All language subtitles for Inside Amy Schumer s03e05 Babies & Bustiers.eng

Damn!

- Check out that dumper!
- Hey, girl!

Fart that ass in my face!

(record scratching)

What's wrong with my ass?

Pretty face?
So what?

Big boobs?
Big deal!

Hi, I'm Martin Daniels.

Recent clinical studies
have shown that these days,

the ass is where it's at.

Black and Latino men have
enjoyed a shapely bottom

for years, but now,
even normal guys are into it.

Introducing Swanks
Push 'Em Downs,

named very much
without her permission

after Hilary Swank
in "Boys Don't Cry".

Get your badonkadonk out
of its badonka-funk!

Using some classified
NASA technology,

but mostly bungee cords,

Swanks push your glutes up
and your breasts down

and around into your ass,

causing minor internal bleeding
and major external hotness,

a condition known in the
medical community as worth it.

Hi, I'm Amy Schumer,

and for years,
I've enjoyed excellent breasts,

and the male respect
that they brought me.

But times and what white guys
like have changed

and it's my responsibility
as a role model

to change with them.

Wearing Swanks means that
I can be taken seriously

and keep my TV show.

I'm really enjoying
my new "bladow"!

And my washboard chest.

Hey, I'd like
to smush that tush.

Whoa!
Check out that butt.

Damn, I want some of that ass.

Guys, it's me, Mom.

Thanks, Swanks.

Swanks!

Sync & corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com

You know what, I didn't see, um,
the Miss America pageant this year.

One of them-- They asked her
a really hard question,

she had a really good answer,

but they asked her, like,
how would you solve ISIS?

Like, what--
Did you see it?

Like, why are you
asking her that?

She had a good answer,
but why ask her that?

Like, in the middle
of her answer,

they're just gonna, like,
chopper her to the Pentagon

and be like, "We like what
we heard back there.

We want to hear more."

Like, get outta here.

Look at you, poof.
This is precious.

Little ladies, come this way.

All right, big smiles.

Big, big, big smiles.

So much a smile, it hurts.

(girl)
I always wanted to do this,

all six years since
I've been on this planet.

Seven, eight, now pose.

My name's
Amy Merryweather Sherman

and I was put on
this green earth to win pageants

and spread the word
on the Almighty.

All right, guys, one more time.

Hit, hit, step, hip, hip.

And when you do those hips,
I want you to dip.

Really low.

And then pump, pump.

I thought you guys
have done this before.

Let's see it.

Come on, let me see
your best bet.

Pump, pump!

This is not a tap dance.

If you don't pay attention,
I don't know how

I'm gonna help you.

I have more potential
in this dance.

Try it one more time.

Can I suggest a pivot here?

Hit it, hit it, hit it,
hit it, pivot, pivot, pivot.

(chuckling)

She's so much better
than the others.

My daughter, I'm sure you've
noticed, is much more beautiful

and has more heft
than the other girls,

but, uh, she's struggling with
Benjamin Button's disease.

That's not what it's called.

I enjoyed the movie
"Benjamin Button",

but it's actually
the opposite of that.

She has fetal Red Bull syndrome.

These shoes are too small now.

This morning, they were huge.

(Dr. Freilich)
She's six years old.

But she's aging at five times
the normal rate.

You gotta understand that you have
to act like a pretty princess.

- I am!
- This is not--

- No.
- I am!

- No, ma'am. No, ma'am.
- I am!

- No, ma'am.
- I am!

(Dr. Freilich) We really
don't know how long she has.

- I am!
- No, ma'am.

But we really don't care.

How do we hold our body
for the audience?

- Tall and thin.
- Right.

- And how do we position ourselves?
- To win.

(crunching)
Do I hear crunching?

No.

- I told you not to eat.
- I don't-- I'm not--

I'm not looking to eat, Mama.

You're not allowed to eat!
You'll bloat.

- No, I won't.
- Stop it!

Put it down!

I just want the prize!

You want a prize?!

Then win one today!

I love Mommy,
'cause she's my best friend.

She's my support systems.

She always yells at me
for eating her food.

Sorry I'm a human being, Mama.

She eats food!

I need a new seat, Mama.

You need new teeth
and a new personality.

Every stage mother I met
is absolutely crazy.

And it's weird to be the only
grounded one in the bunch.

Do you need to defecate, honey?

Well, it...

Mom, can I just get--
Next to the car real quick?

(Amy)
Don't move, Mama.

You know, if God didn't
want this for my daughter,

then why the hell did he make
her so friggin' attractive?

There's major differences between
me and these other girls.

I'm smarter, prettier,
and a winner,

even though that
little Asian girl,

she said I was cheating
for even being here.

My mama told me that
Asian people are bad luck.

And to pay no mind,

but when they're in front
of you, you hold your breath.

You guys want some
of this here burrito?

No.

- Burrito?
- No.

(raspy)
Excuse me, don't breathe.

Save yourself, twins.

Okay, y'all.

Let us give a warm round of
applause for the Texas Sparklettes.

(crowd applauds)

Give 'em what they want!

(crowd gasps)

(all murmuring)

Ooh.

(crowd gasps)

(all murmuring)

Now, that was a setback.

(sighs)

I'm real upset
my titty ball popped out.

But I'm not gonna let that
or anything stop me

from sharing my talent
with these future believers.

(sighs)

Oh, these are chewable Vics.

Now I gotta go down
a bunch of wine.

You wanna go take some of these
and drink some wine with me?

Oh, come on.
I gotta show you something.

And you won't regret it.

(crowd applauds)

Thank you, Miss Jada.

Next up, we have
Miss Amy Merryweather Sherman.

Her talent is preaching.

(Cleopatricia)
Woohoo-hoo!

Blow our doors off, baby!

Hello, brothers, sisters,
and the Asian.

I was gonna read
from Deuteronomy today,

but instead, I think I'll speak
from my rapidly aging heart

and from my Benjamin Button
disease,

which I have,
but it does not have me.

And I apologize for
my titty ball popping out,

but I do not have a male
authority figure in my life.

Though I have never met
my biological father, y'all.

I have Skyped with him,

but I have met the heavenly
Father in person!

And he's here today!

He's in all of you
and he's in me!

(crowd gasps)

(woman)
Oh, my God.

(man)
Cover your eyes.

Wuh-oh.

(man)
Ugh, it's like "The Shining".

(woman)
Don't they have to be seven?

(all murmuring)

Well, it was better than the
kid with the melted hula hoop.

(Amy)
Ew!

Amy was disqualified because she
had her cycle during her preach,

but we're not gonna
let it slow us down.

Amy?

(Amy)
Daddy?

Is that you?

Oh, Daddy, you're here.

Hi, Daddy.

I knew you'd come eventually.

- Did you win, sweetpea?
- No, Daddy.

I matured all over the stage.

Aw, you'll get 'em next time,
little princess.

Thank you, Daddy.

Hello, Harrison.

Hello, Cleopatricia.

I'm just Cleo now.

I'll leave you two be.

(door closes)

I've missed you, Harrison.
I...

(gasps)

(sobs)

How old is too young
to be in a pageant?

Like, what's the age you think?

I think those kids
should be in school.

Have you ever seen a 5-year-old
and you were like, "Damn"?

I'm gonna be like,

"I hope she can read
and write and count to ten."

- That's better.
- Yeah.

Just once in a while,

a six-year-old where
you're like, oh, shit!

Mmm!
Like that, or no?

- No.
- No.

(dogs barking)

Bye, Addison.

Have fun, play nice.

Okay, I left grass fed bison
with the woman at the front.

That's all she can eat.

First day dropping 'em off
at day care?

Yeah.

I got him when he was
ten minutes old.

I'm still breastfeeding him.

Oh, I could never
adopt a puppy.

Absolutely not.

Puppies get adopted so quickly.

My Duke, he was 14
when I rescued him.

His owners had just
dropped him off at the shelter

to die and I was like,
"Nuh-uh, old man."

You're coming with me.

Wow.

Mrs. Belvedere is a rescue
from Hurricane Katrina.

She was up on a roof
with this little boy

whose parents had drowned,
and I just thought,

that little orphan boy
can't take care of a dog.

So I choppered in and rescued
her right off that roof.

- What happened to the boy?
- What boy?

Duke lost his legs when
a cop shot him in St. Louis.

Oh, see, my dog has
severe body image issues.

You should see
how she sees herself.

Well, Addison has
advanced stage FOMO.

Fear Of Missing Out.

I had to completely
take him off social media.

It's too stressful.

Have you thought about
medication?

'Cause my rescue is on
Prozac for anxiety.

Yeah, and Duke is on Xanax
for separation issues.

Addie's on Valtrex,
'cause we share a prescription,

but that is it for medication,
because family history of addiction.

Well, I didn't get
my guy vaccinated,

because Jenny McCarthy said it
can cause "paw-tism".

I followed her advice, too.

I got my dog a cat,
because pets make you live longer.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

She knows it all.

There's nothing
she doesn't know.

(woman)
Bye, Quinoa.

Oh. Cute purebred.

I know, what mall
did you get her from?

(chuckling)

The Darfur galleria.
It's in the Sudan.

He was a child-dog solider

and was abandoned by
the Bedouin militia

when they found out he was gay.

So, I guess I did
get him at a mall.

Okay, Daisy, back at day care.

- Is-- is your dog dead?
- Yeah.

They just put her down
at the pound about a month ago,

and I was like, I'll take her.

I was just doing
what any hero would do,

but she's my hero.

- Yeah.
- Right on.

My baby has four legs, right?

- I'm always like, "Who rescued who?"
- Exactly.

My dog's like a person.

(dog growling)

What's the most obnoxious
dog name you ever heard?

Probably like Penelope.

- Like, that's a horrible--
- That's my cat's name!

- No, that's not a dog name.
- Oh, okay, thanks.

Would you die for your dog?

Die? No, she only lives
about eight years,

so I wouldn't die for her.

- Yeah.
- Would you die for your cat?

No, she's basically dead.

- She's on her last paw.
- Oh.

- You have a dog?
- Used to.

- It died?
- Yeah.

It was a she, Peppy.

If Peppy were here, what would
you say to Peppy right now?

Aw, I'd just give her
a hug and a kiss.

Oh, you know what?
We actually are out of time.

(laughing)
Umm...

I've gotten rid of literally
everything except for this.

Like, what is right here?

It's sexy.
It's like another tiny boob.

- Anyway...
- Yeah.

Ab, how are you?
It's been forever.

How's the "Famdango"?
The twins are "perf"

and I have the most wonderful,
sexy husband, hashtag love him.

He's hot.

But I would never say this
to anyone but you guys.

Sometimes, they're just
so exhausting

that I fantasize about
running away and just, like,

opening a little bakery
in Maine.

- Is that terrible?
- No, don't feel like that.

Look, can I stand in my truth?

Safe space.

Well, you know,
I have the most amazing life.

- My Pinterest page is almost done.
- Almost.

Right, you're gonna
help me with that.

I will, as soon as you...

- Get some interests.
- Yes.

I'm gonna get some interests,
you watch.

And even though
it's been ten years,

I just fall, like,
a little more in love

with Jeff every day,
just like a little more.

But you know what?

When Jeff is, like,
violently refusing

to go down on me, you know?

(growls)

I kinda fantasize
about just, like,

Snapchatting a picture
of my tits to the UPS guy

and just opening
a bakery in Maine.

You guys, I love my little
Blendel and Dafoe.

Yeah. But sometimes, when
"Dora the Explorer" is on again

and they're laughing
at literally nothing,

I think about tracking down Dora
creator Valerie Walsh Valdes,

Clockwork Orange-ing
her eyes open

and making her
watch video of my kids singing

that lazy atonal theme song
until she cries blood,

and then whipping up some homemade
jam for my little bakery in Maine.

Jam is my jam.

(all laughing)

See that?
Women are funny.

- Women are funny.
- Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

You guys,
I'm so blissfully happy.

I gave up my career to
home college Tim's adult son.

It is so rewarding.

But sometimes,
when I'm sharpening his crayons,

I have this fantasy
about giving a homeless guy

one of those giant
jackpot checks

and then masturbating
furiously in my RAV4

as the bank teller
explains that it's fake,

then zipping up I-95 and opening
up the cutest bakery in Maine.

Oh!
I love that.

I feel like my life is literally
curated by angels.

- I've said that to you, right?
- A lot.

I've heard that.

I love my life.
Love it.

Love it.
Love it.

But sometimes, I feel like
those angels are telling me

to just, like, "Gone Girl" Jeff,
you know?

And then, just, like,
lobby congress

to get the age
of consent lowered to 15

so I can marry my son's
best friend

and just open the most precious
whites only bakery in Portland.

(chuckling)

Oregon?

Mmm! Mmm!

Mmm!

Maine.

Oh! Oh, my God.

- I was really scared for a second.
- Oh, yeah.

- You need to eat something.
- Okay.

So Nikki, how are you?

Well, you know, I realize
I've been lying to myself

about a lot of things lately.
And that I just wasn't happy.

So I got a divorce,
I left my job,

and you guys aren't
gonna believe this,

but I actually opened
a bakery in Maine.

(exploding sounds)

Hmm.

I know!
Scones, mmm.

If you were gonna
leave your job,

start over in a new place,
what would your fantasy job be?

- Uh, voiceover.
- Voiceover?

Yeah, I get compliments
all the time about my voice,

so everybody's like,

"You should be in
kids' things, or..."

Oh, they're just
trying to (bleep) you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

(both laughing)

I would probably be a dancer.

How do you know
if you're a good dancer?

People tell you.

What if they just, like,

always tell you
you're not a good dancer,

but maybe it's so that
they make you stronger.

I don't think-- No.

What if they're just trying
to discourage you

every time you've ever danced

because they want you
to get great at it.

No, I don't think
people do that.

You're just probably bad at it.

- Just bad at dancing.
- Yeah, just bad.

Sharleen, you were on
"The Bachelor".

I was.

- Let's talk about it.
- Ugh, okay.

Why did you go on that show?

- What was I thinking?
- Yeah.

I was sort of in a rocky patch
with my then-boyfriend.

And I knew they were
having a casting event.

And I knew that because
I watched the show.

Yeah.

And suddenly they were
offering it to me.

And I suddenly was like,
"Can I really not do this?"

Did you know who was gonna be
at the end of the rainbow?

- Yeah, I knew it was Juan Pablo.
- Juan Pablo.

(both laughing)

It's okay.

Um, it seemed like
you almost couldn't fathom

why you would want
to have sex with him.

Honestly, it sounds crazy,

but I liked his personality
as I got to know him.

That does sound crazy.

I know it sounds crazy,
but, yeah, he was nice to me.

When did you realize
that he was--

Hmm, how do I say this nice?

Really stupid
and dumb and a dummy?

- I think Juan Pablo is ESL.
- You don't think he's stupid.

You think it's that English
isn't his first language.

Like, he didn't get
sarcasm that well,

but that doesn't necessarily
mean he's not smart,

it just means that,

you know, he gets
other sorts of jokes, I guess.

Okay, he's stupid
and you're lying,

and so I've been there.
(laughing)

Like, the guys that I slept
with in college, like, rocks.

Rocks.

Yeah, like, I have slept
with people who I would think

might not be
as intelligent as I am,

but that sounds so horrible
that I'm sure that they have--

I slept with a guy one time
after he said this.

He said, "Who would you
want to have lunch with,

if you could have lunch
with anyone?"

And I said, "Mark Twain".

And he said,
"No, they have to be real."

(laughing)

And then I had sex with him.
(laughing)

Then I had sex with him, okay?

- So...
- I'm sure that he was really hot.

- Yeah, gorgeous.
- Yeah.

I do think that--

English was his first language,
his very first language.

What did Juan Pablo smell like?

- Man.
- Like a man.

When you're living in
a house full of women,

that-- that's notable.

Yeah, but you're just
so happy to, like, not be--

To be, like,
in the presence of a dude.

I mean, we're talking
a long time with just women.

Do people sneak into his room
and, like, blow him?

I think it can be done.

I'm so easy.

I'd sneak into his room
and sit on his face.

I'd be like...

(knocking)
Shh!

To be honest, I'm surprised
not more people do that.

I feel like that could definitely
give you an advantage.

They say a way to a man's heart
is through his penis.

- Is that what they say?
- Maybe it's stomach.

- Is that how the saying goes?
- I know it's in this region.

Um, this is a hypothetical.

- You're in Tampa.
- Uh-huh.

And your flight out of there
gets canceled,

you're there for the night.

You're in a Legal Seafoods
having a beer.

Who walks in?

J.P., Juan Pablo.

Do you guys have sex
that night?

How desperate am I?

Haven't had sex in a year.

If it felt right.

- Yeah!
- That's a good answer, isn't it?

Me too.

Do you have
any questions for me?

Which bachelor would you
go on "The Bachelor" for?

I can't think of one, I swear.

- They're all, like, nice.
- Shame on you.

And they, like,
are religious and--

That's true.
I've got to say, that's a big--

They have, like, families
they want you to interact with.

That is just-- My vagina goes...
(hisses)

She gets in all kinds
of mischief.

I mean, one time I came home

and, uh, she was in
the python terrarium

and who knows what could happen
with that kind of thing.

Shit, I'm sorry, I can't.

(Amy)
So easy.

(man)
Mmm, magic.

Sync & corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0