All language subtitles for Inside Amy Schumer s02e09 vv Glass.eng

- Going down?
- Yeah.

You live in the building?

(elevator ding)
- Yeah.

They keep making
'em bigger every year.

Buildings.

(elevator ding)

You grew up around here?

I was born here.

Oh, you were born here,
in the elevator?

Kidding, it's my New York
sarcastic sense of humor.

(dinging)

Looks like we
caught the local.

And what about you--
You doing all right?

Everything all right?

- Uh-huh.
- Life.

- Yeah, I'm fine, thank you.
- I'm fine, too.

I just need my first cup of coffee,
then I'm a little better.

Not good for you,
it's not that bad for you.

Like red wine.

They say you have
a glass of red wine

and it's good for your heart.

This week went by
fast, didn't it?

I mean, it's already Thursday.

I was telling somebody
yesterday, I go,

"What is it, Tuesday--"
They go, "No, Wednesday."

I go, "Shut up."

They go, "Look."

I looked, you know, and it was
Wednesday, they were right,

but, yeah, you know,
you gotta enjoy--

We got a couple of days left so we
can enjoy those, that's for sure.

- So how you doing, all right?
- Mm-hmm, fine.

Me too, but rents keep going
up, paycheck stays the same.

Give me a break, right?

Ah, you got your health,
that's what matters.

(repeated dinging)

What--

Is this the elevator
going to hell?

No.

Sorry.

This is hell.

(Satanic music)

Hot enough for you?

It's a dry heat,
I'll say that.

I don't mind the heat.

You know what gets me--
The humidity.

Seen the news
lately-- A lot going on.

Of course, we don't--
- (screaming)

Sync && corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com

Blacking out's so insane.

You drink until
your mind's like, "Uh...

no, you guys stay up, I'm
gonna call it a night."

And then your body's like,
"Mind went to sleep!"

It's not okay.

But now I only black out
from Ambien because...

they say "use as needed"
and I'm like, it's dark out.

I'm so hungry, I could eat
a fucking Nissan Versa!

Me too!

No, do not text Michael, Amy!
No!

I love him and it's
none of your business.

What are these
fucking baskets doing?

Who is that guy?

Two roommates, both drunk
and only one chance to win.

The challenge, create an
unforgettable meal using

a basket of mystery
ingredients collected

from your kitchen
before time runs out.

And the losing chef
will be "Sauced".

(screaming)

Chef Amy, Chef Kelsie,
today you have...

A half-eaten Chobani
yogurt from 2012.

Four baby carrots.

A shriveled lime
and a bottle of Lexapro.

Your time starts now.

- Go, go, go, go, go, go!
- Go, go, go, go!

- No, no, no!
- Go, go, go, go, go!

- Okay, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry...
- Okay!

Okay, here we go, okay--
this is it!

- Shots, shots, shots, shots!
- Shots, shots, shots, shots!

Mmmm!

- Okay, okay, okay.
- Okay, okay, give me one more!

- One more, one more, one more.
- Okay, one more.

One more and then
we do this game.

Give me it.

(Amy)
My name is Amy.

This is bonkers, like, you guys
realize that, right-- Okay.

Wait, am I on that screen?

Can you move it so I can see?

Before I dropped
out of UNLV...

Wait.

...I worked at a burrito place
called The Dugout,

so as soon as I saw
the lime, I'm thinking, like...

burrito?

This is fucking broken.

(Kelsie)
I work in a bead kiosk.

It's a good gig.

But maybe my thing is cooking!

Oh, my--

I'm going so fast right now.

And look!

Oh, this is a tricky basket.

Especially when you're as
blasted as these two chefs are.

More ingredients!

(Mateo) I like Amy's
confidence, though.

She has all four burners
on high and nothing cooking.

This would never fly at F?D.

Two minutes, chefs.

Amy...

Look at me, Amy, Amy.

You were the prettiest girl
at Fiddlesticks tonight.

The bartender was so into you.

18, 17, 16, 15...

...14, 13, 12, 11...

...ten, nine, eight, seven...

...six, five, four...

...three, two, one...

Time's up, please step away.

Judges...

Chefs.

Judges...

Today, I have prepared for
you a bruleed Lexapro,

parsnip coulis, spring carrots,
and roasted fennel.

Oh, shit.

I like the acidity of the lime with
the starchiness of the Lexapro.

Chef Amy.

What?

Oh-- Chefs.

Today I prepared for
you mayonnaise

from a Myrtle Beach mug

that Michael gave me.

I think we've made
our decision.

I believe so, yeah.

Whose dish will be Sauced?

Chef Kelsie.

Congratulations, you are
the "Sauced" champion.

I'm a for-real chef!

That's fair.

That's fair, you deserve it.

Can you guys get out
of our apartment?

Yeah.

What kind of a drunk are you?

I was just
saying how glad I was

that I wasn't drunk doing
this interview,

but now I'm like,
I wish I was drunk.

People usually need
a couple drinks

just to get through
a conversation with me.

- What kind of drunk am I?
- Yeah, what kind of--

- What kind of drunk are you?
- A forgetful one.

- Yeah, are you really?
- Yeah.

Do you, like, lose shit?

Uh, no, I don't lose shit.

I find shit.

Oh, you do?

Sometimes I wake up and I found
something I wish I hadn't.

- Yeah.
- Do you know what I mean?

I can imagine.

Herpes.

You're rich, right--
You're wearing a suit.

What do you--
What do you do?

Oh, sorry.

He said, "I work at
a non-profit,"

and everyone's like,
"Oh, oh no, oh..."

We don't know
what non-profit.

Maybe it's like some
asshole, like, not that--

Like, what-- What non-profit?

(laughing and applauding)

It's over, the show's over.

We just got canceled,
thank you.

I love how you said it, though,
like, you didn't want to answer.

Just, like, a little,
like, angel

just appeared on
my shoulder, like,

"Make this funny, bitch--"
I can't.

As you know, in the early hours
of this morning,

a bachelorette party bus
flipped over the Pines Bridge

and landed
on top of a booze cruise

carrying a separate
bachelorette party.

Now, our first responders were
on the scene almost immediately

and, as it turns out,
the small penises we found

dotting the shoreline were not
the remains of young boys

but were,
in fact, straw toppers,

or "dicky sippies," as
they're called.

These here.

These are used for
drinking alcohol out of.

I'd like to turn this over
to the head of the ICU

at Mercy Medical,
Dr. Todd Mandible.

Good morning.

As it stands, we are treating
11 women for hypothermia

after spending several hours
in the water clinging

to inflatable sex dolls.

Four women, uh, remain in
critical condition

in what I can only describe as
a rat king situation

in which
they are bound together

in a wet tangle of hair
extensions and feather boas.

Thank you, Dr. Mandible.

We've questioned
several witnesses.

One man recanted the following
conversation he overheard.

"Help, my best friend
is drowning."

"She's not your best friend."

"Really-- Then why
am I the maid of honor?"

In every case, onlookers
who called 9-1-1

urged us to take our time.

Sadly, there were fatalities

and for that I'm gonna turn it
over to our chief coroner.

Thank you, sheriff.

Yes, there were
multiple fatalities,

including three
alcohol poisonings

that were not
related to the crash.

(reporters murmuring)

- (man) Can you give us some more details?
- (man) I have one question.

Well, at least
one woman drowned

after being knocked unconscious
by a bitch goblet.

(man) What's a bitch goblet?

To my knowledge, a bitch goblet
is a large drinking goblet

with the word "bitch" stenciled in
puff paint across the back of it.

One woman who made a brave
effort to make it ashore,

but her hair was so messed up

and her makeup was so
grotesquely running

that some local farmers thought
she was one of the ghost girls

from "The Ring" and smashed
her head with a shovel.

But probably the most tragic
loss was a woman named Beth

who was surprised that she was
even invited to the party,

she was just
a friend of a friend.

Thought about not going,
decided, fuck it, why not go?

And she's dead.

I'd like to turn it over
now to the fire chief.

Oh.

I'm sorry, that's
a surviving stripper.

Nice, okay.

Thanks, Barnabas.

Yes.

(man) What happened
to the drivers?

Both the driver of
the party bus

and the captain of
the booze cruise are deceased.

They committed suicide prior to the
accident, for obvious reasons.

The survivors are currently
with grief counselors

and we have made sure
that those grief counselors

have their own
grief counselors.

Now, our... our thoughts and
prayers are with the families

of the surviving girls, as these
girls are the worst.

Please respect their privacy at
this humiliating time, thank you.

(reporters murmuring)

- When are you getting married?
- November 10th.

Who's looking to get
real nuts tonight?

- Oh, my--
- Not me.

Is anybody gonna get laid?

Maybe Mike, maybe Mike.

Are you gonna sleep next
to your husband tonight?

- I might sleep on top of him tonight.
- Wow.

Do you support this kind
of sluttery...

- Yes.
- ...from a bride-to-be?

Are you guys gonna go
dancing tonight or what?

We're gonna go
dancing right now.

Let's see your best
dance moves, you guys.

Yes-- This is
what happens.

Girls immediately grind
on each other.

I hope your night
ends in a really safe way.

I don't.

- Everybody hug me.
- Thank you.

Everybody in.

The best bachelorette
party ever!

(all) Woo!

Dan, you are the closest thing
to a brother that I know.

Congrats, guys.

(Amy) Uh, well, wait.

Thank you.

Um, okay, you can sit.

So, as you all know, I'm Amy.

And as I'm sure you also know,

I'd like to do something
a little more special

than what we've been
seeing so far tonight.

When I first met Becca,
I was all, "What the hecka?"

We'd go to a club together
in all kinds of weather.

She slept with so many guys,
I couldn't believe my eyes.

'Cause it was so many.

She once went black.

And we thought she'd
never come back.

But then she met Dan.

He was a white man.

The only problem was
that Dan and I once dated,

a fact Becca always hated!

But then they went to therapy.

And now they are so happ-y.

So let's raise a glass to the--

This wedding is slammin'!

Okay, you guys, let's dance.

She never sticks the landing.

Is this Veuve--
What is it?

Dom-- Slammin'.

And may God
bless Rebecca's family,

who are still trying to find
the monster

who killed their beautiful
daughter.

Everyone wanted me to say
a couple words, just--

Uh, I guess, uh, one of
Rebecca's friends

would like to say a few words.

Hey, guys, I'm Amy.

So I wrote something that I think
expresses how we all feel.

Here goes.

Does this come out?

- Yes.
- You don't care?

Quite all right.

Rebecca has gone
to a better place,

and I already miss her face.

I'm sure whoever killed
her has gone far away.

It would be best to stop
looking and start a new day.

The saddest part is
that Dan is now alone,

but he should know that he can
always call me on the phone.

So let's raise a glass
to a beautiful lass.

Dan can also message
me on Facebook

and I put my number
up on my Instagram.

Is this Veuve?

Dom?

Oh-- Is that okay?

("Law & Order" sting)

You're not answering
my questions!

Where were you on the
night Rebecca was killed?

So let's raise a glass...

(gavel banging)

If you do that one more time,
I'm gonna lose my shit.

I didn't mean it.

I sincerely apologize.

And I swear I'm not
guilty, you guys.

I'm freaking out.

(gavel banging)

Any last words?

Rebecca's husband was
never in love with her.

I hope I get a call
from the governor.

So let's raise a glaaaaa...

(electric buzzing)
...sssssssss...

I'm sorry, I just
couldn't take it anymore.

What women in here
have been arrested?

- (woman) Woo!
- I have.

"Woo!"

Did they take your bra?

(woman) Uh, yeah.

Yeah, they took my bra.

They take your bra
if you're a girl.

I know, you're scared, right?

Why do you think
they take your bra?

- (man) Weapon.
- (man) To hang yourself.

Oh my God, that's so funny.

What a mixed bag.

Because, like, you,
like, a sweetheart, sir, said,

because you would
hang yourself.

That's sweet.

That's the sweetheart answer.

You said you would use
the wire to shiv someone.

(clapping and applauding)

Thank you.

Well, that's the right answer,
it's 'cause they're scared

you're gonna hang yourself,

but the reason you want to is
because your tits are sagging

all over a jail cell.

Bobby, you are a comedian.

- You're my friend.
- Yes.

And you were also in juvie for a
good amount of time, and rehab.

Yeah.

How did you wind up there?

Unarmed robbery, malicious
threats and trespassing,

breaking probation.

It sounds like you're trying
to remember the specials

at a restaurant, but
that's your rap sheet.

I robbed a pizza store.

- But I didn't--
- How?

I was trying to hook up
with this Italian girl

that was in my history class.

There's a better way.

Maybe just like give her
a valentine in February.

You said armed robbery.

- What did you have?
- Unarmed.

- I didn't use any guns.
- I think you can just say robbery.

Yeah, I just took the money
out of the register.

What did you
threaten them with?

We're gonna dump all
this sauce out--

Did you just steal pizza?

When we ran out, I tripped
on the curb and I broke--

See that pinky?

See how fat the
one over here is?

Yeah, it's not okay.

I break--

Two weeks later,
the cops picked me up

- and took me to jail.
- For that.

The mafia owned
the pizza place.

- Wow.
- So the cops said,

"I'm taking you to jail
tonight to save your life,

'cause they're looking to
break your legs."

- This is like boring "Goodfellas".
- Yeah.

(laughing)

Yeah, it was awful.
And then I wound up in jail.

For not successfully
stealing money and getting--

and beating the
shit out of yourself.

Yeah, I hurt my-- I beat
the shit out of my--

- I caught myself, yeah.
- No one hurt you.

- You hurt yourself.
- Yeah, basically.

And you go in and they make
you do jumping jacks naked,

which was weird.

No, that's fine.

I didn't even put a finger in my
ass by that point in my life.

My asshole
didn't even know--

Your asshole
was just like an un--

It was like a snowflake.

You ever see those townhouse
complexes when they open up

and the pool and the bushes

and then you go back
around 30 years

and it just looks like
a broken down project--

The pool is now,
like a garden.

I don't think that
you excel at metaphors.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I think you're a great comic,
but, like, maybe just, like,

- keep away from the metaphors.
- You sure?

Your asshole is
like a new townhouse?

Was-- Was.

Now it's dead.

Why would he make you
do jumping jacks naked?

I didn't under-- I'm 13,
like, what's gonna "fwip" out?

Do you know how many words
that you have made up

that you try to
incorporate into--

"Fwipped" is a word.

No, it's not.

- "Fwipped".
- "Fwipped"?

- "Fwipped".
- What does it mean?

It's "fwipped" it.

It's the same thing as flipped,
but it's more interesting-er.

You said on stage,
like, garbage?

- You were calling it the barrel?
- Yeah, it's a barrel.

I don't think anybody
calls it that.

A barrel-- Everybody knows
what a barrel is.

You think Crate & Barrel,
people immediately--

It's Crate & Trash?

(laughing)

Did you hurt people in juvie?

I've gotten in
a lot of fights,

but I've been beat up way
more than I beat people.

That was bad,
I was scared in there.

Yeah.

I mean, there was this black
guy with, like, a baby arm.

So a black guy, T-rex.

T-rex, I've never heard
it called "T-rex."

You've never heard it?

If you have two baby arms?

I mean, what?

Have you ever been to
the Museum of Natural History?

What do you do--
I hope--

Do you do something bad--
What's your job?

(man) Public defendant.

What-- Public defendant--
fuck!

Are there any
assholes in here?

I mean, this girl's like,
I invented the soup kitchen.

Okay.

I'm also doing God's work.

I'm gonna talk about my pussy
for 30 to 40 minutes, so...

(applauding)

You're welcome.

I'm the guy in the office that's
gonna, you know, go by his desk,

just start twerking, you know,

when the boss isn't
around and... (bleep)

Coffee and chocolate are
my number one and two.

(bleep) Those are
my two vices.

Those two and
"How I Met Your Mother."

- Just give me a couple--
- Stop.

(crew laughing)

So, you have an
iPad or anything?

No?

Boy, Steve Jobs would be broke

if more people were
like you, that's for sure.

I mean, he's dead now obviously,
but I mean, you know.

(bleep) reminds
me of Halloween.

I dressed like
the bee from Blind Melon.

You know, I couldn't even barely
fit in the Windstar.

So, um...

- (man) Cut!
- (laughing)

(woman) So easy.

(man) Mmm, magic.

Sync && corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com

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