Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,936 --> 00:00:05,632
Ange?
No, he has no clue.
2
00:00:05,739 --> 00:00:07,036
I can't wait to see his face.
3
00:00:07,140 --> 00:00:08,539
WOMAN: I know.
Okay, we're in the other room.
4
00:00:08,641 --> 00:00:10,074
I'm gonna bring everybody in
in just a minute.
5
00:00:10,176 --> 00:00:12,235
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, I have to go. Thank you.
6
00:00:12,345 --> 00:00:13,471
- Okay, bye.
- Okay, bye.
7
00:00:13,580 --> 00:00:14,569
[Footsteps]
8
00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:16,649
MAN:
Happy birthday, bro.
9
00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:17,842
Huh? Check it out.
10
00:00:17,951 --> 00:00:19,680
MAN #2: Yeah, wow.
Thanks, man.
11
00:00:19,786 --> 00:00:22,118
MAN #1: Hey, it's too bad
Amy couldn't be here, right?
12
00:00:22,222 --> 00:00:23,849
Hey, are you gonna make it
official with her soon?
13
00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:25,424
MAN #2: What?
14
00:00:25,525 --> 00:00:28,153
MAN #1: Come on, old man.
Seven years is a long time.
15
00:00:28,261 --> 00:00:29,455
MAN #2: No.
[Chuckles]
16
00:00:29,562 --> 00:00:30,460
I mean, at this point,
17
00:00:30,563 --> 00:00:32,463
I feel like Amy's more
just like a friend.
18
00:00:32,565 --> 00:00:34,726
- You know, like a bro.
- Yeah.
19
00:00:34,834 --> 00:00:37,234
MAN #2: I don't know.
Something just changed.
20
00:00:37,337 --> 00:00:39,828
Like, I'm just done. You ever
feel like you're just done?
21
00:00:39,939 --> 00:00:41,531
MAN #1: Yeah, is it because
of all the weight she gained?
22
00:00:41,641 --> 00:00:42,608
MAN #2: No.
23
00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:45,143
I mean, she's definitely
put on some pounds,
24
00:00:45,245 --> 00:00:46,212
but that's not even it.
25
00:00:46,312 --> 00:00:48,280
MAN #1: Yeah.
Is it the long distance?
26
00:00:48,381 --> 00:00:49,439
MAN #2:
[Exhales sharply] No.
27
00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:50,709
Long distance
is the only reason
28
00:00:50,817 --> 00:00:51,749
we're still together now.
29
00:00:51,851 --> 00:00:52,749
MAN #1: [Laughing] Yeah.
30
00:00:52,852 --> 00:00:55,480
MAN #2: Oh, man. It just...
Something turned, you know?
31
00:00:55,588 --> 00:00:57,283
It's just everything about her
makes me sick.
32
00:00:57,390 --> 00:00:59,915
Just like, "Shut up."
I can't take it.
33
00:01:00,026 --> 00:01:01,550
- ANGIE: Come in, everybody.
- MAN #2: Hey, Angie.
34
00:01:01,661 --> 00:01:03,492
- MAN #3: What's this?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
35
00:01:03,596 --> 00:01:05,393
- ANGIE: Get ready, okay? Ready?
- MAN #2: What is it?
36
00:01:05,498 --> 00:01:08,490
ANGIE:
One, two, three!
37
00:01:08,601 --> 00:01:10,330
ALL:
Happy Birth...
38
00:01:10,437 --> 00:01:11,335
Amy?
39
00:01:11,438 --> 00:01:14,134
What are you doing here?
When did you get back from Iraq?
40
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:16,868
This isn't working for me.
41
00:01:16,976 --> 00:01:20,104
I-I think we should
see other people.
42
00:01:20,213 --> 00:01:22,181
I met somebody else.
43
00:01:22,282 --> 00:01:24,341
And so I made the decision,
44
00:01:24,451 --> 00:01:26,180
I don't want to
see you anymore.
45
00:01:26,286 --> 00:01:28,846
And this was over.
46
00:01:28,955 --> 00:01:30,513
I paid for this.
I'm bringing it.
47
00:01:30,623 --> 00:01:31,555
WOMAN: No.
48
00:01:31,658 --> 00:01:34,525
Step away from it!
49
00:01:34,627 --> 00:01:37,391
I'm having somebody
come back and get this.
50
00:01:40,166 --> 00:01:42,157
Thank you for your service.
51
00:01:42,500 --> 00:01:51,400
Ripped By mstoll
52
00:01:51,911 --> 00:01:54,436
Nothing has changed.
I still dress like shit.
53
00:01:54,547 --> 00:01:56,913
They just, like, squeezed me
in this right before I came on.
54
00:01:57,016 --> 00:01:58,916
I usually wear American Apparel.
55
00:01:59,018 --> 00:02:00,713
I like to be draped
in sweatpants.
56
00:02:00,820 --> 00:02:02,378
Don't you guys feel that way?
57
00:02:02,489 --> 00:02:04,855
I love American Apparel.
I really do.
58
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,051
I like the models
and the marketing.
59
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:10,152
I like that every shot of them,
it looks like a shot
60
00:02:10,263 --> 00:02:12,754
of the last time
they were ever seen, just...
61
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,197
[Laughter]
62
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:16,165
"Help."
63
00:02:16,269 --> 00:02:17,827
It looks like they're waiting
for Liam Neeson
64
00:02:17,937 --> 00:02:20,371
in the bottom of a closet,
like...
65
00:02:20,473 --> 00:02:24,933
It's like hostage lighting.
What is the idea?
66
00:02:25,044 --> 00:02:26,534
Like, "Oh, if I buy
these leggings,
67
00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:28,705
will they also
find my body in a swamp?"
68
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:30,305
Like, why?
69
00:02:33,219 --> 00:02:34,151
So let me get this straight.
70
00:02:34,254 --> 00:02:37,052
It's a road made of ice,
and they truck on it.
71
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,421
Bull's-eye. That's the show,
plain and simple.
72
00:02:39,526 --> 00:02:41,926
You twinks ready to do
some shots, pussies?
73
00:02:42,028 --> 00:02:45,361
[Chuckles] That's so hot.
I love girls like that.
74
00:02:45,465 --> 00:02:47,865
Tequila,
no training wheels.
75
00:02:47,967 --> 00:02:50,561
Burger, rare as fuck.
76
00:02:50,670 --> 00:02:53,935
Oh, yeah, a chick who can
really hang with the guys.
77
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:56,531
Yeah, man.
That is the best.
78
00:02:56,643 --> 00:02:57,837
A chick who's like super hot,
79
00:02:57,944 --> 00:03:00,412
but then, like, loves Xbox,
down for pizza.
80
00:03:00,513 --> 00:03:01,741
That tomboy thing, you know?
81
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:03,440
Like, man,
I knew this girl, Joey.
82
00:03:03,550 --> 00:03:04,983
That's a hot name
right there.
83
00:03:05,084 --> 00:03:05,982
That is a hot name.
84
00:03:06,085 --> 00:03:07,382
Yeah, yeah, she was
off-the-charts hot.
85
00:03:07,487 --> 00:03:09,887
She could, like, beat me
in arm wrestling, you know?
86
00:03:09,989 --> 00:03:10,921
That's like
my college girlfriend.
87
00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:12,048
She was crazy hot.
88
00:03:12,158 --> 00:03:14,786
She could recite all of
"Boondock Saints" verbatim
89
00:03:14,894 --> 00:03:16,225
while building a deck.
90
00:03:16,329 --> 00:03:17,455
She was ripped.
91
00:03:17,564 --> 00:03:20,226
Murder him! God!
92
00:03:20,333 --> 00:03:22,267
You know, I dated
a chick like that.
93
00:03:22,368 --> 00:03:23,630
She was like model hot,
94
00:03:23,736 --> 00:03:25,829
plus she knew everything
about World War II,
95
00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:27,566
and she had
a super strong jaw.
96
00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:29,733
- Just, like, a lantern jaw.
- Mmm.
97
00:03:29,842 --> 00:03:31,366
Love that tomboy thing.
98
00:03:31,477 --> 00:03:33,468
Yeah, you know what?
She reminds me of my ex.
99
00:03:33,580 --> 00:03:36,310
You know, real solid.
I could climb her like a tree.
100
00:03:36,416 --> 00:03:38,316
She made me feel so safe.
101
00:03:38,418 --> 00:03:39,646
I miss her.
102
00:03:39,752 --> 00:03:41,982
Oh, man, there's this chick
at my office right now.
103
00:03:42,088 --> 00:03:43,612
I can talk to her
about Muay Thai.
104
00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:46,988
Plus, she's got just like
a little bit of stubble.
105
00:03:47,093 --> 00:03:50,119
- Ahh!
- I need to hit that, man.
106
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,128
Yeah, you do.
107
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:52,630
That's the dream, right?
That's the fantasy.
108
00:03:52,732 --> 00:03:53,824
Like in "Rambo."
109
00:03:53,933 --> 00:03:55,628
The main chick in that,
with the headband.
110
00:03:55,735 --> 00:03:56,633
Hot, right?
111
00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:58,761
Yeah, no, man, but there are
real chicks like that.
112
00:03:58,871 --> 00:04:01,135
Like, I knew this girl Sam
when I lived in Tampa.
113
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:04,642
She was just naturally hot.
Like, rough hands, thick neck.
114
00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:07,144
Forehead like
a granite counter.
115
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,545
She worked hanging drywall
for her dad's company,
116
00:04:09,649 --> 00:04:10,775
Murphy and Son.
117
00:04:10,883 --> 00:04:11,781
- Yeah, she did.
- Wow.
118
00:04:11,884 --> 00:04:13,181
Ooh, check it out.
119
00:04:14,487 --> 00:04:16,580
- Ohh...
- [Whimpering]
120
00:04:16,689 --> 00:04:18,054
Dude, she...
121
00:04:18,157 --> 00:04:20,022
My boner just got a boner.
122
00:04:20,126 --> 00:04:22,754
My buddy at Goldman
has this girlfriend, Glen.
123
00:04:22,862 --> 00:04:24,887
She's like
cover-of-"Maxim" hot.
124
00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:26,659
She does all of his
fantasy football picks.
125
00:04:26,766 --> 00:04:29,326
And she has, like,
this prominent dick.
126
00:04:29,435 --> 00:04:30,732
I'm like, "I want!"
127
00:04:30,837 --> 00:04:32,737
- That's so fucking hot.
- That is so fucking hot.
128
00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:34,204
To chicks who can hang.
129
00:04:34,307 --> 00:04:35,706
- Chicks who can hang.
- Oh, yeah. Yes.
130
00:04:35,808 --> 00:04:39,073
Heading to the can.
Got to make some room.
131
00:04:39,178 --> 00:04:41,806
- Ohh...
- Ahh...
132
00:04:41,914 --> 00:04:44,678
Wait, should we just
fuck each other?
133
00:04:47,153 --> 00:04:48,586
What is your type?
134
00:04:48,688 --> 00:04:50,485
I like, um,
a great sense of humor
135
00:04:50,590 --> 00:04:53,354
and, like, some wit
and some intelligence.
136
00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:55,893
I don't know.
I like girls who read books.
137
00:04:55,995 --> 00:04:56,723
I'm out.
138
00:04:56,829 --> 00:04:57,921
Some intelligence
and things like that.
139
00:04:58,031 --> 00:05:00,124
- Would you have sex with me?
- Um...
140
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:04,099
- Yeah.
- Oh, thank you.
141
00:05:04,203 --> 00:05:05,568
What is your type?
142
00:05:05,672 --> 00:05:08,004
I don't have a type, but I tend
to end up with blondes.
143
00:05:08,107 --> 00:05:09,096
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
144
00:05:09,208 --> 00:05:10,140
Oh, my God,
that's so weird.
145
00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:11,210
I know, it is weird,
isn't it?
146
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:12,437
What's your type?
147
00:05:12,545 --> 00:05:15,912
Tall, skater, douche bag.
148
00:05:16,015 --> 00:05:18,381
Hey, do you have
a skateboard?
149
00:05:18,484 --> 00:05:20,213
- MAN: No.
- [Laughing]
150
00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:21,378
Keep it moving, pal.
151
00:05:21,487 --> 00:05:23,011
What kind of guy do you like?
152
00:05:23,122 --> 00:05:24,089
Gay.
153
00:05:24,190 --> 00:05:25,487
[Laughs]
154
00:05:25,591 --> 00:05:27,218
They all turn out to be gay.
155
00:05:36,703 --> 00:05:37,931
What cheer, m'ladies.
156
00:05:38,037 --> 00:05:40,733
I return with libations
as promised.
157
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:42,137
- Thanks, Liam.
- Hey, text me later.
158
00:05:42,241 --> 00:05:43,435
I've been saving up some things
159
00:05:43,543 --> 00:05:45,602
I've been meaning
to tell you all day.
160
00:05:47,146 --> 00:05:49,205
- Is that your boyfriend?
- Fuck you. No.
161
00:05:49,315 --> 00:05:51,112
Liam's from Hello M'lady. Com.
162
00:05:51,217 --> 00:05:52,241
Is that a dating site?
163
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:53,842
No, it's an app
for your smartphone
164
00:05:53,953 --> 00:05:54,977
that helps you manage
165
00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:57,249
those clingy, fragile guys
who think they're dating you.
166
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:58,881
Wait, are they stalkers?
167
00:05:58,991 --> 00:06:00,618
God, no.
Stalkers have balls.
168
00:06:00,727 --> 00:06:02,888
Hello M'ladys just
make you feel guilty.
169
00:06:02,995 --> 00:06:05,020
They do that thing where
they put you on a pedestal
170
00:06:05,131 --> 00:06:06,189
and they dote on you,
171
00:06:06,299 --> 00:06:08,324
even though you've never
expressed any interest.
172
00:06:08,434 --> 00:06:09,696
But why would I want to
sign up for that?
173
00:06:09,802 --> 00:06:11,292
Just think of it
like Turbo Tax.
174
00:06:11,404 --> 00:06:13,031
No one wants to do taxes,
175
00:06:13,139 --> 00:06:15,801
but it is nice to have help
with that inevitable chore.
176
00:06:15,908 --> 00:06:16,840
Hmm.
177
00:06:16,943 --> 00:06:18,638
Hello M'lady notifies you
of the whereabouts
178
00:06:18,745 --> 00:06:20,610
of m'ladys in your area.
179
00:06:20,713 --> 00:06:22,010
The app alerts you
when you've been selected
180
00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:23,514
by one of these human hobbits.
181
00:06:23,616 --> 00:06:25,550
You'll receive
Cliffs Notes versions
182
00:06:25,651 --> 00:06:26,811
of his thesis-length e-mails
183
00:06:26,919 --> 00:06:30,150
listing the things he sees
in you that no one else sees.
184
00:06:30,256 --> 00:06:33,521
This sad-eyed weasel helped
my boyfriend move into my place.
185
00:06:33,626 --> 00:06:36,652
This doughy munchkin
flat out gave me an iPhone.
186
00:06:36,763 --> 00:06:38,060
He said he had a hook-up,
187
00:06:38,164 --> 00:06:40,189
but I'm pretty sure
he just paid for it.
188
00:06:40,299 --> 00:06:42,164
- [Cellphone chimes]
- It's a text from Liam.
189
00:06:42,268 --> 00:06:44,566
"I wish I kissed you
just now."
190
00:06:46,472 --> 00:06:47,734
[Cellphone chimes]
191
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:50,035
Oh, gross!
I was just chosen.
192
00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:51,303
I don't want to
lead this guy on,
193
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:53,003
but I don't want to
hurt his feelings either.
194
00:06:53,112 --> 00:06:54,477
Oh, you can't win.
195
00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:56,241
But the app does send you
a warning text
196
00:06:56,349 --> 00:06:57,907
when he's about to
angrily turn on you.
197
00:06:58,017 --> 00:07:00,110
- [Cellphone chimes]
- Warning, m'lady!
198
00:07:00,219 --> 00:07:01,777
Can we talk outside, please?
199
00:07:01,888 --> 00:07:03,150
I think you owe me that much.
200
00:07:03,990 --> 00:07:04,888
It's fine.
201
00:07:04,991 --> 00:07:06,515
He's just
gonna call me ungrateful
202
00:07:06,626 --> 00:07:07,854
and then ask
if he can hold my hand.
203
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,086
Ugh.
204
00:07:10,229 --> 00:07:11,856
It seems you've been abandoned,
205
00:07:11,964 --> 00:07:15,331
and I just want to say,
hello, m'lady.
206
00:07:16,469 --> 00:07:17,197
Oh.
207
00:07:17,303 --> 00:07:18,770
Hello, m'lady.
208
00:07:22,408 --> 00:07:24,433
Fuck it.
Hey.
209
00:07:28,581 --> 00:07:30,708
Did you ever have a girl who
thought she was your girlfriend
210
00:07:30,817 --> 00:07:32,444
and she totally wasn't?
211
00:07:32,552 --> 00:07:35,578
Um, no, but I've been that way
on accident.
212
00:07:35,688 --> 00:07:37,155
You thought a girl
was your girlfriend?
213
00:07:37,256 --> 00:07:38,621
- Yeah.
- What happened?
214
00:07:38,724 --> 00:07:40,954
Well, I thought we were dating
for like four months,
215
00:07:41,060 --> 00:07:43,051
and then she cheated on me.
216
00:07:43,162 --> 00:07:44,754
Well, did she?
If you weren't...
217
00:07:44,864 --> 00:07:46,695
No, apparently not.
So it was fine.
218
00:07:46,799 --> 00:07:49,165
- She just kind of met somebody.
- Uh-huh.
219
00:07:49,268 --> 00:07:50,292
You're a sweetheart.
220
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:55,604
[Up-tempo
orchestral music plays]
221
00:08:05,251 --> 00:08:06,775
Aged Angus Banger with cheese
222
00:08:06,886 --> 00:08:08,080
and a crispy
McDalmond chicken wrap.
223
00:08:08,187 --> 00:08:09,381
- Fries in the hole.
- Number five.
224
00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,218
More toys. We need more toys
for the Giggle Meals.
225
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:12,348
What the hell do you mean
226
00:08:12,458 --> 00:08:14,358
they want apple slices
in the Giggle Meals?
227
00:08:14,460 --> 00:08:15,722
Corporate wants to offer
a healthy option.
228
00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:17,921
- A healthy option?
- Yes, a healthy option.
229
00:08:18,030 --> 00:08:20,362
Well, silly me, I thought we
stood for something around here.
230
00:08:20,466 --> 00:08:22,058
No, beef dunk sales, down.
231
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:23,430
Giggle Meal sales, down.
232
00:08:23,536 --> 00:08:24,798
Fries, Coke, Sprite...
233
00:08:24,904 --> 00:08:26,531
Let me guess... down?
234
00:08:26,639 --> 00:08:28,129
Look, I don't like it
any more than you do.
235
00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:29,606
But let's play by
their rules this time
236
00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:30,869
till we get the ball back.
237
00:08:30,977 --> 00:08:33,309
Jasmine dropped a burger patty
under the soft-serve machine.
238
00:08:33,412 --> 00:08:34,504
Well, fish it out
and reheat it.
239
00:08:34,614 --> 00:08:36,343
What is this,
half-past amateur hour?
240
00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:38,417
Wrong side of the bed
this morning, J. J?
241
00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:39,542
I sleep on a futon.
242
00:08:39,652 --> 00:08:41,210
I've been using the same Brita
for three years.
243
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:42,514
My roommate is a bassist.
244
00:08:42,622 --> 00:08:45,557
You tell corporate I'm not
putting apple slices on my menu.
245
00:08:45,658 --> 00:08:48,252
What's next? No more
chicken beaks in the Everything?
246
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:51,262
Now, you want to tell me why
you been acting so strange?
247
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:54,162
This is my first day back,
and I'm nervous around you.
248
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:56,167
You look good, J.J.
249
00:08:58,437 --> 00:08:59,495
Look, I wrote to you.
250
00:08:59,605 --> 00:09:01,732
The letters came back.
Where have you been?
251
00:09:01,841 --> 00:09:04,776
I worked my way up to being
a GM of a Sbarro in Tel Aviv.
252
00:09:04,877 --> 00:09:08,040
Then one day I'm stuffing
couscous into a calzone
253
00:09:08,147 --> 00:09:11,116
and I realized
a woman's life is worth nothing
254
00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:13,845
unless she's making
a great man greater.
255
00:09:13,953 --> 00:09:15,284
Let's get
one thing straight...
256
00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:16,787
No, let's get
two things straight.
257
00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:19,323
You and me make a good team,
and you know it.
258
00:09:19,425 --> 00:09:20,619
And if just for one second
259
00:09:20,726 --> 00:09:22,193
you could drop this whole
damaged-goods routine,
260
00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:23,660
we could make this work.
261
00:09:23,763 --> 00:09:25,390
Now I'm not asking
that you finger-bang me
262
00:09:25,498 --> 00:09:27,466
in the back of my Tercel
like it's 1997.
263
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:30,365
I'm just asking for a chance
to make a difference.
264
00:09:30,469 --> 00:09:31,868
That's three things.
265
00:09:31,971 --> 00:09:33,802
That's what you said
in my Tercel.
266
00:09:33,906 --> 00:09:36,374
Guys?
You better take a look at this.
267
00:09:36,475 --> 00:09:38,204
[Suspenseful music plays]
268
00:09:41,814 --> 00:09:45,181
We got a school bus out there.
269
00:09:45,284 --> 00:09:46,478
It's the short kind.
270
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,781
I need Dora the Explorer
figurines ready yesterday.
271
00:09:48,888 --> 00:09:50,446
Throw two in some of the bags.
They'll think it's Christmas.
272
00:09:50,556 --> 00:09:52,717
McCaskell,
defrost the Aged Angus Bangers.
273
00:09:52,825 --> 00:09:54,486
No, hold on, McCaskell.
You won't need to do that.
274
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,221
They're just gonna want
Giggle Meals and apple slices.
275
00:09:56,329 --> 00:09:57,455
Don't tell me what they want.
276
00:09:57,563 --> 00:09:59,724
There's a Dominican flag
on that dashboard.
277
00:09:59,832 --> 00:10:00,730
This is Angus Bangers
278
00:10:00,833 --> 00:10:02,323
and family-size curlies
all the way home.
279
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,494
I know this order. We do this
my way, you understand?
280
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:05,935
- We lost picture.
- Well, pull it up.
281
00:10:06,038 --> 00:10:07,369
Fix the goddamn feed.
282
00:10:07,473 --> 00:10:08,405
Here comes the order.
283
00:10:08,507 --> 00:10:10,202
We're gonna have to fly blind
on this one.
284
00:10:10,309 --> 00:10:11,401
Ugh!
285
00:10:14,213 --> 00:10:15,441
Jesus, J.J.
286
00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:22,519
MAN: Uh, give me,uh, 18 Giggle Meals
287
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,283
or whatever's cheapest.
288
00:10:24,390 --> 00:10:25,482
I got $30.
289
00:10:25,591 --> 00:10:28,059
Do you want fries
or apple slices?
290
00:10:28,160 --> 00:10:29,627
Whatever's fastest.
291
00:10:29,729 --> 00:10:31,390
I'm sorry.
292
00:10:31,497 --> 00:10:33,294
[Beeps]
293
00:10:33,399 --> 00:10:36,766
Yes, J.J., apple slices.
294
00:10:36,869 --> 00:10:40,965
That's the post-9/11 world
we live in now.
295
00:10:41,073 --> 00:10:44,873
Unless you change the dialogue.
296
00:10:44,977 --> 00:10:47,605
If anyone can do it, you can.
297
00:10:47,713 --> 00:10:50,079
Or doesn't that J.J.
Work here anymore?
298
00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:06,260
Good afternoon, sir,
I'm the manager here.
299
00:11:06,365 --> 00:11:09,425
One of the managers.
300
00:11:09,535 --> 00:11:10,763
I'm afraid
we're not gonna be able
301
00:11:10,870 --> 00:11:12,303
to give you apple slices today.
302
00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:13,599
Yeah, whatever.
No one cares.
303
00:11:13,706 --> 00:11:15,799
You know, there was a time
in this country when apples
304
00:11:15,908 --> 00:11:18,741
were for feeding horses.
305
00:11:18,844 --> 00:11:20,903
When McDalmond's was more
than just a parking lot
306
00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:22,241
where people met to buy Ritalin.
307
00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:25,317
People weren't obese.
308
00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:26,578
They were just fat.
309
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:29,120
And if you wanted an apple...
310
00:11:30,723 --> 00:11:33,624
...you'd have to eat a pie.
311
00:11:33,726 --> 00:11:36,126
That's why I'm not gonna
give you what you ordered.
312
00:11:36,228 --> 00:11:40,096
No, today, I'm gonna give you
3,800 calories
313
00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:43,168
of the greatest
goddamn country in the world.
314
00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:45,396
[Garbled speech]
315
00:11:45,504 --> 00:11:46,971
Pull ahead.
316
00:11:50,276 --> 00:11:51,607
WOMAN: J. J?
317
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,202
Someone emptied their butt
in the women's bathroom.
318
00:11:56,949 --> 00:12:00,214
Hand me my mop.
319
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:05,388
Ugh! There is a lot
of shit in here.
320
00:12:12,498 --> 00:12:14,329
[Indistinct speakingon television]
321
00:12:14,433 --> 00:12:16,401
Is the Internet
working for you?
322
00:12:16,502 --> 00:12:17,764
Mm...
323
00:12:17,870 --> 00:12:20,395
Let me see.
324
00:12:20,506 --> 00:12:22,133
No.
325
00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:23,902
Give me my phone.
I'll call.
326
00:12:26,045 --> 00:12:27,706
Uh, maybe it's better
if I call.
327
00:12:27,813 --> 00:12:31,044
No, I know what you're thinking,
but I'm not gonna freak out.
328
00:12:31,150 --> 00:12:32,515
I'm in like
a really good place.
329
00:12:32,618 --> 00:12:33,949
You sure?
330
00:12:34,053 --> 00:12:37,921
Oh, my God. It's a phone call.
Like, relax.
331
00:12:38,023 --> 00:12:41,754
[Woman singing
in native language]
332
00:12:42,828 --> 00:12:43,852
You got this, girl.
333
00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:49,366
[Line ringing]
334
00:12:49,468 --> 00:12:50,992
WOMAN'S VOICE:
Please listen carefully,
335
00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:52,832
as our menu has changed.
336
00:12:52,938 --> 00:12:54,337
For English,please press 1.
337
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:55,168
English.
338
00:12:55,274 --> 00:12:56,969
Are you currentlya Time Warner Cable customer?
339
00:12:57,076 --> 00:12:58,134
Yes.
340
00:12:58,244 --> 00:12:59,336
Do you want helpwith your account?
341
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:00,173
Yes.
342
00:13:00,279 --> 00:13:03,442
Did you say you wantto add a landline?
343
00:13:03,549 --> 00:13:04,880
Representative.
344
00:13:04,984 --> 00:13:06,451
All of our representativesare busy.
345
00:13:06,552 --> 00:13:09,282
Please hold for the nextavailable representative.
346
00:13:09,388 --> 00:13:11,083
[Muzak playing]
347
00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:19,425
MAN: Thank you for calling
Time Warner Cable.
348
00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:21,762
This is Janardan. May I have
your account number, please?
349
00:13:21,867 --> 00:13:24,199
Okay, it's 1-6-1-9...
350
00:13:24,303 --> 00:13:25,497
Please hold while I look up
the first half
351
00:13:25,604 --> 00:13:26,502
of your account number.
352
00:13:26,605 --> 00:13:28,232
Oh. Yeah, that doesn't make
any sense.
353
00:13:28,340 --> 00:13:29,898
- [Beeps]
- Please don't leave me. Hello?
354
00:13:30,009 --> 00:13:31,374
[Muzak playing]
355
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:33,968
Gah, you're fine.
356
00:13:37,082 --> 00:13:39,209
Come on, God.
357
00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:41,343
[Muzak stops, dial tone]
358
00:13:41,453 --> 00:13:43,853
Hello?
Janardan? Janardan!
359
00:13:43,956 --> 00:13:47,619
No, fuck no! Shit ass!
Fuck my whole ass! Fuck!
360
00:13:47,726 --> 00:13:49,626
Janardan!
361
00:13:49,728 --> 00:13:54,927
F-F-F-F-F-F-Fuck!
362
00:13:55,034 --> 00:13:57,025
[Wind howling]
363
00:13:57,136 --> 00:13:58,797
English.
364
00:13:58,904 --> 00:14:01,600
Representative.
365
00:14:01,707 --> 00:14:05,370
Person! Human person!
366
00:14:05,477 --> 00:14:07,035
[Whimpering]
367
00:14:07,146 --> 00:14:08,773
Thank you for calling
Time Warner Cable.
368
00:14:08,881 --> 00:14:09,813
This is Janardan.
May I...
369
00:14:09,915 --> 00:14:14,352
1-6-1-9-6-3-4.
370
00:14:14,453 --> 00:14:16,546
I need your account number,
please.
371
00:14:16,655 --> 00:14:19,522
Janardan, just be real
right now, man.
372
00:14:19,625 --> 00:14:21,923
Be real!
373
00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:23,995
Ma'am, let me transfer you
to our transfer department.
374
00:14:24,096 --> 00:14:25,529
- What?
- Please hold for...
375
00:14:25,631 --> 00:14:26,563
No, no, no, no, no!
376
00:14:26,665 --> 00:14:28,963
No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no!
377
00:14:29,068 --> 00:14:30,729
No, Janardan!
378
00:14:30,836 --> 00:14:33,031
Janardan! Fuck!
379
00:14:33,138 --> 00:14:35,629
Fuck. Fuck.
380
00:14:38,644 --> 00:14:40,703
[Voice breaking] I mean,
I was gonna go back to school,
381
00:14:40,813 --> 00:14:43,179
but, like, for what?
382
00:14:43,282 --> 00:14:44,840
Like, for what?
383
00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:46,747
We're all going
to the same place anyway.
384
00:14:46,852 --> 00:14:48,149
[Sniffles]
385
00:14:48,254 --> 00:14:50,984
All we have
are our relationships.
386
00:14:51,090 --> 00:14:54,321
Like, that's all we have
in this world.
387
00:14:54,426 --> 00:14:56,018
That's who we are.
388
00:14:56,128 --> 00:14:57,561
JANARDAN: We'll need
the serial number
389
00:14:57,663 --> 00:14:59,688
of the first modem
you ever owned.
390
00:14:59,798 --> 00:15:02,790
Fuck you, Janardan!
391
00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,836
[Sobbing] Fuck you.
392
00:15:04,937 --> 00:15:06,165
And what was the nickname
393
00:15:06,272 --> 00:15:08,137
your mother gave you
when you were seven?
394
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:11,539
I know you're probably,
like, a really good guy.
395
00:15:11,644 --> 00:15:14,306
It's not your fault.
You're probably like...
396
00:15:14,413 --> 00:15:15,846
You have interests,
397
00:15:15,948 --> 00:15:18,849
and maybe you have, like,
a family
398
00:15:18,951 --> 00:15:23,411
or, like, a cat or something,
but, like, fuck you.
399
00:15:23,522 --> 00:15:24,511
[Sobbing]
400
00:15:24,623 --> 00:15:28,423
Like, why are you doing this
to us, Janardan?!
401
00:15:28,527 --> 00:15:32,520
[Sobbing]
402
00:15:35,567 --> 00:15:38,001
[The Cranberries' "Linger"
playing]
403
00:15:39,305 --> 00:15:43,605
But I'm in so deep
404
00:15:43,709 --> 00:15:48,442
You know
I'm such a fool for you
405
00:15:48,547 --> 00:15:53,917
You got me wrapped around
your finger, ah ha ha
406
00:15:54,019 --> 00:15:57,079
Do you have to
let it linger?
407
00:15:57,189 --> 00:15:59,487
Do you have to...
Do you have to
408
00:15:59,591 --> 00:16:03,391
Do you have to
let it linger?
409
00:16:03,495 --> 00:16:09,695
Oh, I thought
the world of you
410
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:14,705
I thought nothing
could go wrong
411
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:17,605
But I was wrong
412
00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:20,838
I was wrong
413
00:16:20,946 --> 00:16:22,470
If you
414
00:16:22,581 --> 00:16:24,879
If you could get by
415
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,315
Trying not to lie
416
00:16:26,418 --> 00:16:27,510
I love you, Janardan.
417
00:16:27,619 --> 00:16:29,746
I love you too, Mrs. "Skumer."
418
00:16:29,855 --> 00:16:31,823
Things wouldn't be
so confused
419
00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:32,822
Do it.
420
00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:35,120
And I wouldn't feel so used
421
00:16:35,227 --> 00:16:36,751
[Gunshot]
422
00:16:36,862 --> 00:16:39,797
[Beeping]
423
00:16:39,898 --> 00:16:43,163
Oh, the router just needed
to be restarted.
424
00:16:45,537 --> 00:16:46,731
Cool.
425
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,373
WOMAN: Yeah, okay, well,
I'm about, you know, 5'3".
426
00:16:58,484 --> 00:17:02,420
I'm really petite, and, um,
I have long, long blond hair,
427
00:17:02,521 --> 00:17:03,954
and I have bright blue eyes
428
00:17:04,056 --> 00:17:06,490
and pouty mouth
that's perfect for sucking.
429
00:17:06,592 --> 00:17:08,389
I don't know if that did it
for you. I'm just...
430
00:17:08,494 --> 00:17:10,121
This is all doing it for me.
431
00:17:10,229 --> 00:17:12,754
So, Jennifer, you were
a phone-sex operator.
432
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:13,832
Yes, I was.
433
00:17:13,932 --> 00:17:15,627
Were you nervous
your first couple calls?
434
00:17:15,734 --> 00:17:17,634
Yes. You know, I'd been
around the block enough.
435
00:17:17,736 --> 00:17:19,636
Like, I've had enough sex
to know what...
436
00:17:19,738 --> 00:17:21,399
I'm not stranger to a cock,
but still...
437
00:17:21,507 --> 00:17:25,500
What was the most typical
fantasy that a guy would want?
438
00:17:25,611 --> 00:17:27,772
A lot of people wanted, like,
the girlfriend experience.
439
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:28,744
What does that mean?
440
00:17:28,847 --> 00:17:30,576
Someone to actually,
like, talk to them
441
00:17:30,682 --> 00:17:32,240
as if they're
in a relationship.
442
00:17:32,351 --> 00:17:34,649
So would you
just, like, complain
443
00:17:34,753 --> 00:17:36,152
and be, like, mad at them?
444
00:17:36,255 --> 00:17:37,552
My character, actually,
445
00:17:37,656 --> 00:17:40,147
she was like a college coed
sex kitten.
446
00:17:40,259 --> 00:17:42,625
Now, they had picked her for me.
Like, I didn't have...
447
00:17:42,728 --> 00:17:43,786
Oh, they assigned you
a character.
448
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:46,091
They assigned me somebody
based on my voice.
449
00:17:46,198 --> 00:17:48,598
Samantha.
That was my character.
450
00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:50,258
Samantha was somebody
before she was you.
451
00:17:50,369 --> 00:17:52,667
Yes, whoever was
working her before,
452
00:17:52,771 --> 00:17:54,329
I guess they quit,
got fired, who knows?
453
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:56,704
- So I had to come in.
- Murdered. Let's hope not.
454
00:17:56,809 --> 00:17:57,867
I just remember
one call I got.
455
00:17:57,976 --> 00:17:59,841
He wanted me to be
like five different people.
456
00:17:59,945 --> 00:18:01,378
He's like,
"We're at a pool party
457
00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:02,606
and we're hanging out
with friends,
458
00:18:02,714 --> 00:18:03,806
and then
you and I are gonna go
459
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,941
into the laundry room
and have sex."
460
00:18:06,051 --> 00:18:07,643
And I said to him,
"Why don't we just go
461
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:09,186
and start in the laundry room?"
462
00:18:09,288 --> 00:18:10,846
He's like, "Well, no,
we have to talk to people."
463
00:18:10,956 --> 00:18:12,514
- There's a location change?
- Yes!
464
00:18:12,624 --> 00:18:14,114
Is this
"Prairie Home Companion"?
465
00:18:14,226 --> 00:18:15,591
Like, why is he making you
do this?
466
00:18:15,694 --> 00:18:17,594
At one point,
I had to be, like, the person...
467
00:18:17,696 --> 00:18:19,254
Like, "Hey, does anybody
need drinks?
468
00:18:19,364 --> 00:18:20,524
I'm going to the kitchen."
469
00:18:20,632 --> 00:18:23,499
And then I'm like, "Yeah, well,
I can get something," you know?
470
00:18:23,602 --> 00:18:24,728
[Laughing]
471
00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:26,737
And I also had props.
Now, that's a huge thing.
472
00:18:26,839 --> 00:18:28,704
Oh, yeah.
What, to make noise and stuff?
473
00:18:28,807 --> 00:18:31,605
Yes, I had a book
and a spatula.
474
00:18:31,710 --> 00:18:32,870
You just bang that, you know,
475
00:18:32,978 --> 00:18:34,570
kind of sounds like
ass slapping.
476
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:36,671
- It does?
- Yeah, just a little bit.
477
00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:38,409
And grapefruit or an orange.
478
00:18:38,517 --> 00:18:41,213
I'd cut it in half,
squeeze it up to the phone.
479
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:43,185
Just kind if, you know,
if you can imagine.
480
00:18:43,288 --> 00:18:45,119
- I can.
- It works. Put it that way.
481
00:18:45,224 --> 00:18:46,657
Is there anything
that you said no to?
482
00:18:46,758 --> 00:18:49,488
One person was asking me
to be like a Girl Scout
483
00:18:49,595 --> 00:18:51,085
and sell Girl Scout cookies.
484
00:18:51,196 --> 00:18:52,288
But those are good cookies.
485
00:18:52,397 --> 00:18:53,421
Yeah,
they're very good cookies.
486
00:18:53,532 --> 00:18:55,864
- They're almost the best.
- And you get gifts too.
487
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,663
- You do? You can get gifts?
- Yes.
488
00:18:57,769 --> 00:19:01,261
A lot of them want you
to sell your panties
489
00:19:01,373 --> 00:19:02,499
or sell something personal.
490
00:19:02,608 --> 00:19:03,768
That's a big no-no.
491
00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:06,174
Oh.
I was like, "Sure!"
492
00:19:06,278 --> 00:19:07,210
So I thought about it.
493
00:19:07,312 --> 00:19:10,042
I'm gonna auction off these
Spanx for a blood diamond.
494
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:11,639
Can you teach me
how to have phone sex?
495
00:19:11,750 --> 00:19:13,911
Well, the first... You just
have to be comfortable, okay?
496
00:19:14,019 --> 00:19:15,008
Okay.
497
00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:17,247
So I'd say, "Um, hey, okay,
498
00:19:17,356 --> 00:19:19,483
so I've got on
some stockings right now
499
00:19:19,591 --> 00:19:20,922
with a garter belt.
500
00:19:21,026 --> 00:19:23,961
And I've got on some really,
really tiny pink panties.
501
00:19:24,062 --> 00:19:25,620
And it's a thong in the back.
502
00:19:25,731 --> 00:19:28,461
And, um, I want you
to come over and take it off."
503
00:19:28,567 --> 00:19:29,693
Wow.
504
00:19:29,801 --> 00:19:31,632
- That's what they would hear.
- Guys?
505
00:19:31,737 --> 00:19:33,568
Do you talk a lot of shit now
when you have sex?
506
00:19:33,672 --> 00:19:36,140
Sometimes. Yeah.
Sometimes.
507
00:19:36,241 --> 00:19:38,300
What's your record
for the shortest call?
508
00:19:38,410 --> 00:19:40,503
Shortest call,
I was proud of myself.
509
00:19:40,612 --> 00:19:42,136
They bought a ten,
and I did it in three.
510
00:19:44,483 --> 00:19:45,780
- Thank you.
- Yes, thank you.
511
00:19:48,654 --> 00:19:50,349
I got stopped by TMZ
the other day.
512
00:19:50,455 --> 00:19:51,854
- [Cheers and applause]
- Thank you.
513
00:19:51,957 --> 00:19:53,015
Oh, stop!
514
00:19:53,125 --> 00:19:55,559
I think they thought
I was Paula Deen, but still.
515
00:19:55,661 --> 00:19:57,185
[Laughter]
516
00:19:57,296 --> 00:19:58,957
Because we have
the same politics or whatever.
517
00:19:59,064 --> 00:20:00,588
I was psyched.
518
00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:03,463
I know if TMZ stops you,
you're supposed to be like,
519
00:20:03,569 --> 00:20:04,968
"I'm busy!
How dare you?!"
520
00:20:05,070 --> 00:20:06,867
But I was like, "What's up?
What's going on? I got time.
521
00:20:06,972 --> 00:20:08,064
What's up?"
522
00:20:08,173 --> 00:20:09,435
[Laughter]
523
00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:11,475
And then he asked me,
like, a slut question
524
00:20:11,577 --> 00:20:15,104
'cause I'm the it girl
for that, and, uh...
525
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:18,149
And he was like... He asked me
about a product called Instead.
526
00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:20,241
You've never heard of it, right?
I'd never heard of it.
527
00:20:20,352 --> 00:20:23,048
It is a product for women.
You buy it at the drug store.
528
00:20:23,155 --> 00:20:25,146
So you put it in so you can have
sex when you have your period
529
00:20:25,257 --> 00:20:26,224
and not even tell the guy.
530
00:20:26,325 --> 00:20:29,385
- [Woman gasps]
- I know! I was like, "Ew!"
531
00:20:29,494 --> 00:20:31,962
Right? I am super old-school
with that stuff.
532
00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:33,031
I just do the whole, like,
533
00:20:33,131 --> 00:20:35,895
"oops, I must've just gotten it"
thing, you know?
534
00:20:36,001 --> 00:20:37,696
[Laughter]
535
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:43,598
"Oh, no."
536
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:46,704
Or I'll pretend like
I was a virgin.
537
00:20:46,812 --> 00:20:50,179
I'm like, "Are you mad?
It hurt." Just...
538
00:20:52,784 --> 00:20:55,810
Where's the can?
Gonna empty out my bowels.
539
00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:57,411
[Laughter]
540
00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:07,326
I sleep on a futon.
541
00:21:07,432 --> 00:21:09,127
I've been using the same Brita
for three years.
542
00:21:09,234 --> 00:21:11,031
My roommate is a bassist.
543
00:21:11,136 --> 00:21:13,468
Don't tell me I'm not
fucking putting cook...
544
00:21:13,572 --> 00:21:16,302
and fuck, fuck, suck, fuck,
goddamn motherfucker!
545
00:21:16,408 --> 00:21:18,706
Don't look at him
when he gets like this.
546
00:21:18,810 --> 00:21:21,040
CHARLES: Ugh! Sorry.
547
00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:35,600
Ripped By mstoll
548
00:21:35,650 --> 00:21:40,200
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
40293
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof