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1
00:00:01,487 --> 00:00:03,421
Yeah, I'm drinking cucumber
water right now.
2
00:00:03,522 --> 00:00:05,456
I can't believe you got me
a four-handed massage.
3
00:00:05,557 --> 00:00:06,824
Like, I've never
even heard of that.
4
00:00:06,925 --> 00:00:08,426
That's-- that's way
more expensive
5
00:00:08,527 --> 00:00:11,028
than anything I would
get you, trust me.
6
00:00:11,196 --> 00:00:14,398
I have to go, there's
like two creepies here.
7
00:00:14,500 --> 00:00:16,200
- Hello.
- Hi.
8
00:00:16,301 --> 00:00:17,735
Do you guys need me
to clear out of here?
9
00:00:17,836 --> 00:00:19,337
- Are you Amy?
- Yeah.
10
00:00:19,471 --> 00:00:21,272
You have a four-handed
massage, yes?
11
00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:22,707
We're your therapists.
12
00:00:22,841 --> 00:00:24,909
- I'm Noel.
- I'm Gunth.
13
00:00:25,010 --> 00:00:26,177
Namaste.
14
00:00:26,278 --> 00:00:27,912
Would you excuse me, just...
15
00:00:28,046 --> 00:00:29,680
One minute?
16
00:00:29,815 --> 00:00:31,449
Hi, I'm-- I'm sorry.
17
00:00:31,617 --> 00:00:33,017
Do you have any female
therapists available?
18
00:00:33,185 --> 00:00:35,920
I think I just assumed
they'd be women.
19
00:00:36,054 --> 00:00:37,555
No women today.
20
00:00:37,723 --> 00:00:40,191
All of our lady therapists
are home with period cramps.
21
00:00:40,292 --> 00:00:42,326
They synchronize their cycles.
22
00:00:42,427 --> 00:00:44,762
But you're in
for a real treat.
23
00:00:57,142 --> 00:00:58,209
Before we get started,
24
00:00:58,310 --> 00:00:59,577
are there any injures
we should know about?
25
00:00:59,711 --> 00:01:01,145
No, nothing I can think of.
26
00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:03,514
You have no problems
with your shoulders,
27
00:01:03,615 --> 00:01:05,750
- tummy, booty...
- No.
28
00:01:05,818 --> 00:01:07,718
Elbows, ankles, ta-ta's?
29
00:01:07,820 --> 00:01:08,786
None of those things.
30
00:01:08,887 --> 00:01:09,854
Everything's okay.
31
00:01:09,955 --> 00:01:11,322
We'll just give you
a moment to disrobe.
32
00:01:11,423 --> 00:01:12,323
How much should I take off?
33
00:01:12,424 --> 00:01:13,391
Everything.
34
00:01:13,492 --> 00:01:14,792
We wanna touch
all of your skin.
35
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:16,160
All, my skin...
36
00:01:16,261 --> 00:01:18,429
We'll be back
in just a minute.
37
00:01:18,530 --> 00:01:20,298
Okay.
38
00:01:25,604 --> 00:01:26,804
- Are you naked yet?
- No.
39
00:01:26,905 --> 00:01:29,740
- Wonderful, we're coming in.
- Jesus!
40
00:01:36,315 --> 00:01:37,481
Nice.
41
00:01:37,616 --> 00:01:39,217
Nice what?
42
00:01:39,318 --> 00:01:40,751
I was talking to Gunth.
43
00:01:40,886 --> 00:01:42,386
He's doing a wonderful job.
44
00:01:42,554 --> 00:01:43,588
Are you tight?
45
00:01:43,755 --> 00:01:44,856
You seem really tight.
46
00:01:45,023 --> 00:01:46,123
Are you feeling tight?
47
00:01:46,225 --> 00:01:47,825
Okay, are you talking to
me or each other right now?
48
00:01:51,797 --> 00:01:52,897
Okay...
49
00:01:53,031 --> 00:01:56,100
Now we're gonna jam
on your lower body.
50
00:01:58,136 --> 00:01:59,837
Crazy.
51
00:02:00,005 --> 00:02:01,272
Her legs are exactly the same.
52
00:02:01,440 --> 00:02:03,908
Okay, what are
you talking about?
53
00:02:04,042 --> 00:02:04,942
Your legs.
54
00:02:05,077 --> 00:02:06,043
Oh.
55
00:02:06,144 --> 00:02:07,411
They're the exact
same as our niece's.
56
00:02:07,512 --> 00:02:09,347
Okay, I'm really
having trouble relaxing.
57
00:02:09,448 --> 00:02:11,449
Would you guys mind
just not talking?
58
00:02:11,550 --> 00:02:13,150
Maybe like just
putting on some music?
59
00:02:13,285 --> 00:02:15,319
Of course... we're sorry.
60
00:02:16,521 --> 00:02:21,826
Omm...
61
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:24,896
Guys, guys...
62
00:02:25,030 --> 00:02:28,032
Guys, I know that's
just you singing.
63
00:02:28,166 --> 00:02:29,300
We're not singing.
64
00:02:29,434 --> 00:02:30,301
We're not.
65
00:02:31,737 --> 00:02:33,137
Oh, sorry.
66
00:02:33,238 --> 00:02:35,439
Take another deep breath.
67
00:02:35,540 --> 00:02:38,542
Okay, you have a severe
knot in this muffin top
68
00:02:38,644 --> 00:02:40,478
and we're gonna work it out.
69
00:02:45,284 --> 00:02:46,651
Okay, how many hands
are on me right now?
70
00:02:46,785 --> 00:02:48,219
Shh...
71
00:02:51,953 --> 00:02:58,022
Sync && corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
72
00:02:58,630 --> 00:03:01,299
I like when I start dating
someone new, and, uh,
73
00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:02,533
I think all girls do this.
74
00:03:02,668 --> 00:03:04,902
You kinda test how much
(bleep) a guy will take.
75
00:03:05,003 --> 00:03:07,538
You're just like,
here's a little bit.
76
00:03:07,639 --> 00:03:08,739
Here's a little bit.
77
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,107
Then finally
he's like, "Hey!"
78
00:03:10,242 --> 00:03:12,343
You're like, okay, so
that's the line, okay.
79
00:03:15,914 --> 00:03:17,815
I want a guy who
I can push around
80
00:03:17,950 --> 00:03:19,817
just like a little
bit, you know?
81
00:03:19,952 --> 00:03:22,086
Just like a guy in
a wheelchair, because...
82
00:03:24,456 --> 00:03:25,589
They need you.
83
00:03:29,761 --> 00:03:31,329
Well, can I just say
I love it here
84
00:03:31,496 --> 00:03:33,097
and I definitely wanna
be your housemate.
85
00:03:33,198 --> 00:03:35,599
Awesome, great, um...
86
00:03:35,734 --> 00:03:37,568
I do need to warn
you about one thing.
87
00:03:37,703 --> 00:03:39,437
So you haven't met
Amy yet, she's great.
88
00:03:39,571 --> 00:03:43,975
She does have a boyfriend who
comes over a lot and they fight.
89
00:03:44,076 --> 00:03:46,444
Oh, well, all couples
fight, I think.
90
00:03:46,578 --> 00:03:48,312
Uh, it's crazy,
it's really shocking
91
00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:50,114
the things that
they say to each other.
92
00:03:50,248 --> 00:03:52,016
All your thoughts are...
93
00:03:52,150 --> 00:03:53,784
Here we go.
94
00:03:53,885 --> 00:03:56,053
...from elderly people,
from old people, yeah.
95
00:03:56,154 --> 00:03:57,455
You know what you are,
you're a poop person.
96
00:03:57,589 --> 00:03:58,456
I'm a poop person?
97
00:03:58,590 --> 00:04:00,691
God pooped in his hand, threw it
at earth and you're that poop.
98
00:04:00,826 --> 00:04:03,094
Oh, our Lord and Savior
poops in His hand?
99
00:04:03,195 --> 00:04:06,163
You know what, I hope
you have to sneeze like...
100
00:04:06,331 --> 00:04:07,798
and it just doesn't
happen for you.
101
00:04:07,933 --> 00:04:09,767
I hope that you get
stuck in traffic lights
102
00:04:09,835 --> 00:04:11,135
and you just miss
the green one!
103
00:04:12,604 --> 00:04:15,039
I hope that the next time
that you go to a wedding
104
00:04:15,207 --> 00:04:16,967
you're wearing the
same dress as someone else
105
00:04:17,042 --> 00:04:18,482
and it becomes the
joke of the night.
106
00:04:18,543 --> 00:04:20,223
You have to take
pictures with that person.
107
00:04:20,278 --> 00:04:22,880
Well, I hope that next time you
watch an episode of "Homeland"
108
00:04:23,015 --> 00:04:26,283
that the DVR cuts out before you
see scenes from the next week
109
00:04:26,418 --> 00:04:27,539
so to find out what happened
110
00:04:27,619 --> 00:04:29,299
you have to just
like ask around the office
111
00:04:29,388 --> 00:04:32,089
or look online like
a homeless person!
112
00:04:32,224 --> 00:04:34,191
And I hope that the next
time you go to a concert
113
00:04:34,359 --> 00:04:36,327
that the band doesn't play
the song you wanna hear
114
00:04:36,461 --> 00:04:40,097
and instead, they just play
songs off their new album!
115
00:04:40,232 --> 00:04:41,232
Oh, God!
116
00:04:41,366 --> 00:04:42,933
Or like a jam session
or something...
117
00:04:43,101 --> 00:04:45,002
I think we might need
to call the police.
118
00:04:45,137 --> 00:04:47,304
Katia, get in here,
he's lost his damn mind!
119
00:04:47,472 --> 00:04:48,973
Whoa, Oh, my God, Oh, my God.
120
00:04:49,107 --> 00:04:50,107
David, put that down.
121
00:04:50,275 --> 00:04:51,155
David, this isn't you.
122
00:04:51,209 --> 00:04:52,169
You don't wanna do this.
123
00:04:59,351 --> 00:05:03,788
You need to leave right now.
124
00:05:03,889 --> 00:05:06,657
Is that what you want, Amy?
125
00:05:06,758 --> 00:05:11,996
What I want, is for you to
accidentally sit on your cell phone.
126
00:05:12,097 --> 00:05:14,331
And I want you to touch
four P's in a row
127
00:05:14,499 --> 00:05:16,867
to someone you haven't
talked to in a long time.
128
00:05:16,968 --> 00:05:19,303
You know what-- I hope the next
time that you take a shower
129
00:05:19,404 --> 00:05:21,105
the shower curtain
clings to you
130
00:05:21,206 --> 00:05:23,441
and no matter what you do,
you can't get it off you.
131
00:05:23,542 --> 00:05:25,582
You can get it off you,
but for the rest of the day,
132
00:05:25,710 --> 00:05:27,411
you never really feel clean!
133
00:05:27,512 --> 00:05:29,880
Get out!
134
00:05:29,981 --> 00:05:31,248
Get out!
135
00:05:31,349 --> 00:05:32,516
He's sick.
136
00:05:32,617 --> 00:05:33,984
Get out!
137
00:05:34,119 --> 00:05:35,986
And I'm not coming
back here ever.
138
00:05:36,088 --> 00:05:38,756
Unless this blows over.
139
00:05:41,526 --> 00:05:43,294
It's over now, okay?
140
00:05:43,395 --> 00:05:45,296
He almost went so insane...
141
00:05:45,397 --> 00:05:46,330
I know.
142
00:05:46,498 --> 00:05:47,631
There was a moment there.
143
00:05:47,799 --> 00:05:48,799
Hey, this is Karen.
144
00:05:48,934 --> 00:05:50,367
She might move in with us.
145
00:05:50,535 --> 00:05:52,002
Hi.
146
00:05:54,306 --> 00:05:56,307
You didn't even tell me you're
moving out, you dumb (bleep)?
147
00:05:56,441 --> 00:05:58,509
I'm sorry you guys,
this is my boyfriend.
148
00:05:58,610 --> 00:05:59,510
You know what?
149
00:05:59,644 --> 00:06:00,511
You're the (bleep)!
150
00:06:00,645 --> 00:06:03,080
Why don't you get your (bleep)
out of your (bleep)!
151
00:06:03,181 --> 00:06:04,982
Why don't you get the
(bleep) out of your ears
152
00:06:04,983 --> 00:06:07,685
and get your skank-ass and get the
rest of your (bleep) out here.
153
00:06:07,819 --> 00:06:09,453
You know what,
I hope you rot in hell
154
00:06:09,554 --> 00:06:12,423
after you watch every single
person you love die.
155
00:06:12,557 --> 00:06:14,959
You are a white trash
piece of (bleep).
156
00:06:15,060 --> 00:06:18,329
You are the reason why your
stepmother killed herself.
157
00:06:18,430 --> 00:06:19,663
Oh, my God!
158
00:06:19,798 --> 00:06:20,798
Get back here.
159
00:06:20,932 --> 00:06:23,567
You are a (bleep)
(bleep) (bleep).
160
00:06:24,769 --> 00:06:25,636
She's great.
161
00:06:25,804 --> 00:06:26,637
She's so cool.
162
00:06:26,738 --> 00:06:28,873
Yeah, she's really nice.
163
00:06:35,582 --> 00:06:37,950
What's the worst thing
you've ever done?
164
00:06:38,084 --> 00:06:39,418
Sex wise?
165
00:06:41,955 --> 00:06:43,822
That's not what I meant
but now I wanna know.
166
00:06:47,493 --> 00:06:50,162
Well, I wanna thank everyone
for coming in today.
167
00:06:50,296 --> 00:06:53,665
Uh, group therapy, I know it can
make men a little uncomfortable.
168
00:06:53,766 --> 00:06:57,903
But I guarantee you your
communication skills will improve.
169
00:06:58,037 --> 00:07:00,005
Well, why don't we
start with you, David.
170
00:07:00,106 --> 00:07:02,007
Um, okay.
171
00:07:02,141 --> 00:07:04,910
So I know Lisa--
that's my wife.
172
00:07:05,044 --> 00:07:08,647
Um... she thinks we just
hit a bump in our marriage
173
00:07:08,748 --> 00:07:11,116
but the thing is, um...
174
00:07:11,217 --> 00:07:15,821
for the last few years I've
had a secret family in Tampa.
175
00:07:15,955 --> 00:07:16,855
It sounds bad.
176
00:07:16,990 --> 00:07:18,824
David, there are
no judgments here.
177
00:07:18,958 --> 00:07:22,127
That must be very painful for you
to have a secret from your wife.
178
00:07:22,262 --> 00:07:23,328
It's the worst.
179
00:07:23,429 --> 00:07:25,097
Have you given any
thought to a remedy?
180
00:07:25,265 --> 00:07:27,332
Well, yeah, I was
thinking, um...
181
00:07:27,467 --> 00:07:30,602
maybe going on a sunset boat
ride for our anniversary?
182
00:07:30,703 --> 00:07:34,006
Take her out in the
open ocean, drug her,
183
00:07:34,173 --> 00:07:37,142
throw her in the
water so she drowns.
184
00:07:41,180 --> 00:07:44,016
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
185
00:07:44,150 --> 00:07:48,186
How do we-- uh, what do-- how 'bout
we say for now that you do nothing?
186
00:07:48,354 --> 00:07:49,288
Well, it's not for
a couple months.
187
00:07:49,389 --> 00:07:50,956
Okay, good, so...
188
00:07:51,057 --> 00:07:52,491
So don't do anything--
do nothing.
189
00:07:52,592 --> 00:07:54,726
Uh, and, uh, Ben.
190
00:07:54,827 --> 00:07:56,628
Do you have a share?
191
00:07:56,729 --> 00:08:00,032
My deal is a few months
ago I told my wife
192
00:08:00,133 --> 00:08:02,100
I was going on
a business trip.
193
00:08:02,201 --> 00:08:04,069
But in truth,
194
00:08:04,170 --> 00:08:09,474
I went on a two-month sex
tour of sub-Sahara Africa.
195
00:08:09,575 --> 00:08:12,277
So that.
196
00:08:12,378 --> 00:08:13,912
How do you feel?
197
00:08:14,047 --> 00:08:16,748
How do you feel about
that, how do you feel?
198
00:08:16,849 --> 00:08:19,084
Honestly... great.
199
00:08:19,185 --> 00:08:21,820
That was the best trip I ever
took in my life, hands down.
200
00:08:21,955 --> 00:08:23,488
If you ever get
the chance to go...
201
00:08:23,589 --> 00:08:24,890
- Really?
- Go.
202
00:08:25,024 --> 00:08:25,891
Is it expensive?
203
00:08:26,025 --> 00:08:27,185
Yeah, it's crazy expensive...
204
00:08:27,293 --> 00:08:29,494
Okay, okay, well,
that'll be interesting
205
00:08:29,629 --> 00:08:31,797
for us to research on our own.
206
00:08:31,931 --> 00:08:33,365
Oh, yeah, all right, so,
207
00:08:33,499 --> 00:08:36,702
as a result of my trip now
I'm in a ton of debt.
208
00:08:36,869 --> 00:08:38,303
I'm hiding it from Karen
209
00:08:38,471 --> 00:08:41,206
and I just don't even know
how to bring it up to her.
210
00:08:41,307 --> 00:08:42,641
That's a difficult
conversation to have.
211
00:08:42,742 --> 00:08:46,211
Maybe we could all brainstorm
some solutions together.
212
00:08:46,346 --> 00:08:49,881
Oh, well, I was kinda more
thinking, you know,
213
00:08:50,016 --> 00:08:51,683
probably just chop her
up in little pieces
214
00:08:51,818 --> 00:08:53,618
and drain her bank account.
215
00:08:55,955 --> 00:08:59,091
Okay, uh, you know what,
I wanna just pause here, uh...
216
00:08:59,258 --> 00:09:01,059
Um, first of all,
217
00:09:01,227 --> 00:09:05,197
no one feel any pressure to
unload everything... today.
218
00:09:05,331 --> 00:09:06,465
It's the first day.
219
00:09:06,599 --> 00:09:09,234
And then also, um, maybe
as a group we can...
220
00:09:09,369 --> 00:09:11,069
we can come up with, uh...
221
00:09:11,237 --> 00:09:18,543
with a solution to Ben's issues that
don't involve him murdering Karen.
222
00:09:18,678 --> 00:09:21,079
Um... he can hire
somebody to kill Karen?
223
00:09:21,180 --> 00:09:22,080
Oh.
224
00:09:22,215 --> 00:09:23,081
Great, okay.
225
00:09:23,216 --> 00:09:24,149
I didn't even think of that.
226
00:09:24,283 --> 00:09:26,385
Um, you know what--
how about...
227
00:09:26,519 --> 00:09:30,455
Let's all work together here and
come up with some solutions,
228
00:09:30,623 --> 00:09:36,995
uh... where we can
keep Karen alive.
229
00:09:37,096 --> 00:09:38,964
- Alive...
- Alive.
230
00:09:39,065 --> 00:09:42,668
Oh, what if I bury her alive?
231
00:09:42,902 --> 00:09:44,336
Okay, that-- no.
232
00:09:44,470 --> 00:09:46,271
Just kind of like
meeting halfway.
233
00:09:46,406 --> 00:09:49,074
At the end of that,
she would still be dead.
234
00:09:49,208 --> 00:09:50,342
Sebastian...
235
00:09:50,510 --> 00:09:52,778
Sebastian, we haven't
heard from you, yet.
236
00:09:52,912 --> 00:09:55,313
So, I've been playing
fantasy football
237
00:09:55,415 --> 00:09:58,717
with this same group of
guys for years now.
238
00:09:58,851 --> 00:10:03,722
But, uh, my wife, Darflin, she nags
me for spending so much time on it.
239
00:10:03,890 --> 00:10:06,691
I just wish she could
understand that that's just
240
00:10:06,826 --> 00:10:09,761
time I'm using to
like zone out.
241
00:10:09,896 --> 00:10:11,376
Have you tried
expressing to your wife
242
00:10:11,531 --> 00:10:13,598
that's just time that you
need to decompress?
243
00:10:13,766 --> 00:10:14,699
I don't know.
244
00:10:14,834 --> 00:10:16,201
But, and the other
part of it is
245
00:10:16,369 --> 00:10:19,504
last weekend I (bleep) all
the guys in the fantasy league
246
00:10:19,639 --> 00:10:25,310
and I never used any
protection like... at all.
247
00:10:25,845 --> 00:10:29,281
And... we did everything.
248
00:10:29,382 --> 00:10:34,653
Um, you are, uh, I think you're
putting Darfla's health at stake.
249
00:10:34,754 --> 00:10:36,354
It's Darflin.
250
00:10:36,456 --> 00:10:38,290
Darflin's health at stake.
251
00:10:38,391 --> 00:10:41,026
You're kind of obligated
to tell her.
252
00:10:41,194 --> 00:10:43,435
I know that on paper, that--
that's the right thing to do
253
00:10:43,496 --> 00:10:47,032
but you just have no idea
how high-strung she is.
254
00:10:47,133 --> 00:10:48,494
I really think the
best thing to do
255
00:10:48,534 --> 00:10:50,869
is just sneak up behind
her and break her neck.
256
00:10:50,970 --> 00:10:52,971
Okay, okay.
257
00:10:53,072 --> 00:10:57,309
Is it really easier to kill her than
it would be to just talk to her?
258
00:10:57,477 --> 00:10:58,376
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
259
00:10:58,478 --> 00:10:59,611
Well, yeah, 'cause
I think, if I, if I,
260
00:10:59,779 --> 00:11:02,047
if I told her it would
probably kill her anyway.
261
00:11:03,850 --> 00:11:05,584
Babe, are you ready or what?
262
00:11:05,685 --> 00:11:07,052
I told you 8:00.
263
00:11:07,153 --> 00:11:08,286
Yeah, but I'm hungry now.
264
00:11:08,354 --> 00:11:09,321
Ten minutes.
265
00:11:09,422 --> 00:11:10,555
Can't we just wrap it up?
266
00:11:10,656 --> 00:11:12,190
Go to the car.
267
00:11:12,358 --> 00:11:14,599
How much longer can these guys
talk about their feelings.
268
00:11:14,660 --> 00:11:16,328
- Get in the (bleep) car.
- Let's go.
269
00:11:16,429 --> 00:11:17,462
You get in the car.
270
00:11:17,563 --> 00:11:19,124
- Chop, chop, come on.
- Close the door.
271
00:11:19,165 --> 00:11:20,098
Close the door.
272
00:11:22,368 --> 00:11:24,636
I'm so sorry about
that everyone.
273
00:11:24,737 --> 00:11:27,038
Sometimes, I don't
know what to do.
274
00:11:27,140 --> 00:11:29,608
Well, you could slowly poison
him over time or something.
275
00:11:29,709 --> 00:11:32,191
Yeah, it'll just
look like he got sick.
276
00:11:32,217 --> 00:11:32,836
Yeah.
277
00:11:32,912 --> 00:11:34,846
Or-- off of what
David just said,
278
00:11:35,014 --> 00:11:37,149
uh, you go on a
hiking trip, right?
279
00:11:37,250 --> 00:11:39,050
Then when he falls asleep,
280
00:11:39,152 --> 00:11:42,621
you shoot him with a gun that you
got off the Mexican internet.
281
00:11:42,722 --> 00:11:43,882
They have their own internet?
282
00:11:43,956 --> 00:11:45,790
Yeah, it's mostly
just for guns.
283
00:11:45,925 --> 00:11:49,427
But, uh... it's untraceable.
284
00:11:49,529 --> 00:11:51,496
It's not hard, I got the
number if you want it.
285
00:11:51,597 --> 00:11:52,964
Yeah, I'd love the number.
286
00:11:55,668 --> 00:11:57,769
What's the worst thing
you've ever done?
287
00:11:57,904 --> 00:12:00,338
I really can't think of
anything off the top of my head.
288
00:12:00,439 --> 00:12:01,673
I killed my parents.
289
00:12:09,032 --> 00:12:09,966
Hey, fly safe.
290
00:12:10,100 --> 00:12:11,968
- I love you sweetheart.
- I love you.
291
00:12:12,102 --> 00:12:14,036
Bye now.
292
00:12:14,171 --> 00:12:15,605
My wife thinks I'm a pilot.
293
00:12:15,739 --> 00:12:16,706
But I'm not.
294
00:12:16,807 --> 00:12:18,007
I have a secret family.
295
00:12:18,142 --> 00:12:19,108
How do I sleep at night?
296
00:12:19,243 --> 00:12:21,844
I made both my wives
buy a Comforsleep.
297
00:12:21,979 --> 00:12:24,914
Every day people across
America are finding out
298
00:12:25,048 --> 00:12:26,282
that a Comforsleep mattress
299
00:12:26,416 --> 00:12:28,551
will give you the best
night's sleep of your life.
300
00:12:28,685 --> 00:12:31,621
When I accidentally killed my
dog by leaving him in the car,
301
00:12:31,788 --> 00:12:33,422
I thought I'd never sleep
another wink.
302
00:12:33,557 --> 00:12:36,726
But then, a friend told me
about Comforsleep.
303
00:12:36,894 --> 00:12:39,662
Don't you deserve the
kind of dark dreamless sleep
304
00:12:39,796 --> 00:12:41,964
where not even God
can find you?
305
00:12:42,099 --> 00:12:44,534
This mattress makes me sleep
like I wasn't molested.
306
00:12:44,668 --> 00:12:46,769
Thanks, Comforsleep.
307
00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,941
With our patented
no-memory foam
308
00:12:52,075 --> 00:12:54,277
you can forget the past.
309
00:12:54,411 --> 00:12:55,878
I have a stressful
job rejecting
310
00:12:56,013 --> 00:12:58,114
totally reasonable
insurance claims.
311
00:12:58,248 --> 00:12:59,615
So this is perfect for me.
312
00:12:59,750 --> 00:13:01,030
I didn't know
it was an orphanage
313
00:13:01,185 --> 00:13:03,119
when I accelerated
through that front window.
314
00:13:03,220 --> 00:13:06,122
Maybe now the
screaming will stop.
315
00:13:06,223 --> 00:13:07,423
Comforsleep.
316
00:13:07,558 --> 00:13:09,158
How do you sleep at night?
317
00:13:15,165 --> 00:13:16,199
She witnessed
the whole thing.
318
00:13:16,366 --> 00:13:18,167
She is the key to
solving this murder.
319
00:13:18,335 --> 00:13:20,603
Okay, so what is it you
actually need from me?
320
00:13:20,771 --> 00:13:23,239
She has multiple-personality
disorder.
321
00:13:23,373 --> 00:13:25,208
The one that saw the
murder is named Kimberly.
322
00:13:25,342 --> 00:13:27,343
We need you to bring
out that personality.
323
00:13:27,444 --> 00:13:29,045
See what I can do.
324
00:13:32,883 --> 00:13:34,584
Hi there, I'm Dr. Morgan.
325
00:13:34,685 --> 00:13:36,586
Hi.
326
00:13:36,687 --> 00:13:38,921
I'm from the South.
327
00:13:39,056 --> 00:13:41,390
Would you like some lemonade?
328
00:13:41,491 --> 00:13:42,858
That's a southern accent?
329
00:13:42,993 --> 00:13:46,162
I would love some lemonade.
330
00:13:46,263 --> 00:13:47,230
What's your name?
331
00:13:47,364 --> 00:13:48,331
My name?
332
00:13:48,465 --> 00:13:51,033
Yes, I bet a beautiful southern belle
has a beautiful southern name.
333
00:13:51,134 --> 00:13:52,468
I'm not from the South.
334
00:13:52,603 --> 00:13:55,071
I'm from London, my name Will.
335
00:13:55,205 --> 00:13:57,139
She sounds like a
God-damn chimney sweep.
336
00:13:57,241 --> 00:13:58,322
Is this a different person?
337
00:13:58,408 --> 00:14:00,376
You sound kind of...
like the other girl.
338
00:14:00,510 --> 00:14:02,178
What'cha mean?
339
00:14:02,312 --> 00:14:05,214
A second ago I was talking
to somebody from the South,
340
00:14:05,349 --> 00:14:06,582
but you're from London.
341
00:14:06,717 --> 00:14:11,087
I'm this many
years old.
342
00:14:11,188 --> 00:14:13,189
My name's Katrina.
343
00:14:13,323 --> 00:14:14,991
I got one that age.
344
00:14:15,125 --> 00:14:16,565
Doesn't this bother
you a little bit?
345
00:14:16,627 --> 00:14:19,829
Doesn't this upset you at all?
346
00:14:19,930 --> 00:14:23,499
Okay, good, now
we're getting somewhere.
347
00:14:23,634 --> 00:14:26,102
Hi... Katrina.
348
00:14:26,236 --> 00:14:29,805
Can you tell me if Kimberly
can come out and talk?
349
00:14:29,973 --> 00:14:31,274
I'm Melinda.
350
00:14:31,441 --> 00:14:33,509
I'm the sexy one.
351
00:14:35,746 --> 00:14:37,313
Excuse me a minute.
352
00:14:39,449 --> 00:14:40,650
She's mocking us, right?
353
00:14:40,817 --> 00:14:42,718
No, she's not.
354
00:14:42,886 --> 00:14:45,654
You know those people who are just
really terrible at doing accents?
355
00:14:45,722 --> 00:14:46,555
Yeah.
356
00:14:46,723 --> 00:14:47,590
Well, she's one
of those people.
357
00:14:47,758 --> 00:14:50,860
Unfortunately, she happens to have
a multiple-personality disorder.
358
00:14:50,994 --> 00:14:52,061
For Christ's sakes.
359
00:14:52,229 --> 00:14:55,197
Fascinating, she actually believes
she's these different people.
360
00:14:55,332 --> 00:14:57,666
She just doesn't have the
faculties to create the dialect.
361
00:14:57,734 --> 00:14:59,402
So you're saying that she...
362
00:14:59,536 --> 00:15:02,305
She sucks at having
multiple personalities.
363
00:15:02,439 --> 00:15:04,840
Get me out of here!
364
00:15:04,941 --> 00:15:05,841
What is that now?
365
00:15:05,942 --> 00:15:07,076
Is that an Asian?
366
00:15:07,177 --> 00:15:08,944
Jamaican, I don't know.
367
00:15:09,046 --> 00:15:12,682
Look, whoever you are, we really
need to talk to Kimberly, please.
368
00:15:12,783 --> 00:15:13,783
Who?
369
00:15:13,917 --> 00:15:14,817
Is this Kimberly?
370
00:15:14,951 --> 00:15:15,918
Yes?
371
00:15:16,086 --> 00:15:18,120
Kimberly, what did
you see last night?
372
00:15:20,257 --> 00:15:23,726
I...
373
00:15:23,827 --> 00:15:25,728
"sawr a moon wid da goon."
374
00:15:25,829 --> 00:15:27,963
Oh, what is she saying?
375
00:15:28,065 --> 00:15:29,565
She's worse at doing
accents than I thought.
376
00:15:29,666 --> 00:15:33,069
Can you...
slow down when you talk?
377
00:15:33,170 --> 00:15:34,603
I...
378
00:15:34,705 --> 00:15:36,172
sawrs...
379
00:15:36,273 --> 00:15:37,606
a moon...
380
00:15:37,708 --> 00:15:39,742
wid da goon.
381
00:15:39,843 --> 00:15:41,811
Is that the Swedish chef,
what is it, come on.
382
00:15:41,912 --> 00:15:45,948
No Swedish chef, you can
sometimes hear what he's saying.
383
00:15:46,149 --> 00:15:48,651
Can we please just go round
up a bunch of black guys?
384
00:15:48,752 --> 00:15:51,954
Yeah, let's do that.
385
00:15:52,055 --> 00:15:53,289
Hello?
386
00:16:01,583 --> 00:16:05,452
So Kenny, you are an ex-cop
and you're now a bodyguard.
387
00:16:05,587 --> 00:16:06,820
Correct.
388
00:16:06,955 --> 00:16:08,476
I know you because I used
to open for Jim Norton
389
00:16:08,502 --> 00:16:08,881
Right.
390
00:16:08,957 --> 00:16:10,691
...and you are right now
his bodyguard.
391
00:16:10,792 --> 00:16:11,725
Yeah.
392
00:16:11,860 --> 00:16:13,861
Uh, how long were
you in the force?
393
00:16:13,962 --> 00:16:15,496
I was a cop for 25 years.
394
00:16:15,630 --> 00:16:18,265
I was a corrections officer
before that in a state prison.
395
00:16:18,399 --> 00:16:19,700
What prison?
396
00:16:19,868 --> 00:16:22,636
The same prison where
Stallone filmed "Lock Up".
397
00:16:22,737 --> 00:16:26,707
Why are you saying that like
it's so cool, like who cares?
398
00:16:26,841 --> 00:16:28,075
Do you have a gun right away?
399
00:16:28,209 --> 00:16:29,643
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you go
to the police academy.
400
00:16:29,777 --> 00:16:30,744
You graduate.
401
00:16:30,879 --> 00:16:32,119
They give you
a gun and a badge.
402
00:16:32,180 --> 00:16:33,280
I mean, are there
some just like
403
00:16:33,414 --> 00:16:34,748
straight-up (bleep)
in the academy
404
00:16:34,883 --> 00:16:36,450
that you can't even
believe they have a gun?
405
00:16:36,584 --> 00:16:40,721
Um, there's an interesting
group of people.
406
00:16:40,855 --> 00:16:41,889
Of cops, yeah.
407
00:16:41,990 --> 00:16:42,890
Okay, I'm gonna
name three races.
408
00:16:42,991 --> 00:16:44,191
You tell me, who did it, okay?
409
00:16:44,259 --> 00:16:45,159
All right.
410
00:16:45,260 --> 00:16:46,493
It's like a Jewish guy.
411
00:16:46,594 --> 00:16:49,229
Half-- he's half
Jewish, half Latino
412
00:16:49,297 --> 00:16:53,033
and one guy is half
Irish, half Puerto Rican
413
00:16:53,168 --> 00:16:56,370
and then the other
guy is Black.
414
00:16:56,504 --> 00:16:57,371
Who did it?
415
00:16:57,472 --> 00:16:58,438
The guilty person.
416
00:16:58,540 --> 00:17:00,541
It was the Jewish guy.
417
00:17:00,642 --> 00:17:02,109
I-- I don't-- you know,
418
00:17:02,210 --> 00:17:04,278
I need to know the
facts before I act.
419
00:17:04,379 --> 00:17:05,779
- I just gave you the facts.
- Okay.
420
00:17:05,813 --> 00:17:06,980
- It was a Jew.
- Okay.
421
00:17:07,081 --> 00:17:10,217
Um, if I were to
wanna become a cop
422
00:17:10,351 --> 00:17:13,854
how long would it take me from
today to when I got a gun?
423
00:17:13,988 --> 00:17:16,290
You gotta pass the
background investigation.
424
00:17:16,391 --> 00:17:17,758
Do you know my priors?
425
00:17:17,892 --> 00:17:18,992
Shoplifting, right?
426
00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:20,327
Yeah, can I have a felony?
427
00:17:20,461 --> 00:17:23,263
No, no crimes
of moral turpitude.
428
00:17:23,364 --> 00:17:24,431
Crime of moral turpitude?
429
00:17:24,566 --> 00:17:25,432
Yeah.
430
00:17:25,567 --> 00:17:26,500
What's something that people
431
00:17:26,634 --> 00:17:28,154
should know about
cops that they don't?
432
00:17:28,203 --> 00:17:30,270
Well, I don't know,
it's a thankless job.
433
00:17:30,438 --> 00:17:31,799
A lot of people
don't realize that.
434
00:17:31,873 --> 00:17:34,041
Everybody loves firemen,
they hate cops.
435
00:17:34,142 --> 00:17:35,542
What about you,
do you love firemen?
436
00:17:35,677 --> 00:17:36,610
Yeah, yeah.
437
00:17:36,744 --> 00:17:38,111
Yeah, I don't do fire.
438
00:17:38,279 --> 00:17:40,180
- I'm scared of fire.
- What are you scared of?
439
00:17:40,281 --> 00:17:42,015
I don't like scary movies.
440
00:17:42,116 --> 00:17:44,585
I remember one time--
you know that movie "Se7en".
441
00:17:44,686 --> 00:17:45,586
I do know that movie.
442
00:17:45,753 --> 00:17:46,587
That's not a scary movie.
443
00:17:46,688 --> 00:17:47,721
That's just like
an action movie.
444
00:17:47,822 --> 00:17:49,456
And I remember,
I watched it, you know,
445
00:17:49,557 --> 00:17:51,892
on my night off
by myself one night.
446
00:17:51,993 --> 00:17:55,128
And afterwards, I had to
take my dog out for a walk
447
00:17:55,230 --> 00:17:56,997
and I had to bring
my gun and a flashlight
448
00:17:57,098 --> 00:17:58,932
And then once I was out
there walking my dog
449
00:17:59,033 --> 00:18:01,168
I was mad at myself that
I didn't bring my big gun.
450
00:18:01,269 --> 00:18:03,003
So on your night off
do you usually
451
00:18:03,137 --> 00:18:06,073
just watch a Brad Pitt
movie by yourself?
452
00:18:06,174 --> 00:18:08,041
That was back in 1995...
453
00:18:08,142 --> 00:18:12,212
- He was hot then, he was hot then.
- Yeah, yeah.
454
00:18:12,313 --> 00:18:14,915
You know who would
play a great fireman?
455
00:18:15,016 --> 00:18:17,451
- Who, Brad Pitt?
- Brad Pitt.
456
00:18:17,552 --> 00:18:18,652
That's right.
457
00:18:18,753 --> 00:18:21,021
How many Asian guys
have you ever arrested?
458
00:18:21,122 --> 00:18:22,222
Mmm...
459
00:18:22,390 --> 00:18:24,391
You never kept track
of the Asians?
460
00:18:24,492 --> 00:18:26,326
No, I like their food.
461
00:18:26,494 --> 00:18:28,595
How often do you
say the "N" word?
462
00:18:28,696 --> 00:18:30,230
I've used it on occasion.
463
00:18:30,331 --> 00:18:32,432
Oh, my God, Kenny.
464
00:18:32,533 --> 00:18:34,968
Denzel...
465
00:18:35,069 --> 00:18:36,270
What about Denzel?
466
00:18:36,371 --> 00:18:39,139
...got an Academy award in "Training
Day" for using that word.
467
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:45,112
Okay, but you were not in that
movie and you are not Denzel.
468
00:18:45,213 --> 00:18:46,146
Exactly.
469
00:18:46,247 --> 00:18:47,748
- Kenny...
- What?
470
00:18:47,849 --> 00:18:48,949
If you were trapped
471
00:18:49,050 --> 00:18:52,219
on a desert island with
one actor, who would it be?
472
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:53,420
You.
473
00:18:53,554 --> 00:18:55,522
No, it has to be a guy.
474
00:18:55,623 --> 00:18:56,657
If it were guy?
475
00:18:56,758 --> 00:18:58,091
Why, why a guy?
476
00:18:58,259 --> 00:18:59,559
It's not-- that's the game.
477
00:18:59,661 --> 00:19:00,894
I don't play games.
478
00:19:00,995 --> 00:19:01,928
Oh, my God.
479
00:19:02,096 --> 00:19:05,565
Have you ever seen
Benjamin Button?
480
00:19:05,700 --> 00:19:06,933
That movie with Brad Pitt?
481
00:19:07,035 --> 00:19:08,635
Oh, I didn't even remember
if Brad Pitt was in it
482
00:19:08,736 --> 00:19:10,203
but you obviously did.
483
00:19:10,305 --> 00:19:13,407
Yeah, isn't that when he's like, uh...
goes from old to young?
484
00:19:13,508 --> 00:19:14,474
Yeah.
485
00:19:14,575 --> 00:19:16,143
Did you-- at the end
of the movie were--
486
00:19:16,277 --> 00:19:17,477
- was that your favorite part?
- Never seen it.
487
00:19:17,578 --> 00:19:18,945
But I seen the "Tree of Life".
488
00:19:22,550 --> 00:19:26,653
Uh, what are your main
jobs as a bodyguard?
489
00:19:26,754 --> 00:19:29,389
Well, I got a couple
main clients now.
490
00:19:29,490 --> 00:19:30,770
I work for "The
Opie and Anthony"
491
00:19:30,825 --> 00:19:33,060
- Radio Show every morning.
- Mm-hmm.
492
00:19:33,227 --> 00:19:35,495
And I travel with a
comedian now, Jim Norton.
493
00:19:35,596 --> 00:19:36,963
Um, what happens if--
494
00:19:37,065 --> 00:19:39,199
if as a bodyguard
you call in sick?
495
00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:41,134
Are you just like, sorry,
good luck out there.
496
00:19:41,235 --> 00:19:46,039
Luckily, I, uh, never get
incapacitated, you know.
497
00:19:46,207 --> 00:19:49,209
And if I get the sniffles
I just deal with it and...
498
00:19:49,377 --> 00:19:50,677
Get the sniffles?
499
00:19:50,845 --> 00:19:51,978
Yeah, and um...
500
00:19:52,146 --> 00:19:53,380
Even when I was a cop, like,
501
00:19:53,548 --> 00:19:57,050
I had a very good
attendance record.
502
00:19:57,185 --> 00:19:59,319
If you're not early,
you're not on time.
503
00:19:59,454 --> 00:20:01,088
You are so awful.
504
00:20:01,189 --> 00:20:03,490
All right, thank you
so much for coming in.
505
00:20:03,591 --> 00:20:04,791
It was an honor.
506
00:20:04,892 --> 00:20:06,126
- If you're on time, you're late.
- Okay.
507
00:20:06,227 --> 00:20:07,561
I wanna-- I wanna get--
508
00:20:07,662 --> 00:20:09,229
I know some people wrote
some questions down.
509
00:20:09,330 --> 00:20:10,651
I would love
to get those up here.
510
00:20:10,665 --> 00:20:12,165
I'm gonna answer some of them.
511
00:20:12,300 --> 00:20:14,534
Let's see...
512
00:20:14,669 --> 00:20:16,703
Are you related
to Senator Chuck Schumer?
513
00:20:16,838 --> 00:20:21,074
Only when I'm arrested
for shoplifting.
514
00:20:23,478 --> 00:20:25,679
Do you have any female
therapists available?
515
00:20:25,780 --> 00:20:27,948
I think I just assumed
they'd be women.
516
00:20:30,818 --> 00:20:33,987
I think I just like
assumed they'd be women?
517
00:20:34,122 --> 00:20:36,623
No women today.
518
00:20:39,193 --> 00:20:41,628
All of our lady therapists
are home with period cramps.
519
00:20:41,729 --> 00:20:43,663
They synchronize their circles.
520
00:20:43,765 --> 00:20:47,868
But you're in for
one heck of a treat.
521
00:20:48,169 --> 00:20:49,503
Their circles?
522
00:20:54,642 --> 00:20:55,242
Cut!
523
00:20:55,276 --> 00:20:56,510
It's so easy.
524
00:20:56,677 --> 00:20:57,677
Mmm, magic.
525
00:21:00,202 --> 00:21:06,202
Sync && corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com
526
00:21:06,252 --> 00:21:10,802
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
38130
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