All language subtitles for Inside Amy Schumer s01e05 v Gang Bang.eng

Hi. I'm Amy Schumer and I'm proud
to say that I'm a feminist.

That's why today,
I'm hosting my very own

gangbang, to prove that
women are not objects.

Look, men, you are not
penetrating our vaginas.

We are engulfing your penises.

Think about it.

I want to thank the good
people at Sea Spray

for providing all
the cranberry juice

I'll be drinking throughout
the day.

I'm just really
proud to be here today,

like so many women who
have come before me.

Sandra Day...

Sotomayor, you know, tons,
too many to list.

Am I a hero?

Yeah, yeah,
I'm probably a hero.

Do I think today will
be a ton of fun?

I'm counting on it.

All right.

All right.

Let's just get this started.

This is a couch from home.

They're very cool about bringing
your own stuff into this space.

I can do this by myself,

I don't need a man to help
me with this.

You think famous
women from history,

you think Amelia Earhart,
says, oh hold on,

I parked the plane,
now I need help getting

this couch out.

Usually my roommate helps me
when I pull this out, but--

She had a test.

And she wasn't totally
into me doing this.

Okay, history in the making.

This is good,
this is comfortable,

this is gonna be fine.

Okay.

All right, gentlemen,
come on in.

Let's see who responded
to the Craigslist ad.

Okay, okay.

Not what I was picturing,
but okay.

There's more
of you, just like--

More keeps coming in.

You know what?

You know what?

This is--

You look tired,
you look tired.

I'm tired.

It's too hot in here,
you know?

I'm feeling like maybe
I could just--

You know,
I mean, I still hate--

I hate that women are
objectified, I hate that,

but I'm feeling like I could
do a little less--

a little less to
prove that point.

I think-- You guys get that
women are equal to men, right?

You get that, right?

I don't know, I guess.

Okay, then what
are we doing here?

The gangbang is
officially canceled.

Goodbye.

Thank you.

So there's no gangbang today?

No, no.

I'm so sorry, I'm sorry.

No, it's--

It's fine, it's cool.

Wait, okay, excuse me,
I'm sorry.

What do you mean, "It's cool"?

Well, I mean, I can't speak
for everybody,

but I mean,
as far as body types go,

I'm more into that girl
Whitney from that show

"Whitney,"
you know, no offense.

No, no offense.

Thanks for being honest.

You're cute,
but you're not Whitney.

So you're saying that
if--if I had stayed there,

you wouldn't have wanted
to do it?

No, I mean, I would have
done it, but, like,

my heart wouldn't
have been that into it.

Have a good afternoon, ma'am.

"Ma'am"?

Wait, hold on, hold
on a second.

Everybody
just chill out, okay?

That was a test.

Gangbang is rescheduled
to right now.

We are still doing it.

It's back on.

Gangbang on.

Everybody, come (bleep) me.

(bleep) me, (bleep) me,
(bleep) me,

(bleep) me, (bleep) me.

Uh, slow down.

We're not pieces of meat.

Don't you find it to
be a little un-feminist

that you only want to
have sex with me

because I'm not that into it?

Sounds like you want to be
objectified, don't you think?

Sync && corrections by XhmikosR
www.addic7ed.com

I don't know, sometimes I think
maybe I'm not that slutty.

There's a couple
of things about me

that make me think
maybe I'm not.

I've never had anal.

That's-- It's true, it's true.

And I'm not, like, against it.

I'm not like,
"No, that's Jesus' hole!"

Or something weird.

I'm not.

I don't have a philosophy
against it, I just--

You know,
I've never been like,

I want something in there,
you know.

I don't do it,
'cause guess what?

It seems like it hurts.

I also don't put
my hand on the stove.

Everybody happy?

Yeah?

Yeah?

Okay.

- I am stuffed.
- Me too.

This was such a good idea,
coming to Supper & a Movie's.

I-- I feel like
I'm in Hollywood.

Yeah, but we're on
vacation in New York.

Winning.

Hey, guys!

So is that a wrap or do we
want to shoot a dessert scene?

Oh, we are so full,
we're like the Klumps.

Okay, well then,
you know what time it is.

It's...

- Movie trivia time.
- No way!

- Yeah!
- No way!

You guys ready to play?

All right, here we go.

In the movie "Forrest Gump,"
when Jenny lets Forrest

touch her, what item of Jenny's

roommates does Forrest
ejaculate on?

I may not be a smart man,
but I know the answer.

Bathrobe, right?

- Yeah!
- Splooge!

Ha ha, you nailed it!

Do you really think that
that's an appropriate trivia

question to ask in front
of children?

Oh, well, I know it was pretty
hard, but I mean, you got it.

Yeah, we did.

Okay, next question.

In the movie "Back to the
Future," who is the mean bully?

I'll give you a hint.

He tries to rape
Marty McFly's mom.

He's like, "You love me,
you just don't know it yet."

Yeah, oh yeah.

Come on, honey,
kids, you remember.

He's trying to rape the mom
but the mom's all upset

'cause she's trying
to sleep with her own son.

Okay, I don't want to hear
about people raping moms.

Oh, I think you
guys will remember.

It's like the hottest
scene in that movie.

I don't-- I don't actually
see what's hot about that.

Oh, you should watch
it again, it's great.

Oh!

It's Biff.

Our son's name is Biff, duh!

What a cool name, buddy.

All right, cool.

One more to go.

In the movie "Up,"
what objects lifted

the house containing
the old man

and the young Asian boy scout?

I know this one.

Trick question, the boy was
not Asian, he was retarded!

Balloons.

The answer is "balloons."

I'll get your check.

Uh, you're bumming us out,
so I think it's best

if we go to
Ground Zero by ourselves.

Jenny, Biff.

Come on.

Sorry your wife
is such a monster.

I'm leaving her.

I'm always here.

Favorite movie, "Matrix."

I'm gonna act out a movie, you
tell me what it's from, okay?

Okay.

I-- I'm not sure
what that is.

That was the pinball scene
from "The Accused."

Did you ever see "Precious"?

- No, what is that?
- It's like a romantic comedy.

- I do watch chick flicks, though.
- You do?

You ever see "27 Dresses"?

I only made it to 15
and I started puking.

Can I lie?

31, 31.

My friends, it's a weird age.

Like, having their first wave
of divorces right now.

It's a weird time.

What do you do first?

You call your
sluttiest friend.

Hi!

That's me, they call
me 'cause they want

to get a drink
all of a sudden.

Yeah, what do you say
when someone's like,

I'm getting a divorce.

Like, is there--

Like, what's the protocol?

I wish there was a card,
like a Hallmark card

that said, like,
"I told you so, bitch."

Or something like,
"What'd you expect,

you met him at a flip
cup tournament."

Do they have that?

Is there a Beanie Baby, you
press its belly, it's like,

"Remember how spunky you were at
your wedding, you (bleep)?"

One of those?

Hi.

You're getting married.

It's such a huge deal.

I can't believe
it's happening to me.

Neither can we.

Psych, you're the best.

You guys are my best friends.

Okay, open your
presents, bitch.

Yes, yes, yes.

Phil!

I use the same kind myself.

Let's just say it
really knows what it's doing.

Okay.

Me next, me next, me next.

This is called the Herminator
and it's the same one I use.

It has an alarm clock
and voice control.

It is the best.

No offense.

None taken.

Actually, speaking
of the best, open mine.

Oh, boom!

Yeah, it's the Good Vibrations
Sweet Sensations,

and this thing
makes my eyes pop out

of my head and become
my vagina.

Um, I just found the battery life
on those things to be dog (bleep).

Um, actually, it's also
a Boingo hotspot

and I know you travel a lot,
so I'm just really considerate.

We haven't opened my gift yet.

It has GPS, you can
download 5,000 songs on it.

Did I mention that you can link
mine up to your Facebook page?

You know what, mine also
functions as a mezuzah,

for when you
and Adam get a place.

Holy cow!

Oh, a mezuzah's just
what Jewish people hang

outside their door
to feel safe.

I know.

You guys are amazing friends.

Yeah, but like,
I'm your best friend

and I just want you
to know that I care

about your vagina more
than I care about my own

and that's like the most
possible you can care,

if that makes sense.

It does make sense.

But I also care about
your vagina a ton.

You know, sometimes
too much, I wonder.

I do wonder that.

You know, I just--
for me, I just really

want your vagina to be on the
brink of exhaustion at all times.

Carly, I haven't
opened yours yet.

All the other gifts were so
amazing, it's embarrassing.

Let's keep it light, Carly.

- Come on!
- Okay.

Now you know I don't make a lot of
money working at the Container Store.

We do know, Carly.

We know, because you've
said it a number of times.

There's nothing we can do about
how much you get paid there.

So I kind of made you something.

What is it?

It's also a vibrator.

That's us sophomore year
at the Grand Canyon.

Oh Carly, this is the best one.

Really?

This is my favorite one.

You guys,
isn't this the best one?

It is nice, colorful.

Here, pass it around.

It took about nine hours from sketching
it out to its full realization.

Oh no.

Oh.

Oh, I guess
the glue's not dry.

I'm sure you just
stick it back on.

Some of the shells
are still sandy.

Just be careful, I guess.

Would you ever get somebody
a vibrator as a gift?

Yes, I think it's
the best gift ever.

My birthday is coming up.

Do you own a vibrator?

I used to, but
it broke in college.

What about you?
Mine didn't break.

Still in use.

Still rocking out,
praise the Lord.

Why do we even have to
go to this bridal shower?

They're gonna be
divorced in two seconds.

Look, I think it'll mean
a lot to your sister.

Oh gosh.

What?

- Tig has cancer.
- Who?

One of the writers on my show.

Oh my God, Amy, I'm so sorry.

You must be so
overwhelmed right now.

No, we're not, like, close.

No, stop it, stop it.

You're clearly in shock.

Here, give me those.

Go home, I'm gonna tell
Kim what happened,

I'm sure she's
gonna understand.

- Yeah.
- Do it.

- Okay, I'm so sad.
- Yeah.

It's a hard time.

Amy, are you coming to my
one-woman burlesque show tonight?

It's the final performance.

Oh, is it?

No, no, I can't, Tig has cancer.

- Oh my God, I had no idea.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, so I'm probably
just gonna be like,

spoon-feeding her, like, load
the blankets on her, just--

God, I don't need to bore you with
the details of my life right now.

What life? I'm basically
living like a saint.

- Does she need anything?
- No.

Do you need anything?

Actually, you know what?

A cookie would be amazing.

Chocolate chip, obviously.
Have them heated up.

Not too hot, that can
really burn your mouth,

and I'm already dealing
with enough with Tig.

Okay, seriously,
warm, not hot.

Okay.

If it's too hot, you're
gonna hear about it.

Okay, break a leg.

Hey, Amy.
The network's here.

They wanted to go through some
notes about the downsy nun sketch.

Oh my God, Amy.

Are you crying?

What's wrong, babe?

This-- this bag.

Is this about Tig?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

It's-- it is totally about Tig.

I was up 'til like 5:00 a.m.

last night, just, like,
reading to her from

the Indigo Girls,
the autobiography, and just--

Did they write
that together or--

So I just have so much
on my plate right now.

I just don't feel
like I can deal

with network notes, you know.

I know, I know,
and here's the thing.

You're not going to, because
here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna go through
these notes for the network.

Meanwhile, you go get
a pedicure on me,

don't even worry--
Thanks, Jessie.

I guess we're just each
other's heroes right now.

Yeah.

Hi.

Do you have the
Indigo Girls autobiography?

Looks like that is not a thing...
and it never will be.

Hey, is this the only
staff pick you have?

Tig.

Oh.
How are you?

Oh, well, aside from
getting my tits ripped off,

- you know, I mean.
- That's awful.

Do you know that book Amy's
been reading to you from?

A book Amy's been
reading to me from?

I haven't seen Amy
in over a month.

What?

But then that's
when she said to me,

"I may be the one with cancer,

but you're definitely
the one going to heaven."

Who's going to heaven?

Hey Tig, hey!

Tig, you look great.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be in
bed or something?

Look at you,
your sad little wig.

It's actually
my real hair, Amy.

What are you doing here?

I wanted to publicly thank you.

Now that I'm all better, Amy has
time to do anything for anyone.

Will you do all
of our podcasts?

She'd love to.

And if anyone
has a web series,

she'd love to do all
of those as well.

Yes!

All right.

I'm gonna be out of town next
week, can you feed my cat?

She'd be honored.

My one-woman show got extended.

The New York Times called it
"a one-woman show in New York."

Amy, you love shows in New York.

I can't, I can't...

...wait!

I can't wait.

Oh, I want to see that show.

I'm gonna go to my office,
can I just have my daily cookie?

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

Oh, this is the perfect
temperature for a cookie.

Thanks.

How many of you have podcasts?

We each have two.

Does anybody at
work ever, like,

ask you to donate to charity
or do charity work?

Yes.

I donate clothes and everything.

Oh yeah.

I do charity work, but I just consider
sleeping with short guys mine.

So Sonya, you are a dominatrix.

- I am.
- How did you get into it?

How did you start being a dom?

Well, I saw an ad one day where
it said, "Dominatrixes wanted,"

and I don't know, but
just a light went on

and I was like,
that sounds like fun.

What's your outfit you wear?

I wear, like a cat suit or I'll
wear, like, a latex mini-dress.

Isn't that hard
to get on and off?

No, because what you do
is you lube yourself first.

- You put the--
- With what?

With-- can I say
the brand name?

Yeah, they're probably
a sponsor for this show.

Do you have a signature thing?

Yeah, I like to
do golden showers.

You pee on them.

- I pee on them, yes.
- Okay.

What if you don't have to go?

- I always have to go.
- Really?

I mean, I drink lots of water,
so I'm always ready to, like--

You're ready to go.

What are you into now?

I like to confuse
and "conflummox."

Is that definitely a word?

"Conflummox"?

- Wendy Williams uses it.
- Oh, well, then no.

What is the weirdest thing
a guy has ever said to you?

There are guys who
want to go, they're like,

oh, I want you to take me out

and put a leash on my
dick and take me to the mall

and then just run through my
credit card, which, yeah,

I'll run through your
credit card if you want, but...

That sounds good,
that part of it sounds good.

But I'm not gonna, like, lead
you around for the public.

I've been to several
malls this year and

I've always been happy
to not see a guy being led

around with a leash
by his dick.

And they always think somebody
wants to see their dick.

Yeah, why do guys think everybody
wants to see their dick?

I have--
I have no clue.

What's just, like, the weirdest
request you've ever had?

I had a guy who asked
me to castrate him.

He wanted me to
hang him by his sissy

white neck and cut
his balls off.

Actually cut off his balls?

Mm-hmm.

How did it make you feel
when he asked you to do that?

I reasoned with him, I'm like,
why would you want me to do that?

So now, if you had
this fantasy,

and I cut them off
and you have the urge again,

what are you gonna do then?

'Cause you've
got no balls now.

Yeah, like it'll just have
to be this one great time.

Right, it's just
gonna be this one--

It's like that Daffy Duck
where he does

that big production
and then he blows up.

It's not exactly like that,
but there--

- I do see the similarities.
- Yeah.

Your family knows that you--

Everybody knows, except my dad.

Hi Dad, I'm a dominatrix.

My dad thinks I'm a clown.

What's something that
your clients have introduced

you to that you've incorporated
into your own life?

Oh, a vibrator, hands-down.

- Really?
- Oh yes.

What kind of vibrator?

It's a Hitachi, it's that--

Wait, hold on.

Does-- Can I have a pen?

Nobody's afraid of
an orgasm on this set.

That's right.

What's the most
a client ever gave?

Oh, you're trying to get me
in trouble with the IRS.

Oh, no, I really
don't think that

they're gonna watch this show.

- You'd be surprised.
- Really?

The most expensive
thing a client

has ever gotten me is a house.

I will (bleep) on anyone
in this room right now

for just a ranch in Florida.

Oh man, this is kind
of disappointing.

This question is, "How many
fingers am I holding up?"

But I just, like,
read, "How many fingers,"

and I was like, I've got
this, I've got this.

And I really did not mean to
sound preachy about anal, like,

I've just never-- A penis.

Have I had fingers up there?

Yes, I've been worn
like a glove, trust me.

Everybody (bleep) me.

Guys, can you hear me?

I'm saying, everybody
come (bleep) me.

You guys?

What about-- no?

I can't see everybody
in the back.

Are they willing
to come (bleep) me?

Is anybody still willing
to (bleep) me?

Okay?

Will you guys just watch
and I'll (bleep) myself?

So easy.

Mmm, magic.

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