All language subtitles for Champaign ILL s01e10 111I Wouldnt Just Yet.eng

(string music playing)

Oh, sorry, excuse me.
Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Thank you, thank you.

Hey, uh, hey, uh, Darren?

Would it be okay
if I l-left after this?

I-I've got, I really got to go
meet my friends.

Are you kidding me? On opening
night of "Bruce Almighty"?

Please, my friends said
they have big news.

Oh, your friends have big news?

Well, why didn't you
just say so?

Of course you can go.

-Thank you.
-As soon as the 10:40

Something's Gotta Give
lets out.

Keep cleaning.

Yes, sir.

Fuck!

(exhales)
No, it's fine.

Fuck!

Oh, no. Fuck!

Fuck.

(indistinct chatter)

Guys! Hey, guys! Fuck.

(engine starting)

(whoops)

(Alf and Ronnie laughing)

The fuck, man?
Y'all ever been high before?

ZACK:
Okay, guys, I'm here.

-What's the big news?
-Whoa, man. Where you been?

Work, Louis.
Some of us have to work.

I've been biking around looking
for you guys for, like, an hour.

-Should've called us, man.
-My phone died, dipshit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Did you guys smoke without me?

(stifled laughter)

-That was my weed!
-Boy, that shit was good, too.

God, I hate it
when you pull this shit!

-Those are my fries.
-What the fuck?

Dawg, dawg, dawg, we're sorry.

But just wait
until you hear this news.

-You see, I...
-Oh, yeah, yeah, your big fucking news.

Goodie. What is it? What's up?

Well, you know those mixtapes
I've been making, right?

(coughing, grunting)

-Hi.
-LOU: Um...

Well, I finally got
a chance to burn you a CD,

-so you can listen to them.
-Yep.

Uh, at your house or
on the go or wherever.

They actually make
for some really good gifts.

-Stocking stuffers. Kwanza.
-Hanukkah.

-That's it?
That-that's the big news? -Oh, yeah. That's the big news.

-RONNIE: Yep, that's it.
-Yes, sir.

-(clears throat)
-'Cause it seems like bullshit.

-No way, man.
No bullshit-shit here. -Straight truth, homie.

-Thought you'd be a little more
excited, but I guess not. -Okay, no, no.

I-I'm sorry that I'm not
generally in a good mood.

It's j-- you guys
are going off to college

and I'm-I'm stuck here,
going to Oakton

and sopping up liquid cheese
in a fucking movie theater.

Hey, man,
you're in show business.

-That's awesome.
-LOU: Yeah, brodie.

You gonna blow up for real.
Now get the fuck out of my way.

I mean, that is how
Tarantino started.

He worked in
a fucking movie store,

and I know you guys
are mocking me.

(laughter)

Not so fast, kid.

You've got some french fries
to clean up.

Piece of shit.

Chevalier has got
a bad temper on him, man.

-(chuckles)
-He's kind of a maniac.

-He was like a...
-(chuckles)

I'm glad we didn't invite him
to go on tour with us.

Good call to keep it with
just the homies on this one.

LOU: Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Hey, how did we even start

hanging around him
in the first place?

ALF:
I thought he was Ron's friend.

(foot tapping)

(clears throat)

I don't remember that at all.

That's the thing,
I remember that night.

I just don't remember
that part of it.

Well, it happened.

Because believe me,
I would never forget the night

that I missed the last plane
out of Shitsville.

It's why I have been collecting
all of this IL Lou memorabilia.

F... To make up for all the
memories that I was missing.

Now the only thing missing

from my collection? You two.

Oh, my God,
are you gonna taxidermy us?

No, I just want
to party with you guys.

For one night.
Like you used to do with Lou.

Drugs and the, and the music
and the having fun.

-Oh, okay.
-Oh, okay. Yeah. No.

You know, I've never
even tried cocaine.

Can you believe that bullshit?

But I got some.
Here, look.

Show me how to use this.
How do I do it?

Actually, uh,
I'm in recovery right now.

M-My addiction
hurt a lot of people.

-Just...
-Let's line it up.

Yes. Um, let's party, please!

And after we party,
we can have the ashes?

-And we're free to go?
-Totally. Yes.

Alexa, play "Jet Lag!"

(Jet Lagbegins playing)

Yeah

I've been high

Well, I

I've been high for days
with the red-eye

Miami to Dubai

Dropping 30K a night

I ain't running late,
I'm on Swiss time

It's getting rich time
Yeah, yeah

And you can thank
my jet lag

My hi-res,
you can thank my jet lag

We living up first class,
you can thank my jet lag

There's so much money
over here

You can thank my jet lag,
you can thank my jet lag

Yo

30,000 feet up in the air

And we still ain't even
left the runway

Alf and Ronnie got the gas
on us, so you know we smoking

On the damn plane,
champagne, big bottles

Fast life, full throttle

All these hos
want to settle down

But I'm here now
and I'm gone tomorrow

Like, woo! Chi-Town's own

Pull up on me,
it's a real problem

I know I don't hear you
talking shit

'Cause your girl look like
Dennis Rodman, whoa

Yay, sorry to say

Yay, I'm on my way
to chalet, yay

With a little mami
I met in Spain, ay...

RONNIE:
You know, it's all kind of

coming back to me now,
Chevalier.

You were a cuckoo head
from the jump, huh?

Yeah, I remember you
freaking out, like, a lot

when we were kids.

-Yeah, right.
-Didn't you punt a cat once?

Mr. Meowgi fucking scratched me,
and it was fourth and long!

Sorry about that.

Ha. There was a time
in my adolescence

that I did struggle
with a little something

commonly referred to as
intermittent explosive disorder.

-Yeah, no surprise there.
-Is that the actual name of it?

And once they were
able to identify it,

then I was able to get
on the path to recovery.

You're fully recovered?

'Cause not to
split hairs here,

but you are currently
pointing a gun at us.

Which seems a tad explosive.

Touché.
(laughs)

I was pointing it right at you.

I spent a lot of my, uh,

teens and 20s
just working on myself.

Started with traditional
therapy, Dr. Stalmokus.

And, uh, you know what?
After three short months,

he molested me,
made things much worse.

-Aye, yai, yai.
-Then I went to, uh, Dr. Gutterman,

who also molested me.

-Gah, fool me once.
-And then I tried

shock therapy, which just
(clicks tongue) didn't take.

Hypnosis, which was
a waste of time.

Uh, medication
made me psychotic.

Anti-psychotics made me
more psychotic.

I swear to fuck,
it wasn't until I was born again

that I really started to heal.

Ran the whole gamut,
ended at the good book.

Mm-hmm. Look at God.
Won't he do it?

Oh, not religion. It was a...

therapeutic simulation
of actual birth.

Uh, like, like, out of a vagina?

Mm-hmm. You know, like, um,

"Double Dare,"
with the big nose?

But this was like, uh,

you know, a massive anatomically
correct latex vagina.

-Ah.
-And after spending nine months living in that simulated womb,

I will tell you what,
sliding out of that thing

was like
the ultimate reset button.

I can only imagine.

-Then I went back
to Dr. Gutterman. -ALF: I'm sorry.

-The doctor that molested you?
-You got to be able

to separate the art
from the artist.

The guy knows his shit.

And it was him who helped me
to realize that many

of my many, many,
many, many, many problems

were due to you guys.

-Us?
-Moi?

ALF:
You know what? Uh...

I think I'm gonna
get myself a Scotch.

-You want a Scotch?
You want a Scotch? -I would l-love a Scotch.

-You should make one.
-I'm gonna make three Scotches.

-Yeah.
-ZACK: You guys, just...

traveled around the world
with Lou, making memories,

having the time of your life.

Meanwhile, I was stuck here,
working in a boring office,

starting a boring family,
living in a boring suburb,

knowing exactly what
I was missing the whole time.

Honestly? It wasn't that great.

I mean, all the free stuff?
I'd rather buy it.

ALF:
Yeah. All the free sex?

I'd rather pay for it.

Headlining Coachella,

now that I'm going
through it again? Overrated.

Halftime at the Super Bowl?
Overrated.

Chanting overrated
from our floor seats

at the Laker playoff games
next to the guy

that owns the Lebowski house?

Was, well, actually amazing.

But going with Lou

was the biggest mistake
of our lives.

You have what we want:
a normal life.

Hey!

Where the fuck do you
think you're going?

Oh, uh, I was just checking out
this, uh, door handle here.

Oh, man, secure as fuck. Nice.

Okay.

Dr. Gutterman would be very
disappointed in you right now

slash turned on.

It can't be cured.

It just lays dormant,

which it did for years

until I in-line skated
past you assholes.

You fucking guys

had 15 years
of nonstop good times

and you can't give
your old pal one fucking night?

All right, now, before
that textbook explosiveness

rears its ugly head,

I do feel
I have to tell you

though the last decade
and a half was fucking sick,

it kind of left us

royally damaged.

ALF:
Yeah, yeah, he's right.

Bro, the stuff I masturbate to
is nothing short of illegal.

I am a drug addict,
through and through.

ALF:
I need an IP scrambler

to get to the dark
corners of the Web

to find the stuff
that turns my crank.

I need a Robert-Downey-Jr.
style sober handler.

Thanks for the rippies,
by the way.

I mean, I'm the worst.

ALF: You see, Zack?

You know exactly how this
15-year dream run ends.

Doesn't end well!

Want to know where it ends?

Being held at gunpoint
by some rage monster...

I am not a rage monster!

I'm just coked out!

Or coked up!
Whatever the fuck it is!

You're the pathetic
ones, anyway.

You're a drug-fiend scumbag
and a disgusting sex monster!

-Yes, you're exactly right, yes!
-Okay, we just admitted it.

We're scumbags, okay?!
Just don't point a gun at me.

Yeah, and if I got left behind
by a pair of scumbags,

what's that say about me?

What?

Maybe it's my turn
to leave you behind.

-Oh, shit.
-No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

-Oh, fuck!
-No!

ALF:
Oh, my God, Ronnie. Ronnie?

Breakfast is served, m'boo.

Oh, um, sorry.

I had half a bar I found on the
floor while I was breastfeeding.

I didn't know
you were cooking.

But you eat.

-Oh. Oh, cool.
-Yeah.

Oh, I just read this thing on,
uh, Curbed

about this studio
in Manhattan

that just sold
for $2.2 million.

Can you believe that?

Well, you're paying
for the city.

Totally.

You okay?

Do we have anything in common?

Oh, yeah, of course.

Like what?

Like loads of stuff.

Okay, name one.

We're both, like,
big-time Pixar people.

Something that matters.

"That matters.
That matters."

Why are you...
are you joking?

No, Alf.

And when you ran out on me
the other morning,

during foreplay,

because your friend barged in
and uttered one word

that forced you to repay
him for a drug rap,

and you didn't contact me
for three days

until you came back
covered in his blood.

You know, it got me wondering
if this is, in fact,

a-actually the perfect fit for
me and my baby moving forward.

And that's fair and,
you know, I'll be honest,

I was sure there was gonna be
a larger conversation about this

and I tell you I am completely
sorry for all that mess.

Okay?

-(under breath): Okay.
-I know you are, baby.

I mean, I do.

And I'm really sorry
about Ronnie.

You know? I-I-I didn't want
to do this right now.

But it all made me look at
our relationship and, you know,

I'm not really sure
what it is exactly.

What do you mean?

There was a lot of noise
when we got together, Alf.

You know, our past,
me being pregnant,

Lou's death.

You were traumatized

and I was a way
to literally erase your past,

fix all your mistakes
in one move.

And I don't know, maybe
I wanted that, too,

because I was still hurting
from high school.

Or maybe I was just pregnant
and working a ton

and needed help.

Now, either way,
you know,

I will never forget everything
you did for me, Alf.

What is happening right now?

I want you to ask
yourself something.

No, for real.

Like, would you and I
right now be together

if it wasn't for
those other reasons?

Because none
of those reasons

is a reason to stay
together forever.

But I love you.

I love you, too,
and I always will.

Hey, Dad, so sorry
I've been MIA.

Dad?

Hey, son.

So glad you're here.

Big things afoot.

I'm finally moving
to Santa Fe.

I'm subletting a sweet
little two bedroom

above a turquoise shop
from a couple of lesbians.

The sky is the limit.

Oh, my God, I'm-I'm...
I'm-I'm so sorry about Ronnie.

You okay?

Yeah, I think so.

Are you okay?

I mean, did you have a little
bit of a relapse, maybe?

(sighs)

Total bender.

It got real dark.

I remember trying to join
Trump Steaks but I couldn't

because the phone I was using
was actually a churro.

Hey, it happens, right?

Dad, I'm so sorry I wasn't here
to keep you on the wagon.

Oh, bull.
It was good for me.

I mean, not physically,
of course.

I got so much gout

my big toe Klumped
out of my Merrells.

Sounds like it stings.

But somewhere
between my last

fistful of marshmallow fluff and
the hospital to get stitches

for accidentally biting
a chunk out of my fist,

I had an epiphany.

I got my fat ass
to a meeting, myself,

and now I'm ready
to move on with my life.

You are?

You got me
on the wagon, Alf,

but if I'm gonna stay there,
it's got to be on me

and my new
emotional support dog

Arfonso. Say hi
to your brother.

-'Sup, dog?
-He's amazing.

Trained to bark like hell if
I try to order any junk food.

Watch this.

-Shake Shack.
-(barks)

(Lafonso laughs)

But seriously, son,
thank you.

Thank you for giving me
my life back.

-Which is why...
-(keys jangle)

I want to give you these.

For you and Courtney
and Jasmine

and maybe a few of your own.

You're giving me the house?

What's the matter?

She ended it.

Oh, son, I'm sorry.

But can I give you
a little advice?

You've got to stand up
for what you want in this life

or you'll wind up wasting it

like I've done
for too many years.

Don't take no
for an answer.

I'm listening.

Nothing good is ever
just handed to you.

You've got to take it.

All right, Daddy.

You have to stand up
and fight like heck for it.

Is that Chadwick Boseman
in a fat suit?

Because this is some
Thurgood Marshall, James Brown,

Jackie Robinson and I can only
assume one day Barack Obama

bio pic type shit.

Now you get your ass out there

and you fight for that life
that you want.

Hell yes!

-Love you, Dad.
-(laughs)

Oh, hot dog.

(barks)

-Oh, shut up.
-(barks)

SHAYNA:
He's waking up.

He's waking up,
he's waking up!

My brave boy.

Hey. You're a hero, kiddo.

Am I gonna be okay?

SHAYNA:
Basically.

Sh'ma Yisrael...

Uh, you may not want
to sh'ma just yet.

Yeah, these, uh, groin surgeries
are a little tricky.

Ron, there's been
some complications.

Complications?

Is everything okay
with my schmeckle?

Probably.

Terrific.

Adonai Eloheinu

Adon...

-What's wrong?
-BURT: Son.

The testicle is a very
delicate organ,

easily ruptured.

Something bad happen
to my nuts?

Nothing that a
saline-filled prosthesis

in an egg-shaped silicone
elastomer shell...

Prosthesticle.

...can't easily
replace.

I lost a ball?

Before the operation,
but then

during the operation,

the aforementioned
complications...

-I lost both balls?
-GAYLE: But-but-but,

the good news is,
your father and I agreed

that you'd want
to have the option

to have children
of your own someday,

so we were able to...

Were able to obtain
a semen specimen.

Did I jerk off
in a cup in the ER?

I feel like I would've
remembered that.

GAYLE: Well, you were
on heavy pain meds,

and you were in and out
of consciousness...

I jerked you off
in a cup.

What?!

It was no Jeep Liberty,
but, boy, did you get there.

(crying)

(laughs)

(laughter)

Yeah, you think you've
hit rock bottom,

and then you find out
you've lost

a considerable amount of your
genitals, and... (chuckles)

I want to thank you.

All of you.

For being there for me,
for being here,

when all I've done is let
every single one of you down.

I'm still kicking around
this big blue marble,

and to me, that means that...

I've been given a second chance.

I'm not gonna squander it.

Steve,

we're gonna build
a real relationship,

for my mom's sake.

Alana,

as a show of gratitude
for yanking

my future children
into the world,

I'd like to call you Mom,

despite the
inherent weirdness

in both that sentence
and in general.

Dad,

I forgive you for
ratting me out to the Feds.

You've thought of your
well-being one time over mine

in the last 30 years,

but that's one more time
than I've thought about yours.

I'd like to call that even.

And maybe someday,

we'll be more than even.

Maybe someday we'll be friends.

-Mom.
-Yes.

You paid a heavy price
when I was forced to move home,

the lives of your beloved
Taffy 1 and Taffy 2.

And as someone who's gone
through something similar--

RIP Lou--

I know that there's
nothing I can do

to bring those
dead dogs back,

but I promise I am
gonna spoil Taffy Tres

more rotten than the
Tomatometer for "Gotti."

All right, I'm getting real
tired; I think I did everybody,

-so if I could
get some rest now. -No.

-(gasps) Shayna.
-(chuckles)

-My Shayna punim.
-(chuckles)

I didn't even
see you there.

You must've just arrived.

-No. I was the first one here.
-Shayna,

if I have to, I'm gonna live
like a goddamn homeless monk

until every cent of damage
I owe you is repaid.

Every minute that I'm
out on bond until my trial,

I'll work three jobs,

even if they're in the...
service industry,

'cause nothing
is gonna stop me

from rebuilding this bond
between you and I.

Craigory.

Ronald. You gave us
a real scare there, buddy.

I want to thank you
for being here,

and I want to thank you
for bailing me out,

and I want
to apologize

for all the heinous shit
I did to you

and all the horrible stuff
I said to you and about you.

Thank you. It means a lot.

You know, while I gotcha,
uh, I know you said

you wouldn't sign over
Lou's hologram rights...

This again?

...because you were
concerned that

they would make the hologram

do something crazy
that Lou would hate,

and I thought about it,
and I agree with you.

But what if you went
on tour with it?

Think of it as quality control.

The hologram's going
all over the world.

You'd be compensated, of course,
everything first class,

a healthy per diem, et cetera.

Who better to protect
and guide Lou's legacy

than his best friend?

So what do you say?

How 'bout one more tour
with Il Lou the Sickest?

You vulture.

You monster.

You sack of shit.

You think I would
betray my family?

And betray my best friend's
dying wish?

Just to be the crew
of some hologram?

I'm in.

I was in at "Gave us
quite a scare there, pal."

I was in
even earlier.

(both laugh)

So, driver, we have
one more stop to make

before we
hit the road.

And please avoid
any potholes.

I've just had both
testicles removed.

ALF:
Back where it all began.

You're gonna call me crazy.

Out of all the shit
we've done,

my happiest memories
were right here.

Yeah, you're
fucking crazy.

Yeah, I know. I was trying to
sell myself on it as I said it,

but fucking no go.
Fucking hate this place.

(chuckles)

I mean, that's kind of what
made Lou awesome, right?

Didn't matter
where we were.

As long as he was there,
it was fun.

Yeah.

You ready?

Now, careful with our boy.

We spent all this time looking
for the perfect resting spot.

Who would've thought
it was inside us all along.

Yeah.

And to that end, are you ready?

Hello, Lou.

Aye, yai, yo!

Ooh! (coughing)

-Oh, Lou, you burn so good!
-Ah!

-(gags, coughs)
-Ah, what a special tribute.

Ugh, yeah, I'm really glad
we did this.

This is an
honorable moment.

RONNIE: I mean, show me
the other best friends

that would chop up their boy
and do snooters of them.

-Ugh.
-I'm not sure if we did this to get fucked up, but...

it is definitely
paying dividends.

Yeah, man,
I'm feeling it.

I'm feeling like
Lou's confidence,

you know what I mean?

(horn honking)

CRAIG: Let's go!
Plane leaves in 30!

-Yeah, Craig, all right!
-Shit, man!

ALF: Clearly we're in the
middle of a moment.

It's a private plane,
it's gonna leave

when we get there.

-Uh-oh.
-No, I got it. I'm good.

-Okay.
-I'm good. Don't... (stammers)

-I don't need any help.
-I'm-a just grab Lou.

Yeah, don't tell me
what I can't do.

-Oh, wow.
-You yourself are a fucking Wonder Woman, man.

Believe and achieve.

Am I leaking
from my sack?

Yeah, man.

never guess and never know

Losing everything you own

But just before
you hit the red

Your best ideas
hit your head

The ones you love
will call you back

The regulars
will treat you bad

A bolt of lightning
from the blue

Yeah

Now it's really clear to you

Things

May not work out

How you thought

Things may not work out

How you thought

Maybe it is good,
maybe it is bad

Either way the only truth
we have, is

Things may not work out

How you thought

Use a coin to scratch away

Your desperation on display

A different era
starts to show

So different friends
will come and go

The one you love
will hurt you bad

But a stranger has your back

It's sunny when it
starts to snow

Yeah

And that is when
you really know.

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