Original subtitles

(string music playing)

Oh, sorry, excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Thank you, thank you.

Hey, uh, hey, uh, Darren?

Would it be okay if I l-left after this?

I-I've got, I really got to go meet my friends.

Are you kidding me? On opening night of "Bruce Almighty"?

Please, my friends said they have big news.

Oh, your friends have big news?

Well, why didn't you just say so?

Of course you can go.

-Thank you. -As soon as the 10:40

Something's Gotta Give lets out.

Keep cleaning.

Yes, sir.

Fuck!

(exhales) No, it's fine.

Fuck!

Oh, no. Fuck!

Fuck.

(indistinct chatter)

Guys! Hey, guys! Fuck.

(engine starting)

(whoops)

(Alf and Ronnie laughing)

The fuck, man? Y'all ever been high before?

ZACK: Okay, guys, I'm here.

-What's the big news? -Whoa, man. Where you been?

Work, Louis. Some of us have to work.

I've been biking around looking for you guys for, like, an hour.

-Should've called us, man. -My phone died, dipshit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Did you guys smoke without me?

(stifled laughter)

-That was my weed! -Boy, that shit was good, too.

God, I hate it when you pull this shit!

-Those are my fries. -What the fuck?

Dawg, dawg, dawg, we're sorry.

But just wait until you hear this news.

-You see, I... -Oh, yeah, yeah, your big fucking news.

Goodie. What is it? What's up?

Well, you know those mixtapes I've been making, right?

(coughing, grunting)

-Hi. -LOU: Um...

Well, I finally got a chance to burn you a CD,

-so you can listen to them. -Yep.

Uh, at your house or on the go or wherever.

They actually make for some really good gifts.

-Stocking stuffers. Kwanza. -Hanukkah.

-That's it? That-that's the big news? -Oh, yeah. That's the big news.

-RONNIE: Yep, that's it. -Yes, sir.

-(clears throat) -'Cause it seems like bullshit.

-No way, man. No bullshit-shit here. -Straight truth, homie.

-Thought you'd be a little more excited, but I guess not. -Okay, no, no.

I-I'm sorry that I'm not generally in a good mood.

It's j-- you guys are going off to college

and I'm-I'm stuck here, going to Oakton

and sopping up liquid cheese in a fucking movie theater.

Hey, man, you're in show business.

-That's awesome. -LOU: Yeah, brodie.

You gonna blow up for real. Now get the fuck out of my way.

I mean, that is how Tarantino started.

He worked in a fucking movie store,

and I know you guys are mocking me.

(laughter)

Not so fast, kid.

You've got some french fries to clean up.

Piece of shit.

Chevalier has got a bad temper on him, man.

-(chuckles) -He's kind of a maniac.

-He was like a... -(chuckles)

I'm glad we didn't invite him to go on tour with us.

Good call to keep it with just the homies on this one.

LOU: Uh-huh, uh-huh. Hey, how did we even start

hanging around him in the first place?

ALF: I thought he was Ron's friend.

(foot tapping)

(clears throat)

I don't remember that at all.

That's the thing, I remember that night.

I just don't remember that part of it.

Well, it happened.

Because believe me, I would never forget the night

that I missed the last plane out of Shitsville.

It's why I have been collecting all of this IL Lou memorabilia.

F... To make up for all the memories that I was missing.

Now the only thing missing

from my collection? You two.

Oh, my God, are you gonna taxidermy us?

No, I just want to party with you guys.

For one night. Like you used to do with Lou.

Drugs and the, and the music and the having fun.

-Oh, okay. -Oh, okay. Yeah. No.

You know, I've never even tried cocaine.

Can you believe that bullshit?

But I got some. Here, look.

Show me how to use this. How do I do it?

Actually, uh, I'm in recovery right now.

M-My addiction hurt a lot of people.

-Just... -Let's line it up.

Yes. Um, let's party, please!

And after we party, we can have the ashes?

-And we're free to go? -Totally. Yes.

Alexa, play "Jet Lag!"

(Jet Lagbegins playing)

Yeah

I've been high

Well, I

I've been high for days with the red-eye

Miami to Dubai

Dropping 30K a night

I ain't running late, I'm on Swiss time

It's getting rich time Yeah, yeah

And you can thank my jet lag

My hi-res, you can thank my jet lag

We living up first class, you can thank my jet lag

There's so much money over here

You can thank my jet lag, you can thank my jet lag

Yo

30,000 feet up in the air

And we still ain't even left the runway

Alf and Ronnie got the gas on us, so you know we smoking

On the damn plane, champagne, big bottles

Fast life, full throttle

All these hos want to settle down

But I'm here now and I'm gone tomorrow

Like, woo! Chi-Town's own

Pull up on me, it's a real problem

I know I don't hear you talking shit

'Cause your girl look like Dennis Rodman, whoa

Yay, sorry to say

Yay, I'm on my way to chalet, yay

With a little mami I met in Spain, ay...

RONNIE: You know, it's all kind of

coming back to me now, Chevalier.

You were a cuckoo head from the jump, huh?

Yeah, I remember you freaking out, like, a lot

when we were kids.

-Yeah, right. -Didn't you punt a cat once?

Mr. Meowgi fucking scratched me, and it was fourth and long!

Sorry about that.

Ha. There was a time in my adolescence

that I did struggle with a little something

commonly referred to as intermittent explosive disorder.

-Yeah, no surprise there. -Is that the actual name of it?

And once they were able to identify it,

then I was able to get on the path to recovery.

You're fully recovered?

'Cause not to split hairs here,

but you are currently pointing a gun at us.

Which seems a tad explosive.

Touché. (laughs)

I was pointing it right at you.

I spent a lot of my, uh,

teens and 20s just working on myself.

Started with traditional therapy, Dr. Stalmokus.

And, uh, you know what? After three short months,

he molested me, made things much worse.

-Aye, yai, yai. -Then I went to, uh, Dr. Gutterman,

who also molested me.

-Gah, fool me once. -And then I tried

shock therapy, which just (clicks tongue) didn't take.

Hypnosis, which was a waste of time.

Uh, medication made me psychotic.

Anti-psychotics made me more psychotic.

I swear to fuck, it wasn't until I was born again

that I really started to heal.

Ran the whole gamut, ended at the good book.

Mm-hmm. Look at God. Won't he do it?

Oh, not religion. It was a...

therapeutic simulation of actual birth.

Uh, like, like, out of a vagina?

Mm-hmm. You know, like, um,

"Double Dare," with the big nose?

But this was like, uh,

you know, a massive anatomically correct latex vagina.

-Ah. -And after spending nine months living in that simulated womb,

I will tell you what, sliding out of that thing

was like the ultimate reset button.

I can only imagine.

-Then I went back to Dr. Gutterman. -ALF: I'm sorry.

-The doctor that molested you? -You got to be able

to separate the art from the artist.

The guy knows his shit.

And it was him who helped me to realize that many

of my many, many, many, many, many problems

were due to you guys.

-Us? -Moi?

ALF: You know what? Uh...

I think I'm gonna get myself a Scotch.

-You want a Scotch? You want a Scotch? -I would l-love a Scotch.

-You should make one. -I'm gonna make three Scotches.

-Yeah. -ZACK: You guys, just...

traveled around the world with Lou, making memories,

having the time of your life.

Meanwhile, I was stuck here, working in a boring office,

starting a boring family, living in a boring suburb,

knowing exactly what I was missing the whole time.

Honestly? It wasn't that great.

I mean, all the free stuff? I'd rather buy it.

ALF: Yeah. All the free sex?

I'd rather pay for it.

Headlining Coachella,

now that I'm going through it again? Overrated.

Halftime at the Super Bowl? Overrated.

Chanting overrated from our floor seats

at the Laker playoff games next to the guy

that owns the Lebowski house?

Was, well, actually amazing.

But going with Lou

was the biggest mistake of our lives.

You have what we want: a normal life.

Hey!

Where the fuck do you think you're going?

Oh, uh, I was just checking out this, uh, door handle here.

Oh, man, secure as fuck. Nice.

Okay.

Dr. Gutterman would be very disappointed in you right now

slash turned on.

It can't be cured.

It just lays dormant,

which it did for years

until I in-line skated past you assholes.

You fucking guys

had 15 years of nonstop good times

and you can't give your old pal one fucking night?

All right, now, before that textbook explosiveness

rears its ugly head,

I do feel I have to tell you

though the last decade and a half was fucking sick,

it kind of left us

royally damaged.

ALF: Yeah, yeah, he's right.

Bro, the stuff I masturbate to is nothing short of illegal.

I am a drug addict, through and through.

ALF: I need an IP scrambler

to get to the dark corners of the Web

to find the stuff that turns my crank.

I need a Robert-Downey-Jr. style sober handler.

Thanks for the rippies, by the way.

I mean, I'm the worst.

ALF: You see, Zack?

You know exactly how this 15-year dream run ends.

Doesn't end well!

Want to know where it ends?

Being held at gunpoint by some rage monster...

I am not a rage monster!

I'm just coked out!

Or coked up! Whatever the fuck it is!

You're the pathetic ones, anyway.

You're a drug-fiend scumbag and a disgusting sex monster!

-Yes, you're exactly right, yes! -Okay, we just admitted it.

We're scumbags, okay?! Just don't point a gun at me.

Yeah, and if I got left behind by a pair of scumbags,

what's that say about me?

What?

Maybe it's my turn to leave you behind.

-Oh, shit. -No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

-Oh, fuck! -No!

ALF: Oh, my God, Ronnie. Ronnie?

Breakfast is served, m'boo.

Oh, um, sorry.

I had half a bar I found on the floor while I was breastfeeding.

I didn't know you were cooking.

But you eat.

-Oh. Oh, cool. -Yeah.

Oh, I just read this thing on, uh, Curbed

about this studio in Manhattan

that just sold for $2.2 million.

Can you believe that?

Well, you're paying for the city.

Totally.

You okay?

Do we have anything in common?

Oh, yeah, of course.

Like what?

Like loads of stuff.

Okay, name one.

We're both, like, big-time Pixar people.

Something that matters.

"That matters. That matters."

Why are you... are you joking?

No, Alf.

And when you ran out on me the other morning,

during foreplay,

because your friend barged in and uttered one word

that forced you to repay him for a drug rap,

and you didn't contact me for three days

until you came back covered in his blood.

You know, it got me wondering if this is, in fact,

a-actually the perfect fit for me and my baby moving forward.

And that's fair and, you know, I'll be honest,

I was sure there was gonna be a larger conversation about this

and I tell you I am completely sorry for all that mess.

Okay?

-(under breath): Okay. -I know you are, baby.

I mean, I do.

And I'm really sorry about Ronnie.

You know? I-I-I didn't want to do this right now.

But it all made me look at our relationship and, you know,

I'm not really sure what it is exactly.

What do you mean?

There was a lot of noise when we got together, Alf.

You know, our past, me being pregnant,

Lou's death.

You were traumatized

and I was a way to literally erase your past,

fix all your mistakes in one move.

And I don't know, maybe I wanted that, too,

because I was still hurting from high school.

Or maybe I was just pregnant and working a ton

and needed help.

Now, either way, you know,

I will never forget everything you did for me, Alf.

What is happening right now?

I want you to ask yourself something.

No, for real.

Like, would you and I right now be together

if it wasn't for those other reasons?

Because none of those reasons

is a reason to stay together forever.

But I love you.

I love you, too, and I always will.

Hey, Dad, so sorry I've been MIA.

Dad?

Hey, son.

So glad you're here.

Big things afoot.

I'm finally moving to Santa Fe.

I'm subletting a sweet little two bedroom

above a turquoise shop from a couple of lesbians.

The sky is the limit.

Oh, my God, I'm-I'm... I'm-I'm so sorry about Ronnie.

You okay?

Yeah, I think so.

Are you okay?

I mean, did you have a little bit of a relapse, maybe?

(sighs)

Total bender.

It got real dark.

I remember trying to join Trump Steaks but I couldn't

because the phone I was using was actually a churro.

Hey, it happens, right?

Dad, I'm so sorry I wasn't here to keep you on the wagon.

Oh, bull. It was good for me.

I mean, not physically, of course.

I got so much gout

my big toe Klumped out of my Merrells.

Sounds like it stings.

But somewhere between my last

fistful of marshmallow fluff and the hospital to get stitches

for accidentally biting a chunk out of my fist,

I had an epiphany.

I got my fat ass to a meeting, myself,

and now I'm ready to move on with my life.

You are?

You got me on the wagon, Alf,

but if I'm gonna stay there, it's got to be on me

and my new emotional support dog

Arfonso. Say hi to your brother.

-'Sup, dog? -He's amazing.

Trained to bark like hell if I try to order any junk food.

Watch this.

-Shake Shack. -(barks)

(Lafonso laughs)

But seriously, son, thank you.

Thank you for giving me my life back.

-Which is why... -(keys jangle)

I want to give you these.

For you and Courtney and Jasmine

and maybe a few of your own.

You're giving me the house?

What's the matter?

She ended it.

Oh, son, I'm sorry.

But can I give you a little advice?

You've got to stand up for what you want in this life

or you'll wind up wasting it

like I've done for too many years.

Don't take no for an answer.

I'm listening.

Nothing good is ever just handed to you.

You've got to take it.

All right, Daddy.

You have to stand up and fight like heck for it.

Is that Chadwick Boseman in a fat suit?

Because this is some Thurgood Marshall, James Brown,

Jackie Robinson and I can only assume one day Barack Obama

bio pic type shit.

Now you get your ass out there

and you fight for that life that you want.

Hell yes!

-Love you, Dad. -(laughs)

Oh, hot dog.

(barks)

-Oh, shut up. -(barks)

SHAYNA: He's waking up.

He's waking up, he's waking up!

My brave boy.

Hey. You're a hero, kiddo.

Am I gonna be okay?

SHAYNA: Basically.

Sh'ma Yisrael...

Uh, you may not want to sh'ma just yet.

Yeah, these, uh, groin surgeries are a little tricky.

Ron, there's been some complications.

Complications?

Is everything okay with my schmeckle?

Probably.

Terrific.

Adonai Eloheinu

Adon...

-What's wrong? -BURT: Son.

The testicle is a very delicate organ,

easily ruptured.

Something bad happen to my nuts?

Nothing that a saline-filled prosthesis

in an egg-shaped silicone elastomer shell...

Prosthesticle.

...can't easily replace.

I lost a ball?

Before the operation, but then

during the operation,

the aforementioned complications...

-I lost both balls? -GAYLE: But-but-but,

the good news is, your father and I agreed

that you'd want to have the option

to have children of your own someday,

so we were able to...

Were able to obtain a semen specimen.

Did I jerk off in a cup in the ER?

I feel like I would've remembered that.

GAYLE: Well, you were on heavy pain meds,

and you were in and out of consciousness...

I jerked you off in a cup.

What?!

It was no Jeep Liberty, but, boy, did you get there.

(crying)

(laughs)

(laughter)

Yeah, you think you've hit rock bottom,

and then you find out you've lost

a considerable amount of your genitals, and... (chuckles)

I want to thank you.

All of you.

For being there for me, for being here,

when all I've done is let every single one of you down.

I'm still kicking around this big blue marble,

and to me, that means that...

I've been given a second chance.

I'm not gonna squander it.

Steve,

we're gonna build a real relationship,

for my mom's sake.

Alana,

as a show of gratitude for yanking

my future children into the world,

I'd like to call you Mom,

despite the inherent weirdness

in both that sentence and in general.

Dad,

I forgive you for ratting me out to the Feds.

You've thought of your well-being one time over mine

in the last 30 years,

but that's one more time than I've thought about yours.

I'd like to call that even.

And maybe someday,

we'll be more than even.

Maybe someday we'll be friends.

-Mom. -Yes.

You paid a heavy price when I was forced to move home,

the lives of your beloved Taffy 1 and Taffy 2.

And as someone who's gone through something similar--

RIP Lou--

I know that there's nothing I can do

to bring those dead dogs back,

but I promise I am gonna spoil Taffy Tres

more rotten than the Tomatometer for "Gotti."

All right, I'm getting real tired; I think I did everybody,

-so if I could get some rest now. -No.

-(gasps) Shayna. -(chuckles)

-My Shayna punim. -(chuckles)

I didn't even see you there.

You must've just arrived.

-No. I was the first one here. -Shayna,

if I have to, I'm gonna live like a goddamn homeless monk

until every cent of damage I owe you is repaid.

Every minute that I'm out on bond until my trial,

I'll work three jobs,

even if they're in the... service industry,

'cause nothing is gonna stop me

from rebuilding this bond between you and I.

Craigory.

Ronald. You gave us a real scare there, buddy.

I want to thank you for being here,

and I want to thank you for bailing me out,

and I want to apologize

for all the heinous shit I did to you

and all the horrible stuff I said to you and about you.

Thank you. It means a lot.

You know, while I gotcha, uh, I know you said

you wouldn't sign over Lou's hologram rights...

This again?

...because you were concerned that

they would make the hologram

do something crazy that Lou would hate,

and I thought about it, and I agree with you.

But what if you went on tour with it?

Think of it as quality control.

The hologram's going all over the world.

You'd be compensated, of course, everything first class,

a healthy per diem, et cetera.

Who better to protect and guide Lou's legacy

than his best friend?

So what do you say?

How 'bout one more tour with Il Lou the Sickest?

You vulture.

You monster.

You sack of shit.

You think I would betray my family?

And betray my best friend's dying wish?

Just to be the crew of some hologram?

I'm in.

I was in at "Gave us quite a scare there, pal."

I was in even earlier.

(both laugh)

So, driver, we have one more stop to make

before we hit the road.

And please avoid any potholes.

I've just had both testicles removed.

ALF: Back where it all began.

You're gonna call me crazy.

Out of all the shit we've done,

my happiest memories were right here.

Yeah, you're fucking crazy.

Yeah, I know. I was trying to sell myself on it as I said it,

but fucking no go. Fucking hate this place.

(chuckles)

I mean, that's kind of what made Lou awesome, right?

Didn't matter where we were.

As long as he was there, it was fun.

Yeah.

You ready?

Now, careful with our boy.

We spent all this time looking for the perfect resting spot.

Who would've thought it was inside us all along.

Yeah.

And to that end, are you ready?

Hello, Lou.

Aye, yai, yo!

Ooh! (coughing)

-Oh, Lou, you burn so good! -Ah!

-(gags, coughs) -Ah, what a special tribute.

Ugh, yeah, I'm really glad we did this.

This is an honorable moment.

RONNIE: I mean, show me the other best friends

that would chop up their boy and do snooters of them.

-Ugh. -I'm not sure if we did this to get fucked up, but...

it is definitely paying dividends.

Yeah, man, I'm feeling it.

I'm feeling like Lou's confidence,

you know what I mean?

(horn honking)

CRAIG: Let's go! Plane leaves in 30!

-Yeah, Craig, all right! -Shit, man!

ALF: Clearly we're in the middle of a moment.

It's a private plane, it's gonna leave

when we get there.

-Uh-oh. -No, I got it. I'm good.

-Okay. -I'm good. Don't... (stammers)

-I don't need any help. -I'm-a just grab Lou.

Yeah, don't tell me what I can't do.

-Oh, wow. -You yourself are a fucking Wonder Woman, man.

Believe and achieve.

Am I leaking from my sack?

Yeah, man.

never guess and never know

Losing everything you own

But just before you hit the red

Your best ideas hit your head

The ones you love will call you back

The regulars will treat you bad

A bolt of lightning from the blue

Yeah

Now it's really clear to you

Things

May not work out

How you thought

Things may not work out

How you thought

Maybe it is good, maybe it is bad

Either way the only truth we have, is

Things may not work out

How you thought

Use a coin to scratch away

Your desperation on display

A different era starts to show

So different friends will come and go

The one you love will hurt you bad

But a stranger has your back

It's sunny when it starts to snow

Yeah

And that is when you really know.

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