Original subtitles

(birds singing)

Mm.

Hey, you.

Hey to you, mister.

(sniffs) Oh. Is that you?

No, it's definitely you.

Mm, and it's bad, too.

No, it was me last night.

I mean, you got to remember that.

It was awful.

Yeah, but it was me in the middle of the night.

That was as nasty as anything I've ever experienced.

Yeah, you're right.

Crept into my dreams through my nostrils.

(laughs)

Okay, my turn.

It's all you.

(baby crying)

Oh, there you go.

(sniffs)

Oh, you're so small. It makes no sense.

(indistinct chatter on TV)

(laughs)

(gargles)

(laughs)

Friendly fire.

(both laugh)

Okay, so I put your latest milky offerings in the freezer,

older stuff in the fridge,

and then there's a week's worth of food for Mom.

Uh, I hope you like turkey chili. It's mostly that

in different sized Tupperware containers.

Uh, I don't know whether to be grateful or offended.

Alfie, I can take care of myself.

I'm sorry. I just...

I guess I'm anxious about, like, leaving you and Jasmine.

You know, I don't want to miss anything.

(laughs) You're gonna be gone for one day.

I know, but, like, what if I come back,

and she looks like Uncle Drew?

(laughs) Just go, okay?

Everything will be just as you left it when you get back.

Except for one thing.

Um... I think I might be... ready.

(laughs) Well, like... like ready, ready?

Yeah, player. (laughs)

Well, uh, how do you know I'm ready?

Uh, because we haven't smashed since high school,

and you're tenting your Bonobos.

Oh, yeah. No, I have a full erection.

Snuck up on me. I guess I am ready.

(door opens)

Dad?

Dad? You ready?

You bet I am.

-(both laugh) -ALF: Ooh!

Is that Chris Tucker I see on that Rascal?

Who would have thought I'd be able to fit

-in my old triple-XLs? -Who would have thought

the Briggs boys would be going on a business trip together?

(both laughing)

You know, I... I haven't been back in ten years.

But I should warn you,

these things used to be a bit of a bacchanal.

What? I'm sorry.

The Midwest Regional Telemarketing Conference?

Oh, yeah.

It's pretty much an orgy of food and... orgies.

-Oh. -I mean, telemarketers

are like house cats.

Once you take 'em outside, ooh, boy, do they meow.

Um, which means...

that you and me have to have each other's backs.

Dad, I'm pretty sure we're out of the woods, right?

-(both laugh) -We got this.

That's a throw to a smash cut if I've ever heard one.

Huh?

Ah, never mind. Don't worry about it.

Breakfast!

(sighs)

(inhales deeply)

Um,

I got to tell ya,

Jamiroquai last night at Ravinia-- they still got it.

I assume. I've never heard of them before.

And next Tuesday,

John Mayer and the Heartbreakers.

You should come with us.

Uh, I think I have work, but maybe.

You've really stuck with this job, kiddo.

I'm so proud of you.

Thanks. I mean, I feel good.

ALANA: Morning, boys.

Ah.

Good morning, fair lady. And, um,

how did you sleep last night?

Barely.

(chuckles loudly, moans)

ALANA: Get in there. All right, get out of there.

(Burt laughs)

Ronnie.

Good morning, Alana.

Good morning, Ronnie.

Come on, Ronnie.

We went to high school together. It's a little weird for me.

-Ronnala. -Dad, you've only

-been dating for six weeks. -I know.

And guess what? True love.

-Oh. -So could you please just...

try it once for me?

It would mean a lot to me.

Good morning, Mom.

(chuckles)

I'm actually okay with him not calling me that.

Fuego, fuego, fuego

Fuego, fuego, fuego

Fuego, fuego, fuego

Fuego, fuego, fuego

Fuego, fuego, fuego

Wow. They really love you, Dad. (chuckles)

You okay?

I just never thought I'd be fit enough to get back here.

Yeah. You're basically wasting away

in telemarketer-itaville.

(chuckles)

Look, don't worry about that junk food, Dad.

Look, in your trunk, I packed a temptation emergency kit.

It's got Sabra singles, kale chips...

LESTER: I'll be goddamned!

Lafonso. Welcome back, big man.

-Lester. Long time. -Yeah.

Don't worry. Not much been going on for the last decade.

Just my back-to-back, to back-to-back, to back-to-back

to back, to back surgery, year off, to back, to back

Telemarketer of the Year awards.

(pops lips) No biggie, really.

Kudos, Lester.

I read all about it in the circular,

but I was never in it for the hardware.

Yeah. Thank God for you.

Aren't you gonna introduce me to your boy toy?

Actually, I'm just his toy.

His boy. I'm his son.

Look, time's up on gay jokes, dude.

Meow, young blood.

Come on. Lester Noyce.

Noyceto meet you.

(laughs) By the way,

this is one sweet vintage Rascal.

ALF: Actually, it's not vintage.

It's a 2019 Frontier Sport.

Eight miles per hour. Top of the line.

'19, huh? You seen the '20s?

Touch-screen entertainment system,

completely redesigned aerodynamic body,

-nine miles an hour. -(Alf laughs)

Yeah, we might fucks with one of them when they drop.

Oh. Let me know.

I got a buddy who can hook you up before they come out.

Come on, son. We need to check in.

Anyhoo, really nice to see you boys.

Have fun.

Why don't you call your friend right now?

I don't need a new scooter.

Yeah.

Why don't you listen to your dad, son?

He doesn't want to spend the money.

(laughs) But I do.

Why don't you get your friend on the phone

-right now? -All right.

I guess you win.

Actually... (clicks tongue) I win.

Told you I'd get that credit card within two minutes.

-Noyce! -That's it, baby!

-(laughter) -MAN: Pay up!

Welcome to the show, rook.

Drive safe.

Pay up, chumps.

What just happened?

I haven't been this turned around

since my night with Orlando Bloom.

There's no shame in being taken

by the Moist Voice Rolls-Royce, Lester Noyce.

My rookie year, I gave him

$2,500 in traveler's checks for an Apple

2-GQ.

There is no Apple 2-GQ.

Well, yeah, I-I knew that.

That seems like a pretty obvious scam, Dad.

WOMAN: Thank you.

(indistinct chatter)

You want to give your mom a happy Mother's Day?

Well, eight ounces of Coconut Beach will get that job done.

But if you want to give your mom a Mother's Day

that'll be burned into her memory and nostrils forever,

and make her forget the time you called her a bitch,

may I suggest 54 ounces of Brambleberry Pie?

Forget her birthday? Steppin' out? Or just 'cause?

Doesn't matter. The answer's the same: Reclaimed Driftwood.

You only get one chance to say good-bye, Lydia,

and I'm not gonna let it smell like shit-- Leather Breeze.

Smokey Lexus.

"Vanilla Sky" sucked.

(sniffs)

Mmm. Loafers.

Back Of The Bar Mitzvah Bus.

A Suit Made Out Of Terra Cotta.

Well. Wow. (laughs)

Well, I'm actually in the market for one of your

Umbrellas Of Deauville candles.

Why?

What do you want with an Umbrellas Of Deauville candle?

Alana and her friends-- they're really into candles.

Dad, do you ever wonder why Alana is so interested in...?

Absolutely not. No.

Son, you never question true love.

You just do whatever you can to keep it.

Which... brings me back to this candle.

Oh, come on, Ron.

I know you were selling these to other people.

I'll look like a real hero if I show up with one of these.

-Fine. -Oh.

Great. How much do I owe you?

Your money's no good here, Dad.

Thanks, son.

You take care, you crazy kids.

Ronnie!

Food court. Now.

Welcome to the 2019 Midwest Regional

Telemarketers Convention Awards Ceremony Luncheon.

(cheering)

Thank you so much.

Let's give a big shout-out...

Listen, kiddo, we had a great year. Let that be enough.

I mean, these awards are meaningless.

What do I always say?

"For the love of the call or not at all."

Now, our first award of the night

is the one that I know you're all waiting for,

-so why make you wait? -LAFONSO: When have you ever seen

an industry that celebrates itself so much?

Yeah. No wonder they hate us on the coasts.

It's all so self-important, self-fellating,

self-aggrandizing and...

-and overly politicized. -Mm-hmm.

The 2019 Telemarketer of the Year goes to...

-Well, ah, this is me. -Honestly, kid,

let's just go.

I mean, this is so gross.

...Lafonso Briggs!

-(cheering) -Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! (laughs)

This is all I ever wanted.

I did it. I did it!

I did it! (laughing)

Oh... (laughs)

I did it. I did it! (laughing)

PRESENTER: We've got something for you right over here.

Look at that.

Oh!

(laughs)

PRESENTER: Say a few words.

Oh. Oh, apologies if I go long,

but this-this has been 30 years in the making.

Telemarketing.

is for trust.

Now, if you don't trust the product,

how is the client gonna trust you?

(soft laughter)

-is for excuses. -Uh, sir?

Make 'em,

and you won't make it up here. (laughs)

Are you trying to interrupt me?

is for love.

I...

Like the love I have for my son, Alfonso.

Without his unconditional love, I wouldn't be standing here,

or at all.

I love you, Alfie!

I'm proud of you, Pop!

Now,is for excellence!

No, I'm-I'm-I'm sorry, sir.

There has been a mistake.

-LAFONSO: What? -I knew it.

PRESENTER: Alfonso Briggs.

You won Telemarketer of the Year.

(people gasping)

It's not a joke. This is not a joke.

I'm-I'm sorry, I read the wrong thing.

Alfonso Briggs won Telemarketer of the Year.

FEMALE PRESENTER: And the award for Best Newcomer goes to...

Yes! Lafonso's baby boy, Alfonso Briggs. Whoo!

The award for Best Call goes to...

Here we go again. Alfonso Briggs.

And the award for Best Actor As Their Own Supervisor goes to...

(gasps) I've heard all of his calls,

and I cannot wait to work with him.

Mr. Alfonso Briggs!

(cheering)

Yes! (chuckles): Hey.

Wow. (chuckles)

I mean, I don't know what to say.

I guess, wow.

Uh, I guess the only thing I can say

is I promise to keep on rockin' and rollin'

and making better calls.

(cheering)

You know, these calls we make,

sometimes they can be considered, you know,

like, annoying or something by some people.

But I don't think that's true.

You know, these calls we make, they can be better.

They can help. They really can. I mean that.

We can always be better.

So I promise to keep on trying if you keep trying.

Let's keep on rockin' and rollin', man.

(cheers and applause)

With you I'm not shy

To show the way I feel

With you I might try

Yeah!

My secrets to reveal

For you are a magnet

Yeah!

Look, Shayna, I'm really sorry I gave Dad that candle for free.

Just take it out of my paycheck, whatever.

Ronnie, I just have one simple question for you.

Who are you, and what have you done with my brother?

-(laughs) -What?

It's like, nice to meet you. My name is Shayna.

What's your name?

'Cause you look a lot like my twin brother,

except you're really great.

You're kind, thoughtful.

You've even managed to take our most foul candle,

Umbrellas Of Deauville,

and somehow turn it into a bestseller.

Who are you?

I mean, I, uh, I guess I have to answer that question

with a question: who are you?

And where is my sister Shayna?

Because whoever I'm talking to is actually very cool.

Well, Shayna's always been pretty cool, too.

It's more Ronnie, her brother, who was the difficult one.

(laughs)

Yeah, I have no dog in this fight.

As we've established, I'm not Ronnie, Shayna's not here.

Mm-mmm.

But I do remember Shayna being

a little bit of a total bitch all the time.

Well, that was in reaction to Ronnie's behavior,

which was aggressively shitty since the day they were born.

Probably because he has body issues,

specifically with his dick.

(laughs) Body issues.

Yeah.

Are you having a laugh?

-Yeah. -Is she having a laugh?

Because I seem to remember Shayna

pulling the trigger to make weight for figure skating.

Only it didn't matter.

She just didn't have the talent.

Shayna had the talent, okay?! She just blew out her knee.

I heard she blew way more than just, out her knee.

(clicks tongue)

This coming from the guy whose entire cabin

jacked each other off at Ojibwa.

We didn't jack each other off!

We showed each other our own come.

How many times?

Look, this is not why I called this meeting.

Then why am I here?

As hard as this is for me to admit...

you coming home was the best thing

that has happened to this family.

Mom and Dad are so much happier apart,

and us working together has been really great.

Thanks.

And I hate to admit this,

but I actually really like working here with you.

Well, unfortunately, you won't be working here anymore.

Wow.

This has been a roller coaster of a meeting.

I'm not firing you, Ronnie.

I'm selling the Candle Wagon.

For the last few months, I've been negotiating

with Yankee Candle! (laughs)

And it's kind of a ton of money.

They're coming tomorrow morning to just sign some papers,

and take all the inventory, and take the reins.

Well, mazel tov. For real, mazel tov.

Well, mazel tov back at you.

Because I'm making you a minority shareholder.

After everything's said and done, it'll be

more than enough money to cover

all your credit card debt and then some.

Wow.

Shayna, I-I... I don't really know what to say.

Say you'll join me for a celebratory drink?

Mudslides on this guy.

You know what? Uh, you go,

and I'll stay and clean up the wagon.

Make sure the inventory in the stock room

is perfect for tomorrow.

-Really? -Yeah.

Okay. I guess I'll knock off early?

Wow. (laughs)

Go spend some of that Yankee Candle money.

You know, there is a Marshalls over there,

and I have had my eye on this Kipling luggage.

I hope it's the one with the monkeys on it.

-Oh, they all have the monkeys on it. -Good.

(singers scatting )

You've got to start at the bottom

If you're ever gonna reach the top

You've gotta watch your facetious soul

Don't let 'em go to pot, you've gotta

Live by the golden rule

Heed what they teach in the Sunday school

Start at the bottom

If you're ever gonna reach the top

When Jacob climbed his ladder

He started at the bottom

He climbed and he climbed, and, Lord, he prayed

The devil never got him

Start at the bottom

If you're ever gonna reach the top

You've gotta start at the bottom

If you're ever gonna reach the top.

(laughing)

That speech you made was, like, straight out of a movie.

It was.

I ripped it off word-for-word from Boogie Nights. (laughs)

-We did, too! -We did, too!

-Yes! -LAFONSO: Well, uh, I-I... I'm-I'm gonna

head up, son. Um, time to call it a night.

-Oh, boo. -GIRLS: Boo.

Come on, Dad, one more.

(clears throat)

Excuse me.

Look, son,

there's a lot of triggers here...

for the both of us.

Who, them?

I mean, they're fine, but I'll be fine, too.

But what if you're not? Why risk it?

I'm sorry, Dad,

but it sort of feels like

you're trying to end my celebration,

not because of our triggers,

but because this has been really hard on you.

And I get that, and I understand and I'm sorry.

Look, I'll be fine, okay? I promise.

Enjoy yourself.

Thanks, Dad.

Hey, dead man rolling!

-The movie? -Yeah.

Yeah. Here you go. That cost an arm and a leg. Ouch.

Yeah. All right, guys, so where was I?

(clears throat) Oh, that's right.

-Celebrity impersonations. Mm-hmm. -Ooh.

I don't know any.

(whoops) Whoo-wee!

That is a strong Mudslide.

I better pump the brakes.

FEMALE PRESENTER: I can't wait for you to see our room.

They upgraded us to a parking lot view king.

It's really, really sick.

ALF: Dad.

I thought you went to bed. What are you doing here?

Uh...

I came down to keep you from making a huge mistake.

Courtney. Jasmine.

(exhales)

Wow.

I, uh...

I didn't realize how much I needed that. Thank you.

-Ladies, uh, -Um...

thank you, but I must bid you a fine morrow.

-Lester. (grunts) -Yeah.

Come on, Dad.

-(sighs) -Yeah.

F-Full disclosure, ladies, I'm married.

I'm sorry.

Man, that was such a close call.

Dad, how'd you know to come back down for me?

Addicts recognize other addicts.

I'm sorry about the awards.

Oh, nonsense.

I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of you.

Dad, you had a really tough day, and you didn't break.

-Can I tell you something? -What?

You're my hero.

-Bring it in. -(grunting)

All right. Good night, Dad.

-Love you. -Good night.

MAN (over P.A.): Attention, employees.

The time is 6:00 a.m. and the mall

will be opening in two hours.

(yawns)

-I am seriously shaking right now. -(laughs): I see.

I feel like Bridget Fonda in "It Could Happen to You."

-Pinch me! -Really?

-Yes. Do it. Ah! -Okay.

-Too much? -SHAYNA: Not enough.

WOMAN: We are so excited that we finally landed

on a number that works for everyone.

SHAYNA: I would've done it for less,

-but... oh. -Oh, well, really?

Wow, Ron, did you stay here all night to make sure

everything was set for the handoff?

Made a promise.

Claire, I would like you to meet

not only my MVP employee, but my bro.

Looks like he was really burning the candle at both ends, huh?

-(both laugh) -Candle humor.

-I love it. -Okay, well,

I guess all we have left to do here is sign on the dotted line.

-Yes, please. -BURT: Oh!

There you kids are.

Wouldn't you know it,

no one is manning the Wagon, and I really need a candle.

-Oh. -So, uh, could I have

an Umbrellas of Deauville, please?

Uh, Daddy, we're kind of in the middle of something.

Actually, I wanted it to be a surprise, but I...

Oh, good, k-keep it that way.

I love surprises.

Um, but where would that candle be?

-Dad, let's go for a walk. -Uh, no.

I don't want to go for a walk.

I gave you a fresh candle yesterday.

(whispers): But Alana and her friends burned through it faster

than I was expecting.

Look, son, I'm not an idiot, okay?

I know Alana's a lot younger than me,

and she really shouldn't be with me at all, but right now,

I am happier than I've been in decades.

So give me

a goddamn Umbrellas of Deauville.

Dad, I am actually really, really happy for you.

It's just, we don't have any of those

specific candles right now.

Uh, Ron, there's one in your hand.

Perfect. There's the money!

DEA! Put your hands where I can see them.

-Dad! -BURT: I'm sorry, son.

-But Alana was busted with your pills. -Ow.

Oh, God.

I've lost everything.

I-I can't lose her, too.

Alana Feinerman is not worth it.

She jerked me off in the back of a Jeep Liberty

my sophomore year.

I'm sorry, Ronnie. I'm sorry.

Ow! That's tight.

You sold drugs in my candles?

I just needed to make enough money

to give myself a fresh start.

You don't deserve a fresh start.

You deserve consequences, for all the shit you fucked up.

I'm sorry.

We'll be in touch, ma'am.

Claire. (chuckles)

(mouthing)

Do you have any family members that you'd like to call?

No.

Any friends?

No.

(lock clicks)

Hey, baby.

Whoa.

-Did you rob a trophy store? -Ha.

(chuckles): Oh, no, uh, just got very lucky.

Or I'm a natural.

You know, or the expectations

in this profession aren't very high.

Don't sell yourself short. You worked hard.

So, listen,

the baby's gonna be asleep for the next 30 minutes,

so, uh, you ready to put in some real work?

Oh, yeah, I mean, I guess, uh, I could puree some sweet potatoes,

maybe do a load of laundry.

Oh, shit. Uh...

Yes. Yes, I am.

Ooh.

(knocking)

(sighs)

Okay.

Ha, ha, ha!

(knocking)

What the fuck are you doing here?

I need you to come with me right now. It's an emergency.

(scoffs) What? Hell fucking no.

I know that everything that comes out of my mouth

sounds like a joke, and that's a gift and a burden,

but I-I need you to come with me right now.

Bro...

I don't see you for six fucking months,

and all of a sudden you just show up here, expecting me

-to drop everything? -Jacksonville.

What did you just say?

Jacksonville.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

-Fine. -What's going on?

Hey, Courtney.

Ooh.

Uh...

I'm sorry, but I have to go.

Wait, right now?

Is this a joke?

No. I mean, I wish it was.

But I made, like, a... I made this promise.

But I'm sorry.

Okay, so... Wai... I mean, w-when are you gonna be back?

Oh, hell no.

(inhales sharply)

The top of a match.

Mm. Don't tell Daddy.

An old nickel.

Don't tell Mommy. An airport restroom.

I don't know why they'd make this, but Grandpa's breasts.

A timeshare.

A weighted blanket.

Non-alcoholic sake.

Gayle King.

Loose meat.

Phantom limb.

Mayor David Dinkins.

New house.

Crootchkies and cream.

The smell when you rip the plastic

off a brand-new iPhone.

Clean diaper.

(inhales sharply)

Dirty diaper.

The whole buffalo.

Kevin Hart's size.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0