Original subtitles

(yawns)

This is stupid. Oh, shit.

Yo. What up, my dude?

Hey, man.

How you been?

Doing good.

(laughing): I mean, busy, right, but good.

You?

Chillin'.

Feel like I haven't seen you in a few weeks.

(sputters) Is that right?

Nah, I've-I've seen you.

We've... we've seen each other.

If you say so.

I called you a bunch today.

Texted, too.

Yeah, you know, I did see that.

Sorry. It's, uh... just had this appointment.

Oh. Sheesh.

Long appointment.

Yeah. Boy, you know how these appointments can be.

I guess. I mean, what... what kind of appointment was it?

Just... general practitioner.

You know, he saw something in my blood work that he didn't love.

-Oh, no. -Yeah.

What'd they see?

S-S... Uh, my calcium levels.

My mom has early onset osteoporosis.

It's no joke. Her bones are fucked.

(laughs)

So I know a little something about calcium.

I mean, what's your disorder?

You hyper, you hypo?

You have Milk-alkali syndrome?

It's... I'm hypo.

Oh, sucks.

Yeah. It sucks.

Hey, what were your levels, guy?

Uh... it's at 8.1 milligrams per deciliter.

And as you know, uh, normal is within 8.3 to 9.9, so...

Hmm. Sounds like someone did a ton of research

on their newfound syndrome.

Well, you can see how there's cause for concern.

Sure can, pal.

Those numbers are no bueno.

ALF: I know.

Still, that took all day?

Uh, well, no. No, not all day.

Uh...

after that, it was, you know, just more appointments,

trying to sort all of that out.

I mean, you get it.

I do. I sure do.

Did they... figure anything out?

Milk.

Yeah. Yeah, it turns out I wasn't drinking enough milk.

You know, the old white gold.

Hmm. White gold.

You know, I had always heard white gold was cocaine.

You know, I'd thought that, too,

but I guess white gold can be cocaine or milk, so...

-Mm-hmm. -...you got to be very careful

when you're at the grocery store.

You've had that happen to you.

You've been at the grocery store and been looking for the milk

and not knowing where it was, and found a clerk and said,

"Excuse me, what aisle do you keep your white gold in

I have. Yeah, you know, I also say;green gold; for broccoli

and;red gold; for salsa, ;yellow gold; for butter.

(chuckles) I mean, not;yellow gold.

That's just regular gold, right?

I agree.

Yellow gold; is a very strong code name for butter.

Well, look... I'm just glad you're okay,

'cause it sounds like you've had one heck of a day.

Which is why I guess you couldn't find time

to hit a brother back.

Yeah, exactly.

You seem to be acting a little strange.

Is, uh, everything all right?

Is there something you want to... something you want to say?

No. Is there something you'd like to say to me?

No, there isn't.

Hey, you know what?

I bet you haven't even eaten today, huh?

Yeah, no, I haven't,

but, you know, I figured that ship has sailed.

Yeah, I'm probably just gonna go to bed.

Really? That's nuts.

(chuckles) No, no, no.

We got to feed those weak bones of yours.

I mean, when you didn't call me back or return my texts,

I figured, "Hey, this guy's just probably so crazy,

running around the city, he can't find time to eat."

Yeah, we've established that.

Which is why, on my way home, I stopped at Mariano's

and picked up a feast fit for an Italian team of ten sailors,

who also minor in bodybuilding.

I'm sorry, let me get this straight.

Are these students?

And if so, what, do they just, like, major in sailing?

And if that's the case, why not just call them students?

Why call them sailors?

Well, I was talking about ten professional sailors,

who all go back to college together

to get their master's in, uh, uh-uh-uh, navigation.

When they all discovered that they're still eligible

to compete at sailing at the collegiate level?

Exactly. Exactly.

All the while working on their minor in bodybuilding.

Hmm. Fine. I mean, nonsense, but go on.

Guy, I am going to cook for you a feast, okay?

'Cause you deserve it. 'Cause you need it.

I appreciate that, but, you know, no thank you.

I will not take no for an answer on this.

Relax and let Chef Ronnisimo a-cooka for you

a humongous a-feast, huh?

Unless...

you did have time to eat dinner tonight

and you forgot.

Nah, dawg. I'm starved.

(sighs, chuckles)

Bring it on.

Okay.

Is that... this uncut prosciutto?

Proscuitt, actually.

Mmm. You sure did buy a lot of food.

Oh, yeah, but don't fill up on the antipasto,

'cause there is a garlic bread in this oven

that'll knock your socks off

when she comes around the mountain, when she comes.

Which is in about 45 seconds.

So while I got you... (chuckles)

Can I ask you a question?

Do you remember when we were kids,

you and I... took a blood oath?

And do you remember...

that that blood oath said

that we would always tell each other the truth

about everything

and anything forever?

(cork pops)

I do remember that.

Well, you know what's so cool about that blood oath...

is that all through these years,

we've never broken it once.

Yeah, not to this very day.

(laughs) Mm-hmm.

Not to this very day.

So what's going on in your life,

over the last couple weeks?

Like, what have you been up to?

Ah. I mean, what haven't I been up to?

(chuckling) You know.

Because lately-- I don't know--

I feel like we're just two ships passing in the M. Night.

(chuckles) Yeah, you know, the shocking twist

is that there isn't one.

Yeah, I was just... I've just been super busy.

Hey, can I ask you a question?

I know this might sound crazy, but...

are we still doing this comeback, like, together?

Getting back to the top?

'Cause fuck this town, and fuck this life, right?

Of course. (laughs)

What? Uh, of course, man.

Uh-huh. 100, 100.

Oh, all day.

But I have been...

uh, having... thoughts

about our comeback...

in the form of ideas, you see what I'm saying?

Uh, of how to make it happen.

Perfect. Can't wait to hear every single one.

-(bell dings) -Uh-oh. That's the rigatone

that I got to drop in the water like it's hot.

Because it is hot.

That water is boiling.

If I were you,

I would take some of that fresh Asiag

and dip it in the gabagool.

Way ahead of you, man.

-Mmm, mmm, mmm! -Mm-hmm.

-You've really outdone yourself this time. -Yeah.

Mmm. This some prosciutto?

-Aha, you like it? -Mmm, mmm. Yeah.

Ooh. And the sharpness of this pecorin?

Ooh, get the fuck out of here.

(chuckles)

Wow.

My ham. It looks like someone was hungry.

And still is.

Perfect.

Fresh-baked garlic B.

Mm.

Now, where were we?

Mmm.

Mmm, you know, I just...

just want to focus all my senses on this delicious meal.

-Mmm. -(muffled talking)

Wasn't giving you time to say what's going on with you.

-Oh, with me? -Mm-hmm.

Well, my family ambushed me with an intervention.

(coughs)

What?!

-Uh... -That's right. Mm-hmm.

They told horrible stories about me being on Oxy,

and get this-- they think I have a...

;drug problem.

(scoffs) What?

You, a drug problem?

Huh. I can't believe they clowned you like that.

-So deceptive. -Right?

That being said,

it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world

if any of us were to kind of dry out

for a little bit, am I right?

I mean, I guess.

Why don't you have some more garlic bread?

You know, I really shouldn't.

I don't want to... fill up.

Aw. (chuckles)

But don't you see...

the biggest joy a chef can have

is watching his loved ones eat his food.

I garlic'd the bread just like you like.

(chuckles)

Mm-hmm.

-Aw. -Mmm. (chuckles)

-And it's great how you can hear it, too. -Uh-huh.

Ooh. Oh, you are right.

This is perfectly garlic'd.

-(chuckles) -(bell dings)

Uh-oh. That's the sauce I'm making:

an eight-meat ragu so fuckin' thick,

it's practically a solid.

Ooh.

But... (chuckles)

I would also be really offended

if you didn't finish that fuckin' garlic bread.

(chuckles)

By the way, I never got to ask you,

is that a velvet do-rag or is it velour?

Ooh.

Everything okay over there, pal?

Oh, yeah, dawg. I just, uh, dropped my phone.

Mm, the worst. But I got some good news for ya.

Wait till you see the secondi that I've been...

Man, is it a choice cut piece of meat.

Uh-uh-uh-oh.

Bellisima! Huh?

So, just to... circle back

to something we covered earlier.

You said your family accused you of having an Oxy addiction?

We've established that.

Well, that shit's expensive.

Yeah.

You can't have an Oxy addiction.

You don't have any money.

(chuckles) Also, I'm not a druggie.

Yeah. Sure, sure, sure, sure.

So, how much does Oxy go for, anyway?

30 bucks a pill?

I don't know, I got a guy.

You've got a drug dealer?

(chuckles): I wouldn't, uh...

He hooks me up.

He hooks you up for free?

No.

Yeah. No. S-Sometimes.

What...?

You know, all these Italian groceries

had to be pretty expensive.

Eh, Chef Ronnisimo?

They were.

But nothing short of the best for my guy, right?

Say, did you get your teeth whitened?

No. Just brushing harder.

Hey, uh...

how's Courtney?

What's the, uh, Courtney of it all?

-You making any inroads? -Uh, no, no.

I'm completely over her.

Yeah, not looking for any new inroads.

Yeah? What about your dad?

What about him?

-Eh. -Nothing new there.

It's like I said.

I don't care about anybody in this town.

Fuck this place.

Well, if that's true,

then we should just leave right now.

(exhales) I'd pack up and go right now.

You would?

Absolutely would.

Pack up and leave?

(chuckles) You heard me.

Bet.

Bet.

You know what? I'm just gonna throw some things in a bag.

We'll be good to go.

You know, honestly, this is the move.

Oh, yeah. Especially since there's nothing left for us

in this town.

We should've done this a long time ago.

You know, and we can take the rigatone to go.

Absolutely. But, you know,

-there's one thing we should do before we leave. -Huh?

We should get some closure.

Let's spread our best friend Lou's ashes.

You know, finish things where we started.

I mean, after all, we did promise Lou's mother

-that we'd be the custodians of her son's body. -Yeah.

-Our best friend's body. -You know what?

Let me be in charge of the ashes.

As far as closure goes, I think you need

some closure from Courtney. I mean, I can't believe

she wouldn't give you a second chance

or agree to see you or speak to you ever again.

That is an amazing idea, and I will marinate on that.

Hmm. You know what'd be so funny?

This is just coming to me.

If we sent that video of you fucking Tasha, your cousin,

at the barbecue to Courtney.

I know you got that footage somewhere.

(laughing): This is... it is funny.

I mean, why not burn that bridge?

She wronged you, bro.

Mm, well, I mean, actually, I wronged her.

Oh. So we're defending her now?

No, not...

You know? Fine. Fine.

All right, well, we'll just, uh,

do the ashes first, then we'll, uh,

send the video to-to Courtney.

You know, just in the narrative of it all,

it doesn't quite flow for me.

I think we do...

video first, then the ashes.

No, that doesn't seem right to me.

You know, I think we want to do the ashes first--

you know, do a good deed, then video, bad deed.

Mm-hmm. But there is an argument to be made

about getting your bad stuff out of the way-- video--

then doing your good deed-- ashes.

No. I think you want to do the ashes,

then video, no question. Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go see if I packed all my pants.

-Can I hold that for you? -Yeah.

-Thank you. -Ah, fuck a duck.

Are you, uh... (chuckles)

are you looking for this?

My smut drive.

Don't worry, Alfonso.

I'll send it to Courtney from me.

Because I know you like to take the high road.

And we've always had each other's backs.

Right?

Stop.

I've been seeing Courtney again.

And I've been working with my dad.

And I've been getting help for my sex stuff.

I'm not about that life anymore, bro.

I like my life here.

And I don't want to leave.

Well, well, well,

well, well.

The snake shows its snake-ness-ness.

I know.

I saw you and Courtney at dinner tonight.

You've been cheating on our dream,

and you have been lying about it.

-Ronnie, I'm sorry, bro. -No, no, no.

Shut the fuck up for one second.

I mean, I have been working my fucking ass off

to get us back to the top, and you've been out

bullshitting behind my back.

So, if you knew,

why'd you run me through this whole fucking song and dance?

A real friend wouldn't do that.

Well, a real friend wouldn't lie in the first place.

-Oh, no? -Wait. Wait.

Why don't we just pour these ashes out

-right here, right now? -Wait, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh.

All right, fine. I-I...

I sold Lou's ashes for drugs.

You sold the only remnant of our best friend

-for pills! -(stammers)

And for money.

Um, f-for food and other-other provisions.

You clearly care more about getting high

than our best friend.

Well, you clearly care about everybody else in your life

-more than me. -That's not true, Ronnie.

-Trust me. -Trust you?

The world's biggest fucking liar?

You don't want to do this, bro.

Do what? I'm ready to throw down.

Just leave it, okay?

Say it! Say it.

You don't give a shit about me.

If I didn't give a shit about you,

why would I set up an intervention for you?

(gasps) You squealer!

You told my mom on me? What... Who are you?

I was concerned!

All right, you're an addict.

I don't even like pills.

It's not just pills, man.

It's everything.

You're an addictive person.

I'm not an addict. I'm just sad about Lou.

How long are you gonna use that as an excuse

to fucking have your head up your ass and get high all day?

Hey, you know what? Don't worry so much about my life.

Why don't you worry about your own life?

Which is a fucking dumpster fire, FYI.

I mean, you had sex with your cousin--

on accident, of course--

and then to fix that,

you had sex with your cousin again on purpose!

That is out of line.

You know what?

Fuck you. All right? I'm trying to help.

How? By breaking our blood oath?

You know, it was supposed to be you, me and Lou.

We were all supposed to have each other's backs.

But I don't think that you have ever had my back.

Bullshit.

Lou wanted to kick you out of the crew two years ago.

You know how many fucking cities you've had us kicked out of

and fucking banned from?

Vatican City, to start.

Vatican City is a country!

I have told you that! And why would anyone

want to kick Ronnie Pockets out of any crew?

I made you Ronnie Pockets

so Lou had a reason to keep you around.

Look, Craig didn't fuck up your ticket to Tokyo.

Lou told him not to get you one, and I convinced them

to keep you around so you could hold the drugs.

So instead of yelling at me,

you should be thanking me.

You're welcome.

Fuck you, man.

You know what?

I wish you would've kicked me out of that crew.

Because then I wouldn't be in this shit situation.

And, unlike you, I have a ton to offer this world,

not just my fucking costumed dick.

Yeah, I'm sure the world is really aching

for another pill-addicted, white-privilege waste of talent.

CourtneyRiley1983@gmail, was it?

-Take it easy. Take it easy. -Give it.

-(smoke alarm beeping) -Ow! My knee! My knee!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You should probably check the food.

I'll watch the laptop.

Hey, why don't I just watch the laptop.

You know, you're an asthmatic. Get out of here.

No, but you know what? These, uh, fire detectors

are very, very sensitive right now.

Yeah, it's probably just the broiler's

-getting so freaking hot, you know. -Yeah.

It's called al dente.

You know what? Maybe we should check it together, huh?

Yeah. You know what everybody always says.

"Better safe than sorry."

-Ooh, dinner's almost done. -Smells delish.

(both coughing)

I can't believe your bitch ass thought you could overpower me.

(cries out)

Give me the laptop!

Get the fuck off me!

(both coughing)

(both groaning)

What's up, Lou?

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm.

I can't believe I'm seeing what I'm seeing right now.

Ronnie, what the actual fuck? You sold my ashes?

-ALF: For drugs. -(Lou sighs)

And, Alf, you creeping behind RonRon's back, bro?

RONNIE: Creeping like Brett Ratner, bro.

Man, what happened to you guys since I've been gone?

ALF: Ronnie gained some weight.

RONNIE: Well, I did gain some weight.

I'm not talking about that.

I mean, are you dudes even friends anymore

now that I'm not here?

Were you ever really friends?

Or was it just the life?

-That's a pretty valid question. -Yeah.

I mean, I guess it's easy to be friends

when life's just champagne and pussy.

Yeah, but when the shit really hits the fan, though,

what's really underneath it all?

-Maybe nothing. -(siren wailing)

Yeah. Maybe we're not really friends.

Uh, by the way,

you do know your apartment's on fire, right?

-(Ronnie and Alf laugh) -(pounding at door)

-Clear the smoke. -(fire alarm beeping)

Attack team, take the hall.

(indistinct chatter)

Standing on the edge of something new

Breaks your heart I'm finally

Over you

Fuck you.

I sent the video to Courtney

after you passed out before I passed out.

Fuck you.

Fuck you. I don't want to see you again.

-(Alf coughing) -Couldn't agree more, pal.

Couldn't agree fucking more.

In your yellow Bugatti

Left standing in the rain yelling

;Beam me up, Scotty

But now I'm so over you

Over you

(engines start)

-Over you -(siren chirps)

Over you...

Over you

Standing on the edge, what a view

In the distance I still see you

Something old, something borrowed, something blue

Your dreams were never made for two.

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