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1
00:00:07,340 --> 00:00:10,176
[Norah Jones' "Everybody
Needs a Best Friend"]
2
00:00:10,218 --> 00:00:12,887
* *
3
00:00:12,929 --> 00:00:14,389
- * My words are lazy *
4
00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:16,307
* My thoughts are hazy *
5
00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:19,436
* But this is one thing
I'm sure of *
6
00:00:19,477 --> 00:00:23,064
* Everybody needs
a best friend *
7
00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:25,817
* I'm happy I'm yours *
8
00:00:27,819 --> 00:00:30,739
[bright music]
9
00:00:30,780 --> 00:00:35,702
* *
10
00:00:35,744 --> 00:00:36,745
- B7.
11
00:00:36,786 --> 00:00:38,413
- Miss.
- Again?
12
00:00:38,455 --> 00:00:40,915
- Yup.
- Jesus, that's eight misses.
13
00:00:40,957 --> 00:00:43,043
- Yes, it is.
14
00:00:43,084 --> 00:00:44,127
- Did you put your ships in?
15
00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:45,211
- No, I did not.
16
00:00:45,253 --> 00:00:46,254
- What the fuck, dude?
17
00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:47,630
- While you were militarizing,
18
00:00:47,672 --> 00:00:49,924
I allocated my funds
toward infrastructure--
19
00:00:49,966 --> 00:00:52,427
roads and bridges,
schools and hospitals, John.
20
00:00:52,469 --> 00:00:53,636
The needs of my people.
21
00:00:53,678 --> 00:00:54,804
- That's not
how the game works.
22
00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:56,806
- It's not a game,
you son of a bitch!
23
00:00:56,848 --> 00:00:58,266
- Jesus, OK.
24
00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:01,019
- Sorry, I think I've been
watching too much "M.A.S.H."
25
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,104
- Boys, come upstairs.
26
00:01:03,146 --> 00:01:05,231
It's cookie-frosting time.
27
00:01:05,273 --> 00:01:07,400
- [sighs]
We gonna do this?
28
00:01:07,442 --> 00:01:09,235
- Lori Loughlin's
on "Oprah" at 3:00,
29
00:01:09,277 --> 00:01:10,779
so I was gonna jerk off.
30
00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:11,988
But I guess I can tape it.
31
00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:13,239
- You're a good son.
32
00:01:13,281 --> 00:01:15,033
[timer dings]
33
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:21,873
* *
34
00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:24,167
Oh, hey, Sarah.
35
00:01:24,209 --> 00:01:25,210
- Hey, Ted.
36
00:01:25,251 --> 00:01:26,378
- How's the pot business?
37
00:01:26,419 --> 00:01:29,381
- The...crock pot business
38
00:01:29,422 --> 00:01:31,383
is doing just fine, thanks.
39
00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:33,677
- Sarah, I don't think
you've met my cousin John.
40
00:01:33,718 --> 00:01:34,803
- Hi.
- Hi.
41
00:01:34,844 --> 00:01:37,305
- Sarah's Blaire's friend
from college.
42
00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:39,432
Her trip to California
was canceled,
43
00:01:39,474 --> 00:01:42,102
so she's staying with us
for Christmas.
44
00:01:42,143 --> 00:01:43,269
She's...
[with Indian accent] Indian.
45
00:01:43,311 --> 00:01:44,854
- Aunt Suze, you--
46
00:01:44,896 --> 00:01:46,314
you don't have to say that.
47
00:01:46,356 --> 00:01:47,774
- [normally]
Oh, I don't mind.
48
00:01:47,816 --> 00:01:50,276
Sarah shouldn't have
to tell people she's Indian.
49
00:01:50,318 --> 00:01:51,528
- Thank you.
50
00:01:51,569 --> 00:01:53,029
- Aren't you glad
you stayed for this?
51
00:01:53,071 --> 00:01:54,823
- Mm.
- OK, tools...
52
00:01:54,864 --> 00:01:56,157
- Oh, thank you.
53
00:01:56,199 --> 00:01:58,618
- For my little
assistants here.
54
00:01:58,660 --> 00:01:59,994
- Do you want to make
the colostomy bag joke,
55
00:02:00,036 --> 00:02:01,037
or should I?
56
00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:02,622
- Well, Sarah is the guest.
57
00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:05,333
Sarah, would you like to make
the colostomy bag joke?
58
00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:06,918
- I'm all good.
Thanks.
59
00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:09,963
- Johnny, I need you outside.
60
00:02:10,005 --> 00:02:12,173
There's a raccoon frozen in
the ice next to the driveway.
61
00:02:12,215 --> 00:02:13,466
I got to chip him out of there.
62
00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:14,801
- Well, what do you
need me for?
63
00:02:14,843 --> 00:02:16,970
- Need you to bag up the pieces
for the homeless.
64
00:02:17,012 --> 00:02:18,513
- Wait, do you only give stuff
to the homeless
65
00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:19,973
when you don't want
to go to the dump?
66
00:02:20,015 --> 00:02:22,183
- Matty, honey, this is Sarah,
67
00:02:22,225 --> 00:02:23,893
Blaire's Indian friend.
68
00:02:23,935 --> 00:02:26,146
- Aunt Suze, you really
don't have to add that.
69
00:02:26,187 --> 00:02:27,272
- I had Indian food once.
70
00:02:27,313 --> 00:02:28,523
Blew right through me.
71
00:02:28,565 --> 00:02:30,942
- I'll pass that on
up the ladder.
72
00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:32,235
- Do what you want to do.
73
00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:33,194
I'm just telling you
what happened.
74
00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:34,654
All right, John, let's go.
75
00:02:34,696 --> 00:02:37,323
- Well, actually, I'm helping
Mom frost the cookies.
76
00:02:37,365 --> 00:02:38,658
- Well, you can do that later.
77
00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:40,160
- She asked him first, Matty.
78
00:02:40,201 --> 00:02:41,161
You can wait your turn.
79
00:02:41,202 --> 00:02:42,370
- Are you kidding me?
80
00:02:42,412 --> 00:02:43,997
Jesus Christ,
when I was your age,
81
00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:45,999
I would have killed
to shovel ice with my dad.
82
00:02:46,041 --> 00:02:48,209
- Yeah, I can see
how chopping up a dead raccoon
83
00:02:48,251 --> 00:02:50,211
would be a father-son
memory maker.
84
00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:51,671
- So you're not gonna help?
85
00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:54,632
- Well, I got a lot
of cookies to frost, Dad.
86
00:02:54,674 --> 00:02:56,926
- [scoffs]
Spoken like a real man.
87
00:02:56,968 --> 00:02:58,386
- Which means what?
88
00:02:58,428 --> 00:02:59,846
- No, no, no, no, it's fine.
You know what?
89
00:02:59,888 --> 00:03:02,682
Stay here and frost
your cookies with the ladies.
90
00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:05,101
Maybe we can go see
a Broadway show after.
91
00:03:05,143 --> 00:03:07,437
- Oh, Matty, could we?
92
00:03:07,479 --> 00:03:11,941
- So your implication
is that John is, what, gay
93
00:03:11,983 --> 00:03:13,234
because he's frosting cookies?
94
00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:14,486
- Susan, help me out here.
95
00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:16,529
- Look at that.
96
00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:19,574
- Is that an elf
with his big candy cane?
97
00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:21,951
- No, it's a barber pole.
The elf just got a haircut.
98
00:03:21,993 --> 00:03:23,536
- Oh, I love it.
99
00:03:23,578 --> 00:03:25,997
Oh, Matty, come look
at the elf's haircut.
100
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:27,874
- Fuck, Jesus Christ!
101
00:03:27,916 --> 00:03:29,834
You know, when I was just
a little bit older than you,
102
00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:31,169
I was in Vietnam.
103
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,379
Did I ever tell you
about the time
104
00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:34,339
I thought I saw
a clown in a field
105
00:03:34,381 --> 00:03:36,383
but it was just
an inside-out guy?
106
00:03:37,425 --> 00:03:38,593
Know what?
Forget it.
107
00:03:38,635 --> 00:03:40,595
Frost your gay cookies.
108
00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:44,099
- Did he just call you gay
109
00:03:44,140 --> 00:03:47,060
and then angrily toss
his scarf over his shoulder?
110
00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:48,311
- Yup.
111
00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:49,729
- Maybe he's still
figuring shit out.
112
00:03:49,771 --> 00:03:51,731
- Well, it is always
the homophobes.
113
00:03:51,773 --> 00:03:53,400
- You know, I never
understood that word.
114
00:03:53,441 --> 00:03:54,859
- What word?
- "Homophobe."
115
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:56,569
- It's prejudice
against gay people.
116
00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:57,696
- Yeah, but, like,
shouldn't it mean,
117
00:03:57,737 --> 00:03:58,947
like, scared of gay people?
118
00:03:58,988 --> 00:04:00,448
- Yeah, I've always
wondered that too.
119
00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:02,867
Like, every other phobe
is, like, scared.
120
00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:04,744
- That is
what "homophobe" means.
121
00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:06,746
- No, no, but it's--
it is different, right?
122
00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:08,623
Like, in "Arachnophobia,"
Jeff Daniels
123
00:04:08,665 --> 00:04:10,041
is scared of spiders
because he thinks
124
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,251
they're gonna, like,
hurt him
125
00:04:11,292 --> 00:04:12,752
or, like, kill him
or something.
126
00:04:12,794 --> 00:04:14,754
- Yeah, it's not like,
oh, I'm scared of spiders
127
00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:16,840
'cause I think they're
gonna make me a spider
128
00:04:16,881 --> 00:04:19,009
or they're gonna
take over the school
129
00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:20,760
and teach spider stuff.
130
00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:22,762
- Stop talking.
- I mean, if I was a homophobe,
131
00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:25,598
wouldn't I see a gay guy
and be like, aah, a gay guy!
132
00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:26,683
Run!
133
00:04:28,643 --> 00:04:30,145
- Is the bear always like this?
134
00:04:30,186 --> 00:04:31,271
- I'm so sorry.
135
00:04:31,312 --> 00:04:33,356
- [breathing heavily]
136
00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:34,691
Whew!
137
00:04:34,733 --> 00:04:37,027
Didn't even run that far.
[chuckles]
138
00:04:37,068 --> 00:04:41,114
[panting]
So...Bollywood,
139
00:04:41,156 --> 00:04:42,949
is that you guys?
140
00:04:44,492 --> 00:04:48,913
* *
141
00:04:48,955 --> 00:04:51,624
- Come on, Matty,
we're gonna be late for church.
142
00:04:51,666 --> 00:04:53,126
- No, I'm taking the week off.
143
00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:54,669
Pats are playing Buffalo.
144
00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:58,631
- But it's the last Sunday
service before Christmas Eve.
145
00:04:58,673 --> 00:05:00,258
And Father Odell
says that if you don't
146
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,135
cultivate a relationship
with God,
147
00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:03,261
you're going to hell.
148
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,347
- Can't be worse
than one of his sermons.
149
00:05:05,388 --> 00:05:06,681
- Well, if he's that boring,
150
00:05:06,723 --> 00:05:08,683
then why is the Boston Globe
Spotlight Team
151
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:10,643
doing a big story on him?
152
00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:12,645
- Matty, Susan
has a choir solo today.
153
00:05:12,687 --> 00:05:14,564
- I'll be at the next one,
all right? I promise.
154
00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:16,149
- Jesus,
it's 45 fucking minutes.
155
00:05:16,191 --> 00:05:17,150
You can't do this for her?
156
00:05:17,192 --> 00:05:18,485
- Oh, it's all right.
157
00:05:18,526 --> 00:05:19,819
He works hard all week.
158
00:05:19,861 --> 00:05:22,322
If he wants to rest
on a Sunday, let him rest.
159
00:05:22,364 --> 00:05:23,865
It's what the Lord did.
160
00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:25,283
- No, it's not
all right, though.
161
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:26,868
He's acting like
a selfish jerk.
162
00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:28,161
- I'm selfish?
163
00:05:28,203 --> 00:05:29,162
Wait a minute.
164
00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:30,497
I work 60 hours a week
165
00:05:30,538 --> 00:05:32,040
so that you guys
can have a fridge
166
00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:33,875
full of Eggos and Fanta.
167
00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:34,918
- He's right.
168
00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:36,836
We do take the Fanta
for granted.
169
00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:39,255
- Here you go, Mom.
- Oh, thank you, sweetie.
170
00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:41,383
- Yeah.
- Hey, what's that?
171
00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:44,886
- Oh, it's the toys for
the Toys for Tots gift drive.
172
00:05:44,928 --> 00:05:46,721
- That's Dennis the dump truck.
173
00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:48,098
- Uh-huh.
174
00:05:48,139 --> 00:05:49,307
- You can't give him away.
175
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,851
- Well, it's been
in our basement for years.
176
00:05:51,893 --> 00:05:53,353
- Yeah, but I've had him
since I was a kid.
177
00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:54,604
That means a lot to me.
178
00:05:54,646 --> 00:05:56,439
- You named
your dump truck Dennis?
179
00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:58,400
- Keep my truck's name
out your mouth.
180
00:05:58,441 --> 00:06:01,361
- Oh, honey,
but you never play with it.
181
00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:02,529
- Well--well, I'm gonna--
182
00:06:02,570 --> 00:06:03,822
I'm gonna start
playing with him.
183
00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:05,365
- Oh, you're gonna start
playing with it now
184
00:06:05,407 --> 00:06:06,574
at fucking 50?
185
00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:07,992
- Yes, I'm gonna--
186
00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:09,994
I'm gonna start
playing with him all the time.
187
00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:11,329
Starting right now. See?
188
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:13,456
Vroom, vroom.
189
00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:16,292
Oh, yeah, we'll deliver
that peat moss.
190
00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:18,044
Yeah, we will.
Vroom.
191
00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:20,171
- Hey, that looks fun.
- Yeah, can we play?
192
00:06:20,213 --> 00:06:21,589
- No.
- Aw.
193
00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:22,632
- Vroom, vroom.
194
00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:24,300
- What the fuck is happening?
195
00:06:24,342 --> 00:06:26,094
- Vroom.
196
00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:27,137
Why are you still here?
197
00:06:27,178 --> 00:06:28,638
- Her flight was canceled,
198
00:06:28,680 --> 00:06:31,141
so she's staying with us
for Christmas.
199
00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:32,809
- Hang on a second.
200
00:06:32,851 --> 00:06:35,311
We got company here
for the whole holidays
201
00:06:35,353 --> 00:06:36,771
and nobody even asked me?
202
00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:39,816
- I can find somewhere else
to stay if it's a problem.
203
00:06:39,858 --> 00:06:41,192
- No.
Please, no.
204
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,694
- No.
Absolutely not.
205
00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:43,820
- Susan said it's fine.
Don't worry about him.
206
00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:45,780
- What, I don't get a say
in my own house?
207
00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:46,823
- Oh, Matty,
I think you're being
208
00:06:46,865 --> 00:06:48,783
a little silly about this.
209
00:06:48,825 --> 00:06:51,036
- Nobody ever takes my side
in this house ever!
210
00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:53,580
It's always me
against everybody else.
211
00:06:53,621 --> 00:06:54,956
- Well, maybe somebody
would take your side
212
00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:56,624
if you weren't always
spreading your shitty mood
213
00:06:56,666 --> 00:06:58,001
all over the house.
- Fine!
214
00:06:58,043 --> 00:06:59,586
Your friend can stay
for the week.
215
00:06:59,627 --> 00:07:01,421
Go have fun at church.
See? I'm nice.
216
00:07:01,463 --> 00:07:03,214
- Thank you so much,
Mr. Scrooge.
217
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:05,216
And God bless us, every one.
218
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:08,053
- Well, at least Scrooge
was a good businessman.
219
00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:10,138
- Yeah, and Tiny Tim's
condition was preexisting.
220
00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:11,765
Scrooge shouldn't have
to cover it.
221
00:07:11,806 --> 00:07:13,475
- Exactly!
- Can I play with the truck?
222
00:07:13,516 --> 00:07:15,185
- No.
- Aw.
223
00:07:15,226 --> 00:07:18,271
["Silent Night" playing
on organ]
224
00:07:18,313 --> 00:07:25,278
* *
225
00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:29,532
- * Silent night *
226
00:07:29,574 --> 00:07:34,204
* Holy night *
227
00:07:34,245 --> 00:07:38,625
* All is calm *
228
00:07:38,667 --> 00:07:43,213
* All is bright *
229
00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:47,509
- * Round yon virgin *
230
00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:52,263
* Mother and child *
231
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:55,934
* Holy infant *
232
00:07:55,975 --> 00:08:00,730
* So tender and mild *
233
00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:03,400
- Wait, who describes
an infant as mild?
234
00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:05,068
- Yeah, I'm more
hung up on tender.
235
00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:07,070
- Yeah, somebody's
eating this baby.
236
00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:09,906
- * Peace *
237
00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:14,994
* Sleep in heavenly *
238
00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:19,165
* Peace *
239
00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:21,626
- Thank you to the choir
240
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:25,046
and to Susan Bennett
for that wonderful solo.
241
00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:26,131
- Where's Matty?
242
00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:29,676
- Oh, he wasn't
feeling well today.
243
00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:31,678
- It's important
that we remember just why
244
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:33,805
we celebrate Christmas.
245
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:36,850
We observe
the holiest of all days
246
00:08:36,891 --> 00:08:41,438
to rejoice in the glory
of the birth of Jesus Christ,
247
00:08:41,479 --> 00:08:43,773
born not from the seed of man
248
00:08:43,815 --> 00:08:45,900
but from divine origin.
249
00:08:45,942 --> 00:08:49,904
Never before or since
have we, God's children,
250
00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:53,700
been blessed by such a miracle.
251
00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:55,618
- Excuse me.
252
00:08:55,660 --> 00:08:56,828
Yeah, over here.
253
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,039
Hi.
Ted, local bear.
254
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:00,874
You're talking
about a guy who came alive
255
00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:02,250
out of nowhere, right?
256
00:09:02,292 --> 00:09:03,376
- Yes.
257
00:09:03,418 --> 00:09:05,003
- Yeah, me.
258
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,212
- I'm sorry?
259
00:09:06,254 --> 00:09:08,631
- I'm just saying,
he's not the only one.
260
00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:10,884
- I don't think
that's the same thing.
261
00:09:10,925 --> 00:09:12,927
- Well, you said,
never before or since.
262
00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:16,306
But...[chuckles]
You know, this guy.
263
00:09:16,348 --> 00:09:18,892
- The birth of Christ
was a heavenly miracle.
264
00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:20,143
- I mean,
what do you call this?
265
00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:21,853
I mean, I don't see
any Pound Puppies
266
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:23,605
or Monchhichis walking around.
267
00:09:23,646 --> 00:09:26,858
- Christ's birth
was clearly ordained by God,
268
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,611
marked by the star
of Bethlehem,
269
00:09:29,652 --> 00:09:31,529
a miraculous beacon
from the heavens.
270
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:33,615
- There was a star there.
- There was a star, right?
271
00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:34,908
- Yeah, no,
it was a shooting star.
272
00:09:34,949 --> 00:09:35,950
- I had a star.
- Yeah.
273
00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:38,203
- Jesus had a divine purpose.
274
00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:41,748
God sent him to us to spread
the word that He loves us.
275
00:09:41,790 --> 00:09:43,375
- I love you.
276
00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:44,793
- Your move, Friar Tuck.
277
00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:46,252
- I just want
to finish the sermon.
278
00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:48,046
- I'm just saying,
I might be Jesus.
279
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,923
Might.
I'm not saying for sure.
280
00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:51,675
I'm just saying
it's a possibility.
281
00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:52,926
I might be Jesus.
282
00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,928
- That is incredibly
disrespectful.
283
00:09:54,969 --> 00:09:56,763
- Says the guy eating babies.
284
00:09:56,805 --> 00:09:59,432
- So third and 10.
285
00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:00,767
There he goes.
286
00:10:00,809 --> 00:10:03,812
[crowd yelling]
287
00:10:03,853 --> 00:10:04,854
[whistle blows]
288
00:10:04,896 --> 00:10:06,439
- Fucking Patriots!
289
00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:08,108
You see that, Dennis?
290
00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:09,317
[groans]
291
00:10:09,359 --> 00:10:11,069
Why couldn't I have been born
in Buffalo?
292
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:12,779
I'd be winning every year.
293
00:10:12,821 --> 00:10:15,198
God!
Buffalo has it all.
294
00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:18,410
- Let's leave something
special for Santa this year:
295
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,328
Jell-O Pudding Pops!
296
00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:21,329
children: Yay!
297
00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:22,831
- Santa's gonna love it.
298
00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:26,251
Happy holidays
from Jell-O Pudding Pops!
299
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:27,335
[TV clicks off]
300
00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:31,840
- Bet Bill Cosby's having
a good Christmas.
301
00:10:31,881 --> 00:10:34,384
Bet he doesn't have to deal
with a bunch of women
302
00:10:34,426 --> 00:10:36,219
telling him he's a jerk.
303
00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:41,933
You know, used to be, the man
of the house said his piece,
304
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:43,893
everybody just fell in line.
305
00:10:43,935 --> 00:10:46,438
Now it's like fucking
"Jerry Springer" in here.
306
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:52,068
Bet if you could talk,
you'd take my side.
307
00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:54,571
Have another beer, Matty.
You've earned it.
308
00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:56,489
Ah, well, thanks, Dennis.
309
00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:58,867
I think I will.
310
00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:02,662
And--and--and take
your socks off, Matty.
311
00:11:02,704 --> 00:11:04,330
I don't mind the smell
of your feet
312
00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:06,791
because I know that's not
something you can control.
313
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:08,460
Well, I appreciate that,
Dennis.
314
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,086
Thank you.
Thank you.
315
00:11:10,128 --> 00:11:12,339
Hey, Matty.
Yeah?
316
00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:14,341
Shouldn't there be
a White History Month too?
317
00:11:14,382 --> 00:11:18,303
Well, Dennis,
you said it, not me.
318
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:21,306
[bright music]
319
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:26,394
* *
320
00:11:26,436 --> 00:11:27,604
Ah!
321
00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:30,231
That was a hell of a floss.
322
00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:35,612
Nothing feels better
than getting stuff
323
00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:37,739
out of places, right?
324
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:42,702
Let me know when you want
to take a run
325
00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:45,080
at that ingrown hair
on my neck.
326
00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:50,585
Am I still getting
the silent treatment?
327
00:11:50,627 --> 00:11:53,672
Look, I already said
I'm sorry I missed your solo.
328
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,548
You know I can't sit on wood.
329
00:11:55,590 --> 00:11:57,258
It aggravates my hemorrhoids.
330
00:11:59,302 --> 00:12:03,098
Oh, so my hemorrhoids are
my fault, too, I guess, huh?
331
00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:06,476
It ain't the post office
down there, Susan.
332
00:12:06,518 --> 00:12:08,478
This stuff doesn't just
show up on its own.
333
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,105
There's effort involved.
334
00:12:15,318 --> 00:12:17,737
Might get one of those--
one of those doughnut pillows.
335
00:12:17,779 --> 00:12:18,863
No.
You know what?
336
00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:20,448
You don't get to hear about it.
337
00:12:22,534 --> 00:12:25,829
[whimsical music]
338
00:12:25,870 --> 00:12:32,961
* *
339
00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:43,888
[sighs]
340
00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:49,019
* *
341
00:12:49,060 --> 00:12:52,022
[dramatic music]
342
00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:59,195
* *
343
00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:14,878
[birds chirping]
344
00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:22,052
* *
345
00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:32,270
[grunts]
346
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,318
- Hey!
347
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:42,906
You wished me to life,
fuck face!
348
00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:52,540
[bright music]
349
00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:56,336
* *
350
00:13:56,378 --> 00:13:58,046
- How the hell
did this happen?
351
00:13:58,088 --> 00:13:59,839
- Just like it happened
with Ted.
352
00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:01,216
I was looking out the window.
353
00:14:01,257 --> 00:14:02,967
Shooting star flies by.
354
00:14:03,009 --> 00:14:04,010
I made a wish.
355
00:14:04,052 --> 00:14:05,220
- And here I am.
356
00:14:05,261 --> 00:14:06,429
- Is this house cursed?
357
00:14:06,471 --> 00:14:08,181
- Hey, Susan,
can I smoke in here?
358
00:14:08,223 --> 00:14:09,641
- If he smokes, I get to smoke.
359
00:14:09,683 --> 00:14:12,268
- I'm sorry, Dennis,
if I let you smoke,
360
00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:14,688
I'll have to let
all the toys smoke.
361
00:14:14,729 --> 00:14:15,730
- Yeah, fuck.
362
00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:16,856
- Hey, can I ask you something?
363
00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:18,191
How did it feel for you?
364
00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:19,484
- Yeah, one minute, nothing.
365
00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:20,610
The next, I can talk.
366
00:14:20,652 --> 00:14:22,404
- Was there a feeling
like acid reflux,
367
00:14:22,445 --> 00:14:23,363
like, right after?
368
00:14:23,405 --> 00:14:24,698
- Oh, yeah, bad.
369
00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:26,574
It also felt like I had to pee,
but I couldn't.
370
00:14:26,616 --> 00:14:27,826
- Yup.
Same here.
371
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,661
Must be what happens
when toys come to life.
372
00:14:29,703 --> 00:14:33,707
- So you just wished
for your truck to come alive?
373
00:14:33,748 --> 00:14:35,250
- Not exactly.
374
00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:36,418
I wished there was someone
in the house
375
00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:38,211
who'd back me up
in an argument.
376
00:14:38,253 --> 00:14:39,379
- Next thing I know,
I could move
377
00:14:39,421 --> 00:14:41,214
and I hated
the fucking Yankees.
378
00:14:41,256 --> 00:14:43,550
- Well, I guess
it's a Christmas miracle.
379
00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:46,136
- So, like,
were there murders here?
380
00:14:46,177 --> 00:14:47,762
Like, was a grave desecrated?
381
00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:49,347
- Jesus Christ, look at this.
Look at this.
382
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:51,808
They're giving free visas
to tech workers.
383
00:14:51,850 --> 00:14:53,810
- Oh, fucking A.
They're coming.
384
00:14:53,852 --> 00:14:55,437
- Who?
- Immigrants.
385
00:14:55,478 --> 00:14:58,398
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
Really? Him too?
386
00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:00,066
- Yeah, those
affirmative action bozos
387
00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:01,818
are probably jumping for joy.
388
00:15:01,860 --> 00:15:04,446
- No shit, watching them take
all the goddamn jobs.
389
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:05,905
- You do know
affirmative action
390
00:15:05,947 --> 00:15:08,241
isn't about taking things
away, right?
391
00:15:08,283 --> 00:15:09,451
It's about including people
392
00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:11,119
who've been
discriminated against.
393
00:15:11,161 --> 00:15:12,328
- Oh, come on!
394
00:15:12,370 --> 00:15:13,288
- Oh, here we go again
with this again.
395
00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:14,581
- What a bunch of bullshit.
396
00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:16,207
- So you're saying
we should give people jobs
397
00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:17,667
based on the color
of their skin.
398
00:15:17,709 --> 00:15:20,879
- I'm saying that things
have been unequal for centuries
399
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,422
and we should balance
the scales.
400
00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:24,007
So yeah.
401
00:15:24,049 --> 00:15:25,842
- OK, see, now, that's racist.
402
00:15:25,884 --> 00:15:26,926
- You're the one
who's defending
403
00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:28,428
a white-dominated workforce.
404
00:15:28,470 --> 00:15:29,846
- Hey, I don't care
if they're purple,
405
00:15:29,888 --> 00:15:31,389
green, or orange, all right?
406
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:33,433
I just don't want them
Black, brown, or yellow.
407
00:15:33,475 --> 00:15:35,560
- Oh, my God, dude, really?
- Whoa, Jesus, dude.
408
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:38,396
- Come on, it's a fucking joke.
Relax.
409
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:39,689
- OK, look,
brown person over here.
410
00:15:39,731 --> 00:15:42,442
Just FYI, my parents
moved here from India,
411
00:15:42,484 --> 00:15:44,152
and they built
a very successful business
412
00:15:44,194 --> 00:15:45,487
all on their own.
413
00:15:45,528 --> 00:15:47,238
And they had to work
twice as hard to do it.
414
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,074
- Business owners.
All right. OK.
415
00:15:49,115 --> 00:15:50,742
Your parents vote
for Clinton or Bush?
416
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:53,453
- Well, I mean,
they voted for Bush, but I--
417
00:15:53,495 --> 00:15:54,704
- Holy shit!
- Ah, see, there it is.
418
00:15:54,746 --> 00:15:56,081
There it is.
- Check-fucking-mate! See?
419
00:15:56,122 --> 00:15:57,290
This is why Dennis.
420
00:15:57,332 --> 00:15:59,125
This is why Dennis!
421
00:15:59,167 --> 00:16:00,627
- But I voted for Clinton.
422
00:16:00,669 --> 00:16:02,629
- You know what this is?
Fucking Republicans.
423
00:16:02,671 --> 00:16:04,756
I swear to God,
all you guys care about
424
00:16:04,798 --> 00:16:06,216
is winning the argument.
425
00:16:06,257 --> 00:16:09,052
You don't care about
actual change or justice.
426
00:16:09,094 --> 00:16:10,720
It's all about feeling
fake smart
427
00:16:10,762 --> 00:16:12,013
for, like, two seconds.
428
00:16:12,055 --> 00:16:13,181
Let me ask you this.
429
00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:14,432
What about the world
beyond you?
430
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:16,810
What about other people
and their needs?
431
00:16:16,851 --> 00:16:18,478
- Jesus, what are you
getting all mad about?
432
00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:20,480
You got two broads
on the Supreme Court now.
433
00:16:20,522 --> 00:16:22,691
You're winning.
- Yeah, there you go, right?
434
00:16:22,732 --> 00:16:24,818
- Two out of nine
is pretty darn good.
435
00:16:24,859 --> 00:16:26,236
- OK. You know what?
436
00:16:26,277 --> 00:16:27,987
I am used to taking
this crap from Matty,
437
00:16:28,029 --> 00:16:31,032
but I'm not gonna take it
from some random piece of shit
438
00:16:31,074 --> 00:16:32,450
that just came to life.
439
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,119
No offense, Ted.
- All good.
440
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:35,537
- Come on.
Let's go.
441
00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:42,085
- So we just don't care
that I'm Jesus, huh?
442
00:17:15,118 --> 00:17:17,871
- Mm.
- Oh, my God.
443
00:17:17,912 --> 00:17:19,789
- Hi.
444
00:17:19,831 --> 00:17:24,377
I was just checking to see
if you're OK after--
445
00:17:26,421 --> 00:17:28,590
Well, it looks like you're OK.
446
00:17:31,301 --> 00:17:34,095
- Wait, wait, Aunt Suze.
447
00:17:34,137 --> 00:17:36,014
There's something
you should know.
448
00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:38,183
- What?
449
00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:40,226
- Me and Sarah are--
450
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:44,481
- We're a couple, like, dating.
- Yeah.
451
00:17:45,648 --> 00:17:46,900
- No.
452
00:17:46,941 --> 00:17:49,152
both: Yeah.
- No.
453
00:17:49,194 --> 00:17:53,031
You're just very good friends.
454
00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:55,116
- No.
- No, that's not--
455
00:17:55,158 --> 00:17:56,201
what you just saw--
456
00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:57,744
- What I saw
457
00:17:57,786 --> 00:18:00,455
was you expressing
your good friendship,
458
00:18:00,497 --> 00:18:02,332
just like the girls
on the tennis team
459
00:18:02,374 --> 00:18:04,959
used to do
when I was in school.
460
00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:06,670
- You know what?
461
00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:07,796
Maybe you're right.
462
00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:09,756
Maybe that's for the best.
463
00:18:09,798 --> 00:18:12,425
We're just...
really good friends.
464
00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:14,386
- [chuckles]
Wait. What?
465
00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:16,221
- Sarah, people in this house
think Liberace
466
00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:18,348
just had a lot
of personality, OK?
467
00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:20,433
I think good friends
is as far as they're gonna go.
468
00:18:20,475 --> 00:18:23,770
- Gosh, that Liberace sure was
full of spunk, wasn't he?
469
00:18:23,812 --> 00:18:25,730
- Blaire, no, OK?
470
00:18:25,772 --> 00:18:26,731
I'm tired of this.
471
00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:28,108
We keep hiding it
everywhere we go.
472
00:18:28,149 --> 00:18:29,734
- I know.
- It's bullshit.
473
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:31,069
- OK, well, you think
my uncle's gonna be cool
474
00:18:31,111 --> 00:18:32,153
with this?
- Oh, come on.
475
00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:33,321
- Especially
with Dennis around?
476
00:18:33,363 --> 00:18:34,739
- Who gives a fuck
what he thinks?
477
00:18:34,781 --> 00:18:37,117
And why should I care
what a fucking toy dump truck
478
00:18:37,158 --> 00:18:39,285
thinks about my sexuality?
479
00:18:39,327 --> 00:18:40,870
- There's a sentence
you don't hear every day.
480
00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:42,539
- Wouldn't it be easier
to just tell them
481
00:18:42,580 --> 00:18:43,790
we're more than good friends?
482
00:18:43,832 --> 00:18:47,711
- I really think
that if we just take a minute,
483
00:18:47,752 --> 00:18:49,713
we'd be saving ourselves
a lot of stress,
484
00:18:49,754 --> 00:18:51,965
all right,
at least till after Christmas.
485
00:18:52,007 --> 00:18:55,844
- We have very little going on
January 3rd.
486
00:18:55,885 --> 00:18:56,886
- Great.
487
00:18:56,928 --> 00:18:58,054
Yeah, that works.
488
00:18:58,096 --> 00:18:59,514
- All right.
- Thank you, Suze.
489
00:19:02,392 --> 00:19:06,187
- January 3rd,
put it on the calendar.
490
00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:17,866
- [sighs]
491
00:19:20,035 --> 00:19:22,328
Oh, my God, did I tell you
somebody broke into my car
492
00:19:22,370 --> 00:19:23,955
and whacked off
on the dashboard?
493
00:19:23,997 --> 00:19:25,665
- Yes, like, 50 fucking times.
494
00:19:25,707 --> 00:19:27,959
- Right.
Fuck, Sarah, it's the holidays.
495
00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:29,377
Can we not turn on each other?
496
00:19:29,419 --> 00:19:30,837
- Fine.
Let me braid your hair.
497
00:19:30,879 --> 00:19:32,213
- Thank you.
498
00:19:35,467 --> 00:19:37,010
- OK, we can't read
this whole thing.
499
00:19:37,052 --> 00:19:39,095
- Well, if we're gonna figure
out if I'm actually Jesus,
500
00:19:39,137 --> 00:19:40,347
we at least got to skim it.
501
00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:42,724
- I have never
seen pages so thin.
502
00:19:42,766 --> 00:19:43,933
- I know.
503
00:19:43,975 --> 00:19:45,643
It's like Kleenex
with boring stories on it.
504
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:46,770
- You know, I was thinking.
505
00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:48,980
How do we know
that Dennis isn't Jesus?
506
00:19:49,022 --> 00:19:50,982
- Johnny, Jesus walked
on water, all right?
507
00:19:51,024 --> 00:19:52,233
Walked!
508
00:19:52,275 --> 00:19:53,318
That means he had feet,
not wheels.
509
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:54,986
- Yeah, that makes sense.
510
00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:57,447
- Oh, wait, hang on.
Stop right there.
511
00:19:57,489 --> 00:19:58,448
Look, look, look.
512
00:19:58,490 --> 00:20:00,533
Matthew 21:31,
513
00:20:00,575 --> 00:20:02,369
"Truly I say to you,
514
00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:04,371
"the tax collectors
and prostitutes
515
00:20:04,412 --> 00:20:06,414
go into the kingdom of heaven
before you."
516
00:20:06,456 --> 00:20:07,540
Look at that.
517
00:20:07,582 --> 00:20:08,958
Jesus hangs out with hookers.
518
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:10,502
- Yeah, and he says
there's hookers in heaven too.
519
00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:11,836
He sounds a lot like you.
520
00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:13,797
- Oh, yeah, heaven is probably
mostly hookers.
521
00:20:13,838 --> 00:20:15,548
- Wait, so you're paying
for sex in heaven?
522
00:20:15,590 --> 00:20:16,716
- You're not paying them
for sex.
523
00:20:16,758 --> 00:20:18,176
You're paying them to fly away.
524
00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:19,177
- Oh.
525
00:20:19,219 --> 00:20:20,428
Let's see.
526
00:20:21,596 --> 00:20:23,556
"And behold, I come quickly,
527
00:20:23,598 --> 00:20:25,934
and my reward
is with me to give"--
528
00:20:25,975 --> 00:20:27,394
- What was that first part?
529
00:20:27,435 --> 00:20:29,396
- "Behold, I come quickly."
530
00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:31,189
- Jesus said that?
- Yeah.
531
00:20:31,231 --> 00:20:34,150
- Yeah, that's not the kind of
thing I'd start with "behold."
532
00:20:34,192 --> 00:20:36,528
What else?
533
00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:38,238
Well, look, look, look.
Right there. Right there.
534
00:20:38,279 --> 00:20:39,739
John the apostle.
535
00:20:39,781 --> 00:20:41,825
Jesus had an apostle
named John.
536
00:20:41,866 --> 00:20:42,909
- Holy shit.
537
00:20:42,951 --> 00:20:44,661
Those were, like,
his buddies, right?
538
00:20:44,703 --> 00:20:46,830
- Yeah, yeah, there was
Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey,
539
00:20:46,871 --> 00:20:48,206
Johnny, Blitzen,
540
00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:50,041
and Larry, Darryl, and Darryl.
541
00:20:50,083 --> 00:20:51,292
There's no doubt anymore.
542
00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:52,877
I'm the Lord Jesus Christ.
543
00:20:52,919 --> 00:20:54,170
- Holy shit.
544
00:20:54,212 --> 00:20:55,964
Does this mean you have,
like, powers and stuff?
545
00:20:56,006 --> 00:20:58,049
- Yeah, but I probably
got to learn how to use them.
546
00:20:58,091 --> 00:20:59,509
Flip to the spells.
547
00:20:59,551 --> 00:21:01,052
- OK, spells, spells, spells.
- Spells, spells, spells.
548
00:21:01,094 --> 00:21:02,262
Wonder what my alignment is.
549
00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:04,264
- Chaotic good.
- Ah, yeah, yeah.
550
00:21:04,305 --> 00:21:05,473
Good, but, like,
you know, I might
551
00:21:05,515 --> 00:21:06,975
fuck around a little bit.
- Yeah.
552
00:21:07,017 --> 00:21:09,019
- Shit, we supposed
to have dice?
553
00:21:09,060 --> 00:21:12,022
[light music]
554
00:21:12,063 --> 00:21:13,857
* *
555
00:21:13,898 --> 00:21:16,192
- Hey, Matty, a Jew,
a Polack,
556
00:21:16,234 --> 00:21:17,861
and a Black guy
walk into a bar--
557
00:21:17,902 --> 00:21:19,529
- Oh, my fucking God. Really?
- Wow.
558
00:21:19,571 --> 00:21:21,114
- Hey, watch the language.
559
00:21:21,156 --> 00:21:22,282
- Tell your stupid truck that.
560
00:21:22,323 --> 00:21:23,950
He's telling racist jokes.
561
00:21:23,992 --> 00:21:25,326
- I'm not racist.
562
00:21:25,368 --> 00:21:26,619
The punch line wasn't gonna be
about the Black guy.
563
00:21:26,661 --> 00:21:27,912
It was gonna be
about the Jew...
564
00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:30,081
and, to a lesser extent,
about the Polack
565
00:21:30,123 --> 00:21:32,208
and a little bit
about the Black guy's penis.
566
00:21:32,250 --> 00:21:33,752
- See?
- The point is,
567
00:21:33,793 --> 00:21:36,087
none of them knew how deep
the water was.
568
00:21:36,129 --> 00:21:37,922
Ow! Hey!
This is assault!
569
00:21:37,964 --> 00:21:39,257
I'm being assaulted here!
570
00:21:39,299 --> 00:21:41,134
So much
for the nonviolent left.
571
00:21:41,176 --> 00:21:42,469
- It's Christmas Eve.
572
00:21:42,510 --> 00:21:44,429
Can't we just have
a nice dinner together?
573
00:21:44,471 --> 00:21:45,889
- Yes, we can.
574
00:21:45,930 --> 00:21:47,182
It's a beautiful ham,
Aunt Susan.
575
00:21:47,223 --> 00:21:48,475
- Thank you.
576
00:21:48,516 --> 00:21:50,393
- Yeah, everything looks
really great.
577
00:21:50,435 --> 00:21:51,811
- Thank you, girls.
Thank you.
578
00:21:51,853 --> 00:21:53,104
- You want some of this?
- Yes, please.
579
00:21:53,146 --> 00:21:54,272
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!
580
00:21:54,314 --> 00:21:55,357
- What? What? What?
581
00:21:55,398 --> 00:21:56,649
- It's Christmas Eve.
582
00:21:56,691 --> 00:21:58,818
We got to say grace,
thank the Lord.
583
00:21:58,860 --> 00:22:00,779
- You're welcome.
- [sighs] Fine.
584
00:22:00,820 --> 00:22:02,530
- Dennis, would you like
to do the honors?
585
00:22:02,572 --> 00:22:04,532
- Absolutely.
Bow your heads.
586
00:22:06,076 --> 00:22:07,243
- Dear Lord...
- Yes.
587
00:22:07,285 --> 00:22:08,870
- Thank you for this food...
- No problem.
588
00:22:08,912 --> 00:22:10,413
- And for these blessings...
- Anytime.
589
00:22:10,455 --> 00:22:11,581
- Make us thankful.
- On it.
590
00:22:11,623 --> 00:22:13,416
- And may we serve you--
- Mashed potatoes.
591
00:22:13,458 --> 00:22:15,251
- What the fuck?
You want to say grace?
592
00:22:15,293 --> 00:22:16,378
- Nah, I'd feel
like an asshole.
593
00:22:16,419 --> 00:22:17,671
- Amen.
594
00:22:17,712 --> 00:22:19,964
Oh, that was
just beautiful, Dennis.
595
00:22:20,006 --> 00:22:21,341
- Now you can eat.
596
00:22:21,383 --> 00:22:23,134
- Oh, yeah, thank you so much
for your permission.
597
00:22:23,176 --> 00:22:25,428
- Hey, you know,
I hope the PC thought police
598
00:22:25,470 --> 00:22:27,180
over at that college
don't kick you out
599
00:22:27,222 --> 00:22:28,556
for praying to Jesus.
600
00:22:28,598 --> 00:22:29,891
- You know,
70% of the world
601
00:22:29,933 --> 00:22:31,685
doesn't even believe
in Jesus.
602
00:22:31,726 --> 00:22:33,478
- I'll get them.
- Yeah, those are
603
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:35,313
all the starving countries
with no food.
604
00:22:35,355 --> 00:22:38,817
- Oh, so God loves Americans
more, is that the theory?
605
00:22:38,858 --> 00:22:40,694
- Yeah, not for long
if Slick Willy
606
00:22:40,735 --> 00:22:42,946
fucks things up by putting gays
in the military.
607
00:22:42,987 --> 00:22:45,073
For God's sake,
what would Reagan say?
608
00:22:45,115 --> 00:22:46,282
- [scoffs] Right now?
609
00:22:46,324 --> 00:22:47,867
Probably something
about choo-choo trains.
610
00:22:47,909 --> 00:22:50,161
- Would anyone like
some mushroom caps?
611
00:22:50,203 --> 00:22:52,414
- Uncle Matty, do you agree
with Dennis
612
00:22:52,455 --> 00:22:54,124
that gay people
shouldn't serve?
613
00:22:54,165 --> 00:22:55,375
- I think it's a bad idea.
614
00:22:55,417 --> 00:22:56,418
- Why?
615
00:22:56,459 --> 00:22:57,711
- You want to put a gay guy
616
00:22:57,752 --> 00:22:59,838
in a barracks
with 20 regular guys?
617
00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:01,715
What happens
when they all got to shower?
618
00:23:01,756 --> 00:23:03,550
- I don't know, Matty.
What happens?
619
00:23:03,591 --> 00:23:04,759
- Plus, the Bible says
620
00:23:04,801 --> 00:23:06,469
no butt stuff,
or you go to hell.
621
00:23:06,511 --> 00:23:08,054
- Hey, where's
the spell section?
622
00:23:08,096 --> 00:23:09,723
- So it's immoral too?
623
00:23:09,764 --> 00:23:11,349
Gay people
should all go to hell,
624
00:23:11,391 --> 00:23:12,642
that's what you think?
625
00:23:12,684 --> 00:23:14,144
- Listen, I don't care!
626
00:23:14,185 --> 00:23:16,271
Anybody can stick anything
anywhere they want,
627
00:23:16,312 --> 00:23:19,107
as long as it's not in the army
and not in my house.
628
00:23:19,149 --> 00:23:21,735
- Well, then I guess Sarah
and I aren't welcome here.
629
00:23:22,777 --> 00:23:23,987
- What do you mean?
630
00:23:25,822 --> 00:23:27,741
- Sarah and I are a couple.
631
00:23:27,782 --> 00:23:30,076
- Called it, Johnny.
- Motherfucker.
632
00:23:30,118 --> 00:23:33,163
- Blaire, I thought we were
gonna do this on January 3rd.
633
00:23:33,204 --> 00:23:34,998
- Wait a minute.
634
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:37,125
You--the two of you?
635
00:23:37,167 --> 00:23:38,835
- Oh, my God.
- Mm.
636
00:23:38,877 --> 00:23:40,211
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!
637
00:23:40,253 --> 00:23:41,588
- What the fuck is this?
638
00:23:41,629 --> 00:23:43,131
- What are you
gonna do about it?
639
00:23:43,173 --> 00:23:44,507
- You're gay?
640
00:23:44,549 --> 00:23:46,718
- Fluid.
- What the hell does that mean?
641
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:49,429
- It means that I'm attracted
to personalities
642
00:23:49,471 --> 00:23:50,597
regardless of their gender.
643
00:23:50,638 --> 00:23:52,682
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
644
00:23:52,724 --> 00:23:54,100
- You're attracted
to personalities,
645
00:23:54,142 --> 00:23:55,268
and you picked her?
646
00:23:55,310 --> 00:23:56,353
- Hey!
- Oh, fuck you.
647
00:23:56,394 --> 00:23:57,437
You've met six people.
648
00:23:57,479 --> 00:23:58,605
- It's that college.
649
00:23:58,646 --> 00:24:00,607
- It's that college!
- Oh, my God.
650
00:24:00,648 --> 00:24:01,775
- Susan, what am I
always saying?
651
00:24:01,816 --> 00:24:03,443
- College turns people gay.
652
00:24:03,485 --> 00:24:04,569
- College
turns people gay.
653
00:24:04,611 --> 00:24:06,154
Absolutely right!
654
00:24:06,196 --> 00:24:08,656
Out there on the lawn
every weekend,
655
00:24:08,698 --> 00:24:10,325
tossing the Frisbee around.
656
00:24:10,367 --> 00:24:12,118
- How the fuck is Frisbee gay?
657
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:13,620
- It's a sport
where nobody wins.
658
00:24:13,661 --> 00:24:15,038
- It's only about the fun.
659
00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:16,206
- So what?
660
00:24:16,247 --> 00:24:17,415
- And what's this?
661
00:24:17,457 --> 00:24:19,334
What's this, doing this
all the time, huh?
662
00:24:19,376 --> 00:24:20,710
That's not a man's sport.
663
00:24:20,752 --> 00:24:22,253
- You might as well
be on a balcony
664
00:24:22,295 --> 00:24:23,630
waving goodbye to your lover.
665
00:24:23,672 --> 00:24:25,048
- Making those clap catches,
666
00:24:25,090 --> 00:24:26,675
like you're front row
at Elton John.
667
00:24:26,716 --> 00:24:28,301
- Oh, the clap catch.
668
00:24:28,343 --> 00:24:30,553
- Yeah, clap catching
your Wham-O Frisbee.
669
00:24:30,595 --> 00:24:31,721
- You know
why it's called Wham-O?
670
00:24:31,763 --> 00:24:33,431
You turn around,
you bend over to pick up
671
00:24:33,473 --> 00:24:34,641
up your Frisbee,
and wham-o!
672
00:24:34,683 --> 00:24:35,934
- Oh, you know what?
673
00:24:35,975 --> 00:24:37,519
You wish you were a Frisbee,
you little shit.
674
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:39,938
And I'm so sorry
that our sexual orientation
675
00:24:39,979 --> 00:24:41,815
is so offensive to everyone.
676
00:24:41,856 --> 00:24:43,316
Merry fucking Christmas.
677
00:24:43,358 --> 00:24:44,317
Come on, Sarah.
678
00:24:44,359 --> 00:24:45,443
- Blaire.
679
00:24:45,485 --> 00:24:46,444
Blaire, honey, wait.
680
00:24:46,486 --> 00:24:47,696
- Thank you.
681
00:24:48,697 --> 00:24:50,782
- Matty, please
apologize to her.
682
00:24:50,824 --> 00:24:52,951
- Me?
- Yes, you.
683
00:24:52,992 --> 00:24:55,036
- She should be
apologizing to God.
684
00:24:55,078 --> 00:24:56,496
- Oh, he says it's fine.
No worries.
685
00:24:56,538 --> 00:24:57,997
- But it's the holidays.
686
00:24:58,039 --> 00:24:59,791
- I'm not gonna
apologize to her!
687
00:24:59,833 --> 00:25:02,460
She just made a spectacle
in front of the entire family
688
00:25:02,502 --> 00:25:04,254
and in front of the ham!
689
00:25:04,295 --> 00:25:05,714
- Well, you know what?
690
00:25:05,755 --> 00:25:07,882
This is my ham, and you're not
having a piece of the ham
691
00:25:07,924 --> 00:25:09,300
until you say you're sorry.
692
00:25:09,342 --> 00:25:11,052
- You know what?
I don't need any ham!
693
00:25:11,094 --> 00:25:13,596
I got all the Slim Jims I need
in the basement!
694
00:25:13,638 --> 00:25:15,306
Come on, Dennis.
- Good call, Buddy.
695
00:25:18,685 --> 00:25:21,688
- All I wanted
was a nice Christmas.
696
00:25:25,984 --> 00:25:28,695
- OK, what do you say we try
one of them spells, huh?
697
00:25:28,737 --> 00:25:30,572
Water into wine, here we go.
698
00:25:30,613 --> 00:25:33,033
Meka leka hi,
meka hiney ho.
699
00:25:33,074 --> 00:25:35,660
Meka leka hi,
meka chiney ho.
700
00:25:35,702 --> 00:25:37,746
All right, try it.
701
00:25:41,916 --> 00:25:43,710
- Still water.
- Fuck!
702
00:25:43,752 --> 00:25:44,878
Oh, you know what?
703
00:25:44,919 --> 00:25:46,254
It's 'cause
we don't have the wand.
704
00:25:50,592 --> 00:25:53,636
[soft music]
705
00:25:53,678 --> 00:25:59,267
* *
706
00:26:01,478 --> 00:26:03,980
[knock at door]
- [sighs]
707
00:26:04,022 --> 00:26:04,939
What?
708
00:26:06,566 --> 00:26:08,485
- Hey, we brought you
some ham
709
00:26:08,526 --> 00:26:09,778
in case you're still hungry.
710
00:26:10,570 --> 00:26:12,614
- Where is it?
- Oh.
711
00:26:15,116 --> 00:26:17,869
- Yeah, it's touching
a five, so...
712
00:26:17,911 --> 00:26:18,995
- Oh, look at that.
713
00:26:19,037 --> 00:26:20,830
- [grunts]
What do you guys want?
714
00:26:20,872 --> 00:26:22,624
- We just wanted
to see how you're doing.
715
00:26:22,665 --> 00:26:24,668
- Shitty.
- Wait, you're leaving?
716
00:26:24,709 --> 00:26:26,294
- Yeah, I thought
I'd go somewhere
717
00:26:26,336 --> 00:26:27,754
a little more tolerant,
718
00:26:27,796 --> 00:26:29,756
like Iran.
719
00:26:29,798 --> 00:26:31,925
- Listen, Blaire,
720
00:26:31,966 --> 00:26:33,259
we just wanted to say,
you know,
721
00:26:33,301 --> 00:26:36,096
Teddy and I are totally cool
with you being--
722
00:26:36,137 --> 00:26:39,015
you know, just in case
you were wondering.
723
00:26:39,057 --> 00:26:41,017
- I don't need your approval.
724
00:26:41,059 --> 00:26:42,352
- No.
Yeah, I know that, but--
725
00:26:42,394 --> 00:26:45,855
- No, I--sorry,
I get what you meant.
726
00:26:45,897 --> 00:26:47,607
Thanks.
- Cool.
727
00:26:47,649 --> 00:26:48,942
I mean, we love lesbians.
728
00:26:48,983 --> 00:26:50,235
- Yeah, like, a lot.
729
00:26:50,276 --> 00:26:52,278
Like, we found some magazines
in the woods--
730
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,406
- I get it.
731
00:26:54,447 --> 00:26:57,367
- Question--and I hope
I'm not out of line here--
732
00:26:57,409 --> 00:26:59,744
but is it 'cause--
733
00:26:59,786 --> 00:27:02,831
I mean, did you get a bad dick?
734
00:27:02,872 --> 00:27:05,208
- Yeah, that's not
how it works.
735
00:27:05,250 --> 00:27:07,794
Look, I'm not 100%
one way or the other.
736
00:27:07,836 --> 00:27:11,339
I just--I'm attracted
to who I'm attracted to.
737
00:27:11,381 --> 00:27:13,967
Also, I got a bad dick.
[laughter]
738
00:27:14,009 --> 00:27:15,135
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, that's awesome.
739
00:27:15,176 --> 00:27:16,761
That's awesome.
- Ah, no.
740
00:27:16,803 --> 00:27:19,139
That's just a comedy freebie
for you guys.
741
00:27:19,180 --> 00:27:21,016
It's bullshit, all right?
- Thank you.
742
00:27:21,057 --> 00:27:22,600
Thank you
for the Christmas dick joke.
743
00:27:22,642 --> 00:27:24,060
- [groans]
744
00:27:24,102 --> 00:27:25,520
Shit.
745
00:27:25,562 --> 00:27:27,272
I mean, how the fuck
am I supposed to share a house
746
00:27:27,313 --> 00:27:28,815
with somebody
who treats me like
747
00:27:28,857 --> 00:27:31,401
I have some fucking disease?
748
00:27:31,443 --> 00:27:33,653
Guess there's no chance
he's gonna apologize.
749
00:27:33,695 --> 00:27:34,863
- You know, if I can offer
750
00:27:34,904 --> 00:27:36,823
a bit of Christly wisdom,
Blaire?
751
00:27:36,865 --> 00:27:39,325
You're smarter than he is,
752
00:27:39,367 --> 00:27:41,828
so you might have
to go talk to him.
753
00:27:41,870 --> 00:27:43,955
- Oh, fuck that.
754
00:27:43,997 --> 00:27:45,999
I am not extending
an olive branch to somebody
755
00:27:46,041 --> 00:27:47,876
who's against basic equality.
756
00:27:47,917 --> 00:27:49,169
- Well, that's
the thing, Blaire.
757
00:27:49,210 --> 00:27:51,171
I don't think he's really
even against anything.
758
00:27:51,212 --> 00:27:52,422
Think he just didn't want
to look stupid
759
00:27:52,464 --> 00:27:53,590
in front of his truck.
760
00:27:53,631 --> 00:27:55,508
- [scoffs]
Listen to yourself!
761
00:27:55,550 --> 00:27:56,760
- OK, then don't do it for Dad.
762
00:27:56,801 --> 00:27:58,178
Do it for Mom.
763
00:27:58,219 --> 00:27:59,971
Look, she's really
bummed out right now,
764
00:28:00,013 --> 00:28:02,015
and it's all just 'cause
Christmas is messed up.
765
00:28:02,057 --> 00:28:03,933
Look, I know
it's gonna suck, but--
766
00:28:03,975 --> 00:28:06,353
- But it's like I say
in the book of Romulans:
767
00:28:06,394 --> 00:28:07,645
turn the other cheek.
768
00:28:07,687 --> 00:28:09,356
Do unto others.
769
00:28:09,397 --> 00:28:11,441
Say it, don't spray it.
770
00:28:11,483 --> 00:28:12,692
I'll have what she's having.
771
00:28:12,734 --> 00:28:13,902
- You're an idiot.
772
00:28:13,943 --> 00:28:16,029
- Oh, what do we say
to that, Apostle?
773
00:28:16,071 --> 00:28:17,906
- Four hell points.
- Four hell points.
774
00:28:17,947 --> 00:28:19,491
- What the fuck
is a hell point?
775
00:28:19,532 --> 00:28:21,785
- It's how I determine which
of my children, who I love,
776
00:28:21,826 --> 00:28:23,244
will be tortured forever.
777
00:28:23,286 --> 00:28:25,789
- Oh, God.
778
00:28:25,830 --> 00:28:28,541
Ugh, all right,
all right, I'll--
779
00:28:28,583 --> 00:28:30,085
I'll talk to him.
780
00:28:31,378 --> 00:28:32,796
- Usually a day or two
in traction--
781
00:28:32,837 --> 00:28:34,547
- Now, wait a minute, Frank,
I'm the doctor here.
782
00:28:34,589 --> 00:28:36,466
- I thought
I was the doctor here.
783
00:28:36,508 --> 00:28:37,926
- Actually,
we're all doctors here.
784
00:28:37,967 --> 00:28:39,344
Even the patient's
a doctor here.
785
00:28:39,386 --> 00:28:41,221
- Hear, hear.
786
00:28:41,262 --> 00:28:43,515
- Will you clowns
act like professionals?
787
00:28:43,556 --> 00:28:44,766
- All right, I got one for you.
788
00:28:44,808 --> 00:28:46,685
So an airplane's
about to crash, right?
789
00:28:46,726 --> 00:28:49,562
A woman stands up, takes off
her clothes, and yells,
790
00:28:49,604 --> 00:28:50,772
we're all gonna die!
791
00:28:50,814 --> 00:28:52,649
Someone make me feel
like a real woman!
792
00:28:52,691 --> 00:28:54,609
The guy sitting next to her
takes off his shirt,
793
00:28:54,651 --> 00:28:56,569
and he says, here, iron this.
794
00:28:56,611 --> 00:28:58,905
- [cackles]
- Right?
795
00:28:58,947 --> 00:29:00,907
Yeah, right.
- That's a good one.
796
00:29:00,949 --> 00:29:03,410
- Yeah, see, that's how
it's gonna be down here.
797
00:29:03,451 --> 00:29:06,246
Just you and me and jokes
about chicks doing chores.
798
00:29:06,287 --> 00:29:07,539
- Matty?
799
00:29:07,580 --> 00:29:10,583
- Oh, boy, here comes
Raggedy Lesbi-Ann.
800
00:29:10,625 --> 00:29:13,712
- [sighs] Dennis, I'd like
to talk to my uncle.
801
00:29:13,753 --> 00:29:14,921
Can you give us a second?
802
00:29:14,963 --> 00:29:16,756
- Hey, anything
you want to say to me,
803
00:29:16,798 --> 00:29:18,466
you can say
in front of Dennis here.
804
00:29:18,508 --> 00:29:21,052
- [sighs] Fine.
805
00:29:22,512 --> 00:29:26,808
Look, I don't expect us to
agree on politics, all right?
806
00:29:26,850 --> 00:29:28,935
That's just never gonna happen.
807
00:29:28,977 --> 00:29:31,563
But this isn't about politics.
808
00:29:31,604 --> 00:29:33,481
This is about who I am.
809
00:29:36,651 --> 00:29:38,820
Matty...
810
00:29:38,862 --> 00:29:41,781
like it or not,
we're family.
811
00:29:41,823 --> 00:29:43,283
I don't talk to my parents
anymore,
812
00:29:43,324 --> 00:29:45,785
so you and Aunt Suze
are all I've got.
813
00:29:45,827 --> 00:29:48,246
I don't want to lose you too.
814
00:29:48,288 --> 00:29:50,498
I'm your niece, and I just--
815
00:29:54,085 --> 00:29:56,171
I just think
it's really fucking shitty
816
00:29:56,212 --> 00:29:59,591
and unfair that you can't
accept me for who I am.
817
00:29:59,632 --> 00:30:03,011
- Hey, it's Christmas Eve,
not Christmas Steve.
818
00:30:04,179 --> 00:30:06,056
- So all the fucked-up things
that he says,
819
00:30:06,097 --> 00:30:08,683
is that really
what you think too?
820
00:30:09,517 --> 00:30:12,270
- Don't back down, Matty.
This is your house.
821
00:30:14,814 --> 00:30:16,733
- Well, then I guess
you're an intolerant prick,
822
00:30:16,775 --> 00:30:18,610
just like he is.
823
00:30:18,651 --> 00:30:20,904
Have a good Christmas
with truck Hitler.
824
00:30:20,945 --> 00:30:22,197
I'm out of here.
825
00:30:26,117 --> 00:30:27,786
- Jesus, they always
bring up Hitler
826
00:30:27,827 --> 00:30:29,371
when they're losing
an argument.
827
00:30:29,412 --> 00:30:32,040
And by the way,
not everything he did was--
828
00:30:32,082 --> 00:30:33,792
- I need another beer.
829
00:30:33,833 --> 00:30:35,585
- Why didn't you tell her off?
830
00:30:35,627 --> 00:30:37,504
- What the hell
was I supposed to say?
831
00:30:37,545 --> 00:30:40,090
- You remind her who pays
the bills around here.
832
00:30:40,131 --> 00:30:42,175
You tell her to stop
giving God the finger.
833
00:30:42,217 --> 00:30:44,010
- Ah.
You don't know nothing.
834
00:30:44,052 --> 00:30:45,345
- Oh, no shit?
835
00:30:45,387 --> 00:30:47,806
Well, now I see
why Johnny's the way he is.
836
00:30:47,847 --> 00:30:49,391
- What do you mean?
837
00:30:49,432 --> 00:30:50,767
- Your son is 16.
838
00:30:50,809 --> 00:30:52,769
He ain't got a girlfriend.
He doesn't play sports.
839
00:30:52,811 --> 00:30:54,854
He spends all of his time
in his room with a teddy bear
840
00:30:54,896 --> 00:30:56,314
doing fuck knows what.
841
00:30:56,356 --> 00:30:57,899
For all you know, he's minty.
842
00:30:57,941 --> 00:30:59,025
- Minty?
843
00:30:59,067 --> 00:31:00,360
What the fuck is minty?
844
00:31:00,402 --> 00:31:02,779
- You know, he's trimming
the crust off the bread.
845
00:31:02,821 --> 00:31:03,863
- What?
846
00:31:03,905 --> 00:31:05,115
- He's raking his leaves
at night.
847
00:31:05,156 --> 00:31:06,866
He ain't throwing away
all his peach pits,
848
00:31:06,908 --> 00:31:07,951
if you know what I'm saying.
849
00:31:07,992 --> 00:31:09,369
- I don't have a fucking clue.
850
00:31:09,411 --> 00:31:11,705
- He's picking his eggshells
out of the compost.
851
00:31:11,746 --> 00:31:12,914
Come on, you know what I mean.
852
00:31:12,956 --> 00:31:14,374
Your kid's a cheese puncher.
853
00:31:14,416 --> 00:31:17,335
- Hey, don't talk to me
about my son, you asshole!
854
00:31:17,377 --> 00:31:19,254
- Whoa, whoa, hey, hey,
I'm the only one in this house
855
00:31:19,295 --> 00:31:20,797
who doesn't lie to you.
856
00:31:20,839 --> 00:31:23,925
[indistinct chatter over TV]
857
00:31:28,179 --> 00:31:29,597
- I know what I'm gonna do.
858
00:31:29,639 --> 00:31:30,557
- Great. Let's go.
859
00:31:30,598 --> 00:31:31,641
- You stay here.
860
00:31:35,437 --> 00:31:38,064
- Hey, can you change
the channel to the game?
861
00:31:41,151 --> 00:31:42,777
Ah, look at this.
862
00:31:42,819 --> 00:31:44,362
Fucking Clinton.
863
00:31:46,823 --> 00:31:48,742
- You guys in separate beds?
864
00:31:48,783 --> 00:31:49,743
- Yeah.
865
00:31:49,784 --> 00:31:51,036
- Good.
866
00:32:09,387 --> 00:32:11,473
[sighs]
867
00:32:20,231 --> 00:32:21,649
[engine grinding]
868
00:32:36,456 --> 00:32:37,582
- What?
869
00:32:42,712 --> 00:32:45,256
- I grew up different.
870
00:32:48,551 --> 00:32:50,303
I'm--
871
00:32:50,345 --> 00:32:53,139
but I'm not
one of those guys.
872
00:32:54,849 --> 00:32:58,895
I mean, I don't understand
how you can do what you do...
873
00:32:58,937 --> 00:33:01,356
- OK.
- But--but--but...
874
00:33:06,611 --> 00:33:11,032
I don't want you
to feel unwelcome in my house.
875
00:33:12,117 --> 00:33:13,660
- Uh-huh.
876
00:33:16,121 --> 00:33:18,206
- I'm not great
with this stuff.
877
00:33:19,582 --> 00:33:21,459
But...
878
00:33:22,544 --> 00:33:24,963
It's good
that you're here--
879
00:33:25,005 --> 00:33:26,381
for John.
880
00:33:27,549 --> 00:33:29,217
- Sure.
881
00:33:31,011 --> 00:33:35,181
- The other day, I farted,
and he said it was pungent.
882
00:33:35,223 --> 00:33:38,184
And I guess that's a word.
883
00:33:38,226 --> 00:33:41,521
So he's learning stuff
884
00:33:41,563 --> 00:33:43,064
with you around.
885
00:33:48,611 --> 00:33:51,197
And Christmas is just
a whole thing for Susan too.
886
00:33:51,239 --> 00:33:54,325
So yeah, she wants you here.
887
00:34:01,458 --> 00:34:03,501
And I--
888
00:34:03,543 --> 00:34:06,629
I don't want to be
a shitty uncle.
889
00:34:06,671 --> 00:34:08,423
I'm sorry.
890
00:34:16,681 --> 00:34:20,560
- I'm not the only one
you disrespected.
891
00:34:25,106 --> 00:34:27,233
- Sarah...
892
00:34:27,275 --> 00:34:29,611
you're invited to Christmas.
893
00:34:31,321 --> 00:34:34,240
And I'm sorry that I
called you a terrorist.
894
00:34:34,282 --> 00:34:37,577
- You--you never
called me that.
895
00:34:37,619 --> 00:34:39,871
- Oh, that's right.
You were out of the room.
896
00:34:39,913 --> 00:34:41,831
- [sighs]
897
00:34:41,873 --> 00:34:43,625
Well, what about Dennis?
898
00:34:49,881 --> 00:34:51,716
- I guess he's got to go.
899
00:34:54,302 --> 00:34:56,763
- Son of a bitch.
900
00:35:03,561 --> 00:35:04,562
- Hey.
901
00:35:04,604 --> 00:35:05,814
Dennis?
902
00:35:07,190 --> 00:35:08,775
[shouts]
903
00:35:08,817 --> 00:35:10,068
[grunts]
904
00:35:10,110 --> 00:35:11,778
[yells]
905
00:35:11,820 --> 00:35:13,279
- I'm the one
you're gonna get rid of,
906
00:35:13,321 --> 00:35:14,739
you piece-of-shit fuck face?
907
00:35:14,781 --> 00:35:17,617
- Jesus, what the fuck
are you trying to do, kill me?
908
00:35:17,659 --> 00:35:20,412
- I come to life for you,
and this is the thanks I get?
909
00:35:20,453 --> 00:35:21,871
Huh?
- [grunts]
910
00:35:21,913 --> 00:35:24,124
- What have you got
to say for yourself?
911
00:35:24,165 --> 00:35:26,042
- I don't want
to kick you out, Dennis,
912
00:35:26,084 --> 00:35:27,419
but my family comes first!
913
00:35:27,460 --> 00:35:29,629
- Oh, come the fuck on.
914
00:35:30,296 --> 00:35:32,507
- It ain't worked out with you
the way I thought it would.
915
00:35:32,549 --> 00:35:35,468
- I backed you up every time,
just like you wanted.
916
00:35:35,510 --> 00:35:38,013
- I didn't want to make
my niece cry, for God's sakes.
917
00:35:38,054 --> 00:35:39,389
Why you got to be such a prick?
918
00:35:39,431 --> 00:35:41,057
- Oh, what,
so now you're on her side?
919
00:35:41,099 --> 00:35:42,642
- I'm not on anybody's side.
920
00:35:42,684 --> 00:35:46,438
But...she's not hurting
anybody, God damn it.
921
00:35:46,479 --> 00:35:47,981
- It's hurting society.
922
00:35:48,023 --> 00:35:50,984
This is why Kennedy blew
his own brains out in Dallas.
923
00:35:51,026 --> 00:35:52,193
- What the fuck?
924
00:35:52,235 --> 00:35:53,486
- Oh, don't be naive.
925
00:35:53,528 --> 00:35:54,738
- What the hell
is your problem?
926
00:35:54,779 --> 00:35:56,573
- Oh, oh, I'm the one
with the problem?
927
00:35:56,614 --> 00:35:58,658
- Yeah. Why the fuck are you
digging in like this?
928
00:35:58,700 --> 00:36:00,452
I want to know.
- You want to know why, Matty?
929
00:36:00,493 --> 00:36:01,745
- Yeah.
- You want to know why?
930
00:36:01,786 --> 00:36:02,746
- Why?
931
00:36:02,787 --> 00:36:04,789
- Because I have thoughts
of men!
932
00:36:11,254 --> 00:36:12,380
- What?
933
00:36:12,422 --> 00:36:15,342
- I have thoughts of men.
934
00:36:16,343 --> 00:36:18,178
Sexual thoughts.
935
00:36:18,219 --> 00:36:21,306
I want to do to men
936
00:36:21,348 --> 00:36:23,558
what you want to do to women.
937
00:36:25,769 --> 00:36:28,355
- You're saying--
- I'm gay, Matty.
938
00:36:29,272 --> 00:36:30,648
I'm gay.
939
00:36:32,817 --> 00:36:33,985
- Oh.
940
00:36:34,027 --> 00:36:36,529
- God, I--
941
00:36:36,571 --> 00:36:38,573
I can't believe
I just said it.
942
00:36:39,407 --> 00:36:42,202
- Uh--
- Ah, shit!
943
00:36:42,243 --> 00:36:44,371
What the fuck
have I been doing?
944
00:36:44,412 --> 00:36:47,082
I've wasted
my whole goddamn life,
945
00:36:47,123 --> 00:36:50,335
three days down the drain,
946
00:36:50,377 --> 00:36:53,254
and I've never
allowed myself to love.
947
00:36:53,296 --> 00:36:54,673
[sobs, sniffles]
948
00:36:54,714 --> 00:36:56,841
- Well, I mean...
- [sobbing]
949
00:36:56,883 --> 00:36:57,884
You could always--
950
00:36:57,926 --> 00:36:59,427
- Ah, it's too late now.
951
00:36:59,469 --> 00:37:01,680
I'm old and I'm rusty.
952
00:37:01,721 --> 00:37:03,682
I don't know what to do, Matty.
953
00:37:03,723 --> 00:37:07,268
I don't know what to do
or who to be or how to be it.
954
00:37:07,310 --> 00:37:10,438
[sobbing]
955
00:37:11,606 --> 00:37:13,274
Oh, God.
956
00:37:15,068 --> 00:37:16,403
- When I was a kid...
957
00:37:16,444 --> 00:37:18,154
[dramatic music]
958
00:37:18,196 --> 00:37:19,781
You were always there for me.
959
00:37:19,823 --> 00:37:21,574
* *
960
00:37:21,616 --> 00:37:23,743
Well, I'm gonna
be there for you.
961
00:37:23,785 --> 00:37:27,122
- [sobbing]
962
00:37:27,163 --> 00:37:34,295
* *
963
00:37:39,926 --> 00:37:42,137
- I love you, pal.
964
00:37:42,178 --> 00:37:45,515
- [sobbing]
965
00:37:45,557 --> 00:37:52,397
* *
966
00:37:52,439 --> 00:37:54,232
- So I guess this is it.
967
00:37:54,274 --> 00:37:55,775
- Yeah.
968
00:37:55,817 --> 00:37:57,152
- Thanks, Dennis.
969
00:37:57,193 --> 00:37:59,237
- For what?
970
00:37:59,279 --> 00:38:01,489
- All those years growing up.
971
00:38:02,657 --> 00:38:04,576
Mom and Dad fighting
in the other room.
972
00:38:04,617 --> 00:38:06,828
Hell, fighting
in the same room.
973
00:38:08,371 --> 00:38:10,707
Playing with you
was what got me through it.
974
00:38:10,749 --> 00:38:11,833
- Nuh-uh.
975
00:38:11,875 --> 00:38:14,711
Thank you, Matty,
for being who you are.
976
00:38:14,753 --> 00:38:16,629
I don't think there's
a more tolerant man
977
00:38:16,671 --> 00:38:18,340
in the greater Boston area.
978
00:38:18,381 --> 00:38:20,550
- That's probably true.
979
00:38:20,592 --> 00:38:22,635
- You sure you don't want
a sweater, Dennis?
980
00:38:22,677 --> 00:38:24,679
- No, no.
I work hard on my body.
981
00:38:24,721 --> 00:38:26,139
I want everyone to see it.
982
00:38:26,181 --> 00:38:27,515
- So where you gonna go?
983
00:38:27,557 --> 00:38:28,808
- I'm going to P-Town.
984
00:38:28,850 --> 00:38:30,435
Got a lot of catching up to do.
985
00:38:30,477 --> 00:38:33,104
Gonna be wild,
nonstop sucking, fucking,
986
00:38:33,146 --> 00:38:34,564
and trucking for this guy.
987
00:38:35,440 --> 00:38:37,067
Goodbye, Bennetts.
988
00:38:37,108 --> 00:38:40,028
[uplifting music]
989
00:38:40,070 --> 00:38:47,035
* *
990
00:38:55,126 --> 00:38:57,712
- Well, I Jesus-ed
the shit out of that one.
991
00:38:57,754 --> 00:38:58,630
- You?
992
00:38:58,672 --> 00:38:59,798
You didn't do anything.
993
00:38:59,839 --> 00:39:02,050
- Eh, I worked
in mysterious ways.
994
00:39:02,092 --> 00:39:03,301
- How?
995
00:39:03,343 --> 00:39:05,261
- Where there was only
one set of footprints,
996
00:39:05,303 --> 00:39:06,638
that's where I carried you.
997
00:39:06,680 --> 00:39:08,973
- You watched 18 hours
of TV yesterday.
998
00:39:09,015 --> 00:39:10,058
You barely moved.
999
00:39:10,100 --> 00:39:12,394
- When it most appears
I'm not Jesus,
1000
00:39:12,435 --> 00:39:13,895
that's when you need faith.
1001
00:39:13,937 --> 00:39:16,398
- Ted, you do know
what happened to Jesus, right?
1002
00:39:16,439 --> 00:39:18,358
- Yeah, he gave back
the Gobstopper,
1003
00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:19,859
and they gave him
the chocolate factory.
1004
00:39:19,901 --> 00:39:21,027
I mean, I think
that's what happened.
1005
00:39:21,069 --> 00:39:22,779
I'm reading, like,
two books at once.
1006
00:39:22,821 --> 00:39:25,448
- They nailed him to the cross
and crucified him for our sins.
1007
00:39:25,490 --> 00:39:26,491
- Wait, what?
1008
00:39:26,533 --> 00:39:27,701
- It was so nice of him
1009
00:39:27,742 --> 00:39:30,286
to let them do that
for us, wasn't it?
1010
00:39:30,328 --> 00:39:31,996
- They killed him?
- Yeah.
1011
00:39:32,038 --> 00:39:34,290
- Oh, shit.
Yeah, fuck that. I'm out.
1012
00:39:34,332 --> 00:39:36,084
Wait, maybe I'm Buddha.
1013
00:39:36,126 --> 00:39:37,794
Buddha was lazy, right?
1014
00:39:37,836 --> 00:39:39,295
- * Sleigh bells ring *
1015
00:39:39,337 --> 00:39:40,839
- This is a lot of good shit.
1016
00:39:40,880 --> 00:39:42,716
Thanks, Mom.
Thanks, Dad.
1017
00:39:42,757 --> 00:39:44,801
- Oh, you're welcome,
John-John.
1018
00:39:44,843 --> 00:39:46,219
- Hey, thanks for this, Johnny.
1019
00:39:46,261 --> 00:39:47,512
I been wanting a Talkboy.
1020
00:39:47,554 --> 00:39:50,098
Now I can record
all my thoughts.
1021
00:39:50,140 --> 00:39:51,975
Douche.
1022
00:39:52,017 --> 00:39:53,143
Douche.
1023
00:39:53,184 --> 00:39:54,602
Now I won't forget.
1024
00:39:54,644 --> 00:39:57,313
- Blaire, open that one up.
That one's from me.
1025
00:39:57,355 --> 00:40:01,109
- * Walking
in a winter wonderland *
1026
00:40:01,151 --> 00:40:02,569
- Gingerly.
1027
00:40:02,610 --> 00:40:07,615
- * Gone away
is the bluebird *
1028
00:40:07,657 --> 00:40:09,868
- Oh...wow.
1029
00:40:09,909 --> 00:40:11,578
- I know how much
you girls love
1030
00:40:11,619 --> 00:40:15,040
those "Beverly Hills 90210"
boys.
1031
00:40:15,081 --> 00:40:16,958
- Ian Ziering.
1032
00:40:17,000 --> 00:40:18,668
Thank you.
1033
00:40:18,710 --> 00:40:19,836
- It's for your room.
1034
00:40:19,878 --> 00:40:21,755
- Yeah, no,
I know what it's for.
1035
00:40:21,796 --> 00:40:23,506
Thank you, Aunt Suze.
1036
00:40:23,548 --> 00:40:25,258
- Should we go
hang it up right now?
1037
00:40:25,300 --> 00:40:27,802
- Oh, you know what?
1038
00:40:27,844 --> 00:40:29,137
I want to think really hard
1039
00:40:29,179 --> 00:40:30,764
about where I want to put it,
you know?
1040
00:40:30,805 --> 00:40:32,223
- OK.
- It's just too special, so...
1041
00:40:32,265 --> 00:40:33,600
- All right.
1042
00:40:33,641 --> 00:40:34,768
- You happy, Susan?
1043
00:40:34,809 --> 00:40:37,270
- Oh, Matty, I'm so happy.
I love it.
1044
00:40:37,312 --> 00:40:40,440
- Yeah, they said this one
had the most sucking power.
1045
00:40:40,482 --> 00:40:42,609
- I'm sure
it sucks wonderfully.
1046
00:40:42,650 --> 00:40:44,319
[laughter]
1047
00:40:44,361 --> 00:40:46,571
- Oh, you know what?
1048
00:40:46,613 --> 00:40:49,032
I almost forgot.
1049
00:40:49,074 --> 00:40:50,033
There's one more.
1050
00:40:50,075 --> 00:40:53,661
- * When you're in town *
1051
00:40:53,703 --> 00:40:59,417
* Later on, we'll conspire *
1052
00:40:59,459 --> 00:41:01,127
* As we dream *
1053
00:41:01,169 --> 00:41:02,587
- Merry Christmas, Susan.
1054
00:41:02,629 --> 00:41:06,466
- * By the fire *
1055
00:41:06,508 --> 00:41:12,972
* To face unafraid
the plans that we made *
1056
00:41:13,014 --> 00:41:17,310
* Walking
in a winter wonderland *
1057
00:41:17,352 --> 00:41:19,104
- [gasps]
1058
00:41:19,145 --> 00:41:21,106
* *
1059
00:41:21,147 --> 00:41:23,817
- A karaoke machine!
1060
00:41:23,858 --> 00:41:27,654
- Yeah, I figured
you could sing...
1061
00:41:27,696 --> 00:41:30,323
you know, your solo.
1062
00:41:30,365 --> 00:41:32,158
* *
1063
00:41:32,200 --> 00:41:34,661
- I love you so much.
1064
00:41:34,703 --> 00:41:37,997
Oh, honey, thank you.
1065
00:41:38,039 --> 00:41:39,290
Oh.
1066
00:41:39,332 --> 00:41:42,252
["Silent Night" playing]
1067
00:41:42,293 --> 00:41:48,174
* *
1068
00:41:48,216 --> 00:41:52,637
* Silent night *
1069
00:41:52,679 --> 00:41:57,267
* Holy night *
1070
00:41:57,308 --> 00:42:01,646
* All is calm *
1071
00:42:01,688 --> 00:42:05,984
* All is bright *
1072
00:42:06,026 --> 00:42:10,655
* Round yon virgin *
1073
00:42:10,697 --> 00:42:15,243
* Mother and child *
1074
00:42:15,285 --> 00:42:18,872
* Holy infant *
1075
00:42:18,913 --> 00:42:24,044
* So tender and mild *
1076
00:42:24,085 --> 00:42:28,715
* Sleep in heavenly *
1077
00:42:28,757 --> 00:42:33,219
* Peace *
1078
00:42:33,261 --> 00:42:34,804
* Sleep *
1079
00:42:34,846 --> 00:42:41,436
* In heavenly peace *
1080
00:42:42,145 --> 00:42:44,731
[Norah Jones' "Everybody
Needs a Best Friend"]
1081
00:42:44,773 --> 00:42:49,069
- * Oh, you've got a headful
of someone dreadful *
1082
00:42:49,110 --> 00:42:52,322
* And yet, alas,
that someone adores you *
1083
00:42:52,364 --> 00:42:53,907
* *
1084
00:42:53,948 --> 00:42:57,619
* Everybody needs
a best friend *
1085
00:42:57,660 --> 00:43:00,372
* I'm happy I'm yours *
1086
00:43:00,413 --> 00:43:03,667
* I'm just a clown *
1087
00:43:03,708 --> 00:43:07,087
* And I'll bring you down *
1088
00:43:07,128 --> 00:43:13,385
* But you just don't care
'cause your *
1089
00:43:13,426 --> 00:43:15,220
* Best friend is me *
1090
00:43:15,261 --> 00:43:22,185
* *
76134
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