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1
00:00:04,713 --> 00:00:05,088
.
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00:00:05,130 --> 00:00:05,588
[upbeat music]
3
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* *
4
00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:10,885
[door clicks]
5
00:00:10,927 --> 00:00:13,888
- Hey. Sorry I'm late.
6
00:00:13,930 --> 00:00:16,224
Just give me two
seconds to get out
7
00:00:16,266 --> 00:00:18,101
my notebook
for the handoff status report,
8
00:00:18,143 --> 00:00:19,644
and I'll get you on your way.
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00:00:19,686 --> 00:00:21,438
- Julia, you may
keep your notebook
10
00:00:21,479 --> 00:00:25,358
very deep in that body bag
of a satchel you have there.
11
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:26,776
My update is short.
12
00:00:26,818 --> 00:00:29,279
Right now, your daughter is
in her room on her phone.
13
00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:31,531
Her brother is
in his room on his phone,
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as they have been for 96%
of my week with them.
15
00:00:35,243 --> 00:00:36,870
- Anything fun
planned for the week?
16
00:00:36,911 --> 00:00:38,455
- Father and son fishing trip.
17
00:00:38,496 --> 00:00:40,498
- So no.
18
00:00:40,540 --> 00:00:42,751
- Well, I don't want to keep
you from fishing or leaving,
19
00:00:42,792 --> 00:00:44,753
so I'll see you next week.
20
00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:48,048
- Hey.
Guys, how's it going?
21
00:00:48,089 --> 00:00:49,591
- Hey.
- Hey, Trey.
22
00:00:49,632 --> 00:00:50,842
What do you say?
23
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,052
[chuckles]
24
00:00:52,093 --> 00:00:53,386
Fancy looking luggage.
25
00:00:53,428 --> 00:00:54,763
What'd something
like that run you?
26
00:00:54,804 --> 00:00:56,514
- About $3,300.
27
00:00:56,556 --> 00:00:59,059
- Did it come
with $3,200 inside it?
28
00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:00,894
- Practicing
your dad jokes, Jim?
29
00:01:00,935 --> 00:01:02,937
- Yes, I am.
30
00:01:02,979 --> 00:01:05,273
- Keep practicing.
31
00:01:08,860 --> 00:01:11,237
- Trey's rolling luggage in.
32
00:01:11,279 --> 00:01:13,239
I didn't even realize
he was sleeping here now.
33
00:01:13,281 --> 00:01:15,367
Big development.
34
00:01:15,408 --> 00:01:18,411
Very peaceful
and easy-going of you, son.
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00:01:18,453 --> 00:01:20,789
You're like Gandhi.
36
00:01:20,830 --> 00:01:24,125
- Yeah, if Gandhi's
ex-wife had her boyfriend
37
00:01:24,167 --> 00:01:25,877
stay over with her
and Gandhi's kids
38
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:28,505
without asking Gandhi first.
39
00:01:28,546 --> 00:01:30,924
- So you didn't
know about this.
40
00:01:30,965 --> 00:01:33,760
You're simmering.
41
00:01:33,802 --> 00:01:36,471
This is what it was like
when Gandhi realized what
42
00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:39,224
the English were really up to.
43
00:01:39,265 --> 00:01:41,685
He got mad.
44
00:01:41,726 --> 00:01:43,937
How long do you think this
fight with Julia's gonna take?
45
00:01:43,978 --> 00:01:45,021
- There's not gonna be a fight.
46
00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:46,022
- Want me to order
something for you?
47
00:01:46,064 --> 00:01:47,023
- There's not gonna be a fight.
48
00:01:47,065 --> 00:01:48,858
- Turkey burger? No onions?
49
00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:50,819
Diet Coke?
50
00:01:50,860 --> 00:01:52,487
- Regular Coke.
51
00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:55,156
- * It's true *
52
00:01:55,198 --> 00:01:58,785
* The marriage that we once
had now is through *
53
00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:03,498
* And now we're doing
all that we can do *
54
00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:07,627
* To keep us all together
as a crew *
55
00:02:07,669 --> 00:02:11,631
* Trust, do as we say,
not as we do *
56
00:02:11,673 --> 00:02:15,218
* We really thought
that we were done *
57
00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:18,346
* But we've just begun *
58
00:02:21,057 --> 00:02:23,810
- Don't think I don't know
what you think I don't know.
59
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:29,024
- I don't know what you
think you know that I know.
60
00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:31,985
- I'm talking about you
trying to sneak Trey in here
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00:02:32,027 --> 00:02:33,528
to spend the night.
- Sneak?
62
00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:34,821
He just walked
through the front door
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00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:38,783
with a gigantic
titanium suitcase.
64
00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:41,327
- Hiding in plain sight.
65
00:02:41,369 --> 00:02:43,163
- Dude, come on.
He's my fiancé now.
66
00:02:43,204 --> 00:02:44,330
We're more or less married.
67
00:02:44,372 --> 00:02:46,750
- Yeah, you're less married.
68
00:02:46,791 --> 00:02:48,335
You know when you'll
be more married?
69
00:02:48,376 --> 00:02:50,337
When you're married.
70
00:02:50,378 --> 00:02:51,671
And when you're married,
he can stay over.
71
00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:53,340
That's the rule we agreed to.
- Come on.
72
00:02:53,381 --> 00:02:54,799
Stop being such a prude.
73
00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,551
You slept over at my apartment
before we got married.
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00:02:56,593 --> 00:02:57,969
- Yeah, because we
didn't have children.
75
00:02:58,011 --> 00:02:59,888
The only people we
were corrupting was us.
76
00:02:59,929 --> 00:03:02,390
Look, when we started
this whole nest thing,
77
00:03:02,432 --> 00:03:03,725
we were deliberate.
78
00:03:03,767 --> 00:03:04,851
We wrote at a constitution--
at your insistence,
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00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:06,811
by the way--
article nine of which is,
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00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:08,855
no romantic interest
may spend the night
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00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:11,232
without a full family vote
and written consent.
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00:03:11,274 --> 00:03:12,442
- Trey is not
a romantic interest.
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00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:13,693
He's my fiancé.
84
00:03:13,735 --> 00:03:16,363
- For your sake,
I hope that came out wrong.
85
00:03:16,404 --> 00:03:17,781
And for the sake
of all the time
86
00:03:17,822 --> 00:03:19,991
we spent debating
and deliberating and mutually
87
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:23,119
concluding, I must lower
my foot down as one
88
00:03:23,161 --> 00:03:24,913
does in such a circumstance.
89
00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:28,541
- What's the problem?
90
00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:29,793
- Why do you always
assume there's a problem?
91
00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:31,878
- Because there's
always a problem.
92
00:03:31,920 --> 00:03:33,380
- There's no problem.
93
00:03:33,421 --> 00:03:35,340
- I stand corrected.
94
00:03:38,259 --> 00:03:39,552
- The problem is
when two people
95
00:03:39,594 --> 00:03:41,930
have kids,
get divorced, you can't
96
00:03:41,971 --> 00:03:43,223
just do whatever you want.
97
00:03:43,264 --> 00:03:44,599
Because feelings get hurt.
98
00:03:44,641 --> 00:03:46,601
You have to foresee
potential pitfalls
99
00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:49,145
and agree on certain
guardrails and document it
100
00:03:49,187 --> 00:03:51,981
and ratify it and notarize
101
00:03:52,023 --> 00:03:53,983
what has been agreed upon.
102
00:03:56,945 --> 00:03:57,904
- What's he waving?
103
00:03:57,946 --> 00:03:59,656
- He's miming
waving a document.
104
00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:00,865
- Ah.
105
00:04:00,907 --> 00:04:02,409
- I don't have to mime it
because I have it.
106
00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:04,411
Follow me, please.
107
00:04:05,286 --> 00:04:06,496
- Do we have to follow him?
108
00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:08,873
- Yes, you have to follow me.
109
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,253
Behold.
110
00:04:13,294 --> 00:04:15,922
The Kearney Family
Constitution,
111
00:04:15,964 --> 00:04:18,591
which codifies the fundamental
laws of the nest,
112
00:04:18,633 --> 00:04:20,593
itemized and laminated,
not unlike what
113
00:04:20,635 --> 00:04:23,763
Moses did with Yahweh's
Ten Commandments.
114
00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:25,765
- Why am I just finding
out about this now?
115
00:04:25,807 --> 00:04:27,142
- You don't know about Moses?
116
00:04:27,183 --> 00:04:29,185
Ah, where to begin.
117
00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:32,522
As a baby, he was placed in a
basket in the river Euphrates.
118
00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:33,606
- I think you mean the Nile.
119
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:36,359
- If you knew,
why'd you ask me?
120
00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:37,694
- The agreement's
been in the drawer
121
00:04:37,736 --> 00:04:39,195
since the day we wrote it.
122
00:04:39,237 --> 00:04:40,613
And everything's
been working fine.
123
00:04:40,655 --> 00:04:43,366
- Because our laws have been
observed and not flouted.
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00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:45,618
Julia, would you please
read article nine
125
00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:47,620
aloud to your lover?
126
00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:56,087
- "Neither parent shall have
a third party stay overnight
127
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,088
in the nest while the--"
128
00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:58,840
- Whilst.
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00:05:00,342 --> 00:05:02,427
Whilst.
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00:05:03,887 --> 00:05:05,972
- "Whilst the children
are present
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00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:08,850
without express written consent
from the other parent."
132
00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:14,647
- I am looking high and low
for my express written consent,
133
00:05:14,689 --> 00:05:16,983
and I am finding no
expression, no writing,
134
00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:19,444
and certainly no consent.
135
00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,404
- I don't get it.
What's the big deal?
136
00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:22,947
Julia and I sleep
at my place all the time.
137
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:25,950
- Yeah, because your place
is hopefully a den
138
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,827
of premarital sin.
139
00:05:27,869 --> 00:05:30,330
But the nest is a place where,
since our divorce,
140
00:05:30,372 --> 00:05:33,166
Julia and I have tried to give
our kids the false impression
141
00:05:33,208 --> 00:05:35,627
that nothing has changed.
142
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,754
And whilst you mock
our constitution,
143
00:05:37,796 --> 00:05:40,256
it was Julia who
fought especially hard
144
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:41,675
for the permission clause.
145
00:05:41,716 --> 00:05:43,176
- Because I wanted
to protect the kids
146
00:05:43,218 --> 00:05:46,096
from anyone who would,
if I'm being truthful,
147
00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:47,889
sleep with you.
148
00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:52,435
- Shows what you know.
149
00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:53,937
I haven't slept with anybody.
Ha!
150
00:05:55,730 --> 00:05:57,357
Bottom line,
it's up to the kids.
151
00:05:57,399 --> 00:05:58,900
Hey, kids, we need you.
152
00:05:58,942 --> 00:06:00,110
- OK. OK.
153
00:06:00,151 --> 00:06:01,611
You're right, you're right.
I know, Trey.
154
00:06:01,653 --> 00:06:03,363
It's a lot to absorb.
155
00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:05,115
- Phones down.
156
00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:09,994
That is technically down.
157
00:06:10,036 --> 00:06:11,830
- Kids, we are
thinking of having
158
00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:13,540
Trey stay over on my weeks.
159
00:06:13,581 --> 00:06:15,125
Would that be OK with you?
160
00:06:15,166 --> 00:06:16,418
- I'm cool with it.
161
00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:17,585
But how do you
feel about it, Dad?
162
00:06:17,627 --> 00:06:19,587
- I mean, I like Trey.
163
00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:21,756
I want him to feel
welcome in this family,
164
00:06:21,798 --> 00:06:23,591
but not at the expense
of your feelings.
165
00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:25,385
- Wait a second.
You're fine with this?
166
00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:27,595
What are we even doing here?
167
00:06:27,637 --> 00:06:29,597
- It is not about my feelings.
168
00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:30,932
It is about
a process that takes
169
00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:32,350
into account all
of our feelings
170
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,102
for the sake of the children.
171
00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:37,522
Jimmy, how do you feel?
172
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:39,899
- I thought he did
sleep over sometimes.
173
00:06:42,777 --> 00:06:45,697
- On the couch, only once.
174
00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:48,700
- I'll allow it. Jimmy?
175
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,744
- I'm cool with Trey.
- Then it's unanimous.
176
00:06:50,785 --> 00:06:52,871
Where's my gavel?
- Oh, do we really--
177
00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:55,331
- Yes, we really
need the gavel!
178
00:06:55,373 --> 00:06:57,334
Article nine has been
amended to add Trey Taylor
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00:06:57,375 --> 00:06:58,752
as a permanent guest.
180
00:06:58,793 --> 00:07:00,754
- Yes!
- Congratulations.
181
00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:02,505
- Constitutional
crisis averted.
182
00:07:02,547 --> 00:07:04,049
- Great.
Can I use the bathroom now?
183
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:07,052
- Ah, permanent bathroom
rights are included.
184
00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:10,263
Out that window is the city
of Boston, the birthplace
185
00:07:10,305 --> 00:07:12,432
of America, democracy.
186
00:07:12,474 --> 00:07:13,767
Is it perfect?
No!
187
00:07:13,808 --> 00:07:15,310
Does it fall
into the wrong hands?
188
00:07:15,352 --> 00:07:16,603
All the time.
189
00:07:16,644 --> 00:07:18,104
But is that a reason
to throw it out?
190
00:07:18,146 --> 00:07:19,314
No, no, my friends.
191
00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:21,024
That is a reason
to fight for it.
192
00:07:21,066 --> 00:07:24,569
Democracy-- if there's a better
system, I haven't found it.
193
00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:34,913
.
194
00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:35,580
- Can you believe it?
195
00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:38,166
Our first official night
sleeping in the nest.
196
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,635
- Kind of sunken in down here.
197
00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:50,762
- [laughs]
198
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,931
The kids call it Daddy's Divot,
199
00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:54,891
created by Jim
sleeping in the exact
200
00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:56,476
same position every night.
201
00:07:56,518 --> 00:08:00,105
He'd take off all his clothes,
curl up, like knees to chest,
202
00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:02,816
boom, out like a light and
looking like a 150-pound fetus
203
00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:04,693
with a beard.
204
00:08:04,734 --> 00:08:07,529
- [chuckles nervously]
Oh, boy.
205
00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:08,947
Oh, no, I can't!
- What?
206
00:08:08,988 --> 00:08:10,115
What?
- I can't I can't.
207
00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:11,324
I'm sorry.
- What's wrong?
208
00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:12,367
- I can't.
I can't.
209
00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:13,702
I can't.
I-- I shouldn't.
210
00:08:13,743 --> 00:08:14,786
I shouldn't have to think
of Jim nude while resting
211
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:15,995
in Jim's nude fetus divot.
212
00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:17,080
- Why didn't you say something?
213
00:08:17,122 --> 00:08:18,665
- It was seven seconds ago.
214
00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:20,417
I'm saying something.
215
00:08:20,458 --> 00:08:22,460
- How about we switch sides?
216
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,170
- OK.
- OK.
217
00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:37,851
- It's a nightmare, right?
218
00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:39,728
- It's awful.
- Yeah.
219
00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:41,271
I have another idea.
220
00:08:41,312 --> 00:08:43,440
We can replace this mattress
with the same kind
221
00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:46,985
we have in my place,
the Royal Luxe Smart Mattress.
222
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:48,486
Remember your first time on it?
223
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:51,406
You said it was like sleeping
on a cloud made of clouds.
224
00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:53,700
It made no sense, but I
got what you were saying.
225
00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:55,493
- OK, you win.
Get me out of here.
226
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,328
I'll call Jim first
thing in the morning.
227
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:58,705
Wha--
228
00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:00,832
- Why?
229
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:04,002
- [sighs]
Article 15.
230
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,670
"Any new furniture
or appliances
231
00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:08,006
bigger than a toaster must
be approved by both parties."
232
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:10,091
- The constitution covers beds.
233
00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:11,676
- This is what happens
when I watch the "Today Show."
234
00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:12,969
They put ideas in my head.
235
00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:15,430
Thanks a lot, Hoda.
236
00:09:15,472 --> 00:09:18,933
[upbeat music]
237
00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:20,727
- Hey. I am here.
238
00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:22,437
Heard there was
a constitutional issue.
239
00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:27,359
- More like
constitutional bonus.
240
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:31,279
Trey wants to gift us
with an ultra-fancy high-end
241
00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:32,572
smart mattress.
242
00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:34,282
And because a mattress
is bigger than a toaster,
243
00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:36,576
I am respecting you
and following protocol.
244
00:09:36,618 --> 00:09:37,994
Congratulations.
245
00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:41,081
We're the winners
of a brand-new mattress.
246
00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:44,209
- So this is what our life
is gonna be like now.
247
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:46,920
Trey wants to sleep over,
Trey sleeps over.
248
00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:49,339
Trey wants a new mattress,
we get a new mattress.
249
00:09:49,381 --> 00:09:53,551
All hail King Trey,
the mattress king.
250
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:56,638
I say king, because clearly
the nest is a monarchy now.
251
00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,641
Democracy is just a facade.
252
00:09:59,683 --> 00:10:01,351
- I am asking you first.
253
00:10:01,393 --> 00:10:04,521
Now grab the gavel
and bang this into law.
254
00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:07,107
- Well, I do appreciate
that you asked me first.
255
00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:10,193
And I do love my gavel.
256
00:10:10,235 --> 00:10:12,112
Motion approved.
257
00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:14,781
Feel free to let Trey know
that the gavel has fallen
258
00:10:14,823 --> 00:10:17,575
and he may order
his new mattress anon.
259
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:20,620
- [grunting]
260
00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,038
- To the right.
Going right.
261
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,331
Watch it.
Watch it.
262
00:10:23,373 --> 00:10:25,375
Watch it.
263
00:10:25,417 --> 00:10:27,460
How you doing, Jimbo?
264
00:10:29,587 --> 00:10:32,090
- Treason!
265
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:34,551
Ruling rescinded
due to egregiously
266
00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:37,345
premature expectation
of affirmative vote.
267
00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:39,222
- I didn't know that Trey had
already ordered the mattress.
268
00:10:39,264 --> 00:10:41,266
But now that it's here,
at least lie down on it.
269
00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:43,143
It is the best
mattress in the world.
270
00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:44,561
- It's not about the mattress.
271
00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:47,188
It is about how, in divorce,
we must conduct our lives
272
00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:50,191
with some level of grace so
that our selfishness does not
273
00:10:50,233 --> 00:10:52,277
cause us to make
decisions that divide us.
274
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:54,946
- The Royal Luxe is about
Trey being a delicate sleeper.
275
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:57,991
He's not trying to divide
us with a mattress.
276
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:10,378
.
277
00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:10,879
[upbeat music]
278
00:11:12,630 --> 00:11:15,425
- Jimbo, I know I jumped
the gun, but hear me out.
279
00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:17,761
There's usually
a six-month waiting list.
280
00:11:17,802 --> 00:11:19,095
But I got lucky.
281
00:11:19,137 --> 00:11:21,014
Turns out Taylor Swift's
cats prefer hammocks.
282
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:24,267
Try it out.
283
00:11:24,309 --> 00:11:27,354
- King Trey is now
ordering me to bed.
284
00:11:27,395 --> 00:11:29,105
- Try the mattress, Jimbo.
285
00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:30,523
You won't be sorry.
286
00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:32,233
- I don't care how
great the mattress is.
287
00:11:32,275 --> 00:11:33,401
It's never gonna
make any difference.
288
00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:35,195
I don't--
289
00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:39,449
oh, oh, my God.
290
00:11:39,491 --> 00:11:44,037
I can't tell where my body
stops and the bed begins.
291
00:11:44,079 --> 00:11:47,290
I wish I could take
my clothes off.
292
00:11:47,332 --> 00:11:50,001
- I'm so glad you have them on.
293
00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:53,505
- Jim?
- We can keep it.
294
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:58,343
- Once again,
thank you for being so
295
00:11:58,385 --> 00:11:59,969
accommodating and agreeable.
296
00:12:00,011 --> 00:12:03,306
- Well, it is my nature.
297
00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:05,266
As James Madison said,
compromise
298
00:12:05,308 --> 00:12:07,143
is the key to democracy.
299
00:12:07,185 --> 00:12:08,478
- You know, that's funny.
300
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,313
It's often attributed
to James Madison.
301
00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:12,357
But the quote's
actually Ben Franklin's.
302
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:13,817
- And this quote is mine.
303
00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:15,610
[blows raspberry]
304
00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:21,908
- What's that?
305
00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:23,702
It looks like footprints.
306
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:27,080
- Oh, I totally
forgot about those.
307
00:12:27,122 --> 00:12:29,791
Um, that was when
we first moved in.
308
00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:31,209
We didn't have any furniture.
309
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:32,961
We just had
the mattress, remember.
310
00:12:33,003 --> 00:12:34,671
Bella, bella.
- Oh, yeah.
311
00:12:34,713 --> 00:12:36,214
[laughs]
Oh, bella.
312
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,091
That was a night.
I forgot about those too.
313
00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:39,718
[laughs]
314
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,056
- Can somebody explain
what's so funny?
315
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:48,977
- Oh, well, years ago, we went
to the San Gennaro Festival
316
00:12:49,019 --> 00:12:50,270
and stomped grapes.
317
00:12:50,311 --> 00:12:51,521
My feet were still red
when we got home.
318
00:12:51,563 --> 00:12:53,064
And we kept calling
each other--
319
00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:55,025
- Bella, bella, what a fella.
320
00:12:55,066 --> 00:12:57,360
[laughter]
321
00:12:57,402 --> 00:13:01,239
- Yeah, but-- yeah,
but how'd the footprints
322
00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:03,867
get on the wall?
323
00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:05,577
- Uh--
324
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:10,498
- Uh-- well, if we were to
do a forensic analysis--
325
00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:13,335
I mean, you know,
it was a long time ago,
326
00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:18,840
before my hip issues,
when my bursa was robust.
327
00:13:19,758 --> 00:13:22,260
I was the catcher on my
high school baseball team,
328
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:24,596
so I could hold a stance
for at least nine innings.
329
00:13:25,555 --> 00:13:27,223
Again, my memory's not perfect.
330
00:13:27,265 --> 00:13:31,728
So I guess I was roughly
here with her legs
331
00:13:31,770 --> 00:13:36,816
wrapped around here
and the feet kind of--
332
00:13:36,858 --> 00:13:39,069
kind of braced here.
333
00:13:39,110 --> 00:13:41,196
And then--
334
00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:44,657
Bella, bella!
335
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,623
- You're upset
about the footprints.
336
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:52,832
- I'm not upset.
337
00:13:52,874 --> 00:13:54,501
- OK, OK, I can't lie.
338
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:57,629
When Jim and I were married,
we hooked up.
339
00:13:58,963 --> 00:14:02,092
Grace and Jimmy were not
conceived immaculately.
340
00:14:02,133 --> 00:14:03,426
- No, I get that.
341
00:14:03,468 --> 00:14:04,761
It's just I don't
understand why
342
00:14:04,803 --> 00:14:06,262
I got to stare
at the sexy evidence
343
00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:08,306
on the wall behind the bed
where the hooking up happened.
344
00:14:10,266 --> 00:14:11,559
But I'm not upset.
345
00:14:11,601 --> 00:14:13,770
- You are, and you
have every right to be.
346
00:14:13,812 --> 00:14:15,146
But here's the thing.
347
00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:17,691
You can't see the footprints
through the headboard.
348
00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:23,113
- Once again, I'm not upset.
349
00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:24,406
But I'll still
know they're there.
350
00:14:24,447 --> 00:14:27,283
So good news, I got a solution.
351
00:14:27,325 --> 00:14:28,827
We're gonna paint--
352
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:32,414
2, 3, 40 coats.
353
00:14:33,248 --> 00:14:34,290
- Great idea.
354
00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:36,292
And surely, the room needs it.
355
00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:37,794
But the constitution does say--
356
00:14:37,836 --> 00:14:39,295
- Stop with
the fricking constitution,
357
00:14:39,337 --> 00:14:42,132
I'm becoming an anarchist.
358
00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:44,634
- I just don't want
you to be upset.
359
00:14:44,676 --> 00:14:45,927
- I'm not upset.
360
00:14:47,762 --> 00:14:50,682
You know what's great about
having a place on Nantucket?
361
00:14:50,724 --> 00:14:53,018
You can send your
fiancée and her kids
362
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:56,438
to Nantucket so you can
paint over her Italian sex
363
00:15:02,944 --> 00:15:03,153
.
364
00:15:03,194 --> 00:15:03,445
- I--
365
00:15:04,446 --> 00:15:06,823
smell--
366
00:15:06,865 --> 00:15:08,450
paint.
367
00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:10,326
You painted.
368
00:15:10,368 --> 00:15:11,453
- You're here.
Why?
369
00:15:11,494 --> 00:15:12,454
It's not your week.
370
00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:13,955
- Never mind why I'm here,
371
00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:15,457
which is to return my fishing
rod, which lives here,
372
00:15:15,498 --> 00:15:17,459
where I live sometimes.
373
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:18,918
But let's talk
about how you painted.
374
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,337
- I can explain.
375
00:15:20,378 --> 00:15:22,505
- [chuckles]
And you scolded me for lying
376
00:15:22,547 --> 00:15:24,215
about a dead goldfish,
but here you are
377
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:25,508
ready to lie to me about this.
378
00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:26,843
- I didn't lie.
379
00:15:26,885 --> 00:15:28,094
I just didn't tell you.
Ask me if I painted.
380
00:15:28,136 --> 00:15:29,137
- Did you paint?
- Yep.
381
00:15:29,179 --> 00:15:30,805
- Oh!
Unbelievable!
382
00:15:30,847 --> 00:15:33,641
You are incapable of living
under anyone else's rules.
383
00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:35,393
Article 22, "No repainting--"
384
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,020
- I know!
I know!
385
00:15:37,062 --> 00:15:38,271
- You knew?
- I knew.
386
00:15:38,313 --> 00:15:40,190
- [yelps]
387
00:15:40,231 --> 00:15:41,983
- It's the exact same color.
388
00:15:42,025 --> 00:15:44,235
It would have been dry
by the time it was your week.
389
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:45,570
I was hoping you
wouldn't notice.
390
00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:46,654
It would have been like
I never painted at all.
391
00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:48,740
- Except you painted.
392
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:50,200
- OK, fine.
You know what?
393
00:15:50,241 --> 00:15:51,451
I don't say this often.
394
00:15:51,493 --> 00:15:52,952
My bad.
395
00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:55,580
- You knowingly
spit in the face
396
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:59,584
of the bedrock,
the foundation, the core values
397
00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:01,461
of this family.
398
00:16:01,503 --> 00:16:03,463
[chuckles]
399
00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:11,262
- What's going on?
- [laughing]
400
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:13,098
- Why are you laughing?
401
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,018
Why am I more scared
of the laughing
402
00:16:17,060 --> 00:16:18,103
than I am the yelling?
403
00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:19,688
- You should be scared.
404
00:16:19,729 --> 00:16:21,940
Because Julia's gonna kill you.
405
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:24,150
- For painting?
I don't think so.
406
00:16:24,192 --> 00:16:25,402
- Not for painting.
407
00:16:25,443 --> 00:16:26,986
For erasing
our cherished memories.
408
00:16:27,028 --> 00:16:29,364
Your painters painted
over our height chart.
409
00:16:29,406 --> 00:16:30,907
- Height chart?
410
00:16:30,949 --> 00:16:33,576
- Yes, the height chart
that was here on this door
411
00:16:33,618 --> 00:16:35,829
where, for 14 years,
we measured
412
00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:38,206
our beloved children's height.
413
00:16:38,248 --> 00:16:40,458
- I didn't know there
was a height chart there.
414
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,043
- And how could you?
Oh, wait.
415
00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:43,878
Maybe if you'd
followed protocol,
416
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,380
you would have been made
aware of the height chart
417
00:16:45,422 --> 00:16:47,048
during one
of my many filibusters.
418
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:50,385
But no, you went rogue,
your own little January 7th.
419
00:16:50,427 --> 00:16:51,720
- You mean January 6th.
420
00:16:51,761 --> 00:16:54,389
- No, January 7th,
the day they repainted.
421
00:16:54,431 --> 00:16:55,849
- Come on, man.
422
00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:57,308
This is a bit
of an overreaction.
423
00:16:57,350 --> 00:17:00,395
- So many memories--
oh, now painted over memories.
424
00:17:00,437 --> 00:17:03,606
Oh, little Jimmy Junior would
always say, one day, Dad,
425
00:17:03,648 --> 00:17:06,234
I'll be taller
and older than you.
426
00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:08,486
Adorable. Right?
427
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,613
And, oh, how we laughed.
428
00:17:10,655 --> 00:17:12,032
But not anymore.
429
00:17:12,073 --> 00:17:13,616
No more laughter.
430
00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:15,368
All we have now is
the memory of our memories.
431
00:17:15,410 --> 00:17:18,621
That's what Julie will say--
or try to say, in between sobs.
432
00:17:18,663 --> 00:17:20,040
- Come on, man,
it was a mistake!
433
00:17:20,081 --> 00:17:23,376
- So was Jimmy Junior,
but we never painted over him.
434
00:17:23,418 --> 00:17:24,919
And it wasn't a mistake.
435
00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:26,880
You didn't just accidentally
call some painters.
436
00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:28,923
This is a way of saying,
hey, Jim Kearney.
437
00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:31,384
I'm Trey Taylor,
owner of the Boston Celtics.
438
00:17:31,426 --> 00:17:32,802
And I am in charge here.
439
00:17:32,844 --> 00:17:34,220
All you had to do was
play by the rules.
440
00:17:34,262 --> 00:17:36,014
- Not the rules, your rules.
441
00:17:36,056 --> 00:17:37,390
- Every article
has to be ratified.
442
00:17:37,432 --> 00:17:39,059
- Ratify this.
443
00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:40,602
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
444
00:17:40,643 --> 00:17:43,063
What are you guys doing,
for crying out loud?
445
00:17:43,104 --> 00:17:45,106
Throw a punch or shut up.
446
00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:47,275
- Trey painted over
the height chart.
447
00:17:47,317 --> 00:17:49,736
- You two are acting
like Gus and Charlie.
448
00:17:49,778 --> 00:17:51,321
- Who are Gus and Charlie?
449
00:17:51,363 --> 00:17:52,697
- They're our Basset hounds.
450
00:17:52,739 --> 00:17:54,282
We got Charlie
when he was a puppy.
451
00:17:54,324 --> 00:17:57,202
He peed on everything to
mark his territory, like Jim.
452
00:17:57,243 --> 00:18:00,163
And then we got
another Basset hound.
453
00:18:00,205 --> 00:18:01,915
- Gus?
454
00:18:01,956 --> 00:18:03,958
- Look how you worked that out.
455
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,127
- Gus started peeing
on everything.
456
00:18:06,169 --> 00:18:08,546
Then Charlie peed
on everything Gus peed on.
457
00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:10,840
Gentlemen,
what you have here is
458
00:18:10,882 --> 00:18:12,801
a Basset hound peeing contest.
459
00:18:12,842 --> 00:18:16,971
Charlie, things are changing,
and you have to adapt.
460
00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:20,183
And, Gus, you may be
the king in your own kingdom,
461
00:18:20,225 --> 00:18:23,186
but you just entered
into another dog's yard.
462
00:18:23,228 --> 00:18:26,314
So drop it, both of you.
463
00:18:26,356 --> 00:18:27,649
- OK.
464
00:18:27,691 --> 00:18:30,860
I will admit,
I've been a little Charlie.
465
00:18:32,362 --> 00:18:34,155
- And I haven't been
respecting your rules,
466
00:18:34,197 --> 00:18:35,824
which I guess is
a little Gus-like, even
467
00:18:35,865 --> 00:18:37,659
though I've never met the dog.
468
00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:39,285
- I got to get out
of here before you
469
00:18:39,327 --> 00:18:42,622
guys start sniffing, licking,
and humping each other.
470
00:18:42,664 --> 00:18:45,125
- Gus and Charlie
became very close.
471
00:18:45,166 --> 00:18:46,501
- Well, what are we
gonna do about the height
472
00:18:46,543 --> 00:18:47,961
chart Gus painted over?
473
00:18:48,003 --> 00:18:49,879
- Oh, I can take care of that.
474
00:18:49,921 --> 00:18:53,383
A little turpentine and lye so
you can see the indentations.
475
00:18:53,425 --> 00:18:55,510
Julia will never know.
476
00:18:55,552 --> 00:18:57,846
Charlie, get me
some turpentine,
477
00:18:57,887 --> 00:19:00,181
a bucket, rags, and a mask.
478
00:19:00,223 --> 00:19:03,184
Gus, get me four cold beers
and a bag of chips.
479
00:19:03,226 --> 00:19:06,688
There's a 50/50 chance
this won't work.
480
00:19:06,730 --> 00:19:08,565
- I'll take those odds.
481
00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:12,819
- There wasn't a chance
it wasn't gonna work.
482
00:19:12,861 --> 00:19:16,406
I just wanted some
beer and chips.
483
00:19:16,448 --> 00:19:18,199
- Trey?
We're back.
484
00:19:18,241 --> 00:19:19,951
- Oh, they're back,
they're back, hurry up.
485
00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:21,161
Hurry up.
- All done.
486
00:19:21,202 --> 00:19:22,871
She'll never know
the difference.
487
00:19:22,912 --> 00:19:27,000
Operation Height
Chart completed.
488
00:19:27,042 --> 00:19:30,295
- Jim, Bobby, what are you--
489
00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:32,380
do I smell paint?
490
00:19:32,422 --> 00:19:33,882
Did you paint?
491
00:19:33,923 --> 00:19:35,800
- No, I talked to Trey,
and we agreed that we should
492
00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:37,385
paint the room together.
493
00:19:37,427 --> 00:19:38,720
- Let me understand.
494
00:19:38,762 --> 00:19:40,388
You and Trey talked.
495
00:19:40,430 --> 00:19:44,392
You had a bipartisan meeting
across the aisle?
496
00:19:44,434 --> 00:19:46,019
both: Yup.
497
00:19:47,937 --> 00:19:49,898
- The arc of
the moral universe bends
498
00:19:49,939 --> 00:19:52,734
towards you two getting along.
499
00:19:52,776 --> 00:19:54,402
- This is the new mattress?
500
00:19:54,444 --> 00:19:56,154
- Can we jump on it?
501
00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:57,572
- Let's check
your height first.
502
00:19:57,614 --> 00:19:58,573
- Oh, no, no, no.
503
00:19:58,615 --> 00:19:59,908
He's tall enough.
504
00:19:59,949 --> 00:20:01,201
No, no, just bounce
your little heart out.
505
00:20:01,242 --> 00:20:02,369
- Measure me, Mom.
506
00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:03,453
- OK.
507
00:20:03,495 --> 00:20:04,829
All right.
508
00:20:04,871 --> 00:20:06,581
Up 1/2 inch for Jimmy.
509
00:20:06,623 --> 00:20:09,918
Grace, now you.
510
00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:11,252
Ooh.
511
00:20:11,294 --> 00:20:13,088
An inch for Grace.
512
00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:14,339
Now me.
513
00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:15,423
Thank you.
514
00:20:15,465 --> 00:20:16,716
- Whoa.
515
00:20:16,758 --> 00:20:18,176
Growth spurt for Mom,
up 3 inches.
516
00:20:18,218 --> 00:20:20,136
- Mom.
517
00:20:21,638 --> 00:20:23,181
- Ah.
OK.
518
00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:24,474
- OK.
519
00:20:24,516 --> 00:20:25,600
All right.
520
00:20:25,642 --> 00:20:27,769
Uh-- same.
521
00:20:27,811 --> 00:20:29,562
- Well, you're
not shrinking yet.
522
00:20:29,604 --> 00:20:31,815
That's good.
523
00:20:33,692 --> 00:20:35,860
- Trey.
524
00:20:45,245 --> 00:20:46,371
I'm taller.
525
00:20:46,413 --> 00:20:47,706
- [laughs]
526
00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:50,750
[upbeat music]
527
00:20:50,792 --> 00:20:54,087
Look at you,
keeping magazines alive.
528
00:20:54,129 --> 00:20:56,006
- [chuckles]
529
00:20:56,047 --> 00:20:57,590
- Uh-oh.
530
00:20:57,632 --> 00:21:00,510
Just got a notification from
the Royal Luxe Smart Mattress.
531
00:21:00,552 --> 00:21:02,637
Jim just got naked.
532
00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:05,265
- How does the mattress know?
533
00:21:05,306 --> 00:21:07,225
- It's smart.
534
00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:10,687
[chuckles]
535
00:21:10,729 --> 00:21:12,147
- What are you doing?
536
00:21:12,188 --> 00:21:14,566
- Remote temperature
control.
537
00:21:14,607 --> 00:21:16,609
I'm gonna make it colder--
538
00:21:16,651 --> 00:21:19,362
much, much colder.
539
00:21:21,239 --> 00:21:24,159
- [shivering]
540
00:21:29,247 --> 00:21:32,292
* *
36120
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