All language subtitles for Emanuelle.And.The.Porno.Nights.Of.The.World.1978.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX].eng

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(female singing in Italian)
(soft, bass-heavy music)

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(singing continues)

(singing and music continue)

Hey! Hi there, everybody.

It's really great to be back again,

and I'm looking forward a lot to showing
you some of the places I've seen lately.

Everyone calls them "forbidden places,"

but they're only forbidden
before you reach your 18th birthday.

It must be awful for a guy
whose birthday is in a few days,

having to wait outside in the lobby
while his friends, who are 18 last month,

can all come in and enjoy the movie.

Life's tough, eh?
(laughs)

Don't worry, kid. The days will pass
like lightning,

as they did on this trip,
because everything was so marvelous--

Visiting every continent, dedicating
myself to the search for pleasure.

My movies, strange to say, are forbidden
in many cities.

I don't know why.

I wonder what they do in those places
if they hate sex.

And you know, it's people like that
who go to movies with sexy titles,

then complain
about what they see on the screen.

I think they're a bit frightened.

They've never had much sex,

and if they ever really got started
they'd never want to stop.

I'm just sorry
that my trip had come to an end.

I had a wonderful time and I collected
material for at least three movies.

The best things are in this one,
and I know you'll enjoy them immensely.

You may think it's easy to put together
a movie like this one,

but it's not, I assure you.
It requires a lot of concentration,

as you'll see from our first visit
to a spiritualist seance.

Okay?

A group of friends have joined together
to share their convictions

of a spirit life beyond our normal
day-to-day experience.

(ethereal music)

Spirit of Belphegor,

let us hear your voice

to send to visit us here.

Spirit of Belphegor,

visit us.

The power of combined concentration breaks
the invisible barrier,

and the spirit reveals its presence.

(wood table creaking)

(wood table creaking)
(clothes rustling)

Spirit of Belphegor...

(ethereal musical note)
(woman moaning)

But who is this spirit

who has answered the call?

What ethereal being is entering
and possessing this worshiper

at the Shrine of the Unknown?

(otherworldly music continues)
(women moaning)

Can it be some great beauty
of bygone ages?

Cleopatra?

Helen of Troy? Or some famous
courtesan of royal favor,

a plaything of kings?

If none of these,

we must evoke the age-old
wisdom of that great American

folk saying, "Get off the table, Mabel.

The dime's for the beer."

(people moaning)
(strange music continues)

The porno knights of the round table.

The laying on of hands.

Or maybe just the laying.

(moaning continues)
(strange music continues)

Time for a change of scene.

And who wouldn't
rather have a bed than a board?

Those spirits weren't evil.

Just playful, that's all.

Now we'll go and look for real devils
at a black magic ritual

in Austria.

An ancient secret society
whose roots reach back to the dawn of time

gathers to perform the most guarded
and hidden of their ceremonies:

The Black Mass.

(staccato piano notes)
(footsteps)

(ethereal music continues)

Over the years,
the traditional symbols of devil worship

have been gradually replaced by arcane
phrases

and gestures.

(ethereal music continues)

O you who rule

the sacred lake of blood,

who control all knowledge,

who ride on the

night winds, hear our call.

My mouth is that of Osiris,
and I am Orion the great amidst

the souls of Heliopolis.

Thus, I gather the power
of this incantation

from every man who is with us,
and every woman

who is with him.

(ethereal music continues)

I dedicate this sacrifice
to the Supreme Master.

(staccato piano music)

The Devil has his way with the virgin,

acting through his earthly representative,

who is sturdy if no longer young.

In fact, you could call him a sturdy

old man.

(urgent piano music)

(woman moaning)

(all moaning)

Encouraged by the performance,

the others show their admiration.

Imitation
is the sincerest form of flattery.

(all moaning)

(woman moaning, screaming)

(all moaning)

(woman moaning)

(all moaning)

(woman moaning in ecstasy)

(all moaning)

You can't say they don't take
their religion seriously.

It proves that the devil finds work
for idle hands.

From Austria back to the States, to a
midway in Atlanta, where I was told

I'd find a guy with two of what
I don't even have one of.

They said he was doing
a double act in a freak show.

And guess who with? The Siamese twins.

(lively music)

Must have been a different midway.

I never found him,
so I had to look for something else.

Besides the rides and sideshows,
there are games for the whole family.

No, better leave Granny at home.

Step right up, gentlemen.

- Look at that ass.
- Come on, soldier. Have a go.

Okay, sure.

What do you get if you win?

Who knows?

You're doing great! Keep throwing!
- Watch this.

Bullseye!

- There's your prize!
- Just what I need!

Not exactly

the Kewpie doll that Aunt Alice
used to keep on her dresser.

(amusement rides roaring)

Step right up, gentlemen.

Test your virility on the Peter Meter.

Show your gal you've really
got what it takes.

If you're willing to risk it,

you can see the size of your endowment
in colored lights.

What will science think of next?

Sorry, mister.

Don't blame me.
Maybe you had a clumsy rabbi.

Come on, who's next? Come on, sailor.

Do the Navy proud. This way.

(machine dinging)

Maybe they should send for the Marines.

Who's next?

You want to try? This way.

Go on.

- Not your head, stupid.
- I want to see if it's big enough.

(machine dinging)

There it is!

Right up there...

In lights.

(lively music continues)

And now a romantic ride through
the Tunnel of Love.

(demonic noise)

(creature yipping)

(creature screaming)

(man yelling, sound echoing)

(man roaring like lion)

(strange echoing noise)

What a perfect way to end an evening!

(strange echoing noise)

While I was at the midway,

I saw a very interesting man, a magician.

He was really wonderful,

so I decided to follow him,

when he finally returned home to Paris.

I wanted to know his secrets,

and this is the first one I learned.

Find the ladies.

And now the great Armand.

And now, voila.

Watch closely.

Nothing up my sleeve.

Sim sala bim!

And voila!

(audience applauding)
(funky music)

Thank you. Merci.

I present you, monsieur and madams,
Mademoiselle Carmella.

Applause for the lady.

(crowd applauds)

Let's hear it for the lady.

And now I propose to make a
person disappear.

I don't believe it.

No.

- You don't believe it?
- No.

(funky music continues)

Sala salaam.
A voila haddis.

(mumbling)

Hocus pocus kazoo!

Can you still see me?

Kazoo...

Akadeez...

Akalla.

Oh! Oh!

Good grief!

He stripped her!

(audience applauding)

You give her her clothes or
I'll make trouble!

Ala salaam. Hocus pocus.

Kazoo.

(strange echoing noise)

On, brilliant!
Marvelous!

(strange echoing noise)
(funky music continues)

(audience applauds)

You're all wondering how he did that.

But I'm not going to tell.

Someone might try it on a bus,

or at a bar mitzvah.

(audience applauds)
(funky music continues)

What about us?!

Za!

(laughter, applause)

Alors...

Thank you. Merci.

Voila. Hmm?

A silver jewel.

Alors, attention, s'il vous plait.

One... two...

(audience applauds)
(funky music continues)

Ohhh!

Ohh, ohhh.

Ohhhhhh...

Keep your eye on the ball.

(woman gasps My word! )

No. No. Oh.

Et voila!

(strange echoing noise)

(audience laughs, cheers)

And another!

It flies through the air
with the greatest of ease.

Now you see it.

No, you don't.

Voila. Merci.

Thank you.

Merci.

Mademoiselle Carmella.

Attention.

Thank you.

To your health.

Abra cadabra Kabul.

Armand has tricks for every audience.

He's great with kiddies.

Watch closely.

But tonight he's been working in a
Paris nightclub,

where they're ready for anything.

(audience applauds)

As we've seen, men
like taking women's clothes off.

You might call it
a way of liberating women.

And as far as the young ladies
are concerned, they don't try to resist.

They enjoy it.

There are some
who even help out with the work.

I'll give you a demonstration.

How do you like it?

(funky music)

But most girls expect a little something
in exchange for getting stripped.

From a vine-covered penthouse with a
mink-lined bidet,

to the ten bucks a tug that the apostles
of Terpsichory charge in this Munich

nightspot.

(funky music continues)

♪ We got love ♪

Every one of these ribbons is linked

to a vital part of her costume,

So you never know what your
investment will net you.

(male singer vocalizing over funk music)

(piano solo over funky music)

They're playing for high stakes.

When it comes to veils,

Salome just wasn't in it.

(funk music continues)

Now the cashier is getting into the act.

But why not?
She's got the money.

(hard funk music segues to lighter funk)

We went around
looking at German nightlife.

I could write a book about it now.

They never take anything seriously,

and they really enjoy debunking legends.

They maintain that they
can trace everything to sex.

Take the story of Lady Godiva,
for example.

She was the wife of a
small-town big shot.

She agreed to sacrifice her modesty
to a worthy cause

by riding downtown
naked on a white stallion.

History doesn't tell us
whether she stopped

at a local dive for a drink.

(light funk music continues)

As a stallion,
he looks a bit of an ass.

Maybe she's not his type.

We haven't got time for the waiting game,
but good luck, Lady Godiva.

(man vocalizing over funk music)

(music segues to half-time tempo)

Now we go to another land,

to Norway,

Norway of the fjords,
to examine the way

that the erotic enriches itself

with poetry and music

on an island near the mainland,

in a balletic orgy.

(soft sensual music)

So she was lying down
and she let me love her.

She, in her fashion,
smiled at the depth of my love.

The sea swirl over,

in the infinite immensity
of their passion.

And her arms and legs,

her thighs as spices, undulated,

and nothing more divine
is then in mine eyes,

visions of her separate vices, her breasts
and her belly, grapes of my vine

where wine is.

(soft romantic music)
(camera clicks)

(camera shutter clicks)
(soft sensual music continues)

(flute solo over sensual music)

How I longed to join the flower of love,
like one petal near the other petals,

and bloom together in the hot sun
of universal pleasure.

Those who do not share
these feelings cannot share them,

nor will we force them to.

It is their limitation, not ours.

Don't you agree, Ajita?

Oh, yes, I'm ready for anything,

even if there are some hypocrites
who say that it's wrong to swing.

I frankly admit that
although I prefer men, I can also make out

with a girl some of the time.

(acoustic guitar)

(soft, sensual music)

After all, what harm is there in that?

We all need a little change
once in a while, and a change is as good

as a rest.

We are in an exclusive private club
in Marseilles,

where I stopped off on my way to Tokyo.

(light music continues)

Ajita recommended the place.

We both share the same tastes.

I thought of those immortal lines,

"Come lie on me as on a wave

and blend the perfume of your breasts
to make a flower

in the placid garden of pleasure."

(light music continues)

Ajita came to see the show

and I spoke to her afterwards.

I really prefer doing it at home.

There's nothing more wonderful
than being with someone

who wants to learn all the tricks.

And I'm actually a superb teacher.

(light instrumental music plays)

During the weeks I was
staying in Japan,

I had a fine opportunity
to appreciate

that dedication to pleasure isn't confined
to the upper classes or to the wealthy.

It embraces everybody
at almost every social level.

I perform 30 or 40
transplants a year.

The number would be much higher
if patient and partner did not demand

a substitute of exceptional dimensions.

I want to know if there's any

serious risk in the operation.
And about the price,

is the hospital
included in the overall charge?

Yes, the figure includes hospital
and everything,

but I'm afraid operation is
patient's own risk.

Although so far, most results
have been excellent.

Here is a typical middle class housewife
who expects, naturally enough,

that her husband should be able
to fulfill his marital obligations.

And if nature has failed to provide

an adequate endowment,
she turns to medical science.

They perform transplants in Japan that
no other country has so far dared to try.

The cost, with free choice of the
substitute organ, is approximately $5,000.

Doctor Hu Chi Slim is
one of the experts in the field,

and among the highest paid.

(woman gasps)

You may take your pick.

(ethereal music plays)

But substitute organs have been
taken from healthy young

men who have suffered a premature death,
such as the victims of an accident.

They are removed
while the bodies are still fresh.

That is to say, not more than 24 hours

after cessation of brain activity.

The connecting elements for
the substitute organ

are generally provided
by the patient's own body,

to diminish the risk of rejection.

(strange music continues)

(machine beeping)

If the operation goes wrong at this point,
the patient can sue the hospital...

And if he gets anything,
he'll call it severance pay.

The blood flow to the corpora cavernosa,

which is responsible for the
organ's dimensions,

is controlled by a transistorized
pacemaker inserted near the base

of the urinary canal.

(strange music continues)
(machine beeping)

This operation is so complex,

it seems like something out of science
fiction.

But modern surgical techniques

have reached a level of perfection
which permits warmly-welcomed results,

even in such a sensitive field.

Thank you, Professor.

And best wishes, sir,

and madam.

And now,
who would like to start organizing

charter flights to Japan?

We then went to New Guinea
after Japan,

looking for locations
for a movie we're hoping to shoot

in the spring of next year.

It'll be very expensive,
but we'll save a little on dresses...

Because I won't wear anything
from the beginning to the very end.

We happened to reach one of

their villages, Barrow, during a wedding,

and we filmed it.

The story's about this.

(tribal music plays)

A wedding is a serious event

for the whole village and its neighbors.

They have an interesting system out there

to free themselves of one of the
white man's fears: an unfaithful wife.

Instead of living

with the worry that his wife
may be making it with his best friend,

the wise and noble savage
has his friends go first,

so his mind is at rest.

The bridegroom waits outside
while one after the other,

the stalwart young men of the tribe
check out the girl's virginity.

Then after performing their duty,
bring out the proof:

a feather stained with blood.

(tribal chanting and music)

(tribal drums play)

(tribal music continues)

(tribal music and chanting continues)

One isn't enough.

They need at least three.

Meanwhile, their friends
sing and dance and prepare the feast.

(smashing pig's head)
(pig squealing)

(tribal chanting continues)
(pig squealing)

(smashing pig's head)
(pig squealing)

(smashing pig's head)
(pig squealing)

(pig squealing)

(tribal music and chanting continues)

(pig squealing)
(head smashed)

(tribal chanting and music continue)

(tribal music continues)
(cavity being opened)

(soft erotic music)

At last, the bridegroom is satisfied

with the proof of his wife's chastity...

And they can get down

to some serious lovemaking.

(light, amusing music continues)

(music segues to soft piano instrumental)

We could talk about love for hours.

The subject has an infinite range
of variations.

Oh, remember we were looking for locations
in New Guinea?

We never found anything
that would have suited us,

and we decided to forget about the movie.

Don't worry.

We have lots of erotic things to show you.

How about Snow White,
to begin with?

(light piano instrumental continues)

I thought of Snow White because
of a cabaret show we saw in Holland:

"Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs."

A fairy tale as romantic as love itself.

(upbeat music)

These cute little fellows are
ready for any sacrifice

that will make Snow White happy.

(upbeat music continues)

(light upbeat music continues)

Just think,

fourteen wandering hands.

Oh, by the way,
don't count the dwarves, please.

Three of them left last week.

They got jobs as
short order cooks.

(light upbeat music continues)

There's strength in numbers,

so be careful, my dear.

United they stand.

(light upbeat music continues)

The boys are trying to decide

who gets to play Prince Charming...

But they're wasting their time.

Snow White has other plans.

(audience applauds)

(laughing)
Isn't that always the way?

Just when you're about to get something,
somebody else grabs it

and you have to be prepared
to make do with part.

(funky bass guitar)

Like these club ladies in Oslo.

When I arrived, I thought it was
a new form of yoga meditation.

But I soon realized that they were just
sharing a common interest in art.

(women moaning)
Art. That's the young man's name.

(women moaning, chairs creaking)

They know he couldn't make them all happy,

but there's no harm in wishful thinking.

(women moaning)

(music continues)

(women moaning)

It makes a change from talks on souffles

or weevil control.

(funky music continues)

(women moaning)

He's certainly keeping them on the edge

of their seats.

(women moaning)

(women moaning)

(women moaning enthusiastically)
(funky music continues)

(women moaning enthusiastically)
(funky music continues)

Well, as I said before, if you can't have
something all to yourself,

you have to make do with the part.

You probably know that Copenhagen
is the capital of the porno film.

I'm going to show you a few of these
so that you can produce some yourself.

It's very easy.

So be sure you watch carefully.

(film projector whirring)

The first thing to observe
is the director.

That's the one with the hat.

He's explaining the situation
to the actors so they'll know what to do.

And he's telling the cameraman
where to put his camera.

Once he has the shot lined up,

he has to encourage the performers

to try to deepen
their interpretation of their roles.

Next, look at the cameraman.

He's responsible for keeping the lens
pointed in the right direction,

and keeping the film
running through the camera.

And he must do these things

while moving from place to place
as the focus of the action changes.

Okay.

The set, as you can see, consists
essentially of a bed.

Now observe the actors.

What's that?

You've been observing them all the time?

Well, really!

How are you ever going to learn?

That's fine, fine.
Okay, cut. Cut.

Kathleen's ready for the interview,
if you are.

Kathleen is a serious professional,
and her films

are in great demand
with the whole movie public.

We'll have to interview her, too, but
we'll wait till she's finished her work.

A recent survey revealed the sales of
your film shorts are booming.

I understand that you have played
the leading role in 198 of these films,

opposite both men and women.

How old are you, Kathleen?
- 30.

What nationality are you?

Oh, I'd really prefer not to say.

Are you married, Kathleen?

Do you have any children?

No children.

I see, no children.

But you do have a husband.

Do you like working with him
as a director?

Yes, and I really love him.

Where did you meet your husband?

On the set of a porn film.

Tell me, to
what do you attribute your success?

Well,

I think I go down
well with the public because of my looks.

That is, I'm not particularly beautiful.

So the average housewife

can identify with me and feel that,
without having to be Elizabeth Taylor,

she can still express her
inner sensuality.

- Have you been in this game long?
- Five years.

I started out as a model for porn mags,

but photographs are so cold
and the poses are so unnatural.

It's hard to believe some of them.

Movies take more effort,
but they're more satisfying.

When you are acting a part, Kathleen,
do you live the character?

I mean, do you actually feel
the character's emotions

up to the point of orgasm?

No, not all the time, but quite often.

Of course, I always get excited,
and my husband encourages me

to satisfy my requires.

Otherwise, I might develop a
frustration anxiety,

which would interfere
with our private life.

Mr. Herd, if I'm not mistaken, you've also
directed straight films or art films.

It's impossible for a serious director
to make a good art film these days,

especially in Denmark,
because the costs have become prohibitive

and the good actors get lured away
by the money they can make in America.

Excuse me for asking,
but doesn't it bother you to see your wife

making love with a lot of men
who are all younger than you?

No.

Then I guess you're not the
jealous type, are you?

Not exactly.

You see, I married Kathleen
because she was predisposed to play roles

like this.
- If you want to work for this company...

And I think of what she does with other men

as a dress rehearsal for
what she does with me.

- Do you make love frequently?
- Very frequently.

And believe me, without a camera around
is much more beautiful.

But as for our work, I can tell you
we have a vast public.

We make thousands of copies
of some of our films.

Often the negative is worn out.

(film camera whirring)
(jaunty music begins)

Do you agree, Kathleen, that
lovemaking in private is more beautiful?

Oh, I do.

It's lovely with him.

It's so interesting.

Do you find it interesting?

For me, the act of making love
is a sort of wish fulfillment.

Sometimes I have Kathleen
adopt various

types of personality.

She can perform like a schoolgirl
or a hustler or a nymphomaniac.

So she's as good as a dozen wives,
not only one.

Do you write your own screenplays?

Quite often, I do.

I take them from the classics.

They're very entertaining,
and our public just eats them up,

especially if they are
based on ancient history.

And they are profitable, too,
I must admit.

There's no point in

prostituting your talent unless you are
well remunerated these days, is there?

Well, that's certainly talking straight.

And how do you feel, Kathleen?

I agree.

There we are, the perfect couple.

Now you know all the secrets
of making home movies.

It's easy, isn't it?

I'll just run over the rules again.

First, take your wife...

(jaunty music continues)

A beautiful pair, eh?

And precious, too.

Treat them delicately.

This way.

Carefully,

like rare flowers.

Women should always be treated
gently. Protected,

like little children.

For example, no thoughtful husband
would leave his wife

alone for the evening without tying her up,
so she can't get into trouble.

(upbeat music plays)

Well, I guess her husband didn't
know his sailor's knots.

We saw this act in a theater in Madrid.

The audience was very enthusiastic.

That's why they need bars.

No wonder she had to get untied.

She's expecting visitors,

and obviously they want
a loose woman.

(pop music continues)

(pop music continues)

(pop music with female vocals continues)

Among the most important parts of a woman
are her breasts.

And lots of women
insure them against theft.

Of course, to get a policy, you need
accurate measurements to identify them,

and it's advisable to avoid
too much rough and tumble.

Like this bubble bath boxing bout
we saw in Montreal.

Or was it wrestling?

The girls, as you can see,
are fully clothed,

compared to some of what
we've seen before.

And with all those soap suds,
no one can say that the show's dirty.

(audience cheering)

The object of the contest
isn't very clear, but the audience doesn't

seem to mind.

It's like Saturday night in the
bathhouse, secondhand.

(audience cheering)
(lively music playing)

They can't complain that there's
nothing to get a grip on.

But as fighters, they're both
on the skids. Oops!

(women arguing)
(crowd cheering)

(music continues)

(audience cheering)
(suds splashing)

He's going to show them how it's done.

Hey, that's not fair,

two against one!

Frankly, he doesn't look as if
he minds it very much.

(crowd cheering, suds splashing)
(music continues)

And now for the future.

The age of rockets, of trips to the moon,

and visitors from beyond outer space.

What would you do if a flying saucer
landed in your cabbage patch?

Or if a space visitor
transported you to a far distant world?

How would you treat his amorous advances?

It might be your chance
to found a new race.

Here we see a magic meeting
interpreted in ballet form.

A galactic encounter in the space age.

(spacey music plays)

(music becomes more upbeat)

(funky music continues)

Making love on a bed of clouds,

under a blanket of stars...

Or a rocket trip to the Milky Way.

It must be heavenly...

But we have to get back down to Earth...

(laughs)

And our next stop takes us back to Europe,

a small theater
in a suburb of Rome, Italy.

The place is very popular.

It draws very big crowds.

They do striptease nightly.

The girls are nonprofessionals
who do it for fun.

They simply like exposure.

But the public certainly expects
the act to be good.

Ah, look who's here.

Good evening, one and all,

and welcome to the show.

As you can see, we have a television
camera with us tonight,

so I hope you'll all contribute

to making this one of the most exciting
evenings of the year.

Now, for our first contestant
of the evening,

we present Miss Rosa Lapizza
of (indistinct).

(audience applauds, chatters)

The audience are the judges
of this striptease contest.

It renews the ancient traditions
of the Roman crowds at the gladiatorial

displays in the Colosseum.

Any girl who doesn't win over the audience
soon finds herself getting booed,

hissed, insulted and pelted with rotten
vegetables.

Bricks are forbidden.

(men booing, yelling)

Get out of here!

And now we present
Miss Violetta Fettuccine of Titaly.

It's a very demanding audience,

but clearly they know what they're looking
for as a result of having seen it

in lots of movies
and certain types of magazines.

Any girl who thinks she can get by
just showing off

her cleavage and garters
is in for a shock.

(men booing, jeering)

And now,

your very own Peena Scallapena
of Caracalla.

(men starting to cheer appreciatively)
Come on, show us something, baby.

The crowd calms down
a little as the show goes on,

mainly because they're running
out of vegetables.

But this mess is also a bit

more to their taste.

(audience applauds)

(men hoot and holler)

(men hoot and holler)

Miss Philomena Mozzarella of
Trusteverly.

(men jeer)

They're really giving her

the thumbs down.

But she looks tough enough to
take it.

(cafe music with accordion)
(men jeer)

(men booing, yelling)

Hands off! Get yourself
a working girl!

Please, please, gentlemen!

- You're no gentlemen!
- Calm down.

Calm down, please!

(men continue jeering)

(music fades off)
(crowd quiets down)

And now our final contestant,

a real sweetie-- Lisa Sabayone!

(men applaud)
(funk music plays)

(men hoot and holler)

Note the sexy style...
Rhythm in motion...

Cheek to cheek, you might say.

Pants are going to be hot. Going to
burn my fingers. And they did!

(men continue to cheer, applaud)
(funky music continues)

The enthusiasm grows to a climax.

This girl knows how to blend
art and science,

elegance and flirtatiousness,

seductiveness and purity,
bringing the evening to a successful end.

No doubt she gets to take home some

those vegetables.

(funky music plays)

(segues to soft, sensual music)
(automobile traffic)

Well, we've almost reached the end.

I've taken you to visit
a lot of interesting places,

but now I want to show you

one of the most fascinating things
I've seen.

On my arrival in New York at the airport,
an old pal happened to be there.

I was all excited about Manhattan,

but he told me to get right back on
the plane and head for California.

They were just about to hold
the annual beauty contest,

and it was something I'd be crazy to miss.

It happens once a year at the end of May,
and people come to it

from all the nearby states
and even as far away as Florida.

Men and women take part, hoping to win
the titles of "The Most Attractive Man

on the West Coast,"
and "The Most Beautiful Woman

in the South."

(crowd mum me ring)

The contestants parade past
a crowd of mothers and fathers,

uncles and aunts and children of all ages.

(crowd mum me ring)

(man)
There's one.

It's a friendly gathering, and the
beauties taking part come from all over

to show off their special talents.

(funky music plays)

Apart from the pleasure of exhibitionism
very evident among the women,

there's also the secret hope
that some photographer or talent scout

may open way to the world
of modeling, the stage, or the movies.

(funk music with male vocals continues)

I wonder if they have contests

like this in Russia.

Maybe the winters are too cold.

Or perhaps they think it was indecent.

How lucky we are to live
in the free world.

(funk music with male vocals continues)

It's interesting to note
how calmly the audience watches the show,

taking it all in
like any other sporting event.

(funk segues to carnival-esque music)

(carnival-esque music continues)

This is why they call America

the land of liberty.

Too bad they can't export some of it.

(segues to soft, sensual music)

Well, our trip is over now.

It's been nice, and I'm
getting ready to go on a third.

But I'm having myself a holiday first.

I have a place of my own near the sea.

And there's golf, with tennis,
of course.

Everything including a
beautiful, handsome man.

We often have friends who come to stay.

After all, I have to tell someone
about all the things

I've seen and done.

My friends really enjoy talking.

They like discussing sex
and why people are afraid to talk

about such things,
even though they think about them.

It's curious how they try to justify
their incapacity to enjoy life.

Pleasure for its own sake
has no meaning to them.

They think it's sinful to enjoy living,
but it isn't.

It's really very nice if you know
how to get everything you can out of it,

and I am an expert at it.

I wish I could show all of you
what I mean personally,

but even I would find that
a little tiring.

You'll just have to pretend that I'm there
with you.

Bye-bye for now!

Until the next time!

(soft music plays)
(flute solo)