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00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:08,100
Amazon Women On The Moon 1987 English
2
00:01:18,164 --> 00:01:20,166
[BRAKE SETS]
3
00:01:39,060 --> 00:01:41,562
♪ [HUMMING] ♪
4
00:01:46,156 --> 00:01:47,727
- [RINGS]
- Hello?
5
00:01:49,445 --> 00:01:51,990
No. You got
the wrong number.
6
00:01:52,073 --> 00:01:54,075
Yeah, but ain't no
Thelma here, man.
7
00:01:54,158 --> 00:01:57,161
♪ [LOUNGE] ♪
8
00:02:16,556 --> 00:02:18,558
[BLOWS NOSE]
9
00:02:34,073 --> 00:02:36,075
[MUTTERING]
10
00:02:38,911 --> 00:02:40,913
- [GARBAGE DISPOSAL GRINDS]
- [GRUNTS]
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00:02:43,583 --> 00:02:46,961
[CHOKING, WHIMPERING]
12
00:02:47,045 --> 00:02:50,965
[WHIMPERING, SCREAMS]
13
00:02:51,049 --> 00:02:53,551
- [DISPOSAL STOPS]
- [GASPING]
14
00:02:53,635 --> 00:02:56,137
[WATER RUNNING]
15
00:02:58,556 --> 00:03:00,516
[WATER SHUTS OFF]
16
00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:02,602
- Jesus!
- [PHONE RINGS]
17
00:03:04,896 --> 00:03:07,398
- [CONTINUES RINGING]
- I'm coming!
18
00:03:15,114 --> 00:03:19,744
What? Man, there ain't
no Thelma here!
19
00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:24,791
[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
20
00:03:47,397 --> 00:03:49,941
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
- [SCREECHES]
21
00:03:59,117 --> 00:04:01,619
[PANTING]
22
00:04:08,626 --> 00:04:10,628
God.
23
00:04:35,611 --> 00:04:38,114
[TV SIZZLING]
24
00:04:47,540 --> 00:04:50,251
[CREAKING]
25
00:04:51,669 --> 00:04:53,880
[LOUD CRASH]
26
00:04:55,590 --> 00:04:58,843
[PHONE RINGS]
27
00:04:58,926 --> 00:05:01,679
[CONTINUES RINGING]
28
00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:06,309
- [RINGING STOPS]
- [SHOUTING] What?
29
00:05:06,392 --> 00:05:09,854
Ain't no fucking' Thelma
here, man!
30
00:05:09,937 --> 00:05:13,274
Look, the bitch don't
live here! Fuck you too!
31
00:05:13,358 --> 00:05:16,527
[SCREAMS]
Shit! Fuck!
32
00:05:16,611 --> 00:05:18,821
[GRUNTS, SCREAMS]
33
00:05:18,905 --> 00:05:21,908
[SCREAMING]
34
00:05:27,622 --> 00:05:30,667
Hello. I'm Dr Warren G. Easterbrook...
35
00:05:30,750 --> 00:05:33,461
Chairman of the President's
Commission on Education...
36
00:05:33,544 --> 00:05:36,464
and I would like to talk to you
about an ever-growing problem...
37
00:05:36,547 --> 00:05:39,217
the short attention span
of today's youth.
38
00:05:39,300 --> 00:05:42,303
Weaned as they are on television,
young people today...
39
00:05:42,387 --> 00:05:44,472
can't seem to pay attention
for more than a few mo...
40
00:05:46,891 --> 00:05:50,520
[MAN] Pethouse Video presents
an in-depth...
41
00:05:50,603 --> 00:05:53,231
up close and personal look...
42
00:05:53,314 --> 00:05:57,610
at Pethouse Plaything
Taryn Steele.
43
00:05:57,694 --> 00:06:01,322
[WOMAN NARRATING] Oh, so many
neat things have happened to me in my life.
44
00:06:01,406 --> 00:06:05,243
Being named homecoming queen,
making the cheerleading squad.
45
00:06:05,326 --> 00:06:08,621
But the neatest thing ever was
when I was recently chosen...
46
00:06:08,705 --> 00:06:10,790
the Pethouse Plaything
of the Month.
47
00:06:12,250 --> 00:06:14,419
But being a Plaything
hasn't changed me.
48
00:06:14,502 --> 00:06:16,713
I'm still the same Taryn.
49
00:06:18,965 --> 00:06:23,177
When I was first chosen,
I was, like, really immature.
50
00:06:23,261 --> 00:06:25,888
But I've grown so much
since then.
51
00:06:25,972 --> 00:06:27,974
I can hardly believe it's me.
52
00:06:29,100 --> 00:06:32,729
I'm a beach person
and a night person.
53
00:06:32,812 --> 00:06:36,441
I really feel sorry for anyone
who doesn't live in California...
54
00:06:36,524 --> 00:06:39,694
'cause we've got it all...
the mountains, the sun.
55
00:06:39,777 --> 00:06:42,572
And, like, there's no humidity.
56
00:06:42,655 --> 00:06:45,074
It really blows me away.
57
00:06:45,158 --> 00:06:49,537
Here, out of the public eye,
I can just fade into the crowd.
58
00:06:49,620 --> 00:06:53,541
In New York, I get hassled all the time.
I don't understand it.
59
00:06:53,625 --> 00:06:57,795
Laguna offers me
peace and solitude...
60
00:06:57,879 --> 00:07:00,882
away from the pressure
of being a Plaything.
61
00:07:00,965 --> 00:07:04,886
Here in Laguna,
I can just let my mind go blank.
62
00:07:08,514 --> 00:07:10,516
Art is my life.
63
00:07:15,146 --> 00:07:18,191
I love to browse
Laguna's art galleries...
64
00:07:18,274 --> 00:07:20,735
and my dream is to one day...
65
00:07:20,818 --> 00:07:24,447
have some of my things
hanging here.
66
00:07:24,530 --> 00:07:28,534
But my real strength
comes from my family...
67
00:07:28,618 --> 00:07:31,954
and my strong
religious upbringing.
68
00:07:32,038 --> 00:07:36,626
I'll always be grateful to my mom and
dad and the values they've given me...
69
00:07:36,709 --> 00:07:41,756
which help me take on
the awesome responsibilities...
70
00:07:41,839 --> 00:07:44,050
of Plaything of the Month.
71
00:08:00,608 --> 00:08:03,820
Selma, look at this reception.
72
00:08:06,823 --> 00:08:10,118
- [CLICK]
- Beaver, did you bring home a note from your teacher today?
73
00:08:10,201 --> 00:08:12,745
Oh, no, Dad. That's one of your jokes
I haven't heard before.
74
00:08:12,829 --> 00:08:16,541
- [WOMAN] Record warm temperatures tomorrow.
- Unbelievable!
75
00:08:16,624 --> 00:08:18,668
Best investment I ever made.
[KISS]
76
00:08:18,751 --> 00:08:21,629
[WEATHERCASTER CONTINUES, INDISTINCT]
77
00:08:21,713 --> 00:08:23,673
[SIGHS]
78
00:08:25,550 --> 00:08:29,762
You haven't been out
of this house in two weeks.
79
00:08:29,846 --> 00:08:32,515
Lows will warm up just a bit.
80
00:08:32,598 --> 00:08:35,143
What the hell has happened
to my remote?
81
00:08:37,395 --> 00:08:40,023
Sunny skies
for the remainder of the day.
82
00:08:40,106 --> 00:08:42,066
Murray?
83
00:08:42,150 --> 00:08:44,986
Embedded in those clouds.
And here in the southern...
84
00:08:45,069 --> 00:08:47,071
Excuse me, sir.
We're on the air.
85
00:08:47,155 --> 00:08:49,699
Selma!
Get me out of here!
86
00:08:49,782 --> 00:08:51,784
I must've pressed
the wrong button.
87
00:08:51,868 --> 00:08:56,289
Murray, what are you
doing on the weather?
88
00:08:56,372 --> 00:09:01,377
I don't know. Press something.
Bring me back!
89
00:09:01,461 --> 00:09:03,838
Here!
90
00:09:03,921 --> 00:09:08,092
[MAN] Swung on,
and it's a high fly ball to centre field.
91
00:09:08,176 --> 00:09:12,347
- Wait a minute! There's a fan on the field!
- [CROWD BOOING]
92
00:09:12,430 --> 00:09:15,016
♪ Make me wanna stay ♪
♪ If this is it ♪
93
00:09:15,099 --> 00:09:19,520
♪ - Doo wah ♪
♪ - Now I'm trapped in a rock video! Anything but this! ♪
94
00:09:19,604 --> 00:09:23,900
♪ If this ain't love ♪
♪ you better let me go ♪
95
00:09:23,983 --> 00:09:25,985
♪ - If this is it ♪
♪ - Doo wah ♪
96
00:09:27,111 --> 00:09:29,906
Selma! Help me!
97
00:09:29,989 --> 00:09:32,367
♪ - If this ain't love, baby ♪
♪ - Wait. Wait. ♪
98
00:09:32,450 --> 00:09:35,995
- Selma!
- I'm looking for the booklet.
99
00:09:39,540 --> 00:09:44,379
♪ - [OMINOUS] ♪
♪ - Oh, no. I'm in black and white. ♪
100
00:09:44,462 --> 00:09:46,839
Where am I?
101
00:09:49,008 --> 00:09:53,054
- [GROWLING]
- Selma!
102
00:09:53,137 --> 00:09:57,058
[MURRAY]
Help!
103
00:10:03,773 --> 00:10:06,109
Selma!
Selma!
104
00:10:06,192 --> 00:10:10,113
This is what you get
for throwing out the directions.
105
00:10:10,196 --> 00:10:13,950
Help! Help me!
106
00:10:14,033 --> 00:10:15,910
♪ - [MELLOW JAZZ] ♪
♪ - [GASPS] ♪
107
00:10:15,994 --> 00:10:18,913
Here you can leave me
for the night.
108
00:10:21,416 --> 00:10:23,918
You should be so lucky.
109
00:10:27,797 --> 00:10:29,799
- Yech!
- [TWITTERING]
110
00:10:31,217 --> 00:10:36,014
- [CHUCKLING]
- Where am I?
111
00:10:36,097 --> 00:10:38,182
You're on the Disney Channel.
112
00:10:38,266 --> 00:10:41,769
At least I know you won't
catch anything there.
113
00:10:41,853 --> 00:10:46,524
- Fun is fun, Selma, but I want to come home.
- [CHUCKLING] I'm trying.
114
00:10:46,607 --> 00:10:50,570
[MAN] 500 million people
are watching via satellite...
115
00:10:50,653 --> 00:10:55,199
as the president and first lady Deplane
for this historic Moscow visit.
116
00:10:55,283 --> 00:10:58,161
They look fit and rested.
Wait a minute.
117
00:10:58,244 --> 00:11:01,456
An unidentified man
has emerged from Air Force One.
118
00:11:01,539 --> 00:11:05,418
He seems, believe it or not,
to be clad only in his underwear.
119
00:11:05,501 --> 00:11:08,296
- The Secret Service have grabbed him.
- Where am I? I'm innocent!
120
00:11:08,379 --> 00:11:11,716
- But who is he and how did he get on board?
- I was only watching television!
121
00:11:11,799 --> 00:11:14,344
- He appears to be deranged.
- Help! Selma!
122
00:11:17,889 --> 00:11:19,891
[MAN]
I'm so proud of you, Brenda...
123
00:11:19,974 --> 00:11:22,644
getting through the delivery
without any an aesthetic.
124
00:11:22,727 --> 00:11:25,647
Well, I had the best
Lamaze coach in the world.
125
00:11:25,730 --> 00:11:29,192
When do we get to see the baby?
It's been eight hours.
126
00:11:29,275 --> 00:11:32,111
Well, you remember the film
they showed us in class.
127
00:11:32,195 --> 00:11:35,823
There's all kinds of tests
they have to perform on a new born child.
128
00:11:35,907 --> 00:11:38,326
- So.
- That's true.
129
00:11:38,409 --> 00:11:40,662
Ah!
There's my favourite couple.
130
00:11:40,745 --> 00:11:43,498
- Mr and Mrs Flanders.
- That's Landers.
131
00:11:43,581 --> 00:11:46,709
Right, right. Flanders
is uraemic poisoning on 39.
132
00:11:47,752 --> 00:11:49,712
- So.
- Um.
133
00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:52,674
Nice stitch work,
if I say so myself.
134
00:11:52,757 --> 00:11:56,135
Doctor, we'd like to see our son.
The nurses keep giving us the run around.
135
00:11:56,219 --> 00:11:58,554
I'd like nothing better
than to bring you both your son...
136
00:11:58,638 --> 00:12:00,640
but have you looked around
this hospital?
137
00:12:00,723 --> 00:12:02,684
There are sick people here.
138
00:12:02,767 --> 00:12:06,562
I just saw this old guy in the hallway
with these gnarly scabs all over his body.
139
00:12:06,646 --> 00:12:08,856
Gross me out!
[GAGS, SHUDDERS]
140
00:12:08,940 --> 00:12:12,402
- I'm not about to expose your little Jeffrey...
- Nicholas.
141
00:12:12,485 --> 00:12:14,529
To that.
142
00:12:14,612 --> 00:12:17,615
- I've got a solemn oath to uphold here.
- Doctor...
143
00:12:17,699 --> 00:12:20,326
Brenda and I are both
Lamaze graduates...
144
00:12:20,410 --> 00:12:25,290
and we've never heard of quarantining
a healthy infant before.
145
00:12:25,373 --> 00:12:27,750
Ooh, Lamaze.
146
00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:31,754
Well, I forgot that you spent
three whole weekends sitting on a floor...
147
00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:33,673
learning how to breathe.
148
00:12:33,756 --> 00:12:36,634
I had to get by on a degree
from Harvard Medical School!
149
00:12:36,718 --> 00:12:41,431
Please, it's important to us to see
our child. You've heard of bonding.
150
00:12:41,514 --> 00:12:43,808
- Uh.
- Doctor.
151
00:12:43,891 --> 00:12:47,145
We'd like to spend a little quality time
with our son, please.
152
00:12:47,228 --> 00:12:51,065
A little quality time with your son?
That would be beautiful.
153
00:12:51,149 --> 00:12:55,236
You people.
[SCOFFS]
154
00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:58,614
- What's with that guy?
- [WOMAN ON P.A.] Mrs Fernandez, front desk.
155
00:12:58,698 --> 00:13:02,410
He's supposed to be
the top man in his field.
156
00:13:02,493 --> 00:13:05,246
Well, when he brings in little Jeffrey,
we're going.
157
00:13:05,330 --> 00:13:07,582
- Nicholas!
- [DOCTOR] Here we go.
158
00:13:07,665 --> 00:13:10,001
- Here's the little tyke.
- [BOTH] Oh!
159
00:13:10,084 --> 00:13:12,712
- Okay, that's enough germs.
- Wait! Wait a minute.
160
00:13:12,795 --> 00:13:16,299
- We haven't even seen him yet.
- Go ahead, breathe all over him. I don't care.
161
00:13:20,470 --> 00:13:22,722
What is this, some kind
of sick practical joke?
162
00:13:22,805 --> 00:13:24,849
What are you talking about?
He's got your eyes.
163
00:13:24,932 --> 00:13:26,934
Take that hideous thing away.
164
00:13:27,018 --> 00:13:30,188
Come on. They all
look like this at first.
165
00:13:30,271 --> 00:13:36,110
You see, when the baby passes through the
birth canal, its head gets a little pointy.
166
00:13:36,194 --> 00:13:38,529
He should round out
in a couple days. Promise.
167
00:13:38,613 --> 00:13:42,033
That's not a baby.
That's a Mr Potato Head.
168
00:13:42,116 --> 00:13:43,826
Harry, call
the hospital administrator.
169
00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:47,872
Hey! You're right.
This is a Mr Potato Head.
170
00:13:49,374 --> 00:13:51,334
Gosh, they're so lifelike.
171
00:13:51,417 --> 00:13:54,003
Anybody could've made
this mistake.
172
00:13:54,087 --> 00:13:57,382
I'll be right back
with the real Nicholas.
173
00:13:57,465 --> 00:14:01,469
- Harry, what are they doing to us?
- Calm down, Brenda. Calm down.
174
00:14:01,552 --> 00:14:04,180
We don't want you to get
post-part um anxiety.
175
00:14:04,263 --> 00:14:08,726
Now, as soon as we get our son,
I'm going to report this quack.
176
00:14:08,810 --> 00:14:11,229
Thank God you took that
assertiveness training course.
177
00:14:11,312 --> 00:14:13,481
Yeah.
178
00:14:13,564 --> 00:14:15,900
Here's the little tyke.
[CHUCKLING]
179
00:14:15,984 --> 00:14:19,153
- You've been a naughty little baby. Yes, you have.
- [SIGHS]
180
00:14:19,237 --> 00:14:23,658
- Playing peekaboo with Mommy and Daddy.
- About time. Nick, it's your dad.
181
00:14:26,244 --> 00:14:29,414
He's got a strong, determined jaw
just like his old man there.
182
00:14:29,497 --> 00:14:31,666
[IMITATES BABY COOING
AND CRYING]
183
00:14:31,749 --> 00:14:33,793
Whoops.
[IMITATES BABY CRYING]
184
00:14:33,876 --> 00:14:37,046
- Great. Now you made him cry.
- I don't believe this.
185
00:14:37,130 --> 00:14:41,426
[CONTINUES IMITATING
BABY CRYING]
186
00:14:45,054 --> 00:14:48,099
Is this okay?
Would you rather breastfeed him?
187
00:14:48,182 --> 00:14:50,810
- Get away from me!
- I'm gonna kill you!
188
00:14:50,893 --> 00:14:53,354
[GASPS]
What kind of hospital is this?
189
00:14:53,438 --> 00:14:56,774
All right, Mr and Mrs Lamaze!
190
00:14:56,858 --> 00:15:00,737
You see, due to a slight clerical error,
your son has been temporarily misplaced.
191
00:15:00,820 --> 00:15:04,615
- You lost our son?
- Did I say lost? I said misplaced!
192
00:15:04,699 --> 00:15:09,495
I'm suing you for... for malpractice,
negligence you name it!
193
00:15:09,579 --> 00:15:14,292
Just jump all over me! What about
the nine kids I didn't lose this week?
194
00:15:14,375 --> 00:15:17,378
My baby! What have they
done with my baby?
195
00:15:17,462 --> 00:15:21,466
It was your fault. If you hadn't distracted me
with that video equipment in the delivery room...
196
00:15:21,549 --> 00:15:24,218
I might not have misplaced
your little brat!
197
00:15:24,302 --> 00:15:27,138
- Doctor. We found him.
- See?
198
00:15:27,221 --> 00:15:31,726
- He was down the hall in the laundry hamper.
- [BOTH] Oh!
199
00:15:31,809 --> 00:15:33,811
Oh, he's beautiful.
200
00:15:33,895 --> 00:15:37,231
I hope you're both
ashamed of yourselves.
201
00:15:37,315 --> 00:15:41,486
All this hysteria when he was safe
and sound not 20 feet from this room.
202
00:15:41,569 --> 00:15:46,157
Doctor, you're due in surgery
for that kidney transplant.
203
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:48,242
Where's the donor organ?
204
00:15:48,326 --> 00:15:50,328
The donor organ?
205
00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:54,278
God, I had it with me
when I left the house this morning.
206
00:15:57,752 --> 00:16:01,589
[MAN] Good morning and welcome
to Movies Till Sunrise.
207
00:16:01,673 --> 00:16:06,260
Our feature presentation
is the 1954 science fiction classic...
208
00:16:06,344 --> 00:16:08,596
Amazon Women on the Moon...
209
00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:12,100
starring Laird Granger
and Greta Van Zandt...
210
00:16:12,183 --> 00:16:16,229
complete and uncut, with no
commercial interruptions.
211
00:16:16,312 --> 00:16:18,272
This used to be me.
212
00:16:18,356 --> 00:16:21,192
Old before my years,
ignored by women...
213
00:16:21,275 --> 00:16:23,277
passed over for promotions.
214
00:16:23,361 --> 00:16:25,780
But now all that has changed.
215
00:16:28,032 --> 00:16:30,743
Hi. I'm Sy Swerdlow...
216
00:16:30,827 --> 00:16:34,539
and I invented the patented process
known as hair looming.
217
00:16:34,622 --> 00:16:39,585
If you suffer from premature hair loss,
let our team of technicians...
218
00:16:39,669 --> 00:16:43,798
visit you in the privacy
of your home...
219
00:16:43,881 --> 00:16:46,509
so there will be
no embarrassment.
220
00:16:46,592 --> 00:16:49,137
You choose from our selection...
221
00:16:49,220 --> 00:16:52,515
of over 200 colours and styles.
222
00:16:52,598 --> 00:16:56,602
Then your head
will be carpeted...
223
00:16:56,686 --> 00:16:59,522
- with 100% pure acrylic fibre,
- [WHIRRING]
224
00:16:59,605 --> 00:17:01,607
- completely natural-looking.
- [TACKING]
225
00:17:03,568 --> 00:17:05,737
You can sleep in it.
226
00:17:05,820 --> 00:17:08,114
You can shower in it.
227
00:17:08,197 --> 00:17:10,783
[VACUUMING]
228
00:17:10,867 --> 00:17:13,286
It changed my life...
229
00:17:14,912 --> 00:17:17,040
and it'll change yours.
230
00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:19,125
Call toll free.
231
00:17:19,208 --> 00:17:22,837
1-800-GET-HAIR.
232
00:17:50,823 --> 00:17:53,451
[RADIO STATIC]
233
00:17:56,746 --> 00:18:00,291
- Well, men, I've been studying this map of the lunar surface...
- [MONKEY CHATTERING]
234
00:18:00,375 --> 00:18:03,086
and I've chosen the dark side
as our landing site.
235
00:18:03,169 --> 00:18:08,508
- So, don't forget your space beams.
- Roger, Steve.
236
00:18:11,344 --> 00:18:15,139
Just think, Loony, in less than an hour,
we're gonna be on the moon.
237
00:18:15,223 --> 00:18:19,227
The first thing I'm gonna do is carve
me off a hunk of that green cheese.
238
00:18:19,310 --> 00:18:22,897
Now, Butch, you know one of
the purposes of this mission...
239
00:18:22,981 --> 00:18:25,692
is to dispel
some of those myths.
240
00:18:25,775 --> 00:18:28,319
Steve, I've got the president
on the electro-scan.
241
00:18:32,365 --> 00:18:35,410
- Whillikers!
- [BEEP]
242
00:18:35,493 --> 00:18:37,578
[MAN]
Come in, men of Moon Rocket One.
243
00:18:37,662 --> 00:18:41,499
This is the president of the United States
calling from planet Earth.
244
00:18:43,626 --> 00:18:45,586
We read you, Mr President.
245
00:18:45,670 --> 00:18:48,881
This is Steve Nelson,
commander, Moon Rocket One.
246
00:18:48,965 --> 00:18:53,469
Commander Nelson,
this is a proud day for all Americans...
247
00:18:53,553 --> 00:18:56,973
and this year of 1980
will be remembered as the year...
248
00:18:57,056 --> 00:18:59,851
an American
first set foot on the moon.
249
00:18:59,934 --> 00:19:03,313
The governors
of all 48 states join me...
250
00:19:03,396 --> 00:19:05,606
in wishing Godspeed to you...
251
00:19:05,690 --> 00:19:08,026
and your hand-picked team
of scientists.
252
00:19:08,109 --> 00:19:10,153
That's us, Loony.
253
00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:13,364
Thank you, Mr President.
We're proud to serve our country.
254
00:19:13,448 --> 00:19:15,450
Over and out.
255
00:19:16,951 --> 00:19:20,788
Blackie, neutralize
the electro-scan.
256
00:19:20,872 --> 00:19:23,625
- [CLICK]
- Electro-scan neutralized, sir.
257
00:19:23,708 --> 00:19:26,210
There she is, dead ahead!
258
00:19:34,093 --> 00:19:37,055
It's awesome, isn't it?
259
00:19:37,138 --> 00:19:39,766
[BLACKIE] I've got big plans
for that piece of real estate.
260
00:19:39,849 --> 00:19:41,976
I'm going to sell
advertising space on that.
261
00:19:42,060 --> 00:19:45,396
Just picture this...
the world's biggest billboard.
262
00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:47,482
We'll make a bundle.
263
00:19:47,565 --> 00:19:50,109
Hold your horses, Blackie.
264
00:19:50,193 --> 00:19:53,446
This voyage is for
the betterment of mankind.
265
00:19:53,529 --> 00:19:56,115
[VOICE DISTORTS]
Let's not any of us forget that.
266
00:19:56,199 --> 00:19:58,076
[DISTORTED]
Sure, chief.
267
00:20:08,628 --> 00:20:10,630
There goes my lunch.
268
00:20:10,713 --> 00:20:12,674
[GROANS]
269
00:20:12,757 --> 00:20:15,134
It's right up there
with my stomach.
270
00:20:15,218 --> 00:20:19,263
[CHUCKLING]
Prepare for moon landing.
271
00:20:19,347 --> 00:20:23,184
- Initiate rotation system.
- Rotation initiated.
272
00:20:24,102 --> 00:20:26,104
Reverse retros.
273
00:20:26,187 --> 00:20:28,189
Retros reversed.
274
00:20:35,238 --> 00:20:38,700
Steve, we're losing pressure
in the atom chamber.
275
00:20:38,783 --> 00:20:40,785
If it drops any more,
we're goners.
276
00:20:40,868 --> 00:20:45,081
[ALARM SOUNDING]
277
00:20:49,919 --> 00:20:51,921
Quick, Blackie,
switch to the emergency.
278
00:20:53,965 --> 00:20:58,553
♪ Tie a yellow ribbon ♪
♪ round the old oak tree ♪
279
00:20:58,636 --> 00:21:01,306
♪ It's been ♪
♪ three long years ♪
280
00:21:01,389 --> 00:21:04,017
♪ Do ya still want me ♪
281
00:21:04,100 --> 00:21:09,522
♪ If I don't see a ribbon ♪
♪ round the old oak tree ♪
282
00:21:09,605 --> 00:21:12,567
♪ I'll stay on the bus ♪
♪ forget about us ♪
283
00:21:12,650 --> 00:21:14,777
♪ Put the blame on me ♪
284
00:21:14,861 --> 00:21:16,821
Did you know
that every seven minutes...
285
00:21:16,904 --> 00:21:20,450
a black person is born
in this country without soul?
286
00:21:20,533 --> 00:21:23,119
Hello, I'm B.B. King.
287
00:21:23,202 --> 00:21:26,039
Won't you help Don Simmons
and the thousands of others...
288
00:21:26,122 --> 00:21:28,791
that suffer from
this tragic disorder?
289
00:21:28,875 --> 00:21:33,212
Its cruel symptoms can strike anyone.
Let's take a look.
290
00:21:33,296 --> 00:21:37,842
I think the Republican Party has done
one heck of a job. Don't you, June?
291
00:21:37,925 --> 00:21:41,971
I'll say, Ward. We Republicans
have turned this country around.
292
00:21:42,055 --> 00:21:44,098
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
293
00:21:44,182 --> 00:21:47,060
- [SIREN WAILS]
- Safety and good mileage are the two things...
294
00:21:47,143 --> 00:21:49,937
I looked for in a new car.
295
00:21:50,021 --> 00:21:53,441
That's why I bought
a Volvo station wagon.
296
00:21:53,524 --> 00:21:57,987
Hi. I'm president of the David Hartman
Fan Club here in Glendale.
297
00:21:58,071 --> 00:22:01,240
I've even met David Hartman once.
What a neat guy.
298
00:22:04,619 --> 00:22:07,789
♪ Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny ♪
♪ chim-chim cheree ♪
299
00:22:07,872 --> 00:22:11,501
♪ A sweep is as lucky ♪
♪ as lucky can be ♪
300
00:22:11,584 --> 00:22:14,796
♪ Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny ♪
♪ chim-chim cheroo ♪
301
00:22:14,879 --> 00:22:18,257
♪ Good luck will rub off ♪
♪ when I shake hands with you ♪
302
00:22:18,341 --> 00:22:21,552
This is B.B. King saying
won't you please give...
303
00:22:21,636 --> 00:22:24,639
so that Don Simmons here
and so many others...
304
00:22:24,722 --> 00:22:27,141
can become useful members
of society.
305
00:22:27,225 --> 00:22:31,896
♪ Or blow me a kiss ♪
♪ and that's lucky too ♪
306
00:22:31,980 --> 00:22:34,148
Write to.
307
00:22:38,069 --> 00:22:40,113
Thank you.
308
00:22:44,450 --> 00:22:46,452
Be right there.
309
00:22:53,918 --> 00:22:55,878
- Karen?
- Hi.
310
00:22:55,962 --> 00:22:58,023
- Hi. I'm Jerry Stone.
- Hi, Jerry. Nice meeting you.
311
00:22:58,047 --> 00:23:00,526
- I'm sorry. I'm running a little bit late.
- Don't worry about it.
312
00:23:00,550 --> 00:23:02,552
- You look nice.
- Thank you.
313
00:23:04,095 --> 00:23:06,431
- This is a great apartment.
- Thanks.
314
00:23:06,514 --> 00:23:08,516
[SPRAYS]
315
00:23:14,772 --> 00:23:17,191
Uh, I hope you like sushi.
316
00:23:17,275 --> 00:23:20,737
I made reservations
at Tokyo Rose on Columbus.
317
00:23:20,820 --> 00:23:24,365
Great.
I hear it's terrific.
318
00:23:24,449 --> 00:23:26,951
Normally there's a waiting list,
but I know the maitre d.
319
00:23:28,661 --> 00:23:30,705
You know, I gotta tell you...
320
00:23:30,788 --> 00:23:33,666
I never go on blind dates,
but, uh...
321
00:23:33,750 --> 00:23:37,795
I just have a feeling
that this might be special.
322
00:23:39,213 --> 00:23:42,967
Jerry? Before we leave,
do me one small favour, will you?
323
00:23:43,051 --> 00:23:45,053
Sure. What?
324
00:23:45,136 --> 00:23:49,265
Would you mind showing me a credit card
and a valid driver's licence?
325
00:23:49,349 --> 00:23:53,811
- You're kidding. Why?
- I'd like to run a couple compatibility' check.
326
00:23:53,895 --> 00:23:57,482
What the heck is that?
327
00:23:57,565 --> 00:24:00,568
You know, Jerry, it's tough
being a single girl in the big city.
328
00:24:00,652 --> 00:24:02,904
You meet all kinds
of phoneys and creeps.
329
00:24:02,987 --> 00:24:06,157
That's why this machine
comes in handy.
330
00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:10,411
I just enter your I.D., and the central
computer will tell me about your background.
331
00:24:10,495 --> 00:24:13,081
[CHUCKLES] I don't want a bank loan.
I just want to take you out.
332
00:24:13,164 --> 00:24:17,210
I know, but I'd feel better running
a check. Two I.D.'s, please.
333
00:24:17,293 --> 00:24:20,254
You're serious.
334
00:24:20,338 --> 00:24:23,424
- [MACHINE BEEPS]
- It'll just take a minute.
335
00:24:23,508 --> 00:24:26,552
- This is ridiculous, but, uh.
- [PUNCHING NUMBER PAD]
336
00:24:28,554 --> 00:24:30,556
- Here's, uh.
- Three-one-six.
337
00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:33,434
- That's a cute picture. [CHUCKLES]
- MasterCard.
338
00:24:42,276 --> 00:24:44,338
I don't know how I ever got along
without one of these.
339
00:24:44,362 --> 00:24:46,364
Changed my life.
340
00:24:46,447 --> 00:24:48,449
Feel the same way about my VCR.
341
00:24:48,533 --> 00:24:50,994
Ooh. Right now I'm taping
Sophie's Choice with Meryl Streep.
342
00:24:51,077 --> 00:24:54,664
- I love Meryl Streep.
- Oh, I am so into her.
343
00:24:54,747 --> 00:24:56,457
[SIGHS]
344
00:24:56,541 --> 00:24:59,961
- [PRINTER BUZZING]
- Here it comes now.
345
00:25:11,139 --> 00:25:13,141
- [LAUGHS]
- [BELL DINGS]
346
00:25:15,184 --> 00:25:18,896
- All that about me? Geez.
- They are very thorough.
347
00:25:20,815 --> 00:25:24,569
- [GIGGLES] This is great!
- What? What?
348
00:25:29,157 --> 00:25:31,993
- Oh.
- What do you got there?
349
00:25:37,749 --> 00:25:42,003
- Uh-oh. [SIGHS]
- Uh-oh? What's... What's uh-oh?
350
00:25:42,086 --> 00:25:44,088
Jerry...
351
00:25:47,216 --> 00:25:50,345
does the name Debbie Rothenberg
mean anything to you?
352
00:25:50,428 --> 00:25:54,265
Uh Debbie Rothenberg.
Uh.
353
00:25:54,349 --> 00:25:56,601
Oh, yeah.
I think I went out with her once or twice.
354
00:25:56,684 --> 00:26:00,396
You had sex with her on the second date,
and then you never called her again.
355
00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:04,108
- I hate when guys do that.
- It says all that?
356
00:26:04,192 --> 00:26:06,653
[SCOFFS] Does the phrase
You're not only beautiful...
357
00:26:06,736 --> 00:26:10,114
but you're someone I feel I can open up to
mean anything to you?
358
00:26:10,198 --> 00:26:12,200
[CHUCKLES]
359
00:26:12,283 --> 00:26:15,286
I'm not surprised. You've used
that line on your last 16 dates.
360
00:26:15,370 --> 00:26:17,622
Look, this is ridiculous.
361
00:26:17,705 --> 00:26:21,042
Debbie... Uh, Karen,
I think...
362
00:26:21,125 --> 00:26:23,336
that we have something
very special here.
363
00:26:23,419 --> 00:26:26,798
- You're not like the other women you...
- You meet in the city.
364
00:26:26,881 --> 00:26:29,300
See what I mean?
365
00:26:29,384 --> 00:26:31,386
And, Jerry...
366
00:26:33,471 --> 00:26:36,474
I could never get serious
about someone who's selfish in bed.
367
00:26:36,557 --> 00:26:41,396
- Who's selfish in bed?
- Well, how would you describe a man...
368
00:26:41,479 --> 00:26:44,983
who satisfies his own needs
and rolls over and goes to sleep?
369
00:26:45,066 --> 00:26:47,610
- I never did that in my life!
- Eleven times!
370
00:26:47,694 --> 00:26:51,406
- You want names and dates?
- No. No, I do not! Look, hey, hold it.
371
00:26:51,489 --> 00:26:54,575
Anyway, that is just a small fraction
of the hundreds of times...
372
00:26:54,659 --> 00:26:56,661
I've been intimate with women.
373
00:26:56,744 --> 00:26:59,122
We're exaggerating a little,
aren't we, Jerry?
374
00:27:00,999 --> 00:27:04,127
The record only shows
21 sexual intimacies.
375
00:27:06,045 --> 00:27:10,466
- There you are.
- This doesn't jibe with my figures. Okay, sweetie?
376
00:27:10,550 --> 00:27:14,470
Jerry, the statistics don't paint
the picture of a mature man.
377
00:27:14,554 --> 00:27:16,931
Twelve times, you ignored
your date at a party...
378
00:27:17,015 --> 00:27:19,475
to flirt with
a more attractive woman.
379
00:27:19,559 --> 00:27:24,522
169 times, you feigned interest when
a woman was talking about her career.
380
00:27:25,565 --> 00:27:28,943
On 17 occasions,
you lied to women...
381
00:27:29,027 --> 00:27:32,405
telling them you were really into sushi
and Meryl Streep movies.
382
00:27:33,614 --> 00:27:35,658
Make that 18 times.
383
00:27:37,368 --> 00:27:40,204
Wh-Wh-Where do they
get these figures?
384
00:27:40,288 --> 00:27:42,290
As you can see, Jerry...
385
00:27:42,373 --> 00:27:44,876
it would be pointless
for you and I to go out.
386
00:27:44,959 --> 00:27:46,961
Oh, yeah?
387
00:27:47,045 --> 00:27:49,648
Well, I'm gonna get one of those machines
and see how well you come off!
388
00:27:49,672 --> 00:27:52,050
- Okay?
- Goodnight, Jerry.
389
00:27:52,133 --> 00:27:54,552
It's early yet.
Maybe you can still get lucky in a bar.
390
00:27:57,639 --> 00:27:59,641
Like you did last Thursday.
391
00:28:02,518 --> 00:28:04,687
Hello, Beverly?
392
00:28:04,771 --> 00:28:06,939
- [WOMAN] Yeah?
- Hi.
393
00:28:07,023 --> 00:28:10,401
This is Jerry Stone.
We met the other night at Dave's party.
394
00:28:12,153 --> 00:28:15,490
- Oh. Hi.
- Hi.
395
00:28:15,573 --> 00:28:17,825
Listen, I know
it's last minute...
396
00:28:17,909 --> 00:28:21,120
but I wanna ask you,
are you free tonight?
397
00:28:21,204 --> 00:28:23,289
Uh, yeah.
398
00:28:23,373 --> 00:28:25,333
You are. Great.
399
00:28:25,416 --> 00:28:30,171
Listen, I can pick you up
in 10 minutes.
400
00:28:30,254 --> 00:28:32,966
[CHUCKLES]
Sure, okay.
401
00:28:33,049 --> 00:28:36,260
- Oh, Jerry, um.
- Yeah?
402
00:28:36,344 --> 00:28:39,847
Could you bring a major credit card
and a valid driver's licence?
403
00:28:41,933 --> 00:28:43,935
Jerry?
404
00:28:46,479 --> 00:28:51,025
[MAN] Extra Terrestrials.
Strange phenomena.
405
00:28:51,109 --> 00:28:54,529
Missing persons.
Lost continents.
406
00:28:54,612 --> 00:28:57,949
Myths and monsters.
407
00:28:58,032 --> 00:29:01,869
We examine these mysteries
to determine...
408
00:29:01,953 --> 00:29:04,914
are they bullshit or not?
409
00:29:10,628 --> 00:29:12,630
London's West End.
410
00:29:12,714 --> 00:29:16,259
Here, in the winter of 1888...
411
00:29:16,342 --> 00:29:19,762
a series of bizarre
and violent murders occurred...
412
00:29:19,846 --> 00:29:24,309
which remain unsolved
to this very day.
413
00:29:32,025 --> 00:29:34,360
Jack the Ripper.
414
00:29:34,444 --> 00:29:37,947
Was he a prosperous
London surgeon?
415
00:29:38,031 --> 00:29:40,908
Perhaps a member
of British royalty.
416
00:29:40,992 --> 00:29:45,204
Well, our Bullshit team
has unearthed...
417
00:29:45,288 --> 00:29:47,957
spectacular new evidence
which suggests...
418
00:29:49,500 --> 00:29:52,128
that Jack the Ripper
was, in fact...
419
00:29:53,463 --> 00:29:56,090
the Loch Ness monster.
420
00:29:56,174 --> 00:29:59,344
Is it possible that Nessie...
421
00:29:59,427 --> 00:30:04,265
murdered five streetwalkers
before returning to Loch Ness?
422
00:30:04,349 --> 00:30:06,351
Using undiscovered evidence...
423
00:30:06,434 --> 00:30:09,896
we've pieced together the events
leading up to the first murder.
424
00:30:09,979 --> 00:30:12,357
Although this is
a Bullshit re-enactment...
425
00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:15,276
it may have happened
just this way.
426
00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:18,529
Hello, dearie. Show you
a good time for a quid.
427
00:30:18,613 --> 00:30:20,698
Throw the wife in for free.
Oh, gents.
428
00:30:20,782 --> 00:30:24,619
Don't you want a girl
to keep you warm tonight?
429
00:30:24,702 --> 00:30:29,290
[SIGHS] Me mum told me
there would be nights like this.
430
00:30:29,374 --> 00:30:31,876
- [MURMURING]
- Oh, my!
431
00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:35,672
You are a big one,
now, aren't you?
432
00:30:35,755 --> 00:30:37,840
Come on, darling.
433
00:30:40,385 --> 00:30:42,387
[CHORTLING]
434
00:30:44,180 --> 00:30:47,225
[WHEELS SQUEAKING]
435
00:30:50,395 --> 00:30:54,065
Mind you, don't you be
stepping on my feet now.
436
00:30:54,148 --> 00:30:58,027
- [MURMURING]
- Ooh!
437
00:30:58,111 --> 00:31:01,656
Aren't you in an hurry!
Now, will you be careful.
438
00:31:01,739 --> 00:31:04,367
Not so rough, da.
Wait a min.
439
00:31:04,450 --> 00:31:07,245
[SCREAMING]
440
00:31:09,956 --> 00:31:12,208
Is this the way it happened?
441
00:31:12,292 --> 00:31:16,296
Was Jack the Ripper, in fact,
a 60-foot sea serpent from Scotland?
442
00:31:17,755 --> 00:31:21,634
Did I take this job
for a quick buck?
443
00:31:21,718 --> 00:31:25,263
We may never know the answers
to these questions. Next week.
444
00:31:26,139 --> 00:31:28,599
Come on.
445
00:31:28,683 --> 00:31:31,477
[MAN] To recap the three movies
that we reviewed this week...
446
00:31:31,561 --> 00:31:33,688
here on Critics Corner...
447
00:31:33,771 --> 00:31:36,274
Marc and I both gave
a big thumbs up...
448
00:31:36,357 --> 00:31:40,361
- to the new Swedish film directed by, uh.
- Olaf Svensen.
449
00:31:40,445 --> 00:31:44,991
Olaf Svensen, called
The Winter of My Despondency.
450
00:31:45,074 --> 00:31:48,870
- Haunting abstract symbolism.
- It's arty crap.
451
00:31:48,953 --> 00:31:51,873
- Jonathan and I did split, however...
- [YAWNS]
452
00:31:51,956 --> 00:31:55,710
on the newest
teenage romp called Frat Slobs.
453
00:31:55,793 --> 00:31:57,962
Jonathan, I think,
thought it to be...
454
00:31:58,046 --> 00:32:01,049
a light, frothy souffle...
455
00:32:01,132 --> 00:32:03,885
- sizzling with youthful energy.
- That I did.
456
00:32:03,968 --> 00:32:07,597
On the other hand,
I thought it was pond scum.
457
00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:10,516
You're an albino.
What the hell do you know?
458
00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:12,620
We have a new feature
we'd like to introduce on Critics Corner...
459
00:32:12,644 --> 00:32:16,356
we hope you'll enjoy.
We call it Real Life Reviews...
460
00:32:16,439 --> 00:32:20,693
in which we critique the life
of an average person just like you.
461
00:32:20,777 --> 00:32:25,782
Jonathan will begin with a review
of the life of Harvey Putnik.
462
00:32:25,865 --> 00:32:28,660
- [JONATHAN] No. Pitnik.
- Pitnik, of Skokie, Indiana.
463
00:32:28,743 --> 00:32:30,745
- Illinois.
- Illinois.
464
00:32:30,828 --> 00:32:33,998
- Harvey Pitnik of Skokie, Illinois.
- Bernice. Bernice, come here.
465
00:32:34,082 --> 00:32:36,084
They're talking about me
on the television.
466
00:32:36,167 --> 00:32:38,169
- What?
- Come here.
467
00:32:38,252 --> 00:32:41,532
- Harvey Pitnik would seem to have all the ingredients...
- [BERNICE, HARVEY LAUGH]
468
00:32:41,589 --> 00:32:43,925
- for a successful life.
- You'd think so.
469
00:32:44,008 --> 00:32:46,636
- So why does he fail so miserably?
- I don't know.
470
00:32:46,719 --> 00:32:48,972
I think the problem
is with Harvey himself.
471
00:32:49,055 --> 00:32:51,224
- What the hell is this?
- You're right. It is Harvey.
472
00:32:51,307 --> 00:32:53,142
Very good, Jonathan.
It is Harvey.
473
00:32:53,226 --> 00:32:56,104
So, we're supposed to care
about this Harvey Pitnik?
474
00:32:56,187 --> 00:33:01,943
Why? I mean, it takes him 30 years
to develop any character at all...
475
00:33:02,026 --> 00:33:04,445
and by the time he does,
who cares?
476
00:33:04,529 --> 00:33:07,740
- They're crucifying me.
- It's hardly worth the wait.
477
00:33:07,824 --> 00:33:10,743
- He didn't like Gandhi either.
- Let me show you.
478
00:33:10,827 --> 00:33:15,039
Here's a scene from last year
as Harvey is coming home from work.
479
00:33:15,123 --> 00:33:18,126
[GROANS, SIGHS]
480
00:33:23,548 --> 00:33:26,467
- Oh. Hi, Scraps.
- [LOW GROWL]
481
00:33:26,551 --> 00:33:28,636
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, kids.
482
00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:31,389
- [HARVEY] How did they do this?
- Hi, honey.
483
00:33:31,472 --> 00:33:33,599
Hi, dear.
Ooh. Potatoes.
484
00:33:33,683 --> 00:33:38,438
I didn't cons...
I didn't consent for this to be on TV.
485
00:33:38,521 --> 00:33:41,649
- Dinner will be ready in five minutes.
- Okay.
486
00:33:44,402 --> 00:33:46,404
[SIGHS]
487
00:33:50,074 --> 00:33:53,661
- Some exciting home life, huh?
- And it goes on like that...
488
00:33:53,745 --> 00:33:57,081
tediously, day in and day out.
489
00:33:57,165 --> 00:33:59,167
- Where's the love?
- Where's the passion?
490
00:33:59,250 --> 00:34:03,796
Where's the examination
of one's own existence?
491
00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:06,966
This is a poor excuse
for a life.
492
00:34:07,050 --> 00:34:09,844
I give Harvey Pitnik
a, a big thumbs down.
493
00:34:09,927 --> 00:34:12,889
- [HARVEY] Thumbs down?
- I give him a thumbs down too.
494
00:34:12,972 --> 00:34:16,434
But I didn't hate Harvey
quite as much as you, Jonathan.
495
00:34:16,517 --> 00:34:21,397
Oh, granted, his life was
a miserable waste of time...
496
00:34:21,481 --> 00:34:24,275
but I rather enjoyed
the Kafkaesque touches.
497
00:34:24,359 --> 00:34:27,987
Here's a loser trapped
in a dead-end job...
498
00:34:28,071 --> 00:34:30,531
and a.
A loveless marriage.
499
00:34:30,615 --> 00:34:34,661
- How do they know that?
- [MARC] Couldn't they have done anything to make this man human?
500
00:34:34,744 --> 00:34:36,764
Think of the money it took
to bring him into the world.
501
00:34:36,788 --> 00:34:41,084
- A ton!
- To feed him and to clothe him and then to educate him.
502
00:34:41,167 --> 00:34:43,461
And after all that,
what have you got?
503
00:34:43,544 --> 00:34:46,422
- You've got a big bore!
- A dull clod!
504
00:34:46,506 --> 00:34:49,509
An empty suit.
And another thing...
505
00:34:49,592 --> 00:34:51,552
I was always one step ahead
of this guy's life.
506
00:34:51,636 --> 00:34:54,097
- There just were no surprises!
- No. Wait a minute.
507
00:34:54,180 --> 00:34:56,975
What about the ending of his life?
That came as a surprise.
508
00:34:57,058 --> 00:34:59,477
- Ending?
- I saw that coming a mile away!
509
00:34:59,560 --> 00:35:01,562
- I didn't.
- What ending?
510
00:35:01,646 --> 00:35:04,399
- The high blood pressure. The lack of exercise.
- True. Uh-huh.
511
00:35:04,482 --> 00:35:06,442
- The bad diet.
- Of course.
512
00:35:06,526 --> 00:35:11,781
By the time he finally has his heart attack
in front of the TV, big deal!
513
00:35:11,864 --> 00:35:14,742
- Heart attack? Heart attack?
- [MARC] It's such a mundane way to go.
514
00:35:14,826 --> 00:35:17,745
What are they talking about?
A heart attack? I didn't have a [GROANS]
515
00:35:17,829 --> 00:35:22,417
[MARC] Wouldn't it have been more dramatic
if, say, he'd fallen down an elevator shaft?
516
00:35:22,500 --> 00:35:25,753
- He should've died years earlier.
- Maybe in a submarine accident.
517
00:35:25,837 --> 00:35:29,757
- [BERNICE] Harvey? Oh, my God!
- Possibly a giant squid.
518
00:35:29,841 --> 00:35:32,820
- Something to add a little science fiction to it.
- I'm calling an ambulance.
519
00:35:32,844 --> 00:35:35,513
- I'm calling an ambulance!
- A tragic waste, but who cares?
520
00:35:35,596 --> 00:35:38,266
Oh, I see our time is up.
We want to thank you very much...
521
00:35:38,349 --> 00:35:40,393
for joining us
on Critics Corner.
522
00:35:40,476 --> 00:35:43,716
Hope you'll be back next week when we'll
have an aisle seat reserved just for you.
523
00:35:43,771 --> 00:35:45,773
♪ - Bye-bye. ♪
♪ - [ORGAN PERKY THEME] ♪
524
00:35:45,857 --> 00:35:48,818
There's so many things he could've done.
He could've had a better haircut.
525
00:35:50,570 --> 00:35:53,865
[MAN] We now return to the 1957 film...
526
00:35:53,948 --> 00:35:55,950
Amazon Women on the Moon...
527
00:35:56,034 --> 00:35:58,578
starring Bill Thomas and Buzzy Clark.
528
00:35:58,661 --> 00:36:01,414
There will be no further interruptions.
529
00:36:09,255 --> 00:36:11,257
Well, here we are on the moon.
530
00:36:14,886 --> 00:36:16,846
[BUTCH]
This place gives me the willies.
531
00:36:16,929 --> 00:36:19,474
Think we'll run into
any moon men?
532
00:36:19,557 --> 00:36:22,018
Not intelligent life
as you and I know it, Butch.
533
00:36:22,101 --> 00:36:26,230
If there are any Martians, I'll bet
they speak the universal language...
534
00:36:26,314 --> 00:36:28,274
do-re-mi!
535
00:36:28,358 --> 00:36:31,569
You remember the space oath
you took at the academy, Blackie?
536
00:36:31,653 --> 00:36:35,365
I will not exploit other worlds
for personal gain.
537
00:36:35,448 --> 00:36:37,450
Look at that.
538
00:36:38,493 --> 00:36:41,955
Follow me, men.
Keep your eyes open.
539
00:36:42,038 --> 00:36:44,457
[MURRAY]
Selma!
540
00:37:29,585 --> 00:37:34,882
- [LOONY CHATTERING]
- Hey, dig that crazy full moon.
541
00:37:34,966 --> 00:37:38,553
That's a full Earth, Butch.
Remember where we are.
542
00:37:38,636 --> 00:37:41,139
Zowie!
543
00:37:41,222 --> 00:37:43,641
This is only a hunch, but.
544
00:37:43,725 --> 00:37:45,935
Steve! What are you doing?
You're committing suicide!
545
00:37:47,812 --> 00:37:51,065
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Just as I thought.
546
00:37:51,149 --> 00:37:53,234
The moon has an atmosphere
similar to Earth's.
547
00:37:53,318 --> 00:37:55,320
Take off your helmets, boys.
548
00:37:57,864 --> 00:38:00,241
- [INHALES]
- [LAUGHING]
549
00:38:00,325 --> 00:38:02,285
Good old H²O.
550
00:38:02,368 --> 00:38:04,662
Steve, fill me in.
How'd you figure it out?
551
00:38:04,746 --> 00:38:07,248
Seems like Loony
figured it out first.
552
00:38:07,332 --> 00:38:11,419
- [CHITTERING]
- [ALL CHUCKLING]
553
00:38:11,502 --> 00:38:14,672
That's my Loony,
a regular Einstein.
554
00:38:14,756 --> 00:38:16,758
[ALL CHUCKLING]
555
00:38:16,841 --> 00:38:18,801
- Look!
- [ROARING]
556
00:38:23,848 --> 00:38:27,727
- [YAWNS]
- [ANNOUNCER] Are your parties dull and boring?
557
00:38:27,810 --> 00:38:30,563
- [SIGHS]
- Well, why not liven them up...
558
00:38:30,647 --> 00:38:33,024
with the snack food
that's sweeping America.
559
00:38:33,107 --> 00:38:37,236
Mmm! Say, Mike, this is some great pate.
It has such a unique flavour.
560
00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:42,200
It's more than just
an ordinary pate, Bill. Watch.
561
00:38:42,283 --> 00:38:45,453
- [BOING]
- [PEOPLE] Whoa!
562
00:38:45,536 --> 00:38:48,831
What the. You know,
I never saw an appetizer do that before.
563
00:38:48,915 --> 00:38:51,292
Well, you never tried
Silly Pate before!
564
00:38:51,376 --> 00:38:55,296
Not only is it fun at parties,
it's low in saturated fats.
565
00:38:55,380 --> 00:38:57,840
And look.
566
00:38:57,924 --> 00:39:01,552
- It picks up your favourite comic strip!
- [GASPING]
567
00:39:01,636 --> 00:39:03,638
I'm eating Doonesbury.
568
00:39:04,722 --> 00:39:07,225
And I'm eating Beetle Bailey.
569
00:39:07,308 --> 00:39:11,062
- [ALL LAUGHING]
- [ANNOUNCER] You'll never have a dull, lifeless party again...
570
00:39:11,145 --> 00:39:13,147
with Silly Pate.
571
00:39:13,231 --> 00:39:14,857
[BOING]
572
00:39:14,941 --> 00:39:18,236
Available in all fine gourmet
shops and toy stores everywhere.
573
00:39:19,112 --> 00:39:21,447
♪ - [ORGAN] ♪
♪ - [WOMAN CRYING] ♪
574
00:39:27,704 --> 00:39:29,706
- [SOBBING]
- It's time, Mrs Pitnik.
575
00:39:32,583 --> 00:39:34,544
Do I have to?
576
00:39:34,627 --> 00:39:37,130
Yeah. We need the room again at 4.00.
577
00:39:38,423 --> 00:39:41,342
[CLEARS THROAT]
Come on.
578
00:39:41,426 --> 00:39:44,637
I-Is Har-Harvey here?
579
00:39:44,721 --> 00:39:48,016
- Yeah. He's in repose. He looks great.
- Oh!
580
00:39:48,099 --> 00:39:51,853
Okay, let's move along.
That's right.
581
00:39:51,936 --> 00:39:55,523
Just relax, Mrs Pitnik. You're young.
You'll. You'll meet someone.
582
00:39:55,606 --> 00:39:59,360
- [SOBS]
- Send the kids to camp. That's what I would do.
583
00:40:00,945 --> 00:40:03,072
Okay, family up front,
on the left.
584
00:40:05,408 --> 00:40:08,077
- Well, I guess that's it.
- [CHATTERING]
585
00:40:17,503 --> 00:40:20,006
[CHATTERING]
586
00:40:21,341 --> 00:40:23,343
Everything's taken care of. Everything.
587
00:40:23,426 --> 00:40:25,887
And the buffet?
To die.
588
00:40:25,970 --> 00:40:29,098
- Hey, Scooter. Cute stuff.
- [SNIFFLING, CRYING]
589
00:40:30,767 --> 00:40:34,771
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is a wake.
590
00:40:34,854 --> 00:40:38,941
♪ - So let's have fun with it, huh? Everybody, have a great time. ♪
♪ - [ORGAN STOPS] ♪
591
00:40:39,025 --> 00:40:41,027
♪ [UPTEMPO] ♪
592
00:40:46,157 --> 00:40:48,177
[MAN ON P.A.]
Welcome to the O'Leary Funeral Home...
593
00:40:48,201 --> 00:40:52,747
where many of the nation's top comedians
have gathered to roast our guest of honour...
594
00:40:52,830 --> 00:40:55,458
the late Harvey Pitnik!
595
00:40:56,459 --> 00:41:00,296
Please welcome...
Rip Taylor!
596
00:41:00,380 --> 00:41:03,591
♪ - [SINGING GIBBERISH] ♪
♪ - [APPLAUSE] ♪
597
00:41:05,343 --> 00:41:08,346
- Slappy White!
- [NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
598
00:41:10,848 --> 00:41:13,226
Jackie Vernon!
599
00:41:15,228 --> 00:41:18,314
- Henny Youngman!
- [NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
600
00:41:20,024 --> 00:41:22,485
Charlie Callas!
601
00:41:26,072 --> 00:41:29,659
And our roast master.
Mr Steve Allen!
602
00:41:29,742 --> 00:41:32,328
[PEOPLE GASPING]
603
00:41:32,412 --> 00:41:35,707
♪ [CRESCENDOES, STOPS] ♪
604
00:41:35,790 --> 00:41:38,167
And here he is,
our man of the hour.
605
00:41:38,251 --> 00:41:41,296
♪ - [DRUM ROLL] ♪
♪ - Mr Harvey Pitnik! ♪
606
00:41:41,379 --> 00:41:45,383
♪ - [SOBBING] There's Harvey! ♪
♪ - [FUNERAL MARCH] ♪
607
00:41:48,594 --> 00:41:51,014
♪ [JOKEY SEGUE, STOPS] ♪
608
00:41:52,682 --> 00:41:56,185
- Thank you, ladies and mourners.
- [HAMMY LAUGHTER]
609
00:41:56,269 --> 00:41:58,646
That's all right, Harvey.
Don't get up.
610
00:41:58,730 --> 00:42:01,774
- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
- [LOUD SOB]
611
00:42:01,858 --> 00:42:03,818
Anyway, be that as it may
and I doubt if it was.
612
00:42:03,901 --> 00:42:08,406
Tonight we are here to pay tribute
to a close, personal friend...
613
00:42:08,489 --> 00:42:12,368
Harvey Pupik. I'm sorry.
Uh, Pitnik. Harvey Pitnik.
614
00:42:12,452 --> 00:42:16,456
Harvey was a man, my friends,
who was the same in life...
615
00:42:16,539 --> 00:42:21,210
- as he is in death a stiff!
- [MOURNERS LAUGHING]
616
00:42:21,294 --> 00:42:25,590
But all seriousness aside,
we are going to lay two things to rest...
617
00:42:25,673 --> 00:42:29,927
Harvey Pitnik and the rumour
that Charlie Callas is funny.
618
00:42:30,011 --> 00:42:34,307
- [LAUGHTER]
- Ladies and gentlemen, a very funny man, Charlie Callas.
619
00:42:34,390 --> 00:42:37,226
♪ - [JAZZY] ♪
♪ - [APPLAUSE] ♪
620
00:42:37,310 --> 00:42:39,228
Thank you.
Thank you.
621
00:42:39,312 --> 00:42:42,106
♪ - [ENDS] ♪
♪ - Thank you. Harvey, keep it down! ♪
622
00:42:42,190 --> 00:42:45,777
- [NONSENSE NOISES]
- [LAUGHTER]
623
00:42:45,860 --> 00:42:50,448
Today, ladies and gentlemen, we're here
to pay homage to the late Harvey Potemkin.
624
00:42:50,531 --> 00:42:53,493
- Peshtabil Poshbulv whatever.
- [CHUCKLING]
625
00:42:53,576 --> 00:42:55,787
- Who cares? Does it matter now?
- [ALLEN] No, no.
626
00:42:55,870 --> 00:43:01,167
And if Harvey were alive today,
he'd be a very sick man. [GIGGLES]
627
00:43:01,250 --> 00:43:06,130
- [IMITATES TAXICAB HORN]
- [LAUGHTER]
628
00:43:06,214 --> 00:43:08,675
♪ [JAZZY] ♪
629
00:43:08,758 --> 00:43:11,970
We had. I'm sorry to make this announcement.
We had two disappointments tonight.
630
00:43:12,053 --> 00:43:16,349
Milton Berle could not make it
and Rip Taylor could. [LAUGHS]
631
00:43:16,432 --> 00:43:18,559
- Ladies and gentlemen, Rip Taylor.
- All right.
632
00:43:18,643 --> 00:43:20,728
♪ - [FAST] ♪
♪ - [APPLAUSE] ♪
633
00:43:20,812 --> 00:43:23,564
♪ - [APPLAUSE CONTINUES] ♪
♪ - [ENDS] ♪
634
00:43:23,648 --> 00:43:26,818
- Thank you so much. Thank you so much.
- [APPLAUSE FADES]
635
00:43:26,901 --> 00:43:28,861
Thank you.
Thank you so much, Steve.
636
00:43:28,945 --> 00:43:32,282
Charlie said, Harvey, keep it down.
Thank you.
637
00:43:32,365 --> 00:43:36,077
- Oh, well, there goes that act.
- [LAUGHING]
638
00:43:36,160 --> 00:43:38,871
The president couldn't be here,
Harvey, so he sent a wire.
639
00:43:38,955 --> 00:43:42,000
- [CACKLES]
- [LAUGHTER]
640
00:43:42,083 --> 00:43:44,627
Tell them. It's a
Never mind.
641
00:43:44,711 --> 00:43:47,463
What's this, an audience or a funeral?
Now, pay attention, please.
642
00:43:47,547 --> 00:43:51,426
But I'm a little nervous because
Harvey was a personal friend of mine...
643
00:43:51,509 --> 00:43:55,138
and there's not a person in this room
that Harvey Pitnik did not touch.
644
00:43:55,221 --> 00:43:59,726
I must say, he touched me for 40 bucks
and Steve for 20. [CACKLES]
645
00:43:59,809 --> 00:44:02,812
Folks, I don't dance.
This is it, you see.
646
00:44:02,895 --> 00:44:05,523
[LAUGHING]
647
00:44:05,606 --> 00:44:09,902
But I do feel for his widow, Bernice.
That was a romantic marriage.
648
00:44:09,986 --> 00:44:13,823
She learned everything about sex
from a manual.
649
00:44:13,906 --> 00:44:17,535
Emanuel was their gardener.
[CACKLES]
650
00:44:17,619 --> 00:44:21,789
- [CROWD LAUGHING]
- [LAUGHING] I'm sorry. I better wrap it up now, folks.
651
00:44:21,873 --> 00:44:25,918
'Cause you know the old axiom
in show business... get off quick.
652
00:44:26,002 --> 00:44:27,962
Like Harvey
on his wedding night.
653
00:44:28,046 --> 00:44:32,800
♪ - Could you die? I gotta go. Goodbye. Thank you so much. ♪
♪ - [FANFARE] ♪
654
00:44:32,884 --> 00:44:35,803
Thank you, folks. I'm thrilled
to be here tonight to pay tribute...
655
00:44:35,887 --> 00:44:37,805
to the late Harvey Pitnik.
656
00:44:37,889 --> 00:44:39,849
But enough about Harvey.
657
00:44:39,932 --> 00:44:43,061
[MOURNERS, PANELLISTS LAUGHING]
658
00:44:43,144 --> 00:44:45,855
- Take my wife. Please.
- [CONTINUE LAUGHING]
659
00:44:48,399 --> 00:44:52,403
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
660
00:44:55,657 --> 00:44:59,243
Why do Jewish guys die before their wives?
They want to.
661
00:44:59,327 --> 00:45:02,956
[LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
662
00:45:04,082 --> 00:45:06,042
And that's what
I think of you, Harvey.
663
00:45:06,125 --> 00:45:11,339
♪ - [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] ♪
♪ - [JAZZY FANFARE] ♪
664
00:45:13,299 --> 00:45:16,970
- Thank you, Henny Youngman, for that trip down memory lane. And now.
- [LAUGHING]
665
00:45:17,053 --> 00:45:20,348
♪ - [RIMSHOT] ♪
♪ - [LAUGHING] ♪
666
00:45:20,431 --> 00:45:25,061
But seriously. Henny, you were
never funnier... and it's a shame.
667
00:45:25,144 --> 00:45:29,565
♪ - [JAZZY FANFARE] ♪
♪ - [WHITE] But I was asked to say a couple of words about Harvey. ♪
668
00:45:29,649 --> 00:45:33,027
How about ugly and cheap?
669
00:45:33,111 --> 00:45:36,155
Harvey wrote his will
on his cock...
670
00:45:36,239 --> 00:45:39,409
and his lawyer said it would
not stand up in court.
671
00:45:39,492 --> 00:45:45,039
- [LAUGHTER, POUNDING ON TABLE]
- [NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
672
00:45:45,123 --> 00:45:48,376
- Okay, Mrs Pitnik. You're on.
- What?
673
00:45:48,459 --> 00:45:50,712
- You're on.
- Oh, no. Oh, no. I really can't.
674
00:45:50,795 --> 00:45:54,799
- You're the widow. You've got to give Harvey's rebuttal.
- No, no, I can't go up there.
675
00:45:54,882 --> 00:45:58,428
- I can't do this.
- But in conclusion, I'd like to say, congratulations, Harvey.
676
00:45:58,511 --> 00:46:04,183
Rigor mortis is the closest
you ever come to a hard-on in 15 years.
677
00:46:04,267 --> 00:46:07,603
- I thank you.
- [APPLAUSE, WHISTLING]
678
00:46:07,687 --> 00:46:12,108
♪ [BAND IMITATING LAUGHTER] ♪
679
00:46:14,152 --> 00:46:16,696
Harvey himself is gonna
throw in his two cents...
680
00:46:16,779 --> 00:46:19,824
as soon as we take them
off his eyelids.
681
00:46:19,907 --> 00:46:22,702
[LAUGHING]
I don't get it. I don't get it.
682
00:46:22,785 --> 00:46:27,081
And now, for the rebuttal on behalf of our
guest of honour, his lovely widow, Bernice.
683
00:46:27,165 --> 00:46:30,085
And nothing's changed, Harvey.
She's still gonna be doing all the talking.
684
00:46:30,168 --> 00:46:32,128
[LAUGHS]
Bernice Pitnik!
685
00:46:32,211 --> 00:46:36,883
♪ - [APPLAUSE] ♪
♪ - [JAZZ] ♪
686
00:46:36,966 --> 00:46:39,844
♪ [CONTINUES] ♪
687
00:46:39,927 --> 00:46:41,929
♪ - Lovely woman. ♪
♪ - [ENDS] ♪
688
00:46:44,641 --> 00:46:46,559
- [SIGHS]
- [APPLAUSE FADES]
689
00:46:46,643 --> 00:46:48,770
Thank you, Merv.
I mean, Steve.
690
00:46:48,853 --> 00:46:52,941
- That's quite all right.
- [CLEARS THROAT, SWALLOWS]
691
00:46:53,024 --> 00:46:57,320
Now, well, I would like
to inject a serious note...
692
00:46:57,403 --> 00:47:00,406
as, uh, Henny Youngman
did earlier.
693
00:47:00,490 --> 00:47:05,370
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
694
00:47:06,829 --> 00:47:09,248
I want to say to...
695
00:47:09,332 --> 00:47:13,628
Harvey, my late husband...
696
00:47:14,712 --> 00:47:16,798
as I look down at you...
697
00:47:16,881 --> 00:47:19,801
lying there motionless...
698
00:47:19,884 --> 00:47:22,345
I can only think of one thing.
699
00:47:23,388 --> 00:47:25,682
- Our wedding night.
- [LAUGHTER]
700
00:47:25,765 --> 00:47:28,559
- [SIGHS]
- [LAUGHTER CONTINUES, FADES]
701
00:47:28,643 --> 00:47:31,896
[CHUCKLES]
I'll never forget my.
702
00:47:31,980 --> 00:47:36,150
My last moments with...
Harvey...
703
00:47:36,234 --> 00:47:39,779
- [LAUGHTER]
- as I as I took him into my arms...
704
00:47:39,862 --> 00:47:44,075
and I whispered those
three little words:
705
00:47:44,158 --> 00:47:46,953
♪ - Sign the will. ♪
♪ - [RIMSHOT] ♪
706
00:47:47,036 --> 00:47:48,955
- [LAUGHTER]
- [LAUGHS]
707
00:47:49,038 --> 00:47:51,582
- [LAUGHING] Great.
- But seriously...
708
00:47:51,666 --> 00:47:53,668
I'm glad to see
Slappy White here today.
709
00:47:53,751 --> 00:47:56,879
Now at least I know
my hubcaps are safe.
710
00:47:56,963 --> 00:47:59,048
[LAUGHS]
711
00:48:00,508 --> 00:48:02,677
And Rip Taylor,
is that a toupee...
712
00:48:02,760 --> 00:48:05,513
or did a beaver curl up
and die on your head?
713
00:48:06,889 --> 00:48:09,434
♪ - [LAUGHING] ♪
♪ - [JAZZ] ♪
714
00:48:09,517 --> 00:48:14,522
As I look at Henny Youngman today, I'm
not so sure we're burying the right guy.
715
00:48:14,605 --> 00:48:18,026
♪ - [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] ♪
♪ - [ENDS] ♪
716
00:48:19,360 --> 00:48:21,863
♪ - [PIANO, SLOW] ♪
♪ - [ANNOUNCER] At last... ♪
717
00:48:21,946 --> 00:48:25,366
The greatest album
of love songs ever recorded.
718
00:48:25,450 --> 00:48:28,453
You'll want to share them
with someone special.
719
00:48:28,536 --> 00:48:33,124
♪ Why do birds suddenly appear ♪
720
00:48:33,207 --> 00:48:37,879
Sung by the man who turned a personal
affliction into a recording career...
721
00:48:37,962 --> 00:48:40,548
Don No Soul Simmons.
722
00:48:40,632 --> 00:48:43,217
♪ Just like me ♪
723
00:48:43,301 --> 00:48:45,928
♪ They long to be ♪
724
00:48:46,012 --> 00:48:48,890
♪ Close to you ♪
725
00:48:50,099 --> 00:48:52,727
♪ - Why do stars ♪
♪ - [BAND BEGINS] ♪
726
00:48:52,810 --> 00:48:56,064
♪ Fall down from the sky ♪
727
00:48:56,147 --> 00:48:58,066
♪ Every time ♪
728
00:48:58,858 --> 00:49:00,944
♪ You walk by ♪
729
00:49:02,403 --> 00:49:05,156
♪ Just like me ♪
730
00:49:05,239 --> 00:49:07,700
♪ They long to be ♪
731
00:49:07,784 --> 00:49:10,620
♪ Close to you ♪
732
00:49:10,703 --> 00:49:14,415
♪ - She'd been sitting there ♪
♪ - [ANNOUNCER] So curl up by the fireside... ♪
733
00:49:14,499 --> 00:49:17,835
And listen to the non-threatening music
of this master showman.
734
00:49:19,003 --> 00:49:22,048
♪ [SIMMONS] ♪
♪ And, honey, I miss you ♪
735
00:49:24,175 --> 00:49:26,678
♪ And I'm being good ♪
736
00:49:29,138 --> 00:49:31,599
♪ And I'd love to be with you ♪
737
00:49:34,143 --> 00:49:36,688
♪ If only I could ♪
738
00:49:39,190 --> 00:49:41,609
♪ Say, has anybody seen ♪
739
00:49:41,693 --> 00:49:44,821
♪ My sweet Gypsy Rose ♪
740
00:49:44,904 --> 00:49:47,407
♪ Here's her picture ♪
♪ when she was ♪
741
00:49:47,490 --> 00:49:50,410
♪ - My sweet Mary Jo ♪
♪ - [ANNOUNCER] Young lovers of any age... ♪
742
00:49:50,493 --> 00:49:52,620
Will cherish
this timeless collection...
743
00:49:52,704 --> 00:49:55,331
of the world's
most romantic ballads.
744
00:49:55,415 --> 00:49:57,458
And if you act now,
you'll get free...
745
00:49:57,542 --> 00:50:01,838
this bonus album.
Don Simmons Down & Funky.
746
00:50:01,921 --> 00:50:06,175
♪ [ELECTRIC KEYBOARD] ♪
747
00:50:06,259 --> 00:50:09,887
♪ - [BAND BEGINS] ♪
♪ - Jeremiah was a bullfrog ♪
748
00:50:10,888 --> 00:50:14,183
♪ He was a good friend of mine ♪
749
00:50:14,267 --> 00:50:17,478
♪ I never understood ♪
♪ a single word he said ♪
750
00:50:17,562 --> 00:50:20,124
[ANNOUNCER] This two-record collection
is not available in any stores...
751
00:50:20,148 --> 00:50:22,066
so order now.
752
00:50:22,150 --> 00:50:25,570
♪ [SIMMONS] Yes, he always had ♪
♪ some mighty fine wine ♪
753
00:50:35,288 --> 00:50:39,417
By thunder!
She's a lovely sight, lads!
754
00:50:39,500 --> 00:50:44,088
- [MEN CHATTER, LAUGH]
- And you can bet your miserable lives...
755
00:50:44,172 --> 00:50:47,884
the cargo hold is filled
with precious booty.
756
00:50:47,967 --> 00:50:50,762
- Let's take her, Captain.
- Aye. Are you game, lads?
757
00:50:50,845 --> 00:50:52,263
[MEN, TOGETHER]
Aye!
758
00:50:57,685 --> 00:51:01,022
Video pirates! Man the guns
and prepare to defend borders.
759
00:51:01,105 --> 00:51:02,315
Fire!
760
00:51:08,529 --> 00:51:11,407
Cutlasses, me hearties!
761
00:51:13,952 --> 00:51:15,912
Give them a bellyful of steel.
762
00:51:32,053 --> 00:51:37,183
Ah. By gum, Captain! All the latest
home videos. In Beta and VHS!
763
00:51:37,266 --> 00:51:41,187
Aye! Some so current,
they're still in theatrical release.
764
00:51:41,270 --> 00:51:45,775
- Help yourself, mates. A chest full of video discs.
- No!
765
00:51:45,858 --> 00:51:48,069
- What good are they?
- Can't record on them.
766
00:51:48,152 --> 00:51:50,738
They're not compatible
with my system.
767
00:51:50,822 --> 00:51:52,991
Captain! This one's locked.
768
00:51:53,074 --> 00:51:56,286
Stand back.
769
00:51:56,369 --> 00:51:59,747
- [GUNSHOT]
- [MAN] Open them up.
770
00:52:02,875 --> 00:52:05,378
Gather around, me buckoes,
and feast your eyes on this.
771
00:52:05,461 --> 00:52:08,464
- [MEN GASP]
- Make all the illegal copies you want.
772
00:52:08,548 --> 00:52:10,425
- Put it on.
- Aye, aye, Captain.
773
00:52:10,508 --> 00:52:13,303
- [CASE SNAPS OPEN]
- [TAPE LOADS IN VCR]
774
00:52:14,679 --> 00:52:19,684
[SHUDDERING]
Ohhh, I'm so scared.
775
00:52:19,767 --> 00:52:23,521
[ALL LAUGHING]
776
00:52:23,771 --> 00:52:26,899
[LAUGHING FADES]
777
00:52:58,306 --> 00:53:01,768
[KNOCKING]
778
00:53:01,851 --> 00:53:05,980
- I said I don't want to be disturbed.
- Griffin, it's me, Trent.
779
00:53:06,064 --> 00:53:08,316
Trent, I've been
waiting for you.
780
00:53:08,399 --> 00:53:10,318
Come in.
781
00:53:10,401 --> 00:53:14,072
Ah, Griffin. I came as soon
as I received your cable.
782
00:53:16,824 --> 00:53:19,702
Good God, man, what happened?
783
00:53:19,786 --> 00:53:22,538
I've done it, Trent.
At long last, I've done it.
784
00:53:22,622 --> 00:53:26,501
I finally duplicated my father's
formula for invisibility...
785
00:53:26,584 --> 00:53:30,338
after five years of injecting myself
with every chemical known to man.
786
00:53:30,421 --> 00:53:35,301
But Griffin, the invisibility formula
turned your father into a raving lunatic.
787
00:53:35,385 --> 00:53:38,262
That's where I've topped
the old man.
788
00:53:38,346 --> 00:53:40,848
I've been on the stuff
for over a week now...
789
00:53:40,932 --> 00:53:43,476
and I'm still perfectly sane.
[LAUGHS]
790
00:53:43,559 --> 00:53:45,937
Yes. I'll rule the world
with my secret.
791
00:53:46,020 --> 00:53:47,939
Yes. And I'll need you, Trent.
792
00:53:48,022 --> 00:53:51,109
I must have a visible partner.
[LAUGHS]
793
00:53:51,192 --> 00:53:54,779
I can tell by your stunned expression
that you're pretty impressed.
794
00:53:54,862 --> 00:53:57,365
[CHUCKLES]
Ah?
795
00:53:57,448 --> 00:53:59,367
[GASPS] Ooh.
[CHUCKLES]
796
00:53:59,450 --> 00:54:01,995
- [FALSE NOSE HITTING DESK]
- Look, Ma...
797
00:54:03,496 --> 00:54:05,873
no hands.
[CHUCKLES]
798
00:54:05,957 --> 00:54:09,544
I haven't come up with a reagent
to make myself visible again.
799
00:54:09,627 --> 00:54:12,046
But what's the rush?
I'm having a ball.
800
00:54:12,130 --> 00:54:14,424
Watch me closely.
801
00:54:15,466 --> 00:54:17,719
Whee!
802
00:54:17,802 --> 00:54:22,265
Ever see a shirt make a phone call?
[CHUCKLES]
803
00:54:23,266 --> 00:54:25,768
Ooh.
Pretty scary, huh?
804
00:54:25,852 --> 00:54:28,563
Ooooh!
805
00:54:28,646 --> 00:54:30,607
Wait till you see this.
806
00:54:30,690 --> 00:54:32,734
- [CHUCKLES]
- Uh, no. Griffin...
807
00:54:32,817 --> 00:54:36,529
- you don't have to go all the way.
- [LAUGHING]
808
00:54:36,613 --> 00:54:40,158
Yes.
[LAUGHING]
809
00:54:40,241 --> 00:54:42,660
Just listen for
the sound of my voice...
810
00:54:44,037 --> 00:54:46,873
and you'll know where I am at all times.
[CHUCKLES]
811
00:54:46,956 --> 00:54:49,542
- Come on. Let's have some laughs!
- Griffin!
812
00:54:49,626 --> 00:54:54,631
♪ - Being invisible is the best! [LAUGHING] ♪
♪ - [STRIDE PIANO, DISTANT] ♪
813
00:54:54,714 --> 00:54:57,675
♪ [CONTINUES, LOUDER] ♪
814
00:55:04,349 --> 00:55:07,644
Hey! Here comes
the invisible man again.
815
00:55:07,727 --> 00:55:09,729
[BAR PATRONS GROANING,
OBJECTING]
816
00:55:11,606 --> 00:55:15,193
You, go and get some help.
I'll watch him here.
817
00:55:22,492 --> 00:55:24,994
Whee-ooh!
Whee-ooh!
818
00:55:27,121 --> 00:55:31,459
Oh, my. Now how did that happen?
Must be a ghost in 'ere.
819
00:55:31,542 --> 00:55:33,503
This is unreal.
820
00:55:34,587 --> 00:55:36,714
I'm terribly sorry.
821
00:55:38,508 --> 00:55:40,843
Whee-ooh! Whee-ooh!
[IMITATES TYRES SKIDDING]
822
00:55:40,927 --> 00:55:42,971
Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho!
823
00:55:43,054 --> 00:55:47,016
- Wow! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
- [POLICEMAN'S WHISTLE TWEETING, DISTANT]
824
00:55:47,100 --> 00:55:49,060
- [SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
- [DOOR OPENS]
825
00:55:50,770 --> 00:55:54,315
- Now, now, now. What's all this?
- Here he is, Officer.
826
00:55:54,399 --> 00:55:57,944
Take it easy with him.
He's not really dangerous.
827
00:55:58,027 --> 00:56:00,321
Come along quietly then, guv.
828
00:56:00,405 --> 00:56:03,408
- You'll have to find me first.
- [GROANS]
829
00:56:04,367 --> 00:56:06,661
Come along.
830
00:56:06,744 --> 00:56:08,788
Let's cover this one up.
Come on.
831
00:56:08,871 --> 00:56:12,625
Wait. I'm invisible.
Don't touch me there.
832
00:56:12,709 --> 00:56:15,670
- [GRIFFIN LAUGHING]
- [WOLF WHISTLE]
833
00:56:15,753 --> 00:56:17,672
Selma!
834
00:56:28,725 --> 00:56:30,643
[MAN] We now return to our feature...
835
00:56:30,727 --> 00:56:33,646
starring Greta Van Zandt and Lyle Talbot.
836
00:56:33,730 --> 00:56:36,691
There will be no further interruptions.
837
00:56:46,284 --> 00:56:49,871
This looks like the remains
of some ancient culture.
838
00:56:49,954 --> 00:56:54,208
Steve, I said some things back there
that I shouldn't have.
839
00:56:54,292 --> 00:56:57,295
Anyway, thanks for saving me
from that dinosaur.
840
00:56:57,378 --> 00:57:01,549
- Forget it.
- Hey, would you get a load of this joint?
841
00:57:04,636 --> 00:57:06,554
This throne is still warm.
842
00:57:06,638 --> 00:57:12,143
- [THEREMIN WAILING]
- [SCREECHING, CHITTERING]
843
00:57:14,020 --> 00:57:16,022
Where are you going?
844
00:57:16,105 --> 00:57:18,524
I forgot something
back on the ship.
845
00:57:18,608 --> 00:57:20,777
- What?
- [GARBLED] I forgot to stay there.
846
00:57:20,860 --> 00:57:23,780
[SOUNDTRACK
SKIPPING, CRACKLING]
847
00:57:26,991 --> 00:57:30,954
[MAN] We are experiencing
technical difficulties. Please stand by.
848
00:57:32,622 --> 00:57:34,540
We are experiencing techn
849
00:57:40,046 --> 00:57:42,632
I demand that you set us free,
Queen Lara.
850
00:57:42,715 --> 00:57:45,677
We are on an official mission
from the planet Earth.
851
00:57:45,760 --> 00:57:47,679
Ha! Planet Earth.
852
00:57:47,762 --> 00:57:50,848
Is that what you call that pitiful ball
hanging in the sky?
853
00:57:50,932 --> 00:57:54,185
You wouldn't say that if you saw
Jane Russell or the Brooklyn Dodgers.
854
00:57:54,268 --> 00:57:56,187
Silence, swine...
855
00:57:56,271 --> 00:57:59,065
or you will suffer the same fate
as your friend.
856
00:57:59,148 --> 00:58:02,902
I intend to file a protest
in the death of Blackie!
857
00:58:02,986 --> 00:58:07,073
He dared to enter the sacred temple
and steal the precious moonstones.
858
00:58:07,156 --> 00:58:09,951
But feeding him to giant spiders
without the benefit of counsel...
859
00:58:10,034 --> 00:58:12,245
is not the way we do things
in America.
860
00:58:12,328 --> 00:58:16,666
[WOMEN LAUGHING]
861
00:58:17,959 --> 00:58:20,044
Boy, I never thought
I'd be so miserable...
862
00:58:20,128 --> 00:58:22,046
surrounded by beautiful dames.
863
00:58:22,130 --> 00:58:25,174
Cut the gags, Butch.
We're in enough trouble.
864
00:58:25,258 --> 00:58:28,928
What's she looking at? She acts
like she's never seen a man before.
865
00:58:29,012 --> 00:58:32,807
She hasn't.
Have you, Alpha Beta?
866
00:58:34,350 --> 00:58:36,394
No, my queen.
867
00:58:36,477 --> 00:58:38,563
What are men good for?
868
00:58:38,646 --> 00:58:41,149
Well, I'm pretty good
in the back seat of a Studebaker.
869
00:58:41,232 --> 00:58:43,318
Butch!
870
00:58:43,401 --> 00:58:47,614
- Men are useless.
- Back where I come from...
871
00:58:47,697 --> 00:58:50,325
no woman is complete
without a man.
872
00:58:51,701 --> 00:58:53,911
You see, Commander Nelson...
873
00:58:53,995 --> 00:58:56,247
12,000 gamma-spans ago...
874
00:58:56,331 --> 00:58:58,791
- Gamma-spans?
- A moon unit of time...
875
00:58:58,875 --> 00:59:01,044
roughly equivalent
to your Earth year.
876
00:59:01,127 --> 00:59:05,465
Anyway, all men were banished from
the lunar surface because they couldn't...
877
00:59:06,591 --> 00:59:08,593
For 131 years...
878
00:59:08,676 --> 00:59:11,012
this great institution
has amassed...
879
00:59:11,095 --> 00:59:15,683
what many consider to be the finest
collection of art anywhere in the world.
880
00:59:15,767 --> 00:59:19,854
And now it can all be yours.
881
00:59:19,938 --> 00:59:23,483
We've lost our lease!
882
00:59:23,566 --> 00:59:25,777
That's right.
Everything must go.
883
00:59:25,860 --> 00:59:30,031
From the old masters of Europe
to the conceptual artists of today's SoHo.
884
00:59:30,114 --> 00:59:32,575
We're talking Rembrandts, Botticellis...
885
00:59:32,659 --> 00:59:35,370
Gauguin, Cezanne, Matisse, Renoir...
886
00:59:35,453 --> 00:59:38,498
and the chairman of the board...
887
00:59:38,581 --> 00:59:41,000
Leonardo da Vinci.
888
00:59:41,084 --> 00:59:43,211
This Egyptian sarcophagus...
889
00:59:43,294 --> 00:59:47,840
from the dynasty of Ramses II,
appraised at $ 14 million.
890
00:59:47,924 --> 00:59:50,677
Our price? 19.95.
891
00:59:50,760 --> 00:59:53,680
Buy now, and we'll toss in,
free of charge...
892
00:59:53,763 --> 00:59:57,058
the original
Declaration of Independence.
893
00:59:57,141 --> 01:00:00,270
Now you might expect to pay
millions for this document...
894
01:00:00,353 --> 01:00:02,313
that shaped a great nation.
895
01:00:02,397 --> 01:00:07,777
But it's yours free. This fine parchment
will enhance any den or playroom.
896
01:00:07,860 --> 01:00:10,780
And you can have some fun
with your friends...
897
01:00:10,863 --> 01:00:14,909
by adding your own name
along with the original signers.
898
01:00:14,993 --> 01:00:18,037
Remember,
the Cosmopolitan Museum of Art.
899
01:00:18,121 --> 01:00:21,791
Every Van Gogh must go.
900
01:00:23,459 --> 01:00:25,378
Hello, I'm Henry Silva.
901
01:00:25,461 --> 01:00:29,382
Ever since the ocean liner Titanic sunk
on her maiden voyage in 1912...
902
01:00:29,465 --> 01:00:32,260
people have asked,
How did it happen?
903
01:00:32,343 --> 01:00:35,555
- [MAN IMITATING SHIP WHISTLE]
- Join me...
904
01:00:35,638 --> 01:00:37,616
♪ - as we dramatically recreate... ♪
♪ - [MAN] Nearer ♪
905
01:00:37,640 --> 01:00:42,729
♪ - the sinking of the great ocean liner Titanic. ♪
♪ - My God, to thee ♪
906
01:00:44,147 --> 01:00:46,065
Bullshit or not?
907
01:00:46,149 --> 01:00:49,277
You be the judge, here on this station.
908
01:00:49,569 --> 01:00:52,739
[ANNOUNCER] From the pen
of America's wealthiest author...
909
01:00:52,822 --> 01:00:55,325
- Irving Sidney, the man who gave us...
- [RAPPING]
910
01:00:55,408 --> 01:00:58,178
- the best sellers, Irving Sidney's The Naked Virgin...
- [Rapping Continues]
911
01:00:58,202 --> 01:01:00,830
and Irving Sidney's
The Power and the Flesh...
912
01:01:00,913 --> 01:01:04,208
comes Irving Sidney's
sizzling new blockbuster...
913
01:01:04,292 --> 01:01:08,004
Hey, baby.
[LAUGHS]
914
01:01:08,087 --> 01:01:09,964
Long time no see, huh?
915
01:01:10,048 --> 01:01:12,925
- There must be some mistake.
- Come on. Who are ya kidding?
916
01:01:13,009 --> 01:01:15,178
It's me.
It's Bert.
917
01:01:15,261 --> 01:01:17,263
Look, I'm in town with
the textile convention...
918
01:01:17,347 --> 01:01:22,560
and I thought maybe we could, uh,
you know, party! [LAUGHING]
919
01:01:22,644 --> 01:01:24,562
- I don't do that any more.
- Oh.
920
01:01:24,646 --> 01:01:28,441
- You better get out of here before you wake the president.
- [SNORING]
921
01:01:28,524 --> 01:01:32,111
[ANNOUNCER] When President Harrison
Chandler was married in the White House...
922
01:01:32,195 --> 01:01:34,405
it was the social event
of the decade.
923
01:01:34,489 --> 01:01:37,200
The courageous president...
924
01:01:37,283 --> 01:01:39,577
and his beautiful new bride.
925
01:01:39,661 --> 01:01:42,497
But she possessed a secret
that could shatter her dreams...
926
01:01:42,580 --> 01:01:45,458
and topple a government.
927
01:01:45,541 --> 01:01:48,836
I'll meet you in the Lincoln Room
in five minutes.
928
01:01:50,630 --> 01:01:52,632
[ANNOUNCER]
She was forced to live a lie...
929
01:01:52,715 --> 01:01:55,635
when her sins
came back to haunt her.
930
01:01:55,718 --> 01:01:59,514
She was
first lady of the evening.
931
01:01:59,597 --> 01:02:03,268
Irving Sidney's 1st Lady of the Evening.
932
01:02:03,351 --> 01:02:08,356
A Magnet paperback
in easy-to-read type with no big words.
933
01:02:12,610 --> 01:02:17,115
♪ [SIMMONS ON RADIO] ♪
♪ Birds suddenly appear ♪
934
01:02:17,198 --> 01:02:19,701
♪ - Every time ♪
♪ - [SIGHS] ♪
935
01:02:19,784 --> 01:02:23,037
Look, Violet, what do you say we go
park out by the lake?
936
01:02:23,121 --> 01:02:25,039
My glands are out of control.
937
01:02:26,165 --> 01:02:30,003
Well, okay, Georgie,
but are you prepared?
938
01:02:30,086 --> 01:02:32,839
I've been preparing myself for 17 years.
939
01:02:32,922 --> 01:02:35,550
That's not what I meant.
940
01:02:35,633 --> 01:02:38,553
♪ - Fall down from the sky ♪
♪ - Pull over to that drug store. ♪
941
01:02:42,640 --> 01:02:44,934
- [ENGINE STOPS]
- [EMERGENCY BRAKE SETS]
942
01:02:45,018 --> 01:02:49,856
♪ On the day that you were born ♪
♪ the angels got together ♪
943
01:02:49,939 --> 01:02:55,445
♪ - And decided to create a dream come true ♪
♪ - Georgie. ♪
944
01:02:55,528 --> 01:02:58,448
♪ So they sprinkled ♪
♪ moon dust in your hair ♪
945
01:02:58,531 --> 01:03:02,076
♪ - And golden starlight ♪
♪ - Make sure you ask for Titans. ♪
946
01:03:02,160 --> 01:03:04,829
Those are the best.
947
01:03:04,912 --> 01:03:09,459
♪ - [NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE] ♪
♪ - That is why all the boys ♪
948
01:03:09,542 --> 01:03:11,502
[BELL DINGS]
949
01:03:12,837 --> 01:03:15,298
Hello, George.
How are ya?
950
01:03:15,381 --> 01:03:18,134
Uh, hi, Mr Gower.
I-I didn't think you worked nights.
951
01:03:18,217 --> 01:03:21,429
My night man took sick.
What can I do for you?
952
01:03:21,512 --> 01:03:24,182
We're having a sale
on shaving cre...
953
01:03:24,265 --> 01:03:28,519
- What am I saying? You're not old enough to shave yet.
- I've been shaving since March.
954
01:03:28,603 --> 01:03:32,065
- See?
- Hey, I'd better call your mom right now and thank her...
955
01:03:32,148 --> 01:03:34,359
for the preserves she brought over
to our house...
956
01:03:34,442 --> 01:03:36,361
Not now! I mean...
957
01:03:36,444 --> 01:03:38,446
I-I mean, don't bother.
958
01:03:38,529 --> 01:03:41,199
- I'll give her the message for you.
- [HANGS UP PHONE]
959
01:03:41,282 --> 01:03:45,453
- I'll bet I know what you want.
- You do?
960
01:03:45,536 --> 01:03:50,500
Sure. I was young once. Liquorice sticks.
961
01:03:50,583 --> 01:03:52,627
They came in fresh this morning.
962
01:03:52,710 --> 01:03:55,880
- [BELL DINGS]
- Mr Gower, I'm 17 years old.
963
01:03:55,964 --> 01:03:58,675
- [BELL DINGS]
- Already? Seems like only yesterday...
964
01:03:58,758 --> 01:04:01,302
your mom was in here
buying talc...
965
01:04:01,386 --> 01:04:03,680
to powder your little bottom.
966
01:04:03,763 --> 01:04:06,182
- [CHUCKLES]
- Heh. Uh...
967
01:04:06,265 --> 01:04:08,309
look...
968
01:04:11,020 --> 01:04:13,940
Never mind. Thanks.
969
01:04:16,150 --> 01:04:20,113
♪ - [BELL DINGS] ♪
♪ - Follow you ♪
970
01:04:20,196 --> 01:04:23,032
♪ - [BELL DINGS] ♪
♪ - All around ♪
971
01:04:24,075 --> 01:04:26,202
♪ - Just like me ♪
♪ - [SIGHS] ♪
972
01:04:26,286 --> 01:04:28,830
♪ - [BELL DINGS] ♪
♪ - They long to be ♪
973
01:04:30,498 --> 01:04:32,709
Almost forgot
what I came in for.
974
01:04:32,792 --> 01:04:36,212
Tube of toothpaste and a box of...
[MUMBLES]
975
01:04:36,296 --> 01:04:38,506
Toothpaste and what?
976
01:04:38,589 --> 01:04:40,508
A box of...
[QUIETLY] Titans.
977
01:04:40,591 --> 01:04:42,552
You have to speak up, George.
978
01:04:42,635 --> 01:04:45,263
Titans! I want a box
of Titan condoms!
979
01:04:45,346 --> 01:04:47,974
- [GASPS]
- George!
980
01:04:50,435 --> 01:04:55,148
- And to think you were an altar boy.
- [SIGHS]
981
01:05:02,780 --> 01:05:06,117
- [KEYS JANGLING]
- [DOOR UNLOCKING]
982
01:05:10,121 --> 01:05:12,040
You did say Titans?
983
01:05:12,123 --> 01:05:15,126
[SIGHS]
Oh, only about four times.
984
01:05:15,209 --> 01:05:17,128
- [Slaps Bill On Counter]
- Thanks, Mr Gower.
985
01:05:17,211 --> 01:05:21,257
♪ [ALARM RINGING] [MARCHING BAND] ♪
♪ Stars And Stripes Forever ♪
986
01:05:21,341 --> 01:05:24,719
♪ - [CONTINUES] ♪
♪ - [LAUGHING] ♪
987
01:05:24,802 --> 01:05:28,890
[CROWD CHEERING, CHATTERING]
988
01:05:31,517 --> 01:05:34,896
[GOWER LAUGHING]
989
01:05:37,482 --> 01:05:39,400
- What's going' on?
- George?
990
01:05:39,484 --> 01:05:41,736
Rupert King, president
of Titan Condoms.
991
01:05:41,819 --> 01:05:47,033
Congratulations, young man. You are
our one-billionth customer. Pictures.
992
01:05:47,116 --> 01:05:48,993
[CROWD WHISTLING, CHEERING]
993
01:05:49,077 --> 01:05:51,496
- Thanks, but I really gotta go.
- Not so fast, kid.
994
01:05:51,579 --> 01:05:54,141
- We've been planning this for months.
- It's really not necessary.
995
01:05:54,165 --> 01:05:58,044
Tell me, George, how long have you been
using our fine Titan products?
996
01:05:58,127 --> 01:06:00,838
- Uh, you could say I never use anything else.
- Great quote.
997
01:06:00,922 --> 01:06:04,384
- Are you getting all of this?
- You're not gonna use my name, are you?
998
01:06:04,467 --> 01:06:07,971
Modesty, I like it. You could give Titans
that wholesome image we're looking for.
999
01:06:08,054 --> 01:06:10,056
Do you know what
you're doing to me?
1000
01:06:10,139 --> 01:06:12,350
The entire town's
gonna know about this.
1001
01:06:12,433 --> 01:06:17,188
You'll be a household name, George,
just like Bip, our Titan mascot!
1002
01:06:17,272 --> 01:06:19,983
- Pictures. Pictures.
- Hi, folks. Hi, George. Hi, everybody.
1003
01:06:20,066 --> 01:06:22,527
[MAN] Hey, George,
will you autograph a box for me?
1004
01:06:22,610 --> 01:06:25,905
- [CROWD, BIP LAUGHING]
- Get used to that, George.
1005
01:06:25,989 --> 01:06:28,783
- [NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
- More good news, George.
1006
01:06:28,866 --> 01:06:34,163
Even as we speak, your parents are racing here
to join you in your moment of Titan triumph.
1007
01:06:34,247 --> 01:06:37,500
My parents? Are you nuts?
I'm not even supposed to have the car.
1008
01:06:37,583 --> 01:06:40,295
Make sure you airbrush out
the kid's acne, okay? George...
1009
01:06:40,378 --> 01:06:45,883
as a token of our thanks, we'd like you
to have this lifetime supply of Titans!
1010
01:06:45,967 --> 01:06:48,886
- Thank you, Connie.
- All I wanted was one.
1011
01:06:48,970 --> 01:06:51,264
[CROWD, BIP LAUGHING]
1012
01:06:51,347 --> 01:06:53,308
- Violet!
- George, I can tell...
1013
01:06:53,391 --> 01:06:55,977
you're as excited as we are,
as you begin this...
1014
01:06:56,060 --> 01:06:59,188
- your year-long reign as our Titan king!
- [BIP] Yippee!
1015
01:06:59,272 --> 01:07:02,775
[CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUDING]
1016
01:07:02,859 --> 01:07:05,236
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE CONTINUE]
1017
01:07:17,248 --> 01:07:22,337
[MAN] And now the exciting conclusion
of the 1955 feature...
1018
01:07:22,420 --> 01:07:26,299
Amazon Women of the Moon.
1019
01:07:26,382 --> 01:07:29,469
There will be no further
commercial interruptions.
1020
01:07:29,552 --> 01:07:31,554
Bullshit or not?
1021
01:07:31,638 --> 01:07:33,514
Hey, cut the mush, you two.
1022
01:07:33,598 --> 01:07:36,601
- This place is about to blow sky high.
- Yes, look!
1023
01:07:36,684 --> 01:07:39,812
Moogla, the mountain demon, is angry.
1024
01:07:39,896 --> 01:07:42,690
- Yeah, and that ain't just heartburn.
- We haven't got much time.
1025
01:07:42,774 --> 01:07:45,193
- Let's go!
- [RUMBLING IN DISTANCE]
1026
01:07:45,276 --> 01:07:47,654
Come on, Loony.
1027
01:07:47,737 --> 01:07:49,739
[RUMBLING CONTINUES]
1028
01:07:57,789 --> 01:08:00,541
- There's the rocket. Hurry!
- Come on, Alpha Beta.
1029
01:08:00,625 --> 01:08:03,920
When we get back to Earth,
I'm gonna show you Ebbets Field.
1030
01:08:24,774 --> 01:08:29,445
Oh, Steve, save yourself.
[PANTING]
1031
01:08:29,529 --> 01:08:32,532
I wouldn't be able
to enjoy Earth without you.
1032
01:08:35,952 --> 01:08:38,454
[EXPLOSION]
1033
01:08:52,635 --> 01:08:55,013
[NELSON]
Fasten seat belts.
1034
01:08:55,096 --> 01:09:00,602
I think we got about 12 seconds
before everything blows. Fire retros.
1035
01:09:00,685 --> 01:09:02,937
[CAR ENGINE CRANKING]
1036
01:09:03,021 --> 01:09:06,190
- She won't turn over!
- [CAR ENGINE CRANKING]
1037
01:09:07,692 --> 01:09:12,488
[ENGINE CRANKS, REVS AND RUNS]
1038
01:09:13,990 --> 01:09:16,200
LISTEN TO THAT SWEET MUSIC.
1039
01:09:42,852 --> 01:09:45,480
[SCREECHING, CHITTERING]
1040
01:09:58,826 --> 01:10:00,912
[DEBRIS HITTING FLOOR]
1041
01:10:02,664 --> 01:10:06,584
There goes the only home
I've ever known.
1042
01:10:06,668 --> 01:10:10,964
You got a new home now, Lara,
[QUIETLY] with me on Earth.
1043
01:10:17,053 --> 01:10:21,057
- What are they doing, Butch?
- Well, it's called smooching', babe.
1044
01:10:25,103 --> 01:10:27,814
Come here. I'll give ya
your first lesson.
1045
01:10:32,610 --> 01:10:35,321
[HOOTING]
1046
01:10:35,405 --> 01:10:38,157
[PRESIDENT]
Earth to Moon Rocket One.
1047
01:10:39,158 --> 01:10:41,494
Earth to Moon Rocket One.
1048
01:10:41,577 --> 01:10:43,663
This is the president.
1049
01:10:43,746 --> 01:10:46,791
Steve, I hope you have things well in hand.
1050
01:10:48,209 --> 01:10:50,211
I'll say.
1051
01:10:58,261 --> 01:11:01,389
[HORNS HONKING]
1052
01:11:01,472 --> 01:11:04,309
[TV WHOOPING, GUNFIRE]
1053
01:11:04,392 --> 01:11:06,394
Psst.
1054
01:11:08,313 --> 01:11:09,689
Psst.
1055
01:11:11,858 --> 01:11:13,776
Yeah, you. Come here.
1056
01:11:19,324 --> 01:11:21,659
- Yeah?
- Saturday night.
1057
01:11:24,954 --> 01:11:27,582
- Yeah?
- Ain't got a date.
1058
01:11:30,084 --> 01:11:33,421
- What's your name, kid?
- Ray.
1059
01:11:33,504 --> 01:11:35,840
Ray?
1060
01:12:07,538 --> 01:12:09,457
♪ [TV SOFT ROCK] ♪
1061
01:12:09,540 --> 01:12:12,502
♪ [CONTINUES] ♪
1062
01:12:12,585 --> 01:12:15,546
[GIGGLES]
Mmm.
1063
01:12:15,630 --> 01:12:17,924
You must be Ray.
1064
01:12:20,134 --> 01:12:22,053
I'm Sherrie.
1065
01:12:23,262 --> 01:12:25,181
[GIGGLES]
1066
01:12:25,265 --> 01:12:27,350
I heard you were good-looking...
1067
01:12:28,851 --> 01:12:31,854
but I had no idea.
1068
01:12:31,938 --> 01:12:33,940
Come on in.
1069
01:12:41,072 --> 01:12:42,991
As you can see, I made dinner.
1070
01:12:43,074 --> 01:12:48,997
Mmm, but I'm not hungry
just yet... for food.
1071
01:12:49,080 --> 01:12:51,165
Do you know what I mean?
1072
01:13:07,473 --> 01:13:10,143
Help me with my zipper, Ray?
1073
01:13:12,437 --> 01:13:17,525
- [ZIPPER UNZIPPING]
- [MOANS] That's so much better.
1074
01:13:17,609 --> 01:13:20,945
- [DRESS HITTING FLOOR]
- God, you're such a hunk, Ray.
1075
01:13:23,448 --> 01:13:27,035
I want you.
And I want you now.
1076
01:13:27,118 --> 01:13:29,078
Get over here, Ray.
1077
01:13:31,581 --> 01:13:33,499
I'm waiting, Ray.
1078
01:13:33,583 --> 01:13:36,294
Take me.
1079
01:13:36,377 --> 01:13:40,214
I want you to make wild,
violent love to me.
1080
01:13:42,425 --> 01:13:44,719
Oh, yes, Ray.
1081
01:13:44,802 --> 01:13:48,306
[INHALES, MOANS]
Yes.
1082
01:13:48,389 --> 01:13:52,310
Oh, you're so good, Ray.
[MOANS]
1083
01:13:52,393 --> 01:13:55,188
Yes.
[MOANING, SQUEALING] Ray!
1084
01:13:55,271 --> 01:13:58,524
[MOANING, SIGHING]
1085
01:13:58,608 --> 01:14:01,903
You're the best, Ray.
Yeah, yeah.
1086
01:14:01,986 --> 01:14:05,323
[MOANING]
Ray, give it to me!
1087
01:14:05,406 --> 01:14:08,618
Mmm, that's good, Ray.
1088
01:14:08,701 --> 01:14:12,747
Yeah!
[PANTING, SCREAMING]
1089
01:14:12,830 --> 01:14:17,585
You're the... best, Ray! Yeah!
[MOANS]
1090
01:14:17,669 --> 01:14:19,170
♪ - [DOOR SLAMS] ♪
♪ - [ENDS] ♪
1091
01:14:19,253 --> 01:14:22,715
- [MAN] You dirty slut!
- Frankie, what are you doing' here?
1092
01:14:22,799 --> 01:14:26,260
- I thought you were outta town!
- That's what I wanted you to think!
1093
01:14:26,344 --> 01:14:31,766
- And I expected a little more from you, Ray.
- [QUIETLY] What, of me?
1094
01:14:31,849 --> 01:14:35,979
- You think I care about a loser like Ray?
- Loser?
1095
01:14:36,062 --> 01:14:38,982
- I did it to hurt you.
- You did it to hurt me?
1096
01:14:39,065 --> 01:14:41,234
Well, your cheating' days
are over, street meat!
1097
01:14:41,317 --> 01:14:45,280
- Frankie, what are you doing' with that gun?
- I'm gonna teach you...
1098
01:14:45,363 --> 01:14:47,949
and this little know-nothing wimp
a lesson!
1099
01:14:48,032 --> 01:14:50,952
- That's what I'm doing' with the gun.
- No, Frankie!
1100
01:14:51,035 --> 01:14:53,788
I love you!
I've always loved you.
1101
01:14:53,871 --> 01:14:57,208
- You think I enjoyed going to bed with a worm like Ray?
- Shut up!
1102
01:14:57,292 --> 01:14:59,919
- Worm?
- You're history, Sherrie.
1103
01:15:00,003 --> 01:15:04,215
- [SCREAMS] No!
- [GUNSHOTS]
1104
01:15:06,801 --> 01:15:08,720
Satisfied, Ray? Hmm?
1105
01:15:08,803 --> 01:15:11,055
Happy now, buddy?
1106
01:15:11,139 --> 01:15:15,476
Well, you're gonna have to live
with that guilt for the rest of your life.
1107
01:15:15,560 --> 01:15:17,687
And you know what else, Ray?
1108
01:15:18,771 --> 01:15:20,940
You're gonna have to live
with this too.
1109
01:15:21,024 --> 01:15:23,192
- [GUNSHOT]
- Freeze!
1110
01:15:26,404 --> 01:15:28,716
- You have the right to remain silent.
- [HANDCUFFS RATCHETING]
1111
01:15:28,740 --> 01:15:30,700
If you give up the right
to remain silent...
1112
01:15:30,783 --> 01:15:33,661
anything you say can and will be used
against you in a court of law.
1113
01:15:33,745 --> 01:15:37,585
You have the right to speak with an attorney and
have an attorney present at time of questioning.
1114
01:15:37,707 --> 01:15:41,127
♪ - [LATIN, ELECTRIC KEYBOARDS] ♪
♪ - I was at a dance ♪
1115
01:15:42,211 --> 01:15:44,130
♪ When she caught my eye ♪
1116
01:15:45,214 --> 01:15:47,133
♪ Standing all alone ♪
1117
01:15:48,217 --> 01:15:51,179
♪ Looking sad and shy ♪
1118
01:15:51,262 --> 01:15:53,222
♪ We began to dance ♪
1119
01:15:54,349 --> 01:15:57,977
♪ Swaying' to and fro ♪
♪ whoa, whoa ♪
1120
01:15:58,061 --> 01:16:02,231
♪ And soon I knew ♪
♪ I'd never let her go ♪
1121
01:16:03,274 --> 01:16:06,361
♪ Blame it on the boss a nova ♪
1122
01:16:06,444 --> 01:16:08,363
♪ With its magic spell ♪
1123
01:16:09,447 --> 01:16:12,033
♪ Blame it on the boss a nova ♪
1124
01:16:12,116 --> 01:16:14,035
♪ That she did so well ♪
1125
01:16:15,411 --> 01:16:18,665
♪ Oh, it all began ♪
♪ with just one little dance ♪
1126
01:16:18,748 --> 01:16:21,376
♪ But soon it ended up ♪
♪ a big romance ♪
1127
01:16:21,459 --> 01:16:24,712
♪ Blame it on the boss a nova ♪
1128
01:16:24,796 --> 01:16:27,340
♪ The dance of love ♪
1129
01:16:27,423 --> 01:16:30,343
♪ Blame it on the boss a nova ♪
1130
01:16:30,426 --> 01:16:32,345
♪ With its magic spell ♪
1131
01:16:33,429 --> 01:16:35,974
♪ Blame it on the boss a nova ♪
1132
01:16:36,057 --> 01:16:37,976
♪ That she did so well ♪
1133
01:16:39,352 --> 01:16:42,605
♪ Oh, it all began ♪
♪ with just one little dance ♪
1134
01:16:42,689 --> 01:16:45,233
♪ But soon it ended up ♪
♪ a big romance ♪
1135
01:16:45,316 --> 01:16:48,653
♪ Blame it on the boss a nova ♪
1136
01:16:48,736 --> 01:16:52,740
♪ - The dance of love ♪
♪ - [PAUSES] ♪
1137
01:16:52,824 --> 01:16:55,827
♪ [RESUMES] ♪
1138
01:17:02,375 --> 01:17:04,377
Is there anybody out there?
1139
01:17:07,505 --> 01:17:09,674
Would you please do me a favour?
1140
01:17:09,757 --> 01:17:14,596
Call Crazy Leo's and tell him the TV set
he sold me has a problem.
1141
01:17:14,679 --> 01:17:17,432
I'm still under warranty.
1142
01:17:17,515 --> 01:17:20,685
Hello? Hello?
1143
01:17:22,145 --> 01:17:26,065
[CRYING]
1144
01:17:26,149 --> 01:17:28,067
Help me.
I'll never see Selma.
1145
01:17:28,151 --> 01:17:31,487
I'll never get back.
I'll never get back.
1146
01:17:31,571 --> 01:17:35,450
I'm finished. I'm finished.
I'll never get back.
1147
01:17:35,533 --> 01:17:37,493
♪ - I'm going out of my mind. ♪
♪ - [ENDS] ♪
1148
01:18:02,894 --> 01:18:05,688
Mary Brown?
1149
01:18:05,772 --> 01:18:10,735
- Yes.
- Sit down, Mary Brown.
1150
01:18:15,740 --> 01:18:17,742
Thank you, Doctor.
1151
01:18:18,868 --> 01:18:22,872
Mary, I've been going
over your tests.
1152
01:18:22,956 --> 01:18:26,084
How did a nice girl like you...
1153
01:18:26,167 --> 01:18:30,213
come to contract
a social disease?
1154
01:18:30,296 --> 01:18:33,049
Then my worst fears
are confirmed.
1155
01:18:33,132 --> 01:18:35,635
Oh, the shame of it!
1156
01:18:35,718 --> 01:18:40,473
- [SOBBING]
- Now, now. You are unclean...
1157
01:18:41,849 --> 01:18:45,353
but there's always hope.
1158
01:18:47,230 --> 01:18:49,941
Tell me how you went astray.
1159
01:18:50,024 --> 01:18:53,653
- Tell me everything.
- [WHEELS SQUEAKING, ROLLING]
1160
01:18:54,737 --> 01:18:57,490
I won a...
beauty contest...
1161
01:18:57,573 --> 01:18:59,492
here in Iowa.
1162
01:18:59,575 --> 01:19:03,579
I thought I'd try my luck...
in New York.
1163
01:19:06,624 --> 01:19:08,710
It wasn't like Iowa at all.
1164
01:19:08,793 --> 01:19:12,672
And then I met
a theatrical agent.
1165
01:19:12,755 --> 01:19:16,259
Gosh, that sure is different
than the sarsaparilla we have back home.
1166
01:19:16,342 --> 01:19:18,845
Well, we like a little more sass
in our parilla.
1167
01:19:18,928 --> 01:19:23,391
Now, Mary I didn't get you up here
to dish out a lot o' hooey.
1168
01:19:23,474 --> 01:19:26,227
Oh, that's all right.
I already had lunch.
1169
01:19:26,311 --> 01:19:29,564
You see, there's a social side
to this business we call show.
1170
01:19:29,647 --> 01:19:33,276
- Now, uh, let me see your gams.
- What?
1171
01:19:36,738 --> 01:19:39,782
I was humiliated,
though oddly excited.
1172
01:19:41,075 --> 01:19:43,286
Well, he told me
he could spot fresh talent...
1173
01:19:43,369 --> 01:19:47,141
♪ - and sent me to see a colleague of his named Dutch Monahan. ♪
♪ - [HONKY-TONK PIANO PLAYING] ♪
1174
01:19:47,165 --> 01:19:50,168
It turned out to be
a wild party.
1175
01:19:52,837 --> 01:19:56,257
Here. Dunk your whiskers
in this, sister.
1176
01:19:56,341 --> 01:19:59,594
You guys sure like
your sarsaparilla in this town.
1177
01:19:59,677 --> 01:20:01,596
Get her.
1178
01:20:01,679 --> 01:20:05,016
Shut your trap,
or I'll bite your ears off.
1179
01:20:05,099 --> 01:20:08,353
Keep your hands off me,
ya big palooka.
1180
01:20:08,436 --> 01:20:11,522
That was my first exposure
to New York intellectuals.
1181
01:20:12,899 --> 01:20:16,778
Gee whiz. My first sophisticated,
New York party.
1182
01:20:16,861 --> 01:20:19,364
Which one is Cole Porter?
1183
01:20:21,532 --> 01:20:25,954
When you realized that your body had
been rendered impure...
1184
01:20:26,037 --> 01:20:28,790
what did you do?
1185
01:20:28,873 --> 01:20:31,960
I made another foolish blunder.
1186
01:20:32,043 --> 01:20:34,963
I married my high school
sweetheart, Ken.
1187
01:20:35,046 --> 01:20:37,840
My shameful affliction
was exposed at last...
1188
01:20:37,924 --> 01:20:41,261
when Ken began showing symptoms
of the disease.
1189
01:20:41,344 --> 01:20:43,972
Goodbye, honey.
I'm going to work.
1190
01:20:44,055 --> 01:20:46,474
- Goodbye.
- [SIGHS]
1191
01:20:46,557 --> 01:20:48,768
Ow!
1192
01:20:48,851 --> 01:20:52,772
- Ken, what's wrong?
- My eyes.
1193
01:20:52,855 --> 01:20:55,775
Had my sinful ways
caught up with me?
1194
01:20:55,858 --> 01:20:58,736
Had I inflicted Ken
with my secret shame?
1195
01:21:00,989 --> 01:21:03,950
Ken's vision began
to affect his work.
1196
01:21:04,033 --> 01:21:09,497
- [MAN SCREAMING]
- Mike! Sorry!
1197
01:21:11,165 --> 01:21:14,043
Ah, today's reckless youth...
1198
01:21:14,127 --> 01:21:18,506
with your fast roadsters
and your rumble seats.
1199
01:21:18,589 --> 01:21:23,303
I want to show you something,
Mary Brown, for your own good.
1200
01:21:23,386 --> 01:21:27,390
Take a look at the germs
that have ravaged your system.
1201
01:21:31,728 --> 01:21:35,064
- [SQUEAKING, CHATTERING]
- [GASPS]
1202
01:21:35,148 --> 01:21:38,026
Come now with me to the clinic.
1203
01:21:38,109 --> 01:21:41,696
[CREAKING, RUMBLING]
1204
01:21:41,779 --> 01:21:47,035
- [BAT SQUEAKING]
- [MOANING, CHATTERING, MUFFLED]
1205
01:21:47,118 --> 01:21:51,247
What you are going to see here
is not pleasant.
1206
01:21:51,331 --> 01:21:55,376
I didn't realize we had
such specialized clinics here in Iowa.
1207
01:21:55,460 --> 01:22:00,048
When science is on the march,
nothing can stand in its way.
1208
01:22:00,131 --> 01:22:05,219
[MOANING, CHATTERING CONTINUE]
1209
01:22:05,303 --> 01:22:07,513
Who is that pitiful creature?
1210
01:22:07,597 --> 01:22:11,017
- [LAUGHING]
- [DOCTOR] Let's call him...
1211
01:22:11,100 --> 01:22:13,019
Pete Jones.
1212
01:22:13,102 --> 01:22:17,106
Pete's first troubles were
with smoking cigarettes and drinking beer.
1213
01:22:17,190 --> 01:22:19,525
- Weren't they, Pete?
- [GROWLING]
1214
01:22:19,609 --> 01:22:22,737
Get back!
We don't have any cigarettes!
1215
01:22:22,820 --> 01:22:24,739
Sad, isn't it?
1216
01:22:24,822 --> 01:22:28,076
- I've seen enough, Doctor!
- I know you have.
1217
01:22:28,159 --> 01:22:30,078
But have you?
1218
01:22:30,161 --> 01:22:32,872
Resist temptation,
or you may end up...
1219
01:22:32,956 --> 01:22:36,542
like Pete...
and Mary...
1220
01:22:36,626 --> 01:22:39,587
- and Ken.
- [HORN BLARING]
1221
01:22:39,671 --> 01:22:42,173
- [YELLING]
- [TYRES SQUEALING]
1222
01:22:52,183 --> 01:22:58,147
♪ Fast, Dance Band ♪
♪ With Noisemakers ♪
1223
01:24:18,436 --> 01:24:20,438
♪ [ENDS] ♪
99663
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