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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:08,100 Amazon Women On The Moon 1987 English 2 00:01:18,164 --> 00:01:20,166 [BRAKE SETS] 3 00:01:39,060 --> 00:01:41,562 ♪ [HUMMING] ♪ 4 00:01:46,156 --> 00:01:47,727 - [RINGS] - Hello? 5 00:01:49,445 --> 00:01:51,990 No. You got the wrong number. 6 00:01:52,073 --> 00:01:54,075 Yeah, but ain't no Thelma here, man. 7 00:01:54,158 --> 00:01:57,161 ♪ [LOUNGE] ♪ 8 00:02:16,556 --> 00:02:18,558 [BLOWS NOSE] 9 00:02:34,073 --> 00:02:36,075 [MUTTERING] 10 00:02:38,911 --> 00:02:40,913 - [GARBAGE DISPOSAL GRINDS] - [GRUNTS] 11 00:02:43,583 --> 00:02:46,961 [CHOKING, WHIMPERING] 12 00:02:47,045 --> 00:02:50,965 [WHIMPERING, SCREAMS] 13 00:02:51,049 --> 00:02:53,551 - [DISPOSAL STOPS] - [GASPING] 14 00:02:53,635 --> 00:02:56,137 [WATER RUNNING] 15 00:02:58,556 --> 00:03:00,516 [WATER SHUTS OFF] 16 00:03:00,600 --> 00:03:02,602 - Jesus! - [PHONE RINGS] 17 00:03:04,896 --> 00:03:07,398 - [CONTINUES RINGING] - I'm coming! 18 00:03:15,114 --> 00:03:19,744 What? Man, there ain't no Thelma here! 19 00:03:22,080 --> 00:03:24,791 [NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE] 20 00:03:47,397 --> 00:03:49,941 - [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING] - [SCREECHES] 21 00:03:59,117 --> 00:04:01,619 [PANTING] 22 00:04:08,626 --> 00:04:10,628 God. 23 00:04:35,611 --> 00:04:38,114 [TV SIZZLING] 24 00:04:47,540 --> 00:04:50,251 [CREAKING] 25 00:04:51,669 --> 00:04:53,880 [LOUD CRASH] 26 00:04:55,590 --> 00:04:58,843 [PHONE RINGS] 27 00:04:58,926 --> 00:05:01,679 [CONTINUES RINGING] 28 00:05:03,640 --> 00:05:06,309 - [RINGING STOPS] - [SHOUTING] What? 29 00:05:06,392 --> 00:05:09,854 Ain't no fucking' Thelma here, man! 30 00:05:09,937 --> 00:05:13,274 Look, the bitch don't live here! Fuck you too! 31 00:05:13,358 --> 00:05:16,527 [SCREAMS] Shit! Fuck! 32 00:05:16,611 --> 00:05:18,821 [GRUNTS, SCREAMS] 33 00:05:18,905 --> 00:05:21,908 [SCREAMING] 34 00:05:27,622 --> 00:05:30,667 Hello. I'm Dr Warren G. Easterbrook... 35 00:05:30,750 --> 00:05:33,461 Chairman of the President's Commission on Education... 36 00:05:33,544 --> 00:05:36,464 and I would like to talk to you about an ever-growing problem... 37 00:05:36,547 --> 00:05:39,217 the short attention span of today's youth. 38 00:05:39,300 --> 00:05:42,303 Weaned as they are on television, young people today... 39 00:05:42,387 --> 00:05:44,472 can't seem to pay attention for more than a few mo... 40 00:05:46,891 --> 00:05:50,520 [MAN] Pethouse Video presents an in-depth... 41 00:05:50,603 --> 00:05:53,231 up close and personal look... 42 00:05:53,314 --> 00:05:57,610 at Pethouse Plaything Taryn Steele. 43 00:05:57,694 --> 00:06:01,322 [WOMAN NARRATING] Oh, so many neat things have happened to me in my life. 44 00:06:01,406 --> 00:06:05,243 Being named homecoming queen, making the cheerleading squad. 45 00:06:05,326 --> 00:06:08,621 But the neatest thing ever was when I was recently chosen... 46 00:06:08,705 --> 00:06:10,790 the Pethouse Plaything of the Month. 47 00:06:12,250 --> 00:06:14,419 But being a Plaything hasn't changed me. 48 00:06:14,502 --> 00:06:16,713 I'm still the same Taryn. 49 00:06:18,965 --> 00:06:23,177 When I was first chosen, I was, like, really immature. 50 00:06:23,261 --> 00:06:25,888 But I've grown so much since then. 51 00:06:25,972 --> 00:06:27,974 I can hardly believe it's me. 52 00:06:29,100 --> 00:06:32,729 I'm a beach person and a night person. 53 00:06:32,812 --> 00:06:36,441 I really feel sorry for anyone who doesn't live in California... 54 00:06:36,524 --> 00:06:39,694 'cause we've got it all... the mountains, the sun. 55 00:06:39,777 --> 00:06:42,572 And, like, there's no humidity. 56 00:06:42,655 --> 00:06:45,074 It really blows me away. 57 00:06:45,158 --> 00:06:49,537 Here, out of the public eye, I can just fade into the crowd. 58 00:06:49,620 --> 00:06:53,541 In New York, I get hassled all the time. I don't understand it. 59 00:06:53,625 --> 00:06:57,795 Laguna offers me peace and solitude... 60 00:06:57,879 --> 00:07:00,882 away from the pressure of being a Plaything. 61 00:07:00,965 --> 00:07:04,886 Here in Laguna, I can just let my mind go blank. 62 00:07:08,514 --> 00:07:10,516 Art is my life. 63 00:07:15,146 --> 00:07:18,191 I love to browse Laguna's art galleries... 64 00:07:18,274 --> 00:07:20,735 and my dream is to one day... 65 00:07:20,818 --> 00:07:24,447 have some of my things hanging here. 66 00:07:24,530 --> 00:07:28,534 But my real strength comes from my family... 67 00:07:28,618 --> 00:07:31,954 and my strong religious upbringing. 68 00:07:32,038 --> 00:07:36,626 I'll always be grateful to my mom and dad and the values they've given me... 69 00:07:36,709 --> 00:07:41,756 which help me take on the awesome responsibilities... 70 00:07:41,839 --> 00:07:44,050 of Plaything of the Month. 71 00:08:00,608 --> 00:08:03,820 Selma, look at this reception. 72 00:08:06,823 --> 00:08:10,118 - [CLICK] - Beaver, did you bring home a note from your teacher today? 73 00:08:10,201 --> 00:08:12,745 Oh, no, Dad. That's one of your jokes I haven't heard before. 74 00:08:12,829 --> 00:08:16,541 - [WOMAN] Record warm temperatures tomorrow. - Unbelievable! 75 00:08:16,624 --> 00:08:18,668 Best investment I ever made. [KISS] 76 00:08:18,751 --> 00:08:21,629 [WEATHERCASTER CONTINUES, INDISTINCT] 77 00:08:21,713 --> 00:08:23,673 [SIGHS] 78 00:08:25,550 --> 00:08:29,762 You haven't been out of this house in two weeks. 79 00:08:29,846 --> 00:08:32,515 Lows will warm up just a bit. 80 00:08:32,598 --> 00:08:35,143 What the hell has happened to my remote? 81 00:08:37,395 --> 00:08:40,023 Sunny skies for the remainder of the day. 82 00:08:40,106 --> 00:08:42,066 Murray? 83 00:08:42,150 --> 00:08:44,986 Embedded in those clouds. And here in the southern... 84 00:08:45,069 --> 00:08:47,071 Excuse me, sir. We're on the air. 85 00:08:47,155 --> 00:08:49,699 Selma! Get me out of here! 86 00:08:49,782 --> 00:08:51,784 I must've pressed the wrong button. 87 00:08:51,868 --> 00:08:56,289 Murray, what are you doing on the weather? 88 00:08:56,372 --> 00:09:01,377 I don't know. Press something. Bring me back! 89 00:09:01,461 --> 00:09:03,838 Here! 90 00:09:03,921 --> 00:09:08,092 [MAN] Swung on, and it's a high fly ball to centre field. 91 00:09:08,176 --> 00:09:12,347 - Wait a minute! There's a fan on the field! - [CROWD BOOING] 92 00:09:12,430 --> 00:09:15,016 ♪ Make me wanna stay ♪ ♪ If this is it ♪ 93 00:09:15,099 --> 00:09:19,520 ♪ - Doo wah ♪ ♪ - Now I'm trapped in a rock video! Anything but this! ♪ 94 00:09:19,604 --> 00:09:23,900 ♪ If this ain't love ♪ ♪ you better let me go ♪ 95 00:09:23,983 --> 00:09:25,985 ♪ - If this is it ♪ ♪ - Doo wah ♪ 96 00:09:27,111 --> 00:09:29,906 Selma! Help me! 97 00:09:29,989 --> 00:09:32,367 ♪ - If this ain't love, baby ♪ ♪ - Wait. Wait. ♪ 98 00:09:32,450 --> 00:09:35,995 - Selma! - I'm looking for the booklet. 99 00:09:39,540 --> 00:09:44,379 ♪ - [OMINOUS] ♪ ♪ - Oh, no. I'm in black and white. ♪ 100 00:09:44,462 --> 00:09:46,839 Where am I? 101 00:09:49,008 --> 00:09:53,054 - [GROWLING] - Selma! 102 00:09:53,137 --> 00:09:57,058 [MURRAY] Help! 103 00:10:03,773 --> 00:10:06,109 Selma! Selma! 104 00:10:06,192 --> 00:10:10,113 This is what you get for throwing out the directions. 105 00:10:10,196 --> 00:10:13,950 Help! Help me! 106 00:10:14,033 --> 00:10:15,910 ♪ - [MELLOW JAZZ] ♪ ♪ - [GASPS] ♪ 107 00:10:15,994 --> 00:10:18,913 Here you can leave me for the night. 108 00:10:21,416 --> 00:10:23,918 You should be so lucky. 109 00:10:27,797 --> 00:10:29,799 - Yech! - [TWITTERING] 110 00:10:31,217 --> 00:10:36,014 - [CHUCKLING] - Where am I? 111 00:10:36,097 --> 00:10:38,182 You're on the Disney Channel. 112 00:10:38,266 --> 00:10:41,769 At least I know you won't catch anything there. 113 00:10:41,853 --> 00:10:46,524 - Fun is fun, Selma, but I want to come home. - [CHUCKLING] I'm trying. 114 00:10:46,607 --> 00:10:50,570 [MAN] 500 million people are watching via satellite... 115 00:10:50,653 --> 00:10:55,199 as the president and first lady Deplane for this historic Moscow visit. 116 00:10:55,283 --> 00:10:58,161 They look fit and rested. Wait a minute. 117 00:10:58,244 --> 00:11:01,456 An unidentified man has emerged from Air Force One. 118 00:11:01,539 --> 00:11:05,418 He seems, believe it or not, to be clad only in his underwear. 119 00:11:05,501 --> 00:11:08,296 - The Secret Service have grabbed him. - Where am I? I'm innocent! 120 00:11:08,379 --> 00:11:11,716 - But who is he and how did he get on board? - I was only watching television! 121 00:11:11,799 --> 00:11:14,344 - He appears to be deranged. - Help! Selma! 122 00:11:17,889 --> 00:11:19,891 [MAN] I'm so proud of you, Brenda... 123 00:11:19,974 --> 00:11:22,644 getting through the delivery without any an aesthetic. 124 00:11:22,727 --> 00:11:25,647 Well, I had the best Lamaze coach in the world. 125 00:11:25,730 --> 00:11:29,192 When do we get to see the baby? It's been eight hours. 126 00:11:29,275 --> 00:11:32,111 Well, you remember the film they showed us in class. 127 00:11:32,195 --> 00:11:35,823 There's all kinds of tests they have to perform on a new born child. 128 00:11:35,907 --> 00:11:38,326 - So. - That's true. 129 00:11:38,409 --> 00:11:40,662 Ah! There's my favourite couple. 130 00:11:40,745 --> 00:11:43,498 - Mr and Mrs Flanders. - That's Landers. 131 00:11:43,581 --> 00:11:46,709 Right, right. Flanders is uraemic poisoning on 39. 132 00:11:47,752 --> 00:11:49,712 - So. - Um. 133 00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:52,674 Nice stitch work, if I say so myself. 134 00:11:52,757 --> 00:11:56,135 Doctor, we'd like to see our son. The nurses keep giving us the run around. 135 00:11:56,219 --> 00:11:58,554 I'd like nothing better than to bring you both your son... 136 00:11:58,638 --> 00:12:00,640 but have you looked around this hospital? 137 00:12:00,723 --> 00:12:02,684 There are sick people here. 138 00:12:02,767 --> 00:12:06,562 I just saw this old guy in the hallway with these gnarly scabs all over his body. 139 00:12:06,646 --> 00:12:08,856 Gross me out! [GAGS, SHUDDERS] 140 00:12:08,940 --> 00:12:12,402 - I'm not about to expose your little Jeffrey... - Nicholas. 141 00:12:12,485 --> 00:12:14,529 To that. 142 00:12:14,612 --> 00:12:17,615 - I've got a solemn oath to uphold here. - Doctor... 143 00:12:17,699 --> 00:12:20,326 Brenda and I are both Lamaze graduates... 144 00:12:20,410 --> 00:12:25,290 and we've never heard of quarantining a healthy infant before. 145 00:12:25,373 --> 00:12:27,750 Ooh, Lamaze. 146 00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:31,754 Well, I forgot that you spent three whole weekends sitting on a floor... 147 00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:33,673 learning how to breathe. 148 00:12:33,756 --> 00:12:36,634 I had to get by on a degree from Harvard Medical School! 149 00:12:36,718 --> 00:12:41,431 Please, it's important to us to see our child. You've heard of bonding. 150 00:12:41,514 --> 00:12:43,808 - Uh. - Doctor. 151 00:12:43,891 --> 00:12:47,145 We'd like to spend a little quality time with our son, please. 152 00:12:47,228 --> 00:12:51,065 A little quality time with your son? That would be beautiful. 153 00:12:51,149 --> 00:12:55,236 You people. [SCOFFS] 154 00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:58,614 - What's with that guy? - [WOMAN ON P.A.] Mrs Fernandez, front desk. 155 00:12:58,698 --> 00:13:02,410 He's supposed to be the top man in his field. 156 00:13:02,493 --> 00:13:05,246 Well, when he brings in little Jeffrey, we're going. 157 00:13:05,330 --> 00:13:07,582 - Nicholas! - [DOCTOR] Here we go. 158 00:13:07,665 --> 00:13:10,001 - Here's the little tyke. - [BOTH] Oh! 159 00:13:10,084 --> 00:13:12,712 - Okay, that's enough germs. - Wait! Wait a minute. 160 00:13:12,795 --> 00:13:16,299 - We haven't even seen him yet. - Go ahead, breathe all over him. I don't care. 161 00:13:20,470 --> 00:13:22,722 What is this, some kind of sick practical joke? 162 00:13:22,805 --> 00:13:24,849 What are you talking about? He's got your eyes. 163 00:13:24,932 --> 00:13:26,934 Take that hideous thing away. 164 00:13:27,018 --> 00:13:30,188 Come on. They all look like this at first. 165 00:13:30,271 --> 00:13:36,110 You see, when the baby passes through the birth canal, its head gets a little pointy. 166 00:13:36,194 --> 00:13:38,529 He should round out in a couple days. Promise. 167 00:13:38,613 --> 00:13:42,033 That's not a baby. That's a Mr Potato Head. 168 00:13:42,116 --> 00:13:43,826 Harry, call the hospital administrator. 169 00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:47,872 Hey! You're right. This is a Mr Potato Head. 170 00:13:49,374 --> 00:13:51,334 Gosh, they're so lifelike. 171 00:13:51,417 --> 00:13:54,003 Anybody could've made this mistake. 172 00:13:54,087 --> 00:13:57,382 I'll be right back with the real Nicholas. 173 00:13:57,465 --> 00:14:01,469 - Harry, what are they doing to us? - Calm down, Brenda. Calm down. 174 00:14:01,552 --> 00:14:04,180 We don't want you to get post-part um anxiety. 175 00:14:04,263 --> 00:14:08,726 Now, as soon as we get our son, I'm going to report this quack. 176 00:14:08,810 --> 00:14:11,229 Thank God you took that assertiveness training course. 177 00:14:11,312 --> 00:14:13,481 Yeah. 178 00:14:13,564 --> 00:14:15,900 Here's the little tyke. [CHUCKLING] 179 00:14:15,984 --> 00:14:19,153 - You've been a naughty little baby. Yes, you have. - [SIGHS] 180 00:14:19,237 --> 00:14:23,658 - Playing peekaboo with Mommy and Daddy. - About time. Nick, it's your dad. 181 00:14:26,244 --> 00:14:29,414 He's got a strong, determined jaw just like his old man there. 182 00:14:29,497 --> 00:14:31,666 [IMITATES BABY COOING AND CRYING] 183 00:14:31,749 --> 00:14:33,793 Whoops. [IMITATES BABY CRYING] 184 00:14:33,876 --> 00:14:37,046 - Great. Now you made him cry. - I don't believe this. 185 00:14:37,130 --> 00:14:41,426 [CONTINUES IMITATING BABY CRYING] 186 00:14:45,054 --> 00:14:48,099 Is this okay? Would you rather breastfeed him? 187 00:14:48,182 --> 00:14:50,810 - Get away from me! - I'm gonna kill you! 188 00:14:50,893 --> 00:14:53,354 [GASPS] What kind of hospital is this? 189 00:14:53,438 --> 00:14:56,774 All right, Mr and Mrs Lamaze! 190 00:14:56,858 --> 00:15:00,737 You see, due to a slight clerical error, your son has been temporarily misplaced. 191 00:15:00,820 --> 00:15:04,615 - You lost our son? - Did I say lost? I said misplaced! 192 00:15:04,699 --> 00:15:09,495 I'm suing you for... for malpractice, negligence you name it! 193 00:15:09,579 --> 00:15:14,292 Just jump all over me! What about the nine kids I didn't lose this week? 194 00:15:14,375 --> 00:15:17,378 My baby! What have they done with my baby? 195 00:15:17,462 --> 00:15:21,466 It was your fault. If you hadn't distracted me with that video equipment in the delivery room... 196 00:15:21,549 --> 00:15:24,218 I might not have misplaced your little brat! 197 00:15:24,302 --> 00:15:27,138 - Doctor. We found him. - See? 198 00:15:27,221 --> 00:15:31,726 - He was down the hall in the laundry hamper. - [BOTH] Oh! 199 00:15:31,809 --> 00:15:33,811 Oh, he's beautiful. 200 00:15:33,895 --> 00:15:37,231 I hope you're both ashamed of yourselves. 201 00:15:37,315 --> 00:15:41,486 All this hysteria when he was safe and sound not 20 feet from this room. 202 00:15:41,569 --> 00:15:46,157 Doctor, you're due in surgery for that kidney transplant. 203 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:48,242 Where's the donor organ? 204 00:15:48,326 --> 00:15:50,328 The donor organ? 205 00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:54,278 God, I had it with me when I left the house this morning. 206 00:15:57,752 --> 00:16:01,589 [MAN] Good morning and welcome to Movies Till Sunrise. 207 00:16:01,673 --> 00:16:06,260 Our feature presentation is the 1954 science fiction classic... 208 00:16:06,344 --> 00:16:08,596 Amazon Women on the Moon... 209 00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:12,100 starring Laird Granger and Greta Van Zandt... 210 00:16:12,183 --> 00:16:16,229 complete and uncut, with no commercial interruptions. 211 00:16:16,312 --> 00:16:18,272 This used to be me. 212 00:16:18,356 --> 00:16:21,192 Old before my years, ignored by women... 213 00:16:21,275 --> 00:16:23,277 passed over for promotions. 214 00:16:23,361 --> 00:16:25,780 But now all that has changed. 215 00:16:28,032 --> 00:16:30,743 Hi. I'm Sy Swerdlow... 216 00:16:30,827 --> 00:16:34,539 and I invented the patented process known as hair looming. 217 00:16:34,622 --> 00:16:39,585 If you suffer from premature hair loss, let our team of technicians... 218 00:16:39,669 --> 00:16:43,798 visit you in the privacy of your home... 219 00:16:43,881 --> 00:16:46,509 so there will be no embarrassment. 220 00:16:46,592 --> 00:16:49,137 You choose from our selection... 221 00:16:49,220 --> 00:16:52,515 of over 200 colours and styles. 222 00:16:52,598 --> 00:16:56,602 Then your head will be carpeted... 223 00:16:56,686 --> 00:16:59,522 - with 100% pure acrylic fibre, - [WHIRRING] 224 00:16:59,605 --> 00:17:01,607 - completely natural-looking. - [TACKING] 225 00:17:03,568 --> 00:17:05,737 You can sleep in it. 226 00:17:05,820 --> 00:17:08,114 You can shower in it. 227 00:17:08,197 --> 00:17:10,783 [VACUUMING] 228 00:17:10,867 --> 00:17:13,286 It changed my life... 229 00:17:14,912 --> 00:17:17,040 and it'll change yours. 230 00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:19,125 Call toll free. 231 00:17:19,208 --> 00:17:22,837 1-800-GET-HAIR. 232 00:17:50,823 --> 00:17:53,451 [RADIO STATIC] 233 00:17:56,746 --> 00:18:00,291 - Well, men, I've been studying this map of the lunar surface... - [MONKEY CHATTERING] 234 00:18:00,375 --> 00:18:03,086 and I've chosen the dark side as our landing site. 235 00:18:03,169 --> 00:18:08,508 - So, don't forget your space beams. - Roger, Steve. 236 00:18:11,344 --> 00:18:15,139 Just think, Loony, in less than an hour, we're gonna be on the moon. 237 00:18:15,223 --> 00:18:19,227 The first thing I'm gonna do is carve me off a hunk of that green cheese. 238 00:18:19,310 --> 00:18:22,897 Now, Butch, you know one of the purposes of this mission... 239 00:18:22,981 --> 00:18:25,692 is to dispel some of those myths. 240 00:18:25,775 --> 00:18:28,319 Steve, I've got the president on the electro-scan. 241 00:18:32,365 --> 00:18:35,410 - Whillikers! - [BEEP] 242 00:18:35,493 --> 00:18:37,578 [MAN] Come in, men of Moon Rocket One. 243 00:18:37,662 --> 00:18:41,499 This is the president of the United States calling from planet Earth. 244 00:18:43,626 --> 00:18:45,586 We read you, Mr President. 245 00:18:45,670 --> 00:18:48,881 This is Steve Nelson, commander, Moon Rocket One. 246 00:18:48,965 --> 00:18:53,469 Commander Nelson, this is a proud day for all Americans... 247 00:18:53,553 --> 00:18:56,973 and this year of 1980 will be remembered as the year... 248 00:18:57,056 --> 00:18:59,851 an American first set foot on the moon. 249 00:18:59,934 --> 00:19:03,313 The governors of all 48 states join me... 250 00:19:03,396 --> 00:19:05,606 in wishing Godspeed to you... 251 00:19:05,690 --> 00:19:08,026 and your hand-picked team of scientists. 252 00:19:08,109 --> 00:19:10,153 That's us, Loony. 253 00:19:10,236 --> 00:19:13,364 Thank you, Mr President. We're proud to serve our country. 254 00:19:13,448 --> 00:19:15,450 Over and out. 255 00:19:16,951 --> 00:19:20,788 Blackie, neutralize the electro-scan. 256 00:19:20,872 --> 00:19:23,625 - [CLICK] - Electro-scan neutralized, sir. 257 00:19:23,708 --> 00:19:26,210 There she is, dead ahead! 258 00:19:34,093 --> 00:19:37,055 It's awesome, isn't it? 259 00:19:37,138 --> 00:19:39,766 [BLACKIE] I've got big plans for that piece of real estate. 260 00:19:39,849 --> 00:19:41,976 I'm going to sell advertising space on that. 261 00:19:42,060 --> 00:19:45,396 Just picture this... the world's biggest billboard. 262 00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:47,482 We'll make a bundle. 263 00:19:47,565 --> 00:19:50,109 Hold your horses, Blackie. 264 00:19:50,193 --> 00:19:53,446 This voyage is for the betterment of mankind. 265 00:19:53,529 --> 00:19:56,115 [VOICE DISTORTS] Let's not any of us forget that. 266 00:19:56,199 --> 00:19:58,076 [DISTORTED] Sure, chief. 267 00:20:08,628 --> 00:20:10,630 There goes my lunch. 268 00:20:10,713 --> 00:20:12,674 [GROANS] 269 00:20:12,757 --> 00:20:15,134 It's right up there with my stomach. 270 00:20:15,218 --> 00:20:19,263 [CHUCKLING] Prepare for moon landing. 271 00:20:19,347 --> 00:20:23,184 - Initiate rotation system. - Rotation initiated. 272 00:20:24,102 --> 00:20:26,104 Reverse retros. 273 00:20:26,187 --> 00:20:28,189 Retros reversed. 274 00:20:35,238 --> 00:20:38,700 Steve, we're losing pressure in the atom chamber. 275 00:20:38,783 --> 00:20:40,785 If it drops any more, we're goners. 276 00:20:40,868 --> 00:20:45,081 [ALARM SOUNDING] 277 00:20:49,919 --> 00:20:51,921 Quick, Blackie, switch to the emergency. 278 00:20:53,965 --> 00:20:58,553 ♪ Tie a yellow ribbon ♪ ♪ round the old oak tree ♪ 279 00:20:58,636 --> 00:21:01,306 ♪ It's been ♪ ♪ three long years ♪ 280 00:21:01,389 --> 00:21:04,017 ♪ Do ya still want me ♪ 281 00:21:04,100 --> 00:21:09,522 ♪ If I don't see a ribbon ♪ ♪ round the old oak tree ♪ 282 00:21:09,605 --> 00:21:12,567 ♪ I'll stay on the bus ♪ ♪ forget about us ♪ 283 00:21:12,650 --> 00:21:14,777 ♪ Put the blame on me ♪ 284 00:21:14,861 --> 00:21:16,821 Did you know that every seven minutes... 285 00:21:16,904 --> 00:21:20,450 a black person is born in this country without soul? 286 00:21:20,533 --> 00:21:23,119 Hello, I'm B.B. King. 287 00:21:23,202 --> 00:21:26,039 Won't you help Don Simmons and the thousands of others... 288 00:21:26,122 --> 00:21:28,791 that suffer from this tragic disorder? 289 00:21:28,875 --> 00:21:33,212 Its cruel symptoms can strike anyone. Let's take a look. 290 00:21:33,296 --> 00:21:37,842 I think the Republican Party has done one heck of a job. Don't you, June? 291 00:21:37,925 --> 00:21:41,971 I'll say, Ward. We Republicans have turned this country around. 292 00:21:42,055 --> 00:21:44,098 [BOTH CHUCKLING] 293 00:21:44,182 --> 00:21:47,060 - [SIREN WAILS] - Safety and good mileage are the two things... 294 00:21:47,143 --> 00:21:49,937 I looked for in a new car. 295 00:21:50,021 --> 00:21:53,441 That's why I bought a Volvo station wagon. 296 00:21:53,524 --> 00:21:57,987 Hi. I'm president of the David Hartman Fan Club here in Glendale. 297 00:21:58,071 --> 00:22:01,240 I've even met David Hartman once. What a neat guy. 298 00:22:04,619 --> 00:22:07,789 ♪ Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny ♪ ♪ chim-chim cheree ♪ 299 00:22:07,872 --> 00:22:11,501 ♪ A sweep is as lucky ♪ ♪ as lucky can be ♪ 300 00:22:11,584 --> 00:22:14,796 ♪ Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny ♪ ♪ chim-chim cheroo ♪ 301 00:22:14,879 --> 00:22:18,257 ♪ Good luck will rub off ♪ ♪ when I shake hands with you ♪ 302 00:22:18,341 --> 00:22:21,552 This is B.B. King saying won't you please give... 303 00:22:21,636 --> 00:22:24,639 so that Don Simmons here and so many others... 304 00:22:24,722 --> 00:22:27,141 can become useful members of society. 305 00:22:27,225 --> 00:22:31,896 ♪ Or blow me a kiss ♪ ♪ and that's lucky too ♪ 306 00:22:31,980 --> 00:22:34,148 Write to. 307 00:22:38,069 --> 00:22:40,113 Thank you. 308 00:22:44,450 --> 00:22:46,452 Be right there. 309 00:22:53,918 --> 00:22:55,878 - Karen? - Hi. 310 00:22:55,962 --> 00:22:58,023 - Hi. I'm Jerry Stone. - Hi, Jerry. Nice meeting you. 311 00:22:58,047 --> 00:23:00,526 - I'm sorry. I'm running a little bit late. - Don't worry about it. 312 00:23:00,550 --> 00:23:02,552 - You look nice. - Thank you. 313 00:23:04,095 --> 00:23:06,431 - This is a great apartment. - Thanks. 314 00:23:06,514 --> 00:23:08,516 [SPRAYS] 315 00:23:14,772 --> 00:23:17,191 Uh, I hope you like sushi. 316 00:23:17,275 --> 00:23:20,737 I made reservations at Tokyo Rose on Columbus. 317 00:23:20,820 --> 00:23:24,365 Great. I hear it's terrific. 318 00:23:24,449 --> 00:23:26,951 Normally there's a waiting list, but I know the maitre d. 319 00:23:28,661 --> 00:23:30,705 You know, I gotta tell you... 320 00:23:30,788 --> 00:23:33,666 I never go on blind dates, but, uh... 321 00:23:33,750 --> 00:23:37,795 I just have a feeling that this might be special. 322 00:23:39,213 --> 00:23:42,967 Jerry? Before we leave, do me one small favour, will you? 323 00:23:43,051 --> 00:23:45,053 Sure. What? 324 00:23:45,136 --> 00:23:49,265 Would you mind showing me a credit card and a valid driver's licence? 325 00:23:49,349 --> 00:23:53,811 - You're kidding. Why? - I'd like to run a couple compatibility' check. 326 00:23:53,895 --> 00:23:57,482 What the heck is that? 327 00:23:57,565 --> 00:24:00,568 You know, Jerry, it's tough being a single girl in the big city. 328 00:24:00,652 --> 00:24:02,904 You meet all kinds of phoneys and creeps. 329 00:24:02,987 --> 00:24:06,157 That's why this machine comes in handy. 330 00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:10,411 I just enter your I.D., and the central computer will tell me about your background. 331 00:24:10,495 --> 00:24:13,081 [CHUCKLES] I don't want a bank loan. I just want to take you out. 332 00:24:13,164 --> 00:24:17,210 I know, but I'd feel better running a check. Two I.D.'s, please. 333 00:24:17,293 --> 00:24:20,254 You're serious. 334 00:24:20,338 --> 00:24:23,424 - [MACHINE BEEPS] - It'll just take a minute. 335 00:24:23,508 --> 00:24:26,552 - This is ridiculous, but, uh. - [PUNCHING NUMBER PAD] 336 00:24:28,554 --> 00:24:30,556 - Here's, uh. - Three-one-six. 337 00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:33,434 - That's a cute picture. [CHUCKLES] - MasterCard. 338 00:24:42,276 --> 00:24:44,338 I don't know how I ever got along without one of these. 339 00:24:44,362 --> 00:24:46,364 Changed my life. 340 00:24:46,447 --> 00:24:48,449 Feel the same way about my VCR. 341 00:24:48,533 --> 00:24:50,994 Ooh. Right now I'm taping Sophie's Choice with Meryl Streep. 342 00:24:51,077 --> 00:24:54,664 - I love Meryl Streep. - Oh, I am so into her. 343 00:24:54,747 --> 00:24:56,457 [SIGHS] 344 00:24:56,541 --> 00:24:59,961 - [PRINTER BUZZING] - Here it comes now. 345 00:25:11,139 --> 00:25:13,141 - [LAUGHS] - [BELL DINGS] 346 00:25:15,184 --> 00:25:18,896 - All that about me? Geez. - They are very thorough. 347 00:25:20,815 --> 00:25:24,569 - [GIGGLES] This is great! - What? What? 348 00:25:29,157 --> 00:25:31,993 - Oh. - What do you got there? 349 00:25:37,749 --> 00:25:42,003 - Uh-oh. [SIGHS] - Uh-oh? What's... What's uh-oh? 350 00:25:42,086 --> 00:25:44,088 Jerry... 351 00:25:47,216 --> 00:25:50,345 does the name Debbie Rothenberg mean anything to you? 352 00:25:50,428 --> 00:25:54,265 Uh Debbie Rothenberg. Uh. 353 00:25:54,349 --> 00:25:56,601 Oh, yeah. I think I went out with her once or twice. 354 00:25:56,684 --> 00:26:00,396 You had sex with her on the second date, and then you never called her again. 355 00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:04,108 - I hate when guys do that. - It says all that? 356 00:26:04,192 --> 00:26:06,653 [SCOFFS] Does the phrase You're not only beautiful... 357 00:26:06,736 --> 00:26:10,114 but you're someone I feel I can open up to mean anything to you? 358 00:26:10,198 --> 00:26:12,200 [CHUCKLES] 359 00:26:12,283 --> 00:26:15,286 I'm not surprised. You've used that line on your last 16 dates. 360 00:26:15,370 --> 00:26:17,622 Look, this is ridiculous. 361 00:26:17,705 --> 00:26:21,042 Debbie... Uh, Karen, I think... 362 00:26:21,125 --> 00:26:23,336 that we have something very special here. 363 00:26:23,419 --> 00:26:26,798 - You're not like the other women you... - You meet in the city. 364 00:26:26,881 --> 00:26:29,300 See what I mean? 365 00:26:29,384 --> 00:26:31,386 And, Jerry... 366 00:26:33,471 --> 00:26:36,474 I could never get serious about someone who's selfish in bed. 367 00:26:36,557 --> 00:26:41,396 - Who's selfish in bed? - Well, how would you describe a man... 368 00:26:41,479 --> 00:26:44,983 who satisfies his own needs and rolls over and goes to sleep? 369 00:26:45,066 --> 00:26:47,610 - I never did that in my life! - Eleven times! 370 00:26:47,694 --> 00:26:51,406 - You want names and dates? - No. No, I do not! Look, hey, hold it. 371 00:26:51,489 --> 00:26:54,575 Anyway, that is just a small fraction of the hundreds of times... 372 00:26:54,659 --> 00:26:56,661 I've been intimate with women. 373 00:26:56,744 --> 00:26:59,122 We're exaggerating a little, aren't we, Jerry? 374 00:27:00,999 --> 00:27:04,127 The record only shows 21 sexual intimacies. 375 00:27:06,045 --> 00:27:10,466 - There you are. - This doesn't jibe with my figures. Okay, sweetie? 376 00:27:10,550 --> 00:27:14,470 Jerry, the statistics don't paint the picture of a mature man. 377 00:27:14,554 --> 00:27:16,931 Twelve times, you ignored your date at a party... 378 00:27:17,015 --> 00:27:19,475 to flirt with a more attractive woman. 379 00:27:19,559 --> 00:27:24,522 169 times, you feigned interest when a woman was talking about her career. 380 00:27:25,565 --> 00:27:28,943 On 17 occasions, you lied to women... 381 00:27:29,027 --> 00:27:32,405 telling them you were really into sushi and Meryl Streep movies. 382 00:27:33,614 --> 00:27:35,658 Make that 18 times. 383 00:27:37,368 --> 00:27:40,204 Wh-Wh-Where do they get these figures? 384 00:27:40,288 --> 00:27:42,290 As you can see, Jerry... 385 00:27:42,373 --> 00:27:44,876 it would be pointless for you and I to go out. 386 00:27:44,959 --> 00:27:46,961 Oh, yeah? 387 00:27:47,045 --> 00:27:49,648 Well, I'm gonna get one of those machines and see how well you come off! 388 00:27:49,672 --> 00:27:52,050 - Okay? - Goodnight, Jerry. 389 00:27:52,133 --> 00:27:54,552 It's early yet. Maybe you can still get lucky in a bar. 390 00:27:57,639 --> 00:27:59,641 Like you did last Thursday. 391 00:28:02,518 --> 00:28:04,687 Hello, Beverly? 392 00:28:04,771 --> 00:28:06,939 - [WOMAN] Yeah? - Hi. 393 00:28:07,023 --> 00:28:10,401 This is Jerry Stone. We met the other night at Dave's party. 394 00:28:12,153 --> 00:28:15,490 - Oh. Hi. - Hi. 395 00:28:15,573 --> 00:28:17,825 Listen, I know it's last minute... 396 00:28:17,909 --> 00:28:21,120 but I wanna ask you, are you free tonight? 397 00:28:21,204 --> 00:28:23,289 Uh, yeah. 398 00:28:23,373 --> 00:28:25,333 You are. Great. 399 00:28:25,416 --> 00:28:30,171 Listen, I can pick you up in 10 minutes. 400 00:28:30,254 --> 00:28:32,966 [CHUCKLES] Sure, okay. 401 00:28:33,049 --> 00:28:36,260 - Oh, Jerry, um. - Yeah? 402 00:28:36,344 --> 00:28:39,847 Could you bring a major credit card and a valid driver's licence? 403 00:28:41,933 --> 00:28:43,935 Jerry? 404 00:28:46,479 --> 00:28:51,025 [MAN] Extra Terrestrials. Strange phenomena. 405 00:28:51,109 --> 00:28:54,529 Missing persons. Lost continents. 406 00:28:54,612 --> 00:28:57,949 Myths and monsters. 407 00:28:58,032 --> 00:29:01,869 We examine these mysteries to determine... 408 00:29:01,953 --> 00:29:04,914 are they bullshit or not? 409 00:29:10,628 --> 00:29:12,630 London's West End. 410 00:29:12,714 --> 00:29:16,259 Here, in the winter of 1888... 411 00:29:16,342 --> 00:29:19,762 a series of bizarre and violent murders occurred... 412 00:29:19,846 --> 00:29:24,309 which remain unsolved to this very day. 413 00:29:32,025 --> 00:29:34,360 Jack the Ripper. 414 00:29:34,444 --> 00:29:37,947 Was he a prosperous London surgeon? 415 00:29:38,031 --> 00:29:40,908 Perhaps a member of British royalty. 416 00:29:40,992 --> 00:29:45,204 Well, our Bullshit team has unearthed... 417 00:29:45,288 --> 00:29:47,957 spectacular new evidence which suggests... 418 00:29:49,500 --> 00:29:52,128 that Jack the Ripper was, in fact... 419 00:29:53,463 --> 00:29:56,090 the Loch Ness monster. 420 00:29:56,174 --> 00:29:59,344 Is it possible that Nessie... 421 00:29:59,427 --> 00:30:04,265 murdered five streetwalkers before returning to Loch Ness? 422 00:30:04,349 --> 00:30:06,351 Using undiscovered evidence... 423 00:30:06,434 --> 00:30:09,896 we've pieced together the events leading up to the first murder. 424 00:30:09,979 --> 00:30:12,357 Although this is a Bullshit re-enactment... 425 00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:15,276 it may have happened just this way. 426 00:30:15,360 --> 00:30:18,529 Hello, dearie. Show you a good time for a quid. 427 00:30:18,613 --> 00:30:20,698 Throw the wife in for free. Oh, gents. 428 00:30:20,782 --> 00:30:24,619 Don't you want a girl to keep you warm tonight? 429 00:30:24,702 --> 00:30:29,290 [SIGHS] Me mum told me there would be nights like this. 430 00:30:29,374 --> 00:30:31,876 - [MURMURING] - Oh, my! 431 00:30:31,960 --> 00:30:35,672 You are a big one, now, aren't you? 432 00:30:35,755 --> 00:30:37,840 Come on, darling. 433 00:30:40,385 --> 00:30:42,387 [CHORTLING] 434 00:30:44,180 --> 00:30:47,225 [WHEELS SQUEAKING] 435 00:30:50,395 --> 00:30:54,065 Mind you, don't you be stepping on my feet now. 436 00:30:54,148 --> 00:30:58,027 - [MURMURING] - Ooh! 437 00:30:58,111 --> 00:31:01,656 Aren't you in an hurry! Now, will you be careful. 438 00:31:01,739 --> 00:31:04,367 Not so rough, da. Wait a min. 439 00:31:04,450 --> 00:31:07,245 [SCREAMING] 440 00:31:09,956 --> 00:31:12,208 Is this the way it happened? 441 00:31:12,292 --> 00:31:16,296 Was Jack the Ripper, in fact, a 60-foot sea serpent from Scotland? 442 00:31:17,755 --> 00:31:21,634 Did I take this job for a quick buck? 443 00:31:21,718 --> 00:31:25,263 We may never know the answers to these questions. Next week. 444 00:31:26,139 --> 00:31:28,599 Come on. 445 00:31:28,683 --> 00:31:31,477 [MAN] To recap the three movies that we reviewed this week... 446 00:31:31,561 --> 00:31:33,688 here on Critics Corner... 447 00:31:33,771 --> 00:31:36,274 Marc and I both gave a big thumbs up... 448 00:31:36,357 --> 00:31:40,361 - to the new Swedish film directed by, uh. - Olaf Svensen. 449 00:31:40,445 --> 00:31:44,991 Olaf Svensen, called The Winter of My Despondency. 450 00:31:45,074 --> 00:31:48,870 - Haunting abstract symbolism. - It's arty crap. 451 00:31:48,953 --> 00:31:51,873 - Jonathan and I did split, however... - [YAWNS] 452 00:31:51,956 --> 00:31:55,710 on the newest teenage romp called Frat Slobs. 453 00:31:55,793 --> 00:31:57,962 Jonathan, I think, thought it to be... 454 00:31:58,046 --> 00:32:01,049 a light, frothy souffle... 455 00:32:01,132 --> 00:32:03,885 - sizzling with youthful energy. - That I did. 456 00:32:03,968 --> 00:32:07,597 On the other hand, I thought it was pond scum. 457 00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:10,516 You're an albino. What the hell do you know? 458 00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:12,620 We have a new feature we'd like to introduce on Critics Corner... 459 00:32:12,644 --> 00:32:16,356 we hope you'll enjoy. We call it Real Life Reviews... 460 00:32:16,439 --> 00:32:20,693 in which we critique the life of an average person just like you. 461 00:32:20,777 --> 00:32:25,782 Jonathan will begin with a review of the life of Harvey Putnik. 462 00:32:25,865 --> 00:32:28,660 - [JONATHAN] No. Pitnik. - Pitnik, of Skokie, Indiana. 463 00:32:28,743 --> 00:32:30,745 - Illinois. - Illinois. 464 00:32:30,828 --> 00:32:33,998 - Harvey Pitnik of Skokie, Illinois. - Bernice. Bernice, come here. 465 00:32:34,082 --> 00:32:36,084 They're talking about me on the television. 466 00:32:36,167 --> 00:32:38,169 - What? - Come here. 467 00:32:38,252 --> 00:32:41,532 - Harvey Pitnik would seem to have all the ingredients... - [BERNICE, HARVEY LAUGH] 468 00:32:41,589 --> 00:32:43,925 - for a successful life. - You'd think so. 469 00:32:44,008 --> 00:32:46,636 - So why does he fail so miserably? - I don't know. 470 00:32:46,719 --> 00:32:48,972 I think the problem is with Harvey himself. 471 00:32:49,055 --> 00:32:51,224 - What the hell is this? - You're right. It is Harvey. 472 00:32:51,307 --> 00:32:53,142 Very good, Jonathan. It is Harvey. 473 00:32:53,226 --> 00:32:56,104 So, we're supposed to care about this Harvey Pitnik? 474 00:32:56,187 --> 00:33:01,943 Why? I mean, it takes him 30 years to develop any character at all... 475 00:33:02,026 --> 00:33:04,445 and by the time he does, who cares? 476 00:33:04,529 --> 00:33:07,740 - They're crucifying me. - It's hardly worth the wait. 477 00:33:07,824 --> 00:33:10,743 - He didn't like Gandhi either. - Let me show you. 478 00:33:10,827 --> 00:33:15,039 Here's a scene from last year as Harvey is coming home from work. 479 00:33:15,123 --> 00:33:18,126 [GROANS, SIGHS] 480 00:33:23,548 --> 00:33:26,467 - Oh. Hi, Scraps. - [LOW GROWL] 481 00:33:26,551 --> 00:33:28,636 - Hi, Dad. - Hi, kids. 482 00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:31,389 - [HARVEY] How did they do this? - Hi, honey. 483 00:33:31,472 --> 00:33:33,599 Hi, dear. Ooh. Potatoes. 484 00:33:33,683 --> 00:33:38,438 I didn't cons... I didn't consent for this to be on TV. 485 00:33:38,521 --> 00:33:41,649 - Dinner will be ready in five minutes. - Okay. 486 00:33:44,402 --> 00:33:46,404 [SIGHS] 487 00:33:50,074 --> 00:33:53,661 - Some exciting home life, huh? - And it goes on like that... 488 00:33:53,745 --> 00:33:57,081 tediously, day in and day out. 489 00:33:57,165 --> 00:33:59,167 - Where's the love? - Where's the passion? 490 00:33:59,250 --> 00:34:03,796 Where's the examination of one's own existence? 491 00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:06,966 This is a poor excuse for a life. 492 00:34:07,050 --> 00:34:09,844 I give Harvey Pitnik a, a big thumbs down. 493 00:34:09,927 --> 00:34:12,889 - [HARVEY] Thumbs down? - I give him a thumbs down too. 494 00:34:12,972 --> 00:34:16,434 But I didn't hate Harvey quite as much as you, Jonathan. 495 00:34:16,517 --> 00:34:21,397 Oh, granted, his life was a miserable waste of time... 496 00:34:21,481 --> 00:34:24,275 but I rather enjoyed the Kafkaesque touches. 497 00:34:24,359 --> 00:34:27,987 Here's a loser trapped in a dead-end job... 498 00:34:28,071 --> 00:34:30,531 and a. A loveless marriage. 499 00:34:30,615 --> 00:34:34,661 - How do they know that? - [MARC] Couldn't they have done anything to make this man human? 500 00:34:34,744 --> 00:34:36,764 Think of the money it took to bring him into the world. 501 00:34:36,788 --> 00:34:41,084 - A ton! - To feed him and to clothe him and then to educate him. 502 00:34:41,167 --> 00:34:43,461 And after all that, what have you got? 503 00:34:43,544 --> 00:34:46,422 - You've got a big bore! - A dull clod! 504 00:34:46,506 --> 00:34:49,509 An empty suit. And another thing... 505 00:34:49,592 --> 00:34:51,552 I was always one step ahead of this guy's life. 506 00:34:51,636 --> 00:34:54,097 - There just were no surprises! - No. Wait a minute. 507 00:34:54,180 --> 00:34:56,975 What about the ending of his life? That came as a surprise. 508 00:34:57,058 --> 00:34:59,477 - Ending? - I saw that coming a mile away! 509 00:34:59,560 --> 00:35:01,562 - I didn't. - What ending? 510 00:35:01,646 --> 00:35:04,399 - The high blood pressure. The lack of exercise. - True. Uh-huh. 511 00:35:04,482 --> 00:35:06,442 - The bad diet. - Of course. 512 00:35:06,526 --> 00:35:11,781 By the time he finally has his heart attack in front of the TV, big deal! 513 00:35:11,864 --> 00:35:14,742 - Heart attack? Heart attack? - [MARC] It's such a mundane way to go. 514 00:35:14,826 --> 00:35:17,745 What are they talking about? A heart attack? I didn't have a [GROANS] 515 00:35:17,829 --> 00:35:22,417 [MARC] Wouldn't it have been more dramatic if, say, he'd fallen down an elevator shaft? 516 00:35:22,500 --> 00:35:25,753 - He should've died years earlier. - Maybe in a submarine accident. 517 00:35:25,837 --> 00:35:29,757 - [BERNICE] Harvey? Oh, my God! - Possibly a giant squid. 518 00:35:29,841 --> 00:35:32,820 - Something to add a little science fiction to it. - I'm calling an ambulance. 519 00:35:32,844 --> 00:35:35,513 - I'm calling an ambulance! - A tragic waste, but who cares? 520 00:35:35,596 --> 00:35:38,266 Oh, I see our time is up. We want to thank you very much... 521 00:35:38,349 --> 00:35:40,393 for joining us on Critics Corner. 522 00:35:40,476 --> 00:35:43,716 Hope you'll be back next week when we'll have an aisle seat reserved just for you. 523 00:35:43,771 --> 00:35:45,773 ♪ - Bye-bye. ♪ ♪ - [ORGAN PERKY THEME] ♪ 524 00:35:45,857 --> 00:35:48,818 There's so many things he could've done. He could've had a better haircut. 525 00:35:50,570 --> 00:35:53,865 [MAN] We now return to the 1957 film... 526 00:35:53,948 --> 00:35:55,950 Amazon Women on the Moon... 527 00:35:56,034 --> 00:35:58,578 starring Bill Thomas and Buzzy Clark. 528 00:35:58,661 --> 00:36:01,414 There will be no further interruptions. 529 00:36:09,255 --> 00:36:11,257 Well, here we are on the moon. 530 00:36:14,886 --> 00:36:16,846 [BUTCH] This place gives me the willies. 531 00:36:16,929 --> 00:36:19,474 Think we'll run into any moon men? 532 00:36:19,557 --> 00:36:22,018 Not intelligent life as you and I know it, Butch. 533 00:36:22,101 --> 00:36:26,230 If there are any Martians, I'll bet they speak the universal language... 534 00:36:26,314 --> 00:36:28,274 do-re-mi! 535 00:36:28,358 --> 00:36:31,569 You remember the space oath you took at the academy, Blackie? 536 00:36:31,653 --> 00:36:35,365 I will not exploit other worlds for personal gain. 537 00:36:35,448 --> 00:36:37,450 Look at that. 538 00:36:38,493 --> 00:36:41,955 Follow me, men. Keep your eyes open. 539 00:36:42,038 --> 00:36:44,457 [MURRAY] Selma! 540 00:37:29,585 --> 00:37:34,882 - [LOONY CHATTERING] - Hey, dig that crazy full moon. 541 00:37:34,966 --> 00:37:38,553 That's a full Earth, Butch. Remember where we are. 542 00:37:38,636 --> 00:37:41,139 Zowie! 543 00:37:41,222 --> 00:37:43,641 This is only a hunch, but. 544 00:37:43,725 --> 00:37:45,935 Steve! What are you doing? You're committing suicide! 545 00:37:47,812 --> 00:37:51,065 [INHALES DEEPLY] Just as I thought. 546 00:37:51,149 --> 00:37:53,234 The moon has an atmosphere similar to Earth's. 547 00:37:53,318 --> 00:37:55,320 Take off your helmets, boys. 548 00:37:57,864 --> 00:38:00,241 - [INHALES] - [LAUGHING] 549 00:38:00,325 --> 00:38:02,285 Good old H²O. 550 00:38:02,368 --> 00:38:04,662 Steve, fill me in. How'd you figure it out? 551 00:38:04,746 --> 00:38:07,248 Seems like Loony figured it out first. 552 00:38:07,332 --> 00:38:11,419 - [CHITTERING] - [ALL CHUCKLING] 553 00:38:11,502 --> 00:38:14,672 That's my Loony, a regular Einstein. 554 00:38:14,756 --> 00:38:16,758 [ALL CHUCKLING] 555 00:38:16,841 --> 00:38:18,801 - Look! - [ROARING] 556 00:38:23,848 --> 00:38:27,727 - [YAWNS] - [ANNOUNCER] Are your parties dull and boring? 557 00:38:27,810 --> 00:38:30,563 - [SIGHS] - Well, why not liven them up... 558 00:38:30,647 --> 00:38:33,024 with the snack food that's sweeping America. 559 00:38:33,107 --> 00:38:37,236 Mmm! Say, Mike, this is some great pate. It has such a unique flavour. 560 00:38:37,320 --> 00:38:42,200 It's more than just an ordinary pate, Bill. Watch. 561 00:38:42,283 --> 00:38:45,453 - [BOING] - [PEOPLE] Whoa! 562 00:38:45,536 --> 00:38:48,831 What the. You know, I never saw an appetizer do that before. 563 00:38:48,915 --> 00:38:51,292 Well, you never tried Silly Pate before! 564 00:38:51,376 --> 00:38:55,296 Not only is it fun at parties, it's low in saturated fats. 565 00:38:55,380 --> 00:38:57,840 And look. 566 00:38:57,924 --> 00:39:01,552 - It picks up your favourite comic strip! - [GASPING] 567 00:39:01,636 --> 00:39:03,638 I'm eating Doonesbury. 568 00:39:04,722 --> 00:39:07,225 And I'm eating Beetle Bailey. 569 00:39:07,308 --> 00:39:11,062 - [ALL LAUGHING] - [ANNOUNCER] You'll never have a dull, lifeless party again... 570 00:39:11,145 --> 00:39:13,147 with Silly Pate. 571 00:39:13,231 --> 00:39:14,857 [BOING] 572 00:39:14,941 --> 00:39:18,236 Available in all fine gourmet shops and toy stores everywhere. 573 00:39:19,112 --> 00:39:21,447 ♪ - [ORGAN] ♪ ♪ - [WOMAN CRYING] ♪ 574 00:39:27,704 --> 00:39:29,706 - [SOBBING] - It's time, Mrs Pitnik. 575 00:39:32,583 --> 00:39:34,544 Do I have to? 576 00:39:34,627 --> 00:39:37,130 Yeah. We need the room again at 4.00. 577 00:39:38,423 --> 00:39:41,342 [CLEARS THROAT] Come on. 578 00:39:41,426 --> 00:39:44,637 I-Is Har-Harvey here? 579 00:39:44,721 --> 00:39:48,016 - Yeah. He's in repose. He looks great. - Oh! 580 00:39:48,099 --> 00:39:51,853 Okay, let's move along. That's right. 581 00:39:51,936 --> 00:39:55,523 Just relax, Mrs Pitnik. You're young. You'll. You'll meet someone. 582 00:39:55,606 --> 00:39:59,360 - [SOBS] - Send the kids to camp. That's what I would do. 583 00:40:00,945 --> 00:40:03,072 Okay, family up front, on the left. 584 00:40:05,408 --> 00:40:08,077 - Well, I guess that's it. - [CHATTERING] 585 00:40:17,503 --> 00:40:20,006 [CHATTERING] 586 00:40:21,341 --> 00:40:23,343 Everything's taken care of. Everything. 587 00:40:23,426 --> 00:40:25,887 And the buffet? To die. 588 00:40:25,970 --> 00:40:29,098 - Hey, Scooter. Cute stuff. - [SNIFFLING, CRYING] 589 00:40:30,767 --> 00:40:34,771 Ladies and gentlemen, this is a wake. 590 00:40:34,854 --> 00:40:38,941 ♪ - So let's have fun with it, huh? Everybody, have a great time. ♪ ♪ - [ORGAN STOPS] ♪ 591 00:40:39,025 --> 00:40:41,027 ♪ [UPTEMPO] ♪ 592 00:40:46,157 --> 00:40:48,177 [MAN ON P.A.] Welcome to the O'Leary Funeral Home... 593 00:40:48,201 --> 00:40:52,747 where many of the nation's top comedians have gathered to roast our guest of honour... 594 00:40:52,830 --> 00:40:55,458 the late Harvey Pitnik! 595 00:40:56,459 --> 00:41:00,296 Please welcome... Rip Taylor! 596 00:41:00,380 --> 00:41:03,591 ♪ - [SINGING GIBBERISH] ♪ ♪ - [APPLAUSE] ♪ 597 00:41:05,343 --> 00:41:08,346 - Slappy White! - [NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE] 598 00:41:10,848 --> 00:41:13,226 Jackie Vernon! 599 00:41:15,228 --> 00:41:18,314 - Henny Youngman! - [NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE] 600 00:41:20,024 --> 00:41:22,485 Charlie Callas! 601 00:41:26,072 --> 00:41:29,659 And our roast master. Mr Steve Allen! 602 00:41:29,742 --> 00:41:32,328 [PEOPLE GASPING] 603 00:41:32,412 --> 00:41:35,707 ♪ [CRESCENDOES, STOPS] ♪ 604 00:41:35,790 --> 00:41:38,167 And here he is, our man of the hour. 605 00:41:38,251 --> 00:41:41,296 ♪ - [DRUM ROLL] ♪ ♪ - Mr Harvey Pitnik! ♪ 606 00:41:41,379 --> 00:41:45,383 ♪ - [SOBBING] There's Harvey! ♪ ♪ - [FUNERAL MARCH] ♪ 607 00:41:48,594 --> 00:41:51,014 ♪ [JOKEY SEGUE, STOPS] ♪ 608 00:41:52,682 --> 00:41:56,185 - Thank you, ladies and mourners. - [HAMMY LAUGHTER] 609 00:41:56,269 --> 00:41:58,646 That's all right, Harvey. Don't get up. 610 00:41:58,730 --> 00:42:01,774 - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES] - [LOUD SOB] 611 00:42:01,858 --> 00:42:03,818 Anyway, be that as it may and I doubt if it was. 612 00:42:03,901 --> 00:42:08,406 Tonight we are here to pay tribute to a close, personal friend... 613 00:42:08,489 --> 00:42:12,368 Harvey Pupik. I'm sorry. Uh, Pitnik. Harvey Pitnik. 614 00:42:12,452 --> 00:42:16,456 Harvey was a man, my friends, who was the same in life... 615 00:42:16,539 --> 00:42:21,210 - as he is in death a stiff! - [MOURNERS LAUGHING] 616 00:42:21,294 --> 00:42:25,590 But all seriousness aside, we are going to lay two things to rest... 617 00:42:25,673 --> 00:42:29,927 Harvey Pitnik and the rumour that Charlie Callas is funny. 618 00:42:30,011 --> 00:42:34,307 - [LAUGHTER] - Ladies and gentlemen, a very funny man, Charlie Callas. 619 00:42:34,390 --> 00:42:37,226 ♪ - [JAZZY] ♪ ♪ - [APPLAUSE] ♪ 620 00:42:37,310 --> 00:42:39,228 Thank you. Thank you. 621 00:42:39,312 --> 00:42:42,106 ♪ - [ENDS] ♪ ♪ - Thank you. Harvey, keep it down! ♪ 622 00:42:42,190 --> 00:42:45,777 - [NONSENSE NOISES] - [LAUGHTER] 623 00:42:45,860 --> 00:42:50,448 Today, ladies and gentlemen, we're here to pay homage to the late Harvey Potemkin. 624 00:42:50,531 --> 00:42:53,493 - Peshtabil Poshbulv whatever. - [CHUCKLING] 625 00:42:53,576 --> 00:42:55,787 - Who cares? Does it matter now? - [ALLEN] No, no. 626 00:42:55,870 --> 00:43:01,167 And if Harvey were alive today, he'd be a very sick man. [GIGGLES] 627 00:43:01,250 --> 00:43:06,130 - [IMITATES TAXICAB HORN] - [LAUGHTER] 628 00:43:06,214 --> 00:43:08,675 ♪ [JAZZY] ♪ 629 00:43:08,758 --> 00:43:11,970 We had. I'm sorry to make this announcement. We had two disappointments tonight. 630 00:43:12,053 --> 00:43:16,349 Milton Berle could not make it and Rip Taylor could. [LAUGHS] 631 00:43:16,432 --> 00:43:18,559 - Ladies and gentlemen, Rip Taylor. - All right. 632 00:43:18,643 --> 00:43:20,728 ♪ - [FAST] ♪ ♪ - [APPLAUSE] ♪ 633 00:43:20,812 --> 00:43:23,564 ♪ - [APPLAUSE CONTINUES] ♪ ♪ - [ENDS] ♪ 634 00:43:23,648 --> 00:43:26,818 - Thank you so much. Thank you so much. - [APPLAUSE FADES] 635 00:43:26,901 --> 00:43:28,861 Thank you. Thank you so much, Steve. 636 00:43:28,945 --> 00:43:32,282 Charlie said, Harvey, keep it down. Thank you. 637 00:43:32,365 --> 00:43:36,077 - Oh, well, there goes that act. - [LAUGHING] 638 00:43:36,160 --> 00:43:38,871 The president couldn't be here, Harvey, so he sent a wire. 639 00:43:38,955 --> 00:43:42,000 - [CACKLES] - [LAUGHTER] 640 00:43:42,083 --> 00:43:44,627 Tell them. It's a Never mind. 641 00:43:44,711 --> 00:43:47,463 What's this, an audience or a funeral? Now, pay attention, please. 642 00:43:47,547 --> 00:43:51,426 But I'm a little nervous because Harvey was a personal friend of mine... 643 00:43:51,509 --> 00:43:55,138 and there's not a person in this room that Harvey Pitnik did not touch. 644 00:43:55,221 --> 00:43:59,726 I must say, he touched me for 40 bucks and Steve for 20. [CACKLES] 645 00:43:59,809 --> 00:44:02,812 Folks, I don't dance. This is it, you see. 646 00:44:02,895 --> 00:44:05,523 [LAUGHING] 647 00:44:05,606 --> 00:44:09,902 But I do feel for his widow, Bernice. That was a romantic marriage. 648 00:44:09,986 --> 00:44:13,823 She learned everything about sex from a manual. 649 00:44:13,906 --> 00:44:17,535 Emanuel was their gardener. [CACKLES] 650 00:44:17,619 --> 00:44:21,789 - [CROWD LAUGHING] - [LAUGHING] I'm sorry. I better wrap it up now, folks. 651 00:44:21,873 --> 00:44:25,918 'Cause you know the old axiom in show business... get off quick. 652 00:44:26,002 --> 00:44:27,962 Like Harvey on his wedding night. 653 00:44:28,046 --> 00:44:32,800 ♪ - Could you die? I gotta go. Goodbye. Thank you so much. ♪ ♪ - [FANFARE] ♪ 654 00:44:32,884 --> 00:44:35,803 Thank you, folks. I'm thrilled to be here tonight to pay tribute... 655 00:44:35,887 --> 00:44:37,805 to the late Harvey Pitnik. 656 00:44:37,889 --> 00:44:39,849 But enough about Harvey. 657 00:44:39,932 --> 00:44:43,061 [MOURNERS, PANELLISTS LAUGHING] 658 00:44:43,144 --> 00:44:45,855 - Take my wife. Please. - [CONTINUE LAUGHING] 659 00:44:48,399 --> 00:44:52,403 Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. 660 00:44:55,657 --> 00:44:59,243 Why do Jewish guys die before their wives? They want to. 661 00:44:59,327 --> 00:45:02,956 [LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE] 662 00:45:04,082 --> 00:45:06,042 And that's what I think of you, Harvey. 663 00:45:06,125 --> 00:45:11,339 ♪ - [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪ - [JAZZY FANFARE] ♪ 664 00:45:13,299 --> 00:45:16,970 - Thank you, Henny Youngman, for that trip down memory lane. And now. - [LAUGHING] 665 00:45:17,053 --> 00:45:20,348 ♪ - [RIMSHOT] ♪ ♪ - [LAUGHING] ♪ 666 00:45:20,431 --> 00:45:25,061 But seriously. Henny, you were never funnier... and it's a shame. 667 00:45:25,144 --> 00:45:29,565 ♪ - [JAZZY FANFARE] ♪ ♪ - [WHITE] But I was asked to say a couple of words about Harvey. ♪ 668 00:45:29,649 --> 00:45:33,027 How about ugly and cheap? 669 00:45:33,111 --> 00:45:36,155 Harvey wrote his will on his cock... 670 00:45:36,239 --> 00:45:39,409 and his lawyer said it would not stand up in court. 671 00:45:39,492 --> 00:45:45,039 - [LAUGHTER, POUNDING ON TABLE] - [NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE] 672 00:45:45,123 --> 00:45:48,376 - Okay, Mrs Pitnik. You're on. - What? 673 00:45:48,459 --> 00:45:50,712 - You're on. - Oh, no. Oh, no. I really can't. 674 00:45:50,795 --> 00:45:54,799 - You're the widow. You've got to give Harvey's rebuttal. - No, no, I can't go up there. 675 00:45:54,882 --> 00:45:58,428 - I can't do this. - But in conclusion, I'd like to say, congratulations, Harvey. 676 00:45:58,511 --> 00:46:04,183 Rigor mortis is the closest you ever come to a hard-on in 15 years. 677 00:46:04,267 --> 00:46:07,603 - I thank you. - [APPLAUSE, WHISTLING] 678 00:46:07,687 --> 00:46:12,108 ♪ [BAND IMITATING LAUGHTER] ♪ 679 00:46:14,152 --> 00:46:16,696 Harvey himself is gonna throw in his two cents... 680 00:46:16,779 --> 00:46:19,824 as soon as we take them off his eyelids. 681 00:46:19,907 --> 00:46:22,702 [LAUGHING] I don't get it. I don't get it. 682 00:46:22,785 --> 00:46:27,081 And now, for the rebuttal on behalf of our guest of honour, his lovely widow, Bernice. 683 00:46:27,165 --> 00:46:30,085 And nothing's changed, Harvey. She's still gonna be doing all the talking. 684 00:46:30,168 --> 00:46:32,128 [LAUGHS] Bernice Pitnik! 685 00:46:32,211 --> 00:46:36,883 ♪ - [APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪ - [JAZZ] ♪ 686 00:46:36,966 --> 00:46:39,844 ♪ [CONTINUES] ♪ 687 00:46:39,927 --> 00:46:41,929 ♪ - Lovely woman. ♪ ♪ - [ENDS] ♪ 688 00:46:44,641 --> 00:46:46,559 - [SIGHS] - [APPLAUSE FADES] 689 00:46:46,643 --> 00:46:48,770 Thank you, Merv. I mean, Steve. 690 00:46:48,853 --> 00:46:52,941 - That's quite all right. - [CLEARS THROAT, SWALLOWS] 691 00:46:53,024 --> 00:46:57,320 Now, well, I would like to inject a serious note... 692 00:46:57,403 --> 00:47:00,406 as, uh, Henny Youngman did earlier. 693 00:47:00,490 --> 00:47:05,370 [SCATTERED LAUGHTER] 694 00:47:06,829 --> 00:47:09,248 I want to say to... 695 00:47:09,332 --> 00:47:13,628 Harvey, my late husband... 696 00:47:14,712 --> 00:47:16,798 as I look down at you... 697 00:47:16,881 --> 00:47:19,801 lying there motionless... 698 00:47:19,884 --> 00:47:22,345 I can only think of one thing. 699 00:47:23,388 --> 00:47:25,682 - Our wedding night. - [LAUGHTER] 700 00:47:25,765 --> 00:47:28,559 - [SIGHS] - [LAUGHTER CONTINUES, FADES] 701 00:47:28,643 --> 00:47:31,896 [CHUCKLES] I'll never forget my. 702 00:47:31,980 --> 00:47:36,150 My last moments with... Harvey... 703 00:47:36,234 --> 00:47:39,779 - [LAUGHTER] - as I as I took him into my arms... 704 00:47:39,862 --> 00:47:44,075 and I whispered those three little words: 705 00:47:44,158 --> 00:47:46,953 ♪ - Sign the will. ♪ ♪ - [RIMSHOT] ♪ 706 00:47:47,036 --> 00:47:48,955 - [LAUGHTER] - [LAUGHS] 707 00:47:49,038 --> 00:47:51,582 - [LAUGHING] Great. - But seriously... 708 00:47:51,666 --> 00:47:53,668 I'm glad to see Slappy White here today. 709 00:47:53,751 --> 00:47:56,879 Now at least I know my hubcaps are safe. 710 00:47:56,963 --> 00:47:59,048 [LAUGHS] 711 00:48:00,508 --> 00:48:02,677 And Rip Taylor, is that a toupee... 712 00:48:02,760 --> 00:48:05,513 or did a beaver curl up and die on your head? 713 00:48:06,889 --> 00:48:09,434 ♪ - [LAUGHING] ♪ ♪ - [JAZZ] ♪ 714 00:48:09,517 --> 00:48:14,522 As I look at Henny Youngman today, I'm not so sure we're burying the right guy. 715 00:48:14,605 --> 00:48:18,026 ♪ - [LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪ - [ENDS] ♪ 716 00:48:19,360 --> 00:48:21,863 ♪ - [PIANO, SLOW] ♪ ♪ - [ANNOUNCER] At last... ♪ 717 00:48:21,946 --> 00:48:25,366 The greatest album of love songs ever recorded. 718 00:48:25,450 --> 00:48:28,453 You'll want to share them with someone special. 719 00:48:28,536 --> 00:48:33,124 ♪ Why do birds suddenly appear ♪ 720 00:48:33,207 --> 00:48:37,879 Sung by the man who turned a personal affliction into a recording career... 721 00:48:37,962 --> 00:48:40,548 Don No Soul Simmons. 722 00:48:40,632 --> 00:48:43,217 ♪ Just like me ♪ 723 00:48:43,301 --> 00:48:45,928 ♪ They long to be ♪ 724 00:48:46,012 --> 00:48:48,890 ♪ Close to you ♪ 725 00:48:50,099 --> 00:48:52,727 ♪ - Why do stars ♪ ♪ - [BAND BEGINS] ♪ 726 00:48:52,810 --> 00:48:56,064 ♪ Fall down from the sky ♪ 727 00:48:56,147 --> 00:48:58,066 ♪ Every time ♪ 728 00:48:58,858 --> 00:49:00,944 ♪ You walk by ♪ 729 00:49:02,403 --> 00:49:05,156 ♪ Just like me ♪ 730 00:49:05,239 --> 00:49:07,700 ♪ They long to be ♪ 731 00:49:07,784 --> 00:49:10,620 ♪ Close to you ♪ 732 00:49:10,703 --> 00:49:14,415 ♪ - She'd been sitting there ♪ ♪ - [ANNOUNCER] So curl up by the fireside... ♪ 733 00:49:14,499 --> 00:49:17,835 And listen to the non-threatening music of this master showman. 734 00:49:19,003 --> 00:49:22,048 ♪ [SIMMONS] ♪ ♪ And, honey, I miss you ♪ 735 00:49:24,175 --> 00:49:26,678 ♪ And I'm being good ♪ 736 00:49:29,138 --> 00:49:31,599 ♪ And I'd love to be with you ♪ 737 00:49:34,143 --> 00:49:36,688 ♪ If only I could ♪ 738 00:49:39,190 --> 00:49:41,609 ♪ Say, has anybody seen ♪ 739 00:49:41,693 --> 00:49:44,821 ♪ My sweet Gypsy Rose ♪ 740 00:49:44,904 --> 00:49:47,407 ♪ Here's her picture ♪ ♪ when she was ♪ 741 00:49:47,490 --> 00:49:50,410 ♪ - My sweet Mary Jo ♪ ♪ - [ANNOUNCER] Young lovers of any age... ♪ 742 00:49:50,493 --> 00:49:52,620 Will cherish this timeless collection... 743 00:49:52,704 --> 00:49:55,331 of the world's most romantic ballads. 744 00:49:55,415 --> 00:49:57,458 And if you act now, you'll get free... 745 00:49:57,542 --> 00:50:01,838 this bonus album. Don Simmons Down & Funky. 746 00:50:01,921 --> 00:50:06,175 ♪ [ELECTRIC KEYBOARD] ♪ 747 00:50:06,259 --> 00:50:09,887 ♪ - [BAND BEGINS] ♪ ♪ - Jeremiah was a bullfrog ♪ 748 00:50:10,888 --> 00:50:14,183 ♪ He was a good friend of mine ♪ 749 00:50:14,267 --> 00:50:17,478 ♪ I never understood ♪ ♪ a single word he said ♪ 750 00:50:17,562 --> 00:50:20,124 [ANNOUNCER] This two-record collection is not available in any stores... 751 00:50:20,148 --> 00:50:22,066 so order now. 752 00:50:22,150 --> 00:50:25,570 ♪ [SIMMONS] Yes, he always had ♪ ♪ some mighty fine wine ♪ 753 00:50:35,288 --> 00:50:39,417 By thunder! She's a lovely sight, lads! 754 00:50:39,500 --> 00:50:44,088 - [MEN CHATTER, LAUGH] - And you can bet your miserable lives... 755 00:50:44,172 --> 00:50:47,884 the cargo hold is filled with precious booty. 756 00:50:47,967 --> 00:50:50,762 - Let's take her, Captain. - Aye. Are you game, lads? 757 00:50:50,845 --> 00:50:52,263 [MEN, TOGETHER] Aye! 758 00:50:57,685 --> 00:51:01,022 Video pirates! Man the guns and prepare to defend borders. 759 00:51:01,105 --> 00:51:02,315 Fire! 760 00:51:08,529 --> 00:51:11,407 Cutlasses, me hearties! 761 00:51:13,952 --> 00:51:15,912 Give them a bellyful of steel. 762 00:51:32,053 --> 00:51:37,183 Ah. By gum, Captain! All the latest home videos. In Beta and VHS! 763 00:51:37,266 --> 00:51:41,187 Aye! Some so current, they're still in theatrical release. 764 00:51:41,270 --> 00:51:45,775 - Help yourself, mates. A chest full of video discs. - No! 765 00:51:45,858 --> 00:51:48,069 - What good are they? - Can't record on them. 766 00:51:48,152 --> 00:51:50,738 They're not compatible with my system. 767 00:51:50,822 --> 00:51:52,991 Captain! This one's locked. 768 00:51:53,074 --> 00:51:56,286 Stand back. 769 00:51:56,369 --> 00:51:59,747 - [GUNSHOT] - [MAN] Open them up. 770 00:52:02,875 --> 00:52:05,378 Gather around, me buckoes, and feast your eyes on this. 771 00:52:05,461 --> 00:52:08,464 - [MEN GASP] - Make all the illegal copies you want. 772 00:52:08,548 --> 00:52:10,425 - Put it on. - Aye, aye, Captain. 773 00:52:10,508 --> 00:52:13,303 - [CASE SNAPS OPEN] - [TAPE LOADS IN VCR] 774 00:52:14,679 --> 00:52:19,684 [SHUDDERING] Ohhh, I'm so scared. 775 00:52:19,767 --> 00:52:23,521 [ALL LAUGHING] 776 00:52:23,771 --> 00:52:26,899 [LAUGHING FADES] 777 00:52:58,306 --> 00:53:01,768 [KNOCKING] 778 00:53:01,851 --> 00:53:05,980 - I said I don't want to be disturbed. - Griffin, it's me, Trent. 779 00:53:06,064 --> 00:53:08,316 Trent, I've been waiting for you. 780 00:53:08,399 --> 00:53:10,318 Come in. 781 00:53:10,401 --> 00:53:14,072 Ah, Griffin. I came as soon as I received your cable. 782 00:53:16,824 --> 00:53:19,702 Good God, man, what happened? 783 00:53:19,786 --> 00:53:22,538 I've done it, Trent. At long last, I've done it. 784 00:53:22,622 --> 00:53:26,501 I finally duplicated my father's formula for invisibility... 785 00:53:26,584 --> 00:53:30,338 after five years of injecting myself with every chemical known to man. 786 00:53:30,421 --> 00:53:35,301 But Griffin, the invisibility formula turned your father into a raving lunatic. 787 00:53:35,385 --> 00:53:38,262 That's where I've topped the old man. 788 00:53:38,346 --> 00:53:40,848 I've been on the stuff for over a week now... 789 00:53:40,932 --> 00:53:43,476 and I'm still perfectly sane. [LAUGHS] 790 00:53:43,559 --> 00:53:45,937 Yes. I'll rule the world with my secret. 791 00:53:46,020 --> 00:53:47,939 Yes. And I'll need you, Trent. 792 00:53:48,022 --> 00:53:51,109 I must have a visible partner. [LAUGHS] 793 00:53:51,192 --> 00:53:54,779 I can tell by your stunned expression that you're pretty impressed. 794 00:53:54,862 --> 00:53:57,365 [CHUCKLES] Ah? 795 00:53:57,448 --> 00:53:59,367 [GASPS] Ooh. [CHUCKLES] 796 00:53:59,450 --> 00:54:01,995 - [FALSE NOSE HITTING DESK] - Look, Ma... 797 00:54:03,496 --> 00:54:05,873 no hands. [CHUCKLES] 798 00:54:05,957 --> 00:54:09,544 I haven't come up with a reagent to make myself visible again. 799 00:54:09,627 --> 00:54:12,046 But what's the rush? I'm having a ball. 800 00:54:12,130 --> 00:54:14,424 Watch me closely. 801 00:54:15,466 --> 00:54:17,719 Whee! 802 00:54:17,802 --> 00:54:22,265 Ever see a shirt make a phone call? [CHUCKLES] 803 00:54:23,266 --> 00:54:25,768 Ooh. Pretty scary, huh? 804 00:54:25,852 --> 00:54:28,563 Ooooh! 805 00:54:28,646 --> 00:54:30,607 Wait till you see this. 806 00:54:30,690 --> 00:54:32,734 - [CHUCKLES] - Uh, no. Griffin... 807 00:54:32,817 --> 00:54:36,529 - you don't have to go all the way. - [LAUGHING] 808 00:54:36,613 --> 00:54:40,158 Yes. [LAUGHING] 809 00:54:40,241 --> 00:54:42,660 Just listen for the sound of my voice... 810 00:54:44,037 --> 00:54:46,873 and you'll know where I am at all times. [CHUCKLES] 811 00:54:46,956 --> 00:54:49,542 - Come on. Let's have some laughs! - Griffin! 812 00:54:49,626 --> 00:54:54,631 ♪ - Being invisible is the best! [LAUGHING] ♪ ♪ - [STRIDE PIANO, DISTANT] ♪ 813 00:54:54,714 --> 00:54:57,675 ♪ [CONTINUES, LOUDER] ♪ 814 00:55:04,349 --> 00:55:07,644 Hey! Here comes the invisible man again. 815 00:55:07,727 --> 00:55:09,729 [BAR PATRONS GROANING, OBJECTING] 816 00:55:11,606 --> 00:55:15,193 You, go and get some help. I'll watch him here. 817 00:55:22,492 --> 00:55:24,994 Whee-ooh! Whee-ooh! 818 00:55:27,121 --> 00:55:31,459 Oh, my. Now how did that happen? Must be a ghost in 'ere. 819 00:55:31,542 --> 00:55:33,503 This is unreal. 820 00:55:34,587 --> 00:55:36,714 I'm terribly sorry. 821 00:55:38,508 --> 00:55:40,843 Whee-ooh! Whee-ooh! [IMITATES TYRES SKIDDING] 822 00:55:40,927 --> 00:55:42,971 Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho! 823 00:55:43,054 --> 00:55:47,016 - Wow! Whoo-hoo-hoo! - [POLICEMAN'S WHISTLE TWEETING, DISTANT] 824 00:55:47,100 --> 00:55:49,060 - [SCATTERED APPLAUSE] - [DOOR OPENS] 825 00:55:50,770 --> 00:55:54,315 - Now, now, now. What's all this? - Here he is, Officer. 826 00:55:54,399 --> 00:55:57,944 Take it easy with him. He's not really dangerous. 827 00:55:58,027 --> 00:56:00,321 Come along quietly then, guv. 828 00:56:00,405 --> 00:56:03,408 - You'll have to find me first. - [GROANS] 829 00:56:04,367 --> 00:56:06,661 Come along. 830 00:56:06,744 --> 00:56:08,788 Let's cover this one up. Come on. 831 00:56:08,871 --> 00:56:12,625 Wait. I'm invisible. Don't touch me there. 832 00:56:12,709 --> 00:56:15,670 - [GRIFFIN LAUGHING] - [WOLF WHISTLE] 833 00:56:15,753 --> 00:56:17,672 Selma! 834 00:56:28,725 --> 00:56:30,643 [MAN] We now return to our feature... 835 00:56:30,727 --> 00:56:33,646 starring Greta Van Zandt and Lyle Talbot. 836 00:56:33,730 --> 00:56:36,691 There will be no further interruptions. 837 00:56:46,284 --> 00:56:49,871 This looks like the remains of some ancient culture. 838 00:56:49,954 --> 00:56:54,208 Steve, I said some things back there that I shouldn't have. 839 00:56:54,292 --> 00:56:57,295 Anyway, thanks for saving me from that dinosaur. 840 00:56:57,378 --> 00:57:01,549 - Forget it. - Hey, would you get a load of this joint? 841 00:57:04,636 --> 00:57:06,554 This throne is still warm. 842 00:57:06,638 --> 00:57:12,143 - [THEREMIN WAILING] - [SCREECHING, CHITTERING] 843 00:57:14,020 --> 00:57:16,022 Where are you going? 844 00:57:16,105 --> 00:57:18,524 I forgot something back on the ship. 845 00:57:18,608 --> 00:57:20,777 - What? - [GARBLED] I forgot to stay there. 846 00:57:20,860 --> 00:57:23,780 [SOUNDTRACK SKIPPING, CRACKLING] 847 00:57:26,991 --> 00:57:30,954 [MAN] We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by. 848 00:57:32,622 --> 00:57:34,540 We are experiencing techn 849 00:57:40,046 --> 00:57:42,632 I demand that you set us free, Queen Lara. 850 00:57:42,715 --> 00:57:45,677 We are on an official mission from the planet Earth. 851 00:57:45,760 --> 00:57:47,679 Ha! Planet Earth. 852 00:57:47,762 --> 00:57:50,848 Is that what you call that pitiful ball hanging in the sky? 853 00:57:50,932 --> 00:57:54,185 You wouldn't say that if you saw Jane Russell or the Brooklyn Dodgers. 854 00:57:54,268 --> 00:57:56,187 Silence, swine... 855 00:57:56,271 --> 00:57:59,065 or you will suffer the same fate as your friend. 856 00:57:59,148 --> 00:58:02,902 I intend to file a protest in the death of Blackie! 857 00:58:02,986 --> 00:58:07,073 He dared to enter the sacred temple and steal the precious moonstones. 858 00:58:07,156 --> 00:58:09,951 But feeding him to giant spiders without the benefit of counsel... 859 00:58:10,034 --> 00:58:12,245 is not the way we do things in America. 860 00:58:12,328 --> 00:58:16,666 [WOMEN LAUGHING] 861 00:58:17,959 --> 00:58:20,044 Boy, I never thought I'd be so miserable... 862 00:58:20,128 --> 00:58:22,046 surrounded by beautiful dames. 863 00:58:22,130 --> 00:58:25,174 Cut the gags, Butch. We're in enough trouble. 864 00:58:25,258 --> 00:58:28,928 What's she looking at? She acts like she's never seen a man before. 865 00:58:29,012 --> 00:58:32,807 She hasn't. Have you, Alpha Beta? 866 00:58:34,350 --> 00:58:36,394 No, my queen. 867 00:58:36,477 --> 00:58:38,563 What are men good for? 868 00:58:38,646 --> 00:58:41,149 Well, I'm pretty good in the back seat of a Studebaker. 869 00:58:41,232 --> 00:58:43,318 Butch! 870 00:58:43,401 --> 00:58:47,614 - Men are useless. - Back where I come from... 871 00:58:47,697 --> 00:58:50,325 no woman is complete without a man. 872 00:58:51,701 --> 00:58:53,911 You see, Commander Nelson... 873 00:58:53,995 --> 00:58:56,247 12,000 gamma-spans ago... 874 00:58:56,331 --> 00:58:58,791 - Gamma-spans? - A moon unit of time... 875 00:58:58,875 --> 00:59:01,044 roughly equivalent to your Earth year. 876 00:59:01,127 --> 00:59:05,465 Anyway, all men were banished from the lunar surface because they couldn't... 877 00:59:06,591 --> 00:59:08,593 For 131 years... 878 00:59:08,676 --> 00:59:11,012 this great institution has amassed... 879 00:59:11,095 --> 00:59:15,683 what many consider to be the finest collection of art anywhere in the world. 880 00:59:15,767 --> 00:59:19,854 And now it can all be yours. 881 00:59:19,938 --> 00:59:23,483 We've lost our lease! 882 00:59:23,566 --> 00:59:25,777 That's right. Everything must go. 883 00:59:25,860 --> 00:59:30,031 From the old masters of Europe to the conceptual artists of today's SoHo. 884 00:59:30,114 --> 00:59:32,575 We're talking Rembrandts, Botticellis... 885 00:59:32,659 --> 00:59:35,370 Gauguin, Cezanne, Matisse, Renoir... 886 00:59:35,453 --> 00:59:38,498 and the chairman of the board... 887 00:59:38,581 --> 00:59:41,000 Leonardo da Vinci. 888 00:59:41,084 --> 00:59:43,211 This Egyptian sarcophagus... 889 00:59:43,294 --> 00:59:47,840 from the dynasty of Ramses II, appraised at $ 14 million. 890 00:59:47,924 --> 00:59:50,677 Our price? 19.95. 891 00:59:50,760 --> 00:59:53,680 Buy now, and we'll toss in, free of charge... 892 00:59:53,763 --> 00:59:57,058 the original Declaration of Independence. 893 00:59:57,141 --> 01:00:00,270 Now you might expect to pay millions for this document... 894 01:00:00,353 --> 01:00:02,313 that shaped a great nation. 895 01:00:02,397 --> 01:00:07,777 But it's yours free. This fine parchment will enhance any den or playroom. 896 01:00:07,860 --> 01:00:10,780 And you can have some fun with your friends... 897 01:00:10,863 --> 01:00:14,909 by adding your own name along with the original signers. 898 01:00:14,993 --> 01:00:18,037 Remember, the Cosmopolitan Museum of Art. 899 01:00:18,121 --> 01:00:21,791 Every Van Gogh must go. 900 01:00:23,459 --> 01:00:25,378 Hello, I'm Henry Silva. 901 01:00:25,461 --> 01:00:29,382 Ever since the ocean liner Titanic sunk on her maiden voyage in 1912... 902 01:00:29,465 --> 01:00:32,260 people have asked, How did it happen? 903 01:00:32,343 --> 01:00:35,555 - [MAN IMITATING SHIP WHISTLE] - Join me... 904 01:00:35,638 --> 01:00:37,616 ♪ - as we dramatically recreate... ♪ ♪ - [MAN] Nearer ♪ 905 01:00:37,640 --> 01:00:42,729 ♪ - the sinking of the great ocean liner Titanic. ♪ ♪ - My God, to thee ♪ 906 01:00:44,147 --> 01:00:46,065 Bullshit or not? 907 01:00:46,149 --> 01:00:49,277 You be the judge, here on this station. 908 01:00:49,569 --> 01:00:52,739 [ANNOUNCER] From the pen of America's wealthiest author... 909 01:00:52,822 --> 01:00:55,325 - Irving Sidney, the man who gave us... - [RAPPING] 910 01:00:55,408 --> 01:00:58,178 - the best sellers, Irving Sidney's The Naked Virgin... - [Rapping Continues] 911 01:00:58,202 --> 01:01:00,830 and Irving Sidney's The Power and the Flesh... 912 01:01:00,913 --> 01:01:04,208 comes Irving Sidney's sizzling new blockbuster... 913 01:01:04,292 --> 01:01:08,004 Hey, baby. [LAUGHS] 914 01:01:08,087 --> 01:01:09,964 Long time no see, huh? 915 01:01:10,048 --> 01:01:12,925 - There must be some mistake. - Come on. Who are ya kidding? 916 01:01:13,009 --> 01:01:15,178 It's me. It's Bert. 917 01:01:15,261 --> 01:01:17,263 Look, I'm in town with the textile convention... 918 01:01:17,347 --> 01:01:22,560 and I thought maybe we could, uh, you know, party! [LAUGHING] 919 01:01:22,644 --> 01:01:24,562 - I don't do that any more. - Oh. 920 01:01:24,646 --> 01:01:28,441 - You better get out of here before you wake the president. - [SNORING] 921 01:01:28,524 --> 01:01:32,111 [ANNOUNCER] When President Harrison Chandler was married in the White House... 922 01:01:32,195 --> 01:01:34,405 it was the social event of the decade. 923 01:01:34,489 --> 01:01:37,200 The courageous president... 924 01:01:37,283 --> 01:01:39,577 and his beautiful new bride. 925 01:01:39,661 --> 01:01:42,497 But she possessed a secret that could shatter her dreams... 926 01:01:42,580 --> 01:01:45,458 and topple a government. 927 01:01:45,541 --> 01:01:48,836 I'll meet you in the Lincoln Room in five minutes. 928 01:01:50,630 --> 01:01:52,632 [ANNOUNCER] She was forced to live a lie... 929 01:01:52,715 --> 01:01:55,635 when her sins came back to haunt her. 930 01:01:55,718 --> 01:01:59,514 She was first lady of the evening. 931 01:01:59,597 --> 01:02:03,268 Irving Sidney's 1st Lady of the Evening. 932 01:02:03,351 --> 01:02:08,356 A Magnet paperback in easy-to-read type with no big words. 933 01:02:12,610 --> 01:02:17,115 ♪ [SIMMONS ON RADIO] ♪ ♪ Birds suddenly appear ♪ 934 01:02:17,198 --> 01:02:19,701 ♪ - Every time ♪ ♪ - [SIGHS] ♪ 935 01:02:19,784 --> 01:02:23,037 Look, Violet, what do you say we go park out by the lake? 936 01:02:23,121 --> 01:02:25,039 My glands are out of control. 937 01:02:26,165 --> 01:02:30,003 Well, okay, Georgie, but are you prepared? 938 01:02:30,086 --> 01:02:32,839 I've been preparing myself for 17 years. 939 01:02:32,922 --> 01:02:35,550 That's not what I meant. 940 01:02:35,633 --> 01:02:38,553 ♪ - Fall down from the sky ♪ ♪ - Pull over to that drug store. ♪ 941 01:02:42,640 --> 01:02:44,934 - [ENGINE STOPS] - [EMERGENCY BRAKE SETS] 942 01:02:45,018 --> 01:02:49,856 ♪ On the day that you were born ♪ ♪ the angels got together ♪ 943 01:02:49,939 --> 01:02:55,445 ♪ - And decided to create a dream come true ♪ ♪ - Georgie. ♪ 944 01:02:55,528 --> 01:02:58,448 ♪ So they sprinkled ♪ ♪ moon dust in your hair ♪ 945 01:02:58,531 --> 01:03:02,076 ♪ - And golden starlight ♪ ♪ - Make sure you ask for Titans. ♪ 946 01:03:02,160 --> 01:03:04,829 Those are the best. 947 01:03:04,912 --> 01:03:09,459 ♪ - [NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE] ♪ ♪ - That is why all the boys ♪ 948 01:03:09,542 --> 01:03:11,502 [BELL DINGS] 949 01:03:12,837 --> 01:03:15,298 Hello, George. How are ya? 950 01:03:15,381 --> 01:03:18,134 Uh, hi, Mr Gower. I-I didn't think you worked nights. 951 01:03:18,217 --> 01:03:21,429 My night man took sick. What can I do for you? 952 01:03:21,512 --> 01:03:24,182 We're having a sale on shaving cre... 953 01:03:24,265 --> 01:03:28,519 - What am I saying? You're not old enough to shave yet. - I've been shaving since March. 954 01:03:28,603 --> 01:03:32,065 - See? - Hey, I'd better call your mom right now and thank her... 955 01:03:32,148 --> 01:03:34,359 for the preserves she brought over to our house... 956 01:03:34,442 --> 01:03:36,361 Not now! I mean... 957 01:03:36,444 --> 01:03:38,446 I-I mean, don't bother. 958 01:03:38,529 --> 01:03:41,199 - I'll give her the message for you. - [HANGS UP PHONE] 959 01:03:41,282 --> 01:03:45,453 - I'll bet I know what you want. - You do? 960 01:03:45,536 --> 01:03:50,500 Sure. I was young once. Liquorice sticks. 961 01:03:50,583 --> 01:03:52,627 They came in fresh this morning. 962 01:03:52,710 --> 01:03:55,880 - [BELL DINGS] - Mr Gower, I'm 17 years old. 963 01:03:55,964 --> 01:03:58,675 - [BELL DINGS] - Already? Seems like only yesterday... 964 01:03:58,758 --> 01:04:01,302 your mom was in here buying talc... 965 01:04:01,386 --> 01:04:03,680 to powder your little bottom. 966 01:04:03,763 --> 01:04:06,182 - [CHUCKLES] - Heh. Uh... 967 01:04:06,265 --> 01:04:08,309 look... 968 01:04:11,020 --> 01:04:13,940 Never mind. Thanks. 969 01:04:16,150 --> 01:04:20,113 ♪ - [BELL DINGS] ♪ ♪ - Follow you ♪ 970 01:04:20,196 --> 01:04:23,032 ♪ - [BELL DINGS] ♪ ♪ - All around ♪ 971 01:04:24,075 --> 01:04:26,202 ♪ - Just like me ♪ ♪ - [SIGHS] ♪ 972 01:04:26,286 --> 01:04:28,830 ♪ - [BELL DINGS] ♪ ♪ - They long to be ♪ 973 01:04:30,498 --> 01:04:32,709 Almost forgot what I came in for. 974 01:04:32,792 --> 01:04:36,212 Tube of toothpaste and a box of... [MUMBLES] 975 01:04:36,296 --> 01:04:38,506 Toothpaste and what? 976 01:04:38,589 --> 01:04:40,508 A box of... [QUIETLY] Titans. 977 01:04:40,591 --> 01:04:42,552 You have to speak up, George. 978 01:04:42,635 --> 01:04:45,263 Titans! I want a box of Titan condoms! 979 01:04:45,346 --> 01:04:47,974 - [GASPS] - George! 980 01:04:50,435 --> 01:04:55,148 - And to think you were an altar boy. - [SIGHS] 981 01:05:02,780 --> 01:05:06,117 - [KEYS JANGLING] - [DOOR UNLOCKING] 982 01:05:10,121 --> 01:05:12,040 You did say Titans? 983 01:05:12,123 --> 01:05:15,126 [SIGHS] Oh, only about four times. 984 01:05:15,209 --> 01:05:17,128 - [Slaps Bill On Counter] - Thanks, Mr Gower. 985 01:05:17,211 --> 01:05:21,257 ♪ [ALARM RINGING] [MARCHING BAND] ♪ ♪ Stars And Stripes Forever ♪ 986 01:05:21,341 --> 01:05:24,719 ♪ - [CONTINUES] ♪ ♪ - [LAUGHING] ♪ 987 01:05:24,802 --> 01:05:28,890 [CROWD CHEERING, CHATTERING] 988 01:05:31,517 --> 01:05:34,896 [GOWER LAUGHING] 989 01:05:37,482 --> 01:05:39,400 - What's going' on? - George? 990 01:05:39,484 --> 01:05:41,736 Rupert King, president of Titan Condoms. 991 01:05:41,819 --> 01:05:47,033 Congratulations, young man. You are our one-billionth customer. Pictures. 992 01:05:47,116 --> 01:05:48,993 [CROWD WHISTLING, CHEERING] 993 01:05:49,077 --> 01:05:51,496 - Thanks, but I really gotta go. - Not so fast, kid. 994 01:05:51,579 --> 01:05:54,141 - We've been planning this for months. - It's really not necessary. 995 01:05:54,165 --> 01:05:58,044 Tell me, George, how long have you been using our fine Titan products? 996 01:05:58,127 --> 01:06:00,838 - Uh, you could say I never use anything else. - Great quote. 997 01:06:00,922 --> 01:06:04,384 - Are you getting all of this? - You're not gonna use my name, are you? 998 01:06:04,467 --> 01:06:07,971 Modesty, I like it. You could give Titans that wholesome image we're looking for. 999 01:06:08,054 --> 01:06:10,056 Do you know what you're doing to me? 1000 01:06:10,139 --> 01:06:12,350 The entire town's gonna know about this. 1001 01:06:12,433 --> 01:06:17,188 You'll be a household name, George, just like Bip, our Titan mascot! 1002 01:06:17,272 --> 01:06:19,983 - Pictures. Pictures. - Hi, folks. Hi, George. Hi, everybody. 1003 01:06:20,066 --> 01:06:22,527 [MAN] Hey, George, will you autograph a box for me? 1004 01:06:22,610 --> 01:06:25,905 - [CROWD, BIP LAUGHING] - Get used to that, George. 1005 01:06:25,989 --> 01:06:28,783 - [NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE] - More good news, George. 1006 01:06:28,866 --> 01:06:34,163 Even as we speak, your parents are racing here to join you in your moment of Titan triumph. 1007 01:06:34,247 --> 01:06:37,500 My parents? Are you nuts? I'm not even supposed to have the car. 1008 01:06:37,583 --> 01:06:40,295 Make sure you airbrush out the kid's acne, okay? George... 1009 01:06:40,378 --> 01:06:45,883 as a token of our thanks, we'd like you to have this lifetime supply of Titans! 1010 01:06:45,967 --> 01:06:48,886 - Thank you, Connie. - All I wanted was one. 1011 01:06:48,970 --> 01:06:51,264 [CROWD, BIP LAUGHING] 1012 01:06:51,347 --> 01:06:53,308 - Violet! - George, I can tell... 1013 01:06:53,391 --> 01:06:55,977 you're as excited as we are, as you begin this... 1014 01:06:56,060 --> 01:06:59,188 - your year-long reign as our Titan king! - [BIP] Yippee! 1015 01:06:59,272 --> 01:07:02,775 [CROWD CHEERING, APPLAUDING] 1016 01:07:02,859 --> 01:07:05,236 [CHEERING, APPLAUSE CONTINUE] 1017 01:07:17,248 --> 01:07:22,337 [MAN] And now the exciting conclusion of the 1955 feature... 1018 01:07:22,420 --> 01:07:26,299 Amazon Women of the Moon. 1019 01:07:26,382 --> 01:07:29,469 There will be no further commercial interruptions. 1020 01:07:29,552 --> 01:07:31,554 Bullshit or not? 1021 01:07:31,638 --> 01:07:33,514 Hey, cut the mush, you two. 1022 01:07:33,598 --> 01:07:36,601 - This place is about to blow sky high. - Yes, look! 1023 01:07:36,684 --> 01:07:39,812 Moogla, the mountain demon, is angry. 1024 01:07:39,896 --> 01:07:42,690 - Yeah, and that ain't just heartburn. - We haven't got much time. 1025 01:07:42,774 --> 01:07:45,193 - Let's go! - [RUMBLING IN DISTANCE] 1026 01:07:45,276 --> 01:07:47,654 Come on, Loony. 1027 01:07:47,737 --> 01:07:49,739 [RUMBLING CONTINUES] 1028 01:07:57,789 --> 01:08:00,541 - There's the rocket. Hurry! - Come on, Alpha Beta. 1029 01:08:00,625 --> 01:08:03,920 When we get back to Earth, I'm gonna show you Ebbets Field. 1030 01:08:24,774 --> 01:08:29,445 Oh, Steve, save yourself. [PANTING] 1031 01:08:29,529 --> 01:08:32,532 I wouldn't be able to enjoy Earth without you. 1032 01:08:35,952 --> 01:08:38,454 [EXPLOSION] 1033 01:08:52,635 --> 01:08:55,013 [NELSON] Fasten seat belts. 1034 01:08:55,096 --> 01:09:00,602 I think we got about 12 seconds before everything blows. Fire retros. 1035 01:09:00,685 --> 01:09:02,937 [CAR ENGINE CRANKING] 1036 01:09:03,021 --> 01:09:06,190 - She won't turn over! - [CAR ENGINE CRANKING] 1037 01:09:07,692 --> 01:09:12,488 [ENGINE CRANKS, REVS AND RUNS] 1038 01:09:13,990 --> 01:09:16,200 LISTEN TO THAT SWEET MUSIC. 1039 01:09:42,852 --> 01:09:45,480 [SCREECHING, CHITTERING] 1040 01:09:58,826 --> 01:10:00,912 [DEBRIS HITTING FLOOR] 1041 01:10:02,664 --> 01:10:06,584 There goes the only home I've ever known. 1042 01:10:06,668 --> 01:10:10,964 You got a new home now, Lara, [QUIETLY] with me on Earth. 1043 01:10:17,053 --> 01:10:21,057 - What are they doing, Butch? - Well, it's called smooching', babe. 1044 01:10:25,103 --> 01:10:27,814 Come here. I'll give ya your first lesson. 1045 01:10:32,610 --> 01:10:35,321 [HOOTING] 1046 01:10:35,405 --> 01:10:38,157 [PRESIDENT] Earth to Moon Rocket One. 1047 01:10:39,158 --> 01:10:41,494 Earth to Moon Rocket One. 1048 01:10:41,577 --> 01:10:43,663 This is the president. 1049 01:10:43,746 --> 01:10:46,791 Steve, I hope you have things well in hand. 1050 01:10:48,209 --> 01:10:50,211 I'll say. 1051 01:10:58,261 --> 01:11:01,389 [HORNS HONKING] 1052 01:11:01,472 --> 01:11:04,309 [TV WHOOPING, GUNFIRE] 1053 01:11:04,392 --> 01:11:06,394 Psst. 1054 01:11:08,313 --> 01:11:09,689 Psst. 1055 01:11:11,858 --> 01:11:13,776 Yeah, you. Come here. 1056 01:11:19,324 --> 01:11:21,659 - Yeah? - Saturday night. 1057 01:11:24,954 --> 01:11:27,582 - Yeah? - Ain't got a date. 1058 01:11:30,084 --> 01:11:33,421 - What's your name, kid? - Ray. 1059 01:11:33,504 --> 01:11:35,840 Ray? 1060 01:12:07,538 --> 01:12:09,457 ♪ [TV SOFT ROCK] ♪ 1061 01:12:09,540 --> 01:12:12,502 ♪ [CONTINUES] ♪ 1062 01:12:12,585 --> 01:12:15,546 [GIGGLES] Mmm. 1063 01:12:15,630 --> 01:12:17,924 You must be Ray. 1064 01:12:20,134 --> 01:12:22,053 I'm Sherrie. 1065 01:12:23,262 --> 01:12:25,181 [GIGGLES] 1066 01:12:25,265 --> 01:12:27,350 I heard you were good-looking... 1067 01:12:28,851 --> 01:12:31,854 but I had no idea. 1068 01:12:31,938 --> 01:12:33,940 Come on in. 1069 01:12:41,072 --> 01:12:42,991 As you can see, I made dinner. 1070 01:12:43,074 --> 01:12:48,997 Mmm, but I'm not hungry just yet... for food. 1071 01:12:49,080 --> 01:12:51,165 Do you know what I mean? 1072 01:13:07,473 --> 01:13:10,143 Help me with my zipper, Ray? 1073 01:13:12,437 --> 01:13:17,525 - [ZIPPER UNZIPPING] - [MOANS] That's so much better. 1074 01:13:17,609 --> 01:13:20,945 - [DRESS HITTING FLOOR] - God, you're such a hunk, Ray. 1075 01:13:23,448 --> 01:13:27,035 I want you. And I want you now. 1076 01:13:27,118 --> 01:13:29,078 Get over here, Ray. 1077 01:13:31,581 --> 01:13:33,499 I'm waiting, Ray. 1078 01:13:33,583 --> 01:13:36,294 Take me. 1079 01:13:36,377 --> 01:13:40,214 I want you to make wild, violent love to me. 1080 01:13:42,425 --> 01:13:44,719 Oh, yes, Ray. 1081 01:13:44,802 --> 01:13:48,306 [INHALES, MOANS] Yes. 1082 01:13:48,389 --> 01:13:52,310 Oh, you're so good, Ray. [MOANS] 1083 01:13:52,393 --> 01:13:55,188 Yes. [MOANING, SQUEALING] Ray! 1084 01:13:55,271 --> 01:13:58,524 [MOANING, SIGHING] 1085 01:13:58,608 --> 01:14:01,903 You're the best, Ray. Yeah, yeah. 1086 01:14:01,986 --> 01:14:05,323 [MOANING] Ray, give it to me! 1087 01:14:05,406 --> 01:14:08,618 Mmm, that's good, Ray. 1088 01:14:08,701 --> 01:14:12,747 Yeah! [PANTING, SCREAMING] 1089 01:14:12,830 --> 01:14:17,585 You're the... best, Ray! Yeah! [MOANS] 1090 01:14:17,669 --> 01:14:19,170 ♪ - [DOOR SLAMS] ♪ ♪ - [ENDS] ♪ 1091 01:14:19,253 --> 01:14:22,715 - [MAN] You dirty slut! - Frankie, what are you doing' here? 1092 01:14:22,799 --> 01:14:26,260 - I thought you were outta town! - That's what I wanted you to think! 1093 01:14:26,344 --> 01:14:31,766 - And I expected a little more from you, Ray. - [QUIETLY] What, of me? 1094 01:14:31,849 --> 01:14:35,979 - You think I care about a loser like Ray? - Loser? 1095 01:14:36,062 --> 01:14:38,982 - I did it to hurt you. - You did it to hurt me? 1096 01:14:39,065 --> 01:14:41,234 Well, your cheating' days are over, street meat! 1097 01:14:41,317 --> 01:14:45,280 - Frankie, what are you doing' with that gun? - I'm gonna teach you... 1098 01:14:45,363 --> 01:14:47,949 and this little know-nothing wimp a lesson! 1099 01:14:48,032 --> 01:14:50,952 - That's what I'm doing' with the gun. - No, Frankie! 1100 01:14:51,035 --> 01:14:53,788 I love you! I've always loved you. 1101 01:14:53,871 --> 01:14:57,208 - You think I enjoyed going to bed with a worm like Ray? - Shut up! 1102 01:14:57,292 --> 01:14:59,919 - Worm? - You're history, Sherrie. 1103 01:15:00,003 --> 01:15:04,215 - [SCREAMS] No! - [GUNSHOTS] 1104 01:15:06,801 --> 01:15:08,720 Satisfied, Ray? Hmm? 1105 01:15:08,803 --> 01:15:11,055 Happy now, buddy? 1106 01:15:11,139 --> 01:15:15,476 Well, you're gonna have to live with that guilt for the rest of your life. 1107 01:15:15,560 --> 01:15:17,687 And you know what else, Ray? 1108 01:15:18,771 --> 01:15:20,940 You're gonna have to live with this too. 1109 01:15:21,024 --> 01:15:23,192 - [GUNSHOT] - Freeze! 1110 01:15:26,404 --> 01:15:28,716 - You have the right to remain silent. - [HANDCUFFS RATCHETING] 1111 01:15:28,740 --> 01:15:30,700 If you give up the right to remain silent... 1112 01:15:30,783 --> 01:15:33,661 anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. 1113 01:15:33,745 --> 01:15:37,585 You have the right to speak with an attorney and have an attorney present at time of questioning. 1114 01:15:37,707 --> 01:15:41,127 ♪ - [LATIN, ELECTRIC KEYBOARDS] ♪ ♪ - I was at a dance ♪ 1115 01:15:42,211 --> 01:15:44,130 ♪ When she caught my eye ♪ 1116 01:15:45,214 --> 01:15:47,133 ♪ Standing all alone ♪ 1117 01:15:48,217 --> 01:15:51,179 ♪ Looking sad and shy ♪ 1118 01:15:51,262 --> 01:15:53,222 ♪ We began to dance ♪ 1119 01:15:54,349 --> 01:15:57,977 ♪ Swaying' to and fro ♪ ♪ whoa, whoa ♪ 1120 01:15:58,061 --> 01:16:02,231 ♪ And soon I knew ♪ ♪ I'd never let her go ♪ 1121 01:16:03,274 --> 01:16:06,361 ♪ Blame it on the boss a nova ♪ 1122 01:16:06,444 --> 01:16:08,363 ♪ With its magic spell ♪ 1123 01:16:09,447 --> 01:16:12,033 ♪ Blame it on the boss a nova ♪ 1124 01:16:12,116 --> 01:16:14,035 ♪ That she did so well ♪ 1125 01:16:15,411 --> 01:16:18,665 ♪ Oh, it all began ♪ ♪ with just one little dance ♪ 1126 01:16:18,748 --> 01:16:21,376 ♪ But soon it ended up ♪ ♪ a big romance ♪ 1127 01:16:21,459 --> 01:16:24,712 ♪ Blame it on the boss a nova ♪ 1128 01:16:24,796 --> 01:16:27,340 ♪ The dance of love ♪ 1129 01:16:27,423 --> 01:16:30,343 ♪ Blame it on the boss a nova ♪ 1130 01:16:30,426 --> 01:16:32,345 ♪ With its magic spell ♪ 1131 01:16:33,429 --> 01:16:35,974 ♪ Blame it on the boss a nova ♪ 1132 01:16:36,057 --> 01:16:37,976 ♪ That she did so well ♪ 1133 01:16:39,352 --> 01:16:42,605 ♪ Oh, it all began ♪ ♪ with just one little dance ♪ 1134 01:16:42,689 --> 01:16:45,233 ♪ But soon it ended up ♪ ♪ a big romance ♪ 1135 01:16:45,316 --> 01:16:48,653 ♪ Blame it on the boss a nova ♪ 1136 01:16:48,736 --> 01:16:52,740 ♪ - The dance of love ♪ ♪ - [PAUSES] ♪ 1137 01:16:52,824 --> 01:16:55,827 ♪ [RESUMES] ♪ 1138 01:17:02,375 --> 01:17:04,377 Is there anybody out there? 1139 01:17:07,505 --> 01:17:09,674 Would you please do me a favour? 1140 01:17:09,757 --> 01:17:14,596 Call Crazy Leo's and tell him the TV set he sold me has a problem. 1141 01:17:14,679 --> 01:17:17,432 I'm still under warranty. 1142 01:17:17,515 --> 01:17:20,685 Hello? Hello? 1143 01:17:22,145 --> 01:17:26,065 [CRYING] 1144 01:17:26,149 --> 01:17:28,067 Help me. I'll never see Selma. 1145 01:17:28,151 --> 01:17:31,487 I'll never get back. I'll never get back. 1146 01:17:31,571 --> 01:17:35,450 I'm finished. I'm finished. I'll never get back. 1147 01:17:35,533 --> 01:17:37,493 ♪ - I'm going out of my mind. ♪ ♪ - [ENDS] ♪ 1148 01:18:02,894 --> 01:18:05,688 Mary Brown? 1149 01:18:05,772 --> 01:18:10,735 - Yes. - Sit down, Mary Brown. 1150 01:18:15,740 --> 01:18:17,742 Thank you, Doctor. 1151 01:18:18,868 --> 01:18:22,872 Mary, I've been going over your tests. 1152 01:18:22,956 --> 01:18:26,084 How did a nice girl like you... 1153 01:18:26,167 --> 01:18:30,213 come to contract a social disease? 1154 01:18:30,296 --> 01:18:33,049 Then my worst fears are confirmed. 1155 01:18:33,132 --> 01:18:35,635 Oh, the shame of it! 1156 01:18:35,718 --> 01:18:40,473 - [SOBBING] - Now, now. You are unclean... 1157 01:18:41,849 --> 01:18:45,353 but there's always hope. 1158 01:18:47,230 --> 01:18:49,941 Tell me how you went astray. 1159 01:18:50,024 --> 01:18:53,653 - Tell me everything. - [WHEELS SQUEAKING, ROLLING] 1160 01:18:54,737 --> 01:18:57,490 I won a... beauty contest... 1161 01:18:57,573 --> 01:18:59,492 here in Iowa. 1162 01:18:59,575 --> 01:19:03,579 I thought I'd try my luck... in New York. 1163 01:19:06,624 --> 01:19:08,710 It wasn't like Iowa at all. 1164 01:19:08,793 --> 01:19:12,672 And then I met a theatrical agent. 1165 01:19:12,755 --> 01:19:16,259 Gosh, that sure is different than the sarsaparilla we have back home. 1166 01:19:16,342 --> 01:19:18,845 Well, we like a little more sass in our parilla. 1167 01:19:18,928 --> 01:19:23,391 Now, Mary I didn't get you up here to dish out a lot o' hooey. 1168 01:19:23,474 --> 01:19:26,227 Oh, that's all right. I already had lunch. 1169 01:19:26,311 --> 01:19:29,564 You see, there's a social side to this business we call show. 1170 01:19:29,647 --> 01:19:33,276 - Now, uh, let me see your gams. - What? 1171 01:19:36,738 --> 01:19:39,782 I was humiliated, though oddly excited. 1172 01:19:41,075 --> 01:19:43,286 Well, he told me he could spot fresh talent... 1173 01:19:43,369 --> 01:19:47,141 ♪ - and sent me to see a colleague of his named Dutch Monahan. ♪ ♪ - [HONKY-TONK PIANO PLAYING] ♪ 1174 01:19:47,165 --> 01:19:50,168 It turned out to be a wild party. 1175 01:19:52,837 --> 01:19:56,257 Here. Dunk your whiskers in this, sister. 1176 01:19:56,341 --> 01:19:59,594 You guys sure like your sarsaparilla in this town. 1177 01:19:59,677 --> 01:20:01,596 Get her. 1178 01:20:01,679 --> 01:20:05,016 Shut your trap, or I'll bite your ears off. 1179 01:20:05,099 --> 01:20:08,353 Keep your hands off me, ya big palooka. 1180 01:20:08,436 --> 01:20:11,522 That was my first exposure to New York intellectuals. 1181 01:20:12,899 --> 01:20:16,778 Gee whiz. My first sophisticated, New York party. 1182 01:20:16,861 --> 01:20:19,364 Which one is Cole Porter? 1183 01:20:21,532 --> 01:20:25,954 When you realized that your body had been rendered impure... 1184 01:20:26,037 --> 01:20:28,790 what did you do? 1185 01:20:28,873 --> 01:20:31,960 I made another foolish blunder. 1186 01:20:32,043 --> 01:20:34,963 I married my high school sweetheart, Ken. 1187 01:20:35,046 --> 01:20:37,840 My shameful affliction was exposed at last... 1188 01:20:37,924 --> 01:20:41,261 when Ken began showing symptoms of the disease. 1189 01:20:41,344 --> 01:20:43,972 Goodbye, honey. I'm going to work. 1190 01:20:44,055 --> 01:20:46,474 - Goodbye. - [SIGHS] 1191 01:20:46,557 --> 01:20:48,768 Ow! 1192 01:20:48,851 --> 01:20:52,772 - Ken, what's wrong? - My eyes. 1193 01:20:52,855 --> 01:20:55,775 Had my sinful ways caught up with me? 1194 01:20:55,858 --> 01:20:58,736 Had I inflicted Ken with my secret shame? 1195 01:21:00,989 --> 01:21:03,950 Ken's vision began to affect his work. 1196 01:21:04,033 --> 01:21:09,497 - [MAN SCREAMING] - Mike! Sorry! 1197 01:21:11,165 --> 01:21:14,043 Ah, today's reckless youth... 1198 01:21:14,127 --> 01:21:18,506 with your fast roadsters and your rumble seats. 1199 01:21:18,589 --> 01:21:23,303 I want to show you something, Mary Brown, for your own good. 1200 01:21:23,386 --> 01:21:27,390 Take a look at the germs that have ravaged your system. 1201 01:21:31,728 --> 01:21:35,064 - [SQUEAKING, CHATTERING] - [GASPS] 1202 01:21:35,148 --> 01:21:38,026 Come now with me to the clinic. 1203 01:21:38,109 --> 01:21:41,696 [CREAKING, RUMBLING] 1204 01:21:41,779 --> 01:21:47,035 - [BAT SQUEAKING] - [MOANING, CHATTERING, MUFFLED] 1205 01:21:47,118 --> 01:21:51,247 What you are going to see here is not pleasant. 1206 01:21:51,331 --> 01:21:55,376 I didn't realize we had such specialized clinics here in Iowa. 1207 01:21:55,460 --> 01:22:00,048 When science is on the march, nothing can stand in its way. 1208 01:22:00,131 --> 01:22:05,219 [MOANING, CHATTERING CONTINUE] 1209 01:22:05,303 --> 01:22:07,513 Who is that pitiful creature? 1210 01:22:07,597 --> 01:22:11,017 - [LAUGHING] - [DOCTOR] Let's call him... 1211 01:22:11,100 --> 01:22:13,019 Pete Jones. 1212 01:22:13,102 --> 01:22:17,106 Pete's first troubles were with smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. 1213 01:22:17,190 --> 01:22:19,525 - Weren't they, Pete? - [GROWLING] 1214 01:22:19,609 --> 01:22:22,737 Get back! We don't have any cigarettes! 1215 01:22:22,820 --> 01:22:24,739 Sad, isn't it? 1216 01:22:24,822 --> 01:22:28,076 - I've seen enough, Doctor! - I know you have. 1217 01:22:28,159 --> 01:22:30,078 But have you? 1218 01:22:30,161 --> 01:22:32,872 Resist temptation, or you may end up... 1219 01:22:32,956 --> 01:22:36,542 like Pete... and Mary... 1220 01:22:36,626 --> 01:22:39,587 - and Ken. - [HORN BLARING] 1221 01:22:39,671 --> 01:22:42,173 - [YELLING] - [TYRES SQUEALING] 1222 01:22:52,183 --> 01:22:58,147 ♪ Fast, Dance Band ♪ ♪ With Noisemakers ♪ 1223 01:24:18,436 --> 01:24:20,438 ♪ [ENDS] ♪ 99663

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