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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,126 --> 00:00:03,420 -Here you guys go. Some cookies. -Wow. 2 00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:04,505 Okay, great. 3 00:00:04,588 --> 00:00:06,381 Um, as you guys know, I'm moving in with Caroline, 4 00:00:06,465 --> 00:00:09,134 and I'm glad we can talk about this like adults. 5 00:00:09,218 --> 00:00:10,928 Caroline is, uh, quite the baker. 6 00:00:11,970 --> 00:00:13,013 Anything else, anyone? 7 00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:16,433 You're making a huge, life-ruining mistake by moving in 8 00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:19,228 with a woman who turned you into an agoraphobic, 9 00:00:19,311 --> 00:00:21,480 turtle-faced, borderline alcoholic. 10 00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:22,564 (CLICKS TONGUE) 11 00:00:22,648 --> 00:00:26,026 I'm gonna start over, 'cause this did not go the way I had planned. 12 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,695 As you guys know, I'm leaving, 13 00:00:28,779 --> 00:00:30,322 so there are some things we need to work out. 14 00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:31,782 Yeah, like, what am I going to do with all that 15 00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:34,243 extra money I have now that I don't have to cover for you anymore? 16 00:00:34,326 --> 00:00:35,327 Okay. 17 00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:37,162 -Maybe I'll buy a city. -Oh, and you can open a mall 18 00:00:37,246 --> 00:00:38,789 and call it Winston's Corners. 19 00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:41,625 What are you guys doing? You're just sitting here and letting this happen? 20 00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:42,751 What else are we going to do? 21 00:00:42,835 --> 00:00:44,127 -The guy obviously knows what he wants. -I do. 22 00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:46,505 When Nick leaves, I'm going to call a plumber and just 23 00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:48,465 throw cash at him while he works. 24 00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:50,175 Fitties and hunnits, hunnits, hunnits. 25 00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:52,427 WINSTON: Look, while you're at it, can you please call an exterminator 26 00:00:52,511 --> 00:00:53,929 so we can get rid of that crime against nature? 27 00:00:54,012 --> 00:00:55,556 JESS: Yeah, he's not fooling anyone. 28 00:00:55,639 --> 00:00:58,642 You think, just 'cause he's a snappy dresser, the mice don't see the hammer? 29 00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:00,561 Mice come from all over the building 30 00:01:00,644 --> 00:01:02,271 to laugh at that dummy witch. 31 00:01:02,354 --> 00:01:03,814 Is this a freaking carob chip? 32 00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:06,650 What, are you trying to buy our love with hippie chocolate? 33 00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:07,860 You idiot. 34 00:01:08,944 --> 00:01:10,445 Aren't you going to miss this, Nick? 35 00:01:10,654 --> 00:01:11,905 Who's that girl? 36 00:01:11,989 --> 00:01:13,282 Who's that girl? 37 00:01:13,365 --> 00:01:14,491 Who's that girl? 38 00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:15,576 Who's that girl? 39 00:01:15,659 --> 00:01:16,660 It's Jess! 40 00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:18,328 (SIGHS) 41 00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:20,122 Winston, can you take me to the doctor tomorrow? 42 00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:22,082 -He's taking the bandages off. -Wow. 43 00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:23,792 The old Washington monument. 44 00:01:23,876 --> 00:01:25,919 Ready to serve this great nation once again. 45 00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:27,504 -Can you stop? -What? 46 00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:29,381 It's time to make this horse into a unicorn. 47 00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:31,008 Can we save this talk until after we're done 48 00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:32,885 interviewing Neil here to take Nick's room? 49 00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:34,887 Hey, don't worry about me. 50 00:01:34,970 --> 00:01:37,014 I could talk about my dingus all night long. 51 00:01:37,139 --> 00:01:39,516 Neil, tell us about yourself, you know, uh, 52 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:40,976 anything we should know, aside from the fact 53 00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:43,687 that you responded to our craigslist ad with a fax? 54 00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:45,856 Well, um, yeah, my name is Neil. 55 00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:49,484 Um, just coming out of a pretty hairy divorce. 56 00:01:49,568 --> 00:01:51,153 I am in human resources. 57 00:01:51,236 --> 00:01:54,031 Well, I used to be. I had the unique, uh, experience 58 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,200 of having to let myself go. 59 00:01:56,658 --> 00:01:59,536 -I did not take it well. -Let me ask you a question. 60 00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:01,663 I would love for you to save your questions till the end. 61 00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:03,290 Are you going to be a wuss about things 62 00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:05,834 -like crabs and bedbugs? -Like, crabs from Maine? 63 00:02:05,918 --> 00:02:07,503 I hope you like feminist rants, 64 00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:08,837 'cause that's kind of my thing. 65 00:02:08,921 --> 00:02:10,631 Neil, she's just saying this to scare you. 66 00:02:10,756 --> 00:02:12,466 -(HISSING) -What are you... 67 00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:14,134 -What are you doing? -Shut up. 68 00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:15,969 (HISSES) I'm a cutter. 69 00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:17,804 Neil, uh, I want you to give us a minute, okay? 70 00:02:17,888 --> 00:02:19,389 I got to go talk to my roommates 71 00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:20,724 -in the bathroom. Guys? -Okay. Oh, yeah. 72 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,309 You're acting insane. 73 00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:24,811 I'm acting insane? That guy's insane. 74 00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:27,439 Look, Jess, when you moved in, we all had to roll with it. 75 00:02:27,523 --> 00:02:28,524 -To be fair... -(GASPS) 76 00:02:28,607 --> 00:02:30,275 ...you do some pretty weird stuff. 77 00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:31,610 You know, I still can't get used to the way 78 00:02:31,693 --> 00:02:33,570 you let us know when you're using the toilet. 79 00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:35,113 (DINGING) 80 00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:36,823 (SIGHS) 81 00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:38,700 I'm good with Neil. 82 00:02:38,784 --> 00:02:41,203 -I am, too. -What are you guys doing? 83 00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:43,497 Nick's leaving. 84 00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:44,748 You're his friends. 85 00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:46,959 Aren't you going to fight for him to stay? 86 00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:48,335 You're in. 87 00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:50,170 Ah, yes! Okay. 88 00:02:50,254 --> 00:02:51,505 And get ready for songs, 89 00:02:51,588 --> 00:02:54,007 'cause I am kind of a troubadour. 90 00:02:54,091 --> 00:02:56,844 This is happening, Nick. This is happening. 91 00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:59,346 Whoa, whoa! Why you taking back your lamp? 92 00:02:59,429 --> 00:03:00,764 I think you just answered that 93 00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:01,932 when you called it "my lamp." 94 00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:04,017 No, man. Squatters' rights. 95 00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:05,686 What's wrong? You still afraid of the dark? 96 00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:06,895 (CHUCKLES) What? No. Dude. 97 00:03:06,979 --> 00:03:08,188 'Cause, if you are, 98 00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:09,773 I'll leave this behind. 99 00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:11,984 Nick, first of all, I'm not afraid of the dark. 100 00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:13,360 But if I were afraid of the dark, 101 00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:15,112 that would be a totally rational, 102 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,822 adaptive evolutionary response. 103 00:03:16,905 --> 00:03:18,657 -(GHOULISH) Good night, Winston. -That's ridiculous. 104 00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:19,741 I'm not afraid of the dark. 105 00:03:19,825 --> 00:03:21,034 Good night, sweetheart. 106 00:03:21,827 --> 00:03:24,496 (GHOULISH) Unless the monsters get you. 107 00:03:24,997 --> 00:03:26,498 (PANTING) 108 00:03:26,790 --> 00:03:28,292 -(ROARS) -(SCREAMS) 109 00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,043 (MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS) 110 00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:31,461 Hey. 111 00:03:31,795 --> 00:03:33,463 You came. 112 00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:34,923 (CHUCKLES) 113 00:03:35,591 --> 00:03:36,758 Whoa. 114 00:03:36,842 --> 00:03:37,843 What you got in there? 115 00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:38,969 It's a hard cast. 116 00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:40,888 Yeah, things didn't go 117 00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:42,890 quite like we had hoped at the doctor. 118 00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:45,100 Yeah, so I told the guy I had never been snowmobiling 119 00:03:45,184 --> 00:03:46,435 in my life, you know, and... 120 00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:48,562 Oh, god! (GROANS) 121 00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:49,938 That's not my penis. 122 00:03:50,189 --> 00:03:51,565 But look, on the bright side, 123 00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:54,151 it is impossible for me to get aroused in this thing. 124 00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,569 Here, watch. Say something hot to me. 125 00:03:58,113 --> 00:04:01,033 Fresh-pressed linens. 126 00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:04,870 Nope, nothing. 127 00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:06,246 Not an inch. 128 00:04:06,330 --> 00:04:08,081 -Like a swaddled baby. -MAN: Hey, Cece. 129 00:04:08,457 --> 00:04:09,833 -They're ready for us. -Oh, okay. 130 00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:11,835 Just hang out, okay? Have fun. 131 00:04:16,798 --> 00:04:18,509 PHOTOGRAPHER: That's right. Ride that missile. 132 00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:19,593 Grip it. Yeah. 133 00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:21,845 You've got a whole tank full of jet fuel. 134 00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:23,222 You're heading straight for the sun. 135 00:04:23,305 --> 00:04:24,848 What the hell-war is this? 136 00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:26,725 -All right, turn around and face him. -SCHMIDT: Am... Am I... 137 00:04:26,808 --> 00:04:28,560 Am I supposed to want to buy a missile? 138 00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:30,062 I don't understand. 139 00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:31,772 Just pounding the drum of war. 140 00:04:31,897 --> 00:04:34,483 What... What, did no one listen to Eisenhower? 141 00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:37,486 All right, so that's everything. 142 00:04:37,569 --> 00:04:39,446 I took my fair share of rubber bands, 143 00:04:39,530 --> 00:04:41,198 so I don't want to hear about it. 144 00:04:41,323 --> 00:04:43,450 In my room, you will find a shoe box. 145 00:04:44,368 --> 00:04:46,912 In that box, there is a guinea pig 146 00:04:46,995 --> 00:04:48,914 that I said I would bury, so please deal with it. 147 00:04:48,997 --> 00:04:50,040 There's a corpse in your room? 148 00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:51,583 All right, guys, well, thanks for helping me move. 149 00:04:51,667 --> 00:04:52,835 What are we standing in a circle for, huh? 150 00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:54,127 Like a bunch of weirdos? Let's go. 151 00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:55,212 Hey, Nick? 152 00:04:55,546 --> 00:04:56,547 Yeah. 153 00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:57,923 Why are you rushing this? 154 00:04:58,340 --> 00:04:59,550 You have so much time. 155 00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:00,843 Why not just... 156 00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:03,178 Take a second and think about this? 157 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,471 I feel confident. 158 00:05:04,555 --> 00:05:06,181 I couldn't be more confident, Jess. 159 00:05:06,265 --> 00:05:07,307 Are you? 160 00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:09,393 Yeah. 161 00:05:09,685 --> 00:05:11,311 -Are you? -Yes. 162 00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:12,479 Are you really? 163 00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:14,439 Thanks for helping me move. 164 00:05:24,575 --> 00:05:25,701 (SIGHS) 165 00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:29,580 I love the way he smelled. 166 00:05:31,123 --> 00:05:33,709 Caroline and I are starting a whole new life together. 167 00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,210 Right now, we're trying to decide 168 00:05:35,294 --> 00:05:38,380 between eggshell and soft mint for the walls. 169 00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:41,633 My gut says that eggshell is trying too hard, 170 00:05:41,717 --> 00:05:44,636 but soft mint is really tricky to match. 171 00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:46,722 Have I told you guys about the bay windows I'm going to have? 172 00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:47,890 -Yes, you have. -Yeah, you just did. 173 00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:50,184 They are stunning, right? 174 00:05:50,267 --> 00:05:52,978 I'm going to curl up in those like a damn cat. 175 00:05:54,104 --> 00:05:56,356 NICK: That's the place. SCHMIDT: That's the place right there? 176 00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:57,816 NICK: Right there, yeah. 177 00:05:58,233 --> 00:05:59,359 Aren't you going to stop? 178 00:05:59,443 --> 00:06:00,903 Yeah, seems like I should. 179 00:06:01,236 --> 00:06:02,487 Um, hey... Hey, Nick. 180 00:06:02,571 --> 00:06:03,906 -Yeah. -What are you doing? 181 00:06:03,989 --> 00:06:07,367 -I'm freaking out! Yeah! (LAUGHS) -SCHMIDT: What are you... 182 00:06:07,451 --> 00:06:08,785 Oh, no. 183 00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:10,495 Oh, Nick Miller's freaking out again! 184 00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:11,788 Whoop-de-whoo. 185 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,290 (LAUGHING) What's new? 186 00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:23,091 Come on! 187 00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:25,010 What the hell? You think he's okay, man? 188 00:06:25,093 --> 00:06:26,803 Oh, no, no, no, he's totally fine. 189 00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:29,306 We do this every day. We just never invite you, Winston. 190 00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:32,351 What have I done? 191 00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:33,560 Hey, Nick, I'm pretty sure 192 00:06:33,644 --> 00:06:36,563 you overshot the apartment by like 140 miles! 193 00:06:36,647 --> 00:06:37,898 WINSTON: Let's just hop back in the truck, 194 00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:39,650 turn around and go home. 195 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,109 Yeah, yeah, you're right. 196 00:06:41,527 --> 00:06:42,861 -WINSTON: Okay? -Okay. 197 00:06:42,945 --> 00:06:45,364 -This is crazy that I drove out here. -WINSTON: Yeah, it is. 198 00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:46,990 Give me the keys. I'll drive you back to Caroline. 199 00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:49,326 Caroline... No! 200 00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:50,994 (KEY THUDDING) 201 00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:52,829 Well, that was unexpected. 202 00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:56,917 I like to move in, move in I like to move in, move in 203 00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,419 I like to move in 204 00:06:59,545 --> 00:07:02,089 I like it quiet, quiet. 205 00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:07,344 Okay, I rode up in the elevator with that guy, 206 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,346 and something growled in that box. 207 00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:11,473 I hope he has a pet. That would cheer me up. 208 00:07:11,557 --> 00:07:12,683 Um, is Schmidt here? 209 00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:15,978 No, he's helping Nick move, but, uh, Neil is. 210 00:07:16,061 --> 00:07:17,813 Do you want to do a sex-only thing with him? 211 00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:22,109 He came by my shoot earlier and was so jealous. 212 00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:24,528 He was freaking out the entire time. 213 00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:26,071 -(CELL PHONE RINGING) -Oh. 214 00:07:26,405 --> 00:07:27,948 It's him, so... 215 00:07:28,866 --> 00:07:31,285 Hi, Schmidt. How's it going? 216 00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:32,536 How's the new apartment? 217 00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:34,246 Does it smell like, uh, new paint and compromise? 218 00:07:34,329 --> 00:07:35,330 (CHUCKLING) 219 00:07:35,414 --> 00:07:36,415 What? 220 00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:37,749 Where? 221 00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:39,376 There's not much sunlight left. 222 00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:40,669 What are you afraid of, the dark? (CHUCKLING) 223 00:07:40,752 --> 00:07:42,129 (CHUCKLING) No, I'm not afraid of the dark. 224 00:07:42,212 --> 00:07:43,505 Worried about Schmidt. He's a Jew in the desert. 225 00:07:43,589 --> 00:07:45,507 -I don't want him to wander. -(RINGTONE PLAYING) 226 00:07:46,258 --> 00:07:47,718 That's Caroline. Now, what do I tell her? 227 00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:49,803 Tell her there's freaking fire ants everywhere. 228 00:07:50,429 --> 00:07:52,347 Give me a sec. Hey. 229 00:07:52,431 --> 00:07:53,724 Nick, where are you? 230 00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:55,058 In the desert. 231 00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:57,269 -The what? -Yeah, I kind of... 232 00:07:58,353 --> 00:07:59,563 I kind of freaked out. 233 00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:02,816 (SIGHS) Look, I know it's a lot. 234 00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,987 Just get back here as soon as you can, and we'll... 235 00:08:07,070 --> 00:08:08,238 We'll figure it out. 236 00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:10,032 (CHUCKLING) Really? 237 00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:11,867 I love you. 238 00:08:12,576 --> 00:08:14,036 I love you, too. (CHUCKLING) 239 00:08:16,121 --> 00:08:17,372 (CELL PHONE BEEPS) 240 00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:19,499 (LAUGHS) 241 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,960 I think I overreacted by throwing my keys earlier. 242 00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:23,504 -Oh, yeah? -(CHUCKLES) Yeah. I don't know why 243 00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:25,631 I ever doubted Caroline. She's the best. 244 00:08:25,714 --> 00:08:26,798 So, why the hell would you 245 00:08:26,882 --> 00:08:28,884 -throw your damn keys away? -I deserve this. 246 00:08:28,967 --> 00:08:31,136 -I'm going to kill you! (YELLS) -Hey, Winston, no. (GRUNTS) 247 00:08:31,220 --> 00:08:33,222 WINSTON: The sun is going down! SCHMIDT: All right, all right. 248 00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:35,682 -Calm down. Nick! -I'll kill you! I'll kill you! 249 00:08:35,766 --> 00:08:37,309 -(GRUNTING) -Enough! 250 00:08:37,768 --> 00:08:39,728 Would you stop it? There's violence everywhere! 251 00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:41,104 Why are we fighting? Why are we fighting? 252 00:08:43,899 --> 00:08:45,317 Oh, good. 253 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:46,652 Oh, thank God. 254 00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:48,612 WINSTON: Hey, Jess! What took you so long? 255 00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,113 Let me tell you something, you never want 256 00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:51,365 to lose a race against the night. 257 00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:52,991 Nice new place, Nick. 258 00:08:53,075 --> 00:08:54,952 -It's very spacious. -NICK: Yes, I'm an idiot, Jess. 259 00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,453 -JESS: Really nice. -Hey. 260 00:08:56,537 --> 00:08:57,579 That's for you. 261 00:08:58,539 --> 00:08:59,748 What happened at the shoot? 262 00:08:59,831 --> 00:09:02,167 You... You kind of left before I had a chance to say goodbye. 263 00:09:02,251 --> 00:09:03,585 Good stuff, sure. 264 00:09:03,669 --> 00:09:05,170 It was hard to tell where you stopped 265 00:09:05,254 --> 00:09:07,756 and Goggles McHardbody began. 266 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,299 That's my job. 267 00:09:09,675 --> 00:09:11,885 Gino is just some guy that I see around the office, 268 00:09:11,969 --> 00:09:14,179 except for, in my office, they rub us down 269 00:09:14,263 --> 00:09:16,181 -with baby oil before we start. -Yeah, I get that. 270 00:09:16,265 --> 00:09:18,517 Look, your business is selling sex. 271 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,435 Sure, you're a sex worker. 272 00:09:20,519 --> 00:09:21,812 You're an idiot. 273 00:09:22,938 --> 00:09:24,314 If we leave right now, 274 00:09:24,398 --> 00:09:25,858 I can get back to Caroline by 8:00. 275 00:09:26,358 --> 00:09:27,359 Caroline? 276 00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:29,736 Yeah, I changed my mind. Gonna move in. 277 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,488 Yeah, and I actually don't even care about this truck. 278 00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:32,698 I'll come back and get it tomorrow. 279 00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:33,907 I say we just leave now, 280 00:09:33,991 --> 00:09:35,367 -get out of the desert. -Sounds good. 281 00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:36,451 Here's my question. 282 00:09:36,535 --> 00:09:38,662 -What's that? -How are you going to get there? 283 00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:40,080 Uh, I think you're going to drive me. 284 00:09:40,163 --> 00:09:41,874 -Oh, I don't think so. -Wait. What? 285 00:09:41,957 --> 00:09:43,208 -Then why'd you come out to the desert? -WINSTON: What? 286 00:09:43,292 --> 00:09:44,835 -What? What are you doing? -NICK: Jess. 287 00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:45,919 -(JESS GRUNTS) -Jess! 288 00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:48,005 No! Come on! 289 00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:49,798 People, just please listen to me. 290 00:09:49,882 --> 00:09:52,384 Stop throwing your damn keys! 291 00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:54,052 The werewolves come out at night, man. 292 00:09:54,136 --> 00:09:55,888 I don't want nobody to eat me! 293 00:09:55,971 --> 00:09:58,348 -I got big thighs. I got a fat ass. -Relax. 294 00:09:58,432 --> 00:10:00,225 We are in the middle of the desert, and nobody 295 00:10:00,309 --> 00:10:01,685 is going to find our bodies! 296 00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:02,769 -Come here. -What? 297 00:10:02,853 --> 00:10:03,854 -You're having a nervous breakdown. -(SOBBING) 298 00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:04,980 You're having a nervous breakdown. 299 00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:09,443 NICK: The tow truck can't come until tomorrow. 300 00:10:09,526 --> 00:10:11,028 Aren't you glad I stole all this beer? 301 00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,238 Hello. Look what I found. 302 00:10:13,322 --> 00:10:14,364 NICK: Don't. Put that away. 303 00:10:14,448 --> 00:10:15,449 No, I have to hear it. 304 00:10:15,532 --> 00:10:17,451 I'm begging you to put that away. It's humiliating. 305 00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:18,744 -(LAUGHS) -I made that when I was 14. 306 00:10:18,827 --> 00:10:20,871 -Nick, I have to hear this. -SCHMIDT: Turn it up. 307 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:21,997 NICK ON TAPE: This next song goes out to... 308 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,081 No, please. 309 00:10:23,165 --> 00:10:24,917 ...a very special girl, Gwen Bressler. 310 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,169 I know you like breakfast, but how do you feel about 311 00:10:27,252 --> 00:10:29,171 -Breakfast at Tiffany's? -Breakfast at Tiffany's. 312 00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:31,173 (CHUCKLING) Oh, that is a terrible song. 313 00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:33,008 -This is a great song. -(SONG BEGINS) 314 00:10:33,091 --> 00:10:34,760 You guys are crazy. Listen to the lyrics. 315 00:10:34,843 --> 00:10:37,304 Oh, man. I feel it in my body. 316 00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:39,056 Oh... 317 00:10:39,932 --> 00:10:42,100 Are you kidding me? This is in my bones. 318 00:10:42,184 --> 00:10:45,062 I said, "What about Breakfast at Tiffany's"? 319 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:47,981 -WINSTON: No! -Something, something 320 00:10:48,065 --> 00:10:50,192 Da da-da da-ta 321 00:10:51,735 --> 00:10:52,736 (CHUCKLING) 322 00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:55,948 NICK ON TAPE: Gwen, you don't even know my name, do you? 323 00:10:56,031 --> 00:10:57,241 How Bizarre. 324 00:10:57,366 --> 00:11:00,702 Oh, yes, this is where Nick got cool again. (GRUNTING) 325 00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:02,538 CECE: Oh, not you, too. 326 00:11:02,663 --> 00:11:03,914 (LAUGHTER) 327 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,207 (CELL PHONE CHIMES) 328 00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:09,378 NICK: God, I'm like, I'm back. 329 00:11:09,670 --> 00:11:11,004 Thank you for doing this, actually. 330 00:11:11,088 --> 00:11:12,506 Make fun of me all you want. 331 00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:14,049 I'm back! I'm back! 332 00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:15,384 Thank you for doing this. 333 00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:16,969 (LAUGHTER) 334 00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:20,556 In the hot, hot sun 335 00:11:20,639 --> 00:11:23,725 Suddenly, red-blue lights flash us from behind 336 00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:25,477 Loud voice booming... 337 00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:27,437 (MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING) 338 00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:29,690 I'm gonna miss this, you guys. 339 00:11:30,274 --> 00:11:32,484 Just all of us, together, 340 00:11:32,943 --> 00:11:34,236 making fun of Nick. 341 00:11:36,071 --> 00:11:37,239 (CHUCKLES) Okay. 342 00:11:41,076 --> 00:11:42,327 All right, I did it. 343 00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:43,996 I'm an idiot. 344 00:11:44,079 --> 00:11:46,498 I see what you guys are doing. I get it. 345 00:11:46,582 --> 00:11:48,542 You're trying to force me to remember how great it is 346 00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,836 when we're all hanging out so I don't want to leave. 347 00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:52,129 -We're just having fun. -I get it. 348 00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:53,964 You guys think I'm dumb and I make bad decisions, 349 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,340 -but this isn't that. -No. 350 00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:56,550 WINSTON: What? NICK: Come on. 351 00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:58,135 JESS: You're being crazy. Where are you going? 352 00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,386 -To get my keys. -WINSTON: Dude, where you going? 353 00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:00,888 JESS: You're never gonna find your keys. 354 00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:04,391 (SIGHS) 355 00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:05,934 What's wrong with you? 356 00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:08,353 You're stress-eating meat. 357 00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:09,938 Hey, Jess. 358 00:12:10,314 --> 00:12:11,607 How many have you had? 359 00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:13,984 -Like, three. -That's a lot of pig parts. 360 00:12:14,151 --> 00:12:15,360 It's just Cece. 361 00:12:15,777 --> 00:12:17,654 JESS: I thought it was going so well between you guys. 362 00:12:17,738 --> 00:12:18,906 Yeah. 363 00:12:18,989 --> 00:12:20,782 You know, she's a good egg. 364 00:12:22,534 --> 00:12:24,536 She's never gonna be happy with somebody like me, Jess. 365 00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:26,288 What? That's crazy. 366 00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:27,831 That's why I'm gonna have to white fang her. 367 00:12:27,956 --> 00:12:29,416 Schmidt, come on! 368 00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:31,502 Look, I try not to judge what you guys do, 369 00:12:31,585 --> 00:12:33,420 but please don't tell me things like that. 370 00:12:33,504 --> 00:12:35,422 No, no, Jess, Jess. 371 00:12:35,631 --> 00:12:37,633 The book White Fang. 372 00:12:37,758 --> 00:12:38,926 -Oh. -This guy 373 00:12:39,218 --> 00:12:41,470 befriends a wild creature. 374 00:12:41,553 --> 00:12:43,347 But he must... He must set the animal free 375 00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:44,806 because that's what's best for it. 376 00:12:44,890 --> 00:12:46,016 I know the plot of White Fang. 377 00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:47,267 But the animal won't go. 378 00:12:47,351 --> 00:12:48,435 So with a breaking heart, 379 00:12:48,519 --> 00:12:50,687 he throws stones at it until it runs away. 380 00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:53,190 You... You want Cece to go away? 381 00:12:53,649 --> 00:12:54,650 No. 382 00:12:56,193 --> 00:12:57,819 I want her to be happy. 383 00:12:58,862 --> 00:13:01,073 'Cause when... When you care about somebody, 384 00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:03,116 you do what's... what's best for them. 385 00:13:03,575 --> 00:13:05,827 Even if it sucks for you. 386 00:13:08,830 --> 00:13:10,582 Even if they're just a woof. 387 00:13:10,666 --> 00:13:11,834 A wolf? 388 00:13:11,917 --> 00:13:13,168 -A woof. -A wolf. 389 00:13:13,252 --> 00:13:14,419 Yeah, that's what I said, a woof. 390 00:13:14,545 --> 00:13:15,838 (LAUGHS) A wolf. 391 00:13:15,921 --> 00:13:17,047 A woof. 392 00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:18,423 Come on, keys. 393 00:13:18,507 --> 00:13:19,550 JESS: Hey, Nick? 394 00:13:19,633 --> 00:13:20,717 Come on, they could be anywhere. 395 00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:21,802 Let's come back in the morning. 396 00:13:21,885 --> 00:13:23,846 I don't want to come back in the morning, Jess. 397 00:13:23,929 --> 00:13:27,307 Okay, I want to be in my new bed, in my new apartment, 398 00:13:27,391 --> 00:13:29,059 with my new old girlfriend. 399 00:13:29,393 --> 00:13:31,436 Okay, just, look, I know I've been... 400 00:13:31,562 --> 00:13:32,604 What? 401 00:13:34,231 --> 00:13:35,232 (MUFFLED) Oh, my God. 402 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:36,441 (NICK SHUSHING) 403 00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:38,569 (COYOTE GROWLING) 404 00:13:42,531 --> 00:13:43,615 Oh, my God. 405 00:13:44,575 --> 00:13:46,201 Okay, just be cool. What do we do? What do we do? 406 00:13:46,285 --> 00:13:47,452 I don't know, I don't know what to do! 407 00:13:47,536 --> 00:13:49,913 -Okay, but, Jess, we have to do something! -Shh. 408 00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:51,874 (GROWLING) 409 00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:53,625 Meep-meep! 410 00:13:53,709 --> 00:13:55,252 -What are you doing? -Like the Road Runner. 411 00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:56,378 I know it's like the Road Runner. 412 00:13:56,461 --> 00:13:57,546 Why would you do the Road Runner? 413 00:13:57,629 --> 00:13:59,089 -Because he's... -Don't do that, Jess. 414 00:13:59,173 --> 00:14:00,257 Meep-meep! 415 00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,843 Jess, honestly, don't do the Road Runner to a coyote! 416 00:14:02,926 --> 00:14:04,428 That's how you deal with coyotes. 417 00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:05,512 Coyotes hate roadrunners! 418 00:14:05,596 --> 00:14:06,597 That's how you deal with them. 419 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,056 Coyotes want to kill roadrunners! 420 00:14:08,140 --> 00:14:09,266 (GROWLING) 421 00:14:10,684 --> 00:14:11,935 -Meep-meep! -Oh, you... 422 00:14:12,394 --> 00:14:13,770 (GROWLING) 423 00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:15,814 (WHISPERING) No disrespect. 424 00:14:16,607 --> 00:14:19,776 It's watching us. It's watching us. 425 00:14:26,241 --> 00:14:27,409 We need to talk. 426 00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:28,493 CECE: All right. 427 00:14:28,577 --> 00:14:29,995 This is not another one of those 428 00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:31,830 "Merlot is the whore of the vineyard" talks, is it? 429 00:14:31,914 --> 00:14:33,332 This isn't working out. 430 00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:37,711 Are you kidding right now? 431 00:14:38,003 --> 00:14:39,796 Are you trying to end this with me? 432 00:14:51,975 --> 00:14:53,227 Now go on! 433 00:14:54,811 --> 00:14:56,813 You heard me! Go on! 434 00:14:56,897 --> 00:14:58,106 Go on, scram! 435 00:14:58,607 --> 00:15:00,442 Go! I hate you! Go! 436 00:15:01,235 --> 00:15:02,569 (YELLING) 437 00:15:05,364 --> 00:15:06,615 Go back to your kind! 438 00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:07,991 Are you white-fanging me? 439 00:15:08,283 --> 00:15:09,284 Sorry, what? 440 00:15:09,368 --> 00:15:11,870 White Fang, Schmidt. 441 00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:14,039 The only book on your Kindle. 442 00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:15,707 The one that you wouldn't stop talking about. 443 00:15:15,791 --> 00:15:18,335 Remember, I said, "Please, stop talking about White Fang." 444 00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:21,839 And you said, "Someday, I'm gonna do this to somebody." 445 00:15:22,339 --> 00:15:23,841 That White Fang. Uh-huh. 446 00:15:24,842 --> 00:15:26,677 Why are you trying to push me away? 447 00:15:29,555 --> 00:15:31,056 I saw your phone, Cece. 448 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,976 I saw the text message from Gino. 449 00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:35,519 Your colleague. 450 00:15:35,644 --> 00:15:36,895 You went through my phone? 451 00:15:36,979 --> 00:15:38,146 What? No. 452 00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:40,649 Winston... Winston went through your phone. 453 00:15:40,732 --> 00:15:43,068 That is not okay. 454 00:15:44,069 --> 00:15:47,364 This is about trust, Schmidt, okay? 455 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,950 It's about trust. And I told you how this was gonna be, 456 00:15:50,033 --> 00:15:51,785 and I asked you to get okay with it. 457 00:15:51,869 --> 00:15:53,620 How am I supposed to trust you, Cece? 458 00:15:53,704 --> 00:15:56,999 You slept with me. I mean, that doesn't say much about your taste in men. 459 00:16:08,510 --> 00:16:10,596 And I have more than one book on my Kindle. 460 00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:12,723 And a subscription to Cricket. 461 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,184 And a lot of pdfs! 462 00:16:15,809 --> 00:16:17,019 (GRUNTS) 463 00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:18,562 Doesn't he have somewhere to be? 464 00:16:19,229 --> 00:16:20,647 Well, this is a disaster. 465 00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:22,858 Why did you keep driving? 466 00:16:22,941 --> 00:16:24,610 I don't want to talk to you about this, Jess. 467 00:16:24,693 --> 00:16:26,320 I know what you're gonna say, and I don't want to hear it. 468 00:16:26,403 --> 00:16:27,446 No. 469 00:16:28,113 --> 00:16:30,199 No, you don't know what I'm gonna say. 470 00:16:32,242 --> 00:16:33,994 I want you to be happy. 471 00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:37,456 And if that means moving in with Caroline, 472 00:16:37,873 --> 00:16:39,583 then I think you should do it. 473 00:16:42,711 --> 00:16:44,004 That's what you think? 474 00:16:45,756 --> 00:16:46,924 I think you need me too much. 475 00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:49,009 No, I'm gonna be fine. I am. 476 00:16:49,092 --> 00:16:50,260 -I don't think so. -You know why? 477 00:16:50,344 --> 00:16:51,428 Why? 478 00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:55,015 'Cause I met you. 479 00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:00,229 That's why I'm okay. 480 00:17:04,107 --> 00:17:06,693 That's why I can do this. 481 00:17:07,319 --> 00:17:08,362 What are you doing? 482 00:17:08,654 --> 00:17:12,950 To beat the coyote, you have to be the coyote. 483 00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:14,117 That's what I thought you were gonna say. 484 00:17:14,201 --> 00:17:15,369 That's a very dumb idea. Don't do this. 485 00:17:15,452 --> 00:17:16,537 I'm not with her on this. 486 00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:18,121 This is her move, not mine, sir. 487 00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:19,373 (GROWLS) 488 00:17:19,665 --> 00:17:20,707 (ULULATING) 489 00:17:20,791 --> 00:17:21,792 No. 490 00:17:21,959 --> 00:17:23,293 (JESS ULULATING IN DISTANCE) 491 00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,045 (ULULATING CONTINUES) 492 00:17:26,421 --> 00:17:27,756 (HOWLING) 493 00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:29,049 (WHIMPERING) 494 00:17:29,675 --> 00:17:31,260 -(CHUCKLING) Oh, my God. -(SQUEALING) I did it! 495 00:17:31,343 --> 00:17:32,469 Oh, my God. 496 00:17:32,553 --> 00:17:34,680 I did it! I have so much dirt in my mouth, and I did it! 497 00:17:34,763 --> 00:17:36,306 -Come here, come here. -I did it! 498 00:17:36,390 --> 00:17:38,350 -Nice job! -I did it! 499 00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:40,352 (BOTH ULULATING) 500 00:17:42,980 --> 00:17:44,565 (SOFTLY) Oh, my God. Schmidt? 501 00:17:44,690 --> 00:17:45,691 Hello? 502 00:17:45,983 --> 00:17:47,109 -JESS: Winston? -(SCREAMING) 503 00:17:47,192 --> 00:17:48,360 Oh, my goodness! 504 00:17:48,443 --> 00:17:49,444 Oh, my goodness! 505 00:17:49,528 --> 00:17:51,154 -Oh, my goodness! -He'll be fine. 506 00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:53,240 (BIRDS CHIRPING) 507 00:17:54,825 --> 00:17:56,118 I don't know. 508 00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:57,828 You guys want some candy or something? 509 00:17:57,911 --> 00:17:58,996 Found it in the truck. 510 00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:00,080 No. 511 00:18:00,163 --> 00:18:01,456 I don't want your dirty lolly. 512 00:18:01,540 --> 00:18:02,541 WINSTON: Guys! 513 00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:04,168 NICK: Ah! SCHMIDT: Whoo! 514 00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:07,588 I survived, man. I made it out alive. 515 00:18:07,671 --> 00:18:09,339 -Wait, wait, don't touch me. There's... -Don't touch... 516 00:18:09,423 --> 00:18:10,591 There's, uh, there's pee everywhere. 517 00:18:10,674 --> 00:18:12,259 Like everywhere. 518 00:18:12,342 --> 00:18:13,677 -(BREATHING DEEPLY) -NICK: It's everywhere? 519 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,137 WINSTON: Well, I didn't just pee on me. 520 00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:16,430 I peed... Well, I peed on me, 521 00:18:16,513 --> 00:18:18,307 but other... Other things peed on me, too. 522 00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:19,725 I saw things, man. 523 00:18:20,392 --> 00:18:21,852 I had an experience. 524 00:18:22,477 --> 00:18:24,438 I think I made out with the side of a dune. 525 00:18:24,563 --> 00:18:25,731 JESS: Hey! 526 00:18:26,481 --> 00:18:27,733 Look, I found my keys! 527 00:18:27,816 --> 00:18:29,067 -Ah! Thank God! -(SIGHS) 528 00:18:36,366 --> 00:18:37,784 SCHMIDT: We still on for brunch? 529 00:18:37,868 --> 00:18:39,703 Gonna come help me unload my stuff tomorrow? 530 00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:40,787 No, not a chance. 531 00:18:40,871 --> 00:18:42,789 -No, yeah, so we can't do brunch. -Probably. 532 00:18:54,510 --> 00:18:55,511 Just go. 533 00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:56,845 Get in the car. 534 00:18:59,014 --> 00:19:00,390 Unacceptable. 535 00:19:00,974 --> 00:19:03,018 -CECE: Good luck. -(INHALES DEEPLY) 536 00:19:06,104 --> 00:19:07,397 (CAR DOOR CLOSES) 537 00:19:09,983 --> 00:19:11,026 Well... 538 00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:12,945 Well... 539 00:19:15,614 --> 00:19:16,823 All right, I'll see you. 540 00:19:21,620 --> 00:19:22,746 See ya. 541 00:19:24,957 --> 00:19:25,958 (SNIFFLES) 542 00:19:33,131 --> 00:19:34,132 (WINSTON SIGHS) 543 00:19:35,259 --> 00:19:36,385 JESS: Wow. 544 00:19:36,468 --> 00:19:38,846 Look how pronounced Nick's couch hole got. 545 00:19:39,763 --> 00:19:40,848 All this time 546 00:19:40,973 --> 00:19:42,015 I thought he was just sitting here 547 00:19:42,099 --> 00:19:43,475 drinking beer and complaining, 548 00:19:44,059 --> 00:19:46,395 -he was making something. -(CHUCKLES) 549 00:19:56,697 --> 00:19:57,865 Hey. 550 00:19:59,241 --> 00:20:00,659 What do you think? 551 00:20:24,433 --> 00:20:25,601 (DOOR CLOSES) 552 00:20:27,728 --> 00:20:29,271 NICK ON RECORDING: Hey, W-N-I-C-K listeners, 553 00:20:29,354 --> 00:20:31,315 this one is going out to all the ladies 554 00:20:31,398 --> 00:20:32,858 I'm gonna meet when I grow up. 555 00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:34,359 -Not. -Not. 556 00:20:34,860 --> 00:20:37,279 (YOU SHOOK ME ALL NIGHT LONG BY AC/DC PLAYING) 557 00:20:45,662 --> 00:20:46,663 (SIGHS) 558 00:20:48,624 --> 00:20:49,750 Hey. 559 00:20:54,630 --> 00:20:56,298 Welcome back, you clown. 560 00:21:03,764 --> 00:21:04,848 (LAUGHING) 561 00:21:05,265 --> 00:21:08,810 She was a fast machine She kept her motor clean 562 00:21:08,894 --> 00:21:12,689 She was the best damn woman that I ever seen 563 00:21:12,773 --> 00:21:16,568 She had the sightless eyes, telling me no lies 564 00:21:17,027 --> 00:21:20,280 Knocking me out with those American thighs 565 00:21:20,364 --> 00:21:24,117 Taking more than her share Had me fighting for air 566 00:21:24,326 --> 00:21:27,829 She told me to come but I was already there 567 00:21:27,913 --> 00:21:29,957 'Cause the walls start shaking 568 00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:33,252 The earth was quaking My mind was aching 569 00:21:33,335 --> 00:21:34,336 Nick, turn it off! 570 00:21:34,419 --> 00:21:35,879 And we were making it 571 00:21:35,963 --> 00:21:38,257 -And you shook me -(EXHALES) 572 00:21:38,340 --> 00:21:40,509 All night long 573 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:43,595 Yeah, you shook me 574 00:21:45,305 --> 00:21:47,391 Yeah, you shook me 575 00:21:48,892 --> 00:21:51,603 All night long 40428

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