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1
00:00:01,126 --> 00:00:03,420
-Here you guys go. Some cookies.
-Wow.
2
00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:04,505
Okay, great.
3
00:00:04,588 --> 00:00:06,381
Um, as you guys know,
I'm moving in with Caroline,
4
00:00:06,465 --> 00:00:09,134
and I'm glad we can
talk about this like adults.
5
00:00:09,218 --> 00:00:10,928
Caroline is, uh, quite the baker.
6
00:00:11,970 --> 00:00:13,013
Anything else, anyone?
7
00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:16,433
You're making a huge,
life-ruining mistake by moving in
8
00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:19,228
with a woman
who turned you into an agoraphobic,
9
00:00:19,311 --> 00:00:21,480
turtle-faced, borderline alcoholic.
10
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:22,564
(CLICKS TONGUE)
11
00:00:22,648 --> 00:00:26,026
I'm gonna start over, 'cause this
did not go the way I had planned.
12
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,695
As you guys know, I'm leaving,
13
00:00:28,779 --> 00:00:30,322
so there are some things
we need to work out.
14
00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:31,782
Yeah, like, what am I
going to do with all that
15
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:34,243
extra money I have now that
I don't have to cover for you anymore?
16
00:00:34,326 --> 00:00:35,327
Okay.
17
00:00:35,410 --> 00:00:37,162
-Maybe I'll buy a city.
-Oh, and you can open a mall
18
00:00:37,246 --> 00:00:38,789
and call it Winston's Corners.
19
00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:41,625
What are you guys doing? You're just
sitting here and letting this happen?
20
00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:42,751
What else are we going to do?
21
00:00:42,835 --> 00:00:44,127
-The guy obviously knows what he wants.
-I do.
22
00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:46,505
When Nick leaves,
I'm going to call a plumber and just
23
00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:48,465
throw cash at him while he works.
24
00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:50,175
Fitties and hunnits, hunnits, hunnits.
25
00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:52,427
WINSTON: Look, while you're at it,
can you please call an exterminator
26
00:00:52,511 --> 00:00:53,929
so we can get rid of that
crime against nature?
27
00:00:54,012 --> 00:00:55,556
JESS: Yeah, he's not fooling anyone.
28
00:00:55,639 --> 00:00:58,642
You think, just 'cause he's a snappy
dresser, the mice don't see the hammer?
29
00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:00,561
Mice come from all over the building
30
00:01:00,644 --> 00:01:02,271
to laugh at that dummy witch.
31
00:01:02,354 --> 00:01:03,814
Is this a freaking carob chip?
32
00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:06,650
What, are you trying
to buy our love with hippie chocolate?
33
00:01:06,733 --> 00:01:07,860
You idiot.
34
00:01:08,944 --> 00:01:10,445
Aren't you going to miss this, Nick?
35
00:01:10,654 --> 00:01:11,905
Who's that girl?
36
00:01:11,989 --> 00:01:13,282
Who's that girl?
37
00:01:13,365 --> 00:01:14,491
Who's that girl?
38
00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:15,576
Who's that girl?
39
00:01:15,659 --> 00:01:16,660
It's Jess!
40
00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:18,328
(SIGHS)
41
00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:20,122
Winston, can you take me
to the doctor tomorrow?
42
00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:22,082
-He's taking the bandages off.
-Wow.
43
00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:23,792
The old Washington monument.
44
00:01:23,876 --> 00:01:25,919
Ready to serve this
great nation once again.
45
00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:27,504
-Can you stop?
-What?
46
00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:29,381
It's time to make this
horse into a unicorn.
47
00:01:29,464 --> 00:01:31,008
Can we save this talk
until after we're done
48
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:32,885
interviewing Neil here
to take Nick's room?
49
00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:34,887
Hey, don't worry about me.
50
00:01:34,970 --> 00:01:37,014
I could talk about
my dingus all night long.
51
00:01:37,139 --> 00:01:39,516
Neil, tell us about yourself,
you know, uh,
52
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:40,976
anything we should know,
aside from the fact
53
00:01:41,059 --> 00:01:43,687
that you responded
to our craigslist ad with a fax?
54
00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:45,856
Well, um, yeah, my name is Neil.
55
00:01:45,939 --> 00:01:49,484
Um, just coming out
of a pretty hairy divorce.
56
00:01:49,568 --> 00:01:51,153
I am in human resources.
57
00:01:51,236 --> 00:01:54,031
Well, I used to be.
I had the unique, uh, experience
58
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,200
of having to let myself go.
59
00:01:56,658 --> 00:01:59,536
-I did not take it well.
-Let me ask you a question.
60
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:01,663
I would love for you to save
your questions till the end.
61
00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:03,290
Are you going to be a wuss about things
62
00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:05,834
-like crabs and bedbugs?
-Like, crabs from Maine?
63
00:02:05,918 --> 00:02:07,503
I hope you like feminist rants,
64
00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:08,837
'cause that's kind of my thing.
65
00:02:08,921 --> 00:02:10,631
Neil, she's just saying this to scare you.
66
00:02:10,756 --> 00:02:12,466
-(HISSING)
-What are you...
67
00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:14,134
-What are you doing?
-Shut up.
68
00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:15,969
(HISSES) I'm a cutter.
69
00:02:16,053 --> 00:02:17,804
Neil, uh, I want you
to give us a minute, okay?
70
00:02:17,888 --> 00:02:19,389
I got to go talk to my roommates
71
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:20,724
-in the bathroom. Guys?
-Okay. Oh, yeah.
72
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,309
You're acting insane.
73
00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:24,811
I'm acting insane? That guy's insane.
74
00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:27,439
Look, Jess, when you moved in,
we all had to roll with it.
75
00:02:27,523 --> 00:02:28,524
-To be fair...
-(GASPS)
76
00:02:28,607 --> 00:02:30,275
...you do some pretty weird stuff.
77
00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:31,610
You know,
I still can't get used to the way
78
00:02:31,693 --> 00:02:33,570
you let us know
when you're using the toilet.
79
00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:35,113
(DINGING)
80
00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:36,823
(SIGHS)
81
00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:38,700
I'm good with Neil.
82
00:02:38,784 --> 00:02:41,203
-I am, too.
-What are you guys doing?
83
00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:43,497
Nick's leaving.
84
00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:44,748
You're his friends.
85
00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:46,959
Aren't you going to fight for him to stay?
86
00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:48,335
You're in.
87
00:02:48,585 --> 00:02:50,170
Ah, yes! Okay.
88
00:02:50,254 --> 00:02:51,505
And get ready for songs,
89
00:02:51,588 --> 00:02:54,007
'cause I am kind of a troubadour.
90
00:02:54,091 --> 00:02:56,844
This is happening, Nick.
This is happening.
91
00:02:57,344 --> 00:02:59,346
Whoa, whoa!
Why you taking back your lamp?
92
00:02:59,429 --> 00:03:00,764
I think you just answered that
93
00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:01,932
when you called it "my lamp."
94
00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:04,017
No, man. Squatters' rights.
95
00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:05,686
What's wrong?
You still afraid of the dark?
96
00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:06,895
(CHUCKLES) What? No. Dude.
97
00:03:06,979 --> 00:03:08,188
'Cause, if you are,
98
00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:09,773
I'll leave this behind.
99
00:03:09,857 --> 00:03:11,984
Nick, first of all,
I'm not afraid of the dark.
100
00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:13,360
But if I were afraid of the dark,
101
00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:15,112
that would be a totally rational,
102
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,822
adaptive evolutionary response.
103
00:03:16,905 --> 00:03:18,657
-(GHOULISH) Good night, Winston.
-That's ridiculous.
104
00:03:18,740 --> 00:03:19,741
I'm not afraid of the dark.
105
00:03:19,825 --> 00:03:21,034
Good night, sweetheart.
106
00:03:21,827 --> 00:03:24,496
(GHOULISH) Unless the monsters get you.
107
00:03:24,997 --> 00:03:26,498
(PANTING)
108
00:03:26,790 --> 00:03:28,292
-(ROARS)
-(SCREAMS)
109
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,043
(MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
110
00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:31,461
Hey.
111
00:03:31,795 --> 00:03:33,463
You came.
112
00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:34,923
(CHUCKLES)
113
00:03:35,591 --> 00:03:36,758
Whoa.
114
00:03:36,842 --> 00:03:37,843
What you got in there?
115
00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:38,969
It's a hard cast.
116
00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:40,888
Yeah, things didn't go
117
00:03:40,971 --> 00:03:42,890
quite like we had hoped at the doctor.
118
00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:45,100
Yeah, so I told the guy
I had never been snowmobiling
119
00:03:45,184 --> 00:03:46,435
in my life, you know, and...
120
00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:48,562
Oh, god! (GROANS)
121
00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:49,938
That's not my penis.
122
00:03:50,189 --> 00:03:51,565
But look, on the bright side,
123
00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:54,151
it is impossible for me
to get aroused in this thing.
124
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,569
Here, watch. Say something hot to me.
125
00:03:58,113 --> 00:04:01,033
Fresh-pressed linens.
126
00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:04,870
Nope, nothing.
127
00:04:04,953 --> 00:04:06,246
Not an inch.
128
00:04:06,330 --> 00:04:08,081
-Like a swaddled baby.
-MAN: Hey, Cece.
129
00:04:08,457 --> 00:04:09,833
-They're ready for us.
-Oh, okay.
130
00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:11,835
Just hang out, okay? Have fun.
131
00:04:16,798 --> 00:04:18,509
PHOTOGRAPHER:
That's right. Ride that missile.
132
00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:19,593
Grip it. Yeah.
133
00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:21,845
You've got a whole tank full of jet fuel.
134
00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:23,222
You're heading straight for the sun.
135
00:04:23,305 --> 00:04:24,848
What the hell-war is this?
136
00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:26,725
-All right, turn around and face him.
-SCHMIDT: Am... Am I...
137
00:04:26,808 --> 00:04:28,560
Am I supposed to want to buy a missile?
138
00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:30,062
I don't understand.
139
00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:31,772
Just pounding the drum of war.
140
00:04:31,897 --> 00:04:34,483
What... What, did no one
listen to Eisenhower?
141
00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:37,486
All right, so that's everything.
142
00:04:37,569 --> 00:04:39,446
I took my fair share of rubber bands,
143
00:04:39,530 --> 00:04:41,198
so I don't want to hear about it.
144
00:04:41,323 --> 00:04:43,450
In my room,
you will find a shoe box.
145
00:04:44,368 --> 00:04:46,912
In that box, there is a guinea pig
146
00:04:46,995 --> 00:04:48,914
that I said I would bury,
so please deal with it.
147
00:04:48,997 --> 00:04:50,040
There's a corpse in your room?
148
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:51,583
All right, guys, well,
thanks for helping me move.
149
00:04:51,667 --> 00:04:52,835
What are we standing in a circle for, huh?
150
00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:54,127
Like a bunch of weirdos? Let's go.
151
00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:55,212
Hey, Nick?
152
00:04:55,546 --> 00:04:56,547
Yeah.
153
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:57,923
Why are you rushing this?
154
00:04:58,340 --> 00:04:59,550
You have so much time.
155
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:00,843
Why not just...
156
00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:03,178
Take a second and think about this?
157
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,471
I feel confident.
158
00:05:04,555 --> 00:05:06,181
I couldn't be more confident, Jess.
159
00:05:06,265 --> 00:05:07,307
Are you?
160
00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:09,393
Yeah.
161
00:05:09,685 --> 00:05:11,311
-Are you?
-Yes.
162
00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:12,479
Are you really?
163
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:14,439
Thanks for helping me move.
164
00:05:24,575 --> 00:05:25,701
(SIGHS)
165
00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:29,580
I love the way he smelled.
166
00:05:31,123 --> 00:05:33,709
Caroline and I are starting
a whole new life together.
167
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,210
Right now, we're trying to decide
168
00:05:35,294 --> 00:05:38,380
between eggshell and
soft mint for the walls.
169
00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:41,633
My gut says that eggshell
is trying too hard,
170
00:05:41,717 --> 00:05:44,636
but soft mint is really tricky to match.
171
00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:46,722
Have I told you guys
about the bay windows I'm going to have?
172
00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:47,890
-Yes, you have.
-Yeah, you just did.
173
00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:50,184
They are stunning, right?
174
00:05:50,267 --> 00:05:52,978
I'm going to curl up
in those like a damn cat.
175
00:05:54,104 --> 00:05:56,356
NICK: That's the place.
SCHMIDT: That's the place right there?
176
00:05:56,440 --> 00:05:57,816
NICK: Right there, yeah.
177
00:05:58,233 --> 00:05:59,359
Aren't you going to stop?
178
00:05:59,443 --> 00:06:00,903
Yeah, seems like I should.
179
00:06:01,236 --> 00:06:02,487
Um, hey... Hey, Nick.
180
00:06:02,571 --> 00:06:03,906
-Yeah.
-What are you doing?
181
00:06:03,989 --> 00:06:07,367
-I'm freaking out! Yeah! (LAUGHS)
-SCHMIDT: What are you...
182
00:06:07,451 --> 00:06:08,785
Oh, no.
183
00:06:08,869 --> 00:06:10,495
Oh, Nick Miller's freaking out again!
184
00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:11,788
Whoop-de-whoo.
185
00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,290
(LAUGHING) What's new?
186
00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:23,091
Come on!
187
00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:25,010
What the hell?
You think he's okay, man?
188
00:06:25,093 --> 00:06:26,803
Oh, no, no, no, he's totally fine.
189
00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:29,306
We do this every day.
We just never invite you, Winston.
190
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:32,351
What have I done?
191
00:06:32,434 --> 00:06:33,560
Hey, Nick, I'm pretty sure
192
00:06:33,644 --> 00:06:36,563
you overshot the apartment
by like 140 miles!
193
00:06:36,647 --> 00:06:37,898
WINSTON: Let's just hop back in the truck,
194
00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:39,650
turn around and go home.
195
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,109
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
196
00:06:41,527 --> 00:06:42,861
-WINSTON: Okay?
-Okay.
197
00:06:42,945 --> 00:06:45,364
-This is crazy that I drove out here.
-WINSTON: Yeah, it is.
198
00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:46,990
Give me the keys.
I'll drive you back to Caroline.
199
00:06:47,074 --> 00:06:49,326
Caroline... No!
200
00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:50,994
(KEY THUDDING)
201
00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:52,829
Well, that was unexpected.
202
00:06:53,580 --> 00:06:56,917
I like to move in, move in
I like to move in, move in
203
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,419
I like to move in
204
00:06:59,545 --> 00:07:02,089
I like it quiet, quiet.
205
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:07,344
Okay, I rode up in
the elevator with that guy,
206
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,346
and something growled in that box.
207
00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:11,473
I hope he has a pet.
That would cheer me up.
208
00:07:11,557 --> 00:07:12,683
Um, is Schmidt here?
209
00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:15,978
No, he's helping Nick move,
but, uh, Neil is.
210
00:07:16,061 --> 00:07:17,813
Do you want to do a
sex-only thing with him?
211
00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:22,109
He came by my shoot earlier
and was so jealous.
212
00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:24,528
He was freaking out the entire time.
213
00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:26,071
-(CELL PHONE RINGING)
-Oh.
214
00:07:26,405 --> 00:07:27,948
It's him, so...
215
00:07:28,866 --> 00:07:31,285
Hi, Schmidt. How's it going?
216
00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:32,536
How's the new apartment?
217
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:34,246
Does it smell like, uh,
new paint and compromise?
218
00:07:34,329 --> 00:07:35,330
(CHUCKLING)
219
00:07:35,414 --> 00:07:36,415
What?
220
00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:37,749
Where?
221
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:39,376
There's not much sunlight left.
222
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:40,669
What are you afraid of, the dark?
(CHUCKLING)
223
00:07:40,752 --> 00:07:42,129
(CHUCKLING) No, I'm not
afraid of the dark.
224
00:07:42,212 --> 00:07:43,505
Worried about Schmidt.
He's a Jew in the desert.
225
00:07:43,589 --> 00:07:45,507
-I don't want him to wander.
-(RINGTONE PLAYING)
226
00:07:46,258 --> 00:07:47,718
That's Caroline.
Now, what do I tell her?
227
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:49,803
Tell her there's
freaking fire ants everywhere.
228
00:07:50,429 --> 00:07:52,347
Give me a sec. Hey.
229
00:07:52,431 --> 00:07:53,724
Nick, where are you?
230
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:55,058
In the desert.
231
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:57,269
-The what?
-Yeah, I kind of...
232
00:07:58,353 --> 00:07:59,563
I kind of freaked out.
233
00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:02,816
(SIGHS) Look, I know it's a lot.
234
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,987
Just get back here
as soon as you can, and we'll...
235
00:08:07,070 --> 00:08:08,238
We'll figure it out.
236
00:08:08,322 --> 00:08:10,032
(CHUCKLING) Really?
237
00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:11,867
I love you.
238
00:08:12,576 --> 00:08:14,036
I love you, too. (CHUCKLING)
239
00:08:16,121 --> 00:08:17,372
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
240
00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:19,499
(LAUGHS)
241
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,960
I think I overreacted
by throwing my keys earlier.
242
00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:23,504
-Oh, yeah?
-(CHUCKLES) Yeah. I don't know why
243
00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:25,631
I ever doubted Caroline. She's the best.
244
00:08:25,714 --> 00:08:26,798
So, why the hell would you
245
00:08:26,882 --> 00:08:28,884
-throw your damn keys away?
-I deserve this.
246
00:08:28,967 --> 00:08:31,136
-I'm going to kill you! (YELLS)
-Hey, Winston, no. (GRUNTS)
247
00:08:31,220 --> 00:08:33,222
WINSTON: The sun is going down!
SCHMIDT: All right, all right.
248
00:08:33,305 --> 00:08:35,682
-Calm down. Nick!
-I'll kill you! I'll kill you!
249
00:08:35,766 --> 00:08:37,309
-(GRUNTING)
-Enough!
250
00:08:37,768 --> 00:08:39,728
Would you stop it?
There's violence everywhere!
251
00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:41,104
Why are we fighting?
Why are we fighting?
252
00:08:43,899 --> 00:08:45,317
Oh, good.
253
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:46,652
Oh, thank God.
254
00:08:46,735 --> 00:08:48,612
WINSTON: Hey, Jess!
What took you so long?
255
00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,113
Let me tell you something,
you never want
256
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:51,365
to lose a race against the night.
257
00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:52,991
Nice new place, Nick.
258
00:08:53,075 --> 00:08:54,952
-It's very spacious.
-NICK: Yes, I'm an idiot, Jess.
259
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,453
-JESS: Really nice.
-Hey.
260
00:08:56,537 --> 00:08:57,579
That's for you.
261
00:08:58,539 --> 00:08:59,748
What happened at the shoot?
262
00:08:59,831 --> 00:09:02,167
You... You kind of left
before I had a chance to say goodbye.
263
00:09:02,251 --> 00:09:03,585
Good stuff, sure.
264
00:09:03,669 --> 00:09:05,170
It was hard to tell where you stopped
265
00:09:05,254 --> 00:09:07,756
and Goggles McHardbody began.
266
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,299
That's my job.
267
00:09:09,675 --> 00:09:11,885
Gino is just some guy
that I see around the office,
268
00:09:11,969 --> 00:09:14,179
except for, in my office,
they rub us down
269
00:09:14,263 --> 00:09:16,181
-with baby oil before we start.
-Yeah, I get that.
270
00:09:16,265 --> 00:09:18,517
Look, your business is selling sex.
271
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,435
Sure, you're a sex worker.
272
00:09:20,519 --> 00:09:21,812
You're an idiot.
273
00:09:22,938 --> 00:09:24,314
If we leave right now,
274
00:09:24,398 --> 00:09:25,858
I can get back to Caroline by 8:00.
275
00:09:26,358 --> 00:09:27,359
Caroline?
276
00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:29,736
Yeah, I changed my mind. Gonna move in.
277
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,488
Yeah, and I actually don't
even care about this truck.
278
00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:32,698
I'll come back and get it tomorrow.
279
00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:33,907
I say we just leave now,
280
00:09:33,991 --> 00:09:35,367
-get out of the desert.
-Sounds good.
281
00:09:35,450 --> 00:09:36,451
Here's my question.
282
00:09:36,535 --> 00:09:38,662
-What's that?
-How are you going to get there?
283
00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:40,080
Uh, I think you're going to drive me.
284
00:09:40,163 --> 00:09:41,874
-Oh, I don't think so.
-Wait. What?
285
00:09:41,957 --> 00:09:43,208
-Then why'd you come out to the desert?
-WINSTON: What?
286
00:09:43,292 --> 00:09:44,835
-What? What are you doing?
-NICK: Jess.
287
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:45,919
-(JESS GRUNTS)
-Jess!
288
00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:48,005
No! Come on!
289
00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:49,798
People, just please listen to me.
290
00:09:49,882 --> 00:09:52,384
Stop throwing your damn keys!
291
00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:54,052
The werewolves come out at night, man.
292
00:09:54,136 --> 00:09:55,888
I don't want nobody to eat me!
293
00:09:55,971 --> 00:09:58,348
-I got big thighs. I got a fat ass.
-Relax.
294
00:09:58,432 --> 00:10:00,225
We are in the middle
of the desert, and nobody
295
00:10:00,309 --> 00:10:01,685
is going to find our bodies!
296
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:02,769
-Come here.
-What?
297
00:10:02,853 --> 00:10:03,854
-You're having a nervous breakdown.
-(SOBBING)
298
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:04,980
You're having a nervous breakdown.
299
00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:09,443
NICK: The tow truck
can't come until tomorrow.
300
00:10:09,526 --> 00:10:11,028
Aren't you glad I stole all this beer?
301
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:13,238
Hello. Look what I found.
302
00:10:13,322 --> 00:10:14,364
NICK: Don't. Put that away.
303
00:10:14,448 --> 00:10:15,449
No, I have to hear it.
304
00:10:15,532 --> 00:10:17,451
I'm begging you to put that away.
It's humiliating.
305
00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:18,744
-(LAUGHS)
-I made that when I was 14.
306
00:10:18,827 --> 00:10:20,871
-Nick, I have to hear this.
-SCHMIDT: Turn it up.
307
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:21,997
NICK ON TAPE: This next song
goes out to...
308
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,081
No, please.
309
00:10:23,165 --> 00:10:24,917
...a very special girl, Gwen Bressler.
310
00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,169
I know you like breakfast,
but how do you feel about
311
00:10:27,252 --> 00:10:29,171
-Breakfast at Tiffany's?
-Breakfast at Tiffany's.
312
00:10:29,254 --> 00:10:31,173
(CHUCKLING) Oh, that is a terrible song.
313
00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:33,008
-This is a great song.
-(SONG BEGINS)
314
00:10:33,091 --> 00:10:34,760
You guys are crazy. Listen to the lyrics.
315
00:10:34,843 --> 00:10:37,304
Oh, man. I feel it in my body.
316
00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:39,056
Oh...
317
00:10:39,932 --> 00:10:42,100
Are you kidding me?
This is in my bones.
318
00:10:42,184 --> 00:10:45,062
I said, "What about
Breakfast at Tiffany's"?
319
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:47,981
-WINSTON: No!
-Something, something
320
00:10:48,065 --> 00:10:50,192
Da da-da da-ta
321
00:10:51,735 --> 00:10:52,736
(CHUCKLING)
322
00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:55,948
NICK ON TAPE: Gwen,
you don't even know my name, do you?
323
00:10:56,031 --> 00:10:57,241
How Bizarre.
324
00:10:57,366 --> 00:11:00,702
Oh, yes, this is where Nick
got cool again. (GRUNTING)
325
00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:02,538
CECE: Oh, not you, too.
326
00:11:02,663 --> 00:11:03,914
(LAUGHTER)
327
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,207
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
328
00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:09,378
NICK: God, I'm like, I'm back.
329
00:11:09,670 --> 00:11:11,004
Thank you for doing this, actually.
330
00:11:11,088 --> 00:11:12,506
Make fun of me all you want.
331
00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:14,049
I'm back! I'm back!
332
00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:15,384
Thank you for doing this.
333
00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:16,969
(LAUGHTER)
334
00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:20,556
In the hot, hot sun
335
00:11:20,639 --> 00:11:23,725
Suddenly, red-blue lights
flash us from behind
336
00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:25,477
Loud voice booming...
337
00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:27,437
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
338
00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:29,690
I'm gonna miss this, you guys.
339
00:11:30,274 --> 00:11:32,484
Just all of us, together,
340
00:11:32,943 --> 00:11:34,236
making fun of Nick.
341
00:11:36,071 --> 00:11:37,239
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
342
00:11:41,076 --> 00:11:42,327
All right, I did it.
343
00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:43,996
I'm an idiot.
344
00:11:44,079 --> 00:11:46,498
I see what you guys are doing. I get it.
345
00:11:46,582 --> 00:11:48,542
You're trying to force me
to remember how great it is
346
00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,836
when we're all hanging out
so I don't want to leave.
347
00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:52,129
-We're just having fun.
-I get it.
348
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:53,964
You guys think I'm dumb
and I make bad decisions,
349
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,340
-but this isn't that.
-No.
350
00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:56,550
WINSTON: What?
NICK: Come on.
351
00:11:56,633 --> 00:11:58,135
JESS: You're being crazy.
Where are you going?
352
00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,386
-To get my keys.
-WINSTON: Dude, where you going?
353
00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:00,888
JESS: You're never gonna find your keys.
354
00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:04,391
(SIGHS)
355
00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:05,934
What's wrong with you?
356
00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:08,353
You're stress-eating meat.
357
00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:09,938
Hey, Jess.
358
00:12:10,314 --> 00:12:11,607
How many have you had?
359
00:12:11,690 --> 00:12:13,984
-Like, three.
-That's a lot of pig parts.
360
00:12:14,151 --> 00:12:15,360
It's just Cece.
361
00:12:15,777 --> 00:12:17,654
JESS: I thought it was going
so well between you guys.
362
00:12:17,738 --> 00:12:18,906
Yeah.
363
00:12:18,989 --> 00:12:20,782
You know, she's a good egg.
364
00:12:22,534 --> 00:12:24,536
She's never gonna be happy
with somebody like me, Jess.
365
00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:26,288
What? That's crazy.
366
00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:27,831
That's why I'm gonna
have to white fang her.
367
00:12:27,956 --> 00:12:29,416
Schmidt, come on!
368
00:12:29,499 --> 00:12:31,502
Look, I try not to
judge what you guys do,
369
00:12:31,585 --> 00:12:33,420
but please don't tell me things like that.
370
00:12:33,504 --> 00:12:35,422
No, no, Jess, Jess.
371
00:12:35,631 --> 00:12:37,633
The book White Fang.
372
00:12:37,758 --> 00:12:38,926
-Oh.
-This guy
373
00:12:39,218 --> 00:12:41,470
befriends a wild creature.
374
00:12:41,553 --> 00:12:43,347
But he must...
He must set the animal free
375
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:44,806
because that's what's best for it.
376
00:12:44,890 --> 00:12:46,016
I know the plot of White Fang.
377
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:47,267
But the animal won't go.
378
00:12:47,351 --> 00:12:48,435
So with a breaking heart,
379
00:12:48,519 --> 00:12:50,687
he throws stones at it until it runs away.
380
00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:53,190
You... You want Cece to go away?
381
00:12:53,649 --> 00:12:54,650
No.
382
00:12:56,193 --> 00:12:57,819
I want her to be happy.
383
00:12:58,862 --> 00:13:01,073
'Cause when...
When you care about somebody,
384
00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:03,116
you do what's... what's best for them.
385
00:13:03,575 --> 00:13:05,827
Even if it sucks for you.
386
00:13:08,830 --> 00:13:10,582
Even if they're just a woof.
387
00:13:10,666 --> 00:13:11,834
A wolf?
388
00:13:11,917 --> 00:13:13,168
-A woof.
-A wolf.
389
00:13:13,252 --> 00:13:14,419
Yeah, that's what I said, a woof.
390
00:13:14,545 --> 00:13:15,838
(LAUGHS) A wolf.
391
00:13:15,921 --> 00:13:17,047
A woof.
392
00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:18,423
Come on, keys.
393
00:13:18,507 --> 00:13:19,550
JESS: Hey, Nick?
394
00:13:19,633 --> 00:13:20,717
Come on, they could be anywhere.
395
00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:21,802
Let's come back in the morning.
396
00:13:21,885 --> 00:13:23,846
I don't want to come back
in the morning, Jess.
397
00:13:23,929 --> 00:13:27,307
Okay, I want to be in my new bed,
in my new apartment,
398
00:13:27,391 --> 00:13:29,059
with my new old girlfriend.
399
00:13:29,393 --> 00:13:31,436
Okay, just, look, I know I've been...
400
00:13:31,562 --> 00:13:32,604
What?
401
00:13:34,231 --> 00:13:35,232
(MUFFLED) Oh, my God.
402
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:36,441
(NICK SHUSHING)
403
00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:38,569
(COYOTE GROWLING)
404
00:13:42,531 --> 00:13:43,615
Oh, my God.
405
00:13:44,575 --> 00:13:46,201
Okay, just be cool.
What do we do? What do we do?
406
00:13:46,285 --> 00:13:47,452
I don't know, I don't know what to do!
407
00:13:47,536 --> 00:13:49,913
-Okay, but, Jess, we have to do something!
-Shh.
408
00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:51,874
(GROWLING)
409
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:53,625
Meep-meep!
410
00:13:53,709 --> 00:13:55,252
-What are you doing?
-Like the Road Runner.
411
00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:56,378
I know it's like the Road Runner.
412
00:13:56,461 --> 00:13:57,546
Why would you do the Road Runner?
413
00:13:57,629 --> 00:13:59,089
-Because he's...
-Don't do that, Jess.
414
00:13:59,173 --> 00:14:00,257
Meep-meep!
415
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,843
Jess, honestly,
don't do the Road Runner to a coyote!
416
00:14:02,926 --> 00:14:04,428
That's how you deal with coyotes.
417
00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:05,512
Coyotes hate roadrunners!
418
00:14:05,596 --> 00:14:06,597
That's how you deal with them.
419
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,056
Coyotes want to kill roadrunners!
420
00:14:08,140 --> 00:14:09,266
(GROWLING)
421
00:14:10,684 --> 00:14:11,935
-Meep-meep!
-Oh, you...
422
00:14:12,394 --> 00:14:13,770
(GROWLING)
423
00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:15,814
(WHISPERING) No disrespect.
424
00:14:16,607 --> 00:14:19,776
It's watching us. It's watching us.
425
00:14:26,241 --> 00:14:27,409
We need to talk.
426
00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:28,493
CECE: All right.
427
00:14:28,577 --> 00:14:29,995
This is not another one of those
428
00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:31,830
"Merlot is the whore of
the vineyard" talks, is it?
429
00:14:31,914 --> 00:14:33,332
This isn't working out.
430
00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:37,711
Are you kidding right now?
431
00:14:38,003 --> 00:14:39,796
Are you trying to end this with me?
432
00:14:51,975 --> 00:14:53,227
Now go on!
433
00:14:54,811 --> 00:14:56,813
You heard me! Go on!
434
00:14:56,897 --> 00:14:58,106
Go on, scram!
435
00:14:58,607 --> 00:15:00,442
Go! I hate you! Go!
436
00:15:01,235 --> 00:15:02,569
(YELLING)
437
00:15:05,364 --> 00:15:06,615
Go back to your kind!
438
00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:07,991
Are you white-fanging me?
439
00:15:08,283 --> 00:15:09,284
Sorry, what?
440
00:15:09,368 --> 00:15:11,870
White Fang, Schmidt.
441
00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:14,039
The only book on your Kindle.
442
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:15,707
The one that you wouldn't
stop talking about.
443
00:15:15,791 --> 00:15:18,335
Remember, I said,
"Please, stop talking about White Fang."
444
00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:21,839
And you said,
"Someday, I'm gonna do this to somebody."
445
00:15:22,339 --> 00:15:23,841
That White Fang. Uh-huh.
446
00:15:24,842 --> 00:15:26,677
Why are you trying to push me away?
447
00:15:29,555 --> 00:15:31,056
I saw your phone, Cece.
448
00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:33,976
I saw the text message from Gino.
449
00:15:34,184 --> 00:15:35,519
Your colleague.
450
00:15:35,644 --> 00:15:36,895
You went through my phone?
451
00:15:36,979 --> 00:15:38,146
What? No.
452
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:40,649
Winston... Winston
went through your phone.
453
00:15:40,732 --> 00:15:43,068
That is not okay.
454
00:15:44,069 --> 00:15:47,364
This is about trust, Schmidt, okay?
455
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,950
It's about trust.
And I told you how this was gonna be,
456
00:15:50,033 --> 00:15:51,785
and I asked you to get okay with it.
457
00:15:51,869 --> 00:15:53,620
How am I supposed to trust you, Cece?
458
00:15:53,704 --> 00:15:56,999
You slept with me. I mean, that doesn't
say much about your taste in men.
459
00:16:08,510 --> 00:16:10,596
And I have more than
one book on my Kindle.
460
00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:12,723
And a subscription to Cricket.
461
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,184
And a lot of pdfs!
462
00:16:15,809 --> 00:16:17,019
(GRUNTS)
463
00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:18,562
Doesn't he have somewhere to be?
464
00:16:19,229 --> 00:16:20,647
Well, this is a disaster.
465
00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:22,858
Why did you keep driving?
466
00:16:22,941 --> 00:16:24,610
I don't want to talk
to you about this, Jess.
467
00:16:24,693 --> 00:16:26,320
I know what you're gonna say,
and I don't want to hear it.
468
00:16:26,403 --> 00:16:27,446
No.
469
00:16:28,113 --> 00:16:30,199
No, you don't know what I'm gonna say.
470
00:16:32,242 --> 00:16:33,994
I want you to be happy.
471
00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:37,456
And if that means
moving in with Caroline,
472
00:16:37,873 --> 00:16:39,583
then I think you should do it.
473
00:16:42,711 --> 00:16:44,004
That's what you think?
474
00:16:45,756 --> 00:16:46,924
I think you need me too much.
475
00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:49,009
No, I'm gonna be fine. I am.
476
00:16:49,092 --> 00:16:50,260
-I don't think so.
-You know why?
477
00:16:50,344 --> 00:16:51,428
Why?
478
00:16:53,847 --> 00:16:55,015
'Cause I met you.
479
00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:00,229
That's why I'm okay.
480
00:17:04,107 --> 00:17:06,693
That's why I can do this.
481
00:17:07,319 --> 00:17:08,362
What are you doing?
482
00:17:08,654 --> 00:17:12,950
To beat the coyote,
you have to be the coyote.
483
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:14,117
That's what I thought
you were gonna say.
484
00:17:14,201 --> 00:17:15,369
That's a very dumb idea. Don't do this.
485
00:17:15,452 --> 00:17:16,537
I'm not with her on this.
486
00:17:16,620 --> 00:17:18,121
This is her move, not mine, sir.
487
00:17:18,205 --> 00:17:19,373
(GROWLS)
488
00:17:19,665 --> 00:17:20,707
(ULULATING)
489
00:17:20,791 --> 00:17:21,792
No.
490
00:17:21,959 --> 00:17:23,293
(JESS ULULATING IN DISTANCE)
491
00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,045
(ULULATING CONTINUES)
492
00:17:26,421 --> 00:17:27,756
(HOWLING)
493
00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:29,049
(WHIMPERING)
494
00:17:29,675 --> 00:17:31,260
-(CHUCKLING) Oh, my God.
-(SQUEALING) I did it!
495
00:17:31,343 --> 00:17:32,469
Oh, my God.
496
00:17:32,553 --> 00:17:34,680
I did it! I have so much dirt
in my mouth, and I did it!
497
00:17:34,763 --> 00:17:36,306
-Come here, come here.
-I did it!
498
00:17:36,390 --> 00:17:38,350
-Nice job!
-I did it!
499
00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:40,352
(BOTH ULULATING)
500
00:17:42,980 --> 00:17:44,565
(SOFTLY) Oh, my God. Schmidt?
501
00:17:44,690 --> 00:17:45,691
Hello?
502
00:17:45,983 --> 00:17:47,109
-JESS: Winston?
-(SCREAMING)
503
00:17:47,192 --> 00:17:48,360
Oh, my goodness!
504
00:17:48,443 --> 00:17:49,444
Oh, my goodness!
505
00:17:49,528 --> 00:17:51,154
-Oh, my goodness!
-He'll be fine.
506
00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:53,240
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
507
00:17:54,825 --> 00:17:56,118
I don't know.
508
00:17:56,201 --> 00:17:57,828
You guys want some candy or something?
509
00:17:57,911 --> 00:17:58,996
Found it in the truck.
510
00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:00,080
No.
511
00:18:00,163 --> 00:18:01,456
I don't want your dirty lolly.
512
00:18:01,540 --> 00:18:02,541
WINSTON: Guys!
513
00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:04,168
NICK: Ah!
SCHMIDT: Whoo!
514
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:07,588
I survived, man. I made it out alive.
515
00:18:07,671 --> 00:18:09,339
-Wait, wait, don't touch me. There's...
-Don't touch...
516
00:18:09,423 --> 00:18:10,591
There's, uh, there's pee everywhere.
517
00:18:10,674 --> 00:18:12,259
Like everywhere.
518
00:18:12,342 --> 00:18:13,677
-(BREATHING DEEPLY)
-NICK: It's everywhere?
519
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,137
WINSTON: Well, I didn't just pee on me.
520
00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:16,430
I peed... Well, I peed on me,
521
00:18:16,513 --> 00:18:18,307
but other... Other things peed on me, too.
522
00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:19,725
I saw things, man.
523
00:18:20,392 --> 00:18:21,852
I had an experience.
524
00:18:22,477 --> 00:18:24,438
I think I made out with
the side of a dune.
525
00:18:24,563 --> 00:18:25,731
JESS: Hey!
526
00:18:26,481 --> 00:18:27,733
Look, I found my keys!
527
00:18:27,816 --> 00:18:29,067
-Ah! Thank God!
-(SIGHS)
528
00:18:36,366 --> 00:18:37,784
SCHMIDT: We still on for brunch?
529
00:18:37,868 --> 00:18:39,703
Gonna come help me
unload my stuff tomorrow?
530
00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:40,787
No, not a chance.
531
00:18:40,871 --> 00:18:42,789
-No, yeah, so we can't do brunch.
-Probably.
532
00:18:54,510 --> 00:18:55,511
Just go.
533
00:18:55,844 --> 00:18:56,845
Get in the car.
534
00:18:59,014 --> 00:19:00,390
Unacceptable.
535
00:19:00,974 --> 00:19:03,018
-CECE: Good luck.
-(INHALES DEEPLY)
536
00:19:06,104 --> 00:19:07,397
(CAR DOOR CLOSES)
537
00:19:09,983 --> 00:19:11,026
Well...
538
00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:12,945
Well...
539
00:19:15,614 --> 00:19:16,823
All right, I'll see you.
540
00:19:21,620 --> 00:19:22,746
See ya.
541
00:19:24,957 --> 00:19:25,958
(SNIFFLES)
542
00:19:33,131 --> 00:19:34,132
(WINSTON SIGHS)
543
00:19:35,259 --> 00:19:36,385
JESS: Wow.
544
00:19:36,468 --> 00:19:38,846
Look how pronounced
Nick's couch hole got.
545
00:19:39,763 --> 00:19:40,848
All this time
546
00:19:40,973 --> 00:19:42,015
I thought he was just sitting here
547
00:19:42,099 --> 00:19:43,475
drinking beer and complaining,
548
00:19:44,059 --> 00:19:46,395
-he was making something.
-(CHUCKLES)
549
00:19:56,697 --> 00:19:57,865
Hey.
550
00:19:59,241 --> 00:20:00,659
What do you think?
551
00:20:24,433 --> 00:20:25,601
(DOOR CLOSES)
552
00:20:27,728 --> 00:20:29,271
NICK ON RECORDING:
Hey, W-N-I-C-K listeners,
553
00:20:29,354 --> 00:20:31,315
this one is going out to all the ladies
554
00:20:31,398 --> 00:20:32,858
I'm gonna meet when I grow up.
555
00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:34,359
-Not.
-Not.
556
00:20:34,860 --> 00:20:37,279
(YOU SHOOK ME ALL NIGHT LONG
BY AC/DC PLAYING)
557
00:20:45,662 --> 00:20:46,663
(SIGHS)
558
00:20:48,624 --> 00:20:49,750
Hey.
559
00:20:54,630 --> 00:20:56,298
Welcome back, you clown.
560
00:21:03,764 --> 00:21:04,848
(LAUGHING)
561
00:21:05,265 --> 00:21:08,810
She was a fast machine
She kept her motor clean
562
00:21:08,894 --> 00:21:12,689
She was the best damn woman
that I ever seen
563
00:21:12,773 --> 00:21:16,568
She had the sightless eyes,
telling me no lies
564
00:21:17,027 --> 00:21:20,280
Knocking me out
with those American thighs
565
00:21:20,364 --> 00:21:24,117
Taking more than her share
Had me fighting for air
566
00:21:24,326 --> 00:21:27,829
She told me to come
but I was already there
567
00:21:27,913 --> 00:21:29,957
'Cause the walls start shaking
568
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:33,252
The earth was quaking
My mind was aching
569
00:21:33,335 --> 00:21:34,336
Nick, turn it off!
570
00:21:34,419 --> 00:21:35,879
And we were making it
571
00:21:35,963 --> 00:21:38,257
-And you shook me
-(EXHALES)
572
00:21:38,340 --> 00:21:40,509
All night long
573
00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:43,595
Yeah, you shook me
574
00:21:45,305 --> 00:21:47,391
Yeah, you shook me
575
00:21:48,892 --> 00:21:51,603
All night long
40428
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