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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,460 --> 00:00:03,795 Thank you guys for joining me on this momentous day. 2 00:00:03,879 --> 00:00:06,131 As you guys know, it's been kind of a rough year for me. 3 00:00:06,215 --> 00:00:08,884 I got dumped by Caroline, then Julia. 4 00:00:08,967 --> 00:00:11,512 I opened myself up to love, I was hurt badly, 5 00:00:11,595 --> 00:00:13,931 and I closed myself up again. 6 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:15,724 The downstairs neighbor put a password on their Wi-Fi... 7 00:00:15,807 --> 00:00:16,808 -JESS: Off topic. -Off-putting. 8 00:00:16,892 --> 00:00:18,060 Okay. I agree. 9 00:00:18,143 --> 00:00:21,271 So I've decided to give up on women, 10 00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:23,357 and put all that energy into 11 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:25,317 tomatoes! 12 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,277 You know what? It was on us for thinking this wasn't gonna be stupid. 13 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:29,029 Thank God! I thought he was trying to sell us something. 14 00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:30,405 Guys, I have a whole speech! 15 00:00:30,489 --> 00:00:32,282 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, you guys. 16 00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:35,869 I told him not to lead with tomatoes, but he did. 17 00:00:35,953 --> 00:00:38,330 As his friends, don't you want to know why 18 00:00:38,413 --> 00:00:39,665 he wants to plant tomatoes? 19 00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:41,667 Is it because he wants tomatoes? 20 00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:43,460 This is my feeble attempt at a new beginning. 21 00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:45,587 He's sowing the seeds for a more fruitful tomorrow. 22 00:00:45,671 --> 00:00:47,005 He is turning over a new leaf. He is... 23 00:00:47,089 --> 00:00:48,131 Jess, please don't do plant metaphors right now. 24 00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:49,216 Okay, I'll trim it back a little bit. 25 00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:50,717 Okay, but you did it again. 26 00:00:50,801 --> 00:00:52,511 -It's ripe with plant metaphors. Sorry. -Okay, but stop. 27 00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:53,887 I'm looking at you guys, and I'm realizing 28 00:00:53,971 --> 00:00:55,556 that there's a possibility of happiness. 29 00:00:55,639 --> 00:00:57,057 He's looking for a little dapple of sunlight. 30 00:00:57,140 --> 00:00:58,892 -Go. -Sorry. 31 00:00:58,976 --> 00:01:02,312 Winston and Shelby, you guys have obviously found love, so... 32 00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:03,814 No, you have no idea. 33 00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:05,482 No, I do, 'cause you talk about it all the time. 34 00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:07,276 -I think we all have a pretty good idea. -Pretty clear idea. 35 00:01:08,694 --> 00:01:11,280 Schmidt and Cece, you almost made a baby together. 36 00:01:11,363 --> 00:01:13,907 You almost made a person. Think about that! 37 00:01:13,991 --> 00:01:16,243 Jess, you're dating the man 38 00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:17,578 that I could see myself growing old with. 39 00:01:17,661 --> 00:01:19,204 Russell, you got a great-looking face. 40 00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:21,498 Your jawline could cut glass. Hold on tight, sister. 41 00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:22,875 Don't let that one slip away. 42 00:01:22,958 --> 00:01:23,959 It's getting a little weird, Nick. 43 00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:25,127 NICK: So, without further ado... 44 00:01:26,003 --> 00:01:28,213 Water, the source of life. 45 00:01:29,673 --> 00:01:30,924 Whoa! 46 00:01:31,008 --> 00:01:32,718 (ALL GROAN) 47 00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:35,053 It's okay, I got two of them. You know what? 48 00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:36,597 Go downstairs, if you want! I don't care! 49 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:39,308 I got tomatoes and I'm bettin' on me! 50 00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:40,767 Freeze frame! 51 00:01:40,851 --> 00:01:42,728 When I'm up in the air and the legs are there. 52 00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:47,149 Who's that girl? 53 00:01:47,232 --> 00:01:48,233 Who's that girl? 54 00:01:48,317 --> 00:01:49,318 It's Jess! 55 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:58,493 Cece, the Jewish is here to make sex. 56 00:01:58,869 --> 00:02:00,787 Uh, it's actually Schmidt. 57 00:02:00,871 --> 00:02:03,165 Um, we've met, uh, many times. 58 00:02:03,248 --> 00:02:06,877 Right. I hear you make sex through Cece wall. 59 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,588 You sound like dog being stepped on. 60 00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:11,590 (BARKS WEAKLY) 61 00:02:11,673 --> 00:02:14,051 Any noises I make, they come from a very truthful place. 62 00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:16,053 I like to create a free environment in the sack. 63 00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:18,263 Hey. What's going on here? 64 00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:19,598 I like his face. 65 00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:21,808 I want to punch, punch, punch! 66 00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:23,977 Beautiful women, 67 00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:26,188 you guys can say just about anything, can't you? 68 00:02:26,271 --> 00:02:29,233 -So what are you doing here? -So, look, we've barely spoken 69 00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:31,777 since I almost impregnated you. 70 00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:33,320 You know, it's just, it's this whole thing 71 00:02:33,403 --> 00:02:34,780 has just kind of got me thinking. 72 00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:37,616 Maybe this is just too intense, 73 00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:39,243 and we should stop. 74 00:02:41,787 --> 00:02:42,913 That's what you want? 75 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,498 It's how I feel right now, yeah, yeah. 76 00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:47,125 Oh. Coolio. 77 00:02:47,209 --> 00:02:49,503 So he goes out with me. 78 00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:51,505 Oh, Nadia, I think that... 79 00:02:51,588 --> 00:02:52,756 I think that's a great idea. 80 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:54,925 I mean, that's what you want, right? 81 00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:57,678 Yeah. It's great. Totally cool with me. 82 00:02:57,761 --> 00:02:59,471 NADIA: Yay! We have fun. 83 00:02:59,555 --> 00:03:01,682 I make him put on black shawl, 84 00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:03,809 pretend he's Grandma. 85 00:03:05,727 --> 00:03:07,271 SCHMIDT: Fine, twist my arm. 86 00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:08,730 I'll go out with the hot Russian model 87 00:03:08,814 --> 00:03:11,275 whose ancestors probably burned down 88 00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:12,651 my ancestors' village. 89 00:03:12,734 --> 00:03:14,319 Something weird happened to me today. 90 00:03:14,403 --> 00:03:18,407 I was at Russell's gym, and I ran into his ex-wife Ouli. 91 00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:21,743 Jess, hi! 92 00:03:21,827 --> 00:03:24,037 -Ouli! -Oh, that's a great swimsuit. 93 00:03:24,121 --> 00:03:25,664 Thank you. 94 00:03:26,957 --> 00:03:29,334 Wow, someone's been working out. 95 00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:31,044 You back's like a bag of ropes. 96 00:03:31,128 --> 00:03:32,880 Oh, mama. 97 00:03:32,963 --> 00:03:34,673 It was really foggy, 98 00:03:34,756 --> 00:03:37,009 and I kept making eye contact with her nipples, 99 00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:40,721 and then I panicked and I invited her to dinner with Russell and me tonight. 100 00:03:40,804 --> 00:03:41,805 -What? -You did what? 101 00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:42,973 It's just that, like, 102 00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,683 Ouli is like this looming presence, 103 00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:47,019 and we don't talk about it, and I don't know, 104 00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:49,354 I thought it would be, like, good for us. 105 00:03:49,438 --> 00:03:51,231 -Everything okay with Russell? -Everything's fine. 106 00:03:51,315 --> 00:03:52,566 I know it's gonna be tense at first, 107 00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:54,610 'cause Ouli's not Russell's favorite person, 108 00:03:54,693 --> 00:03:56,737 but I grew up with divorced parents, 109 00:03:56,820 --> 00:03:59,573 and I'm really good at navigating these situations. 110 00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:01,700 BOB: What did I do? JOAN: Nothing! 111 00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:03,493 Mommy's all right 112 00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,078 Daddy's all right 113 00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:08,165 They just seem a little weird 114 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:10,751 Surrender, surrender 115 00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:13,045 Don't tap-dance at dinner. 116 00:04:13,128 --> 00:04:15,214 Do you really think I would tap-dance at dinner? 117 00:04:15,297 --> 00:04:17,299 -Yes. I'm hiding your tap shoes, Jess. -Don't do it. 118 00:04:18,717 --> 00:04:19,843 OULI: Hi. 119 00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:21,053 -Hi. -I'm sorry I'm late. 120 00:04:21,136 --> 00:04:22,679 -Hi! -Hi! 121 00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:25,641 Hey, remember last time we were hugging? 122 00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:27,768 You were naked. That was weird. 123 00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:28,852 No! 124 00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:30,771 No, that's not weird at all. 125 00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:32,481 I have no problem being naked. 126 00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:34,066 -(CHUCKLES) -Hi. 127 00:04:34,149 --> 00:04:35,150 Hi. 128 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:39,279 How are the quesadillas? 129 00:04:39,363 --> 00:04:40,822 You know what? I've actually never had them. 130 00:04:40,906 --> 00:04:42,282 Oh, the eye roll. 131 00:04:42,366 --> 00:04:43,867 Mmm. Miss that. 132 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,494 RUSSELL: I didn't actually roll my eyes. 133 00:04:45,577 --> 00:04:47,329 I just needed to quickly stare at the ceiling. 134 00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,123 Hey, Ouli. 135 00:04:50,207 --> 00:04:51,333 Mmm. 136 00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:52,668 I love your name. 137 00:04:52,751 --> 00:04:53,919 Thank you. 138 00:04:54,002 --> 00:04:56,255 Or should I say gracias? 139 00:04:59,842 --> 00:05:01,260 Uh... 140 00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:02,427 Oh. 141 00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:08,851 -Well, this is fun. -Yeah. 142 00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:11,520 -It is. -Should we get, like, 143 00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:13,647 -eight more of these, right? -(CIELITO LINDO PLAYING) 144 00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:15,357 -I love this song. -Oh, I hate this song. 145 00:05:17,734 --> 00:05:19,820 When we were on vacation in Oaxaca, 146 00:05:19,903 --> 00:05:22,114 Ouli hummed this song for, like, an eight-hour drive. 147 00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:24,408 Well, it wouldn't have been eight hours if you hadn't gotten lost. 148 00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:27,119 At one point we were just following some donkeys. 149 00:05:27,202 --> 00:05:28,829 Oh, my gosh! Look, it's food! 150 00:05:28,912 --> 00:05:31,248 -I love food. -They were not donkeys! 151 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,458 I can't even remember what we were talking about. 152 00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:35,544 It wasn't a road. 153 00:05:35,627 --> 00:05:37,796 For the millionth time, just because a road's not on a map, 154 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:39,131 doesn't mean it's not a road! 155 00:05:39,214 --> 00:05:40,215 Inside voice. 156 00:05:40,299 --> 00:05:41,550 You know what means it's not a road? 157 00:05:41,633 --> 00:05:43,886 When there are guys in tanks telling you to turn around. 158 00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:45,262 Oh, come on! Those were two kids in a jeep! 159 00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:46,346 Car gets stuck in the mud, 160 00:05:46,430 --> 00:05:47,890 and no, you could not move it. 161 00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:50,017 -Oh, here it is. -Because God forbid you break a nail! 162 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:52,060 I got one manicure, one time! 163 00:05:52,144 --> 00:05:54,396 -I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this! -Oh, no, you're not doing this! 164 00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:57,232 Ouli's all right Russell's all right 165 00:05:57,316 --> 00:06:00,861 They just seem a little weird 166 00:06:00,944 --> 00:06:04,114 Surrender, surrender 167 00:06:04,198 --> 00:06:06,241 -I'm leaving. -You mean before you get your quesadillas? 168 00:06:06,325 --> 00:06:07,826 That's it. 169 00:06:07,910 --> 00:06:09,453 (UPBEAT SPANISH SONG PLAYING) 170 00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:15,959 JESS: It was crazy. 171 00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:18,128 There was, like, serious heat between them. 172 00:06:18,212 --> 00:06:19,338 Does she still have feelings for him? 173 00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:20,589 JESS: Maybe. 174 00:06:21,798 --> 00:06:23,050 -Hey, Schmidt. -(CLEARS THROAT) What up? 175 00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:25,302 So, Nadia's excited for your date tonight. 176 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:26,803 -I bet. -CECE: Make sure, uh, 177 00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:28,013 you use protection. 178 00:06:28,096 --> 00:06:29,765 She's a foreigner, Cece. 179 00:06:29,848 --> 00:06:31,683 -What, do I look like an idiot? -Seriously, 180 00:06:31,767 --> 00:06:33,769 she doesn't even know where she's been, all right? 181 00:06:33,852 --> 00:06:35,562 What, are we at Santa's family reunion? 182 00:06:35,646 --> 00:06:37,898 'Cause the clawses are coming out. 183 00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:42,027 The claws are coming out? You know... 184 00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:43,779 You're being catty, Cece. 185 00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:46,448 (DOOR OPENS) 186 00:06:46,532 --> 00:06:47,699 (DOOR CLOSES) 187 00:06:47,783 --> 00:06:49,660 Are you gonna let him go out with Nadia? 188 00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:53,580 She was kicked out of Russia, Cece. Russia. 189 00:06:53,664 --> 00:06:55,499 Come on, why don't you just tell him you like him? 190 00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,125 It doesn't matter if I like him. 191 00:06:57,209 --> 00:06:59,503 -It's over. -And you're fine with that? 192 00:06:59,586 --> 00:07:01,797 -Yeah. -Are you? 193 00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,465 Yeah. 194 00:07:03,549 --> 00:07:04,758 Are you? 195 00:07:04,842 --> 00:07:06,093 -Yeah. -Hold up. Are you? 196 00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:07,845 -I am gonna kill you. -But are you? 197 00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:14,726 -Hey, Nick. -What? 198 00:07:14,810 --> 00:07:16,603 Have you seen Shelby's cat Rummikub? 199 00:07:16,687 --> 00:07:17,729 I mean, he is the cutest. 200 00:07:17,813 --> 00:07:19,690 Just the absolute cutest. 201 00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:22,818 All right, take a look at this picture where he woke up on my face. 202 00:07:22,901 --> 00:07:25,070 Can't even see my face. I look like a cat man. 203 00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:27,447 -(LAUGHS) -(BIRDS CAWING) 204 00:07:27,531 --> 00:07:29,658 No! No! Get out of here, birds! 205 00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:31,577 Please get out of here, you sky rats! 206 00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:34,288 Go back to hell where you belong! 207 00:07:34,371 --> 00:07:37,124 Leave me and my plants alone! I need this! 208 00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:38,333 You know who loves birds? 209 00:07:38,417 --> 00:07:40,043 Please don't say it, Winston. 210 00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:41,336 Shelby. 211 00:07:45,299 --> 00:07:46,633 So... 212 00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:51,471 How do you like America? 213 00:07:51,555 --> 00:07:54,016 I like salad bar. 214 00:07:54,099 --> 00:07:56,435 I like Despicable Me. 215 00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:58,687 Tosh 2.0. 216 00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:01,773 I like Connect Four, 217 00:08:01,857 --> 00:08:04,151 freedom of speech, 218 00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:05,694 David Fincher, 219 00:08:05,777 --> 00:08:08,530 uh, sidewalk. 220 00:08:08,614 --> 00:08:11,783 I like 1-800-slim. 221 00:08:13,368 --> 00:08:15,245 Your mama jokes. 222 00:08:16,246 --> 00:08:18,165 Strawberry. 223 00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,042 Wilmer Velmarelma. 224 00:08:20,918 --> 00:08:22,794 Leon J. Panetta. 225 00:08:22,878 --> 00:08:26,089 Ice skating for fun, not to save life. 226 00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:27,633 (LAUGHS SOFTLY) 227 00:08:27,716 --> 00:08:30,385 -What are you laughing at? -Cheese is for mouse. 228 00:08:30,469 --> 00:08:31,887 Are you Mick mouse? 229 00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:34,139 -Am I what? -Why don't you get in your spaceship 230 00:08:34,223 --> 00:08:35,641 like Mick mouse? 231 00:08:35,724 --> 00:08:36,934 -What are you talking about? -Mick mouse. 232 00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:39,019 -What is a Mick mouse? -Mick mouse! 233 00:08:39,102 --> 00:08:40,521 I don't understand what Mick mouse is! 234 00:08:40,604 --> 00:08:42,064 -Mick mouse! -I don't under... I don't know. 235 00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:43,941 What, what does that mean? What's a Mick mouse? 236 00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:45,234 Mick mouse! 237 00:08:45,317 --> 00:08:47,319 -Are you saying Mickey Mouse? -Yes. 238 00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:49,404 In America, honey, okay, 239 00:08:49,488 --> 00:08:51,448 Mickey Mouse, he's earthbound. 240 00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:53,408 Let's do sex party. 241 00:08:53,492 --> 00:08:55,619 I sex you in face. 242 00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,663 You're gonna sex me in my face? 243 00:08:59,665 --> 00:09:01,500 Well, fancy meeting you here. 244 00:09:01,583 --> 00:09:03,502 OULI: Hi. JESS: What's up? 245 00:09:03,585 --> 00:09:05,045 -Love the gym. -(CHUCKLES) 246 00:09:05,963 --> 00:09:07,548 You and Russell, huh? 247 00:09:07,631 --> 00:09:08,799 -Oh, God. -Last night? 248 00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:12,010 Sorry if we made you feel uncomfortable. 249 00:09:12,094 --> 00:09:13,387 We just can't be in the same room 250 00:09:13,470 --> 00:09:15,848 without wanting to rip each other's faces off. 251 00:09:15,931 --> 00:09:17,015 Yeah. Yeah. 252 00:09:17,099 --> 00:09:18,725 Well, as long as it's, like, you know, faces 253 00:09:18,809 --> 00:09:21,645 and not, like, clothes. 254 00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:23,814 -You don't think... -No. 255 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,649 I'm just... It's my endorphins, 256 00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:28,068 'cause I'm just, like, so high on endorphins. 257 00:09:28,151 --> 00:09:29,903 Yeah, because there's not a chance in hell. 258 00:09:29,987 --> 00:09:31,905 I mean, he is all yours. 259 00:09:31,989 --> 00:09:33,365 All yours. 260 00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:34,700 Awesome. 261 00:09:34,783 --> 00:09:36,702 I mean, you know what it's like with Russell. 262 00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:38,036 -Yeah. -Yeah! 263 00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:39,830 -I mean... -It's this roller coaster. 264 00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:42,958 It's like standing on the bow of a catamaran 265 00:09:43,041 --> 00:09:46,753 blasted with spray during a perfect storm. 266 00:09:46,837 --> 00:09:48,589 But... (SIGHS) But you're 267 00:09:48,672 --> 00:09:51,216 naked and... 268 00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:53,010 And you're on fire. 269 00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,970 (GIGGLES) You know? 270 00:09:55,053 --> 00:09:57,598 -Yeah. I do. -Whoo! 271 00:09:57,681 --> 00:10:01,185 I'm just, like, "Russell, put away the passion." 272 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:03,395 -(SIGHS) -And... 273 00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:05,063 show me a moderately good time. 274 00:10:05,147 --> 00:10:06,231 Yep. 275 00:10:06,315 --> 00:10:07,316 Crazy. 276 00:10:07,399 --> 00:10:09,568 -So crazy. -Oh, it's crazy. 277 00:10:09,651 --> 00:10:11,195 Russell. 278 00:10:17,993 --> 00:10:18,994 -WINSTON: Nick! -What? 279 00:10:19,077 --> 00:10:20,662 What's with all the hammering? 280 00:10:20,746 --> 00:10:23,415 Whoa! What the hell is this thing? This thing is creepy. 281 00:10:23,498 --> 00:10:25,375 Yeah, it's called a scarecrow, okay? 282 00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:27,503 Birds keep coming after my plants. 283 00:10:27,586 --> 00:10:29,922 Whatever you're doing, just stop with the hammering, okay? 284 00:10:30,005 --> 00:10:32,549 Because me and Shelby are downstairs right now trying to make love. 285 00:10:32,633 --> 00:10:34,468 Ugh! Did you honestly just say that? 286 00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:36,595 Well, dude, we're making love, man. It's beautiful. 287 00:10:36,678 --> 00:10:37,930 Who have you become, man? 288 00:10:38,013 --> 00:10:39,640 I'm happy. Am I not allowed to be happy? 289 00:10:39,723 --> 00:10:41,099 You're allowed to be happy, 290 00:10:41,183 --> 00:10:42,726 but it's really annoying, the way you're doing it. 291 00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:44,228 You know what I don't care about? 292 00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:46,104 -Mmm-hmm? -Shelby. 293 00:10:46,188 --> 00:10:48,065 Oh, Shelby loves puzzles. 294 00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,775 -Mmm-hmm. -Oh, Shelby loves donuts, 295 00:10:49,858 --> 00:10:50,859 but hates donut holes. 296 00:10:50,943 --> 00:10:52,528 Why are you hating on Shelby so much? 297 00:10:52,611 --> 00:10:54,821 I used to be your Shelby! 298 00:10:54,905 --> 00:10:56,490 That came out wrong. 299 00:10:56,573 --> 00:10:58,200 I'm sorry, I didn't know it was my fault 300 00:10:58,283 --> 00:10:59,451 -that your life sucks... -(MUMBLES) 301 00:10:59,535 --> 00:11:00,536 ...and you're so miserable. 302 00:11:00,619 --> 00:11:02,538 Look at yourself! You look like one of those guys 303 00:11:02,621 --> 00:11:04,248 who crawls out of the grave in the Thriller video. 304 00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:12,464 -I want you to git. -Seriously? 305 00:11:12,548 --> 00:11:14,424 I want you to get off my farm! 306 00:11:14,508 --> 00:11:15,509 This is a little weird, man. 307 00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:16,760 You used to be my best friend. 308 00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:18,804 -Now, I don't know you! -Talk to yourself, man. 309 00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:20,138 NICK: So git! WINSTON: I'm gittin!' 310 00:11:20,222 --> 00:11:21,557 -I don't need ya! -Shut up! 311 00:11:29,773 --> 00:11:31,149 -Hey, Russell. -Mmm-hmm. 312 00:11:32,943 --> 00:11:34,611 Do I ever drive you crazy? 313 00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:36,154 Of course not. 314 00:11:36,238 --> 00:11:37,781 Come on. There has to be something that I do 315 00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:40,367 that just, like, gets under your skin. 316 00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:41,952 No, I can't think of anything. 317 00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:43,829 Come on, Russell. Think. 318 00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:45,747 Think, think, think, think. 319 00:11:45,831 --> 00:11:47,416 Think. 320 00:11:47,499 --> 00:11:48,500 That's annoying, right, 321 00:11:48,584 --> 00:11:49,585 -the way I say think? -(CHUCKLES) 322 00:11:49,668 --> 00:11:50,961 -Well... -With a "K." 323 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,921 Okay, Jess, um... 324 00:11:54,006 --> 00:11:55,340 Your eyes bug out a little 325 00:11:55,424 --> 00:11:56,633 -when you're trying to make a point. -Yeah? 326 00:11:56,717 --> 00:11:59,928 Yeah. And you do this, uh, squatting thing 327 00:12:00,012 --> 00:12:01,805 -when you're thinking sometimes. -Yeah? 328 00:12:01,889 --> 00:12:03,557 Yeah. Don't love that. 329 00:12:06,143 --> 00:12:08,270 -Like that? Like that? -Uh... 330 00:12:08,353 --> 00:12:09,897 Yeah, and I've never actually seen both of 331 00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:11,982 those things together, so it's not a favorite of mine. 332 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,735 Is this just driving you crazy? 333 00:12:14,818 --> 00:12:16,028 -(HUFFS) -Um... 334 00:12:16,111 --> 00:12:18,238 No, but it's not pleasant. 335 00:12:18,322 --> 00:12:20,407 You're not pleasant. 336 00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:22,284 You're not pleasant. 337 00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:23,619 -That's not nice, that's, that's... -Yeah. 338 00:12:23,702 --> 00:12:25,454 -Not nice. -No, it's passion! 339 00:12:25,537 --> 00:12:28,123 Oh! Uh, you hurt my teeth. 340 00:12:28,207 --> 00:12:29,583 Yeah, what you gonna do about it, Russell? 341 00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:31,376 Uh, well, I mean, probably nothing. 342 00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:33,378 Yeah, I hate this shirt, I hate this shirt. 343 00:12:33,462 --> 00:12:36,924 Okay. Okay, you know, well, could you please... Thank you. 344 00:12:38,634 --> 00:12:40,385 There it is. There's the fire. 345 00:12:40,469 --> 00:12:41,595 Where you been hiding it, Rusty? 346 00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:42,846 Where you been hiding it? 347 00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:44,306 I'm gonna, um, make some tea. 348 00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:45,599 Do you want some tea? We have chamomile. 349 00:12:45,682 --> 00:12:46,975 -No! -Okay. I mean... 350 00:12:47,059 --> 00:12:49,186 Oolong... Oolong, you want oolong? 351 00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:52,689 Ugh, I hate that you have so many coasters! Why? 352 00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:55,025 -It's actually kind of a funny story. Wow. -Yeah? 353 00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,693 You just coasting through life, you coaster? 354 00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:57,945 This isn't good, not at all. What are you... 355 00:12:58,028 --> 00:12:59,780 You know, now, now I'm pissed. 356 00:12:59,863 --> 00:13:00,989 What is this? 357 00:13:01,073 --> 00:13:02,407 (SIGHS) 358 00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:06,203 Something's missing. 359 00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:09,248 I didn't know it until I saw you and Ouli together the other night 360 00:13:09,331 --> 00:13:11,208 almost strangle each other. 361 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,126 But then it clicked. 362 00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:14,878 I want that. 363 00:13:16,421 --> 00:13:18,215 I want what you and Ouli have. 364 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:20,300 You want me to treat you like my ex-wife? 365 00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:22,469 Who I hate? 366 00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:25,138 I don't know, I just... 367 00:13:25,222 --> 00:13:27,432 (SIGHS) You guys have this spark, 368 00:13:27,516 --> 00:13:29,351 and I want that spark! 369 00:13:29,434 --> 00:13:32,187 You have to admit, you have this spark, this passion. 370 00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:35,607 Passion's overrated, Jess. 371 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,115 I knew we shouldn't have gone to that dinner, I... 372 00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:44,658 I wanna go home. 373 00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:45,993 Jess... 374 00:13:46,577 --> 00:13:47,744 Just... 375 00:13:47,828 --> 00:13:49,705 Can you just take me home? 376 00:13:55,752 --> 00:13:56,920 NICK: Get in there! 377 00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:58,839 Useless. 378 00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:01,758 You... get... in there. 379 00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:04,178 What is this, Martin Scorsese's The Wizard of Oz? 380 00:14:04,261 --> 00:14:06,138 I'm sorry about what happened on the roof, man. 381 00:14:06,221 --> 00:14:07,598 Apology accepted. 382 00:14:07,681 --> 00:14:10,184 It's just... We used to be miserable together, man. 383 00:14:10,267 --> 00:14:13,228 (CHUCKLING) We did have some pretty bad times together. 384 00:14:13,312 --> 00:14:14,897 Yeah, we had the worst. 385 00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:16,315 Hey, remember that time we pooled our money 386 00:14:16,398 --> 00:14:17,900 and bought that online dating profile together? 387 00:14:17,983 --> 00:14:19,276 Yes. (LAUGHS) 388 00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:21,445 The ladies did not care for Ninston Biller. 389 00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:23,447 -Zero dates. -Zero. 390 00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:26,950 I'm sorry that I can't be happier for you. 391 00:14:27,034 --> 00:14:28,535 I don't really know what's wrong with me, Winston. 392 00:14:28,619 --> 00:14:30,370 -You want me to tell you? -Not really, actually. 393 00:14:30,454 --> 00:14:31,747 Okay, why are you giving up? 394 00:14:31,830 --> 00:14:34,082 If something doesn't work out, what do you do? 395 00:14:34,166 --> 00:14:36,043 You make an adjustment, and you give it one more shot. 396 00:14:36,126 --> 00:14:38,670 -I mean, that's what I did with... -Okay, just say it. 397 00:14:38,754 --> 00:14:39,922 -...my beautiful Shelby. -Shelby. See. 398 00:14:40,005 --> 00:14:41,840 Why did you say, "My beautiful Shelby"? 399 00:14:41,924 --> 00:14:44,468 -It's so weird. -I just called her out of the blue, okay? 400 00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:46,720 And then I was a different person, 401 00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:49,348 and she was a different person. Now look at us, man. 402 00:14:50,015 --> 00:14:52,518 We're eating sandwiches and making love to one another. 403 00:14:54,019 --> 00:14:55,896 Sandwiches and sex? 404 00:14:55,979 --> 00:14:57,397 I want that. 405 00:15:00,359 --> 00:15:01,610 CECE: Hey. 406 00:15:01,693 --> 00:15:04,696 How, um... How was your date last night? 407 00:15:04,780 --> 00:15:07,574 Brief. Small man go to hospital. 408 00:15:08,283 --> 00:15:09,326 The hospital? 409 00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:10,869 -Is he okay? -I don't know. 410 00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:13,747 I leave him there, I go make bowling. 411 00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:16,375 Nadia... Like, honestly, what did you do to him? 412 00:15:16,458 --> 00:15:19,086 Well, he cry and cry. It was so funny. 413 00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:20,546 CECE: Oh, my God. 414 00:15:20,629 --> 00:15:22,089 There's me! 415 00:15:27,010 --> 00:15:29,304 I really like what we have. I thought you did, too. 416 00:15:29,388 --> 00:15:31,515 I do. I did. It's just, Russell... 417 00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,642 (AIR RUSHES) 418 00:15:33,725 --> 00:15:35,978 -(RADIO PLAYS) -Great. Just forget it. 419 00:15:36,061 --> 00:15:39,022 Yeah, that seems to happen every time you're in this car. 420 00:15:39,106 --> 00:15:41,441 But there's so many buttons. It's like... 421 00:15:41,525 --> 00:15:43,527 The Batmobile doesn't have so many buttons. 422 00:15:45,946 --> 00:15:48,740 Look, Jess, I've already done the crazy, 423 00:15:48,824 --> 00:15:51,326 explosive passion thing when I was with Ouli. 424 00:15:51,410 --> 00:15:53,996 It was like edging closer and closer to a wood chipper. 425 00:15:55,664 --> 00:15:57,165 I'm not looking for that anymore. 426 00:15:58,834 --> 00:16:00,294 I understand. 427 00:16:00,377 --> 00:16:01,670 But I am. 428 00:16:03,172 --> 00:16:04,256 And... 429 00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:06,300 I want passion. 430 00:16:07,718 --> 00:16:10,429 Even if it's harder and hurts more. 431 00:16:13,515 --> 00:16:14,683 So that's it. 432 00:16:15,809 --> 00:16:16,977 Goodbye, Russell. 433 00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:22,065 (GRUNTS) 434 00:16:23,734 --> 00:16:25,152 Well... 435 00:16:25,235 --> 00:16:26,403 Yeah. 436 00:16:30,824 --> 00:16:32,159 Oh, my God. 437 00:16:32,951 --> 00:16:34,745 Are you serious? 438 00:16:34,828 --> 00:16:37,539 How do you look this good under fluorescent lights? 439 00:16:37,623 --> 00:16:40,250 I am so, so sorry. 440 00:16:40,334 --> 00:16:42,711 Okay? This is all my fault. I thought... 441 00:16:44,004 --> 00:16:45,005 What happened? 442 00:16:45,088 --> 00:16:46,465 (CLEARS THROAT) 443 00:16:46,548 --> 00:16:48,592 Yeah, um, this is embarrassing. 444 00:16:51,470 --> 00:16:53,388 I broke my penis. 445 00:16:53,472 --> 00:16:55,390 -You what? -I broke my penis. 446 00:16:55,474 --> 00:16:57,893 Things got, I mean, just out of control 447 00:16:57,976 --> 00:17:00,020 with Nadia last night, and there was, like, 448 00:17:00,103 --> 00:17:03,398 this one moment where it was just blinding pain. 449 00:17:03,482 --> 00:17:04,942 And then there was another moment where I was, like, 450 00:17:05,025 --> 00:17:07,152 watching myself watch myself... 451 00:17:07,236 --> 00:17:10,030 I think I finally understand what The Tree of Life is about. 452 00:17:10,113 --> 00:17:12,366 And I can't be certain of this, 453 00:17:12,449 --> 00:17:14,368 but I'm almost positive 454 00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:16,703 that Nadia's vagina contains a right angle. 455 00:17:16,787 --> 00:17:17,996 I'm leaving. I cannot believe I came here. 456 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:19,164 How are you upset right now? 457 00:17:20,082 --> 00:17:21,583 Cece, you ended this. 458 00:17:21,667 --> 00:17:22,918 I don't know what you want from me! 459 00:17:23,001 --> 00:17:25,420 I don't want you sleeping with Nadia. 460 00:17:25,504 --> 00:17:28,715 Are you crazy? I don't want you sleeping with anyone. 461 00:17:31,802 --> 00:17:33,011 Because I like you. 462 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:38,642 I can't just always say what I feel, okay? 463 00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:40,310 It's just... 464 00:17:40,394 --> 00:17:42,396 Just, whatever, Schmidt. 465 00:17:42,479 --> 00:17:43,730 You like me. 466 00:17:45,649 --> 00:17:46,900 You like my personality? 467 00:17:46,984 --> 00:17:48,360 I was surprised, too. 468 00:17:49,653 --> 00:17:50,988 Come here. 469 00:17:53,031 --> 00:17:54,324 (CHUCKLES) 470 00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:57,911 -Oh! -Oh! 471 00:17:57,995 --> 00:17:59,288 (SCREAMS) 472 00:17:59,371 --> 00:18:02,457 -What happened? -Oh, my God, why? 473 00:18:02,541 --> 00:18:04,001 -(GROANS) -Oh, what? 474 00:18:04,084 --> 00:18:05,669 Oh, my God, my penis is having a heart attack. 475 00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,087 -Don't touch me, don't touch me. -Okay. I... 476 00:18:07,171 --> 00:18:08,422 -You gotta get out of here. -All right. 477 00:18:08,505 --> 00:18:10,215 I mean, I've, I... I'd like... Don't bend over! 478 00:18:10,299 --> 00:18:12,134 For crying out loud! What are you, nuts? 479 00:18:12,217 --> 00:18:13,635 I'm sorry, it's the yoga pants. 480 00:18:13,719 --> 00:18:15,345 I'm sorry for this, but I... I... 481 00:18:15,429 --> 00:18:16,805 -I like you. -And I like you, too, so much. 482 00:18:16,889 --> 00:18:18,473 Call a nurse, call a male nurse. 483 00:18:18,557 --> 00:18:20,392 Probably a heavy-set male nurse would be nice. 484 00:18:20,475 --> 00:18:22,561 -Bye. -Describe it to them as like a... 485 00:18:22,644 --> 00:18:24,938 As a battered highway cone. (GROANS) 486 00:18:28,025 --> 00:18:29,902 (SIGHS) 487 00:18:29,985 --> 00:18:31,528 (JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING) 488 00:18:40,704 --> 00:18:41,914 Oh, hey. 489 00:18:41,997 --> 00:18:45,334 Hey. Caroline, how you doing? 490 00:18:45,417 --> 00:18:48,712 Good. Just going to use the bathroom. 491 00:18:52,299 --> 00:18:53,717 -Caroline? -Yeah, I know. 492 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,928 I just called her, and then... I don't know, it's... 493 00:18:56,011 --> 00:18:58,555 What are you doing? You guys had a terrible relationship. 494 00:18:58,639 --> 00:19:01,600 Are you crazy? (SNIFFS) Are you burning incense? 495 00:19:01,683 --> 00:19:03,977 Yes, I am for ambience. She digs it. 496 00:19:04,061 --> 00:19:05,729 She digs it? 497 00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:07,814 Are you kidding, Nick? What happened? 498 00:19:07,898 --> 00:19:09,942 What happened to swearing off women 499 00:19:10,025 --> 00:19:11,109 and focusing on tomatoes? 500 00:19:11,193 --> 00:19:14,655 I can't grow tomatoes, Jess. 501 00:19:14,738 --> 00:19:17,199 I think this is what was supposed to happen all along. 502 00:19:17,282 --> 00:19:20,702 Me and Caroline. And I'm okay with it. 503 00:19:20,786 --> 00:19:22,788 -I'm happy. -That is pathetic, Nick. 504 00:19:22,871 --> 00:19:23,872 You're just saying that 505 00:19:23,956 --> 00:19:26,583 'cause you don't have the patience or the courage to be alone. 506 00:19:26,667 --> 00:19:28,460 CAROLINE: I will never get used to those urinals. 507 00:19:28,544 --> 00:19:29,711 -(LAUGHS) Right. -(LAUGHS) 508 00:19:29,795 --> 00:19:30,879 Hey, would you give me a second? 509 00:19:30,963 --> 00:19:32,089 I have to talk to Jess for... 510 00:19:32,172 --> 00:19:33,215 Oh. Sure. 511 00:19:33,298 --> 00:19:34,383 -Great. -Okay. 512 00:19:34,466 --> 00:19:36,385 -Bye, Caroline. -Bye. 513 00:19:36,468 --> 00:19:38,887 See you in one second. What is your problem? 514 00:19:38,971 --> 00:19:41,014 Have fun making terrible life decisions! 515 00:19:41,098 --> 00:19:42,891 Oh, you just know everything, don't you? 516 00:19:42,975 --> 00:19:44,893 -No, I don't know everything. -I'm actually so sick of you. 517 00:19:44,977 --> 00:19:46,687 I'm just really disappointed in you. 518 00:19:46,770 --> 00:19:48,397 Yeah, you know, maybe I'll be more like you, Jess, 519 00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:50,983 and I'll go run into the kitchen and make pastries 520 00:19:51,066 --> 00:19:52,192 -with sprinklies on them... -That isn't what I do. 521 00:19:52,276 --> 00:19:54,069 Then throw some dumb pajama outfit on, 522 00:19:54,152 --> 00:19:56,655 and then tell other people how to live their lives! 523 00:19:56,738 --> 00:19:58,282 It's not a pajama outfit! 524 00:19:58,365 --> 00:20:00,826 -They're called pajamas, Nick! -That's what I said! 525 00:20:00,909 --> 00:20:02,244 Nick, why don't you go back in your room 526 00:20:02,327 --> 00:20:03,912 and put on your stupid flannel 527 00:20:03,996 --> 00:20:06,623 and keep not living up to your potential! 528 00:20:06,707 --> 00:20:08,584 -You're a crazy person, Jess! -I am not. 529 00:20:08,667 --> 00:20:10,252 I'm just saying things that you don't want to hear. 530 00:20:10,335 --> 00:20:11,545 You know what I would like to hear from you? 531 00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:13,005 -What? -Silence! 532 00:20:13,088 --> 00:20:14,423 -Well, I'm not gonna be silenced! -Just... 533 00:20:14,506 --> 00:20:16,300 Just shut up! For one second be quiet! 534 00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:18,218 -I'm trying to help you! -Please be quiet! 535 00:20:18,302 --> 00:20:19,761 -No! No! -I don't want your help. 536 00:20:19,845 --> 00:20:21,763 Stop making that face at me. I hate that face. 537 00:20:21,847 --> 00:20:24,266 This is my only face! I don't have a lot of faces, 538 00:20:24,349 --> 00:20:27,227 and if you don't like looking at my face, Jess... 539 00:20:28,729 --> 00:20:30,814 then look at my ass! 540 00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:35,360 -Oh! -Yeah! Get a good look! 541 00:20:35,444 --> 00:20:38,155 -Stop shaking your ass at me, you quitter! -This is the ass of a failure! 542 00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:40,532 -You get a look. -Look right at my ass. 543 00:20:40,616 --> 00:20:43,202 -No, Nick. -You bought the ticket, take a ride. 544 00:20:43,285 --> 00:20:45,913 -Feast your eyes on my butt. -I'm winning this moment. 545 00:20:45,996 --> 00:20:47,247 -You quitter. -Look at my butt, 546 00:20:47,331 --> 00:20:48,582 it's going faster than yours! 547 00:20:48,665 --> 00:20:50,250 I have the fastest butt in the land. 548 00:20:50,334 --> 00:20:52,419 -I got a faster one! -No, you don't. 549 00:20:52,503 --> 00:20:54,922 -What are we doing? -Stop looking at my ass. 550 00:20:55,005 --> 00:20:56,215 Oh, I'm gonna kill you. 551 00:20:57,925 --> 00:20:59,134 JESS: Quitter! 552 00:21:02,471 --> 00:21:04,556 SCHMIDT: You really think Nick is gonna believe that a tomato 553 00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:06,683 just sprung up overnight? 554 00:21:06,767 --> 00:21:09,353 Yes, I do. When it comes to tomatoes, 555 00:21:09,436 --> 00:21:12,397 no one in the world knows less than Nick. 556 00:21:12,481 --> 00:21:13,857 So how long you gotta ice that thing? 557 00:21:13,941 --> 00:21:14,942 Eight weeks. 558 00:21:15,025 --> 00:21:16,777 I mean, if I have any excitement 559 00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:18,654 it's excruciating pain. 560 00:21:18,737 --> 00:21:20,072 -Boobies. -What? 561 00:21:20,155 --> 00:21:22,157 -Boobies. -I love boobies. 562 00:21:23,992 --> 00:21:25,327 Girls with clean hair. 563 00:21:25,410 --> 00:21:27,037 Winston, this is the least funny game we've ever played. 564 00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:28,664 Models eating sliders. 565 00:21:28,747 --> 00:21:30,499 -(GROANS) -Bernadette Peters on a high beam. 566 00:21:30,582 --> 00:21:32,751 -(WAILING) -Freshly-baked bread. 567 00:21:32,835 --> 00:21:33,836 SCHMIDT: Oh, God! 40884

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