All language subtitles for New Girl S01E20 Normal 1080p DSNP WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-MiU_track4_[eng]

JESS: I love these parties.

I feel like I'm
an ambassador or a spy

or like a really high-class prostitute.

Well, Jess, it's a political fundraiser.

Who's to say you can't be all three?

Hey, this is really good.

I mean, I got to tell you,
I'm really, um…

-Happy.
-Happy.

It's like the complete
opposite of my marriage.

I'll give you
the opposite of your marriage.

-(CHUCKLES) What?
-Sorry, I just…

I've never heard you talk about
your ex-wife and I got really nervous

and I tried to flirt
information out of you.

-Aw.
-So…

I haven't been home in a week,
and, um,

underneath my dress I'm wearing…

…a pair of your boxer briefs

that I borrowed slash stole

slash I'm not giving them back.

Come on. Let's go.
Go to my house right now.

Well, I have to go
to my home for a bit.

No, no, come on.

Come on. Stay with me.

No, I'm worried about the guys.

They must really be missing me
and wondering where I am.

-Hey!
-Sacrifice, sacrifice.

-Lava! Touched the lava!
-WINSTON: Ow! Ow!

-Touched the lava!
-Touched the lava, dude!

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

It's Jess!

RADIO HOST: He's the worst
quarterback in the league.

Statistically, it would be
better if he wasn't even playing.

You're listening to the radio
and writing with a pen?

-What decade are we in?
-NICK: I cannot listen to that guy.

Come on.
Joe Napoli's the worst, man.

What? Man, that is blasphemous.

He's the king of sports radio, man.

I've got an interview
with him today, okay?

He's hiring a new research assistant.

Hence the research.

My old basketball coach set it up.

You know, I'm just trying
to figure out how to break it to Elvin.

You got to cut ties with that kid.

He freaks me out. He never blinks.

He's like a tiny little owl in a shirt.

Hey, guys!

-Hey.
-JESS: I have so much to tell you.

I spent the whole week
with rich people.

I finally tried port.

Were you gone last week?
Is that why it was so quiet?

I feel like I haven't
seen you guys in so long.

-You all look so handsome, so grown-up.
-Thank you.

Hey, Nick. I finally
notice the 1/8 Cherokee.

Winston. That's almost a mustache.

Yeah. It's creepy and thin,
just like I like it.

How was your sex-cation with Russell?

I did have a lot of sex. Thank you.

What'd you guys do without me?
Hit me up with a headline!

-Nothing.
-We played True American.

What? You played
True American without me?

-Yep.
-Yes ma'am.

-(PHONE BEEPING)
-Oh, sorry. It's Cece.

-Hey, you!
-CECE: Tell me everything. How's it going?

-Where are you?
-CECE: With Schmidt.

Where are you?

Right here. Wow.

I am not used to this yet.

I'm surprised this one's still standing.

We burned through
a lot of ideas last night.

-That's really great.
-We went deep into the stables…

-Yeah. Cool.
-NICK: Ugh.

I don't know. It's like we're living
in a romantic comedy montage.

Like, we, like,
throw our heads back when we laugh,

and I, like, try on floppy hats for him.

Well, it's pretty perfect.

It's like the first act of a TV movie

until I find out that he has
a wife and kids in another state.

Yeah, but nothing's perfect, right?

You're kind of doing
everything on his terms,

living in his beautiful, fancy house.

-I'm not really living there.
-Has he ever spent a night here?

Hey, guys.

So, listen, um, Russell's gonna come
and stay this weekend.

-(GROANS)
-I was just wondering

-if you guys could be cool?
-Yeah.

(MIMICS EXPLOSION)

NICK: Sure.
JESS: Okay, uh…

Actually, I don't trust what
"cool" means to all of you,

so how about we just, say be normal?

-Big R.
-RUSSELL: Schmidt.

What's up, man? Your shoe's untied.

Oh.

-What are you doing?
-Label check, man.

-What are you doing?
-Label check. Just calm…

(SIGHS)

Did…

(CHUCKLES)

-I got it.
-(FLUSHES)

-Russell!
-Whoa!

Oh, man, you scared me.

-You scared of black people?
-No.

-It's 2012, baby.
-I'm…

-Yeah, of course. Done deal.
-Easy. Easy.

Quick question.

Russell's such a visionary,

would it be okay
if I took him through my idea notebook?

Nope, not at all.

Maybe I won't take him
through the whole notebook…

Or how about none of it?

But I have one
that I'm really excited about

called Real Apps, that I know

-Russell would be interested in.
-Come on.

-JESS: No.
-Nick, Real Apps is my idea.

Real Apps is not your idea.

SCHMIDT: Yeah sure,
you might have birthed the idea,

but I midwifed it, and I
midwifed the crap out of it.

-JESS: Guys.
-It was a messy birth.

NICK: You just thought of the name!

The name is everything.
The name is the name of the game.

The game is… Is the name.
The game is the name.

-The product is the game.
-JESS: Guys!

I know you can do this.

You sure you don't wanna swing?

-Nah. Pushing's where the action is.
-(CHUCKLES)

Elvin, listen, buddy.
I think we should talk.

You know I'm not gonna
be here forever, right?

I know about death, Winston.

I know there's no farm
where dogs and grandpas go.

What? No. (SIGHS)

It's just that I'm an adult.

It's time for me
to get an adult job with adult people.

I mean, you understand, right?

Maybe we should get to work
on your resume because yours is terrible.

It's 2012, Winston.

Typing is not a special skill.

-And you're familiar with the show?
-Yes, I am.

I've been listening for years.

What do you think of Mr. Napoli?

He's actually like an idol of mine.

Be honest, jackass!

Would you consider yourself
an undercover cop?

-Huh?
-Seriously. Are you a cop?

-You have to tell me.
-No!

How far can you drag an unconscious man?

-I don't know. I never really tried to…
-Hello, Mr. Napoli.

If you're as bad an assistant
as you were a point guard,

I'll eat you.

You know. I know you,
Winston Bishop, okay?

Sub-par collegiate career, went to Latvia,

9% from the European/women's
three-point-line?

-Okay, just…
-Now you wind up in my lap.

Well, I'm the luckiest girl in school.

Hey, come on in, big guy. I want you to
meet our new assistant, Winston Bishop.

Hey, first of all,
I've not agreed to do it…

Welcome to the team, Winston.

Hope Joe hasn't been too tough on you.

Uh. I'm in. I'll do it.

Um…

So nice to meet you,
Mr. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Can I sit on your shoulders?

Sure!

-Really?
-No.

Oh.

You've made a wonderful decision.

-I'm sure you're going to learn a lot.
-Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

JOE: Yeah, well, welcome aboard.
You can start today.

I wanna talk to Kareem
about a segment on his show.

I wanna talk to you about the jackets.

You said we were gonna get show jackets!

Russell, hey.

I could show you around.
I could show you our world.

Way up here, it's crystal-clear.

-Nick, you're doing Aladdin.
-Again?

-Do you like cheeses, Russell?
-What? That's…

-Nick, come on.
-It's for Russell.

So you really just call
these ethnic noodles?

No, actually, I don't know.

The only English writing
on the box is,

"Find water. Grow hot.
Family celebrate plus."

Huh. That guy. Huh.

-Nick, stop staring.
-I'm not… What?

Schmidt's being really weird, too.

So I told you and Jess to go
get some sushi at Asakune,

but I hear you harakiri'd that one.

-Well, I know the chef at Namuda.
-Oh, oh. Namuda?

(LAUGHS) Maybe "my first sushi."

Baby wants a tempura California roll.

Little Russell wants…
Little Russell wants an avocado roll!

Schmidt… Nick, don't eat his noodles.

-Yeah, but we're bowl brothers now.
-JESS: No, you're not.

-(DOOR CLOSES)
-Tighten up, guys.

WINSTON: I'm gonna kill him.

I'm gonna punch him in his
rich, old white dude face.

Not you.

Joe Napoli.

So I guess you didn't get the job?

No, I got the job.
And that's the problem.

I want six shakes
in my fridge at all times, ready to go.

And I want it Beyoncé-colored.

Not darker, not lighter.

Beyoncé!

Clean your damn desk!

(WHISPERS) Don't let him see you cry.

See, I wanna kill him.

Russ, I was wondering
if later, if you had a minute,

if you wouldn't mind taking
a look at my idea notebook.

-Um, hold that thought.
-NICK: I will hold it.

Hold that thought
'cause he doesn't want to hear it, Nick.

Those ideas were 51% mine.

(DISPOSAL RUMBLING)

-Oh!
-I got it! Russell, move, my man.

-What'd I do?
-No, you did nothing, my man.

-Don't blame yourself.
-Whoa.

(CLATTERING)

Yeah! It just fights back
a little bit, Russ.

Anchor me! Anchor me! It's choking me!

-Come on.
-Go, go, go!

(GRUNTING)

Come on.

-Anchor me. Don't grope me.
-Jess, get in there!

NICK: Jess!

One more big one!

(ALL SIGH)

-(DISPOSAL STOPS)
-Oh, my God. Sorry.

You guys, my contractor
knows a really great plumber.

Please. I know the best
plumbers in the business.

-White guy knows a plumber. Great.
-Settle down.

Sorry. Plumbing's, like,
a really sensitive topic around here.

-I… I didn't know.
-SCHMIDT: Yeah.

I mean, who would? (CHUCKLES)

Um… Hey.

Who wants to play, uh, True American?

-I'm in. That sounds like a great idea.
-Yeah, I'm in.

So it's 50% drinking game,
50% life-size Candy Land.

Well, it's more like
75 drinking, 20 Candy Land.

And by the way,
the floor is molten lava.

It's actually 90% drinking,
and it's got a loose

-Candy Land-like structure to it.
-JESS: But with stakes.

SCHMIDT: Hey, guys, we doing teams?

-Yeah. Call it out, Schmidtty.
-Mmm-hmm.

Ready? One, two, three, go.

-NICK: Two, two, four.
-Wow, I'm with Russell. Perfect.

-What? You don't wanna be on my team?
-Well, I just copied you.

-You haven't given me any information yet.
-Oh, okay.

So it starts off there are four zones.

An alternate zone is a crazy zone.

(STAMMERING) And there's
a trail of chairs. But the floor is lava.

These are the pawns.
They're the soldiers of the secret order.

This is the king of the castle.

And remember, everything you hear in
True American is a lie. Knock on wood.

And it starts with
a shotgun tip-off, okay?

-Yeah.
-Oh, that I can do.

Shotgun, for sure.

(ALL CHEERING)

-SCHMIDT: All right! Yeah!
-(LAUGHING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Yeah, there's no going back now.

One, two, three, four, JFK!

-FDR! Up, up, up!
-FDR!

(ALL SHOUTING)

-NICK: That's my spot.
-Russell, you're in the lava, man.

-I don't understand.
-JESS: Abe Lincoln, George Washington.

ALL: Cherry tree!

(NICK WHISTLES)

All right, Americans.

You ready? Let's do the count.

ALL: One, two, three.

That's me!

(ALL CHEERING)

Okay, remember. The ground is lava.

(CHANTING) Russell! Russell!

-SCHMIDT: Don't touch the lava.
-(ALL CHEERING)

-(ALL LAUGHING)
-Big R!

-Yes!
-The only thing we have to fear…

ALL: Is fear itself!

-Drink!
-Drink!

(GULPING)

(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(SCHMIDT LAUGHS)

Jimmy Carter atop…

Grover Cleveland.

What now?

-More beer.
-More beer.

I got to get to the castle!

-Go, Nick, go!
-(STRAINS)

Russell, you're kind of ripped up, huh?

I, uh, I used to work summers
in a lumber camp near Banff,

and I still split my own wood.

NICK: JFK!
ALL: FDR!

(GRUNTS)

You're pretty good at this, old-timer.

SCHMIDT: Ooh, ooh, Cece.

This is the best game of True American
ever. I'm this close to winning.

Yeah, I'm gonna go get in your bed.

-Damn.
-Yeah, I'm out.

NICK: Schmidt, no!

-No!
-Does it…

-This means we win?
-No, it's unofficial.

-Yes, we win!
-Whoo! (LAUGHS)

(CHEERING)

BOTH: USA! USA!

-RUSSELL: Oh, a little bit. Ah!
-USA! USA!

RUSSELL: I'm trashed.

-I'm in a trash bag right now.
-(GIGGLES)

-It's true.
-I think we should call it a night.

No, no, hang… Hang on.

(STAMMERS) I was saying something.

What you was saying to me. I remember.

Hey, guys. Guys?
I'm really sorry. I'm on a water break.

-(LAUGHS)
-JESS: It's over here.

Oh, man, you were
giving me advice on my boss

because you are also a rich white man.

-And that's okay.
-Hell yeah, I am!

(ALL LAUGH)

-Hey, I love you.
-NICK: I love you.

Russel, we have a big day
planned tomorrow, so maybe we should…

(STAMMERS) Shh, shh, hang on a sec.
Now, let me straighten you out.

-Here's what you do.
-Mmm-hmm.

Your boss is power-playing you.

So you need to power-play him back.

-Yes.
-How do I do that?

-Dip your boys in his shake.
-(LAUGHS)

-What?
-Yeah. That's all you got to do.

Your testicles, dip 'em in,
wring 'em out, dip it again.

And give him his shake.
That's how you do it.

-(WINSTON LAUGHS)
-That's a terrible idea.

RUSSELL: (STAMMERS) Jess, no. Shh.

Hang on, hun. It's like a guy thing.

Territory, you know. Jess, you don't know.

It's a guy thing, you know?
Jess doesn't get it. It's a territory.

-Stop copying Russell.
-I'm not copying him. I love him.

Classic is a classic,
you know what I mean?

Just get in there, dunk
your nuggets in his shake.

That's what I'm talking about.

Well, we've all learned a lot.

You know what would make
this night really great?

-Idea notebook.
-Sleep.

-Yeah?
-Have you ever wanted to take a ride

on a magic idea?

-Well, strap on, Russell.
-JESS: Russell.

-Let's go to sleep.
-No, I'll be in in a second.

I wanna hear your idea. What…

Take one more of these,
and then this idea's gonna even be better.

RUSSELL: Okay.
NICK: Down the hatch!

-(BOTH GRUNT)
-(LAUGHING)

RUSSELL: Let's have
a little bit more of that.

I'm mad at him, and I've never
been mad at him before.

Ugh, Jess!

This room is not a place
of comforting, okay?

This is Darwin's jungle

where open-minded people do
weird things to each other.

Go away.

-(SIGHS)
-Yeah.

I can't fight with him.

That's our thing. We don't fight.

He used to fight
all the time with his ex-wife.

And I think he likes that we're peaceful.

Fighting's good. It's healthy.
It's how you know it's working.

You know, Jess,
what Cece and I like to do

is we like…
We like to fight with our bodies.

It's like a really intense
game of capture the flag.

I won't make you guess what the flag is.

As my financial business partner,
I appreciate you taking the time.

All right, Russell said
we need a prototype.

So, Mr. Schmidt,
I now present you Real Apps.

The phone obviously
goes back here where the phone goes,

and then these are all the apps.

You've got a Zippo.
You've got a fork. You've got a spoon.

That's a corn holder.

It's also a gentleman's shiv.

Nick, it's a prototype
of a prototype at best.

-Let me see it.
-No. Don't be mean about it.

-Let me see it.
-You got, uh, a bottle opener.

-Come on. Look at this.
-Yeah.

There's no brushed steel.

No nickel. I mean,
it's got none of the baller metals.

I mean, come on, man.

I'm not gonna get Winklevoss'd
because of your sloppiness.

What do you mean, "I"?
Real Apps is my idea.

You just came up with the name!

-Yeah, and the name is the game, friendo.
-Mmm-mmm.

-Yes, it is, man.
-No, it isn't. No, it isn't, man.

Would you line up around the corner

if they called the iPhone
a "slippery germ brick"?

Yeah, actually, I might.

That's why they call it basketball

and not "peach basket catch-it-up."

You just came up with that?

JOE: Hey, hey, we're back
here on The Joe Napoli Show,

and let me introduce you to a new
member of The Joe Napoli Show family,

and that is Winston Bishop,
who is our new assistant.

And I'll tell you what,
he's sharp as a tack.

Ladies, there's no ring on his finger,

and, Winston, why don't you tell us
just a little bit about yourself?

(MIMICS) Hey, thanks a lot, Joe.
I really wanna tell you about myself.

You know, I…
I've been on the job two days,

and I don't know how to make no milkshake.

Oh, and I played two years

-of mediocre Division I basketball.
-Wow.

-And why was that?
-Well, because I didn't really

know how to play basketball.

I got recruited
for a girls' volleyball team.

All right, there he is.
That's Winston Bishop.

And we'll see you again probably never.

All right, turning now to the NBA picture,
it looks like the West…

These are hangover eggs.

See, they'll either stop you
from throwing up the rest of the day

or you'll just throw it up really fast.

It's high-risk, high-reward.

Oh, maybe I should just go back to bed.

I have a really nice day planned for us.

We're gonna go apple picking…

I don't… I don't pick apples.

That… That's…
That's not gonna happen.

-Are you serious?
-Because it's picking and it's apple…

-You're serious?
-That literally sounds like hell.

Okay.

Are we in a fight?

-We're not fighting.
-This feels like a fight, Jess.

This is not a fight!

NICK: Russell, my man,

it seems these days
there's an app for everything.

Doesn't it, though?

Yeah, but there isn't.

Let's say I'm out and about,
you know, being mobile,

and I wanna cut a bagel.

Cobble a shoe.

-Haberdash on the fly.
-Is there an app for that?

-No.
-SCHMIDT: Is there?

-Until now.
-That's right.

NICK: We now present to you…

-…Real Apps!
-Real Apps!

The prototype.

Hmm, hmm, hmm.

-Relapse?
-Real Apps.

-Real Apps.
-Relapse?

-Relapse?
-Would you calm…

-You called my baby "relapse"?
-No, I didn't call it anything.

-I gave you 51% of this for relapse?
-Just calm down!

Russell. Russell. Enough. Russell.

Hold it in your hands, my man.

-We're in the middle of something, guys.
-JESS: No.

We're great. We're fine.
Show it to him, Schmidt.

-SCHMIDT: Let me show it to him.
-Yeah, but you have to…

-Here, Russell.
-You're going the wrong way.

Can't do it like that.

-Oh! Ah!
-(BOTH GASPING)

-Oh, my God, Russell, are you okay?
-NICK: No, no, no.

-I've been stabbed!
-JESS: Oh, my God.

-It wasn't ready.
-(SCREAMS)

-It wasn't ready.
-You called it relapse, you idiot!

-Where are the Band-Aids?
-No Band-Aids!

What? Look, I'll get you
a take-out napkin with some scotch tape.

-Searing pain!
-So sorry.

JESS: Here.

-Ow, ow, ow.
-JESS: Oh, oh. Sorry.

Jess, do you know what?
You just taped a napkin to my hand.

You know what? I'm gonna go.
I need to be home right now.

-Is that a problem?
-No.

I'm fine.

It's great.

We're great.

Yeah.

-I'm sorry. Just nicked it.
-(MUMBLING)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SCREAMS)

-Get it all out.
-I have an idea for your idea book!

Replace the Band-Aids!

-Very fair.
-It's so sticky!

Oh, I have an app for that.

ELVIN: What are you doing here?

Why aren't you at your new job?

I'm quitting.

You're quitting your dream job?

Well, I mean, there's good news.

I'm gonna keep being your nanny.

That's what I've come to tell your mom.

I can't let you do that.

Mom? Mom? Winston just asked me
if he can smoke weed.

-What… What?
-What?

-No, see…
-He said when we go to the park,

he wanted to do it.

And I get to hold it because I'm a minor.

(STAMMERING) Where is your
imagination taking you? No!

You said that in front of my kid?

-Gina…
-Are you serious?

Are you completely insane?

Gina, you know me, okay?
You… I'm wearing a tie and everything.

You're never, ever gonna nanny again.

I will destroy you on the nanny boards.

You can count on that. Come on, Elvin.

Let me explain. Let me…
Elvin, Elvin, Elvin, hey now.

Elvin, let's get away.
Get away from the hippie. Come on.

Bye, Winston.

-Bye, Elvin.
-GINA: No, no, don't talk to him.

It's 4:20. Don't you
have to be somewhere?

Oh, no.

The shakes.

Six… Where are you, number six?

JOE: Hey, Bishop,
I thought you left early.

Assumed you weren't coming back.

There was something wrong
with the shakes,

so I went in and just threw them out
because there's something wrong with 'em.

Speaking of which, I should probably
go ahead and throw that one out.

What did you do to the shakes?

They've been compromised.

What did you do?

Look. I really, really want
this job, Mr. Napoli,

and I know you're gonna fire me
if I tell you what I did,

but I would love a future here,

and I don't want that
to be jeopardized by a moment of…

Poor judgment?

I put my beans in your shakes.

Yeah, and I…

I shook it around a little bit like this.

In there? You stuck 'em
down in there, huh?

I did.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, man! (LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

You know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna do that to Kareem.

(CHUCKLES)

-Hi.
-Hi.

-I have something to say to you.
-You don't have to apologize.

Well, I'm not here to apologize.

I'm here to fight with you and
I don't care if you wanna fight or not.

Well, all right, let's fight.

Well, I was prepared
to have a perfectly nice weekend with you,

and you just give up, and you come home.

Because I was bleeding from my hand.
I had to go to the ER.

I had to get a stitch.

Ooh, stitches.
I'm too fancy for a Band-Aid.

I'm actually… I'm actually
really sorry about that.

Jess, I haven't played
a drinking game in 10 years.

The only reason I did is
'cause you asked me to. I…

If I want to have a drink, I don't really
have to play a game while I'm doing it.

Well, that's my world.
Garbage disposals don't work.

Elevators don't pass inspection.

-Wait. I didn't know about the elevator.
-Yeah, it was, like,

the cables were really thin.
We signed a waiver.

-They took 100 bucks off our rent.
-That's really not safe!

Well, that's where I live,
and those are my friends.

And that wasn't even the
first stabbing this month.

And, Russell, my life is just
as important as your life.

And if you want to get with me,

you're gonna have to get with my friends,

and that is a Spice Girls song.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

We just had a fight.

-I won.
-You did not win.

Hey, tell you what. Let's just
go back to your loft and try again.

-Let's just hang out.
-Oh.

Now? I mean…

I just got here. Maybe later.

(LAUGHS) Okay.

That sounds like a plan.

Those boxers you borrowed?
I'm gonna need them back.

-They're my lucky underpants.
-JESS: Lucky underpants?

And what are the values
of the Olympic Games?

Openness, exchange.

The first victims of an
authoritarian security regime.

I'm Kareem Abdul-Jabbar,

and that's "The View From Up Here."

(SLURPING)