All language subtitles for New Girl S01E19 Secrets 1080p DSNP WEB-DL DDP5 1 H 264-MiU_track4_[eng]

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Are you ready to run?

I have my playlist all ready.

Actually, it's
Diane Keaton's autobiography,

and she just filmed First Wives Club,

and it's getting me pumped!

I totally forgot
we were going to run today.

I emailed you, like, three times.

Maybe you typed "gmoil" again.

No more excuses, we have to train.

We signed up for this charity run
and now we have to do it.

Why can't we just donate the money?

Why do we have to run the six miles first?

That's a good point,
but, no, you're getting dressed.

Oh, no, Jess, look, I can't go.

I am super hungover right now.

Plus, Masha had a bit of a crisis.

She accidentally ate a cookie.

-What?
-Because she fell on it.

I am devastated.

She is devastated.

Well, why don't you
come running with us?

-No, she can't.
-You can run off that cookie.

CECE: You know what?
We will do it tomorrow,

-I promise.
-JESS: It's more money for charity.

CECE: It'll be so fun.

(GASPS)

I mean, that was a close one.

Good thing I'm a quiet breather.

I learned that as a kid

playing "Who Passed Out?" with my mom.

(CHUCKLES) My mom always won.

Jew in the couch. Jew in the couch.

(GIGGLES)

Nadia, American manners.

Sorry.

Jew person in couch.

She's not wrong.

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

Who's that girl?

It's Jess!

-(DOOR OPENS)
-WOMAN: Okay, bye, Nick.

So you'll call me?

Um, yeah, yeah, I'll definitely...

(COUGHING)

-Are you, are you okay?
-I'm gonna call you.

-(COUGHING)
-Um, okay.

Do you hike? Do you hike?

(COUGHING)

-Okay, I...
-This was fun.

Okay, I'll call you tonight
to make sure you're okay?

Please.

(COUGHING)

That was ridiculous.

I can't do this, Winston.

I don't know how to sleep

with 21-year-old girls.

For the last couple weeks,
that's all I've been doing.

What's going on with you?
Are you okay?

I saw something a few days ago.

I've been sworn to secrecy,

-but it is just too big.
-You know I can't keep a secret,

I can't lie, Winston.
You saw me with that girl.

-Don't leave me like this.
-Thinking about keeping

a secret turns my back
into a slip 'n slide.

Come on, man, you got to help
me out, okay? I'm dying.

-I don't want to know.
-Hey, hey, come on, come on.

-I'm dying! I'm dying, man!
-I don't want to know.

I don't want to know!

Cece and Schmidt are sleeping together!

Ew.

(NICK GROANS)

-It's happening under our roof.
-No.

-Yes. Yes!
-No.

This makes me hate things.

I know, man. It's like up is down.

Up is the new down, man.

Now my back is sweating.

All right, who knows?

Everybody but Jess.

JESS: Hey.

Hey, Jess.
Just hanging out in the hallway.

What's going on? Nothing's going on.

Actually, I'm really annoyed.

Cece bailed on me again.
We're supposed

to train for the race this weekend.

That is so Cece.

I know, I mean,

and the weird thing is
she said she was hungover,

but last night she said
she didn't want to go out.

Maybe she had a guy over.

Not like that, I didn't say anything.

If you think about what I said,
I didn't say anything.

You have a secret.

-You have a secret.
-No, you have a secret.

-Turn around.
-You turn around.

-Let me see your back.
-Please don't.

-Just be cool about...
-Ew, gross.

J'accuse, Miller, j'accuse.
You fold like a lawn chair.

Fold, fold.

-(MUMBLING RAPIDLY)
-You fold, fold.

Winston said Cece and Schmidt
are sleeping together!

-Come on, man!
-What?

Oh, my God.

WINSTON: They know, Schmidt.

Sweatback?

You told sweatback?
Come on, Winston.

-Jess.
-God.

I am so sorry that you had
to hear about this like this.

But can we just take
a moment to celebrate me?

Schmidtty really did it this time.

I mean, I'm having Indian every night.

-No, no!
-Whoa, whoa!

(JESS SCREAMING)

Jess, I'm really sorry
you found out this way,

okay, but trust me,
it wasn't some big conspiracy.

It was something that happened
and it got out of control,

sort of like poison oak,

and I couldn't stop scratching it.

-Cece started it.
-That's...

I did, I started it.

Why, Cece? Are you trying
to get back at your parents?

When did it start?

Jess, I want to emphasize
that we are not dating.

I can't stress that enough.
This is just sex.

Mmm-hmm, when did it start?

1:03 a.m., February 15,

right on schedule.

Two months ago.

Two months?

Two moons have passed
since you started doing it?

Why do you start talking
like a Native American when you get angry?

Two moons have passed!

Just a quick sidebar.

We've done it in every
room of the apartment.

Ugh, even my room?

-Just the one time.
-Oh, God.

How long have you known?

A few days.

-You didn't tell me either?
-NICK: Jess,

just as a reminder, I told you
seconds after I found out.

Because you're weak, Nick, weak.

I agree. Just chill out. Stop yelling.

Jess, I want to tell you everything.

-What do you want to know?
-I don't know, Cece.

How would I know
you're telling the truth?

Come on, Jess.
Are you seriously mad?

(SCOFFS)

No, no, I'm not.

I'm really glad you two are having fun.

How cool is that?

For what it's worth,

I think what I did was really brave.

Oh.

Get off of me.

Yeah.

Have you guys seen a scarf?

Holly said she left it out here.

HOLLY: It's my favorite scarf

because it's a circle,
so you never have to think

about which end goes
on the right or the left.

My therapist gave it to me.

She's Asian, but she's the nicest.

(PHONE RINGING)

Who is that?

Nobody, just...

Who was that?

Was it that stuck-up bitch

from last night with the fake hand?

-Whoa.
-NICK: No, it was no one.

It was just...
It was just beep-beep-beep.

Was...

I'm so old.

I don't even know
how to use a cell phone.

Come on. Let's go clubbing.
You want to go clubbing?

HOLLY: Show me the phone.

Let's go back to when
we were having fun.

-Let me see the phone.
-No, just chill out.

-Let me see your phone.
-No!

(THUDDING)

Smooth.

NICK: I'll call you.

Nick, are you kid...

You keep the ringer on?

Amateur move, man.

Yeah, I'm just in over my head.

Schmidt, I hate asking you this,
but how do you do this?

Glory be, are you asking for my help?

Oh, I'm flattered.

Pull up, pull up, Nick.
Yank back on that yoke.

We have to face
the reality of the situation.

Schmidt has been having
consensual sex with Cece

and lying about it.

He's better than us at this, Winston,

and I hate it as much as you do,

and, Schmidt, I hate saying this,
but I might...

I might respect you.

Thank you for saying that.

You've come a long way, man.

Since my 20s, I've had
a string of lesser paramours

which, like weathered stone steps,
have led me to the Hindu temple,

A.K.A. Cece, because she's Indian.

(BOTH MOANING)

You don't have to be so gentle with me.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

All right, oh, that's how I like it, baby.

All right.

Sex, man. It's the real stuff.

I don't know that I should help you.

You're not a player.

You're a clingy serial monogamist

with, well, with a terrible metabolism.

Schmidt, I need you

to teach me to be a douchebag.

-Let's get to work.
-What's happening in the world?

Hey, babe.

JESS: Oh, hey, Cece.

-Doing some stretches?
-Good guess, model.

Just limbering up
in case I want to have sex

with one of your roommates.

Do you want some company?

What?

-Do you want some company?
-I'm sorry. I can't hear you.

Diane Keaton is talking

about her rich life full of loyal friends.

Oh, Jess,

I hate when we fight.

I get so stressed out.

I mean, my eye twitch is back.

I'm eating bread, all right?

Just let me come
on this run with you.

JESS: No!

Seriously, Jess,

it was just one secret.

Everybody has got secrets.

Good afternoon.
Uh, my name is Mr. Schmidt. M-R...

Not even a real chalkboard.

First of all, Nick, congrats.

-Thank you.
-You're meeting a lot of young women,

and for whatever reason, they seem to

find you appealing.

In the restaurant of life,

you have selected the tasting menu.

Changed my mind.
I don't want to do this anymore.

Nick, you're terrible at lying,

so what we want to do is,
we want to focus on

S-S-V.

I cannot believe you slept with Cece.

-Short, simple...
-Vagina.

Vague. It's actually vague.

Let's apply it. I'm one of these
young girls that's coming in here.

I want to party. I'm in college.
Let's do this.

-I'm in.
-Hey, what happened to your phone?

Jesus took it.

A Jesus hawk on a speedboat.

The environment. Bears, family, magic.

SCHMIDT: Mmm-hmm.

-I need your help, Schmidt.
-Yeah.

I'm the girl, and the whole objective

is to get me out of the front door
as fast as you possibly can.

Let's do this.

-Ready?
-Yeah.

-What's your name?
-My name is Janine, all right?

God.

(SIGHS, MOANS)

-Don't make that sound.
-Good morning, Nick.

You really gave it
to me good last night.

You gave me the full business, yeah.

This is really weird, Schmidt.

-One of the weirder things we've done.
-Right?

What you thinking, brown eyes?
Grab some brunch?

Sure, Janine, that sounds fun.

-God, no, you don't want to grab brunch.
-(STAMMERING)

-Okay.
-Come on, damn it, Nick.

-I'm all turned around.
-Focus.

I just had sex with Janine.
I have feelings for her.

Yeah, so you're done.

Oh, I just sleep with her
and then kick her out

like she's a piece of meat?

-This is the problem.
-Ask me again, Schmidt.

Okay, cowboy,
want to saddle up and go again?

-No, sweetie, I can't.
-Good, why can't you?

-I got things to do. I got plans.
-You have work.

Plans can be canceled.

I don't want to live in a house of lies.

I can't do it anymore.

Is this happening, too?

BOTH: No, this is not happening.

This isn't what it looks like.

Okay, look, fine, from now on,
we are going to be open

and honest in this loft,

and that means I have some secrets

I want to get off my chest.

-I'd rather not hear.
-Nobody wants to hear these.

Schmidt, a couple months ago
I found Nick

using your chenille throw
as a napkin.

That is a microfiber blend
from Pakistan, you heathen.

-Stop quoting the catalog like a weirdo.
-Each heirloom-quality...

Good, this is healthy. Air it out.

All right, one more.

Schmidt said that Winston is in danger

of becoming a nanny for life.

He said you were going "full Poppins."

Okay, Winston,
I can see anger in your eyes.

Schmidt thinks about you sometimes

when he's making love to himself.

-What?
-One time.

What?

I thought about bangs

and your face
just appeared beneath them.

Okay, by the way,

like I'm the only one.

Nick told me it happened to him,

-like, a bunch of times.
-NICK: Winston,

the first week
you got back from Latvia,

you had a sex dream about Jess,
and she had raccoon hands.

-Dreams do not count.
-You've all thought about me

-while self-completing?
-BOTH: Yeah.

Look, Jess, it's not that big a deal.

Really, it's,

it's the sincerest form of flattery.

We're going back to keeping secrets.

When I walk through this
door and into my room,

this conversation never happened.

(SCREAMING) Oh, my God!

So, what did the
raccoon hands look like?

Oh, man, they were digging
through the garbage.

(JESS SCREAMS)

(YAWNING)

(SIGHS)

(SNIFFLES)

Oh, my God!

Do not drink my almond milk

when you spent the whole
night drinking Schmidt.

Jess, why are you dressed
like a Mexican wrestler?

Because I don't want
to live in a world with secrets.

And that means that I now know

my three roommates
have thought about me

while self-completing.

I'm gonna wear my winter clothes

until I can deal with that.

It's better than not knowing.

-Is it really better?
-Yeah.

Jess, I don't want to fight
with you anymore, okay?

I said I was sorry.

We tell each other everything.
We always have.

I've never not told you something.

That's what second base means?

Then I'm not a virgin anymore.

Is it weird that he wants me to talk
in a deep voice and call myself Kevin?

I had a dream that I killed you.

You tell me everything, all right?

I stopped telling you everything
because every time I did,

-you got so judgmental and critical.
-What?

I had to give it a try, Jess.

I mean, that was the same hand
that was inside Elmo.

Cece.

Okay, yeah, you got me.

You don't have secrets, Jess,

because you never do anything stupid.

-Look at me!
-With guys.

So, living with Spencer
for six years was not a mistake?

Cece, I'm not judging you.

It's just, Schmidt?

Judging. See what that is?

No. I'm not judging until now.

Don't look at me!

Oh, Jess, would you please!

A winter hat is not gonna
make us stop thinking

about you from time to time
when we delight ourselves.

Oh, no!

Could you guys keep it down?
I have a lady visitor.

-Hi, Nick.
-Oh, I get it.

It's actually kind of a fantasy of mine.

Can you say the
following words out loud?

"The ice roads are too dangerous!

"You're gonna have to turn back, chief."

-(KNOCK ON DOOR)
-JESS: I'm not saying that.

NICK: Okay.

I want my scarf.

It is 62 degrees out,
and I am freezing.

No. I had work. I have plans. I...

-Get in there! Come on!
-Can I just pay you for the scarf?

Fine. $25.

Twenty-five...
No, I'll help you look for it.

LENA: Nick, where'd you go?

-Are you kidding me?
-No, no. It's a bear.

There's a magic bear in there!
It's a magic bear. Just stop.

-Hey, Nick.
-Who is this?

Can I have this circle scarf?

It's my scarf.

No.

-HOLLY: It's my scarf! It's mine!
-(GASPS)

It's mine! It's mine!

Nick, I just want you to know

that I am not judging you right now.

Oh, yeah. Right, sure.

Ladies, let's not do this.

At least not with our shirts on.

Know how many things
I haven't told you?

No, I don't, because, apparently,
I don't know you at all.

Are you running a 10k tomorrow?

Who knows? Are you even
against MS anymore?

-NICK: Ow! Ow! Ow!
-Beats me!

They've stopped hitting each other,
and they're just hitting me!

All right, you want to go?
This New Year's,

I wasn't at my parents' house.
I was down in St. Barths

with a guy who might
be an arms dealer.

And my feet aren't wider than yours.

I just told you that
to make you feel better.

And when we were 10 years old,

I went to the movie My Girl

with Jessica P. before I saw it with you!

And I own a motorcycle.

Jessica P.?

Jessica freaking P.?

Oh, my God, are you crying
under there now?

No! No!

-I think you are.
-No, I am not.

-(HOLLY AND LENA YELLING)
-Everybody stop!

Wherever you are right now, just sit down!

Okay, now, Saturday

is a day for sleeping,

and damn it, you will not
take that away from me!

You, give her her scarf back.

Finders keepers is not a thing.

You, get out of my house!

-Who are you?
-Who am I?

Who am I? Well, I am Theodore K. Mullins.

And Nick is my lover on the down low.

Tell her, Nick. Tell her how it really

goes down in apartment 4D.

Oh, great Negro spiritual,

please come down and loose these chains

on this woman!

Flesh on flesh.

When the lights are off,
we are all the same.

Not true.

Dear Lord, help me, Father!

Get out of my house.

Get out of my house!

-Yeah. I'm out.
-I'm leaving.

Hey, can you give me a ride?

-Get out.
-I'm gonna stop and get a manicure.

-Do you want to...
-Okay.

You told Harpo to beat me?

Bye, guys.

You want them over me?

Over me? You...

You're sweating so much,
it looks like rain, and you...

You, you're peaking, man.

You're at the prime of your life.
That's actually...

Cece, get rid of the motorcycle!
And Jess, don't act like

you haven't thought about us
when you're going solo.

Okay? I don't work
a 9:00 to 5:00. I'm here all day.

I can hear you!

Now, go away,

because I'm having cereal.

Runners, take their marks.

Around with them

(CHEERING)

I don't want to walk
around with them

'Cause I don't want
to walk around with them

Ooh, ooh, ooh
I don't want to walk around with them

-Ooh, ooh, ooh
-(YELPS)

I don't want to walk around
with them

(CHEERING AND WHOOPING)

Why do all female runners look

like old German women
when they run?

SCHMIDT: Oh, boy, look at her glisten!

Oh, Cece.

That sports bra is doing
God's work right now.

-Two months.
-I can't stop. I got to beat Jess.

What are...
What is wrong with you, sir?

That is Cece's water!

You animal!

This thing with our girls
has gotten out of control.

WINSTON: Our girls?

Yeah, it makes me really sad

to see them fighting over me like this.

Then why are you smiling?

(PANTING) Have you guys seen Cece?

Yeah, she's way down there.

Hasn't even broken a sweat.

Jess, okay. Jess, arms up.

Arms up. I need you
long and loose like sea grass.

-Moving. Move...
-(GRUNTS)

-(WINSTON AND NICK GROAN)
-Oh, my God, why?

I'm sorry. I'm just mad at you.

My adrenaline is going.

(PANTING)

Did you make that?

-What?
-And Cece let you wear it?

What? She thought it was funny.

Cece! Cece?

-Cece!
-What's that about, man?

I think the shirt's pretty funny, no?

-Not funny at all.
-Puns are creepy

and they freak me out.

I like it.

WOMEN: Nick!
NICK: Oh, no, no, no.

I hooked up with both girls last week.

Didn't know they knew each other.

Thought they lived
in the same place.

-Why didn't you call me?
-Why didn't you tell me

you hooked up with my roommate?

I don't...

Willow, I didn't call you
because I had a family emergency.

Is everything okay?

Yes, it is.

And Megan, I didn't tell you
about Willow because

the moment we had was
so beautiful and intense,

that for a second I thought
we were the only people on the planet.

Oh. Okay.

Well, we'll see you later.

-Bye.
-NICK: Bye, guys.

-It worked.
-Where did that come from?

I don't know.
I'm trembling, but it worked.

That was so good
my pants just got tight, Nick.

Oh, God, now I hate me as much

-as I've always hated you.
-Skin.

-See, I have to do this now.
-No, you don't. Don't do it.

-Yes, I do.
-Skin.

I have to because it works.

JESS: Cece? Cece,

I can't breathe.

Cece, I know why
you didn't tell me about Schmidt, because

you like him!

-What?
-The shirt, Cece.

You thought the shirt
he made was funny.

You obviously like him.

It's the only explanation
for thinking that's funny.

God, I think you're right.

You didn't want to tell me

'cause you knew that I would know.

You weren't ready
to admit it to yourself.

(PANTING)

Can we just say
that I didn't tell you

because I'm a total bitch?
'Cause I'm way more comfortable with that.

(SOFTLY) Oh, maybe I like Schmidt.

You can't tell anyone.

Yeah. That's like a secret only I know.

Heads up. I'm peeing.

Oh, my God.

Okay, come on. We got to finish.

(SOBBING) Oh! No!

-Come on, man.
-Come on, dude!

(ALL CHATTERING)

Hey, here they come.
Here they come.

-Come on, guys!
-WINSTON: Let's go!

SCHMIDT: Come on, ladies!
NICK: Be strong!

-Come on!
-SCHMIDT: Come on, ladies!

NICK: Come on.
WINSTON: Let's go!

NICK: Come on...

-Finish strong!
-NICK: Good job, guys.

(GRUNTING)

-NICK: Winner!
-Oh, man.

Thanks for waiting, man.

Thanks for the 10 bucks.

JESS: Guess what, you guys.

My shoes are filled with blood! Oh, God.

It's time to go home.
A little help. Come on.

All right, Cece, I got her, I got her.

-All right.
-Jess, here we go.

Okay, Schmidt, grab her feet.

-All right, there we go.
-This way.

Good job, Jess.

-(JESS LAUGHS)
-Real proud of you.

What are you doing to that basil, Cece?

You trying to make it confess?

Easy with the knife, Robespierre.

I will cut off
your weaker fingers, Schmidt,

and I'm gonna start with your pinky.

You guys are adorable.

We are not adorable.

Okay? We are just two people having

casual, successful sex.

My bad.

(WHISPERS) Please.

All right. I can't stand this heat.

I gonna get out of the kitchen.

Ow. Ow.

You should really stretch, Jess.

You know, Jess thinking
that we're a cute couple is...

It's kind of a turnoff.

How do we explain to her that
this is just sex?

Mmm-hmm.

What is that?

That is shoddy workmanship
is what that is.

I'm taking you off prep.

Go clean the garbanzo beans.

-I'm taking my knife.
-Be careful with that knife.

It's from Japan.

Why? Why, Cece?

Why am I sleeping with Schmidt?

Is it a pity thing?

Is he sick?

Are you working for the government?

Damn it, he's holding you
against your will, isn't he?

If he is holding you
against your will, blink twice.

(BLOWING) Blink twice.

Are you tired of being turned on?

Hmm? You have a mole fetish?

Is it huge?

(CLEARS THROAT) I'm sorry.
Let me rephrase that.

Is it huge?