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1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,420
-(WOMAN SCREAMING ON TV)
-(SCARY MOVIE MUSIC PLAYING)
2
00:00:07,174 --> 00:00:08,300
Ooh.
3
00:00:08,383 --> 00:00:09,843
Scary movie.
4
00:00:10,427 --> 00:00:12,596
I hate scary movies.
Why are we watching this?
5
00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:14,598
We're not watching this, Jess.
6
00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:16,391
We're watching it.
7
00:00:16,808 --> 00:00:19,436
-(SCARY MOVIE MUSIC CONTINUES)
-(WOMAN CONTINUES SCREAMING)
8
00:00:19,937 --> 00:00:20,938
(GROANS)
9
00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:31,532
So fun, hanging with the dudes,
eating ice cream, watching scary movies.
10
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,992
(DEEP VOICE)
We're not scared, we're dudes.
11
00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:35,160
Shh!
12
00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:38,413
(WOMAN GRUNTING AND SCREAMING ON TV)
13
00:00:39,081 --> 00:00:40,958
(WHISPERING)
You know what we should watch?
14
00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:42,417
Have you guys ever seen Fame?
15
00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:46,046
It's about a group of dreamers
with talent to spare,
16
00:00:46,129 --> 00:00:50,133
taking New York City by storm,
one dance number at a time.
17
00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:52,511
-The cafeteria, the street...
-(SCREAMING INTENSIFIES)
18
00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:54,054
Oh! (GROANS)
19
00:00:54,137 --> 00:00:57,057
That's so much blood. It's spurting!
20
00:00:57,474 --> 00:00:59,101
Mmm, that was good.
21
00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:02,271
That guy's gonna blow himself up.
22
00:01:02,354 --> 00:01:03,564
(SINGSONGY) Wah, wah.
23
00:01:03,647 --> 00:01:05,148
Why would that guy blow himself up?
24
00:01:05,232 --> 00:01:06,775
(EXPLOSION ON TV)
25
00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:09,653
Sorry. I saw it in the theater.
26
00:01:10,487 --> 00:01:11,905
You know what else we should watch?
27
00:01:11,989 --> 00:01:13,240
An American Tail.
28
00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:16,118
It's about a little Jewish mouse
with a great big heart and a...
29
00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:18,078
-All right.
-Wait.
30
00:01:18,161 --> 00:01:19,454
Where are you guys going?
31
00:01:19,788 --> 00:01:25,210
(SINGING)
Hey, girl, whatcha doing?
32
00:01:25,294 --> 00:01:30,465
Hey, girl, where you going?
33
00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:31,633
Who's that girl?
34
00:01:31,717 --> 00:01:33,051
Who's that girl?
35
00:01:33,135 --> 00:01:34,553
Who's that girl?
36
00:01:34,636 --> 00:01:37,055
-Who's that girl?
-It's Jess!
37
00:01:42,561 --> 00:01:44,980
-Do you know where you're taking her?
-No.
38
00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:46,857
Do you need a list
of my sexiest date spots?
39
00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:49,401
It's been a while for you.
Want me to stretch you out?
40
00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:51,028
It's not a date, Schmidt.
41
00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:52,446
Actually, I don't know what it is.
42
00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:54,823
She's, uh... She's a little hard to read.
43
00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:57,618
Wouldn't it be funny
if we, like, went out? Like...
44
00:01:57,701 --> 00:01:59,453
-Do you want to go on a date?
-Yeah.
45
00:01:59,536 --> 00:02:03,248
We, like, go for dinner,
and, like, the two of us, like, do stuff.
46
00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:05,000
-Is that a yes?
-I know, right?
47
00:02:05,083 --> 00:02:06,877
-Seriously, wanna get dinner...
-No, I know.
48
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:10,506
Sometimes she's so ironic
that I think she's being serious.
49
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:14,551
I get it. Led Zeppelin is classic, but
I mean, it's no, like, Steve Miller Band.
50
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:16,595
(CHUCKLING) Steve Miller Band? The Joker?
51
00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:24,603
Oh, yeah.
No, I love The Steve Miller Band.
52
00:02:24,937 --> 00:02:27,147
Okay, look. You've been out
of the game for a while.
53
00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:29,691
I have three date packages.
They work every time.
54
00:02:29,775 --> 00:02:33,153
Package A, close-up magic, dinner, drinks.
55
00:02:33,237 --> 00:02:36,615
Package B, close-up magic, drinks.
56
00:02:36,698 --> 00:02:38,242
Package C...
57
00:02:39,743 --> 00:02:40,786
Close-up magic.
58
00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:42,579
You have a date? Fun!
59
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,456
I want to talk to you guys
about this stuff.
60
00:02:44,540 --> 00:02:45,541
With Amanda.
61
00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,167
-Schmidt.
-Amanda?
62
00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:49,127
From the bar? Whoa!
63
00:02:49,211 --> 00:02:50,295
She's a looker.
64
00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:51,839
Hatchie-matchie!
65
00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:53,590
Yeah, I know how hot she is, Jess.
66
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,551
Have you been out with anyone
since Caroline?
67
00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:56,635
No.
68
00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:59,429
Whoa! Big-deal alert.
69
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,265
Scary stuff, kids.
70
00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:02,599
Yeesh!
71
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:04,893
Falling rocks. Bridge out. Duck!
72
00:03:04,977 --> 00:03:06,228
This is why I don't talk to you.
73
00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:08,438
Nick, you're gonna be fine.
Don't worry about it.
74
00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:09,940
Just, you know, suck in the gut.
75
00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:12,609
What gut?
76
00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:14,820
The little pooch where
you keep your extra cookies.
77
00:03:19,116 --> 00:03:20,117
(EXHALES)
78
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:29,459
(EXHALES)
79
00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:33,630
(SIGHS)
80
00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:36,800
All right.
81
00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:39,011
(STEREO CLICKS ON)
82
00:03:39,428 --> 00:03:40,429
(SIGHS)
83
00:03:40,512 --> 00:03:42,181
(REGGAE SONG PLAYING)
84
00:03:44,516 --> 00:03:47,269
Well, you say with this riddim
you have a patch?
85
00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:49,813
Yellowman mend it
86
00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:53,483
And if you haffi done mend it
Me set it
87
00:03:55,152 --> 00:03:58,447
Zungguzungguguzungguzeng
88
00:03:58,530 --> 00:04:00,616
Zungguzunggugu-zungguzeng
89
00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:03,702
Seh if yuh have a paper
yuh must have a pen
90
00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:06,496
And if yuh have a start
yuh must have a end
91
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:09,374
Seh five plus five, it equal to 10
92
00:04:09,458 --> 00:04:10,709
And if yuh have goat...
93
00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:12,711
SCHMIDT: I had a lot of
adventures in this room
94
00:04:12,794 --> 00:04:14,755
while you were gone, Winston.
95
00:04:14,838 --> 00:04:16,632
(SIGHS) How'd the job interview go?
96
00:04:16,715 --> 00:04:18,383
You know, terrible.
97
00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:21,261
Did you see the JWoww retweet
and Gaga Twitpic?
98
00:04:23,472 --> 00:04:25,849
I know Word,
and I can open a document...
99
00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:30,062
Save it... (CHUCKLES)
Save as, print,
100
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:31,647
print preview...
101
00:04:31,730 --> 00:04:34,566
She just wanted to chitchat about stuff
I've never even heard of.
102
00:04:34,650 --> 00:04:35,943
You gotta get up to speed, man.
103
00:04:36,026 --> 00:04:37,528
The chitchat is the interview.
104
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:40,280
I've spent the last two years
of my life in Latvia.
105
00:04:40,364 --> 00:04:42,783
I was playing ball year round.
I didn't read the news.
106
00:04:42,866 --> 00:04:44,701
I have no idea
what happened in America.
107
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:47,162
I've got interviews tomorrow.
Fill me in. What'd I miss?
108
00:04:47,246 --> 00:04:48,789
From... From the past two years?
109
00:04:48,872 --> 00:04:50,582
-Give me the highlights.
-Highlights. Okay.
110
00:04:50,666 --> 00:04:52,334
-Uh, country's broke.
-Mmm-hmm.
111
00:04:53,085 --> 00:04:54,586
Betty White's back.
112
00:04:54,670 --> 00:04:57,172
Oh, cool, cool.
What about the rest of The Golden Girls?
113
00:04:58,090 --> 00:04:59,132
All dead, man.
114
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:03,846
Damn. You know what?
Give me your computer.
115
00:05:03,929 --> 00:05:06,014
I gotta get started, man.
I'm going in.
116
00:05:06,098 --> 00:05:08,350
(SONG CONTINUES PLAYING)
Lady Ann a yuh so take fe toy
117
00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:10,894
Playgal all dem call him joy
118
00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:13,605
Yuh nuh fe call Yellowman nuh bwoy
119
00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:16,692
Yuh nuh fe call John John nuh bwoy
120
00:05:16,775 --> 00:05:19,486
Yuh nuh fe take I and I fe bwoy
121
00:05:19,570 --> 00:05:21,405
Zungguzungguguzungguzeng
122
00:05:21,488 --> 00:05:22,489
Watch it!
123
00:05:23,407 --> 00:05:24,491
It is what it is.
124
00:05:24,575 --> 00:05:28,203
Zungguzungguguzungguzeng...
125
00:05:28,287 --> 00:05:31,164
Hey, Nick, can you turn down that music?
126
00:05:31,248 --> 00:05:33,041
'Ca Yellowman make yuh feel so fine
127
00:05:33,125 --> 00:05:36,378
Me chat all me lyric
Me chat dem in a rhyme
128
00:05:36,461 --> 00:05:39,882
Me nuh eat lime it full of a rhyme...
129
00:05:40,215 --> 00:05:41,508
Hey, Nick, can you...
130
00:05:42,301 --> 00:05:45,012
-What... What are you...
-(GIGGLY SCREAM)
131
00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:48,557
Oh, my God!
132
00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:57,357
Look at you. You're like an animal.
133
00:05:57,441 --> 00:05:58,442
What are you watching now?
134
00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:00,611
The King's Speech and Human Centipede.
135
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:04,656
Next up, Precious and David After Dentist.
136
00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:06,491
-I think you're doing a good job.
-Test me.
137
00:06:06,575 --> 00:06:09,745
Pretend this is an interview.
Hit me with the chitchat. Ask me anything.
138
00:06:09,828 --> 00:06:10,954
Chitchat. Let's go.
139
00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:13,373
-Forget it.
-Let's go! What are you waiting for, man?
140
00:06:13,457 --> 00:06:14,750
You're getting intense right now.
141
00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:17,002
-You're the intense one.
-You need to bring it down.
142
00:06:17,085 --> 00:06:19,421
(CLEARS THROAT)
Can I talk to you for a sec?
143
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:21,381
Something's happened.
144
00:06:21,757 --> 00:06:24,009
It was totally an accident.
145
00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:25,844
Not a big deal.
146
00:06:25,928 --> 00:06:28,931
I just want to do the mature thing
and come clean about it.
147
00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:33,060
But, um, I accidentally saw
Nick's pee-pee.
148
00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:34,436
-What?
-What'd she say?
149
00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:38,982
I accidentally saw Nick's pee-pee
and his bubbles.
150
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,109
-(SIGHS)
-But it's not a big deal.
151
00:06:41,193 --> 00:06:42,194
Ain't no thing.
152
00:06:42,277 --> 00:06:43,820
-(DOOR OPENS)
-Ain't no thaaang.
153
00:06:44,988 --> 00:06:47,491
-Oh, Nick, hey.
-Hey.
154
00:06:48,242 --> 00:06:50,452
So, that was weird, right?
155
00:06:50,536 --> 00:06:51,745
I'm running out the door, Jess.
156
00:06:51,828 --> 00:06:53,372
I think we should talk about it.
157
00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:54,456
Talk about what?
158
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:57,167
About me seeing...
159
00:06:57,835 --> 00:06:59,378
Your peen.
160
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:04,007
(COCKNEY ACCENT) The peen what I saw.
161
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,677
(FRENCH ACCENT) Bonjour, le peen.
162
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:07,761
You're blocking the door.
163
00:07:07,845 --> 00:07:10,806
Okay. Cool. Have fun on your date.
164
00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:12,975
Tell that guy to behave. (LAUGHS)
165
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:16,770
-The adventure begins.
-Okay. Excuse me, Jess.
166
00:07:19,565 --> 00:07:21,066
(GROANING)
167
00:07:24,653 --> 00:07:27,281
That was so horrible.
168
00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:30,909
What am I gonna do? He's never gonna
speak to me again. I'm so embarrassed.
169
00:07:30,993 --> 00:07:33,912
It's not a big deal. I've seen
Nick's stuff, like, a million times.
170
00:07:33,996 --> 00:07:35,205
You have?
171
00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:37,165
I mean...how?
172
00:07:37,249 --> 00:07:39,793
We grew up together.
Locker rooms, swimming pools,
173
00:07:39,877 --> 00:07:42,337
-penis fights... It just happens.
-Why haven't I seen it?
174
00:07:42,921 --> 00:07:45,132
-Why do you want to see it?
-He's my best friend.
175
00:07:46,049 --> 00:07:48,010
Again, why do you want to see it?
176
00:07:48,093 --> 00:07:51,305
What if Nick gets into an accident?
What if he's horribly disfigured,
177
00:07:51,388 --> 00:07:55,517
and I have to identify him, and all
that remains are his private parts?
178
00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:59,563
And I'm standing there and I'm saying,
"Sorry, Officer, I can't help you,
179
00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:02,107
"because no, I haven't seen his penis."
180
00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:04,151
And then boom, he's buried
in an unmarked grave.
181
00:08:05,319 --> 00:08:06,945
Again, why do you want to see it?
182
00:08:07,029 --> 00:08:09,031
-What did it look like?
-What do you mean?
183
00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:10,282
Just say when.
184
00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:11,533
Just sa... Serious...
185
00:08:11,617 --> 00:08:13,702
Seriously? Are you se...
Are you serious?
186
00:08:13,785 --> 00:08:16,038
(CHUCKLING) Okay, you know what,
this is impossible.
187
00:08:16,121 --> 00:08:17,372
I'm starting over.
188
00:08:18,457 --> 00:08:20,209
Schmidt, I need your help.
189
00:08:20,292 --> 00:08:23,253
Okay... All right, Jess, fine.
190
00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:24,838
What happened after you walked in?
191
00:08:24,922 --> 00:08:27,174
I don't know. I kind of laughed.
192
00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:31,178
Jess, you can't laugh at a naked man,
and especially Nick.
193
00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:34,056
Nick is delicate, like a flower.
194
00:08:34,139 --> 00:08:36,475
Like a chubby, damaged flower
who hates himself.
195
00:08:36,558 --> 00:08:40,270
Now, listen to me.
You're gonna act like this never happened.
196
00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:42,439
We live together. We're a family.
197
00:08:42,523 --> 00:08:44,149
Families talk about things.
198
00:08:44,233 --> 00:08:47,069
No. Families ignore things
until they go away.
199
00:08:48,153 --> 00:08:50,822
Hey, Mom. Hey, Mom. Hey, Mom.
I'm a bunny, Mom. Mom!
200
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:54,284
Mom, Mom, Mom.
I'm a bunny, Mom. Mom!
201
00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:56,620
No one wants to talk
about their feelings, Jess.
202
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:58,247
Never talk about this again.
203
00:08:58,330 --> 00:09:00,374
Okay. I'll ignore it.
204
00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:02,876
(SINGING)
I'm not gonna talk about...
205
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:03,961
Or sing about it.
206
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:05,254
(CONTINUES SINGING)
The bing-bong
207
00:09:05,337 --> 00:09:06,338
I'm done.
208
00:09:07,381 --> 00:09:09,132
This is my... My chambre.
209
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,760
-(BOTH LAUGH)
-What does that mean?
210
00:09:12,302 --> 00:09:14,847
You're a good kisser.
211
00:09:14,930 --> 00:09:16,765
(CHUCKLES) Can we...
Can we be serious?
212
00:09:16,849 --> 00:09:18,141
Do you mind just being serious?
213
00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:19,643
I'm gonna get serious, on your face.
214
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:21,103
(BOTH LAUGHING)
215
00:09:21,186 --> 00:09:23,939
-I have no idea what that means.
-(LAUGHING)
216
00:09:24,022 --> 00:09:26,191
Actually, let's not laugh
when you're near my penis.
217
00:09:27,025 --> 00:09:28,110
Take it off.
218
00:09:29,653 --> 00:09:30,821
Here, just take your shirt off.
219
00:09:31,154 --> 00:09:32,739
(MUSIC PLAYING)
220
00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:41,456
Can't...
221
00:09:41,874 --> 00:09:43,250
Here. Do...
222
00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:44,668
Do you want me to go first?
223
00:09:44,751 --> 00:09:47,588
You're offering just to take your...
Oh, my God!
224
00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:50,048
Look at you.
225
00:09:50,716 --> 00:09:52,426
Take off your clothes now.
226
00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:06,690
President Obama.
227
00:10:07,441 --> 00:10:08,859
Yeah, I like him to watch over me.
228
00:10:10,194 --> 00:10:13,780
Do you, like, want to take it
slow...or something?
229
00:10:16,909 --> 00:10:19,411
-This is nice.
-Yeah.
230
00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:23,248
MAN: (ON VIDEO) It's starting to
even look like a triple rainbow.
231
00:10:23,332 --> 00:10:26,001
Oh, my God, it's full-on!
232
00:10:29,171 --> 00:10:30,172
Hi, Nick.
233
00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:33,509
So I guess your date went well.
234
00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:36,011
Sleepover party.
235
00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:41,183
I have something from school that, um...
Made me think of you.
236
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:50,400
It's a Feeling Stick.
237
00:10:51,193 --> 00:10:53,529
Whoever's holding a Feeling Stick
has permission to say
238
00:10:53,612 --> 00:10:55,906
whatever he or she is feeling
without being judged.
239
00:10:56,365 --> 00:10:57,866
I'll go first. Um...
240
00:10:57,950 --> 00:11:02,704
I feel like I want to know
what you're feeling.
241
00:11:12,631 --> 00:11:14,424
Believe it or not... (CHUCKLES)
242
00:11:15,217 --> 00:11:18,262
That's not the first time
someone's broken my Feeling Stick.
243
00:11:22,099 --> 00:11:24,101
-I have a travel size.
-No.
244
00:11:24,393 --> 00:11:26,103
-Mmm-mmm.
-Nick, wait!
245
00:11:27,729 --> 00:11:29,606
Nick, we have to talk about this.
246
00:11:30,691 --> 00:11:32,317
What are you doing?
247
00:11:32,401 --> 00:11:35,028
I'm sorry I saw your doojer
and your chickadees.
248
00:11:35,112 --> 00:11:36,822
And I didn't mean to laugh. I just...
249
00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:38,282
Then why did you laugh?
250
00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:40,367
Is there something funny about it?
251
00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:41,535
No.
252
00:11:42,077 --> 00:11:43,203
Beautiful.
253
00:11:43,787 --> 00:11:44,830
Stately.
254
00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:46,206
-A real treat.
-(ELEVATOR DINGS)
255
00:11:46,290 --> 00:11:47,457
Oh, my God.
256
00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:54,381
(WHISPERING) I think it's great
you dance naked to Jamaican music.
257
00:11:54,464 --> 00:11:55,883
That's really cool.
258
00:11:55,966 --> 00:11:59,052
-You should explore your sexuality.
-(ELEVATOR DINGS)
259
00:12:00,220 --> 00:12:02,306
-Nick?
-Excuse me.
260
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,559
Come on, Nick.
I dance naked all the time.
261
00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:07,936
We have to talk about this.
262
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:11,648
Ugh! Nick!
263
00:12:13,942 --> 00:12:15,027
(SIGHS)
264
00:12:16,153 --> 00:12:17,154
(DINGS)
265
00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:18,655
(GROANS)
266
00:12:20,699 --> 00:12:22,284
Nick, please talk to me.
267
00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:23,785
Jess, there's nothing to talk about.
268
00:12:23,869 --> 00:12:25,329
You ruined my date.
269
00:12:25,412 --> 00:12:27,915
Every time I tried
to take my clothes off, Jess,
270
00:12:27,998 --> 00:12:30,083
I heard your little...
(IMITATES JESS'S CACKLE)
271
00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:31,877
Your little crazy giggle scream.
272
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:34,796
And all I want to do
is have meaningless sex
273
00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:38,800
with a beautiful woman who, yes,
talks in mind-bending riddles.
274
00:12:38,884 --> 00:12:42,387
But I can't,
because I can't get your little...
275
00:12:42,471 --> 00:12:45,849
-(SCREAMING CACKLE) Out of my head.
-(ELEVATOR DINGS)
276
00:12:48,519 --> 00:12:50,646
Well, maybe you don't want
to have meaningless sex.
277
00:12:50,729 --> 00:12:53,565
-Maybe that's not your style.
-I have a bing-bong and chickadees.
278
00:12:53,649 --> 00:12:55,275
It is my style.
279
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:57,986
Stop following me.
280
00:12:58,070 --> 00:12:59,530
Then stop running away from me.
281
00:12:59,613 --> 00:13:01,281
I just want to have
a mature conversation.
282
00:13:01,365 --> 00:13:02,866
How can we have a
mature conversation
283
00:13:02,950 --> 00:13:04,826
when you can't even
say the word "penis"?
284
00:13:04,910 --> 00:13:07,037
I can say the word "pen..."
285
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,622
-Say it.
-I...
286
00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,624
(SIGHS) Yernyas.
287
00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:12,709
-What?
-Peernis.
288
00:13:12,793 --> 00:13:13,794
You said peernis.
289
00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:15,796
(SINGING)
Penis.
290
00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:16,964
Not singing.
291
00:13:17,422 --> 00:13:19,132
(DEEP VOICE) Penis.
292
00:13:19,216 --> 00:13:20,342
Not like a ghoul.
293
00:13:20,425 --> 00:13:22,886
(CHUCKLING) I... I can say it!
294
00:13:24,513 --> 00:13:26,557
-Pianist.
-No, you said "pianist."
295
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,892
-Enispay!
-Not pig Latin.
296
00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:30,686
-Peernis.
-Okay, not in Swedish.
297
00:13:30,769 --> 00:13:32,187
-Pemo.
-Not in fake Italian.
298
00:13:32,271 --> 00:13:34,314
(SHRIEKING) Penis!
299
00:13:34,398 --> 00:13:35,399
Shut up!
300
00:13:36,650 --> 00:13:38,694
-Say it with me. Pe...
-Pe...
301
00:13:38,777 --> 00:13:40,654
...nis.
...neers.
302
00:13:40,737 --> 00:13:42,531
Yeah, I'm the one that's immature.
303
00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:44,241
(NICK SIGHS)
304
00:13:48,787 --> 00:13:49,788
(SNIFFS)
305
00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:54,751
-Hey, man.
-Ahhh!
306
00:13:54,835 --> 00:13:56,253
I'm the only one who hasn't seen it.
307
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:57,838
-What?
-Just the gun.
308
00:13:58,547 --> 00:14:00,007
-No.
-Just the roses.
309
00:14:00,090 --> 00:14:02,676
-What?
-Just the hub, where it connects.
310
00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,428
-Get out.
-Fine!
311
00:14:04,678 --> 00:14:06,930
-I thought we were best friends.
-We are.
312
00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:08,182
Apparently not.
313
00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:11,977
-Best friends don't do this, Schmidt.
-They do it all the time.
314
00:14:15,439 --> 00:14:17,983
-You laughed?
-Yeah, I couldn't help it.
315
00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:20,277
Did you freak out and make that noise?
316
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,321
What? I don't always make a noise.
317
00:14:24,072 --> 00:14:25,908
(GIGGLES, CACKLES)
318
00:14:27,618 --> 00:14:31,246
Fine. I guess I missed the moment
when everybody got cool about sex.
319
00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:35,459
I really messed up.
320
00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:37,461
Ah, guys are simple.
321
00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:39,796
You know what I would do?
I would just make it even.
322
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:42,216
You've seen his, show him yours.
323
00:14:42,299 --> 00:14:44,218
(SIGHS) No.
324
00:14:44,301 --> 00:14:46,011
I can't do that.
325
00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:47,971
Hey, Winston.
326
00:14:48,639 --> 00:14:49,806
Oh, no.
327
00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:51,391
Oh, man. The interview?
328
00:14:51,475 --> 00:14:55,229
-Did you mess up?
-No, I didn't mess up.
329
00:14:55,312 --> 00:14:56,939
Killed it. I was amazing.
330
00:14:57,022 --> 00:15:00,901
At one point, I was on the outside
of my body watching myself be amazing.
331
00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:02,986
-That's a good thing, right?
-The woman asked me
332
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:05,113
why I wanted to sell medical supplies.
333
00:15:05,489 --> 00:15:06,657
I had no answer.
334
00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:11,620
I've done anything
but play basketball my entire life.
335
00:15:11,703 --> 00:15:14,039
"Winston Bishop is
an American basketball player
336
00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:18,836
"who played professionally in Latvia,
and he loves ducks."
337
00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:21,880
Winston, did you write
the part about the ducks?
338
00:15:22,381 --> 00:15:25,259
-I don't even like ducks that much, man.
-Oh, okay. Look, man.
339
00:15:25,342 --> 00:15:27,928
You got to get off Wikipedia, all right?
You're going crazy.
340
00:15:28,011 --> 00:15:30,556
I was the guy who was good enough
to play in Latvia.
341
00:15:30,639 --> 00:15:31,640
(SCHMIDT SIGHS)
342
00:15:31,723 --> 00:15:34,935
And then one day,
I don't know, man, I just lost it.
343
00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:37,396
They found another black guy.
(SCOFFS)
344
00:15:37,479 --> 00:15:40,023
Labak melno virietis.
345
00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:42,442
-Means "The better black guy."
-A better melno?
346
00:15:42,526 --> 00:15:44,486
-You're the best melno.
-I don't know, man.
347
00:15:44,570 --> 00:15:46,029
I just don't know what comes next.
348
00:15:46,113 --> 00:15:47,614
You know what you do next? Get up.
349
00:15:47,698 --> 00:15:48,824
Let's get up. Come on, buddy.
350
00:15:48,907 --> 00:15:51,952
We'll get you out of the house,
get you moving. It's gonna feel good.
351
00:15:52,035 --> 00:15:54,079
Whoo! This feels good.
352
00:15:54,162 --> 00:15:56,081
(OUT OF BREATH) Totally. I love it.
353
00:15:56,540 --> 00:15:59,001
You know, I think I was just scared, man.
354
00:15:59,084 --> 00:16:01,211
I've been playing basketball
my whole entire life.
355
00:16:01,295 --> 00:16:02,504
What if I was wasting my time?
356
00:16:02,588 --> 00:16:04,923
Maybe I should have been
figuring out my life like you.
357
00:16:05,007 --> 00:16:06,884
(LAUGHS) I don't have
anything figured out.
358
00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:08,719
I'm a fully-grown man with roommates.
359
00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:10,971
I have a stupid job. I'm single.
360
00:16:11,054 --> 00:16:12,973
My best friend won't even
let me see his penis.
361
00:16:13,056 --> 00:16:16,685
I mean, my whole life is a sham. (GROANS)
362
00:16:16,768 --> 00:16:18,770
I actually feel a lot better.
363
00:16:18,854 --> 00:16:21,023
-Thanks, Schmidt.
-(GASPING)
364
00:16:21,106 --> 00:16:22,566
Winston, my legs!
365
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,359
-Schmidt?
-My legs are seizing up.
366
00:16:24,443 --> 00:16:26,570
-Schmidt!
-I hate my life. I hate my...
367
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:29,698
Making new discoveries.
I'm a fear-based person, apparently.
368
00:16:29,781 --> 00:16:31,325
Stop it. Go. I need a...
369
00:16:31,408 --> 00:16:33,327
Give me a hug, please. 911.
370
00:16:33,410 --> 00:16:34,870
Ow. Ow.
371
00:16:39,082 --> 00:16:40,167
Hey.
372
00:16:40,501 --> 00:16:41,502
Hey.
373
00:16:41,835 --> 00:16:43,754
I'm sorry about last night, Amanda.
374
00:16:43,837 --> 00:16:46,548
So you're...
You're, like, super into cuddling.
375
00:16:46,924 --> 00:16:49,176
No, I'm not super into cuddling.
376
00:16:49,801 --> 00:16:52,804
I'm just getting out of a relationship,
and I think I got nervous.
377
00:16:54,389 --> 00:16:59,019
I've heard that I'm not great at talking
about what I'm feeling all the time,
378
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:01,939
and so I'm sorry about last night.
379
00:17:02,356 --> 00:17:03,482
Honesty.
380
00:17:05,526 --> 00:17:06,652
I like that.
381
00:17:14,618 --> 00:17:15,619
(SIGHS)
382
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:16,954
(DOOR SLAMS)
383
00:17:20,624 --> 00:17:22,793
-NICK: Really nice.
-(AMANDA CHUCKLING)
384
00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:24,169
AMANDA: Oh, yeah?
385
00:17:27,631 --> 00:17:28,882
NICK: Here we go.
386
00:17:28,966 --> 00:17:30,634
AMANDA: Oh, yeah!
NICK: You're so hot.
387
00:17:30,717 --> 00:17:32,302
I can't believe you're into me.
388
00:17:32,386 --> 00:17:34,263
-BOTH: Okay.
-(AMANDA PANTING)
389
00:17:34,346 --> 00:17:35,806
-Yeah.
-All right. Wow.
390
00:17:35,889 --> 00:17:37,599
-AMANDA: Yeah.
-Oh, wow, this is happening.
391
00:17:37,683 --> 00:17:40,060
-Take off your pants. Take off your pants!
-Okay, okay.
392
00:17:40,143 --> 00:17:41,895
-Take your pants off.
-Take them off?
393
00:17:41,979 --> 00:17:43,605
-Yeah. Take them off.
-You want me to?
394
00:17:43,689 --> 00:17:45,691
-Okay. Want me to take these off?
-Yeah.
395
00:17:45,774 --> 00:17:47,401
-Lights on, pants off. Here we go.
-Okay.
396
00:17:47,484 --> 00:17:48,861
-Okay.
-Okay.
397
00:17:48,944 --> 00:17:51,363
NICK: Oh, I'm totally
cool with this. (LAUGHS)
398
00:17:51,864 --> 00:17:54,199
-Yeah.
-(EXHALES) Okay. All right.
399
00:17:54,283 --> 00:17:55,993
-Good. (CHUCKLES)
-Okay.
400
00:17:58,287 --> 00:17:59,496
(SHOUTING) What are you doing?
401
00:17:59,580 --> 00:18:01,748
(SHOUTING) What is... Who is that?
402
00:18:01,832 --> 00:18:04,459
(JESS AND AMANDA SCREAMING)
403
00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,254
NICK: What are you doing?
404
00:18:11,967 --> 00:18:16,013
Hi. I'm Jess. Welcome to our home.
405
00:18:17,514 --> 00:18:18,640
(DOOR SLAMS)
406
00:18:22,311 --> 00:18:24,354
We live in a world with rules.
407
00:18:24,897 --> 00:18:26,940
We knock. We have doors.
408
00:18:27,024 --> 00:18:29,818
And we knock on those doors.
409
00:18:29,902 --> 00:18:31,820
-I'm sorry, Nick.
-Just knock!
410
00:18:31,904 --> 00:18:33,113
(NICK SIGHS)
411
00:18:36,909 --> 00:18:39,161
Nick... I...
412
00:18:39,244 --> 00:18:41,288
-Put that down.
-But we have to talk...
413
00:18:41,371 --> 00:18:42,623
Nothing to talk about.
414
00:18:45,584 --> 00:18:49,379
I feel that Nick is not
honoring the Feeling Stick.
415
00:18:52,508 --> 00:18:54,343
I feel me, too.
416
00:18:56,220 --> 00:18:59,097
I feel Schmidt's had
a particularly bad day,
417
00:18:59,181 --> 00:19:02,434
and I feel that if Nick is
truly Schmidt's friend,
418
00:19:02,518 --> 00:19:04,561
he would show Schmidt
what's in his pants.
419
00:19:06,188 --> 00:19:07,356
I feel supported.
420
00:19:07,439 --> 00:19:10,400
(SHOUTING) What is going on with you two?
421
00:19:10,484 --> 00:19:11,818
What are you doing?
422
00:19:13,278 --> 00:19:14,488
I feel Nick is yelling.
423
00:19:14,571 --> 00:19:15,739
Stop it!
424
00:19:17,032 --> 00:19:18,116
(DOOR SLAMS)
425
00:19:19,868 --> 00:19:24,248
Yo. I just wanted to thank you
for taking me running.
426
00:19:24,331 --> 00:19:26,041
Made me feel a lot better.
427
00:19:26,124 --> 00:19:29,795
Now, I might not have a job or anything,
but at least I can run a mile. (CHUCKLES)
428
00:19:29,878 --> 00:19:33,173
I mean, watching you try to run,
yeah, that was just pathetic.
429
00:19:33,257 --> 00:19:34,258
I needed that.
430
00:19:34,341 --> 00:19:36,593
I suffer from exercise-induced asthma.
431
00:19:36,677 --> 00:19:38,387
Do you suffer
from exercise-induced crying?
432
00:19:38,470 --> 00:19:40,889
It's a real thing, man, okay? EIA.
433
00:19:40,973 --> 00:19:43,016
You know what I learned
from the Internet?
434
00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:44,852
We got nothing to worry about.
435
00:19:45,227 --> 00:19:47,271
Everybody has their moment.
436
00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:50,399
We might get a cat one day.
That cat might play the keyboard.
437
00:19:50,482 --> 00:19:52,067
A bear might fall on our trampoline.
438
00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:54,528
We don't need to have it
figured out right now.
439
00:19:55,946 --> 00:19:57,364
Our moments will come.
440
00:19:59,491 --> 00:20:00,659
SCHMIDT: Hey, man.
441
00:20:01,326 --> 00:20:02,995
Let's keep bro'ing out.
442
00:20:03,787 --> 00:20:04,955
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
443
00:20:05,706 --> 00:20:06,707
Come in.
444
00:20:08,500 --> 00:20:11,128
Jess, you don't have to knock
once you're in the room.
445
00:20:14,548 --> 00:20:16,008
I worked on something for you.
446
00:20:16,592 --> 00:20:17,759
All right.
447
00:20:20,762 --> 00:20:21,847
Penis.
448
00:20:23,765 --> 00:20:24,766
Very good.
449
00:20:25,142 --> 00:20:26,143
Thank you.
450
00:20:26,727 --> 00:20:28,353
Um, so did Amanda call you back?
451
00:20:28,437 --> 00:20:29,980
No, I don't see Amanda
calling me back.
452
00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:31,064
I'm sorry.
453
00:20:31,565 --> 00:20:33,275
It's okay. Maybe you were right.
454
00:20:33,358 --> 00:20:36,361
Maybe I'm not ready
for meaningless sex with beautiful women.
455
00:20:37,571 --> 00:20:39,281
Well, you know, maybe when you are,
456
00:20:39,364 --> 00:20:42,576
you'll be able to show her
your other penis.
457
00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:44,411
Your heart penis.
458
00:20:44,494 --> 00:20:46,121
-Get out of my room.
-Okay.
459
00:20:46,538 --> 00:20:48,207
Hey, um... (LAUGHS)
460
00:20:48,290 --> 00:20:54,838
When I was, um, leaving in a hurry,
um, did you see...
461
00:20:56,757 --> 00:20:57,758
Everything?
462
00:20:58,217 --> 00:20:59,218
Yup.
463
00:20:59,843 --> 00:21:02,346
Even my...gumbo pot?
464
00:21:02,888 --> 00:21:05,390
Ugh! Gumbo pot? Get out.
465
00:21:05,849 --> 00:21:07,017
(DOOR CLOSES)
466
00:21:16,693 --> 00:21:17,945
(SHOWER RUNNING)
467
00:21:20,197 --> 00:21:21,490
Get out, Schmidt.
468
00:21:21,740 --> 00:21:23,867
SCHMIDT: I'm the only one
who hasn't seen it.
33871
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