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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:08,000
This programme contains strong
language and adult content
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00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:10,720
Statistics show that one in every
one people will eventually die.
3
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:14,360
But... it's shit when they're 56,
and your dad,
4
00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:16,880
and the only one who knew
the Sky Movies PIN.
5
00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:22,040
Now, this isn't me.
I looked nothing like this at 17,
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00:00:22,080 --> 00:00:24,120
but if you can't cast yourself
as better looking
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00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:26,320
in your own life-story,
then what's the point?
8
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:29,520
So for all intents and purposes,
we are both me.
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Hi. I'm Jack.
10
00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:34,120
And this is my mum, Peggy.
11
00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:37,240
She's like a cross between Gwen
from Gavin And Stacey
12
00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:40,200
and Pam from... Gavin and Stacey,
13
00:00:40,240 --> 00:00:43,760
which means she's the sort of woman
who jumps when the doorbell rings.
14
00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:46,640
DOORBELL RINGS
What the fuck is that?!
15
00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:50,840
And that first year without Dad
was... weird.
16
00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:53,160
Our neighbours showed that they
cared
17
00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:55,960
by discreetly dumping lasagnes
on the doorstep,
18
00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:59,880
like unwanted babies. Tracy Brooks
from number 18 was my favourite,
19
00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:01,920
but Mum reckoned
she bought it from Costco.
20
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,360
Oh, keep the dish. I've plenty more.
21
00:01:04,400 --> 00:01:07,280
HE SIGHS We took in 26 in total.
22
00:01:07,320 --> 00:01:10,240
Then it took me 57 days
to even have a wank,
23
00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:12,280
mainly cos everyone
kept saying things like...
24
00:01:12,320 --> 00:01:16,320
He'll always be watching over you.
Keeping an eye out.
Looking down on you.
25
00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:18,800
Poor bloke didn't even know
I was a gay,
26
00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:22,400
and now he could see me bash 'em out
over lookalikes like Cantona.
27
00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:25,080
Mum soon worried
we'd comfort-eat too much,
28
00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:27,600
sat on our arses watching telly,
so...
29
00:01:28,840 --> 00:01:31,000
..we went a bit mad
in the January sales.
30
00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:33,560
You all right? Ever since
we'd found out Dad was ill,
31
00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:36,200
me and Peggy had stuck together
like Phillip Schofield
32
00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:40,200
and Holly Willoughby.
But... deep down, we were sad,
33
00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:43,000
like Eamonn and Ruth,
so we'd take it in turns
34
00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:46,360
to look after each other.
I'd read feminist literature
35
00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:48,840
on what it's like
to become an early widow,
36
00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:51,720
and she'd read me the TV guide
any time I had a panic attack.
37
00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:55,120
"8:30 PM. Nicole Kidman has
no memory of the last decade,
38
00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:59,280
leaving husband Colin Firth to
explain daily who he is, till a...
39
00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:01,160
surretitus...
40
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:03,040
surra-..."
Surreptitious!
41
00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:05,480
.."surreptitious gift
of a video camera
42
00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:07,680
helps piece together her past."
43
00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:09,920
Ahhh. That's nice.
44
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:12,960
My cousin Shannon and Nanny Bingo
would often drop by
45
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:16,800
to play the ITV classic, Golden
Balls, the official board game.
46
00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:19,080
Deliberation... over.
20 grand's at stake.
47
00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:21,520
You've each selected split or steal.
On the count of three,
48
00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:24,400
reveal your balls.
Uno, dos, a-trefe.
49
00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:27,920
SHE CACKLES That's well harsh.
50
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:31,560
It's Jack's 18th. Shannon, my son's
just dropped dead with cancer.
51
00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:34,080
If I wanna steal 20K,
I'll steal 20K.
52
00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:35,600
OK?
53
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:39,000
No-one in our family even had GCSEs,
54
00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:42,640
let alone A levels.
So when I got three As
55
00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:44,840
and into the local uni
on a journalism scholarship,
56
00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:47,320
it was a big win for the team.
57
00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:49,640
THEY LAUGH I knew you'd do it.
58
00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:51,480
And then...
59
00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:53,480
this day came...
60
00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:56,200
DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE
61
00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:58,680
..and I just couldn't get
out of bed...
62
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,760
..for ages.
63
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:06,200
To cheer us up, Mum got me a fish
named after my favourite journalist,
64
00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:09,440
but even that wasn't enough.
65
00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,840
Mum rang uni,
who let me defer a year,
66
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:14,160
and so... I just had to wait.
67
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:17,320
FUNKY, FAST-PACED INCIDENTAL MUSIC
68
00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:28,400
Careful!
69
00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:31,240
ALL CHEER AND SHOUT
70
00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:43,920
My dad's cab was the only thing
big enough for all my stuff.
71
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:46,240
Mum had started driving it,
which was very sweet,
72
00:03:46,280 --> 00:03:48,280
but almost certainly illegal.
73
00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:49,880
Hiya! I'm Jules!
74
00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:53,120
Jules loved uni so much she got a
job in the student union,
75
00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:56,680
forgot she was ever studying
Mandarin, and has never left.
76
00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:59,040
Welcome to the best three years
of your life,
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00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:01,200
and that's just for your mum.
JULES LAUGHS
78
00:04:01,240 --> 00:04:03,240
Can I have your name?
Jack Rooke.
79
00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:06,280
Jack Rooke. OK. OK, OK, OK, OK.
80
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:12,720
Erm, right. OK. Now, we do have
a little bit of a situation, right.
81
00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:14,760
Um, you won't be in halls
straight away,
82
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,640
but we do have some alternative
accommodation on site. OK?
83
00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:20,600
Why ain't he movin' in here?
No, we just need to renovate
84
00:04:20,640 --> 00:04:22,760
some of the rooms
because of the leaks. Leaks?!
85
00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,480
Yeah, but don't worry. It's not
water damage. Just a bit of gas.
86
00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:30,840
OK, guys, do you wanna follow me?
JULES LAUGHS
87
00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:33,080
This way.
88
00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:37,160
LIVELY, SURREAL INCIDENTAL MUSIC
89
00:04:37,200 --> 00:04:39,960
All right? Right, gang.
90
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,800
Er, right. Have I lost you?
Are you there?
91
00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:47,040
There you are. SINGING: It's your
first day, it's your first day!
92
00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:49,560
SHE PANTS
Right. Sorry.
93
00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:51,920
It's actually a lot...
lot further than I thought.
94
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,720
SHE LAUGHS
Well, welcome. Bienvenue.
95
00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,120
Han yang.
SHE LAUGHS
96
00:04:57,160 --> 00:05:00,520
OK? Tell me this is a fucking joke.
It's a joke.
97
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:04,800
No, I'm j-... I'm joking.
No, it's your accommodation.
98
00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:06,440
Fuck sake!
99
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:08,480
All right.
Let's get you settled in, shall we?
100
00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:10,640
Oh, sorry.
Um, Jack, meet, um, Danny.
101
00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:12,960
Danny, meet Jack.
Hello. We just thought
102
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,920
we'd put you two mature students
together. Yeah, lovely!
103
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:18,760
I... I only deferred one year.
I'm... I'm 19.
104
00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:22,040
Yeah, I'm...
I'm a bit older than that, but...
105
00:05:22,080 --> 00:05:24,360
You're 25!Yeah!
SHE LAUGHS
106
00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:27,160
I know that.
Have you been to Center Parcs?
107
00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:30,200
It's quite Center Parcs-esque, isn't
it? It's lovely. Yeah. Great. OK.
108
00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:32,600
All right. Better go.
No rest, work and all that.
109
00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:34,400
See you later, Mum!
JULES LAUGHS
110
00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:37,000
PEGGY, UNENTHUSIASTICALLY: Bye.
Bye!
111
00:05:37,040 --> 00:05:40,600
Bloody 'ell. Here, "Jack and Danny".
112
00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:44,720
Cockney rhyming slang
for fanny, innit? Oh!
113
00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:47,360
PEGGY AND DANNY LAUGH
114
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,640
ELECTRICITY BUZZES
115
00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:52,440
Ah, shit!
116
00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:56,240
On the scale of injustice,
117
00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:58,800
this felt like when Gamu didn't get
through to the live shows
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00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:01,480
on X Factor.
119
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:06,360
We decided to decorate
this ex-classroom
120
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:09,920
exactly like my room at home.
Mum had got the idea
121
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:13,240
off Paul O'Grady's Love Of Dogs,
cos Battersea recommend it
122
00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:15,480
for any newly-housed pet
going through trauma.
123
00:06:15,520 --> 00:06:18,440
And I just put a little bowl
of Bombay mix here
124
00:06:18,480 --> 00:06:22,000
in case you get any guests. Mum!
No-one is gonna wanna eat Bombay
mix.
125
00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:24,320
Well, it's just a nice touch, innit?
126
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,600
LOUD, FAST-PACED ROCK MUSIC PLAYS
127
00:06:34,840 --> 00:06:36,840
ROCK MUSIC PLAYING IN BACKGROUND
128
00:06:36,880 --> 00:06:40,800
Before I go, I've got to give you
this, from your old man, for you
129
00:06:40,840 --> 00:06:42,840
on your first day at uni.
130
00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:45,160
But he didn't even know
if I'd get in.
131
00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:48,160
Oh, come off it. We all knew
you'd get in, you fucking geek.
132
00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:50,320
THEY LAUGH
133
00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:53,560
But, no, you're right. He did write
two versions just in case.
134
00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:01,000
HE SIGHS
135
00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:03,520
I really do miss him, Mum.
136
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,240
Two years tomorrow.
137
00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:09,520
SHE CHUCKLES UNSTEADILY
138
00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:11,160
Mad!
139
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:15,600
I'd often try not to cry aloud.
Not cos I wanted to be macho,
140
00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:18,640
just cos my cry sounds like
Jimmy Carr's laugh.
141
00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:22,640
HE WAILS / SOBS
WITH "AH, HA-HA-HA-HA" SOUND
142
00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:27,480
JACK CONTINUES TO CRY
WITH LAUGHING, WAILING SOUND
143
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:31,200
HE CONTINUES TO SOB
144
00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:34,400
Oh, come on. This is a happy moment.
145
00:07:34,440 --> 00:07:37,040
Get to know that Danny lad.
Seems nice.
146
00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:40,080
He looks like
a Take Me Out contestant.
147
00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:42,280
Well, I'd keep MY light on for him.
148
00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:45,920
Ahhh,
hope you meet a lovely girl here.
149
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:49,920
Be nice for you to be the one with
a girlfriend for once, wouldn't it?
150
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:53,000
When I was nine, Mum winced watching
Todd Grimshaw kiss Nick Tilsley
151
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,240
in Corrie, so I daredn't say.
152
00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:58,680
Mum, will people think I fancy
if I hang her above my bed instead?
153
00:08:00,440 --> 00:08:02,440
Nah. Poor girl's got enough
on her plate
154
00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,280
without YOU fancying her.
SHE LAUGHS
155
00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:06,440
SHE GASPS / SHE AND JACK EXCLAIM
Oh, my...!
156
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:11,000
Oh, shit! That's a window!
Sorry about that, Danny!
157
00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:13,800
Mum! Sorry, Jack's mum!
Don't worry!
158
00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:16,080
We've all got to de-stress somehow!
159
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:19,200
Oh, well, look, we'll have you
round ours for dinner sometime!
160
00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:22,160
Do you like lasagne?
Yeah, I love lasagne!
161
00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:27,160
DOOR CLICKS Oh, God!
162
00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:31,080
Make sure you check for skid marks
before you do your laundry. Yes!
163
00:08:31,120 --> 00:08:34,560
And don't forget to change
the fish-bowl water. Yes.
164
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:41,400
I'd hate for Alison Hammond to die
in a pool of her own shit. Yes.
165
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,600
HE SIGHS
166
00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:48,360
I love you.
167
00:08:48,400 --> 00:08:50,560
You sure you're gonna be OK?
168
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,480
I love you too, my babe.
169
00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:59,800
SHE STARTS ENGINE
170
00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:06,040
And that was it.
171
00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:09,040
After a year of watching
Jeremy Kyle, This Morning
172
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:11,440
and Loose Women religiously
together,
173
00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:13,720
I'd finally left my mum.
174
00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:16,200
And even though
she was ten minutes up the road,
175
00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,680
I suddenly felt
a million miles from home.
176
00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:20,880
SONG: If I Leave Here Tomorrow
by Lynyrd Skynyrd
177
00:09:20,920 --> 00:09:25,400
♪ If I leave here tomorrow
SHE SINGS ALONG
178
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:27,800
SHE SOBS
179
00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:32,120
♪ Would you still remember me?
180
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:33,960
HORN BEEPS Oh, mate!
181
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,800
You are right up my fucking arse!
182
00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:39,920
♪ For I must be travellin'... ♪
183
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:42,960
JAUNTY, FUNKY INCIDENTAL MUSIC
184
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:45,040
DANNY LAUGHS
185
00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:48,680
Yes, lad. You got the beers in.
Like it.
186
00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:52,640
Oh, no. I've got some ravioli.
Oh, is it? Nice!
187
00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:55,240
IN ITALIAN ACCENT:
"It's Dolmio day!"
188
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:57,440
I love those guys.
189
00:09:57,480 --> 00:09:59,520
Oh, mate!
190
00:09:59,560 --> 00:10:01,880
I'm so sorry,
what you and your mum saw.
191
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:04,040
It's fine. We weren't watching.
DANNY LAUGHS
192
00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:06,480
Your mum was havin' a little peek.
193
00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:10,120
This is decent! Heads up.
Oh, jeez. Don't really drink beer.
194
00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:13,240
Ooh! Cantona, Man U. Nice!
195
00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:16,200
Er, yeah. I only really know of him
as an actor.
196
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:18,560
He gets his willy out in the film
You And The Night.
197
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:20,360
It's very artistic.
198
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,800
Oh, little bit of Bombay mix!
HE BEATBOXES
199
00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:25,360
Don't mind if I do. Mm. Ugh!
200
00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:30,400
That's rough. So, what's the POA
for tonight, fresher?
201
00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,720
What?
Plan of action.
202
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:35,440
Probably have an early one.
Yeah, me too.
203
00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:37,840
HE CHUCKLES
204
00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:40,440
You joking?
205
00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:43,800
Mate, it's fresher's night.
There's fit birds to meet.
206
00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:46,480
Spent a long day travelling, so...
What? You live in Watford!
207
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,840
You told me.
It's, like, 15 minutes up the road.
208
00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:52,040
Bruv, come on. You can't expect me
to go there bareback on my tod.
209
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:54,200
I need a wingman.
Sorry. I...
210
00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:56,360
Not tonight.
211
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:02,680
OK. All right, cool.
212
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,160
Enjoy your meal-for-one.
213
00:11:08,880 --> 00:11:11,360
Fuck!
DOOR CLICKS
214
00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:14,320
Once I was finally alone,
I took on the rite of passage
215
00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:18,720
destined for people like me.
I went to download Grindr.
216
00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:21,320
But then...
217
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:34,360
JACK'S DAD: "Little man,
oh, don't be disappointed
218
00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:37,720
you ain't got into uni.
Probably full of tossers anyway!"
219
00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:40,200
"No-one we know's gone,
and WE'VE all ended up OK."
220
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:42,360
Yeah.
She'd given me the wrong letter.
221
00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:44,560
"I hope Shannon's tag's off now."
222
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:48,200
"So go out there,
meet folk, find a job,
223
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:50,360
and here's the score."
224
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,640
"Get a round in."
JACK'S DAD LAUGHS
225
00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:55,680
"Proud always. Dad."
226
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:02,680
SONG: Don't Burst My Bubble
by Small World
227
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:04,640
♪ Uh-oh...
228
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:06,280
BEAT BUILDS FAST AND DROPS
229
00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:09,040
♪ Uh-oh, you're in trouble
230
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:12,320
♪ I step up in the game
and I burst that bubble
231
00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:13,880
♪ Uh-oh... ♪
232
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:17,080
That is quite a fleece.
It's called a Borg jacket.
233
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:19,600
That is a fleece.
It's not a fleece.
234
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,720
It WAS a fleece.
They weren't trendy in 2013,
235
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:25,200
whereas nowadays
everyone's wearing 'em.
236
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:28,280
Right. One sec.
Wallet, phone, mouthwash...
237
00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:30,640
Do you want some mouthwash?
I'm OK.
238
00:12:30,680 --> 00:12:32,960
Cool. So, what's your type, Jacky?
239
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,360
Like what? Blood?
240
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:37,600
Yeah, blood. No, girls!
241
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:40,000
Oh! Er, I don't really have one.
242
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:42,120
HE CHUCKLES
I say that sometimes.
243
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:44,280
Right.
DANNY GRUNTS
244
00:12:44,320 --> 00:12:47,200
Ohhhhhh! Come on, fleecey.
245
00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:50,200
And so, after a year
spent mainly in bed
246
00:12:50,240 --> 00:12:53,800
eating Rustlers microwave burgers
and watching Tumblr porn,
247
00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:57,320
I suddenly found myself
surrounded... by this.
248
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:59,400
DANCE MUSIC POUNDS
249
00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:01,520
GIRLS SCREAM
250
00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:03,840
MUSIC CONTINUES TO BLARE AND POUND
251
00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:07,920
THEY SPEAK UNDER MUSIC
252
00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:18,320
There you go, bruv.
253
00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:22,040
Oh, well! If it ain't Dick and Dom
in the bungalow!
254
00:13:22,080 --> 00:13:24,680
Free condom?
Ooh, yeah. Go on.
255
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,760
Are you sure?
256
00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:28,760
I mean, look, no pressure,
but trust me,
257
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:30,800
you don't wanna be caught
with no johnnies
258
00:13:30,840 --> 00:13:32,920
on Brent Uni fresher's night.
259
00:13:32,960 --> 00:13:35,280
I learnt the hard way back in '03.
260
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:39,200
What, you used to study here?
Class of Y2K, baby.
261
00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:43,240
Yeah. See, that's what this place
does. It, like, led me on the path
262
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:45,400
to my dream job.
Wow! Great. Look, so,
263
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:47,960
when roughly do you think
we're gonna get rooms in halls?
264
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:51,760
Oh, yeah. Um, really sad to say,
but defs not gonna haps.
265
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:55,720
What? Jules, you said that the shed
was temporary.
266
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:57,800
Hmm...
SHE LAUGHS
267
00:13:57,840 --> 00:14:01,440
Fuck! But halls is, like,
the best thing about uni.
268
00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,480
Yeah.
The halls here are amazing, as well.
269
00:14:03,520 --> 00:14:06,840
I had the best year of my life!
I mean, apart from the fact
270
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,960
I had to live with a jihadist, but
he sort of kept himself to himself,
271
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,600
really. Oh, er, this is Ash.
Have you met Ash?
272
00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:15,200
He's my right-hand man assistant.
273
00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:18,960
Caught any scamps doing drugs?
No! This lot seem a good bunch.
274
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:22,280
Oh, lush. All right, crew.
I'll see you later.
275
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:26,880
Oh, yes. Time for a tres sours
ice pup, methinks.
276
00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:30,120
See ya.
MUSIC POUNDS IN BACKGROUND
277
00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:35,640
You guys having fun?
Er, well, we just got here, so...
278
00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:38,280
Need any gear, hit me up.
279
00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:44,120
Ahhh.
280
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:47,160
All I ask is for your... discretion.
281
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,240
OK.
All right.
282
00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:52,480
VOICEOVER: Aside from chatting
to drug dealers,
the main purpose of fresher's
283
00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:56,160
seemed to be finding the fittest
person to use your free condoms on.
284
00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:59,000
Right. Get your best chat ready.
Right. We're going over.
285
00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:01,920
No. I'm OK.
Come on. Please! Please D.
286
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:05,480
Never have I ever
taken it up the arse.
287
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:10,880
Er, never have I ever
enjoyed this game.
288
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:14,160
Never have I ever seen
such a table full of treasure.
289
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:16,960
SHE LAUGHS
Aye. Fuck off.
290
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,520
What?
What's your name?
291
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:23,400
I'm Danny. Debs. These are
my halls mates, Pandora and Karen.
292
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:25,480
Hello. You all right?
Kar-IN!
293
00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:28,080
This is Jack. Say hello, Jack.
Say hello, Jack.
294
00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:30,280
Hello!
295
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:33,320
You take the one on the right.
No, thank you.
296
00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:35,760
What? How did she hear that?
I can lip-read.
297
00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:39,360
Why are you looking at my lips,
darling? Just always checking
for gobshites, "darling".
298
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:45,040
Hey. It's this one's turn,
and she is being frigid as FUCK!
299
00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:48,320
SHE LAUGHS I'm not frigid!
300
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:50,400
Seriously, I'm not frigid.
301
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:54,280
Hey. She's posh totty, Danny.
Oh, nice!
302
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:56,320
OK, wait. I'm actually, like...
303
00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:58,720
My dad is working-class.
304
00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:00,960
You can't call yourself
working-class
305
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:03,480
unless you've badly burned the roof
of your mouth on a Greggs.
306
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:06,120
Mm! Right. See that burn there?
307
00:16:06,160 --> 00:16:08,280
Steak Bake.
308
00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,240
Steak Bake?
Yeah.
309
00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:13,000
OK. I've never actually been
to Greggs,
310
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:15,120
but that doesn't make me
a bad person.
311
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:17,720
No-one said it did, pet. But I bet
you've never put a Ginsters
312
00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,720
in the microwave.
No.
313
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:22,800
OK, wait! I've got it! Oh, my God.
314
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:26,720
Never have I ever lived somewhere
with a microwave.
315
00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:29,040
Er... until today.
316
00:16:29,080 --> 00:16:31,080
SHE LAUGHS Guilty.
317
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:34,600
Wait. What?
How'd you cook beans, then?
318
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:38,640
On the hob. Next you'll be telling
us you cook eggs in the oven.
319
00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:41,120
Well, if I'm making a shakshuka,
then, yeah!
320
00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:45,600
SHE LAUGHS
What the fuck is a shakshuka?!
321
00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:47,720
HAND-DRYER WHIRS
322
00:16:54,280 --> 00:16:56,400
DOOR CREAKS
323
00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:58,640
Oh, dear!
324
00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:01,840
Caught red-handed!
Right! Hand them over.
325
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:04,960
Brent uni has a very strict
no-drugs policy.
326
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:07,080
No, no, no, Jules.
These aren't drugs-drugs, OK?
327
00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:09,520
Oh! I couldn't give a shit
if it's a Tic Tac, sweetheart!
328
00:17:09,560 --> 00:17:11,560
Hand 'em over, please!
OK, fine. There you go.
329
00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:14,040
Thank you.
They're prescription. OK.
330
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:18,240
I have to take them at night-time,
so... OK. What are they for?
331
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,440
They're antidepressants.
Antidepressants...
332
00:17:20,480 --> 00:17:22,720
Read it.
333
00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:27,280
Um... Yeah.
334
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:28,960
Cool.
335
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,080
Cool, cool. Cool?
SHE CHUCKLES
336
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:34,040
Soz. Soz about that.
It's fine.
337
00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:37,560
Um... look, if I see you out
on the D-floor,
338
00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:39,520
well, you can have one on me.
Wicked. Cheers.
339
00:17:39,560 --> 00:17:41,400
All right. Good.
All right.
340
00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:43,560
All right. See you later.
Soz about that.
341
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:45,720
Fucking nightmare!
342
00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:49,080
MUSIC: Sandstorm
by Darude
343
00:17:49,120 --> 00:17:51,320
MUSIC POUNDS / GLASSES CLINK
344
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:04,000
Back in the olden days, men in bars
345
00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:06,520
would wear different-colour
handkerchiefs in back pockets
346
00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:09,280
to discreetly signify homosexuality.
347
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:13,840
Then Pesos was invented,
so now it's really easy.
348
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:21,320
I'm... I'm Jack. Fancy a drink?
I've... I've quite a few.
349
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:23,720
Yeah, man. Did you get ditched?
350
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:27,560
Yeah. You too?
I don't get ditched.
351
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:29,920
I'm here because my flatmates
forced me to come,
352
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,840
but I've ditched them
to just... observe.
353
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:35,120
HE SIGHS So, er...
354
00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:37,200
what are you observing?
355
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:40,240
A relatively cute guy
also wearing my top.
356
00:18:40,280 --> 00:18:41,920
Oh!
357
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:44,400
HE GASPS Oh!
358
00:18:44,440 --> 00:18:46,840
You meant me.
359
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:49,680
THEY LAUGH
360
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:54,720
Oh! Oh!
OK. Don't worry about it.
361
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:58,840
Oh! No, no, no, no, no.
Can we go somewhere a bit more...
362
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:01,800
Romantic, this, Jack.
363
00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:03,560
Sorry.
364
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:07,680
And so this was the site
of my third-ever snog,
365
00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:10,360
after Amy Woods on my failed
Duke of Edinburgh expedition,
366
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:13,240
and some old man who mistook me
for his wife in Budgens.
367
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:17,720
And as I went down south,
without a clue what I was doing,
368
00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:19,840
I suddenly heard...
369
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,240
Argh! Agh! Fuck!
370
00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:25,360
What do we do? What do we do?
Don't move! Don't... move!
371
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:28,440
HE HYPERVENTILATES IN PANIC
Oh, my God!
372
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,600
Agh! Argh! Agh!
373
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:32,840
Agh! Agh!
ALARM BLARES
374
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:36,560
I gave him a hug, and we got
tangled.
375
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:40,120
Well, Jack, next time you wanna hug,
just ask me for one.
376
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:44,000
Actually, no, don't do that, cos
that could constitute as misconduct.
377
00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:46,800
MUSIC POUNDS
What in the fuckin' tune is this?
378
00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:52,560
Oh! Funny.
SHE LAUGHS
379
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,760
HE GASPS IN RELIEF
380
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:58,360
Yeah, mate... I'm sorry.
Don't even talk to me.
381
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,600
LAUGHTER
382
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:06,360
LAUGHTER ECHOES AND DISTORTS
383
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:09,120
MUSIC BLARES / LAUGHTER CONTINUES
384
00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:15,880
MUSIC BLARES AND DISTORTS
385
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,320
MUSIC CONTINUES IN DISTANCE /
HE SNIFFS
386
00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:27,360
Hoi, Jack!
387
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,960
Where you going, fresher?
Bed!
388
00:20:30,000 --> 00:20:32,240
Well, you left without your fleece!
389
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:34,360
Jack, are you crying?
390
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,200
No. I...
391
00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:39,360
I... I just wanna be asleep
before midnight.
392
00:20:39,400 --> 00:20:42,080
Ooh! What happens at midnight?
393
00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:44,720
I just wanna be asleep, all right?
Why?
394
00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:47,000
Cos this is shit!
395
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:51,560
Everyone said... uni'll be fun,
but...
396
00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:54,640
..the only reason I'm even here
is cos I can't just
397
00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:58,000
sit at home on the sofa
with my mum any more.
398
00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:01,480
OK. All right. Look, calm down.
Just go back, all right?
399
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:05,280
Take this. Go on.
Thanks, Danny.
400
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:08,520
Come on.
Shakin' like a shitting dog, mate.
401
00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:11,520
JACK LAUGHS Take a deep breath.
402
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:14,040
DANNY EXHALES All right?
403
00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:19,160
All right, listen. If you could be
doing ANYTHING right now,
404
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:21,720
what would you wanna do?
405
00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:26,440
"8:50 PM. This revealing documentary
explores the world
406
00:21:26,480 --> 00:21:30,160
of circus children
who turn serial killers."
407
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:31,480
Mmm.
408
00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:33,720
Channel 5?
Yes!
409
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:36,320
Obviously. I'm so good at this game.
410
00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:40,560
You feeling better?
Yeah.
411
00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:44,120
Thanks, Danny. I just, like...
412
00:21:44,160 --> 00:21:47,200
haven't really been around
people much,
413
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:49,360
let alone guys,
414
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:51,800
so sometimes I just...
415
00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:55,200
I don't... I don't really know
how to talk to people.
416
00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:59,280
Right. Imagine I'm some fit lad
coming up to you, OK?
417
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:01,520
O... K.
418
00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:04,800
Hi, geez. How's tricks, fella?
419
00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:07,560
Um... Hello...
420
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:11,040
..you.
421
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:13,360
Tricks...
422
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:15,960
are tricky.
OK.
423
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:18,160
Or you could be
a bit more confident,
424
00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,480
do you know what I mean?
Bit sort of like...
425
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:23,800
"What's happenin', boss?
Fancy getting your dick wet?"
426
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,800
Yeah!
HE LAUGHS
427
00:22:26,840 --> 00:22:29,240
But, er... I don't think
that's gonna work for me.
428
00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:32,880
OK, yeah, fair enough.
You just stick with "Hello, you."
429
00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:34,960
I'll stick with "Hello, you."
430
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:38,240
This was the first moment I felt
I might cope at university.
431
00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:41,520
The first moment
my friendship with you began.
432
00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:43,720
BANGING / CLATTERING
433
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:45,560
Fuck was that?
434
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:49,840
JULES SINGS DRUNKENLY Er...
435
00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:52,160
Hiya, lads.
436
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:54,200
SHE SINGS / LAUGHS
437
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:58,240
Yeah, no. It's only me. Hiya.
Just checkin' you're all right.
438
00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:00,440
SHE LAUGHS
439
00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:03,480
I just stole this fuckin' pizza!
440
00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:06,000
LIGHTS BUZZ
441
00:23:06,040 --> 00:23:08,000
Run!
442
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:10,160
Are you buying drugs?
No! Leave it out.
443
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:12,640
Well, yeah, I am, actually.
Hoi!
444
00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:14,840
I feel wonderful.
445
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:17,200
♪ Would you like us to assign
someone to wear your model
446
00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:20,480
♪ Excuse me?
♪ What? ♪
447
00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:23,400
I should send this parcel
back to ISIS. ASOS.
448
00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:25,080
Oh, yeah.
449
00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:26,840
MUSIC POUNDS
450
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:31,120
BOTH SING LOUDLY: ♪ Fix him a vodka,
he's on his fuckin' vodka... ♪
451
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:36,280
Just don't do anything I wouldn't
do. I mean, I wouldn't shag a bloke,
but you get what I mean.
452
00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:38,120
♪ On the chaise longue,
on the chaise longue
453
00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:40,360
♪ On the chaise longue all day long
454
00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:41,840
♪ On the chaise longue
455
00:23:41,880 --> 00:23:44,080
♪ On the chaise longue,
on the chaise longue
456
00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:46,720
♪ On the chaise longue all day long
457
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:48,000
♪ On the chaise longue
458
00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:50,160
♪ On the chaise longue,
on the chaise longue
459
00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:52,360
♪ On the chaise longue all day long
460
00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:53,880
♪ On the chaise longue
461
00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:56,120
♪ On the chaise longue,
on the chaise longue
462
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:57,960
♪ On the chaise longue
all day long. ♪
463
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,520
HAMMERING Oof!
464
00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:01,600
Subtitles by Red Bee Media
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