Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:10,218 --> 00:00:12,887
* *
2
00:00:12,929 --> 00:00:14,389
- * My words are lazy *
3
00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:16,307
* My thoughts are hazy *
4
00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:19,436
* But this is one thing
I'm sure of *
5
00:00:19,477 --> 00:00:23,064
* Everybody needs
a best friend *
6
00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:25,817
* I'm happy I'm yours *
7
00:00:30,780 --> 00:00:33,241
* *
8
00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:34,951
- Hey, thanks again
for picking us up, Blaire.
9
00:00:34,993 --> 00:00:37,120
- Yeah, no problem.
What'd you guys end up seeing?
10
00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:38,204
- "Jurassic Park."
11
00:00:38,246 --> 00:00:39,372
It's, like, the greatest movie
12
00:00:39,414 --> 00:00:40,665
I've ever fucking seen,
like, ever.
13
00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:43,376
- Yeah, Spielberg
actually got real dinosaurs.
14
00:00:43,418 --> 00:00:45,503
- Uh, yeah, I don't think so.
15
00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:47,088
- No, he did.
- No, he did. He totally did.
16
00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:48,465
There's no other explanation.
17
00:00:48,506 --> 00:00:51,676
- I promise you guys
he did not get real dinosaurs.
18
00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:53,470
- Well, that's-that's a
ignorant thing to say, Blaire,
19
00:00:53,511 --> 00:00:54,679
when you didn't see the movie.
20
00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:57,182
- Yeah, no, he made "ET"
and he made "Jaws"
21
00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:58,391
and this was his reward.
22
00:00:58,433 --> 00:00:59,684
He got real dinosaurs
to play with.
23
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:00,727
It all adds up.
24
00:01:00,769 --> 00:01:02,270
- My only criticism
of the movie--
25
00:01:02,312 --> 00:01:04,606
who has open cups of water
in the car?
26
00:01:04,647 --> 00:01:05,940
- Oh yeah, that wasweird.
27
00:01:05,982 --> 00:01:07,567
- Yeah, it's like,
you want a lid for that water?
28
00:01:07,609 --> 00:01:09,486
Nah, that's OK.
I'm just riding in the jungle.
29
00:01:09,527 --> 00:01:11,071
- Oh, hey, can we stop
by the video store?
30
00:01:11,112 --> 00:01:12,155
I want to rent a movie.
31
00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:13,990
- You justsaw a movie.
32
00:01:14,032 --> 00:01:15,784
- Yeah, I know.
And now, we got dinosaur fever.
33
00:01:15,825 --> 00:01:17,744
We want to see more movies
with dinosaurs.
34
00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:21,206
Fine, but you got to be quick.
I got plans tonight.
35
00:01:21,247 --> 00:01:22,957
- Oh, yeah?
What-what do you got going on?
36
00:01:22,999 --> 00:01:24,459
- Just stuff.
37
00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:25,752
- Like college stuff?
38
00:01:25,794 --> 00:01:27,003
- Yes.
39
00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:28,296
- Toga party?
- No.
40
00:01:28,338 --> 00:01:29,589
- Fucking rush week?
41
00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:30,674
- No.
42
00:01:30,715 --> 00:01:31,758
- Fucking around
with the new pledges,
43
00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,259
but then Diane
goes a little too far
44
00:01:33,301 --> 00:01:34,636
and something horrible happens
45
00:01:34,678 --> 00:01:36,888
but then you all kind of
work together to cover it up
46
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,098
and then the next day,
47
00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:39,391
you just go to class
like nothing happened
48
00:01:39,432 --> 00:01:40,892
but now you're all
bonded for life
49
00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:42,227
by, like, a horrible secret,
50
00:01:42,268 --> 00:01:43,770
and it seems like
it's all going to be OK
51
00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:45,438
but then Rachel
seems a little shaky
52
00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:47,273
and you wonder if
she's going to be a problem?
53
00:01:47,315 --> 00:01:49,067
- What the fuck are
you talking about?
54
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,694
- I'm just making conversation.
55
00:01:50,735 --> 00:01:57,992
* *
56
00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:01,621
- OK, you got five minutes.
Hurry up and pick something.
57
00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:02,622
- OK.
58
00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:09,629
* *
59
00:02:16,052 --> 00:02:17,470
Hey, Teddy.
- Yeah?
60
00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:19,097
- You ever seen a porno?
61
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,433
- Yeah, I saw a lot of them
when I was out in Hollywood.
62
00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:23,393
- They as awesome
as people say?
63
00:02:23,435 --> 00:02:25,395
- They are, Johnny.
64
00:02:25,437 --> 00:02:26,646
- What are they like?
65
00:02:26,688 --> 00:02:28,440
- Well, you turn it on,
you settle in,
66
00:02:28,481 --> 00:02:29,774
you get your Kleenex
and your lotion,
67
00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:31,818
and you--
you fucking go to town.
68
00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:33,153
- Wow.
69
00:02:33,194 --> 00:02:34,487
Sounds amazing.
70
00:02:34,529 --> 00:02:35,864
- Yeah, especially afterward
when it's over
71
00:02:35,905 --> 00:02:37,824
and you think about
what you did.
72
00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:39,034
- Really?
73
00:02:39,075 --> 00:02:40,368
- Yeah,
and you clean yourself up
74
00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:41,494
but the porn's still going
on in the background,
75
00:02:41,536 --> 00:02:43,455
but it seems twice as loud now.
76
00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:44,956
And even though
you didn't leave the house,
77
00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:47,292
you know you've contributed
to a woman's nightmare.
78
00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:48,752
Oh, and you can't
79
00:02:48,793 --> 00:02:50,962
shove that sock in the hamper
deep enough.
80
00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:53,256
- Man, every time I come
in here and I see those doors,
81
00:02:53,298 --> 00:02:55,759
it's like it's so mysterious.
82
00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:59,179
The private, exclusive
adults-only room.
83
00:03:02,182 --> 00:03:09,272
* *
84
00:03:16,905 --> 00:03:19,491
Master John, Master Ted.
85
00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:22,243
I'm so delighted
that you've joined us.
86
00:03:22,285 --> 00:03:25,580
Are we thinking of renting
some pornography this evening?
87
00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:26,956
Indeed, we are, Lloyd.
88
00:03:26,998 --> 00:03:28,416
- Splendid, splendid.
89
00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:31,211
We have quite a fine selection
for your perusal.
90
00:03:31,252 --> 00:03:33,129
Mm,
well, what would you recommend?
91
00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:34,422
- Your preference, sir.
92
00:03:34,464 --> 00:03:36,633
Would you like to
feel in charge,
93
00:03:36,675 --> 00:03:38,551
or like an itty, bitty baby?
94
00:03:38,593 --> 00:03:41,137
- I do believe I would like
to feel like a baby.
95
00:03:41,179 --> 00:03:44,265
No one has
ever chosen the other one, sir.
96
00:03:44,307 --> 00:03:45,975
- Yes, I would imagine not.
97
00:03:47,268 --> 00:03:48,645
- Very good, sir.
98
00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:51,272
I'll be right back
with your cream and kerchief.
99
00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:53,024
- How's the wife, Lloyd?
100
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:57,195
- Well, sir, I'm afraid that
Clara passed away last month.
101
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:59,239
- Oh, Lloyd,
we're so very sorry.
102
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,491
- Thank you, sir.
She fought bravely,
103
00:04:01,533 --> 00:04:03,618
but there was nothing
the doctors could do.
104
00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:05,745
- And how is your son
taking the loss?
105
00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:08,206
- We haven't spoken
since she passed away, sir.
106
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:11,251
I'm afraid that Jeremy blames
me for his mother's death.
107
00:04:11,292 --> 00:04:12,419
- How terrible.
108
00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:14,129
- Thank heaven I have my work.
109
00:04:14,170 --> 00:04:17,340
Elsewise, I'm not sure
I could go on living myself.
110
00:04:17,382 --> 00:04:21,344
Well, enjoy your pornography,
sir.
111
00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:22,929
Jesus.
112
00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:25,515
Your fantasy includes the guy
losing his wife and family?
113
00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:26,599
Well I mean,
the son didn't die,
114
00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:27,892
they're just estranged.
115
00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:29,644
- I just feel like
116
00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:31,312
by putting all that on him,
it distracts from ourstory.
117
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:33,606
- Teddy,
you want to go in there?
118
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:34,941
- In the back room?
119
00:04:34,983 --> 00:04:36,067
- Yeah.
120
00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:37,318
Yeah, don't you
think it's about time
121
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:38,653
I rented my first porno?
122
00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:40,780
- Well, I hope
you've gotten everything done
123
00:04:40,822 --> 00:04:42,699
that you need to get done ever.
124
00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:43,825
- Why?
125
00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:45,035
- Oh, you'll see.
Come on, let's do it.
126
00:04:46,911 --> 00:04:49,998
- Hey! No one under 18
in the adult section!
127
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:51,249
- Ah, shit.
128
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,959
- It's all right, Johnny.
I'll go and get it.
129
00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:54,085
- You hear me?
130
00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:55,628
I said no one under 18!
131
00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:57,213
- It's all right, buddy.
It's just me.
132
00:04:57,255 --> 00:05:00,633
- You came to life in 1985.
That makes you what, eight?
133
00:05:00,675 --> 00:05:02,135
- Dude,
it's a little different.
134
00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:03,845
- No.
Rules are rules!
135
00:05:03,887 --> 00:05:05,013
- Ah, shit.
136
00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:09,392
- Wow,
what an amazing selection!
137
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:11,311
These are all so erotic!
138
00:05:11,353 --> 00:05:12,395
- All right,
if you guys are done
139
00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:13,438
humiliating yourselves
in public,
140
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:14,856
can we get out of here?
141
00:05:14,898 --> 00:05:16,358
- Uh, Blaire.
142
00:05:16,399 --> 00:05:17,484
- I'm not renting you porn.
143
00:05:17,525 --> 00:05:18,818
- Oh, come on, you gotta.
144
00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:19,652
- No, I don't.
145
00:05:19,694 --> 00:05:20,987
- Blaire, I'm already 16.
146
00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:23,448
OK, if I was Mormon,
I'd be a grandfather by now.
147
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:25,408
- Blaire, be a pal, huh?
Just this once.
148
00:05:25,450 --> 00:05:26,993
- I'm basically
an adult already, OK?
149
00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:28,953
I just want to watch
an adult movie.
150
00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:31,706
- All right, fine.
151
00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:33,166
- What?
- What?
152
00:05:33,208 --> 00:05:34,250
- I don't have time to
stand here all day and argue.
153
00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:35,710
OK, just go wait in the car.
154
00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:37,212
- Holy shit. Fucking awesome!
- Oh, my God, Blaire!
155
00:05:37,253 --> 00:05:38,630
You're fucking amazing, Blaire!
- Wow, Thank you so much!
156
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:39,964
Blaire,
this is fucking awesome!
157
00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:41,883
Thank you so much!
- Oh, you're the fucking best!
158
00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:44,094
- Oh, and whatever
seems grossest to you,
159
00:05:44,135 --> 00:05:45,303
that's probably what
we're going to like.
160
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:46,179
- I'm going to count to three.
161
00:05:46,221 --> 00:05:47,389
- OK.
162
00:05:49,557 --> 00:05:51,184
- All right, you guys.
Enjoy the movie.
163
00:05:51,226 --> 00:05:52,686
- Oh, we will.
164
00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:54,604
- Oh, and don't be thrown
when you turn it on.
165
00:05:54,646 --> 00:05:55,772
It's black and white.
166
00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:57,315
- Even better.
- Yeah, finally.
167
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,025
We're telling theirstories.
- Yeah, love that.
168
00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:00,193
- Representation matters.
169
00:06:00,235 --> 00:06:01,111
- Glad to hear it.
170
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:04,614
- OK.
- Here we go.
171
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:07,409
- We got at least an hour
before Mom gets back.
172
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,997
- All right, porno time!
173
00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:13,832
* *
174
00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:16,167
- Whoa.
"The 400 Blows."
175
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,712
Whoever this guy is, he's going
to be a nub by the end of it.
176
00:06:18,753 --> 00:06:20,797
- Ah, French fucking.
All right.
177
00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:22,382
Little hairy, but I'm on board.
178
00:06:24,926 --> 00:06:27,345
- That's what the fucking's
going to sound like.
179
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,513
* *
180
00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:36,771
- Jesus, how the fuck long
has this been going on?
181
00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:38,148
- You guys enjoying the movie?
182
00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:39,774
- No!
It sucks!
183
00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:41,192
How the fuck is this a porno?
184
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:44,654
- Well, I rented you guys
an adult movie,
185
00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:47,115
as in a movie for adults.
186
00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:48,742
- Oh, you suck.
187
00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:50,869
- No, no, but wait, they were
talking about ball sacks.
188
00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:51,911
- Balzac.
189
00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:53,079
- Yeah, exactly.
So where were they?
190
00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:54,914
- Are saying
you don't like the film?
191
00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:57,542
- No! No, there's no sex
at all in this movie.
192
00:06:57,584 --> 00:06:58,752
Just ennui.
193
00:06:58,793 --> 00:06:59,836
- I did you a favor.
194
00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:01,546
- No, we want to
look at genitals.
195
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:03,089
- Trust me, it's overrated.
196
00:07:03,131 --> 00:07:05,008
- Wait, what do you mean?
You watch porn?
197
00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:05,884
- Uh, no.
198
00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:07,886
But a guy from my school did
199
00:07:07,927 --> 00:07:10,138
mail me a photo of his dick
last semester.
200
00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:11,097
- Oh.
201
00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:12,849
- He even shot it
in sepia tone.
202
00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:14,809
- Wait, so it was, like,
all old-timey?
203
00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:16,061
- Yeah.
204
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:17,812
- Like, "This penis
is a Dust Bowl orphan"?
205
00:07:17,854 --> 00:07:19,022
- You want the kicker?
206
00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:20,106
It was flaccid.
207
00:07:20,148 --> 00:07:21,441
- Wait, so he didn't even
do the work?
208
00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:24,944
- Nope. Just a flaccid dick
with a fancy filter.
209
00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:27,030
- Well, I guess even
a great director
210
00:07:27,072 --> 00:07:28,531
can't save a bad script.
211
00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:30,283
Anyway, enjoy the movie, guys.
212
00:07:30,325 --> 00:07:31,201
It's a classic.
213
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:35,622
- Fuck this.
214
00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:54,808
- Everyone,
Matty and I have some news.
215
00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:57,227
- Oh, man.
It finally happened.
216
00:07:57,268 --> 00:07:59,312
Look, I'm sure this was
a tough decision to make,
217
00:07:59,354 --> 00:08:01,481
but there's no sense
in postponing the inevitable.
218
00:08:01,523 --> 00:08:02,816
You know what?
219
00:08:02,857 --> 00:08:03,817
Not every marriage
is meant to last forever.
220
00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:05,110
And at a certain point,
221
00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:06,319
you're just throwing good years
out the bag.
222
00:08:06,361 --> 00:08:07,404
- We're going out to dinner.
223
00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:08,822
- Hey!
That's...
224
00:08:08,863 --> 00:08:10,156
one of my favorite meals.
225
00:08:10,198 --> 00:08:11,616
- We're going to go out,
226
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:14,119
we're going to have a nice,
romantic evening tomorrow.
227
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,579
Just the two of us
just because.
228
00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:18,248
And we're going to have
a lovely time.
229
00:08:18,289 --> 00:08:19,582
- That's right.
230
00:08:19,624 --> 00:08:21,918
My wife deserves a night out
just for being her.
231
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,503
We're going to have a--we're
going to have a great meal,
232
00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:24,629
and it's going to be terrific!
233
00:08:24,671 --> 00:08:25,755
Jesus.
234
00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:27,173
Take it easy.
- What?
235
00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:29,175
I'm fucking happy.
It's going to be a great night.
236
00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:31,011
- You know, I wonder if years
from now, we'll find out
237
00:08:31,052 --> 00:08:33,888
this was all just one big,
long heart attack.
238
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:35,807
- Teddy, can I speak to you
in private?
239
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,100
OK, this is perfect.
240
00:08:37,142 --> 00:08:38,393
Mom and Dad are going
to be out of the house
241
00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:39,436
and Blaire's got school.
242
00:08:39,477 --> 00:08:41,021
There will never
be a better time.
243
00:08:41,062 --> 00:08:41,855
- For what?
244
00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:43,857
- To rent a real porno.
245
00:08:43,898 --> 00:08:45,191
- Well, how are we supposed
to do it?
246
00:08:45,233 --> 00:08:47,193
That butt nut in the store
says we got to be 18.
247
00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:48,945
- There's a different guy
that comes in at 6:00
248
00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:50,155
for the night shift,
all right?
249
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:51,406
We get fake IDs,
250
00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:53,575
we go in after 6:00,
we can rent that porno.
251
00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:55,076
- I don't know, Johnny.
It's a risk.
252
00:08:55,118 --> 00:08:56,870
I mean, if we get caught--
- Teddy.
253
00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:58,913
Watching other people
have sex on a TV screen,
254
00:08:58,955 --> 00:09:01,291
that's just about the
coolest thing a person can do.
255
00:09:01,332 --> 00:09:02,709
It's worth the risk.
256
00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:05,211
By this time tomorrow,
that dream could be ours.
257
00:09:05,253 --> 00:09:07,464
- All right.
Let's get some sleep.
258
00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:09,591
We jerk at first light.
- Right.
259
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:19,851
* *
260
00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:23,855
OK.
Two fake IDs.
261
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:24,939
That'll be 50 bucks.
262
00:09:24,981 --> 00:09:27,275
- We got that same VCR at home.
263
00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:28,360
- I don't give a shit.
264
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:29,694
- Right there.
265
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,488
My whole allowance
for eight weeks.
266
00:09:31,529 --> 00:09:35,116
- All right, here we go.
Enjoy your new lives as adults.
267
00:09:35,158 --> 00:09:37,285
- Jesus Christ,
how old is this guy?
268
00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:38,620
Looks like he's 40.
269
00:09:38,661 --> 00:09:40,163
- Hey, you'll be fine,
all right?
270
00:09:40,205 --> 00:09:42,207
Although Ted's
took a little bit of work.
271
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:44,584
- I-I can't use this.
- Why not?
272
00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:46,711
- It looks like Bob Ross.
273
00:09:46,753 --> 00:09:49,255
It is.
It is Bob--this is Bob Ross.
274
00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:50,423
- Well, you're a tough fit,
pal.
275
00:09:50,465 --> 00:09:52,008
It was either him
or a pair of UGG boots.
276
00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:54,844
- Oh, yeah, laugh it up now,
but pretty soon,
277
00:09:54,886 --> 00:09:57,472
I'll be having an orgasm
next to my friend.
278
00:09:57,514 --> 00:09:58,682
- Yeah!
279
00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:11,361
* *
280
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:16,825
- Wait, wait, not yet!
Not yet!
281
00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:18,576
That other bastard's
still there.
282
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:21,329
Act like we're just here
to rent a movie.
283
00:10:21,371 --> 00:10:22,455
Ah, yes.
284
00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:24,666
This looks like a good,
non-sexual film.
285
00:10:24,708 --> 00:10:26,251
- Oh, yes,
I have heard many great,
286
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:28,294
non-sexual things
about this movie.
287
00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:31,339
- Peter Travers calls it
"a sex-free laugh riot."
288
00:10:31,381 --> 00:10:35,260
- "Time" magazine says, "about
as erotic as mom's diarrhea."
289
00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:36,970
- The fuck?
290
00:10:37,012 --> 00:10:38,471
- What?
- The fuck was that?
291
00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:40,181
- What do you mean? I'm just
expanding on your thing.
292
00:10:40,223 --> 00:10:41,349
- That's not what I was doing.
293
00:10:41,391 --> 00:10:43,685
- Improv's all about
"Yes, and..." OK?
294
00:10:43,727 --> 00:10:44,602
You can't just shut me down
like that
295
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:45,603
in the middle of a scene.
296
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,355
- Don't do "mom's diarrhea"
297
00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,149
and then tell me how I'm
fucking supposed to do improv.
298
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:52,277
Jesus Christ.
299
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:53,445
- Hey.
- Hey.
300
00:10:53,486 --> 00:10:54,487
All right.
301
00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:55,822
I'm out of here.
- Later.
302
00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:56,948
- Have a good one.
303
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:59,325
All right, let's move.
304
00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:02,037
- Excuse me. Uh-uh.
Adults only.
305
00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:03,288
Ah, yes. Of course.
306
00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:05,206
How forgetful of us.
- Oh, don't worry.
307
00:11:05,248 --> 00:11:07,834
This, uh,
this happens all the time.
308
00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:09,044
I understand your mistake.
309
00:11:13,256 --> 00:11:14,382
- Oh, my God.
310
00:11:14,424 --> 00:11:15,425
- What?
311
00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:17,218
- You're Bob Ross!
312
00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:18,553
- Uh, yes.
313
00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:19,888
Yes, I am.
314
00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:21,890
- Mr. Ross,
I am a huge fan of yours.
315
00:11:21,931 --> 00:11:23,516
- Oh, uh, well, thanks.
316
00:11:23,558 --> 00:11:25,101
- I love your whole
artistic philosophy.
317
00:11:25,143 --> 00:11:27,562
The way you assign a motion
to every tree and cloud.
318
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:29,064
- Yeah, well, great.
319
00:11:29,105 --> 00:11:30,523
Um, listen, we're going
to head to the adult section
320
00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:32,692
and find ourselves a happy,
little bush.
321
00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:34,486
- See you in a bit.
322
00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:40,241
OK.
323
00:11:40,283 --> 00:11:41,368
- Wow.
324
00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:42,369
Looks like you're having
quite a marathon.
325
00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:44,871
- Uh, yes.
It's for a fundraiser.
326
00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:46,539
- Oh, for what?
327
00:11:46,581 --> 00:11:47,999
- Jerking...
328
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,959
for Muscular Dystrophy.
329
00:11:50,001 --> 00:11:51,670
- Oh, yeah.
JMD, of course.
330
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:54,506
- Hey, is there a limit on
how many tapes you can rent?
331
00:11:54,547 --> 00:11:56,383
- Not for you, Mr. Ross.
332
00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:58,009
All right, these tapes are
due back Thursday.
333
00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,387
There's an $80 fee for any
missing or damaged tapes.
334
00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:01,179
- That's a lot of money.
335
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:02,430
- That's a lot of porn.
336
00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:04,933
- You know, other people
want to masturbate, too!
337
00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:06,226
- Not tonight, pal.
338
00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:11,147
OK.
339
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:19,197
Look at this place.
340
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:21,324
Isn't this a magical night?
341
00:12:21,366 --> 00:12:23,451
- My sock's got
a big hole in it.
342
00:12:23,493 --> 00:12:25,995
If I tear it off, will you
shove it in your purse?
343
00:12:26,037 --> 00:12:27,580
- Oh, look, Matty!
344
00:12:27,622 --> 00:12:30,959
They have a whole man
just for the pepper!
345
00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:33,003
Oh, let's get something
that needs pepper.
346
00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:34,254
- When I was his age,
347
00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:36,297
I was liberating Nha Trang
hut-by-hut.
348
00:12:36,339 --> 00:12:38,967
But yeah, sure.
Pepper boy's good, too.
349
00:12:39,009 --> 00:12:42,595
- Gosh, everything's
just so fancy-schmancy.
350
00:12:42,637 --> 00:12:44,431
I feel like Academy Awards.
351
00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:46,516
- Hi there. How are we doing
tonight, folks?
352
00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:48,226
- My sock's bugging me.
353
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,186
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
354
00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:51,646
Can I take your order?
355
00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:53,648
- Matty, he's so sweet.
356
00:12:53,690 --> 00:12:54,816
What's your name?
357
00:12:54,858 --> 00:12:56,276
- Kevin, ma'am.
358
00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:58,194
- Kevin, you go home,
you call your mother,
359
00:12:58,236 --> 00:13:00,280
and you tell her Susan Bennett
from Framingham
360
00:13:00,321 --> 00:13:03,033
said you did an excellent job.
361
00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:04,826
- My mother has
advanced Alzheimer's.
362
00:13:04,868 --> 00:13:06,870
She has no idea who I am.
363
00:13:06,911 --> 00:13:08,455
- I'll have the crab.
364
00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:10,165
Let me ask
you a question there, Kev-o.
365
00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:12,167
Why is the New York strip
24 bucks
366
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:14,336
but at Rico's Market,
it's like 8?
367
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:16,212
- Well, supermarket prices
and restaurant prices
368
00:13:16,254 --> 00:13:17,505
are different--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
369
00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:20,133
It's a pretty sweet markup,
16 bucks for heat.
370
00:13:20,175 --> 00:13:22,010
That seem fair to you,
Kev-o?
371
00:13:22,052 --> 00:13:23,636
- You could order
the junior steak
372
00:13:23,678 --> 00:13:25,180
off the kids menu for $9.
373
00:13:25,221 --> 00:13:27,724
- Now we're getting somewhere.
- OK.
374
00:13:27,766 --> 00:13:29,809
See that, Susan?
He blinked first.
375
00:13:29,851 --> 00:13:31,019
- Comes with your choice
376
00:13:31,061 --> 00:13:33,021
of an activity booklet
or a silly straw.
377
00:13:33,063 --> 00:13:34,105
- Both, Kev-o.
378
00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:35,565
Pile it high and good!
379
00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:36,733
- Yes, sir.
380
00:13:36,775 --> 00:13:38,318
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
381
00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:40,362
- Hang on.
Do me a favor.
382
00:13:42,072 --> 00:13:43,073
Throw this out for me,
would you?
383
00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:51,206
- Wouldn't it be fun to be
a waiter on a cruise ship?
384
00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:54,376
Because when you're done,
you're already home.
385
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,420
I'm going to tell him that.
386
00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:01,383
- All right, here we go.
387
00:14:01,424 --> 00:14:03,218
* Porno time, porno time *
388
00:14:03,259 --> 00:14:04,803
* Porno, porno, porno time! *
389
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,137
Porno time!
390
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:07,347
- All right, let's put one in.
- All right.
391
00:14:07,389 --> 00:14:08,765
Wait, wait.
Hang on a second.
392
00:14:08,807 --> 00:14:10,767
Before we start, we got
to have some ground rules.
393
00:14:10,809 --> 00:14:11,935
- What do you mean?
394
00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:13,603
- Well, like,
where are you sitting?
395
00:14:13,645 --> 00:14:14,646
- On the couch.
396
00:14:14,688 --> 00:14:15,689
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
397
00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:17,273
I don't want you in my eyeline.
398
00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:19,651
- OK, we could, like,
build a divider or something,
399
00:14:19,693 --> 00:14:21,027
like a pillow fort.
400
00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,654
- Yeah, I don't know.
Maybe we should watch alone.
401
00:14:22,696 --> 00:14:24,114
Like in shifts.
402
00:14:24,155 --> 00:14:25,073
- Yeah, I don't want
to watch porn alone.
403
00:14:25,115 --> 00:14:26,449
That feels tragic.
404
00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:28,076
- All right, then
we'll watch it together.
405
00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:29,327
- Yeah, well that feels creepy.
406
00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:30,704
- John, we're watching porn.
407
00:14:30,745 --> 00:14:32,288
It's either going to be creepy
or tragic.
408
00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:33,456
Those are the choices.
409
00:14:33,498 --> 00:14:35,000
- All right,
let's go with creepy.
410
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:36,668
Which one are we starting with?
411
00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:40,171
- How is everything?
412
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,048
- Oh, it's just wonderful.
413
00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:43,258
- Not good, Kev-o.
414
00:14:43,299 --> 00:14:44,926
The word "apple"
ain't in here anywhere.
415
00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:46,803
- They allow diagonal, sir.
416
00:14:46,845 --> 00:14:50,015
- Well, they should put that
in the goddamn directions!
417
00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:51,057
- I'll tell the chef.
418
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:52,267
- Yeah.
419
00:14:52,517 --> 00:14:54,561
- Matty, you have
to try this crab.
420
00:14:54,602 --> 00:14:55,687
- No, I'm fine.
421
00:14:55,729 --> 00:14:57,022
- Oh, just one bite.
It's so delicious.
422
00:14:57,063 --> 00:14:58,314
- I'm fine.
I got my own food.
423
00:14:58,356 --> 00:14:59,858
- Just a baby bite.
- I don't want any.
424
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,860
- Just try. Just one bite.
- Jesus Christ, Susan.
425
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,111
Why is it always so important
426
00:15:03,153 --> 00:15:04,404
that I have some
of what you ordered?
427
00:15:04,446 --> 00:15:05,905
- I want you to
have some of this
428
00:15:05,947 --> 00:15:07,323
because I think you'll like it.
429
00:15:07,365 --> 00:15:08,450
- Well if I wanted
the goddamn crab,
430
00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:09,951
I would have ordered
the goddamn crab!
431
00:15:09,993 --> 00:15:11,161
- But in the car
on the way home,
432
00:15:11,202 --> 00:15:12,454
I can say, wasn't it good?
And you'll know.
433
00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:13,955
- For fuck's sake!
All right!
434
00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:16,041
- You'll know.
- All right!
435
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:23,757
Oh, goddamn it.
436
00:15:23,798 --> 00:15:24,966
Goddamn it!
437
00:15:25,008 --> 00:15:26,009
That's better than
what I ordered!
438
00:15:26,051 --> 00:15:28,219
- You see?
I knew you'd like it.
439
00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:29,429
Shit!
440
00:15:29,471 --> 00:15:30,680
- I can't wait
to talk about it later.
441
00:15:30,722 --> 00:15:33,350
I wish we were
in the car right now.
442
00:15:33,391 --> 00:15:34,684
- Here.
443
00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:36,811
I got something for you.
444
00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:38,271
- Oh, Matty, what is it?
445
00:15:38,313 --> 00:15:40,065
- Just open it.
Be careful.
446
00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:44,986
- A nail?
447
00:15:45,028 --> 00:15:46,029
- Yeah.
448
00:15:46,071 --> 00:15:47,447
Just before you're finished,
449
00:15:47,489 --> 00:15:48,740
put that in what's left
of your food
450
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:50,450
and then "find" it.
451
00:15:50,492 --> 00:15:51,910
Whole night will be comped.
452
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,078
Hey, Kev-o!
453
00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:54,662
- Hi, I'm Brad.
454
00:15:54,704 --> 00:15:56,081
Kevin quit.
455
00:15:57,415 --> 00:15:58,583
- Oh, how about this one?
456
00:15:58,625 --> 00:16:00,585
"Interracial Butt Fest."
457
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,379
Oh, thank you, Dr. King.
458
00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:04,589
- "Anal Screwlympics VIII."
459
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,758
- I didn't see the first seven.
I'm not going to understand it.
460
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,719
- Man, this guy's running
his own three-legged race.
461
00:16:09,761 --> 00:16:12,180
Oh, let's start with this one.
462
00:16:22,357 --> 00:16:23,692
- You sure
that's going to work?
463
00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:25,235
- Yeah, I don't know.
464
00:16:25,276 --> 00:16:26,277
But all I'm
thinking about right
465
00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:27,445
now is my dead relatives.
466
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:28,405
- Why?
467
00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:29,489
- Well, Father White once said
468
00:16:29,531 --> 00:16:31,032
that if you ever masturbate,
469
00:16:31,074 --> 00:16:33,118
then all your dead relatives
are up in heaven watching you.
470
00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:35,036
- How is that heaven?
471
00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:36,538
- Boy, you know,
that is a great point.
472
00:16:36,579 --> 00:16:37,747
- I mean,
are they up there like,
473
00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:39,124
"Hey, you want to go
to Abe Lincoln's house?"
474
00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:40,250
"Yeah, I'd like to,
475
00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:41,376
"but my nephew
is gonna jerk off,
476
00:16:41,418 --> 00:16:42,669
so I got to go watch that."
477
00:16:42,711 --> 00:16:43,753
- OK, so we're fine.
478
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:54,889
All right.
479
00:16:54,931 --> 00:16:56,224
* *
480
00:16:56,266 --> 00:16:57,976
Oh, he's a doctor.
481
00:16:58,018 --> 00:17:00,353
Looks like it's his first day
at a new hospital.
482
00:17:00,395 --> 00:17:01,479
- And that's usually the day
483
00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:02,439
you have sex with everyone,
right?
484
00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,482
- Oh, it sure is, Johnny.
485
00:17:04,524 --> 00:17:05,650
- Whoops.
486
00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:07,402
Oh, looks like all
her clothes fell off.
487
00:17:07,444 --> 00:17:10,447
Oh, here we go.
488
00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:12,073
- That's a weird thermometer.
489
00:17:12,115 --> 00:17:13,408
Hey, that's funny.
490
00:17:13,450 --> 00:17:14,367
I thought they only took
your temperature like that
491
00:17:14,409 --> 00:17:15,410
when you were a baby.
492
00:17:15,452 --> 00:17:16,745
- Yeah, that's-that's not a--
493
00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:18,204
- He's, like,
pulling it in and out.
494
00:17:18,246 --> 00:17:20,248
It's never going to get
an accurate reading like that.
495
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,669
- Oh. Well, I guess
herprostate's fine.
496
00:17:29,591 --> 00:17:31,593
- What happened?
- I don't know.
497
00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:32,969
Tape froze.
498
00:17:38,767 --> 00:17:40,810
- It's stuck.
The tape's stuck!
499
00:17:40,852 --> 00:17:42,270
- Oh, shit!
500
00:17:42,312 --> 00:17:43,646
- It's not coming out.
What are we going to do?
501
00:17:43,688 --> 00:17:45,273
- All right.
Don't panic, don't panic.
502
00:17:45,315 --> 00:17:46,316
- Don't panic?
503
00:17:46,358 --> 00:17:47,442
What the fuck am
I supposed to do?
504
00:17:47,484 --> 00:17:48,777
- I just need a second
to think.
505
00:17:48,818 --> 00:17:50,278
- No, there is a porno stuck
in the fucking VCR!
506
00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:51,279
- Just let me fucking think!
- What am I supposed to do?
507
00:17:51,321 --> 00:17:52,280
- Just let me fucking think!
508
00:17:52,322 --> 00:17:54,783
Let me fucking think!
509
00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:56,993
OK, we're going to have to
take the machine apart.
510
00:17:57,035 --> 00:17:58,453
- All right.
511
00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:02,832
I can't even open it.
There's no screws.
512
00:18:02,874 --> 00:18:03,875
It's just rivets.
513
00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:04,876
- OK, I got it, I got it.
514
00:18:04,918 --> 00:18:06,419
We got to swap out VCRs.
515
00:18:06,461 --> 00:18:08,421
Get rid of this one,
replace it with a new one.
516
00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:10,215
- How are we going to find
a new VCR tonight?
517
00:18:10,256 --> 00:18:12,133
Even if shit was still open,
we got no money.
518
00:18:12,175 --> 00:18:13,593
And anyways,
this is an older model.
519
00:18:13,635 --> 00:18:15,970
You probably can't even
fucking find it anymore.
520
00:18:16,012 --> 00:18:17,263
- Yes, you can.
521
00:18:17,305 --> 00:18:18,807
The AV room at school!
They got one there.
522
00:18:18,848 --> 00:18:20,183
We can go get it tonight.
523
00:18:20,225 --> 00:18:21,976
- Going into school
after hours?
524
00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:22,977
Won't that look suspicious?
525
00:18:23,019 --> 00:18:23,978
- There's a game tonight.
526
00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:25,146
The school's open.
527
00:18:25,188 --> 00:18:26,356
We dress like
basketball players
528
00:18:26,398 --> 00:18:27,607
and if anyone sees us,
529
00:18:27,649 --> 00:18:29,192
they'll think we're there
for the game.
530
00:18:29,234 --> 00:18:31,194
- If we blow this, everybody's
going to know we're perverts.
531
00:18:31,236 --> 00:18:32,821
- Jesus.
532
00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:34,864
All this work, and we didn't
even get to have an orgasm.
533
00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:36,658
- Yeah, yeah.
Right.
534
00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:39,994
Yeah, man, that fucking sucks,
both of us...
535
00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:41,371
didn't.
536
00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:44,541
- I just don't understand it.
537
00:18:44,582 --> 00:18:45,792
I mean, we're not
under construction.
538
00:18:45,834 --> 00:18:48,003
- Well, you know,
the good news is she saw it.
539
00:18:48,044 --> 00:18:49,295
Otherwise...
540
00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:51,381
She could have died.
541
00:18:51,423 --> 00:18:52,674
Right, Susan?
542
00:18:52,716 --> 00:18:54,676
You could have died
if you ate a nail.
543
00:18:54,718 --> 00:18:57,804
- I guess I could have died
if I ate a nail.
544
00:18:57,846 --> 00:19:00,223
- I am so deeply sorry,
Mrs. Bennett.
545
00:19:00,265 --> 00:19:02,517
Of course,
your entire evening is comped.
546
00:19:02,559 --> 00:19:04,185
And if there's anything else
we can do for you,
547
00:19:04,227 --> 00:19:05,228
please tell us.
548
00:19:05,270 --> 00:19:07,522
- Yeah, you see that old-timey
549
00:19:07,564 --> 00:19:10,233
diver's helmet you got there
in the window?
550
00:19:10,275 --> 00:19:11,985
I want you to fill it
with shrimp.
551
00:19:18,408 --> 00:19:23,079
- Wasn't the crab good?
552
00:19:26,082 --> 00:19:30,545
* *
553
00:19:30,587 --> 00:19:33,214
- OK, almost got it.
554
00:19:33,256 --> 00:19:34,799
Ah.
There we go.
555
00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:38,053
OK, you stay here, I'm going to
make sure the coast is clear.
556
00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:39,054
- OK.
557
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,475
Ice it up, Hampton.
558
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:44,517
You'll be fine.
559
00:19:44,559 --> 00:19:45,727
- I don't know, Coach.
560
00:19:45,769 --> 00:19:47,354
I think I heard it break.
- A little ice.
561
00:19:47,395 --> 00:19:49,064
Best thing for it.
562
00:19:49,105 --> 00:19:50,065
Hey, Bennett!
563
00:19:50,106 --> 00:19:51,274
- Uh, yeah?
564
00:19:51,316 --> 00:19:52,734
- We're a man down.
Get in there!
565
00:19:52,776 --> 00:19:54,486
No forfeit! We got a player!
566
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:55,820
- Actually, Coach,
you know I'm not--
567
00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:58,239
- Now, Bennett!
We got a game to win!
568
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:06,331
- Ain't so fucking hard.
569
00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:07,874
Let's get the hell out of here.
570
00:20:11,795 --> 00:20:14,464
- Jesus.
What a night, huh?
571
00:20:16,091 --> 00:20:18,259
- Matty.
572
00:20:18,301 --> 00:20:20,387
What you did there was a sin.
573
00:20:20,428 --> 00:20:21,680
You lied to them.
574
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:23,765
- Ah, they lied to us first.
575
00:20:23,807 --> 00:20:25,892
Goddamn steak
doesn't cost 24 bucks.
576
00:20:25,934 --> 00:20:27,310
We're even.
577
00:20:27,352 --> 00:20:30,146
And the best part is
I didn't even have to use this.
578
00:20:30,188 --> 00:20:31,731
- What is that?
579
00:20:31,773 --> 00:20:34,109
- A coupon for one free meal
at Chuck's Steak House.
580
00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:37,987
So all in, we get three free
dinners for the price of one.
581
00:20:38,029 --> 00:20:40,323
- Is that why you wanted
to go out to dinner?
582
00:20:40,365 --> 00:20:41,825
Because you had a coupon?
583
00:20:41,866 --> 00:20:45,370
- I had a beautiful woman
on my arm and I spent no money.
584
00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:46,663
A perfect evening.
585
00:20:46,705 --> 00:20:48,456
Andthe activity book!
586
00:20:48,498 --> 00:20:49,624
Hey, Johnny!
587
00:20:49,666 --> 00:20:53,044
Your old man solved a maze
tonight!
588
00:20:53,086 --> 00:20:54,170
It's Friday night.
589
00:20:54,212 --> 00:20:55,171
He's probably
at the basketball game.
590
00:20:55,213 --> 00:20:56,131
You're going up?
591
00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:57,632
- Uh, no.
592
00:20:57,674 --> 00:20:59,968
I think I'll stay up
for a while and watch TV.
593
00:21:00,010 --> 00:21:00,969
- Suit yourself.
594
00:21:01,011 --> 00:21:02,262
Mwah!
595
00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:04,514
I'm going to roll around in bed
and try to burp.
596
00:21:22,073 --> 00:21:28,455
* *
597
00:21:28,496 --> 00:21:30,165
- Oh--
598
00:21:33,209 --> 00:21:40,216
* *
599
00:21:43,845 --> 00:21:46,306
- Oh, yeah!
- Yes!
600
00:21:47,724 --> 00:21:49,517
Oh, my God!
601
00:22:05,325 --> 00:22:06,951
Hey.
602
00:22:06,993 --> 00:22:09,329
Knock it off.
603
00:22:15,752 --> 00:22:17,420
- You know, I just
realized we probably
604
00:22:17,462 --> 00:22:19,547
could have just dressed like
ourselves going to the game.
605
00:22:19,589 --> 00:22:21,383
- Hey, shh!
The lights are out.
606
00:22:21,424 --> 00:22:24,344
Mom and Dad must be asleep.
607
00:22:24,386 --> 00:22:26,930
All right, I'll swap it out.
You make sure no one's coming.
608
00:22:26,971 --> 00:22:28,223
- Right.
609
00:22:28,264 --> 00:22:34,396
* *
610
00:22:34,437 --> 00:22:35,730
- All right, it's done.
611
00:22:35,772 --> 00:22:38,108
- Not quite. We still got to
get that tape out.
612
00:22:45,323 --> 00:22:46,408
- The fuck?
613
00:22:46,449 --> 00:22:50,120
- Oh, shit.
- It's gone!
614
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:56,251
- OK, let's-
let's just calm down here.
615
00:22:56,292 --> 00:22:57,919
- What do you mean calm down?
The tape's gone!
616
00:22:57,961 --> 00:23:00,505
- It can't just be gone.
It's got to be somewhere.
617
00:23:00,547 --> 00:23:02,465
- Oh, shit.
618
00:23:02,507 --> 00:23:04,426
Ah shit.
- What, what, what?
619
00:23:04,467 --> 00:23:05,593
- Somebody found it.
620
00:23:05,635 --> 00:23:07,137
Somebody found it
and they took it.
621
00:23:07,178 --> 00:23:09,264
- Oh, shit.
622
00:23:09,305 --> 00:23:12,434
OK, tomorrow, when everyone's
out, we search the house.
623
00:23:12,475 --> 00:23:13,518
- What if we don't find it?
624
00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:14,728
- Then we'll have to
625
00:23:14,769 --> 00:23:16,104
rent the same movie
from another store
626
00:23:16,146 --> 00:23:17,731
and return it
to the first store
627
00:23:17,772 --> 00:23:19,607
and we'll have to do that
every three days
628
00:23:19,649 --> 00:23:20,775
until the end of time.
629
00:23:20,817 --> 00:23:22,110
- Oh, my God.
630
00:23:22,152 --> 00:23:25,405
- Yeah.
Like a Pornzi scheme.
631
00:23:27,115 --> 00:23:30,160
Yeah, we're in trouble, but we
can still have fun with words.
632
00:24:04,486 --> 00:24:07,238
- Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.
633
00:24:09,407 --> 00:24:10,742
- Hello, Susan.
634
00:24:10,784 --> 00:24:12,952
- Oh, dear.
635
00:24:12,994 --> 00:24:15,121
I wish you'd close it
this time.
636
00:24:15,163 --> 00:24:17,665
- We're all sinners
in God's eyes.
637
00:24:17,707 --> 00:24:20,919
- Well...
638
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:23,755
I saw a porno, Father.
639
00:24:23,797 --> 00:24:25,382
- Oh.
640
00:24:25,423 --> 00:24:28,635
And how did you come
to see this, Susan?
641
00:24:28,677 --> 00:24:31,262
- Matty left it in the VCR.
642
00:24:31,304 --> 00:24:33,807
Earlier that night,
we went out to dinner.
643
00:24:33,848 --> 00:24:35,100
And I thought he was
644
00:24:35,141 --> 00:24:37,227
taking me out
for a romantic evening
645
00:24:37,268 --> 00:24:41,147
just the two of us,
so I got all dressed up.
646
00:24:41,189 --> 00:24:43,942
And he didn't even notice.
647
00:24:43,983 --> 00:24:47,404
And then I found out
that he had a coupon.
648
00:24:47,445 --> 00:24:51,741
And that's why
he wanted to go out.
649
00:24:51,783 --> 00:24:54,703
And Father, maybe...
650
00:24:54,744 --> 00:24:57,414
I'm not what he wants anymore.
651
00:24:57,455 --> 00:25:01,418
- Susan, I'm sure
it's not as bad as all that.
652
00:25:01,459 --> 00:25:04,921
Husbands and wives
have different sensibilities.
653
00:25:04,963 --> 00:25:06,548
There's a reason
the Lord made it
654
00:25:06,589 --> 00:25:10,135
so that a man can masturbate
and a woman cannot.
655
00:25:10,176 --> 00:25:11,886
- W-well, that's true.
656
00:25:11,928 --> 00:25:13,596
- And as for what you saw,
657
00:25:13,638 --> 00:25:16,433
God understands that
you didn't seek it out.
658
00:25:16,474 --> 00:25:19,144
And as long as the man
and the woman in the film
659
00:25:19,185 --> 00:25:22,063
are married
and not using birth control,
660
00:25:22,105 --> 00:25:23,940
I don't think you have anything
to worry about.
661
00:25:23,982 --> 00:25:27,944
- It wasn't just
a man and a woman.
662
00:25:27,986 --> 00:25:31,614
There-there was another woman,
too.
663
00:25:31,656 --> 00:25:33,116
- I see.
664
00:25:33,158 --> 00:25:36,161
- Although she wasn't
really participating.
665
00:25:36,202 --> 00:25:40,707
She was just sort of
choking the other girl.
666
00:25:40,749 --> 00:25:43,126
- Well, Matty is your husband.
667
00:25:43,168 --> 00:25:44,878
And if one of you is bored
in the marriage,
668
00:25:44,919 --> 00:25:46,629
then the other may
wish to consider
669
00:25:46,671 --> 00:25:50,633
how to address that and ways
to make things more exciting.
670
00:25:50,675 --> 00:25:56,056
Remember, nothing is wrong
if you don't enjoy it too much.
671
00:25:56,097 --> 00:25:58,808
- Well, I could certainly try.
672
00:25:58,850 --> 00:26:01,394
- Good, good.
673
00:26:01,436 --> 00:26:05,440
So the choking,
was she upset by it?
674
00:26:05,482 --> 00:26:07,817
- Or--
- I should probably get home.
675
00:26:07,859 --> 00:26:10,278
- All right.
To be continued.
676
00:26:14,699 --> 00:26:19,662
* *
677
00:26:19,704 --> 00:26:20,955
- No.
678
00:26:20,997 --> 00:26:22,874
* *
679
00:26:22,916 --> 00:26:24,501
- Johnny!
680
00:26:24,542 --> 00:26:25,335
Johnny, I found it.
681
00:26:25,377 --> 00:26:27,253
- Oh, fuck.
Thank God.
682
00:26:27,295 --> 00:26:29,089
- I know.
I just saved us bucks.
683
00:26:29,130 --> 00:26:31,049
- Wait, where was it?
684
00:26:31,091 --> 00:26:32,884
- Well, it was, uh--
685
00:26:32,926 --> 00:26:34,678
it was in Susan's
underwear drawer.
686
00:26:34,719 --> 00:26:36,262
- What?
687
00:26:36,304 --> 00:26:37,889
- Yeah, it was behind the ones
with the pineapples on it.
688
00:26:37,931 --> 00:26:39,391
- No, no, no! I don't want to
hear about my mom's underpants.
689
00:26:39,432 --> 00:26:41,518
- Oh, but her diarrhea you
bring up at the drop of a hat.
690
00:26:41,559 --> 00:26:44,854
- Teddy,
do you know what this means?
691
00:26:44,896 --> 00:26:47,023
Mom found "Genital Hospital."
692
00:26:47,065 --> 00:26:49,025
She knows I watch porn!
693
00:26:49,067 --> 00:26:50,360
- Oh, boy.
It looks that way.
694
00:26:50,402 --> 00:26:52,445
- I can never face her again.
695
00:26:52,487 --> 00:26:54,572
We have to run away,
never to return.
696
00:26:54,614 --> 00:26:55,990
- I see no other option.
697
00:26:56,032 --> 00:26:58,326
- I'm going to miss this house.
698
00:26:58,368 --> 00:27:00,286
Goodbye,
water-stained ceilings.
699
00:27:00,328 --> 00:27:03,373
- Goodbye, silverware drawer
that doesn't close all the way.
700
00:27:03,415 --> 00:27:05,125
- Goodbye,
windows painted shut.
701
00:27:05,166 --> 00:27:07,794
- Goodbye, door you have
to lean on to close.
702
00:27:07,836 --> 00:27:10,964
- Goodbye, peeling wallpaper
that reveals other wallpaper.
703
00:27:11,006 --> 00:27:13,216
- Goodbye, carpet
that's never been dry.
704
00:27:13,258 --> 00:27:15,260
- Goodbye,
unpermitted bathroom addition.
705
00:27:15,301 --> 00:27:18,138
- Goodbye, lamp that shocks
you every time you touch it.
706
00:27:18,179 --> 00:27:20,640
- Goodbye, picture of a pope
from two popes ago.
707
00:27:20,682 --> 00:27:23,560
- Goodbye, plastic bag
full of plastic bags.
708
00:27:23,601 --> 00:27:26,229
- Goodbye, medicine cabinet
with black mold in the corner.
709
00:27:26,271 --> 00:27:27,731
- Jesus, let's get
the fuck out of here.
710
00:27:27,772 --> 00:27:29,190
- Yeah, no shit.
711
00:27:34,654 --> 00:27:35,697
- We sure would like it
712
00:27:35,739 --> 00:27:38,700
if you'd help us
with our problem.
713
00:27:38,742 --> 00:27:40,285
- Only problem you've got,
Sheriff,
714
00:27:40,326 --> 00:27:42,412
is a short supply of guts.
715
00:27:42,454 --> 00:27:45,248
You people don't need me.
716
00:27:45,874 --> 00:27:49,044
Look, place at least
a couple good riflemen
717
00:27:49,085 --> 00:27:51,713
on top of that building
up there.
718
00:27:51,755 --> 00:27:53,798
Maybe a couple more
with shotguns down
719
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:55,258
behind green bags over there.
720
00:27:55,300 --> 00:27:57,552
- What you watching?
721
00:27:57,594 --> 00:27:59,596
- "High Plains Drifter."
722
00:27:59,637 --> 00:28:01,306
It's Clint Eastwood week.
723
00:28:01,348 --> 00:28:02,515
- Oh.
724
00:28:02,557 --> 00:28:03,808
What's it about?
725
00:28:03,850 --> 00:28:05,643
- Oh, he's a cowboy.
726
00:28:05,685 --> 00:28:08,063
But at the end,
you realize he's a ghost.
727
00:28:08,104 --> 00:28:09,606
But he can still shoot a gun,
728
00:28:09,647 --> 00:28:12,233
so, you know, not like--
he's not like a real ghost.
729
00:28:12,275 --> 00:28:14,361
- Matty, honey,
730
00:28:14,402 --> 00:28:16,321
can we talk about that movie
731
00:28:16,363 --> 00:28:19,491
that you were watching
yesterday?
732
00:28:19,532 --> 00:28:21,284
- I can't remember what it was.
733
00:28:21,326 --> 00:28:23,203
They're all kind
of the same movie.
734
00:28:23,244 --> 00:28:26,706
- Are you entertained by them?
735
00:28:26,748 --> 00:28:29,793
- I'm a guy.
I mean, all guys like 'em.
736
00:28:29,834 --> 00:28:32,712
- Is that what you want?
737
00:28:32,754 --> 00:28:34,547
What you see in those movies?
738
00:28:34,589 --> 00:28:37,384
- God no.
I just--I just watch 'em.
739
00:28:37,425 --> 00:28:41,262
- Well is there one
you like best?
740
00:28:41,304 --> 00:28:43,515
- I like
"Every Which Way But Loose."
741
00:28:43,556 --> 00:28:44,599
- Oh.
742
00:28:44,641 --> 00:28:46,184
- Yeah, that one's crazy.
743
00:28:46,226 --> 00:28:48,395
There's a monkey that
gives everybody the finger.
744
00:28:48,436 --> 00:28:49,979
Oh.
745
00:28:50,021 --> 00:28:52,524
- Yeah, I'd love to see that.
746
00:28:52,565 --> 00:28:53,692
- Wow.
747
00:28:54,192 --> 00:28:57,529
It is getting hot in here.
748
00:28:59,572 --> 00:29:01,616
Powerful hot.
749
00:29:01,658 --> 00:29:03,034
- We can't run
the air conditioner.
750
00:29:03,076 --> 00:29:04,494
Found a dead bird in it.
751
00:29:04,536 --> 00:29:06,329
Repair guy says we got to wait
till its guts dry out
752
00:29:06,371 --> 00:29:08,123
before we run the unit again.
753
00:29:08,164 --> 00:29:10,792
- Well I wouldn't know
about that.
754
00:29:10,834 --> 00:29:12,794
I'm just a girl.
755
00:29:38,153 --> 00:29:40,113
- What are you doing?
756
00:29:40,155 --> 00:29:41,698
- I wanted a banana.
757
00:29:41,740 --> 00:29:42,741
- Well, then eat it.
758
00:29:42,782 --> 00:29:44,200
Why the hell are you
staring at me?
759
00:29:44,242 --> 00:29:46,202
- Because...
760
00:29:46,244 --> 00:29:48,455
I've been bad.
761
00:29:48,496 --> 00:29:49,831
- What do you mean
you've been bad?
762
00:29:49,873 --> 00:29:50,874
You--
763
00:29:50,915 --> 00:29:52,042
oh, Jesus Christ, Susan.
764
00:29:52,083 --> 00:29:53,543
Is that the last one?
765
00:29:53,585 --> 00:29:54,794
God damn it!
766
00:29:54,836 --> 00:29:57,172
Now what am I supposed
to have for my snack?
767
00:29:59,215 --> 00:30:00,383
Oh!
Oh great, Susan!
768
00:30:00,425 --> 00:30:02,135
A Pringles can with one left!
769
00:30:02,177 --> 00:30:03,970
That'll be satisfying!
770
00:30:04,012 --> 00:30:05,055
Ow!
771
00:30:05,096 --> 00:30:06,806
Fucking lamp shocked me again!
772
00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:11,728
- Yeah?
773
00:30:14,022 --> 00:30:15,398
Aunt Suze, what's up?
774
00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:17,442
- Blaire, can I talk to you
for a minute?
775
00:30:17,484 --> 00:30:19,569
- Sure.
Yeah, come on in.
776
00:30:22,989 --> 00:30:26,743
What, uh, what's the matter?
777
00:30:26,785 --> 00:30:28,495
- Well...
778
00:30:28,536 --> 00:30:32,791
last night,
Matty and I went out to dinner.
779
00:30:32,832 --> 00:30:34,834
I got all dressed up.
780
00:30:34,876 --> 00:30:39,089
I rubbed on a Clinique sampler
from Redbook.
781
00:30:39,130 --> 00:30:41,591
I don't even think he noticed.
782
00:30:41,633 --> 00:30:47,263
And then when we got home,
I turned on the TV.
783
00:30:47,305 --> 00:30:51,643
And I found...
784
00:30:51,685 --> 00:30:54,187
- What?
785
00:30:54,229 --> 00:30:57,190
- A porn.
786
00:30:57,232 --> 00:30:58,441
- Oh.
787
00:30:58,483 --> 00:31:01,945
- I think Matty's
been watching porns.
788
00:31:01,986 --> 00:31:03,154
- Right.
789
00:31:03,196 --> 00:31:05,782
- Do you think maybe he--
790
00:31:05,824 --> 00:31:08,827
doesn't think
I'm exciting anymore?
791
00:31:08,868 --> 00:31:10,453
Am I a disappointment?
792
00:31:10,495 --> 00:31:12,330
- No, absolutely not,
Aunt Suze.
793
00:31:12,372 --> 00:31:13,790
Listen to me.
794
00:31:13,832 --> 00:31:17,377
You are probably the most
wonderful person that I know.
795
00:31:17,419 --> 00:31:20,255
- But if that's what he wants,
what can I do?
796
00:31:20,296 --> 00:31:22,298
I don't want to have to choke
other women.
797
00:31:22,340 --> 00:31:23,633
- Yeah,
I don't think you need to.
798
00:31:23,675 --> 00:31:25,719
- But I'll do it
if that's what Matty wants.
799
00:31:25,760 --> 00:31:26,678
- No, let's not go
down that route.
800
00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:28,471
- I'll do what those women did.
801
00:31:28,513 --> 00:31:29,931
- I really don't think
that's necessary.
802
00:31:29,973 --> 00:31:32,308
- I-I-I'll even do what
Dr. Sausage did in that movie.
803
00:31:32,350 --> 00:31:33,309
I'll do it.
- OK--
804
00:31:33,351 --> 00:31:34,978
- I'll do it.
- Stop.
805
00:31:35,020 --> 00:31:36,146
Look.
806
00:31:36,187 --> 00:31:40,108
This is difficult for me
to say, but, um,
807
00:31:40,150 --> 00:31:44,070
the tape you found...
808
00:31:44,112 --> 00:31:46,072
it's mine.
809
00:31:46,114 --> 00:31:47,073
- What?
810
00:31:47,115 --> 00:31:48,283
- I'm sorry.
811
00:31:48,324 --> 00:31:49,909
I apologize
for being so careless.
812
00:31:49,951 --> 00:31:52,162
I never should have left it
in the VCR.
813
00:31:52,203 --> 00:31:53,163
It was stupid.
814
00:31:53,204 --> 00:31:54,748
- So it's not Matty's?
815
00:31:54,789 --> 00:31:56,249
- No, it's not.
816
00:31:57,500 --> 00:32:01,338
- Oh!
Oh, my God!
817
00:32:01,379 --> 00:32:03,882
Oh, I'm so relieved!
- Good.
818
00:32:03,923 --> 00:32:07,177
- I thought Matty was
bored with me.
819
00:32:07,218 --> 00:32:08,636
Oh, Blaire.
820
00:32:08,678 --> 00:32:10,972
I--ew.
821
00:32:11,014 --> 00:32:13,099
Why did you have a porn?
822
00:32:13,141 --> 00:32:15,226
- I would say a porn-o.
823
00:32:15,268 --> 00:32:16,978
Just hits the ear better.
824
00:32:17,020 --> 00:32:18,938
- Why were you watching porn-o?
825
00:32:18,980 --> 00:32:22,525
- Well, OK, in that context,
you'd say porn.
826
00:32:22,567 --> 00:32:24,986
See, if there's an article
in front of it like an "a"
827
00:32:25,028 --> 00:32:27,238
or a "the," it's aporno.
828
00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:30,742
But if not, it's just porn.
829
00:32:31,451 --> 00:32:33,370
- I'm just not going
to say it anymore.
830
00:32:33,411 --> 00:32:37,999
- OK. Look, to answer
your question, it...
831
00:32:38,041 --> 00:32:40,251
it was a sorority thing.
832
00:32:40,293 --> 00:32:41,628
We rented a dirty movie.
833
00:32:41,670 --> 00:32:43,922
It was--
you know how sororities are.
834
00:32:43,963 --> 00:32:45,632
It's like a prank.
835
00:32:45,674 --> 00:32:48,301
- Oh!
Oh, it was a prank.
836
00:32:48,343 --> 00:32:50,512
- Yeah.
- Oh!
837
00:32:50,553 --> 00:32:53,598
So Matty and I are just fine!
838
00:32:53,640 --> 00:32:56,351
- I would say this one thing
isn't a problem.
839
00:32:56,393 --> 00:32:59,229
But it's--
840
00:32:59,270 --> 00:33:01,523
well, I'd call it
a work in progress.
841
00:33:01,564 --> 00:33:05,819
And for the record,
Aunt Suze,
842
00:33:05,860 --> 00:33:09,864
I don't think anybody
ever could be bored with you.
843
00:33:09,906 --> 00:33:12,659
Matty is not great
at communication.
844
00:33:12,701 --> 00:33:15,745
But unless he's
completely blind or insane,
845
00:33:15,787 --> 00:33:19,249
I bet he still loves you
a whole lot.
846
00:33:19,290 --> 00:33:21,209
- Come here.
- Mm.
847
00:33:21,251 --> 00:33:22,419
- Aw.
848
00:33:25,839 --> 00:33:29,801
I hope one day,
you'll find yourMatty.
849
00:33:29,843 --> 00:33:32,595
- Oh, that's--
850
00:33:32,637 --> 00:33:33,930
I'm going to be just fine.
851
00:33:33,972 --> 00:33:34,889
- Let's pray.
852
00:33:40,437 --> 00:33:47,569
* *
853
00:33:53,825 --> 00:33:55,410
- Where are we going to go,
Teddy?
854
00:33:55,452 --> 00:33:57,120
- I was thinking Saudi Arabia.
855
00:33:57,162 --> 00:33:59,956
I hear nobody's ashamed
to masturbate there.
856
00:33:59,998 --> 00:34:01,833
- What do you think they're
doing back at the house?
857
00:34:01,875 --> 00:34:05,253
- Probably the same thing
we're doing but with a table.
858
00:34:05,295 --> 00:34:06,796
- God.
859
00:34:06,838 --> 00:34:09,758
We watched six seconds of porn
and it ruined our lives.
860
00:34:09,799 --> 00:34:11,468
- Relax, losers.
861
00:34:11,509 --> 00:34:13,636
Your lives aren't ruined.
862
00:34:13,678 --> 00:34:14,429
Yet.
863
00:34:14,471 --> 00:34:15,764
- Blaire.
864
00:34:15,805 --> 00:34:17,307
Oh, you're a sight
for sore eyes, you are.
865
00:34:17,349 --> 00:34:19,059
Good Lord,
look how you've grown.
866
00:34:19,100 --> 00:34:20,185
- How'd you find us?
867
00:34:20,226 --> 00:34:22,937
- Uh, harmonica music
really carries.
868
00:34:22,979 --> 00:34:25,982
Listen, uh, you don't have
to worry about the porno,
869
00:34:26,024 --> 00:34:26,983
all right?
870
00:34:27,025 --> 00:34:28,234
I took the heat for you.
871
00:34:28,276 --> 00:34:29,569
- What?
872
00:34:29,611 --> 00:34:31,946
- I told Aunt Suze
that the tape was mine.
873
00:34:31,988 --> 00:34:33,031
You can come home now.
874
00:34:33,073 --> 00:34:36,659
- Blaire, you--
you did that for us?
875
00:34:36,701 --> 00:34:39,746
- Uh, no.
I really did it for Susan.
876
00:34:39,788 --> 00:34:41,915
She was upset enough because
she thought it was Matty's.
877
00:34:41,956 --> 00:34:44,834
If she found out it was yours,
she'd probably cry for a year.
878
00:34:44,876 --> 00:34:47,712
- Jesus Christ, Blaire.
Thank you so much.
879
00:34:47,754 --> 00:34:48,588
- Yeah.
880
00:34:48,630 --> 00:34:50,006
- We really owe you big time.
881
00:34:50,048 --> 00:34:51,466
- Oh, yeah, you do.
882
00:34:51,508 --> 00:34:53,677
Now, put out your dumb fire
and let's get out of here.
883
00:34:53,718 --> 00:34:55,970
- I love that plan.
Because you know what?
884
00:34:56,012 --> 00:34:57,681
We got a porno to return.
885
00:34:57,722 --> 00:34:59,182
- And I'll tell you one thing.
886
00:34:59,224 --> 00:35:01,017
I would never watch porn again.
887
00:35:01,059 --> 00:35:03,311
Even if it was everywhere,
all the time.
888
00:35:03,353 --> 00:35:05,522
Even if I had, like, a weird,
little device in my pocket
889
00:35:05,563 --> 00:35:06,856
that would give it to me
whenever I wanted
890
00:35:06,898 --> 00:35:08,608
so I could jerk off
at a moment's notice.
891
00:35:08,650 --> 00:35:10,443
No.
Never again.
892
00:35:12,904 --> 00:35:15,615
narrator:
John kept his promise.
893
00:35:15,657 --> 00:35:17,450
For the next two years.
894
00:35:17,492 --> 00:35:21,413
Then, within five minutes
of discovering the internet,
895
00:35:21,454 --> 00:35:23,748
he pulled on his penis
so hard,
896
00:35:23,790 --> 00:35:26,126
it damn near came off.
897
00:35:26,167 --> 00:35:27,210
That didn't deter him
898
00:35:27,252 --> 00:35:29,838
from masturbating
four more times
899
00:35:29,879 --> 00:35:32,382
before going
to a local urgent care,
900
00:35:32,424 --> 00:35:33,800
where he waited eight hours
901
00:35:33,842 --> 00:35:36,177
in line behind dozens
of other men
902
00:35:36,219 --> 00:35:38,763
who had also nearly
pulled their penises off
903
00:35:38,805 --> 00:35:41,057
after discovering
the internet.
904
00:35:41,099 --> 00:35:44,185
And now, today,
anyone you talk to
905
00:35:44,227 --> 00:35:47,397
has jerked off
within the last 20 minutes.
906
00:35:47,439 --> 00:35:49,190
This is Ian McKellen,
907
00:35:49,232 --> 00:35:53,236
reminding you:
don't shake anyone's hand.
908
00:35:53,278 --> 00:35:55,238
Good night.
909
00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:57,782
* *
910
00:36:04,497 --> 00:36:08,835
- * Oh, you've got a headful
of someone dreadful *
911
00:36:08,877 --> 00:36:12,088
* And yet, alas,
that someone adores you *
912
00:36:12,130 --> 00:36:13,631
* *
913
00:36:13,673 --> 00:36:17,385
* Everybody needs
a best friend *
914
00:36:17,427 --> 00:36:19,888
* I'm happy I'm yours *
915
00:36:19,929 --> 00:36:23,391
* I'm just a clown *
916
00:36:23,433 --> 00:36:26,853
* And I'll bring you down *
917
00:36:26,895 --> 00:36:32,942
* But you just don't care
'cause your *
918
00:36:32,984 --> 00:36:34,986
* Best friend is me *
919
00:36:35,028 --> 00:36:41,951
* *
64616
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