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[Norah Jones' "Everybody
Needs a Best Friend"]
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* *
3
00:00:12,929 --> 00:00:14,389
- * My words are lazy *
4
00:00:14,431 --> 00:00:16,307
* My thoughts are hazy *
5
00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:19,436
* But this is one thing
I'm sure of *
6
00:00:19,477 --> 00:00:23,064
* Everybody needs
a best friend *
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00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:25,817
* I'm happy I'm yours *
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00:00:27,819 --> 00:00:30,739
[jazzy music]
9
00:00:30,780 --> 00:00:34,534
* *
10
00:00:34,576 --> 00:00:35,994
- All right.
11
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:38,997
We have come to the final unit
here in health class--
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00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:40,749
sexual education.
13
00:00:40,790 --> 00:00:42,667
Now, this is
mature subject matter,
14
00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:45,503
and I expect you all
to handle it with maturity
15
00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:47,130
like the young adults
you are becoming.
16
00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:48,882
- I'm scared, Teddy.
17
00:00:48,923 --> 00:00:51,551
What if he shows us a diagram
of a vagina and I get a boner?
18
00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:53,720
- Hey, you're getting a boner
before this class ends, buddy.
19
00:00:53,762 --> 00:00:55,555
The sooner you wrap your head
around that, the better.
20
00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:59,184
- Sexual intercourse is
a physical expression
21
00:00:59,225 --> 00:01:02,687
of love and affection
that is perfectly natural
22
00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:03,980
and often deadly.
23
00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:06,608
Sexually transmitted
diseases include
24
00:01:06,649 --> 00:01:09,486
gonorrhea, HIV,
herpes, chlamydia,
25
00:01:09,527 --> 00:01:12,113
HPV, hepatitis A through C--
26
00:01:12,155 --> 00:01:15,408
- * JFK, blown away,
what else do I have to say? *
27
00:01:15,450 --> 00:01:16,743
[laughter]
* We didn't start the fire *
28
00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:17,994
- Ted, knock it off!
29
00:01:18,036 --> 00:01:20,080
See, this is exactly
what I'm talking about.
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00:01:20,121 --> 00:01:22,791
To avoid
sexually transmitted disease,
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00:01:22,832 --> 00:01:25,418
it is important
to practice safe sex.
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00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:29,756
Now, who can tell me
what the safest sex of all is?
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00:01:31,174 --> 00:01:33,259
No one?
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00:01:33,301 --> 00:01:34,427
Masturbation.
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00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:36,137
- Hey, if you're gonna
assign homework,
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00:01:36,179 --> 00:01:37,430
Johnny already did it
this morning.
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00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:38,598
- Hey, shut the fuck up, dude!
38
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,392
- He's doing extra credit.
- Be quiet!
39
00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:41,893
- Stop it!
- Oh!
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00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:43,728
- You keep that up, you're
headed for detention, mister.
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00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:47,315
Now, why is it important
to practice safe sex?
42
00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:51,111
Well, it all begins
with biology.
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00:01:51,152 --> 00:01:52,862
- Aw, here we go.
- Let's start
44
00:01:52,904 --> 00:01:56,950
with the female
reproductive system.
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00:01:56,991 --> 00:01:58,243
- Oh, no.
46
00:01:58,284 --> 00:02:00,286
- Holy shit.
That's fast, even for you.
47
00:02:00,328 --> 00:02:02,706
[bell rings]
48
00:02:02,747 --> 00:02:04,416
- Well, I'm glad
that's over, huh?
49
00:02:04,457 --> 00:02:06,960
- I know, that was like
sex ed for babies.
50
00:02:07,002 --> 00:02:08,044
- What?
51
00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:09,337
- I mean, you're
really gonna talk
52
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:11,548
about masturbation
and leave out edging?
53
00:02:11,589 --> 00:02:13,466
- Seriously.
He didn't even talk about
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00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:16,469
how massaging the prostate
increases orgasm intensity.
55
00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:18,054
- Did you see how
when I brought up rimming,
56
00:02:18,096 --> 00:02:19,723
he flipped to the glossary?
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00:02:19,764 --> 00:02:21,391
[both chuckling]
- Wait, you t--
58
00:02:21,433 --> 00:02:23,143
you two have had sex?
59
00:02:23,184 --> 00:02:24,310
- [sarcastically] No.
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00:02:24,352 --> 00:02:25,979
I'm felching my own jizz.
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00:02:26,021 --> 00:02:27,689
Pfft! Duh, we're 16.
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00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:28,732
- When? With who?
63
00:02:28,773 --> 00:02:30,525
- A few weeks ago,
with each other.
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00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:32,193
- We didn't want to be
the last ones in school
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00:02:32,235 --> 00:02:33,278
to lose our virginity.
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00:02:33,319 --> 00:02:34,320
- Oh, yeah.
[laughs]
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00:02:34,362 --> 00:02:35,822
No. Right, of course.
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00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:37,490
How--how lame would
that be, right?
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00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:39,659
- Wow, I didn't even know
you two guys were dating.
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00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:41,119
Andrew, I thought you were gay.
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00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,579
- I don't know.
Might be.
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00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:44,497
I just know I'm not
a fucking loser.
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00:02:44,539 --> 00:02:46,708
- You're so confident.
I love it.
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00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:48,293
- Let's go
to the computer room.
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00:02:48,335 --> 00:02:50,920
We can do it
on the Oregon Trail.
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00:02:51,755 --> 00:02:53,673
- Holy shit, Teddy,
do you know what this means?
77
00:02:53,715 --> 00:02:55,550
I'm the last virgin in school.
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00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:56,760
- What about Ben Carness?
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00:02:56,801 --> 00:02:58,136
- No, he slept
with his math teacher.
80
00:02:58,178 --> 00:02:59,512
That's why she got fired.
81
00:02:59,554 --> 00:03:01,389
- I thought she got fired
for giving him angel dust.
82
00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:03,058
- Yeah, Teddy,
I think that was the trade.
83
00:03:03,099 --> 00:03:04,100
- Oh.
Oh, wow--
84
00:03:04,142 --> 00:03:05,393
oh, yeah,
well, then that's a mess.
85
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:07,354
- Anyway, dude,
this is serious.
86
00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:08,938
I need to hurry up
and have sex with somebody
87
00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:10,815
before people find out
and I'm humiliated.
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00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:12,776
- You're right.
We gotta find a buyer.
89
00:03:12,817 --> 00:03:14,027
Fresh penis!
90
00:03:14,069 --> 00:03:15,153
Get your fresh penis here!
91
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,529
- Ted, Jesus Christ!
92
00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:18,531
- This penis used to belong
to a little old lady
93
00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:20,075
who only fucked it on Sundays!
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00:03:20,116 --> 00:03:21,493
Still has that new penis smell!
95
00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:22,619
- Will you shut up?
96
00:03:22,660 --> 00:03:24,162
- All right,
I'm just trying to help.
97
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:30,377
* *
98
00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:32,003
- Okay, what about Talia?
99
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:34,381
- Talia Winthrop is not
having sex with you.
100
00:03:34,422 --> 00:03:35,548
- Hey, you don't know that.
101
00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:37,258
- You ever seen the guys
she dates, Johnny?
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00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:38,510
They're brooding degenerates.
103
00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:40,053
They paint their nails.
104
00:03:40,095 --> 00:03:42,097
Is that what you want to do?
You want to paint your nails?
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00:03:42,138 --> 00:03:43,390
- I could paint my nails.
106
00:03:43,431 --> 00:03:44,891
- Oh, ok--oh, you want
to be nail-painting guy?
107
00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:47,102
Okay, get ready
to never be funny.
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00:03:47,143 --> 00:03:48,311
No more jokes.
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00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:49,688
You never get
to make a joke again.
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00:03:49,729 --> 00:03:50,605
- Why not?
111
00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:52,357
- Nail-paint guy
is very serious.
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00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:53,733
If you're on a cruise
and you spot
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00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:55,568
the captain bringing
a lady passenger
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00:03:55,610 --> 00:03:57,195
back to his cabin,
what do you say?
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00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,530
- Well, you say,
"Thar she blows."
116
00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:00,240
- No, you don't.
You say, "Good for them."
117
00:04:00,281 --> 00:04:03,076
You say, "Everyone deserves
love in this fucked-up world,"
118
00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:04,327
'cause you got painted nails.
119
00:04:04,369 --> 00:04:05,954
- Wait, can I--can I say,
"Shiver me timbers"?
120
00:04:05,995 --> 00:04:07,330
- No, you cannot.
No jokes.
121
00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:08,456
Only finger colors.
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00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:10,250
[door opens]
123
00:04:10,291 --> 00:04:11,584
Oh, hey, Blaire.
Hey, you think
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00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:13,253
one of your college friends
would be willing
125
00:04:13,294 --> 00:04:14,838
to have sex with John?
126
00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:16,214
- [sarcastically]
Yeah, every lit major wants
127
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:18,299
to have sex with a teenager
on his Star Wars sheets.
128
00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:20,719
- Oh, and a bad relationship
with her father is a plus.
129
00:04:20,760 --> 00:04:21,886
You got any friends like that?
130
00:04:21,928 --> 00:04:23,763
- Okay, why are you
asking me this?
131
00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:25,849
- 'Cause I'm the last virgin
in my class.
132
00:04:25,890 --> 00:04:27,100
- Come on,
your friends are always
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00:04:27,142 --> 00:04:28,226
trying to do good in the world.
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00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:29,561
How about one of 'em
takes a break
135
00:04:29,602 --> 00:04:31,438
from feeding the hungry
to fuck the desperate?
136
00:04:31,479 --> 00:04:33,440
- Yeah, no.
I'm not helping you.
137
00:04:33,481 --> 00:04:35,442
- God, I'm pathetic.
138
00:04:35,483 --> 00:04:37,485
- Ah, come on.
There's a lot of cool virgins.
139
00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:39,779
The Flying Nun,
140
00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:42,407
Richie Rich,
141
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:44,075
the Lincoln Memorial...
142
00:04:46,494 --> 00:04:47,537
That yearbook.
143
00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:49,330
- I've never had sex,
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00:04:49,372 --> 00:04:50,749
never had a girlfriend.
145
00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:52,667
Fuck, I've never even
kissed anybody.
146
00:04:52,709 --> 00:04:54,336
- You kissed Michael Dukakis
147
00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:55,628
at that parade
when you were nine.
148
00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:57,255
- Yeah, that doesn't count.
He kissed me.
149
00:04:57,297 --> 00:05:00,050
- It was passionate enough
that they ran it in the paper.
150
00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:01,426
Look, don't worry, Johnny.
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00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,053
There's a lot of alleys
in Boston.
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00:05:03,094 --> 00:05:04,763
One of them's gotta
have a glory hole.
153
00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:07,515
And if it doesn't,
we're going to Worcester.
154
00:05:10,477 --> 00:05:12,520
- Look at all these
welfare queens.
155
00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:14,564
See, tha-that's the problem
with this country.
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00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:16,316
Everybody expects
everything handed to them
157
00:05:16,358 --> 00:05:18,318
on a silver platter.
158
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:19,527
- Hey, guys.
159
00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:22,030
Um, can I talk to you
about something?
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00:05:22,072 --> 00:05:23,323
- You want a tuna sandwich?
161
00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:24,824
- No, I'm--I'm okay.
162
00:05:24,866 --> 00:05:26,451
Um...
163
00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:27,911
it's about John.
164
00:05:27,952 --> 00:05:32,999
Uh, I think he might be
on the verge of--
165
00:05:34,542 --> 00:05:36,252
Well, I--I think
he's interested
166
00:05:36,294 --> 00:05:38,630
in becoming sexually active.
167
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:41,341
- What do you mean?
168
00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:45,178
- Well, I don't really know
how I can be clearer than that.
169
00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:48,848
Um, have you guys ever talked
to John a-about sex?
170
00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:51,142
- Course not.
He's only 16.
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00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:53,311
- Talking about sex is rude.
172
00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:55,689
- So you're gonna rely
on a gym teacher
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00:05:55,730 --> 00:05:57,565
and a horny teddy bear?
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00:05:57,607 --> 00:05:58,608
I mean, how do you
expect him to learn
175
00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:00,151
what he needs to know?
176
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:02,529
- When you get drafted,
they show you a film.
177
00:06:02,570 --> 00:06:06,449
- Look, I get it can be
an awkward conversation,
178
00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:07,617
but it's really important.
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00:06:07,659 --> 00:06:08,702
- Tony Randall was in it.
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00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:10,787
- You're
absolutely right, Blaire.
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00:06:10,829 --> 00:06:12,706
You know what I'm gonna do?
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00:06:12,747 --> 00:06:15,583
I'm gonna clip an Ask Beth
from "The Globe,"
183
00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:17,669
and I'll slide it
under his door.
184
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:19,421
- Guys, there's
nothing shameful
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00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:20,839
about human sexuality.
186
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,048
- You've never been
in a strip club
187
00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:24,175
when the lights come on.
188
00:06:25,593 --> 00:06:26,720
And neither have I.
189
00:06:26,761 --> 00:06:28,513
- Matty, this isn't
a joke, okay?
190
00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:29,889
He needs to know this stuff.
191
00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:32,642
- Look, I-I'll talk to him
when the time is right.
192
00:06:32,684 --> 00:06:33,810
- And I'm telling you,
193
00:06:33,852 --> 00:06:36,146
as somebody who knows him
really well,
194
00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:37,647
it's the right time.
195
00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:39,149
Okay, I think
you're trying to avoid
196
00:06:39,190 --> 00:06:40,400
an uncomfortable conversation,
197
00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:42,235
and honestly,
that's selfish of you.
198
00:06:42,277 --> 00:06:44,320
- All I'm trying to do
is eat my lunch here.
199
00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:45,780
Jesus.
200
00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:47,365
Your period coming in
or something?
201
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:50,201
- I--what?
202
00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,037
- Forget it.
- Coming in?
203
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:53,747
Like it's my fucking
adult teeth?
204
00:06:53,788 --> 00:06:55,540
- Forget I brought it up.
- Fuck, it sounds like
205
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,250
you need the talk, not him.
206
00:06:57,292 --> 00:06:59,627
Do you have any idea
how a period actually works?
207
00:06:59,669 --> 00:07:01,046
- I know enough.
208
00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:02,422
- No one's ever explained it
to you, have they?
209
00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:03,840
- I tried once,
210
00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:06,301
but Matty said it was
too close to the holidays.
211
00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:08,011
- Oh, my God.
Aunt Suze,
212
00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:09,888
think about your son,
all right?
213
00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:11,264
Don't you want John to grow up
214
00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:13,266
to be a sexually healthy adult?
215
00:07:13,308 --> 00:07:15,477
- Blaire, language.
216
00:07:15,518 --> 00:07:17,354
- My parents never talked
to me about sex.
217
00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:20,148
I figured it all out on my own,
and I'm doing just fine.
218
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,527
- We'll talk to John.
219
00:07:24,569 --> 00:07:30,075
* *
220
00:07:30,116 --> 00:07:32,077
[knock on door]
221
00:07:32,118 --> 00:07:33,161
- Come in.
222
00:07:34,329 --> 00:07:35,288
- John?
223
00:07:35,330 --> 00:07:36,623
- Yeah?
224
00:07:36,664 --> 00:07:37,832
- Are you alone?
225
00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:39,250
- Yeah.
Yeah, Teddy went
226
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:40,543
to the store to get Doritos.
227
00:07:40,585 --> 00:07:42,921
- Oh, we have Doritos
here at the house, honey.
228
00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:45,131
- We do?
- Oh, yeah, always.
229
00:07:45,173 --> 00:07:46,883
- Oh, that's right.
We're trash.
230
00:07:46,925 --> 00:07:48,635
- John, your father and I,
231
00:07:48,677 --> 00:07:52,597
we want to talk to you
about something.
232
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:55,183
It's a private thing.
233
00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:56,184
- What is it?
234
00:08:00,188 --> 00:08:02,190
- John,
235
00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:08,530
sometimes when two grown-ups
are married,
236
00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:11,157
and they're in a bed,
237
00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:13,535
and it's nighttime,
238
00:08:13,576 --> 00:08:17,706
they get this funny feeling
in their bathing suit areas.
239
00:08:17,747 --> 00:08:19,499
- Jesus Christ, Susan!
240
00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:20,583
It's like this, John.
241
00:08:20,625 --> 00:08:22,127
Men and women have
different parts,
242
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:24,587
and those parts fit together
like a piston and a cylinder.
243
00:08:24,629 --> 00:08:26,214
Just give the motor
a minute to warm up.
244
00:08:26,256 --> 00:08:28,008
If you gun it,
you're gonna blow a gasket,
245
00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:30,218
seize up, and you're
looking at minimum a grand
246
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,261
for a new engine block.
247
00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:33,179
That's sex.
248
00:08:33,221 --> 00:08:34,597
Fuck me.
249
00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,687
- John.
250
00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:50,697
Someday, when you're older,
251
00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:54,034
you're gonna have
your first time,
252
00:08:54,075 --> 00:08:56,703
and it should
be special, honey.
253
00:08:56,745 --> 00:08:57,912
- Yeah, I'll be fine, Mom.
254
00:08:57,954 --> 00:09:00,457
- I want it to be better
than my first time.
255
00:09:00,498 --> 00:09:01,416
- God, no, please don't--
256
00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:04,044
- It was 1974.
257
00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:07,130
And your father and I were
staying at a Howard Johnson's
258
00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:11,509
off the turnpike,
and things were moving quickly,
259
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:15,388
when suddenly there was
a news bulletin on the TV.
260
00:09:15,430 --> 00:09:18,183
Nixon had resigned.
261
00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:21,811
Oh, your father,
he was so distracted
262
00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:23,772
and just so agitated and--
263
00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:25,482
- Mom, really,
you don't have to do this.
264
00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:28,151
- I tried to get him back
into bed, but he wouldn't.
265
00:09:28,193 --> 00:09:30,403
He was too upset.
He just kept yelling,
266
00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:33,406
"The hippies have won!
The hippies have won!
267
00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:36,076
They've won!
They've won!"
268
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:37,744
[sighs]
269
00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:40,121
I hope this helped.
270
00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:47,212
* *
271
00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:50,757
[lighter flicking]
272
00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:52,967
- Ugh.
[exhales]
273
00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:54,928
This fucking resin's
giving me a headache.
274
00:09:54,969 --> 00:09:56,638
Can't you call your guy?
275
00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:58,390
- Ah, my guy won't
sell to me on Shabbat.
276
00:09:58,431 --> 00:09:59,391
- Ah, shit.
277
00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:03,478
Teddy, what if
I'm a virgin forever?
278
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:04,521
I mean, what do I do?
279
00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:06,064
- [coughing]
Look,
280
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:07,816
I know the glory hole thing
didn't work out,
281
00:10:07,857 --> 00:10:09,734
but at least we got
to see the city.
282
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,194
We met that
friendly homeless guy
283
00:10:11,236 --> 00:10:13,154
who taught us a lesson
and then died.
284
00:10:13,196 --> 00:10:15,573
- Yeah, but I mean, like,
what if this is my future?
285
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,033
- Well, if it is,
you just gotta learn
286
00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:18,952
to live with the embarrassment.
287
00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:20,954
- Yeah, I mean,
it could be worse.
288
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:22,997
I mean, Mr. Belvedere sat
on his own balls
289
00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:24,457
and had to go to the hospital.
290
00:10:24,499 --> 00:10:26,167
- What?
- Yeah.
291
00:10:26,209 --> 00:10:27,961
Yeah.
I mean, that's humiliation.
292
00:10:28,003 --> 00:10:30,755
- Like--like, Mr. Belvedere
from the TV show?
293
00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:31,881
- Yeah.
Yeah, man.
294
00:10:31,923 --> 00:10:33,008
He was riding in a convertible
295
00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:34,217
during the Hollywood
Christmas parade,
296
00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:36,428
fell backwards,
crushed his own balls.
297
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:38,013
- Jesus.
298
00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:41,933
Would you rather have that
happen to you at a parade
299
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:45,186
or what happened to JFK
happen to you at a parade?
300
00:10:45,228 --> 00:10:46,646
- Oh, God,
I honestly don't know.
301
00:10:46,688 --> 00:10:47,981
- Yeah, that's
a tough one, right?
302
00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:49,232
- That's a really tough one.
That's, like, one of
303
00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:50,316
the hardest would-you-rathers
I've ever heard.
304
00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:51,484
- I know.
That's, like, a brainteaser.
305
00:10:51,526 --> 00:10:52,652
- God, I'm too high
to think about that.
306
00:10:52,694 --> 00:10:54,154
- Yeah, it's a tough one.
307
00:10:57,615 --> 00:10:59,409
- Okay, all right, fuck this.
308
00:10:59,451 --> 00:11:00,994
We gotta get some real weed.
309
00:11:01,036 --> 00:11:02,996
- Hey, what about
Sheila Borgwardt?
310
00:11:03,038 --> 00:11:04,247
- What, like,
smoking-hot Sheila?
311
00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:06,291
- Yeah, remember,
she hooked us up before.
312
00:11:06,332 --> 00:11:08,710
She sent us to that dealer
who turned out to be Blaire.
313
00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:10,045
- Oh, yeah, that wasn't good.
314
00:11:10,086 --> 00:11:12,422
- Well, it's just like
Homeless Joe said.
315
00:11:12,464 --> 00:11:13,506
Be careful what you wish...
316
00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:14,841
[together] Agh, my heart.
317
00:11:14,883 --> 00:11:16,885
- Yeah.
- Yeah, he died.
318
00:11:16,926 --> 00:11:24,059
* *
319
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:31,649
Oh. Hey.
320
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:32,692
- Hey.
321
00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:33,860
Ted, right?
322
00:11:33,902 --> 00:11:34,903
- Yeah, that's right.
323
00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:36,863
Uh, hey, is your sister here?
324
00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:38,823
- Uh, yeah.
325
00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:41,326
Sheila, you got company!
326
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:42,494
See you later.
327
00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:48,541
John?
328
00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:50,001
- Oh. Hi, Bethany.
329
00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,753
- Hi. How's it going?
330
00:11:51,795 --> 00:11:52,962
- Uh, it's going good.
331
00:11:53,004 --> 00:11:54,673
My, uh--
my teddy bear's upstairs
332
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:55,674
buying drugs from your sister.
333
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:57,217
- Ah, nice.
334
00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:02,681
Wh--sex ed class was weird
the other day.
335
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:04,057
- Oh, yeah, it was super weird.
336
00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:05,642
- Yeah, I still can't
get the image
337
00:12:05,684 --> 00:12:08,853
of Mr. Maynard putting a condom
on a banana out of my head.
338
00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:10,355
- Oh, yeah, I know, right?
Like--
339
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,357
like, can you imagine,
like, being a banana,
340
00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:15,026
and--and, like, you get picked,
and then you get put on a boat,
341
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,277
and then you get put
into the market,
342
00:12:16,319 --> 00:12:18,363
and--and you're thinking
the whole time, like,
343
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:21,408
oh, I hope I get to be made
into, like, a cream pie
344
00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:24,994
or, like,
used as a phone for humor.
345
00:12:25,036 --> 00:12:26,413
And then you're just
sitting in our class,
346
00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:28,289
pretending to be a dick.
347
00:12:29,791 --> 00:12:30,792
- Well, I-I gotta go.
348
00:12:30,834 --> 00:12:31,918
- Oh, okay, yeah, for sure.
349
00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:33,003
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Good to see you.
350
00:12:33,044 --> 00:12:35,088
See you later.
351
00:12:35,130 --> 00:12:36,506
- You promise this is just
for you, right?
352
00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:38,591
'Cause I don't want
to get busted for enabling.
353
00:12:38,633 --> 00:12:41,386
- Nope, just me and the rest of
the guys in the doo-wop group.
354
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:43,930
Those guys need a buzz
to feel the music, you know.
355
00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:45,265
Me, I'm good when I'm straight.
356
00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:46,808
That's why I'm always
the one talking
357
00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:48,101
to management about payment.
358
00:12:48,143 --> 00:12:49,394
You know, anything
logistic like that,
359
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:50,687
it always falls on my--
- Yeah, yeah.
360
00:12:50,729 --> 00:12:51,813
You looking
for something mellow
361
00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:52,939
or something more potent?
362
00:12:52,981 --> 00:12:53,982
- Well, my last guy gave me
363
00:12:54,024 --> 00:12:55,066
something that was pretty good.
364
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,526
It was called
Confident Gorilla.
365
00:12:56,568 --> 00:12:58,278
You got any of that?
- I don't think so,
366
00:12:58,319 --> 00:13:01,740
but I just got this new batch
called Heartbeat Fingers.
367
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:04,409
- Ah, yeah, no, that--no,
tha-that doesn't sound so good.
368
00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:05,410
Uh, uh, what else?
369
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:06,536
- Uh, let me look.
370
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,622
- So, Sheila,
371
00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:12,042
no offense, but you ever think
about doing something
372
00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:14,544
about that god-awful name?
373
00:13:18,381 --> 00:13:19,507
Got it.
374
00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:20,592
- Oh, hell yeah.
375
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:21,968
- Yeah, by the way, just FYI,
376
00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:23,970
Sheila is
her dead mother's name,
377
00:13:24,012 --> 00:13:25,972
so we're not allowed
to shop here anymore.
378
00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:27,891
- Oh, man, Kafka Trip?
379
00:13:27,932 --> 00:13:29,142
Isn't this the stuff
that made me think
380
00:13:29,184 --> 00:13:30,894
the Land O'Lakes lady
was mad at me?
381
00:13:30,935 --> 00:13:32,479
- Well, she only had
a few other batches.
382
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:36,232
Uh, Heartbeat Fingers,
Bathroom Mirror Reckoning,
383
00:13:36,274 --> 00:13:39,152
What Was That,
and Why Won't The Pee Start.
384
00:13:39,194 --> 00:13:40,653
- Yikes.
- All right, go on.
385
00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:41,780
Put it in your bag.
386
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,156
- Hey!
387
00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:45,200
Hey, we need that pot,
you motherfucker!
388
00:13:46,451 --> 00:13:49,037
[both grunting]
389
00:13:49,079 --> 00:13:50,955
Get off me!
390
00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:56,878
- Jesus, nice save!
391
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:58,421
- Man, fuck that guy.
392
00:13:58,463 --> 00:14:00,215
We should call
the fucking cops.
393
00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:03,301
- Yeah, maybe--maybe
under the circumstances, no.
394
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:05,178
- Oh, my God!
Are you okay?
395
00:14:05,220 --> 00:14:07,639
- Oh, hey, Bethany.
396
00:14:07,681 --> 00:14:09,265
Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.
397
00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:12,018
- I can't believe you did that.
That was so cool!
398
00:14:12,060 --> 00:14:13,812
- No, I was just reacting
in the moment.
399
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:14,896
It's not that big a deal.
400
00:14:14,938 --> 00:14:17,023
- No, that took guts.
401
00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:19,693
You're, like, kind of awesome.
402
00:14:19,734 --> 00:14:21,653
- Well, you know, when you're
addicted to a substance,
403
00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:23,613
you can do anything
you put your mind to.
404
00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:27,534
- I have swim practice
tomorrow afternoon,
405
00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:33,164
but after that, would you
maybe want to hang out?
406
00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:36,876
Maybe see a movie
or get food or whatever?
407
00:14:36,918 --> 00:14:39,796
- Yeah. Yeah, sure.
408
00:14:39,838 --> 00:14:40,964
- Want to pick me up at 7:00?
409
00:14:41,006 --> 00:14:42,590
- Definitely.
410
00:14:42,632 --> 00:14:44,801
- Cool.
411
00:14:44,843 --> 00:14:46,052
- See ya.
412
00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:50,557
Holy shit, I got a date.
413
00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:51,558
- A date?
414
00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:53,059
Johnny, look
at the big picture.
415
00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:54,894
This is your chance
to have sex.
416
00:14:54,936 --> 00:14:55,937
- What, you think so?
417
00:14:55,979 --> 00:14:57,230
- She called you "cool."
418
00:14:57,272 --> 00:14:58,857
Chicks have sex with cool guys.
419
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,233
- Yeah. Yeah, maybe.
420
00:15:00,275 --> 00:15:01,901
- Fuck "maybe."
Trust me on this.
421
00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:04,696
We are gonna make sure you
don't blow this opportunity.
422
00:15:04,738 --> 00:15:06,197
And I will guide you.
423
00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:08,867
I will be...
[grunting]
424
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,744
Your Master Yoda.
425
00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:11,995
- I mean, I guess I could try.
426
00:15:12,037 --> 00:15:14,247
- Screw or screw not.
There is no try.
427
00:15:14,289 --> 00:15:15,915
Now, let's get you
some exercise.
428
00:15:15,957 --> 00:15:17,709
Run, Johnny, run! Run!
429
00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:20,670
"Yes, a Jedi's strength flows
from the Force,
430
00:15:20,712 --> 00:15:22,088
but beware the dark side."
431
00:15:22,130 --> 00:15:24,382
I mean, unless
she says it's okay.
432
00:15:28,678 --> 00:15:32,140
[jazzy music]
433
00:15:32,182 --> 00:15:33,892
* *
434
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,143
- Are we sure about this?
435
00:15:35,185 --> 00:15:36,353
- Look, you gotta have condoms
436
00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:37,812
locked and loaded on your date.
437
00:15:37,854 --> 00:15:39,356
When you get--well, you know,
438
00:15:39,397 --> 00:15:41,816
maybe not loaded, obviously,
but you gotta be ready.
439
00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:43,985
- There's a lot of options.
I don't know what to pick.
440
00:15:44,027 --> 00:15:46,696
- Well, which one
speaks to you?
441
00:15:46,738 --> 00:15:48,198
- Maybe these?
442
00:15:48,239 --> 00:15:49,657
"Ribbed for her pleasure"?
443
00:15:49,699 --> 00:15:51,785
- Good choice.
And you want to know a trick?
444
00:15:51,826 --> 00:15:54,788
You turn it inside out
and steal the pleasure.
445
00:15:54,829 --> 00:15:56,039
- You can do that?
446
00:15:56,081 --> 00:15:57,123
- Oh, yeah, she'll be like,
447
00:15:57,165 --> 00:15:58,416
where's the pleasure?
448
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:00,543
And you'll be like,
uh, uh, uh, I don't know.
449
00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:02,545
Uh, I didn't know
there was any pleasure.
450
00:16:02,587 --> 00:16:04,881
- Can I help you young men
pick out a condom?
451
00:16:04,923 --> 00:16:06,466
- Uh, no.
452
00:16:06,508 --> 00:16:08,385
Act-actually, we were--
we were just leaving.
453
00:16:08,426 --> 00:16:09,761
- Oh, please don't go.
454
00:16:09,803 --> 00:16:11,554
One of the joys
of my job is pairing
455
00:16:11,596 --> 00:16:13,306
the right young man
with the right condom.
456
00:16:13,348 --> 00:16:15,392
- Oh, that's...normal.
457
00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:17,560
- Well, I don't really know
what I want.
458
00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,187
- Well, tell me about the girl.
459
00:16:19,229 --> 00:16:21,898
- Um, she's got
medium brown hair,
460
00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:23,108
average height.
461
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:24,776
I-I think she might be
on the swim team.
462
00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:26,695
- I see. Jewish?
463
00:16:26,736 --> 00:16:28,113
- I don't think so.
464
00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:30,115
- Well, that rules these out.
465
00:16:30,156 --> 00:16:31,533
What about community activism?
466
00:16:31,574 --> 00:16:32,867
Does she do any charity work?
467
00:16:32,909 --> 00:16:35,120
- I--I honestly don't know.
468
00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:38,289
- Why don't you try a Ramses?
469
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:41,334
Sturdy, solid,
made for all kinds of weather,
470
00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:43,628
can withstand
over 300 pounds of torque.
471
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:46,047
- Oh, Johnny, how many pounds
of torque were you gonna do?
472
00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:47,841
- Uh, thank you.
473
00:16:47,882 --> 00:16:49,175
- I just want to say,
I've been watching
474
00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:50,427
you shop here for years.
475
00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:52,429
I've been waiting for this day.
476
00:16:52,470 --> 00:16:55,890
Frankly, I thought it would
come a little sooner, but...
477
00:16:55,932 --> 00:16:57,434
[whispers] Congratulations.
478
00:16:57,475 --> 00:16:59,185
- I need an adult!
I need an adult!
479
00:16:59,227 --> 00:17:00,478
- It's okay.
It's all right, Johnny.
480
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:01,688
It's all right.
Look, uh, here you go, buddy.
481
00:17:01,730 --> 00:17:02,689
Keep the extra.
482
00:17:02,731 --> 00:17:03,982
- Hey! You!
483
00:17:04,024 --> 00:17:05,316
Get away from that kid!
484
00:17:06,818 --> 00:17:08,570
Now, how can I help you?
485
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:14,117
* *
486
00:17:14,159 --> 00:17:15,952
- Okay, now, I'm gonna
time you on this.
487
00:17:15,994 --> 00:17:17,203
- This feels weird.
488
00:17:17,245 --> 00:17:18,997
- Look, you have trouble
taking off her bra,
489
00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:20,123
she's gonna know
you're a virgin.
490
00:17:20,165 --> 00:17:21,249
- Shit, really?
491
00:17:21,291 --> 00:17:22,208
- Trust me, all right?
492
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:23,710
Now take it off.
493
00:17:23,752 --> 00:17:25,795
- Okay.
494
00:17:25,837 --> 00:17:27,047
What are you doing?
495
00:17:27,088 --> 00:17:28,131
- Well, I'm not gonna
make it easy for you.
496
00:17:28,173 --> 00:17:29,132
You gotta work for it.
497
00:17:29,174 --> 00:17:30,508
- Jesus.
498
00:17:32,302 --> 00:17:34,304
Jesus Christ, Teddy,
just let me do the clasp.
499
00:17:34,346 --> 00:17:35,680
- Oh, no, you gotta earn it.
500
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:38,016
All right, now let's pretend
you're a randy executive
501
00:17:38,058 --> 00:17:39,684
and I'm your secretary.
Go.
502
00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:42,145
[high-pitched] Mr. Bennett,
Mr. Bennett, control yourself!
503
00:17:42,187 --> 00:17:44,814
For heaven sakes, Mr. Bennett,
you're a married man!
504
00:17:44,856 --> 00:17:46,107
- Teddy, come on!
505
00:17:46,149 --> 00:17:47,484
- Who's Teddy?
I'm Debra.
506
00:17:47,525 --> 00:17:49,361
I just moved to the big city
507
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:50,945
with nothing but a suitcase
full of dreams
508
00:17:50,987 --> 00:17:53,073
and an associate's degree
from Katharine Gibbs.
509
00:17:53,114 --> 00:17:54,908
- Uh, hi.
510
00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:56,618
What the hell are you doing
in my bra?
511
00:17:56,659 --> 00:17:59,120
- The question is, what
am I stilldoing in your bra.
512
00:17:59,162 --> 00:18:00,830
Johnny?
513
00:18:00,872 --> 00:18:02,624
- I've got a date
with Bethany Borgwardt,
514
00:18:02,665 --> 00:18:04,167
and I'm--
515
00:18:04,209 --> 00:18:06,002
I'm practicing
in case we have sex.
516
00:18:06,044 --> 00:18:08,505
- Practicing what?
517
00:18:08,546 --> 00:18:10,382
- I want her to think
I'm experienced,
518
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,258
you know,
like I've done it a lot.
519
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:13,635
- Okay.
520
00:18:13,677 --> 00:18:16,680
Well, I do have some thoughts
on the topic.
521
00:18:16,721 --> 00:18:19,683
Uh, one, whoever this girl is,
522
00:18:19,724 --> 00:18:20,975
she's not gonna want
to have sex with you
523
00:18:21,017 --> 00:18:22,644
if she thinks that's
all you're interested in.
524
00:18:22,686 --> 00:18:25,980
And two, she's definitely not
gonna be into it if she thinks
525
00:18:26,022 --> 00:18:27,565
you've been sleeping around
with other girls.
526
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:29,359
- Wait, so I can't want
to have sex with her?
527
00:18:29,401 --> 00:18:30,694
- No, you just--
528
00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:32,737
eh, you can't want it
too much, you know?
529
00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:35,240
- Okay, well, what's
the right amount to want it?
530
00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:36,741
- Just be yourself.
531
00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:37,659
Okay?
532
00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:38,993
The rest will happen naturally.
533
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:41,371
- Yeah, if I may count it,
John has been himself
534
00:18:41,413 --> 00:18:44,833
for 16 years and raked in
exactly zero vagina.
535
00:18:44,874 --> 00:18:46,876
Am I getting that number
right, John, zero?
536
00:18:46,918 --> 00:18:48,545
- Yeah, yeah, zero.
537
00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:50,505
I think--
[sighs]
538
00:18:50,547 --> 00:18:52,007
I think I'm gonna
do it Ted's way.
539
00:18:52,048 --> 00:18:54,759
- That is a very
self-destructive sentence.
540
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:57,053
- Blaire, please, you're
disrupting a teachable moment.
541
00:18:57,095 --> 00:18:58,221
- Fuck it.
542
00:18:58,263 --> 00:18:59,222
Whatever, I tried.
543
00:18:59,264 --> 00:19:00,724
Just give me my bra back.
544
00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:05,854
- Now you know!
545
00:19:07,939 --> 00:19:09,691
- Teddy, we're missing
something here.
546
00:19:09,733 --> 00:19:10,817
- What?
547
00:19:10,859 --> 00:19:12,402
- How am I even supposed
to get to the sex
548
00:19:12,444 --> 00:19:14,029
if she doesn't have
a good time?
549
00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:16,114
I mean, I haven't even
planned the fucking date.
550
00:19:16,156 --> 00:19:17,699
- Johnny, you are gonna
take her
551
00:19:17,741 --> 00:19:19,576
on the best date of her life.
552
00:19:19,617 --> 00:19:20,744
- What do you mean? How?
553
00:19:20,785 --> 00:19:22,454
- Your teddy bear's
got you covered.
554
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:27,917
* *
555
00:19:27,959 --> 00:19:29,419
Hey, Bethany.
556
00:19:29,461 --> 00:19:31,212
This is for you.
557
00:19:31,254 --> 00:19:32,714
- Ted?
558
00:19:32,756 --> 00:19:33,590
What's this?
559
00:19:33,631 --> 00:19:35,592
- Your attire for the evening.
560
00:19:35,633 --> 00:19:38,219
- Wh--I-I'm wearing
my outfit for the evening.
561
00:19:38,261 --> 00:19:39,220
Where's John?
562
00:19:39,262 --> 00:19:40,347
- He awaits you
563
00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:42,557
on your flying carpet.
564
00:19:42,599 --> 00:19:46,102
[sweeping orchestral music]
565
00:19:46,144 --> 00:19:53,068
* *
566
00:20:01,117 --> 00:20:03,661
- Oh, John, I-I can't believe
you did this.
567
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:06,081
- Yeah, well,
it's our first date.
568
00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:08,500
I wanted to make it special.
569
00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:11,878
- I have sort of
a confession to make.
570
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,380
- What is it?
571
00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:15,090
- I still haven't seen
"Aladdin."
572
00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:17,467
- Aw, man.
Are you serious?
573
00:20:17,509 --> 00:20:19,219
I thought, like,
every girl loved that movie.
574
00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:20,679
- My friends love it.
575
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,931
I have kind of weird taste
in movies.
576
00:20:22,972 --> 00:20:24,349
- Like what?
577
00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:25,433
- It's kind of embarrassing.
578
00:20:25,475 --> 00:20:26,976
- No, you gotta tell me now.
579
00:20:27,018 --> 00:20:30,772
- Well, there's
this really good bad movie
580
00:20:30,814 --> 00:20:33,149
from the early '80s
called "Flash Gordon."
581
00:20:33,191 --> 00:20:35,402
- No fuckin' way!
582
00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:36,528
- You've seen "Flash Gordon"?
583
00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:37,946
- Oh, only, like,
a thousand times!
584
00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:39,447
Of course.
It's my favorite fucking movie.
585
00:20:39,489 --> 00:20:40,657
- You're just saying that.
- No, no, no.
586
00:20:40,699 --> 00:20:43,034
"Who are you?
Flash Gordon.
587
00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:44,452
Quarterback, New York Jets."
588
00:20:44,494 --> 00:20:47,038
- I love that!
And when Princess Aura's like,
589
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:49,290
"Father! Damn you, Father!"
590
00:20:49,332 --> 00:20:51,543
- Oh, man, is that a
four-pack-a-day voice or what?
591
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,420
- Dude, those lungs
are working overtime.
592
00:20:53,461 --> 00:20:54,879
- Oh, and when
Prince Vultan is like,
593
00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:57,340
"That must be one hell
of a planet you men come from."
594
00:20:57,382 --> 00:20:58,341
And Flash says..
595
00:20:58,383 --> 00:20:59,884
[together] "Not too bad."
596
00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:00,927
- Oh, my God.
597
00:21:00,969 --> 00:21:02,637
Holy shit.
598
00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:05,348
I have never met a girl
who liked that movie.
599
00:21:05,390 --> 00:21:07,809
- Well, now you have.
600
00:21:12,272 --> 00:21:13,231
- Oh, shit!
601
00:21:13,273 --> 00:21:14,315
[tires screech]
602
00:21:14,357 --> 00:21:15,358
- Ah!
603
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,360
[both grunting]
604
00:21:17,402 --> 00:21:18,862
[squirrel chitters]
605
00:21:20,238 --> 00:21:21,364
- Oh, my God!
606
00:21:21,406 --> 00:21:23,241
Jesus Christ,
are you guys okay?
607
00:21:23,283 --> 00:21:24,701
- I think so.
608
00:21:24,743 --> 00:21:26,161
- Johnny, Johnny,
you all right?
609
00:21:26,202 --> 00:21:27,287
Talk to me!
610
00:21:27,328 --> 00:21:29,914
- Teddy?
611
00:21:29,956 --> 00:21:31,041
Did I sex?
612
00:21:31,082 --> 00:21:32,500
- You sure did, buddy.
613
00:21:32,542 --> 00:21:34,127
You sexed real good.
614
00:21:34,169 --> 00:21:35,879
You sexed real good.
615
00:21:37,589 --> 00:21:43,511
* *
616
00:21:43,553 --> 00:21:45,555
- You know, you're lucky
you weren't more hurt.
617
00:21:45,597 --> 00:21:46,890
How are you feeling now?
618
00:21:46,931 --> 00:21:48,850
- Not too bad, actually.
My arm is a little--
619
00:21:48,892 --> 00:21:50,018
- No, him.
620
00:21:50,060 --> 00:21:51,102
- Oh, right, yeah.
621
00:21:51,144 --> 00:21:52,228
- I'm okay.
622
00:21:52,270 --> 00:21:54,230
Uh, you know, it doesn't
hurt that much.
623
00:21:54,272 --> 00:21:57,067
Uh, doctor, I-I really have
no idea how this happened.
624
00:21:57,108 --> 00:21:59,152
You know, we were both
sitting inside the car,
625
00:21:59,194 --> 00:22:00,487
and we had our seatbelts on,
626
00:22:00,528 --> 00:22:01,863
you know,
as is required by law--
627
00:22:01,905 --> 00:22:04,324
- Son, this isn't
my first night in the ER.
628
00:22:04,366 --> 00:22:06,159
I saw the carpet burns.
629
00:22:06,201 --> 00:22:09,412
I know when kids have been
"A Whole New World-ing."
630
00:22:09,454 --> 00:22:11,039
I curse the day
that movie came out.
631
00:22:11,081 --> 00:22:13,083
All right.
You're gonna be okay.
632
00:22:13,124 --> 00:22:14,542
There's no concussion.
633
00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:17,087
But I need you to get some rest
for the next few days.
634
00:22:17,128 --> 00:22:18,421
And stay off cars.
635
00:22:18,463 --> 00:22:20,674
- Okay. Thanks.
636
00:22:22,842 --> 00:22:27,222
- Listen, I'm--
I'm sorry about tonight.
637
00:22:27,263 --> 00:22:28,223
You know, it was stupid.
638
00:22:28,264 --> 00:22:29,891
- No, it wasn't.
639
00:22:29,933 --> 00:22:32,727
It was romantic and thoughtful.
640
00:22:32,769 --> 00:22:34,104
- Wait, so you're not mad?
641
00:22:34,145 --> 00:22:35,397
- No.
642
00:22:35,438 --> 00:22:38,775
I like you--a lot.
643
00:22:38,817 --> 00:22:40,860
- Okay, well,
do you maybe want to go
644
00:22:40,902 --> 00:22:42,404
on an inside-the-car date
sometime?
645
00:22:42,445 --> 00:22:43,780
- [chuckles]
646
00:22:43,822 --> 00:22:45,240
I have a better idea.
647
00:22:45,281 --> 00:22:47,867
I was supposed to go
to the prom with Danny Hirsh,
648
00:22:47,909 --> 00:22:50,328
but his acne has
reached a point
649
00:22:50,370 --> 00:22:52,330
where I need to take action.
650
00:22:52,372 --> 00:22:54,499
Would you maybe want to go?
651
00:22:54,541 --> 00:22:55,792
- Yeah.
652
00:22:55,834 --> 00:22:57,127
Yeah, yeah, of course.
653
00:22:57,168 --> 00:22:59,129
- Cool.
654
00:22:59,170 --> 00:23:02,799
I'm actually kind of surprised
you don't have a date already.
655
00:23:02,841 --> 00:23:05,010
Although I guess
I haven't seen you
656
00:23:05,051 --> 00:23:06,678
around school
with a girlfriend.
657
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:09,347
- Oh, John's had
lots of girlfriends.
658
00:23:09,389 --> 00:23:10,557
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
659
00:23:10,598 --> 00:23:12,017
Oh, yeah.
You're looking at a guy
660
00:23:12,058 --> 00:23:14,477
with a whole lot
of experience...
661
00:23:14,519 --> 00:23:15,687
with fucking.
662
00:23:15,729 --> 00:23:16,730
Right, Johnny?
663
00:23:16,771 --> 00:23:18,940
- Uh--uh, yeah.
664
00:23:18,982 --> 00:23:21,359
Yeah, I'm still sore
from yesterday, you know?
665
00:23:21,401 --> 00:23:24,237
Yeah, a whole lot of--
whole lot of pounds of torque.
666
00:23:24,279 --> 00:23:25,572
- Oh.
- Trust me,
667
00:23:25,613 --> 00:23:27,574
this guy knows his way
around a woman.
668
00:23:27,615 --> 00:23:29,034
You know what they call him
at school?
669
00:23:29,075 --> 00:23:30,493
The Ladyboy.
670
00:23:30,535 --> 00:23:32,537
He's that seasoned.
671
00:23:32,579 --> 00:23:34,539
- Sorry, we need this room.
672
00:23:34,581 --> 00:23:37,083
We got another one.
673
00:23:37,125 --> 00:23:39,336
Goddamn movie.
674
00:23:39,377 --> 00:23:42,589
* *
675
00:23:42,630 --> 00:23:44,424
- Guess what?
676
00:23:44,466 --> 00:23:48,720
One of the eggs had two yolks.
677
00:23:48,762 --> 00:23:51,056
I can't wait to get invited
to a party.
678
00:23:51,097 --> 00:23:52,515
I have small talk.
679
00:23:52,557 --> 00:23:56,019
- Well, you know, uh,
Johnny also has some good news.
680
00:23:56,061 --> 00:23:57,937
- Aw, shut up, man.
- No, no, no.
681
00:23:57,979 --> 00:24:00,065
No, no, no, we're doing this.
I'm proud of you, man.
682
00:24:00,106 --> 00:24:02,859
Our boy has been invited
to the prom.
683
00:24:02,901 --> 00:24:04,402
- [gasps]
- What?
684
00:24:04,444 --> 00:24:05,779
Are you serious?
- Wait a minute.
685
00:24:05,820 --> 00:24:07,322
Wait a minute. Invited?
686
00:24:07,364 --> 00:24:08,656
She invited you?
687
00:24:08,698 --> 00:24:10,575
- Yeah.
- See that, Susan?
688
00:24:10,617 --> 00:24:12,160
Still think
the Clintons are harmless?
689
00:24:12,202 --> 00:24:14,037
- Times are changing, Matty.
You gotta keep up.
690
00:24:14,079 --> 00:24:15,497
- Oh, John!
691
00:24:15,538 --> 00:24:18,500
I'm so happy for you.
[chuckles]
692
00:24:18,541 --> 00:24:20,210
Who's the lucky girl?
693
00:24:20,251 --> 00:24:21,753
- Bethany Borgwardt.
694
00:24:21,795 --> 00:24:24,130
- Wait, the--the girl
from the other night?
695
00:24:24,172 --> 00:24:24,923
The one with the--
696
00:24:24,964 --> 00:24:26,174
- The bra lady, yeah.
697
00:24:26,216 --> 00:24:28,468
Guess somebody gave him
some good advice.
698
00:24:28,510 --> 00:24:31,680
- Well, I'm very surprised.
699
00:24:31,721 --> 00:24:34,808
Uh, I guess, good luck.
700
00:24:34,849 --> 00:24:36,559
- All right,
I gotta go to work.
701
00:24:36,601 --> 00:24:37,686
I'll see you later.
702
00:24:37,727 --> 00:24:38,728
- Don't forget
your lunch, honey.
703
00:24:38,770 --> 00:24:40,105
- [grunts]
704
00:24:41,481 --> 00:24:42,816
Take the fruit out!
705
00:24:42,857 --> 00:24:44,526
I can't be seen at work
with a plum!
706
00:24:44,567 --> 00:24:45,819
- Why?
707
00:24:45,860 --> 00:24:47,612
There's fiber in here, hon.
708
00:24:47,654 --> 00:24:49,781
You haven't made caca yet.
709
00:24:49,823 --> 00:24:51,658
- Hey, Blaire, you know,
since Johnny's got a date,
710
00:24:51,700 --> 00:24:52,867
how about you and me go
to the prom?
711
00:24:52,909 --> 00:24:54,536
- Yeah, no thanks.
712
00:24:54,577 --> 00:24:55,578
- Why not?
713
00:24:55,620 --> 00:24:56,830
- A high school prom?
714
00:24:56,871 --> 00:24:58,289
Been there, done that.
715
00:24:58,331 --> 00:24:59,791
No booze, no thanks.
716
00:24:59,833 --> 00:25:01,167
- Ah, come on.
Don't leave me hanging!
717
00:25:01,209 --> 00:25:02,752
Johnny's gonna be
off getting laid.
718
00:25:02,794 --> 00:25:03,712
I don't want
to be stuck talking
719
00:25:03,753 --> 00:25:04,879
to a bunch of wiener bags.
720
00:25:04,921 --> 00:25:06,006
- Don't you think you're being
721
00:25:06,047 --> 00:25:07,632
a little overconfident
about this?
722
00:25:07,674 --> 00:25:09,676
I mean, he just started
dating this girl.
723
00:25:09,718 --> 00:25:10,802
- Yeah, but it's--
724
00:25:10,844 --> 00:25:12,095
it's going really good, Blaire.
725
00:25:12,137 --> 00:25:13,763
We had a great time
on our first date.
726
00:25:13,805 --> 00:25:14,973
Even the hospital was fun.
727
00:25:15,015 --> 00:25:16,766
- Yeah, they're gonna fuck
for sure.
728
00:25:16,808 --> 00:25:19,602
I mean, unless, you know,
the timing's off.
729
00:25:19,644 --> 00:25:20,603
- What do you mean?
730
00:25:20,645 --> 00:25:21,980
- Well, I mean, you know, if--
731
00:25:22,022 --> 00:25:24,149
if she's gotta make her period.
732
00:25:24,190 --> 00:25:25,900
- What?
- You know, if it's
733
00:25:25,942 --> 00:25:27,193
that time of the week.
734
00:25:27,235 --> 00:25:29,946
- Okay, so what?
So what if she gets her period?
735
00:25:29,988 --> 00:25:31,948
- Well, like, you can't
have sex then, right?
736
00:25:31,990 --> 00:25:34,200
Like, I heard that
if you have sex
737
00:25:34,242 --> 00:25:35,785
while a girl's doing
her period,
738
00:25:35,827 --> 00:25:38,079
then--then you could
go back in time.
739
00:25:38,121 --> 00:25:40,665
- I think I just went
back in time.
740
00:25:40,707 --> 00:25:42,334
Does any male in this house
741
00:25:42,375 --> 00:25:45,795
actually even fucking know
how it works?
742
00:25:47,630 --> 00:25:48,631
Well, do you?
743
00:25:48,673 --> 00:25:50,050
- I-I do not.
- I actually
744
00:25:50,091 --> 00:25:51,051
have no idea, no.
- Yeah.
745
00:25:51,092 --> 00:25:52,218
- Yeah.
- Ugh. Okay.
746
00:25:52,260 --> 00:25:53,887
- I actually was always
kind of curious.
747
00:25:53,928 --> 00:25:55,638
- There's, like, a--
a little tube, right?
748
00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:57,098
- Yes, a tampon.
749
00:25:57,140 --> 00:25:58,516
- Oh, yeah, I know that word.
750
00:25:58,558 --> 00:26:00,226
- Is a crampon also something?
751
00:26:00,268 --> 00:26:02,062
- A crampon is used
for rock climbing.
752
00:26:02,103 --> 00:26:03,688
It's got nothing
to do with periods.
753
00:26:03,730 --> 00:26:04,814
- Oh.
754
00:26:04,856 --> 00:26:05,815
It's weird that it has the word
755
00:26:05,857 --> 00:26:06,858
"cramp" in there though, yeah?
756
00:26:06,900 --> 00:26:08,276
- Two completely
different things.
757
00:26:08,318 --> 00:26:09,486
- But you can see
why I thought--
758
00:26:09,527 --> 00:26:10,570
- Okay, you want to make jokes,
759
00:26:10,612 --> 00:26:11,488
or you want to fucking
learn something?
760
00:26:11,529 --> 00:26:12,822
- I wasn't making a joke!
761
00:26:12,864 --> 00:26:14,282
I didn't know about
the rock climbing! God!
762
00:26:14,324 --> 00:26:15,533
- How's it work?
763
00:26:15,575 --> 00:26:16,826
Give me your best guess.
764
00:26:16,868 --> 00:26:19,537
- You put the tampon inside.
765
00:26:19,579 --> 00:26:21,581
- Genius, yes. How?
766
00:26:21,623 --> 00:26:23,166
- Y-you swallow it.
767
00:26:23,208 --> 00:26:27,087
- You use the applicator
to insert it into the vagina,
768
00:26:27,128 --> 00:26:29,673
and then you remove the
applicator by pulling it out.
769
00:26:29,714 --> 00:26:31,633
- And this happens
all the time?
770
00:26:31,675 --> 00:26:33,134
- Once a month
for just a few days.
771
00:26:33,176 --> 00:26:34,678
- Is it shorter in February?
772
00:26:34,719 --> 00:26:35,845
- You want to get fucking wet?
773
00:26:35,887 --> 00:26:37,222
- No, no, no.
No, I'm good, I'm good.
774
00:26:38,139 --> 00:26:41,726
- Look, I know you guys think
you're pretty smart.
775
00:26:41,768 --> 00:26:47,357
But maybe you're not as ready
for sex as you think you are.
776
00:26:47,399 --> 00:26:49,984
[phone ringing]
777
00:26:53,405 --> 00:26:54,406
- Hello?
778
00:26:54,447 --> 00:26:55,865
- John, it's Bethany.
779
00:26:55,907 --> 00:26:57,617
- Oh, hey, Bethany.
780
00:26:57,659 --> 00:26:59,703
Yeah, we were, uh--we were
just talking about the prom.
781
00:26:59,744 --> 00:27:00,704
I'm really excited.
782
00:27:00,745 --> 00:27:02,080
What time should I pick you up?
783
00:27:02,122 --> 00:27:05,750
- Yeah, about that,
I've been thinking,
784
00:27:05,792 --> 00:27:09,379
maybe it's better
if we go separately.
785
00:27:09,421 --> 00:27:11,172
- Wait--wait, what? Why?
786
00:27:11,214 --> 00:27:14,342
- I just think you might be
a little bit too, um,
787
00:27:14,384 --> 00:27:16,219
experienced for me.
788
00:27:16,261 --> 00:27:17,679
- No, but--
[splutters]
789
00:27:17,721 --> 00:27:19,055
- [high-pitched]
Come back to bed, Johnny!
790
00:27:19,097 --> 00:27:20,890
I'm one of your many satisfied
791
00:27:20,932 --> 00:27:22,100
sexual partners!
- [whispers] Stop!
792
00:27:22,142 --> 00:27:23,059
- [whispers] What?
He's gonna thank me.
793
00:27:23,101 --> 00:27:25,061
- No, he's not!
- Shh!
794
00:27:25,103 --> 00:27:26,980
Hey, uh, can we talk
about this?
795
00:27:27,022 --> 00:27:28,648
- I'm sure you've got
lots of other girls
796
00:27:28,690 --> 00:27:29,983
who'd love to go with you.
797
00:27:30,025 --> 00:27:31,818
Maybe you ask one of them.
798
00:27:31,860 --> 00:27:33,278
Sorry.
799
00:27:36,740 --> 00:27:38,450
- She dumped me.
800
00:27:38,491 --> 00:27:39,868
- What?
801
00:27:39,909 --> 00:27:43,288
- Yeah, it's--it's over.
802
00:27:43,329 --> 00:27:44,497
- No, it's not.
803
00:27:44,539 --> 00:27:46,124
We are gonna do what they do
in the movies.
804
00:27:46,166 --> 00:27:48,126
Go over there tonight,
stand on her lawn,
805
00:27:48,168 --> 00:27:50,462
and declare your love
for all the world to hear.
806
00:27:50,503 --> 00:27:51,463
- Yeah.
807
00:27:51,504 --> 00:27:52,839
[siren chirps]
808
00:27:54,299 --> 00:27:56,259
Sorry about that, Officer.
Thank you so much.
809
00:27:56,301 --> 00:27:57,927
- Our apologies.
Won't happen again.
810
00:27:57,969 --> 00:27:59,596
- Wow, that was so not good.
811
00:27:59,637 --> 00:28:02,098
- Yeah, her dad really
did not care that you love her.
812
00:28:02,140 --> 00:28:03,892
- I can't believe
I listened to you.
813
00:28:03,933 --> 00:28:05,435
You fucked
this whole thing up, Teddy!
814
00:28:05,477 --> 00:28:07,729
- It's okay, Johnny.
We can still salvage this.
815
00:28:07,771 --> 00:28:09,856
All right, there's gonna be
a lot of girls at the prom.
816
00:28:09,898 --> 00:28:11,149
We're gonna get you
a fake chest.
817
00:28:11,191 --> 00:28:12,108
We'll stick a sock
in your pants.
818
00:28:12,150 --> 00:28:14,110
- This isn't just
about sex, okay?
819
00:28:14,152 --> 00:28:15,445
How many times
do I have to stand here
820
00:28:15,487 --> 00:28:17,530
and tell you,
I really like her?
821
00:28:17,572 --> 00:28:18,698
She's wicked cool.
822
00:28:18,740 --> 00:28:19,991
We've got a lot in common.
823
00:28:20,033 --> 00:28:22,077
- Wasn't it pretty much
just "Flash Gordon"?
824
00:28:22,118 --> 00:28:23,828
- We could have built off that.
825
00:28:23,870 --> 00:28:24,913
Where am I gonna find
another girl
826
00:28:24,954 --> 00:28:26,122
who likes that movie?
827
00:28:26,164 --> 00:28:27,123
I mean, you and me like it,
828
00:28:27,165 --> 00:28:28,416
but that's mostly
'cause of drugs.
829
00:28:28,458 --> 00:28:30,085
- Okay, look,
I fucked up, all right?
830
00:28:30,126 --> 00:28:31,628
But we can still have fun
at the prom.
831
00:28:31,670 --> 00:28:34,464
Come on, we'll spike the punch
and stuff the ballot box
832
00:28:34,506 --> 00:28:36,966
so a couple of horse-faced kids
win King and Queen.
833
00:28:37,008 --> 00:28:38,009
- If you want to go
to the prom,
834
00:28:38,051 --> 00:28:39,844
you can do it without me.
835
00:28:39,886 --> 00:28:41,096
- Johnny.
836
00:28:43,473 --> 00:28:47,519
[melancholy music]
837
00:28:51,731 --> 00:28:54,859
[jazzy music]
838
00:28:54,901 --> 00:28:56,569
- Come on, hurry up,
839
00:28:56,611 --> 00:28:59,072
before I change my mind.
840
00:28:59,948 --> 00:29:01,199
Oh, my God, that's--
841
00:29:01,241 --> 00:29:03,034
that's the tie you landed on?
842
00:29:03,076 --> 00:29:04,244
- Yeah, what's wrong with it?
843
00:29:04,285 --> 00:29:05,870
- You're wearing
a fucking piano tie to prom.
844
00:29:05,912 --> 00:29:07,455
What are you, in an a-ha video?
845
00:29:07,497 --> 00:29:09,541
- Well, you know, it's
kind of hard to tie a bow tie
846
00:29:09,582 --> 00:29:10,709
when you got no fingers.
847
00:29:10,750 --> 00:29:12,377
You look great, by the way.
848
00:29:12,419 --> 00:29:14,254
See?
See how easy that is,
849
00:29:14,295 --> 00:29:15,463
to give someone a compliment?
850
00:29:15,505 --> 00:29:20,301
- Oh, look at you two,
all dressed up!
851
00:29:20,343 --> 00:29:23,471
Oh, Matty,
don't they look nice?
852
00:29:23,513 --> 00:29:25,181
- Yeah.
- Blaire, you should
853
00:29:25,223 --> 00:29:27,809
wear girl clothes
more often, hon.
854
00:29:27,851 --> 00:29:28,893
- Thanks.
855
00:29:28,935 --> 00:29:30,520
- Is John going too?
856
00:29:30,562 --> 00:29:33,732
- No, he's, uh--
he's still pretty upset.
857
00:29:33,773 --> 00:29:36,026
- Oh, no, my baby.
858
00:29:36,067 --> 00:29:39,571
- Matty, why don't you
go talk to him?
859
00:29:39,612 --> 00:29:40,655
- Huh?
860
00:29:40,697 --> 00:29:42,240
- Go talk to John.
861
00:29:42,282 --> 00:29:43,366
- What do you mean?
862
00:29:43,408 --> 00:29:44,993
- Oh, my God.
Am I speaking Farsi?
863
00:29:45,035 --> 00:29:46,578
Go speak to your son.
864
00:29:46,619 --> 00:29:49,247
Do, like, a, I don't know,
father-type thing.
865
00:29:49,289 --> 00:29:51,791
- You know,
I remember my junior prom
866
00:29:51,833 --> 00:29:54,169
and my date, Bobby Kugelfarb.
867
00:29:54,210 --> 00:29:57,297
He was so nervous,
he accidentally stabbed me
868
00:29:57,339 --> 00:29:59,632
putting on the corsage.
869
00:29:59,674 --> 00:30:02,260
And I didn't want to make
a fuss or anything like that,
870
00:30:02,302 --> 00:30:03,636
so I spent the whole night
871
00:30:03,678 --> 00:30:06,806
with this carnation stuck
to my breast.
872
00:30:06,848 --> 00:30:09,476
- Jesus,
this fucking story again.
873
00:30:09,517 --> 00:30:11,311
I'll talk to John.
874
00:30:14,314 --> 00:30:16,191
- And then I got sepsis,
875
00:30:16,232 --> 00:30:18,526
and I'm still
not allowed to swim.
876
00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:23,114
[video game beeping]
877
00:30:23,156 --> 00:30:24,783
- Hey, Johnny, wrap it up.
I need your help.
878
00:30:24,824 --> 00:30:26,076
- Just started the game.
879
00:30:26,117 --> 00:30:27,243
- Tough shit.
880
00:30:27,285 --> 00:30:28,328
I gotta load
our old refrigerator
881
00:30:28,370 --> 00:30:29,329
in the back of the truck,
882
00:30:29,371 --> 00:30:30,955
dump it in the woods.
883
00:30:30,997 --> 00:30:32,457
- It's 7:30 at night.
884
00:30:32,499 --> 00:30:34,834
- Yeah.
This isn't exactly legal, John.
885
00:30:34,876 --> 00:30:37,295
But I'll be damned if I'm
paying for bulky-item pickup.
886
00:30:37,337 --> 00:30:39,130
Besides, it'll be fun
for kids to play in.
887
00:30:39,172 --> 00:30:40,882
- Can't we just do it
another time?
888
00:30:40,924 --> 00:30:44,010
- Why? It's not like
you have anywhere to go, right?
889
00:30:46,262 --> 00:30:47,639
- Dad, I know
what you're doing.
890
00:30:47,681 --> 00:30:48,640
- I'm not doing anything.
891
00:30:48,682 --> 00:30:49,974
I just need another set
of hands.
892
00:30:50,016 --> 00:30:51,309
- I'm not going to prom!
893
00:30:51,351 --> 00:30:53,770
All right?
I--I got dumped.
894
00:30:53,812 --> 00:30:55,188
It'll be too embarrassing.
895
00:31:01,111 --> 00:31:03,363
- Life is a series
of embarrassments.
896
00:31:03,405 --> 00:31:05,448
Bosses humiliating you,
897
00:31:05,490 --> 00:31:07,659
your wife nagging you
all the time,
898
00:31:07,701 --> 00:31:10,078
going off to fight
in the one war
899
00:31:10,120 --> 00:31:10,995
where you're the bad guy.
900
00:31:11,037 --> 00:31:12,163
I mean, fuck.
901
00:31:12,205 --> 00:31:13,665
- Is this supposed
to be a pep talk?
902
00:31:13,707 --> 00:31:15,834
- All I'm saying is,
you only get so many nights
903
00:31:15,875 --> 00:31:17,669
like this one, John.
904
00:31:17,711 --> 00:31:20,380
There are no junior proms
when you're an adult.
905
00:31:20,422 --> 00:31:22,215
You miss this one,
that's fucking it.
906
00:31:22,257 --> 00:31:24,134
The rest of your life is
spending all day
907
00:31:24,175 --> 00:31:25,510
breaking your back,
and all night
908
00:31:25,552 --> 00:31:28,805
standing at a toilet,
peeing in Morse code.
909
00:31:34,060 --> 00:31:35,562
All right.
910
00:31:39,315 --> 00:31:41,317
There you go.
911
00:31:44,279 --> 00:31:48,241
[indistinct chatter,
music thumping]
912
00:31:48,283 --> 00:31:50,076
- * Rhythm is a dancer *
913
00:31:50,118 --> 00:31:52,162
* It's a soul's companion *
914
00:31:52,203 --> 00:31:55,540
* You can feel it everywhere *
915
00:31:55,582 --> 00:31:57,709
* Lift your hands and voices *
916
00:31:57,751 --> 00:31:59,669
* Free your mind and join us *
917
00:31:59,711 --> 00:32:02,422
- See, this ain't
so bad, right?
918
00:32:02,464 --> 00:32:05,884
- Thanks to this,
not the worst night of my life.
919
00:32:05,925 --> 00:32:09,637
- Yeah, well, I'm having
a nice time with you too.
920
00:32:09,679 --> 00:32:13,099
And the compliment-free
evening continues.
921
00:32:13,141 --> 00:32:14,392
Hey, Javier!
922
00:32:14,434 --> 00:32:16,436
Ha! I know that guy.
923
00:32:16,478 --> 00:32:17,896
- No one was looking at you.
924
00:32:17,937 --> 00:32:19,814
- Yeah, it's just--there was--
there was the one guy.
925
00:32:19,856 --> 00:32:21,900
- No, I have great eyes,
and no one was looking.
926
00:32:21,941 --> 00:32:24,069
- No, it's just--it's this
thing we do, the two of us.
927
00:32:24,110 --> 00:32:25,737
Ah, that's so him.
928
00:32:25,779 --> 00:32:27,739
- Have you made
any fucking friends this year?
929
00:32:27,781 --> 00:32:29,199
- Uh, not really, no.
930
00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:32,077
[whooping and laughter]
931
00:32:32,118 --> 00:32:34,537
- Shit, Ted, look.
932
00:32:36,289 --> 00:32:38,291
- Hey! Hey, Johnny!
933
00:32:42,003 --> 00:32:43,713
- Hey, John.
- Hey, buddy.
934
00:32:43,755 --> 00:32:45,882
Hey, hey, you just
missed Javier, man.
935
00:32:45,924 --> 00:32:47,175
He was up to his old tricks.
936
00:32:47,217 --> 00:32:48,718
- Shit, again?
937
00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:49,761
Man, I really gotta
meet that guy.
938
00:32:49,803 --> 00:32:51,388
He sounds awesome.
- I know, I--
939
00:32:51,429 --> 00:32:53,264
fuck, he's always just leaving
when you get here.
940
00:32:53,306 --> 00:32:55,266
I-I don't--
I don't know how that happens.
941
00:32:55,308 --> 00:32:58,228
- Well, listen, man, I--
942
00:32:58,269 --> 00:33:00,230
I'm really sorry
for laying into you like that.
943
00:33:00,271 --> 00:33:01,856
- No, man, I'm sorry.
944
00:33:01,898 --> 00:33:04,442
I fucked things up
between you and Bethany.
945
00:33:04,484 --> 00:33:06,194
I should have just kept
my big mouth shut
946
00:33:06,236 --> 00:33:07,570
and let you be yourself.
947
00:33:07,612 --> 00:33:09,614
- No, man,
it's not all your fault.
948
00:33:09,656 --> 00:33:11,741
I didn't have to listen to you.
949
00:33:11,783 --> 00:33:13,493
I made my own choices.
950
00:33:18,873 --> 00:33:21,376
I think I know
how to un-fuck things.
951
00:33:25,839 --> 00:33:27,966
Bethany. Hi.
952
00:33:28,008 --> 00:33:30,218
- John.
953
00:33:30,260 --> 00:33:32,053
Hi.
954
00:33:32,095 --> 00:33:35,390
- So listen, I was wondering
955
00:33:35,432 --> 00:33:40,020
if you'd maybe
give me another chance.
956
00:33:40,061 --> 00:33:43,565
- John, look.
957
00:33:43,606 --> 00:33:45,108
I think you're
a nice-enough guy,
958
00:33:45,150 --> 00:33:48,361
but you're not the guy for me.
959
00:33:48,403 --> 00:33:49,654
I-I'm just not interested
960
00:33:49,696 --> 00:33:51,322
in being a notch
in someone's belt.
961
00:33:51,364 --> 00:33:54,200
- Okay, well, that's what
I'm here to tell you.
962
00:33:54,242 --> 00:33:56,870
I've never had sex, okay?
963
00:33:56,911 --> 00:33:59,164
I'm a virgin.
I-I said that I had
964
00:33:59,205 --> 00:34:00,290
because I thought
it would impress you.
965
00:34:00,331 --> 00:34:01,958
It was stupid.
966
00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:04,169
- So you lied to me?
967
00:34:04,210 --> 00:34:06,004
- Well, yeah.
968
00:34:06,046 --> 00:34:07,255
I'm sorry.
969
00:34:07,297 --> 00:34:09,007
- How do I know
you're not lying now?
970
00:34:09,049 --> 00:34:10,258
- I'm not.
I'm not.
971
00:34:10,300 --> 00:34:11,551
I swear to God.
972
00:34:14,262 --> 00:34:16,222
And I think I can prove it.
973
00:34:20,060 --> 00:34:21,436
Excuse me.
974
00:34:21,478 --> 00:34:23,271
I need that mic.
I got something to say.
975
00:34:23,313 --> 00:34:25,982
- Sorry,
it's against the rules...
976
00:34:26,024 --> 00:34:27,901
unless it's for true love.
977
00:34:27,942 --> 00:34:28,902
- It is.
978
00:34:33,239 --> 00:34:35,033
- Go get her.
979
00:34:35,075 --> 00:34:36,409
[music stops]
980
00:34:36,451 --> 00:34:37,494
- Hi. Hi, every--
[feedback whines]
981
00:34:37,535 --> 00:34:38,578
Oh, that's loud.
Hi, everyone.
982
00:34:38,620 --> 00:34:40,705
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
983
00:34:40,747 --> 00:34:42,707
Sorry for the interruption.
I, uh,
984
00:34:42,749 --> 00:34:46,044
uh, just have
a real quick question.
985
00:34:46,086 --> 00:34:48,755
Who here has had sex with me?
986
00:34:51,800 --> 00:34:53,385
Nobody.
987
00:34:53,426 --> 00:34:54,928
You want to know why?
988
00:34:54,969 --> 00:34:57,889
Because I'm a virgin.
989
00:34:57,931 --> 00:34:59,933
I was too embarrassed
to admit it until tonight,
990
00:34:59,974 --> 00:35:02,060
but it's the truth.
991
00:35:02,102 --> 00:35:03,561
And you know what?
992
00:35:03,603 --> 00:35:06,064
I bet I'm not alone.
993
00:35:06,106 --> 00:35:09,359
I bet there are more of you
out there just like me,
994
00:35:09,401 --> 00:35:11,236
so let's stop being embarrassed
995
00:35:11,277 --> 00:35:13,363
and let our voices be heard.
996
00:35:13,405 --> 00:35:15,365
Who out there is a virgin?
997
00:35:16,449 --> 00:35:19,828
[hushed chatter]
998
00:35:19,869 --> 00:35:23,248
[stifled laughter]
999
00:35:23,289 --> 00:35:25,250
- Nerd!
1000
00:35:25,291 --> 00:35:26,835
- What the fuck?
- What? He was drowning.
1001
00:35:26,876 --> 00:35:28,420
No sense in me going down
with him.
1002
00:35:28,461 --> 00:35:31,589
[laughter]
1003
00:35:45,145 --> 00:35:46,980
- Hey.
Hey, John, wait up!
1004
00:35:51,609 --> 00:35:53,653
I can't believe
you just did that.
1005
00:35:53,695 --> 00:35:55,363
- Oh.
Yeah, it was pretty stupid.
1006
00:35:55,405 --> 00:35:57,907
- Yeah, very stupid.
[chuckles]
1007
00:35:59,284 --> 00:36:01,286
But it took guts.
1008
00:36:01,327 --> 00:36:02,787
- Well, I mean,
1009
00:36:02,829 --> 00:36:05,457
it's not like my social life
could get any worse.
1010
00:36:05,498 --> 00:36:08,418
- [chuckles]
Well...
1011
00:36:08,460 --> 00:36:09,961
you want to know a secret?
1012
00:36:10,003 --> 00:36:11,963
- What?
1013
00:36:12,005 --> 00:36:16,259
- You're not the only person
at this school who hasn't--
1014
00:36:16,301 --> 00:36:17,719
you know.
1015
00:36:17,761 --> 00:36:19,137
- Wait.
[chuckles]
1016
00:36:19,179 --> 00:36:21,348
Wait, you're a virgin too?
1017
00:36:21,389 --> 00:36:23,641
- Mm-hmm.
1018
00:36:23,683 --> 00:36:25,894
- You know, I don't think
I believe you.
1019
00:36:25,935 --> 00:36:27,270
- What?
- I think you gotta
1020
00:36:27,312 --> 00:36:28,521
get up and tell
the whole school.
1021
00:36:28,563 --> 00:36:30,607
- Yeah, no thanks.
I'm not an idiot.
1022
00:36:30,648 --> 00:36:32,067
- Oh, you sure?
Why not?
1023
00:36:32,108 --> 00:36:34,235
It's a great feeling.
I can't recommend it enough.
1024
00:36:34,277 --> 00:36:35,779
- [laughs]
1025
00:36:37,572 --> 00:36:39,324
Do you want to get out of here?
1026
00:36:39,366 --> 00:36:42,827
Maybe hang at my house?
1027
00:36:42,869 --> 00:36:45,580
My dad and his girlfriend
are out for the night.
1028
00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:48,333
- Sure.
1029
00:36:48,375 --> 00:36:50,001
[All-4-One's "I Swear"]
1030
00:36:50,043 --> 00:36:53,004
- * And I swear *
- * I swear *
1031
00:36:53,046 --> 00:36:58,343
- * By the moon and the stars
in the sky *
1032
00:36:58,385 --> 00:37:01,846
* I'll be there *
- * I'll be there *
1033
00:37:01,888 --> 00:37:04,057
- * I swear *
- * And I swear *
1034
00:37:04,099 --> 00:37:06,059
- I think those two might
just make it.
1035
00:37:06,101 --> 00:37:07,894
- Yeah, I think so too.
1036
00:37:09,104 --> 00:37:11,106
- Well, now what?
- One of the goth kids
1037
00:37:11,147 --> 00:37:12,607
in the parking lot
gave me a pill.
1038
00:37:12,649 --> 00:37:14,401
I got no idea what it is.
You want to split it?
1039
00:37:14,442 --> 00:37:16,653
- * For better or worse *
1040
00:37:16,695 --> 00:37:18,571
* Till death do us part *
1041
00:37:18,613 --> 00:37:22,283
- * Uh, yeah,
talk to me, yeah *
1042
00:37:22,325 --> 00:37:24,786
* What a man, what a man,
what a man *
1043
00:37:24,828 --> 00:37:26,162
* What a mighty good man *
1044
00:37:26,204 --> 00:37:28,206
* He's a mighty,
mighty good man *
1045
00:37:28,248 --> 00:37:30,291
* What a man, what a man,
what a man *
1046
00:37:30,333 --> 00:37:31,918
* What a mighty good man *
- * All right *
1047
00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:34,713
- [giggles]
What are you doing back there?
1048
00:37:34,754 --> 00:37:36,923
- Trying to unhook your bra.
1049
00:37:36,965 --> 00:37:39,759
- Well, if there was any doubt
about your being a virgin...
1050
00:37:43,138 --> 00:37:44,639
- Ah! Ah, shit, all right.
1051
00:37:44,681 --> 00:37:47,308
I think I tore it, and I might
have fucking cut myself.
1052
00:37:47,350 --> 00:37:49,310
- Here, why don't I get it?
1053
00:37:49,352 --> 00:37:52,147
Um, do you have a condom?
1054
00:37:52,188 --> 00:37:53,314
- Yeah.
Yeah, a grown-up
1055
00:37:53,356 --> 00:37:54,858
at the pharmacy
helped me pick one out.
1056
00:37:54,899 --> 00:37:55,817
- What?
1057
00:37:55,859 --> 00:37:57,569
- Nothing.
Uh, yeah.
1058
00:37:57,610 --> 00:37:59,195
Yeah, I got one.
1059
00:37:59,237 --> 00:38:03,950
- Good, 'cause I think
we should have sex.
1060
00:38:03,992 --> 00:38:05,160
- Really?
1061
00:38:06,619 --> 00:38:08,329
Holy shit, Blaire was right.
1062
00:38:08,371 --> 00:38:09,581
- Huh?
- Nothing.
1063
00:38:09,622 --> 00:38:12,375
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I'm ready.
1064
00:38:12,417 --> 00:38:13,752
- * 'Cause his mama
taught him that *
1065
00:38:13,793 --> 00:38:15,045
- * I got a good man *
1066
00:38:15,086 --> 00:38:16,629
- * What a man,
what a man, what a man *
1067
00:38:16,671 --> 00:38:18,882
* What a mighty good man *
1068
00:38:18,923 --> 00:38:20,216
* A mighty, mighty good man *
1069
00:38:20,258 --> 00:38:22,302
* What a man,
what a man, what a man *
1070
00:38:22,344 --> 00:38:24,512
* What a mighty good man *
1071
00:38:24,554 --> 00:38:26,890
- * Yes, he is *
- * What a man, what a man *
1072
00:38:26,931 --> 00:38:29,392
[breaking news jingle plays]
1073
00:38:29,434 --> 00:38:30,727
- Oh, my God!
- What? What?
1074
00:38:30,769 --> 00:38:32,187
What's wrong?
- Look!
1075
00:38:32,228 --> 00:38:34,272
- Police are in pursuit
of a white Bronco
1076
00:38:34,314 --> 00:38:37,150
presumed to be the vehicle
of OJ Simpson.
1077
00:38:37,192 --> 00:38:39,652
Now, as you can see there,
it's traveling very slowly--
1078
00:38:39,694 --> 00:38:41,196
- Holy shit!
1079
00:38:41,237 --> 00:38:43,031
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's really something.
1080
00:38:43,073 --> 00:38:45,450
- Fuck! Does this mean
he actually did do it?
1081
00:38:45,492 --> 00:38:46,743
- Speaking of doing it--
1082
00:38:46,785 --> 00:38:47,952
- Where do you think
he's going?
1083
00:38:47,994 --> 00:38:49,788
And why are they driving
so slow?
1084
00:38:49,829 --> 00:38:51,623
- I'm sure the LAPD has
its best men on it.
1085
00:38:51,664 --> 00:38:52,624
- I mean, he must have
done it, right?
1086
00:38:52,665 --> 00:38:53,833
Why else is he running?
1087
00:38:53,875 --> 00:38:55,543
- Times like these,
all we can really do
1088
00:38:55,585 --> 00:38:56,961
is hold each other close.
- Fuck!
1089
00:38:57,003 --> 00:38:59,714
I mean, he was Nordberg
in "The Naked Gun,"
1090
00:38:59,756 --> 00:39:01,257
and now he might be a murderer?
1091
00:39:01,299 --> 00:39:03,968
- I think Nicole Brown Simpson
and Ron Goldman would
1092
00:39:04,010 --> 00:39:06,096
really want us to make
the most of this night.
1093
00:39:06,137 --> 00:39:09,307
- And now we're hearing
reports that he has a gun.
1094
00:39:09,349 --> 00:39:12,310
- Oh, my God.
1095
00:39:12,352 --> 00:39:15,647
I don't think this is gonna
have a happy ending.
1096
00:39:15,689 --> 00:39:17,649
- No fucking shit.
1097
00:39:17,691 --> 00:39:19,317
- To repeat, he is believed--
1098
00:39:19,359 --> 00:39:21,986
[jazzy music]
1099
00:39:22,028 --> 00:39:25,740
- It's just like what happened
with my parents and Nixon.
1100
00:39:25,782 --> 00:39:27,951
Oh. Oh, my God.
1101
00:39:27,992 --> 00:39:29,828
Oh, my God, I'm my mother.
1102
00:39:29,869 --> 00:39:31,746
- Well, your mother
actually had sex,
1103
00:39:31,788 --> 00:39:34,541
so that comparison
doesn't really work.
1104
00:39:34,582 --> 00:39:36,209
But at least
you got a girlfriend now.
1105
00:39:36,251 --> 00:39:38,545
- Eh, sort of.
1106
00:39:38,586 --> 00:39:40,547
- Whoa, what do you mean,
"sort of"?
1107
00:39:40,588 --> 00:39:42,882
- Bethany's spending
the summer in Italy.
1108
00:39:42,924 --> 00:39:44,134
She's leaving tomorrow.
1109
00:39:44,175 --> 00:39:45,927
- Oh, I wouldn't worry
about that.
1110
00:39:45,969 --> 00:39:48,388
That vagina's gonna be
right where you left it.
1111
00:39:48,430 --> 00:39:49,889
- You think so?
- Oh, yeah,
1112
00:39:49,931 --> 00:39:52,350
Italian guys are famous
for their sexual restraint
1113
00:39:52,392 --> 00:39:54,144
and respect for women.
1114
00:39:54,185 --> 00:39:56,312
- Oh, you were saying--
- I was saying the opposite.
1115
00:39:56,354 --> 00:39:57,814
- You were doing a bit.
You were doing, like,
1116
00:39:57,856 --> 00:39:58,898
a bit, like an opposite thing.
- I was saying the thing
1117
00:39:58,940 --> 00:40:00,066
they don't do.
- You motherfucker.
1118
00:40:00,108 --> 00:40:02,027
- Yeah.
1119
00:40:02,068 --> 00:40:03,987
- Man, junior year
was weird, huh?
1120
00:40:04,029 --> 00:40:05,989
- Yeah, it sucked,
no doubt about it.
1121
00:40:06,031 --> 00:40:07,490
- Yeah.
1122
00:40:07,532 --> 00:40:09,159
But you know what?
1123
00:40:09,200 --> 00:40:11,369
Would've sucked way worse
without you, buddy.
1124
00:40:11,411 --> 00:40:12,704
- Thanks, man.
1125
00:40:12,746 --> 00:40:15,040
That touches me deeply...
1126
00:40:15,081 --> 00:40:16,916
which is what's gonna happen
to Bethany in Italy.
1127
00:40:16,958 --> 00:40:18,209
Sorry. Sorry.
- Oh, you motherfucker.
1128
00:40:18,251 --> 00:40:19,461
- That was the last one.
- Like, seriously though?
1129
00:40:19,502 --> 00:40:20,462
- I know you're hurting.
That was the last one.
1130
00:40:20,503 --> 00:40:22,339
Last one.
1131
00:40:22,380 --> 00:40:24,382
- I wonder what senior year's
gonna be like.
1132
00:40:24,424 --> 00:40:25,884
- I don't know.
1133
00:40:25,925 --> 00:40:27,719
But you know what?
I say we make it great.
1134
00:40:27,761 --> 00:40:29,554
Really turn our lives around,
you know?
1135
00:40:29,596 --> 00:40:31,931
- Yeah.
Yeah, like actually do all
1136
00:40:31,973 --> 00:40:33,933
the summer reading and shit,
like, show up prepared.
1137
00:40:33,975 --> 00:40:36,019
- Yeah, maybe even get a jump
on our college applications.
1138
00:40:36,061 --> 00:40:38,355
- Yeah. That sounds great.
1139
00:40:38,396 --> 00:40:40,106
First thing tomorrow.
1140
00:40:41,649 --> 00:40:43,610
Looks like it might rain.
1141
00:40:43,651 --> 00:40:45,236
[thunder crashes]
Jesus fucking Christ!
1142
00:40:45,278 --> 00:40:47,072
- Fucking shit!
Why does it have to do that?
1143
00:40:47,113 --> 00:40:49,240
- Oh, my God,
it's so fucking scary.
1144
00:40:49,282 --> 00:40:51,326
- I hate the thunder!
- Fuck you, thunder!
1145
00:40:51,368 --> 00:40:53,411
- Yeah, you can suck my dick!
1146
00:40:53,453 --> 00:40:54,996
- Oh, my God, Teddy.
1147
00:40:55,038 --> 00:40:56,247
You thinking what I'm thinking?
1148
00:40:56,289 --> 00:40:57,791
- Get the guitar.
1149
00:40:57,832 --> 00:41:04,964
* *
1150
00:41:32,075 --> 00:41:34,619
[Norah Jones' "Everybody
Needs a Best Friend"]
1151
00:41:34,661 --> 00:41:38,998
- * Oh, you've got a headful
of someone dreadful *
1152
00:41:39,040 --> 00:41:42,252
* And yet, alas,
that someone adores you *
1153
00:41:42,293 --> 00:41:43,837
* *
1154
00:41:43,878 --> 00:41:47,549
* Everybody needs
a best friend *
1155
00:41:47,590 --> 00:41:50,093
* I'm happy I'm yours *
1156
00:41:50,135 --> 00:41:53,596
* I'm just a clown *
1157
00:41:53,638 --> 00:41:57,017
* And I'll bring you down *
1158
00:41:57,058 --> 00:42:03,106
* But you just don't care
'cause your *
1159
00:42:03,148 --> 00:42:05,358
* Best friend is me *
1160
00:42:05,400 --> 00:42:12,365
* *
82126
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