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1
00:00:04,600 --> 00:00:06,272
Here. This is for you.
2
00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:10,518
Thank you.
3
00:00:11,120 --> 00:00:13,429
And I didn't get you anything.
4
00:00:14,520 --> 00:00:15,839
It's your kid's toilet seat.
5
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:18,560
It's obviously in his way,
and I'm tired of cleaning it.
6
00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:21,079
Oh, come on, Berta.
7
00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:23,470
- He's 11.
- He's a pig.
8
00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:25,114
I'll talk to him.
9
00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:27,271
While you're at it,
you may wanna mention...
10
00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:29,670
...the half-eaten egg salad sandwiches
in his toy chest...
11
00:00:29,840 --> 00:00:31,512
...the dead marine life
at the back of the closet...
12
00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:33,875
...and the booger collection
under the bed.
13
00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:35,996
I'll do my best
to address your concerns.
14
00:00:36,160 --> 00:00:39,152
Don't condescend to me, Zippy.
I'll snap you like a butter bean.
15
00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:42,751
Excuse me. Is one of you Alan?
16
00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:50,514
I'm Alan.
17
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:53,354
Oh, good.
Charlie wants you to come upstairs.
18
00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:57,713
- Why?
- Well, it's kind of hard to explain.
19
00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:00,519
- Try.
- Oh, yeah, try.
20
00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:02,753
Well, he's kind of stuck.
21
00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:07,434
- In what?
- In what?
22
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,833
Not in anything, just stuck.
23
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,316
Would you hurry?
24
00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:19,431
- Where are you going?
- Oh, like I'm gonna miss this?
25
00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:26,310
Charlie? Are you okay?
26
00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:29,631
Do I look okay?
27
00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:34,430
- What happened?
- I pulled my back.
28
00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:37,592
I didn't do anything. I was lying there
and he started screaming.
29
00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:40,593
- I understand.
- I mean, I wasn't just lying there.
30
00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:43,832
- I got it.
- Damn, I wish I had a camera.
31
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:46,833
That's okay. It's all on video.
32
00:01:58,480 --> 00:02:01,552
Alan, you're a chiropractor.
Do something.
33
00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:03,917
Really? You want my help?
34
00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:06,799
Even after you referred to
my profession as, what was it...
35
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,552
..."urban voodoo"?
36
00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:11,630
I'm sorry. Now help me.
37
00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:13,711
Okay. Okay.
We'll see what we can do.
38
00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:20,710
Yeah, yeah, okay,
very funny, very funny.
39
00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:23,440
Hold on.
Berta, I'm gonna need a dead rooster.
40
00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:25,718
Check your kid's room.
41
00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:29,238
Excuse me, Charlie, sorry you're
not feeling well, but I have an audition.
42
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:32,597
- Go.
- It's a Wheat Thins commercial.
43
00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:36,038
- I'm an actress.
- Of course you are.
44
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:38,074
I had a nice time, Charlie.
45
00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:40,238
- I'll call you.
- Great.
46
00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:42,391
Oh, if you find my tongue stud,
let me know.
47
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:47,116
Okay, let's see what we've got here.
48
00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:50,149
- Is this tender?
- A little.
49
00:02:50,320 --> 00:02:53,073
- On a scale of one to ten?
- I don't know. Three?
50
00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:56,198
- Okay, what about this?
- Four.
51
00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:58,590
And what about this?
52
00:03:00,520 --> 00:03:02,670
I'm gonna need a number, Charlie.
53
00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:05,350
No, no, I changed my mind.
Leave me alone.
54
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:07,556
Oh, don't be a baby.
55
00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:09,631
- Stay away.
- I have to examine you.
56
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,995
- It's okay. I'm better.
- No, you're not.
57
00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:15,038
- Now, stop moving.
- Really, I'm fine. Just don't...
58
00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:21,515
Ten. Ten. That's a ten.
59
00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:24,798
- Are you happy?
- Do I look happy?
60
00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:27,920
Let's get you back on the bed
so I can give you an adjustment.
61
00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:29,354
No, no, no, no. New plan.
62
00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:31,397
I need someone
who can give me drugs.
63
00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:34,438
I'm not holding,
but I can make a couple calls.
64
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:36,238
Drugs just mask the problem.
65
00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:39,597
Fine, mask it. Throw a cape on it,
and let it fight crime.
66
00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:41,591
I just want it to go away.
67
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:45,275
Good news. I think I know where
Wheat Thins lost her tongue stud.
68
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,079
For the love of God.
69
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:56,192
Oh, mommy.
70
00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:01,112
Feeling better?
71
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:04,153
No, I just passed out for a second.
72
00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:08,031
Berta, I'm gonna take Charlie
to the doctor.
73
00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:10,430
- You keep an eye on Jake.
- Fine.
74
00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:12,238
Whoa, hey.
75
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:14,516
And please put his toilet seat back on.
76
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,230
I really think you should
put on your seat belt.
77
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:23,596
Do you now?
78
00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:27,629
Did you forget it took three of us
just to put on my shorts?
79
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:31,315
Suit yourself. I should call your doctor
and tell him we're coming.
80
00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,710
- What's his number?
- I don't know.
81
00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:38,476
All right, I'll call directory assistance.
What's his name? Where's he located?
82
00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:41,108
Dr. Schwartz. Beverly Hills.
83
00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:45,874
- You're kidding, right?
- Do I look like I'm kidding?
84
00:04:46,640 --> 00:04:48,198
Well, I need a first name.
85
00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:54,269
I remember his
receptionist's name. Julie.
86
00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:57,000
Cute redhead with a slight
speech impediment.
87
00:04:57,160 --> 00:04:58,991
She called me "Charlie."
88
00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:03,112
I almost asked her out once...
89
00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:05,555
...but I couldn't face
the inevitable phone calls.
90
00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:09,508
"I love you, Charlie.
Don't leave me."
91
00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:13,715
Yeah, yeah,
and your doctor's first name is?
92
00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:16,473
Oh, I have no idea.
93
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:19,358
Idiot.
94
00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:23,069
Yes, Beverly Hills, California.
95
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:25,276
Dr. Schwartz.
96
00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:27,590
Yeah, I don't know the first name.
97
00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:30,115
No, I'm not kidding.
98
00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:34,512
There are 128 Dr. Schwartzes
in Beverly Hills.
99
00:05:34,680 --> 00:05:36,159
What street is he on?
100
00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:38,072
Wilshire Boulevard, I think.
101
00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:40,913
Wilshire Boulevard, we think.
102
00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:44,074
Okay, we're down to 47 Schwartzes.
103
00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:48,275
Just forget it. Drive down Wilshire.
I'll know the building when I see it.
104
00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:49,919
Never mind, we're gonna play...
105
00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:52,071
...Find the Jewish
Doctor in Beverly Hills.
106
00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:54,159
Wait, wait. There it is.
107
00:05:59,440 --> 00:06:01,431
Now, you see,
that wouldn't have happened...
108
00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:03,750
...if you'd been wearing your seat belt.
109
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,430
Alan, if I can ever use my legs again...
110
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:10,832
...the first thing I'm gonna do
is kick your ass into your throat.
111
00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:20,710
That's not Julie.
112
00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:26,068
- So?
- It's just important to me that you know.
113
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,359
- Can I help you?
- Yeah, I'm Charlie Harper.
114
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:32,034
- I need to see my doctor.
- Do you have an appointment?
115
00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:33,553
No, but this is an emergency.
116
00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:36,280
He has to get back to Notre Dame
and ring the bell.
117
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:41,509
Oh, I get it. He's hunched over.
That's funny.
118
00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:45,196
Yeah, can I see my doctor, please?
119
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:46,998
- Who's your doctor?
- Dr. Schwartz.
120
00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:48,957
- Stanley Schwartz?
- Yes, Stanley.
121
00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:51,429
- It's Stanley.
- Thank you.
122
00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:53,511
When was the last time
you were here?
123
00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:56,280
I don't know.
A couple of years ago. Why?
124
00:06:56,680 --> 00:07:01,037
- Dr. Schwartz passed away.
- Oh, no.
125
00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:02,679
So where's Julie?
126
00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:04,999
Julie we had to let go.
127
00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:09,392
She was playing a little fast and loose
with the old prescription pad.
128
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:13,713
I'm guessing Valium.
129
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:17,031
Is there somebody else
who can see him?
130
00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:19,316
Yeah, but not Dr. Schwartz's doctor,
okay?
131
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,710
Dr. Talmadge took over
Dr. Schwartz's practice.
132
00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:24,519
It's a little tight right now,
but I could squeeze you in.
133
00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:27,190
That's kind of how this happened.
134
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:30,991
Oh, my. So this was a sexual injury.
135
00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:36,076
Well, thank goodness you're okay.
136
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:49,273
This is really gross.
Why do I have to do it?
137
00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:51,351
- You want your toilet seat back?
- Yes.
138
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,556
Then keep scrubbing.
139
00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:58,075
You know, taking it wasn't funny.
I could have broke my butt.
140
00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:00,276
Oh, come on.
How could that not be funny?
141
00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:06,116
Don't forget to clean on the outside.
That's all you.
142
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:09,796
- And the floor, and the wall.
- Okay, okay.
143
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,110
How in the hell
did you hit the wall anyway?
144
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:15,477
I don't know,
it just gets away from me sometimes.
145
00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:18,393
After a day scrubbing toilets...
146
00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:22,473
...I'm betting you'll be able to pee
through a Cheerio at 10 paces.
147
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:25,391
Oh, God.
148
00:08:25,560 --> 00:08:27,676
Oh, jeez.
149
00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:29,114
Hey, guess what.
150
00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:32,238
The Soviet Union
is boycotting the Olympics.
151
00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,230
My pain is just a big joke
to you, isn't it?
152
00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:43,119
I offered to help you, Charlie,
and you refused, so...
153
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:44,315
...yeah.
154
00:08:45,840 --> 00:08:48,877
I'll tell you, if you came to me
as a patient in this much pain...
155
00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:51,429
...I wouldn't make you wait.
I'd see you right away.
156
00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:54,910
So would my dry cleaner,
but I don't let him touch me either.
157
00:08:55,080 --> 00:08:56,513
I could help you, Charlie.
158
00:08:56,680 --> 00:08:59,069
I've already isolated
the source of your discomfort.
159
00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:01,629
All that's left would be
to realign your vertebrae...
160
00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:03,916
...through a gentle series
of manipulations and stretches...
161
00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:05,593
...thereby alleviating your pain.
162
00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:10,840
Well, you didn't explain it like that.
That's different.
163
00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:13,639
- So you'll let me work on you?
- Not in a million years.
164
00:09:15,200 --> 00:09:18,431
Fine. Worship at the altar
of the American Medical Association.
165
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:21,114
Swallow the pharmaceutical companies'
propaganda.
166
00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:24,716
I'll swallow it, I'll sniff it,
I'll insert it rectally.
167
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,954
Anything to kill the pain.
I'm dying here.
168
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:31,517
Mr. Harper, I'm Dr. Talmadge.
169
00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:34,069
Hello, doctor.
170
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:38,635
Hallelujah. It's a miracle.
171
00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:44,552
So I see you're having some back pain.
172
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:47,514
That will be $ 100, please.
173
00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:51,111
Yeah, it started in my back...
174
00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:55,353
...but now it's kind of radiating out
into a body-wide unbearable agony.
175
00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:58,318
You have a really cute little nose,
you know that?
176
00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:01,799
- Did the pain start in your lower back?
- Best I can tell...
177
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,678
...it's a spasm between
L4 and L5.
178
00:10:03,840 --> 00:10:06,035
- Oh, are you a doctor?
- Yes, I'm a chiropractor.
179
00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:08,077
So no.
180
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:11,759
How did this happen?
181
00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:14,309
Well, I slipped.
182
00:10:14,520 --> 00:10:16,511
On an actress.
183
00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:19,317
I can handle this, Alan.
184
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:21,710
Okay, see, the thing is,
I was in the middle of...
185
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:23,438
An actress.
186
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:25,599
I'm warning you.
187
00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:28,877
- Do the details really matter?
- No, no, I think I got the picture.
188
00:10:29,040 --> 00:10:31,349
There's video if you need it.
189
00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:33,434
Keep it up.
190
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:36,349
Okay, I see here your last visit
was four years ago.
191
00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,431
A mild hernia brought about by...
192
00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:40,511
Okay. I think I'm seeing
a pattern here.
193
00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:44,518
He's a sexual compulsive
with narcissistic tendencies.
194
00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:46,875
Oh, so you're
a pretend psychiatrist too.
195
00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:52,431
So, what's the course
of treatment here?
196
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:55,194
A pill, a shot?
Maybe one of those epidurals?
197
00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:58,079
First I'm going to get
your blood pressure and take x-rays.
198
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:01,915
- I take blood pressure and x-rays.
- Your mother must be very proud.
199
00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:04,431
Actually, no.
200
00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:06,717
Someone will be in
to take you to x-ray.
201
00:11:06,880 --> 00:11:08,711
Wait. I'm still in pain.
202
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:10,917
Try and hang in there.
In the meantime...
203
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:13,355
...maybe your little buddy
can give you a massage.
204
00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:20,029
- Can you believe her?
- Yeah, she is something else.
205
00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:22,919
Please don't tell me you're interested
in that condescending...
206
00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:24,593
...arrogant excuse for a woman.
207
00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:27,069
Pardon me, Alan,
but that is a condescending...
208
00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:29,800
...arrogant, hot excuse for a woman.
209
00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:33,111
She's just your typical obnoxious MD.
210
00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:35,271
I'm a doctor.
I have special license plates.
211
00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:37,874
I can park wherever I want.
212
00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:41,229
I know where I wanna park.
213
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,360
You're unbelievable.
Does your penis have an off switch?
214
00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:46,759
A pause button?
215
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:49,354
No, just a little freckle.
216
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:53,034
You're always telling me I should date
a better class of woman.
217
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:54,599
What's classier than a doctor?
218
00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:58,309
Oh, please. Four years of med school,
two years of internship...
219
00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:02,234
...a year of residency,
and everybody thinks they're so special.
220
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:04,675
But I'll tell you something.
A new day is dawning.
221
00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:08,355
A day of reckoning.
And it is spelled HMO.
222
00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:13,432
No more country clubs.
No more Cadillacs.
223
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:18,037
Just sky-high insurance premiums
and low, slow, copay reimbursements.
224
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:21,158
Just like the rest of us.
225
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:24,473
I'll bet she knows a lot
of secret anatomy stuff.
226
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:29,275
You know, places you touch
and the top of your head flies off.
227
00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:33,832
If you have sex with a doctor,
there's a chance they'll split...
228
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,195
...in the middle of the night
for an emergency.
229
00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:38,396
Well, that's just a price
you'll have to pay.
230
00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:41,074
No, no. That works for me.
231
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:45,715
Okay, I finished the toilet,
the shower...
232
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:48,838
...and the sink.
- What took you so long?
233
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,992
I went to the bathroom,
and I had to start over.
234
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:55,470
Take these, and get started
on the kitchen floor.
235
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:57,596
Why? I didn't pee in here.
236
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,192
Okay, once, but it was in the sink.
237
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:04,790
The sink? How'd you manage that?
238
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:08,316
It's not that hard. You just gotta
drink a lot of root beer, lean back...
239
00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:10,198
...and figure the angle.
240
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,556
So tell me about Dr. Talmadge.
241
00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:19,553
- Is she seeing anybody?
- Yes.
242
00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:22,837
- Is it serious?
- Dog bite.
243
00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:25,630
- No, I mean...
- Charlie, give it a rest.
244
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:27,153
What?
245
00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:30,437
You're sitting here in pain
because of a casual sexual encounter...
246
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:32,795
...and now you're trying
to drum up another one.
247
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:37,077
- Yeah, so?
- Don't you get it?
248
00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:38,958
Your entire life is about jumping...
249
00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:41,918
...from one shallow,
meaningless relationship to the next.
250
00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:44,153
And?
251
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:47,115
You're a grown man.
You can't go through life...
252
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:50,636
...drinking and partying and humping
anything that doesn't shake you off.
253
00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:53,310
Yes, I can.
254
00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:55,630
But sooner or later,
it's gonna catch up to you.
255
00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:57,756
Eventually,
you will have to pay the piper.
256
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,876
- Who says?
- Everybody says.
257
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:02,076
Really? Because I'm just hearing you.
258
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:05,751
If 2000 years of human history
has taught us anything...
259
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:08,309
...it's that there is karmic justice
in the world...
260
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,755
...and that when people live
the way you do...
261
00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:13,195
...bad things happen to them
to even things out.
262
00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:15,237
Well, I don't agree.
263
00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:17,438
It's not up for debate.
264
00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:20,194
It's a law, like gravity.
265
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,271
Oh, I agree with gravity.
266
00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:24,749
Good, we wouldn't want you
flying off the planet...
267
00:14:24,920 --> 00:14:26,672
...with nothing to hump
but satellites.
268
00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:29,274
If it makes you feel better,
something bad happened.
269
00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:31,635
- I'm in excruciating pain.
- That's not enough.
270
00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:34,555
Trust me, Charlie.
The piper has yet to be paid.
271
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:38,076
The only question is how high a tab
you want before the bill comes due.
272
00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:41,876
Okay. I get it.
273
00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:44,112
Well, good.
274
00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:47,637
So you think I have a shot
with that doctor, or what?
275
00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:53,277
It's like trying to talk Shakespeare
to a Hershey bar.
276
00:14:57,800 --> 00:14:59,677
Who's Piper?
277
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:07,836
Oh, you poor, clueless bitch.
Never trust a drifter with an eye patch.
278
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:10,712
- Berta.
- What?
279
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:12,996
I'm tired,
and my hands are all red and pruney.
280
00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:15,037
I've seen your grades. Get used to it.
281
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:18,514
How do I know when I'm done?
282
00:15:18,680 --> 00:15:20,716
Don't worry about that, honey,
I'll tell you.
283
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:24,589
Oh, for God's sakes, don't kiss him.
He's your brother.
284
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:28,310
- I have x-rays.
- Oh, good. Let me see them.
285
00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:30,232
Oh, golly, no. Only for a doctor.
286
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:33,036
Hey, I'm a doctor.
287
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:35,156
Oh, yeah? Where you parked?
288
00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:40,958
Alan, you gotta relax.
289
00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:44,476
You're harboring the kind of resentment
that eats away at your insides...
290
00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:47,996
...until you wake up one day
peeing blood and crapping into a bag.
291
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,639
Thanks for the advice.
292
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,836
You know the difference
between you and me?
293
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:53,319
I have a functioning liver...
294
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:55,550
...and somehow,
you're gonna get laid tonight.
295
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:59,676
That's ridiculous, Alan.
She's an educated professional.
296
00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:02,593
Probably gonna have to throw
a few fancy meals at her first.
297
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:04,876
Boo-hoo, you'll have to wait
a couple of weeks.
298
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:06,632
Couple of weeks?
299
00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:10,431
Anyway, the difference
between you and me...
300
00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:13,273
...is that when life gives me lemons,
I make lemonade.
301
00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:15,908
When you get lemons,
you just bite into them...
302
00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:18,196
...and suck them inside out.
303
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:22,876
Okay. Let's see what we've got.
304
00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:26,832
No fractures, no dislocations.
305
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:30,675
- Looks like just a simple muscle spasm.
- Between L4 and L5?
306
00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:33,229
Oh, good for you.
307
00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:36,558
Okay, I am gonna give you a shot,
which should ease the pain...
308
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:38,995
...and also allow
your muscles to relax.
309
00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:40,718
Have you had Demerol before?
310
00:16:40,880 --> 00:16:42,393
No, but I've heard nice
things about it.
311
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:45,549
Okay, I'm just gonna pull
your shorts down a little.
312
00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:48,393
But Dr. Talmadge,
I don't even know your first name.
313
00:16:48,560 --> 00:16:50,915
- Michelle.
- Michelle.
314
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:52,433
That's prettier than Stanley.
315
00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:57,877
- Sorry.
- That's okay.
316
00:16:58,040 --> 00:17:01,999
It's all part of the little meet-cute
thing we got going here.
317
00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:06,793
So how long does it take
before I start feeling...
318
00:17:10,840 --> 00:17:12,637
...happy.
319
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:18,833
Happy, happy, happy.
Happy.
320
00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:21,309
Michelle, did you know
I have a house on the beach?
321
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:25,236
- Really? I love the beach.
- Oh, good, because I have a house there.
322
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:30,151
Wait outside, I need to give your brother
a hernia exam to make sure...
323
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:32,993
...he hasn't reinjured the area.
- A hernia exam.
324
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,878
- And your boxers.
- Bye-bye, boxers.
325
00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:44,551
I was wrong. There's no justice.
326
00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:46,870
I thought there was justice,
but there's not.
327
00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:48,598
What, you think there's justice?
328
00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:50,796
Because there's not.
329
00:17:51,360 --> 00:17:52,634
Turn your head and cough.
330
00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:57,994
- You have very warm hands.
- Again.
331
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,469
You have very warm hands.
332
00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:06,794
So any chance I could
take you out for dinner tonight?
333
00:18:06,960 --> 00:18:09,997
- You're hitting on me?
- You started it.
334
00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:12,879
- You're amazing.
- Well, statistically...
335
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:15,873
...I'm only slightly above average.
336
00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:19,477
But I make up for it
with enthusiasm and perseverance.
337
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:22,108
No, what's amazing
is that you don't remember me.
338
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:23,838
Well, sure I remember you.
339
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:27,072
You're the pretty woman cupping
my testicles from earlier.
340
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:30,755
Back when I was in medical school,
you and I went out for a couple months.
341
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:35,911
You wanna loosen your grip there?
342
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:38,192
Then for reasons I never understood...
343
00:18:38,360 --> 00:18:40,999
...you stopped calling me,
and started seeing my roommate.
344
00:18:42,360 --> 00:18:44,316
The grip.
345
00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:47,590
I always hoped I'd run into you again.
346
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:51,635
Please. Just leave me one.
347
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:55,034
Oh, dear God.
348
00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:58,148
My brother's making lemonade.
349
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:05,352
I need to go to the bathroom.
350
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:07,238
So go.
351
00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:11,958
Oh, yeah.
352
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:22,393
Good night.
I'll see you tomorrow.
353
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:24,118
- Night.
- Night.
354
00:19:24,280 --> 00:19:27,192
So, are you gonna tell me
what happened with you and the doctor?
355
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:28,634
What do you think happened?
356
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:31,797
I think she shot you full of drugs...
357
00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,996
...you dropped trou,
she jumped your bones...
358
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,549
...and you're the luckiest bastard
to walk the earth.
359
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:39,913
Well, for your information...
360
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:42,435
...that's exactly what happened.
361
00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:46,475
Not even a little justice.
362
00:19:46,640 --> 00:19:50,235
This is a justice-free zone.
363
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,958
Looking for justice?
Sorry, fresh out.
364
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,754
Enjoy sucking on that lemon.
365
00:19:59,680 --> 00:20:02,148
Nope, not yet.
366
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:27,511
Subtitles by
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367
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:29,671
[ENGLISH]
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