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♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
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00:00:05,723 --> 00:00:09,036
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
3
00:00:09,060 --> 00:00:11,321
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
4
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:14,362
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
5
00:00:17,068 --> 00:00:19,146
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
6
00:00:19,170 --> 00:00:21,090
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
7
00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:24,601
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
8
00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:27,136
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
9
00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:28,672
♪ F Troop! ♪
10
00:00:28,696 --> 00:00:31,675
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
11
00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,677
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
12
00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:36,980
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
13
00:00:37,004 --> 00:00:39,649
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
14
00:00:39,673 --> 00:00:41,685
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
15
00:00:41,709 --> 00:00:44,487
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
16
00:00:44,511 --> 00:00:47,741
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
17
00:00:47,765 --> 00:00:50,877
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
18
00:00:50,901 --> 00:00:52,817
♪ F Troop! ♪
19
00:01:32,125 --> 00:01:33,859
Ten-hut!
20
00:01:38,181 --> 00:01:40,098
Aren't you one of us, Duddleson?
21
00:01:41,318 --> 00:01:43,163
Salute with your right
hand, not your left!
22
00:01:43,187 --> 00:01:45,599
Sorry about that, but I
always did have trouble
23
00:01:45,623 --> 00:01:46,866
telling my right from my left.
24
00:01:46,890 --> 00:01:49,010
I can tell that by
looking at your boots.
25
00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:53,055
Oh, corporal. Captain.
26
00:01:53,079 --> 00:01:54,857
I just got word that
the inspector general
27
00:01:54,881 --> 00:01:57,493
is on his way here to check
on F Troop's pension fund.
28
00:01:57,517 --> 00:01:59,962
I hope Sergeant O'Rourke
will be ready with a full report.
29
00:01:59,986 --> 00:02:01,030
He will be, sir.
30
00:02:01,054 --> 00:02:02,694
He's balancing
the books right now.
31
00:02:03,740 --> 00:02:09,956
I'll see you for 110,
and 110, I raise.
32
00:02:09,980 --> 00:02:11,380
Well, I'll see that.
33
00:02:12,949 --> 00:02:16,551
And I'll raise you
another...$200.
34
00:02:21,158 --> 00:02:26,039
I have two pair, and
they're all queens.
35
00:02:26,063 --> 00:02:28,208
I always did have
luck with the ladies.
36
00:02:28,232 --> 00:02:30,132
Well, these three fives...
37
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How's it going?
38
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Hey. Great. Great.
39
00:02:36,806 --> 00:02:37,884
Listen...
40
00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:39,552
you gotta go get me
some more money.
41
00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:40,920
You mean you're losing?
42
00:02:40,944 --> 00:02:42,622
The captain's been
asking about ya.
43
00:02:42,646 --> 00:02:44,424
He's been asking
about the pension fund.
44
00:02:44,448 --> 00:02:47,293
And now when he finds out
there's gambling... Oh, sarge!
45
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Go to the troop.
46
00:02:48,485 --> 00:02:51,253
They must have some
money stashed some place.
47
00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:55,985
Three dollars and 85 cents.
48
00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,854
Is that all you guys can raise?
49
00:02:57,878 --> 00:03:00,190
I'd have had more, but
I got to shooting dice
50
00:03:00,214 --> 00:03:01,791
with Sergeant O'Rourke.
51
00:03:01,815 --> 00:03:03,960
How about you, Vanderbilt.
You always got money.
52
00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:05,495
I just mailed mine to the bank.
53
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:06,896
I'm saving up to
buy a telescope.
54
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:08,431
You what?!
55
00:03:08,455 --> 00:03:11,100
Sergeant O'Rourke playing
his heart out in a poker game
56
00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:12,802
in that saloon for
the glory of F Troop,
57
00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:14,804
and all you can think
about is yourself?
58
00:03:14,828 --> 00:03:15,838
Oh, for shame.
59
00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:17,407
How about you, Dobbs?
60
00:03:17,431 --> 00:03:19,509
Oh, I gave all my money
to Sergeant O'Rourke
61
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:20,813
for them Indian blankets.
62
00:03:22,836 --> 00:03:25,549
Genuine Indian blankets!
A hundred percent wool.
63
00:03:25,573 --> 00:03:28,117
Ten-percent wool,
90-percent cotton.
64
00:03:28,141 --> 00:03:29,719
I know, we make 'em.
65
00:03:29,743 --> 00:03:31,854
Now, chief, why don't
you buy 'em back?
66
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:33,190
It's gonna be a cold winter.
67
00:03:33,214 --> 00:03:35,192
Snuggle up nice and warm.
68
00:03:35,216 --> 00:03:37,327
Oh, stop sales talk.
69
00:03:37,351 --> 00:03:38,961
Sleeping on an Indian blanket...
70
00:03:38,985 --> 00:03:41,620
Like sleeping on
a sheep's tummy.
71
00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:44,467
Where you think that come from?
72
00:03:44,491 --> 00:03:45,468
You make it up?
73
00:03:45,492 --> 00:03:46,469
No.
74
00:03:46,493 --> 00:03:47,637
We make it up.
75
00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:49,472
Wild Eagle, I'm
gonna level with ya.
76
00:03:49,496 --> 00:03:50,940
How about a loan?
77
00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:54,644
For sick grandmother have
tonsils out in Kansas City?
78
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:56,946
We make that one up too.
79
00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:59,031
Chief, you gotta have heart!
80
00:03:59,055 --> 00:04:01,300
You know what a great
card player the sarge is, right?
81
00:04:01,324 --> 00:04:02,719
You give him a
couple of dollars,
82
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,019
he'll win a fortune for us!
83
00:04:04,043 --> 00:04:06,222
Your face will be on
every nickel in the country.
84
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:09,759
Old Indian saying:
85
00:04:09,783 --> 00:04:12,061
"Man who gamble with few dollars
86
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:15,164
always wind up on
short end of buffalo horn."
87
00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:20,035
He's playing with Dapper
Dan, and he' a very easy mark.
88
00:04:20,059 --> 00:04:21,838
New Indian saying:
89
00:04:21,862 --> 00:04:24,039
"Man who play with fire,
90
00:04:24,063 --> 00:04:26,942
have better chance than man
who play with Dapper Dan."
91
00:04:26,966 --> 00:04:30,179
Why you think Indians
always ride bareback?
92
00:04:30,203 --> 00:04:33,015
Dapper Dan win all the saddles.
93
00:04:33,039 --> 00:04:36,652
Go sell blankets someplace else.
94
00:04:36,676 --> 00:04:39,589
Genuine Indian blankets.
A hundred percent wool.
95
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,691
Ten percent wool
and 90 percent cotton.
96
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:43,893
I know, I bought a
dozen from O'Rourke.
97
00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:45,227
How about you, sir?
98
00:04:45,251 --> 00:04:47,329
Looks like it's gonna
be a long, cold winter.
99
00:04:47,353 --> 00:04:48,330
He don't need 'em.
100
00:04:48,354 --> 00:04:49,732
This here's my cousin Henry.
101
00:04:49,756 --> 00:04:51,634
Just come out to help
me for a few weeks.
102
00:04:51,658 --> 00:04:52,935
Corporal Agarn, Henry Terkel.
103
00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:54,069
Hi, pal.
104
00:04:54,093 --> 00:04:56,138
I gotta get my hands on
some money, Wrangler.
105
00:04:56,162 --> 00:04:57,473
This is an emergency.
106
00:04:57,497 --> 00:04:59,141
It ain't your grandma
with the tonsils
107
00:04:59,165 --> 00:05:01,644
back in Kansas
City again, is it?
108
00:05:01,668 --> 00:05:03,212
That was a deep cut, Wrangler.
109
00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:04,747
This is a real emergency.
110
00:05:04,771 --> 00:05:06,749
I gotta get some money, fast!
111
00:05:06,773 --> 00:05:08,484
Corporal, I beg your pardon.
112
00:05:08,508 --> 00:05:10,586
Perhaps I could
be of assistance?
113
00:05:10,610 --> 00:05:12,087
That'd be great.
114
00:05:12,111 --> 00:05:14,590
We'll pay you back tomorrow.
115
00:05:14,614 --> 00:05:15,680
You're too kind, sir.
116
00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:18,761
What's that?
117
00:05:18,785 --> 00:05:20,396
That's a little
invention of mine.
118
00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:21,664
It's called a talk-a-box.
119
00:05:21,688 --> 00:05:23,098
You talk into the little box,
120
00:05:23,122 --> 00:05:26,368
and someone else talks into
another box from far away.
121
00:05:26,392 --> 00:05:27,520
And you can hear each other.
122
00:05:27,544 --> 00:05:28,888
As a matter of fact,
123
00:05:28,912 --> 00:05:31,056
I have several of these
set up in some of the stores.
124
00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:32,825
I have one over
at the livery stable,
125
00:05:32,849 --> 00:05:34,227
I have one over in the saloon...
126
00:05:34,251 --> 00:05:36,129
Let me get this straight.
127
00:05:36,153 --> 00:05:39,248
You're gonna talk
into this oatmeal box,
128
00:05:39,272 --> 00:05:41,451
and somebody's gonna
hear you at the livery stable?
129
00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:42,935
Yes.
130
00:05:42,959 --> 00:05:45,471
I suppose the guy
at the livery stable,
131
00:05:45,495 --> 00:05:46,839
he's got an oatmeal
box too, huh?
132
00:05:46,863 --> 00:05:48,408
That's right.
133
00:05:48,432 --> 00:05:51,076
You mean he's standing around
listening to an oatmeal box?
134
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:52,912
Yes, and you can
make a lot of money
135
00:05:52,936 --> 00:05:54,480
with this little invention too.
136
00:05:54,504 --> 00:05:55,648
See, you charge people
137
00:05:55,672 --> 00:05:58,217
every time they
talk to each other.
138
00:05:58,241 --> 00:06:00,519
You're gonna charge people
for talking to each other?
139
00:06:00,543 --> 00:06:01,520
Yes.
140
00:06:01,544 --> 00:06:02,689
You see the way it works,
141
00:06:02,713 --> 00:06:04,724
your voice goes into
the little box here,
142
00:06:04,748 --> 00:06:07,026
then it comes out, and it
jumps along this little wire,
143
00:06:07,050 --> 00:06:09,795
and it runs along the wire
until it gets to the other box.
144
00:06:09,819 --> 00:06:11,697
And then it jumps
out of the other box
145
00:06:11,721 --> 00:06:13,266
into the fella's ear.
146
00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:14,834
Jumps off of the
wire into your ear?
147
00:06:14,858 --> 00:06:17,303
Yes.
148
00:06:17,327 --> 00:06:19,905
Why don't you just tear
the wires out of the boxes
149
00:06:19,929 --> 00:06:22,163
and make yourself a
nice bowl of oatmeal.
150
00:06:24,233 --> 00:06:25,878
I hate to tell you
this, Wrangler,
151
00:06:25,902 --> 00:06:28,462
but I think your cousin's
flipped his wheat cakes.
152
00:06:38,415 --> 00:06:40,693
Why don't you watch
where you're going?
153
00:06:40,717 --> 00:06:41,694
Captain!
154
00:06:41,718 --> 00:06:42,929
Are you all right, captain?
155
00:06:42,953 --> 00:06:44,164
I'm fine. I'm fine.
156
00:06:44,188 --> 00:06:46,266
You see, I'm fine.
157
00:06:46,290 --> 00:06:48,668
I'm still looking for
Sergeant O'Rourke, though.
158
00:06:48,692 --> 00:06:50,336
You know the
inspector general's due
159
00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:52,638
first thing in the morning
to pick up the pension fund.
160
00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:54,340
And I haven't seen
the sergeant all day.
161
00:06:54,364 --> 00:06:56,442
He's down at the
post office, captain,
162
00:06:56,466 --> 00:06:57,443
mailing a letter.
163
00:06:57,467 --> 00:06:58,812
Oh, no.
164
00:06:58,836 --> 00:07:01,014
I hope it's not his grandmother
in Kansas City again.
165
00:07:01,038 --> 00:07:02,715
Yes, that's just... It is her.
166
00:07:02,739 --> 00:07:04,317
Her tonsils are
kicking up again.
167
00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:05,919
Oh, I'm sorry to
hear that, corporal.
168
00:07:05,943 --> 00:07:07,720
Say, you don't have
her address, do you?
169
00:07:07,744 --> 00:07:09,622
I'd like to send
her a get-well card.
170
00:07:09,646 --> 00:07:11,925
Well, sir, the sarge
has already sent her
171
00:07:11,949 --> 00:07:13,542
a dozen roses in your name, sir.
172
00:07:13,566 --> 00:07:15,411
Oh, really?
173
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:16,812
Oh, he's all heart, isn't he?
174
00:07:16,836 --> 00:07:18,097
Yes, sir. He's all heart.
175
00:07:18,121 --> 00:07:19,898
Well, I'll look for
him in the post office.
176
00:07:19,922 --> 00:07:21,634
Uh, if you don't
see him there, you...
177
00:07:21,658 --> 00:07:23,569
You might try the
blacksmith's shop
178
00:07:23,593 --> 00:07:24,770
and maybe the general store.
179
00:07:24,794 --> 00:07:26,172
Oh, good. Thank you, corporal.
180
00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:28,741
Oh, incidentally, where are
you going with all the blankets?
181
00:07:28,765 --> 00:07:29,809
Sergeant O'Rourke, sir.
182
00:07:29,833 --> 00:07:31,211
He told me to get
them for the men.
183
00:07:31,235 --> 00:07:33,479
It gets mighty cold these
nights in the barracks, sir.
184
00:07:33,503 --> 00:07:34,981
Oh, really? Yes, sir.
185
00:07:35,005 --> 00:07:37,350
Now, that's... That's good
cavalry thinking, corporal.
186
00:07:37,374 --> 00:07:38,450
Yes, sir. Thank you.
187
00:07:38,474 --> 00:07:40,053
You can always
depend on the sergeant
188
00:07:40,077 --> 00:07:41,688
to do the right thing
for the men, sir.
189
00:07:41,712 --> 00:07:44,256
I lost the pension fund.
190
00:07:44,280 --> 00:07:46,693
You lost the pension fund!
191
00:07:46,717 --> 00:07:49,762
Don't worry. I'll get it back.
192
00:07:49,786 --> 00:07:51,597
How much money
did you raise for me?
193
00:07:51,621 --> 00:07:58,604
A grand total of $6 and 85 cents
plus an IOU for $10 from Duffy.
194
00:07:58,628 --> 00:08:00,873
That's one chip.
195
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:03,576
One chip. What will you do?
196
00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:06,795
Sergeant, shall we
play a little penny ante
197
00:08:06,819 --> 00:08:10,499
while your friend's out
looking for some real money?
198
00:08:10,523 --> 00:08:11,767
All right.
199
00:08:11,791 --> 00:08:13,402
I'll bet the saloon.
200
00:08:13,426 --> 00:08:15,605
You lost that an hour ago.
201
00:08:15,629 --> 00:08:17,707
Oh, yeah. So I did.
202
00:08:17,731 --> 00:08:19,609
All right then, the
silver-plated saddle.
203
00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:20,610
Go ask Jane.
204
00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:21,777
Tell her it's not only for me
205
00:08:21,801 --> 00:08:22,945
but for the captain as well.
206
00:08:22,969 --> 00:08:24,413
Captain's not in the game.
207
00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:26,215
Yes, he is.
208
00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:30,419
I just lost the pension
fund, remember?
209
00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:32,921
The pension fund.
210
00:08:32,945 --> 00:08:35,023
Play slowly.
211
00:08:35,047 --> 00:08:36,091
Slowly.
212
00:08:36,115 --> 00:08:38,349
That way you won't lose so fast.
213
00:08:40,787 --> 00:08:43,621
Slowly.
214
00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:49,739
It's not just for
Sergeant O'Rourke.
215
00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:52,441
Think of F Troop,
no pension fund.
216
00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:53,643
Well, I don't know.
217
00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:54,843
Daddy always told me
218
00:08:54,867 --> 00:08:56,679
there ain't no such
thing as easy money.
219
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:58,330
Besides that, I
don't like gambling.
220
00:08:58,354 --> 00:08:59,999
It's more than
gambling now, Wrangler.
221
00:09:00,023 --> 00:09:02,068
Think of the captain.
He'll lose face.
222
00:09:02,092 --> 00:09:05,738
He might even lose... his bars.
223
00:09:05,762 --> 00:09:06,789
Pardon me, corporal.
224
00:09:06,813 --> 00:09:08,958
Perhaps I can be of assistance?
225
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:10,793
Another oatmeal box?
226
00:09:10,817 --> 00:09:12,394
No, no, no, no.
227
00:09:12,418 --> 00:09:15,631
Here is another one of my
moneymaking inventions.
228
00:09:15,655 --> 00:09:19,135
Now, they call it a hear-a-box,
and I'll show you how it works.
229
00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:21,603
First of all, you push
this little button right here.
230
00:09:21,627 --> 00:09:24,606
Now, you sit on your
bicycle, and you start pedaling.
231
00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:26,608
That's where you get your power.
232
00:09:26,632 --> 00:09:29,444
Wrangler, I don't
know about him.
233
00:09:29,468 --> 00:09:32,381
Now, let's say there's
some fella in Cincinnati
234
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:33,549
playing the violin.
235
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:34,984
Let's say that.
236
00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:38,353
Now, the music floats through
the air over these sound waves,
237
00:09:38,377 --> 00:09:41,891
and it comes out right here.
238
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,125
You mean, you pedal a bike,
239
00:09:43,149 --> 00:09:45,294
and you can hear a guy
playing fiddle in Cincinnati?
240
00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:48,130
Oh, these waves transmit
any sorts of sounds.
241
00:09:48,154 --> 00:09:50,800
It might be a symphony
orchestra from Cleveland.
242
00:09:50,824 --> 00:09:53,202
Oh, you left Cincinnati,
now you're in Cleveland.
243
00:09:53,226 --> 00:09:57,090
Now, if it's money you
want, here is your answer.
244
00:09:57,114 --> 00:10:00,292
You see, you make people
pay to hear the music.
245
00:10:00,316 --> 00:10:01,410
Oh, when I want music,
246
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:03,679
I buy the piano
player a beer, and he...
247
00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:06,014
plays any song I want.
248
00:10:06,038 --> 00:10:09,719
Listen, I wouldn't tell anybody
about this if I were you.
249
00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:11,020
You're gonna get into trouble.
250
00:10:11,044 --> 00:10:13,022
They're gonna put you away.
251
00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:15,892
Wrangler, you gotta do it.
Let us have some money.
252
00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:17,560
I'll tell you what.
253
00:10:17,584 --> 00:10:19,094
I'll go to that game myself
254
00:10:19,118 --> 00:10:20,863
'cause I gotta see
what's going on.
255
00:10:20,887 --> 00:10:24,033
I don't trust this here
gambling business.
256
00:10:25,158 --> 00:10:26,602
Bless you, wrangler. Let's go.
257
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:27,736
Can I go along with ya?
258
00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:28,988
I know a little bit about that.
259
00:10:29,012 --> 00:10:30,623
Oh, no. You stay here.
260
00:10:30,647 --> 00:10:33,092
Play with your oatmeal
boxes, pedal your bicycle.
261
00:10:33,116 --> 00:10:35,427
And ask that guy in Cincinnati
to play "Oh! Susanna."
262
00:10:35,451 --> 00:10:37,301
Would you do that?
263
00:11:08,502 --> 00:11:10,146
How do you do? I'm
Captain Parmenter.
264
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:11,514
Well, how do you do, captain?
265
00:11:11,538 --> 00:11:13,616
I'm Henry Terkel,
Janie's cousin.
266
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,618
Oh, I'm glad to meet you.
267
00:11:15,642 --> 00:11:17,453
What you have here, Mr. Terkel?
268
00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:19,672
Oh, this is a little
invention of mine.
269
00:11:19,696 --> 00:11:21,758
I dabble in inventions.
270
00:11:21,782 --> 00:11:23,525
Uh-huh. And what is that?
271
00:11:23,549 --> 00:11:24,660
It's a table.
272
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,262
You fold it up and
put it in the closet.
273
00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:27,296
Then when you need it,
274
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:28,765
you take it out
and you set it up.
275
00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:32,769
You, uh, want to keep
a table in the closet?
276
00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:34,203
Why not?
277
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:36,505
Well, you know, most
people who have a table,
278
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:39,375
they like to set it up right
in the middle of a room.
279
00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:41,177
Well, this is an extra
table, don't you see?
280
00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:43,445
When friends come over,
if you wanna play cards.
281
00:11:43,469 --> 00:11:45,114
You get... I have
some cards right here.
282
00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:46,715
By the way, do you
play cards, captain?
283
00:11:46,739 --> 00:11:48,267
Well, I have played some hearts.
284
00:11:48,291 --> 00:11:50,531
Oh, well, that's
nice. I've played...
285
00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:53,389
Would you mind picking up
286
00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:55,208
that three of diamonds
for me, please?
287
00:11:55,232 --> 00:11:59,044
Well, that's face down.
How do you know it's a three?
288
00:11:59,068 --> 00:12:00,680
It has to be a three, captain,
289
00:12:00,704 --> 00:12:02,748
because I looked when
I riffled through the deck
290
00:12:02,772 --> 00:12:04,550
and the three was the
17th card in the deck.
291
00:12:04,574 --> 00:12:06,552
And it was right next
to the eight of hearts
292
00:12:06,576 --> 00:12:08,054
which was the 16th
card in the deck.
293
00:12:08,078 --> 00:12:10,722
The 15th was the six of clubs.
294
00:12:10,746 --> 00:12:12,558
The 14th was the...
295
00:12:12,582 --> 00:12:14,626
You remember cards just
by looking at them fast?
296
00:12:14,650 --> 00:12:18,347
I never forget a card.
Or a name. Or a face.
297
00:12:18,371 --> 00:12:20,850
Well... Oh, that reminds me.
298
00:12:20,874 --> 00:12:22,251
Have you seen Sergeant O'Rourke?
299
00:12:22,275 --> 00:12:23,369
I haven't met him.
300
00:12:23,393 --> 00:12:25,138
Oh, well, where's Jane?
301
00:12:25,162 --> 00:12:27,173
She's over at the
saloon playing cards.
302
00:12:27,197 --> 00:12:28,441
She's what?
303
00:12:28,465 --> 00:12:31,043
She and Corporal Agarn
went to the card game.
304
00:12:31,067 --> 00:12:33,111
They're at the card game
with Sergeant O'Rourke
305
00:12:33,135 --> 00:12:34,112
and Dapper Dan.
306
00:12:34,136 --> 00:12:35,514
You see, I never forget a name.
307
00:12:35,538 --> 00:12:39,752
Jane and Sergeant O'Rourke
and Corporal Agarn, gambling?
308
00:12:39,776 --> 00:12:42,354
With Dapper Dan?
309
00:12:42,378 --> 00:12:45,708
Gambling is absolutely
forbidden in this territory.
310
00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:47,876
Dobbs.
311
00:12:47,900 --> 00:12:50,413
Face the saloon
and blow "Assembly."
312
00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:52,748
Uh, face the saloon,
sir, and blow "Assembly"?
313
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,517
Yes, I want everybody
out of that saloon.
314
00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:56,085
Begging the
captain's pardon, sir,
315
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,254
but don't we have enough
drunks in F Troop already?
316
00:12:58,278 --> 00:12:59,622
Well... Never mind that, Dobbs,
317
00:12:59,646 --> 00:13:01,424
just face the saloon
and blow "Assembly."
318
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:02,592
I want them all out of there.
319
00:13:02,616 --> 00:13:04,360
Begging the captain's
pardon again, sir,
320
00:13:04,384 --> 00:13:05,861
but long as I'm
facing the saloon,
321
00:13:05,885 --> 00:13:08,531
shouldn't I blow "Drink To
Me Only With Thine Eyes"?
322
00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:10,799
Never mind, just go inside there
323
00:13:10,823 --> 00:13:13,001
and tell Sergeant O'Rourke
and Corporal Agarn
324
00:13:13,025 --> 00:13:15,538
to report to me in
my office immediately.
325
00:13:15,562 --> 00:13:17,706
Well, I'm even luckier than ever
326
00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:19,909
when there's a lovely
lady like you around.
327
00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:21,410
Oh, really?
328
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:23,779
All right, come on, Agarn.
What do you got to put up?
329
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:27,316
This is a solid-gold
belt buckle.
330
00:13:27,340 --> 00:13:29,685
Mother gave it to me when
I graduated the fourth grade.
331
00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:31,520
Oh. Forgive me, Mother.
332
00:13:31,544 --> 00:13:34,690
Mother would be proud of
you. It's for a worthy cause.
333
00:13:34,714 --> 00:13:37,009
Uh, Corporal Agarn,
Sergeant O'Rourke,
334
00:13:37,033 --> 00:13:39,512
Captain Parmenter wants to
see you in his office right away.
335
00:13:39,536 --> 00:13:41,446
On the double.
336
00:13:41,470 --> 00:13:44,567
Don't... Don't go
away. I'll be back.
337
00:13:44,591 --> 00:13:47,502
Sergeant, I am ashamed of you.
338
00:13:47,526 --> 00:13:49,271
Ashamed.
339
00:13:49,295 --> 00:13:52,207
This is no way to set a
proper example for your men.
340
00:13:52,231 --> 00:13:55,343
This gambling has
to stop right now.
341
00:13:55,367 --> 00:13:57,780
And I want Dapper
Dan out of town.
342
00:13:57,804 --> 00:14:00,248
Well, that may be a little
difficult to arrange, sir.
343
00:14:00,272 --> 00:14:02,751
Yeah, now that he
owns most of the town.
344
00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:03,953
What's that, corporal?
345
00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:07,122
I said... he's the
toast of the town, sir.
346
00:14:07,146 --> 00:14:08,457
I don't care.
347
00:14:08,481 --> 00:14:10,258
I don't care if he is
the toast of the town.
348
00:14:10,282 --> 00:14:11,927
I want him out of
here tomorrow morning
349
00:14:11,951 --> 00:14:13,596
before the inspector
general arrives.
350
00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:16,164
He's coming here to pick up
the pension fund... That's $2000.
351
00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:18,834
And I expect you in my
office with the money at 9:30.
352
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:19,991
Dismissed.
353
00:14:26,766 --> 00:14:28,443
Well, sarge, what do we do?
354
00:14:28,467 --> 00:14:30,545
I don't know, but I'll
think of something.
355
00:14:30,569 --> 00:14:31,546
I got it. What?
356
00:14:31,570 --> 00:14:33,115
The captain wants
the money by 9:30?
357
00:14:33,139 --> 00:14:34,850
Right. We leave town at 9.
358
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:37,052
Ah. For desertion
you get 20 years.
359
00:14:37,076 --> 00:14:38,253
So what?
360
00:14:38,277 --> 00:14:40,522
For embezzling army
funds, you get 25.
361
00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:42,046
I just saved us five years.
362
00:14:51,290 --> 00:14:53,219
What are you doing here, Henry?
363
00:14:53,243 --> 00:14:56,589
I thought if you still needed
money, I got another idea.
364
00:14:56,613 --> 00:14:58,624
Please, Henry, not now.
365
00:14:58,648 --> 00:15:01,126
But... But this is it. I
call it my wagon mobile.
366
00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:02,728
It's like a horse and buggy.
367
00:15:02,752 --> 00:15:04,029
Where do you hook up the horse?
368
00:15:04,053 --> 00:15:05,197
You don't use a horse.
369
00:15:05,221 --> 00:15:07,966
It runs on liquid,
like oil and kerosene.
370
00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:10,703
You're gonna give
kerosene to a horse?
371
00:15:10,727 --> 00:15:12,070
No, no, no.
372
00:15:12,094 --> 00:15:13,472
You put the oil in the gadget,
373
00:15:13,496 --> 00:15:15,841
and that makes
the wheels go round.
374
00:15:15,865 --> 00:15:17,276
You put oil in the buggy,
375
00:15:17,300 --> 00:15:19,278
and you'll wind up with
four slippery wheels.
376
00:15:19,302 --> 00:15:20,679
But I thought...
377
00:15:20,703 --> 00:15:23,866
Shh, shh. The sarge
is concentrating.
378
00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:26,090
One.
379
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:30,239
No. That was a mistake.
380
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:31,306
Why?
381
00:15:31,330 --> 00:15:32,610
Well, he's drawing to...
382
00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:35,477
He's drawing to a straight,
383
00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:37,346
and he shouldn't
be drawing to a flush.
384
00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:41,016
His chances of making a
straight are 23-1, a flush 7-1.
385
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:43,052
Besides that, I
watched him shuffle.
386
00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:45,254
His next card will
be the nine of clubs,
387
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,689
and the card he needs is
two cards from the bottom.
388
00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:48,957
Jack of hearts.
389
00:15:48,981 --> 00:15:49,958
How do you know all that?
390
00:15:49,982 --> 00:15:51,026
Oh, I have a knack.
391
00:15:51,050 --> 00:15:53,795
I remember things
like names, faces.
392
00:15:53,819 --> 00:15:56,731
I even remember the names
of the kids I went to school with.
393
00:15:56,755 --> 00:15:59,334
There was a Felicia Abernethy.
394
00:15:59,358 --> 00:16:01,103
There was Homer Abercrombie.
395
00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:03,539
Leroy Crowell...
He was a funny kid.
396
00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:05,407
He used to do his
homework on butcher paper.
397
00:16:05,431 --> 00:16:08,110
And his long underwear
was always damp at the wrists.
398
00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:10,179
Never mind. Go on outside.
399
00:16:10,203 --> 00:16:11,380
I wanna talk to you.
400
00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:14,249
I'll be back in a minute, sarge.
401
00:16:14,273 --> 00:16:15,850
I think I got something here.
402
00:16:15,874 --> 00:16:17,586
Play slowly.
403
00:16:17,610 --> 00:16:19,810
That way you won't lose so fast.
404
00:16:21,947 --> 00:16:26,595
Henry, tell me,
confidentially...
405
00:16:26,619 --> 00:16:28,397
did you ever play cards?
406
00:16:28,421 --> 00:16:29,864
I do not gamble.
407
00:16:29,888 --> 00:16:32,101
I do not drink, I do
not pursue women.
408
00:16:32,125 --> 00:16:33,535
You know what I like to do?
409
00:16:33,559 --> 00:16:35,488
I like to collect
seashells. I listen to them.
410
00:16:35,512 --> 00:16:36,639
They tell me things.
411
00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:37,907
Henry, you missed out.
412
00:16:37,931 --> 00:16:39,775
Do you realize how much
money you could make
413
00:16:39,799 --> 00:16:41,277
playing cards with your brains?
414
00:16:41,301 --> 00:16:42,711
Wouldn't you like
to do something
415
00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:43,912
for the men in uniform?
416
00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:45,113
For the what?
417
00:16:45,137 --> 00:16:46,982
Don't you realize while
you're safe at home
418
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,550
listening to your seashells,
419
00:16:48,574 --> 00:16:50,319
the men of F Troop
are protecting you,
420
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:53,455
standing guard against
the bloodthirsty redskin?
421
00:16:53,479 --> 00:16:55,190
I think that's nice of them.
422
00:16:55,214 --> 00:16:56,425
Nice of them?
423
00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:58,460
The least you could do
is get in that card game
424
00:16:58,484 --> 00:17:01,363
and help the sarge save
the pension fund for the men.
425
00:17:01,387 --> 00:17:03,832
But I do not gamble.
426
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:06,635
Don't you realize we've lost all
the money in the pension fund
427
00:17:06,659 --> 00:17:08,103
in that card game?
428
00:17:08,127 --> 00:17:10,844
Corporal Agarn, reporting
for court-martial, sir.
429
00:17:11,997 --> 00:17:13,942
Did I hear you say
that Sergeant O'Rourke
430
00:17:13,966 --> 00:17:16,462
has lost the pension
fund to Dapper Dan?
431
00:17:16,486 --> 00:17:19,664
Well, if all you're
interested in is fact, sir.
432
00:17:19,688 --> 00:17:22,101
I thought so. I knew
they wouldn't stop.
433
00:17:22,125 --> 00:17:24,036
We could win, sir. We
could get it all back.
434
00:17:24,060 --> 00:17:25,788
Henry here is a wiz at cards.
435
00:17:25,812 --> 00:17:28,057
I told you corporal, as long
as I am military governor
436
00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:30,126
of this territory, there
will be no gambling.
437
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:33,695
With Henry, it isn't
gambling. It's a sure thing.
438
00:17:33,719 --> 00:17:35,431
We gotta get somebody
into that game.
439
00:17:35,455 --> 00:17:38,066
That game will end in a moment.
I'm going in there and stop it.
440
00:17:38,090 --> 00:17:39,218
Oh, captain, you can't!
441
00:17:39,242 --> 00:17:40,853
We can't stop now. We're losing.
442
00:17:40,877 --> 00:17:42,755
How are you gonna
tell the inspector general
443
00:17:42,779 --> 00:17:43,756
we ain't got the $2000?
444
00:17:43,780 --> 00:17:45,057
What are you gonna tell him?
445
00:17:45,081 --> 00:17:48,828
Well, I'll just tell
him that we... Uh...
446
00:17:48,852 --> 00:17:52,948
We... are in a little
trouble here, aren't we?
447
00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:57,353
He's beaten O'Rourke.
He won't play with me.
448
00:17:57,377 --> 00:17:59,654
Somebody's gotta get up
to that table who's a big shot.
449
00:17:59,678 --> 00:18:00,956
Famous gambler.
450
00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:03,220
Somebody who'd be kind
of like a challenge to him.
451
00:18:07,437 --> 00:18:09,815
I know.
452
00:18:09,839 --> 00:18:13,151
Beauregard Clayton,
Mississippi riverboat gambler.
453
00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:14,887
The fastest
shuffle in the South.
454
00:18:14,911 --> 00:18:16,221
Who is he?
455
00:18:16,245 --> 00:18:18,095
You is he. Me is he?
456
00:18:19,148 --> 00:18:20,742
Captain, if you
go into that game,
457
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:22,744
make him believe you're
Beauregard Clayton,
458
00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:25,113
and you do what Henry
says, you're gonna win.
459
00:18:25,137 --> 00:18:26,215
Oh, no.
460
00:18:26,239 --> 00:18:27,683
Oh, no. I can't
do that, corporal.
461
00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:30,052
I'm not Beauregard Clayton,
I'm Wilton Parmenter.
462
00:18:30,076 --> 00:18:32,071
Military governor
of this territory.
463
00:18:32,095 --> 00:18:33,905
You're also the old man, sir.
464
00:18:33,929 --> 00:18:35,974
Captain of F Troop who'd
do anything for his men.
465
00:18:35,998 --> 00:18:37,676
You don't wanna see
your brave soldiers
466
00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:38,843
go without their pensions?
467
00:18:38,867 --> 00:18:40,079
Oh, no, of course not, but...
468
00:18:40,103 --> 00:18:41,880
And what of the sergeant, sir?
469
00:18:41,904 --> 00:18:44,149
He was so sure he could
double the money for the troop.
470
00:18:44,173 --> 00:18:45,450
You know how big his heart is.
471
00:18:45,474 --> 00:18:47,319
Oh, gambling with their money.
472
00:18:47,343 --> 00:18:48,620
A mistake, sir, I agree.
473
00:18:48,644 --> 00:18:50,139
But we all had faith in him.
474
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:51,361
To a man...
475
00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:55,477
Well, now that
you put it that way...
476
00:18:58,705 --> 00:19:00,165
What's that?
477
00:19:00,189 --> 00:19:01,584
That's my talk-a-box.
478
00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:04,803
It's working again.
Isn't that interesting?
479
00:19:04,827 --> 00:19:06,771
Talk-a-box? Yes.
480
00:19:06,795 --> 00:19:08,440
See it's connected
up to the saloon.
481
00:19:08,464 --> 00:19:11,943
We can hear what they're
saying, but they don't know it.
482
00:19:11,967 --> 00:19:14,012
Now, O'Rourke will be
back here at the table
483
00:19:14,036 --> 00:19:15,180
in just a few minutes.
484
00:19:15,204 --> 00:19:17,132
You got the new signals, right?
485
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:18,367
Yeah, Dan.
486
00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:21,103
If O'Rourke's got two of a kind,
487
00:19:21,127 --> 00:19:22,788
I have the waiter
bring two beers.
488
00:19:22,812 --> 00:19:26,358
Three of a kind, three beers.
489
00:19:26,382 --> 00:19:29,628
Anything higher than that,
he comes with a full tray.
490
00:19:29,652 --> 00:19:32,198
The crook! No
wonder we're losing.
491
00:19:32,222 --> 00:19:33,565
That's cheating.
492
00:19:33,589 --> 00:19:38,037
Let's go get 'em, captain.
I mean, Beauregard.
493
00:19:38,061 --> 00:19:42,191
Yes, corporal,
Beauregard Clayton it is.
494
00:19:42,215 --> 00:19:43,592
Out of my way!
495
00:19:43,616 --> 00:19:46,195
I say, out of my way, here.
496
00:19:46,219 --> 00:19:48,219
If you please, sir.
497
00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:51,555
Make way, here!
498
00:19:53,226 --> 00:19:55,937
I hear there's some
action going on here.
499
00:19:55,961 --> 00:20:00,175
Beauregard Clayton's the
name, poker's my game.
500
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,644
Beauregard Clayton,
richest man in the South.
501
00:20:02,668 --> 00:20:05,147
Biggest gambler this
side the Mississippi.
502
00:20:05,171 --> 00:20:07,082
Move over, boy,
I'll play that hand.
503
00:20:07,106 --> 00:20:11,420
Well, oh, yes, sir, capt...
I mean, uh, Mr. Clayton.
504
00:20:11,444 --> 00:20:14,823
Sorry, I don't have much
of a stake here for ya.
505
00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:16,992
It's all right,
boy, it's all right.
506
00:20:17,016 --> 00:20:18,994
There's plenty of chips
here for everybody.
507
00:20:19,018 --> 00:20:22,231
Shall we raise the
limit, Mr. Clayton?
508
00:20:22,255 --> 00:20:24,066
Most certainly, sir.
509
00:20:24,090 --> 00:20:27,937
Beauregard Clayton plays
high, the limit's the sky.
510
00:20:27,961 --> 00:20:30,922
How about $10 ante,
and jacks are betted open?
511
00:20:30,946 --> 00:20:34,582
That, sir, is purely
music to my ears.
512
00:20:48,297 --> 00:20:51,782
I believe I'll just bet
all these to open.
513
00:21:04,663 --> 00:21:07,131
And I'll trouble you
for one card, sir.
514
00:21:14,173 --> 00:21:17,641
I'll say, uh, $250.
515
00:21:19,579 --> 00:21:21,823
Is that any good?
516
00:21:21,847 --> 00:21:23,492
Are you questioning me, sir?
517
00:21:23,516 --> 00:21:25,160
Perhaps you didn't
catch my name.
518
00:21:25,184 --> 00:21:28,419
I'll throw it again.
Beauregard Clayton, sir.
519
00:21:33,609 --> 00:21:35,442
Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
520
00:21:38,197 --> 00:21:40,275
Well, are you gonna
cover my bet, sir?
521
00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:43,417
All right. All right, all right.
522
00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:46,637
I got a straight.
523
00:21:48,674 --> 00:21:50,552
Oh, my.
524
00:21:50,576 --> 00:21:55,529
And all I got is two,
three, four, five, jack.
525
00:21:56,648 --> 00:21:59,694
But... they are all
the same color, sir.
526
00:21:59,718 --> 00:22:00,762
That's a flush.
527
00:22:00,786 --> 00:22:02,666
I believe that beats a straight.
528
00:22:11,964 --> 00:22:13,708
Well, have you had enough, sir,
529
00:22:13,732 --> 00:22:16,945
or shall we now play for
your horse and your cane?
530
00:22:16,969 --> 00:22:18,029
I could use an extra cane.
531
00:22:19,321 --> 00:22:21,149
That does it. I'm through.
532
00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:22,868
May I assist you, sir?
533
00:22:22,892 --> 00:22:25,037
Dapper Dan, here's a
little traveling money,
534
00:22:25,061 --> 00:22:26,938
so you may leave this fair city.
535
00:22:26,962 --> 00:22:28,406
Beauregard Clayton
536
00:22:28,430 --> 00:22:30,864
don't like to see no sore
losers hanging around.
537
00:22:37,372 --> 00:22:39,417
Ah, Captain, you were terrific!
538
00:22:39,441 --> 00:22:41,553
We got our pension
fund back and a lot more.
539
00:22:41,577 --> 00:22:43,388
Well, I told ya.
540
00:22:43,412 --> 00:22:45,957
Clayton's my name,
and poker's my game.
541
00:22:45,981 --> 00:22:48,501
Parmenter's your name,
and kissing's your game.
542
00:22:57,060 --> 00:22:58,137
Well, there she is.
543
00:22:58,161 --> 00:22:59,804
I certainly wanna
thank all you folks.
544
00:22:59,828 --> 00:23:01,340
It was certainly
very kind of you
545
00:23:01,364 --> 00:23:04,209
to invest all your winnings
in my new invention.
546
00:23:04,233 --> 00:23:05,644
Why, you don't have to thank us,
547
00:23:05,668 --> 00:23:07,279
after all, look
what you did for us.
548
00:23:07,303 --> 00:23:09,081
We know a genius
when we see one.
549
00:23:09,105 --> 00:23:10,715
Ah, the sarge always knows.
550
00:23:10,739 --> 00:23:12,551
We'll get our money
back 10 times over.
551
00:23:12,575 --> 00:23:14,619
That's right, Henry.
It's a wonderful idea.
552
00:23:14,643 --> 00:23:17,060
Just think, sergeant. No horses.
553
00:23:20,900 --> 00:23:24,279
Here we go. Here she is.
554
00:23:24,303 --> 00:23:25,647
Beauty, eh?
555
00:23:25,671 --> 00:23:27,882
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
556
00:23:27,906 --> 00:23:29,284
But you know what, my talk-a-box
557
00:23:29,308 --> 00:23:31,453
and my hear-a-box
are a little bit of...
558
00:23:31,477 --> 00:23:33,188
Well, now, don't
worry about that junk.
559
00:23:33,212 --> 00:23:34,789
This wagon mobile
is more practical.
560
00:23:34,813 --> 00:23:36,224
We'll make a fortune. Right.
561
00:23:36,248 --> 00:23:38,593
Just think, from here to Dodge
in a matter of a few hours.
562
00:23:38,617 --> 00:23:40,895
Yeah, think about that.
Put the luggage in right here.
563
00:23:40,919 --> 00:23:42,130
There we go.
564
00:23:42,154 --> 00:23:43,966
Don't forget to wire
us when you get there.
565
00:23:43,990 --> 00:23:45,567
We'll be waiting
for the good news.
566
00:23:45,591 --> 00:23:48,670
I wish I had got some
new luggage... Ah!
567
00:23:48,694 --> 00:23:50,672
So long, you guys.
568
00:23:50,696 --> 00:23:52,441
All set? All set.
569
00:23:52,465 --> 00:23:54,025
Hey.
570
00:23:54,049 --> 00:23:55,894
All right, come on. All
you guys out of here.
571
00:23:55,918 --> 00:23:57,029
Come on now, move back.
572
00:23:57,053 --> 00:23:58,129
That's right.
573
00:23:58,153 --> 00:23:59,197
Give him some room there.
574
00:23:59,221 --> 00:24:00,532
All set.
575
00:24:00,556 --> 00:24:02,267
That way to Dodge City.
576
00:24:02,291 --> 00:24:04,920
Hang on. So long.
577
00:24:33,339 --> 00:24:35,917
Well, sarge...
578
00:24:35,941 --> 00:24:38,608
looks like we're back
in the blanket business.
579
00:24:40,580 --> 00:24:43,191
Hup! Hup!
580
00:24:43,215 --> 00:24:44,615
There we go.
40148
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