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1
00:00:03,562 --> 00:00:06,139
Well, this is gonna be
a sucky weekend.
2
00:00:06,361 --> 00:00:10,697
Try spending it with an 11 -year-old
who does nothing but complain.
3
00:00:11,248 --> 00:00:13,078
You mean me?
4
00:00:13,254 --> 00:00:16,462
Boy, no wonder they got to
write your name in your underwear.
5
00:00:17,765 --> 00:00:20,058
What am I supposed to do?
6
00:00:20,230 --> 00:00:22,440
- Watch TV.
- There's nothing on.
7
00:00:22,611 --> 00:00:24,821
- Play a video game.
- I've played them all.
8
00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:26,953
- Read a book.
- Yeah, right.
9
00:00:27,123 --> 00:00:28,869
Who's the moron now?
10
00:00:30,339 --> 00:00:33,714
Okay. Here's a rainy day activity.
11
00:00:33,890 --> 00:00:37,099
There are 12 college basketball games on
this weekend.
12
00:00:37,274 --> 00:00:39,400
Dial this number, and ask for Coop.
13
00:00:39,613 --> 00:00:43,617
Tell him you're calling for Mr. Bojingles
and write down everything he tells you.
14
00:00:43,833 --> 00:00:45,662
Do I get to make
some picks this time?
15
00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,969
- You got money?
- Lf you pay me what you owe me.
16
00:00:49,180 --> 00:00:52,269
Well, you're getting an education here.
That's priceless.
17
00:00:53,858 --> 00:00:57,114
- What's going on?
- Just talking about picking colleges.
18
00:00:57,326 --> 00:00:59,785
- I like Duke.
- Over Wake Forest?
19
00:00:59,999 --> 00:01:01,710
Got a hunch.
20
00:01:02,548 --> 00:01:04,424
You've got him thinking about college?
21
00:01:04,636 --> 00:01:08,307
You're welcome.
So how'd it go at the doctor?
22
00:01:09,231 --> 00:01:11,227
Sit down,
I have to tell you something.
23
00:01:11,404 --> 00:01:12,984
What?
24
00:01:15,706 --> 00:01:17,619
The doctor wants me
to have a procedure.
25
00:01:18,171 --> 00:01:20,297
- What kind of procedure?
- He says I'm fine...
26
00:01:20,469 --> 00:01:23,677
...and it's routine,
but I'm really freaked out about it.
27
00:01:23,894 --> 00:01:25,474
What procedure?
28
00:01:26,108 --> 00:01:27,605
A colonoscopy.
29
00:01:27,821 --> 00:01:30,530
Oh, jeez, Alan, that's no big deal.
30
00:01:30,703 --> 00:01:33,495
They're just gonna shove
a camera up your ass.
31
00:01:35,382 --> 00:01:38,304
Okay, in all future references
to this procedure...
32
00:01:38,474 --> 00:01:43,357
...can we please use
the word "glide" or "slide"...
33
00:01:43,528 --> 00:01:45,857
...as opposed to "shove."
34
00:01:46,076 --> 00:01:48,999
Don't sweat it. Every guy eventually
has to get one of those.
35
00:01:49,168 --> 00:01:51,877
- It's strictly a fact-finding mission.
- You've had one?
36
00:01:52,092 --> 00:01:53,470
No, you crazy?
37
00:01:53,638 --> 00:01:56,976
But I hear there's nothing
to worry about. It's a tiny little camera.
38
00:01:57,147 --> 00:01:59,903
In the old days, they'd send
a sketch artist up there.
39
00:02:01,993 --> 00:02:03,787
Besides, you're unconscious.
40
00:02:03,998 --> 00:02:07,836
That's what I'm worried about.
I'll be in a very vulnerable position.
41
00:02:08,008 --> 00:02:11,513
- They could do anything.
- Alan, it's not a pirate ship.
42
00:02:12,979 --> 00:02:15,355
Just relax.
It'll be over before you know it.
43
00:02:15,527 --> 00:02:18,652
Yeah. I'll bet that's what they say
on pirate ships.
44
00:02:51,328 --> 00:02:52,789
- Damn it.
- What?
45
00:02:52,957 --> 00:02:54,537
The sink's stopped up again.
46
00:02:54,712 --> 00:02:58,086
That kid doesn't know the difference
between the garbage and the drain.
47
00:02:58,764 --> 00:03:01,604
- What do you want? He's 11.
- That's no excuse.
48
00:03:01,772 --> 00:03:05,526
If he can't tell which hole is which
at his age, he's headed for trouble.
49
00:03:27,421 --> 00:03:29,167
How about that?
50
00:03:29,761 --> 00:03:32,220
Oh, God, I had the worst nightmares.
51
00:03:32,392 --> 00:03:34,055
Pirate ships?
52
00:03:34,231 --> 00:03:36,060
Full-service gas stations.
53
00:03:36,862 --> 00:03:38,573
I fail to see the connection.
54
00:03:39,076 --> 00:03:42,700
Cold steel nozzles
going into openings.
55
00:03:44,131 --> 00:03:46,376
Dipsticks being pulled out.
56
00:03:48,016 --> 00:03:49,643
Do I have to draw you a picture?
57
00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:51,519
You know what?
58
00:03:51,692 --> 00:03:53,985
You need to get your mind off
this colonoscopy.
59
00:03:54,199 --> 00:03:57,573
Come on! Get in there, you sucker!
60
00:04:04,893 --> 00:04:07,185
Easy for you to say.
61
00:04:07,859 --> 00:04:09,189
How about this?
62
00:04:09,363 --> 00:04:12,488
How about we hop in the car
and go to Vegas for a couple of days?
63
00:04:12,997 --> 00:04:14,542
Just like that? What about Jake?
64
00:04:14,752 --> 00:04:16,997
Oh, yeah, Jake.
65
00:04:17,175 --> 00:04:20,513
Okay, how about this, we get him
a fake mustache and a hat...
66
00:04:20,684 --> 00:04:23,179
...and tell everybody his mother
was a heavy smoker.
67
00:04:24,235 --> 00:04:26,361
- I don't think so.
- We can still bring him...
68
00:04:26,532 --> 00:04:29,372
...come on, it's the perfect solution.
The kid's bored...
69
00:04:29,540 --> 00:04:32,331
...and you're all puckered up
over this colonoscopy thing.
70
00:04:32,548 --> 00:04:36,884
It just won't go in.
71
00:04:40,109 --> 00:04:42,984
- Well, it is a three-day weekend.
- Exactly.
72
00:04:43,158 --> 00:04:47,032
And I got 2 grand in my pocket that's
itching to turn into $ 12 and a hangover.
73
00:04:47,962 --> 00:04:50,457
Come on, we can be there
in like four hours.
74
00:04:50,636 --> 00:04:53,047
Unless you drive,
in which case I'm not going.
75
00:04:53,268 --> 00:04:54,895
Perfect, now I can't get it out.
76
00:04:58,155 --> 00:05:00,282
You know what? Why not?
One way or another...
77
00:05:00,453 --> 00:05:03,412
...I'm gonna get reamed.
I might as well enjoy a free buffet.
78
00:05:03,628 --> 00:05:06,503
Great. Go grab a toothbrush
and we'll hit the road.
79
00:05:13,821 --> 00:05:15,817
Pinky? Berta.
80
00:05:15,993 --> 00:05:20,211
Order a keg and call the gang,
I got the house until Tuesday.
81
00:05:20,714 --> 00:05:22,294
Okay, we're gonna need two rooms.
82
00:05:22,468 --> 00:05:24,380
One for Alan Harper and son...
83
00:05:24,557 --> 00:05:28,643
...and one for Charlie Harper and
a cocktail waitress to be named later.
84
00:05:30,322 --> 00:05:32,068
No, I don't want connecting rooms.
85
00:05:32,243 --> 00:05:34,323
Weren't you listening?
86
00:05:34,541 --> 00:05:37,332
In fact, put mine on a different floor.
87
00:05:37,549 --> 00:05:39,509
Come on, let's go.
88
00:05:39,721 --> 00:05:42,263
Now, what's playing
in your showroom?
89
00:05:42,436 --> 00:05:45,395
Nude Legends on Ice. Sweet.
90
00:05:45,611 --> 00:05:47,690
Okay, this may
sound like a dumb question...
91
00:05:47,867 --> 00:05:49,946
...but is it a family show?
92
00:05:52,003 --> 00:05:55,211
Well, what if the kid had a mustache?
93
00:05:56,514 --> 00:06:00,352
All right. He'll just have to stay in
the room and watch scrambled porn.
94
00:06:03,073 --> 00:06:06,364
- You could help me, you know.
- No, you're doing okay.
95
00:06:08,044 --> 00:06:11,133
- Where's your clean underwear?
- I'm wearing it.
96
00:06:11,804 --> 00:06:14,975
- That's all you brought for the weekend?
- It's only three days.
97
00:06:15,605 --> 00:06:17,565
All right, we'll pick some up there.
98
00:06:17,777 --> 00:06:20,153
They'd last five days
if I turn them inside out.
99
00:06:24,712 --> 00:06:26,375
What's going on? Aren't you ready?
100
00:06:26,550 --> 00:06:29,092
- I'm packing Jake.
- For what, college?
101
00:06:30,519 --> 00:06:32,811
- What the hell's this?
- So he can go swimming.
102
00:06:33,025 --> 00:06:36,530
- Where?
- They have pools in Vegas, Charlie.
103
00:06:37,453 --> 00:06:41,077
Why don't you bring a frying pan,
they got kitchens too.
104
00:06:41,296 --> 00:06:44,671
- Let's see. Sport jacket.
- He doesn't need a sport jacket.
105
00:06:44,847 --> 00:06:46,808
What if we take him someplace nice?
106
00:06:46,978 --> 00:06:48,474
Take him someplace nice?
107
00:06:48,691 --> 00:06:51,862
Alan, if I wanna throw away money,
I'll play keno.
108
00:06:52,492 --> 00:06:55,034
- Can I gamble in Vegas?
- No.
109
00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:57,827
- Why am I going?
- Because all the kennels are full.
110
00:07:00,304 --> 00:07:02,014
Now, come on. Let's go.
111
00:07:02,184 --> 00:07:06,104
- Charlie, I haven't packed myself yet.
- What've you been doing?
112
00:07:06,319 --> 00:07:07,899
I changed the phone message...
113
00:07:08,074 --> 00:07:11,531
...to tell people we'd be out of town,
I put together a first aid kit...
114
00:07:11,708 --> 00:07:15,463
...I turned the fridge thermostat down,
because it doesn't have to be cold...
115
00:07:15,677 --> 00:07:18,254
...I called the paper
and stopped delivery...
116
00:07:18,434 --> 00:07:20,346
...and I erased an old Mad Libs book...
117
00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:23,100
...so we'd have something
to entertain us in the car.
118
00:07:24,324 --> 00:07:25,571
- Mad Libs, huh?
- Yeah.
119
00:07:25,744 --> 00:07:27,206
Let me see that.
120
00:07:27,374 --> 00:07:30,213
Go get packed!
121
00:07:34,851 --> 00:07:36,562
Wait until you see Vegas, Jake.
122
00:07:36,731 --> 00:07:40,949
There's action everywhere you look,
24 hours a day, seven days a week.
123
00:07:41,159 --> 00:07:42,656
How does that help me?
124
00:07:42,830 --> 00:07:45,836
I can't gamble,
and I have to be in bed at 9:30.
125
00:07:46,005 --> 00:07:48,797
Hey, when we go to Disneyland
do I complain that I hate...
126
00:07:48,971 --> 00:07:53,022
...every aspect of the entire experience?
- Yeah.
127
00:07:55,780 --> 00:07:58,240
Well, then you know how irritating it is.
128
00:07:59,832 --> 00:08:01,745
- Blackjack.
- That's it?
129
00:08:01,963 --> 00:08:03,709
Yep. You owe me another dollar.
130
00:08:04,929 --> 00:08:07,055
- This stinks.
- You wanna quit?
131
00:08:07,268 --> 00:08:09,098
Just deal the cards.
132
00:08:09,315 --> 00:08:11,989
Attaboy.
133
00:08:12,699 --> 00:08:14,493
Uncle Charlie, what's a colonoscopy?
134
00:08:15,581 --> 00:08:18,290
- Didn't your dad tell you?
- He said it was just a test...
135
00:08:18,464 --> 00:08:20,756
...and it was no big deal,
so I looked it up.
136
00:08:21,346 --> 00:08:24,803
- And?
- I don't believe it.
137
00:08:25,398 --> 00:08:27,478
Believe it.
138
00:08:27,988 --> 00:08:31,197
Wouldn't it be easier to go in
the other way?
139
00:08:33,377 --> 00:08:36,716
- You'd think, but no.
- Why do they have to do it?
140
00:08:36,928 --> 00:08:41,182
- They just wanna see what's going on.
- Did Dad lose something?
141
00:08:43,361 --> 00:08:47,912
Because when I swallowed 35 cents,
we just waited for it to come out.
142
00:08:48,750 --> 00:08:52,837
- No kidding.
- Yeah, but I only got 30 cents back.
143
00:08:54,557 --> 00:08:56,886
Well, the house always takes a cut.
144
00:08:59,695 --> 00:09:02,404
- What're you gonna do?
- Hit me.
145
00:09:02,619 --> 00:09:04,781
Okay, okay.
In Vegas, you don't say, "Hit me."
146
00:09:04,959 --> 00:09:06,871
If you want a card, you go like this.
147
00:09:07,089 --> 00:09:08,752
Okay, fine.
148
00:09:11,893 --> 00:09:15,767
- Busted. You owe me another dollar.
- What if I didn't want another card?
149
00:09:16,321 --> 00:09:17,949
You go like this.
150
00:09:18,535 --> 00:09:20,531
That's what I meant to do.
151
00:09:22,045 --> 00:09:24,622
There's no do-overs in Vegas.
152
00:09:24,843 --> 00:09:27,136
What's the signal
to go to the bathroom?
153
00:09:27,350 --> 00:09:29,679
There is no signal,
you just get up and go.
154
00:09:29,856 --> 00:09:33,361
Unless you're on a hot streak,
in which case you sit and wet yourself.
155
00:09:33,574 --> 00:09:37,079
- You're kidding, right?
- You're wearing a $50 pair of slacks...
156
00:09:37,250 --> 00:09:39,745
...and you got $600 on the table,
do the math.
157
00:09:40,509 --> 00:09:43,848
I have to do math and pee my pants?
158
00:09:48,028 --> 00:09:49,311
Alan, are you ready yet?
159
00:09:49,532 --> 00:09:50,863
Just about.
160
00:09:51,078 --> 00:09:55,212
- And where'd I get the $600?
- You've been saying that for 20 minutes.
161
00:09:55,381 --> 00:09:58,636
- What are you doing?
- Financial planning.
162
00:10:00,226 --> 00:10:02,555
I don't wanna look, but I gotta.
163
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:07,576
In class, if we have to go the bathroom,
we do this or this.
164
00:10:07,746 --> 00:10:11,251
- Get it?
- Yeah. I got it.
165
00:10:13,385 --> 00:10:16,760
Two hundred and eighty, 280, 280.
166
00:10:16,936 --> 00:10:20,025
- What the hell are you doing?
- Hang on. Two... Oh, thanks.
167
00:10:20,195 --> 00:10:22,487
Now you made me lose count.
168
00:10:23,411 --> 00:10:26,666
Ten, 10, 10.
Twenty, 20, 20.
169
00:10:26,837 --> 00:10:29,414
Stop it, stop it.
Why are you doing this?
170
00:10:30,012 --> 00:10:33,101
- I have a system.
- Do tell.
171
00:10:33,312 --> 00:10:36,353
I divide my gambling money
into three equal piles.
172
00:10:36,570 --> 00:10:38,400
The first one is for day one.
173
00:10:38,575 --> 00:10:40,155
That I'll put in my money belt.
174
00:10:40,748 --> 00:10:43,040
You're wearing a money belt?
175
00:10:43,212 --> 00:10:44,875
Oh, good, you can't tell.
176
00:10:45,050 --> 00:10:46,761
I was afraid it made me look chunky.
177
00:10:48,559 --> 00:10:52,397
Anyway, the second pile
is for day two. I'll give that to you...
178
00:10:52,570 --> 00:10:55,909
...under no circumstances do you give
it back to me before midnight...
179
00:10:56,079 --> 00:10:58,039
...which would be
the start of day two.
180
00:10:58,251 --> 00:11:02,006
Un-freaking-believable.
What's the last pile for?
181
00:11:02,804 --> 00:11:04,551
That's the most important pile.
182
00:11:04,726 --> 00:11:09,062
That's the money I hide
in my Frye boot.
183
00:11:09,739 --> 00:11:14,373
- In your boot?
- But I pretend that I don't have it...
184
00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:17,751
...so that if disaster strikes
and I've lost piles one and two...
185
00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:22,061
...then I can pull it out,
and poof, I'm solvent again.
186
00:11:23,316 --> 00:11:25,858
- Okay. I think I understand.
- Pretty clever, huh?
187
00:11:26,073 --> 00:11:27,450
Yeah. That's a nice boot.
188
00:11:27,618 --> 00:11:29,495
- Let me see it.
- Oh, sure.
189
00:11:29,665 --> 00:11:33,040
Get dressed and let's go!
190
00:11:48,589 --> 00:11:50,419
Okay.
191
00:11:51,263 --> 00:11:54,471
- Twenty-one!
- Turn over your hole card.
192
00:11:55,900 --> 00:11:57,812
Oh, 27.
193
00:11:58,030 --> 00:12:00,525
Close, 29.
194
00:12:01,247 --> 00:12:02,827
Okay, I'm good.
195
00:12:03,419 --> 00:12:05,831
Alrighty.
196
00:12:15,032 --> 00:12:17,574
Viva Las Vegas.
197
00:12:18,583 --> 00:12:20,829
- Oh, Alan.
- What?
198
00:12:21,048 --> 00:12:23,543
We're going in a Mercedes,
not a time machine.
199
00:12:26,228 --> 00:12:27,725
Should I change?
200
00:12:28,484 --> 00:12:31,275
You should, but after all these years,
I doubt you will.
201
00:12:35,335 --> 00:12:38,959
- What's this?
- Oh, toiletries, sundries, whatnot.
202
00:12:39,136 --> 00:12:41,548
- Really.
- Yeah, you'll thank me.
203
00:12:41,726 --> 00:12:44,102
Not all hotels supply shower caps
and sewing kits.
204
00:12:46,572 --> 00:12:48,699
Get in the car. Jake, come on.
205
00:12:48,870 --> 00:12:53,040
- Hold on a second.
- Oh, for God's sake. Now what?
206
00:12:58,060 --> 00:12:59,972
Okay, let's go.
207
00:13:06,499 --> 00:13:10,337
- Well, you don't have a fever.
- I told you, he's fine. Let's go.
208
00:13:10,509 --> 00:13:13,800
Charlie, he threw up in
your umbrella stand. Did you miss that?
209
00:13:14,018 --> 00:13:16,727
So? Vegas is full of people
who throw up.
210
00:13:18,530 --> 00:13:21,405
They built that city on a sea of vomit.
211
00:13:22,122 --> 00:13:24,796
- I'm okay, I can go.
- That's the spirit.
212
00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:29,139
You wanna drive five hours with a
puking kid in the back of your Mercedes?
213
00:13:29,349 --> 00:13:32,890
He can stick his head out the window.
Let the guy behind us worry.
214
00:13:34,279 --> 00:13:36,108
- We're not going.
- Oh, come on.
215
00:13:36,284 --> 00:13:38,613
- It's probably just something he ate.
- All right.
216
00:13:38,790 --> 00:13:40,702
What have you eaten
in the last 24 hours?
217
00:13:40,879 --> 00:13:43,421
Well, let's see,
two bowls of Cocoa Puffs...
218
00:13:43,594 --> 00:13:47,598
...a couple blueberry Pop-Tarts,
bag of string cheese.
219
00:13:47,772 --> 00:13:50,528
That reminds me,
we need more string cheese.
220
00:13:50,696 --> 00:13:54,569
Then, for lunch, a Hot Pocket
and a Bagel Bite.
221
00:13:54,748 --> 00:14:00,630
Then dinner, fried chicken, mashed
potatoes and a baloney sandwich.
222
00:14:01,265 --> 00:14:02,678
Okay, it's not what he ate.
223
00:14:04,398 --> 00:14:07,523
Then, for a snack, I had a glass of Tang
and some Cheetos.
224
00:14:07,740 --> 00:14:10,235
That explains the orange vomit.
225
00:14:10,455 --> 00:14:11,916
It's probably a stomach virus.
226
00:14:12,126 --> 00:14:13,956
Oh, please. I throw up all the time.
227
00:14:14,131 --> 00:14:17,553
It's just nature's way of saying,
"Everybody out of the pool."
228
00:14:17,766 --> 00:14:20,641
- I'm putting him to bed. Come on.
- They have beds in Vegas.
229
00:14:20,815 --> 00:14:23,737
- What if he needs a doctor?
- They have doctors in Vegas.
230
00:14:23,907 --> 00:14:27,531
I bet if we looked around, we could find
a casino with a hospital theme.
231
00:14:27,750 --> 00:14:31,089
You know, Caesars Sinai
or something.
232
00:14:32,554 --> 00:14:34,348
I'll get it.
233
00:14:36,481 --> 00:14:38,275
Hello? Hey, Mom.
234
00:14:39,113 --> 00:14:41,441
Fine. Nothing.
235
00:14:41,661 --> 00:14:43,906
I threw up in Uncle Charlie's
umbrella stand...
236
00:14:44,084 --> 00:14:47,624
...and we're going to Vegas.
- No!
237
00:14:48,345 --> 00:14:50,174
What kind of a father are you?
238
00:14:50,392 --> 00:14:53,314
I am a good father.
When he threw up, I cancelled the trip.
239
00:14:53,525 --> 00:14:56,400
But you were planning to take
my 11 -year-old to Las Vegas.
240
00:14:56,992 --> 00:14:59,487
It's really a family town now.
241
00:15:00,919 --> 00:15:04,590
The mob hardly has
any influence at all anymore.
242
00:15:04,762 --> 00:15:07,222
Oh, good, Charlie. That helps.
243
00:15:07,436 --> 00:15:09,515
Were you planning on
telling me about this?
244
00:15:09,733 --> 00:15:12,193
What happens in Vegas
stays in Vegas, Mom.
245
00:15:13,952 --> 00:15:15,699
Oh, good, Jake. That helps.
246
00:15:16,918 --> 00:15:20,127
- Honey, why don't you go lie down.
- Why? I'm fine.
247
00:15:20,344 --> 00:15:22,554
Is it too late to get our bets down
with Coop?
248
00:15:22,767 --> 00:15:24,561
- What bets?
- Who's Coop?
249
00:15:24,772 --> 00:15:27,481
Go lie down. You're delirious.
250
00:15:29,785 --> 00:15:33,955
Listen, Judith, I don't think
you understand what's going on here.
251
00:15:34,171 --> 00:15:35,549
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
252
00:15:35,759 --> 00:15:37,921
- You see, this trip was my idea.
- I'm shocked.
253
00:15:38,098 --> 00:15:40,141
Let me finish.
254
00:15:40,312 --> 00:15:42,189
You see, I wanted to cheer Alan up...
255
00:15:42,401 --> 00:15:44,480
Charlie, don't. It's personal.
256
00:15:44,657 --> 00:15:46,034
She has a right to know.
257
00:15:46,620 --> 00:15:49,661
Judith, Alan got some bad news
from the doctor yesterday.
258
00:15:49,878 --> 00:15:52,171
Oh, my God, Alan. What is it?
259
00:15:52,343 --> 00:15:57,512
Well, the doctor says
I have to have a colonoscopy.
260
00:15:57,732 --> 00:16:01,272
- Are you having problems?
- No, it's just routine.
261
00:16:01,492 --> 00:16:06,161
- So?
- So I'm really nervous about it.
262
00:16:06,379 --> 00:16:07,710
That's it?
263
00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:12,014
Well, it's a long, snaky thing
with a camera.
264
00:16:12,228 --> 00:16:14,390
Oh, please. Your son was
10 pounds at birth...
265
00:16:14,567 --> 00:16:16,646
...and his head was
the same size it is now.
266
00:16:17,700 --> 00:16:19,862
That's kind of apples and oranges,
isn't it?
267
00:16:20,081 --> 00:16:22,077
- Goodbye, Alan.
- Wait, wait, wait, Judith.
268
00:16:22,254 --> 00:16:25,759
- Aren't you gonna take Jake with you?
- No, I'm not taking him. He's fine.
269
00:16:25,930 --> 00:16:29,768
Don't think I don't see what's going.
You put Jake up to telling me he's sick...
270
00:16:29,940 --> 00:16:32,649
...so you could pawn him off
while you went to Las Vegas.
271
00:16:32,864 --> 00:16:35,324
He did throw up.
Smell the umbrella stand.
272
00:16:35,538 --> 00:16:37,700
I'm not buying it.
I'll get him Monday night.
273
00:16:37,877 --> 00:16:39,873
And if I find out
you took him to Vegas...
274
00:16:40,050 --> 00:16:42,461
...you'll get a colonoscopy
from my attorney.
275
00:16:44,603 --> 00:16:47,478
I've seen your alimony checks.
276
00:16:47,652 --> 00:16:49,898
You already got one.
277
00:16:53,041 --> 00:16:54,622
So, what's the deal?
Are we going?
278
00:16:54,838 --> 00:16:57,000
- I don't think so.
- Why? I'm fine.
279
00:16:57,219 --> 00:17:00,843
- Yeah, but your mom said, "No."
- Oh, man.
280
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:03,562
Don't eat anything orange.
281
00:17:04,571 --> 00:17:07,446
- You wanna know what I think?
- Not at all.
282
00:17:07,662 --> 00:17:09,991
I think if she wanted to
keep you on a leash...
283
00:17:10,169 --> 00:17:13,923
...she shouldn't have divorced you.
- I'm not on a leash. I never was.
284
00:17:14,096 --> 00:17:15,925
You were living here
for three weeks...
285
00:17:16,101 --> 00:17:19,273
...before you were getting up
on the couch without permission.
286
00:17:19,902 --> 00:17:21,982
Can we just drop it?
It was a bad idea.
287
00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:26,204
There are no bad ideas. There's just
a lack of will to execute them.
288
00:17:27,756 --> 00:17:30,333
We're men, Alan. Single men.
289
00:17:30,555 --> 00:17:33,561
We go where we want, when we want
and how we want.
290
00:17:33,730 --> 00:17:35,642
Usually without so much toiletries...
291
00:17:35,818 --> 00:17:39,442
...but I'm trying to be flexible here.
- I explained about the toiletries.
292
00:17:39,662 --> 00:17:43,083
The point is, you can't let your ex-wife
control your behavior...
293
00:17:43,254 --> 00:17:45,928
...no matter how stupid
or self-destructive it might be.
294
00:17:46,095 --> 00:17:48,935
- Charlie, l...
- What profit a man...
295
00:17:49,144 --> 00:17:51,984
...if he escapes the iron shackles
of matrimony...
296
00:17:52,152 --> 00:17:57,617
...only to surrender to sexually frustrated
tyranny of a vengeful ex-wife?
297
00:18:01,134 --> 00:18:02,595
You know what? You're right.
298
00:18:02,763 --> 00:18:04,426
- We're men.
- Right, are you with me?
299
00:18:04,643 --> 00:18:07,268
- I'm with you.
- Grab your pack, we're going to Vegas.
300
00:18:09,196 --> 00:18:11,905
- Jake?
- Just a sec.
301
00:18:14,836 --> 00:18:17,295
It's okay. It's mostly water.
302
00:18:21,436 --> 00:18:24,691
I'm fine. Let's go. We're men.
303
00:18:24,862 --> 00:18:26,691
Nope. You're too sick.
304
00:18:26,867 --> 00:18:28,744
Some other time.
305
00:18:28,914 --> 00:18:31,373
I'm really sorry I ruined the trip,
Uncle Charlie.
306
00:18:31,587 --> 00:18:32,965
Hey, it's not your fault.
307
00:18:33,133 --> 00:18:35,045
It's your dad who won't let you go.
308
00:18:36,558 --> 00:18:39,232
- Thanks, Charlie.
- Why should he feel guilty?
309
00:18:40,068 --> 00:18:43,239
Here. Put this on Wake Forest.
310
00:18:45,248 --> 00:18:47,576
Game's over, Jake. They lost.
311
00:18:47,796 --> 00:18:51,847
- What about the spread?
- They didn't cover.
312
00:18:53,435 --> 00:18:54,766
Give me back my money.
313
00:18:57,362 --> 00:18:58,775
Get some rest.
314
00:18:58,950 --> 00:19:02,205
- I'm hungry.
- Get used to it.
315
00:19:04,756 --> 00:19:07,548
- That's some great kid.
- Yeah.
316
00:19:07,722 --> 00:19:10,644
Sick as a dog,
and all he wants is a little action.
317
00:19:10,814 --> 00:19:12,476
Well, he gets that from you.
318
00:19:12,693 --> 00:19:14,024
You think so?
319
00:19:14,197 --> 00:19:18,248
- Because I do try to be a role model.
- I know you do.
320
00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:21,250
Listen, there's no reason
you have to stick around.
321
00:19:21,424 --> 00:19:23,420
He's gonna sleep.
I can keep an eye on him.
322
00:19:23,638 --> 00:19:25,432
No, no, I couldn't go now.
323
00:19:25,643 --> 00:19:28,019
Why not? You wanted to go to Vegas.
You should go.
324
00:19:28,192 --> 00:19:31,316
You're probably gonna have a better time
without Jake and me.
325
00:19:31,534 --> 00:19:33,863
Probably? Unquestionably.
326
00:19:34,082 --> 00:19:36,244
- Then why don't you go?
- I don't know.
327
00:19:36,421 --> 00:19:39,712
It just feels somehow wrong
to abandon the kid when he's sick.
328
00:19:39,930 --> 00:19:42,390
Now you know what it feels like
to be a parent.
329
00:19:43,732 --> 00:19:45,858
How inconvenient.
330
00:19:46,907 --> 00:19:51,077
- What's that?
- It sounds like Lynyrd Skynyrd.
331
00:20:01,904 --> 00:20:03,650
Berta?
332
00:20:08,170 --> 00:20:10,166
Surprise!
333
00:20:20,869 --> 00:20:22,414
I'm gonna start the IV.
334
00:20:22,582 --> 00:20:24,625
In a few seconds,
you're gonna feel drowsy.
335
00:20:24,796 --> 00:20:28,004
No. No drowsy.
I wanna be out. Completely out.
336
00:20:28,222 --> 00:20:29,884
Don't worry, you will be.
337
00:20:30,060 --> 00:20:32,685
- Right, doctor?
- Aye.
338
00:20:32,900 --> 00:20:37,201
You won't be remembering anything,
me bucko.
339
00:20:45,266 --> 00:20:48,806
Thanks, doc. Here's the 2 grand
for your children's hospital.
340
00:20:50,362 --> 00:20:53,986
And remember, when he wakes up,
you're a gas station attendant.27477
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