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1
00:00:09,010 --> 00:00:12,013
I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time.
2
00:00:12,138 --> 00:00:13,889
Friendly faces everywhere.
3
00:00:14,015 --> 00:00:15,683
Humble folks
without temptation.
4
00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:18,602
Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind.
5
00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:20,688
Ample parking day or night.
6
00:00:20,813 --> 00:00:22,173
People spouting,
"Howdy, neighbor!"
7
00:00:22,231 --> 00:00:25,401
Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind.
8
00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,194
Timmy, Timmy, Timmy, Timmy.
9
00:00:27,319 --> 00:00:28,612
Timmy, Timmy,
liv-a-la, Timmy!
10
00:00:28,738 --> 00:00:32,533
Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine.
11
00:00:41,584 --> 00:00:43,419
Be careful with my baby!
12
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:44,420
What have we got?
13
00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:46,422
Not sure.
Looks like a possible code 56.
14
00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:48,215
Kenny... shut up, Kenny!
15
00:00:48,340 --> 00:00:49,925
You're going to be okay, baby.
16
00:00:51,510 --> 00:00:53,304
Get me 50cc of ketamine stat!
17
00:00:53,429 --> 00:00:54,805
And get something
for the kid, too.
18
00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:55,930
Is he going to be okay?
19
00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:58,476
Let the doctor do his work,
ma'am.
20
00:01:04,273 --> 00:01:06,317
Doctor! Did you find out
what's wrong with him?
21
00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:09,195
I'm afraid he's...
running out of time.
22
00:01:10,279 --> 00:01:11,614
Why?
What's wrong with him?
23
00:01:11,739 --> 00:01:14,533
It's his time...
It's running out.
24
00:01:14,658 --> 00:01:16,327
Well, what does he need?
25
00:01:16,452 --> 00:01:18,829
He needs to have more time.
26
00:01:18,954 --> 00:01:20,331
What can we do?
27
00:01:20,456 --> 00:01:23,084
Well, I suppose we could try
a time transplant.
28
00:01:23,209 --> 00:01:25,336
I'll have to call in
a specialist.
29
00:01:25,461 --> 00:01:26,837
It's going to be okay, baby.
30
00:01:26,962 --> 00:01:28,506
We're going to get you
more time.
31
00:01:28,631 --> 00:01:30,508
Kenny!
God damn you, Kenny!
32
00:01:33,969 --> 00:01:35,387
Hello, there, children.
33
00:01:35,513 --> 00:01:36,793
Chef, Cartman
is in the hospital.
34
00:01:36,889 --> 00:01:38,033
- They think he might die.
- Yeah.
35
00:01:38,057 --> 00:01:40,226
And we don't know
whether or not we should care.
36
00:01:40,351 --> 00:01:41,471
Well, what's wrong with him?
37
00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:42,937
Nobody seems to know,
but we think
38
00:01:43,062 --> 00:01:44,915
it's because he drank
Kenny's soul four weeks ago.
39
00:01:44,939 --> 00:01:46,917
Kenny's ashes were in an urn,
and Cartman drank it,
40
00:01:46,941 --> 00:01:48,651
thinking it was
chocolate-milk mix.
41
00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:51,153
Children, why didn't you tell me
about this sooner?
42
00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:53,598
Like we said, we didn't know
whether or not we should care.
43
00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:54,782
Well, you should.
44
00:01:54,907 --> 00:01:57,118
Cartman is your friend,
whether you like him or not.
45
00:01:57,243 --> 00:01:59,453
Now, come on!
We got to get to that hospital!
46
00:02:00,037 --> 00:02:01,872
He's looking
a little better today.
47
00:02:01,997 --> 00:02:04,083
Yes, but his time
is still getting weaker.
48
00:02:04,208 --> 00:02:06,252
It will give out soon
unless we do something.
49
00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:09,964
Hey, guys!
How's it going?
50
00:02:10,089 --> 00:02:10,965
Cartman?
51
00:02:11,090 --> 00:02:12,133
No, that's Kenny.
52
00:02:12,258 --> 00:02:13,898
What the hell are
you assholes doing here?
53
00:02:14,009 --> 00:02:15,094
That's Cartman.
54
00:02:15,219 --> 00:02:16,929
Oh, my God!
55
00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:19,348
Eric, how long
have you been channeling Kenny?
56
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:20,266
About a month.
57
00:02:20,391 --> 00:02:22,017
Let's not validate
his delusions.
58
00:02:22,143 --> 00:02:24,979
Kenny? Kenny, do you know
what you need to get free?
59
00:02:25,855 --> 00:02:27,106
He's gone again.
60
00:02:27,231 --> 00:02:29,567
Ms. Cartman,
we need to get Eric to a medium
61
00:02:29,692 --> 00:02:31,572
who can speak with people
who have crossed over.
62
00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:33,070
What?!
That's preposterous!
63
00:02:33,195 --> 00:02:35,281
What this child needs
is a time transplant!
64
00:02:35,406 --> 00:02:37,449
This hospital isn't gonna do
any good.
65
00:02:37,575 --> 00:02:39,095
We need to take him
to see John Edward.
66
00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:40,077
I've seen that guy.
67
00:02:40,202 --> 00:02:41,388
He has a show
where he brings people on
68
00:02:41,412 --> 00:02:42,746
and talks
to their dead relatives.
69
00:02:42,872 --> 00:02:44,957
That's right. We have to
go see him in New York.
70
00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:46,122
I warn you, Ms. Cartman...
71
00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:47,927
Your son's time could give out
at any minute.
72
00:02:48,043 --> 00:02:50,324
He needs to be kept here,
where his time can be monitored.
73
00:02:50,379 --> 00:02:51,422
What should I do?
74
00:02:51,547 --> 00:02:53,187
I'm playing roulette
with my child's life!
75
00:02:53,257 --> 00:02:55,342
Wait. "Hairspray" is showing
in New York, isn't it?
76
00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:56,760
- Let's go there.
- Good.
77
00:02:56,886 --> 00:02:58,345
You children need to come, too.
78
00:02:58,470 --> 00:03:00,514
Eric needs all the support
he can get right now.
79
00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:01,765
We're going to New York?
80
00:03:02,892 --> 00:03:05,394
Welcome aboard
flight 673 to New York.
81
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:07,664
We are happy to show you a
feature film during the flight.
82
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:09,248
In a moment,
we'll be showing a preview.
83
00:03:09,356 --> 00:03:10,774
Oh, cool!
We get to watch a movie?
84
00:03:10,900 --> 00:03:11,775
Awesome.
85
00:03:11,901 --> 00:03:14,904
Rob Schneider was an animal.
86
00:03:15,029 --> 00:03:16,947
Then he was a woman.
87
00:03:17,072 --> 00:03:19,867
And now Rob Schneider is...
88
00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:21,785
...a stapler!
89
00:03:21,911 --> 00:03:26,624
And he's about to find out
that being a stapler...
90
00:03:26,749 --> 00:03:29,627
is harder than it looks.
91
00:03:29,752 --> 00:03:32,338
Rob Schneider is...
"The Stapler."
92
00:03:32,463 --> 00:03:34,131
Rated PG-13.
93
00:03:34,256 --> 00:03:35,466
- Weak.
- Weak.
94
00:03:36,926 --> 00:03:38,636
That was Kenny laughing, not me.
95
00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:42,765
This must be the place.
96
00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:44,391
Okay, audience members.
Hi.
97
00:03:44,516 --> 00:03:46,101
Welcome to the taping
of the show.
98
00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:47,603
It's all general seating
in there.
99
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,730
Just remember,
Mr. Edward might not hear
100
00:03:49,855 --> 00:03:51,899
from the particular dead person
you want to talk to.
101
00:03:52,024 --> 00:03:53,484
So just keep an open mind.
102
00:03:53,609 --> 00:03:55,778
Don't worry, Eric. I'm sure
he'll be able to help you.
103
00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:59,156
Ladies and gentlemen,
John Edward.
104
00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:03,786
Thank you.
Thank you.
105
00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,162
All right.
Let's get started.
106
00:04:06,956 --> 00:04:09,208
It's coming from over here.
107
00:04:09,333 --> 00:04:11,335
Does the name Mike mean anything
to anybody?
108
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,630
I'm getting... I'm getting Mike.
Definitely an "M."
109
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:15,839
Maybe Matt.
110
00:04:15,965 --> 00:04:18,968
Mike. Matt.
M... Mike.
111
00:04:19,093 --> 00:04:19,969
M-Mary.
112
00:04:20,094 --> 00:04:21,428
Mary was my mother!
113
00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:23,681
Okay. Okay.
And she... she's... she died?
114
00:04:23,806 --> 00:04:25,891
Yes.
Y-Yes, she did.
115
00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:27,953
And she's telling me there's
something about the money,
116
00:04:27,977 --> 00:04:29,817
that the money is safe...
Is that making sense?
117
00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:32,147
Not really.
118
00:04:32,273 --> 00:04:34,501
It must be from somewhere else
in the audience. Money? Someone?
119
00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:36,610
- Uh, over here, please.
- We have a dead friend.
120
00:04:36,735 --> 00:04:38,779
Quiet... Quiet down, boys.
It doesn't work that way.
121
00:04:38,904 --> 00:04:39,905
Uh, okay.
122
00:04:40,030 --> 00:04:42,783
I-I'm getting someone now
whose name is J...
123
00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:44,785
T...
It's an L...
124
00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:46,537
It's an M...
It's a K...
125
00:04:46,662 --> 00:04:48,414
- Kenny!
- Kenny says hi.
126
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,793
Okay. Now I'm getting
that Kenny died.
127
00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:55,129
- We told you that.
- And this wasn't a good death.
128
00:04:55,254 --> 00:04:57,014
It was, like, a sad death.
It was, like, a...
129
00:04:57,047 --> 00:04:58,727
It was, like, a death
that made people sad.
130
00:04:58,757 --> 00:05:00,175
Does that make sense?
131
00:05:00,301 --> 00:05:01,427
Yeah.
132
00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,849
Look, uh, Mr. Edward,
can you just ask Kenny
133
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:08,910
- how we can get him out, please?
- Doesn't work that way.
134
00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:10,894
Kenny is telling me
that you were his best friends
135
00:05:10,936 --> 00:05:12,354
and he's in a safe place.
136
00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:14,023
No, no.
He's trapped in Cartman's body.
137
00:05:14,148 --> 00:05:16,025
Ooh. There's somebody with him.
Who's Kyle?
138
00:05:16,150 --> 00:05:17,150
I'm Kyle!
139
00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:19,486
Oh, right.
And did an older woman pass?
140
00:05:19,611 --> 00:05:21,322
She's asking for Kyle.
Maybe a grandma.
141
00:05:21,447 --> 00:05:23,407
Yeah! My grandma!
She's here?
142
00:05:23,532 --> 00:05:25,260
She says there was something
she asked you to do
143
00:05:25,284 --> 00:05:26,284
and you're not doing it.
144
00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:28,037
She wants you to look
for four white doves.
145
00:05:28,162 --> 00:05:29,038
Oh, my God!
146
00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:30,515
Oh, now she's sending me
a "P" word.
147
00:05:30,539 --> 00:05:32,041
Maybe it's a "B" or a "H."
148
00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:33,709
My Harry died last year!
149
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:35,085
Oh, it's coming
from over here.
150
00:05:35,210 --> 00:05:36,930
I'm getting all kinds
of voices today. Whoo!
151
00:05:37,046 --> 00:05:39,256
Hey, wait a minute, dude.
152
00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:41,050
Okay. Now, Harry.
He's telling me...
153
00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:43,886
Oh. Well, he's saying
that you two used to do things.
154
00:05:45,262 --> 00:05:47,514
And that those things
involved... stuff?
155
00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:49,433
The things did involve stuff!
Yes!
156
00:05:51,352 --> 00:05:52,895
Oh, man.
157
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:55,397
I can't believe I got fooled
by that asshole.
158
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:57,232
- He seemed better on TV?
- Yeah.
159
00:05:57,358 --> 00:05:59,068
They must edit his shows down
on television
160
00:05:59,193 --> 00:06:01,153
to only show him getting
mostly right answers.
161
00:06:01,278 --> 00:06:03,155
Grandma's watching me.
Always watching me.
162
00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:05,300
You don't believe that guy
talked to your grandma, do you?
163
00:06:05,324 --> 00:06:07,701
- Ah-ba-ba! Ah-ba-ba-ba-ba!
- Eric?
164
00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:10,454
It must be his time.
I think it's running out!
165
00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:11,579
We've got no choice.
166
00:06:11,622 --> 00:06:13,600
The only people I know now
who might be able to help Eric
167
00:06:13,624 --> 00:06:14,500
are my parents.
168
00:06:14,625 --> 00:06:16,877
We'll have to take
the next flight to Scotland.
169
00:06:19,755 --> 00:06:22,257
Okay, children. This is
your flight back to Colorado.
170
00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:24,319
Your parents are meeting you
at the airport in Denver.
171
00:06:24,343 --> 00:06:25,583
We don't get to go to Scotland?
172
00:06:25,636 --> 00:06:27,596
It's too far, and your
parents want you back home.
173
00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:29,678
Oh, well. Good luck getting
Kenny out of you, fatso.
174
00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:30,599
Thanks, asshole.
175
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:32,077
Come on.
We got to catch our plane.
176
00:06:32,101 --> 00:06:33,661
You children get
right on that plane, now!
177
00:06:33,685 --> 00:06:35,038
This is a final
boarding announcement
178
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:36,814
for flight 342 to Denver.
179
00:06:36,939 --> 00:06:37,815
That's us. Come on.
180
00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:39,316
Four white birds!
181
00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:42,111
There's four white birds!
182
00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:43,445
This is what Grandma wants!
183
00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:45,322
She wants me to attend
Jewleeard.
184
00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:47,647
Dude, you were going to see
four white birds eventually.
185
00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,868
So is it a coincidence
that Grandma did talk to me
186
00:06:49,993 --> 00:06:51,393
about me going to Jewleeard
someday?
187
00:06:51,495 --> 00:06:53,175
Yes. Now, come on.
Our plane's gonna leave.
188
00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:54,748
- I'm not going back.
- What?!
189
00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:56,792
I have to join Jewleeard
and make Grandma proud.
190
00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:59,294
- Tell my parents I'll call them.
- Kyle! No! Kyle!
191
00:06:59,420 --> 00:07:00,754
Aw, crap!
192
00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:07,177
Hey. I need to talk
to Mr. Edward, please.
193
00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:08,929
He doesn't do
private readings.
194
00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:11,241
I'm not here for a reading.
I need to ask him something.
195
00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:12,474
All right.
Come on in.
196
00:07:13,559 --> 00:07:15,978
Just wait here.
I'll go fetch him.
197
00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:19,440
Jesus Christ.
198
00:07:19,565 --> 00:07:20,565
Here he is.
199
00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:23,527
Ladies and gentlemen,
John Edward.
200
00:07:28,323 --> 00:07:29,658
Thank you.
Thank you.
201
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,326
Hey, I need to ask you
a big favor.
202
00:07:31,452 --> 00:07:32,852
You did a reading
of my best friend,
203
00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,288
and, uh,
you kind of messed him up.
204
00:07:35,664 --> 00:07:37,791
"'The John Edward Show'
is not liable for opinions
205
00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:40,544
and materials given for
entertainment purposes only."
206
00:07:41,545 --> 00:07:43,625
Look, my friend Kyle won't fly
back home to Colorado.
207
00:07:43,714 --> 00:07:45,024
All I need you to do
is talk to him
208
00:07:45,048 --> 00:07:47,402
and tell him the whole talking
to dead people isn't for real.
209
00:07:47,426 --> 00:07:48,427
Maybe it is for real.
210
00:07:48,552 --> 00:07:50,220
Right. But it's not.
It's a trick you do.
211
00:07:50,345 --> 00:07:51,785
I need you to let my friend
know that
212
00:07:51,847 --> 00:07:53,032
so he can go on with his life.
213
00:07:53,056 --> 00:07:54,325
People have the right
to be skeptical.
214
00:07:54,349 --> 00:07:55,684
I really hear voices in my head.
215
00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,269
Yes. We all hear voices
in our heads.
216
00:07:57,394 --> 00:07:58,395
It's called intuition.
217
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,498
Get over yourself and tell
my friend it's just for fun.
218
00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:01,815
What I do doesn't hurt anybody.
219
00:08:01,940 --> 00:08:04,151
I give people closure
and help them cope with life.
220
00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:05,396
No, you give them false hope
221
00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:06,880
and a belief in something
that isn't real.
222
00:08:06,904 --> 00:08:07,905
But I'm a psychic.
223
00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:09,114
No, dude.
You're a douche.
224
00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:10,240
I'm not a douche!
225
00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:12,326
What if I really believe
dead people talk to me?
226
00:08:12,451 --> 00:08:13,619
Then you're a stupid douche.
227
00:08:13,744 --> 00:08:15,579
I think I've had enough
of your bullying me.
228
00:08:15,704 --> 00:08:17,265
Get out of my house,
or I'll run upstairs,
229
00:08:17,289 --> 00:08:19,291
lock myself in my panic room,
and call the police!
230
00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:20,501
I'm 9 years old.
231
00:08:20,626 --> 00:08:23,003
I'm not talking to your friend,
and I'm not a douche!
232
00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:24,314
You better get out of my house,
233
00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:26,507
'cause I'm gonna call
the police!
234
00:08:26,632 --> 00:08:28,008
You are so a douche!
235
00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:30,236
I'm nominating you for Biggest
Douche in the Universe Award,
236
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,260
you douche!
237
00:08:42,606 --> 00:08:44,775
Son of a bitch.
238
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,075
Kenny!
Shut up, Kenny!
239
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,243
You shut up, fat-ass!
240
00:08:54,368 --> 00:08:56,537
Hang in there, sweetie.
We'll be there soon.
241
00:08:56,662 --> 00:08:58,580
Welcome aboard Scotland air.
242
00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:01,208
Our trip to Edinburgh
should take about 12 hours.
243
00:09:01,333 --> 00:09:03,210
Twelve hours?!
Jesus Christ!
244
00:09:03,335 --> 00:09:04,211
In the meantime,
245
00:09:04,336 --> 00:09:06,255
we'd like to show you
a complimentary film.
246
00:09:06,380 --> 00:09:07,506
Oh, good.
247
00:09:08,799 --> 00:09:11,885
Rob Schneider
is a Wall Street executive
248
00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:14,012
with everything going for him.
249
00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:17,641
Only problem is
he's about to become...
250
00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:19,768
...a carrot!
251
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:20,769
I'm a carrot?!
252
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:23,313
It's 24-carrot comedy.
253
00:09:23,438 --> 00:09:26,149
Rob Schneider is..."A Carrot."
254
00:09:26,275 --> 00:09:28,360
Rated PG-13.
255
00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:30,988
Oh, for the love of Christ...
I want to watch, fat boy!
256
00:09:31,113 --> 00:09:32,656
No, Kenny!
It's not funny!
257
00:09:35,492 --> 00:09:36,368
Kyle! Kyle!
258
00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:39,288
Don't try and stop me, Stan.
This is what my grandma wants.
259
00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:40,914
I went and saw
that John Edward guy.
260
00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,124
He's just a big douche.
261
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,251
He's not a douche.
He talked to my grandma.
262
00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:46,771
You can't run your life based on
what some douchy psychic said.
263
00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:48,606
They all just use a technique
called cold reading.
264
00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:49,941
They've used it
for hundreds of years
265
00:09:49,965 --> 00:09:51,776
- to make people believe them.
- Hey. Whoa, now.
266
00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,135
John Edward is for real.
267
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:54,595
- No, he's not.
- Yeah.
268
00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:58,432
My sister told me he knew our
mother's name and when she died.
269
00:09:58,557 --> 00:09:59,850
John Edward?
Oh, yeah.
270
00:09:59,975 --> 00:10:01,852
I heard he walked up
to a guy on the street
271
00:10:01,977 --> 00:10:04,097
and said his dead father
wanted to say happy birthday,
272
00:10:04,187 --> 00:10:05,606
and it was his birthday!
273
00:10:05,731 --> 00:10:08,233
Yeah, kid.
How do you explain that?
274
00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:10,360
All right. Look.
I'll show you.
275
00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:12,070
I just need a volunteer.
How about you?
276
00:10:12,195 --> 00:10:13,572
Oh! Me?
277
00:10:15,782 --> 00:10:18,243
I'm gonna pretend a dead person
is talking to me about you.
278
00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:19,202
Okay.
279
00:10:19,328 --> 00:10:20,328
Okay.
Watch, Kyle.
280
00:10:20,412 --> 00:10:21,412
It's an older man.
281
00:10:21,496 --> 00:10:23,415
- Someone very close to you.
- My father?
282
00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:25,834
Does this month, November,
hold a special significance?
283
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,919
My birthday's in November!
284
00:10:28,045 --> 00:10:30,255
Right. Because he's saying,
"Tell her happy birthday."
285
00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:31,673
- Oh, my God!
- See, Kyle?
286
00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:32,942
I started with something
really vague.
287
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,319
I chose "older man"
because I'm betting that,
288
00:10:34,343 --> 00:10:36,404
based on this woman's age,
her father is most likely dead.
289
00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:37,572
But if her father wasn't dead,
290
00:10:37,596 --> 00:10:39,240
I could still say
it was some other older man.
291
00:10:39,264 --> 00:10:41,433
But how'd you know her birthday
was in November?
292
00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:43,620
I didn't. I just asked her
if November meant anything.
293
00:10:43,644 --> 00:10:45,121
Her father could have died
in November,
294
00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:46,998
or Thanksgiving could've been
really special for them.
295
00:10:47,022 --> 00:10:49,342
But I go with the birthday
and validate it now as if I knew
296
00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:51,318
by saying, "He wishes you
a happy birthday."
297
00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:52,986
What else does he say?
298
00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:54,571
Okay.
I'll just use an old standard.
299
00:10:54,696 --> 00:10:56,948
He's saying, "The money.
Stop worrying about the money."
300
00:10:57,074 --> 00:10:58,450
Oh, my God!
301
00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:01,119
My sister and I have been
fighting over his inheritance!
302
00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:02,621
- That's amazing.
- No, it isn't.
303
00:11:02,746 --> 00:11:04,786
When a father dies,
inheritance is usually an issue.
304
00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,631
And money is something
everyone worries about.
305
00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:08,710
That sounds a little
too coincidental.
306
00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:10,629
Yes.
There's only one explanation.
307
00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:12,631
This kid can communicate
with the dead!
308
00:11:13,757 --> 00:11:15,109
- What?!
- I want to talk to my mother.
309
00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:16,319
Can you try to reach
my grandfather?
310
00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:16,968
No. Wait!
311
00:11:17,094 --> 00:11:19,197
You have to tell me if my sister
is in a good place, okay?
312
00:11:19,221 --> 00:11:20,365
- Yeah, help me out, too!
- I'm next!
313
00:11:20,389 --> 00:11:21,616
- Hey! Get out of my way!
- Here. D-Do me!
314
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:24,601
Kid, how would you like your own
talking-to-the-dead show?
315
00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:34,777
Hi, Pop!
316
00:11:34,820 --> 00:11:37,572
Junior! Aw, son,
it's good to see you, now.
317
00:11:37,698 --> 00:11:39,324
These are my friends...
The Cartmans.
318
00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:41,493
Well, come on in
out of the cold, now!
319
00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:43,829
There's heavy fog
on the moors tonight.
320
00:11:43,954 --> 00:11:45,997
Well, look what the cat
dragged in, Nelly!
321
00:11:46,123 --> 00:11:47,666
Oh, my baby come home!
322
00:11:47,791 --> 00:11:48,791
Hi, Mama!
323
00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:51,128
Lord, I thought you
wasn't coming till 9:00.
324
00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:53,338
Mom, this is my friend
Ms. Cartman.
325
00:11:53,463 --> 00:11:54,798
Please call me Liane.
326
00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,967
So nice to have you here, Liane.
327
00:11:57,092 --> 00:11:59,010
And is this the children
you told us about?
328
00:11:59,136 --> 00:12:00,429
Yeah, Pop.
This is Eric.
329
00:12:00,554 --> 00:12:02,347
Well, let's see here.
330
00:12:06,184 --> 00:12:08,645
Yep. There is definitely more
than one children in there.
331
00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:09,646
Oh, dear.
332
00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:11,314
Nelly, you best have at it, now.
333
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:14,651
Oh, Lord, and I just put
the roast in the oven, too.
334
00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:17,112
Ain't gonna have no time now
to baste it.
335
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,363
Don't nobody blame me.
336
00:12:18,488 --> 00:12:19,906
Woman can't baste no roast
337
00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:22,200
and do everything else
at the same time.
338
00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:24,327
I ain't saying the roast
is gonna be terrible.
339
00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:25,954
Maybe just a little dry.
340
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,290
But I suppose we can make
some extra gravy
341
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,208
to take the dryness out later.
342
00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:32,794
All right, children.
Stand up on this chair, now.
343
00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:35,255
- Right now?
- Yes, right now.
344
00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:37,549
La-kah-ma!
Ka-ras-beh-ma!
345
00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:39,318
- Come on, now!
- Whoa! Whoa! Watch it, lady!
346
00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:41,302
Just stay still, Eric.
Mom knows what she's doing.
347
00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:42,471
Come out there, now!
348
00:12:42,596 --> 00:12:44,431
At a very young age,
349
00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:46,516
one young boy learned
he had a special gift.
350
00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:48,185
This is "The Other Side."
351
00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:54,232
Okay.
Listen to me.
352
00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:55,567
Listen very carefully.
353
00:12:55,692 --> 00:12:58,862
This is a trick that I am doing.
Okay? Watch.
354
00:12:58,987 --> 00:13:00,405
All I'm gonna do is say a name
355
00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:02,240
that I'm gonna pick
at random, okay?
356
00:13:02,365 --> 00:13:05,535
They want me to acknowledge Pete
or Peter.
357
00:13:05,660 --> 00:13:07,037
Yes! Yes! My Peter!
358
00:13:09,331 --> 00:13:10,373
No!
Stop clapping!
359
00:13:10,499 --> 00:13:11,779
All I did was pick a random name
360
00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:14,061
and wait for somebody in
the audience to give a response.
361
00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:16,421
Now that I see that there is
a lone woman crying,
362
00:13:16,546 --> 00:13:18,423
my instinct tells me
Peter was her husband.
363
00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:20,425
So I say,
"Peter was your husband?"
364
00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:23,428
Yes! Yes! Yes!
My husband, Peter!
365
00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:27,682
Stop it!
I didn't do anything!
366
00:13:27,808 --> 00:13:28,934
You knew Peter was dead!
367
00:13:29,059 --> 00:13:30,699
I didn't start by saying,
"Peter is dead."
368
00:13:30,727 --> 00:13:33,230
I started by saying, "They want
me to acknowledge Peter."
369
00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:34,749
That could've meant
Peter was in the audience
370
00:13:34,773 --> 00:13:36,292
or Peter was somebody's friend
or Peter had died.
371
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:37,609
I couldn't be wrong.
See?
372
00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:40,004
Now, I can look at this woman
and that she's fairly young.
373
00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:42,155
So odds are her husband was
fairly young when he died.
374
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:43,657
So I can say something like,
375
00:13:43,782 --> 00:13:45,992
"I'm getting that Peter's death
was very untimely."
376
00:13:46,117 --> 00:13:47,494
Yes, it was.
377
00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:49,496
- Oh!
- Amazing!
378
00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:51,873
Ask Peter if he knows
my little Billy!
379
00:13:52,958 --> 00:13:55,001
Okay.
Let's back up.
380
00:13:57,212 --> 00:13:58,755
Not literally!
381
00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:00,799
Lord, come out!
Come out, spirit, now!
382
00:14:00,924 --> 00:14:01,716
Come on, now!
383
00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:03,760
In the name of all that is holy,
384
00:14:03,885 --> 00:14:06,263
we demand this spirit
be set free!
385
00:14:08,598 --> 00:14:10,892
There we go.
We're getting something, now.
386
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,769
Come on out, spirit soul!
387
00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:15,105
Come on out, now!
It's safe!
388
00:14:16,398 --> 00:14:19,150
Here it comes!
The spirit is coming out now.
389
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,738
That's the potatoes.
390
00:14:26,324 --> 00:14:28,785
Well, hold on the potatoes
two seconds, woman!
391
00:14:28,910 --> 00:14:30,287
The soul's coming out now.
392
00:14:30,412 --> 00:14:32,998
Aah-ga-ga!
Aah-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga!
393
00:14:33,123 --> 00:14:33,915
It's almost out.
394
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:37,544
All right, son.
Now bring me the victim child.
395
00:14:37,669 --> 00:14:39,546
- The victim child?
- Yeah!
396
00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:41,965
You know...
The child that we sacrifice
397
00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:44,467
so we could put Kenny's soul
into its body.
398
00:14:46,636 --> 00:14:49,598
Oh, Lord. They didn't bring
a victim child.
399
00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:51,933
Where were we gonna find
a child to sacrifice?
400
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:54,269
We weren't gonna ask you
where you got it from.
401
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,438
- Raba-raba!
- God damn it!
402
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,607
The spirit's out,
and it don't have nowhere to go!
403
00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:00,942
Oh, Thomas, don't let it get
on the curtains!
404
00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:07,324
Rob Schneider derp-da-derp.
405
00:15:07,449 --> 00:15:10,410
Derp-de-derpity-derpy-derp.
406
00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:14,581
Until one day...
a-derp-a-derp-a-derp-a-derp.
407
00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:18,168
Derp-de-derp, ta-tittaly-tum!
408
00:15:18,293 --> 00:15:20,712
Oh! Whoa!
Whoa!
409
00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:25,300
From the creators of "Der"
and "Tum Ta Tittaly Tum Ta Too,".
410
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:26,927
Rob Schneider is...
411
00:15:27,052 --> 00:15:30,889
"Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley
Derpee Derpee Dumb."
412
00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:32,974
Rated PG-13.
413
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:37,436
Here.
Look, Kyle.
414
00:15:37,479 --> 00:15:39,040
I found tons of testimonials
on the Internet
415
00:15:39,064 --> 00:15:40,941
saying John Edward
has the entire studio wired
416
00:15:41,066 --> 00:15:43,127
to hear what people are talking
about before the show
417
00:15:43,151 --> 00:15:45,278
and he pays actors to be plants
in the audience.
418
00:15:45,403 --> 00:15:47,489
You're just jealous
he's a better psychic than you.
419
00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:48,614
Fine!
I give up!
420
00:15:48,657 --> 00:15:50,909
You want to stay in New York,
then go ahead!
421
00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:56,081
So, you think you can talk to
dead people better than me, huh?
422
00:15:56,206 --> 00:15:57,832
No. I don't think
either one of us can.
423
00:15:57,958 --> 00:15:59,878
They told me your show
is getting better ratings,
424
00:15:59,918 --> 00:16:01,920
that you're saying I'm a fraud
on your show.
425
00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:04,589
You better not ever call me
a liar or a fake
426
00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:07,759
or a douche again or else
I'll sue you for slander!
427
00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:09,511
I am saying this to you,
John Edward.
428
00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:11,012
You are a liar,
you are a fake,
429
00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:13,348
and you are the biggest douche
ever.
430
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,713
Everything I tell people
is positive and gives them hope.
431
00:16:15,767 --> 00:16:17,519
How does that make me a douche?!
432
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,497
The big questions in life
are tough... Why are we here?
433
00:16:19,521 --> 00:16:20,831
Where are we from?
Where are we going?
434
00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:23,024
But if people believe in asshole
douchy liars like you,
435
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:25,211
we're never gonna find the real
answer to those questions.
436
00:16:25,235 --> 00:16:26,111
You aren't just lying,
437
00:16:26,236 --> 00:16:29,197
you're slowing down the progress
of all mankind, you douche.
438
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:30,490
I'm not a douche!
439
00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:32,951
And I challenge you
to a psychic showdown!
440
00:16:33,076 --> 00:16:35,954
I'll prove to the world
that I'm psychic and you're not!
441
00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:37,122
Fine, douche!
442
00:16:37,247 --> 00:16:38,415
I'm not a douche!
443
00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:44,295
Come on! The soul's in here!
444
00:16:44,421 --> 00:16:46,464
It's panicking now!
It's going to the light!
445
00:16:46,589 --> 00:16:48,216
Unfortunately
it's the living-room light.
446
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:50,885
I'll open a window.
You try to chase it out, Thomas.
447
00:16:51,011 --> 00:16:52,887
Go on, now, soul, now!
448
00:16:53,013 --> 00:16:54,347
Here, spirit!
Come out the window!
449
00:16:54,472 --> 00:16:55,724
I'll give you three-fitty!
450
00:16:55,849 --> 00:16:58,727
Now, don't go offering the soul
no three-fitty, woman!
451
00:16:58,852 --> 00:17:00,772
- I'm just trying to persuade it.
- Well, I know!
452
00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:03,481
But you could at least start
at a buck-o-five or something.
453
00:17:03,606 --> 00:17:05,358
Aw, Christmas!
There it goes again!
454
00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:08,153
It's heading for the kitchen!
Oh, Thomas! The pot roast!
455
00:17:08,278 --> 00:17:10,947
- Over here!
- Don't let it get in the roast!
456
00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,912
Oh. Well.
457
00:17:18,038 --> 00:17:20,582
I guess the child's a pot roast
now.
458
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,250
What do we do with it now?
459
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,419
Well, I'll wrap it up
with some plastic wrap
460
00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,087
so you can take it home
with you.
461
00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:28,381
Should last a few months
in the freezer.
462
00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:29,924
Hey, I feel a lot better.
463
00:17:30,050 --> 00:17:31,259
Eric!
You're okay!
464
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,386
Oh, baby!
Your time is back!
465
00:17:34,429 --> 00:17:37,348
This child is clean.
466
00:17:37,474 --> 00:17:39,350
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's "Psychic Showdown."
467
00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:41,603
Here are John Edward
and Stan Marsh.
468
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:44,647
Thank you.
469
00:17:44,773 --> 00:17:45,815
All right, asshole.
470
00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:47,580
I know you're here
to try to throw me off.
471
00:17:47,609 --> 00:17:49,277
So go ahead...
Give me your best shot.
472
00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:50,671
No, I don't want to talk to you.
473
00:17:50,695 --> 00:17:52,447
- I want to talk to the audience.
- W-Why?
474
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:53,799
You see,
I learned something today.
475
00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:55,259
At first I thought
you were all just stupid,
476
00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:57,303
listening to this douche's
advice, but now I understand
477
00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:58,846
that you're all here
because you're scared.
478
00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:00,181
You're scared of death,
and he offers you
479
00:18:00,205 --> 00:18:01,748
some kind of understanding.
480
00:18:01,873 --> 00:18:03,350
You all want to believe in it
so much.
481
00:18:03,374 --> 00:18:04,250
I know you do.
482
00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:05,978
You find comfort in the thought
that your loved ones
483
00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:07,897
are floating around, trying to
talk to you, but think about it.
484
00:18:07,921 --> 00:18:10,298
Is that really what you want...
To just be floating around
485
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,300
after you die,
having to talk to this asshole?
486
00:18:13,802 --> 00:18:16,346
We need to recognize this stuff
for what it is... magic tricks.
487
00:18:16,471 --> 00:18:18,807
Because whatever is really
going on in life and in death
488
00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:20,683
is much more amazing
than this douche.
489
00:18:31,069 --> 00:18:32,112
You're right, Stan!
490
00:18:32,237 --> 00:18:33,613
My grandma
isn't floating around,
491
00:18:33,738 --> 00:18:35,156
judging me
and watching what I do.
492
00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:37,367
She's dead.
Dead and gone forever!
493
00:18:37,492 --> 00:18:38,368
Yeah.
494
00:18:38,493 --> 00:18:40,912
But I do have a special power!
I know I do!
495
00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:42,181
There's nothing special
about you, dude.
496
00:18:42,205 --> 00:18:44,415
- Get over yourself.
- God damn it, I'm special!
497
00:18:46,876 --> 00:18:48,586
What the...
498
00:18:59,681 --> 00:19:04,394
Greetings from the Janax galaxy.
We seek the great John Edward.
499
00:19:04,519 --> 00:19:06,646
Why, that... that's me!
500
00:19:06,771 --> 00:19:08,982
Sir, it is an honor to meet you.
501
00:19:09,107 --> 00:19:11,818
Well, thank you very much!
502
00:19:11,943 --> 00:19:12,694
No. It can't be.
503
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:14,070
I am Quagmar,
504
00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:16,948
and this is the intergalactic
BDIU Committee.
505
00:19:17,073 --> 00:19:19,617
Mr. Edward,
it is my honor to inform you
506
00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:23,371
that you have been nominated for
Biggest Douche in the Universe!
507
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,415
What?!
508
00:19:25,540 --> 00:19:28,042
You are the first nominee
from the Milky Way galaxy.
509
00:19:28,168 --> 00:19:30,378
- Congratulations.
- Oh, dude!
510
00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,547
If you'll step into
our Blavlafrede,
511
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:35,633
we'll give you a first-class
ride to the awards show.
512
00:19:35,758 --> 00:19:37,719
No! Wait!
I'm not a douche!
513
00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:40,054
I make people feel good
about themselves!
514
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:42,765
I give people resolution!
515
00:19:49,647 --> 00:19:51,191
Now do you people believe me?
516
00:19:52,483 --> 00:19:53,483
I don't know.
517
00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,653
How'd Edward know
my father died in March?
518
00:19:57,739 --> 00:19:59,741
God damn it!
That was a long flight!
519
00:19:59,866 --> 00:20:02,285
I thought we'd never get out
of stinky-ass, smelly Scotland!
520
00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:05,079
It's so good to have you acting
like yourself again, sweetie.
521
00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:07,457
Well, come on. We better get
Kenny back to his parents.
522
00:20:07,582 --> 00:20:09,834
Wait a minute.
Who's got the pot roast?
523
00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:11,937
- I thought you got it.
- It's still at baggage claim!
524
00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:14,464
Aw, damn it. Come on!
We got to find him!
525
00:20:14,589 --> 00:20:15,423
Kenny!
526
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:19,427
Rob Schneider is a somewhat
popular comedic actor
527
00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:23,223
who seemed to have it all...
until one day
528
00:20:23,348 --> 00:20:26,351
he came across a pot roast...
529
00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:29,270
...and his life changed forever.
530
00:20:29,395 --> 00:20:33,149
Now he's sharing his body
with an 8-year-old boy.
531
00:20:33,274 --> 00:20:37,570
And he's about to find out
that being 8...
532
00:20:37,695 --> 00:20:39,906
- Oh!
- ...ain't so great.
533
00:20:40,031 --> 00:20:43,409
Rob Schneider is "Kenny."
534
00:20:43,534 --> 00:20:45,870
Rated PG-13.
535
00:20:45,995 --> 00:20:49,582
Live from the space station Zyed
in the Voxlyn galaxy,
536
00:20:49,707 --> 00:20:52,585
it's the Biggest Douche
in the Universe Award!
537
00:20:54,212 --> 00:20:56,589
This year's nominees are...
538
00:20:56,714 --> 00:21:00,760
Graglar the Destructor,
Andromeda galaxy, planet J-11.
539
00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:05,765
Dormanta unit five,
Jalax galaxy, planet Heelym.
540
00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:07,767
Der-r-r-r!
541
00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:10,645
John Edward, Milky Way galaxy,
planet Earth.
542
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:13,314
I'm not a douche!
543
00:21:13,439 --> 00:21:16,276
And finally
Ursala the Giant Douche
544
00:21:16,401 --> 00:21:19,237
from the Horsehead nebula,
station J-12.
545
00:21:21,114 --> 00:21:23,741
And the winner for Biggest
Douche in the Universe is...
546
00:21:25,118 --> 00:21:28,246
It's John Edward,
Milky Way galaxy, planet Earth!
547
00:21:28,371 --> 00:21:30,623
Oh, now... Come on, now!
548
00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:32,125
Here he is.
549
00:21:32,250 --> 00:21:35,545
The biggest douche
of the universe.
550
00:21:35,670 --> 00:21:37,422
In all the galaxies.
551
00:21:37,547 --> 00:21:40,758
There's no bigger douche
than you.
552
00:21:40,883 --> 00:21:42,593
You've reached the top.
553
00:21:42,719 --> 00:21:45,596
The pinnacle of douchedom.
554
00:21:45,722 --> 00:21:47,682
Good going, douche.
555
00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:50,351
Your dreams have come true.
556
00:21:53,146 --> 00:21:55,815
A-derp-a-derp-a-derp-a-derp.
557
00:21:55,940 --> 00:21:59,944
Da-derp-dee-derp da-teetley
derpee-derpee dumb.
42208
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