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1
00:00:02,336 --> 00:00:03,420
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
2
00:00:06,798 --> 00:00:08,967
(WHISPERING) Coach and May are fighting.
We don't want to disturb them.
3
00:00:09,051 --> 00:00:10,302
They're not fighting.
4
00:00:10,385 --> 00:00:12,471
I know how to read body language. Look.
5
00:00:12,554 --> 00:00:14,765
Her arms are crossed
in a position of dominance,
6
00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:16,225
and he's playing his forehead
like a piano.
7
00:00:16,308 --> 00:00:17,518
WINSTON: Will you clowns focus?
8
00:00:17,601 --> 00:00:19,019
My waffle is in the toaster,
9
00:00:19,102 --> 00:00:21,647
and if I wait too long after it pops,
it'll get hard.
10
00:00:21,730 --> 00:00:24,191
Look, I know about relationships.
Winston can vouch for me.
11
00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:27,861
That girl, KC, just texted him,
"What's up?"
12
00:00:28,070 --> 00:00:30,864
-That riddler.
-So I had him text back an empty bubble.
13
00:00:30,948 --> 00:00:33,992
Is he thinking about her?
Or is a baby playing with the phone?
14
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,662
She don't know, but she want to know.
15
00:00:36,745 --> 00:00:38,789
-(SOFTLY) There she is. There she is.
-Oh. Hey.
16
00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:39,915
-Morning.
-Hello.
17
00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:40,999
How do?
18
00:00:41,083 --> 00:00:43,418
Hey. Oh, someone left
a waffle in the toaster. Bye, guys.
19
00:00:43,502 --> 00:00:46,255
Man, this waffle better be hot
or I am going Durst on y'all!
20
00:00:46,338 --> 00:00:48,382
Hey... Coach.
21
00:00:48,465 --> 00:00:50,801
Why, Jess, are you talking like that?
22
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,427
She thinks you and May are fighting.
23
00:00:52,511 --> 00:00:53,720
No, we're not fighting.
24
00:00:53,804 --> 00:00:54,972
(CHUCKLES)
25
00:00:55,097 --> 00:00:56,223
We did break up though.
26
00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:59,101
(GASPS) Oh, my God, I knew it.
I mean, I'm so sorry. What happened?
27
00:00:59,184 --> 00:01:03,146
May accepted a job in New York
as a section musician for the Met.
28
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:05,607
Oh, has Alan taken a liking to her?
Oh, bravo.
29
00:01:05,691 --> 00:01:07,234
Good for... You know,
I've always been a fan of his.
30
00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:10,487
When he conducted, uh,
Das Rheingold
31
00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:13,532
with the Royal Stockholm Orchestra,
it was magnificent.
32
00:01:13,615 --> 00:01:15,868
-Jar or slap?
-I don't have any cash on me.
33
00:01:17,369 --> 00:01:18,579
-Good slap.
-Are you okay?
34
00:01:18,662 --> 00:01:19,872
Do you want to talk about it?
35
00:01:19,955 --> 00:01:21,874
No, I'm good. Yeah. I'll miss her, but...
36
00:01:21,957 --> 00:01:24,251
We're still friends. We're cool. I'm cool.
37
00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:25,544
-Cool.
-NICK: All right.
38
00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:28,755
He is not good.
39
00:01:28,839 --> 00:01:32,551
Winston, get back here! We need
to powwow about May and Coach!
40
00:01:35,304 --> 00:01:36,555
Winnie's gonna need a minute.
41
00:01:44,563 --> 00:01:47,024
What are you reading? What is...
42
00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:49,401
One Woman's Journey
Up Inside Herself?
43
00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:52,446
It's really inspiring. I actually want
to be the woman in this book.
44
00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:55,115
"Finding inner strength
in a time of crises."
45
00:01:56,283 --> 00:01:57,576
Cece, are you in crises?
46
00:01:57,659 --> 00:02:00,412
I'm fine. Cece's fine.
47
00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:02,372
How are you?
How's Fawn holding up?
48
00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:05,209
If you must know, my paramour
Councilwoman Fawn Moscato
49
00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:07,002
has been so strong since the incident.
50
00:02:07,336 --> 00:02:08,587
(CROWD GASPING)
51
00:02:09,004 --> 00:02:11,006
You know,
reporters are calling it Panty-Gate.
52
00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:12,966
There's pictures of her naked lady-bottom
53
00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:15,260
all over the Internet.
Sid, put the phone away.
54
00:02:16,428 --> 00:02:19,515
You picked it up right when
I said "naked lady-bottom."
55
00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:21,767
-Please.
-You guys are good, then?
56
00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:23,727
You know, 'cause the last time we spoke,
57
00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:26,772
you said you were feeling
a little, you know, used.
58
00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:28,774
Well, not anymore. We're a team now.
59
00:02:28,941 --> 00:02:30,275
Fawn and Schmidt.
60
00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:31,360
Fawmidt.
61
00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:33,403
-Vomit?
-No, Fawmidt.
62
00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:36,281
-You're saying the word "vomit."
-No, I don't hear that, but okay.
63
00:02:36,365 --> 00:02:38,408
Fawn's holding a press
conference later today,
64
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,285
and I don't mean to toot my own shofar,
65
00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:42,079
but I'll be standing there
right by her side.
66
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:44,581
So this scandal is actually
bringing you two closer together.
67
00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,416
Team Fawmidt has never been stronger.
68
00:02:47,918 --> 00:02:50,796
I heard it there.
Wow, that sounds exactly like "vomit."
69
00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:52,130
-That's a problem.
-Mmm-hmm.
70
00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:58,136
"Roughly the same length as The Pearl."
How is that a pull quote?
71
00:02:58,887 --> 00:03:00,264
And that
72
00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:03,392
is how babies get made.
It's gross, right?
73
00:03:03,642 --> 00:03:05,018
How does the sperm find the egg?
74
00:03:05,269 --> 00:03:06,854
Propelled by its tail,
75
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:10,566
the sperm travels up the canal
until it reaches the egg.
76
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:12,484
Now, for us, it's only a couple of inches,
77
00:03:12,568 --> 00:03:15,153
but for Mr. Sperm there,
it's miles away.
78
00:03:17,281 --> 00:03:20,075
Miles and miles and miles away.
79
00:03:20,784 --> 00:03:22,244
(SIGHS)
80
00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:23,704
It's almost like...
81
00:03:25,163 --> 00:03:29,168
Why would the egg want to be
so far away from the sperm?
82
00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:31,211
You know?
Like, didn't the egg and the sperm
83
00:03:31,295 --> 00:03:32,629
have a great time together?
84
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:36,133
And then you're just gonna pack your bags
and leave and go to New York?
85
00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:38,760
To play music with some other sperm.
86
00:03:38,844 --> 00:03:41,805
You're just gonna leave?
You're gonna leave your sperm
87
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:43,849
and go play music with other sperms?
88
00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:45,767
And I'm cool with that!
I'm cool with that!
89
00:03:45,851 --> 00:03:48,896
You know, I got eggs.
I have eggs on deck!
90
00:03:49,104 --> 00:03:50,522
This sperm got swag.
All those other sperms
91
00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:53,233
ain't got swag like me.
Can any other sperm
92
00:03:53,609 --> 00:03:56,528
sport this much green and still look dope?
93
00:03:57,779 --> 00:04:00,741
No! That ain't tight! This is tight!
94
00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,285
This is tight!
95
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:06,914
(CRYING) I just want you
to come back, and I...
96
00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:12,377
I guess I chose the wrong day
to observe Health.
97
00:04:13,128 --> 00:04:14,838
COACH: (CRYING) I miss her!
98
00:04:15,547 --> 00:04:16,715
May!
99
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,801
Listen, thanks for standing
next to me up there, Ponyboy.
100
00:04:19,885 --> 00:04:22,471
I hope this show of remorse
will keep these reporters off my back.
101
00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:24,056
Oh, I know it will.
And then, you know what,
102
00:04:24,139 --> 00:04:26,433
once this is over,
maybe we get out of here for a little bit.
103
00:04:26,517 --> 00:04:28,727
-Oh.
-Lay low, rent a cabin in the woods...
104
00:04:28,810 --> 00:04:31,188
-Yeah.
-...read some poetry, have horizontal sex.
105
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,273
Okay, two of those three things
sound like fun.
106
00:04:33,357 --> 00:04:36,026
Now, here's your statement in case
you're asked any questions.
107
00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:38,403
Oh, a... I'm not gonna need a statement.
I'm a seasoned improviser.
108
00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:40,656
Hey, guys. We're the Belly Laughs.
109
00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:42,074
So I need a location.
110
00:04:42,157 --> 00:04:43,408
BOY: How 'bout fat camp?
111
00:04:43,492 --> 00:04:44,660
(LAUGHTER)
112
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:50,082
That's adorable.
But just, please, read what I wrote.
113
00:04:50,332 --> 00:04:52,417
I will. But I'm not gonna
do it until I get out there.
114
00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:53,961
You're gonna want me
in the moment for this.
115
00:04:54,044 --> 00:04:55,087
Okay.
116
00:04:57,214 --> 00:04:58,799
(REPORTERS CLAMORING)
117
00:04:58,882 --> 00:04:59,967
Good afternoon.
118
00:05:00,050 --> 00:05:04,304
Um, before I answer any of your questions,
my partner would like to read a statement.
119
00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:06,098
Honey.
120
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:09,810
I am a sick man.
121
00:05:15,232 --> 00:05:16,775
On Saturday last, Councilwoman Moscato
122
00:05:16,859 --> 00:05:19,319
was caught not wearing
underpants because I...
123
00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:22,072
I asked her not to wear them.
124
00:05:23,824 --> 00:05:25,033
Why?
125
00:05:30,372 --> 00:05:31,748
Because it turns me on.
126
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:36,461
What I did was wrong. I'm so sorry, Fawn.
127
00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,173
I'm sorry, Los Angeles.
128
00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:45,470
And I'm sorry to the man upstairs,
my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
129
00:05:50,809 --> 00:05:52,895
-Dress shirts on a Monday?
-You know how it is.
130
00:05:53,228 --> 00:05:55,981
Coach breaks up with a lady,
we take him out, and he gets loaded.
131
00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:57,566
Yeah, I know how it usually goes
132
00:05:57,774 --> 00:05:59,776
when Coach breaks up with a girl,
but May is different.
133
00:06:00,194 --> 00:06:02,196
Sometimes she comes over
and they don't even have sex.
134
00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:04,573
-I don't get that.
-Trust me, I am right about this,
135
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:07,826
just like I was right about them fighting.
I'm on, like, a streak here.
136
00:06:07,910 --> 00:06:11,413
I might just be an expert in love.
137
00:06:11,622 --> 00:06:14,166
Like a... You know,
like a love doctor, if you will.
138
00:06:14,249 --> 00:06:17,669
I will not.
You are the least qualified person
139
00:06:17,753 --> 00:06:20,672
to call themselves a doctor of love.
140
00:06:21,006 --> 00:06:22,966
Exhibit "A": you dated me.
141
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:24,426
-I rest my case.
-(CHUCKLES)
142
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:28,138
-Court is adjourned.
-Guilty as charged.
143
00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:29,264
(LAUGHS)
144
00:06:29,348 --> 00:06:30,516
Put... I would stop that.
145
00:06:30,599 --> 00:06:34,520
Case rested. Listen, I got to say
I agree with Nick on this one, Jess.
146
00:06:34,603 --> 00:06:37,356
I mean, it's been a whole day,
and KC still hasn't texted me.
147
00:06:37,439 --> 00:06:39,900
Well, that's just proof
that the bubble is working.
148
00:06:39,983 --> 00:06:42,319
Look, you guys,
Coach needs to talk to May.
149
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:44,279
Trust me. He is in pain.
150
00:06:45,447 --> 00:06:48,534
I'm happy and I'm healthy
and I'm ready to party!
151
00:06:48,617 --> 00:06:50,661
-(NICK AND WINSTON LAUGHING)
-Let's get drunk!
152
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:51,870
-(WHOOPS)
-You're wrong.
153
00:06:51,954 --> 00:06:53,372
-Coach. (CHUCKLES)
-(COACH GRUNTS)
154
00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:55,457
Do you want to talk about
what happened today or...
155
00:06:55,541 --> 00:06:57,334
Talk about what? Nah. (CHUCKLES)
156
00:06:57,417 --> 00:07:00,546
-(NICK AND WINSTON LAUGH)
-Hey, um, actually, can you do me a favor?
157
00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:02,089
May's gonna be recording later.
158
00:07:02,172 --> 00:07:03,382
She's gonna stop by
and pick up her rubber circle.
159
00:07:03,465 --> 00:07:04,675
May has a diaphragm?
160
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:07,845
No, it's the thing that you put
on the floor to stabilize the cello.
161
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,596
-Condom.
-No.
162
00:07:09,680 --> 00:07:12,808
No, it's the thing you put on the floor
to make sure the cello stays put.
163
00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:15,269
-Cello stabilizer.
-Oh, yeah. Cello stabilizer.
164
00:07:15,352 --> 00:07:18,438
Oh. Well, wouldn't you like
to be here when she comes by?
165
00:07:18,522 --> 00:07:20,440
-No, that's gonna be hella weird.
-(LAUGHTER)
166
00:07:20,524 --> 00:07:22,401
-I want to party!
-Yeah!
167
00:07:23,026 --> 00:07:24,778
-We 'bout to...
-Come on, party!
168
00:07:24,862 --> 00:07:28,907
I'm gonna do this
and gonna do this, this, this, this, this.
169
00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:30,742
(SIGHS)
170
00:07:32,369 --> 00:07:33,620
What was that speech?
171
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:36,290
I'm sorry, okay? I told you to
read the statement beforehand,
172
00:07:36,373 --> 00:07:39,626
and then you told me that terrifying story
about doing improv at a fat person's camp.
173
00:07:40,002 --> 00:07:43,463
I didn't know that the statement
was gonna blame me for Panty-Gate.
174
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:48,010
And by the way, for your information,
the Belly Laughs did not "do" improv.
175
00:07:48,510 --> 00:07:49,803
We reinvented it.
176
00:07:50,179 --> 00:07:53,473
I know you must be embarrassed,
but you saved me.
177
00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:55,350
Yeah, well, people think I'm a sicko now.
178
00:07:55,434 --> 00:07:57,269
-One of your aides spit at me.
-Was it Shallon?
179
00:07:57,352 --> 00:07:59,938
Yeah, that's a lisp,
but still, he's fired.
180
00:08:00,606 --> 00:08:03,150
Look, if you want to leave,
I completely understand.
181
00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:04,526
But the truth is...
182
00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:07,196
I can't do this without you.
183
00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:11,033
Well, now Ponyboy
is feeling very conflicted.
184
00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:13,869
Just one last photo op.
You and I having a lovely evening.
185
00:08:13,952 --> 00:08:15,579
Show the press
everything's back to normal.
186
00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:18,874
And then I promise
it'll just all be about us.
187
00:08:18,957 --> 00:08:20,417
Could we do horizontal sex?
188
00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:22,252
-Yes.
-With foreplay?
189
00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:26,673
-It's a deal-b... It's a deal-breaker.
-Uh... Yeah.
190
00:08:26,757 --> 00:08:28,592
-It's a deal-breaker. Okay.
-Fine, yes, fine, yes.
191
00:08:30,385 --> 00:08:33,388
Oh, God. No, please. Oh... Oh, God.
192
00:08:33,597 --> 00:08:35,390
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-May.
193
00:08:35,974 --> 00:08:37,142
Cece!
194
00:08:37,226 --> 00:08:38,560
So Coach and May broke up?
195
00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:40,729
Long story short,
they shouldn't have broken up,
196
00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:42,731
and I am the only person that sees this.
197
00:08:42,814 --> 00:08:47,528
I realize I'm kind of an expert in love.
A love doctor, if you will.
198
00:08:47,611 --> 00:08:48,904
Where are your crackers?
199
00:08:49,238 --> 00:08:50,322
Above the fridge.
200
00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:53,367
Cece, did they raise your tuition again?
Why are you so hungry?
201
00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:57,079
I've decided I'm going to climb
Mount Shasta.
202
00:08:57,704 --> 00:08:58,830
By yourself?
203
00:08:58,914 --> 00:09:01,416
I'm leaving for three weeks.
I want to be like the woman in the book.
204
00:09:01,500 --> 00:09:04,294
I want to go on a climbing trip
and find myself.
205
00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:11,051
Okay, um... Ceec, are you sure
you're ready for a climbing trip?
206
00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:15,222
Jess, I just... I can't sit here
and watch Schmidt with Fawn.
207
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:19,560
And I don't think
they're breaking up any time soon, so...
208
00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:22,729
Cece, they're never gonna last.
He doesn't really love her.
209
00:09:23,438 --> 00:09:24,773
Did he tell you that?
210
00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:26,608
No, but...
211
00:09:26,942 --> 00:09:29,403
As a doctor of love, I sense these things.
212
00:09:29,945 --> 00:09:31,238
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
213
00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:33,115
The Love Doctor just knows.
214
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:41,164
-May.
-Hi. Uh, I'm here for my endpin anchor.
215
00:09:41,248 --> 00:09:43,959
-Yeah.
-Ah, thank you.
216
00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:46,378
Very sorry to hear about the breakup.
217
00:09:46,545 --> 00:09:49,089
-Are you okay?
-Um, yeah. Yeah.
218
00:09:49,173 --> 00:09:51,049
I'm here to talk if you ever need to.
219
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:54,761
In hard times,
it's nice to have a friend, May.
220
00:09:54,845 --> 00:09:56,096
Thanks...
221
00:09:56,889 --> 00:09:58,015
Jess, right?
222
00:09:58,307 --> 00:10:00,017
-Yes.
-Well, uh...
223
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:01,476
I'm in the middle of a recording session.
224
00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:03,520
I got to get back to the studio, so...
See ya.
225
00:10:03,604 --> 00:10:04,897
Bye.
226
00:10:07,566 --> 00:10:10,485
Yeah, Jess, she looks
real broken up about it.
227
00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,323
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
228
00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:20,037
-I... I'm a mess.
-I know!
229
00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:22,873
(MAY CRYING)
230
00:10:23,248 --> 00:10:24,625
(WHISPERS) The doctor is in.
231
00:10:25,417 --> 00:10:27,461
-Wait, what?
-Nothing. Cry it out.
232
00:10:31,423 --> 00:10:34,301
-Mmm! Ah.
-Wow.
233
00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:36,720
I've never seen Coach go
this hard after a breakup, man.
234
00:10:36,929 --> 00:10:38,805
-You sure he's okay?
-It's good, it's good, it's good.
235
00:10:38,889 --> 00:10:41,016
You treat an outside wound
with rubbing alcohol,
236
00:10:41,099 --> 00:10:43,268
you treat an inside wound
with drinking alcohol.
237
00:10:43,352 --> 00:10:45,562
-That's science.
-I feel that, man.
238
00:10:45,646 --> 00:10:48,440
It is time to turn things up. Sidney!
239
00:10:48,690 --> 00:10:50,651
Do what you do! (CHUCKLES)
240
00:10:54,530 --> 00:10:55,864
(COUNTRY ROCK SONG PLAYING)
241
00:10:57,074 --> 00:10:58,283
Aw...
242
00:10:58,367 --> 00:10:59,743
(CHUCKLES)
243
00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:03,372
This is my jam.
244
00:11:04,915 --> 00:11:06,291
MAY: (MUFFLED) We've only been
dating for a few months.
245
00:11:06,375 --> 00:11:07,751
I just thought that...
246
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,838
That breaking up was, like,
the smart thing to do, you know?
247
00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:14,466
I know you're upset, sweetie,
but I... I can't understand
248
00:11:14,550 --> 00:11:16,927
anything you're saying
with the crackers.
249
00:11:18,095 --> 00:11:20,973
-Do you love him?
-I think I do.
250
00:11:21,223 --> 00:11:23,058
Well, then maybe moving
to New York doesn't mean
251
00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:25,102
-you have to break up.
-(MUFFLED) So you think
252
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:28,438
that I should... That I should
ask Coach to move with me?
253
00:11:28,522 --> 00:11:29,940
Okay, how about
we put down the crackers?
254
00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:34,736
I think she wants Coach
to move to New York with her.
255
00:11:34,945 --> 00:11:37,322
-Oh! Yes, yes!
-I mean...
256
00:11:37,406 --> 00:11:39,449
Yeah? You... You...
You think that he would say yeah?
257
00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:40,909
Yeah. Definitely.
258
00:11:40,993 --> 00:11:43,537
He's crazy about you.
He had a meltdown today in health class.
259
00:11:43,954 --> 00:11:46,874
Now, the kids did learn that sex
is emotionally complicated,
260
00:11:46,957 --> 00:11:48,750
so it was a good class, but trust me...
261
00:11:48,834 --> 00:11:51,628
What Jess is trying to say
here is that if you...
262
00:11:52,421 --> 00:11:54,965
If you really know
how you feel about someone,
263
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,425
you need to act now.
264
00:11:57,926 --> 00:11:58,927
Wow. (LAUGHS)
265
00:11:59,011 --> 00:12:00,387
Am I really doing this?
266
00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:03,348
Yeah, but not before we clean your face,
'cause it's caked in snot.
267
00:12:04,683 --> 00:12:06,685
WINSTON: Ooh, yeah, Coach!
268
00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:08,979
Who you think he's gonna hook up with?
269
00:12:09,062 --> 00:12:10,355
It's a tough Monday crowd. It...
270
00:12:10,439 --> 00:12:13,150
It's nearly impossible to say,
but I'm gonna go with the white bodysuit
271
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:16,195
and, uh, the leopard print leggings.
She looks smart to me.
272
00:12:16,278 --> 00:12:17,446
WINSTON: No way. No way.
273
00:12:17,529 --> 00:12:18,989
My money's on the one
with the wedding ring
274
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:21,408
whose husband is clearly
over there in the corner spying on her.
275
00:12:21,825 --> 00:12:23,160
Yeah, he's not happy about that.
276
00:12:24,286 --> 00:12:26,538
Oh, oh, ooh! Dora the Explorer
277
00:12:26,622 --> 00:12:27,748
-just entered the scene!
-(LAUGHS)
278
00:12:27,831 --> 00:12:29,875
You're tiny. I like it.
279
00:12:30,667 --> 00:12:32,169
NICK: There she... Oh! For the kiss!
280
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:35,130
-Oh!
-The winner. The winner.
281
00:12:35,631 --> 00:12:36,840
What the hell?
282
00:12:36,924 --> 00:12:38,091
Oh. May's here. Coach!
283
00:12:38,175 --> 00:12:40,511
(BOTH GRUNTING, GROWLING)
284
00:12:40,594 --> 00:12:41,929
(NICK AND WINSTON WHISTLING, GRUNTING)
285
00:12:42,012 --> 00:12:43,680
May here, she here!
286
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,352
Wha... Uh, May!
What are... What are you doing here?
287
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,187
No, come on.
288
00:12:50,854 --> 00:12:52,022
No, no...
289
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:54,233
WOMAN: (SINGING ON SPEAKERS)
In a flash, he is gone
290
00:12:54,316 --> 00:12:55,984
It happened so soon...
291
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,529
In case you were wondering, she, uh...
292
00:12:58,612 --> 00:13:01,823
She did get her little
rubber holder thing.
293
00:13:10,249 --> 00:13:12,876
Coach, um, I wanted to apologize.
294
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,628
-Not now, honey.
-He needs some time, honey.
295
00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:16,255
-I brought over a beer.
-We'll take that beer.
296
00:13:16,338 --> 00:13:17,381
Give us that beer, honey.
297
00:13:19,007 --> 00:13:20,133
Sorry.
298
00:13:21,343 --> 00:13:26,473
I'm not a freaking love doctor.
I'm Dr. E.D. Ote.
299
00:13:26,557 --> 00:13:27,808
(CHUCKLES) Dr. Idiot.
300
00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:31,144
Yeah, I get it. I just never understood
the whole love doctor thing, anyway.
301
00:13:31,228 --> 00:13:34,273
I guess I was just hoping that
with all the mistakes I've made,
302
00:13:34,356 --> 00:13:36,650
at least I could help you guys find love.
303
00:13:36,733 --> 00:13:39,486
That I didn't go through
all that for no reason.
304
00:13:40,696 --> 00:13:41,989
Yeah, but no one has the answers,
you know?
305
00:13:42,072 --> 00:13:44,700
It's love, it makes no sense. It's messy.
306
00:13:45,617 --> 00:13:47,578
There's no such thing as a love doctor.
307
00:13:49,580 --> 00:13:50,747
You know what, Cece?
308
00:13:51,123 --> 00:13:53,917
Go on your trip. Go get over Schmidt.
309
00:13:54,251 --> 00:13:55,419
Don't listen to me.
310
00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:56,920
I'm gonna climb that mountain.
311
00:13:57,796 --> 00:13:59,089
Yeah, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.
312
00:13:59,173 --> 00:14:02,092
But I'm not gonna do it for Schmidt,
I'm gonna do it for me.
313
00:14:02,509 --> 00:14:03,594
Good. Go.
314
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,637
-I love you, girl.
-Love you, too.
315
00:14:09,808 --> 00:14:12,186
Hey, don't smile. Don't smile.
316
00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:13,604
Look sadder that you're buying underpants.
317
00:14:13,687 --> 00:14:15,105
Underpants make you very, very sad.
318
00:14:15,189 --> 00:14:17,065
Oh, I hate being here so much.
319
00:14:17,482 --> 00:14:20,110
These underpants make
me so uncomfortable.
320
00:14:20,194 --> 00:14:22,863
That's perfect.
There's that fat boy improv training.
321
00:14:22,946 --> 00:14:25,532
Now, next, I'm going to ask
for something with a little more coverage,
322
00:14:25,616 --> 00:14:27,117
you're gonna flip out,
say you can't take it anymore,
323
00:14:27,201 --> 00:14:28,202
and leave the store.
324
00:14:28,285 --> 00:14:30,495
Then tomorrow, we enter you
into some kind of rehab facility.
325
00:14:30,579 --> 00:14:32,623
When you get out, we'll announce
that we're getting married.
326
00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:34,583
-Married? What? I don't...
-Shh. Yes. Shh.
327
00:14:35,167 --> 00:14:36,418
Yes, yes. Okay.
328
00:14:36,502 --> 00:14:39,463
So what I say is we build
on this momentum, okay?
329
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:40,756
And we get married.
330
00:14:40,839 --> 00:14:44,760
I know it's not the most romantic
idea in the world, but we'd be happy.
331
00:14:44,843 --> 00:14:46,637
And then, we play our cards right,
332
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:49,014
you and I are living
in the mayor's mansion by 2020.
333
00:14:50,349 --> 00:14:51,850
Fawn. Fawn.
334
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:55,979
-No.
-No? Oh, no to some of it?
335
00:14:56,063 --> 00:14:58,649
No to all of it. We can't get married.
I barely even know you.
336
00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:01,401
-You... You know me.
-The real you, Fawn.
337
00:15:01,485 --> 00:15:02,945
This is the real me.
338
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:06,740
I'm a politician,
not in The Vagina Monologues.
339
00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:10,661
I mean, what do you want?
I can get you anything you want.
340
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:13,080
-You'll be rich, I'll be powerful.
-I'm realizing...
341
00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:16,625
...just now that it's not what I want.
342
00:15:18,710 --> 00:15:20,170
I don't want any of that.
343
00:15:20,254 --> 00:15:21,463
I want to be in love.
344
00:15:22,965 --> 00:15:26,218
I want to be...
I want to be crazy in love.
345
00:15:26,301 --> 00:15:27,928
Okay, well, certainly don't quote Beyoncé
346
00:15:28,011 --> 00:15:29,429
and then pretend like
you just thought of it.
347
00:15:29,513 --> 00:15:32,766
-Uh, uh, I want to be drunk in love.
-But that's also a Beyoncé lyric.
348
00:15:33,392 --> 00:15:34,643
Come on, Fawn.
349
00:15:35,561 --> 00:15:36,937
You're not really in love with me.
350
00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:39,898
I'm not really in love with you.
351
00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:44,570
We just look great together
buying underpants.
352
00:15:46,655 --> 00:15:48,282
Are you breaking up with me?
353
00:15:50,325 --> 00:15:51,743
I guess I kind of am.
354
00:15:53,787 --> 00:15:55,205
Well, um...
355
00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:59,126
I don't want this
to come out the wrong way, but...
356
00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:02,713
Does this mean I lose your vote?
357
00:16:03,255 --> 00:16:04,464
(CHUCKLES)
358
00:16:05,507 --> 00:16:06,758
Never.
359
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:09,845
(CAMERAS CLICKING)
360
00:16:12,514 --> 00:16:15,392
(SHOUTING) I just can't stand
to be in here any longer!
361
00:16:16,143 --> 00:16:18,854
Surrounded by these underpants!
362
00:16:19,438 --> 00:16:22,774
Red ones and yellow ones
and blue ones and pink ones!
363
00:16:22,858 --> 00:16:26,987
And this woman with her
brassiere-slash-teddy!
364
00:16:27,070 --> 00:16:29,364
Underpants everywhere!
They're driving me nuts!
365
00:16:29,448 --> 00:16:31,533
I feel like I got
underpants all over my body!
366
00:16:31,617 --> 00:16:34,161
Schmidt out. This is ridiculous.
367
00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:36,705
Enough is enough.
Get out of here, paparazzi.
368
00:16:38,207 --> 00:16:40,667
No, leave me...
Get out of my way, sir.
369
00:16:52,179 --> 00:16:53,847
-I just want to say something.
-No.
370
00:16:53,931 --> 00:16:54,973
And then I'll leave.
371
00:16:55,057 --> 00:16:57,684
Look, I'll never get involved in
your personal life ever again.
372
00:16:57,935 --> 00:17:00,187
Okay? Because I have no
idea what I'm talking about.
373
00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:01,313
And I know that now.
374
00:17:01,396 --> 00:17:03,649
You could just...
You could just troll for basic bitches
375
00:17:03,732 --> 00:17:06,193
at the juice bar,
and I will say, mmm, nothing.
376
00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:09,238
Okay? So, look,
I was wrong, and I'm sorry.
377
00:17:09,321 --> 00:17:10,489
I do love her.
378
00:17:13,951 --> 00:17:16,620
-I'm crazy about her.
-Yes! I was right!
379
00:17:16,995 --> 00:17:19,581
(LAUGHS) Love Doctor! I'm back.
380
00:17:19,665 --> 00:17:21,583
Really? I thought
it was just a regular breakup.
381
00:17:21,750 --> 00:17:24,294
But in all fairness,
I hadn't thought about it that hard.
382
00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:26,046
I mean, what do I do, man?
383
00:17:26,588 --> 00:17:28,715
You know,
it's like she's going to New York.
384
00:17:28,799 --> 00:17:30,008
-Yup.
-I can't go to New York with her.
385
00:17:30,133 --> 00:17:31,176
That's crazy. You know?
386
00:17:31,260 --> 00:17:33,053
I like my sun on the right
and my ocean on the left.
387
00:17:33,804 --> 00:17:36,640
It's a rule of mine.
Plus, I'd have to leave you guys.
388
00:17:37,724 --> 00:17:40,394
Can't leave you guys, I mean,
I finally have a home.
389
00:17:44,815 --> 00:17:47,359
All right, flash forward to the future.
390
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,696
40, 50 years.
391
00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:54,324
-You're married. Kids, grandkids.
-Mmm-hmm.
392
00:17:54,408 --> 00:17:55,617
-I'm long dead.
-Naturally.
393
00:17:55,701 --> 00:17:57,369
-Of course.
-And you look over
394
00:17:57,452 --> 00:17:58,745
to the woman sitting next to you.
395
00:17:59,454 --> 00:18:00,789
And she's gray.
396
00:18:01,415 --> 00:18:03,417
-She's old.
-She has that, like, grandma smell.
397
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:05,836
-You have a grandpa smell, but you got...
-Grandmas always smell like...
398
00:18:06,461 --> 00:18:07,754
Like right when you open a cupboard.
399
00:18:07,838 --> 00:18:10,340
-Yeah, she has that smell, but...
-Mmm-hmm.
400
00:18:10,424 --> 00:18:11,633
...you love her.
401
00:18:12,342 --> 00:18:13,468
Be honest with yourself.
402
00:18:13,552 --> 00:18:15,762
Is that fat old lady sitting beside you...
403
00:18:15,846 --> 00:18:18,056
Mmm... Honestly, right now, in my head,
I'm just picturing, like,
404
00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:20,058
a beanbag chair with a wig on it.
405
00:18:20,142 --> 00:18:22,686
Okay. We have gone too much
into the description.
406
00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:25,105
-Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Is that May?
407
00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:30,027
I think so.
408
00:18:32,696 --> 00:18:33,906
Well, that's big.
409
00:18:35,657 --> 00:18:36,783
Let's go get her.
410
00:18:36,867 --> 00:18:37,868
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
411
00:18:37,951 --> 00:18:38,994
-JESS: Whoo-hoo!
-Let's go get May.
412
00:18:39,077 --> 00:18:40,078
Yeah!
413
00:18:40,704 --> 00:18:42,706
Hey, Jess, she texted me back!
The blank bubble worked!
414
00:18:44,750 --> 00:18:47,127
Guys? Have you seen my white friends?
415
00:18:48,086 --> 00:18:49,880
In 40 years, when we're old and...
416
00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:52,132
-Do it.
-...a mess of fat,
417
00:18:52,549 --> 00:18:55,594
loose skin hanging, I have boobs,
418
00:18:55,677 --> 00:18:57,304
and you've got hair
on your face...
419
00:18:57,721 --> 00:18:59,640
Holding my rock sack
while I'm sitting on the toilet
420
00:18:59,723 --> 00:19:01,266
so it doesn't fall in the water.
421
00:19:01,350 --> 00:19:03,018
What are you saying?
422
00:19:03,101 --> 00:19:06,772
I'm saying, as you get older,
your testicles lengthen.
423
00:19:07,439 --> 00:19:09,024
-(SCOFFS)
-No, what I'm saying is I love you.
424
00:19:09,525 --> 00:19:10,567
-Oh.
-And that I would be
425
00:19:10,651 --> 00:19:14,863
a fool if I let you leave to New York
without even fighting for us.
426
00:19:20,953 --> 00:19:21,995
Ernie...
427
00:19:23,372 --> 00:19:24,540
I love you, too.
428
00:19:26,542 --> 00:19:29,962
-But I... I can't stay here.
-I don't want you to stay here.
429
00:19:30,045 --> 00:19:33,882
Um... Look, I know we haven't
been dating that long,
430
00:19:33,966 --> 00:19:36,844
and, um, this might seem crazy,
but I was won...
431
00:19:36,927 --> 00:19:38,470
Will you move to New York with me?
432
00:19:38,762 --> 00:19:40,639
Yes! That! That's what I...
433
00:19:40,722 --> 00:19:42,349
-Yes?
-Yeah, that's what I wanted to do, yeah.
434
00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:44,017
-(SQUEALS)
-Right. So, we're moving to New York?
435
00:19:44,101 --> 00:19:46,061
-We're moving to New York.
-We're moving to New York!
436
00:19:46,144 --> 00:19:47,646
-Jersey City.
-What?
437
00:19:47,729 --> 00:19:49,690
-Jersey City!
-Jersey... I don't...
438
00:19:54,194 --> 00:19:55,737
Well, this is all you, Jess.
439
00:19:56,029 --> 00:19:57,698
-This is all you.
-Come on.
440
00:19:57,906 --> 00:19:59,867
I mean it.
If Coach were hanging out with me,
441
00:19:59,950 --> 00:20:01,994
we'd be beating up
a priest right now.
442
00:20:02,077 --> 00:20:04,454
(LAUGHS) You had a lot
to do with this, too.
443
00:20:05,163 --> 00:20:06,623
No, really. All that stuff about
444
00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:09,126
"Who do you see yourself next to?"
445
00:20:09,751 --> 00:20:12,379
That's... That's really good.
Do you do that?
446
00:20:14,256 --> 00:20:17,050
Who... Who do you see yourself next to?
447
00:20:19,219 --> 00:20:20,304
Winston mostly.
448
00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:23,348
Ah. Yeah, me, too, actually.
449
00:20:23,432 --> 00:20:24,641
(BOTH LAUGH)
450
00:20:24,725 --> 00:20:27,227
I just see a really old Winston.
(CHUCKLES)
451
00:20:27,311 --> 00:20:29,730
Eating handfuls of birdseed
out of the bag.
452
00:20:30,689 --> 00:20:32,232
He gets really into birds.
453
00:20:33,150 --> 00:20:35,694
Hey! Play some music! Play some music!
454
00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:40,949
(PLAYING ROMANTIC CLASSICAL MUSIC)
455
00:20:51,793 --> 00:20:53,837
-I'm sorry about Fawn.
-Yeah, sorry, buddy.
456
00:20:53,921 --> 00:20:55,214
Yeah, you guys were good together.
457
00:20:55,297 --> 00:20:57,049
-She was fine.
-Okay, that's enough.
458
00:20:57,132 --> 00:20:58,675
-I know you guys didn't like her.
-Hated her guts.
459
00:20:58,759 --> 00:20:59,760
So much!
460
00:20:59,843 --> 00:21:01,178
JESS: Wait.
What are we watching right now?
461
00:21:01,553 --> 00:21:02,971
That girl just took her boobs out!
462
00:21:03,055 --> 00:21:05,933
-Nick, why are you watching smut?
-It was already in the DVD player.
463
00:21:06,016 --> 00:21:08,018
-I didn't want to get up and get it.
-Schmidt, are you sitting on my pillow?
464
00:21:08,101 --> 00:21:09,102
Who leaves porn in the DVD?
465
00:21:09,186 --> 00:21:10,437
What's it doing out here
in the first place?
466
00:21:10,521 --> 00:21:11,688
The only thing we use it for.
Might as well just leave it in.
467
00:21:11,772 --> 00:21:13,232
I'm sleeping on the couch.
Furguson and I are fighting.
468
00:21:13,315 --> 00:21:14,358
SCHMIDT: Why is that pillow wet?
469
00:21:14,441 --> 00:21:15,776
NICK: It's a good story.
Let's just watch and see what happens.
470
00:21:15,859 --> 00:21:17,152
What are you smiling at?
471
00:21:18,570 --> 00:21:19,655
Nothing.
472
00:21:20,405 --> 00:21:22,491
For crying out loud,
take this soft-core off the TV right now.
473
00:21:22,574 --> 00:21:23,867
-Why is this pillow wet?
-Furguson...
474
00:21:23,951 --> 00:21:26,078
Jess, I have to see how the story ends.
475
00:21:26,161 --> 00:21:27,162
There isn't any plot!
476
00:21:27,246 --> 00:21:28,372
This is the wrong time to stop this,
trust me.
477
00:21:28,455 --> 00:21:30,249
Get you and your wet pillow
and your big old legs out of here.
478
00:21:30,332 --> 00:21:32,292
Nick, I know you want that.
I don't want to eat that.
479
00:21:32,376 --> 00:21:34,586
Get that damn pizza out of my mouth!
480
00:21:34,670 --> 00:21:35,879
(LAUGHTER)
37746