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1
00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:04,129
-NICK: Your hair looks so different.
-Well, get used to it, boys.
2
00:00:04,254 --> 00:00:06,465
'Cause we're single, we're sophisticated.
3
00:00:06,548 --> 00:00:09,051
And we just went
to a place to get blow-outs.
4
00:00:09,134 --> 00:00:10,219
What's a blow-out?
5
00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:13,055
You know how it's impossible
to make your own hair look amazing?
6
00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:15,057
-Uh, I do not.
-Yeah, you know whose hair I admire?
7
00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:19,144
Jesus. Man, dude's hair get overlooked
because of all the miracles and stuff.
8
00:00:19,228 --> 00:00:21,730
So, there's a place
that just blows out your hair?
9
00:00:21,813 --> 00:00:23,232
Well, they wash it first.
10
00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:26,735
So, essentially they create a problem,
and then charge you to fix it.
11
00:00:27,069 --> 00:00:28,904
Here's a business idea I just thought of.
12
00:00:28,987 --> 00:00:30,531
Why don't I break the heels off your shoe,
13
00:00:30,614 --> 00:00:32,574
and then charge you to glue them back on?
14
00:00:32,658 --> 00:00:34,826
Or, uh, take your sore back and adjust it.
15
00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:37,746
Which would, uh,
just make me a chiropractor.
16
00:00:37,829 --> 00:00:39,164
You ladies need to be very careful.
17
00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:41,542
Blow-out can give a woman
too much confidence.
18
00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:43,043
Make them take on things
that they can't handle.
19
00:00:43,126 --> 00:00:44,795
-Hillary Clinton.
-Oh, hey, Ken.
20
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,338
You can just put the beer behind the bar.
21
00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:49,341
Oh, actually I was coming over here
to talk to the pretty ladies.
22
00:00:49,424 --> 00:00:50,759
(BOTH LAUGH)
23
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,135
Nice hair.
24
00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:53,262
(BOTH LAUGH)
25
00:00:53,345 --> 00:00:55,764
(LAUGHS) Hey, Jess. Hey, Cece.
26
00:00:56,265 --> 00:00:57,766
Bearclaw, hello.
27
00:00:57,850 --> 00:00:59,893
I'd offer you my hand, but it's quite wet.
28
00:00:59,977 --> 00:01:01,395
Still standing close to people.
29
00:01:01,478 --> 00:01:04,106
My building has cable Internet now.
Did you get even prettier?
30
00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:05,190
(LAUGHS) What?
31
00:01:05,274 --> 00:01:07,276
No. What? No.
32
00:01:07,693 --> 00:01:09,486
What... No.
33
00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,864
You and Cece should come
to a party at our place tonight.
34
00:01:12,197 --> 00:01:14,491
I live with Ken.
Ken played football in college.
35
00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:17,411
Do a football thing, Ken!
I'm kidding, Ken.
36
00:01:17,494 --> 00:01:19,162
Nobody wants to see that garbage.
37
00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:21,373
Anyway, gonna be some cool people there.
38
00:01:21,456 --> 00:01:24,084
-We know twin architects.
-Yeah, they're brothers.
39
00:01:24,168 --> 00:01:25,878
Ken, what did we talk about? Huh?
40
00:01:25,961 --> 00:01:28,505
Some people understand things
that don't come
41
00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:31,550
quite naturally to your brain!
Stupid dum-dum.
42
00:01:31,633 --> 00:01:33,218
Stay out of this. You guys want to come?
43
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:35,888
-Um, could you excuse us for a second?
-Yeah.
44
00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:38,891
You played that all wrong,
you stupid idiot.
45
00:01:39,183 --> 00:01:41,101
Cece, I know these guys are weird,
46
00:01:41,185 --> 00:01:43,061
but parties have cute guys
who aren't Schmidt.
47
00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:46,356
What did Charisma say while
he was washing our hair?
48
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:49,568
He said he was worried about Taylor Swift
living in New York all alone.
49
00:01:49,651 --> 00:01:53,363
Well, yeah, we all are, but he also said
that we need to embrace our freedom.
50
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:55,782
We're single.
We can do whatever we want!
51
00:01:55,866 --> 00:01:57,784
The only thing stopping us is us.
52
00:01:57,868 --> 00:02:01,246
And Charisma made us promise
not to waste these blow-outs.
53
00:02:01,330 --> 00:02:03,832
Our hair does look so good right now.
54
00:02:03,916 --> 00:02:05,584
Let's do this! Let's go to this party!
55
00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:07,544
Let's see where this journey takes us!
56
00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:10,255
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
57
00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:13,509
Good morning.
58
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:16,762
Hi.
59
00:02:16,845 --> 00:02:18,222
Do you want to hear a funny story?
60
00:02:19,181 --> 00:02:20,974
This green pillow over here,
61
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,685
I always use it in between my legs
62
00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:26,730
like a... Like a second person.
63
00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:31,193
But it found its proper home
underneath your head today.
64
00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:49,336
-(BOTH LAUGH)
-MAN: Hey, hey... Mamma mia!
65
00:02:49,419 --> 00:02:51,171
-He slipped in the sauce.
-Bookmark this one.
66
00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:52,714
Coach, get in here!
67
00:02:52,798 --> 00:02:54,758
We're watching videos
of Italians falling down.
68
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:56,635
Oh, he's on a jog with May.
69
00:02:56,718 --> 00:02:58,637
You know, I think he might've met
his match with that one.
70
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:00,222
Rumor has it they haven't even kissed yet.
71
00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:01,348
What was all that noise in their room
72
00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:03,058
if they haven't kissed yet?
That's weird.
73
00:03:03,642 --> 00:03:05,978
Stop listening by everybody's rooms
74
00:03:06,061 --> 00:03:07,646
-for sex sounds, Winston.
-(LAUGHS)
75
00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:09,606
-Listen, if I'm not getting it...
-Hey! Hey!
76
00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:11,275
...I want to make sure
everybody else is getting it.
77
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:12,526
Winston, I mean it, man.
78
00:03:13,068 --> 00:03:14,194
Good morning!
79
00:03:14,820 --> 00:03:16,613
I, uh, I believe you all know May.
80
00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:18,240
-Hi.
-If you'd like to exchange pleasantries,
81
00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:20,242
please do so now,
as she is on her way out.
82
00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:23,412
Why are you talking like
you're high and I'm your dad?
83
00:03:23,495 --> 00:03:25,539
Sorry I can't stay.
I'm performing at a benefit today.
84
00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:28,584
-Oh.
-I'm playing Bach's "Cello Suite No. 1,"
85
00:03:29,001 --> 00:03:32,045
and all I have left to learn
is the cadenza movement, so it's...
86
00:03:32,588 --> 00:03:34,006
Well, at least it's not the sarabande.
87
00:03:34,089 --> 00:03:37,718
-Oh! Oh, my God!
-(LAUGHING) Right? I get this.
88
00:03:38,343 --> 00:03:39,887
That's crazy.
89
00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:41,889
Hey, you guys should come.
90
00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:43,724
Yeah, it's at an art gallery.
91
00:03:43,974 --> 00:03:46,226
Yeah, yeah.
I... I think I speak for everyone
92
00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:48,228
when I say absolutmont.
93
00:03:48,437 --> 00:03:50,105
(LAUGHTER)
94
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:53,942
Something about Italians
on their asses, man.
95
00:03:58,655 --> 00:04:00,073
BOTH: (GASP) Oh, my God!
96
00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:03,160
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
97
00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:06,455
-You have stickers on your neck.
-(GROANS)
98
00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:11,043
Ow! "The man, the legend"?
Wouldn't that mean he has no penis at all?
99
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:13,337
Look, I had no choice, okay?
He's sleeping on my shirt.
100
00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:16,590
We need to go! Walk of shame!
Let's make a move.
101
00:04:16,673 --> 00:04:19,968
Wait a minute.
Why do women have to have a label
102
00:04:20,219 --> 00:04:23,847
for going home in the morning
when for men it's just going home?
103
00:04:24,056 --> 00:04:25,807
Why don't we just call
ourselves what we are?
104
00:04:25,891 --> 00:04:27,726
Two respectable women
105
00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:30,020
-rushing to their car.
-Great.
106
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,105
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
107
00:04:32,189 --> 00:04:35,567
Oh! The sun! Hellfire!
108
00:04:36,652 --> 00:04:38,403
Where's the car? Where's my car?
109
00:04:38,737 --> 00:04:43,283
-No, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...
-No! No! No, no, no, no...
110
00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:45,827
-What are we gonna do?
-My phone's dead.
111
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:47,746
My phone is dead, too.
112
00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:49,706
-I have no cash.
-Now, what are we gonna do?
113
00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:52,543
-Are we gonna walk?
-My feet are wrecked, okay?
114
00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:55,838
And carrying shoes?
That's legit walk of shame.
115
00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:58,882
Please stop saying "walk of shame."
Also "legit."
116
00:04:58,966 --> 00:05:00,592
Not crazy about that word, either.
117
00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:04,096
If that South African runner
who killed his girlfriend
118
00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:07,140
can run with no legs,
we can walk in heels.
119
00:05:08,851 --> 00:05:12,020
Excuse you! Those little bitches
throwing us shade? Hey!
120
00:05:12,187 --> 00:05:13,605
-Keep it moving!
-(BOTH LAUGH)
121
00:05:13,689 --> 00:05:18,110
This is a middle school vice principal
and can give both of you detention.
122
00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:21,780
Hey, would one of you let us
use your phone in exchange for...
123
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:23,282
-Cece?
-What?
124
00:05:23,740 --> 00:05:25,993
-Cheese and a condom?
-It's for emergencies.
125
00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:30,539
Do you think Nick and Winston
should come to May's thing?
126
00:05:30,622 --> 00:05:32,416
-No.
-I mean, I'm so freaked out
127
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:33,834
that they're gonna embarrass me.
128
00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:35,711
I'm barely holding my own
with May's friends as it is.
129
00:05:36,253 --> 00:05:38,714
It's always
neo-romanticism with that guy...
130
00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:41,091
Like Rihm, Rochberg, Zwilich.
131
00:05:41,175 --> 00:05:42,801
You know what song I find neo-romantic?
132
00:05:43,302 --> 00:05:45,679
(HUMMING JOHNNY PEARSON'S "HEAVY ACTION")
133
00:05:48,307 --> 00:05:49,641
It's Monday Night Football?
134
00:05:51,143 --> 00:05:52,394
Uh...
135
00:05:53,270 --> 00:05:54,646
Why is it, like, weird right now?
136
00:05:55,147 --> 00:05:56,481
It's a good thing that
I'm coming with you.
137
00:05:57,316 --> 00:05:58,609
I know a ton about classical music.
138
00:05:59,401 --> 00:06:00,527
I played the ghost of Rachmaninoff
139
00:06:00,611 --> 00:06:02,821
in a loosely based
high school production of Shine.
140
00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:05,699
Now, do you think I'm crazy
for, like, thinking like that?
141
00:06:05,949 --> 00:06:07,367
Like, what do you think
about Nick and Winston coming?
142
00:06:07,451 --> 00:06:09,244
You know, I brought Nick
to a work dinner once.
143
00:06:09,328 --> 00:06:12,539
(WHOOPS) That was fun!
Now, that place was fancy.
144
00:06:12,915 --> 00:06:14,291
(GROANS)
145
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:15,542
(GRUNTS)
146
00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:18,712
Vest without a shirt?
I mean, it's a clean look.
147
00:06:18,921 --> 00:06:20,214
It's just not for that occasion.
148
00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:22,549
You don't think we should tell them
not to come, though, right?
149
00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:23,842
I think we can tell
them whatever we want.
150
00:06:23,926 --> 00:06:27,387
Oh, hey, hey. And then...
So, that's, it's his side.
151
00:06:27,471 --> 00:06:29,306
-Hey, Nick!
-(SPUTTERS)
152
00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:32,309
What's up, man?
153
00:06:44,655 --> 00:06:46,823
Nick, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up!
154
00:06:47,032 --> 00:06:49,576
MALE VOICE: The voice mailbox for...
NICK: Penis Wilson.
155
00:06:49,660 --> 00:06:51,703
MALE VOICE: ...is full. Good-bye.
156
00:06:52,037 --> 00:06:53,205
And there it is.
157
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,834
-All the numbers I know by heart.
-That's more than me.
158
00:06:57,501 --> 00:06:58,585
Learn from us.
159
00:06:58,669 --> 00:07:00,963
Also, never open a line of credit
160
00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:04,091
for your boyfriend no matter
how talented of an artist he is.
161
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,343
Uh, we are walking.
162
00:07:07,135 --> 00:07:08,345
We're walking.
163
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:09,513
CECE: All right.
164
00:07:11,723 --> 00:07:14,810
-This is a legit walk of shame.
-Oh, yeah.
165
00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:16,770
Rough start, ladies!
166
00:07:16,854 --> 00:07:17,980
It was the blow-out.
167
00:07:19,481 --> 00:07:22,776
-It was the blow-out.
-It's gonna be okay. Come on, let's go.
168
00:07:25,821 --> 00:07:27,865
Oh, my God, they look so comfy.
169
00:07:28,282 --> 00:07:31,702
Okay, you got it, okay? You got it.
Just give it a good... (GRUNTS)
170
00:07:32,327 --> 00:07:34,246
Oh, God, I need those sneakers.
171
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:36,790
Ooh! So close, so close.
172
00:07:36,874 --> 00:07:38,458
You got it on this one,
you got it, you got it.
173
00:07:38,542 --> 00:07:40,335
-Yeah.
-(SCREAMS)
174
00:07:40,711 --> 00:07:43,005
No! No!
175
00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:47,676
Let's follow that train.
176
00:07:49,178 --> 00:07:52,431
JESS: Look at it,
just sitting there, so full and so watery.
177
00:07:53,056 --> 00:07:55,184
If we steal that water, are we criminals?
178
00:07:55,267 --> 00:07:56,393
If we cross this fence,
179
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,769
are we crossing a line
that we can never...
180
00:07:57,853 --> 00:07:59,271
Shut up, we are going in.
181
00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:03,275
WINSTON: Makes sense.
182
00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:06,737
Ugh, I can't believe we have to go
to that stupid music thing.
183
00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:09,406
I just found these two-for-one
coupons to the water park.
184
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,366
-Wow.
-They reopened the wave pool
185
00:08:11,450 --> 00:08:13,410
because it's been two years to
the day since that guy died.
186
00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:15,245
-R.I.P., Mike Beakman.
-SCHMIDT: All right, you know what?
187
00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:16,955
I'll... I'll take one for the team.
188
00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:18,665
You guys go to the water park,
189
00:08:18,749 --> 00:08:19,875
-and I'll go with Coach.
-COACH: Really?
190
00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:22,836
My eyes react poorly
to children's urine anyway.
191
00:08:23,212 --> 00:08:25,005
-Don't ask me how I know that.
-Sweet.
192
00:08:25,088 --> 00:08:26,632
You guys are gonna have
so much fun without us, man.
193
00:08:26,715 --> 00:08:27,716
Yeah, come on, Coach.
194
00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:29,384
Let's go put on our most
scrotum-crushing trousers.
195
00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:32,596
Thanks a lot, guys. (CHUCKLES)
196
00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:36,058
Those lousy serpents.
They don't want us to come.
197
00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:37,809
Damn lousy serpents.
198
00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:39,269
(HISSING)
199
00:08:39,645 --> 00:08:40,687
They must think we're stupid.
200
00:08:40,771 --> 00:08:42,147
-I don't want to go...
-Mmm-hmm.
201
00:08:42,231 --> 00:08:45,859
...but I don't like the idea of not going
because they don't want us to go,
202
00:08:45,943 --> 00:08:47,986
rather than not going
because we don't want to go.
203
00:08:48,070 --> 00:08:49,696
That's right, 'cause if we don't go,
then who gonna go
204
00:08:49,780 --> 00:08:51,949
when we don't want to, 'cause we go.
205
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,200
Right? Rewind.
206
00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:55,577
-Come on, I'm being very clear here.
-Where are we going and why?
207
00:08:55,786 --> 00:08:57,788
We're going everywhere for both reasons.
208
00:08:57,871 --> 00:08:59,331
(HISSING)
209
00:08:59,957 --> 00:09:01,875
-How do you do it so smooth?
-(HISSES) Just...
210
00:09:01,959 --> 00:09:03,126
(HISSES) ...exhale.
211
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:04,920
(STUTTERING HISS)
212
00:09:05,879 --> 00:09:07,881
-(SMOOTH HISS)
-(STUTTERING HISS)
213
00:09:08,006 --> 00:09:09,716
I just can't do it.
I don't even care about it.
214
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,426
Just gonna...
215
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:12,928
Oh, that's heavy.
216
00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:14,221
-Yeah.
-Okay.
217
00:09:14,304 --> 00:09:16,014
-Let's just knock it over.
-Push it... Push it.
218
00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:17,850
-Push, push...
-Go.
219
00:09:17,933 --> 00:09:20,394
Oh! Fall back, fall back,
fall back, fall back.
220
00:09:23,105 --> 00:09:24,147
We're trapped.
221
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:26,775
Now what?
Wait until the kid's party's over?
222
00:09:26,859 --> 00:09:29,945
Kids unwrap presents so slowly.
223
00:09:30,028 --> 00:09:31,655
I know. Kids are so slow.
224
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:34,157
-I think this is rock bottom.
-Cece...
225
00:09:34,741 --> 00:09:37,744
I have to tell you
something embarrassing.
226
00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:41,415
-What?
-I didn't sleep with Bearclaw last night.
227
00:09:42,958 --> 00:09:44,793
I did something even worse.
228
00:09:46,044 --> 00:09:48,505
We made up a musical
about woodland creatures.
229
00:09:48,672 --> 00:09:50,716
(SINGING)
Owls and squirrels and deer
230
00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:52,801
-(SINGING) Raccoon and caribou
-And otters
231
00:09:52,885 --> 00:09:55,345
Get out of here, you're not welcome
232
00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:56,805
-Get out of here
-Get out of here
233
00:09:56,889 --> 00:09:58,473
Caribou, caribou...
234
00:09:58,849 --> 00:10:00,142
-(LAUGHING)
-It's true.
235
00:10:00,225 --> 00:10:01,310
(CHUCKLES)
236
00:10:01,393 --> 00:10:03,061
Why did you make it seem like...
237
00:10:03,145 --> 00:10:06,106
Because I didn't have a one-night stand
like a normal woman.
238
00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:08,859
I stayed up all night
pretending to be a singing tree.
239
00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:11,612
(SINGING)
I'm just a dumb old tree
240
00:10:11,695 --> 00:10:13,947
(SINGING)
No, you're not, take it back
241
00:10:14,031 --> 00:10:17,993
-Nobody ever pets me-e-e-e
-'Cause you're just a tree
242
00:10:18,076 --> 00:10:20,245
They just eat my nuts
243
00:10:20,329 --> 00:10:26,084
Eat my nuts, eat my nuts
244
00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:32,424
You're right. That is way more shameful.
245
00:10:32,508 --> 00:10:34,468
-(GIGGLES WEAKLY)
-All right. Confession.
246
00:10:34,635 --> 00:10:37,554
I did not sleep with Ken, either.
247
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:40,724
Yeah, we started hooking up
and then I called him... Schmidt.
248
00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:41,934
That's okay. It happens.
249
00:10:42,017 --> 00:10:43,143
-Twice.
-Whatever.
250
00:10:43,227 --> 00:10:44,603
-Four times.
-Okay, that's bad.
251
00:10:45,020 --> 00:10:48,315
I know, I felt so bad afterwards,
I straightened up his room.
252
00:10:48,857 --> 00:10:52,694
I am a grown woman
that is in love with her ex-boyfriend
253
00:10:52,778 --> 00:10:54,738
that has a girlfriend.
254
00:10:55,739 --> 00:10:57,449
And I've been stealing
my neighbor's Wi-Fi.
255
00:10:58,283 --> 00:10:59,868
I mean, what have I become?
256
00:11:00,744 --> 00:11:02,621
This day is about to turn around.
257
00:11:10,921 --> 00:11:12,047
Wait.
258
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:18,971
-(SOFTLY) Coach.
-What?
259
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:22,182
-Just... Just put it in your pocket.
-No, dude. It had pork belly on it.
260
00:11:22,266 --> 00:11:23,725
Just put it in your pocket. Do it.
261
00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:25,727
I used to play the violin.
262
00:11:25,894 --> 00:11:27,771
Then I became a real musician.
263
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:28,981
(LAUGHS)
264
00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:31,984
Because your instrument's
bigger, right? (CHUCKLES)
265
00:11:32,067 --> 00:11:33,277
Cello knowledge.
266
00:11:33,819 --> 00:11:34,820
Yeah.
267
00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:37,072
(SOFTLY) The cello is bigger. Nice.
268
00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:38,323
(NICK AND WINSTON LAUGHING)
269
00:11:39,992 --> 00:11:42,327
-The hell are they doing here?
-I don't know.
270
00:11:42,411 --> 00:11:44,204
They're drinking at a normal pace.
271
00:11:44,955 --> 00:11:46,206
There's nothing stuck to them.
272
00:11:46,707 --> 00:11:49,001
Exactly. The hell are they up to?
273
00:11:51,795 --> 00:11:53,630
You are a genius.
274
00:11:53,714 --> 00:11:55,507
Sweet, sweet city water.
275
00:11:56,842 --> 00:11:59,469
Okay. You know how today's been
kind of like a crappy day?
276
00:11:59,553 --> 00:12:01,305
-Mmm-hmm.
-Well, how would you feel
277
00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:03,682
if that hose belonged
to your ex-boyfriend?
278
00:12:06,018 --> 00:12:07,060
Jess?
279
00:12:10,105 --> 00:12:12,274
Genzlinger!
280
00:12:12,566 --> 00:12:14,651
Hey! Uh...
281
00:12:14,985 --> 00:12:17,446
Blast from the past! How's that ass?
282
00:12:18,030 --> 00:12:19,531
That ass is good.
283
00:12:20,324 --> 00:12:21,491
I don't know if that's
an expression, but...
284
00:12:21,575 --> 00:12:22,868
How the heck are you?
285
00:12:23,285 --> 00:12:24,328
Good. How... Oop...
286
00:12:25,787 --> 00:12:27,372
-(CHUCKLES)
-Don't know why I did that.
287
00:12:28,207 --> 00:12:29,458
Did it again. I don't know why.
288
00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:35,297
Why you guys dressed up all nice? Huh?
289
00:12:35,714 --> 00:12:37,508
Talking all polite and stuff.
What... What's going on?
290
00:12:37,883 --> 00:12:39,843
Oh, we're just here for the culture
291
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:41,887
-and, uh, the spectacle of it all.
-Really?
292
00:12:41,970 --> 00:12:44,223
And to make you look like
a stupid piece of crap
293
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:46,683
for thinking we'd be
an embarrassment to you.
294
00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:47,893
I'm patting you down.
295
00:12:47,976 --> 00:12:49,019
-Hey.
-I'm an American citizen.
296
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:50,646
I request a female
if you're gonna do that.
297
00:12:51,063 --> 00:12:52,356
Stop it. Stop.
298
00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:53,690
-Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
-Ah, ah.
299
00:12:53,774 --> 00:12:54,900
-Get your paws off of me.
-I feel something!
300
00:12:54,983 --> 00:12:56,360
-I feel something!
-Show some class, Coach.
301
00:12:56,693 --> 00:12:58,820
-NICK: Get your paws off of me!
-Ow!
302
00:12:58,904 --> 00:13:01,657
-Toothpick in my leg!
-(FLUTE PLAYS DISCORDANT NOTES)
303
00:13:01,865 --> 00:13:03,450
Oh, dip.
304
00:13:04,368 --> 00:13:05,410
Ernie!
305
00:13:07,162 --> 00:13:08,705
Please apologize to Frondi.
306
00:13:10,582 --> 00:13:11,625
The flautist.
307
00:13:12,417 --> 00:13:14,127
-Uh...
-The flute player.
308
00:13:14,378 --> 00:13:15,587
Oh.
309
00:13:17,089 --> 00:13:18,215
Sorry, Frondi.
310
00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:21,093
I should go.
311
00:13:24,847 --> 00:13:26,557
We'll take care
of the charges and the damages.
312
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,517
-We'll spare no expense.
-No, we will not. No, we will not.
313
00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:30,727
-We will spare no expense.
-No, we will not.
314
00:13:30,894 --> 00:13:33,021
So, yeah, I got promoted
to vice principal.
315
00:13:33,105 --> 00:13:34,356
-VP.
-Great.
316
00:13:34,439 --> 00:13:37,609
I have a bottle of soy sauce on my desk,
so no more packets for me.
317
00:13:37,693 --> 00:13:39,570
Hey, you got a little
roly poly bug on you, hmm?
318
00:13:40,696 --> 00:13:43,365
-Oh... I get it.
-What?
319
00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:46,451
I wasn't born yesterday!
You think we're on a walk of shame.
320
00:13:46,952 --> 00:13:49,830
-I didn't, but...
-Congratulations.
321
00:13:50,122 --> 00:13:52,708
You spend your Sundays
having cupcake parties
322
00:13:52,791 --> 00:13:54,585
at your beautiful house
with your cute little
323
00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:56,712
half-Asian kid
and your daddy diaper bag...
324
00:13:56,795 --> 00:13:58,755
I think someone might need
a visit from the "rest police."
325
00:13:58,839 --> 00:14:01,633
Just because I don't have a husband
or a baby or a house
326
00:14:01,717 --> 00:14:03,218
doesn't mean I'm not living right.
327
00:14:03,302 --> 00:14:05,053
-We're still growing and changing.
-Yeah.
328
00:14:05,137 --> 00:14:07,347
And that's a good thing.
Look at this hair.
329
00:14:08,223 --> 00:14:11,643
This is single-girl hair.
This is adventure hair.
330
00:14:11,727 --> 00:14:15,189
This isn't boring, married, settled hair.
331
00:14:15,397 --> 00:14:18,358
This is... This is fun. We're fun.
332
00:14:18,442 --> 00:14:22,362
You know what I did last night?
I got totally obliterated,
333
00:14:22,446 --> 00:14:25,908
and I made up a musical fable
with a guy named Bearclaw,
334
00:14:25,991 --> 00:14:27,826
and it was better than sex.
335
00:14:28,243 --> 00:14:30,787
(SINGING)
I'm a little fox, but I'm not that sly
336
00:14:30,871 --> 00:14:33,457
What can I say?
I'm an honest little guy
337
00:14:34,541 --> 00:14:36,460
Well, I'm glad things are good...
338
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:37,669
You know what, Genzlinger?
339
00:14:37,753 --> 00:14:40,130
I don't care what you think of me.
'Cause this is my journey.
340
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:42,799
Welcome to my freaking journey.
341
00:14:42,883 --> 00:14:44,384
Great, I wish you luck...
342
00:14:44,468 --> 00:14:46,345
-You ready?
-Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
343
00:14:49,348 --> 00:14:50,849
That's not Jenn.
344
00:14:52,476 --> 00:14:54,186
(SIGHS) Nope.
345
00:14:55,229 --> 00:14:56,772
This is not my house, okay?
346
00:14:57,064 --> 00:15:00,901
This is not a daddy diaper bag.
This is a bag of sadness.
347
00:15:01,485 --> 00:15:04,363
-Because I am a party clown.
-(SQUEAKS)
348
00:15:04,446 --> 00:15:06,365
I'm actually a musical party clown, okay?
349
00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:10,369
So no one's had a more shameful
walk this morning than me.
350
00:15:11,703 --> 00:15:13,163
(SQUEAKS)
351
00:15:15,707 --> 00:15:17,835
-What happened to Jenn?
-Thanks for bringing that up.
352
00:15:18,377 --> 00:15:20,045
Salt in the wound. She left me.
353
00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:21,922
You know what I did last night?
I'm gonna tell you.
354
00:15:22,005 --> 00:15:24,174
I masturbated to pornography
355
00:15:24,258 --> 00:15:26,385
that I had to draw on
the back of an envelope.
356
00:15:27,719 --> 00:15:28,762
-(CHUCKLES)
-Mmm.
357
00:15:28,846 --> 00:15:31,014
-He's great with kids.
-Who are you?
358
00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:32,975
I'm a Liza Minnelli impersonator.
359
00:15:33,809 --> 00:15:34,977
(SINGING)
Ah...
360
00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:36,270
So...
361
00:15:40,566 --> 00:15:43,193
Ah, guys, look, I don't see much
of the toothpick coming out.
362
00:15:43,402 --> 00:15:45,028
So, best move...
363
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,531
Push it all the way in,
and get it from the other side.
364
00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:49,825
-Am I right? You guys agree?
-How could you guys do this to me?
365
00:15:49,908 --> 00:15:51,910
NICK: We didn't do anything.
You embarrassed yourself.
366
00:15:51,994 --> 00:15:56,540
Actually, you embarrassed us.
And you do it all the time, Coach.
367
00:15:56,623 --> 00:16:00,502
Like how you sit on the hood of your car
when you pump gas into it.
368
00:16:00,586 --> 00:16:02,504
I mean, what, are you in Dukes of Hazzard,
you idiot?
369
00:16:02,588 --> 00:16:05,299
I saw Isaiah Thomas do it on
a poster once, and it was cool.
370
00:16:05,757 --> 00:16:07,050
And what are you laughing at, all right?
371
00:16:07,134 --> 00:16:08,760
-What?
-You put ChapStick on like a little girl
372
00:16:08,844 --> 00:16:10,470
putting on lipstick for the first time.
373
00:16:10,554 --> 00:16:12,389
(CHUCKLING) It's way too much puckering.
374
00:16:13,223 --> 00:16:15,267
-Winston, you know what, you shut up.
-Cold busted.
375
00:16:15,350 --> 00:16:16,560
You're the most embarrassing
one of our friends by far.
376
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:17,811
-With your singing.
-Your outfits.
377
00:16:17,895 --> 00:16:18,896
-And the crystals.
-Your mural.
378
00:16:18,979 --> 00:16:20,105
-The mustache.
-Your fauxhawk.
379
00:16:20,189 --> 00:16:21,190
-With your bell.
-Puzzles.
380
00:16:21,273 --> 00:16:24,484
-Your cat.
-FYI... You guys live with the cat, too.
381
00:16:25,152 --> 00:16:26,945
But at least I get to reap the benefits.
382
00:16:27,029 --> 00:16:28,197
(CHUCKLES)
383
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:29,615
-That.
-(DOOR OPENS)
384
00:16:31,992 --> 00:16:33,535
-Ah.
-(CHUCKLING) Oh, Oh.
385
00:16:33,702 --> 00:16:35,621
Look, it's not what it looks like, my man.
386
00:16:35,704 --> 00:16:37,581
Um, we're just trying to squeeze
something out of my buddy.
387
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,041
We'll be done when it comes out.
388
00:16:39,124 --> 00:16:40,250
(CLICKS TONGUE)
389
00:16:42,294 --> 00:16:43,670
COACH: Well, maybe
it's not gonna work with May.
390
00:16:44,463 --> 00:16:45,672
She's too good for me.
391
00:16:45,756 --> 00:16:47,674
I should just go back
to having soulless sex
392
00:16:47,758 --> 00:16:49,676
with beautiful women I share
no emotional connection...
393
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,178
-(SHOUTS)
-Oh!
394
00:16:51,261 --> 00:16:52,346
All my hard work.
395
00:16:52,429 --> 00:16:55,432
May didn't start liking you
because you play some dumb instrument.
396
00:16:55,807 --> 00:16:57,935
She started liking you
because you're cocky.
397
00:16:58,018 --> 00:17:00,145
And you're funny.
What, you're afraid of her
398
00:17:00,229 --> 00:17:02,564
because she plays the standing-up guitar?
399
00:17:02,648 --> 00:17:04,775
He's right, Coach, I don't know
why we're trying so hard
400
00:17:04,858 --> 00:17:05,943
to make you fit in here.
401
00:17:06,026 --> 00:17:08,779
-You're Coach, sex in a sweat suit.
-Yeah.
402
00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:11,114
If I've taught you one thing,
it's lead out with confidence.
403
00:17:11,490 --> 00:17:13,367
Follow up with comedy.
404
00:17:14,076 --> 00:17:16,370
And number trey, your home run,
your triple...
405
00:17:16,870 --> 00:17:18,080
Have great looks.
406
00:17:18,622 --> 00:17:20,707
I got 'em, and I passed them on to you.
407
00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:23,418
So get out there, you beautiful peacock.
408
00:17:23,961 --> 00:17:25,587
Shake your tail feathers.
409
00:17:25,671 --> 00:17:27,881
I mean, I'd rather not get these
compliments with my pants down,
410
00:17:27,965 --> 00:17:29,341
but appreciate it.
411
00:17:29,883 --> 00:17:32,594
Paul, you don't have to do this
if you don't want to.
412
00:17:32,678 --> 00:17:34,388
You don't have to clown for these people.
413
00:17:34,471 --> 00:17:35,472
Yes, you do.
414
00:17:35,848 --> 00:17:38,183
-She said...
-Open yourself up to the journey.
415
00:17:38,267 --> 00:17:40,644
Look, if Taylor Swift can
live alone in New York,
416
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:42,104
just think what you can do.
417
00:17:43,647 --> 00:17:45,399
The only thing stopping you is you.
418
00:17:47,276 --> 00:17:48,527
Yeah.
419
00:17:49,695 --> 00:17:51,655
Ma'am, I will not clown for you today.
420
00:17:51,738 --> 00:17:53,156
Or any day thereafter.
421
00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:56,076
What are you doing?
422
00:17:56,159 --> 00:17:58,620
I am going on a journey.
423
00:17:58,704 --> 00:18:00,622
This is my freaking journey.
424
00:18:01,582 --> 00:18:02,666
(SQUEAKING)
425
00:18:03,208 --> 00:18:04,751
-We're taking back the morning.
-(WHOOPS)
426
00:18:05,169 --> 00:18:06,461
JESS: Happy birthday to your little one.
427
00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:17,181
May, we run in different circles.
428
00:18:17,890 --> 00:18:19,433
My circle's not even really a circle.
429
00:18:19,516 --> 00:18:22,227
It's more of a swirling mass of idiots.
430
00:18:22,686 --> 00:18:24,229
But, uh, that's me.
431
00:18:24,313 --> 00:18:26,815
Yeah, you didn't have to come back in here
to tell me you were an idiot.
432
00:18:26,899 --> 00:18:30,777
No. What I need to tell you is I like you.
433
00:18:31,695 --> 00:18:33,030
And that, um...
434
00:18:33,989 --> 00:18:35,490
And that I hate classical music.
435
00:18:35,908 --> 00:18:37,451
I'm sorry, I do... I hate it.
436
00:18:37,534 --> 00:18:39,578
I mean, there's so many better
kinds of music now, it's...
437
00:18:39,661 --> 00:18:41,121
-Okay.
-You know?
438
00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:42,706
But if you're playing it,
I want to listen.
439
00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:45,709
-'Cause you mean a lot to me.
-All right.
440
00:18:50,589 --> 00:18:53,091
I'm gonna play you a song,
and if you can name it...
441
00:18:53,175 --> 00:18:55,052
-(SIGHS)
-...then we can give this another shot.
442
00:18:55,135 --> 00:18:57,304
If you don't want to do this,
just... It's... I'm fine.
443
00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:59,848
(PLAYS JOHNNY PEARSON'S "HEAVY ACTION")
444
00:19:13,153 --> 00:19:14,363
That's Monday Night Football!
445
00:19:14,738 --> 00:19:16,073
Yeah, I learned it for you.
446
00:19:20,953 --> 00:19:22,829
-All right. Oh.
-Oh, sorry.
447
00:19:22,913 --> 00:19:24,122
That poked me.
448
00:19:25,832 --> 00:19:27,334
Okay. No, just don't touch it,
don't touch it.
449
00:19:27,417 --> 00:19:28,418
Okay, okay, okay.
450
00:19:28,502 --> 00:19:29,545
-But okay.
-Okay.
451
00:19:40,639 --> 00:19:42,349
-Los Angeles!
-(SHOES SQUEAKING)
452
00:19:42,432 --> 00:19:46,478
We are sluts and we are clowns!
But we are not losers!
453
00:19:46,562 --> 00:19:47,771
-We are not losers!
-Yes!
454
00:19:47,938 --> 00:19:49,147
No, we're adventurers!
455
00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:51,483
Shame, shame, I know your name.
456
00:19:51,567 --> 00:19:53,527
Ah... Yo, Nicholas!
457
00:19:53,610 --> 00:19:57,114
Hey, Genzlinger! I miss you, man!
Great shoes!
458
00:19:57,197 --> 00:19:58,615
Guess what, guys, I'm still here.
459
00:19:58,824 --> 00:20:00,158
Take that, Lyme's disease!
460
00:20:00,242 --> 00:20:02,786
Cecilia, what is that shirt?
"The man, the legend"?
461
00:20:02,870 --> 00:20:04,454
Oh, I think you've met the legend.
462
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:06,164
Hey, you guys want a ride?
463
00:20:06,248 --> 00:20:07,249
-Yeah!
-Nah!
464
00:20:07,332 --> 00:20:08,375
No.
465
00:20:08,959 --> 00:20:10,669
No, we've made it this far.
466
00:20:10,836 --> 00:20:12,296
We're just gonna carry on through.
467
00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:13,839
-Yeah, that's right, that's right.
-Yeah.
468
00:20:13,922 --> 00:20:15,257
Take that, City of Angels!
469
00:20:15,883 --> 00:20:17,426
For the true angels are we!
470
00:20:17,509 --> 00:20:18,510
Yes!
471
00:20:18,594 --> 00:20:20,470
Charisma, we didn't waste your blow-out!
472
00:20:20,554 --> 00:20:23,849
I know we are having a moment here.
Just take it down a notch, Jess.
473
00:20:24,057 --> 00:20:25,267
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
474
00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:26,351
Oh, thank God we made it.
475
00:20:26,435 --> 00:20:27,519
BEARCLAW: Uh, Jess.
476
00:20:28,020 --> 00:20:30,439
You forgot your purse.
I didn't look inside.
477
00:20:30,689 --> 00:20:32,274
(WHISPERING) But I did feel around.
478
00:20:32,357 --> 00:20:33,483
Thanks, Bearclaw.
479
00:20:34,610 --> 00:20:35,819
(UKULELE PLAYING)
480
00:20:37,070 --> 00:20:38,822
(SINGING)
The forest is very lonely
481
00:20:38,906 --> 00:20:40,866
For a thing like he
482
00:20:40,949 --> 00:20:42,993
(SINGING)
I'm a gay wolf
483
00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:44,786
(SINGING)
He's a gay wolf
484
00:20:45,579 --> 00:20:46,914
The creatures of the forest...
485
00:20:46,997 --> 00:20:48,081
COACH: No, don't go out there, don't.
486
00:20:48,165 --> 00:20:49,166
...are set in their ways
487
00:20:49,249 --> 00:20:50,250
Oh.
488
00:20:50,334 --> 00:20:53,587
It's very hard to be an animal gay
489
00:20:53,670 --> 00:20:54,671
Today
490
00:20:55,047 --> 00:20:57,883
-This is super embarrassing.
-Yeah.
491
00:20:57,966 --> 00:20:58,967
Today
492
00:20:59,051 --> 00:21:00,844
(HOWLS)
493
00:21:00,928 --> 00:21:02,095
It's why I didn't want
to come out here.
494
00:21:03,805 --> 00:21:06,350
We should go to a minor next
to really feel the sadness
495
00:21:06,433 --> 00:21:07,476
-and isolation.
-No.
496
00:21:07,559 --> 00:21:08,769
Yeah, he just wants to be accepted, May.
497
00:21:08,852 --> 00:21:10,270
Yeah, got it, love that.
498
00:21:10,938 --> 00:21:12,731
JESS: (SINGING)
He runs with the pack
499
00:21:13,232 --> 00:21:14,733
All day long
500
00:21:14,816 --> 00:21:16,109
Ah, this is too much.
501
00:21:16,193 --> 00:21:18,820
Inside of him is a sad, sad song
502
00:21:18,904 --> 00:21:22,824
He's a gay wolf all alone
503
00:21:23,534 --> 00:21:24,785
But wait
504
00:21:25,077 --> 00:21:27,412
I'm a gay wolf, too
505
00:21:27,829 --> 00:21:31,375
Would you like to eat
some wolf Chinese food?
506
00:21:31,875 --> 00:21:34,002
Only if it's gay
507
00:21:34,795 --> 00:21:38,632
-Clap now. Clap now. Thank you.
-(SCATTERED CLAPPING)
38605
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