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1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,794
-(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Hello!
-COACH: Hey.
2
00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:06,507
-Hi.
-Happy St. Valentine's Day, mates.
3
00:00:07,090 --> 00:00:11,887
I just spent the week at Ryan's,
and it was absolutely lovely.
4
00:00:11,970 --> 00:00:13,597
Fake accent, smug attitude.
5
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:16,308
This is exactly why
the teachers have turned on Jyan.
6
00:00:16,391 --> 00:00:18,936
Jyan? Come on!
7
00:00:19,269 --> 00:00:21,438
You chose the worst parts
of both our names.
8
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:23,273
-That's why we chose it.
-Haters gonna "H."
9
00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:25,192
That's why Ryan has to find a new job.
10
00:00:25,275 --> 00:00:27,069
You know, I hear Elijah Wood's
looking for a stunt double.
11
00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:28,570
(ALL LAUGHING)
12
00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:30,072
He's so small!
13
00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:32,157
Get back in that tree
and make me some cookies, Ryan!
14
00:00:32,241 --> 00:00:34,368
-Cookies!
-I know, so hot, right?
15
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:38,997
Anyway, what's going on
in your little lives?
16
00:00:39,081 --> 00:00:40,666
Well, I'm just enjoying
the fruits of dating
17
00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:42,501
a semi-powerful local politician.
18
00:00:42,584 --> 00:00:45,546
Tonight, it's a Valentine's Day
cardiologists' soiree.
19
00:00:45,921 --> 00:00:47,464
-Check that out.
-Ew!
20
00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:48,757
-Oh, my goodness.
-Is that the invitation?
21
00:00:48,841 --> 00:00:50,551
-Wait, that's a real heart?
-Looks like meat.
22
00:00:50,634 --> 00:00:52,553
-It's not shaped like this?
-Yeah, well, you know,
23
00:00:52,678 --> 00:00:55,681
the cardiologists feel that
the traditional cartoon heart,
24
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,683
-promotes ignorance.
-That's gross.
25
00:00:57,766 --> 00:01:00,352
Where's Nick? How is he handling
the breakup with Kai?
26
00:01:00,435 --> 00:01:02,229
I don't know. I haven't seen Fat Fat Fatty
in a long time.
27
00:01:02,312 --> 00:01:03,981
-Yeah, me, either.
-I haven't seen him since the breakup.
28
00:01:04,439 --> 00:01:05,816
You live in the same room as him.
29
00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:07,150
I've been crashing in your room
while you're away.
30
00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:10,320
-Is Nick missing?
-No, he is not.
31
00:01:10,529 --> 00:01:11,864
-Oh, boy.
-(CHUCKLES) Hey.
32
00:01:11,947 --> 00:01:13,198
SCHMIDT: Oh, wow.
COACH: You look terrible.
33
00:01:13,282 --> 00:01:15,450
-Hey, Nick. Are you covered in gravy?
-Nope.
34
00:01:15,784 --> 00:01:20,122
I've been in my room for the last week
sleeping and thinking
35
00:01:20,497 --> 00:01:23,500
and really getting into
the comic strip Cathy.
36
00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:26,211
Oh, so really excited
that we can finally talk about Cathy.
37
00:01:26,336 --> 00:01:27,754
When she's mad, she says, "Ack."
38
00:01:27,838 --> 00:01:29,173
-Ack.
-Ack.
39
00:01:29,256 --> 00:01:31,133
-Ack!
-Nick, why would you come out here?
40
00:01:31,216 --> 00:01:32,551
Sounds like you were doing
pretty good in there.
41
00:01:32,634 --> 00:01:33,760
Doug's Ale House.
42
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:37,222
-The new bar on Sixth and Spring?
-No.
43
00:01:37,347 --> 00:01:40,225
The exact coordinates
to complete my bar crawl
44
00:01:40,309 --> 00:01:42,978
that I've been working on
for almost a decade.
45
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:44,188
-What?
-Ooh.
46
00:01:44,271 --> 00:01:46,523
-SCHMIDT: Big day.
-Thanks. And guess what? Good news.
47
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,859
(IMITATES DRUMROLL)
48
00:01:49,318 --> 00:01:51,612
-It's tonight! Who's in?
-Oh.
49
00:01:51,695 --> 00:01:54,114
You know, I'm on call at the station
tonight, so I can't really drink, so...
50
00:01:54,239 --> 00:01:55,490
Fawn's speaking at a cardiologist event.
51
00:01:55,574 --> 00:01:58,118
Ryan and I have a reservation
at a really fancy restaurant, so...
52
00:01:58,202 --> 00:02:01,914
You're probably thinking,
"Oh, a bar crawl on Valentine's Day.
53
00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:05,209
"Is this about Nick's breakup
with Kai?" No.
54
00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:06,960
-Yeah.
-Now you might be asking yourself,
55
00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:09,338
"Is attendance really mandatory?"
56
00:02:10,214 --> 00:02:11,256
You bet it is.
57
00:02:12,591 --> 00:02:13,675
Bar crawl!
58
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:15,636
Hmm.
59
00:02:15,719 --> 00:02:17,179
He's about to crack.
We have to go tonight.
60
00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:19,264
So I have news about a bar cr...
61
00:02:20,015 --> 00:02:22,059
Was I just out here
talking to you guys about the bar crawl?
62
00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:23,393
Did I already pitch it all to you?
63
00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:25,771
Well, it's happening tonight!
64
00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:37,616
Okay, so we hit six bars in five hours.
65
00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:39,284
Wait, wouldn't six hours make more sense?
66
00:02:39,368 --> 00:02:41,078
Yeah, that'd make sense
'cause it all divides...
67
00:02:41,203 --> 00:02:43,038
No, no, it doesn't, because it's...
68
00:02:43,205 --> 00:02:44,331
It's five hours.
69
00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:48,710
Now, the amazing thing is,
if you connect all the coordinates,
70
00:02:48,794 --> 00:02:53,215
the six bars form a perfect smiley face
on the map. Look.
71
00:02:53,298 --> 00:02:54,800
You didn't actually connect
all the coordinates.
72
00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:56,260
-Oh, my...
-WINSTON: Hey, I think
73
00:02:56,343 --> 00:02:58,762
it is a really cool smiley face.
74
00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:00,430
-Thank you.
-I got your back, man. I got your back.
75
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,516
Actually, I have
all your backs, all right?
76
00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:05,519
Uh, since I can't drink tonight,
I am your designated buddy.
77
00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:08,647
Here in my backpack,
I have a list of items
78
00:03:08,772 --> 00:03:10,190
that we may need.
79
00:03:10,274 --> 00:03:11,817
I got water, so...
80
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:14,027
-I got towels for everybody.
-Perfect.
81
00:03:14,111 --> 00:03:15,195
I got small stick.
82
00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:17,614
-Speaks for itself.
-Oh.
83
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:21,034
Oh. Also, one female condom.
84
00:03:21,118 --> 00:03:22,911
It's gonna go quick,
so I'll let you two fight it out.
85
00:03:22,995 --> 00:03:24,121
-Uh-uh.
-CECE: Uh-uh.
86
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,831
Also, I got tissues for you, Nick,
87
00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:26,915
-'cause...
-What for?
88
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,750
It's Valentine's Day,
and your girlfriend broke up.
89
00:03:28,834 --> 00:03:30,711
-Yeah, it's gonna be sad...
-Move it right along, man. Cool it.
90
00:03:30,794 --> 00:03:34,006
-And the bar crawl starts...
-BOTH: Now!
91
00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:35,424
(ALL CHEERING AND WHOOPING)
92
00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:36,842
Actually, where's Schmidt?
93
00:03:37,009 --> 00:03:39,094
Well, it's with a heavy heart...
94
00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:41,346
-(LAUGHS) Oh!
-...that we really must leave you.
95
00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:43,098
-We really must. He's too much.
-It was a pleasure.
96
00:03:43,182 --> 00:03:44,266
Pleasure.
97
00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:45,559
Easy on the puns, okay?
98
00:03:45,642 --> 00:03:46,894
And you've got broccoli in your teeth.
99
00:03:46,977 --> 00:03:49,438
Remember what I told you
about eating at public functions?
100
00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:51,231
BOTH: Only use your back teeth.
101
00:03:51,356 --> 00:03:52,441
Hey, Fawn, I'm sorry.
102
00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:55,194
We should probably get to
Nick's bar crawl now, yeah?
103
00:03:56,111 --> 00:03:58,363
You remember? I confirmed it,
like, 10 times with your intern.
104
00:03:58,447 --> 00:03:59,448
Yes, yes, yes, no.
105
00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:01,950
First, I need to, uh,
schmooze some vascular surgeons.
106
00:04:02,034 --> 00:04:04,411
Got to get a discount
on my spider vein removal. Okay?
107
00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:05,954
Okay, 10 minutes tops.
108
00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:09,750
We're still going to dinner, 'cause
it took a lot to get this reservation.
109
00:04:09,875 --> 00:04:12,336
Also, we can't get wasted
'cause it's a very nice restaurant.
110
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,838
Which means, we have to pretend
to drink in front of Nick.
111
00:04:14,963 --> 00:04:18,133
-Is that really necessary?
-Oh, yakkety-yakkety-yak.
112
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,260
Don't ruin my bar crawl. Let's go. Drink.
113
00:04:20,344 --> 00:04:21,970
-Mm.
-Mm.
114
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:23,388
Mm, mmm.
115
00:04:23,555 --> 00:04:24,556
(SOFTLY) Oh, God.
116
00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:27,601
Boom! I'm gonna
outdrink you tonight, Miller.
117
00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:32,022
Cece, your mouth is writing a check
that your body can't find. (LAUGHS)
118
00:04:32,147 --> 00:04:33,398
That's not an expression.
119
00:04:33,482 --> 00:04:36,568
Regionally specific to Northern Illinois.
(SCOFFS) We say it all the time.
120
00:04:36,652 --> 00:04:38,237
-Thank you, Winston.
-You're welcome.
121
00:04:38,654 --> 00:04:40,072
Don't write a check your body can't find.
122
00:04:40,155 --> 00:04:41,698
(LAUGHS) Every day, man.
123
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:42,866
-For real.
-Got to. Got to.
124
00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:45,494
-A gimlet for May.
-Thank you.
125
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:47,621
Watch and learn, player.
126
00:04:47,704 --> 00:04:50,249
If you're a girl and you're
in a bar on Valentine's Day,
127
00:04:50,332 --> 00:04:52,960
you're basically saying,
"Hello. Good February.
128
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,670
"I'm interested in casual sex."
129
00:04:54,753 --> 00:04:55,754
-(CHUCKLES)
-Hmm.
130
00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:58,173
May, huh?
131
00:04:58,257 --> 00:04:59,800
-That's your name?
-Yeah.
132
00:04:59,883 --> 00:05:03,220
Ah, that's crazy 'cause,
uh... (COUGHING LOUDLY)
133
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,264
(CLEARS THROAT AND GROANS)
134
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:09,434
I know I just met you, but your name's
already written on my heart.
135
00:05:10,143 --> 00:05:11,144
It's fate, baby.
136
00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:12,896
"It's fate," seriously?
137
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:14,565
All right, come on!
Five-minute warning, let's go.
138
00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:15,732
Dude, I'm kind of
in the middle of something.
139
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:17,484
Oh, no, nope,
you're in the middle of nothing,
140
00:05:17,568 --> 00:05:19,152
because that's the cheesiest thing
I've ever seen.
141
00:05:19,278 --> 00:05:20,821
(CHUCKLES) She hates you, Ernie.
142
00:05:20,904 --> 00:05:23,240
But I don't like her
for you, anyway. Let's go.
143
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:24,950
Wait, what do you mean?
144
00:05:25,117 --> 00:05:26,535
I just don't know what to do.
No schools are hiring.
145
00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:28,287
I've contacted everyone I know.
146
00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,372
I even checked through
all my contacts in England,
147
00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:32,457
including my old headmaster
at Wellington Prep,
148
00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:34,126
to see if he knew of anything
in the States.
149
00:05:34,209 --> 00:05:37,629
♪ Where there's a will
there's a Wellington way ♪
150
00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:39,715
How do you know the Wellington fight song?
151
00:05:39,798 --> 00:05:41,466
-You sing it in your sleep.
-Oh, God.
152
00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:43,510
Look, don't worry,
you're gonna find a job.
153
00:05:43,635 --> 00:05:46,096
I'm just worried about not seeing you
as much if I switch schools.
154
00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:48,223
Well, I'll just have to sleep over more.
155
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:50,893
Or you could move in with me.
156
00:05:54,021 --> 00:05:55,606
Did the music just get louder?
157
00:05:55,981 --> 00:05:59,234
(WHOOPS) The crawl rolls on
and Winston's got the rear!
158
00:05:59,318 --> 00:06:00,319
-Let's go!
-CECE: Let's go.
159
00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:02,487
-(WHOOPING)
-WINSTON: Let's go, let's go.
160
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:05,073
Let's go. I got the backpack
in the back of the pack!
161
00:06:07,451 --> 00:06:10,495
Hey, so listen,
can't make the crawl. Bummed.
162
00:06:10,621 --> 00:06:12,664
But remember,
tomorrow we have that photo shoot,
163
00:06:12,748 --> 00:06:15,292
and I'm gonna need you
to look as Mexican as possible, okay?
164
00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:17,878
It's not okay. We should be together.
It's Valentine's Day.
165
00:06:17,961 --> 00:06:20,964
Come on, you don't really care
about Valentine's Day, do you?
166
00:06:21,089 --> 00:06:23,258
I don't know, maybe I do.
Plus, you owe me.
167
00:06:23,509 --> 00:06:25,427
I ran the teleprompter
at your last debate.
168
00:06:25,511 --> 00:06:27,137
I made "Fawn is Fine" bumper stickers
169
00:06:27,221 --> 00:06:28,722
-on my own dime.
-Yeah.
170
00:06:28,847 --> 00:06:31,016
I even krumped
at that anti-gang initiative.
171
00:06:31,183 --> 00:06:33,185
(HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING)
172
00:06:36,772 --> 00:06:38,315
Yeah, I have mixed feelings about that.
173
00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,399
-Me, too.
-Yeah.
174
00:06:39,483 --> 00:06:41,276
The point is,
I'm tired of always doing your things.
175
00:06:41,818 --> 00:06:44,947
What do you want? You want a photo op,
or you want a boyfriend?
176
00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:47,574
-Call me when you know what you want.
-Yeah, okay.
177
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:53,830
This bar completes the eyes
on my smiley face.
178
00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:56,375
Miller, man, it's just an honor
to be on this bar crawl with you.
179
00:06:56,458 --> 00:06:59,545
-Just serving your vision.
-Are you guys going on a bar crawl?
180
00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:03,549
I just got dumped, so this holiday
is really kicking me in the penis.
181
00:07:03,674 --> 00:07:05,217
MAN: Me, too, man. Me, too.
182
00:07:05,384 --> 00:07:07,970
-Hmm.
-It's been a real kick in the gooch.
183
00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:09,555
Not anymore, it's not.
184
00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:11,515
'Cause you're joining us.
185
00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:14,476
Valentine's Day might be for couples,
186
00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:16,812
but the crawl is for all.
187
00:07:16,895 --> 00:07:19,022
-Yes.
-We just got our motto, folks.
188
00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:21,942
ALL: The bar crawl is for all!
189
00:07:25,863 --> 00:07:29,283
Good evening. Happy Valentine's Day.
May I offer you a piece of my hear...
190
00:07:30,075 --> 00:07:31,076
Hey.
191
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:32,452
You again.
192
00:07:32,536 --> 00:07:34,454
I'm curious, do you actually think
that's gonna work?
193
00:07:34,538 --> 00:07:35,956
I mean, you tell me.
194
00:07:36,290 --> 00:07:37,916
(IMITATES HEART PUMPING)
195
00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:39,793
Are you trolling bars on Valentine's Day,
196
00:07:39,877 --> 00:07:42,045
trying to find sad, single girls
to hook up with you?
197
00:07:42,171 --> 00:07:44,590
I'm not gonna say yes,
and I'm not gonna say no,
198
00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:46,383
because saying no would be a lie.
199
00:07:47,176 --> 00:07:48,844
-So, yes.
-I'm gonna...
200
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:50,679
-I'm gonna take these.
-Don't!
201
00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:53,390
-Yep.
-Paid $3.50 for those. You owe me $3.50.
202
00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:56,518
I don't know, it's just such a huge step
and so early in the relationship,
203
00:07:56,602 --> 00:07:58,437
and I thought that
I could skip the question
204
00:07:58,604 --> 00:07:59,646
and come back to it later,
205
00:07:59,730 --> 00:08:02,316
which is the strategy
I taught my SAT prep course.
206
00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:03,692
All right, let's do pros and cons.
207
00:08:03,775 --> 00:08:08,030
Okay, pros... I love him.
I love his house. I love his accent.
208
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:10,407
When he says "raccoon,"
he says it like "rac-coon."
209
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,950
-Adorable.
-Cons...
210
00:08:13,452 --> 00:08:15,245
His toaster is super-old.
211
00:08:15,329 --> 00:08:17,789
WOMAN: Ugh! I tried to stay
out of this, but move in with him!
212
00:08:17,873 --> 00:08:20,083
Yeah, well, I want to move in
with him, but...
213
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:21,627
WOMAN: No "but," there's no damn "but."
214
00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:24,046
-No "but."
-But, what if I blew it
215
00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:25,756
by pretending I didn't hear him?
216
00:08:27,299 --> 00:08:28,842
Or maybe it wasn't that obvious.
217
00:08:28,926 --> 00:08:30,761
Nah, she heard me. It was very obvious.
218
00:08:31,053 --> 00:08:32,554
I really hate to see you upset.
219
00:08:32,638 --> 00:08:33,931
You know, if I had something to...
220
00:08:34,014 --> 00:08:37,267
You know what, I do have something.
I have a bag of nuts in my bag.
221
00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:38,519
Do you want a bag of nuts?
222
00:08:38,602 --> 00:08:40,229
NICK: Maybe she didn't hear you.
223
00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:42,022
-You know, she's got a lot of hair.
-Mm.
224
00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:43,607
And hair blocks sound.
225
00:08:44,399 --> 00:08:47,069
It happened
when we were dating all the time.
226
00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:50,405
Hey, did you get a chance to read
my Walking Dead fan fiction yet?
227
00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:53,116
What'd you think?
228
00:08:56,078 --> 00:08:57,496
Well, here's the good news, lad.
229
00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:58,664
We have a solution.
230
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,415
It's God's gift to man.
231
00:09:01,333 --> 00:09:02,584
-It's alcohol.
-I can't.
232
00:09:02,668 --> 00:09:05,337
We agreed to pretend-drink
so we could go out to dinner.
233
00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:06,588
Are you saying that 'cause you want me
234
00:09:06,672 --> 00:09:08,507
-to go to jail for murder?
-No.
235
00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:10,175
No, 'cause I'm gonna murder you
236
00:09:10,259 --> 00:09:12,553
if you're pretend-drinking
on my bar crawl!
237
00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:14,304
And you're breaking my heart!
238
00:09:14,680 --> 00:09:18,433
You can't fight the crawl.
It's like fighting a hurricane.
239
00:09:18,934 --> 00:09:21,061
You know what a hurricane is?
Do you guys have those over the pond?
240
00:09:21,144 --> 00:09:22,479
We don't, but I know what it is.
241
00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:23,605
-You guys don't have them?
-No.
242
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,023
-They're awful.
-Mm-hmm.
243
00:09:25,148 --> 00:09:26,817
It's like fighting one of those.
244
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:30,904
And a hurricane doesn't have fists,
so just, bang, you lose!
245
00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:32,739
-Let's drink.
-Yeah, man.
246
00:09:32,823 --> 00:09:33,824
-Yeah!
-USA!
247
00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:35,242
-BOTH: USA!
-Yeah!
248
00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:37,202
USA! And also where you're from!
249
00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:38,662
-Mm.
-To show respect.
250
00:09:40,539 --> 00:09:42,541
Well, happy V-Day to me.
251
00:09:42,624 --> 00:09:44,168
Fawn and I are on the rocks.
252
00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:47,504
By the way, a pun that would have killed
at last week's geologist ball.
253
00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:50,591
-(WHISPERING) Let's murder her.
-What?
254
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:53,260
-I want chicken wings.
-I know.
255
00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:54,636
How many drinks you had tonight?
256
00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:58,682
-Nine plus three minus one.
-Oh, no. That's...
257
00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:01,435
Because I'm gonna outdrink Miller.
258
00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:03,187
You are gonna outdrink Miller?
No one outdrinks Miller.
259
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:05,022
-I do.
-I guarantee you, you don't.
260
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,440
You don't know me.
261
00:10:06,899 --> 00:10:08,901
Cece, Nick just got dumped, okay?
262
00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:12,613
He has a depth of anger and sadness
that rests between his eyes,
263
00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:14,990
and he can drink forever
and ever and ever.
264
00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:16,450
You'll lose every time.
265
00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:19,620
Hey, it's my business partner
that I was telling you about. Schmidt!
266
00:10:19,703 --> 00:10:22,039
ALL: Schmidt!
267
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:24,499
-Nick, who are all these people?
-These are the crawlers.
268
00:10:24,625 --> 00:10:28,086
The single, the lonely, the close-talkers,
269
00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:31,089
the shockingly pale, the stank-mouths,
270
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:33,050
fat boys in the back... (WHOOPS TWICE)
271
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,676
-(CRAWLERS WHOOP TWICE)
-The chubby-fronts,
272
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,637
the delusionally-okay- with-themselves...
273
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:39,640
But no one is alone tonight because...
274
00:10:39,723 --> 00:10:41,350
ALL: (CHANTING) The crawl is for all!
275
00:10:41,433 --> 00:10:44,269
The crawl is for all!
The crawl is for all!
276
00:10:44,394 --> 00:10:48,023
-I just want chicken wings.
-Oh, you're hammered, Cece.
277
00:10:50,859 --> 00:10:53,612
-Hey.
-Hey, Jess, I'm drinking fire.
278
00:10:53,737 --> 00:10:55,447
-That seems dangerous.
-Mm.
279
00:10:55,531 --> 00:10:58,492
Um, I wanted to talk to you about
what you said before.
280
00:10:58,617 --> 00:10:59,952
What did I say? I can't remember.
281
00:11:00,994 --> 00:11:02,871
You don't... you don't remember
what you said?
282
00:11:03,622 --> 00:11:05,040
No, I embraced the crawl.
283
00:11:07,084 --> 00:11:08,085
Oh.
284
00:11:08,168 --> 00:11:10,754
BOTH:
♪ When it's cold outside...
285
00:11:10,838 --> 00:11:12,047
That sounded... That's where we're at.
286
00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:14,424
♪ I've got the month of May...
287
00:11:14,508 --> 00:11:16,134
-I'm up here.
-Good, okay, I'm down here.
288
00:11:16,301 --> 00:11:17,803
Okay, let's do it, y'all. check it out.
289
00:11:18,262 --> 00:11:22,182
♪ I guess you'd say
290
00:11:22,683 --> 00:11:26,061
♪ What can make me feel this way?
291
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,187
Here we go!
292
00:11:27,271 --> 00:11:28,730
♪ Bar crawl
293
00:11:28,814 --> 00:11:30,566
♪ Bar crawl, bar crawl
294
00:11:30,649 --> 00:11:33,944
♪ Talkin' 'bout bar crawl
295
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:35,404
♪ Bar crawl... ♪
296
00:11:35,946 --> 00:11:39,408
(WHOOPS) Where my altos at?
Come on, now, don't be shy! I see you!
297
00:11:39,491 --> 00:11:43,328
(BOOS AND CHUCKLES) Oh, man.
298
00:11:43,412 --> 00:11:45,205
NICK: And mic drop. Who's next?
299
00:11:45,289 --> 00:11:46,540
-No. What!
-No.
300
00:11:46,623 --> 00:11:48,125
-Damn it!
-Are you following me?
301
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:51,086
No, I'm not following you, dude.
Do you have any nicer, sluttier friends?
302
00:11:51,170 --> 00:11:53,839
Yeah, I do,
and I'm never introducing them to you.
303
00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:55,716
-That's messed up.
-And they're real dirty.
304
00:11:55,799 --> 00:11:57,926
-Aw!
-Can I have a gimlet, please?
305
00:11:58,051 --> 00:11:59,553
-ID?
-Seriously? Why?
306
00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:03,098
'Cause you ordered
a dumb drink. (LAUGHING)
307
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,516
(SNICKERING)
308
00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:05,809
Oh...
309
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,061
-(MAY SIGHS)
-COACH: Ah.
310
00:12:08,687 --> 00:12:10,647
-Thank you.
-You have a Kansas license.
311
00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:13,650
Where I learned to drive,
and I have an emotional attachment to it,
312
00:12:13,734 --> 00:12:15,444
and I don't need to explain that to you.
313
00:12:15,527 --> 00:12:16,778
No, you don't, but...
314
00:12:17,654 --> 00:12:19,615
-You're from Kansas?
-Yup.
315
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,618
-Well, I'm from all over. Army brat.
-Oh. Me, too.
316
00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:23,702
-You are?
-Yes.
317
00:12:23,785 --> 00:12:25,454
Uh, you ever lived in North Carolina?
318
00:12:25,537 --> 00:12:27,039
From 1989 to 1992.
319
00:12:27,164 --> 00:12:28,498
-Moved there in '93.
-No.
320
00:12:28,624 --> 00:12:30,459
-You ever live in Germany?
-Dusseldorf in '96!
321
00:12:30,584 --> 00:12:32,294
Lived there in '97!
322
00:12:32,377 --> 00:12:33,962
That's so weird.
323
00:12:34,338 --> 00:12:37,841
So, we've, like, just missed each other
for our entire lives.
324
00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:41,178
And then we meet, like,
three times in a row in one night.
325
00:12:42,763 --> 00:12:44,348
-(LAUGHS)
-Seems a little weird.
326
00:12:44,515 --> 00:12:45,641
It's kind of like, uh...
327
00:12:46,517 --> 00:12:48,310
-Fate?
-No.
328
00:12:48,393 --> 00:12:50,312
-I know! I can't believe I said that!
-Why did you say that?
329
00:12:50,479 --> 00:12:52,064
-That is so cheesy.
-Oh, I hate that!
330
00:12:52,189 --> 00:12:53,190
NICK: Hey, Coach!
331
00:12:53,273 --> 00:12:54,775
-Coach!
-I don't know them.
332
00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:57,110
I got a female condom
if you need it, my man!
333
00:12:57,194 --> 00:12:59,154
Don't hold this against me, please.
334
00:12:59,363 --> 00:13:01,406
CECE: (GROANS) Oh, God.
335
00:13:01,615 --> 00:13:04,868
-Here, Cece, have some water.
-No, thank you. No.
336
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,496
Valentine's Day just sucks.
337
00:13:07,663 --> 00:13:10,624
-I don't know. I kind of like it.
-Since when?
338
00:13:11,667 --> 00:13:14,711
Since a few years ago.
Since three years ago, to be exact.
339
00:13:14,795 --> 00:13:16,547
Oh, what happened three...
340
00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:18,674
Oh.
341
00:13:19,216 --> 00:13:21,134
It was when you first took a chance on me.
342
00:13:21,635 --> 00:13:23,512
And we humped until the sun came out.
343
00:13:23,846 --> 00:13:25,639
Did all the things
that R. Kelly raps about.
344
00:13:25,764 --> 00:13:27,391
Yeah, I know. I was there.
345
00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:31,436
It was the best night of my life,
and ever since then,
346
00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:33,230
Valentine's Day has always been
my favorite holiday,
347
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:34,439
and I hope that you don't remember
348
00:13:34,523 --> 00:13:36,692
that I have said
any of these things tomorrow.
349
00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:41,572
-Oh, it's gonna happen again.
-It's gonna...
350
00:13:41,655 --> 00:13:43,323
-It's gonna happen again.
-Oh.
351
00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:44,449
-All right.
-Oh...
352
00:13:44,575 --> 00:13:45,701
(CECE COUGHS)
353
00:13:45,784 --> 00:13:47,369
Somehow, this isn't repulsive.
354
00:13:47,703 --> 00:13:50,163
It's not great,
but it certainly isn't the worst.
355
00:13:50,831 --> 00:13:53,250
I'm so sorry that I pretended
not to hear you.
356
00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:55,711
It's just that... I wasn't ready for it,
357
00:13:55,794 --> 00:13:59,715
and sometimes you mumble with your accent,
and I never fully understand you.
358
00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:01,425
-I'm sorry.
-I'm sorry.
359
00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:03,510
I asked you to move in with me
out of the blue.
360
00:14:03,594 --> 00:14:05,804
What kind of nutter does that?
361
00:14:05,929 --> 00:14:09,558
The craziest mother nutter
in the whole damn place!
362
00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:11,643
Ryan Geauxinue,
363
00:14:12,936 --> 00:14:15,147
-will you move in with me?
-I have my own home.
364
00:14:15,230 --> 00:14:17,566
You live in a loft
with four guys and a urinal.
365
00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:19,234
Will you move in with me?
366
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:21,570
Yes.
367
00:14:21,653 --> 00:14:22,905
-Yes?
-Yes!
368
00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:24,281
-Yes!
-Absolutely.
369
00:14:24,406 --> 00:14:26,200
-Yes! (GIGGLES)
-Yes!
370
00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:28,327
NICK: Home base! (GROANS)
371
00:14:28,452 --> 00:14:30,746
Barkeep, bring us beer.
372
00:14:30,829 --> 00:14:34,208
If you call me "barkeep" one more time,
I'm shutting this bitch down.
373
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:38,420
Mike, I love you, because you're gay,
and 'cause you're dangerous.
374
00:14:38,629 --> 00:14:40,297
I can't believe I used to have
a crush on you.
375
00:14:40,589 --> 00:14:41,757
(GROANS)
376
00:14:43,342 --> 00:14:45,302
-Hey, man. How's it going?
-I'm not hooking up tonight.
377
00:14:45,844 --> 00:14:48,013
I met one girl. Several times.
378
00:14:48,222 --> 00:14:50,933
-She's pretty much perfect.
-Nice. Where's she at?
379
00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:52,309
I ditched her, dude.
380
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:55,145
She's, like, relationship material.
That's not what I'm looking for tonight.
381
00:14:55,229 --> 00:14:56,897
-Really?
-Yeah, I want something easy.
382
00:14:57,022 --> 00:14:58,524
-You want easy?
-Like Sunday morning.
383
00:14:58,607 --> 00:14:59,816
-Like Sunday morning.
-Know what I'm saying?
384
00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:01,693
-I know what you're saying.
-That bitch is a Monday.
385
00:15:02,611 --> 00:15:03,946
-Know what I'm saying?
-You know what's funny?
386
00:15:04,029 --> 00:15:05,364
I got something just for that.
387
00:15:05,447 --> 00:15:07,616
You're gonna love it. (LAUGHS) Here it is!
388
00:15:07,699 --> 00:15:09,326
-I can't wait.
-Give it to me right...
389
00:15:10,035 --> 00:15:11,745
-Yo!
-Go get that girl, dude.
390
00:15:12,204 --> 00:15:15,040
-(WHINING) I don't even know where she is.
-I didn't hit you that hard.
391
00:15:15,541 --> 00:15:16,875
-Hey.
-(SIGHS)
392
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,254
This, uh, Schmidt's jacket you're wearing?
393
00:15:20,754 --> 00:15:23,131
-Yeah.
-Not to be a nosy buddy,
394
00:15:23,215 --> 00:15:26,760
but sparks are flying
like the Wright brothers between you two.
395
00:15:26,844 --> 00:15:28,303
(CHUCKLES) And I would know.
396
00:15:28,387 --> 00:15:30,681
I have their biography
here in my backpack.
397
00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:33,892
I care about Schmidt,
but just as a friend, all right?
398
00:15:34,643 --> 00:15:37,771
Look me in the eyes, and tell me
you don't have feelings for Schmidt.
399
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:44,695
I don't have feelings for him.
400
00:15:44,778 --> 00:15:46,321
Dude, you are nowhere near my eyes.
401
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,073
Nobody hit on me. I'm taken.
402
00:15:48,156 --> 00:15:49,867
-MAN: Hey, baby.
-Don't talk to me. I'm a councilwoman.
403
00:15:50,409 --> 00:15:51,410
Schmidt?
404
00:15:51,827 --> 00:15:52,995
Did the whole crawl to find you.
405
00:15:53,370 --> 00:15:55,372
I'm cold, I'm tired, I'm sober.
406
00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:58,000
I'm wearing my strapless bra like a belt.
But I know what I want.
407
00:15:59,418 --> 00:16:02,129
I want you. I want you to be my boyfriend.
408
00:16:03,922 --> 00:16:07,259
As much as I want a commuter lane
to Costa Mesa!
409
00:16:07,342 --> 00:16:09,803
-(CROWD WHOOPS)
-Vote Moscato!
410
00:16:10,304 --> 00:16:11,972
(CROWD CHEERING)
411
00:16:15,434 --> 00:16:17,477
-What?
-They're kissing.
412
00:16:17,561 --> 00:16:19,563
I thought maybe you were gonna
say something like, "No,"
413
00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:21,690
or like,
"I miss him so much now," 'cause...
414
00:16:21,773 --> 00:16:23,859
-Last call!
-Ack!
415
00:16:24,860 --> 00:16:28,030
We got one more bar on the crawl!
We have to finish the smile!
416
00:16:28,113 --> 00:16:29,865
You're never, ever gonna make it.
417
00:16:30,282 --> 00:16:32,659
And I'm never gonna ride a Jet Ski
with Tom Colicchio on my back,
418
00:16:32,743 --> 00:16:34,661
so sometimes dreams just don't come true.
419
00:16:34,828 --> 00:16:36,205
(SHOUTING) I'm sorry about
that guy, Galecky,
420
00:16:36,288 --> 00:16:40,959
not hugging you from behind in the water
on a motorized thing! I'm sorry!
421
00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:43,587
We will finish what we have started!
422
00:16:43,712 --> 00:16:44,880
-(CHEERING)
-Yay!
423
00:16:44,963 --> 00:16:50,052
We will feast on the spoils of this night
for a thousand moons!
424
00:16:50,260 --> 00:16:53,388
-In the name of love and booze!
-(CRAWLERS CHEERING)
425
00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:56,099
Oh, no, my crush is back.
426
00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:57,935
I hate myself.
427
00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:01,104
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
428
00:17:01,188 --> 00:17:03,607
-Oh, this person will not stop texting me.
-Who is it?
429
00:17:05,359 --> 00:17:06,485
Sorry.
430
00:17:07,069 --> 00:17:08,320
Oh, it's an e-mail from Wellington Prep.
431
00:17:08,403 --> 00:17:10,739
You do realize we were
just about to have sex, right?
432
00:17:11,448 --> 00:17:13,408
Say something to get back
in the mood. Say "raccoon."
433
00:17:13,492 --> 00:17:15,285
They're offering me the job of headmaster.
434
00:17:15,369 --> 00:17:16,495
In England?
435
00:17:19,831 --> 00:17:20,832
Raccoon?
436
00:17:23,961 --> 00:17:26,755
-So you'd be the headmaster?
-Headmaster.
437
00:17:26,922 --> 00:17:28,882
-Of Wellington?
-Of Wellington.
438
00:17:29,007 --> 00:17:30,509
(SIGHS) Headmaster.
439
00:17:31,468 --> 00:17:33,887
Jess, look at me.
440
00:17:35,639 --> 00:17:37,975
I'm not gonna take it.
Wellington's not even that great.
441
00:17:38,058 --> 00:17:41,228
You have their current headmaster
as your emergency contact.
442
00:17:41,395 --> 00:17:44,982
Okay, it's heaven on Earth, and I love it.
443
00:17:45,607 --> 00:17:47,276
-But I love you more.
-Well, I love you,
444
00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:49,903
which is why I can't let you pass up
this opportunity.
445
00:17:51,864 --> 00:17:54,283
If we were ready
to live in the same place,
446
00:17:54,533 --> 00:17:58,287
then we should be ready
to live 5,000 miles apart.
447
00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:01,582
-Yeah, I suppose, but...
-I'll call you every night after work.
448
00:18:01,665 --> 00:18:03,417
It'll only be, like, midnight your time.
449
00:18:03,584 --> 00:18:05,502
I could learn to stay up late.
Maybe I should try cocaine!
450
00:18:05,627 --> 00:18:07,379
-Yeah! Or coffee!
-That, too.
451
00:18:07,462 --> 00:18:09,506
And I'll come and visit.
It's only, like, an 11-hour flight.
452
00:18:09,590 --> 00:18:12,885
-And then a four-hour drive to Wellington.
-That's so long!
453
00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:16,930
Which is great,
'cause I can catch up on podcasts.
454
00:18:17,097 --> 00:18:18,223
We can do this!
455
00:18:20,726 --> 00:18:22,978
We can do this long distance, right?
456
00:18:23,937 --> 00:18:24,938
Right.
457
00:18:26,315 --> 00:18:28,317
NICK: (IN DISTANCE)
This is our revolution!
458
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:30,027
(CROWD CHEERING OUTSIDE)
459
00:18:30,152 --> 00:18:33,155
-When I say "bar," you say...
-ALL: Crawl!
460
00:18:33,238 --> 00:18:35,407
-Bar!
-Crawl!
461
00:18:35,532 --> 00:18:37,910
Jess, are you guys coming or what?
462
00:18:41,330 --> 00:18:42,581
-MAY: Hi.
-May!
463
00:18:43,957 --> 00:18:44,958
May!
464
00:18:45,334 --> 00:18:46,376
Hey.
465
00:18:46,752 --> 00:18:48,128
-You again.
-Yeah.
466
00:18:49,004 --> 00:18:50,005
Me again.
467
00:18:50,088 --> 00:18:52,341
Look, um,
I'm sorry about earlier. I just...
468
00:18:52,424 --> 00:18:55,385
I really didn't plan on meeting somebody
so great tonight, you know?
469
00:18:55,761 --> 00:18:58,055
You messed everything up!
'Cause you're, like, awesome
470
00:18:58,138 --> 00:19:00,390
and that sucks because
it's like, that's not what I want.
471
00:19:00,474 --> 00:19:04,061
And you're pretty, which is a bummer,
'cause it's like, damn, she fine,
472
00:19:04,144 --> 00:19:06,647
but it's like, at the same time,
I'm like, "I don't need this in my life."
473
00:19:06,772 --> 00:19:08,398
I'm sorry. I'm just confused.
474
00:19:08,482 --> 00:19:10,817
Are you trying to say
something nice right now?
475
00:19:10,943 --> 00:19:13,195
Yes. I am.
476
00:19:13,904 --> 00:19:15,113
And I'm terrible at it.
477
00:19:15,531 --> 00:19:17,407
Is there any way I could get...
(STUTTERS) I, um...
478
00:19:18,075 --> 00:19:19,618
I could get your number maybe?
479
00:19:23,372 --> 00:19:26,083
-(COUGHING)
-Aw. (LAUGHS)
480
00:19:26,625 --> 00:19:27,793
A long number.
481
00:19:28,252 --> 00:19:30,838
What the hell is this?
Is this your e-mail address?
482
00:19:30,921 --> 00:19:33,549
Write a good e-mail,
and I'll go out with you.
483
00:19:34,842 --> 00:19:36,718
-What?
-I'm talking full sentences,
484
00:19:36,844 --> 00:19:38,178
I'm talking no typos.
485
00:19:38,345 --> 00:19:40,180
No pictures. No pictures.
486
00:19:40,305 --> 00:19:42,307
God, you are gonna make this
really hard for me, huh?
487
00:19:42,391 --> 00:19:43,517
Yes.
488
00:19:43,642 --> 00:19:44,685
(CHUCKLES) Aw.
489
00:19:47,771 --> 00:19:48,981
You smell good.
490
00:19:51,066 --> 00:19:53,735
Doug's Ale House! The tip of the smile!
491
00:19:53,819 --> 00:19:55,696
-The crawl is complete!
-(CROWD CHEERING)
492
00:19:55,821 --> 00:19:58,282
Yeah! Yes!
493
00:19:58,824 --> 00:20:00,200
Yes! Get in!
494
00:20:00,284 --> 00:20:01,994
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
495
00:20:08,834 --> 00:20:10,002
-Hey.
-Hey.
496
00:20:10,127 --> 00:20:12,713
-Everything okay?
-I'd spent a long time on the crawl,
497
00:20:12,796 --> 00:20:15,174
and now that it's over,
it's just a natural sadness.
498
00:20:15,257 --> 00:20:17,134
It's just gonna take a minute.
Just go on in. It's fine.
499
00:20:17,259 --> 00:20:19,970
-What's the holdup?
-Nick's cracking a little bit.
500
00:20:20,095 --> 00:20:21,763
Everybody, relax, okay?
501
00:20:22,181 --> 00:20:25,392
It's just the crawl's over, Kai is over...
502
00:20:27,477 --> 00:20:28,687
I got nothing to do.
503
00:20:29,313 --> 00:20:31,356
That's it. I'm not cracking.
I just have nothing to do.
504
00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:35,986
Come on! Of course,
you have so much to do.
505
00:20:36,069 --> 00:20:37,779
Nick, we're business partners, man.
We're teammates.
506
00:20:37,863 --> 00:20:40,616
You're a smart and talented guy.
507
00:20:40,991 --> 00:20:44,620
And tonight, we found out that you have
a weird, Manson-esque charisma.
508
00:20:46,205 --> 00:20:48,165
You should make more maps, man.
That's what you should do.
509
00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:49,541
You're my idea man!
510
00:20:49,625 --> 00:20:53,170
Thank you, guys. Thank you for saying
all this nice stuff. I love you guys.
511
00:20:56,965 --> 00:20:58,634
It's time to go inside.
We got a crawl to finish.
512
00:20:58,717 --> 00:21:00,886
Yeah, we got a crawl to finish.
513
00:21:00,969 --> 00:21:03,555
Now, out of my way,
I'm getting another drink!
514
00:21:03,639 --> 00:21:04,765
I can't let you in.
515
00:21:06,016 --> 00:21:07,267
You're not wearing shoes.
516
00:21:08,936 --> 00:21:10,020
Where are your shoes, Nick?
517
00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:11,813
Honestly, I think I threw them
at a squirrel.
518
00:21:11,897 --> 00:21:13,023
Everybody's waiting for you.
519
00:21:13,106 --> 00:21:15,192
I can't go into the bar.
I don't have shoes on.
520
00:21:15,317 --> 00:21:17,861
-Why don't you have shoes on, Nicolas?
-He threw them at a squirrel again.
521
00:21:17,986 --> 00:21:20,739
My map is just a deformed smile now.
I didn't complete it.
522
00:21:21,782 --> 00:21:22,908
Or is it
523
00:21:23,575 --> 00:21:25,035
a goatee face?
524
00:21:25,369 --> 00:21:27,204
-What bar is that?
-What bar is that?
525
00:21:27,371 --> 00:21:29,373
(CHUCKLES) I'm glad you asked.
526
00:21:31,041 --> 00:21:32,793
Welcome to Winston's bar.
527
00:21:32,876 --> 00:21:34,253
(ALL EXCLAIM)
528
00:21:34,378 --> 00:21:35,921
Happy Valentine's Day, everybody.
529
00:21:36,713 --> 00:21:38,632
COACH: You're like the black Mary Poppins!
WINSTON: That's right!
41344
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