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1
00:00:05,255 --> 00:00:07,799
Ooh-hoo-hoo, yeah.
I like those boobies.
2
00:00:07,883 --> 00:00:11,178
Sweet little '70s boobies.
Bra-burning, feminist boobies.
3
00:00:11,261 --> 00:00:12,554
-(LAUGHTER)
-Bouncin' around
4
00:00:12,638 --> 00:00:13,764
like they ain't go no sense.
5
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:16,600
You like 1970s cans?
See, not me. I'm a 1950s guy.
6
00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:18,727
-Aah...
-Post-Korean War,
7
00:00:18,810 --> 00:00:20,062
pre-Vietnam War.
8
00:00:20,145 --> 00:00:22,022
-My nana has those.
-Okay.
9
00:00:23,232 --> 00:00:24,233
Check it out.
10
00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:25,526
Holy cow.
11
00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:26,944
-Wow.
-Almost too big.
12
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,529
-Way too big.
-Those are intimidating, right?
13
00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:30,239
Too small. Gotta be able
to palm a basketball,
14
00:00:30,322 --> 00:00:31,698
if you want to slam or jam or dunk it.
15
00:00:32,699 --> 00:00:33,992
See, they're too
straight for me, you know?
16
00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:35,285
I like 'em going in two
different directions.
17
00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:36,370
Like... like Cookie Monster.
18
00:00:36,453 --> 00:00:37,996
Oh, yeah, like his eyes.
19
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:40,123
Ooh. Now, see, my boobs
got to go "ooh!"
20
00:00:40,249 --> 00:00:41,750
-(ALL CHUCKLING)
-Yeah.
21
00:00:41,834 --> 00:00:43,710
Oh, my God.
22
00:00:43,794 --> 00:00:46,213
You guys are ruling women out
based on their breast size?
23
00:00:46,296 --> 00:00:49,258
It's the least important
part of a woman's body.
24
00:00:49,341 --> 00:00:51,927
Unless you're a baby.
Are you guys babies?
25
00:00:52,010 --> 00:00:53,846
-We're not babies.
-JESS: I'd like to think that...
26
00:00:53,929 --> 00:00:58,016
that you guys see value
in women's bodies other than
27
00:00:58,100 --> 00:00:59,268
just the way they look.
28
00:00:59,351 --> 00:01:00,519
Come on, Jess,
you're really gonna tell me
29
00:01:00,602 --> 00:01:01,854
that you don't care what a guy looks like?
30
00:01:01,937 --> 00:01:04,940
Well... I'll notice an attractive man.
31
00:01:05,357 --> 00:01:07,776
I can go to the butcher
and pick out a nice rump.
32
00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:09,820
But I'm not gonna rule out a guy
33
00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:11,822
based on how he looks. That's shallow.
34
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:12,990
-That's crazy.
-Yeah, right.
35
00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,950
-That explains... so much.
-What?
36
00:01:15,033 --> 00:01:17,452
Okay, if you saw me in the bar
and I was a stranger,
37
00:01:17,536 --> 00:01:19,580
would you rule me out
based on my breast size?
38
00:01:19,663 --> 00:01:21,081
Absolutely not.
Your breasts are perfect.
39
00:01:21,373 --> 00:01:23,375
Now, if I saw your wonky knee?
(CHUCKLES)
40
00:01:23,458 --> 00:01:25,127
-That's a whole 'nother ballgame.
-What...
41
00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:26,628
-Wonky knee?
-You have a wonky knee?
42
00:01:26,712 --> 00:01:27,754
You think I have a wonky knee?
43
00:01:27,838 --> 00:01:29,673
The left knee's perfect.
44
00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:31,466
Uh, but the right one's got some stuff.
45
00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:32,593
-Why?
-NICK: Well, stuff.
46
00:01:32,676 --> 00:01:34,303
Um... Oh, why do you think
47
00:01:34,386 --> 00:01:36,096
I always let you take your
own pants off before sex?
48
00:01:36,180 --> 00:01:38,891
Because you're the laziest
person I've ever met.
49
00:01:38,974 --> 00:01:40,601
Wonky knee, huh? (CHUCKLES)
50
00:01:40,684 --> 00:01:42,561
Like Big Bird?
51
00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:45,355
(SIGHS) I have
a Sesame Street problem.
52
00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:48,317
This is what's wrong
with men in this country.
53
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:49,860
You all sit around all day
54
00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:51,486
and you read your porno magazines.
55
00:01:51,570 --> 00:01:52,988
-What's a porno magazine?
-JESS: And you think that
56
00:01:53,071 --> 00:01:55,324
that's what women are
supposed to look like.
57
00:01:55,407 --> 00:01:57,409
Well, I have news for you, okay?
58
00:01:57,492 --> 00:01:58,911
Real women are wonky.
59
00:01:58,994 --> 00:02:00,495
Perhaps. But, like climate change,
60
00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:01,788
we pretend they don't exist.
61
00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:03,790
(SNICKERING, LAUGHING)
62
00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:05,125
Right?
63
00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:06,335
Do you guys all just think
64
00:02:06,418 --> 00:02:07,503
you're so perfect?
65
00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:08,795
-Yeah.
-Pretty close.
66
00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:09,922
Ah, please.
67
00:02:10,005 --> 00:02:11,715
I mean, you're an eight,
you're an eight and a half.
68
00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:13,842
Everybody knows
I'm a sweet, sweet six.
69
00:02:13,926 --> 00:02:15,802
Winston, for the last time,
stop rating us.
70
00:02:15,886 --> 00:02:18,222
Jess, I know I'm not perfect,
but if you're asking me
71
00:02:18,305 --> 00:02:20,265
if I judge, you know, women
based off their breasts,
72
00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:21,808
then the answer is yes.
73
00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:25,354
Everybody knows that boobs are a
direct indicator of personality.
74
00:02:25,437 --> 00:02:26,605
All right... What are you guys doing?
75
00:02:26,688 --> 00:02:28,357
Yeah, how you walking on this thing?
76
00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:29,900
That knee is not architecturally sound.
77
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,236
-COACH: I don't trust it.
-Man, if you had a jacket on
78
00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:33,445
with a bunch of yellow feathers,
79
00:02:33,529 --> 00:02:35,739
I'd be done!
80
00:02:36,406 --> 00:02:39,243
I've had enough. This is... insulting.
81
00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:43,330
Ugh. I'm so sorry,
I know I don't know you,
82
00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:45,415
I know this is your booth, but, uh,
83
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,376
my friends are really pissing me off.
84
00:02:47,459 --> 00:02:49,419
I'm just gonna sit here for like...
85
00:02:51,046 --> 00:02:52,130
five minutes.
86
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,259
Or maybe 10.
87
00:02:55,342 --> 00:02:57,594
Fifteen to 20 at the most.
Probably an hour.
88
00:02:57,678 --> 00:03:00,514
They're super annoying to me.
89
00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:01,765
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
90
00:03:01,849 --> 00:03:04,101
-(LAUGHS)
-Why are you mad at your friends?
91
00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:06,311
They're so shallow. They're like...
92
00:03:06,395 --> 00:03:08,689
They say that they have
a boob shape preference,
93
00:03:08,772 --> 00:03:11,275
but when the chips are down,
they'll take anything.
94
00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:13,777
So would it be bad
95
00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:16,738
if I told you that I think you're hot?
96
00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:18,365
Shut your gross, beautiful face.
97
00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:20,200
No, I'd love it. Thank you.
98
00:03:20,284 --> 00:03:22,953
-Hi. I'm Matt.
-I'm Jessica.
99
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,037
Pleasure to meet you.
100
00:03:24,121 --> 00:03:26,790
-Mmm.
-Hey, you, uh,
101
00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:29,001
you want to maybe...
go out some time?
102
00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:31,086
Yes, I do. Yes.
103
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,212
Should I put my number
104
00:03:32,296 --> 00:03:34,131
-in your phone or...
-Yeah, that's... that works.
105
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:36,341
-Great.
-Works for me. But, you know,
106
00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:38,719
while... while we're on the subject
of stupid physical stuff,
107
00:03:38,802 --> 00:03:40,512
you know, I should probably
tell you before we go out,
108
00:03:40,596 --> 00:03:41,680
-uh...
-Mmm-hmm?
109
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:44,308
I have a micropenis.
110
00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:46,518
Cool. What?
111
00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:48,187
It's a medical condition,
112
00:03:48,270 --> 00:03:50,856
it means I'm unusually small.
113
00:03:52,608 --> 00:03:54,693
Technically, "micro."
114
00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:56,153
Well...
115
00:03:57,112 --> 00:03:59,198
lucky for you...
116
00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:03,410
my eyes are bigger than my stomach.
117
00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:06,455
I don't know... what that means.
118
00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:08,540
But I'm free tomorrow night.
119
00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:10,751
(SINGING) Who's that girl?
120
00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:11,835
Who's that girl?
121
00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:12,920
It's Jess!
122
00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:20,010
COACH: It's an actual medical condition.
123
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:21,220
Here's a webpage all about it.
124
00:04:21,345 --> 00:04:23,514
I don't know what
I'm looking at. Where is the...
125
00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:26,016
It's right there. I think. Yeah.
126
00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:27,351
No.
127
00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:34,983
It's like a single tent in a...
128
00:04:35,067 --> 00:04:37,778
a vast, dark forest.
129
00:04:41,323 --> 00:04:42,824
It's like the letter "I" floating around
130
00:04:42,908 --> 00:04:44,535
in a bowl of alphabet soup.
131
00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:48,080
Oh, that's awesome,
an anteater's being born.
132
00:04:48,163 --> 00:04:50,457
Winston, it's a micropenis, bro.
133
00:04:50,874 --> 00:04:52,876
That's a grown man?
134
00:04:53,544 --> 00:04:55,921
Oh, my goodness.
135
00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:57,089
Oh, my God.
136
00:04:58,048 --> 00:05:00,384
Come on, guys, stop it.
137
00:05:00,509 --> 00:05:02,594
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
138
00:05:02,678 --> 00:05:06,431
Are you honestly going on a date
with somebody who has one of these?
139
00:05:06,515 --> 00:05:09,226
Yes, I am, 'cause I don't care
what a guy's body looks like.
140
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:10,435
You know what revs me up?
141
00:05:10,519 --> 00:05:13,397
A fertile mind and a gentle spirit.
142
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:16,275
-A nice, smart guy...
-How do you know he's nice?
143
00:05:16,358 --> 00:05:17,609
You barely know him.
144
00:05:17,693 --> 00:05:18,819
Man made it through
middle school with that
145
00:05:18,902 --> 00:05:20,487
ghoulish raisin. He's a hero.
146
00:05:20,571 --> 00:05:22,489
I bet you're not gonna
last a week with this guy.
147
00:05:22,573 --> 00:05:24,074
I bet I last at least a month.
148
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:26,535
-You want to put some money down?
-Oh, absolutely.
149
00:05:26,618 --> 00:05:27,661
-500 bucks.
-All right.
150
00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:29,580
-WINSTON: Wow.
-Great.
151
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:31,039
-Wow.
-You said yeah?
152
00:05:31,123 --> 00:05:33,584
If I date him a month,
then you will donate 500 bucks
153
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:37,004
to the National Organization for
Women's Love Your Body campaign.
154
00:05:37,129 --> 00:05:38,463
And if you win,
155
00:05:38,547 --> 00:05:40,424
I will get you a subscription
156
00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:42,009
to the porn site of your choosing.
157
00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:43,093
-Really?
-Yeah.
158
00:05:43,177 --> 00:05:44,595
(ALL SPEAKING QUIETLY)
159
00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:45,804
WINSTON: Nubile Nubian Butts.
160
00:05:45,888 --> 00:05:47,556
-SCHMIDT: Shut up, Winston.
-No, dude.
161
00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:48,932
We're gonna go with Ass Chat.
162
00:05:49,016 --> 00:05:50,934
Ass Chat? Come on,
163
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:52,561
what is that,
two butts talking to each other?
164
00:05:52,644 --> 00:05:53,645
It's not butts talking to each other.
165
00:05:53,729 --> 00:05:54,730
No, it's a lot of categories.
166
00:05:54,813 --> 00:05:56,732
I'd like you to realize, someday,
167
00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:59,026
that a nice, sweet guy who just
168
00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:01,111
happens to have a lil' squeaker
169
00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:04,031
is just as attractive
as a guy with a blue-ribbon hog
170
00:06:04,114 --> 00:06:05,115
that's ready for market.
171
00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:06,700
Honey, if you have a
blue-ribbon hog, you don't
172
00:06:06,783 --> 00:06:09,578
take it to the market,
you breed that pig. (LAUGHS)
173
00:06:09,661 --> 00:06:11,121
-'Cause what's he gonna do at the market?
-JESS: Shut up, Nick.
174
00:06:11,205 --> 00:06:12,497
-You know what I mean?
-Winston, honestly...
175
00:06:12,581 --> 00:06:14,124
I'm sure the National
Organization of Women
176
00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:15,834
will look forward to your donation.
177
00:06:15,918 --> 00:06:17,753
Hey, boys, why don't you push Heavy up?
178
00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:19,213
Get 'em, Heavy.
179
00:06:20,464 --> 00:06:21,965
We got us a bet.
180
00:06:22,049 --> 00:06:23,717
So then I was like, screw it, Grandma,
181
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:25,886
I'm gonna become a street artist, yo.
182
00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:28,931
I mean, most people
see a wall and they just see a wall.
183
00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:32,267
I look at a wall and I see, like...
184
00:06:32,351 --> 00:06:34,061
a goat in a backpack.
185
00:06:34,144 --> 00:06:36,647
-Right.
-Like, a ninja handing out cheeseburgers.
186
00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:39,024
-Whoa.
-A chill alien, you know?
187
00:06:39,107 --> 00:06:40,692
Well, who doesn't see a chill alien?
188
00:06:40,776 --> 00:06:43,111
-That's my question.
-Lot of people.
189
00:06:43,195 --> 00:06:44,613
Lot of people. It's sad.
190
00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:46,573
-You have any tattoos?
-No.
191
00:06:46,657 --> 00:06:47,783
I got seven.
192
00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:49,576
-Oh, good.
-Check it.
193
00:06:49,701 --> 00:06:50,702
-Okay.
-Custom font.
194
00:06:50,786 --> 00:06:52,663
-I invented that font.
-Mmm-hmm.
195
00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:54,665
Star.
196
00:06:58,502 --> 00:07:00,671
I have a question. Do you know
of a website called "Ass Chat"
197
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:03,507
and do you know if it's
socially conscious?
198
00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:05,843
Just based off the name,
I'd say, probably, yeah.
199
00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:12,307
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
200
00:07:13,976 --> 00:07:17,229
Hey! Okay, so you guys are kind
of bringing the bar vibe down,
201
00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:18,730
and I need tips, so...
202
00:07:18,814 --> 00:07:20,649
pretend that you're having fun
203
00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:22,442
-or pay for me to go to college.
-SCHMIDT: You know,
204
00:07:22,526 --> 00:07:24,903
if I could give that poor man
some of my penis, I would.
205
00:07:24,987 --> 00:07:28,031
But, obviously, you don't pull
a bumper off a Ferrari.
206
00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:29,741
It did go fast, I'll give it that.
207
00:07:29,825 --> 00:07:32,619
You know, when I look at
that picture, I think to myself,
208
00:07:32,703 --> 00:07:35,539
"Is there a God? And if there is,
209
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:37,457
-"did he run out of clay?"
-WINSTON: I just put
210
00:07:37,541 --> 00:07:39,001
five dollars in the jukebox.
211
00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:42,129
We got a Paula Cole rock block
coming our way.
212
00:07:42,212 --> 00:07:43,255
I'm just so thankful, you know?
213
00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:45,215
Here we are, beautiful as all heck.
214
00:07:45,299 --> 00:07:46,758
Normal to above-normal endowments.
215
00:07:46,842 --> 00:07:49,136
-That's right.
-It's like why were we given so much
216
00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,679
while others were given so little?
217
00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:53,056
-I don't understand.
-SCHMIDT: You know, I look at you and see
218
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:54,975
a stunning physical specimen.
219
00:07:55,058 --> 00:07:57,895
It's like you were created in a...
in a lab.
220
00:07:57,978 --> 00:07:59,188
Full of gay scientists.
221
00:07:59,271 --> 00:08:00,647
COACH: You have a perfect body, my friend.
222
00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:04,610
You're like the only Jewish Greek god...
(IN GREEK ACCENT) Hercules.
223
00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:05,986
-Thanks, buddy.
-You're cute as a button, bro.
224
00:08:06,069 --> 00:08:07,613
SCHMIDT: Appreciate that.
COACH: You're swoll, my friend.
225
00:08:07,696 --> 00:08:08,864
-No, look, I work at it.
-You're super swoll.
226
00:08:08,947 --> 00:08:09,948
No, it's something I work at.
227
00:08:10,032 --> 00:08:11,825
-No, I mean that, though.
-It doesn't happen overnight.
228
00:08:11,909 --> 00:08:12,910
It's something that I put the work in,
229
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:13,994
-just like you do.
-You look good, dude.
230
00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:15,579
SCHMIDT: We're blessed, the two of us.
231
00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:16,663
COACH: Beyond blessed.
232
00:08:16,747 --> 00:08:18,498
Just... I feel like
we should be doing more
233
00:08:18,582 --> 00:08:20,042
to share our beauty with the world.
234
00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:22,085
-Right?
-It's frustrating.
235
00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:24,087
-It's fru... it's frustrating.
-So frustrating.
236
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:25,172
Let me ask you something, guys,
237
00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:26,715
have you ever considered modeling?
238
00:08:26,798 --> 00:08:29,718
Now, that would be a great way
to share your beauty with the world.
239
00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:31,303
-That's crazy.
-What? Winston,
240
00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:32,638
we're grown men with real jobs.
241
00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:35,599
Modeling is a real job and, trust me,
242
00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:39,102
neither one of you could do it.
SCHMIDT: What? Give me a break, Cece.
243
00:08:39,478 --> 00:08:40,521
I could model in my sleep.
244
00:08:40,604 --> 00:08:43,941
Modeling is exactly
what these two should be doing.
245
00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:46,485
I bet they would take
some amazing pictures.
246
00:08:46,610 --> 00:08:49,863
A drunk baby with a phone in its mouth
couldn't take a bad picture of you two.
247
00:08:49,947 --> 00:08:51,865
Oh, well... I mean...
248
00:08:51,949 --> 00:08:53,200
I mean, I mean.
249
00:08:54,993 --> 00:08:55,994
Nick.
250
00:08:56,078 --> 00:08:57,996
-Yeah.
-Nick, um,
251
00:08:58,080 --> 00:08:59,790
uh, I need out of the bet.
252
00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:03,043
Yeah. No, seriously, 'cause, um,
he's coming out of the bathroom soon,
253
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:05,337
and, um, he's actually... He's the worst.
254
00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:07,214
So the date's not going well.
255
00:09:07,297 --> 00:09:09,258
I know what you're thinking.
It's not 'cause of the thing.
256
00:09:09,341 --> 00:09:10,634
First of all, he's a street artist.
257
00:09:10,717 --> 00:09:11,718
-Mmm!
-Second of all,
258
00:09:11,802 --> 00:09:14,763
-he called a Scotch on the rocks a Sko Ro.
-Ooh, that hurts.
259
00:09:14,847 --> 00:09:16,306
I can't date him for a month,
like, I can't even spend
260
00:09:16,390 --> 00:09:18,141
-like, five minutes with him.
-Right. I get it.
261
00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:19,935
So, you have to let me
out of the bet, please.
262
00:09:20,018 --> 00:09:22,563
You're saying a lot of words,
but all I'm hearing is,
263
00:09:22,646 --> 00:09:23,647
"He's too small."
264
00:09:23,730 --> 00:09:25,649
No. It's not because of that.
He has a...
265
00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:28,652
he has a tattoo
that just says "Warrior Poet."
266
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:30,279
Sounds to me like you're being
pretty shallow, Jess.
267
00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:32,865
No. He tipped the waiter with
a sketch of a hip-hop mouse.
268
00:09:32,948 --> 00:09:34,825
-He did? That's incredible.
-Yes!
269
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,159
-What's up, man?
-What's up, my man?
270
00:09:36,243 --> 00:09:37,786
Do you mind if I graffiti your bathroom?
271
00:09:37,870 --> 00:09:41,081
I want to paint a skylight
on the floor that looks into hell.
272
00:09:41,164 --> 00:09:43,584
Oh... no, that's okay.
I'd prefer if you didn't.
273
00:09:43,667 --> 00:09:45,377
-MATT: Are you sure? Okay.
-I'm positive. Yeah.
274
00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:47,212
He's wearing skinny jeans.
275
00:09:47,296 --> 00:09:48,881
They fit him like sweatpants.
276
00:09:48,964 --> 00:09:51,508
Thinking of asking this lovely
lady on a second date?
277
00:09:51,592 --> 00:09:53,594
-No diggity, no doubt.
-(WHOOPS)
278
00:09:53,677 --> 00:09:55,596
We can go speaker shopping,
drink some Sko Ros,
279
00:09:55,679 --> 00:09:57,347
if that's where the rhythm takes us...
280
00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:58,432
Mmm.
281
00:09:58,515 --> 00:09:59,933
Um, unfortunately, I will be
282
00:10:00,017 --> 00:10:01,768
out of town for the next month.
283
00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:05,189
-Oh, for trues?
-Yeah, for trues.
284
00:10:05,981 --> 00:10:10,110
Hello. This drink is for you,
from those gentlemen over there.
285
00:10:11,236 --> 00:10:12,613
You're the man.
286
00:10:12,696 --> 00:10:14,156
Skol!
287
00:10:14,448 --> 00:10:16,200
-Do you know those bros?
-Nope.
288
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:18,327
Anyway, I'm gonna be out
of town for a month,
289
00:10:18,410 --> 00:10:21,705
but, uh, we can go out on another date,
perhaps when I'm back.
290
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:24,124
Technically, our, um,
one-month anniversary.
291
00:10:24,208 --> 00:10:26,585
Jess, you're not going away for
a month. She keeps forgetting
292
00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:27,961
that that got canceled.
You're available.
293
00:10:28,045 --> 00:10:30,464
No, but you keep forgetting
it was rescheduled.
294
00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:31,590
You weren't on the e-mail.
295
00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:34,134
-Okay. That doesn't sound for trues.
-For true.
296
00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:36,762
You're not really going
out of town, are you?
297
00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:40,098
Oh, gosh. Uh, Matt... (SIGHS)
298
00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:43,310
If I'm being honest, I don't think
we should go on a second date.
299
00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:45,854
-I get it.
-Yeah.
300
00:10:45,938 --> 00:10:48,148
-It's because of my micropenis.
-No!
301
00:10:48,232 --> 00:10:49,983
I looked it up and I actually feel
302
00:10:50,067 --> 00:10:52,861
like I could make that work. Um...
303
00:10:52,945 --> 00:10:54,404
No, it's...
304
00:10:54,530 --> 00:10:56,448
Don't take this the wrong way, but...
305
00:10:56,532 --> 00:10:59,952
it's actually your personality
and everything about you.
306
00:11:00,369 --> 00:11:01,620
You think I'm a douche bag.
307
00:11:01,745 --> 00:11:04,248
You said that you thought
street art was the closest thing
308
00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:06,959
to an education
homeless people would ever get.
309
00:11:07,209 --> 00:11:09,294
-Okay.
-And I when I asked you,
310
00:11:09,378 --> 00:11:11,088
"Is that a joke?" you said...
311
00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:13,757
-Your mom is a joke.
-Yeah. You said, "Your mom is a joke."
312
00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:16,635
Right? That's kind of a douchey response.
313
00:11:17,219 --> 00:11:18,595
I'm really sorry.
314
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,766
I mean, I've been made fun of
my entire life...
315
00:11:23,517 --> 00:11:25,602
In school, in locker rooms...
316
00:11:25,686 --> 00:11:28,397
so, yeah, I can be
a douche bag sometimes.
317
00:11:29,273 --> 00:11:30,816
But I'm this way...
318
00:11:31,692 --> 00:11:33,777
because of my micropenis.
319
00:11:42,661 --> 00:11:43,662
Later.
320
00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:51,795
-SCHMIDT: Radiant.
-Yes, yes.
321
00:11:51,879 --> 00:11:53,672
You don't even need this bounce board.
322
00:11:53,755 --> 00:11:55,924
-You're making your own light, man.
-No doubt, no doubt.
323
00:11:56,008 --> 00:11:57,134
-Winston, you getting this?
-Oh, hell, yeah, dude.
324
00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:58,218
I'm getting all of this.
325
00:11:58,302 --> 00:12:00,596
CECE: Flawless.
SCHMIDT: Yeah, there you go. All right.
326
00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:03,140
Now give me some stuff like it's
the first day of school, right?
327
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,224
-Okay.
-That's right, and you got
328
00:12:04,308 --> 00:12:05,767
your backpack on. Yeah, there you go.
329
00:12:05,851 --> 00:12:07,644
But you packed your own lunch.
But what you don't know
330
00:12:07,811 --> 00:12:10,105
is when you were making it,
you got some mustard on your forehead.
331
00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:11,899
That's right.
332
00:12:11,982 --> 00:12:13,317
Now you're playing Pictionary, okay?
333
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:15,277
Now you're playing Pictionary,
and what do you...
334
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,613
Ooh, now I got... now I got
my little card. What am I gonna draw?
335
00:12:17,696 --> 00:12:19,948
What am I gonna draw?
You get sardines.
336
00:12:20,032 --> 00:12:22,659
They don't smell good.
How do I draw a smell?
337
00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:25,120
How do I draw a smell?
What does that look like?
338
00:12:26,455 --> 00:12:27,706
That's modeling. That's right.
339
00:12:27,789 --> 00:12:30,375
-Wow, this is great.
-Hey, give me five. I got to protein-load.
340
00:12:30,459 --> 00:12:32,836
SCHMIDT: What do you say we split
that last packet of Power Goo.
341
00:12:34,755 --> 00:12:37,466
I cannot believe that
this actually worked.
342
00:12:37,549 --> 00:12:38,759
-Oh, man...
-No, that's a lie.
343
00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:40,010
I would've been surprised if it didn't.
344
00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:41,845
A classic Cece-Winston mess-around.
345
00:12:41,929 --> 00:12:43,889
-That's not a thing.
-All right.
346
00:12:44,348 --> 00:12:46,642
So, guys, I was looking at the shots here,
347
00:12:46,725 --> 00:12:48,644
and they're really incredible.
348
00:12:48,769 --> 00:12:51,522
I think I could call
my modeling agent, if you want.
349
00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:53,565
I know this...
We're, like, just doing this for fun
350
00:12:53,649 --> 00:12:55,275
and everything, but part of me
wants that to happen
351
00:12:55,359 --> 00:12:57,236
more than anything else
in the whole wide world.
352
00:12:57,319 --> 00:13:01,532
Ugh! No, but my agent probably
would only want one of you,
353
00:13:01,615 --> 00:13:03,450
and you guys are a team,
so I shouldn't call.
354
00:13:03,534 --> 00:13:04,910
-Hold on. (CHUCKLES)
-You don't want to be rude to the man.
355
00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:06,370
No, no, no, no, no.
We don't want to see you guys
356
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:07,996
-pitted against each other.
-Mmm-mmm.
357
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:09,122
-Pitted against each other?
-What are you talking about?
358
00:13:09,206 --> 00:13:10,332
I think, you know...
359
00:13:10,415 --> 00:13:11,458
I'm more runway. He's more...
360
00:13:11,542 --> 00:13:12,751
Yeah, I feel like
I'm more catalog, high fashion.
361
00:13:12,835 --> 00:13:14,002
...catalog, back of the mag.
362
00:13:14,086 --> 00:13:15,587
You're... you're too big for high fashion.
363
00:13:15,671 --> 00:13:18,465
Also, my agent really loves
piggyback shots, so...
364
00:13:18,549 --> 00:13:20,133
We should piggyback.
We'll piggyback right now.
365
00:13:20,551 --> 00:13:21,552
-Oh.
-Yeah.
366
00:13:21,635 --> 00:13:23,679
-Let me get on, man.
-You get on me.
367
00:13:23,762 --> 00:13:26,056
-I didn't know you guys had it in you.
-I want to be on the bottom.
368
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:28,934
-Let me be on the bottom.
-Yeah, yeah, you're a little piggy.
369
00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:30,185
-Bottom's my game, dude.
-No, me...
370
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:32,271
You went to the market.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
371
00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:33,897
-Little piggy went to the market.
-Just let me...
372
00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:34,982
-(LAUGHS)
-(COACH GROANS)
373
00:13:35,566 --> 00:13:36,900
-Damn it. No.
-WINSTON: Oh, yeah.
374
00:13:37,109 --> 00:13:40,028
-It's like shooting candy into a baby.
-Mmm...
375
00:13:40,112 --> 00:13:43,031
-That's it. That's it.
-WINSTON: Yeah, give me... Give me that!
376
00:13:43,115 --> 00:13:44,283
I could... I could...
I can totally dig this.
377
00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:51,999
-Hey, Jess.
-Hey.
378
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,334
I know you're bummed
and so I hate to do this,
379
00:13:54,418 --> 00:13:57,921
but I want to look at porn
and you owe me a year's worth.
380
00:13:58,005 --> 00:14:00,007
Yeah, okay. You know what?
381
00:14:00,382 --> 00:14:01,717
You earned this porn.
382
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,427
And the VIP pass.
383
00:14:04,428 --> 00:14:07,556
And the "Kitty Room Live Cam Experience."
Do you really need all of this?
384
00:14:07,639 --> 00:14:08,974
Just click the boxes.
385
00:14:09,099 --> 00:14:12,227
Matt was right. I am shallow.
386
00:14:12,311 --> 00:14:14,229
It's like I jumped
to a conclusion about him,
387
00:14:14,313 --> 00:14:15,772
but I didn't have the whole story.
388
00:14:15,856 --> 00:14:18,025
-I thought I was better than you guys.
-Mmm...
389
00:14:18,108 --> 00:14:19,860
-But I'm just a superficial size queen.
-COACH: Hey, guys?
390
00:14:20,152 --> 00:14:21,737
Can you tell Schmidt that my portfolio
391
00:14:21,820 --> 00:14:24,364
is way better than his portfolio?
Look at that. I'm better wet,
392
00:14:24,448 --> 00:14:27,367
I'm better dry, my sexy baby is
way more believable than his.
393
00:14:27,451 --> 00:14:31,455
Watch, look. Mama change baby
'cause baby made a dirty...
394
00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:32,998
SCHMIDT: Okay, mine is way more sexy.
395
00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:34,249
There are people
lining up in the streets
396
00:14:34,333 --> 00:14:35,626
-to have sex with my baby.
-Liar!
397
00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:37,461
I don't like this.
398
00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:39,296
You can't use that photo,
unless you're planning on posing
399
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:40,923
for the Tiny Nipples
of America Foundation.
400
00:14:41,215 --> 00:14:43,217
Yeah, you're one to talk,
Little Miss Princess Waist!
401
00:14:43,300 --> 00:14:45,052
Hey, I'm a 26! That's normal!
402
00:14:45,177 --> 00:14:46,720
-Yeah, in Asia.
-Who's talking to you,
403
00:14:46,803 --> 00:14:48,096
Depression-era garbage man?
404
00:14:48,180 --> 00:14:49,973
I've been holding that in for two years.
405
00:14:50,057 --> 00:14:52,976
-I said one thing.
-Guys, stop attacking each other!
406
00:14:53,060 --> 00:14:55,020
Come on. He's making fun of you
407
00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:57,189
'cause he feels sensitive
about his geisha waist.
408
00:14:57,356 --> 00:14:58,440
And you're putting him down
409
00:14:58,524 --> 00:15:00,234
'cause you've got those
cute little kitten teats.
410
00:15:00,317 --> 00:15:01,902
Everybody has something.
411
00:15:02,736 --> 00:15:05,155
She's right, you know. She's right.
412
00:15:05,280 --> 00:15:08,951
Look, I grew up fat,
and I have scars that you can't see.
413
00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:10,244
And I'm not talking
about the stretch marks
414
00:15:10,327 --> 00:15:12,037
that I had removed by laser beams.
415
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:13,121
NICK: Mmm.
416
00:15:13,205 --> 00:15:14,915
No matter how many miles I run,
417
00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:17,292
I'll never outrun that feeling.
418
00:15:18,877 --> 00:15:20,462
Damn, son.
419
00:15:21,630 --> 00:15:22,923
I didn't even know it was like that.
420
00:15:23,006 --> 00:15:24,925
It'll always be like that, my man.
421
00:15:25,843 --> 00:15:27,386
Still better than having a micropenis.
422
00:15:27,469 --> 00:15:28,720
-So much better.
-Yeah.
423
00:15:28,804 --> 00:15:32,224
-It's true.
-Guys! We're all covered in micropenises.
424
00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:33,308
-No, I'm not.
-COACH: Come again?
425
00:15:33,392 --> 00:15:34,393
No, thank you. I don't want to be
426
00:15:34,476 --> 00:15:35,477
-covered in anything.
-No, it's not true.
427
00:15:35,561 --> 00:15:38,313
Yes! Yes! No! We all have flaws!
428
00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:40,941
We're all freaks!
429
00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:42,025
All of us.
430
00:15:43,318 --> 00:15:44,695
We have to support each other!
431
00:15:45,988 --> 00:15:47,114
I knew it!
432
00:15:47,197 --> 00:15:48,532
I am better than you guys.
433
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:50,242
Thank you for helping me realize that.
434
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,077
I know why I was superficial.
435
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:53,912
It's because I was scared.
436
00:15:54,538 --> 00:15:55,539
Of my micro...
437
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:57,499
No. No!
438
00:15:57,583 --> 00:15:59,710
Of mine.
439
00:16:01,170 --> 00:16:02,171
What?
440
00:16:02,254 --> 00:16:06,758
I'm saying that we should all
celebrate our flaws! Together!
441
00:16:06,842 --> 00:16:08,635
I'm saying that...
442
00:16:08,719 --> 00:16:10,345
The one day I wear jeans.
443
00:16:11,054 --> 00:16:12,347
(GROANS)
444
00:16:12,431 --> 00:16:16,101
I'm saying, look.
We're exactly the same.
445
00:16:16,185 --> 00:16:17,561
I'm sorry, what am I looking at?
446
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:20,189
This monstrosity the doctors call a knee
447
00:16:20,272 --> 00:16:22,524
that I didn't know was a problem
till, like, three days ago.
448
00:16:22,608 --> 00:16:24,026
What the hell is this?
449
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:28,530
You have a girlfriend?
450
00:16:28,614 --> 00:16:29,698
He did!
451
00:16:31,074 --> 00:16:32,743
Whoa, whoa... How can... no, no, no!
452
00:16:34,995 --> 00:16:35,996
How dare you!
453
00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:38,081
That's War Question Mark!
454
00:16:38,540 --> 00:16:40,334
How dare you do that to me!
455
00:16:40,417 --> 00:16:41,919
Think I should go.
456
00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:43,962
-You owe me $12,000!
-(DOOR SLAMS)
457
00:16:46,632 --> 00:16:50,052
Wait, wait... Jess, I can explain.
458
00:16:50,135 --> 00:16:52,262
Okay, why are you not running
after your girlfriend right now?
459
00:16:52,596 --> 00:16:54,765
Aah, if I'm being totally honest,
460
00:16:54,848 --> 00:16:56,099
she was getting a little fat.
461
00:16:56,183 --> 00:16:57,809
No, she was... That's crazy!
462
00:16:57,893 --> 00:17:01,271
I wouldn't behave like this
if someone, just once...
463
00:17:01,813 --> 00:17:04,858
(VOICE BREAKING) Just once,
took the time to get to know...
464
00:17:04,942 --> 00:17:05,943
You're not even crying!
465
00:17:06,026 --> 00:17:09,112
You are unbelievable!
Is anything about you real?
466
00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:10,614
Anything? Do you even have a micropenis,
467
00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:11,907
or is that...
468
00:17:16,286 --> 00:17:19,623
It... it... looks like a...
469
00:17:21,333 --> 00:17:23,919
little tiny...
470
00:17:24,002 --> 00:17:25,170
pigeon's egg.
471
00:17:25,337 --> 00:17:27,047
Don't you want to hatch the bird?
472
00:17:27,130 --> 00:17:30,217
No, I definitely, definitely do not.
473
00:17:30,425 --> 00:17:33,387
You're... you're a very
complicated person.
474
00:17:33,470 --> 00:17:34,555
Um...
475
00:17:35,347 --> 00:17:36,557
but I'm glad I met you.
476
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:37,850
Sort of.
477
00:17:37,933 --> 00:17:40,978
I mean, I don't know why,
but... I kind of am.
478
00:17:41,144 --> 00:17:43,230
Anyway, take care of that little rug-rat.
479
00:17:44,273 --> 00:17:45,607
He needs you.
480
00:17:51,905 --> 00:17:54,658
-COACH: Hey, man.
-Oh, hey. I'm just, uh...
481
00:17:55,409 --> 00:17:56,493
It's all right.
482
00:17:56,577 --> 00:17:58,203
I'm just, I'm just looking over
some of the pics from today.
483
00:17:58,287 --> 00:17:59,872
I don't know which one
to send to the agent.
484
00:17:59,955 --> 00:18:01,331
I've narrowed it down to 60.
485
00:18:01,415 --> 00:18:03,959
-I can take a look at 'em.
-Yeah, okay.
486
00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:05,961
Just tell me what you think
about a couple of these.
487
00:18:06,044 --> 00:18:07,212
I just, I don't know what's what
488
00:18:07,296 --> 00:18:08,380
-at this point.
-Mmm-hmm.
489
00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:10,465
SCHMIDT: This "Hot Guy with
a Kidnapped Son..."
490
00:18:10,549 --> 00:18:12,426
Wow. He really looks like
he's never gonna find his son.
491
00:18:12,509 --> 00:18:14,761
SCHMIDT: "Classical Guitarist
Loses a Shoe."
492
00:18:14,845 --> 00:18:16,388
That guy's never gonna find his shoe.
493
00:18:16,471 --> 00:18:17,848
SCHMIDT: I don't know.
This is "Cuddles With Tigers."
494
00:18:17,931 --> 00:18:19,224
Oh-ho.
495
00:18:19,308 --> 00:18:20,309
It's good.
496
00:18:20,392 --> 00:18:22,436
SCHMIDT: This is
"How Did I Get Up Here?"
497
00:18:22,519 --> 00:18:23,687
What do you think about this one?
498
00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:25,564
"Kiss the Cook."
See, I like "Kiss the Cook."
499
00:18:25,647 --> 00:18:27,566
-It's catalog.
-COACH: His lips are popping.
500
00:18:27,649 --> 00:18:29,526
There's an accessibility with
this one that I feel like...
501
00:18:29,610 --> 00:18:31,195
Schmidt, relax. I'm bowing out.
502
00:18:32,821 --> 00:18:34,615
-I want you to have this.
-Come on. What?
503
00:18:34,698 --> 00:18:36,158
Why are you doing that, Coach?
504
00:18:36,241 --> 00:18:37,910
Because you obviously
need this more than I do.
505
00:18:39,077 --> 00:18:40,996
When you look in the mirror,
you see a fat kid.
506
00:18:41,079 --> 00:18:42,789
I don't. I don't know how that feels.
507
00:18:42,873 --> 00:18:45,459
I do. It's my micro-p, yo.
508
00:18:45,542 --> 00:18:47,294
If there's anything
that could finally help you
509
00:18:47,377 --> 00:18:49,463
get over your body image issues,
it's modeling.
510
00:18:49,546 --> 00:18:50,923
-That's for sure.
-Yeah.
511
00:18:51,006 --> 00:18:52,466
'Cause you're not
a fat kid anymore, man.
512
00:18:52,549 --> 00:18:54,593
You are a model.
513
00:18:54,676 --> 00:18:57,262
-Now, say it.
-I don't know.
514
00:18:57,346 --> 00:19:00,098
-Say, "I'm a model."
-I'm a model.
515
00:19:00,349 --> 00:19:02,267
-Say it louder.
-It doesn't feel real.
516
00:19:02,351 --> 00:19:04,394
I need to hear you say it,
or else I'm not gonna believe it, man.
517
00:19:04,478 --> 00:19:06,855
I'm just saying, it's hard...
I'm a model.
518
00:19:06,939 --> 00:19:07,940
-That's better.
-Hold on.
519
00:19:08,023 --> 00:19:09,233
-I'm a model.
-COACH: Good.
520
00:19:09,316 --> 00:19:10,859
SCHMIDT: I'm a male model...
COACH: You are a male model.
521
00:19:10,943 --> 00:19:12,444
-SCHMIDT: I'm a male model!
-What is happening?
522
00:19:12,528 --> 00:19:14,196
-What did we do?
-I don't know.
523
00:19:14,279 --> 00:19:16,073
(WHOOPS, LAUGHS)
524
00:19:16,156 --> 00:19:17,282
SCHMIDT: Thanks, Coach.
525
00:19:17,449 --> 00:19:19,701
-CECE: Mmm.
-Now, go journal.
526
00:19:19,785 --> 00:19:21,286
-I'm gonna go journal.
-Right on, man.
527
00:19:23,455 --> 00:19:24,957
CECE: Mmm.
COACH: Um...
528
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:26,708
What's going on with you two?
529
00:19:26,792 --> 00:19:27,960
-Hey.
-What? Nothing.
530
00:19:28,043 --> 00:19:29,753
-Man, we just being mega-cool over here.
-Mmm-hmm.
531
00:19:29,837 --> 00:19:32,130
What is going on, guys?
532
00:19:33,715 --> 00:19:36,176
Wait. Hold... hold on.
533
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:39,471
Was all this a classic
Cece and Winston mess-around?
534
00:19:39,555 --> 00:19:41,223
-No!
-Yes. Yeah.
535
00:19:41,306 --> 00:19:42,683
Do not acknowledge that is a thing.
It's not a thing.
536
00:19:42,766 --> 00:19:44,184
Now, look, okay, look,
537
00:19:44,268 --> 00:19:45,853
we got a little carried away,
but how were we
538
00:19:45,936 --> 00:19:47,563
supposed to know he was gonna
get emotionally invested?
539
00:19:47,646 --> 00:19:49,356
This will destroy him.
You know that, right?
540
00:19:50,524 --> 00:19:52,526
You two got to make him a model.
541
00:19:52,609 --> 00:19:54,194
I did not mean to hurt Schmidt, okay?
542
00:19:54,278 --> 00:19:55,612
But I can't make him into a model!
543
00:19:55,737 --> 00:19:57,072
Not in modern-day America.
544
00:19:57,406 --> 00:20:00,409
-In 1970s Israel... maybe.
-WINSTON: Mmm-hmm.
545
00:20:00,492 --> 00:20:01,994
Get... it... done.
546
00:20:02,077 --> 00:20:03,328
I hate when Schmidt cries.
547
00:20:03,495 --> 00:20:06,415
Sounds like a ghost singing Hey Ya!
548
00:20:06,498 --> 00:20:09,376
(SINGING) Hey ya
549
00:20:09,459 --> 00:20:13,297
Hey ya, oh, oh-oh
550
00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:15,215
I want to be your daddy...
551
00:20:15,299 --> 00:20:16,550
Fix it!
552
00:20:19,887 --> 00:20:21,471
It's glorious, isn't it?
553
00:20:23,015 --> 00:20:24,516
How did this happen?
554
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,518
Are there just no laws in Koreatown?
555
00:20:26,643 --> 00:20:27,769
Uh, well, uh,
556
00:20:27,853 --> 00:20:30,731
Cece's agent saw Schmidt's
portfolio and loved it.
557
00:20:30,814 --> 00:20:32,524
Yeah, yeah, he, uh... He fast-tracked it.
558
00:20:32,608 --> 00:20:34,484
That... that's an industry term.
559
00:20:34,610 --> 00:20:35,819
So, what am I selling here anyway?
560
00:20:35,903 --> 00:20:37,446
Oh, uh, you know,
561
00:20:37,529 --> 00:20:40,157
uh, Korean-Jewish interrelations.
562
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:41,241
All right.
563
00:20:41,325 --> 00:20:42,492
I wanted to tell you that, um,
564
00:20:42,576 --> 00:20:45,329
the bank canceled my credit
card after I ordered you porn.
565
00:20:45,412 --> 00:20:47,080
That's okay,
I wanted to cancel it anyway.
566
00:20:47,164 --> 00:20:48,165
You paying for it
567
00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:49,249
-kind of killed it for me.
-Yeah.
568
00:20:49,333 --> 00:20:51,335
Just made me sad
for everybody involved.
569
00:20:51,627 --> 00:20:53,587
I wanted to give
those girls a hug and say,
570
00:20:54,379 --> 00:20:57,090
"Wipe your face,
go back to school, honey."
571
00:20:57,174 --> 00:20:58,800
So, guys, when does Schmidt
get paid for this?
572
00:20:59,468 --> 00:21:00,469
Well...
573
00:21:00,552 --> 00:21:01,678
the agency is pretty tapped
574
00:21:01,762 --> 00:21:04,765
-after spending $1,887...
-Uh-huh.
575
00:21:04,848 --> 00:21:05,933
...on this billboard.
576
00:21:06,016 --> 00:21:07,351
Well, why don't
the Jew-Koreans pay for it?
577
00:21:07,559 --> 00:21:09,269
Well, it's an international thing.
578
00:21:09,353 --> 00:21:11,188
-See? So, there's fees.
-COACH: Yeah, but you said
579
00:21:11,271 --> 00:21:13,607
he would get a check for $500.
580
00:21:13,774 --> 00:21:14,775
Yes!
581
00:21:14,858 --> 00:21:15,859
Congrats, bro.
582
00:21:15,943 --> 00:21:17,653
You deserve that $500.
583
00:21:19,696 --> 00:21:21,490
-Let's head out.
-I think I'm gonna stay here
584
00:21:21,573 --> 00:21:22,991
for a little bit, take this all in.
585
00:21:23,075 --> 00:21:24,117
All right.
586
00:21:24,201 --> 00:21:25,452
Tell me more about this Internet porn.
587
00:21:25,536 --> 00:21:27,037
Is there anything I would like?
588
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:28,121
Like something with a story, you know?
589
00:21:28,205 --> 00:21:29,456
-I don't think you'd like it.
-Really?
590
00:21:29,540 --> 00:21:31,166
Nothing about Victorian England
or anything like that?
591
00:21:31,250 --> 00:21:33,669
Oh, there's some stuff.
I don't think you would like it.
592
00:21:34,962 --> 00:21:35,963
SCHMIDT: Millionaire!
44893
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