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1
00:00:03,253 --> 00:00:05,589
-Hey, Nick?
-(WHISPERS) Shh, I'm reading.
2
00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:07,799
-Can you just give me a second?
-What do you want this time?
3
00:00:07,883 --> 00:00:09,384
So, I'm... I'm pitching
on the sponge account today.
4
00:00:09,468 --> 00:00:10,886
It's kind of a... It's kind of a big deal.
5
00:00:10,969 --> 00:00:14,097
I'm just wondering why my idea notebook
is covered in crimson stains.
6
00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:15,432
Oh, that's a fair question.
7
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:16,975
It's either sloppy Joes, or it's blood.
8
00:00:19,061 --> 00:00:20,229
(GROANS)
9
00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:24,942
You unbelievable pig person!
10
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:27,444
You giant, fat pig person! You sloth.
11
00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:29,488
You should be living in a tree
in Costa Rica, you know that?
12
00:00:29,571 --> 00:00:31,740
Hi, guys. Um, have either of you
seen the French press?
13
00:00:31,823 --> 00:00:33,200
The French press is in cupboard 64B.
14
00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:34,701
Did you not consult your item map?
15
00:00:34,785 --> 00:00:36,912
Oh, no, I looked there.
The tagine's in 64B.
16
00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:39,581
What is the tagine doing in 64 frickin' B?
17
00:00:39,665 --> 00:00:41,208
I used the French press.
18
00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:42,876
Everybody chill out.
So it's in here somewhere.
19
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,795
Nick, you know you're not
allowed to use the French press.
20
00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,505
I use it to get the pulp out of my juice.
21
00:00:46,630 --> 00:00:47,881
So just give me one second,
I'll find it.
22
00:00:47,965 --> 00:00:49,466
(CHUCKLES) Hold on. Oh, yeah.
23
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:51,802
I wasn't looking for it,
but I found my pulp bowl.
24
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:54,847
That is a crystal candy bowl
filled with orange goop.
25
00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:57,432
I don't need to sit here and take this!
I'm going to my study.
26
00:00:57,516 --> 00:00:59,393
You are gonna get back here
and clean your room, mister!
27
00:00:59,476 --> 00:01:01,019
JESS: Guys, I still need the French press.
28
00:01:01,103 --> 00:01:02,646
Winston, I need my study corner!
29
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:05,274
No, not after last time.
30
00:01:09,862 --> 00:01:10,946
-Hey, Winnie!
-(YELLS)
31
00:01:11,029 --> 00:01:13,574
You know there's an Albany in California?
32
00:01:14,533 --> 00:01:16,577
(CHUCKLES) Well,
hello, Winston Bishop.
33
00:01:16,660 --> 00:01:20,414
-I towel-burned my unders.
-I just prairie-dogged thanks to you guys.
34
00:01:20,497 --> 00:01:22,749
Stop fighting! Now the
bathroom stinks for no reason.
35
00:01:22,833 --> 00:01:24,835
You happy, Schmidt?
You just scared Coach's poop!
36
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:27,838
No, I'm not happy. I'm poor,
and I'm living in a filthy thimble.
37
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,007
I've gone from riches to rags.
It's reverse Annie.
38
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:32,676
Oh, spoiler alert.
Now you just ruined Annie.
39
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:35,596
(MEN ARGUING)
40
00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:36,847
JESS: Guys, chill out!
41
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,974
Schmidt, your people
have been selling sponges
42
00:01:39,057 --> 00:01:41,059
since the days of Abraham.
You got this.
43
00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:43,896
Nick, the pulp bowl is real gross.
Tighten up.
44
00:01:43,979 --> 00:01:47,107
Most importantly, my dad is
coming with his new girlfriend,
45
00:01:47,191 --> 00:01:48,984
and I need the French press.
46
00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:50,903
-Oh, 64B.
-The tagine is in 64B.
47
00:01:50,986 --> 00:01:52,112
64B is occupied!
48
00:01:54,239 --> 00:01:55,949
Uh, he said the tagine is in 64B.
49
00:01:56,033 --> 00:01:58,285
It stinks in there! What did you do?
50
00:01:58,368 --> 00:01:59,453
You kill an animal?
51
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:01,747
(SINGING) Who's that girl?
52
00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:02,831
Who's that girl?
53
00:02:02,915 --> 00:02:04,291
It's Jess!
54
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:11,131
How long before you unleash holy hell
55
00:02:11,215 --> 00:02:12,341
on your dad's new girlfriend?
56
00:02:12,424 --> 00:02:14,092
I want to make sure I got a
good seat and plenty of snacks.
57
00:02:14,176 --> 00:02:17,513
Okay, Cecilia, look,
I know I've been a little bit hard
58
00:02:17,596 --> 00:02:18,972
on my dad's girlfriends in the past...
59
00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:22,226
I know you stole my dad's
credit card, Margot.
60
00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:23,977
Hit the damn road.
61
00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:25,062
I don't have a car.
62
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:26,563
(WHISPERS) Find one.
63
00:02:27,773 --> 00:02:29,274
I was the one
who had to pick up the pieces
64
00:02:29,358 --> 00:02:30,359
when his heart got broken.
65
00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:32,361
Besides, to hear my dad talk,
66
00:02:32,444 --> 00:02:35,197
it sounds like he has really
found someone who...
67
00:02:35,280 --> 00:02:36,740
is good for him.
68
00:02:37,324 --> 00:02:38,408
Ha!
69
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,202
And you believe that?
70
00:02:40,285 --> 00:02:42,579
Your dad has terrible taste in women.
71
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,164
That's why I love him so much.
72
00:02:44,248 --> 00:02:46,750
Remember the one who pretended
to be paraplegic?
73
00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:48,335
Get up!
74
00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:50,337
I can't!
75
00:02:50,420 --> 00:02:52,297
Oh, whatever.
76
00:02:53,257 --> 00:02:54,299
That's the last one I met, and I'm lucky
77
00:02:54,383 --> 00:02:55,634
he's letting me meet this one.
78
00:02:55,717 --> 00:02:57,427
So, what?
You're just gonna be nice to her?
79
00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,263
No fireworks? No show?
80
00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:01,515
I'm gonna be nice to her
no matter who she is.
81
00:03:01,598 --> 00:03:02,641
Then what the hell am I doing here?
82
00:03:02,724 --> 00:03:03,976
-(KNOCKING)
-Oh.
83
00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:08,313
-Hey, sweetie. Hi. Hi.
-JESS: Hi, Daddy.
84
00:03:08,397 --> 00:03:10,274
Gee, I'm sorry we're late,
85
00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:12,526
you know, but we saw Seal at the airport.
86
00:03:12,609 --> 00:03:15,612
We talked to him for 20 minutes,
got his autograph.
87
00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:17,614
-Wasn't him.
-No.
88
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,074
Anyway, this is Ashley.
89
00:03:19,157 --> 00:03:20,158
Hi.
90
00:03:23,620 --> 00:03:27,583
I think, um, we went
to high school... together.
91
00:03:27,666 --> 00:03:29,084
You went to high school together!
92
00:03:29,168 --> 00:03:30,335
We went to high school together!
93
00:03:30,419 --> 00:03:33,297
Julie Berkman's older sister Ashley?
94
00:03:33,380 --> 00:03:35,340
-That's me.
-(CECE LAUGHS)
95
00:03:35,424 --> 00:03:37,509
Is this fun or what? (LAUGHS)
96
00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:42,431
(WHISPERING) Oh, my God!
97
00:03:42,514 --> 00:03:45,726
(WHISPERING) Your dad is dating
Trashley Berkman?
98
00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:46,810
Didn't she...
99
00:03:46,894 --> 00:03:48,353
Yes. She sexually intercoursed
100
00:03:48,437 --> 00:03:50,856
my high school boyfriend George Jiang
underneath the bleachers.
101
00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:52,316
-While you were sitting...
-Yes! While I was
102
00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:53,567
sitting on those bleachers.
103
00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:55,277
Have you ever seen sex from above, Cece?
104
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:58,447
It's horrible.
That's why God thinks it's a sin.
105
00:03:58,530 --> 00:04:01,658
Also, Trashley gave him giardia
in his belly ring.
106
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,912
Giardia is a river disease.
She had river mouth.
107
00:04:04,995 --> 00:04:06,830
Wasn't George Jiang, like, 6'11"?
108
00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:09,416
Yeah. They called him
George Jiang the Giardia Giant,
109
00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:11,376
and I never got to hold him in my arms.
110
00:04:11,835 --> 00:04:12,920
What are you gonna do?
111
00:04:14,338 --> 00:04:16,340
Uh...
112
00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:18,217
Uh... nothing.
113
00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:20,135
I'm gonna be sweet
and kind and supportive.
114
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,721
Look, peop... people change.
115
00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:24,973
People change. It's been 15 years.
116
00:04:25,057 --> 00:04:27,851
-She had sex with our DARE officer!
-No way.
117
00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:31,605
There were rumors flying around
about every damn one. (CHUCKLES)
118
00:04:31,688 --> 00:04:33,065
You remember the rumor about me?
119
00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:35,526
-Oh, that you shaved your chin?
-What?
120
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,110
Was that was the rumor about me?
121
00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:39,446
-That was the rumor.
-No. It was...
122
00:04:39,530 --> 00:04:42,241
definitely sexier than that.
123
00:04:42,324 --> 00:04:44,743
Thank you guys for coming.
It's really helpful that you're here.
124
00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:46,453
I'm trying to get my boss
to give me the new account.
125
00:04:46,537 --> 00:04:47,538
I just have to figure out
126
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:49,289
how to sell sponges to men.
127
00:04:49,373 --> 00:04:50,374
What do I have?
128
00:04:50,457 --> 00:04:52,459
I have a blood-stained idea notebook
129
00:04:52,543 --> 00:04:54,628
filled with terrible ideas.
130
00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:56,421
I don't know what to do, you guys.
Damn it!
131
00:04:57,548 --> 00:04:59,633
"Spongey make wipey." I like that.
132
00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:01,093
Okay, please. I don't have a lot of time.
133
00:05:01,176 --> 00:05:02,678
This is what we're gonna do.
I'm gonna say the word "sponge,"
134
00:05:02,761 --> 00:05:05,097
and you guys are gonna say
the first word that pops
135
00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:07,224
into your head, okay?
Ready, one, two, three. Sponge.
136
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,851
-Sponge! That was mine.
-Yellow.
137
00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:09,935
Okay, let's just try this.
138
00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:11,228
We're gonna try this one more time.
139
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:12,771
Okay? Just clear your head, okay?
140
00:05:12,855 --> 00:05:14,189
So I'm gonna say the word,
and you're gonna say
141
00:05:14,273 --> 00:05:15,524
the first word that pops in your head.
142
00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:16,900
Okay, it might be "sponge."
Don't say "sponge."
143
00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:17,985
-Sponge!
-Sponge.
144
00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:19,111
Damn it! Focus!
145
00:05:19,862 --> 00:05:21,655
I'm sorry.
Okay, let's just try it again.
146
00:05:21,738 --> 00:05:23,699
Give me a shot.
Give me a shot. Give me a shot.
147
00:05:23,782 --> 00:05:25,325
I'm gonna say "sponge"
one more time, first word that pops
148
00:05:25,409 --> 00:05:26,785
into your head. Ready?
One, two, three, sponge.
149
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:28,579
Sponge. Aah!
150
00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,914
-Winston!
-Sorry. So much pressure, man.
151
00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:32,916
Okay, you know what?
Let's move on to Coach.
152
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,127
Coach, here we go.
You're the man of the group.
153
00:05:35,210 --> 00:05:36,920
You should be good at this.
We're selling sponges to men.
154
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:38,547
Ready, one, two, three, sponge.
155
00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:40,549
-Sponge.
-Why would you say that?
156
00:05:40,632 --> 00:05:41,925
-NICK: Okay, okay, okay.
-Okay, come on.
157
00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:43,260
-NICK: One more time. Yeah, yeah.
-Yeah, sponge.
158
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:44,845
-Cake.
-What?
159
00:05:44,928 --> 00:05:45,929
Cake.
160
00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:47,389
-Sponge cake.
-No!
161
00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,183
We all know that men are idiots.
162
00:05:50,934 --> 00:05:52,561
How long have you been in my office?
163
00:05:52,644 --> 00:05:56,315
But what we don't know
is how much they love to clean.
164
00:05:56,398 --> 00:05:57,524
You're wasting my time, Schmidt. Go.
165
00:05:57,608 --> 00:05:59,359
Come on, Gina,
you have to give me this account.
166
00:05:59,443 --> 00:06:00,736
They want to market sponges to men.
167
00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:02,112
I'm the only man in the office.
168
00:06:02,196 --> 00:06:04,698
Oh, speaking of... Sherri,
you got the sponge account!
169
00:06:05,115 --> 00:06:06,700
-Touchdown!
-GINA: Yeah.
170
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:08,368
Just hear me out here.
171
00:06:08,452 --> 00:06:09,995
The reason why men don't talk
172
00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:11,580
about how much they love to clean is
173
00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:13,248
because they're afraid to admit it.
174
00:06:13,457 --> 00:06:14,666
Give me a chance here.
175
00:06:14,750 --> 00:06:17,461
Be the one to put Schmidt on the map.
176
00:06:17,544 --> 00:06:18,921
Let's blast America right in the face
177
00:06:19,004 --> 00:06:20,797
-with a little bit of Schmidt.
-GINA: Oh!
178
00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:22,508
God in heaven! Fine!
179
00:06:22,591 --> 00:06:24,051
Put together a focus group, okay?
180
00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:26,803
I will do that. This is exciting.
All right. Maybe next week
181
00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:28,305
-we'll start it?
-No. Today, 3:00.
182
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,349
Today... Today at 3:00?
183
00:06:30,432 --> 00:06:31,642
-Today at 3:00?
-Mmm-hmm.
184
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,352
3:00 today. That sounds great.
185
00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:34,728
I love that idea.
186
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:36,980
Mmm-hmm, you just...
you just earned a special thank you
187
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:38,607
in my autobiography.
188
00:06:38,690 --> 00:06:41,610
Working title:
Punting the Sweet Fantastic.
189
00:06:42,361 --> 00:06:43,737
I feel like you kind of
have to do something
190
00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:45,113
to write a book about yourself.
191
00:06:47,658 --> 00:06:49,076
Sports!
192
00:06:49,159 --> 00:06:50,369
(SCREAMS)
193
00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:55,165
Oh, it's just so great
to see you guys again.
194
00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:56,625
Will you please remind me?
195
00:06:56,708 --> 00:06:59,670
Were you there my first
senior year or my second?
196
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,797
I was not good at high school.
197
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,006
(BOB AND ASHLEY LAUGH)
198
00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:04,383
Oh, the early 2000s.
199
00:07:04,466 --> 00:07:05,717
God, I did so much E.
200
00:07:06,510 --> 00:07:09,263
Just doing E, watching that show Ed.
201
00:07:09,346 --> 00:07:12,015
I would love to know
how you two lovers met.
202
00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:13,600
-Oh, yeah!
-Oh, yeah, sure.
203
00:07:13,684 --> 00:07:15,435
Okay, so I was listening
204
00:07:15,519 --> 00:07:17,855
-to him sing with his band, The Co-Pays.
-BOB: Yeah...
205
00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:21,191
-I didn't know you were in a band, Dad.
-BOB: Yeah, just me
206
00:07:21,275 --> 00:07:22,568
and a few other pharmacists.
207
00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:24,403
You know, we do alt-rock covers.
208
00:07:24,486 --> 00:07:27,406
Oh, man, when he started
singing She's So High...
209
00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:32,870
(SINGING) She's so high...
210
00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:35,414
Stop. Because I'm gonna
fall in love again.
211
00:07:36,415 --> 00:07:39,209
-Okay, go, I want to.
-(SINGING) She's so high...
212
00:07:40,669 --> 00:07:41,670
ASHLEY: (SIGHS) Oh.
213
00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:43,714
Oh, man.
214
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,632
That was it. I was done.
215
00:07:45,716 --> 00:07:47,759
Ashley, have you kept in touch
with our DARE officer?
216
00:07:47,843 --> 00:07:48,886
Oh! Cece.
217
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:51,555
Oh. Okay, I get it.
218
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:52,681
You guys heard about that rumor
219
00:07:52,764 --> 00:07:54,558
that I had sex with the DARE officer?
220
00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:56,977
No! Only a crazy person...
221
00:07:57,060 --> 00:07:58,145
That rumor was true.
222
00:07:58,228 --> 00:07:59,479
(STAMMERS)
223
00:07:59,938 --> 00:08:01,315
Crazy fun person.
224
00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:02,441
Oh, yeah, that guy.
225
00:08:02,524 --> 00:08:04,484
Wow, I did not just say no.
226
00:08:04,568 --> 00:08:05,903
-I said yes.
-Oh, yeah.
227
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:08,989
-I just said, "Yes, yes, yes."
-Oh, she said yes a lot.
228
00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:11,575
-(LAUGHS)
-She's had sex with hundreds of guys.
229
00:08:11,658 --> 00:08:13,493
ASHLEY: Yeah.
BOB: You know, we spent some time trying
230
00:08:13,577 --> 00:08:15,454
-to total them all up.
-It was fun.
231
00:08:15,537 --> 00:08:17,915
-Killed a whole Saturday. Yeah.
-We couldn't even get through the list.
232
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:19,458
-We got to the "L"s.
-(LAUGHS)
233
00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:21,752
But that was in the past.
234
00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:24,630
And then I was diagnosed
with a sex addiction.
235
00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:27,758
-Oh, great.
-Thankfully, I attended rehab.
236
00:08:27,841 --> 00:08:30,844
Which... did not take the first time.
237
00:08:30,928 --> 00:08:32,638
-Or the second.
-Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
238
00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:34,348
But third time's the charm.
239
00:08:34,431 --> 00:08:35,682
For a lot of people. Not for me.
240
00:08:35,766 --> 00:08:37,476
For me, it took four. Four times.
241
00:08:38,310 --> 00:08:40,020
Well, Bobby, we should get
ready to go to the beach.
242
00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:41,188
-Okay.
-Yeah.
243
00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:43,398
Thank you so much for this
delicious brunch, Jess.
244
00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:45,025
It was wonderful.
245
00:08:45,108 --> 00:08:47,069
I ate so much,
I'm gonna have to bang nine guys
246
00:08:47,152 --> 00:08:48,195
just to work it off. (LAUGHS)
247
00:08:48,278 --> 00:08:50,030
-Oh, my goodness.
-(BOB LAUGHS)
248
00:08:50,113 --> 00:08:51,365
I'm kidding. I did do that once,
249
00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:52,824
but I'm not gonna do it this time.
250
00:08:52,908 --> 00:08:54,618
It's all in the past for me.
251
00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:55,702
Isn't she great?
252
00:08:55,786 --> 00:08:57,412
I just love her.
253
00:08:57,496 --> 00:09:00,582
-She makes me laugh so much.
-(GROANING)
254
00:09:00,666 --> 00:09:02,835
What? What, are you humming?
255
00:09:02,918 --> 00:09:06,255
Mmm... Dad, just so we
have this conversation...
256
00:09:06,338 --> 00:09:08,590
-No, no, Jess.
-She seems like a girl who might hurt you.
257
00:09:08,674 --> 00:09:10,926
-Jessica...
-I've seen you get hurt by a lot less.
258
00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:12,553
Please, don't... don't go there.
259
00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:16,348
No matter what you say,
you're not gonna change my mind.
260
00:09:16,431 --> 00:09:19,184
I'm in love with her,
and I'm gonna marry her.
261
00:09:22,104 --> 00:09:24,064
Gonna... get a new mom, Jess.
262
00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:29,987
BOB: (SINGING) She's so high...
263
00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:33,365
Hey, are you okay? Because
I am not sure if you heard that,
264
00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:35,242
but there is going to be a wedding.
265
00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:37,578
Oh...
266
00:09:37,661 --> 00:09:41,456
there will be no wedding.
267
00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:44,126
And it begins.
268
00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:46,879
Why are we meeting in a parking garage?
269
00:09:46,962 --> 00:09:48,755
Because what we are doing is unsavory
270
00:09:48,839 --> 00:09:50,132
-and we're hiding from God.
-NICK: And you also...
271
00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:51,967
you promised Winston and
everybody pizza, so...
272
00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:53,051
Yeah, you definitely did.
273
00:09:53,135 --> 00:09:55,345
Yes, there'll be pizza.
Just do one thing for me first.
274
00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:56,430
Here, memorize these.
275
00:09:57,514 --> 00:09:59,016
That's yours. That's yours.
276
00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:02,811
"I love sponges because they
connect my heart to my hand."
277
00:10:02,978 --> 00:10:04,646
Look, I had to scramble, you guys.
278
00:10:04,730 --> 00:10:06,773
I told my bosses how much
men love to clean.
279
00:10:06,857 --> 00:10:08,233
-What are talking about?
-Only you.
280
00:10:08,317 --> 00:10:09,943
-Yeah, only... Yeah.
-I know!
281
00:10:10,027 --> 00:10:12,196
Why do you think
I'm rigging this focus group?
282
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:14,948
"Sponges make me feel
more exhilarated
283
00:10:15,032 --> 00:10:18,577
"than any home run or touchdown
ever could."
284
00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:21,371
This is ridiculous, man. I'm out!
285
00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:23,457
I can buy my own pizza.
286
00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:25,918
Can somebody please loan me $15?
287
00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:27,711
Maybe like 20, 25,
depending on toppings,
288
00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:28,795
'cause I'd love to get a bunch of ham.
289
00:10:28,921 --> 00:10:30,464
-Ham.
-What about the tip, dude? What about tip?
290
00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:31,840
I don't give tips. It's for delivery.
291
00:10:31,924 --> 00:10:33,091
You don't tip delivery people, ever.
292
00:10:33,175 --> 00:10:34,218
You definitely tip delivery people, but...
293
00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:35,969
Guys. Guys.
294
00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:38,680
I get sponges, this solves
all our problems. Okay?
295
00:10:38,764 --> 00:10:40,182
I make more money,
Nick gets his room back,
296
00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:41,683
I get my life back on track.
297
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:43,852
Punting the Sweet Fantastic.
298
00:10:43,936 --> 00:10:45,979
For the last time, Schmidt,
that doesn't mean anything!
299
00:10:46,063 --> 00:10:47,397
Fine. But I'm gonna need one hour
300
00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:48,857
in a quiet room to get into character.
301
00:10:48,941 --> 00:10:50,317
-No.
-Right on.
302
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:53,862
After long and thoughtful
and careful consideration,
303
00:10:53,946 --> 00:10:54,947
Winston is in.
304
00:10:55,030 --> 00:10:57,741
-Okay.
-Assuming pizza is still on the table.
305
00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:04,498
Say "pizza" one more time, Winston.
306
00:11:04,581 --> 00:11:05,666
-No, just don't.
-Just don't.
307
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:07,501
No, we just never talked about
308
00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:08,710
-when we're gonna...
-Don't.
309
00:11:08,794 --> 00:11:10,712
Just don't bring it up.
He's getting really mad.
310
00:11:10,796 --> 00:11:12,297
-WINSTON: Like, delivery of...
-Say "pizza." Say "pizza" one more time.
311
00:11:12,381 --> 00:11:14,132
-Don't say it again.
-Say "pizza" again.
312
00:11:14,216 --> 00:11:15,467
-Pizza.
-Say "pizza" one more time,
313
00:11:15,551 --> 00:11:16,718
-I'm gonna kill you!
-WINSTON: I just thought
314
00:11:16,802 --> 00:11:18,846
maybe we'd talk about toppings,
perhaps, or something.
315
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:21,390
Okay.
316
00:11:22,057 --> 00:11:23,433
Not a mirror.
317
00:11:23,517 --> 00:11:24,560
Not a mirror, you idiot.
318
00:11:24,643 --> 00:11:25,853
Not a mirror.
319
00:11:25,978 --> 00:11:30,232
Sponges make me feel exhilarated
more than any...
320
00:11:30,315 --> 00:11:33,068
Did you just say "sponges
make me feel exhilarated"?
321
00:11:33,151 --> 00:11:34,903
(CHUCKLES) No, no. I...
322
00:11:34,987 --> 00:11:36,488
What do you think of sponges?
323
00:11:37,239 --> 00:11:39,408
-They're stupid.
-That's how I feel. (LAUGHS)
324
00:11:39,491 --> 00:11:41,451
-I mean, who cares?
-That's exactly how I feel.
325
00:11:41,535 --> 00:11:43,036
What do you think of this whole place?
326
00:11:43,787 --> 00:11:44,955
I'd rather not be here.
327
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,540
"Be here" is what I was about to say.
328
00:11:46,623 --> 00:11:48,542
-I'm Nick.
-I'm Brittany.
329
00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,419
Oh, my God, we have so much in common.
330
00:11:50,502 --> 00:11:51,503
Okay.
331
00:11:51,587 --> 00:11:53,088
My dad can't marry her.
332
00:11:53,172 --> 00:11:55,299
He gets hurt in relationships
with normal women.
333
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,676
-Yeah.
-He can't handle a recovering sex addict.
334
00:11:57,759 --> 00:11:59,678
-No.
-What if she relapses?
335
00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:02,055
It would crush him.
It would crush his heart.
336
00:12:02,139 --> 00:12:04,474
I can't let this happen.
I have to protect him.
337
00:12:04,558 --> 00:12:06,643
-So what are you gonna do?
-I could write him a letter
338
00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:07,936
about my feelings.
339
00:12:08,020 --> 00:12:10,731
We... Yeah, but her phone is in her purse,
340
00:12:10,814 --> 00:12:13,358
and we could check her
phone for dirt on her.
341
00:12:16,028 --> 00:12:17,613
But he hates letters.
342
00:12:17,696 --> 00:12:19,615
He always gets so frustrated
opening the envelope.
343
00:12:19,698 --> 00:12:22,701
You know you want to check her phone.
You know you want to.
344
00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:24,703
Cece, we're adults.
We're gonna handle this like adults.
345
00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:25,913
We're not snooping.
346
00:12:25,996 --> 00:12:28,165
-You're right, you're right.
-That is... that's a huge violation
347
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,750
of privacy, you can't do that.
348
00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:31,835
Put that... What does it say?
349
00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:33,128
It's bad.
350
00:12:33,212 --> 00:12:35,214
-Mmm.
-Give that to me.
351
00:12:35,547 --> 00:12:36,590
(GASPS)
352
00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:38,800
Dad, she's cheating on you!
353
00:12:38,884 --> 00:12:40,093
What?
354
00:12:40,177 --> 00:12:41,345
Yeah, just ask Jim.
355
00:12:41,470 --> 00:12:44,556
At 10:40, Jim heard she was in town.
356
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:45,807
At 11:52,
357
00:12:45,891 --> 00:12:48,435
Jim had his hands down his pants.
358
00:12:48,519 --> 00:12:50,729
And at 11:53...
359
00:12:50,812 --> 00:12:51,813
Cumin?
360
00:12:51,897 --> 00:12:53,732
What, is he cooking cumin?
361
00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:54,942
(CLEARS THROAT)
362
00:12:55,025 --> 00:12:56,360
Oh, my God.
363
00:12:56,735 --> 00:12:59,112
My dad is the best guy in
the world, and you better
364
00:12:59,196 --> 00:13:01,406
hit the damn road,
unless you want to say hello to
365
00:13:01,490 --> 00:13:03,992
my old friends Crabtree and Evelyn.
366
00:13:04,076 --> 00:13:06,745
That's my work phone.
I'm a sex therapist.
367
00:13:07,913 --> 00:13:08,956
Jim is my client.
368
00:13:09,248 --> 00:13:11,166
Your... your client?
369
00:13:11,250 --> 00:13:13,585
-Client!
-Client.
370
00:13:13,669 --> 00:13:14,920
-Client.
-Client.
371
00:13:16,338 --> 00:13:18,006
Am I supposed to say "client" now?
372
00:13:18,090 --> 00:13:20,008
I'm gonna go.
This was clearly a mistake.
373
00:13:21,093 --> 00:13:23,095
-No.
-And for the record,
374
00:13:23,178 --> 00:13:24,930
George Jiang gave me giardia.
375
00:13:25,013 --> 00:13:26,974
I saved you from a hideous river disease.
376
00:13:27,933 --> 00:13:29,434
Thank you.
377
00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:34,982
Damn it. She won't answer
any of my calls.
378
00:13:35,065 --> 00:13:36,817
I left 10 voice mails.
379
00:13:36,900 --> 00:13:39,778
Two of them, I'm screaming.
Three, I'm crying.
380
00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:42,447
One is a long silent one. Nothing!
381
00:13:42,531 --> 00:13:44,616
And it's all your fault, both of you guys.
382
00:13:44,700 --> 00:13:45,993
But mostly you.
383
00:13:46,076 --> 00:13:47,661
Look, Dad, I'm so sorry.
384
00:13:47,744 --> 00:13:48,996
Is there anything I can do...
385
00:13:49,079 --> 00:13:50,873
There's nothing more that you can do.
386
00:13:50,956 --> 00:13:53,458
I knew this was a mistake
bringing her here.
387
00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:55,586
JESS: Wait, Dad.
388
00:13:55,669 --> 00:13:57,087
(DOOR SLAMS)
389
00:14:00,299 --> 00:14:01,466
SCHMIDT: So, uh, why don't you tell me
390
00:14:01,550 --> 00:14:03,468
what you think about
that sponge there, Coach.
391
00:14:03,552 --> 00:14:05,929
I mean... (CLEARS THROAT) Ernie.
392
00:14:06,013 --> 00:14:07,347
I don't know why
I would call you Coach.
393
00:14:07,431 --> 00:14:08,682
Okay.
394
00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:10,225
Um... (CLEARS THROAT)
395
00:14:10,309 --> 00:14:11,810
Well, I love sponges
396
00:14:11,894 --> 00:14:14,146
because they connect
my heart to my hand.
397
00:14:14,229 --> 00:14:16,773
-Wow, thank you so much for that.
-I wish my buddies could see me now.
398
00:14:16,857 --> 00:14:18,859
-What?
-They'd be all like, "Hey, man,
399
00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:20,861
"let me get a hit of that squishy whip."
400
00:14:21,445 --> 00:14:24,072
Right on. Way to, uh, add your own take.
401
00:14:24,573 --> 00:14:26,200
Uh, to your... to your own take.
402
00:14:26,283 --> 00:14:27,951
WINSTON: You know,
I have something I'd like to add.
403
00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:29,453
-Please.
-Um, I like cleaning.
404
00:14:29,536 --> 00:14:30,746
-You like cleaning.
-WINSTON: It is the only thing
405
00:14:30,829 --> 00:14:33,707
I can control in a world
filled with chaos.
406
00:14:33,790 --> 00:14:35,042
-Thank you.
-WINSTON: May I add,
407
00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:40,088
I am Thor, and this is
my hammer, Mjölnir.
408
00:14:40,172 --> 00:14:42,049
M... Melnir. Mjölnir.
409
00:14:42,174 --> 00:14:45,385
Okay, wonderful detail.
Thank you so much for that.
410
00:14:45,469 --> 00:14:47,054
Uh, how about you down there,
Mayor of the Corner?
411
00:14:47,137 --> 00:14:48,305
(CHUCKLES)
412
00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:49,932
-(POUNDS TABLE) Nick.
-What?
413
00:14:50,015 --> 00:14:51,975
How does cleaning make you feel?
414
00:14:52,059 --> 00:14:53,810
Uh, like I'm cleaning.
Move on to somebody else, please.
415
00:14:53,894 --> 00:14:55,979
(QUIETLY) Read the cards that
I gave you. Remember the cards?
416
00:14:56,063 --> 00:14:57,523
-Not now.
-(POUNDS TABLE) Read your cards!
417
00:14:57,606 --> 00:14:59,733
You want to know what I
think about your sponges?
418
00:14:59,816 --> 00:15:01,026
(IMITATES FARTING)
419
00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:02,694
(LAUGHS)
420
00:15:02,778 --> 00:15:04,071
(LAUGHS)
421
00:15:04,154 --> 00:15:05,656
Well, this is clearly rigged.
422
00:15:05,739 --> 00:15:06,782
My office.
423
00:15:06,865 --> 00:15:08,367
Now, Schmidt.
424
00:15:08,534 --> 00:15:09,660
Schmidt...
425
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:13,830
-Schmidt, I'm sorry.
-(DOOR CLOSES)
426
00:15:16,166 --> 00:15:17,501
JESS: Dad.
427
00:15:18,335 --> 00:15:19,419
Thanks for waiting.
428
00:15:19,503 --> 00:15:22,130
I wasn't waiting. I just can't
get this damn thing started.
429
00:15:22,214 --> 00:15:23,966
You're just pressing buttons.
430
00:15:24,049 --> 00:15:27,094
This was supposed to be a big
weekend for me and Ashley.
431
00:15:27,177 --> 00:15:28,345
I had everything planned.
432
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:32,140
I even wrote new lyrics to our song.
433
00:15:32,224 --> 00:15:37,479
(HIGH-PITCHED SINGING)
Ashley, marry me...
434
00:15:41,483 --> 00:15:42,818
(ENGINE STARTS)
435
00:15:42,901 --> 00:15:44,862
You didn't have to do that, you know.
436
00:15:44,945 --> 00:15:46,154
I can take care of myself.
437
00:15:47,072 --> 00:15:48,156
Can you?
438
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:49,700
Dad, if I hadn't
439
00:15:49,783 --> 00:15:52,286
protected you after
you and Mom's divorce,
440
00:15:52,369 --> 00:15:54,413
you would've ended up
with Nancy Zimmerman.
441
00:15:54,496 --> 00:15:56,707
-Oh, Nancy Zimmerman.
-She was bad news, Dad.
442
00:15:56,790 --> 00:15:58,750
Ooh, very bad.
You don't know the half of it.
443
00:15:58,834 --> 00:16:01,837
-That woman made me try cocaine in 2005.
-What, Dad?
444
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:03,297
-Booger sugar?
-Yes.
445
00:16:03,380 --> 00:16:04,965
Nicaraguan yazz.
446
00:16:05,048 --> 00:16:07,134
-Are you kidding me?
-It was a very expensive evening.
447
00:16:07,217 --> 00:16:10,220
I wound up buying
his and her Jet Skis.
448
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:14,016
The point is I'm still standing,
449
00:16:14,099 --> 00:16:16,185
and I can take care of myself.
450
00:16:16,268 --> 00:16:19,980
Yes, I might get hurt,
but that'll be my problem.
451
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:23,025
You don't need to
do it anymore, Jess.
452
00:16:23,108 --> 00:16:25,194
I should be taking care of you.
453
00:16:26,737 --> 00:16:31,575
Ashley is different from
any woman I've ever dated.
454
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:33,368
She makes every day better.
455
00:16:34,328 --> 00:16:37,372
I... I want to spend the
rest of my life with her.
456
00:16:38,540 --> 00:16:41,001
Aw, Dad, that's so sweet.
457
00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:42,085
-(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)
-Hey!
458
00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:44,963
-Hey, there... Ashley!
-JESS: What did she do?
459
00:16:45,047 --> 00:16:46,840
She went out and found a guy?
460
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:48,592
She's gonna relapse. Um...
461
00:16:48,675 --> 00:16:50,177
-Oh, we have to turn her off.
-Ashley...
462
00:16:50,260 --> 00:16:52,596
-Let's turn on NPR and blare it.
-Oh...
463
00:16:57,142 --> 00:16:58,519
Ashley, wait. Wait a minute. Please.
464
00:16:58,602 --> 00:16:59,645
Please don't do this. Please.
465
00:16:59,728 --> 00:17:00,979
JESS: Ashley, if you're gonna relapse,
466
00:17:01,063 --> 00:17:02,272
relapse with my dad.
467
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:04,608
I'm not relapsing.
468
00:17:04,691 --> 00:17:06,777
This is Roy. He's my LA sponsor.
469
00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:08,445
BOB: This is Roy? Oh!
470
00:17:08,529 --> 00:17:10,989
You know, I always wanted
to meet you. Hi.
471
00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:13,951
Jess, he's not a strange man.
472
00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:15,285
He's a sex addict.
473
00:17:15,536 --> 00:17:17,996
Former sex addict.
Uh, current chocoholic.
474
00:17:18,789 --> 00:17:20,457
I'd be in trouble if you were black.
475
00:17:20,541 --> 00:17:22,209
Thank you?
476
00:17:22,292 --> 00:17:25,462
Ashley, look, I screwed up.
477
00:17:25,546 --> 00:17:27,256
I have to let my dad make mistakes.
478
00:17:27,339 --> 00:17:29,383
-Oh, I'm a mistake?
-No, you are not a mistake.
479
00:17:29,466 --> 00:17:30,717
That came out wrong.
480
00:17:31,552 --> 00:17:32,594
I'm sorry, Bob.
481
00:17:32,678 --> 00:17:35,138
I never meant to come
between you and your daughter.
482
00:17:35,222 --> 00:17:36,390
I love you so damn much.
483
00:17:37,307 --> 00:17:39,393
You're my big, round, bald,
484
00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:41,019
fuzzy Weeble-Wobble.
485
00:17:41,103 --> 00:17:44,147
But I just...
I just need a little space.
486
00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:51,071
JESS: It's not over, Dad.
487
00:17:51,363 --> 00:17:52,406
Get the ring.
488
00:17:52,656 --> 00:17:53,699
GINA: I'm sorry, Schmidt.
489
00:17:53,782 --> 00:17:54,992
What can I say?
490
00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:56,869
You're just not really built
to play with the big girls.
491
00:17:56,952 --> 00:17:58,787
-Don't fire him!
-Oh, God.
492
00:17:58,871 --> 00:18:01,415
-What the... Why?
-Give him the account.
493
00:18:01,582 --> 00:18:04,376
He's a hard worker,
and he's a neat freak.
494
00:18:04,459 --> 00:18:07,379
How do I know that?
'Cause I share a room with him.
495
00:18:07,462 --> 00:18:08,463
You two share a room?
496
00:18:08,547 --> 00:18:09,965
NICK: And you should see his side.
497
00:18:10,048 --> 00:18:13,427
It is so clean. It looks like
the inside of a Japanese subway.
498
00:18:13,510 --> 00:18:15,762
Speaking of sharing a bedroom,
Brittany's coming over tonight.
499
00:18:15,846 --> 00:18:19,224
Uh, so I'm gonna need 10
to 15 minutes of privacy for...
500
00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:21,101
I don't need 15 minutes.
That's excessive.
501
00:18:21,185 --> 00:18:22,227
Give me five to 10.
502
00:18:22,311 --> 00:18:24,855
That feels braggy.
Give me three to five,
503
00:18:24,938 --> 00:18:26,815
but no less than three
'cause that's rude to girls.
504
00:18:26,899 --> 00:18:28,692
Do you really think that
she's gonna have sex with you
505
00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:31,069
-in that pulp-covered filth bunker?
-I'll throw a tarp down.
506
00:18:31,153 --> 00:18:32,446
-Oh, God.
-SCHMIDT: What if she's turned off
507
00:18:32,529 --> 00:18:35,157
by the mess?
What if she's turned off by...
508
00:18:38,076 --> 00:18:39,536
What if she's turned off by the mess?
509
00:18:39,620 --> 00:18:41,205
Hey, Gina, why don't you hear me
out here for a second.
510
00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:42,956
-That's all right.
-SCHMIDT: If Nick cleans his room
511
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:45,292
before Brittany comes over,
he might get laid.
512
00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:47,336
I don't know.
It seems like a lot of work.
513
00:18:47,419 --> 00:18:49,087
Not with the right tool.
514
00:18:49,171 --> 00:18:50,923
We open up on a modern man
515
00:18:51,006 --> 00:18:52,925
with a nose that only America could love.
516
00:18:53,008 --> 00:18:54,009
This might seem obvious,
517
00:18:54,092 --> 00:18:55,385
but what side does
the dirty stuff go on?
518
00:18:55,469 --> 00:18:56,470
He doesn't know a lot,
519
00:18:56,553 --> 00:18:58,555
but he's about to discover
the ultimate wingman.
520
00:18:58,639 --> 00:18:59,723
NICK: I bet this side is
521
00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:01,266
really good for tough areas.
522
00:19:01,350 --> 00:19:03,185
The Man Sponge.
523
00:19:03,268 --> 00:19:04,978
Because the dirtiest
thing in your room...
524
00:19:05,062 --> 00:19:06,647
Probably be her. (CHUCKLES)
525
00:19:07,022 --> 00:19:08,357
Yay. We're doing a pitch.
526
00:19:08,440 --> 00:19:09,566
-Yeah.
-(CHUCKLES)
527
00:19:11,068 --> 00:19:13,487
I... can't believe I'm saying this,
528
00:19:14,488 --> 00:19:15,489
but I like it.
529
00:19:15,572 --> 00:19:17,533
All right, you get
the sponge account, Schmidt.
530
00:19:17,616 --> 00:19:18,742
-Sponges.
-We got sponges.
531
00:19:18,825 --> 00:19:20,285
-We got sponges.
-We got sponges. We got sponges.
532
00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:22,329
JESS: Wait!
533
00:19:22,412 --> 00:19:24,748
Ashley! My dad loves you!
534
00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:26,166
No matter what! Wait!
535
00:19:26,250 --> 00:19:28,335
(SINGING) Ashley...
536
00:19:28,418 --> 00:19:30,045
MAN 1: On your right! On your right.
MAN 2: Left side! On your left.
537
00:19:30,128 --> 00:19:31,171
(JESS WHIMPERING)
538
00:19:31,255 --> 00:19:32,548
MAN 3: On your right!
MAN 4: Left!
539
00:19:32,756 --> 00:19:34,007
MAN 5: Right!
MAN 6: Bread and butter.
540
00:19:34,091 --> 00:19:35,342
MAN 7: On your left.
MAN 8: On your right.
541
00:19:35,425 --> 00:19:37,344
(JESS CONTINUES WHIMPERING)
Oh, my God!
542
00:19:37,427 --> 00:19:39,513
MAN 9: Left side!
MAN 10: Left side!
543
00:19:40,222 --> 00:19:41,932
-(SINGING) Ashl...
-On your right!
544
00:19:42,015 --> 00:19:43,016
BOB: Jess!
545
00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:45,894
-Jess, baby, baby, are you okay?
-Oh.
546
00:19:45,978 --> 00:19:48,146
You... Here, come on, come on.
Let's get you to a hospital.
547
00:19:48,230 --> 00:19:50,274
-Oh, my God! Is she okay?
-I don't know.
548
00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:51,358
I mean, are you okay?
549
00:19:51,441 --> 00:19:52,734
JESS: You need to do it now, Dad,
550
00:19:52,818 --> 00:19:54,903
before we get flattened
by a parade. Come on.
551
00:19:58,699 --> 00:20:01,326
Ashley... will you marry me?
552
00:20:02,244 --> 00:20:04,413
And be the stepmom to a very crazy
553
00:20:04,496 --> 00:20:08,125
but very lovable woman?
554
00:20:08,458 --> 00:20:09,751
(CHUCKLES) Yes.
555
00:20:10,586 --> 00:20:12,337
Yes. Yes!
556
00:20:13,172 --> 00:20:14,339
Oh, yes!
557
00:20:14,715 --> 00:20:17,426
Jess, you're my little girl now.
558
00:20:17,551 --> 00:20:18,802
Oh, Jess.
559
00:20:18,886 --> 00:20:20,846
You go to your room.
(LAUGHS) I'm just kidding.
560
00:20:20,929 --> 00:20:24,057
I'm kidding.
But you should go to a hospital.
561
00:20:25,475 --> 00:20:28,353
Here's to attending a wedding
with everyone from high school
562
00:20:28,437 --> 00:20:30,564
and my dad's side of the family.
563
00:20:30,647 --> 00:20:31,982
It's gonna be great.
It's like going to prom
564
00:20:32,065 --> 00:20:33,483
-with all my dad's friends.
-NICK: Hear, hear!
565
00:20:33,567 --> 00:20:34,568
(CHEERING)
566
00:20:35,402 --> 00:20:36,403
-Oh.
-Oh.
567
00:20:36,486 --> 00:20:37,654
No, no, no, no.
Don't worry, don't worry.
568
00:20:37,738 --> 00:20:39,156
I got it. I got it. I'll just clean it.
569
00:20:39,781 --> 00:20:42,492
-Dude, there's a sponge in your hand.
-SCHMIDT: No, let him go.
570
00:20:42,576 --> 00:20:44,244
He's my inspiration.
You know, living with him
571
00:20:44,328 --> 00:20:47,623
in that slovenly hellhole
has been a secret blessing.
572
00:20:47,706 --> 00:20:48,707
It's made me stronger.
573
00:20:48,790 --> 00:20:50,042
Without ash to rise from,
574
00:20:50,125 --> 00:20:51,877
the phoenix would just be
a bird getting up.
575
00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:53,879
I am a phoenix, and I will rise.
576
00:20:53,962 --> 00:20:55,881
He usually says that speech
before sex.
577
00:20:55,964 --> 00:20:57,799
By 2015, I will have my own room.
578
00:20:57,883 --> 00:21:00,093
And by 2016...
579
00:21:02,429 --> 00:21:03,639
COACH: What is he looking at?
NICK: I don't know.
580
00:21:03,722 --> 00:21:05,891
-...I will be a millionaire.
-(ALL GROANING)
581
00:21:06,141 --> 00:21:08,560
(PIANO PLAYING GENTLE MUSIC)
582
00:21:19,905 --> 00:21:21,323
(GASPS)
583
00:21:21,740 --> 00:21:23,700
Spongey make wipey.
584
00:21:23,992 --> 00:21:25,953
ANNOUNCER: The Man Sponge.
585
00:21:26,036 --> 00:21:28,455
Because the dirtiest thing
in your room...
586
00:21:28,789 --> 00:21:30,374
Should be me.
587
00:21:31,792 --> 00:21:38,715
-Sponge. Sponge. Sponge.
-Sponge. Sponge. Sponge. Sponge.
43703
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