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1
00:00:01,126 --> 00:00:02,377
(DOOR OPENS)
2
00:00:03,128 --> 00:00:04,171
JESS: Hey, look who it is.
3
00:00:04,254 --> 00:00:06,215
It's Schmidt. And, um...
4
00:00:06,298 --> 00:00:07,633
This is Barb. Barb is leaving.
5
00:00:07,716 --> 00:00:08,842
Oh, Barb. Like the elephant.
6
00:00:08,926 --> 00:00:10,594
That's Babar, you dum-dum.
7
00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:14,097
Barbara. A little potassium pick-me-up?
8
00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:17,100
Since I know sleeping wasn't
the main activity of the night.
9
00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:19,394
Thin walls. Just kidding.
They're very thick.
10
00:00:19,478 --> 00:00:21,522
You're just so loud! (CHUCKLES)
11
00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:24,274
-You have a lot of roommates.
-So many of 'em. That's great.
12
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:25,609
-Bye, Barb.
-SCHMIDT: Bye, Barb.
13
00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:26,860
-BARB: Bye, Schmidt.
-(DOOR SHUTS)
14
00:00:27,444 --> 00:00:28,946
That was the third piece of nanny
15
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,948
-this week, am I right?
-Sure is.
16
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:33,116
Little shop talk from someone
who's also out there
17
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,452
trying to crush butt herself.
18
00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:36,828
Um, where are you meeting all
19
00:00:36,912 --> 00:00:39,540
these eligible singles,
these, uh, elly-sings?
20
00:00:39,790 --> 00:00:41,124
-Dice.
-Hmm?
21
00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:43,293
-It's kind of like Tinder.
-Dice and Tinder.
22
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:44,670
I've been to those bars.
They're downtown, right?
23
00:00:44,753 --> 00:00:46,755
-(GROANS)
-Dice is a dating app.
24
00:00:46,839 --> 00:00:48,465
-Dating app.
-It's not for you.
25
00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:50,717
What? Schmidty.
26
00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:52,761
Come on.
I've Internet-dated before.
27
00:00:52,845 --> 00:00:55,973
You send an e-mail, you get excited,
you wait, you get an e-mail back.
28
00:00:56,098 --> 00:00:58,559
-You are just describing e-mailing.
-Come on.
29
00:00:58,642 --> 00:00:59,726
You're gonna get eaten alive on Dice.
30
00:00:59,810 --> 00:01:01,103
-Come on, now.
-Do you want to see...
31
00:01:01,186 --> 00:01:03,689
Do you want to see...
This is Dice. Come here.
32
00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:05,649
It's all about split-second
decisions, okay?
33
00:01:05,858 --> 00:01:07,192
You see a picture,
you swipe down for yes,
34
00:01:07,276 --> 00:01:08,819
-you swipe up for no.
-JESS: You're so fast.
35
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:09,987
Instinct. That's what it's about.
36
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,780
Which you don't have.
37
00:01:12,447 --> 00:01:15,200
Now, I'm gonna go do
a deep-ass mouthwash.
38
00:01:15,284 --> 00:01:17,035
Don't go on Dice, Jess.
39
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:18,620
I won't.
40
00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:23,667
Okay, now.
41
00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,712
New account.
42
00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:30,549
I am... darn tootin' fun.
43
00:01:30,632 --> 00:01:32,176
DTF.
44
00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:35,012
Seeks same.
45
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:37,139
I'm Dicing.
46
00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:39,516
(SINGING) Who's that girl?
47
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:40,601
Who's that girl?
48
00:01:40,684 --> 00:01:42,186
It's Jess!
49
00:01:46,607 --> 00:01:48,400
WINSTON: You know,
I'm really enjoying the police academy,
50
00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:50,027
but, believe it or not,
51
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,237
I am not clicking socially
with the other cadets.
52
00:01:52,321 --> 00:01:53,405
-What? Weird.
-Oh, my God.
53
00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:55,199
-No.
-That's crazy.
54
00:01:55,282 --> 00:01:57,075
-That is super shocking news.
-I can't wrap my head around that.
55
00:01:57,159 --> 00:01:59,161
-COACH: That just doesn't add up.
-Everyone's got a nickname but me.
56
00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:01,997
Yo, Swoops! What up, Gunner?
(CHUCKLES)
57
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,749
Hey, Winston Bishop.
58
00:02:04,082 --> 00:02:05,250
Why don't you just go ask them
59
00:02:05,334 --> 00:02:06,835
if you can hang out
with them sometime?
60
00:02:06,919 --> 00:02:08,086
I mean, what's the worst
that could happen?
61
00:02:08,170 --> 00:02:10,923
Just invite myself?
Now, that's just rude.
62
00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:13,383
Winnie the Bish
wasn't raised to be rude.
63
00:02:13,509 --> 00:02:15,886
Now, save my seat.
I got to go make a caca.
64
00:02:16,595 --> 00:02:18,722
I can't believe we're
gonna live with a cop.
65
00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:21,391
I mean, can we still do illegal things?
Like, I don't know,
66
00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:23,101
what if I want to get
stoned or something?
67
00:02:23,185 --> 00:02:24,520
I've actually never gotten stoned before.
68
00:02:24,603 --> 00:02:26,438
-You've never been stoned?
-What?
69
00:02:26,522 --> 00:02:27,731
Should I do it before he becomes a cop?
70
00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:29,525
-We could do this.
-Really?
71
00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:31,068
We're adults. We can smoke a little weed.
72
00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:32,611
-I think we should do it.
-It's been a while.
73
00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:33,987
I pick up stuff really quick.
74
00:02:34,071 --> 00:02:36,198
You can't just pick up
pot and be good at it.
75
00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:38,575
Like everything else in life,
it takes practice.
76
00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:40,911
Yeah, if pot were a piano, Nick would be
a nine-year-old Chinese girl.
77
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:43,121
Daddy's here to take care of you.
I'm gonna guide you through it.
78
00:02:43,205 --> 00:02:44,957
I'll be your spiritual guru.
79
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:46,542
And Mommy's got nothing
to do this afternoon,
80
00:02:46,625 --> 00:02:47,793
so I'm gonna bake
some damn brownies
81
00:02:47,876 --> 00:02:49,294
so we can all freak out.
82
00:02:49,378 --> 00:02:51,755
-Let's do it.
-We're getting stoned?
83
00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:53,966
This is like watching a meeting
of idiot 12-year-olds.
84
00:02:54,258 --> 00:02:56,009
-(RINGTONE PLAYING)
-The hell is that? What is that noise?
85
00:02:56,093 --> 00:02:57,469
Your cellular technology.
86
00:02:58,554 --> 00:03:01,515
I haven't gotten
a non-text message in two years.
87
00:03:01,598 --> 00:03:02,599
Jess?
88
00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:05,727
Hey, uh... So, I Diced
89
00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:08,230
and it was great. Um,
90
00:03:09,106 --> 00:03:11,275
but could I get a ride?
91
00:03:11,942 --> 00:03:13,902
You sure you don't want
to hop on for a second?
92
00:03:16,905 --> 00:03:19,867
Do you have a dog, or is this all you?
93
00:03:19,950 --> 00:03:21,368
Which would you prefer?
94
00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:22,995
(BARKS)
95
00:03:24,788 --> 00:03:27,499
Schmidt, will you at least
just talk to me, please?
96
00:03:29,168 --> 00:03:30,878
He looked nice in his picture.
97
00:03:32,171 --> 00:03:34,006
The frame cut off the bottom
of his beard,
98
00:03:34,089 --> 00:03:36,925
so how was I to know it was
braided into a beardy tail?
99
00:03:37,009 --> 00:03:38,093
-Mmm.
-He asked me
100
00:03:38,177 --> 00:03:40,137
to the food court near his house.
101
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,264
I thought that was
down-to-earth, and I liked that.
102
00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:43,807
He didn't bring any money,
103
00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:46,018
so we had to go back
to his apartment.
104
00:03:46,101 --> 00:03:49,396
And also he wanted to show me
some of his old baby clothes.
105
00:03:50,105 --> 00:03:51,356
(GROANS)
106
00:03:52,691 --> 00:03:54,318
Maybe I'm not ready for Dice.
107
00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:56,278
Will you just help me, please?
108
00:03:56,361 --> 00:03:58,655
I want to get back out there.
I have to...
109
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:00,657
I need to get back out there.
110
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:01,742
And I know I'm gullible.
111
00:04:01,825 --> 00:04:03,118
'Cause people tell me that,
112
00:04:03,202 --> 00:04:04,912
and I have no reason not
to believe them.
113
00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,248
Teach me to Dice.
114
00:04:13,045 --> 00:04:15,130
-Is that a yes?
-(MUTTERS)
115
00:04:15,714 --> 00:04:17,633
Schmidt?
116
00:04:17,716 --> 00:04:18,967
What's happening?
117
00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:23,180
Ah! What the hell?
118
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,807
I will teach you Dice.
119
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:36,944
Welcome and...
120
00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:38,237
good morning.
121
00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:40,614
-It's weird here in the morning.
-It is very sad.
122
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:42,157
Now, over the next 1,000 minutes,
123
00:04:42,241 --> 00:04:44,034
your notions of dating will be challenged.
124
00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:46,286
-Jess, just listen. No notes.
-I'm sorry.
125
00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:49,122
You put notebooks and pens on the table,
so I thought...
126
00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:50,332
I totally get it.
Look, Jess, you're nervous.
127
00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:51,416
Would you like some water?
128
00:04:51,500 --> 00:04:52,709
-Oh, thank you.
-Of course.
129
00:04:52,835 --> 00:04:54,795
-That's really nice of...
-Never show weakness.
130
00:04:55,087 --> 00:04:58,173
Write that down.
Now, you're on Dice
131
00:04:58,340 --> 00:05:00,092
and this hunk shows up.
132
00:05:00,175 --> 00:05:02,553
Hubba hubba, Mama in trubba.
133
00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:04,096
-Don't ever do that again.
-Okay.
134
00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:06,598
So you find this man.
He looks like a Hemsworth,
135
00:05:06,682 --> 00:05:07,724
if you will.
136
00:05:07,808 --> 00:05:09,643
He swipes down, you swipe down,
137
00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:12,646
you guys set a date. I show up.
138
00:05:12,980 --> 00:05:14,439
Hey, how you doing?
I'm Jack Steele.
139
00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:16,066
-Hi, Jack.
-(BUZZING)
140
00:05:17,401 --> 00:05:19,194
-Wrong.
-Is that our Taboo buzzer?
141
00:05:19,278 --> 00:05:21,071
-Not important. Why did I buzz?
-Do you think you could
142
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:22,739
just return it to the box
when you're done with it?
143
00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:25,284
The reason I buzzed is because
I look nothing like this person.
144
00:05:25,367 --> 00:05:27,119
Look at this.
There's a sun-kissed sweetie.
145
00:05:27,202 --> 00:05:28,787
I am a rugged Semitic prince.
146
00:05:28,871 --> 00:05:30,914
-I thought we were role-playing.
-Role-playing?
147
00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:32,416
What about this feels like a game to you?
148
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:35,252
-(BUZZING)
-(PHONE CHIMES)
149
00:05:35,544 --> 00:05:37,713
Ooh, I got a Dice match.
150
00:05:38,172 --> 00:05:39,256
Jacob.
151
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,133
He has dreamy eyes.
152
00:05:41,216 --> 00:05:42,801
-Them's joint-bank-account eyes.
-Okay,
153
00:05:42,885 --> 00:05:44,928
if you're saying things like
"dreamy eyes" to my face,
154
00:05:45,012 --> 00:05:46,805
we have more work to do
than the Kings of Leon.
155
00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:50,309
Good band, but it feels like
they are stuck in one place musically.
156
00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:51,643
Well, I have a good feeling
about this guy.
157
00:05:51,727 --> 00:05:52,728
-Okay.
-I'm gonna ask him out.
158
00:05:52,811 --> 00:05:53,896
Hey.
159
00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:55,314
You're not ready yet.
160
00:05:57,983 --> 00:05:59,693
I'm... I'm sorry about your phone.
161
00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:01,111
I'm sure you have the protection plan.
162
00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:02,863
-I do have the...
-(BUZZING)
163
00:06:02,946 --> 00:06:05,240
Never get the protection plan!
164
00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:07,201
NICK: The oceans are very wild.
165
00:06:07,284 --> 00:06:10,078
No man or piece of scientific technology
166
00:06:10,162 --> 00:06:12,164
has ever been to the bottom
of the ocean.
167
00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:14,791
-Titanic did.
-Uh, Titanic sunk down there,
168
00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:15,918
but that's not to the bottom.
169
00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:17,586
No, the man who made Titanic did.
170
00:06:18,128 --> 00:06:19,963
I don't know what Manhoo is, but...
171
00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:21,590
You guys seem a lot higher than me.
172
00:06:21,673 --> 00:06:24,009
Well, it hits everybody
at different times, Hoss.
173
00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:25,719
-(DOOR OPENS)
-But it's coming for you.
174
00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:27,513
My people! (CHUCKLES)
175
00:06:27,596 --> 00:06:29,723
Time to rally, everybody.
We are going to a party.
176
00:06:29,848 --> 00:06:32,100
I took Cece's advice
and decided to invite myself
177
00:06:32,184 --> 00:06:34,269
to hang out
with some of the other guys,
178
00:06:34,353 --> 00:06:36,855
and I think y'all should roll with.
179
00:06:36,939 --> 00:06:37,981
Make me look cooler.
180
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:41,652
-I'll totally go to a party on your butt.
-What?
181
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:43,612
-(LAUGHING)
-COACH: No. No.
182
00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:46,198
Now, that is a humorous image.
183
00:06:47,991 --> 00:06:49,368
COACH: What?
184
00:06:49,451 --> 00:06:51,495
-But, seriously, you have to go.
-Oh, no, no, no, no.
185
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:52,913
Know... know what? We're gonna go.
186
00:06:52,996 --> 00:06:53,997
We're gonna go.
187
00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:55,958
-Okay.
-We're gonna go.
188
00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:57,876
We're gonna go. We're gonna go.
189
00:06:57,960 --> 00:06:59,253
-You're gonna go?
-Hey, we're gonna go.
190
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:00,921
We're gonna go.
191
00:07:01,004 --> 00:07:02,339
-We're gonna go.
-Right on, right on.
192
00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:04,132
Well, then we'll go.
193
00:07:04,216 --> 00:07:05,717
(CHUCKLING) Yeah.
194
00:07:05,801 --> 00:07:06,969
You guys are way too messed up
to be going.
195
00:07:07,052 --> 00:07:09,304
You're not an expert. I am.
196
00:07:09,388 --> 00:07:10,597
Nobody knows we're stoned.
197
00:07:10,681 --> 00:07:12,015
If we didn't go, then they would know.
198
00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:13,225
You're saying that be...
199
00:07:13,308 --> 00:07:14,935
if we don't go to the party,
200
00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:16,144
they're gonna think that we're high.
201
00:07:16,228 --> 00:07:18,564
Oh, the guy who's never done weed.
202
00:07:18,647 --> 00:07:20,190
That's not the proper term.
It's "smoked weed."
203
00:07:20,274 --> 00:07:21,859
You don't "do weed." That's a test.
204
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:23,485
-You said it.
-NICK: Listen to me,
205
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:26,071
first order of business,
we eat their food.
206
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:27,865
-Okay.
-Then you look at the pool.
207
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:29,741
"Aw, what a great pool.
208
00:07:29,825 --> 00:07:33,662
"I wish... I wish I could dive for rings."
209
00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:37,124
Because if you were stoned,
you wouldn't dive for rings.
210
00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:40,752
Um, I was just thinking
of this impression.
211
00:07:42,296 --> 00:07:43,422
Who am I doing?
212
00:07:46,258 --> 00:07:47,968
-Who am I doing?
-Al Pacino?
213
00:07:48,385 --> 00:07:51,013
Maybe. So, then,
214
00:07:51,096 --> 00:07:53,182
you get home, you eat some pizza...
215
00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:56,059
Trust me. I just thought
of every single possibility
216
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:58,687
of what could happen at that party,
and none of them are bad.
217
00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:00,772
Ooh. Wow.
218
00:08:00,856 --> 00:08:04,234
This is a big party.
I'm talking wall-to-wall cops.
219
00:08:04,443 --> 00:08:05,861
Man.
220
00:08:10,574 --> 00:08:12,326
Oh, I did not think this through.
221
00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:15,120
(GIGGLING)
222
00:08:15,204 --> 00:08:16,788
It just hit me.
223
00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:20,083
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
224
00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:21,543
-hey, hey, hey, hey.
-Be cool.
225
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:24,087
And that is why,
no matter how tricked out it is,
226
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:25,672
you never get into a van.
227
00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:27,966
-(MOUTHING) "No van."
-Okay. Moving on.
228
00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:29,176
Classic warning signs.
229
00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:30,636
Now, last night, the crazy man
230
00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:32,596
said he needed to meet you
near his house.
231
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:34,181
What he was really saying was,
232
00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:35,891
"I expect tonight to end in sex."
233
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:38,685
Or maybe he doesn't like
to be far from his pets.
234
00:08:38,769 --> 00:08:40,938
Never date a man with pets.
The only acceptable pet
235
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:44,233
for a man to have is a
saltwater fish. Okay, what now?
236
00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:45,984
Okay, first test.
Now, I'm gonna say something,
237
00:08:46,068 --> 00:08:48,779
and you tell me
what's really being said.
238
00:08:48,946 --> 00:08:51,198
Oh, you know, I'm just staying
in a hotel right now.
239
00:08:51,615 --> 00:08:52,741
"I like to travel."
240
00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:55,035
-(BUZZING)
-Homeless. Pervert.
241
00:08:55,661 --> 00:08:58,288
Oh, my God, my mom is just
the most amazing woman.
242
00:08:58,872 --> 00:09:00,999
-Oh. "I love my mother."
-(BUZZING)
243
00:09:01,083 --> 00:09:03,502
Virgin. And somehow also a pervert.
244
00:09:03,961 --> 00:09:06,213
I kind of prefer public transportation.
245
00:09:06,797 --> 00:09:07,881
Oh. Earth-conscious.
246
00:09:07,965 --> 00:09:09,758
-(BUZZING)
-Multiple DUIs.
247
00:09:09,842 --> 00:09:10,843
(BUZZING)
248
00:09:10,926 --> 00:09:11,927
Pervert.
249
00:09:12,678 --> 00:09:14,054
Okay, time for the next phase.
250
00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:15,430
-Next phase?
-Jess?
251
00:09:16,014 --> 00:09:19,768
-Hi. I'm Malcolm. From Dice?
-Oh... Oh.
252
00:09:19,852 --> 00:09:21,603
-Hi.
-Hey.
253
00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:23,814
She'll be with you in just a minute.
254
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,148
Okay.
255
00:09:25,566 --> 00:09:28,527
You set me up on a date?
I'm wearing my lounge-around underwear.
256
00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:29,862
I set you up on 10 dates.
257
00:09:29,945 --> 00:09:31,530
-What?
-Ten years of experience in one day.
258
00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:32,698
Expert by midnight.
259
00:09:32,781 --> 00:09:34,074
The Dice Diez.
260
00:09:34,491 --> 00:09:36,076
"Diez" is Spanish for 10.
261
00:09:36,159 --> 00:09:37,995
Are you insane, Schmidt?
I'm not ready.
262
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:40,205
That's like taking a musical
from rehearsals
263
00:09:40,289 --> 00:09:42,332
straight to Broadway.
You got to workshop it first...
264
00:09:42,416 --> 00:09:43,876
If you are for one second suggesting
265
00:09:43,959 --> 00:09:45,210
that I don't know how to open a musical...
266
00:09:45,294 --> 00:09:47,212
How dare you?
I'm trying to help you out here.
267
00:09:47,421 --> 00:09:49,089
Now, of course you're not ready, Jess.
268
00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:52,301
That's why I set up 10 dates.
269
00:09:52,384 --> 00:09:53,802
Now, you can do this. Come on.
270
00:09:54,595 --> 00:09:55,846
All right.
271
00:09:56,388 --> 00:09:58,307
-So... Date talk.
-MALCOLM: So.
272
00:09:58,473 --> 00:10:00,267
-Okay.
-(CHUCKLES) What do you do?
273
00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:02,936
Um, well, I don't have a job,
currently, right now,
274
00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:05,147
in the traditional "nine to five" sense,
275
00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:07,524
but, uh, I got a lot cooking.
276
00:10:07,691 --> 00:10:11,069
I "grow" "raisins."
277
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:15,532
I'm sorry, Malcolm, um,
278
00:10:15,616 --> 00:10:17,618
I'm gonna have to...
279
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:20,120
(WHISPERING) Get out of there.
280
00:10:20,204 --> 00:10:21,955
...let you finish that story.
281
00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:25,167
MALCOLM: Oh, okay.
I grow two types of raisins.
282
00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:27,336
There's the Leopold raisin,
283
00:10:27,419 --> 00:10:28,629
-which is from Austria.
-JESS: Mmm-hmm.
284
00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:30,797
And then there's the Zwiebel raisin,
285
00:10:30,881 --> 00:10:32,257
which is also from Austria.
286
00:10:34,885 --> 00:10:38,263
But I think the main thing
that got me through my time in prison
287
00:10:38,347 --> 00:10:41,225
was the realization
that a "raisin" can be anything.
288
00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:42,392
We got to go!
289
00:10:42,476 --> 00:10:44,269
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
Ma called. The bees are back.
290
00:10:44,353 --> 00:10:45,771
Ma called. The bees are back.
291
00:10:45,854 --> 00:10:47,356
MALCOLM: Oh, okay. Um...
292
00:10:47,439 --> 00:10:49,107
Should I just...
Should I wait for you?
293
00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:51,068
You know that was a bad date, right?
294
00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:53,320
I know, but I just felt so trapped.
295
00:10:53,403 --> 00:10:55,864
Just do what I did,
make up an excuse and then leave.
296
00:10:56,114 --> 00:10:57,991
Just... just say as little
as you need to, okay?
297
00:10:58,075 --> 00:10:59,076
Make it your own.
298
00:10:59,243 --> 00:11:00,244
-You ready?
-Yeah.
299
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:01,495
-You can do this.
-Okay.
300
00:11:01,578 --> 00:11:02,913
-You have so much hair.
-What?
301
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,998
Where did all that hair come from?
You're like a lioness.
302
00:11:05,082 --> 00:11:06,708
So, did you know you could put
303
00:11:06,792 --> 00:11:09,086
a whole live chicken
in your mouth and eat it
304
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,797
without plucking it
or preparing it at all?
305
00:11:13,465 --> 00:11:14,800
(WHISPERING) Keep it simple.
306
00:11:14,883 --> 00:11:15,926
Uh, let's keep it simple.
307
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:17,010
You're a nice guy,
308
00:11:17,094 --> 00:11:18,637
and that's a neat outfit.
309
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,472
Are you a chef? Are you a beatnik?
310
00:11:20,556 --> 00:11:21,557
Are... Do you work on...
311
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:22,933
-on a submarine?
-Shh.
312
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,059
No! No!
313
00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:25,644
-Oh.
-Stand down, sir!
314
00:11:25,727 --> 00:11:27,604
We found your son. He's alive.
315
00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:29,439
They found my son. He's alive.
316
00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,733
I'm sorry. It was nice meeting you.
317
00:11:31,984 --> 00:11:33,277
WINSTON: All right, now, remember,
318
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,444
y'all are my dogs, okay?
319
00:11:34,528 --> 00:11:35,612
So just stay by my side
320
00:11:35,696 --> 00:11:36,947
and make me look cool.
321
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,867
If I tell a joke, dogs got to bark.
322
00:11:39,950 --> 00:11:42,286
(LAUGHS) I want to see those
tails wagging out there, okay?
323
00:11:43,078 --> 00:11:44,079
Oh, okay, look.
324
00:11:44,162 --> 00:11:45,497
Look, there's Dugan. There's Dugan.
325
00:11:45,581 --> 00:11:48,333
That's the guy I was
telling you about. Come on.
326
00:11:48,959 --> 00:11:50,377
Over there is better.
327
00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:51,503
All right.
328
00:11:51,587 --> 00:11:53,589
-What?
-Whatever the hell that means.
329
00:11:53,672 --> 00:11:55,674
WINSTON: Is there a cop
in the house? (LAUGHS)
330
00:11:55,841 --> 00:11:58,302
I feel really calm. Really relaxed.
331
00:11:58,468 --> 00:12:00,762
-Oh, look, a hummingbird.
-What the hell are you talking about?
332
00:12:00,846 --> 00:12:02,890
There's no such thing as a hummingbird.
333
00:12:02,973 --> 00:12:03,974
Birds don't hum.
334
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:05,058
They sing.
335
00:12:05,142 --> 00:12:07,060
They basically invented singing.
336
00:12:07,144 --> 00:12:08,520
You're so high right now, man.
337
00:12:08,604 --> 00:12:10,731
You're so high, I couldn't
possibly even bring you back.
338
00:12:10,856 --> 00:12:12,900
Actually, dude, I feel really good.
339
00:12:12,983 --> 00:12:14,359
Hey, hey, hey, hey, when you walk,
340
00:12:14,443 --> 00:12:15,819
you look like an insane person.
341
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:19,907
Okay? And your voice sounds
so stoned and crazy.
342
00:12:19,990 --> 00:12:20,991
Say something.
343
00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:24,328
-Hello, Nick.
-(LAUGHS)
344
00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:26,371
That took you, like, 20 minutes.
345
00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:28,373
"Hello, Nick."
346
00:12:28,457 --> 00:12:30,876
And now I'm a model and a bartender.
347
00:12:31,543 --> 00:12:32,586
But I...
348
00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:35,047
I'm not sure what's next.
I feel a little lost.
349
00:12:35,130 --> 00:12:37,132
I'm not exactly sure
what I'm doing with my life.
350
00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:39,343
I'm so sorry.
351
00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:40,677
What was your question again?
352
00:12:40,844 --> 00:12:42,346
I didn't ask you anything.
353
00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:44,806
You just walked up and started talking.
354
00:12:45,057 --> 00:12:46,391
So, man, I'm in the locker room,
355
00:12:46,475 --> 00:12:47,976
and I see a spider, and I'm like,
356
00:12:48,060 --> 00:12:49,353
"I hope this is Charlotte's Web
357
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:50,604
"and you're nice."
358
00:12:53,732 --> 00:12:55,025
You haven't seen Charlotte's Web?
359
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,777
Charlotte's Web, the, uh, cartoon.
360
00:12:56,860 --> 00:12:59,446
The tale about the spider who
was super chill and super cool.
361
00:12:59,530 --> 00:13:01,615
Then, well, series of events,
she ended up dying.
362
00:13:01,698 --> 00:13:02,783
So that was sad.
363
00:13:02,866 --> 00:13:04,993
That was sad, but spoiler alert,
if you haven't seen it.
364
00:13:05,077 --> 00:13:06,161
I'm sure you... You haven't seen it.
365
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:09,414
Where are my dogs?
366
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:12,209
I took the liberty of writing
down some exit lines,
367
00:13:12,376 --> 00:13:14,753
because obviously, you can't
come up with any on your own.
368
00:13:14,837 --> 00:13:16,380
Here, take a look at those.
369
00:13:16,547 --> 00:13:18,048
I've got hockey practice?
370
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:20,259
-Sure.
-My boss is trying to contact me
371
00:13:20,342 --> 00:13:22,427
about a project
that could save the company.
372
00:13:22,511 --> 00:13:23,512
-Mmm-hmm.
-Schmidt,
373
00:13:23,595 --> 00:13:24,888
these are such obvious rejections.
374
00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:27,140
-I don't want to hurt their feelings.
-Hurt their feel...
375
00:13:27,224 --> 00:13:28,642
Do you just walk around all day
376
00:13:28,725 --> 00:13:29,810
thinking about other people's feelings?
377
00:13:30,060 --> 00:13:31,812
-Yeah. Don't you?
-No.
378
00:13:32,521 --> 00:13:33,647
How do you get anything done?
379
00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:35,524
-It's hard.
-Okay, Jess,
380
00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:37,484
how can I put this?
381
00:13:38,902 --> 00:13:40,279
You're the prize here.
382
00:13:40,779 --> 00:13:42,322
Okay?
383
00:13:42,406 --> 00:13:44,783
You are the last piece of pie,
and all of these guys
384
00:13:44,867 --> 00:13:46,201
are the fat kids in the cafeteria,
385
00:13:46,285 --> 00:13:48,370
and I can say that because
I used to be fat as a truck.
386
00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:50,122
You really think
I'm the last piece of pie?
387
00:13:50,205 --> 00:13:52,374
Damn right you're the last piece of pie.
388
00:13:52,457 --> 00:13:54,376
You're the best girl on Dice, Jess.
389
00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:56,545
And who cares what
these guys are feeling?
390
00:13:56,628 --> 00:13:58,380
You know, what do you feel?
391
00:13:58,714 --> 00:14:00,591
Jess, what do you want?
392
00:14:00,883 --> 00:14:01,884
I'm the pie.
393
00:14:01,967 --> 00:14:03,427
-You're the pie.
-I'm the pie.
394
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:04,928
-Say it again.
-I'm the pie.
395
00:14:05,012 --> 00:14:06,305
-Say it again.
-I'm the pie.
396
00:14:06,388 --> 00:14:07,890
There you go.
397
00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:09,057
Who are you?
398
00:14:10,184 --> 00:14:11,602
Never really thought about that.
399
00:14:11,685 --> 00:14:12,728
Mmm.
400
00:14:12,811 --> 00:14:14,188
I'm not gay,
401
00:14:14,271 --> 00:14:17,649
but I would go crazy
on Michael Strahan.
402
00:14:17,941 --> 00:14:22,029
A prominent U.S. senator
is trying to contact me.
403
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:26,742
You know, I just think
Meryl Streep is a dumb bitch.
404
00:14:27,117 --> 00:14:29,536
An important document
has gone missing.
405
00:14:29,620 --> 00:14:31,371
I need to find it.
406
00:14:32,789 --> 00:14:35,083
I've been getting into a lot
of fist fights lately.
407
00:14:35,167 --> 00:14:36,376
Like, a lot.
408
00:14:36,460 --> 00:14:37,669
More than usual.
409
00:14:37,961 --> 00:14:39,296
But, you know,
410
00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:40,797
I'm kind of enjoying them now.
411
00:14:40,881 --> 00:14:43,175
I have an acquaintance
who's in jeopardy.
412
00:14:47,930 --> 00:14:48,931
Jess?
413
00:14:49,014 --> 00:14:51,266
Nope, not Jess.
414
00:14:52,518 --> 00:14:54,394
Velcro shoes, pervert.
415
00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:57,564
I didn't even see those.
416
00:14:59,066 --> 00:15:01,527
I would love for you to share...
417
00:15:01,610 --> 00:15:03,904
share...
418
00:15:03,987 --> 00:15:06,031
what you think
I should do with my life.
419
00:15:08,784 --> 00:15:10,702
Am I boring you now?
420
00:15:10,786 --> 00:15:12,663
Officer, can I read you your rights?
421
00:15:14,248 --> 00:15:17,167
You have the right to remain hugged.
422
00:15:17,251 --> 00:15:18,544
-(LAUGHTER)
-Come here, Dugan.
423
00:15:18,627 --> 00:15:20,170
Oh, no, Coach!
424
00:15:20,462 --> 00:15:22,005
And you have the right
to remain sweet.
425
00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:23,090
(LAUGHTER)
426
00:15:24,132 --> 00:15:25,133
NICK: Run! Diversion!
427
00:15:25,217 --> 00:15:27,344
-Run! Run! Now! Now!
-Uh, dude... Whoa. Hold on!
428
00:15:28,345 --> 00:15:30,222
What's with your friends,
Winston Bishop?
429
00:15:30,305 --> 00:15:32,558
They kicked over the grill,
and then they ran that way.
430
00:15:32,641 --> 00:15:33,767
Yeah... I know.
431
00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:37,729
Wow. Last date.
432
00:15:37,813 --> 00:15:38,814
It's a big moment.
433
00:15:39,231 --> 00:15:41,817
Oh, my God, is that who I think it is?
434
00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:43,861
I give you Dreamy-Eyes Jacob.
435
00:15:44,361 --> 00:15:46,238
Happy Dice birthday, Jess.
436
00:15:46,321 --> 00:15:48,407
You're ready for this. Now, go get him.
437
00:15:48,490 --> 00:15:49,783
Thank you, sir.
438
00:15:50,951 --> 00:15:52,160
JESS: Wait a minute.
439
00:15:52,286 --> 00:15:54,413
Are you from Portland?
The Jolly Cow Creamery.
440
00:15:54,496 --> 00:15:56,123
Yeah, I used to work there
summers in high school.
441
00:15:56,206 --> 00:15:58,458
-No way. I'm from Portland, too.
-Are you serious?
442
00:15:58,542 --> 00:16:00,460
Yes. I used to go there
all the time in high school.
443
00:16:00,544 --> 00:16:01,962
-Oh, my God.
-That's so funny.
444
00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:03,755
(LAUGHTER)
445
00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:07,593
Yeah, I hope you like this place.
446
00:16:07,676 --> 00:16:09,303
I live, like,
right across the street, so...
447
00:16:12,139 --> 00:16:14,099
Oh. (CLEARS THROAT) I get it.
448
00:16:15,142 --> 00:16:16,602
You asked me here because
449
00:16:16,685 --> 00:16:18,937
-you want me to go home with you.
-Wait. What?
450
00:16:19,146 --> 00:16:20,814
No. Um, you know what? I got to go.
451
00:16:20,898 --> 00:16:21,899
I have hockey practice.
452
00:16:21,982 --> 00:16:23,984
-I'm center wing, so they really need me.
-I... Wow.
453
00:16:24,443 --> 00:16:26,570
Okay, I just live across the street.
454
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:29,781
I'm not some weirdo trying to
lure you back to my apartment.
455
00:16:29,907 --> 00:16:31,617
I thought we were kind of hitting it off.
456
00:16:32,034 --> 00:16:33,619
Guess you just make a snap decision,
457
00:16:33,702 --> 00:16:35,495
and then that's it, so...
458
00:16:35,579 --> 00:16:37,873
All right, well, have a good practice.
459
00:16:38,248 --> 00:16:42,252
And by the way,
there's no center wing in hockey.
460
00:16:46,632 --> 00:16:48,884
The Dice Diez! You did it!
461
00:16:49,927 --> 00:16:51,512
This thing is on!
462
00:16:51,595 --> 00:16:53,096
How do you open it?
463
00:16:53,639 --> 00:16:56,391
Oh, wow. This isn't even champagne.
464
00:16:56,475 --> 00:16:58,352
Look, it's a super fancy salad dressing.
465
00:16:58,435 --> 00:17:00,103
That is delightful.
466
00:17:03,941 --> 00:17:06,735
We are celebrating, me and you.
Jess, you can have whatever
467
00:17:06,818 --> 00:17:09,821
you want on the menu.
They got pizza, gelato,
468
00:17:09,905 --> 00:17:11,240
tikka masala.
469
00:17:11,323 --> 00:17:13,992
A raw bar. This place is doing too much.
470
00:17:14,076 --> 00:17:16,036
They can't be doing all this right.
What's wrong with you?
471
00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:17,412
I just don't understand how
472
00:17:17,496 --> 00:17:19,706
what we did today
is gonna help me find love.
473
00:17:19,790 --> 00:17:21,083
Love?
474
00:17:21,166 --> 00:17:22,876
Well, why would you want
to fall in love?
475
00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:24,586
Why else would I go on dates?
476
00:17:24,670 --> 00:17:27,673
The point of dating is just
to keep on dating,
477
00:17:27,756 --> 00:17:29,258
and then never stop.
478
00:17:29,341 --> 00:17:31,343
It's like burning fossil fuels
or seeing a therapist.
479
00:17:31,468 --> 00:17:34,054
No. Schmidt, the whole point
480
00:17:34,137 --> 00:17:37,307
of going on dates is to fall
in love and have a relationship.
481
00:17:37,516 --> 00:17:40,018
Like, don't you ever worry
that you're missing out?
482
00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:43,438
I mean, you're plowing
through all these girls,
483
00:17:43,522 --> 00:17:47,484
and some of 'em might be great,
but you'll never know.
484
00:17:47,568 --> 00:17:49,403
Do you want to go
through life that way?
485
00:17:51,697 --> 00:17:52,823
Yeah.
486
00:17:53,365 --> 00:17:54,616
I don't.
487
00:18:01,623 --> 00:18:03,917
Oh, hey, yeah. I'll take the, um...
488
00:18:04,001 --> 00:18:05,878
the rock shrimp meatballs.
489
00:18:06,420 --> 00:18:07,713
What is this place?
490
00:18:07,838 --> 00:18:09,256
(SHUSHING)
491
00:18:10,174 --> 00:18:12,384
I think my life is going nowhere.
492
00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:13,594
-Oh.
-Mmm.
493
00:18:13,677 --> 00:18:15,721
No, Cece. It's wonderful here.
494
00:18:15,846 --> 00:18:16,930
Do you like to learn?
495
00:18:17,764 --> 00:18:20,058
-I do.
-I see you going back to school.
496
00:18:20,809 --> 00:18:23,061
-I see it, too.
-COACH: Yes, yes.
497
00:18:23,145 --> 00:18:25,105
-I don't see it.
-Yes.
498
00:18:25,522 --> 00:18:27,316
She's a bartender.
How is she gonna pay for it?
499
00:18:27,399 --> 00:18:28,609
She's not very good at it.
500
00:18:28,692 --> 00:18:31,695
(CECE AND COACH HUMMING)
501
00:18:32,696 --> 00:18:33,989
(ALL HUMMING)
502
00:18:34,072 --> 00:18:35,866
(BEATBOXING)
503
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,077
-On the floor!
-Shut up!
504
00:18:39,161 --> 00:18:42,956
(YELLING, OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
505
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:44,082
CECE: Get the dog!
506
00:18:44,166 --> 00:18:46,835
-Get down on the ground!
-Yeah, and stay down!
507
00:18:46,919 --> 00:18:48,545
-(ALL SHOUTING)
-CECE: I'm a student!
508
00:18:48,712 --> 00:18:50,422
OFFICER: Both of you, butts up.
COACH: I'm trying.
509
00:18:50,547 --> 00:18:51,882
I'm trying.
510
00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:54,760
(LAUGHTER)
511
00:18:56,470 --> 00:18:57,930
See, I see you guys were high,
512
00:18:58,013 --> 00:18:59,806
so I got these guys
to come and mess with you.
513
00:18:59,890 --> 00:19:01,892
(LAUGHTER)
514
00:19:03,477 --> 00:19:04,561
OFFICER 2: Let's go, man.
515
00:19:04,645 --> 00:19:06,730
Let's never do drugs again.
516
00:19:06,897 --> 00:19:08,941
That was a lot of fun... Toilet.
517
00:19:09,483 --> 00:19:11,151
"Toilet." Is that... is that my nickname?
518
00:19:11,235 --> 00:19:12,819
DUGAN: Yeah,
'cause living with these guys,
519
00:19:12,903 --> 00:19:15,781
-you got to put up with a lot of crap.
-Lot of crap. (LAUGHS)
520
00:19:15,864 --> 00:19:16,865
DUGAN: Let's get a beer.
521
00:19:18,075 --> 00:19:20,285
Thank you very much.
522
00:19:21,370 --> 00:19:23,705
Flush, flush, what's the rush?
Toilet's coming!
523
00:19:23,789 --> 00:19:24,790
You guys want to go back in?
524
00:19:24,873 --> 00:19:26,375
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
525
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:29,962
-Thanks for coming back.
-Sure.
526
00:19:30,045 --> 00:19:32,422
Look, I'm... I'm really sorry.
527
00:19:32,506 --> 00:19:34,633
Um, I was...
I don't know where to begin.
528
00:19:34,716 --> 00:19:36,635
Uh, my roommate
taught me all of these
529
00:19:36,718 --> 00:19:38,762
phony excuses to get out of dates.
530
00:19:38,846 --> 00:19:41,974
-Wow.
-Anyway, that is not me.
531
00:19:42,474 --> 00:19:43,809
-Okay.
-So...
532
00:19:44,226 --> 00:19:46,353
will you give me another
chance to get to know you?
533
00:19:46,436 --> 00:19:47,604
Yeah.
534
00:19:48,146 --> 00:19:50,691
-Let's go back in and get a drink.
-Yes. Great.
535
00:19:50,774 --> 00:19:54,319
Hey, uh, you know, we can just
make that last date disappear.
536
00:19:54,862 --> 00:19:57,322
Like... this coin.
537
00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:04,705
(LAUGHING) Oh.
538
00:20:05,455 --> 00:20:06,748
You're a magician.
539
00:20:06,832 --> 00:20:08,208
No. Ugh. No.
540
00:20:08,876 --> 00:20:10,252
I'm a comedy magician.
541
00:20:11,503 --> 00:20:12,963
Even better.
542
00:20:13,046 --> 00:20:14,631
And, like a lot of people in comedy,
543
00:20:14,756 --> 00:20:18,051
I have a little problem with,
uh... nose candy.
544
00:20:18,510 --> 00:20:19,928
Uh-oh.
545
00:20:23,056 --> 00:20:24,224
Can't have this. It's my last one.
546
00:20:24,308 --> 00:20:26,351
-(LAUGHING) No...
-I'm kidding. Take it.
547
00:20:26,435 --> 00:20:27,477
-I don't want it.
-Please take it.
548
00:20:27,561 --> 00:20:28,604
No, you take it.
549
00:20:28,687 --> 00:20:30,355
Okay. Let's go in.
550
00:20:32,482 --> 00:20:33,942
(QUIETLY) Schmidt?
551
00:20:34,735 --> 00:20:36,820
I totally didn't think I'd
ever hear from you again.
552
00:20:37,696 --> 00:20:39,364
Well, you know, I just figured,
553
00:20:39,448 --> 00:20:41,575
why not see
if there's something here?
554
00:20:41,658 --> 00:20:43,243
You know, let's hang out,
get to know each other.
555
00:20:43,368 --> 00:20:45,204
There's a coffee place down the street.
556
00:20:45,287 --> 00:20:48,832
Maybe we could go... grab a cup of joe.
557
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:51,752
I don't think you understand Dice.
558
00:20:53,545 --> 00:20:54,755
Okay.
559
00:20:54,838 --> 00:20:56,423
(DOOR CLOSES)
560
00:20:57,090 --> 00:20:58,759
SCHMIDT: Jessica!
561
00:21:00,135 --> 00:21:01,887
I'm late to officiate a giant's wedding,
562
00:21:01,970 --> 00:21:03,430
and these are stuck.
563
00:21:03,514 --> 00:21:04,848
(JACOB GIGGLES)
564
00:21:07,142 --> 00:21:08,560
Now the rings are free,
565
00:21:08,810 --> 00:21:10,854
but the groom
is imprisoned forever.
566
00:21:12,189 --> 00:21:14,149
-I know how he feels.
-You know what they say.
567
00:21:14,274 --> 00:21:16,568
You got to crack a few eggs to, uh...
568
00:21:16,652 --> 00:21:18,237
make an Amish.
569
00:21:19,696 --> 00:21:20,822
It's an egg.
570
00:21:20,906 --> 00:21:22,491
It's an Amish person.
571
00:21:22,866 --> 00:21:25,035
My uncle is on fire.
572
00:21:25,118 --> 00:21:27,287
So, you've seen a rabbit
pulled out of a hat,
573
00:21:27,371 --> 00:21:30,874
but have you ever seen
a hat pulled out of a rabbit?
574
00:21:32,251 --> 00:21:33,836
No, no!
575
00:21:33,919 --> 00:21:36,171
Oh, my...Okay, this date is over.
41735
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