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♪ The end of the
Civil War Was near ♪
2
00:00:05,283 --> 00:00:08,178
♪ When quite accidentally ♪
3
00:00:08,202 --> 00:00:10,681
♪ A hero who sneezed
Abruptly seized ♪
4
00:00:10,705 --> 00:00:14,657
♪ Retreat And
reversed it to victory ♪
5
00:00:16,060 --> 00:00:18,606
♪ His Medal of Honor
Pleased and thrilled ♪
6
00:00:18,630 --> 00:00:21,241
♪ His proud little
Family group ♪
7
00:00:21,265 --> 00:00:23,927
♪ While pinning it on
Some blood was spilled ♪
8
00:00:23,951 --> 00:00:26,630
♪ And so it was
planned He'd command ♪
9
00:00:26,654 --> 00:00:28,032
♪ F Troop! ♪
10
00:00:28,056 --> 00:00:30,684
♪ Where Indian fights
Are colorful sights ♪
11
00:00:30,708 --> 00:00:33,037
♪ And nobody takes a lickin' ♪
12
00:00:33,061 --> 00:00:36,340
♪ Where paleface and redskin ♪
13
00:00:36,364 --> 00:00:38,575
♪ Both turn chicken ♪
14
00:00:38,599 --> 00:00:41,345
♪ When drilling and
fighting Get them down ♪
15
00:00:41,369 --> 00:00:44,014
♪ They know their
morale Can't droop ♪
16
00:00:44,038 --> 00:00:46,633
♪ As long as they
all Relax in town ♪
17
00:00:46,657 --> 00:00:50,570
♪ Before they resume
With a bang and a boom ♪
18
00:00:50,594 --> 00:00:52,377
♪ F Troop! ♪
19
00:01:34,288 --> 00:01:35,488
Wrangler.
20
00:01:36,491 --> 00:01:38,190
Wrangler!
21
00:01:40,728 --> 00:01:41,905
Hi, Wrangler.
22
00:01:41,929 --> 00:01:43,006
Hi, Agarn.
23
00:01:43,030 --> 00:01:44,174
What do you got there?
24
00:01:44,198 --> 00:01:45,876
It's a letter for
Captain Parmenter.
25
00:01:45,900 --> 00:01:47,310
I figured it might be important.
26
00:01:47,334 --> 00:01:48,779
Yeah, it might at that.
27
00:01:48,803 --> 00:01:51,915
Hey, you can't read that.
It's from Army headquarters.
28
00:01:51,939 --> 00:01:54,607
What do you think I'm
wearing, a sailor suit?
29
00:01:58,446 --> 00:01:59,926
Come in.
30
00:02:03,183 --> 00:02:04,762
I have a letter for
you, here, Wilton.
31
00:02:04,786 --> 00:02:05,829
Oh, just a minute, Jane.
32
00:02:05,853 --> 00:02:08,353
Go ahead, Dobbs,
let's hear it again.
33
00:02:24,722 --> 00:02:27,600
Oh, that was just beautiful,
Dobbs. Wasn't it, Janey?
34
00:02:27,624 --> 00:02:29,624
Oh, yes, I always love
"My Old Kentucky Home."
35
00:02:30,627 --> 00:02:32,006
But I was playing "Reveille."
36
00:02:32,030 --> 00:02:34,741
No matter what you were
playing, Dobbs, we loved it.
37
00:02:34,765 --> 00:02:37,178
You ain't just saying
that, are you captain?
38
00:02:37,202 --> 00:02:40,214
Dobbs, if the Confederate
Army had had you for a bugler,
39
00:02:40,238 --> 00:02:42,316
we'd all be eating corn
pone and hominy grits.
40
00:02:42,340 --> 00:02:43,517
Thank you, sir.
41
00:02:43,541 --> 00:02:44,785
Here's the letter, Wilton.
42
00:02:44,809 --> 00:02:46,270
Oh, thank you, Jane.
43
00:02:46,294 --> 00:02:47,704
You know, Dobbs,
44
00:02:47,728 --> 00:02:50,407
you really are soundin'
better with that bugle.
45
00:02:50,431 --> 00:02:52,243
I owe it all to the
captain, Jane.
46
00:02:52,267 --> 00:02:54,478
That man never
stopped believin' in me.
47
00:02:54,502 --> 00:02:56,079
That's why I'm
doing everything I can
48
00:02:56,103 --> 00:02:57,681
to lose weight in
my fat upper lip.
49
00:02:57,705 --> 00:02:59,283
By gosh, it does look thinner.
50
00:02:59,307 --> 00:03:00,950
Oh, I don't believe it.
51
00:03:00,974 --> 00:03:02,118
What is it, Wilton?
52
00:03:02,142 --> 00:03:03,704
I've been transferred
to Fort Riley.
53
00:03:03,728 --> 00:03:05,573
Oh, no.
54
00:03:05,597 --> 00:03:07,541
They can't take you
away from us, sir.
55
00:03:07,565 --> 00:03:09,376
Oh, no, no. It's
just temporary duty.
56
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:10,877
They want me to go
to command school
57
00:03:10,901 --> 00:03:12,379
and take a two-week
course in, uh,
58
00:03:12,403 --> 00:03:15,349
"new techniques
in military strategy."
59
00:03:15,373 --> 00:03:17,918
Wilton, two weeks
is a long time.
60
00:03:17,942 --> 00:03:19,353
Fourteen days.
61
00:03:23,213 --> 00:03:24,946
Agarn. Daagh!
62
00:03:26,083 --> 00:03:27,561
Shh!
63
00:03:27,585 --> 00:03:30,029
Never sneak up on me
like that again, sarge.
64
00:03:30,053 --> 00:03:31,531
You almost scared me to death.
65
00:03:31,555 --> 00:03:32,699
What are you doin'?
66
00:03:32,723 --> 00:03:34,568
Captain Parmenter
got an important letter
67
00:03:34,592 --> 00:03:37,136
from Army headquarters, and
I'm trying find out what's in it.
68
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:38,560
Oh.
69
00:03:40,965 --> 00:03:43,281
Oh, Corporal Agarn,
I'm glad you dropped in.
70
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:46,697
Sorry about that, captain.
71
00:03:46,721 --> 00:03:49,500
My... My horse stop short.
72
00:03:49,524 --> 00:03:51,885
With the captain's permission,
I'd like to go practice.
73
00:03:51,909 --> 00:03:53,542
Very well, Dobbs.
74
00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:57,891
Sergeant O'Rourke,
I'm glad you're here too.
75
00:03:57,915 --> 00:04:00,260
I've just received a letter
from command headquarters
76
00:04:00,284 --> 00:04:03,430
ordering me to report to
Fort Riley Command School.
77
00:04:03,454 --> 00:04:04,798
You're being transferred, sir?
78
00:04:04,822 --> 00:04:06,232
Oh, no. It's just for two weeks
79
00:04:06,256 --> 00:04:09,353
to take a new course in a
new type of military strategy.
80
00:04:09,377 --> 00:04:10,554
Oh.
81
00:04:10,578 --> 00:04:12,222
Well, I'm certainly
glad of that, sir.
82
00:04:12,246 --> 00:04:14,692
Fort Courage would never be
the same without the old man.
83
00:04:14,716 --> 00:04:16,093
Hmm.
84
00:04:16,117 --> 00:04:17,077
What old man?
85
00:04:17,101 --> 00:04:18,078
Well, you, sir.
86
00:04:18,102 --> 00:04:19,530
I mean, you are the old man.
87
00:04:19,554 --> 00:04:21,231
Well, I wouldn't be surprised
88
00:04:21,255 --> 00:04:23,400
if you came back from
that Army school a major.
89
00:04:23,424 --> 00:04:24,668
Oh, now, Janey,
90
00:04:24,692 --> 00:04:26,937
they certainly wouldn't
want to make me a major.
91
00:04:26,961 --> 00:04:28,372
Would they?
92
00:04:28,396 --> 00:04:31,508
If the captain will excuse
me, sir, I'll assemble the troops
93
00:04:31,532 --> 00:04:33,710
so that you can make
your farewell address.
94
00:04:36,670 --> 00:04:37,814
Wilton.
95
00:04:37,838 --> 00:04:40,884
Hmm. "Major Parmenter."
96
00:04:40,908 --> 00:04:43,286
Hey, that does have a...
Have a certain ring to it.
97
00:04:43,310 --> 00:04:44,976
Ooh, Wilton.
98
00:04:49,750 --> 00:04:51,160
Heh-heh.
99
00:04:51,184 --> 00:04:54,019
"Major Wilton Parmenter."
100
00:04:57,725 --> 00:04:59,403
Well, there goes
O'Rourke Enterprises
101
00:04:59,427 --> 00:05:01,538
with you nailed to the
fort for the next two weeks.
102
00:05:01,562 --> 00:05:03,707
Are you kiddin'? This is
the best break we ever had.
103
00:05:03,731 --> 00:05:05,008
How do you figure that, sarge?
104
00:05:05,032 --> 00:05:07,077
With the captain away,
I can finally get started
105
00:05:07,101 --> 00:05:08,378
on the best money-making deal
106
00:05:08,402 --> 00:05:10,080
that O'Rourke
Enterprises ever had.
107
00:05:10,104 --> 00:05:11,215
What's that?
108
00:05:11,239 --> 00:05:13,171
Mail-order brides.
109
00:05:15,042 --> 00:05:17,743
Mail-order brides?
110
00:05:18,379 --> 00:05:20,824
Oh, sarge.
111
00:05:27,321 --> 00:05:29,366
All right, fall in,
on the double!
112
00:05:29,390 --> 00:05:31,301
All right, moved
it, Hoffenmueller!
113
00:05:31,325 --> 00:05:33,002
Jawohl, jawohl.
114
00:05:33,026 --> 00:05:34,771
Hurry it up, if it
took you any longer,
115
00:05:34,795 --> 00:05:36,828
your enlistments would be up!
116
00:05:38,098 --> 00:05:39,543
Sorry about the
bugling, captain.
117
00:05:39,567 --> 00:05:41,778
Oh, you did a very
nice job, Dobbs.
118
00:05:41,802 --> 00:05:43,947
It didn't sound a bit like
"My Old Kentucky Home."
119
00:05:43,971 --> 00:05:45,816
Well, thank you, sir.
120
00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:47,016
Attention!
121
00:05:47,040 --> 00:05:48,502
All right,
122
00:05:48,526 --> 00:05:51,170
now let's pull in those stomachs
and pull back those shoulders.
123
00:05:51,194 --> 00:05:52,506
Look like somebody.
124
00:05:52,530 --> 00:05:54,808
Let's not be to harsh
on them, sergeant.
125
00:05:54,832 --> 00:05:56,409
We're gonna miss you, captain.
126
00:05:56,433 --> 00:05:59,212
Now, men, the captain has
a few words he wants to say
127
00:05:59,236 --> 00:06:00,431
to you men before he leaves.
128
00:06:00,455 --> 00:06:02,599
Thank you, sergeant.
129
00:06:02,623 --> 00:06:06,537
Men, four score and
seven weeks ago,
130
00:06:06,561 --> 00:06:09,372
I was sent here to Fort Courage.
131
00:06:09,396 --> 00:06:12,676
Now, I'm going to be away
from this post for a short time.
132
00:06:12,700 --> 00:06:15,011
And I want you all to
give Sergeant O'Rourke
133
00:06:15,035 --> 00:06:16,563
the same respect you give me.
134
00:06:16,587 --> 00:06:21,168
I hope I don't get any reports
of horseplay and high jinks.
135
00:06:21,192 --> 00:06:24,871
Now, remember... Remember now,
136
00:06:24,895 --> 00:06:27,006
just because the cat's away,
137
00:06:27,030 --> 00:06:29,743
the mice don't
have to act like rats.
138
00:06:38,709 --> 00:06:40,019
For a moment there,
139
00:06:40,043 --> 00:06:41,888
I thought they'd lost
their sense of humor.
140
00:06:41,912 --> 00:06:43,790
Well, it's very hard
to laugh, sir, when...
141
00:06:43,814 --> 00:06:45,481
When you're all choked up.
142
00:06:46,883 --> 00:06:49,096
Now, men, I take
my leave of you,
143
00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:50,763
but while I will be training
144
00:06:50,787 --> 00:06:53,467
with the high
command at Fort Riley,
145
00:06:53,491 --> 00:06:55,402
my heart will be here.
146
00:06:55,426 --> 00:06:57,771
All right, now let's hear it
for the captain! Hip-hip...
147
00:06:57,795 --> 00:06:59,339
Hooray!
148
00:06:59,363 --> 00:07:01,108
Hip-hip... Hooray!
149
00:07:01,132 --> 00:07:03,843
Hip-hip-hooray! Hooray!
150
00:07:03,867 --> 00:07:05,184
Dobbs.
151
00:07:06,971 --> 00:07:08,838
Present! Ho!
152
00:07:25,956 --> 00:07:27,501
Well, don't you worry, captain.
153
00:07:27,525 --> 00:07:30,103
I'm gonna have that gun crew
target practicing every minute.
154
00:07:30,127 --> 00:07:32,038
What do you wanna do,
sarge, blow up the fort?
155
00:07:32,062 --> 00:07:33,640
He may be right, sergeant.
156
00:07:33,664 --> 00:07:35,609
Now, captain, it's
about time this troop
157
00:07:35,633 --> 00:07:36,976
was in a class with its command.
158
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:38,011
Oh, thank you.
159
00:07:38,035 --> 00:07:39,379
Were gonna miss you, captain.
160
00:07:49,947 --> 00:07:52,326
Charlie, look. I know
you're the town drunk
161
00:07:52,350 --> 00:07:54,394
but the saloon has only
been open for 10 minutes.
162
00:07:54,418 --> 00:07:56,363
Charlie, you ought to
be ashamed of yourself!
163
00:07:56,387 --> 00:07:58,832
Oh, nonsense, we're
all very proud of Charlie.
164
00:07:58,856 --> 00:08:02,491
Why, we've got the
fastest drunk in the West.
165
00:08:06,964 --> 00:08:08,730
There's you stage, captain.
166
00:08:10,751 --> 00:08:14,097
Wilton, I've packed you
some goodies for your trip.
167
00:08:14,121 --> 00:08:16,433
Oh, really, Jane?
You shouldn't have.
168
00:08:16,457 --> 00:08:19,436
I packed you some fried
chicken, a lemon meringue pie,
169
00:08:19,460 --> 00:08:21,638
and lookie here,
some oatmeal cookies.
170
00:08:21,662 --> 00:08:23,106
Very good, Jane!
171
00:08:23,130 --> 00:08:26,109
Agarn, you shouldn't eat
that. Those are for, Wilton.
172
00:08:26,133 --> 00:08:29,245
I happen to be the
captain's food taster.
173
00:08:29,269 --> 00:08:30,847
Well, uh, we don't
wanna be late, sir.
174
00:08:30,871 --> 00:08:32,882
And I don't worry want
you to about a thing now.
175
00:08:32,906 --> 00:08:34,606
Everything's gonna
be fine at the fort.
176
00:08:38,545 --> 00:08:40,023
Are you gonna miss me, Wilton?
177
00:08:40,047 --> 00:08:41,157
Well, of course, Jane.
178
00:08:41,181 --> 00:08:42,659
Are you gonna miss
me too, captain?
179
00:08:42,683 --> 00:08:43,760
Why, certainly, Agarn.
180
00:08:43,784 --> 00:08:46,929
Who are you gonna miss
more? Janey or... me?
181
00:08:46,953 --> 00:08:48,587
Bye, Wilton.
182
00:08:51,659 --> 00:08:54,137
Just a handshake
will do, captain.
183
00:08:54,161 --> 00:08:56,128
Well, have a good trip, sir.
184
00:09:00,768 --> 00:09:01,845
There we go.
185
00:09:01,869 --> 00:09:03,268
Oh!
186
00:09:06,774 --> 00:09:09,358
It'll be a little
snack for the road.
187
00:09:10,327 --> 00:09:12,094
Ah, farewell. Goodbye.
188
00:09:13,663 --> 00:09:15,242
Goodbye, sir.
189
00:09:15,266 --> 00:09:17,310
All right. Take it
away. Goodbye, Wilton
190
00:09:17,334 --> 00:09:18,544
Bye, Wilton. Bye, Janey.
191
00:09:18,568 --> 00:09:20,013
Goodbye, Wilton. Bye.
192
00:09:20,037 --> 00:09:22,148
Bye, Wilton. Goodbye.
193
00:09:22,172 --> 00:09:23,583
I'm gonna miss the old man.
194
00:09:23,607 --> 00:09:25,351
Heh. Hey, what old man?
195
00:09:25,375 --> 00:09:26,652
The captain, sarge.
196
00:09:26,676 --> 00:09:28,755
Oh, yeah, that one.
Come on, Agarn. Let's go.
197
00:09:28,779 --> 00:09:29,989
Where are you going?
198
00:09:30,013 --> 00:09:33,048
While the cat's away,
the rats will play.
199
00:09:40,374 --> 00:09:42,853
Dobbs, you're
first. What'll it be?
200
00:09:42,877 --> 00:09:45,588
Blond, brunette, redhead,
tall, short, fat, thin.
201
00:09:45,612 --> 00:09:46,789
We aim to please.
202
00:09:46,813 --> 00:09:49,459
Well, I like a gal
between 21 and 28.
203
00:09:49,483 --> 00:09:50,727
Twenty-one, 28.
204
00:09:50,751 --> 00:09:52,262
Blond, blue eyes. Uh-huh.
205
00:09:52,286 --> 00:09:54,364
Real good personality
and a whale of a figure.
206
00:09:54,388 --> 00:09:56,166
Yeah, fine. We're
all out of that model.
207
00:09:56,190 --> 00:09:57,751
What are you
talkin' about, Agarn?
208
00:09:57,775 --> 00:10:00,037
I bought the last
one. You're wrong.
209
00:10:00,061 --> 00:10:01,622
I thought employees
get preference?
210
00:10:01,646 --> 00:10:04,124
I'll have one for
you and one for him.
211
00:10:04,148 --> 00:10:05,425
They'll probably be sisters.
212
00:10:05,449 --> 00:10:07,766
Hey, corporal, that'll
make us brothers-in-law.
213
00:10:08,986 --> 00:10:10,130
Say.
214
00:10:10,154 --> 00:10:12,599
Say, Dobbs, you
know, you're right.
215
00:10:12,623 --> 00:10:14,400
Why don't you
and the little lady
216
00:10:14,424 --> 00:10:16,369
come over for dinner
one night? We'd love to.
217
00:10:16,393 --> 00:10:17,437
7:30?
218
00:10:17,461 --> 00:10:19,222
Just fine, bye. Bye.
219
00:10:19,246 --> 00:10:21,390
All right Duffy, what'll it be?
220
00:10:21,414 --> 00:10:23,459
I want the same thing
Dobbs ordered, sarge,
221
00:10:23,483 --> 00:10:25,095
only I'd like it in red.
222
00:10:25,119 --> 00:10:26,863
Ah, I think you
made a good choice.
223
00:10:26,887 --> 00:10:29,032
She'll look good in red.
Give him a receipt there.
224
00:10:29,056 --> 00:10:30,100
There we are.
225
00:10:30,124 --> 00:10:31,234
Hoffenmueller.
226
00:10:44,321 --> 00:10:47,384
Sarge, he's orderin' a cow.
227
00:10:47,408 --> 00:10:50,137
No, I think he wants one
of those big opera singers.
228
00:10:50,161 --> 00:10:52,556
It's all right. We'll get what
you want, Hoffenmueller.
229
00:10:52,580 --> 00:10:54,512
Ha? Fine. Danke shön.
230
00:10:55,583 --> 00:10:56,593
Vanderbilt?
231
00:10:56,617 --> 00:10:57,983
I want a girl named Shirley.
232
00:10:59,103 --> 00:11:00,680
Don't you care
what she looks like?
233
00:11:00,704 --> 00:11:02,784
They all looked alike
to me, right, Dobbs?
234
00:11:03,523 --> 00:11:04,656
I'm Agarn.
235
00:11:06,076 --> 00:11:07,688
See what I mean, sarge.
236
00:11:07,712 --> 00:11:10,290
Yeah, that's how it goes.
Thank you very much.
237
00:11:10,314 --> 00:11:11,958
There we are.
238
00:11:11,982 --> 00:11:14,149
No, no, no, no.
239
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:17,764
Another satisfied costumer.
240
00:11:17,788 --> 00:11:19,399
Yeah.
241
00:11:19,423 --> 00:11:22,135
Sarge, how are you gonna
fill out all these orders?
242
00:11:22,159 --> 00:11:23,703
Agarn, in the
matchmaking business,
243
00:11:23,727 --> 00:11:25,839
you solve one problem at a time.
244
00:11:25,863 --> 00:11:27,941
All right, let's
bring your money.
245
00:11:27,965 --> 00:11:29,530
Ha-ha. Now, what will it be?
246
00:11:31,134 --> 00:11:33,179
Sarge, you really think
four mail-order brides
247
00:11:33,203 --> 00:11:34,881
are gonna get off
the stagecoach today?
248
00:11:34,905 --> 00:11:36,115
Will you relax, Agarn?
249
00:11:36,139 --> 00:11:38,451
We got the confirmation
wire almost two weeks ago.
250
00:11:38,475 --> 00:11:40,619
Yeah, but can you trust
that man in Dodge City?
251
00:11:40,643 --> 00:11:43,823
He's got the biggest mail-order
bride business in the territory.
252
00:11:43,847 --> 00:11:46,414
He just happened to be
overstocked on blonds.
253
00:11:47,918 --> 00:11:49,195
There it is. There it is.
254
00:11:53,123 --> 00:11:54,356
Back, back!
255
00:11:58,195 --> 00:11:59,494
Shirley?
256
00:12:01,831 --> 00:12:03,409
Troop! Atten-hut!
257
00:12:03,433 --> 00:12:06,112
Sergeant O'Rourke acting
commander, F Troop, sir.
258
00:12:06,136 --> 00:12:07,546
At ease, men.
259
00:12:07,570 --> 00:12:10,750
Could you give me a hand
please, General Custer?
260
00:12:10,774 --> 00:12:12,785
General Custer?
261
00:12:12,809 --> 00:12:15,454
It's your sword, captain.
It's caught under the seat.
262
00:12:15,478 --> 00:12:17,445
Oh, yes. Thank you, sir.
263
00:12:24,487 --> 00:12:26,399
Well, I'll take leave
of you now, captain.
264
00:12:26,423 --> 00:12:28,434
My congratulations.
Thank you, sir.
265
00:12:28,458 --> 00:12:30,736
I still find it hard to believe
that you've completed
266
00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:33,239
the course in military
strategy in less than two weeks.
267
00:12:33,263 --> 00:12:34,908
It never would have
been possible, sir,
268
00:12:34,932 --> 00:12:36,442
if you hadn't been
an inspiration.
269
00:12:36,466 --> 00:12:38,611
That credits belong
to you, Parmenter.
270
00:12:38,635 --> 00:12:39,901
I hope to see you again.
271
00:12:45,842 --> 00:12:48,087
Good luck on your new
assignment of Little Big Horn.
272
00:12:48,111 --> 00:12:49,522
Thank you, captain.
273
00:12:49,546 --> 00:12:51,224
Driver, you may go.
274
00:12:51,248 --> 00:12:53,559
Come on, boy. Hyah!
275
00:12:53,583 --> 00:12:56,346
Well, it's
certainly... Attention!
276
00:12:56,370 --> 00:12:58,949
You speak when
spoken to, sergeant.
277
00:12:58,973 --> 00:13:01,673
Wilton! Wilton.
278
00:13:03,410 --> 00:13:04,921
This is military business, Jane.
279
00:13:04,945 --> 00:13:06,489
But I only wanted to say howdy.
280
00:13:06,513 --> 00:13:07,490
Later, Jane.
281
00:13:07,514 --> 00:13:09,314
But I... Out!
282
00:13:11,251 --> 00:13:12,517
Bye, Wilton.
283
00:13:13,971 --> 00:13:16,515
Who are you and what have you
done with our Captain Parmenter?
284
00:13:16,539 --> 00:13:18,384
Agarn, one more
remark like that,
285
00:13:18,408 --> 00:13:20,286
and I'll have you shot
for insubordination.
286
00:13:20,310 --> 00:13:22,956
Sergeant, march the
troops back to the fort
287
00:13:22,980 --> 00:13:25,425
and order them to stand
inspection at 6:00 tomorrow.
288
00:13:25,449 --> 00:13:27,115
In the morning, captain?
289
00:13:28,452 --> 00:13:30,363
Assign that man to quarters.
290
00:13:30,387 --> 00:13:33,199
But, sir, we had an
inspection last month.
291
00:13:33,223 --> 00:13:36,702
Agarn, you're getting closer
and closer to that firing squad.
292
00:13:45,318 --> 00:13:47,496
Dobbs, run this man out of town.
293
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:50,132
But, captain, what are we
gonna do for a town drunk?
294
00:13:50,156 --> 00:13:51,500
We're not going to have one.
295
00:13:51,524 --> 00:13:53,970
And I'm ordering
the saloon closed too.
296
00:13:53,994 --> 00:13:55,727
Come on, Charlie.
297
00:13:57,197 --> 00:13:58,741
Oh, and, sergeant,
298
00:13:58,765 --> 00:14:00,342
I want you to
assign a work detail
299
00:14:00,366 --> 00:14:01,878
to begin construction
immediately
300
00:14:01,902 --> 00:14:03,379
of an officer's club.
301
00:14:03,403 --> 00:14:04,781
But, sir, you're the...
302
00:14:04,805 --> 00:14:07,650
You're the only officer we have.
303
00:14:07,674 --> 00:14:09,786
How 'bout that?
304
00:14:26,009 --> 00:14:27,709
They're here! They're here!
305
00:14:29,530 --> 00:14:31,608
Sarge, what about
those mail-order brides?
306
00:14:31,632 --> 00:14:33,209
Relax, will you, Agarn?
307
00:14:33,233 --> 00:14:35,444
The way it's goin' with
Ironpants, we ain't never...
308
00:14:35,468 --> 00:14:37,514
You don't have to worry
about Captain Parmenter.
309
00:14:37,538 --> 00:14:39,816
Don't worry? Last night
he ordered lights out,
310
00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:40,850
and it wasn't even dark.
311
00:14:40,874 --> 00:14:42,068
He's coming.
312
00:15:01,928 --> 00:15:03,590
Bugler, sound "Assembly."
313
00:15:11,788 --> 00:15:12,865
Sergeant.
314
00:15:12,889 --> 00:15:13,900
Yes, sir.
315
00:15:13,924 --> 00:15:15,434
Relieve this man of duty.
316
00:15:15,458 --> 00:15:16,569
But, captain, I'm doin'...
317
00:15:16,593 --> 00:15:19,094
And strip him of his bugle.
318
00:15:20,563 --> 00:15:22,475
Corporal, call the
men to attention.
319
00:15:29,039 --> 00:15:31,985
Men, I would like to
say that I am delighted
320
00:15:32,009 --> 00:15:34,754
to be back at Fort Courage.
321
00:15:34,778 --> 00:15:37,090
That's what I would like to
say, but when I look at you,
322
00:15:37,114 --> 00:15:39,826
the words stick in my throat.
323
00:15:39,850 --> 00:15:42,629
You are the worst-looking
group of soldiers in the history
324
00:15:42,653 --> 00:15:43,730
of the United States Army.
325
00:15:43,754 --> 00:15:45,131
With the captain's permission...
326
00:15:45,155 --> 00:15:46,599
You're out of uniform.
327
00:15:46,623 --> 00:15:48,701
If you don't get a regulation
hat, I'm shipping you
328
00:15:48,725 --> 00:15:50,391
to the Mexican border.
329
00:15:55,298 --> 00:15:56,643
And you, Hoffenmueller.
330
00:15:56,667 --> 00:15:57,966
Jawohl, mein capitan.
331
00:15:59,569 --> 00:16:01,447
If you don't lose 20
pounds, I'm shipping you
332
00:16:01,471 --> 00:16:03,315
back to Düsseldorf.
333
00:16:03,339 --> 00:16:04,851
That goes for all of you.
334
00:16:04,875 --> 00:16:07,241
Either shape up or ship out!
335
00:16:09,445 --> 00:16:11,524
Sergeant, I would like
to see if the gun crew
336
00:16:11,548 --> 00:16:12,792
can fire the cannon,
337
00:16:12,816 --> 00:16:14,560
and if they knock
down the lookout tower,
338
00:16:14,584 --> 00:16:16,963
I want them all thrown
in the guardhouse.
339
00:16:16,987 --> 00:16:18,430
Yes, sir.
340
00:16:18,454 --> 00:16:20,266
Gun crew, fall in.
341
00:16:36,173 --> 00:16:38,323
Does the water tower count?
342
00:16:40,210 --> 00:16:44,089
Until such time as F Troop
can pass one of my inspections,
343
00:16:44,113 --> 00:16:46,793
every man is
confined to the fort.
344
00:16:46,817 --> 00:16:48,561
Dismiss the troop.
345
00:16:48,585 --> 00:16:50,129
Troop dismissed!
346
00:16:50,153 --> 00:16:53,366
Duffy, get a repair
detail on that water tower!
347
00:16:53,390 --> 00:16:54,800
Yes, sir.
348
00:16:54,824 --> 00:16:56,953
Hoffenmueller,
Vanderbilt, Come with me.
349
00:16:56,977 --> 00:16:59,344
Agarn, you come with me.
350
00:17:02,916 --> 00:17:04,260
But where are we going, sarge?
351
00:17:04,284 --> 00:17:06,162
We're gonna go have a
powwow with Wild Eagle.
352
00:17:06,186 --> 00:17:07,663
But you heard
what Ironpants said,
353
00:17:07,687 --> 00:17:09,198
we're confined to the fort.
354
00:17:09,222 --> 00:17:11,768
Yeah, how 'bout that?
355
00:17:11,792 --> 00:17:14,303
You have problem,
you come to right man.
356
00:17:14,327 --> 00:17:16,505
Wise old Indian saying,
357
00:17:16,529 --> 00:17:18,841
"You show me
squirrel with acorn,
358
00:17:18,865 --> 00:17:20,832
and I show you happy moose."
359
00:17:23,469 --> 00:17:24,713
Chief, why don't you wise up
360
00:17:24,737 --> 00:17:26,515
and cut out those wise
old Indians sayings?
361
00:17:26,539 --> 00:17:28,284
Yeah, now look, chief,
we need your help.
362
00:17:28,308 --> 00:17:29,551
We want you to attack the fort.
363
00:17:29,575 --> 00:17:32,021
Attack fort? Never!
You are friend, O'Rourke.
364
00:17:32,045 --> 00:17:33,422
No, you don't understand.
365
00:17:33,446 --> 00:17:35,691
We've got to teach this
Ironpants Parmenter a lesson.
366
00:17:35,715 --> 00:17:38,360
Here.
367
00:17:38,384 --> 00:17:40,462
Take like a peace pipe
and forget the whole thing.
368
00:17:40,486 --> 00:17:42,031
No, no, this is a phony attack.
369
00:17:42,055 --> 00:17:44,801
We just want you to ride around
the fort and hoop and holler.
370
00:17:44,825 --> 00:17:46,803
We'll shoot over your
heads and chase you off.
371
00:17:46,827 --> 00:17:49,505
All right, you
want Indian attack,
372
00:17:49,529 --> 00:17:51,874
we give you Indian attack.
373
00:17:51,898 --> 00:17:53,343
Cost you $20.
374
00:17:53,367 --> 00:17:55,211
Twenty dollars?
375
00:17:55,235 --> 00:17:57,514
That ain't no Indian attack,
that's highway robbery!
376
00:17:57,538 --> 00:18:00,739
Then go to Apaches. They'd
be glad to attack for nothing.
377
00:18:01,675 --> 00:18:03,319
They play too rough.
378
00:18:03,343 --> 00:18:05,054
Fifteen dollars,
take it or leave it?
379
00:18:05,078 --> 00:18:08,441
For $15 I could not even
get squaws to attack.
380
00:18:08,465 --> 00:18:10,243
Seventeen fifty?
381
00:18:10,267 --> 00:18:13,879
For that price I cannot
give you first-class attack.
382
00:18:13,903 --> 00:18:17,283
All you get is six
braves on old horses.
383
00:18:17,307 --> 00:18:19,818
No war paint, no
yelling and screaming.
384
00:18:19,842 --> 00:18:22,505
What's an Indian attack
with no war whoops?
385
00:18:22,529 --> 00:18:25,608
Would you whoop it up for 17.50?
386
00:18:25,632 --> 00:18:27,143
He's got a point there.
387
00:18:27,167 --> 00:18:28,744
All right, we'll
take the $20 attack,
388
00:18:28,768 --> 00:18:30,513
but I want a lot braves,
a lot of war paint,
389
00:18:30,537 --> 00:18:31,814
yelling, screaming.
390
00:18:31,838 --> 00:18:34,483
Now, if you'd like
to go for $25 attack,
391
00:18:34,507 --> 00:18:36,686
five redskins bite dust.
392
00:18:36,710 --> 00:18:38,788
I'll stick with the $20 attack.
393
00:18:38,812 --> 00:18:39,989
O'Rourke. What?
394
00:18:40,013 --> 00:18:43,593
You pay in advance,
cash on drum head.
395
00:18:43,617 --> 00:18:46,229
Wild Eagle, after all our
business deals together,
396
00:18:46,253 --> 00:18:47,719
you don't trust me?
397
00:18:49,223 --> 00:18:51,067
How 'bout that?
398
00:18:56,697 --> 00:18:57,779
Come in.
399
00:19:05,254 --> 00:19:06,499
What is it, sergeant?
400
00:19:06,523 --> 00:19:08,301
Well, I'm afraid I have
some bad news, sir.
401
00:19:08,325 --> 00:19:10,770
Most of the troop had to
report for sick call this morning.
402
00:19:10,794 --> 00:19:13,439
Sick call? Ooh.
403
00:19:13,463 --> 00:19:15,808
Perhaps you better report
to sick call yourself, sir.
404
00:19:15,832 --> 00:19:17,410
I'm perfectly all
right, sergeant.
405
00:19:17,434 --> 00:19:19,978
Well, fine. Well, until
the men are ready
406
00:19:20,002 --> 00:19:22,047
to report for duty, I'm
afraid we'll have to do
407
00:19:22,071 --> 00:19:23,215
with the token guard, sir.
408
00:19:23,239 --> 00:19:24,583
Token guard? Yes.
409
00:19:24,607 --> 00:19:26,118
Do you realize we
could be attacked
410
00:19:26,142 --> 00:19:27,753
by hostile Indians
at any moment?
411
00:19:27,777 --> 00:19:29,221
Did you ever stop
to think of that?
412
00:19:29,245 --> 00:19:31,979
Yeah, I rarely think
of anything else, sir.
413
00:19:48,164 --> 00:19:50,432
Two paces back, sergeant.
414
00:19:56,790 --> 00:19:59,071
Here comes Ol' Ironpants.
415
00:20:01,762 --> 00:20:03,039
You ready, Wrangler?
416
00:20:03,063 --> 00:20:05,441
You can bet a bucket
of buzzards, I am.
417
00:20:05,465 --> 00:20:07,510
All right, you all
know what to do.
418
00:20:07,534 --> 00:20:08,645
Let's hear some moaning.
419
00:20:10,804 --> 00:20:13,315
You call that moaning?
Let's really hear it.
420
00:20:14,975 --> 00:20:16,819
Remember, you're in pain.
421
00:20:16,843 --> 00:20:18,226
Pain.
422
00:20:20,764 --> 00:20:22,242
Malingerers!
423
00:20:22,266 --> 00:20:24,544
We've got some mighty
sick boys here, captain.
424
00:20:28,538 --> 00:20:29,815
Jane, what are you doing here?
425
00:20:29,839 --> 00:20:32,252
I'm taking care of
these mighty sick boys.
426
00:20:32,276 --> 00:20:33,836
Yeah, they're
mighty sick, captain.
427
00:20:33,860 --> 00:20:35,438
You don't even
know what's wrong.
428
00:20:35,462 --> 00:20:38,240
They're suffering from a disease
called the "Parmentercholic."
429
00:20:38,264 --> 00:20:40,209
You make 'em sick.
430
00:20:40,233 --> 00:20:41,594
Sergeant, arrest this woman.
431
00:20:41,618 --> 00:20:43,846
Well, I can't do that,
sir. She's a civilian.
432
00:20:43,870 --> 00:20:45,914
Then draft her, then arrest her.
433
00:20:47,039 --> 00:20:48,517
Captain, wait a minute.
434
00:20:48,541 --> 00:20:49,741
Do you hear what I hear?
435
00:20:50,827 --> 00:20:52,188
All I hear is moaning.
436
00:20:57,917 --> 00:20:59,484
Indians.
437
00:21:00,854 --> 00:21:03,399
Get out of those beds,
men, we're being attacked!
438
00:21:03,423 --> 00:21:04,533
Dobbs.
439
00:21:04,557 --> 00:21:05,668
Don't hit me, captain.
440
00:21:05,692 --> 00:21:07,135
Get back to duty,
that's an order.
441
00:21:07,159 --> 00:21:08,504
I can't, captain.
442
00:21:08,528 --> 00:21:12,207
My head feels like it's been
kicked by a bull with a boil.
443
00:21:12,231 --> 00:21:14,710
You, Duffy, get your rifle!
444
00:21:14,734 --> 00:21:17,546
Oh, my back is killing me.
445
00:21:17,570 --> 00:21:19,214
Hoffenmueller.
446
00:21:19,238 --> 00:21:22,117
Captain, mein
magen ist vergrimmt.
447
00:21:22,141 --> 00:21:24,687
Captain, there was a
time when these men
448
00:21:24,711 --> 00:21:26,389
would have gotten
out of these sick beds
449
00:21:26,413 --> 00:21:28,391
and gone to their
grave for the old man.
450
00:21:28,415 --> 00:21:29,792
What old man?
451
00:21:29,816 --> 00:21:31,894
You, sir. You were the old man.
452
00:21:31,918 --> 00:21:34,296
The men used to call
you "the lovable old man"
453
00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:35,631
behind your back.
454
00:21:35,655 --> 00:21:39,007
And now they call you
"Ironpants" behind your pants.
455
00:21:40,060 --> 00:21:42,460
They call me "Ironpants"
behind my pants?
456
00:21:43,730 --> 00:21:44,974
You've changed, Wilton.
457
00:21:44,998 --> 00:21:46,376
Yeah, she's right, captain.
458
00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:49,834
You're just not the same
boy we sent away to camp.
459
00:21:52,222 --> 00:21:53,800
What do you mean?
460
00:21:53,824 --> 00:21:56,535
Well, beggin' the
captain's pardon,
461
00:21:56,559 --> 00:21:59,272
you're always kind to
Dobbs about his bugle.
462
00:21:59,296 --> 00:22:01,841
I remember you once said to
Dobbs, and I'll never forget it,
463
00:22:01,865 --> 00:22:05,311
"Dobbs, if the Confederate
Army had had you for a bugler,
464
00:22:05,335 --> 00:22:09,048
we'd all be eating corn
pone and hominy grits."
465
00:22:09,072 --> 00:22:11,918
Dobbs, if the Confederate
Army had had you for a bugler,
466
00:22:11,942 --> 00:22:14,720
we'd all be eating corn
pone and hominy grits.
467
00:22:14,744 --> 00:22:15,721
I did say that.
468
00:22:15,745 --> 00:22:17,023
That's right, Wilton.
469
00:22:17,047 --> 00:22:19,926
And you were always nice
to Charlie the town drunk.
470
00:22:19,950 --> 00:22:22,561
I remember you once said,
"We're all proud of you, Charlie,"
471
00:22:22,585 --> 00:22:25,264
"you're the fastest
drunk in the West."
472
00:22:25,288 --> 00:22:27,466
We're all very
proud of you, Charlie,
473
00:22:27,490 --> 00:22:29,601
you're the fastest
drunk in the West.
474
00:22:29,625 --> 00:22:31,603
Yes, and you were
so understanding
475
00:22:31,627 --> 00:22:34,340
when the gun crew sometimes
shot down the lookout tower.
476
00:22:34,364 --> 00:22:36,275
"Anybody can make
a little mistake."
477
00:22:36,299 --> 00:22:39,099
Anybody can make
a little mistake.
478
00:22:40,971 --> 00:22:43,950
And you didn't used to hold
me off with your riding crop.
479
00:22:54,050 --> 00:22:55,628
I'm sorry about your
headache, Dobbs.
480
00:22:55,652 --> 00:22:56,896
I hope it gets better.
481
00:22:56,920 --> 00:22:58,964
And that goes for
your back too, Duffy.
482
00:22:58,988 --> 00:23:01,701
And your farblungent
tum-tum too, Hoffenmueller.
483
00:23:01,725 --> 00:23:04,370
Now, don't you worry,
you men. You just get well.
484
00:23:04,394 --> 00:23:06,205
The four of us will
fight off those Indians.
485
00:23:06,229 --> 00:23:08,674
All right now, men, out of
those bunks, grabs your rifles.
486
00:23:08,698 --> 00:23:10,042
Let's go now!
487
00:23:10,066 --> 00:23:11,744
Let's do it for the old man!
488
00:23:11,768 --> 00:23:13,979
What old man?
489
00:23:14,003 --> 00:23:15,581
Wilton.
490
00:23:15,605 --> 00:23:17,149
Nothing to worry
about now, captain.
491
00:23:17,173 --> 00:23:19,018
Your men will drive
off those Indians.
492
00:23:19,042 --> 00:23:22,254
Yes, isn't it a good thing
they were fully dressed.
493
00:23:29,485 --> 00:23:31,101
Gunners, man your cannon!
494
00:23:50,473 --> 00:23:52,034
All right. Come on
now, quit shoving.
495
00:23:52,058 --> 00:23:54,270
We don't want these girls
to think we're pushovers.
496
00:23:54,294 --> 00:23:55,937
Let's play hard to get!
497
00:23:55,961 --> 00:23:58,641
All right, now stand back
and hang on to your receipts.
498
00:24:05,989 --> 00:24:08,138
Is there a Corporal Agarn here?
499
00:24:10,327 --> 00:24:12,293
Is there a Private Duffy here?
500
00:24:13,797 --> 00:24:16,164
Is there a Private Dobbs here?
501
00:24:17,551 --> 00:24:20,196
And I'm looking for a
Private Hoffenmueller.
502
00:24:20,220 --> 00:24:22,731
W-well, all, uh...
503
00:24:22,755 --> 00:24:25,823
All those men, ahem, have
been transferred to Fort Riley.
504
00:24:27,711 --> 00:24:29,405
All right, take it away!
505
00:24:29,429 --> 00:24:30,957
Heh, take it away!
506
00:24:30,981 --> 00:24:33,314
Oh, really?
507
00:24:37,603 --> 00:24:40,116
All right, all right, all right.
508
00:24:40,140 --> 00:24:41,851
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
37131
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