All language subtitles for Clerks III 2022 2160p BluRay x265 HEVC 10bit HDR AAC 7.1 Tigole-English

♪♪

["Welcome to the Black Parade"
by My Chemical Romance playing]

[bell jingles]

["Welcome to the Black Parade"
continues playing]

[speaks indistinctly]

- [cheering]
- Fuck yes!

- Fuck you!
- Hicks, get over here!

I know, I know!

["Welcome to the Black Parade"
continues]

[indistinct chatter]

[man cheering]

Yeah!

[Jay singing]
♪ Pork roll, egg and cheese ♪

♪ Pork, roll, egg and what? ♪

♪ Pork, roll, egg and cheese ♪

♪ Pork, roll, egg and what? ♪

[Jay moans]

Excuse me.

Yo, is anybody working or, uh...?

You know what you want or what?

Yeah. Can I get three Snoogans pre-rolls?

[mutters] One... One
hundred dollars even.

["Something's Got to Give"
by Roots of Mine playing]

[shushing] Keep it down.

[whistling]

[coughing, sneezing]

[muttering]

["Something's Got to Give" continues]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What'cha looking at, man?
That's how we did it in the '90s, son!

[whistling]

[whistling continues]

[Elias] Wait, wait, wait, wait.

[Blockchain whistling]

Your whistling is affecting your carrying.

Pretty nifty planning.

[whispering]

[snickering]

- The fuck?
- [Elias] Oh, uh, well,

'cause nifty is slang for NFT,

which is a non-fungible token
in our world.

- [scoffs]
- Our world?

Oh, my God, I knew it.

You belong to one
of these religious death cults

where they all wear sneakers to bed
before they kill themselves.

For the last time, Randal,
I'm not in a religious death cult.

Block chain Coltrane and I are co-founders
of the Christian Crypto Club.

[rock music playing]

This is either a Lord of the Rings thing

- or a Jesus thing.
- Hmm.

- [whispering]
- [snickers]

[Elias chuckling]

Blockchain says that Jesus
saves souls, but we buy souls.

It's... [stammers] pretty clever wordplay,

because the Phantasma Chain's crypto
currency unit is called the Soul,

so [chuckling] it's...

You are killing me this morning, you nut.

Oh, shit, I think I get it now.

Get what? NFTs and crypto?

No, not that Beanie Baby bullshit.

Talking about this pair of puds.

Looks like Elias has got
his own Silent Bob.

Oh, this is quite a handjob.

- What?
- Jesus, these Gen Z kids are fucked.

Oh, what a surprise.

Randal has taken the Lord's name
in vain again, Mr. Dante.

Please stop calling me Mr. Dante.
You're 36 years old.

And not for nothing, but how's it taking
the Lord's name in vain

if I don't pray to your Christian god?

If you don't pray to God,
then who do you pray to?

When I'm at my lowest,
I always pray to Crom.

Who's Crom?

- That's Conan the Barbarian's god.
- You know what, Randal?

I really wish you didn't worship
all your false comic book idols

and satanic superheroes.

Batman, The Avengers,
Wonder Woman, AOC.

Come on, man, give Crom a chance.

He may not be all woke
and shit like Jesus,

but homeboy's pretty metal for a deity.

Well, joke's on you, Randal,
because there's only one God.

Yeah, what about Thor? Thor's a God.

Thor is a fictional character
who flies through outer space.

[scoffs] So is your God.

- Mr. Dante.
- His God is the living Christ, Randal.

His God is the Living Dead,
with all that goth-y shit,

like, "drink my blood."
That's fucking vampire talk.

- Mr. Dante!
- Oh, no.

My name is Foo-Foo
and this is between you two.

[scoffs]

[kites clatter]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, freeze.

What the fuck are these?

- Kites.
- No shit.

- But what are they doing here?
- I thought we could sell them.

Are you se... Who the fuck
flies kites anymore?

Lots of people.
Kids today love flying kites.

Kites are cool.

What century is this, Ben Franklin,
and what kind of kid in this day and age

would be remotely interested
in buying or flying a fucking kite?

Did you see they have Jesus on them?

[sarcastically] Oh, well,
all the kids love Jesus.

Who in their right mind is going to buy
one of your creepy Christ kites?

- I would.
- [scoffs] You did, like 30 times.

Maybe we can sell some online.

[scoffs] Online?

The only way anyone on the internet would
care about this old timey bullshit

is if you shot a TikTok trying to jam one
of those Jesus kites

up your Christian dickhole.

[giggling]

[giggles]

- Asshole.
- Thank you.

You know what, Randal?

I don't think there's anything
particularly "metal" about blasphemy.

Shah, blasphemy and biting off a bat's
head are as metal as it gets.

[exhales sharply]

There were two men
who were crucified with Jesus, Randal.

[sighs] Holy fuck.

A Good Thief and a Bad Thief.

If they were caught, I'd say
that makes them both bad thieves.

The Bad Thief said, "If you are
really the Son of God,

get us down from here and save us."

So why is this guy called "The Bad Thief"?

Call him "The Practical Thief
with Common Fucking Sense."

Ah, but the Good Thief said,

"Jesus did no wrong,
whereas we are but thieves."

What the fuck are butt-thieves?

Uh, well, then the Good Thief said,

"Jesus, remember me in your Kingdom."

And Jesus said to the Good Thief,

"Today, you shall be with me in Paradise."

And Paradise is a strip club.

It's not a strip club, Randal.

It's Heaven.

[scoffs] So the moral of your never-ending
story is, even in Heaven,

it's all about who you know.

[inhales sharply]
The moral of the story is,

if you didn't go to Heaven as a guest
of Jesus, like the Good Thief,

where did the Bad Thief go, Randal?

[groans] Not that I want
to prolong your sermon,

but how is it blasphemy
to remind a guy he's the Son of God?

Maybe the Bad Thief thought Jesus
had a Bourne Identity thing going on,

like Jesus fell off a boat, hit his head
and caught amnesia.

"He was born in a manger.
Now he's Bourne again.

Matt Damon is Jesus Bourne

in The Bourne Nativity. "[chuckles]

Heavenly Father, I beseech Thee,

please smite this braying heretic.

[breathes heavily] Ooh.

- Are you okay?
- No, something's wrong, I...

I can't catch my breath.

- Stop teasing me.
- I'm not teasing, I...

I can't catch my breath, man.

Really? Should I try mouth stuff?

What is this, a Tinder date?
Get off of me.

- You said you can't breathe!
- [breathes heavily]

I can breathe.
I just... I can't catch my breath.

What are you doing with your arm?

- I'm trying to breathe.
- You're really sweating, Randal.

It's hot in here, man.
Can we open the door? I got to...

Mr. Dante!

Oh, shit.

I need an ambulance at the Quick Stop.

[siren wailing]

["My Own Worst Enemy (Re-Record)"
by Lit playing]

[on PA] Doctor Ladenheim,
report to the ER.

Doctor Ladenheim, to the ER.

You had to call an ambulance, didn't you?

I just ate too much fuckin' Mooby's,
that's all.

Well, if you know what's wrong,
then I guess I can go home.

- Are you the doctor?
- I'm the doctor.

Dr. Ladenheim.
I'll be your savior this evening.

[cackling madly]

What in the fuck?

I apologize for my wardrobe.
I just came from a costume ball.

Listen, doc, I'm okay. I just...

I can't catch my breath, is all.

On a scale of one to 10, how bad
would you say your pain level is?

My pain level?
It's like a negative three.

Well, you're doing it all wrong.

You're supposed to be in a lot of pain
when you have a heart attack.

Wait a minute. I had a heart attack?

No, that's not what I said.
You misunderstood me.

Oh, thank Christ.

You're having a heart attack
right now as we speak,

a massive one, so we have
to act pretty quickly.

I just wish I wasn't so hungover.

- [sighs]
- I'm kidding.

I'm going to go get all glammed up
for our big date

and I'll see you in the OR.

- Look at me.
- Uh-huh.

Everything's gonna be fine, all right?

- Good. All right.
- He's not gonna make it.

Jesus, could someone page the Good Witch?

What's next, a fucking Munchkin?

♪ Shave and a haircut, two bits ♪

♪ Shave and a haircut,
two bits ♪

I see that you met Dr. Ladenheim

and she wants me to prep you for surgery.

Surgery? No! The doctor just said
I'm going to the O.R.

Right, which is short for operating room,

where they do...
Ding, ding, ding, surgery!

She gotta get into your heart.

Is the doctor going to crack
his chest open?

- Fuck.
- No, no, no.

She's going to thread a camera
through his femoral artery

up to his ticker
through a very small incision.

And where does she make this incision?

In the groin.

- The groin?
- Come on.

So I gotta shave you.
Or I get to shave you,

depending on how much you love your job,
and I love mine.

So as the wife says at 10:00 pm. after
Dateline every single week...

take off your pants.

[sighs]

I gotta shave your groin, sir,
so underwear too.

First, can we establish geography?

Like, where's the groin to you?

Where's the groin to me?

What is this, a metaphysical question?

We're running out of time here
to save your life. So come on, let's go.

Can you avert your eyes, block
your ears and sing something, please?

- Oh, for God's sakes.
- What do you want me to sing?

- Not you, him.
- Oh, right.

All right, here's the deal, Nurse Jackie.

Mm.

- [Dante humming]
- I got a really small dick, okay?

I promise you, it's nothing
I've not seen before,

because I work in pediatrics.

If I take off my underwear, everyone
in the ER. is gonna see my little dick,

including my friend here,
who thinks I got a giant cock

'cause I've been lying to him about it
since we were 12. [grunts]

Is this a long fable, Aesop?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do,
give you a little more privacy.

- There you go.
- Oh, thanks for that.

Unfortunately, this is
as far as you can go,

but we do have a waiting room
that's right down this hall.

I'll be right here when you get out, man.

You got this. [sniffles]

[exhales deeply]

["Mark the Map"
by Carlo Magliocco playing]

[paramedic] We've got a female
with multiple C-spine complications,

internal bleeding
and multiple lacerations.

Blood pressure 10000.

["Mark the Map" continues playing]

[doctor] We're losing her. Starting CPR.

[gasps] Why has he still got
his underpants on?

How am I supposed to get to his femoral
artery if he's wearing Squeezies?

[stammers] I told him, but he's
got some body shame issues.

Look, Doc, I got a really small dick.

I'm trying to save your life
and you're worried about your little dick?

We don't have time for this.

- [ding]
- Whoa.

[sobbing] This is all my fault.

No, it is not, Elias.

I prayed to God to smite Randal,

so Jesus attacked his heart
at my command.

[sobbing]

Randal's mother had heart trouble too.

[sniffles] No, I gotta make Jesus
reverse this.

Pray with me, Mr. Dante.
[exhales sharply]

Oh, my sweet Savior,
hear Your gentle servant.

Spare the heretic I damned in jest.

Remember the words of the Good Thief.

"Jesus did no wrong
whereas we are but thieves."

[mouths] "Butt thieves"?

- A-ha!
- What's up, Doc?

I can tell by your very subtle tattoo
that you're a superhero fan,

so you might appreciate this.

- Uh-huh.
- You know,

they have a name for the type
of heart attack you're having right now.

Really? Okay.

They call it the Widow-Maker.

Now, doesn't that sound like some bad guy
that Ranger Danger has to fight?

Why do they call it the Widow-Maker?

Because in 80% of the cases,

when there's 100% occlusion
like what you have now?

Hands down, patient always dies. Always!

Oh, fuck.

But don't worry,
you're gonna be in the 20%,

because keeping you alive
is good for my brand.

Now, if you excuse me,

I'm going to go fool around
in your little crotch

and I'm going to make a little magic,

but I could use all the help
that we can get.

So if you remember any prayers
from when you were a kid,

now would be a terrific time
to dust those off.

[groans softly]

Are you there, Crom?

It's me, Randal.

Please don't let me die.

He won't answer me.

After all this time devoting
my life to God...

Jesus has abandoned all of us
at Quick Stop.

I think Jesus was always more
of a WaWa guy.

Yeah, well, you know what I think?

I think I wasted my life
believing in bullshit.

I've been conned.

Fairytales, faith and pledging fealty
to a fictional fucking phantom.

And for what?

In my darkest hour, when I need Him most,
the Lord totally ghosts me?

Well, to hell
with all that made-up Jesus jive.

[exhales deeply] Save Randal this night,

and I will swear my soul
to you, oh, sweet Satan.

Satan? Oh, buddy, no.

I mean, isn't he kind of like
the Optimus Prime of evil?

You don't have to condescend to me.

You can just say Megatron.

I'm kind of a Transformers virgin.

[sighs] Well, I'm an actual virgin,

so I know Satan's gonna want my soul.

- For what?
- Evil.

And butt sex, probably.

[sighing] Do you have any lube?

- Are you...
- No!

I don't deserve lube!
Take me, Satan!

- Jesus, pull up your pants!
- Make me your concubine!

- Jesus, pull up your pants!
- No, stop it!

I have to fuck Satan!

And that's when, I shit you not,

Luke fuckin' Skywalker shows up.

Uh-huh.

And I'm talking about the young,
fuckable Luke from Return of the Jedi,

not the Gran Torino, "Get off my lawn"
Luke from The Last Jedi.

[Dr. Ladenheim chuckles] Okay.

- Quick heart update, Mr. Graves.
- [moans softly]

During your thorough retelling
of The Star Wars Show...

The Mandalorian, season two.

I was able to get the stent in place,
so this is where I need your help now.

I'm going to open this stent
and all you have to do

is tell me when you feel
the pressure lets up, all right?

Let's do this, McDreamy.
"This is The Way."

The way to what?

Oh, that's a saying
from The Mandalorian.

- Huh?
- The Star Wars Show.

Okay, listen, we need to hit pause

on all your pop culture references
for a minute

just until we open the stent on three.

One, two, three.

[gasping] Oh!

Holy shit, I can fucking breathe again.

Does this mean I'm gonna live now?

Yes, because I'm an amazing doctor.

You're a better doctor than Doctor Strange
and Doctor Zaius combined.

- Doctor who?
- Oh, no, I don't watch that show,

but I might start now because
I'm fucking alive. [laughs]

"Mazel tov!" as the Chinese say.

Thank you, doctor.
Thank you for saving my life.

You're like the Batman
of heart surgery, huh?

Yeah?

[as Batman] With great power
comes great responsibility.

What the fuck was that?

["Whatever It Takes (Theme from
Degrassi: The Next Generation)" playing]

- You're alive!
- You're alive. Are you okay?

If that was a heart attack,
I'll take another one.

That shit was easy.

Okay, you must be on a lot
of drugs right now.

No, they didn't give me nothing in there.
I had to do the whole thing sober.

He's high as a kite on fentanyl.

Kite imagery, very cool.

See, Randal? Kites are in the air.

Stop with the fucking kites.

One more thing, Mr. Graves.

Since you were
really preoccupied about it,

so much so that you wasted time
and nearly died,

your penis is not that small.

It's not that big,
but it's not that small.

[chuckles] That is the best news
I heard all day.

[chuckling weakly]

Is he going to be okay? How do I help?

Well, if you care about him,
you'll jam a vegetable down his throat.

The guy's got more cholesterol
in his arteries than blood.

Got it. From now on, I'm only gonna order
him food off the vegan menu at Mooby's.

- Him and you.
- Me?

If you're around his age and eat
the same diet as your friend,

you might want to get
your heart checked out too.

Will do.

But here's something I want you
to keep an eye out for

- as regards to Randal.
- Okay.

Middle-aged men tend to go
through a depression

after they've had a heart attack.

Now your friend might sound
or act differently now

because he's come face to face
with his own mortality.

So for the next few months,

do whatever you can do to help Randal
keep his spirits up.

All right? Now my bill is in the mail.

Judgy.

[song continues playing]

I brought you a hat.

Yeah. Thanks.

I can't believe you're still awake
after the day you've been through.

Yeah, I can't sleep.

There was only a 20% Chance I was gonna
make it out of that OR. alive tonight.

Hmm. Is that right?

I mean, I figure I got a 50-50 chance
of dying any time I leave my apartment.

But today,

there was an 80% chance
everything for me was just gonna stop.

There was an 80% chance

you and I were never gonna talk
about Star Wars again.

There was an 80% chance I would never
know for a medical fact

that I got a normal-sized dick.

You always said it was huge.

I was going to miss a lot of shit
if you didn't call that ambulance today.

You saved my life, man.

Tsk.

I wish I had a life worth fuckin' saving.

Come on, man.
What are you talking about?

When I was lying there,
wondering if I was going to die...

I saw the whole movie of my life
flash before my eyes.

And you know what?

It sucked. [scoffs]

I always thought... hoped

that my life was building
towards something.

Turns out it was just the hospital.

What are you talking about?
We built our own business.

So I co-own a convenience store. Big deal.

I never went anywhere
outside of Jersey.

I never fell in love like you.

If I'd have dropped dead tonight, only you
and Elias would remember I even existed.

I mean, look at me, man! I'm almost 50.

I sit around and watch the same stupid
movies over and over.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I don't know. You know so much
about all that stuff.

I always thought you
could have made a cool movie.

[soft piano music playing]

Holy shit.

You're right.

I could make a pretty cool movie.

I've been watching movies all my life,

I've seen all these people
tell their stories,

and never once thought
about trying to tell mine.

Well, fuck that, man.

Since I almost died tonight, now I know
I'm living on borrowed time.

So no more watching movies,

because when I get out of here...

I'm gonna make a movie!

[machine beeps]

[rock music playing]

[Dante] A movie?

Don't you have to go to film
school or something?

It's like 75 Gs a year
to go to NYU Film School.

And you know what those kids pay
all that money for?

- I don't know.
- To watch movies.

I worked in a video store for 20 years

where I sat around
and watched movies all day, too.

So, basically, I went
to my own film school.

Just because you've seen
every movie ever made

doesn't mean you can make
any kind of movie at all.

[scoffs] Tell that to Quentin Tarantino.

[chuckling] Oh, now
you're Quentin Tarantino?

I'm not saying I'm going to make
a movie as good as him,

but I'm not good at sex either, and that
doesn't stop me from trying to get laid.

[scoffs]

[Dante] You want to shoot a movie here,
at the Quick Stop?

Yeah, I've seen convenience
stores in flicks before,

but I've never seen an entire flick
set in a convenience store.

Because who would want to watch that?
It's my life and I barely want to live it.

This movie's meant
to memorialize my life,

and since I spent the last 30 years
of my life working here...

Oh, working?

I got plenty of convenience stories
to put into a screenplay.

Convenience Stories, good title.

Well, what kind of "convenience stories."
are we talking about here?

[laughs] Remember the time we
went to Julie Dwyer's funeral

and you knocked the casket over?

You knocked the casket over.

I did? Well, that's a scene now.

Or how about the time the old guy
was jerking off in the bathroom

and dropped dead?
That's totally a scene, man.

I mean, all the shit you and I
have said sitting at this counter?

These are all scenes now, man.

How about the time you burned
the store down? Is that gonna be a scene?

I'm still pretty sure terrorists did that.

- Uh-huh.
- [bell jingles]

Hey, hey, Motley Crewneck.

Anyone in your Christian Crypto Club

got a non-crypto camera we can borrow?

It's called the Crimson Crypto Club now.

Our first drop's
gonna be all crypto kites.

Oh, put that shit away, Elon Muskrat.

What do you guys need a camera for?

Randal wants to make a movie.

Ooh, like a pornography movie?

No, like a movie-movie,

one with actors and a screenplay
and crafty. [laughs]

What's crafty?

That's where the crew hangs out

and practices witchcraft,
you little devil worshiper.

Cool.

Crafty is where you find
all the food on set,

but if you're shooting in here,
I guess the whole store's crafty.

What's the movie gonna be about?

Mm, it's gonna be about an hour
and a half. I hate long movies.

- It's about him working here.
- Wow. Meta.

Never seen a whole movie set
in a convenience store before.

Right? Thank you.

I'm going to fill the script
with all the weird shit

me and Dante have ever said
or seen around here over the years.

Oh, you should put in that stuff you used
to say about the Death Star contractors.

[scoffs] Get sued by Disney? Fuck that.

Besides, I don't want this movie
to be about other movies.

I want it to be about me.

It's my flick, so I want to write
about the things that I do,

like, um, like how we play
hockey on the rooftop.

I've never seen that done
in a movie or a TV show,

even though it's just fucking practical.

[laughs] Remember that fight where I hit
you in the face with the bread?

That could be a scene.

Or the time I spit water on that old guy?

That's, like, the fucking opening scene.

Ooh, I got an idea. Maybe Jay
and Silent Bob could be characters.

That is the dumbest idea I've ever heard.

Well, you're still gonna
have to get them involved

if you want to set any of the scenes
in your old video store.

All right. Watch the register, dog.

We got to go talk to the Warner Brothers.

What the fuck, man? We heard you died.

Almost. What happened is,
I was taking a shit in the high grass

when a rattlesnake came up
and bit me right on the asshole.

But like the good friend he is,
Dante sucked the poison out.

See, it happened to them too, man.

Listen, when we thought
you were dead, man,

I felt really, really bad,

because in all the time I've been hanging
out in front of this store and stuff,

I forgot to give you something.

Dental School?

Me and Veggie Dick
rented that shit in 1994,

but we never watched it
because we didn't have a VCR.

[chuckles]

But now you can put it on the shelf
in the video store. Oh, yeah.

Uh, the video store closed 10 years ago.

It did?

This was the video store?

Oh, yeah, I'm getting senile and shit
right there, you know?

So listen, how much we owe you,
for late fees?

Uh, well, let's see,

a dollar a day for what, 26, 28 years?

That's, like, approximately $10,220.

Oh, didn't rewind.

$10,220.50.

You take crypto?

You guys got crypto?

No.

If you never watched it,
why was it not rewound?

Hey, asshole, I said we didn't have a VCR.

We watched it. We held it up to the light.

[laughs]

Fucking Luddite.

Listen, we'll squash your giant late fees
on the 28-year-old copy of Dental School

if you let us shoot a movie in here.

Ooh, a pornography movie?

No, it's not a porno movie.

Sex sells, son, and I'm always buying,

because I am the Clit Commander!

Snootchie Bootchies.

["7-Eleven Nachos" by Froggy playing]

Goodnight.

"Thirty-seven?"

That's not a scene, Randal.

Stop writing it right now.
Thirty-seven cannot go in your movie.

Shut the fuck up. It's nighttime!

[Dante] "In Convenience"?

It's the story of my life.
168 pages full of dick jokes,

set in a convenience store,
written in one night.

Maybe don't tell people that last part.

I thought you were going to call it
Convenience Stories.

Yeah, that shit sounded too precious.

Who am I, Wes Anderson? [chuckles]

Not based on this script.

"There is only one return and it ain't
of the King, it's of the Jedi."

Hey, you said that same thing about Return
the day that guy threw up in Mooby's

- and you made me clean it.
- Yeah, everything in the script

is something either me
or someone I know said.

I just made up new names. What am I,
some kind of writer?

Ah, yes. Blockchain would like
to understand

why the two girls
are into this "Dan-T" character

when the Randy character
is much funnier.

Randy has been asking himself
the same question his whole life.

- What's wrong with Dan-T?
- [scoffs]

- Read his first scene on page 37.
- [Dante] Are you kidding me?

I'm in this convenience store
way more than you,

but I don't come into your convenience
store movie 'til page 37?

- I had a lot of exposition to do.
- [sighs]

"Enter Dan-T, a hideous fucking chud
of a man..."

What the fuck?

Well, maybe Dan-T's not you.
Do you ever think of that?

"Dan-T's hideous fuckin' chud
of a beard doesn't suggest Tony Stark

so much as a male crack whore
who is cosplaying as Tony Stark."

That's just in the screen direction.

Nobody actually calls Dan-T "a hideous
fuckin' chud" to his face.

I can't believe you made me Sign
a non-disclosure agreement,

only to read that I'm not even

one of the main characters
in the story of your life.

I mean, I knew I was never the Luke,
but I thought I was at least the Han.

Oh, come on, I'm the Han
and the Luke, right?

Then who am I, the Chewie?

I think Elias is more the Chewie, no?

Unless this is Empire.
Then I'm the Lando, and he's the Lobot.

- I'm not even the Lobot?
- Which one's Lobot?

He's the one with the headphones who looks
like a dad who's trying to be a DJ.

The bald fucker from Bespin who never
says nothing the whole movie.

Wouldn't that make Silent Bob the Lobot?

No. Jay and Silent Bob are clearly
the C-3PO and R2-D2.

I mean, they've been here
since the first movie,

which was the last time they were cool,

but they've been
with the franchise so long,

they still give them cameos
and put them on the lunchboxes.

So if I'm not Luke, Han, Chewie, Lando,

the droids or the Lobot, then who the fuck
am I in your Star Wars?

- Princess fucking Leia?
- No, you're the Dak.

Who the fuck is Dak?

He's Luke Skywalker's tail gunner
in the Battle of Hoth.

You know, the guy who's ready to take on
the whole Empire himself

until the Empire
kills the shit out of him?

[scoffs] Did Dak even get
an action figure?

Not in the classic Kenner line, no.

Because?

Because he was deemed
unimportant to the story.

But that's just bullshit, man.

Without Dak, Luke could have never...

Like, Dak was the only guy that's, like,
uh...

I mean, Dak was plucky
as shit, man, just like you.

Uh... I have a question about the script.

Great, more fuckin' notes. Go ahead.

Yes, I have a problem
with the Friar Fuck character,

who I believe is supposed to be me.

Friar Fuck, uh, loves Jesus...

uh, to what appears to be an unhealthy
degree.

And?

And Elias is a born-again Satanist.

Because it was Satan who saved you

when my prayers fell on the deaf ears of
Jesus,

the giant jerk off. [spitting]

All right, listen up, Friar Fuck.

I get that you just broke up
with your boyfriend Jesus recently,

and clearly you're going through some
couture and cosmetic stuff because of it.

But for the first 36 years of your life,

you were into Jesus to an unhealthy
degree,

and that's the Elias
that I based Friar Fuck on.

Then this script is based on lies.

Welcome to the movie biz.

There's no truth in this art!

Jesus! Everyone's a critic.

So, what do we do next?

What are you asking Dak for?

Well, I can't do this alone.
I need a producer.

- That's your job.
- Me?

What do I know about producing?

Come on, I'm already writing
and directing.

I can't do everything, man.

All right.
What does a producer do?

Just build us a schedule,
keep us under budget,

secure a DP, and most
importantly, find us financing.

What? I gotta get money too?

How much are we talking about here?

Mm, 25 grand.

Twenty-five thousand dollars?

Well, technically, it's $27,575,

but it would be way more
if we were in Canada.

Where the fuck am I supposed to
find that kind of money from?

We can find that kind of cash.

What? How?

We launch our crypto kite NFTs
next month.

So the Crimson Crypto Club could
have a lot of money to invest

if the crypto kites fly.

Again with the fucking kites, guys.

We need real loot to make a real movie,

not your make-pretend Matrix money,
you fuckin' kite fucker.

I'm sick and tired of the kite
killing attitude around here.

[scoffing]

[bell jingles]

Anyway, back to the budget,

what if we took out a loan
against the store?

A loan? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why don't we just slow down a minute
and think about this first?

Slow down? I almost died, man.
It doesn't get any slower than that.

I'm not getting "all Dante" about this.

Uh, what's that supposed to mean?

You're the guy who can never decide
whether to shit or get off the pot.

Well, I don't have time for that anymore.

For now on, I'm gonna shit bricks,
or what's the point of being here?

So come on, man, get behind me
when I shit for once.

So I can what, wipe your ass?

[scoffs]

You know I don't want to get "all Dante"
about this,

but find someone
else to take your shit.

♪♪

[Becky] Well, well, well,
here he is,

the escape artist.

I Sit on Your Grave.

Didn't we have that movie
at the video store?

I Spit on Your Grave.

Hicks, you spit on my grave in a dream,
you better wake up and apologize.

Ah, so this is a dream.

If it is, then you need to learn to dream
bigger.

I mean, really, this is the best
that you can do?

A cemetery?

You can't dream us into sex...

on the beach... in Hawaii?

Like you'd want to have sex
with me now.

[groans] I'm an old man.

I'll have you know that being dead
only increases your sex drive.

[laughs]

The dead live to fuck.

So you have sex in the afterlife?

Hell's yeah.

There's nothing to do in Heaven
except fuck.

That's what makes it Heaven.

I can't believe my wife's having sex with
dead people.

Famous dead people.
I'm on the celebrity circuit now.

Bullshit. Name one famous person
you fucked in Heaven.

One? Okay.

I have knocked boots with
the ghost of Cleopatra, sir.

And Miles Davis
and Frederick Douglass together.

George Washington...
- What? - Carver.

Oh.

You know how much I love peanut butter.

- True.
- Who else?

- Um, Carl Sagan.
- Oh!

A real thinker. Um...

Malcolm X?

- Malcolm triple X.
- Oh, settle down.

And I'm sure you're letting them
all go ass to mouth.

Uh, yeah, they're famous.

[chuckling]

You think I want this, don't you?

You carrying the torch for me?

I told you how I feel
about romantic love, Hicks.

Oh, I remember.
You were very convincing.

- Mm.
- Right up until the day I proposed.

We only knew each other for,
like, 15 minutes.

You've been mourning me
for, like, 15 years.

So what do you want me to do?

You want me to just forget about you?

You were all I ever dreamed about.

Both of you.

Now...

God, I'm so alone.

[crying]

I know

I know losing me and Grace
broke you.

But you don't know how lucky
you have it.

[sobbing] What?

The Book of Life is closed
for the two of us.

But you can still turn a page.

You get to keep writing
the story of your life.

Why bother without you?

Because there are
more tales to tell, Hicks.

As long as you're alive, you can always
start another chapter.

So live while you can,
love while you can.

Goddammit.

Dream bigger.

[sniffles] That all sounds pretty
romantic,

coming from a girl who doesn't believe in
romantic love.

I don't believe in romantic love.

That's my girl.

But I do believe in you.

[chuckles echo]

[sighs]

["Positively Clark Street"
by Telethon playing]

Hey, I want to thank you guys
for having me here today.

I've always wanted to be an actor.

Nice.

[yelling] I'm not even supposed to be here
today!

I'm not even supposed
to be here today.

I'm not even supposed to be
here today.

I'm not even supposed to be here
today. [cries]

[speaking Spanish]

[whiny] I'm not even supposed to be here
today.

I'm not even supposed to fucking
be here to-fucking-day, fucks.

Oh, Shit!

I thought that was the police. I'm not
even supposed to be here.

By the power of Grayskull,

[yelling] I'm not supposed
to be here today!

Hey, I'm Joe. I'm 45-years-old, recently
divorced,

and I figured I'd give this shit a go.
Uh...

[rapidly] I am not even supposed
to be here today.

Damn right.

[humming quietly] Lion face, haah!

Lemon face, mmm!

I'm not even supposed
to be here today.

Um, ahem, a little about me.

I'm known professionally
as Boston John.

That's a nom de plume.

Uh, Robert De Niro
is my fuckin'—- lodestar.

You know what I'm... Close your eyes. Just
close your eyes.

Just listen. Ready? All right?

[as Robert DeNiro] I have nipples, Greg.

Could you milk me?

Fuck, I was one, bitch. All day.

Can you give me one like Schwarzenegger?

[imitating Schwarzenegger] I'm not even
supposed to be here today.

But can you, uh, Pacino that shit?

[as Pacino] Ooh-ahh!

[yelling] When, Lord?!

When will I see the goddamn sailboat?!

That came from a real deep,
personal place.

I have a BFA. I'm a theater
background actor.

As an actor with a theater background,
I was classically trained in New York.

Have you actually thought about going
musical with this? Because it could be...

♪ I'm not even ♪

♪ Supposed to be here ♪

♪ Today. ♪

Hah, yeah-Che!

Kick, ball change,
and snap, snap, jazz hands.

That is beautiful, man.

Freddie Prinze Jr.

"I'll fuck anything that moves."

Wait... wait a minute, man,
is this a porno?

I'll fuck anything that moves.

I'll fuck anything that moves.

I'll fuck anything that moves.

That's a little bit in your face.
Let me try like this, hold on.

Can I borrow your underpants
for about 10 minutes?

I'll fuck anything that moves.

And, fool,
I always carry a machete.

I'll fuck anything that moves!

Sounds like the guy I buy weed
from.

You know this movie needs? Deez.

Deez nuts!

Can I just offer you a piece of advice?

You know what this script
needs right here?

Like an old lady that says curse words.

Holy shit, who wrote this garbage?
His mother should be ashamed.

The fuck?

He's auditioning for Silent Bill.

[scoffing]

I don't know if you know Sound
of Music,

but the marionettes were
the best part of that.

I think that's why they won Oscars.

It's worth thinking about maybe doing
the whole movie with marionettes.

- Take your heart pills, Tin Man.
- Hey.

So, how's it going with the financing?

You raise my money yet?

If it's your money, then how come I have
to raise it?

That's Hollywood.

[chuckles]

Did you finish reading
the script?

- Last night.
- And? It's funny, right?

It's funny,

but it was like my entire life flashed
before my eyes.

My life flashed before your eyes.

I was glad you left some stuff out.

So, uh, which one of these guys
gets to play me?

Well, the guys are too young
and hot to play you.

What the fuck?

And nobody's nearly funny enough
to play me.

So then what are you gonna do?

I'm going to play my part myself.

["Positively Clark Street"
continues playing]

All right, already, we're closing. Gee
whiz!

Why? You're highly offending me!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus.
I'm sorry, ma'am, we're... closed.

It's me, Randal.

Huh. Cool. Blade Runner,
I like that.

Thanks. What's a Blade Runner?

Can we get back to you acting
in a movie that you're directing,

even though you've never acted in or
directed a movie before?

It worked for Orson Welles.

[scoffs] You're not an actor.

Neither was Howard Stern, but he
acted in the movie about his life.

[scoffs] If you call that acting.

You think you can do better?

Better than Howard Stern did
in Private Parts?

It's not a high bar.

Great, because you're playing Dan-T.

What? No, no, no, I'm not. I can't act.

You're as good as any of the
jokers we saw at the audition.

Besides, if I'm gonna play me,
you gotta play you.

You have to do this, Mr. Dan-T.

Oh, for God's sakes,
please stop calling me Mr. Dan-T.

That's another thing.
Fuck all the fake names.

What is this shit, Mad Magazine?
Randal is playing Randal.

Dante is playing Dante, aka Mr. Dante,

and Elias... is playing Elias.

I'm in the movie too?

Yup, and as a Satanist playing
a Christian, you've gotta act the most.

It's my very own chance to transform.

And transform you shall, Bumblebee.

Soon as Mr. Dante secures
our fuckin' financing.

Yo, it's too bad you didn't marry that
Emma chick,

the one with the big clit?

Wasn't she like some kinda car wash
heiress or something?

Can you focus?

Even if we do play ourselves, you still
got to cast all the customer parts.

Why am I casting customers
to say all this stupid shit

when I still see the real customers

who said all this stupid shit in the first
place come in here every day?

They can do it.

Oh, my God! You can't just turn
regular people into movie stars.

Noinch, Noinch, Noinch!
Smokin' weed, smokin' weed!

Pack of wraps, my good man.

Time to kick back, drink some
beers and smoke some weed.

You own a whole weed store.

Hey, Randal, I've got an idea.

What if Jay and Bob
play Jay and Bob?

Well... we can ask 'em. Yo!

Youse guys want to be in my movie?

- Ooh, a pornography movie?
- [Randal] It's not a porno movie.

It's the movie we're shooting
in your store.

That movie? You still ain't done?

We haven't even started yet.

I don't know. Who would we be
playing in this movie?

Well, it's these two characters I kinda
based on you and Maggie Simpson here.

Check out your first scene.

[Dante] These guys aren't real actors.

But they are real fucked up
and I could work with that.

This doesn't sound like me at all.

What are you talking about?
All the shit in there

is all the stuff I've personally
heard you say around here.

I do not talk like this, man.

Why do you have me saying stupid shit
like "Snootchie Bootchies" all the time?

I'll tell you what, if you guys play
yourselves in the movie,

I'll let you guys
be in charge of crafty too.

So what's crafty about?

Well, in addition to being
the comic relief in the movie,

you'd also be in charge
of all the food on set.

Ooh, we learned about food prep
back when we ran the fucking Cock Smoker.

Wasn't that place just a drug front?

[chuckling] No. We had drugs in the front
and drugs in the back.

So if Elias is playing Elias,
and these dopes are playing themselves,

who are you going to get
to play Veronica?

Well, funny you should ask,
'cause earlier today

I sent the script to someone who will be
absolutely [clicks tongue]

perfect to play Veronica.

[bell jingles]

Who the fuck do you people think
you are?

- Veronica?
- What is this filth?

What is this gamey, tawdry trash

that makes me out to be
some slutty sex maniac?

It's just a movie I'm making
about my life,

and I thought it'd be fun for you to play
yourself in it.

Oh, you did?

- Yeah.
- Then you are fucking sick.

Hey! Watch it with my artistic expression.

Artistic expression?
That's my life!

It's my life.

- Okay, everybody, calm down.
- Jeez.

Oh, come on, you would have killed to have
been in a film in college.

You majored in drama.

I minored in drama.
I majored in oral surgery.

All hail the queen of oral.

- Fuck you.
- Surgery.

You didn't let me finish.

And I'm not going to let you
finish this film either,

not with me as a character.

I'm not some fucking joke you get to tell
in your dirty little 8 movie, you...

two-bit, strip mall Soderbergh.

I see myself more like retail's
Richard Linklater.

You want to do this? Fine,
but leave me out of it.

Unlike either of you,
I've got a grown-up job,

and unlike either of you, I've got a
family.

Oh, man, I'm so sorry.

I... sorry.

["Late Night Love Song"
by Ben Bateman playing]

Please don't cry.

[exhales sharply]

It's just been
a shit day. [sobbing]

I had two cancellations,
my ex calls to tell me

that he's not putting our
daughter's car on his insurance,

and so now, somehow,
she's pissed at me.

And then I see you, and...
and say that shit.

It's okay. Really.

I kinda feel like-—
I feel like such an asshole.

Hey, Ronnie.

If Randal told me he was going to send you
the script, I would've said no way.

But now? I'm glad he did.

Because it's... it's really nice to see
you.

Even under the circumstances.

And you look great.

[scoffs]

You look way younger than I do.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

How young you think I look?

You don't look a day over... 37.

[chuckling]

So, um... you want to fuck?

["No Hope (feat. Reel Big Fish)"
by Lo(u)ser playing]

You think this means
Veronica is in?

I think it means Dante sure is.

"Silent Bob, you are a rude motherfucker.

But you are cute as hell."

Ahem.

Silent Bob! You are
a rrrrr-rude motherfucker!

But you're cute as hell!

[sneezing]

- I brought the cat, Randal.
- Perfect.

We don't want him going anywhere near
a litter box until we're ready to shoot.

So you're going
to have to hold him all day.

But I'm allergic to cats.

You got to suffer for your art, man.

But it's not my art, it's your art.

Shouldn't you be the one doing the
suffering?

I didn't suffer enough when I
almost died from a heart attack,

which, I might add, was after
a heated exchange about kites?

My allergies have made me immune
to your emotional blackmail.

[bell jingles]

Check out this acting.
[clears throat]

Silent Bob, you are a rrrrr—rude—rrrrr
motherfucker!

But you're cute as hell!

Very natural, and subtle.
I like it.

So, how are you feeling today?

Oh, you know, I feel like that kid that
worked in the video store,

fully fluent in the language of cinema.

- It's like I was born to direct.
- No, bro.

I mean, you had a heart attack last month.

Oh, that. No, I feel fine.

How do you feel today after your Range
Rover sleepover last night?

Stop it.

When I said to be a producer, I didn't
mean produce a late-in-life child.

Unwilling producer.

I didn't ask for this job,
but I am doing it.

So I have a meeting today
about money.

Fucking A, that's producing, J.J.

And I found you a cinematographer.

- What?
- May I present to you...

Shooter Bob.

Silent Bob is gonna be our DP?

Shit yeah, we all going to be doing DP's!

Uh... DP is the name of the job.

You said it was cinematographer.

The cinematographer is the DP.

Man, don't be acting like you know
all the industry slang and shit.

Me and Silent Bob are the only ones here
who've actually been on a movie set.

- Twice.
- [scoffs]

Come on.

Yes, he's an unconventional choice,
but you are an unconventional filmmaker

making an unconventional film.

Yeah, you want me to entrust
the story of my life to The Quiet Place.

He has some really nice shots on
his Instagram.

Come on, give him a chance, man.

Maybe he speaks the language of cinema
like you do.

The guy never speaks at all.

Okay, so we just scouted in here,

and the colors are fucking ugly.

So Silent Bob wants to shoot
the whole movie in black and white.

Schindler's List black and white? What is
he, nuts?

Uh, no, I'm a fucking filmmaker.

And any filmmaker
worth their salt

would know that the colors in
this place are fucking ghastly.

The only way you could deal with them is
to neutralize them

by going in black and white,
which will also kind of act

as a commentary
on the soulless nature of commerce,

while subliminally giving
the audience the impression

that they're watching our heroes

from the perspective
of an imaginary store security cam.

- That's what I was thinking.
- Mm-hmm.

- That's what an artist thinks.
- Yup.

But, you know, it's up to you.

However, I'm shooting it in black and
white,

or I ain't shooting it at all,
motherfucker.

That's right.

- [exhales sharply]
- [FaceTime ringing]

Jesus, he looks fat.

You're not on mute, Emma.

I know. So? Hello.

Hi, you. How's Florida?

Full of assholes, but at least
it's not Jersey.

What do you want, Dante?

Okay, uh... this is gonna
come out of left field,

but, um, I was hoping
I could borrow some money.

Fuck no.

It's not for me. It's for Randal.

Oh! Then double fuck no.

He had a heart attack, Emma.

Good. I hope he dropped dead.

He didn't.

So he needs the money for... for the
hospital bills.

- Randal doesn't have any insurance.
- So the fuck what?

Even if I wanted to help,
which I don't,

I'm not giving Randal Graves
any free money.

Emma, please.

You and I once promised that if
we ever needed help,

we'd always be there for each other, no
matter what.

That was before you cheated on
me at a fucking donkey show.

Goodbye, Dante.

- No, no. Wait, wait, wait.
- [groaning]

Please, Emma.

I'm desperate here.

Do you even have any collateral?

If I have to...

I can sign over my half
of the Quick Stop as collateral.

That shithole? Ugh.

- What's all this about?
- We're making a movie.

No shit. A pornography movie?

How long does that take?

Twenty—one nights. It's going to take my
auteur friend here

twenty-one nights for him to cinematically
suck his own dick.

In a row?!

"In Convenience."
I don't get it.

Scene 10, take one!

- Cat wrangler!
- [loudspeaker feedbacks]

[wheezing]

[body thuds]

[wheezing weakly]

All right, let's go.

- [loudspeaker
beeps] - And... action.

Holy shit.

We got poop.

- [loudspeaker feedbacks]
- And action.

Fuck ["Habanera"
from Carmen playing]

What are you waitin' for? Dance!

I ain't doing this
with all these fuckin' people watching.

Oh, my God.

- [loud feedback]
- Cut.

The talent's being a little bitch.

Can you guys wait in the video store?
I'll run the camera.

Unbelievable. Really?

There, you happy? I cleared the set.

So fucking dance, man.

You fucking dance! Bitch.

And... action.

What the fuck, JoJo Siwa?

Look at this fucking guy looking at us!

He's not even paying attention.
Gee whiz!

You have to go inside too, cuck.

Who the fuck is gonna run the camera?

Push the button and walk away.

Oh, my God.

[camera beeps]

All right.

Action, I guess.

["Find Your Way Back"
by Jefferson Starship playing]

[song continues]

All right, now, hold on to the counter.

I'm going to pull, okay? Here we go.

[groaning quietly]

[grunts]

Action.

We need some tits and ass, yeah!

["Find Your Way Back" continues playing]

Cut. Ha-ha.

Nice job, nice work.

All right.

All right, we're doing the same
shot just over to this door.

[continues indistinct]

Let's get the sticks over there.
Elias, you with us?

Okay, we're doing the same thing.
We're just, kind of, coming over here.

We're going to stay on the same angle...

And... action.

You know, there are a million
fines in the world, dude.

[Randal] "Millions of fines?"
What the hell, man?

That's not the line.

"There's a million fine-looking
women in the world, dude."

There are a billion behinds
in this world, dude! Woo!

Not "billions of behinds."

"A million fine looking women."

You know, they're killing swines
in the world, dude.

Jesus fucking Christ, you non-acting fuck!
I will do it myself!

Ahem!

You know, there's a million fine-looking
women in the world, dude,

but they don't all bring you
lasagne at work.

Most of them just cheat on you.

- You All About Eve-ning fuck.
- Well?

Fasten your seatbelts.
It's gonna be a bumpy night.

So that's it. He doesn't love you anymore.

- He loves Caitlin.
- And he told you all this?

Pretty much, all except
the latent homosexuality, but...

What the fuck, man?
We're making a movie, here. Egh!

[Randal] It's nothing compared
to how my cousin Walter died.

- [Dante] How'd he die?
- He broke his neck.

That's embarrassing?

He broke his neck trying to suck
his own dick.

Holy shit, man. Is that shit true?

Are you nuts? Shut the fuck up.

We're shooting a scene here.

["Find Your Way Back" continues]

Uh, what the hell is this?

The story needs a little action,

so I added a scene where Cohee comes in
to rob the place at the end.

- And in the process, you get shot.
- No way.

I'm not letting you kill me off in the
third act.

What if there's a sequel?

A sequel? What am I, a hack?

Cohee, producer says
I gotta cut your scene, man.

Yo, I'm still pay or play, right?

Publicity? Isn't it a little early
for that?

I've been reading the paper my whole life,

and the only time I've seen my name in it
was under the headline

"Local grocer
has massive heart attack."

So I thought, in your official capacity
as producer,

maybe you can get
a cub reporter over here

to do a story
about your director in action.

"I assure you we're open."

I don't get it.

Some savages are always
sticking gum in the locks,

so I wrote it into the script

to be the reason the shutters
are closed all day.

That way, we can shoot at night
and pretend it's day out.

I fucking hate how fake Hollywood is.

[Randal] I don't appreciate
your ruse, ma'am.

- I beg your pardon?
- Your ruse.

Your cunning attempt to trick me.

This is the last time I rent here!

- You will be missed.
- Screw you!

- You're not allowed to rent here anymore!
- Yeah!

And cut.

Nice work, nice work.

Okay, now just give me 10 minutes
and then I'll be ready to do mine.

Your what?

Wah, Ricky!

This is the last time I rent here!

Wah!

I don't get it.

She wanted to do one as Lucy.

Empire had the better ending.

I mean, Luke gets his hand cutoff,
finds out Vader's his father,

Han gets frozen taken away by Boba Fett.
It ends on such a down note.

- Cut.
- What? What happened?

"Han gets frozen
and taken away by Boba Fett."

I said that.

No, you said, "Han gets frozen,
taken away by Boba Fett."

You left out the "and."

- Do I come in now, Randal?
- Not yet, Thomas. Go back out.

You can blame Dante
for ad-libbing all over my movie

- like he's Seth fucking Rogan.
- Oh, my God, I left out one word!

Every word is sacred to the writer.

This isn't writing. It's a bunch of shit
that happened for real in my life.

My life.

- Do I come in now, Randal?
- Not yet, Thomas. Back.

Oh, man, Thomas fucked up again?

- Stop fucking shit up, Thomas.
- [Thomas Jr.] Hey, fuck-o.

What'd you say to my father?

How about I fuck your shit up,
you fucking fuck-hole motherfucker?!

Shooter Bob!

That is the Jersey-est thing I've ever
heard or seen in my life. [laughs]

And action.

That's your lung. By this time,
your lung looks like this.

So why don't you put the cigarettes back
and try some gum instead?

Here, Chewlie's gum, try this.

Oh, my God, that reeks!

- God...
- What is that?

What happened to the model
of the lung I gave you?

I'm a method actor. I ditched the model
lung for this tripe I got at FoodTown.

Jesus.

I used my power of stagecraft
to see that stomach as a lung.

It's method!

[trainer] And you're Dante Hicks.

We went to the same school.
You played hockey.

Yeah. How'd you know that?

You still going out with her?

No, she's getting married.

- To you?
- No. To an Asian design major.

- [Randal, quietly] What is...
- You know what?

Cut, cut, out! I can't abide
by this racist shit.

Racist? How the hell is it racist?

Just look at all
this fucking lack of diversity.

And calling some guy
an Asian design major

- just feels racist.
- [Randal] That's not racist.

The guy literally majored in Asian design.

Are you sure?

Wasn't he a, uh, Asian student
who was also a design major?

He was a passionate student
of Asian design.

It just so happens he himself
was coincidentally Asian.

Take it easy, man.

So, uh, where are we going to shoot
the Donkey Show scene?

Where it happened. Mooby's.

- Our Mooby's?
- Yeah.

How are we supposed to get in?

I got the locations department
working on it.

It's stuck in my hair. Shit.

Can you get it?

Ugh. I hate wearing the Mooby suit, man.

♪♪

["Sally Walk" by Iminikon playing]

Come on, boys, let's go!

["Sally Walk" continues playing]

[train horn blaring]

No.

No what?

- No, I can't go inside.
- Tsk.

- Of course you can.
- Becks, I can't.

We had the best times
of our lives in that place.

Until one of our lives ended.

[sighs] It's just a building, Hicks.

It's just a building
I haven't been inside since...

[voice breaking] since
you... I know. I'm sorry.

[whimpering]

Just turn the page.

You can do this, babes.

No... [whimpering]

Don't go.

♪♪

[bell jingles]

Uh, Randal?

This is Lisa and her daughter Lisa.

Uh, Lisa goes to high school
at Henry Hudson Regional.

And this is my husband, Lando,
who can go straight to hell.

I'm so mad at you. Don't say
a damn word the whole night.

Don't even think words!

Uh, we're gonna shoot a movie in a minute,

so I gotta chase you guys out of here.

Oh, okay, my bad. I guess you don't want
press for your little YouTube video, then.

Did you say press?

Mr. Dante asked them to come
here to cover the shoot.

So you're saying little Lisa is a...

Ah! High School Lisa.

Don't call her little Lisa,
and you better not call me big Lisa.

High School Lisa writes
for the high school newspaper?

And her parents are the chaperones.

Fucking great.

Even though one parent just came
out of the strip club tonight

spending all my $5 bills
that I got a bingo. Bitch!

[slurring words] Hey!
The producer's on set.

So lights! Camera! Action!

He looks drunk. He looks like he needs
a piece of butter and bread.

Ooh, it's cold in here. Cough cold... hey!

All right, look, I realize going
to Mooby's might have hit you hard,

but you just take off?
We couldn't even shoot the donkey show!

- Oh, big deal!
- What the fuck is wrong with you, man?

Try thinking of somebody other
than yourself for once.

Myself?

Okay, we're going to shoot this scene

because the kid from the high school
newspaper and her mom are waiting.

Thanks for understanding
the assignment on that one.

But since you showed up here
shit-faced and ruined tonight

before we even had a chance to roll,
we're going to re-shoot this tomorrow.

So get your selfish ass
out there on that cooler

and let's pretend for a minute you've
actually been helpful on my movie,

which is, like, the only thing
I ever asked you to do for me,

and only after I almost dropped dead
from a fucking heart attack.

You're fucking unbelievable, man. Come on!

[walk-in door opens and closes]

In Convenience. Stupid title.

Scene 137. Take one.

Are they shooting this in black and white?

I see a lot of white.
I don't see the black.

And action.

[humming the theme song from Jaws]

Salsa shark!

We're gonna need a bigger boat.

Man goes into cage, cage goes into salsa.

Shark's in the salsa. Our shark.

Oh, what? What's with you, man?

You haven't said anything in,
like, 20 minutes.

- What the hell's your problem?
- This life.

"This life"?

I'm stuck in this pit on my day off,

dealing with every backward
assfuck on the planet.

I smell like shoe polish

and my girlfriend sucked 36 dicks.

- Thirty-seven.
- [Lisa] Oh!

Cover your ears, baby girl.
Why the fuck are they cursing like that?

You need to shit or get off the pot.

- What the hell are you talking about?
- I'm talking about this thing you have,

this inability to improve
your station in life.

- Fuck you.
- It's true, man.

You sit there and blame life
for dealin' you a cruddy hand,

never once accepting responsibility
for the way your situation is.

You better leave me the fuck alone, man.

It's because you're comfortable, right?

This is the life of convenience for you

and any attempt to change it
would shatter the pathetic microcosm

- you've fashioned for yourself.
- What?

Man, if you weren't
such a fucking coward...

Oh, would you shut the fuck up?!

That's not the line, man.

What are you doing?

My whole life you've been running
your mouth a million miles an hour

and saying absolutely nothing!

I gotta listen to you talk shit about
everybody and every thing you think

as if the world's waiting
for you to weigh in!

Nobody fuckin' cares!

Oh, real nice, pal! Get me all worked up

because it's not like I had
a heart attack and almost...

Died! "I almost died from a heart attack!

Did I not mention that
a couple of thousand times yet?"

Fuck. You.

"Hey, everybody, look at me.
I'm the boy who lived."

- [chuckles]
- "So I gotta make a movie

all about what a relentless fucking
asshole I am to everybody I ever met,

especially my so-called fucking friends."

Oh, we're not friends anymore, man.
You can fucking believe that shit.

- Oh, good!
- Yeah.

Because if we're not friends,

I don't have to worry anymore
what the cold, hard truth

might do to your poor, wittle heart!

Oh, don't worry about me, pal,
I'll be just fine.

So since I can be
completely honest with you?

Oh, please, be completely honest.

[scoffs]

You think you deserve a movie?

Yeah.

What did you ever do in life,
but watch it and mock it?

What have you ever fucking done?

I had a life.

I was this close to happily ever after,

and then one drunk driver later...

my movie's over.

Forever.

No happy ending, no sequel.

Not even a third fucking act,
just "Fuck you!

And oh, by the way, fuck you!"

Credits.

[sniffles] But hey...

What's that compared to a heart attack?

I mean, shit!

You could have almost died, right?

Yeah.

Well, some of us did die.

Some of us have been
dead inside ever since.

But then, just when I'm able
to walk into this place

without wanting to kill myself every day,
you have an idea.

You want to make a movie
about your life.

Oh, and you... you've been
very clear about that.

It's your life!

Well, get this, you self-centered,
gaping wound of a human being

with your insatiable fucking ego!

[scoffs] The fuck?

Your life is my life!

I've been there with you the whole time!

And since you know how hard
that life's been on me,

did it ever occur to you...

that maybe I didn't want to relive
that fucking life?

So, I quit.

As your producer.

And I quit... as your fucking friend.

[breathes shakily]

'Cause I'm not even supposed to...

- [grunts]
- [body thuds]

Now that's what I call acting!

Come on, everybody,
clap it up for that.

Okay, Drinkie-Mc-Stinky, get up.

Dante? Hey.

Hey. Hey! Dante!

Wake up, man. Hey! Call an ambulance!

Wake up, man. Dante, Dante.

- Dante? Um, excuse me. We're...
- What the...

- No, you can't be back here.
- Whoa, whoa. All right, already. God.

They just brought our friend in.

His name is Dante Hicks.
He's the drunk guy

- that collapsed at the Quick Stop.
- Uh-huh.

The first responder said
he's having a heart attack?

Okay, okay,
you need to wait out there, sir.

Someone will be by to tell you more
as soon as we know more.

[scoffs] Thank you.

[sighs] This is where I first
rejected Jesus.

Yeah, and now look what's happened.

So weird to be back here.

Yeah, tell me about it. All right, look,
I'm going to get out of here.

Call me as soon as they say
something, all right?

Wait, what? Where are you going?

I'm gonna go work on my movie, man.

Your movie?

Yeah, I mean, it's almost done.

It's not like I'm doing Dante
any good sitting around here.

I might as well go work on my movie.

Are you kidding me? Even now?

"Even now" what?

"Oh, my movie. My movie!

Everybody make my movie
because it's so important."

[scoffs] This is neither the time
nor the place

to do an impression of Chris Nolan.

I'm doing an impression of you, Randal.
We're in the hospital!

That's stating the obvious.

No, the obvious statement
right now would be,

"Never mind the movie,
my best friend's in the hospital."

It's just a heart attack.
I had one. He'll be fine.

Fuck you, Randal.

- [scoffs]
- Fuck you.

- Come on.
- God, man!

I used to look up to you so much,

but you're the worst, you know that?
The worst in the world.

Mr. Dante made your movie happen.

I made my movie happen.

I had the idea to make the movie.

I wrote the script
and I'm the goddamn director.

I made this movie happen.

- It was all me.
- Oh, it was all you, huh?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Take off your stupid mask, Randal.

Yeah. Because I remember Mr. Dante
doing everything.

He even called his ex-fiancee,
who hates his guts.

He put up his half of Quick Stop

just to get you the money
to make your stupid movie.

Wait a minute. Dante got the money
for my movie from Emma?

Code Blue. ER 7. Code Blue.

Dante, I didn't know about Emma!

- I just found out! I didn't know.
- You again? What did I say?

- What did I say? Security!
- Is he okay?

- Get out of here, man. Get out!
- Is he okay?!

Get out! Security!

All right. Get off of me!

Randal, where are you going?!

[panting]

["Le Grande From age"
by Rebuilder playing]

[screaming]

["Le Grande From age" continues playing]

[puffing]

- I think it needs more weed.
- Hmm.

God. Hey, I need your help with Dante.

Who's Dante?

The fuck do you mean? Dante!

The other guy, the guy
in the Quick Stop who's not me?

Wait, I thought his name was Sergio.
Ain't his name Sergio?

It's fucking Dante.
Are you going to help me or not?

Anything for our boy Sergio.

I need to sneak into the hospital
to get to Sergio,

so I want you guys to create
a very subtle distraction.

I took a poo in the ICU!

- I took a... oh, shit!
- Hey! Hey!

["Le Grand From age" by Rebuilder resumes]

Dante?

[machines beeping]

Hey, man.

I figured, since you're
just laying around here,

you little heart attack copycat...

You got time to watch our first movie.

Huh?

[sets down computer]

You're gonna see I was way off
with that stupid shit I said at the store.

I never, never would have made
this movie without you.

I never could do anything without you.

I'm here, man. I'm here.

Let's watch the movie.
[light chuckle]

♪♪

This is the way I see you.

You're the main character
in my Star Wars.

[sniffles] You're not the Dak.
You've always been the Luke.

You're the hero of my movie, too.

You've always been my hero, Dante.

["O Waly Waly" playing]

["O Waly Waly continues]

[sniffs]

[song continues]

Let's go.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

[sighs]

That was the best movie I ever saw.

But it's not over.

Don't you wanna see how it ends?

I trust the director.

He wasn't just my favorite filmmaker.

He was my best friend.

[song continues]

[machine beeping increases]

What's goin' on? [sniffles]

You okay?

Hey, whoa, whoa!

Hey!

[crying] Don't fucking leave me, man.

Don't leave me.

- Oh, shit. Help!
- [flat line tone]

["Just Breathe" by Pearl Jam playing]

And that's when the Good Thief said,

"Jesus did no wrong,
whereas we are but thieves."

What the fuck are butt thieves?

I don't know if any of you know this,
but I'm a Satanist now.

And while I may be the devil's concubine,

I still believe in Heaven.

And because Mr. Dante was the
best person that I ever knew,

I believe he's in Heaven right now,

just like the Good Thief.

"Dante's Inferno." No.

"Dante's Paradise!" Si.

Grazie, Elias.

[Randal] Ahem.

I, uh, I thought a lot
about what to say here today.

I was going to pull from the eulogy
that Kirk gave Spock in The Wrath of Khan,

but I've always been more
of a Star Wars fan,

so I should say something like,

"May the Force be with you"
or "This is the Way."

But I think, instead of quoting a movie,
I'd like to paraphrase the departed.

And by the departed, I mean Dante Hicks,

not the Scorsese picture
that was pretty perfect

right up until that stupid shot
of the rat at the end.

So in the words of the best guy
I ever knew...

"You're not even supposed
to be here today."

["Just Breathe" continues playing]

[Randal] Come on in here,
ya little butt thief,

and assume your new position.

But this was Mr. Dante's spot.

Yeah, well, after all this time of being
my biggest and only fanboy,

I'd say you earned it.

Besides, I told you way back
when we worked at Mooby's,

when Dante is gone, you're gonna be
my new best friend.

[chuckles] No, I'm not.

Who the fuck else am I going to hang out
with? It's you and me, buddy.

Oh, fuck.

Well, look who it is, Mr. Big Shit.

Well, look who it is, Mrs. Big Clit.

Classy. How am I not surprised?

I was surprised to see you
at the cemetery. You flew up for Dante?

Well, I did almost marry the man,
and if I had,

P.S., he wouldn't have died of a heart
attack before he was 50.

Yeah, because after a year with you,
he'd have killed himself.

I think I heard you had
a heart attack. Am I right?

That must really fuck with you.

Dante's dead, but you're still here.

I guess it's true what they say, Randal.

Only the good die young.

To what do I owe the pleasure
of your entirely unwelcome visit?

I loaned Dante 30 grand

and he put his half of the store up
as collateral.

Now he's gone, and if
you can't pay me back,

I own half this shithole.

[sighs]

How big's my clit now, motherfucker?

Oh, my sweet Satan!

Lend your might to the meek
and deliver us from this succubus.

- [panting]
- What the...

- The kites are flying!
- [yelps]

I repeat! The kites. Are. Flying!

- He talks?
- Yes.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

- What?
- The kites are sold out.

The fucking kites, God, the kites.

The Crimson Kite NFTs.

The ones we minted
for the Crimson Crypto Club.

Blockchain put them on sale
last night and they all sold out.

- So?
- The two of us just made...

One million! One million!
One million dollars!

- Hail Satan!
- I'm crypto rich, bitch!

I just cashed out $100,000
just to flex and buy sex.

- Here, take that.
- Shit.

What're you gonna do
with your money, Big E?

I'll never be able to earn
my place behind this counter,

but now I can buy it.

- Here's your sucking blood money.
- Oh!

Now, get the hell out of our store!

Well played, clerks.

Sorry about the mess.

That was from Star Wars.

I only said it because you and Mr. Dante
used to talk about Star Wars.

I know.

Long time ago...

- In a galaxy far, far away...
- [bell jingles]

Holy fuck, that's a lot of money!
You want to buy some weed?

Yes! I wanna buy all the weed!

Here's 10 grand.

Woo! That's gonna get you higher
than Godzilla's asshole.

Yo, where those kites at?

Right this way, valued customer.

[inhales deeply] Ay, ay, ay.

[sniffles]

["I'm from New Jersey"
by John Gorka begins]

[sighs]

I wish you were here, man.

♪ I'm from New Jersey ♪

♪ I don't expect too much ♪

♪ If the world ended today ♪

♪ I would adjust ♪

♪ I'm from New Jersey ♪

♪ No, I don't talk that way ♪

♪ I watched too much TV ♪

♪ When I was young ♪

♪ There are girls from New Jersey ♪

♪ Who have that great big hair ♪

♪ They're found in shopping malls ♪

♪ I will take you there ♪

♪ I'm from New Jersey ♪

♪ It's not like Texas ♪

♪ There is no mystery ♪

♪ I can't pretend ♪

♪ I'm from New Jersey ♪

♪ It's like Ohio ♪

♪ But even more so ♪

♪ Imagine that ♪

♪ I know which exit ♪

♪ And where I'm bound ♪

♪ Tolls on the parkway ♪

♪ They will slow you down ♪

♪ New Jersey people ♪

♪ They will surprise you ♪

♪ 'Cause they're not expected ♪

♪ To do too much ♪

♪ They will try harder ♪

♪ They may go further ♪

♪ 'Cause they never think ♪

♪ That they are good enough ♪

♪ I'm from New Jersey ♪

♪ I don't expect too much ♪

♪ If the world ended today ♪

♪ I would adjust ♪

♪ I would adjust ♪

♪ I would adjust. ♪

Hey, kids!
It's me, Kevin Smith,

and I can't thank you enough
for making this third trip

to the convenience store
with me. Thank you.

This time's exciting for me,

because this time everyone
finally gets to see Clerks

the way I've always seen Clerks.

Most people think that Clerks
is a black and White movie,

and they're right, it was shot
on black and white film.

But to me, whenever! watch Clerks,

even though it's in black and white,
the movie appears in color.

Because I lived that life.

And so now, thanks to Lee Ron,

you're all seein' Quick Stop
and the surrounding area,

Dante, Randal, Jay, and Silent Bob
as I've always seen them from day one...

Um, in vivid, living color.

You know, Quick Stop is the unsung star
of all the Clerks movies,

if not, you know, the epicenter
of the View Askewniverse films in general.

All stories emanate and flow
from that little building.

And when I worked there... um, I hated it.

I didn't want to be there.

I didn't want to work for somebody else
and I didn't want to work there.

And people would come in
and I'd be like,

"Oh, my God, I have to actually wait
on people? I just want to watch TV."

I didn't even want to work
at the convenience store.

I tried to get a job at RST Video.
There was an ad in the paper for it.

I went down, talked to Mr. Topper.
He said... he goes,

"I see you have convenience store
experience as well."

I said, "Yeah, I worked in a bunch
of convenience stores."

And he goes, "Would you be willing to work
in this convenience store next door

from time to time?
Because we own that as well."

And I was like, "Uh, yeah,
if you need help."

And, uh, famous last words, because it...

It was a convenience store job.
He catfished me.

I wound up working in a convenience store
with a couple of hours in a...

In a video store.
Teased with paradise,

then seduced and abandoned
to sell, uh, goods.

So in Clerks, Randal says,

"Man, this job would be great
if it wasn't for the fuckin' customers."

Uh, but in the script for Clerks III,
I'm gonna read you a little something

that was there
that I didn't use in the movie.

During the pullback shot at the very end,

you hear John Gorka's beautiful
"I'm from New Jersey."

And it was so lovely,
I left that moment alone

and didn't put in what in the script
called for the voice of Smod.

That would be me.
And this is what you would have heard:

"Randal Graves spent the rest of his life

running Quick Stop Groceries
whenever he wasn't making movies,

with each film financed solely
by Crimson Crypto Studios.

At a screening of his final film,

the Asbury Park Press asked him to sum up

a life spent satisfying both the public's
demand for cigarettes and soda

as well as their appetite
for the many movies he made

after his celebrated debut, Clerk.

The 90-year-old Randal Graves replied,

"I always thought that jobs
would have been great

if it weren't for the fuckin' customers.

But as it turns out,

these jobs are great because
of the fuckin' customers."

He means it and so do I.

Thank you to everybody,

whoever walked through the door
of that store and made me think,

"Somebody should put this
in a fuckin' movie."

Somebody did. Thank you.

[Jay] Yeah!