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1
00:00:00,244 --> 00:00:03,274
Hi, it's been 20 minutes.
Have you decided?
2
00:00:03,275 --> 00:00:05,722
Uh, we still need more
time, can you come back?
3
00:00:05,723 --> 00:00:07,816
Sure. And I'm back.
4
00:00:08,222 --> 00:00:11,013
Come on guys you're not buying a house.
Everything sucks.
5
00:00:11,413 --> 00:00:13,805
Pick the thing that sucks the
least, and put it in your mouth.
6
00:00:14,205 --> 00:00:16,099
Max, everyone keeps telling
me they can't decide,
7
00:00:16,399 --> 00:00:18,392
it's like a support
group for bi-sexuals.
8
00:00:19,989 --> 00:00:21,683
Something very magical
about to happen...
9
00:00:23,179 --> 00:00:24,826
Please let it be the rapture.
10
00:00:24,828 --> 00:00:26,389
I need a day off.
11
00:00:26,391 --> 00:00:30,033
In two minutes, something
very hip is happening.
12
00:00:30,035 --> 00:00:31,198
If you have a camera,
13
00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:33,777
make sure the flash is on.
14
00:00:33,779 --> 00:00:36,471
Why is he speaking like that?
15
00:00:36,473 --> 00:00:38,634
Wait a minute.
16
00:00:38,636 --> 00:00:40,181
No one's ordering.
17
00:00:40,183 --> 00:00:42,511
People keep checking the
time on their phones.
18
00:00:42,513 --> 00:00:46,902
Everyone's wearing matching
new balance sneakers.
19
00:00:46,904 --> 00:00:48,383
Flash mob!
20
00:00:49,500 --> 00:00:52,126
♪ Party rockers in the house tonight ♪
21
00:00:52,128 --> 00:00:54,056
♪ whoo! Everybody just... ♪
22
00:00:54,058 --> 00:00:55,853
Oh, hell, no!
23
00:00:55,855 --> 00:00:57,599
Caroline, Earl, code red!
24
00:00:57,601 --> 00:00:59,912
♪ Make you lose your mind ♪
25
00:00:59,914 --> 00:01:02,873
♪ everybody just have a good time ♪
26
00:01:02,875 --> 00:01:04,370
♪ let's go ♪
27
00:01:04,372 --> 00:01:06,833
♪ party rockers in the... ♪
28
00:01:08,248 --> 00:01:09,794
I couldn't stop disco,
but I'll be damned
29
00:01:09,796 --> 00:01:12,922
if any more of that crap gets by me.
30
00:01:15,035 --> 00:01:17,114
Why is flash mob over?
31
00:01:17,116 --> 00:01:19,743
Flash mobs were over a year ago.
32
00:01:19,745 --> 00:01:21,739
Nobody told Han!
33
00:01:21,741 --> 00:01:23,270
I want so bad to be hip.
34
00:01:23,272 --> 00:01:26,330
Start by never saying that again.
35
00:01:26,332 --> 00:01:28,759
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
36
00:01:30,259 --> 00:01:35,580
♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
37
00:01:59,183 --> 00:02:01,561
Hello?
38
00:02:01,563 --> 00:02:02,726
Max, phone!
39
00:02:02,728 --> 00:02:04,972
No!
40
00:02:04,974 --> 00:02:06,469
What are you doing?
41
00:02:06,471 --> 00:02:07,999
Never answer the wall phone!
44
00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:11,660
collection agencies
45
00:02:11,662 --> 00:02:13,373
and the landlord, looking
for the original tenant
46
00:02:13,375 --> 00:02:14,288
whose name is on the lease!
47
00:02:14,290 --> 00:02:15,902
- Hang up. Quick!
- Too late.
48
00:02:15,904 --> 00:02:17,615
I've got to man up and face it.
49
00:02:20,029 --> 00:02:23,421
Hello?
50
00:02:23,423 --> 00:02:25,600
This is what collection agency?
51
00:02:25,602 --> 00:02:28,462
No, my granddaughter Max is not here.
52
00:02:28,464 --> 00:02:30,076
She died.
53
00:02:30,078 --> 00:02:32,505
On her deathbed, she
said it was the stress
54
00:02:32,507 --> 00:02:36,032
of being constantly
harassed by creditors.
55
00:02:36,034 --> 00:02:37,513
That's juvenile.
56
00:02:37,515 --> 00:02:40,008
Give me the phone.
57
00:02:40,010 --> 00:02:41,987
Hi. So sorry about that.
58
00:02:41,989 --> 00:02:43,518
What's the issue exactly?
59
00:02:43,520 --> 00:02:45,764
Well, I'm sure she has
every intention...
60
00:02:45,766 --> 00:02:47,062
mm-hmm.
61
00:02:47,064 --> 00:02:48,209
Mm-hmm.
62
00:02:48,211 --> 00:02:49,807
Mm-hmm.
63
00:02:49,809 --> 00:02:51,054
Oh.
64
00:02:51,056 --> 00:02:54,997
Well, you're a doody head.
65
00:02:54,999 --> 00:02:56,494
Never answer the wall.
66
00:02:56,496 --> 00:02:58,607
But what are you gonna do about it?
67
00:02:58,609 --> 00:03:01,485
You can't just keep lying
to collection agencies.
68
00:03:01,487 --> 00:03:03,732
You have to pay your bills.
I have a system.
69
00:03:03,734 --> 00:03:05,344
I pay everyone five dollars a week...
70
00:03:05,346 --> 00:03:07,058
just enough to keep
them from freaking out.
71
00:03:07,060 --> 00:03:09,503
It's the methadone-clinic
banking system.
72
00:03:09,505 --> 00:03:12,216
That is a complete waste of money.
73
00:03:12,218 --> 00:03:14,595
Five dollars won't even cover
the interest you're accruing.
74
00:03:14,597 --> 00:03:16,342
What's the interest rate
on your credit card?
75
00:03:16,344 --> 00:03:17,789
Don't know, but my interest rate
76
00:03:17,791 --> 00:03:20,034
in the conversation is zero.
77
00:03:20,036 --> 00:03:22,280
Max, how could you not know that?
78
00:03:22,282 --> 00:03:23,495
That's one of the first things
79
00:03:23,497 --> 00:03:24,976
my father taught me about finance.
80
00:03:24,978 --> 00:03:27,738
Where... at Embezzle U.?
81
00:03:32,130 --> 00:03:34,225
Max, I interned at Merrill Lynch.
82
00:03:34,227 --> 00:03:37,053
Let me help you with this.
It's the least I can do.
83
00:03:37,055 --> 00:03:39,166
I had nowhere to go. You took me in.
84
00:03:39,168 --> 00:03:41,712
Let me repay my debt to you
by helping with your debt
85
00:03:41,714 --> 00:03:44,490
to everyone in the world, apparently.
86
00:03:44,492 --> 00:03:45,655
If you keep talking,
87
00:03:45,657 --> 00:03:47,983
I'm going to Merrill Lynch myself.
88
00:03:47,985 --> 00:03:49,731
I'm one of those people
89
00:03:49,733 --> 00:03:52,642
who gets off on untangling
big, complicated messes.
90
00:03:52,644 --> 00:03:54,388
And since you won't
let me do your hair,
91
00:03:54,390 --> 00:03:57,216
let me do your bills.
92
00:03:57,218 --> 00:04:01,376
You want to do my bills?
93
00:04:06,118 --> 00:04:09,977
Here's my portfolio.
94
00:04:12,057 --> 00:04:14,486
And, uh, if you find chocolate
sprinkles in there,
95
00:04:14,488 --> 00:04:15,850
they're not chocolate...
96
00:04:15,852 --> 00:04:17,963
Or sprinkles.
97
00:04:23,203 --> 00:04:24,384
Okay.
98
00:04:24,386 --> 00:04:26,696
I've divided your bills
into three categories...
99
00:04:26,698 --> 00:04:29,292
"impossible," "next to impossible,"
100
00:04:29,294 --> 00:04:32,869
and "how the hell did that happen?"
101
00:04:32,871 --> 00:04:35,397
And I've divided my roommate
into three categories...
102
00:04:35,399 --> 00:04:37,277
"annoying," "super annoying,"
103
00:04:37,279 --> 00:04:40,555
and "how the hell did that happen?"
104
00:04:41,638 --> 00:04:43,349
I'm closing kitchen in ten minutes.
105
00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:45,180
I cannot stay later.
106
00:04:45,182 --> 00:04:47,491
I have date with new woman in my life.
107
00:04:47,493 --> 00:04:49,288
She's very special to me.
108
00:04:49,290 --> 00:04:51,169
I think she may be the one.
109
00:04:51,171 --> 00:04:55,162
You are both welcome to
come watch us have sex.
110
00:04:55,164 --> 00:04:56,658
Just putting it out there.
111
00:04:56,660 --> 00:04:58,605
Just put it back in there.
112
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:03,263
I'm so excited, I don't
even know where to start.
113
00:05:03,265 --> 00:05:04,927
Drumroll, please.
114
00:05:04,929 --> 00:05:07,305
No? Okay.
115
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,920
Oh, interesting.
116
00:05:08,922 --> 00:05:10,633
Here we have a bill
from the pet castle,
117
00:05:10,635 --> 00:05:13,794
yet you don't have a pet, and
you've never been to a castle...
118
00:05:13,796 --> 00:05:16,405
Oh, except white castle.
119
00:05:16,407 --> 00:05:17,953
You used a credit card at white castle?
120
00:05:17,955 --> 00:05:21,096
Yep. That was good weed.
121
00:05:21,098 --> 00:05:23,027
And the pet thing was
'cause I found a stray
122
00:05:23,029 --> 00:05:24,109
and had to have her cleaned up
123
00:05:24,111 --> 00:05:25,556
before I could get anyone to take her.
124
00:05:25,558 --> 00:05:27,552
That would also explain
the charge for neutering.
125
00:05:27,554 --> 00:05:29,349
Nah, actually, that was for me.
126
00:05:29,351 --> 00:05:31,595
Can't have any more
of these coming out.
127
00:05:31,597 --> 00:05:33,241
Do you really think
128
00:05:33,243 --> 00:05:35,404
it's fiscally smart to
be taking in strays?
129
00:05:35,406 --> 00:05:38,565
Good point. Move out tonight.
130
00:05:38,567 --> 00:05:40,728
What is this... a student loan?
131
00:05:40,730 --> 00:05:44,404
Oh, my God. Max, you went to college?
132
00:05:44,406 --> 00:05:46,435
That wasn't a judgment.
It was just shocking...
133
00:05:46,437 --> 00:05:51,309
kind of like seeing a baby
smoke on the Internet.
134
00:05:52,540 --> 00:05:54,702
I love that kid.
135
00:05:56,001 --> 00:05:59,210
Max, a student loan is the
worst bill you can ignore.
136
00:05:59,212 --> 00:06:00,908
It can never be expunged.
137
00:06:00,910 --> 00:06:03,203
We're breaking out
"expunged" on a weeknight?
138
00:06:03,205 --> 00:06:05,533
You can't run away from this bill.
139
00:06:05,535 --> 00:06:07,230
I can run away from anything.
140
00:06:07,232 --> 00:06:10,556
I'm on my fifth identity.
141
00:06:10,558 --> 00:06:12,520
It's just like that but underwater!
142
00:06:12,522 --> 00:06:13,501
Guys!
143
00:06:13,503 --> 00:06:15,714
Sorry, we're just closing, guys.
144
00:06:15,716 --> 00:06:18,509
I'll take them, Max. We need the...
145
00:06:21,006 --> 00:06:23,949
uh, sit anywhere.
146
00:06:26,196 --> 00:06:28,824
What was that roadrunner
move you just pulled?
147
00:06:28,826 --> 00:06:30,820
There's still a smoke
outline of your body.
148
00:06:30,822 --> 00:06:33,132
Hanging in the air out there.
149
00:06:33,134 --> 00:06:35,478
Did Wile E.
Coyote just come in the diner?
150
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:38,189
- No, but my ex-boyfriend did.
151
00:06:38,191 --> 00:06:41,334
Meep, meep.
152
00:06:43,926 --> 00:06:45,238
Why is William in Brooklyn?
153
00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:46,952
Why is William in this diner?
154
00:06:46,954 --> 00:06:49,698
Why is every inbred
rich guy named William?
155
00:06:49,700 --> 00:06:53,275
I don't want to see him.
156
00:06:55,238 --> 00:06:56,568
Max, close the door.
157
00:06:56,570 --> 00:06:58,182
I don't want him to come in here.
158
00:06:58,184 --> 00:07:01,509
Yeah, 'cause that happens all the time.
159
00:07:01,511 --> 00:07:03,057
Customers come in the front door
160
00:07:03,059 --> 00:07:04,554
and make a beeline through the kitchen
161
00:07:04,556 --> 00:07:09,528
to see if there's a waitress
hiding in the walk-in freezer.
162
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:10,709
Okay, what is the deal?
163
00:07:10,711 --> 00:07:11,957
Tell me fast.
164
00:07:11,959 --> 00:07:15,018
I'm nipping like crazy in here.
165
00:07:15,020 --> 00:07:19,176
Ooh, you're smuggling some
gumdrops there, too, ice queen.
166
00:07:19,178 --> 00:07:21,557
His name is William
Van Horn, and he's...
167
00:07:23,221 --> 00:07:25,233
I am leaving for sex.
168
00:07:25,235 --> 00:07:28,793
Last chance for threesome,
foursome, possibly fivesome,
169
00:07:28,795 --> 00:07:32,570
if her sister's train gets in on time.
170
00:07:32,572 --> 00:07:33,750
Oleg, please.
171
00:07:33,752 --> 00:07:35,497
I don't have time to
be harassed right now.
172
00:07:35,499 --> 00:07:36,595
Oh, okay.
173
00:07:36,597 --> 00:07:39,689
I'll see you and the gumdrops tomorrow.
174
00:07:41,487 --> 00:07:42,734
Story. Go.
175
00:07:42,736 --> 00:07:44,515
We met at our parents' companies'
176
00:07:44,517 --> 00:07:45,646
parent company picnic.
177
00:07:45,648 --> 00:07:47,226
His family is the Boston Van Horns...
178
00:07:47,228 --> 00:07:48,307
story. Stop.
179
00:07:48,309 --> 00:07:49,506
Cut to the end. Do we hate him?
180
00:07:49,508 --> 00:07:51,784
He dumped me when I
lost all my money...
181
00:07:51,786 --> 00:07:53,914
never called me, not an email, nothing.
182
00:07:53,916 --> 00:07:55,411
Oh, we hate him.
183
00:07:55,413 --> 00:07:57,657
Wait. Which one's your ex...
the Asian one, the black one?
184
00:07:57,659 --> 00:08:00,202
I'm kidding. No, seriously.
185
00:08:02,150 --> 00:08:05,858
The white one or the
really, really white one?
186
00:08:07,307 --> 00:08:10,134
Really, really white.
187
00:08:10,136 --> 00:08:13,012
Service, service, service,
188
00:08:13,014 --> 00:08:15,624
service, service, serv...
189
00:08:15,626 --> 00:08:17,371
you heard your bro. Service him.
190
00:08:17,373 --> 00:08:19,917
Oh, crushed!
191
00:08:19,919 --> 00:08:21,447
Hey, you better be careful,
192
00:08:21,449 --> 00:08:23,193
'cause I can give you
a run for your money.
193
00:08:23,195 --> 00:08:24,492
I don't have any money.
194
00:08:24,494 --> 00:08:26,404
Well, with a body like
that, you don't need any.
195
00:08:26,406 --> 00:08:28,767
- Oh! Ba-bam!
196
00:08:28,769 --> 00:08:30,646
Did you actually think
that was a good line,
197
00:08:30,648 --> 00:08:31,645
or is that what you do
198
00:08:31,647 --> 00:08:33,508
so the check gets paid by Richie Rich?
199
00:08:33,510 --> 00:08:35,221
Hold on. Who said I was rich?
200
00:08:35,223 --> 00:08:36,968
- Let me see your Hands.
- What...
201
00:08:36,970 --> 00:08:39,248
looking to see if I have
poor-people calluses?
202
00:08:39,250 --> 00:08:42,758
No, I wanted to see how
big your penis is.
203
00:08:44,373 --> 00:08:46,784
With Hands that size,
you better be rich.
204
00:08:46,786 --> 00:08:49,895
Oh! Shazam!
205
00:08:49,897 --> 00:08:52,523
Not cool, bro.
206
00:08:52,525 --> 00:08:54,719
- What's your name?
- Michelle Obama.
207
00:08:54,721 --> 00:08:56,849
We're closed.
208
00:08:56,851 --> 00:08:59,494
I'm William. Give me your number.
209
00:08:59,496 --> 00:09:01,507
Why? So you can put it in your phone
210
00:09:01,509 --> 00:09:03,586
and never call or text or email?
211
00:09:03,588 --> 00:09:05,084
Seriously.
212
00:09:05,086 --> 00:09:07,280
You wouldn't know what to do
with a good girl if you had one.
213
00:09:07,282 --> 00:09:09,941
But you're not a good girl.
That's why I want your number.
214
00:09:09,943 --> 00:09:11,688
So how about it?
215
00:09:11,690 --> 00:09:13,302
We're closed.
216
00:09:13,304 --> 00:09:15,016
Your sign says "open till 2:00."
217
00:09:24,416 --> 00:09:26,827
My, my.
218
00:09:26,829 --> 00:09:29,872
How time does fly.
219
00:09:32,768 --> 00:09:36,060
2:00, gentlemen... nighty night.
220
00:09:38,441 --> 00:09:40,835
What did I ever do to you?
221
00:09:44,796 --> 00:09:46,259
You didn't mention me, did you?
222
00:09:46,261 --> 00:09:47,722
Ugh, no. I just gave him...
223
00:09:47,724 --> 00:09:49,453
just get to the end. Do you hate him?
224
00:09:49,455 --> 00:09:50,867
I hate him.
225
00:09:50,869 --> 00:09:52,198
That was the weirdest thing,
226
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:54,344
seeing him come in here.
227
00:09:54,346 --> 00:09:58,154
No, the weirdest thing is
coming in here right now.
228
00:10:00,234 --> 00:10:02,013
Why no?
229
00:10:02,015 --> 00:10:05,390
Girl at urban outfitter
said it was hip.
230
00:10:05,392 --> 00:10:06,921
You look like a lesbian
231
00:10:06,923 --> 00:10:09,916
I made out with once on a dare.
232
00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:15,871
Han, you're adorable
exactly as you are.
233
00:10:15,873 --> 00:10:18,816
Why are you trying to be hip?
234
00:10:18,818 --> 00:10:20,729
To meet girls.
235
00:10:20,731 --> 00:10:24,439
Oh!
236
00:10:27,684 --> 00:10:28,981
It's not that bad in here.
237
00:10:28,983 --> 00:10:30,611
I thought my first trip to a laundromat
238
00:10:30,613 --> 00:10:32,624
would be a lot more depressing.
239
00:10:46,133 --> 00:10:47,979
Six years we spent together,
240
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:50,724
and now he won't even look at me.
241
00:10:53,454 --> 00:10:55,083
Oh, not the bag.
242
00:10:55,085 --> 00:10:58,161
I just looked at his bag... now yours?
243
00:10:58,163 --> 00:10:59,874
Max, it's driving me crazy.
244
00:10:59,876 --> 00:11:01,904
What did you major in in college?
245
00:11:01,906 --> 00:11:03,568
I majored in changing topics.
246
00:11:03,570 --> 00:11:05,281
So what did you ever see in your ex,
247
00:11:05,283 --> 00:11:07,561
the lost Winklevoss twin?
248
00:11:07,563 --> 00:11:09,590
We're not talking about William.
249
00:11:09,592 --> 00:11:11,253
We're talking about your bills.
250
00:11:11,255 --> 00:11:12,801
Well, I'm talking about your bill!
251
00:11:12,803 --> 00:11:15,396
Oh, face! Max...
252
00:11:15,398 --> 00:11:17,043
We're trying to start
a cupcake business.
253
00:11:17,045 --> 00:11:19,206
And I can't believe
I'm about to say this
254
00:11:19,208 --> 00:11:21,585
but with my father's financial baggage,
255
00:11:21,587 --> 00:11:23,281
you're our best chance for credit.
256
00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:25,726
Listen, everybody's broke in their 20s.
257
00:11:25,728 --> 00:11:27,524
And everybody hides from stuff.
258
00:11:27,526 --> 00:11:28,772
You run into freezers.
259
00:11:28,774 --> 00:11:31,267
I practice ignorance
and blackout drinking.
260
00:11:36,392 --> 00:11:38,038
What's happening right now?
261
00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:40,999
Hola, dudarinos.
262
00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:43,162
The laundromat's closing early.
263
00:11:43,164 --> 00:11:46,905
We've rented it out for our
'80s pop-up disco party.
264
00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:49,849
Bobby.
265
00:11:49,851 --> 00:11:52,644
- Shouldn't it be called an
"'80s pop-up lame hipster"
266
00:11:52,646 --> 00:11:55,523
"will do anything to be
ironic and lame" party?
267
00:11:55,525 --> 00:11:56,637
"Lame"?
268
00:11:56,639 --> 00:11:58,501
Don't think so.
269
00:11:58,503 --> 00:11:59,932
What?
270
00:11:59,934 --> 00:12:01,678
Vicki from small wonder is coming?
271
00:12:01,680 --> 00:12:02,825
Oh!
272
00:12:02,827 --> 00:12:04,955
Embarrassed to be you right now.
273
00:12:04,957 --> 00:12:08,915
Unless you chicks have
75 disco-lovin' bucks,
274
00:12:08,917 --> 00:12:10,611
be gone in ten minutes,
275
00:12:10,613 --> 00:12:12,824
or my man here will throw you out.
276
00:12:12,826 --> 00:12:15,021
Don't let his tube top fool you.
277
00:12:15,023 --> 00:12:18,065
Bobby is mad wiry.
278
00:12:18,067 --> 00:12:19,595
I'm wiry.
279
00:12:24,504 --> 00:12:25,617
Small wonder?
280
00:12:25,619 --> 00:12:27,465
Is that the show on TLC
281
00:12:27,467 --> 00:12:29,494
about the little-people magicians?
282
00:12:29,496 --> 00:12:30,941
No.
283
00:12:30,943 --> 00:12:33,703
It's an '80s sitcom about
this little girl robot
284
00:12:33,705 --> 00:12:35,433
who lives with a loving family.
285
00:12:35,435 --> 00:12:37,031
A girl robot?
286
00:12:37,033 --> 00:12:38,644
That's totally unbelievable.
287
00:12:38,646 --> 00:12:41,056
No, that's totally awesome!
288
00:12:41,058 --> 00:12:44,434
The unbelievable part
is the loving family.
289
00:12:44,436 --> 00:12:45,764
I love Vicki.
290
00:12:45,766 --> 00:12:47,794
She had no emotions
and was empty inside.
291
00:12:47,796 --> 00:12:49,791
My role model! We're staying.
292
00:12:49,793 --> 00:12:52,402
$75? To do what...
293
00:12:52,404 --> 00:12:54,232
stand here and dance next to...
294
00:12:54,234 --> 00:12:56,944
Guy-girl and girl-guy over there?
295
00:13:01,736 --> 00:13:02,983
Come on, Chestnut,
296
00:13:02,985 --> 00:13:05,544
go poo-poo near the hipsters.
297
00:13:05,546 --> 00:13:06,593
Hey, how cool would
it be if we could get
298
00:13:06,595 --> 00:13:08,722
Chess to go poo on a hipster?
299
00:13:08,724 --> 00:13:10,469
How can all of those people
300
00:13:10,471 --> 00:13:14,246
have $75 just to dance at a laundromat?
301
00:13:14,248 --> 00:13:15,876
I've been doing my
roots with white-out.
302
00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:18,788
Hipsters in Williamsburg
will pay for anything
303
00:13:18,790 --> 00:13:21,066
if it makes them feel like
they're in on something new
304
00:13:21,068 --> 00:13:22,480
no one else knows about.
305
00:13:22,482 --> 00:13:23,945
All you need's a gimmick.
306
00:13:23,947 --> 00:13:25,059
Dudes!
307
00:13:25,061 --> 00:13:26,590
Can we ride your horse?
308
00:13:26,592 --> 00:13:28,187
Sure. 100 bucks.
309
00:13:28,189 --> 00:13:30,134
Okay. I got to go to the ATM.
310
00:13:30,136 --> 00:13:33,178
Wait. Stay right there.
We'll be right back.
311
00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:34,542
Oh, my God.
312
00:13:34,544 --> 00:13:37,154
Max, we are literally looking
our gift horse in the mouth.
313
00:13:37,156 --> 00:13:39,782
We have something that's better
than an '80s disco party.
314
00:13:39,784 --> 00:13:40,664
We have a horse.
315
00:13:40,666 --> 00:13:42,411
If we throw a big enough party,
316
00:13:42,413 --> 00:13:44,074
charge hipsters for horse rides,
317
00:13:44,076 --> 00:13:45,821
we could pay off your student loan!
318
00:13:45,823 --> 00:13:47,818
You'd whore out Chestnut like that?
319
00:13:47,820 --> 00:13:49,764
Don't you have to get him
hooked on heroin first?
320
00:13:49,766 --> 00:13:51,427
Max, I've got this.
321
00:13:51,429 --> 00:13:53,142
I'm a brilliant event planner.
322
00:13:53,144 --> 00:13:55,504
My sweet 16 was off the chain...
323
00:13:55,506 --> 00:13:57,550
penthouse party, pink and black theme.
324
00:13:57,552 --> 00:14:00,378
Alanis Morissette sang songs
from jagged little pill.
325
00:14:00,380 --> 00:14:01,826
On my 16th birthday,
326
00:14:01,828 --> 00:14:03,938
my mom took too many
jagged little pills,
327
00:14:03,940 --> 00:14:05,568
and I had to drive her
to the emergency room
328
00:14:05,570 --> 00:14:07,149
to get her stomach pumped.
329
00:14:07,151 --> 00:14:10,892
Was your childhood based on
the novel Push by Sapphire?
330
00:14:10,894 --> 00:14:13,354
I wish!
331
00:14:15,302 --> 00:14:17,880
The theme is '90s horse party.
332
00:14:17,882 --> 00:14:19,543
It's exactly the kind of hip event
333
00:14:19,545 --> 00:14:20,758
you're dying to be a part of.
334
00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,205
It would happen after closing,
335
00:14:22,207 --> 00:14:23,503
so it won't affect business.
336
00:14:23,505 --> 00:14:25,033
And all the horse rides
will take place out back.
337
00:14:25,035 --> 00:14:27,246
So no damage will come to the diner.
338
00:14:27,248 --> 00:14:29,891
But why would I say yes
to giving up my diner
339
00:14:29,893 --> 00:14:31,488
for no cash return?
340
00:14:31,490 --> 00:14:33,351
You might get laid.
341
00:14:38,293 --> 00:14:39,723
Great!
342
00:14:39,725 --> 00:14:42,052
The '90s horse party is
happening on Thursday.
343
00:14:42,054 --> 00:14:43,832
Fantastic. Any other questions?
344
00:14:43,834 --> 00:14:44,830
Yes.
345
00:14:44,832 --> 00:14:46,827
What exactly is possibility
346
00:14:46,829 --> 00:14:49,688
of percentage of me...
347
00:14:49,690 --> 00:14:51,202
Getting laid?
348
00:14:53,732 --> 00:14:54,945
All I can say is,
349
00:14:54,947 --> 00:14:57,192
with the cute
'90s-themed-clothing incentive
350
00:14:57,193 --> 00:14:58,671
and the trivia contest,
351
00:14:58,673 --> 00:15:01,600
lots of cute hipster girls
will be here looking to...
352
00:15:01,602 --> 00:15:03,430
Get laid!
353
00:15:04,795 --> 00:15:06,457
I will go now and start to research
354
00:15:06,459 --> 00:15:09,485
American trivia facts about the 1990s.
355
00:15:11,583 --> 00:15:13,477
You realize we're gonna have
to give him something...
356
00:15:13,479 --> 00:15:14,992
like flash a little boob, something.
357
00:15:14,994 --> 00:15:17,521
I feel like Han's more of an ass man.
358
00:15:17,523 --> 00:15:20,465
Good point...
'cause his head is right there.
359
00:15:26,387 --> 00:15:28,250
♪ Creep ♪
360
00:15:28,252 --> 00:15:31,244
♪ oh, I, oh, I, oh, I, oh, I, yeah ♪
361
00:15:31,246 --> 00:15:33,656
♪ creep, oh, I, oh, I, oh, I, oh, I ♪
362
00:15:33,658 --> 00:15:34,871
Oleg, what's up?
363
00:15:34,873 --> 00:15:36,618
Not enjoying the '90s horse party?
364
00:15:36,620 --> 00:15:40,393
I thought you said "'90s whores party."
365
00:15:41,892 --> 00:15:46,150
Now I'm wearing girdle and
deodorant for no reason.
366
00:15:48,065 --> 00:15:49,428
Quite a turnout, Max.
367
00:15:49,430 --> 00:15:52,223
Reminds me of the after-hours
clubs I used to go to,
368
00:15:52,225 --> 00:15:54,501
you know, if all the
cool cats shooting dope
369
00:15:54,503 --> 00:15:58,029
were replaced by sad, white
fools sipping light beer.
370
00:16:00,442 --> 00:16:01,688
Look!
371
00:16:01,690 --> 00:16:05,066
I did research and make myself
a 1990s trivia t-shirt.
372
00:16:05,068 --> 00:16:07,395
"Talk to the Han."
373
00:16:07,397 --> 00:16:08,560
Get it?
374
00:16:08,562 --> 00:16:10,772
"Talk to the Han!"
375
00:16:13,219 --> 00:16:14,681
That actually is cool.
376
00:16:14,683 --> 00:16:17,875
I am hoping it will help me...
377
00:16:17,877 --> 00:16:19,289
Get laid?
378
00:16:21,620 --> 00:16:24,230
Care to purchase a tamagotchi
379
00:16:24,232 --> 00:16:26,809
or a 90210-reo cupcake?
380
00:16:26,811 --> 00:16:30,602
We came here wanting to
hate on you chicks hard.
381
00:16:30,604 --> 00:16:35,310
But that horse you got
out back is mad cool.
382
00:16:35,312 --> 00:16:37,007
You bested us, party beast.
383
00:16:37,009 --> 00:16:40,718
And to that, I doff my cap.
384
00:16:41,750 --> 00:16:44,277
- How much are the cupcakes?
- $10 each.
385
00:16:44,279 --> 00:16:48,403
Ooh, I doff my cap again, milady.
386
00:16:48,405 --> 00:16:50,432
Max, look at all this.
387
00:16:50,434 --> 00:16:51,698
We're a success!
388
00:16:51,700 --> 00:16:53,277
I'll tell you what's not a success...
389
00:16:53,279 --> 00:16:55,024
the plan to get Han some action.
390
00:16:55,026 --> 00:16:56,722
Look at him over there.
391
00:17:02,844 --> 00:17:05,372
- That's so sad.
- I know.
392
00:17:05,374 --> 00:17:08,200
Go over there and give him a "Han" job.
393
00:17:10,448 --> 00:17:14,489
William!
394
00:17:14,491 --> 00:17:17,484
Meep, meep.
395
00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:27,133
You realize this is a freezer,
not a panic room, right?
396
00:17:27,135 --> 00:17:28,363
Just go out there
397
00:17:28,365 --> 00:17:30,693
and tear his smug, white ass a new one.
398
00:17:30,695 --> 00:17:32,041
I can't face him, Max.
399
00:17:32,043 --> 00:17:34,685
Why? He's the one who didn't call you.
400
00:17:34,687 --> 00:17:37,347
I can't face him because
I'm a waitress.
401
00:17:37,349 --> 00:17:38,312
Last time he saw me,
402
00:17:38,314 --> 00:17:40,192
I was a billionaire in a townhouse.
403
00:17:40,194 --> 00:17:42,971
Now I'm a waitress in
a walk-in freezer.
404
00:17:42,973 --> 00:17:45,799
So, when you were laying
around on your trust fund,
405
00:17:45,801 --> 00:17:46,797
doing nothing every day,
406
00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:48,544
having other people scrub your toilet,
407
00:17:48,546 --> 00:17:49,991
you could hold your head up high?
408
00:17:49,993 --> 00:17:51,321
But now that you support yourself
409
00:17:51,323 --> 00:17:53,585
by earning your own money,
that's somehow shameful?
410
00:17:53,587 --> 00:17:54,915
Who cares what he thinks?
411
00:17:54,917 --> 00:17:59,574
He is the guy who just paid
$100 to party with a horse.
412
00:18:00,972 --> 00:18:02,734
He's the loser, not you.
413
00:18:02,736 --> 00:18:04,680
Really?
'Cause he's out there having fun,
414
00:18:04,682 --> 00:18:05,679
and I'm in here,
415
00:18:05,681 --> 00:18:09,056
hugging a tub of expired blue cheese.
416
00:18:09,058 --> 00:18:11,285
Look...
417
00:18:11,287 --> 00:18:13,499
You see that wad of cash in your Hand?
418
00:18:13,501 --> 00:18:15,495
You earned that.
419
00:18:15,497 --> 00:18:17,407
Slap that wad in your palm a few times!
420
00:18:17,409 --> 00:18:18,871
Feel its power.
421
00:18:21,035 --> 00:18:22,365
That's all you got?
422
00:18:22,367 --> 00:18:24,478
Come on, really squeeze that wad!
423
00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:25,925
Feels good in your Hands, right?
424
00:18:25,927 --> 00:18:28,087
- Feels pretty good.
- Yeah.
425
00:18:28,089 --> 00:18:31,349
Now slap it and say, "this is my wad!"
426
00:18:31,351 --> 00:18:33,878
This is my wad.
427
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,622
This is my wad!
428
00:18:36,624 --> 00:18:39,067
This is my wad!
429
00:18:39,069 --> 00:18:40,366
Go out there.
430
00:18:40,368 --> 00:18:43,011
I'm going out there!
431
00:18:43,013 --> 00:18:45,023
As soon as the ladies calm down.
432
00:18:45,025 --> 00:18:46,322
Are you kidding?
433
00:18:46,324 --> 00:18:49,399
Show him what he's missing.
Let 'em pop, playa!
434
00:18:52,844 --> 00:18:54,756
Where are you, you rich poseur?
435
00:18:54,758 --> 00:18:56,254
Oh! Uh...
436
00:18:56,256 --> 00:18:57,584
Listen up!
437
00:18:57,586 --> 00:19:01,044
That was meant exclusively for
one specific rich poseur.
438
00:19:01,046 --> 00:19:03,357
All you other rich poseurs,
439
00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:04,871
just continue with the '90s!
440
00:19:04,873 --> 00:19:06,950
Whoop, whoop!
441
00:19:06,952 --> 00:19:09,196
Where is he? Do you see him?
442
00:19:09,198 --> 00:19:11,393
Uh, no. He was right over there.
443
00:19:11,395 --> 00:19:12,807
He's gone.
444
00:19:12,809 --> 00:19:14,719
I don't get to shove this in his face.
445
00:19:14,721 --> 00:19:16,483
It would've been nice to put my wad
446
00:19:16,485 --> 00:19:19,960
in his face for a change.
447
00:19:24,453 --> 00:19:28,362
Oh, speaking of wads, look over there.
448
00:19:28,364 --> 00:19:32,304
Aw.
449
00:19:32,306 --> 00:19:34,982
He's such a little pimp.
450
00:19:34,984 --> 00:19:37,062
Are you okay?
451
00:19:37,064 --> 00:19:39,059
Yeah. Actually, I am.
452
00:19:39,061 --> 00:19:40,506
I guess I didn't need to go over there
453
00:19:40,508 --> 00:19:41,952
and make some big, dramatic speech,
454
00:19:41,954 --> 00:19:43,750
telling him that even
though I'm a waitress,
455
00:19:43,752 --> 00:19:44,947
I'm better than him.
456
00:19:44,949 --> 00:19:47,793
I know that now. Thank you.
457
00:19:47,795 --> 00:19:50,487
And when I see him one
day in the future,
458
00:19:50,489 --> 00:19:53,599
I'll be happy to tell him that.
459
00:19:53,601 --> 00:19:55,062
He just came out of the men's room.
460
00:19:55,064 --> 00:19:56,227
Let's get out of here!
461
00:19:56,229 --> 00:19:57,475
What? I thought you
wanted to talk to him!
462
00:19:57,477 --> 00:19:59,438
I said, "the future." This is the '90s.
463
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:02,632
Let's get out of here. Run!
464
00:20:05,461 --> 00:20:08,006
Feels good running away
from your bill, huh?
465
00:20:08,008 --> 00:20:09,253
So great.
466
00:20:09,255 --> 00:20:10,917
See, that's what I've been saying.
467
00:20:10,919 --> 00:20:12,698
Well, at least you don't have to run
468
00:20:12,700 --> 00:20:14,112
from your student loan bill.
469
00:20:14,114 --> 00:20:16,906
We can pay that off and still
have $50 for the cupcake fund.
470
00:20:16,908 --> 00:20:18,520
I hate that college won.
471
00:20:18,522 --> 00:20:20,433
Didn't you get anything out of it?
472
00:20:20,435 --> 00:20:22,479
You mean, besides mono
and an art teacher
473
00:20:22,481 --> 00:20:23,810
whose idea of finger-painting
474
00:20:23,812 --> 00:20:27,304
was a little more
"finger" than "painting"?
475
00:20:27,306 --> 00:20:28,335
Art teacher?
476
00:20:28,337 --> 00:20:30,698
Max, was that your major... art?
477
00:20:30,700 --> 00:20:33,742
Keep your eyes on the road.
You're driving.
478
00:20:33,744 --> 00:20:35,073
I just thought for, like, a second,
479
00:20:35,075 --> 00:20:38,200
I could maybe illustrate
children's books.
480
00:20:38,202 --> 00:20:40,845
Max, that's so sweet.
481
00:20:40,847 --> 00:20:43,557
You're not like Vicki at all.
482
00:20:43,559 --> 00:20:45,887
Max, look. Han!
483
00:20:45,889 --> 00:20:47,849
Aw, our little somethin'-somethin'
484
00:20:47,851 --> 00:20:49,929
got him a little somethin'-somethin'!
485
00:20:49,931 --> 00:20:52,625
I doff my cap, milady!
34046
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