All language subtitles for The Middle s03e01e02 Forced Family Fun.eng

divxplanet

Ah,
the first day of school--

The moment every parent
dreams of-- freedom.

But this year turned out
a little different.

Oh, do you have to go back
to school?

I already miss you guys.

We miss you, too.

I love you so much.

Ohh.

I love you, mom.

- Dad.
- Son.

I wish I could go to
the same school as you guys.

Us, too, Brick. Us, too.

Mike, call me as soon
as you get to work.

I will call you from the car.

Yeah, we'll call you, too, mom.

I'll call everyone
from the pay phone

in the school library.

Wait. Family hug.

I know what you're thinking.

This can't possibly be
my family, but it is.

So how did we get this way?

Ugh. Where do I start?

You know how in summer,

everyone takes those
magical family bonding trips?

Hi!

We're back from Disney world.

Well, we took in their mail.

Here you go.

Really appreciate
your hospitality, Mrs. Heck.

Here's a little something
for you from us.

Souvenir magnet. Thank you.
Love it.

Hi!

We're back from the dells.

Here's your mail.

Thanks a bunch, Frankie. Oh.

And we got
something for you, too.

Aw, and it's shaped like
a little, tiny cheese.

'Cause they have cheese
in Wisconsin.

That's cute.

- Greetings
from the Bahamas-- - Here.

Oh, hang on.

It had a couple babies,
but don't worry. It ate 'em.

Wow.

We suck, Mike.

I ain't gonna argue.
We got any more mayo?

Seriously, look at
all the great places

everybody went this summer.

What did we do? Squat.

Yeah, but with
everybody else gone,

we had the run
of the neighborhood.

Left the garbage cans out
for weeks,

washed the car in my pajamas.

You can't buy that kind
of experience.

You should've seen 'em,
Mike--

Just so happy and close
and sun-kissed.

What about us?
We barely even saw our kids.

I know. Kind of
a perfect summer, wasn't it?

No, but shouldn't we
wanna see 'em?

I mean, isn't it our obligation
to make memories for them,

you know, while there's
still time?

I mean, think about it.

Sue's starting high school.
Axl's gonna be a junior.

A few more years,
the kids will be gone.

Don't jinx it.

No, I'm serious, Mike.

Before long, we're gonna be
living in an empty house.

Keep talking like that, I just
might put this sandwich down

and pick you up.

Okay, fine.
Joke all you want,

but name three times that
you've seen the kids since may.

And not just in the house.
I'll even count around town.

The more Mike thought about it,
the more he realized

I was right.

Thanks to his lifeguard job,

the only evidence of Axl even
existing in our house anymore

was a pile of wet towels
and dirty clothes.

Red bull.

A hint of BO.

I think he was here Wednesday.

Nope, he was way too busy

enjoying
his newfound superpower.

You!

In the yellow 2-piece.
Over here.

Yeah, that's what I thought.
Your shoulders are getting red.

You're gonna have to stay
in the shade next to me.

Right here. Come.

Purple top,
green bottom, bring it over.

I saw you had a popsicle
before you went in.

You know the rule
about eating and swimming.

I'm gonna need your number
so I can call you later

to make sure that you're okay.

There you go. And, uh,
also send your friend over.

She looks like she was
about to run.

Meanwhile, Brick was enjoying

a few joys of summer
of his own.

Shh!

And Sue spent her summer
with carly,

camped out at the mall.

Oh, my God. That cute boy
at hot dog America

is totally looking over here.

Really?

Wait. Don't look.
Okay, now look.

Wait, don't! Okay, now.

Aah!

He saw us looking.

Which do you like better,
yellow mustard or brown mustard?

- Which do you like better?
- I asked you first.

I know what one I like.

Okay, on three. One, two...

- Brown.
- Yellow!

Okay, Mike.

You might not have missed
the kids, but I have,

and I don't want the only magnet
we have to show for ourselves

to be from
Orson gutter and septic.

Well,
in case you didn't notice,

those magnets are holding up
our unpaid bills.

Well, we'll just
have to be creative, then.

Come on. Think.
Just something quick and cheap

that we can look back on
when we're old and alone

and say, "hey, remember that
thing we did with those kids

we used to have?"

Well, you want quick and cheap,
I got quick and cheap for ya.

Oh, no.

- Don't say it.
- I'm gonna say it.

- No, don't say it.
- I'm saying it.

Camping.
There. I said it.

- Really?
- Yep.

Camping.
You really gonna go there?

You-- think carefully.

I said it, didn't I?

Mike, the last time
I went camping with you

was literally the worst night
of my life. The worst.

- Worst.
- Come on.

Our honeymoon was 19 years ago.

Yeah, and you know exactly
how horrible it was.

Wasn't that bad.

It practically killed
our marriage out of the gate.

And I swore after that night,

I would never go back
in the woods with you again.

Hey, you want a vacation
or not?

You know what? I think
this was your plan all along.

Yeah, this was
my master plan--

Stay poor for 19 years
so we can go camping again.

So after five hours
driving around town

hunting down all our kids,

we finally had 'em all
in one place

to break the good news.

Now... we know your friends
all had fun this summer

going on these
great family vacations,

and you were thinking,
"gee, we didn't do anything."

And me and dad wanted
to spend some time with you

before school starts, so...
Guess what?

We're gonna take a little
family vacation of our own.

No!
What?!

It's my last weekend
as a lifeguard.

After this,
all the chicks cover up

and get fat for the winter.

The librarian was gonna let me
re-shelve etruscan literature.

They don't let civilians
do that.

But I start
high school on Monday.

High school!
And I'm not remotely ready.

I haven't even finished
decorating my binder.

Please, please,
don't make me go!

You can't do this! You can't
just spring a vacation on us.

Jeez, you don't even know
what we're doing.

What are we doing?

We're going camping.

No!

Yeah.
It was your dad's idea.

Dad!

- Why are you punishing us?
- What did we do?!

Hey, I was perfectly happy
not seeing you kids all summer.

- This is your mom's thing.
- Mom!

Can't we at least do something
inside that has a tv

and isn't gross?

Look, any motel we can afford

is gonna have more bugs
than the woods.

Just get on board with camping.

Guys, camping was not
my first choice either

by a long shot.

But here's an idea. Maybe we
just don't use that word.

Let's not think of it
as camping.

Let's think of it
as outdoor family fun.

But we don't wanna go.

Fine.
Forced family fun.

You're dragging us
into the woods against our will.

That's kidnapping.

Mm, if we were gonna kidnap
some kids,

you'd be far down the list.

It's just for two days.

Hey, wanna go for three?

So with lowered expectations
and a vague sense of dread,

we packed up the station wagon
and hit the road.

And this time, I'm proud
to say I finally remembered

to bring the blue snack bag...

All the way to the car.

You forgot the blue bag?!

You think I'm happy about this?

I had wine coolers
and a frozen snickers in there.

Hey, you see
that poplar grove over there?

That is one of the oldest
in the state of Indiana.

It says here the tulip poplar,
or liriodendron tulipfera,

grows to 70 feet
and has beautiful flowers.

I know. I just saw
a bunch of 'em

right over there.

Axl, I need to know.
In high school,

what do people do in study hall

and how do you work
the combination lock

and where do people eat lunch

and can I still eat goldfish

or is that considered
a kid snack

and should I try to find
a snack that is more mature?

Shh! I'm sleeping.

I need to know this stuff, Axl.

I'm starting high school, and I
don't want to look like a dork!

Wait. What's this?
It's a message from that ship.

Darn it. It already sailed.

Mom! Did you hear that?
Did you hear what he just said?

I could say I did,
but honestly,

I wasn't listening.

Mike, I'm smelling
something really rank.

Do you smell that?

Fine, Axl.
Who needs you anyway?

I'm sure everything
I need to know

is in my freshman handbook.

Oh, no! I forgot
my freshman handbook!

Dad, we have to turn around
right now! We have to go back!

There's an idea
I can get behind.

Why don't you get
behind the idea

of not being a smartass?

Are you talking to me?

That's for the whole backseat.

According to my book, we should
be passing by a log cabin

that Abraham Lincoln
spent the night at

during his run for presidency.

Then let's keep
our eyes peeled.

That's okay.
They have a picture.

Axl, we need to talk
about the cafeteria.

In high school,
do we call it the "caf"?

Because when Hannah Montana
went to high school,

- they called it the "caf."
- Sue, keep talking,

but just remember, if I threw
you out of the car right now,

I'd be tried as a juvenile.

Is there one lunch period
that's cooler than the other?

Whatever one you're not in.

Which one are you in?

Aah! Why are you
asking me that?!

Why is she asking me that?!

Because we're going
to the same school,

and I might need to go up
to your table at lunch

and ask you something!

- Okay!
- Aah!

That's it! If you are
insisting on going to school with me,

we are setting some ground rules
right now!

No looking at me,
no talking to me,

no acknowledging me in any way.

If an emergency happens,

like mom or dad dies
or something,

you can relay the message to
Sean, and he will let me know,

and I will see you
at the funeral.

- Have I made myself clear?
- But what if I--

Or if I--

But what
if there's an emergency

- and someone puts a bomb in my
backpack and I might need... - Hey!

Okay, stop it, stop it,
stop it, stop it, stop it!

How about we all sing
a fun family traveling song?

Really? You're all
just so busy?

Ugh. Now I'm starting
to smell something, too.

Yeah. I'm getting it now.

- Axl's not wearing shoes.
- Oh!

- What?
- Gross, Axl!

- Axl, put your shoes on.
- Can't. I forgot 'em.

- What?!
- Are you kidding?

You forgot shoes?
How does a person forget shoes?

How does a person
forget a snack bag?

I guess the shoes
I'm not wearing

are now on the other foot.

Well, we can't stop
to get you any, genius.

We're in the middle of nowhere.

Relax! I don't need 'em.

I've been barefoot all summer.

My feet are practically shoes
now anyway.

Check out these leathery dogs.

Ohh!
Ohh!

- Axl! Come on.
- Ohh!

Oh, my God!

You can't handle this, what are
you taking us camping for?

It'll be like going on vacation
on the bottom of my foot.

Hey, I don't wanna hear any more
complaints about camping.

- Camping is gonna be great.
- Pfft.

Okay, you can't judge camping
from our honeymoon, Frankie.

This is a whole new thing.

You went camping
on your honeymoon?

Dad, did you really take mom
camping?

Oh! Is that why
she never talks about it?

It was a perfectly valid
honeymoon choice,

and, by the way,

she was on board with it
in the beginning.

Oh. So are you gonna tell me
where you're taking me

on our honeymoon?

Oh, now that's a surprise,
Mrs. Heck.

"Mrs. Heck."

I'm Mrs. Heck.
I'm a wife.

Whoa. I'm a wife.

And someday I'm gonna be a mom,

and you're gonna be a dad,

and our kids will be
in the backseat.

That'll be fun,
don't you think--

Us driving around
with our two kids?

We are gonna have awesome kids!

Oh, so... where are
you gonna take me?

You want me to blow
the surprise?

I really do.

Well, Mrs. Heck,
I am taking you camping.

Oh, wow!

- Camping.
- You're disappointed.

No! No. Are you kidding?

Look, in 10 or 20 years
from now,

when we got tons of money,
we're gonna be able

to go on vacation
anywhere we want,

but you are gonna love this.
Trust me.

Yeah?

Yeah. Oh, it's the greatest
thing in the world--

The stars, the quiet.

And you're gonna
like me camping.

I got some camping moves.

Ohh! Get your stinking feet
out of my face!

They're not touching you!

They're not touching you!
They're not touching you! Ew!

Ugh!
So was it?

What, Brick?
Was what what?

Your honeymoon--
Was it romantic?

Did you guys have fun?

- Sure.
- Sure.

Okay, guys.
This is the good stuff

from before
government regulations,

so shut your eyes.

Go on through.

Aah! It burns my throat!

Oh!

Did I not say
to shut your head holes?

All right, come on back through
for the sunscreen.

Ow. Ow, ow.

Way to go, mom and dad!

Thanks for bringing us to
the jaggedy-est campsite ever.

What is that?

What? You said to get water.

From the vending machine, Axl.

Why do you think
I gave you 2 bucks?

Well, I thought
you were paying me,

but now I see
I'm just your slave.

Yes, master.

Ow, ow, ow.

- Ow, ow, ow.
- Wait, Axl, before you go,

there's not some special
high school ruled paper,

is there? 'Cause I know
there's college ruled,

but I didn't see
any high school ruled.

Is there high school ruled?

Here's the thing.

They don't really care
that much about paper,

but for some reason, they are
crazy strict about erasers.

They are?

Yeah.

There's this really specific one
they want you to have.

It's pink on one side,
gray on the other,

and they're really obsessed
about it.

This one kid last year
tried to use the wrong eraser,

and...
Got expelled.

Really?

Uh-huh. Now he lives
in an abandoned sewer pipe,

and for dinner, all he eats
is... Sue's an idiot.

Oh, ha ha, Axl.
You are hilariously funny.

So do I need a special eraser
or not?!

Come on, Brick. Book down.
We're hitting the lake.

No. No finger.

Come on.

Let's go.

How long will this take?

I don't know, Brick.
It's really up to the fish.

Why do I have to go?

Because we're camping.
It's a beautiful day,

and I said so.

Was it a beautiful day
on your bad honeymoon?

Bad?
No one said it was bad.

Rain's kinda romantic,
isn't it?

Uh-huh!

Might want to put down
that metal pole.

You can get electrocuted
pretty bad.

Oh, so it rained
on your honeymoon?

So that's why it was so bad?

Yeah, bad, rainy honeymoon.
That's it. Anyway--

Mom.

Jeez! What are you,
a cop or something?

I said that's it.

I actually wanted to talk
to you about something else.

You may not be aware,

because I've been
playing it pretty cool,

but I'm sort of nervous
about starting high school.

Oh, honey.
Everybody's nervous.

But you have carly, so--

But that's just it.
See, carly got this boyfriend,

so she's going into high school
practically an adult,

and the only adult experience
I have was the time

I filled out
the "Cosmo" sex quiz.

I didn't know any
of the answers.

I didn't even understand
the questions.

I just filled in
all B's and C's.

It's okay.

Look, I know
you may feel worried,

but I'm not worried about you.

I think you're gonna do great
in high school.

Really?

How great?

I think... you will do
as great as you always do.

But I just get the feeling
it's gonna be a lot different.

I mean, high school kids
are a lot more mature.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Ow! Bleeding.
Definitely bleeding.

Ow. Ow, ow.

Pretty great, huh?

You get why-- Oh, for the love
of God, are you reading again?

I thought we left the book
back at the campsite.

Brick, we're not here to read.

We're here to spend time
together and enjoy the lake.

Oh, you wanna know
about the lake.

It says the lake is
200 feet at its deepest point

and fed by eight streams.

Really? What color is it?

Print's a little fuzzy.
Maybe...

Gray or...

Oh.

Actually, it's more blue.

Hmm.

And silvery.

They should really take
a better picture of that

and put it in a book
so people can enjoy it.

Brick, you just did enjoy it,
and you know why?

'Cause you looked at it.
You gotta look at the lake

and the trees
and the whole deal,

or you're missing out.

Yeah. I think I'm just more
of a book person.

I don't know
what to tell you then.

Think of the trees
as pre-books.

Look, Brick, you know
all the people

that wrote these books
you read?

Authors.

Yeah, I know what
they're called, Brick.

Point is, they had to
actually do something

to have something
to write about,

to-- to experience stuff
around 'em.

Nobody wrote a book
about reading a book.

Actually, they did.
"The Neverending Story,"

which was first published
in German

under the title
"Die Unendliche Geschichte."

Geschichte.

Here.

Now what?

Well...

Now nothing.
Now we sit and we wait.

That's the beauty of it.

Lot of people don't understand
the beauty of quiet--

Lot of people
right in our house.

It's a lot like standing
in line at the grocery store,

only holding a stick.

Yeah, I guess it is.

Huh.

Yep.

Whoa!

What is happening?
What is that?

M-my pole is all bendy.

You got one!

- Really?! I did?!
- Mm-hmm.

- I read about this!
- Yeah.

Reel it in. No, no, no.
The other way.

Okay, yeah. Th-that's fine.

Give a little slack,
or you'll lose him.

There you go.
You got it!

Here you go.
Yes!

Come here!

You got him! Nice going!

Wow! A fish!

Is this how
fish sticks start out?

Well, not the ones
we can afford.

Hey, hey. Guess who
caught his first fish.

Wow, Brick!
Good goin'!

Yep. Brick kept an open mind,
and now he really gets camping.

Don't you, buddy?

I caught two,
and dad caught six,

and then we both peed
in the bushes.

Hey, can we invite the people
in the winnebago with the tv

to have dinner with us?

No, Brick, this is just for us.

Oh, sure. So now you wanna
keep it to just us. Hmm.

Well...

The ground's still kinda wet,

but our honeymoon suite
is all set.

Ready to carry me
over the flap?

Oh, I've been ready all day.

What's that?

I don't know. Hey!

Hello?

Who's there?

Hello?

Anybody?

Hey.

I know you.

Do I know you?

Mike. Mike Heck.

It's me, Nicky Kohlbrenner.

Class of '83.

Manager of the basketball team.

Hey... wow. Nicky.

Hey, pal.

Well, here,
I'm gonna put you down now.

Been forever.
I mean, what are the odds?

And who is this lovely lady?

This is Frankie, my wife.

You're married.
Good for you. Good for you.

Mikey, what ever
happened to that--

That smoking hot chick
you dated senior year?

What was her name?
Uh, Darcy... Stacy...

Tracy.

Right!

Tracy.

Man, you were
really in love with her.

I thought for sure you two
were gonna get married.

Yeah, he was just gaga
over her.

Remember the time you snuck her
onto the team bus?

Oh, man! Get a room.

Yeah, well, Nicky, turns out
this is the gal for me.

So... how long you two
been hitched?

Oh... about four hours.

Oh, my God.
This is your honeymoon?

Am I crashing your honeymoon?

Well... sorta, kinda.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Oh, jeez.
Where are my manners?

I got some wine right here for a toast.

What are the odds?

Go ahead.

Oh, no, that's okay. I'm not
really a wine... sipper.

Take it.
It's my gift to you.

Oh, that's...

Mmm. Wow.

It's nice.

Yeah. That's from
Kohlbrenner vineyards,

IE, my bathtub.

Well, it's great to see ya.

Yeah. Yeah. You, too.

Ohh.

Oh, boy. Ohh.

Boy, that's feels good.

Could I trouble you
for the day?

Uh, Saturday.

Wow. I've been walking
for two days.

I guess it's time
to admit I'm lost.

By the way, you look
really familiar.

Have we met before?

Oh, no. I'm pretty sure
I would have remembered you.

Well, kudos for landing
the power forward

of the Orson thundering hens
municipal champs.

And you were
the manager, you said?

Ah, that's all right, Mikey.

I don't expect you
to remember me.

You were the big star. I just
took care of the equipment.

Ah.
Not like I ever played.

Well... there was that one time
the coach told me to suit up

last game of senior year.

Oh, yeah?

Four minutes on the clock.

You take the charge
from the big power forward,

and bam!
You hit the floor.

You're not getting up.
And then, coach Benson turned,

and he pointed to me.

And then I got up
off the bench, finally.

And then I heard the crowd
starting to cheer,

and wow, you got up, Mikey.

Who woulda guessed you'd stand
up from an injury like that?

Not me, but you did.

So back down on the bench
I went.

My dad was in the stands.

I remember, 'cause he picked
his camera up like this

and then...
Back down like this.

He died that year,

but it's not like
I didn't go on to success.

I mean, I didn't go on
to success, but it's okay.

My lack of success means
I don't meet a lot of women,

but I like the solitude.

Or you grow to like it anyway.

Funny thing is, you didn't
even play that well.

You just... limped around.

You didn't score one point
that whole last quarter.

Oh, well.

Why don't you stay for dinner?

So what happened?

Did he turn out to be one
of those escaped convicts

with a hook for a hand?

I wish.

Frankie.

Aah! I'm telling mom!

Mom!

What the hell's going on?

Axl chip-clipped my eye!

Axl!

It really hurts!

But I left it on so you could
see what he did to me.

It's her fault!

I was aiming for her mouth,
but she moved!

Axl! What were you thinking?!

You could really have hurt
your sister,

and now the chips
are gonna get stale!

She won't shut up
about high school.

She's driving me nuts!

I mean, you have to agree,
she's a huge dork!

What's on your feet?

They're my dope new kicks.

Check 'em out.

Just tell me you took
the cereal out first.

No, I'm a moron who tied
full cereal boxes to his feet.

Okay, Axl,
no more hurting your sister,

and, Sue, no more talking
about high school.

We came here to have family fun,
and that's what we're gonna do!

So you're finally gonna let us
go over to the winnebago

and watch tv?

No, we're playing a board game
that I brought.

Ugh!

Even in the woods,
we're the poorest people!

Uh, mom, I don't remember there
being a spinner in Monopoly.

Way to go, mom.
There's no dice.

And no properties.

Only some "Sorry!" cards.

That's okay.
We can make this work.

Look, look, look, we each
get some money to start.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, except for Mike,

who gets 2 scrabble tiles,
each worth $100.

Hmm.

- I get the thimble!
- I get the battleship.

Hey, the only thing left in here
is a dirty sock.

Okay, so Brick's the dirty sock,

and your dad and I will just
keep track of where we're going

with our fingers. See?
This is gonna work out great.

I'm first.

Community chest!

There's no cards.

Okay, well, um...
Pop this bubble,

and if you get a 2 or a 6,
you get another turn.

Oh! 5.

Too bad. Brick, you're up.

Brick.

Oh, me?
I thought you said "Rick."

Three, four, five...

This chunk
of the board's missing.

That's okay.

You can either, uh,
buy a hungry hippo

to swim across the gap

or trade in Professor Plum
for a bonus spin.

How much for the hippo?

Frankie,
this game makes no sense.

I'm trying to make
a special vacation here, Mike.

Just spin.

Oh, my God. I thought
of a really important question

about high school that
really needs to be answered.

See? She won't shut up!
Hence the chip clip.

"Reading Railroad."

Uh... we don't have
that one.

Oh, well, you can have
Peppermint Forest

or Queen Frostine, or you pick
one of these activity cards.

Ah.

"Do a charade." No.

Oh, come on!
That would be fun.

We'll never know.

Please, Axl,
it's really important.

Sue, I told you we're not
talking about that right now.

We're trying to create some
special family memories, okay?

Axl, spin.

Come on, "bankrupt,"

so I don't have to play
this lame game anymore.

Uh... Ooh!
Landed on water works.

Gonna king myself for that.

That's not how it works.

You could only king yourself
if you connect four.

Axl, please,
you have to tell me!

Do we say
the pledge of allegiance

before or after
the morning announcements?

Sue!

What?! I'm not asking
as a student.

I am asking as an American.

Oh... my... God.
Seriously, mom,

you cannot send her
to my school!

All right, since Axl's
being mean to his sister,

he loses a turn.

G-17. Reverse bingo
to you, Brick.

Oh, so she's
a complete freak show,

and then when I call her on it,
I'm the mean one?!

Stop yelling. People come
to the woods for quiet.

Look, I'll give you
three fonzie "cool" points

if you stop fighting.

Brick, it's your turn.

Brick!

Brick?

Huh?

Oh, I don't know the rules
of the game.

Nobody knows the rules
of the game.

Just spin or pop or whatever
and move your sock.

Brick.

He's reading a book.

Just because Sue
is being a freak show,

you don't have to take
your anger out on me.

I am not a freak show.
I am just asking questions

that any incoming freshman
would want to know.

And I still don't think
I got a clear answer

on that pledge of allegiance
thing.

Brick, what did I say to you
out by the lake?

Well, first you said,
"pretty great, huh?

"For the love of God,
you're reading again.

I thought we left the book
back at the campsite,"

- and then I said--
- I don't need the minutes.

What was the point
I was making?

If you don't know,
how am I supposed to?

Kabam! I just sunk your yahtzee.

Brick, what did I tell you

about not burying your head
in a book?

I looked at the lake.

It's not just about looking
at the lake one time, Brick.

The lake is a symbol.
It's about...

Participating in life,
being part of the family,

noticing what's around you.

There are amazing stars up there
if you ever looked at 'em.

I thought you got that.

Oh.

Apparently not.

All right, you know what?

Fine. You wanna read?
Go to your tent.

Okay.

Yeah, great punishment, Mike.

You're sending him
to a more comfortable place

to do what he's
already been doing.

Sue, it's your turn. Here.
I'll read the card for you.

Do not pass go.
Go right to loser gardens

where you already own
all the properties.

Hmm.
The player to your left

is a smelly footed stupid head.

Player to your right
has no witty comebacks!

The player to your left
has an ugly face!

The player to your right
should already know

what an ugly face is
'cause she looks at one

every day in the mirror!

Ohh! I'd like to solve
the murder.

Sue got killed in the woods
with the ax!

Ugh! Take this, you--

Stop it, you two!

You're ruining
battle Boggleopoly!

- Aah!
- That's it!

Sue, Axl, go to your tent!

What? But she's the one
who did the--

Axl, stop it.
I don't wanna hear it.

You've been a jerk to
your sister this whole vacation,

and you are her big brother!
You're supposed to help her!

Why? Why do I always
have to help her?

Why do I always have
to be the one to save the day?

What?!

When did you ever save the day?

Seriously,
name one day you saved.

No, not even a day.
Name a morning you saved.

You know, she's scared, Axl.

She's scared?
I'm scared!

Ever think about that?

Everyone's always worried
about Sue, but what about me?

I spent years building
my reputation at school,

and now she's coming
into my world,

and... Sue-ing it up!
It's not fair!

But no one cares about
what I might be going through.

Nobody even thinks about me!
Ugh!

Ugh!

See? This is why I didn't
wanna go camping.

It does not bring people
closer together.

It brings them farther apart.

Will you stop blaming
everything on camping?

You had one bad time.

It was really bad.

Okay, yes,
and it's all my fault.

It was, Mike. It was.

So then the ball's
coming right at you,

but there's not even enough time
to raise your hands,

so you bump the ball
off your head into the air--

Whoosh! Right into the bucket
to beat the buzzer.

What are the odds?

I forgot all about that.
That was a great game.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Ugh!

We make a good team.

You hit the shot. I wiped
your sweat up off the floor.

Hey, I never slipped once.

Oh, and then remember
you told Tracy

that you were too woozy
to drive home,

'cause you hit the ball
on your head,

so you had to go home with her.

Ah, you dog.

Okay.

Mrs. dog-- Right here.

Uh-oh. You're upset.

Mike,
I made your new wife upset.

I'm not upset.

Here. Let me make you...

An "I'm sorry" s'more.

The secret is to shimmy
the marshmallow off the stick.

Shimmy. Don't yank.

Shimmy.

- No. - Taste the difference
that the shimmy makes.

Thanks, but--

- You gotta try it. It's good.
- No, I--

Mmm. Yeah.

That's tasty.

But I'm still kinda full
from all the cake.

From our wedding...
Earlier today.

Oh. Hey, I get it.

Message received.
You don't gotta tell me twice.

If there's one thing you can say
about Nicky Kohlbrenner,

he knows when he's not wanted.

He knows it a lot.

Okay. There was an order
I packed it so it all fit.

Hey, pal, why don't you
let me help you here?

Look at that.

- That'll go there.
- All set.

- Oh, look at that. It all fits.
- Oh, beautiful. Look at that.

Okay.
Very good, very good.

- Bring it up. Put it on his back.
- Here we go.

There's no chance you're ever
looking up Tracy again, right?

You mind if I take
a crack at that?

Hey, knock yourself out.

Well, bye now.

Right when I was about to leave.
What are the odds?

Why don't you stay
until the rain stops?

Whoo. Wow.

I guess I had to get lost
to find a true friend.

Oh, these scented candles
are nice.

Seriously, Mike?

What? Frankie,
what am I supposed to do?

You think I'm happy about this?

I don't know.
Maybe you are.

We've only been married one day.
I don't know you that well.

Maybe you're the kind of guy
who hangs out with his buddies

all the time
and ignores his wife!

You may have just shown me
a side of you

I don't know if I like.

Well, I thought you were
sweet and caring,

but I guess you're the kind
of girl that sends a lost guy

out into the rain!

Maybe you just showed me
a side of you

that I don't know if I'd like.

Are these chocolates
for everybody?

Great. Neither of us
likes each other,

and now we're having
our first fight!

It's not bad enough
that we're camping

on our honeymoon,
and now we're fighting.

You were excited about camping!

I said, "oh, wow."

That's not excited!
That's lying!

You don't know me at all!

You know, the guy did say,
"for better or worse."

Well, I didn't know
you'd be leading with worse!

Okay! I screwed up.

I took you camping
on our honeymoon,

which is apparently
the worst idea ever.

It rained, and an annoying guy
from my high school showed up,

and we had a fight.

But it was 19 years ago,
Frankie. 19 years!

We got three kids!
It worked out!

Why won't you let this go?

Because... I can't.

Okay, fine, then sulk.

Sulk just like you did then.

I didn't sulk!

Yes, you did.
You sulked all night,

and you couldn't let it go.

I tried to make up with you!

- What?
- That's right.

In the tent.
I tried to make up with you!

Mike?

Mike, the rain stopped.

He's gone.

Aw. I'm sorry, Mike.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Ohh.

Aah!

Aah! I'm kidding.
I knew it was you.

You're not Mike!

Oh, you and everybody else.

It's like I'm talking
to my father all over again.

Get out! Get out, get out,
get out, get out!

Okay. We're in a tent here.
It's just us.

Get out!

You know,
in an alternate universe,

you and I could have been
very happy together.

Get out.

Ugh!

What?

That's right, Mike.

I almost consummated
our marriage

with Nicky Kohlbrenner!

What?!

I thought it was you!

How could you think it was me?

Why would I think
it wasn't you?

There was one man in the tent.
I assumed it was my new husband,

you know, seeing as it was
our honeymoon and all!

I went for a walk.

Who goes for a walk
on their honeymoon?!

We had been fighting! I wasn't
used to it like I am now!

If I'd have known

that you'd jump on
any tall guy in a sleeping bag,

I wouldn't have.

Oh, jeez, there's a man
sleeping next to me

on my wedding night
that's not my husband?!

What are the odds?

I'll tell you
what the odds are, Mike. 1 in 2.

What are you yelling at me for?

You're the one
that kissed the guy.

You know how many people
I kissed since we got married?

You! I think
I deserve a freebie.

Fine! Be my guest!
Got anyone in mind?

Oh, I got a few in mind.

Maybe some that
you might not expect.

You got nothin'.

Oh, but you know what it is,
Frankie?

19 years later, and we're
still having the same argument,

and you know why?

Because you don't know how
to go with the flow.

And until you learn how
to go with the flow,

you'll never get camping!

I was trying to create
some memories!

Well, you got 'em!

So everyone went to bed mad.

In the race
for suckiest night of my life,

tonight was officially
neck and neck

with my honeymoon.

- Ow.
- Mom?

You're on my hand.

Oh, sorry.
Mom, guess what?

I've matured.

Yeah, Sue, you're going
to high school. We get it.

No, I mean, I was just
in the bathroom,

and I found out...
I've matured.

Wait. You mean...

Yes! Can you believe it?

I've been lying about
having it for a year and a half,

and it finally happened!

Oh, wow!

I know.

Okay, okay, okay.
Um, do you need a--

No. I've been carrying them
around in my purse for years.

Isn't it exciting?

Yeah, well, it's not always

gonna be as fun as
it seems tonight, but...

The funny thing is,

when I thought about telling
carly on Monday,

it hit me that we might not be
in the same homeroom anymore,

which usually
would make me worry.

But then I realized,
all that stuff that scared me

about high school
was just sort of... gone.

- Oh, Sue!
- Yeah.

Just don't tell dad or Axl.

Of course. It'll be
just between us girls.

I mean, us women.

Oh, shh!
We're gonna wake dad.

Doesn't sound like dad.

Then I remembered
ignoring something

Brick read to us in the car.

"Bears
are most active around dawn and dusk.

"They're often attracted
to improperly packed food,

"but some studies suggest
they may also be drawn

to menstruating women."

Wake up!

- Wake up!
- Frankie, what's going on?

Sue's got her period,
and there's a bear outside!

- Mom!
- Oh! What's with the screaming?

- There's a bear, and Sue got her period!
- What?

Run. Run.
Everybody get to the car.

Bear!

Bear! My daughter's got
her period! Everybody run!

Run away!

Really, Sue? Now?!

I couldn't help it.

It's a girl with her period!
There have been studies!

Make way!

Mom, you said
you weren't gonna tell!

Oh!

Wait.

Where's Brick? Brick!

I don't know.
He said something earlier

- about going to look at the stars.
- Oh, God.

He's out there by himself,
and it's my fault.

Why did I tell him not to read?

Oh, no. He's so little.
He's gonna be like an appetizer!

I gotta go find him.

I'm right here.

Oh, Brick!

Oh, you scared us!

We thought you were out there
looking at stars.

I was.

Jeez, Brick,
you still don't get it, do ya?

- I thought I explained--
- Mike, not the time!

Oh, damn it.
The battery's dead.

Sorry, I was using the light
to read.

I think it wants Sue!

Just give her to the bear
and let him marry her!

It's not like
she's gonna do any better!

Oh!

We're all gonna die!

All right, everyone quiet!

I'll handle this.

Hey!

"Hey"? That won't even get
the Glossners

off our front lawn!

Oh, God!

Okay, everyone just hold on!

I read bears
don't like loud noises!

We should all shout or sing!

Around 86 bottles of beer
on the wall,

the bear went away.

Turns out
nobody likes that song.

Yep, there's a lot
of different things

you can bring back
from a summer vacation--

A magnet, a t-shirt,

a picture with all your heads
through a funny cut-out.

But once in a while,

you bring home something
a lot more meaningful.

Like I said, Mrs. Heck,
camping.

I get it now.

I wonder how long it'll last.

Oh, Axl, one more question.

Are the water fountains
twist or push, because--

Hey!

I'll drive her.

Hey!

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