All language subtitles for The League s03e12 St. Pete.eng

KEVIN: A toast.

To the McArthurs in the playoffs.

- JENNY: Cheers to that.
- Yeah.

And not just two McArthurs
in the playoffs.

How about Taco?

Well, that boy just rode
Arian Foster the entire way.

Taco versus Andre-- that is a
frittata versus a fantasy frittata.

Either way, one of us is playing
a frittata for the Shiva!

It's crazy.

It's so good.

I was thinking, this year it'd be
really fun to do a friendly wager.

Mmm.

Between us.

Okay.

If I win... Mm-hmm.

...I would like to have another baby.

Wow.

There, I said it.

Really do.

I was thinking, like, a month of back rubs, but...
We could do both.

All right, Kevin McArthur,
if you bring home a healthy

six-pound Shiva trophy, I will cook
you one sweet healthy McArthur baby.

This is great!

I am so excited, you have no idea.

Yeah?

I'm telling you, you're
not gonna regret this.

Yeah?

I have so much on the line now.

(Jenny coughing)

gotta win.

I mean, look, yes, it's gonna be a
change in our life-- Are you okay?

(Jenny coughing)

All right, just get it
down the right pipe.

Easy.

All right, relax.

Did you just check the TV?

While I'm choking?

No, I-- you know, there was a...
a little ticker at the

bottom about LaGarrette Blount.

But that-- I was, I was
concerned about you.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I'm so much better now.

So strong when you're angry.

Sync & corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com

I just glanced away for a second to see
the LaGarrette Blount ticker, and I was

right back.

TACO: Yeah, it's not like you're
responsible for her safety or anything.

Well, theoretically I am.

RUXIN: 'Cause you're more
attractive than she is.

Look, babe, I just got to a
meeting, so I got to roll.

PETE: Lies, lies.

But I will talk to you when
you get ho-- H-Hello? Hello?

What happened?

Dropped the call.

I pay $150 a month, and my
phone can't complete calls.

The app I want for my phone is "phone."

You know what, you could develop
that app, now that you

have all this free time in the losers'
bracket, away from the Shiva Bowl.

Oh, you know what, you
could help me with it.

ANDRE: Actually, you both are one
loss away from being in the Sacko.

How the mighty have fallen.

First to worst.

(ringtone playing)

Oh, Sofia's calling me.

Hey, girlfriend.

No, he's not in a meeting,
he's at the bar with me.

Uh, I don't know.

Were you in an accident?

Every time I have a dropped call, she
thinks I've been in an accident.

Are you okay?

No, I got decapitated, you platypus.

I don't know.

He says he got decapitated.

Give me that phone.

Hey, baby.

No, it just dropped the call.

Why are people so obsessed about finding
out why you dropped the call?

All of a sudden, everyone
becomes a cell phone Columbo.

"I think it was the truck,
or maybe it was the hills."

Okay, babe, I'll pick
up the roast chicken.

I love you, I love you.

(sighs)

See you later.

Bye-bye, buddy.

Marital bliss.

You know, the choking, the accidents--
we're living in a dangerous world.

That's why I want you to all know
that I am available to be your ICE.

Ice?

What's ice?

No, no, "in case of emergency" contact.

I got Jenny.

I've got...
Yeah, mine's my homeless friend Doak.

Doak doesn't have a phone.

He has a walkie-talkie.

All right, well, I'm offering
you guys an upgrade.

I'm a doctor, I'm
available at all times.

Actually, could I get
Doak's contact from you?

I could use a backup.

All you need to do is buy a
walkie-talkie, turn it to channel six.

Channel six, got it.

Thank you.

You know what, think about it.

We don't have to make
a decision right now.

The door is open.

Eh, close it.

Close that up.

Close it up.

Door's unlocked, so you can
just keep on opening it up.

Just do a little...
Guess what, I'm by the window.

Hi, guys.

Oh, we got to nail that one down.

This one over here, too, all right?

Just close.

Paint it shut.

There we go.

Put them there.

What's this?

(making explosion noises)

You blew up the house.

You should call your ICE.

I don't have one.

(sighs): Ooh.

Hey, I can use Doak?

Mm, he's got a lot on his plate.

I thought I was gonna be
in the playoffs, at least.

I certainly didn't think I was gonna
end up in the goddamn Sacko Bowl.

No one ever does.

Guess I just feel like, is this it?

Like, is this really my life?

You ever just... you ever just
think about throwing it all away?

Just take a little step, and all
of a sudden, you're just...

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

No, no, no, no, no.

Stop! Stop it! Stop.

I'm just saying, Kevin.

I've decided to commit Shivacide.

No, you can't do that.

Benching players to intentionally
lose is against the rules.

So is changing the draft order
at the front of the season.

You know I did not want to do that.

Kevin, this is very simple.

The teams with the two worst
records end up in the Sacko Bowl.

If I lose this week, no matter
whether Ruxin wins or loses, he

ends up in the Sacko Bowl with me, and
I know that I can crush him there.

Wait, are you sure?

Yes, I've done my homework.

I've looked at the tiebreakers,
I've crunched all the numbers.

I sacrifice myself for the
greater good of the league.

You're like an angel.

I prefer saint.

Saint Peter.

Bless you, my son.

Lunch?

Yeah, let's do that.

Guys, I know I've been chewing your
ear off all year about Taco Corp.

Yeah.

Yes.

You guys are probably really
sick of hearing about it.

Definitely.

Absolutely.

Because it's not real.

Finally.

Thank you.

That's why I've decided to
incorporate Taco Corp for real.

(others groan)

Ruxin, as my lawyer and wartime
consigliere, I need to

discuss these matters further with you.

All right, Ruxin, before we get
to business, buy me a drink.

Why?

'Cause in business, the host
buys the visitor the drinks.

You invited me for the drink, Taco.

Yeah, but you're my lawyer, so you're
probably gonna do most of the talking.

Hey, hey, hey.

That's my phone.

Give me that back.

What are you doing?

Oh, nothing.

I just added myself as your ICE.

Now you can call each other and talk
about not being in the playoffs.

"Hey, Andre, it's Pete.

It's an emergency.

I'm not in the playolas, and
I'm not sure I ever will be."

Andre, you accepted your own
Facebook invitation to me?

Yes.

It was sitting there for ages.

No, seven years.

And the reason I want you for this
job is because I respect you.

I don't respect you at all.

And the reason I respect you is
because you remind me of a young me.

You're younger than me.

Wide-eyed, naive, stealing
other people's mail.

And you're a decent lawyer.

Not the best, but you're a friend.

You're not my friend.

You can have a whole
career at Taco Corp.

I have no interest.

And you get to work
very closely with me.

I can't stand being around you.

We'd be glad to have you.

I'm not doing it.

Welcome on board.

I have no interest in being
on your board, Taco.

And it makes me crazy that you
somehow drooled your way to the

playoffs, and so it ends right now.

I cannot say it clear enough:

no.

Fine, we'll just part ways and
you'll buy me that drink.

It's like talking to a block of marble.

I just can't get it up
for college football.

It's kind of weird to just
watch a football game with no

ulterior motives or agendas.

Ellie, I hope you're doing your
own homework in there and

not having Uncle Taco do it for you.

All right.

Don't talk to her like she's a child.

She is a child, Taco.

And I'll know if the homework
is done by you, honey, okay?

The handwriting.

No one will be able to tell.

That's not a compliment.

You realize that, right?

All right, just... If he keeps helping
her, she's gonna get left back.

Hey, did you see my lineup this week?

It is on.

Okay, what have you done?

Hakeem Nicks-- eh, I don't know.

Looked like he was maybe
limping a little bit.

What if I start Percy Harvin instead?

Slow subtle maneuvers.

And, yeah, Saint Pete will
have his ass handed to him in

week 15, but Ruxin's players are all on
teams that are going to the playoffs.

Mm-hmm.

So they're gonna be sitting on the bench
in Week 16, and I will crush him.

That's the way it should be.

Putting a beard on Andre
and making him play flute?

Nothing.

That's nothing compared
to what's coming.

Child's play.

Now, check this out.

I have come up with a couple of
things I wanted to show you.

I've run some very extensive scenarios.

What the hell is this?

And I've come up with
this-- an alternate season.

(whispers): If we didn't cheat.

Don't say that.

Now, look, the draft order
would essentially have been

Ruxin first, and he probably
would've taken Adrian Peterson.

But it's almost irrelevant when
you crunch all the numbers, and

I still would've made the playoffs.

The trajectory that I'm on to the
Shiva would've happened anyway.

All right, you need to take
this and put this back in your

Trapper Keeper, and you need to
do a better job hiding it than

you did with that gun of yours.

Pete, Pete!

What's the emergency?

Andre, thank God you're here.

Just in time.

I need a ride home.

That's not an emergency.

Well, it's an emergency to me.

And while you're up, could
I get a Bud Light, too?

Okay, no, we have to talk about what
constitutes an actual emergency.

Well, if you get him a beer like
you're supposed to, then he

won't be able to drive home;

hence the emergency.

Just having, like, second thoughts
about this whole ICE thing.

Andre, you're a doctor;
you took an oath.

Look, this is not some episode
of Diff'rent Strokes

where I'm Willis's butler for a week.

A Hippocratic oath.

More like hypocritic oath.

Yeah.

Okay, I'll get you a beer.

Awesome, thanks.

Can I get one, too?

No.

He needs it; it's an emergency.

(groans): Ah, I'm thirsty.

Fine.

Thank you.

I'm getting beers.

Help yourself.

What are you doing?

I'm helping Ellie with her assignment.

It's to draw her hero.

And for some weird reason,
she chose her father.

Aw!

And here's the picture.

Oh... What is this?

Why am I naked?!

Ellie did not draw that.

No, no, no, I helped her with this one.

Taco, she can't bring this into
a second grade classroom!

I'm sorry the crotchal region
is not flattering, but it's

accurate.

It's inappropriate, is what it is.

Are you upset about the bend?

Look, that's a McArthur
family tradition.

No, it's a lilt, first of all.

Whoa.

That's a bend.

Anything past 19 degrees is a bend.

I can fix that if you want.

No.

Technically, that's a
medical emergency.

You are never touching my dick again.

You give me the sign,
I'll do it at night.

Taco, the fact that you drew an
anatomically correct version

of my husband is just wrong.

Not 100% anatomically...
I gave you an extra inch... No.

...because it's about
hero worship, right?

(Jenny sighs)

What's wrong with her?

And what's even more creepy
is that you used an actual

photograph for my head.

Yeah, dicks: great at drawing them.

Balls: not so much.

Faces: not at all.

Why don't you just concentrate
a little more on faces?

I still got a lot of
work to do on dicks.

But then again, I'm my harshest critic.

DeMarco Murray is out, which means
Felix Jones will be cleaning up.

Let's take a little walk over to
the waiver wire, and guess who's

got number one priority on the waiv...
Taco?

(sighs)

(line rings)

Hello?

Hey, Taco!

Ruxin.

Yeah, I want to take you out to dinner,
and just, like, pick your brain.

Huh?

Come on, Taco and Ruxin... BFFs.

It's not in there!

How do you lose a briefcase?

I don't know.

Ellie plays with things,
she moves things around.

How am I supposed to keep track?

(gasps)

Oh!

What?

Change.

That's not important.

We're looking for the stupid alternative
league universe thing you created.

Hey, I worked really hard on that.

Well, you better work
harder on finding it.

Well, what am I supposed to do?!

I don't know where it is!

Well, we have a lot to talk about,
so I'm glad you agreed to

business dinner with me.

To have a business dinner.

No, we're gonna business dinner.

Last week, I business
dinnered with Doak.

Taco, "business dinner" is not a verb.

Yes, it is.

Like "moonwalk" or "karate."

Okay.

I don't want you to worry about the
cost of the business dinnering tonight.

It's on me.

All right, buddy?

I can pay, Taco.

'Cause you're basically
a homeless person.

Um, Ellie, have you
seen Daddy's briefcase?

Oh, yeah.

Uncle Taco took it for his
dinner meeting with Ruxin.

Dinner meet-- what do you
mean "dinner meeting"?

It's for Taco Corp.

It's the end of the fiscal year.

God, okay.

If Ruxin sees what's in that briefcase,
this whole season is toast.

All right, all right, relax.

Honey, did Uncle Taco tell you where
he was holding that business dinner?

Well, not exactly, but he
gave me these to play with.

He gave you matches?

"Obscura."

That's that stupid restaurant downtown.

You're gonna love this place.

It's dining in the dark.

Dining in the dark?

Welcome to Obscura, where the only
sense you need is your sense of taste.

Is this joker blind?

This joker is blind, but he's not deaf.

All of our staff have been
trained to provide excellent

service in complete darkness.

Thank you, Joker.

Come this way.

This is gonna be great.

And totally not awkward.

Come this way.

Give me your hand.

(Ruxin sighs)

Mm, someone napped in
their car this afternoon.

Wasn't my car.

How dark we talking here?

Jesus, it's pitch black.

(thump)

Ow!

Watch your step.

You got it, Joker.

Is this the kitchen door?

Okay, you ready to do this?

Yeah, let's do it.

Let's hit it.

Boom!

Get it.

Quiet.

Let's go.

(people chattering)

(whispering): Holy shit, it works.

This is awesome.

Okay.

(whispering): I don't
know what that means.

What are you doing?

Come in and split up.

What's wrong with you?

All right.

Waiter, waiter, waiter.

Back up, back up.

(sniffing)

I hope you're enjoying
your dining experience.

Mm-hmm.

Wait, there he is, there he is.

Oh.

Okay, go.

...in-depth business plan.

I'll lay it out in my briefcase, which
I will bring out in a few seconds.

Mm-hmm.

The first investment I'm thinking:
underwater theme parks.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

So I wanted to hear your opinion
on some of the ideas that I had.

That's awesome.

And I know that you're very--
Did you, did you take my wine?

No.

Maybe you just have no sense
of where things are anymore.

No, no, no, I'm used
to being in the dark.

I drank out of a puddle when I
was seven, was blind for a week.

Since I'm now part of the Taco
Corp family, you know how

you have the priority on
the waiver wire this week?

Mm-hmm.

And I was thinking, maybe if you
just sort of sat back, then

I could come in and grab Felix Jones.

Okay, well, you see, all my instincts
are telling me to say no right now.

But I think there's a little guy on
my shoulder telling me to say yes.

So, you got it.

Yes!

Now that we've filled our stomachs, I
would like to show you my business plan.

And it is in my briefcase.

It's gonna be hard to read, but
I'm gonna bring that out for you.

Uh-huh.

(blowing)

Did someone open the window?

I don't know, Taco.

I got some pepperoni wind in my face.

And here.

(both laugh)

Yes!

That was awesome!

We just did that!

Let's see the loot.

It's all paperwork, stuff for work...
Maybe it's in that one.

All right, hold on.

Let me look in this one.

What?

Stupid Taco.

You know what?

Think I left it at work.

(laughs): You dumb-ass.

I know.

Oh, well.

The most important thing is, if it's
not in there, Ruxin didn't see it.

Okay, yeah.

You still got to find
this thing, though.

(laughs)

Want me to give you a lift home?

No, this sounds like an emergency.

I think I'll, uh, call Andre.

Ah, good idea.

So big there...

Dez Bryant's out?

It's two hours before game time.

All right, I need somebody
on the waiver wire here.

(siren wailing)

Oh, no! Crap.

Hi. I am so sorry, Officer.

Well, you know why I pulled you over?

Texting while driving.

I'm actually not texting.

Was changing my lineup.

Well, it's the same thing-- using
your phone while operating a vehicle.

I'm gonna have to give you a ticket.

Okay.

License, registration, proof
of insurance, please?

Sure. There you go.

Can I ask you a question?

Okay.

Jabar Gaffney, Lance Moore-- your gut.

'Cause I have been down the
Lance Moore path many a time.

I don't know who those characters are.

What kind of game are you playing?

Characters? They're not...
Is it World of Warcraft?

It's not World of Warcraft.

These are football players.

Jabar sounds like a wizard to me.

Yeah, I wish he was a
wizard at touchdowns.

Okay, sir, could you
put your phone down?

Okay.

Sir, put the phone down.

Okay.

Sir, clearly, you're still doing it.

Sorry, I'm sorry. I just...
Put down the phone, sir.

It's a playoff week.

I mean, you're writing me a ticket
for texting, so let me just text.

It's, like, if you're gonna arrest me
for murder, let me murder the person.

Murder? All right, sir,
step out of the car.

That was a bad example.

Step out of the car, sir!

I didn't murder anybody.

Just give me the phone.

No, just one second, just one second...
Give me the phone!

Hello?

Hey, hey! It's Andre!

Where you been?

I've been texting you all morning.

What's going on?

My car got impounded, and I
need 500 bucks to get it out.

So can you come down
here and pick me up?

You know what, I'm already at Kevin's.

That's not super convenient.

Well, this is an emergency.

You're my emergency contact.

That's the thing, Andre.

I'm not your emergency contact anymore.

What do you mean you're
not my emergency contact?

I traded you to Taco.

What?! I don't want Taco
as my emergency contact.

I wouldn't even trust
him to do my laundry.

Hey, I had to throw in Jason
Witten just to sweeten the deal.

Jason Witten?

With Dez Bryant out,
he's gonna crush me.

You know, he's playing me this week.

Whoa. God, that does
sound like an emergency.

Coming, Andre! Don't worry!

I'll save you!

Oh, great, here he comes.

Have fun.

Don't worry about it.

Thank you so much.

Mwah! See you later.

What's your emergency?

My car got impounded.

What I need to do is
get it out of here.

Yeah, you do.

You're my ride back to Kevin's house.

What about that girl?

I don't know, I don't even
know her phone number.

What do you mean you don't
have her phone number?

I don't even know her name.

Do you have any money?

No, I was gonna borrow some from you.

No, this is my emergency.

I need the money from you.

Look, I'm here, I'm your emergency
contact, I'm gonna help you out.

Oh.

Ooh.

God! What's in there?

Oh, yeah.
I turned it into a sandwich bag.

That's an old baloney sandwich.

You know what, I'm gonna walk.

I can't believe I was this close
to the The Shiva and then

you had to trade Jason Witten to Taco.

Congratulations, Taco.

You're going to The Shiva Bowl!

Oh. Cool.

All right, I'm late.

What did I miss?

What's going on?

Well, I'll tell you what-- got
some good news for you, Ruxin.

- Yeah?
- You are winning.

Whoa, there.

There we go.

But you do realize it's
probably all for naught?

What do you mean?

Because the teams with the two
worst records automatically

go to the Sacko Bowl.

Right. So Ted, Pete... Not if he loses.

So basically, no matter what happens to
him, if I lose he goes to the Sacko?

Yep, because of all the tiebreakers.

That's crazy!

Well, how is your team doing?

I am actually losing, with
only Tolbert left to play.

What's going on with him in the game?

I haven't really seen him
since the first half.

I don't know what's going on.

But he's the Vulture.

He's sort of like a sick vulture.

Yeah, the Vulture's a little ill.

(imitating vulture groaning)

(fake sneeze, groaning)

Uh, it looks like you and I are
gonna be in the Sacko together.

You don't seem that upset about this.

You know, you win some, you lose
some-- I'm at peace with it, really.

Hm.

You know, Ruxin, you keep making
that face, it might freeze that way.

If I keep making this finger, you
think it'll freeze this way, too?

First to worst, buddy.

Something stinks here.

I made a Cheerio fart.

(choked up): You know, what
I smelled was betrayal.

Are you... are you crying?

No, I'm not crying!

This is bullshit!

Bless you, my sons.

You, Pete, you should
be canonized for that.

That was awesome.

He was crying!

Like a real person.

Fart! Fart!

Goddamn collusion!

This is not the way it
was supposed to go!

I'm the league champion!

I'm the league champion!

Ruxin, you're being a
real dick to my frog.

What is this, Ellie?

Daddy's hair pills.

I'm making my daddy a collage.

Propecia? Is that why his
hairline goes halfway down his

forehead like Teen Wolf?

(chuckles)

Thanks for the ammo, Ellie.

What's this?

It's my hero collage.

I chose Daddy.

Your daddy's your hero?

Mm-hmm.

You should aim higher, like a
low-end bookie or a spare tire.

What is this?

Oh, this is the papers
Daddy works on every day.

"Alternate league draft order"?

I knew there was collusion.

Whoa!

Hey! That's my homework!

Get bent!

Oh, come on, you'd think I'd get
more from the Baltimore D than this.

This is exactly how
I saw this going down.

Down seven points and San
Diego's still driving.

Come on, guys!

First the Shiva Bowl, next...
Mother of the Year Award.

Wow, a Jenny-Taco Shiva Bowl.

Boring.

Yeah. I'm not excited about it, either.

An all-McArthur Shiva Bowl,
and I'm not even in it.

You know, I did not set up this
league to have a trophy end up

with my wife's name on it
or as a bong in my attic.

And I'm destined to never win it.

Maybe you're like Moses, you
know-- you're supposed to

lead the people from the
desert but you're not allowed to go

into the promised land yourself.

Look at this! Look at this!

Holy shit. Interception.

Two points.

Go for the sideline.

Keep going, Ed Reed.

He's got one guy to beat.

What?

(all talking excitedly)

Aah...!

Whoa, whoa, wh... Yeah!

Oh, my God!

You saved me.

Kevin, six more points!

You won!

I didn't even see the play.

You took your eyes off the
game and you saved me.

And I beat you.

Suck it!

Oh, I love you did great.

Oh!

I'm going to the Shiva Bowl!

Hey!

Shiva committee!

Someone get the drum!

What is this?

Ellie's homework.

This is why I wanted a new
kid-- this one's no good.

You cheated me in the draft order, and
you thought you could outsmart Ruxin!

Ruxin, just look at what I drew
up-- you'll see there was

no difference in either
way-- I'm telling you!

I'm not looking at anything, 'cause
all I see are lies and collusion!

This whole season is null and void!

Vull and noid!

(shouting slurred gibberish)

What?

(crying): Sofia? Yeah, you're not gonna
believe what the other guys did to me.

Yeah... No, they totally
(slurring): betrayed me.

Hello? Hello?

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Ruxin?

Oh, my God, I think
he's having a stroke.

Hello?

Hello?

Ugh! Rodney, you got to get
a new cell phone provider.

He's frozen in Ruxin face.

Now, even though he didn't choose me as
his emergency contact, I will help him.

Okay, Ruxin, can you hear me?

(Ruxin grunts)

I'm going to give you mouth-to-mouth.

(Ruxin grunting)

Okay... all right... okay...
(Ruxin grunting)

He's fighting-- this is a good sign.

I'm trying to help you!

(Ruxin grunting)

(both grunting)

I think he is breathing fine.

I think we're supposed to pee on him.

That's jellyfish, you idiot!

Might not help, but it can't hurt.

(unzips zipper)

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www.addic7ed.com

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