All language subtitles for The League s02e12 Kegel The Elf.eng

Season's greetings, everyone.

From Kevin and Jenny.

We wanted to take a minute to
wish you and your families a

very happy and healthy holiday season.

We have so much to be thankful for.

We have a wonderful, healthy daughter.

Amazing friends.

Ugh! So delusional.

And did we forget to mention that we
are both in the playoffs this season?

Here we go.

It seemed to have slipped my mind.

Yes, we are so blessed to have not
one, but two teams in the playoffs.

I mean, some homes don't have any.

Andre.

I never should have
made that trade with Taco.

And this week's matchup
should be a a cakewalk.

Yes. You're going to
obliterate Peter.

You are going to kill Rodney.

We'll see about that.

And so, from the first family of fantasy
football... To your family at home...

Suck it!

Sync by Alex1969
www.addic7ed.com

d Good tidings we bring
to you and your friends d

d we wish you a Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year d

Oh, that is awesome.

- You did that so good, baby.
- Good job, princess.

High five! Yes!

You remembered all the words.
That was good.

Well, most of the words.

Okay.

Thanks for coming, Pete.

It's never too late to become the
godparent I've always wanted to be.

- Really?
- Yeah

Has nothing to do with
Ellie's very single teacher?

Well, maybe a tiny...
Little bit.

Tiny bit? Little bit?

Great job, Ellie.

Right?

Very nice, miss Martin.

Well, thank you very much, Mr.
Eckhart.

Are we still good for our
after school appointment?

Yes. Our appointment.

We are on.

Chinese food, maybe a movie?

Sure. So, um, can actually
talk to you two for a second?

Yeah. Sure.

Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, that sounds serious.

That would be my cue.

- Come on, let's head out.
- Thank you so much.

So you do guys mind
taking a seat for a sec?

Yeah. No.

Sure. Okay.

Great. Uh, we don't sit
like that in my class.

Oh, yeah, no.

Turn the chair around, please.

- I don't sit like that in...
- Don't want to set a bad example.

No. Right

Okay, so Ellie has had some
behavior that has been slightly

- troubling, and, um...
- Really?

I had asked her to draw
a picture of her hero.

Are you guys friends with a,
um, a man named The Flex?

"Cady Williams."

She spelled Williams correctly.

She did.
She's an excellent speller.

That's great.

And then also, during lunchtime,
students often trade

things out of their lunch boxes,
but Ellie seems to be running

these incredibly elaborate,
like, three-way trades, and

she's starting to act like a bookie.

Really?

She told one of the other students, summer,
to take a ride on her "suck stick."

Frankly, I've never even
heard that phrase before.

I've never ridden on
anyone's suck stick.

I haven't either.

Do you even know... do you
even know what that means?

It could be like a
lollipop or a popsicle.

Yeah, like... okay, I think
that may be inappropriate.

No, we do not speak like
that in our home, not ever.

Never.

Ellie, I want you to meet someone.

This is the elf on the shelf.

Elf on the shelf?

Yeah.

This elf tells Santa who is being
naughty and who is being nice.

- Really?
- He's watching you, all the time.

So this little budy

he's going to sit right up here and
he's going to keep his eye on you.

Okay?

And now I think it's time
for you to take a tubbie.

Bath time.

That's bull crap.

What did you say, young lady?

You heard me.

Well, I'm sorry, what's that,
Mr. Elf on a the shelf?

You're calling Santa right now?

Uh-oh.

Santa's being phoned.

All right.

Rtop busting my balls.

Where-where did she learn
to talk like that?

I knew we were going to have
the dick kid, I knew it.

I'm going to get a sympathy
card and send it to your house.

Why?

'Cause you're dead.

I'm going to shove my flex
player so far down your

throat, you're going to be
able to taste it on Monday.

You're in the playoffs now, okay?

And you're going to choke like
Tony Romo every year, my friend.

I love this.

- Watching you two argue like this...
- Oh, God.

Knowing that I don't even
have to participate.

I'm above it.

Are you claiming that you enjoy
not being in the playoffs?

I love it.

Really?!

Stress-free.

Had a great season.

You had a terrible season.

Horrible season.

Until you play for the Sacko,
which you will, it's as if

you're not in this league at all.

You cease to exist.

I exist.

No, you are fading away like that
photograph in 'Back to the Future'.

And until McFly screws Caroline
in the city, you're gone.

By the way, Jenny and I got you
and Sophia a Christmas present.

Wait, I thought we weren't doing
Christmas presents this year.

No no, we do Christmas presents
because we're good people.

I don't wanna give you a present,
you don't want to give me a present,

why should we do it?
Why should we waste out time?

Dude, you haven't even
thought about it yet?

That is why you suck
at fantasy football

'cause you're spending all year
getting people gifts that they hate.

Oh, like you didn't like that
Iron Man II replica mask.

- Well, Ruxin, how are you?
- Where's Andre?

- Who?
- I don't know who you're talking about.

- Who's this douchebag?
- Oh, this is Terry,

the anorexic pumpkin
we're hanging out with.

How did your date with Lindsey go?

- Man, it was good.
- I love that you're going out

with his kid's teacher.

I mean, the woman whose hands are
shaping your daughter's future,

are firmly grasping on to
Pete's tiny little doner.

In all fairness, ermm, that's
not really happening right now.

- What do you mean?
- I don't know, man, I mean things are good.

Did you do your funny little joke
and then lean in for the kiss?

I leaned in, I got the kiss,
and then, hrroooh.

- Stone wall.
- Shut down.

She had a kid, like, last year and she
keeps telling me that I'm not ready and--

- That means she's not ready.
- She just had a kid.

When Sophia had a kid, we didn't
have sex for six month.

Baby Jeffrey just...
blew the church doors wide open.

Baghdad's not ready for
the Olympics, okay?

It's like a warzone down there.

Yes, it's horrible.

You should just send her over to me.

I could hook you up with a
vaginal weight specialist.

That's real?

It's a real thing.

It's kind of like working out.

Women do these Kegel exercises
with weights that help

strengthen the vaginal wall.

Would there be such a thing as,
like, a vaginal strongman?

Step right up and see the strongest
vagina in all of Coney Island.

Only a nickel.

Her labia can pull an
entire mack truck!

- Ugh, ugh.
- Uh-huh, you made this gross.

This was fun, and now
you're making it gross.

Oh, from the McArthurs.

Uncle Kevin and aunt Jenny sent
us a present that I didn't ask for,

so I have to send them a
better present, 'cause I make

more money than them.

What do we got here?

Look at this cool box.

Kevin actually did
something nice for daddy.

Oh! Ew!

Oh, oh, gross eggs!

Uncle Kevin just tried to stink
out daddy before the playoffs...

get in his head.

And now you're going to learn the most
important Ruxin family value... revenge.

Okay?

Milk, chicken... the milk gets rotten,
and the chicken gets rancid, and in a

few days, it's going to explode.

And Kevin's house smells like you
after you've eaten too many peanuts.

Ta-da! Chicken-milk stink bomb.

Yay! Merry Christmas, Kevin.

Oh, hey, what's going on, Ellie,
good to see you.

- Who is this guy that you have here?
- This is my elf.

- Oh, what's his name?
- Kegel.

- Oh, elf Kegel.
- Kegel, the elf.

I wonder what job Kegel the elf
has in the North Pole.

- I wonder how Kegel the elf got its name.
- What?

- You're a doctor.
- You know that came from you.

- This is my fault?
- Yes.

Oh, yeah, I snuck into your house late
at night and gave her a Kegel color book.

She got it from you.
No more foul language.

- I have a clean mouth.
- No, you certainly do not.

Look inward, my friends.
You have the dirtiest mouth I know,

and you have the second
dirtiest mouth I know.

- I do not.
- Yes, you do.

Last week you told me to
take a ride on your suck stick.

- Hey.
- I thought it was a compliment.

Oh, and you should get off
your high horse

because I believe it was last week on the
message board... it was you who

called me a "cocktard."

Oh!

Like it.

Cocktard, right?

Good job.
Jo yeah.

Blow it up.

This is nice.

Just because we're competing in
the playoffs, doesn't mean we

can't take a moment to have a
nice, gentlemanly drink and

celebrate our accomplishments.

Thank you, sir.

Cheers.

So, how are you?

How are things going with miss Martin?

Things are great.

There's a little bit
of an issue, though.

She's having a little bit of a
confidence issue in this area, and...

Let's use our words now,
Pete; Come on, now.

Okay, fine.

She's have a pussy confidence problem.

Oh, not those words.

And I was wondering if you might
have a little talk with her.

Why me?

No one has more confidence
than Jenny McArthur.

No, no, no, no.

If I remember correctly, you guys
accused me of vaginal hubris.

Hey, I was wrong.

I've changed my mind.

Really?

You need to share this with
the mothers of the world.

So if you could talk to her and
maybe pump her up a little bit.

How exactly do you see me
broaching this subject with her?

Andre mentioned that there are
these weights that women use...

Why would I do this for you?

Because I'm your friend and
you want me to be happy.

Not that bad.

Well, if you don't, she might
just happen to be at my

apartment and see a video post
of Ellie's mother swearing like

a truck driver, and I might
encourage her to hold a special

parent-teacher conference
on Sunday morning.

I do the final tweaks to my
lineup on Sunday morning...

Oh, I forgot about that.

We should probably make the
deal then, shouldn't we?

God, you're an asshole.

It is decided.

You...
It is decided.

You...
It is decided.

You are no gentleman.

And neither are you.

Oh, Christmas gift from Andre.

From the federline collection.

Jesus, Andre.

Oh, hey, Ruxin.

Where are you coming from?

Same way I always get in... garage.

What do you want?

I want to know if you
received my valuables.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

My eggs... my year-old eggs?

Those are your stinky eggs?

Yeah. I'm making
thousand-year-old eggs.

Only 999 years to go.

I'm going to pass them down to my
children and my children's children.

As curious as I am to see
what kind of spawn you're

weed-soured nuts can create,
this has nothing to do with me.

Yes, it does.

I sent you my valuables
'cause you are my lawyer.

Nahh, I'm not your lawyer, and you
don't send your valuables to a lawyer,

you send them to a bank.

In this case, you should send
your valuables to a trash can.

You didn't throw them out, did you?

No, because like any good lawyer,
I keep incriminating evidence.

They're behind the shed.

But I honestly thought that
Kevin sent them to me to stink

up my house and screw with
my head before the playoffs.

No, they got you a
wine-of-the-month club.

It's really nice.

What'd you give them?

I gave them a huge mistake.

Jackpot.

It's nobody's birthday, Uncle Ruxin.

Ellie, Ellie, no, no, no.

What did I tell you?

We don't... it's heavy!
It's a Wii!

It's a Wii! It's a Wii!

I don't know if it's a Wii.

We'll have to wait and find out.

We don't want to upset
Kegel the elf, now do we?

I'll go get myself a
gingerbread cookie.

No more cookies.

You don't need any more sugar.

Pipe down.

Look at this... talking trash
already, just like her mother.

Oh, hey, brother.

Look who it is.

What are you, uh, what
are you doing here?

I have an invitation for you.

Bro.

For a birthday party.

For...?

Your eggs.

Yeah. They're turning one.

Well, gee, look at that.

It's at my house.

Yeah, this is a great party house.

By the way, should I give you a
list of snacks, or are you just

going to freestyle it?

No, we're not having a party,
at this house, for your eggs.

Trust me, you're going to change
your mind when you see these eggs.

What?

Check it out.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Wow, huh?

They smell like horse shit.
Get them out of our house, now!

- I'll put them in thew fridge, they'll--
- Take them home with you

- I'm just gonna put them in the fridge.
- Ahh, don't--

Oh, great, now look, they're just
gonna stink up the whole house.

Oh, my God, no no, look!

Ah, look, they didn't break.

It's an eggs-mas miracle!

- There's no eggs-mas.
- Oh, this party is going to get awesome.

- And we're going to get hammered.
- I'd rather drink alone.

- Lindesy, Dr. Andre Nuzik.
- Hi

- Hi.
- Lindsey Martin, Ellie's first grade teacher.

So, Dr. Nuzik over here, is a
very succesful plastic surgeon.

And he also specializes in a very
specific... nee-ch... you talk about it.

Well, I am a... a doctor
who specializes in

- vaginal strengthening and conditioning.
- Oh, were you Jenny's trainer?

- No.
- Yes.

- Maybe a little.
- A lot. I mean she's flacked off now

I mean, yeah, now
I don't know what it's like,

but when we were working
together, it was... rock solid.

All right.

I mean, her kid came out big.

That is beside the point.

I think this is great that you guys
are sitting together at my table.

It's like, you know, vagina fate.

Lindsay just had a
baby ten months ago.

She has a little baby boy.

Oh my God.

Love of my life.

I don't know, maybe you should
set up a session with him.

He's great.

Oh, I would have loved to actually,
but I already have a doctor.

Really?

Who's your doctor?

I train with Stu Beagle.

Stu Beagle.

Have you heard of Stu Beagle?

Don't go into business with Stu
Beagle, that's what I always say.

Hmm.

Not somebody you would want
to open a wine bar with.

I'm speeding through his program.

Really?

So you have all your strength back?

Stronger than I have ever been, yeah.

That's so great.

He's fantastic.

Awesome.

So, you, um, you won't share
any of this with Pete, right?

Oh, with Pete? No.

Okay great. Well...
Thanks for coming.

Of course I'm not going to tell Pete.

Too fun to let him find that
out on his own... ca-cha!

Goddamn Stu Beagle.

I lost my shirt in that wine bar.

Hello?

Hi... Ellie.

Uncle Ruxin?

Are you an elf on the shelf?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm an elf on the shelf.

Just like Kegel?

Just like... Kegel.

Hey, where's the Christmas tree?

Okay, where are the presents, Ellie?

My daddy hid them.

But I know where they are.

Just tell me where the presents are.

I'm an elf.

I'm Santa's wartime consigliere.

How do I know you're not lying?

Do I look like a liar?

You look like a great,
big, dirty liar.

I think that might be anti-semitism, but
I'm willing to overlook it right now.

Look, I will make it worth your while.

What do you mean?

I mean I'll give you a
crap ton of presents.

What would you like?

A pony.

Done.

A family of wolves.

Easy-capeezie.

And, how about this?

A rose garden shaped like a puppy
that you can only see from

a private plane, that who's piloting?

Wuh-oh! Ellie is.

All right, you got me on that one.

All right.

So where did daddy keep the presents?

They're in the attic.

So you go grab them for me.

Here's the one I want.

It's red wrapping with a
green ribbon around it.

That's a jackpot one.

While you're up there, I'm
going to call my wolf guy.

Okay.

Hi-ya.

Good work.

You're a funny elf.

Yeah.

Kid's dumber than her parents.

I got it!

Mm, good work, Ellie.

Thank you.

Now I wonder if we can have a
real quick chat, elf-to-man.

Kegel and I have been talking.

and word on the street is

that you've been a little bit
of a dick recently.

Me?

Yeah. A real dick.

I don't want to be a dick.

Well, then maybe you should
just man up and behave.

I'll man up.

Okay.

Good talk.

Ellie?

Police! Hide!

No, give me the goddamn present.

You down here, honey?

What are you doing?

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

Aw!

Chicken-milk stink bomb!

I'm forever unclean!

How is it?

Oh, incredible.

It is? It's good?

You have nothing to worry about.

You are, mm. Yes.

Mm-hmm.

She's amazing.

Wow, she's amazing.

Mm, you like that?

I love that; Oh, my God.

You like that?

How about that?

Oh, it's good. Um...
It's good?

You know why?

I've been working out.

Yeah, you have been working out, yes.

I can tell.

You've got quite a grip.

You like that?

Yeah, it's...
Do you think I'm strong?

Yeah, you're strong.

You think I strong?

Oh, you're crushing it.

All right, yeah...
Oh, I'm crushing it?

You're crushing it.

I'm crushing it?

Miss Martin, you're crushing...!

Crushing?

You're crushing it!

I... crushed it!

Ow!

I did it; I won.

You won.

You took a dog and you
brought it to the top.

I am going to the Shiva bowl, and,
baby, you are coming with me.

- I'm so close I can taste it.
- You guys are so obsessed with who won

and who lost. I mean, I'm not into
Shiva bowl, but I'm actually enjoying

- the life bowl, right now.
- And you're losing at the life bowl as well.

- The jury is still out on that, my friend.
- Hello.

- Yeh, uh-huh.
- What is wrong with you?

- Hey, hop-along.
- Uh-huh, you happy?

Yes, I'm thrilled.

Yeah, this is what happens, you get
to win when you have a few hours

to set your lineup.

Unlike me, who spent the last
three hours in the hospital

- having his cock realigned.
- She dislocated your unit?

Yeah, remember that scene
from Leathal Weapon

where he throws his shoulder out
and he's slamming it against the wall

- to get it back in?
- Yeah.

This hurt a lot worse,
and I can assure you.

That goddamn yoked up vagina
that you sicked on me

- threw me around the bed like a rag doll.
- I thought that's what you wanted.

No, I wanted firm, not terminator.

You could still try and
lose like a gentelman.

- Oh, I'm sorry, if I could walk maybe I'll--
- It is decided.

- This is decided.
- This is low.

- Go to the Shiva!
- Low, even for you this is low.

How did the doctors even
find your tiny cock?

You know, they couldn't
even identify it.

It looked like a goddamn Joshua tree.

Pete, you lost.

You stink.

You stink, Ruxin.

We can smell you through the glass.

You literally stink.

I'm airing myself out.

We're good to go.

Let me in.

Go to a homeless shelter.

I can't go to a homeless shelter.

They don't have directv there!
Duh!

Come on, what's the score?

You're up by a point, but you have
no players left and I have Akers.

And Philly's within field goal range.

That's what's going on.

I'm going to the goddamn Shiva bowl!

d Eggs-mas is my favorite
time of the year. d

Great song, Taco.

Guys, in order to celebrate
the eggs-mas miracle that

happened in this very house only
a few days ago, I'm setting up

an egg nativity scene
on the front lawn.

It'll be open to the public
in just a few minutes.

Donations are very welcome.

All proceeds go towards my gas bill.

Hey, Taco.

Hey, Ruxin! Merry eggs-mas!

I need to talk to you,
you stupid fruit fly.

d Eggs-mas is my favorite
time of the year. d

Oh my God, they're lining up.

Don't call a time-out.

I hate when they call time-outs.

d Eggs instead of Jesus. d

Taco.

Ugh, what's that smell?

That is not eggs.

It's a chicken-milk stink bomb.

This is all your fault.

You and your stupid,
filthy stink eggs.

No, no, these eggs are holy.

Uh-uh.

A pox on you and a pox on
those filthy stink eggs.

Ruxin, he's lining up for the kick.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, eggs and Jesus and Santa and
Travolta's guy and, of course,

Shiva, please let him miss this
kick and let me win this game.

And please make him
stop stinking so much.

Hey, quit bogarting my prayer, man.

Okay, this is the
greatest day of my life.

I hope the day Ellie was
born was a close second.

Eh.

Let it happen.

Oh, God, we're one gimmie field goal
away from a all McArthur Shiva bowl.

Do not jinx him.

Jenny, there's no jinxing.

You got a top-five kicker for a 37
yarder with no wind and... silence!

Shh, here we go, snap is good,
go to the top, looks good.

- Posed.
- Posed?

Okay, I know you're upset right now,
but next week you're gonna be so relaxed.

- Shit!
- I won!

It's an eggs-mas miracle.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.

- Oh this miracle smells like poo.
- Shit!

- Did you lose?
- You shut your mouth.

Every year i set this league up,
every year, and I never win.

This was the year.

(Bleep)!

(Bleep), (Bleep), (Bleep)!

Bullshit!

I babysit you morons!

I babysit you!

"Oh, help me out.

Do this, move that guy around!

I don't know how
to set a lineup!"

(Bleep) You!

(Bleep) You, Taco!

(Bleep) You, Ruxin!

Stupid wise men!

Stupid eggs!

My eggs!

Stupid, stupid, stupid...
Daddy, stop!

Kegel's watching you.

He's going to report to Santa.

Look me in the eye, Ellie.

There is no Kegel.

And there is no Santa Claus and
there's no Christmas, there's no

God, there's no Easter bunny!

There's nothing, nothing, nothing,
nothing, nothing, nothing!

Nothing......
I gotta say, I feel like I just won twice.

This is a message for Pete, the
crown prince of douche-cockery.

I'm here to let you know that, this
week, I am going to obliterate you.

I am going to take my
metaphorical dick and I'm

going to shove it so far up
your metaphorical vagina.

And then I'm going to take a
go at your very real asshole.

I'm super-excited about it, so
have a great week, jackass.

Now we know where Ellie gets it from.

Frankly, I was surprised,
my money was on you.

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www.addicted.com

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