All language subtitles for The League s02e09 Expert Witness.eng

This is another one of the motions
we filed this morning.

We have to be careful.

Excuse me one sec.

- Taco?
- Hi.

I knew one day you'd get arrested.
What did you do?

- No, I came for the show.
- What show?

My favorite show is Judge O'Brien
and my cable's out, so...

I figured this will be the next best thing.

- Put the popcorn away.
- Ooh.

Are you a sassy judge or a brassy judge?

I'm not a judge, Taco,
I'm a lawyer.

Please don't do anything
that's gonna embarrass me.

- You know what, I'm missing out.
- You're missing nothing.

If it pleases the court, could you
go back just a little bit?

Young man, would you please
sit down and be quiet?

Is she guilty?
She looks guilty.

Sit down and be quiet.

Bailiff...

Ooh. Permission to approach
the bench, Your Honor?

Sit down.

Absolutely.

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RUXIN: Dude, I got a case
this week, super ugly woman.

Just total bowser.

Gets into a car accident, sues
the brake pad company, they pay

her for plastic surgery,
now she's super hot.

But on top of that, she's now
suing for emotional distress,

and I'm, like, "Excuse me.

"We just paid for you to get
super hot.

Why would we give you
more money on top of it?

Not a little overconfident there?

Mm-mmm. I'm gonna win it because
I have a secret weapon.

What is it?

The judge is totally into me.

You're flirting with a
judge to gain legal favor?

She's just my work flirt.
What?

Just a way to pass the time.

After I got married, I shut down
my flirt thrusters completely.

I can't do it anymore.

Dude, when you're married, you have
to keep a work flirt, all right?

It keeps the flirt muscles limber.

Otherwise, you tense up, you
could pop a hammy like Pete did

when he got divorced.

I went from married and sitting
to single and sprinting,

and I strained a testicle.

It's not good.
I never got plastic surgery.

Asian eyes.

We're not talking about
Asian eyes here.

We paid for her own personal
episode of The Swan.

ANDRE: You know, actually,
90% of women who get plastic

surgery lead better lives:

higher pay grades and
less divorce rates.

Are you for real?

Yeah, of course I'm for real.

Would you be willing
to testify about this?

What do you mean?

Would you be interested in testifying
for me as an expert witness?

Yeah! Oh, yes, I'm in!

I get to go up g on the stand ad
perform in front of all these people?

No, not really.

Oh, we're gonna go out to
lunch with my bro-bros!

Not bro-bros.

I know the best sausage
place downtown.

Is that Kowalkski's?
No, no, Mickey's.

Mickey's is terrible.
Mickey's is the best.

Trust me. I'm an expert.

You're an expert on the
Brazilian Butt Lift.

Tell you what.
It'll be my treat.

I'll bring all you guys down
there, have some sausage

at my place, and then we can
try Andre's shitty place

Mickey's and we'll compare.

That's not a, not a...
I gotta roll.

Good to see you, buddy.
All right, guys.

I'm out.
Bye.

This'll be fun.
What is that?

You steal my thunder?
I'm not stealing your thunder.

I merely escorted them to
a more interesting storm.

To be honest with you, Andre, there
wasn't much to steal to begin with.

Yeah.
Peyton Hillis is out this week.

I'm gonna pick me up some Mike Bell.

JENNY: Except for the fact
that I will be picking up Mike

Bell because I have number one
priority on the waiver wire.

But you don't need Mike Bell.
I know!

I need Mike Bell.
I know.

But...
What to do?

What if you didn't pick up Mike Bell?

Why wouldn't I pick him up?

Love.

Are you trying to collude with me?

Shh.
Don't put words in my mouth.

There's no colluding.

I'll say this.

If this was to occur, I would
give you some really good sex.

Really?

I'd be willing to do that.

I would try my best.

Do you not try your best now?

I will give you 100% for four minutes,
and then,

like 60% for the 5 minutes after.

And then after that
you're on your own.

You naughty little commissioner.
Yeah!

You know what you can do are all
of Ellie's thank-you notes.

Why doesn't Ellie do her
own thank-you notes?

'Cause Ellie doesn't need Mike Bell.

Excuse me.

Can I talk to you?

Are you that girl who
does all the drawings?

Yeah, I'm the courtroom artist.

Hey, I wasn't here yesterday.

Do you mind showing me what I missed?

Sure, yeah.

Let's see.

Whoa! I remember this guy.

He poisoned all those
kids with the yogurt.

Yeah. You are good.
(gasps)

Arturo was guilty?

I thought he was such a nice nice guy.

I guess he did drown
all those old people.

I should be, like, back here.

Oh, that might be you.

Well, well, well, it's Mr. Ruxin.

Call me "Rodney," Your Honor.

Who lets you walk around
here dressed like that?

Are you kidding me?
This is Brooks Brothers head to toe.

You know you're not in
The Great Gatsby, right?

You know you're not in a
Nancy Meyers movie, right?

(chuckles) You're such a dog.

Ruff-ruff.

I'll see you in court, Counselor.

Oh, hey, Russ man!

I don't know you here.

I've seen that guy around.

He's a dick.

All right guys, I need your help.

When I'm on the witness stand, what says
"expert witness" more, this or this?

I mean, this is a little bit
more "man of the people."

Who are the people that you are
supposedly a man of with that outfit?

My guess, it's a country entirely
populated by fans of Aerosmith.

So lose the vest?

Lose the whole thing.

You just want to look credible.

Have a seat on the witness stand and
let's just run one through, okay?

- Okay, I got this.
- Okay.

Why are you wearing glasses?

To look smart.

It makes you look like a guy
in To Catch a Predator.

Like one of those guys that
sticks his head in, he's,

like, "Oh, maybe not today."

Yeah, maybe not today.
I escaped. I'm the smart one.

Oh, good, so you look like
a crafty sexual predator.

Take the glasses off, please?

Let's start.

Can you please state your name
and occupation for the record?

Yes.
Yes, what?

What's your name?
Just say your name.

Say your name.
You have to just say it.

Yes. Dr. Andre Nozick.

Doctor of plastic surgery.

What are you doing?
What is that?

I'm addressing the jury.

I'm giving them double guns.

Don't ever address the
jury with double guns.

Holster the guns?

Don't holster the guns,
don't take the guns out.

All right.

Are you an expert in the
field of plastic surgery?

Depends.

No, it doesn't depend.

It sounds like bragging.
I don't wanna be bragging.

I'm asking the question!
Let's move on.

Have I seen your mother naked?

I don't know. What? No!

The answer is yes.
What?!

And I liked what I saw, and I want
that written down in the record.

And the defense would like to add
that he has seen her naked as well.

No, you haven't.
And she has a huge bush.

That's because she can't
shave down there.

She's got razor burn.
How would you know that?

(Kevin giggles)

What? What?
Why are you blinking now?

Because you got me all nervous.

Oh, great, my expert witness
blinks when he's nervous.

He's gonna be really
credible on the stand.

I'm very credible.
What is going on, you guys?

And why are you wearing those glasses?

You like 'em?

No, I don't.

Listen, sweetie, you were gonna
get on writing those thank-you

notes for Ellie's birthday party?

Yes. I left them over here, and I
will have them out by tomorrow.

Thank you. Andre, do not
wear those in the house.

They are going to creep Ellie out.

I would never want to do that.

I like Ellie.

Just stop.

She's such a pretty girl.

Stop. Thank you, sweetie.
I love you.

You're welcome.
Something ain't right here.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about collusion.

Why would you think I'm colluding?

Your wife asked you to do something,
and you did it on the first ask.

It takes my wife three asks
before I'll do something menial

like take the trash out.

And we have a loving marriage.

What are you getting at, Ruxin?

How did Mike Bell just
fall into your lap, Kevin?

Jenny didn't need Mike Bell.

Something don't smell
right here, Kevin.

Where are you going?
I'm going to go take a piss.

Bye, Columbo.

Ruxin, what are you doing?

Oh... I'm just digging
through your computers.

Why are you doing that?

Why are you and Kevin colluding?

Have you ever been diagnosed
with paranoid schizophrenia?

They brought me in for an
evaluation in middle school, but

I left before the psychiatrist
could give me his final diagnosis.

(whispers): 'Cause he
had it out for me.

No more questions, Your Honor.

What do we got here?
My laundry.

Yeah, it's pretty dirty.

Sad little man, no!

By the way, I need to trade badly, and
Taco's the best guy to trade with.

Taco will never trade with anyone.

He is impermeable.

Well, he has not come face to
face with Andre, the expert.

What, are you gonna lure him into your
bed and fondle the trade out of him?

If that's what it takes.

So good.

Could eat this whole thing.

Actually did eat one of these
whole things one time.

- What?
- You ate a whole Chefo's white load?

- White load was in my belly.
- No way.

When I was in residency, I
did this 24-hour shift.

Whole thing, ate it.

You ever try the stromboli?
The Holy Stromboli?

The Holy Stromboli.
I've tried; I shared it.

But have you ever eaten the whole thing?

It's five pounds of, like,
dough, meat and chee...

You can't physically have that.

I actually did it twice...
once while it was still hot.

I saw him.
Really, Tony Collusion?

Oh, stop.

You are a sad man to steal
my thunder like that.

Hello, boys.
Hey.

Why didn't you come
through the front door?

I don't use front anything.

Taco, you seem happy.

Because I just had a wonderful date, and
she's the courtroom artist from court.

Details, girlfriend.
Don't say that.

Don't do that.
Come on.

Check it out.
Ooh.

Yeah, this is me singing
to her in the park.

She really captures your inner hobo.
Whoa!

And then...
(Andre whistles)

...she left this
in my sketch pad.

This is a sex sketch.

You guys know what
that means, right? No.

I have to make a sexy sketch
myself and send it to her.

Oh, it's like pic for pic.

Yeah, but I'm not
really good at drawing.

Can any of you guys draw me?
No.

I'll do it. I'll draw you.
Awesome.

So you'll draw me naked?

What? Na... Why?
It's got to match.

It's got to be very sexual.
Quid pro quo.

Come on, I'll owe you.

Please.

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah, let's do this.

Now, should I be erect?

I think Andre would love that.

Oh, yeah, I'm having an open house.
Should I trim the lawn?

Maybe not trim, but you should
definitely shave the shaft.

Yeah?

Or better than that, Andre
will shave the shaft.

I'm not shaving shaft.

Andre, you shave shaft.

Yes, I've shaved shaft,
in a medical environment.

But you are technically
a shaft shaver.

Technically, yes.

How many shafts do you
think you've shaved?

I think that Kevin and
Jenny are colluding.

No.
Yes.

And they're gonna work together, and
it's gonna keep me out of the playoffs.

Just relax, okay?

And I know that Kevin
tells you everything.

Hey, I know her.

Yeah, don't change the subject on me.
No, no, no, no.

She used to work in the
same building as me.

Really nice girl, just
empirically unattractive.

Yeah.
How do you know her?

She's the brake pad girl.

That's craz... Whoa.
Who is that?

That's the brake
pad girl 2.0.

What do you...
That became that because of that.

That's pretty amazing.

You might actually have
a legitimate case here.

So you find her attractive, huh?

Would you mind hooking me up with her?

I think I can get th two of you
in a room together.

(opera music playing)

Andre?

Enter, Taco.

What are you wearing on your head?

It's a head massager.

I need my senses at an all-time high
for my expert testimony tomorrow.

You gonna wear that
while you sketch me?

(Andre chuckles)

That would be impossible.

Makes my eyes vibrate.

Oh, good, 'cause it's
kind of freaking me out.

Come, Taco.

Let our work together begin.

Are you ready?
I'm nervous.

Shh.

Disrobe.

Yes.

Very nice.

What should I do?
Shh!

Be still, my muse.

Let the artist work.

Does it look good?

Now we come to the issue of this.

Oh, my junk?

It's quite cold in here.

If you could imagine it in a warm,
humid environment, like a jumpsuit.

Mm.

- And I don't know if you noticed, but
it does have a slight, um... - Lilt.

Yeah.

And as you can see, the cold
has not reduced the bend.

I will capture it thusly.
Okay.

You know, it occurs to me,
Taco, that since I'm doing you

this favor, perhaps you could do me
a favor, in the form of a trade.

Yeah, okay, why not.

Okay, uh, great.

Um, I actually logged
into your account here.

How'd you know my password?

Your team name is Password Is Taco, so...

I thought my team name was
The Encino Men.

No.

Oh, look at this.

You have Ray Rice... he's all
right... and, oh,

I have David Akers, Philadelphia kicker.

Akers?
I don't want to give him up to you, but...

All right, so he'd make my team better?

Yeah, big-time.

Okay, yeah, let's do that.

How do you actually do that?

'Cause I never know how
to trade with people.

You could step back.
Just step back into the artist circle.

Is this my... what is this button?

Is this how you trade?

Um... And, okay, say I
want... Whoa, this is soft.

That's, like, a mock
turtleneck, right?

Uh-huh.
Let me just see a second.

It's machine washed, too.

Oh, you are tense.

You need to relax a little bit.
Loosen up your shoulders.

Yeah, I don't need that.
Relax.

I think I'm fine.
Hey, Andre, movie starts in about... Okay...

We're just making a trade.

- Excellent.
- See ya, Pete.

There you go, there you go.

Ruxin, hey.

- I'm having second thoughts about the vest.
- I told you not to wear the vest.

Ok, ***
cause I think this is the constitution.

Alright, it's not the constitution,
it's just French bullshit.

- But I'm thinking about tie...
- Get back there.

Okay, okay, wow.

- You're weird.
- ***

- Get out. Just stop it.
- Okay, okay.

- Sit down and shut up.
- Okay, okay.

Hey, Columbo.

Oh, Mike Bell had a big week, huh?
Did he?

I don't remember.
Hey.

Wait a minute, what
are you doing here?

Well, I work here.
No, not you, him.

I came to support my friends.

You came here to steal my thunder.

There is no thunder
to steal, all right?

You're paranoid.
Don't get in my head.

Don't get in my head.

You shouldn't eat Oreos so fast.

I'll be okay in an hour.

Have a nice day at work,
my little Mozart.

All rise.

Court is now in session.

The Honorable Judge
Humphrey presiding.

Please be seated.

Thank you so much for
being here today.

You're welcome.

And I think we all wish it was
under better circumstances.

But I would like to say that you,
uh, you look very beautiful.

Thank you.

Bet you hear that a lot now.

A fair amount.
Fair amount.

(chuckles)

More than you did, let's say,
a year and a half ago?

Gosh, it's hard to remember for sure.

Um, possibly.
Possibly.

It's unbelievable the transformation.

I think I'm gonna have to
rekindle this thing a little bit.

And, uh, you moved
into a new apartment?

Yes.

Are you paying more or less for
this new place than the old place?

Currently, I am not paying.

It's a recession special
for five months.

Wow.

You know, recession special for
me is usually when you buy two

hot dogs, you get a free grape drink.

But I'm just a simple man
with simple pleasures.

Um, I guess what we've been
dancing around, and I'll just

ask very directly is... would you
say that your life is markedly

better since you got in the accident?

I'll allow.

Please answer the question.

I was in a horrible accident.

And I am the victim of
much unwanted attention.

Okay, so what you're telling
these noble citizens of the jury

is that your life is more difficult
now because you're pretty?

Is that what you're saying?

- Not exactly... - I guess my final
question is, isn't your life much better

since the accident?

True or false... true.

No further questions.

Thank you for your time.

(judge growling)

Could you state your name
for the court, please?

My name is...
my name is Slim Shady... No.

- I mean... - Please just state
your name for the jury, please.

Andre, Andre Nozick.

Dr. Andre Nozick?

Okay.

And what is your profession?

I am a expert witness.

That's not your profession.

- I am a...
- Without the guns...

I am a plastic surgeon.

Put your hands away.

Don't holster them.
Don't holster them.

Would you mind taking a look
at the exhibits over there?

- You can see photos of the plaintiff...
- Okay, hold on a second.

Photos of the plaintiff before her car
accident and after her accident.

And how would you say
the plastic surgery is?

Uh, the surgery is excellent.

It's very natural.

And one would wonder what she
looked like as a little girl.

(chuckles)

I don't think we need
to wonder about that.

And you can take the glasses off; they're
making you look like a total idiot.

So you've written a number
of studies, isn't that true?

Uh, 90%... Oh... ...of women...
It's soupy. Look at him.

Why is he sweating like that?

...who are affected by plastic
surgery, are oftentimes

in better relationships...
So I have no further questions.

I'm done with this witness.

But I can... I can stay.
Please sit down.

The defense would like to call its
next witness... Mr. Pete Eckhart.

What?! No!
No!

Let's go.

What is going on?
Please step down, sir.

Hi there.
There's a thunderstorm brewing.

It's not your thunder.
I'm the expert. I am innocent.

And if it pleases the court, I
would like the last witness's

vest stricken from the record.

Good call.
Thank you.

Please state your name for the court.

My name's Pete Eckhart, and,
guys, I want to keep this short

and sweet because we've all
got better things to do.

No offense.
None taken.

All right, let's do this.

Mr. Eckhart, do you see the woman
sitting here in court today?

I do see her, yes.

Would you say that she's
objectively attractive?

I would say objectively
gorgeous and, as a man, I would

kill to have a date
with a woman like that.

I was the expert witness.

Well, he's doing really well.

Do you know this woman?

I do know her a bit.

We worked in the same
building for a while.

And she looked different
then, correct?

Yes, she did.
You, in fact, had a nickname for her?

Yes, I did.
What was her nickname?

Das Dinge.
Das Dinge?

Well, what does that mean?

It's German...
Mm-hmm.

...for "The Thing."

Oh, it's German for "The Thing."

(shrieks)

Well, thank you.

I have no further questions.
Excellent.

Actually, you know what, I
do have one last question.

Did Kevin McArthur collude with his wife Jenny

in Fantasy Football this
week to get Mike Bell?

- Objection, Your Honor.
- You can't object

Ask him about the hot Stromboli!

Doctor, I have warned you!
It's five pounds!

Order!
Answer me!

You are under oath!

Did Kevin get Mike Bell
through collusion?!

Of course he colluded.

How else would he have
gotten Mike Bell?

Oh, horseshit!

What are you talking about?!

He did it!
He ate the stromboli!

I swear to you!
Order in the court!

I will have you all thrown
in jail for contempt.

Counselor, your behavior here today
has been bizarre and reprehensible.

I want to see you in my chambers now.

Hi.
Das Dinge?

That was just a story I made
up to help out my friend.

You were under oath.
I can explain all this to you.

Would you have dinner with me?
Some drinks, maybe?

No.

Okay, well, I'm here, you're
here; think about it.

Really? What?
I was under oath.

What am I supposed to do?

Oh, shit.

(whispering): Taco.

I need to talk to you.
Come here.

No, no, just draw it.

Mr. Ruxin, those witnesses
were an embarrassment.

Most judges would hold you
in contempt for putting that

pedophile up there as
an expert witness.

But you're not one of
those judges, right?

Well, I've learned to be
patient with new dogs.

Okay.

Until they shit on the
carpet one too many times.

Now I want you to beg for my
forgiveness, you dirty dog.

Okay.

See, I thought what we
had was a work flirt.

Do we?

And, uh, I was very comfortable
in the reserves.

And you're being called
up to active duty.

I'm married.

Okay? So I'm not really capable of
doing more than what we were doing.

I could watch you flick it.

(judge scoffs)

I could tug one out, maybe, but...
Are you trying to plea bargain?

You know, I dressed like a...
(mouthed): You.

No.

Okay, so, no, um, I don't
want to get married.

Oh, thank God.
I-I am married.

Oh.
Yeah.

He's coming here... my husband.

Why would he want to meet me?

Who's been screwing my wife?!

(chuckles): Okay, sweetie.

Calm down. That's funny.
It's fine.

Who the hell is this?

They're just drawings, sweetie.
They just look like people.

That's this desk!
Maybe.

Who the hell is this?!

I'm not sure.

(door creaks)

Ooh, busted.
Hey.

You're a dead man.
Hey, buddy.

Hey, calm down. Listen, listen.

Big misunderstanding, okay?
Nothing happened.

Okay, we just had sex.

You son of a bitch!
Don't!

(gallery gasps, groans)

She's gonna need a lot
more plastic surgery.

Get in early on that.

Bad boy!
Bad dog!

Hi, Judge.
Hi, dog Ruxin.

What?
I got to hide.

Get back here, you little...
Out!

What the... (grunts)

(laughter)

Out!
Thank God.

Can you help me, please?

Almost there.
Slowing down a little bit.

Sure I can't get you a slice,
maybe an extra Bud Light?

Oh, please, no.

Guys, last bite, last bite.

Last bite.
It's coming.

Come on, come on.

You did it.
Good job, buddy.

Look right over there.
You see that?

You ate that whole thing.

That's floating around
in your tum-tum.

Just a meat, cheese and dough bus.

I don't know how you did that.
I-I could never have eaten the whole thing.

You said you ate it.

No, no, I was just
stealing your thunder.

(Andre groans)

I'm sorry, what's that?

(Andre retching loudly)

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