All language subtitles for Only Fools and Horses s07e03 Stage Fright.eng

- I don't believe it! When did this arrive?
- This morning.

Well, why didn't you let
me know sooner?

I couldn't get in touch with yer.
You've been out all morning.

I thought you
might have popped home for elevenses.

I've told you before, Unc?
Elevenses is for wimps.

I'm out there on that yuppy tightrope,
nerves on red alert.

A beta-blocker and a
dream, that's me.

I eat on the move, mobile phone in
one hand, a Pot Noodle in the other.

I tried to get you on your
mobile phone.

That's why Del ended up
with an earful of noodles.

Oh look, the boy from the
blackstuff's woken up!

Look, just 'cos I'm out of
work, there's no need to rub it in!

For all you know my recent misfortunes
could herald a watershed in my life

and I could go
on to greater things.

Oh yes! You've broken up
with your wife, walked out on your lovely home,

you resigned from a highly
paid job and pulled the chain on your career.

That's just the
springboard you need for the future, innit?

Something'll turn up.

That's what General Custer said! And something did
turn up! Another load of bloody Indians!

You should be giving Rodney
some encouragement.

I'm worried about him,
ain't I?

A few months ago, there he was
cash on the hip and a glowing future.

Now he's skint and the only thing about him
that's glowing is his liver!

What happened to that golden handshake
he got from the printing firm?

He kissed that all up against the wall, didn't he?
Blew it on Cuba libres and lairy suits.

I don't believe this git!

He has the audacity to sit here moralising with
me whilst holding a letter from the magistrates' court

saying his case has
been brought forward!

Everyone goes to court once in their life.

Once?
They've given you yer own parking space!

Don't change the
subject, Rodney!

I think what Del's trying to say is: for the last
month or so you've been living back at the flat.

In the past that was alright,
but now Raquel is pregnant.

Notices and all, innit?
See that lump? That's my embryo.

You see Rodney? See what I mean?
In a couple of months time, there'll be no space in the flat.

She's gonna be that big, is she?

What I mean is, we need that room of yours
for nursery.

So this is an ideal time for you to go
out and find yer own bachelor pad.

He's waiting for the
council to offer him something.

Oh, yeah? Well, we can have
a combined party then, can't we, eh?

Rodney's house-warming and
my son's 21st!

For your information, Derek, the council phoned
this morning with an offer of accommodation.

No! Really?

It's true, Del. I was
there when he got the call.

Well, that's terrific news.
Well done, bruv.

- They've offered me an LDA.
- An LDA! Well, that can't be bad, can it?

I'm viewing it this afternoon.

If you want any furniture...

Young Towser's doing a very nice
line in quality reject three-piece suites.

Could come in handy...
Del, can I ask you something?

- Of course you can.
- What's an LDA?

I don't know.

It's an abbreviation
for something.

I know it's an abbreviation
for something! But what?

L- D-A. Maybe it stands for
Luxury Detached Abode?

Yes! It could do.
I doubt it, but it could do, yeah.

Listen, I'll get us some more drinks,
alright?

Not for me. I'd better go home and change.
I'm meeting the council mush in an hour.

Good luck, bruv.

- Mike, be nice of you...
- Hang on a minute, Del.

- So you thought of a name yet?
- No! It's too early for that.

It's best to sort it out early.
Saves rows later.

- OK, Mike, could you give us...
- Hang on a minute, Del.

- So how's this gonna affect your career then?
- What career?

I thought you was an
actress and a singer and all that.

Yeah. Well, I think in my condition I'll put my
career on hold for a while. Like 15 years or so.

That reminds me. You know
the Down By The Riverside Club?

Yes. I'm thinking of going down there in a minute
and get a drink! Mike, when you're ready!

I've only got one pair of
hands, mate!

I remember the night my wife came home and she
told me she was two months pregnant.

- I was a cocktail waiter at the time.
- Ah! It's a moment you'll never forget.

That's right. I remember it especially, 'cos I'd just
come home from three months on a cruise ship.

Oh! Sorry.

Oh no, it was a nice
cruise. Do you wanna see the snaps?

A mate of mine from the
council's depot's singing there tonight.

What?

At the Down By The Riverside Club.
Tony Angelino.

- Who?
- Tony Angelino. That's his stage name.

Sounds terrific that, Trig. A few drinks, scampi
in a basket and the singing road-sweeper. Cushty.

He's not a road-sweeper!
He's on the dust.

Oh well!
That's the difference, innit? Sorry!

He sung there once before,
about six years ago.

Really?
He's back by popular demand then, is he?

Yeah. He's got a terrific voice. He's gonna be a big
star one day. Fancy coming down there tonight?

- What you hoping for then Del?
- The same again when you're ready - if I can get my order in!

- I'm talking about the baby.
- Oh. Why don't you say so, that is different.

It's gotta be a boy, ain't he?

- How do you know? It might be a girl.
- No, no. I know it's gonna be a boy.

Don't you forget, you can hold
a very nice wedding reception up above here.

Come on, let's sit down over there
sweetheart.

Have you told any of your
family about it?

- I've written to my parents.
- I was thinking more about your husband.

My solicitor's still trying
to trace his whereabouts.

We've been apart now for
seven years so divorce'll be no problem.

Well, when that comes
through we'll get hitched.

- Sorry?
- We'll tie the knot.

But I might not want to
marry you.

What do you mean, you might
not wanna marry me? Come on, don't be silly.

I'm not being silly! You
haven't even asked me.

I know that! Well you're...
You're in the old... you know.

Where I come from action speaks
louder than words.

Would you keep me in the
style that I've become accustomed to?

- Of course I would.
- Well, there's no way I'm marrying you then!

Come on Raquel!
We'll have a blinding future together.

Are we?

I can see it now. Everything's
beginning to slot into place.

I've got pots and plans
bubbling away.

I've got a meeting in half
an hour's with an old mate of mine

he runs one of these
dinner and dance clubs, you know.

I think he wants to buy them 300 packets
of crisps I've got in the garage.

He's playing our song... badly.
Everything is going well.

Gonna have a lovely future.
This time next year I'm gonna be a millionaire.

- Alright then, I accept.
- Good girl! You know it makes sense.

Maybe tomorrow we could go
out and buy an engagement ring?

No, I can't tomorrow, darling.
I'm in court.

How is it going, pal?

Talk about Marley's ghost!
Del Boy! You're looking prosperous.

Yeah, can't complain.
Well, I do, but no one listens.

I've heard good things about you, Del.
You're making your mark in the parish.

I'm pleased for you.
I like to hear about people doing well.

Last time I saw you,
you was really struggling.

You was driving round in some shitty
little three-wheeled van.

Those were the days, eh? Actually
I still got that three-wheeled van.

Nostalgia.
I use it just for bussiness.

What's yer main motor, now Delboy?
Some sort of sports coupe, is it?

Yeah, something like that.
How long ago was it since we last met? 5-6 years?

That long, is it?

- Just after we had that little misunderstanding.
- I don't remember that.

Yes you do. You said I'd done
you out of 500 quid.

Well, you did, didn't you?

No, no. I told you at the time.
It was just a misunderstanding.

Yeah, well. We'll best let
sleeping dogs lie, ain't we Del?

Yeah, that's it.
It's all in the past, innit, eh?

Well, I must say,
this is a very very nice place.

Yeah, it's doing some
business as well.

Cushty! Very pleased to hear it.

Anyway! What d'you wanna talk to me about?
You left a message for me on my answer-machine.

- I thought it was your uncle.
- Same thing.

That's good.
I could do a bit of this.

Got a bit of a problem, Del.

Tomorrow night the club's been booked
for a birthday party. Cabaret, all the exes.

I had a young singing duo booked in,
but they've let me down at the last minute.

I've phoned round all the
agents.

That's what I've been
offered so far.

Looks alright to me.

No good to me Del. I need a singer.
Someone who knows what they're doing.

Now I heard recently that you was
living with some bird

who used to do a bit of
nightclub singing.

Raquel? Yeah, she used to do some singing.
Mind you, she packed it in ages ago.

Would she fancy coming out
of retirement for one night?

No, she can't Eric.
She's three months pregnant.

It's hardly hod-carrying, Del.
She only gotta sing four or five songs.

She was telling me about this terrible nervous
tension she suffers from before she goes on stage.

I couldn't put her
through that.

It's a shame, Del. I've got a contract here
waiting to be signed by someone.

I'm sorry, I'd liked
to have helped you pal, but...

Raquel's given the business up. It's her life.
I can't go interfering with her wishes.

I'd have made it worth her while.
600 quid for one night's work ain't to be sneezed at.

She'll need a backing group!

What d'you mean you
promised him?

What could I do, sweetheart?
It's a mate in trouble.

I don't care who it is, Del!
I'm not doing it!

- Look, I gave him your word.
- Well, you had no right to!

But it's 300 quid, Raquel!

I don't care how much it is, Derek!
I'm not doing it!

Raquel,
Eric's in dead lumber.

He's gone through all the agents,
he even showed me the list he was offered.

He was offered 12 strippers, 18 blue comedians,
a speciality dog act and Lionel Blair.

So what's wrong with that?

Nothing's wrong with that, sweetheart.
It's just that Eric wants you!

But she's three months pregnant.

I know that, but I'm not asking her to do any belly-dancing,
or annything like that, am I?

Just to sing a couple of songs,
that's all.

Anyway, it doesn't notice, does it?
Turn round for us, sweetheart.

There you are, you see? Look at that.
You've got a lovely figure and a beautiful voice.

And that is a gift, and that should be shared
with the world.

Or a bunch of drunks in the Starlite Rooms!
Del, I've never sung in a real nightclub before!

Yes you have. What about that poster you showed us
when you was top of the bill

with Otis Redding at the Talk of the Town,
London.

It was Laurie London
at the Talk of the Town, Reading.

Well, same thing, innit?

No, it is not! That was the one and only time I've
ever appeared alone on stage. It was a nightmare.

I forgot the words, I forgot the tune,
it was just a nightmare!

People actually cheered when they
announced last orders.

The only other time I've been
on stage has been in a double act.

I was with the magician, the Great
Ramondo. I was in that duo, Double Cream.

See, I don't mind that. There's someone
there to support you.

- Someone there to share the blame.
- Well, I'll get someone to sing along with ya!

It's not as simple as that!

You've got to get to know each other,
rehearse,

find out whether we can harmonise
and whether we're even compatible.

- We'll do all that and all!
- When's the show?

- Tomorrow night.
- Tomorrow night? It's impossible!

Look Raquel, I've got the contract,
I've signed it. Look, there you are.

Guaranteeing I will supply the cabaret.
Thet is document. It's legal and binding.

The Trotter International
Star Agency!

Yeah, that's me. I've diversified.

Why did you sign a contract
before you'd even spoken to me?

Because I never thought that you
would let me down. Rodney, probably.

Him, like a shot.
But you? Never.

But still, never mind.
It's the story of my life, really.

My old man let me down, when he walked
out and left me to fend for meself.

Then me mum died, that weren't her fault,
but I felt that she'd let me down.

Funny the things that go through yer mind
when you're 16 and you're just all alone.

I think that's why I've always been
straight and up front with people.

Because I hate the
thought of them having the feelings that I did.

It says here they're paying
you 600 quid!

- You mouthy git!
- You said 300.

I know I said 300. And isn't it obvious
why I said that?

I said that because... because...

...I knew that if Raquel thought
she was earning 600 pounds for the show...

...that would make her even more nervous
than she is now.

So I decided to take the sting out of it,
soften the edges, relieve the pressure,

by telling her it was only worth 300 quid.

Thank you.

- That means you'll do it for me, sweetheart?
- But who will I be singing with?

Don't you worry about that.
I won't put you wrong. You trust me.

We'll go through all my LPs,
and make a list of classic hits for you to sing.

But these songs have gotta have musical
arrangements. We need a pianist.

Well, that's no problem, is it?
Albert!

Yes, Del?

Go and fetch the Yellow Pages,
we'll find a musician.

- Alright?
- I'll think about it, Del.

Cushty!

I'm only thinking about it,
Del! No promises.

But in the meantime
why don't you have a little practice, with your voice.

Get it back in trim, just in case.

Yeah. Alright, just in case.
I'm gonna make some coffee. Anyone else?

- I'll have one, dear.
- I'll have one sweetheart, thank you.

She's gonna knock 'em
bandy, Albert.

Do you know the way to San Jose,
I've been away so long I may go wrong and use my way.

She got a voice like an angel.

Raquel. Sing up, darling, come on,
don't be shy.

Lovely Jubbly!

Raquel's singing in the
Starlite Rooms.

Yeah? Her voice don't half
travel, don't it?

I mean, she's in the
kitch... What's up with you?

I've just been to view
the council's offer of accommodation.

And you were right, LDA does not stand
for Luxury Detached Abode.

I had a feeling.

LDA stands for Low Demand
Accommodation.

What's that, then?

It's a place where no one
else wants to live!

What they like?

They're like this!

You saucy git!

This place... I'll have you know that...

Raquel, turn the noise down,
will ya!

We can't hear ourselves
a thing out here!

You should have seen this place they offered me.
It looked like a time-share apartment on Albert Square.

- Did you take it?
- Of course I didn't!

Well, you've gotta find a
place of your own soon, Rodney.

A few months from now
she'll be dropping a kiddie.

Yes, I know! But at the
moment the council's my only hope.

I'm out of work and got no money coming in,
what am I supposed to do?

I don't wish to sound brutal, Rodney,
but why don't you get another job?

It's not that funny,
Albert!

With my history the only chance
I've got of getting future employment

is to go out and get me own
window-cleaning round.

I'm sorry, I don't understand. You left your
previous employment of your own accord.

You weren't sacked, you resigned.
So where's the problem?

It's not as easy as that,
Raquel.

Is it, Derek?

You see, Raquel, the only real job that Rodney's had
since he left school,

was that job he had with Cassandra's dad.

The one resigned from.

I thought prior to that he was a partner in
Trotters Independent Traders.

Yes, he was. And very sorely
missed when he left.

But you see, Trotters Independent Traders
was never what you call pukka business.

We never actually registered
with Company House.

and sort of keep down the
old paper work and that.

... and income tax and VAT.

So since he was 16 when Rodney left school,
the only job he ever had was when he was 26.

So the only time he turned up on
the government's computers...

was when he got that suspended sentence for
possession of cannabis.

And you don't fancy window
- cleaning?

No. I don't like heights.

Couldn't you specialise in bungalows?

Why don't you shut up, Albert!

Alan's bound to give
Rodney a glowing reference.

We know that, sweetheart.

But where's he gonna say he's been
for the last 10 years? In the toilet?

No, it's a great picky, Rodney.
You can't get a job doing something you like.

Like, sort of music.
Cause you're interested in music, aren't you?

- Even if it was a part-time job?
- Yeah, that'd do.

Something like a road manager,
or something?

Where am I gonna get something like that?

You never know your luck, Rodney.
You never know your luck.

He's bloody good, ain't he?

Good! He's bloody awful!

You don't know what you're
talking about, bruv. Look at all these old dears.

They'll be throwing their
corsets on the stage in a minute.

Look, they love him.

Give us a non alcoholic lager top,
and a special for me.

If I can just get Raquel and Tony together
I'll be on a right winner.

- Del, she's pregnant!
- Only just a little bit!

You're just exploiting her, ain't yer?

No. Au cauntraire Rodney,
au contraire.

She's gonna be earning out of this,
and earning well!

We've all gotta earn a bit
to bring a little bit of money into the flat.

I reckon it's all wrong.

It's got nothing to do with
you, is it Rodney?

You are just my road manager
and part-time at that!

I've explained your duties -
you just drive 'em to rehearsals,

make sure they get tea and sandwiches
and sweep up afterwards.

Am I allowed to voice an opinion or repertoire,
presentation, arrangement, interpretation?

Right. I will do exactly what you say.
And no bloody more!

That is the last word you will hear
from me on the subject.

Good.

It's old-fashioned.
Who�s' gonna pay money to watch this?

Well, they have, for a start.

You think that popular
music is all about the top 10.

Well, it's not you know.
Cause 80 per cent of the people in this country

they listen to what is known as
middle of the road music.

That means, they listen to the gaff like this.

When you take that Roger Whitaker
and that John Denver

they never appear on Top Of The Pops, but they
sell millions and milions of records,

and that is bunce, Rodney, that is serious bunce.
And this is my chanceto get where the action is.

I can see it now. Raquel and Tony.
They could be the new... the new Carpenters.

Or plumbers, or brickies.

- Sonny and Cher.
- Chas and Dave.

- Renee and Renato.
- Mills and Boon.

You got that contract?
Where is that contract?

I don't know if it's all
legal. I ain't been trained in that sorta thing.

You've got two GCEs,
that is good enough for me.

Yes, lots of 'forthwiths and 'hereafters'.
Lovely Jubbly.

Thank you. Thank you so much.
You've been a wonderful audience.

Ladies and gentlemen - Tony Angelino.

He'll never sign that contract!

He'll sign it, Rodney, don't you worry.
Tony, wonderful performance.

Thanks.

Would you mind?
Would you, please?

- Easier than you thought, weren't it Rodney?
- I don't believe you did that!

He who dares, Rodney.
He who dares.

Tony, listen.

I've got a bit of business to discuss with you, son.
I've got some bookings for you. Are you interested?

Yeah? Come in ere.
We can talk about it while I'm getting changed.

Tony, can I have your autograph?

I'll be out in a minute, honey.
Out in a minute.

Chicks!

What is it, a hen-party?

No. It's the local WI.

Still, got to keep them happy.
You know what I mean?

My name's Derek Trotter of
the Derek Trotter International Stars Agency, Peckham.

You can call me Del.

- This is my roadie, Rodney.
- What's this all about, Del?

I am putting together a
middle-of-the-road duo.

You and a very talented young
singer by the name of Raquel Turner.

I've already a confirmed booking at the Starlite Rooms
with an option on a long-term c...

...long term contract
if you're good enough.

You're kidding me?
The Starlite, eh?

I don't get many bookings.

Have you got a manager, Tony?

Well, you have now, son. Me.

I can't understand how someone with your talent
hasn't been snapped up already. Can you, Rodney?

- Well if he...
- There you are, he's as mystified as I am!

Noone told you anything
about me, then?

No. Is there something I
should know?

No, no.

When's this booking Del?

Tomorrow night.

I know that you and Raquel
have got an awful lot of work to do

rehearsing, getting your
repertoire together and what 'ave yer.

But I've got faith in you.
Cause you're a pro and so is she.

And I'm offering you 100
pound for tomorrow night.

The most I've ever
been paid is 50 quid.

Well, you're in the big time now,
ain't ya?

You'll be rehearsing first
thing tomorrow morning.

I've booked a room at the Jesse
Jackson Memorial Hall!

I'm gonna give Rodney, your road manager,
a list of classic hits I want you to rehearse.

No, no. There are only a
few songs I can sing, Del.

And that's why you don't get
any bookings.

No, it's not that! It's
because I...

- Because of what?
- Nothing.

I know what your problem is son.
You can't accept a challenge. That's what it is.

But you've got me behind you now.
All you got to do is trust me.

And I'll be straight down the line with you.
No secrets, no small print.

All you've gotta do is trust me, Tony.
You do you trust me, Tony, don't you?

- Yeah. OK, Del.
- Good boy. You know it makes sense.

- Will you be at the hall in the morning?
- No, he's in court tomorrow.

Yes, I'm there as a witness for something.

You want me to sign that?

No, you've already signed it, look.

Lovely Jubbly.

I can't believe that was
the same bloke.

They're all just costume props.
They all wear 'em.

You don't think Mr Spock's
ears are his own, do you?

I've found him.
I've found your singing partner.

- He's terrific, ain't he, Rodney?
- Yeah.

You gotta see him to
believe him, haven't you, Rodney?

He's terrific. He's got this great voice,
wonderful stage presence and oodles of charisma.

This boy is gonna be a star.
And not just local, I mean he's gonna be international.

Where d'you learn about him?

He works forTrigger down
the council depot.

Is that true?

- Sean Connery, he worked on the dust.
- And is he like Sean Connery?

Well, he wears a wig. Let me get another lot of drinks.
Rodney, you give me a hand.

Del Boy! I hear you're in
court tomorrow.

Don't do a lot for your
yuppy image, does it?

I don�t know. It's very trendy nowadays.
All the Big Bang boys have done a bit of stir.

It's very fashionable in the City.
Computer fraud, insider dealings, stock manipulation.

What you up for, Del?

Fly-pitching. 50 quid fine
and a slap on the wrist.

It's an occupational hazard when you're
upwardly mobile.

I hear Raquel's up the spout?

Thank you very much, Boycie.
Mike can we have a round of drinks please...

- ...and whatever poison he wants.
- Crystal, give us a round here, love.

Of course, it ain't easy
being a father.

No, it must have been difficult for you
with all them test tubes and what have you.

I am not talking about
that, Derek!

I mean looking after your child's welfare,
planning for his future...

Have you thought
about all that?

Don't you worry about my kid Boycie,
it'll be alright.

Then there's the pregnancy itself.
That can be nine months of pure hell.

Knowing your missus Mike
I can believe it.

Of course I was lucky.
Marlene gave birth after only eight months.

Yeah, well they say it's
quicker by tube...

We've just come back from The Riverside Club.
We saw Trigger's mate there singing.

He's terrific, ain't he, Rodney?

Perhaps Trig could
recommend him to Eric.

Eric? What, from the Starlite Rooms?

Yeah, the one who don't like you.
Something about 500 quid.

That all in the past.

But that man holds a grudge.

Anyway, he's got 24 hours
to fill a cabaret spot for tomorrow night.

He'll never do it. I mean,
the word's out now.

He's gotta do something. I've heard
Eugene Macarthy's very much looking forward to it.

Who's Eugene Macarthy?

A local villain and not a very nice man. Rumour has
it that the SAS pays Eugene protection money.

But what the hell's Eugene
gotta do with all this?

- Didn't you hear?
- What?

Eugene owns the Starlite Rooms.

No, no. It's Eric.
Eric owns the Starlite Rooms

Eugene bought him out
three months ago.

Yes, there was no boardroom negotiations,
no offer and counter-offer.

Eugene gave Eric two choices:
Take it or I'll nail you to the door.

Eric - realising that he was dealing with a man who
puts out death sentences on Muslims - took it.

Anyway, tomorrow night is
Eugene's mum's 82nd birthday.

So he's having a party down at the Starlite Rooms
for her and all the nasties.

Eric's down there at the Starlite Rooms,
ain't he?

Eric is only the manager now though Del.

And part of Eric's
managerial duties is booking the cabaret.

But every time he books the cabaret
Eugene doesn't like,

he probably gets nailed
to the nearest door.

So he came up with a
brilliant solution.

He started employing the
services of local entertainment agencies,

so if Eugene gets displeased
he takes his wrath out on the agents.

The agents all held a meeting at the local
convalescent home

and decided to boycott the
Starlite Rooms.

So unless Eric finds a mug
to supply the cabaret for Eugene's mum's party,

B&Q will be selling another door.

- We're in a bit of bother here, bruv.
- Yeah... We?

We've signed a contract
guaranteeing the cabaret!

I've signed nothing!
I sweep up and I make the tea.

I've been thinking about that. And I think you ought
to have a more creative import in this little project.

And I've been thinking and all,
and I don't wanna more creative input.

You just gimme the broom,
the teapot and the 50 quid and I'm happy!

- Thank you very much, Rodney.
- It's my pleasure, Derek!

Come in.

Is Del here yet?

I phoned the flat but
there's no reply. Perhaps he's still in court.

- But it's nine o'clock!
- Maybe the jury's still out.

Don't be stupid, Rodney!
He's only been charged with unlicensed trading!

Well, he's ain't here.

- I can't go through with this.
- Why not?

What do you mean, why not?
You were at rehearsals this morning.

You know what happened!
Tony's got a problem.

They might not notice.

Of course they'll notice!
How can they not notice?

You've gotta go through with this for Del's sake!
Eugene Macarthy has sat out there with his mum!

Who's Eugene Macarthy?

He's not nice people.

Well, you go and tell Eugene Macarthy
and his mum that the cabaret's off!

Me? I'm just the roadie! Sweep up
and make the tea, that was my instructions.

D'you fancy a cup of tea?

No, I don't!

- D'you want anything swept up?
- No.

Well, that's me finished here.

- Gordon Bennett.
- Where the bloody hell have you been?

Where have I been?
They've put my case on last.

Then there was a 65 quid fine,
I realized I'd left me wallet at home.

So I phoned up Sinbad and what does he do?
He only gets on the bleeding bus!

There I am, banged up in the cells,

and Sinbad is trying to fight his way
through the Friday afternoon traffic in a bloody bus!

Will you shut up for one
minute? We have got problems!

Problems? What sorta
problems?

Hello Eugene!
Very very nice to see you.

Eric informs me that you're
supplying tonight's cabaret?

I hope it's good, Del. It's my old mum's birthday
and I don't wanna see her disappointed.

Of course not, Eugene. It's gonna be the best,
nothing but the very best.

Would I do anything less
for your dear mother?

Let me introduce my brother...

I'm just the road manager.
I just sweep up, make the tea...

and I've got nothing to do with the artistic contents
or anything like that.

Well, here's to a good evening.

Yes. Thank you Eugene. Enjoy yourself.
You sit back and enjoy.

Welcome to the cabaret hour!

Before I introduce our star guests this evening,

I just have to say happy birthday,
Mrs Macarthy - Eugene's mum.

Happy birthday, Lil.

We're proud to present two young British stars
whose names may not be familiar to you.

However, if you was a resident of a certain town
in Nevada, USA,

their names
would be on the tips of your tongues.

For they have just finished a sell-out season
with Barry Manilow

at the Desert Inn,
Las Vegas!

Where did he get all that
crap from?

What a stupid question.

...they have chosen the Starlite Rooms,
in Peckham.

So a warm welcome please for
Raquel and Tony.

I was alright for a while.
I could smile for a while.

But when I saw you last night,
You held my hand so tight,

As you stopped to say hello,
And though you wished me well,

You couldn't tell,
That I'd been cry...ing, over you,

Cry...ing, over you,

Then you said so long,
Left me standing all alone,

Alone and crying... crying
... crying... crying.

- She's bloody good, ain't she, Rodney?
- Cosmic!

I though that I was over you,
But tell me now, what can I do?

I love you even more, than I did before,
So, dah'ling, what can I do...oo?

You don't love me,
And I'll always be,

Cwy...ing, over you...

Yes, now you are gone,
And fwom this moment on, I'll be cwying.

- Crying.
- Cwying.

What d'you reckon, then?

I'll see you later.

So how comes you didn't
know he had trouble with his Rs?

'cause he never told me!

All he said was he only
enjoyed singing certain songs.

Can see what he meant now.
He only sings songs without Rs in 'em!

So he chose the songs for tonight?

I didn't know, did I?
God knows what Eugene and his mum's gonna say.

I never did like that front
door anyway.

You bastard!
You just walked out and left us!

Well, what else could I do?
I couldn't go over to Eugene's table and say,

"That was alright, different weren't it?"
Did you finish the performance?

Oh yes, Derek, we saw it
through to the death.

Please Welease Me, Congwatulations and
The Gween Gween Gwass of Home.

And that was followed by a medley
of wock 'n' woll!

That is not funny, Wodney - Rodney!

I thought it was hilarious!

I ain't laughed so much since he caught his beard
in the food mixer.

If that's Eugene,
tell him I've gone to get the hammer and nails!

Who's there?

Can I speak to Mr Twotter?

It's Tony. Let him in.

I've come for my money!

Not now son. I'm up to my eyes in it.
Come back tomorrow.

No, not tomowow. I want my
money now! I did the performance, didn't I?

I did the wepertoire that
you... you insisted on.

But I didn't know you
couldn't pronounce your Rs!

What does that matter?

Matters quite a lot when
you're singing songs with Rs in!

But I don't sing songs with Rs in! And if a song has
got an R in it I change the lywics!

Well, why didn't you change
the lywics tonight?

How can I change the lyrics to Cwying?
The bloody song's called Cwying!

Tony and I did everything you asked us to do, Del,
so pay the man his money.

And while you're at it, you owe
me money as well.

Alright sweetheart,
we'll talk about it tomorrow.

Listen, Trotter, you're not
cheating me!

It's alright for me to
be cheated though, innit?

Who's cheated you?

Him. He's cheating me.
You know what he did?

He charged me �1.40
for bus fares!

It was only when I was putting
me dickie bow on, that I realized he's got a bus pass!

And I don't suppose the Starlite Rooms
is gonna pay me anything after tonight's disaster!

I'm gonna be well out of pocket!

We signed a contwact!

But my brother drew up that contract
and he put in a get-out claus, didn't you, Rodney?

- No.
- Why didn't you?

'Cos you didn't tell me to.
I ain't a lawyer.

I sweep up and make the tea, you remember?
And you owe me 50 quid!

We'll talk about this
tomorrow!

Anything you say, Rodney.

You know what you've got, don't ya, Dewek?
An 'ism'.

An 'ism'? I ain't got an 'ism', have I Rodney?

Well, there's a lot of
crap in the garage.

You're not alone in your pwejudice.
We've got sexism, wacecism, higheism and ageism.

Well, I'm a victim of pwonunciationism!
I've got a good voice! I've got a good style.

I've got a perfect tone. Just because I pwonouce my Rs
differently from the west of you

I can never be a star! Just because of my
pwonunciation you've dumped me!

What about me? I got lumbered with a 'star'

whose props come from Lilley & Skinner's
Crown Toppers and Mattesons!

But you can always find another singer.
I'm stuck with my pwoblem.

No one who pwonounces Rs like I do
have ever become successful.

There's Roy Jenkins and
Jonathan Ross.

Exactly...

Doesn't matter...

- See you, Del.
- Take care, son.

- Waquel.
- Bye, Tony.

- Wodney.
- See you Tony.

Well, don't you two look at me like that!
I didn't invent pronunciationism!

It's them out there,
the public!

If I had my way, I think everyone should be allowed to say
what they like and how they wanna say it. It's a free country.

Del's right. It ain't his fault.

Thank you, Unc. Help yourself to a brandy.

Hello?
Trotters Independence Tra...

Hello Eugene!

You discovered that then,
did ya?

Funny enough, I was just having a word about that
with my road manager here...

Did she? Well, I can't say I blame
her...

How is she now? Good...

That's alright then, Eugene.
I'll be round first thing in the morning...

Bonjour.

D'you wanna hide
a pair of pliers in your pocket?

He wants to sign you and
Tony up for a five-week contract!

His mum liked you.

- You're kidding?
- No, straight up.

She reckoned it was the funniest thing
she'd ever seen in her life!

Just a minute!
I've got some more bookings for you!

Stick with me, son,
I'll make you wich!

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