All language subtitles for Only Fools and Horses s02e06.eng

- Poxy weather!
- Yeah.

Wish I was chairman of Pac-a-Mac!

Hmm! Oh, by the way, a
Father's Day card arrived for you this morning.

Is it Father's Day? It's a pity we don't know where Dad's
living - we could send him a letter bomb!

Er, Father's Day card?
Hang about I'm not married!

Oh no! I wonder what that
could mean then?

Well, I know what it could mean...it means!
Oh no, no, no, she told me - she definitely...

You dozy little git! You nearly gave my heart a
connery then. Cor dear.

Well, I just wanted to liven us up a bit didn't I.

I mean, for the past four days we've
been hanging around in pubs and cafes

waiting for this rain to leave off. 'It's just
a summer shower Rodney' you said.

'Red sky at night and swallows flying backwards,
that's a sure sign of a heat wave Rodney' you said.

Alright - alright, don't go on about it! Where d'you think
I work, the metaphorical office or somewhere?

No, it'll soon be over. Don't worry.
Who's that on there? You is it?

No it's you.

- Anyway, what d'you want to drink?
- I'd better have just 'alf a lager.

Yeah, well, the way business
has been going this week I think I'd better join you.

- Hello - how's it going Alex?
- Hello Del. Want a drink?

Oh well, go on then, I'll, um,
have half a lager.

Half a lager.

Yeah, and I'll have a large Drambuie with lime
- with er - topped up with soda, lots of ice,

slice of lemon and a
little cherry on the top.

Two halves of lager, luv. Done
much today?

What in this weather, you must be joking.
I wouldn't send a dog out in this, would you?

No, I'll send Rodney out later on. See what he can do.
What are you doing?

Have you still
got that travel agent's?

Yeah, it's not doing me no favours though!
I thought I'd clean up on that World Cup

but I couldn't get no bookings.

Honest Del, I've got thousands of pounds worth
of holidays just laying about. But everybody's skint.

I tell you, this recession's going to be
the end of me!

Well you want to cut down on
your prices then don't you, Alex, me old mate.

I'd lose money!

No way - you'd have some coming in wouldn't you?

I mean, I'd rather lose a thre'penny
bit than a fiver, wouldn't you?

Well that's true, yeah.

I mean, listen, I don't care what the papers say,
there's still plenty money about.

You know - if you know where to get it.

I mean, you want to find some way of
hooking the punters.

You know, you - you
want - you know, a bit of a gimmick.

Such as?

Ah? Well. You put it round the manor, right,
that the very next customer in your shop

is going to get the biggest cutprice 'oliday
in the history of travel.

No - no - listen and I mean really
cheap Alex right.

I mean something like anywhere in the world and
you'll knock off 80 per cent of the price.

80 per cent, leave off.

Eh, no 80 per cent, now listen - listen.
But only to the very next customer right.

So that they'll be doing see - they'll
be fighting each other to get in your shop.

Now once they're in there you sell the rest of them
their holidays at the - the normal price don't you.

Eh? This time next
year you'll be a millionaire.

D'you know that's not a bad idea Del.
Come to think of it, it's a belting idea!

I tell you that's what I'm gonna do,
exactly what you told me.

Thanks for the advice, mate.

That's alright, don't mention
it pal. I'll see yer around alright?

Right.

- Fancy an 'oliday?
- We can't afford an 'oliday.

Yes we can. Alex, special
offer, anywhere in the world - 80 per cent off.

He'll go bust!

Yeah I know he will - I know - that's what I told him
but he wouldn't listen, you know what he's like...

Ah, what about it then Rodney, eh? Me and you,
eh? What up into the wide blue yonder.

Yeah, get a bit of the
currant bun on our backs, eh?

Oh yeah, I'll have some of
that Del, yeah!

You go down the road and knock out a bit of that
gear and I'll do the old bizzo with Alex. Right?

Yeah right!

Oi, wait a minute!
It's peeing down out there!

Yeah well - you want some
spending money for yer duty frees don't yer?

Well yeah, oh I'm never gonna
be able to sell this stuff.

Of course you are my son.
Remember me motto. He who dares wins!

Yeah right! See you later.

See you later good boy.
Here, Alex. Abut that offer!

Genuine Italian sun hats. Made
in Roma!

- I could die you know!
- More than likely!

I mean, fancy sending me out
in weather like that.

Been raining has it?

Been raining? Why don't you stick your nose out
of that door once every so often, eh?

It's been raining non-stop
for four days!

I've done it Rodney - done it.
I've booked our holiday. Here you are, my boy.

That's it - there it is all in there.

We're going somewhere
different, we are away from the tourists.

Yeah - where?

Benidorm! It'll be fantastic Rodney, we'll have
a great time won't we - eh?

All that blue sea, the sunshine, dancing with all them
foreign sorts! You know Viva Espania.

Yeah! That's what it's all
about innit?

When do we go Del?

Eh? Er, in three weeks' time Grandad.
It's goodbye Luton airport, hello Benidorm...

Um, yeah, well the thing is
Grandad...

I've always wanted to go to
Benidorm. Where is it?

It's in Spain, ain't it.

Spain? I've been to Spain
before!

Oh, oh, well you wouldn't wanna go again then, would
you, it'll be the same old thing!

I ain't never been to
Benidorm! It'll make a nice break.

Yeah! Yeah, the thing is Grandad –
I tell you what, um, er, well look,

why don't you go out in the kitchen, you
know, and knock us up a nice Spanish omelette –

you know,
help us get in the mood.

Oh! I've only got three eggs left and one
of them's on the turn. Still, if I put a lot of pepper in.

Great - triffic.

Are you gonna tell him?

Oh Rodney, how can I tell him,
look at him, he's got his heart set on it ain't he?

We can't take him with us Del,
he'll cramp our style won't he?

I mean you could bring a
bird back to the room,

go to pour her a Sangria or something
and find his false teeth in the glass.

Yeah, that would upset the romantic ambience somewhat,
wouldn't it? Well, what we gonna tell him then?

Er, say the food won't agree
with him!

No that won't work, you know
him, he's got a stomach like a rubbish skip!

Er, the change of climate!

Now the last holiday we had the change of climate
upset him didn't it and we'd only gone to Bangor!

Good one! Like it. No, I can't
Rodney. No look it's gonna break his heart.

Alright, Del, well if you
can't tell him, then I will!

Alright. Just a minute - just now.

If you're going to tell him now, do it gently will
you. You know - I mean - he's family.

- You just - just leave it to me Del.
- Alright, good boy Rodney.

Er, Grandad, could I have a
word?

Oh Alex? Hello it's Del Boy. Look about
that holiday I booked with you this morning?

Yeah - listen - um, d'you reckon the hotel
could put another bed in our room?

Only Grandad's coming.
Oh nice one Alex.

Right, yeah I'll pop that kite round to you in the
morning. Alright, see you around pal.

Well?

Oh, look, couldn't the hotel
put another bed in our room?

Eh no, Del, I couldn't have
told him, it'd broken his heart!

You're just like the man at
the top you are ain't yer, you're utterly ruthless!

- I can be when I want to!
- Oh yeah.

I can - I've just this minute told Grandad
I don't like Spanish omelettes!

Oh yeah - I mean - that's
really being ruthless that is innit, eh?

I also told him that you love
'em, so you've got two!

You...

Careful Del, there's a bowl
down there...

Now then what do you want...

Oh God!

- 'Ere, hang about. Oi girls.
- Wendy it's alright he's asleep.

Now come on, listen...

'Ey, watch it.

There you go Del.

Oh, cheers, this is the life, eh Rodders? When we
become millionaires we'll move out - get a villa...

Get Grandad one of them little old folks'
homes that they have out here.

What old folks homes they have
out here?

You know, we saw 'em in the
holiday brochure. What d'they call 'em? Pensions!

Grandad I got yer lager! Grandad!

Yoohoo. Grandad, Rodney has a
lager!

You oughta act yer age a bit
more. That could have blinded me!

Come here.

I don't want nuffink to drink.
I'm going back to the hotel to have a fiesta.

Hey, d'you reckon he's alright? He's been acting all
edgy and nervous ever since we got here.

Maybe it's all that squid he ate...
The grub in the hotel ain't up to much is it, eh?

Oh you can say that again!
Here about that soup last night!

Called it oxtail - it's more like
foxtail weren't it, eh?

You don't reckon he's sickening
for anything do you?

No! It's probably just the heat, he's not as
young as he used to be is he.

'Ere Rodney, put some of that oil on me
back will you.

Oh Del I'm sorry. Sorry
I thought it was oil.

Childish that. Probably marked
now, is it?

You don't 'alf go on don't yer?

I said I'm sorry! Look, I'll go up to the room
and get you a fresh shirt. Alright?

Yeah, why don't you do that
small thing Rodney, alright.

Bon soir.

Oh bonjour M'sieur. Vous restez
a l'hotel?

Defense de fumier! Avez vous
Dubonnet?

Oui, oiu, merci...

Garcon, dos Dubonnet pore
favore. Danke schon.

De quelle partie de la France
etes-vous?

Oui! Er, je t'aime, je
t'adore? Sur le pont d'Avignon!

Pardon M'sieur!

- Hey Jackie!
- Hi!

Join me for a drink?

Oh, I'd love to but I think I got stuck with
that little French feller over there.

I wouldn't worry about him.

Pull up a pew - he won't
bother you with me around.

Je suis frontieres.

Thank you waiter!

I hope he doesn't kick sand in
my face.

Shut up! What's up with you? I
was just about to pull a French sort.

Look you've got to come with
me now. Come on.

- What's the matter?
- It's Grandad!

Grandad? He's ill ain't he?

I told you there was something the matter with him
but you wouldn't listen to me would you.

- He's not ill!
- Well what's up with him then?

- He's been arrested!
- Arrested!

Well come on!

Veesitors!

Huh, it's you two!

Yeah, good afternoon Grandad, how are you?
Settled in alright?

Quo vadis senor.

You know, quo vadis!

Took yer time getting here
didn't yer?

Now don't you start getting
stroppy with me you ungrateful old git!

I've been running round this town –

I've been running about here like a tit
in a trance looking for you!

I went to the police station,
they knew you'd been arrested

- but they couldn't remember
what they'd done with you!

Yeah. And for the last four hours I've been
phoning round trying to get hold of a consul!

Oh charming! So while I'm banged up in here
Rodney's out trying to hire a car!

Not that sort of consul, you
daft old git. I mean the British consulate!

Well why didn't you bring him
then with you?

Well why did you get yourself
arrested?

Sssh! Keep your voice down. You'll get him
chucked out of here!

Just - just keep calm will you, everybody please.
Just nice and calm and easy. Right, what happened?

Nothing! I was just crossing the road to the hotel,
when this police car squinched up to me

nearly running me over - next thing I knew I was
banged up in here! They ain't even charged me with nuffing!

No - no - look you must have
done something Grandad!

You went back to the hotel for a little kip right,
'alf hour later you're doing porridge!

Now think hard Grandad. Have
you done anything remotely out of order?

I mean, did you get drunk and disorderly. Did you
have a punch up with the Kuwaiti supporters' club.

Did you goose the maid?

No! Well...there was a little incident Del.
It didn't happen today though!

Now we're getting somewhere.
Alright, come on. Tell me when did it happen?

1936!

You know for a moment there I
thought you said 1936!

That's funny that but so did I!

In 1936 I was deported from Spain!
And all her territories and dominions!

Would you, er, would you consider it nosey of me
if I were to ask you the reason why.

Do you really wanna know?

Well no...we're just curious
that's all!

Yeah, you know, well we just
wondered.

Well...I were up to no good
weren't I!

Well I didn't think they got ruddy well deported for doing
missionary work id I? So what happened in 1936?

The Spanish Civil War
happened, that's what happened!

The Spanish Civil...This gets
worse Rodney!

Oh look, it's a long long
story!

Well according to Manuel the guard you may have a
long long time to tell it in! So let's hear it.

Well in 1936 the family was
living in Peabody Buildings, Peckham Rye.

Oh it was terribly hard times! We had no
money - no food - no future!

There was millions of
unemployed on the dole.

Excuse me. Just a minute -
just a - sorry - just a minute.

I mean, excuse me, I may be
being a wally or something,

but you - can you possibly explain to me what a dole queue in
Peckham has got to do with the Spanish Civil War!

I'm building up to it Del!

Having a conversation with him
is like the slow death innit?

One day me and my mate Nobby Clarke,
we decided we had just about had enough of it.

So we run off to join the Foreign Legion!

The Foreign Legion? You don't
mean the British Legion?

The French Foreign Legion! Camels and forts, you know!
So we hitch-hiked to Southampton.

That's where their headquarters was?

No! That's where we tried to
get aboard a boat!

Well, eventually we stowed away on a
tramp steamer.

We hid under the tarpaulin in the lifeboat. But oh –
the voyage was terrible, there was storms and gales.

Us Trotters have never made good sailors!
Now Nobby was - he was alright on the water,

I think it comes from the time when he was a
caretaker at a seamen's mission in Grimsby.

Oi oi, I don't want to worry you, you know, but our plane
leaves in three days. What happened in Spain?

Well I'm just coming to it!
Oh now where was I!

You and the Fisherman's Friend
were under a tarpaulin in the lifeboat.

Oh yeah! Well, when the ship
finally docked guess where we were?

- Spain!
- No, Tangiers!

Grandad, is it worth me making
any plans for my future?

I mean what has all this got to
do with the Foreign Legion?

Tangiers was one of their main
bases wasn't it.

You see any normal person who wanted to join the French
Legion would have gone to France, wouldn't they.

Not him, no!

Well we jumped ship and made
our way to their barracks.

When we got there we couldn't
believe our eyes.

They were the biggest band of cutthroats, villains
and murderers you could ever hope to see!

They was the
scum of the earth!

So you didn't join?

We tried but they wouldn't have us!
Well, now me and Nobby was in dead lumber.

We had no money, we had nowhere to sleep
and we was a thousand miles from home!

But then we had a bit of luck,
well it were more a quirk of fate really.

We bumped into an Arab
and he offered us a job.

He said he'd pay us to take his motor launch over to
the Spanish coast and deliver a...a cargo.

- What sort of 'cargo'?
- Guns.

You mean you were gun-running
in the middle of the civil war?

Well that's the best time to
do it Rodney, supply and demand!

You dirty little mercenary!

Oh we didn't do it purely for financial gain! Oh no,
we both felt a deep commitment to a political cause!

Which side were you selling
to?

Well whichever side had the
most money really.

Oh no, no - it's alright
Rodney.

No, I mean, you know a conscience is nice but
business is business, right.

Well it was after the seventh
trip when it happened...

There was government troops, lying
in wait for us.

They arrested us and they took us to this
little prison outside a town called Tarifa.

They took Nobby away and...tortured him! You
could hear his screams echoing through the night!

Woke you up at one point
didn't it?

The last thing on my mind was sleep Rodney!

But no matter what they done to him Nobby
wouldn't say a word!

I bet he didn't ever have his
Callard and Bowser to suck did he!

Then it were my turn!

They...they tortured you?

No! But they would have done
if I hadn't told them everything I knew!

Well, a couple of days later these government geezers
arrive with our deportation orders,

and well, well, that's
about it!

Are you sure that's about it? I mean you haven't
forgotten any little minor details have yer?

Like, I mean, you didn't pop over to Honk Kong
and become an opium peddler

or you didn't get a Saturday
morning job as a white slave trader did you?

No - I just went back to Peckham Del,
put me name down on the housing list.

Grandad, why the hell didn't
you tell us all this before we left home?

Well, I was gonna tell you but
I thought it might spoil the 'oliday!

Spoil the 'oliday! Well what
do you think this has done?

We'd have been better off with that caravan
in Buenos Aires now, wouldn't we.

Well it happened a long time ago.

I thought the Spanish authorities would have
forgotten it by now!

Forgotten about it? Forgotten
about it.

You're most probably on their ten
most wanted terrorists lists –

you're probably somewhere between
Carlos the Jackal and the Black November!

- September!
- What?

It's September. The Black
September! You said November!

Gordon Bennett Rodney, we haven't got time to stand
about here discussing signs of the bleedin' zodiac!

We've gotta think of a way of
getting the Red Shadow out of here!

It's no sweat, they'll just
deport him again!

Just deport him. You're joking
of course.

They've just held the World Cup here
haven't they,

they've got 'arf of Manchester
and Glasgow to get rid of first!

By the time we get him back he'll be eating
paella and calling us gringos!

There's gotta be a way! Now
there's always a way!

Hello, visiting time's over.

Here - listen, oi you two - now you keep schtum.
Let me do all the talking alright.

Ah hello Juan! Just the one I wanted to see.

Yeah, well, um, no I just wanted to say
like my grandfather here was telling us

about the charming reception that he's received
in your charming bijou nick!

What ees thees you say to me,
eh? You take thee peees yes?

I'm not taking the piss, au
contraire - au contraire Juan.

No I was, um - the thing that
I wanted to say to you - was...

Oi Del! What the bloody 'ell
do you think you're doing!

I told you keep schtum!
Pardona Monsieur, El Wally.

I've been racking my brains to
find a way that I could possibly repay you,

you know for all the good work that
you've done.

And I thought that perhaps you might give this
to the charity of your choice, know what I mean?

- The charity of my choice?
- Yeah.

- Gracias senor.
- Granada.

Gracias!

Now listen Juan, now - now we're such close friends,
I was just wondering if you -

you know, that you could pull a few strings
and get me old Grandad out of this khazi?

Ce senor! You can go!

- What - go! What, just like that?
- Si! You are free to go.

Um, excuse me Juan, er, shouldn't you like, clear it
with the Guv'ner first, you know what I mean.

There's no need senor, I have
hees release papers here!

You mean that you were going
to let him go anyway?

Si senor!

Nice one. Nice one Juan! Yes - yes a couple more years and
you could be in charge of yer own borstal couldn't yer.

How come you're letting me go
so soon?

You done nothing - it's a little offence.
How you say - a traffic violation.

You crossa the road almost
causing the car to crash!

But we make no charges - bad for
Angelo-Spanish relationships!

Yeah, well, don't think you're
getting Gibraltar back just 'cos of this!

You - well, it appears you walked
across the road Grandfather!

You were done for jay-walking
you stupid old berk!

Well I didn't know Del Boy.

When they screeched to a halt
I thought they'd captured me!

Gracias once again senor. The
charity of my choice will ve very pleased.

I bet she will Juan, I bet she will!

Well I suppose we'd better stop off at the drug store and
get something for Grandad's cuts and bruises.

I ain't got no cuts and bruises!

It's early yet!

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