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1
00:00:44,122 --> 00:00:45,352
Bloody hell!
2
00:00:52,263 --> 00:00:55,160
Why don't you just get a
megaphone and finish me off quickly!
3
00:00:56,574 --> 00:01:00,339
Now you know how I felt last
night, I was fast akip I was,
4
00:01:00,533 --> 00:01:02,812
when you come in my room
and made that horrible noise in my ear!
5
00:01:03,216 --> 00:01:05,434
- Yes, sorry.
- That could've killed me!
6
00:01:07,345 --> 00:01:11,675
- D'you reckon?
- Where d'you get that trumpet from anyway?
7
00:01:13,024 --> 00:01:14,081
What trumpet?
8
00:01:15,067 --> 00:01:16,732
I felt my heart go all funny.
9
00:01:17,138 --> 00:01:20,205
In my unconscious state I thought
it was the abandon ship alarm!
10
00:01:20,481 --> 00:01:23,159
Oh yeah, thought they was
playing your tune did you?
11
00:01:23,699 --> 00:01:25,032
Look, I'm sorry, alright?
12
00:01:25,340 --> 00:01:28,464
Yes, that's all very well innit.
You could at least say you're sorry!
13
00:01:28,807 --> 00:01:33,015
- I'm sorry!
- So, what was it all about last night then?
14
00:01:33,405 --> 00:01:36,540
Well, it's just me and Del,
we'd had a right blinding week,
15
00:01:36,710 --> 00:01:40,876
I mean we were selling it before we'd bought it,
so we had a bit of a celebration, right.
16
00:01:41,196 --> 00:01:44,834
Anyway, I went down the Nag's Head and,
of course, Friday night is disco night innit?
17
00:01:45,229 --> 00:01:49,360
And I met this bird - Helen. Oh,
she really is something else.
18
00:01:49,602 --> 00:01:52,789
I mean, she's tall, she's slender,
bit older than me, but you know,
19
00:01:52,997 --> 00:01:55,228
I've been brought up to
respect me elders.
20
00:01:56,372 --> 00:01:57,634
Was it her trumpet?
21
00:02:00,186 --> 00:02:02,583
I don't know! I don't
remember having a bloody trumpet.
22
00:02:02,766 --> 00:02:06,343
Anyway, listen right, you've gotta see this
bird, she really is the works.
23
00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:09,621
Yeah, everyone in the pub was looking at
me, they was as jealous as hell.
24
00:02:10,056 --> 00:02:13,305
Do you know who she looks like? She looks like
that Linda Evans out of Dynasty.
25
00:02:15,068 --> 00:02:16,495
Which one's that, Joan
Collins?
26
00:02:19,390 --> 00:02:22,320
How can bloody Linda Evans
be Joan Collins?
27
00:02:22,845 --> 00:02:25,851
It's Linda Evans, you know, she plays
Krystal Carrington!
28
00:02:26,051 --> 00:02:28,451
Oh her, that's a bit tasty
innit son?
29
00:02:28,696 --> 00:02:33,596
Yeah, and she's got the right hots for your's truly.
I have struck gold, son.
30
00:02:33,796 --> 00:02:35,439
Well, good luck to you boy.
31
00:02:37,935 --> 00:02:41,280
Right, alright, you mouthy old git!
What d'you think I am, mutton or something?
32
00:02:41,931 --> 00:02:48,294
Gawd blimey, eh? Oi, Rodney, you were a bit
steaming when you came in last night, weren't you, eh?
33
00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:51,388
Yeah, well I had something
to celebrate didn't I?
34
00:02:51,785 --> 00:02:55,149
Yeah, what, you finally got
shot of it then, did ya?
35
00:02:57,445 --> 00:02:58,333
What?
36
00:02:58,508 --> 00:03:00,789
Well, you know, that old dog
who was hanging round you last night.
37
00:03:03,416 --> 00:03:04,921
'Old dog?' What d'you mean, 'old dog?'
38
00:03:05,354 --> 00:03:09,447
She was - she was a bit scraggy weren't she.
Blimey, she must have been six foot six!
39
00:03:10,831 --> 00:03:13,895
Well yeah, she was tallish.
40
00:03:14,390 --> 00:03:18,889
Tallish? Blimey, not many
birds call you shortie do they hey?
41
00:03:20,814 --> 00:03:23,087
He told me she looked like
Krystle Carrington.
42
00:03:23,365 --> 00:03:27,264
Krystal Carrington? Crystal bleedin' Palace
more like from where I was standing!
43
00:03:27,636 --> 00:03:29,674
Derek, you do not even know the girl.
44
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:32,966
Yes I do, course I do. Her
name was Helen, right?
45
00:03:36,510 --> 00:03:37,398
...No.
46
00:03:38,411 --> 00:03:42,109
Oh yes it is. 'Cos I know,
'cos they call her Helen of Croydon.
47
00:03:42,652 --> 00:03:44,595
The face that launched a thousand dredgers.
48
00:03:48,686 --> 00:03:50,161
I'll do you a bit of breakfast Del.
49
00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:53,984
No, leave me out Albert.
I've got a bit of business to do. No, it's alright.
50
00:03:54,222 --> 00:03:55,853
I tell you what, I could do
with a bit of egg and bacon now.
51
00:03:56,192 --> 00:03:58,275
Yeah, well, give Helen of
Croydon a bell!
52
00:04:04,699 --> 00:04:08,764
Oi, oi, don't waste it, what's the matter with yer?
Give us it.
53
00:04:09,190 --> 00:04:13,083
Well, it's the way he treats me innit,
him giving me all that just 'cos I woke him up.
54
00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:19,440
So, er, I had a trumpet with me
when I came in last night then?
55
00:04:20,929 --> 00:04:22,708
Oh yeah, that's right.
56
00:04:22,882 --> 00:04:26,359
Belongs to Biffo the bear, his group were playing
at the Nag's last night, don't you remember?
57
00:04:26,694 --> 00:04:28,008
What's he lend it to me for?
58
00:04:28,349 --> 00:04:29,863
He didn't did he?
59
00:04:30,543 --> 00:04:35,495
Don't you remember, you were so out of your mind
at one point last night you went up on the stage,
60
00:04:35,795 --> 00:04:40,072
took his trumpet off him, blew down the wrong end,
gave him the V-sign and walked out with it.
61
00:04:41,251 --> 00:04:45,583
- Bloody hell, he's a big bloke an' all ain't he?
- And he ain't 'alf in a bad mood an' all.
62
00:04:45,973 --> 00:04:46,771
Why?
63
00:04:46,946 --> 00:04:50,409
Well, you won't believe
this, some dozy git nicked his trumpet!
64
00:04:52,188 --> 00:04:55,241
I'll get it back to him today,
hey, I'll buy him a drink or something.
65
00:04:55,478 --> 00:04:57,783
Yeah, well, you've got the
morning off, 'cos, you know, I'm busy.
66
00:04:58,125 --> 00:05:01,755
- Where you going?
- I'm goin' to church.
67
00:05:03,097 --> 00:05:07,114
- Why?
- Why not?
68
00:05:12,204 --> 00:05:13,605
See you later.
69
00:05:18,873 --> 00:05:23,108
- Del gone?
- He's gone to church!
70
00:05:24,184 --> 00:05:26,740
- Church? Del Boy?
- Yeah!
71
00:05:28,229 --> 00:05:31,765
That's funny you know, 'cos
he came in from the pub last night,
72
00:05:31,946 --> 00:05:35,058
had a couple of pina coladas and started
talking to me about religion.
73
00:05:35,731 --> 00:05:40,390
He asked me if I believed God saw everything
- and, if so, did he take notes.
74
00:05:42,262 --> 00:05:45,862
I've seen blokes catch religion before,
it's always very sudden like. .
75
00:05:47,657 --> 00:05:49,192
- It's gone.
- What's gone?
76
00:05:49,595 --> 00:05:51,314
His Cliff Richard cassette.
77
00:05:52,488 --> 00:05:56,966
Ah, it's most probably nothing son. Maybe he feels
the need of a bit of spiritual guidance.
78
00:05:58,019 --> 00:06:03,382
Del? Yeah, maybe you're right Uncle.
79
00:06:03,862 --> 00:06:07,509
Of course I am. I mean, I
couldn't honestly see Del Boy
80
00:06:07,688 --> 00:06:13,114
becoming one of yer Burning Bush and Joshua at
the battle of Jericho mob, could you?
81
00:06:14,691 --> 00:06:24,002
No, what Del? With the...No of course not!
Hey, talking of Joshua, where's that trumpet?
82
00:06:24,620 --> 00:06:25,829
I chucked it down the dust chute.
83
00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:29,815
You did what? That ain't mine,
it's Biffo's! He'll mangle my head!
84
00:06:30,012 --> 00:06:32,270
Well it'll teach you not
to blow it in my ear 'ole won't it.
85
00:06:32,591 --> 00:06:34,696
Oh, you dopey little git.
86
00:06:45,974 --> 00:06:50,175
Where is it? It can't be that far down, he only
chucked it out this morning.
87
00:07:01,697 --> 00:07:06,002
Who'd chuck something
like that down a chute? Pigs.
88
00:07:15,036 --> 00:07:22,518
I don't believe it. I don't
believe it. How can I give it back to Biffo?
89
00:07:25,257 --> 00:07:31,247
He's bound to notice. Albert!
I hate you Albert!
90
00:08:10,371 --> 00:08:14,788
- Shop!
- I'll be with you in just a moment!
91
00:08:16,857 --> 00:08:19,562
Right you are, thank you.
92
00:08:51,788 --> 00:08:54,881
Flaming corns, will be
the bane of my life.
93
00:09:01,824 --> 00:09:04,985
- Is that you Del Boy?
- Yes Father, it's me.
94
00:09:05,599 --> 00:09:08,374
I thought as much! So, how
are you these days?
95
00:09:08,888 --> 00:09:10,842
Well, you know, struggling.
How's yourself?
96
00:09:11,460 --> 00:09:13,620
Oh, the corns are still
giving me gip.
97
00:09:14,725 --> 00:09:19,273
I've got some lovely orthopaedic sandals coming
along. I'll pop a pair into you.
98
00:09:19,450 --> 00:09:22,917
Thanks Derek. So, to what
do I owe this honour?
99
00:09:26,951 --> 00:09:29,335
I have come to confess my sins.
100
00:09:29,629 --> 00:09:33,318
Oh Derek please.. I've been
invited out to dinner this evening.
101
00:09:34,048 --> 00:09:36,299
Well, it's just one main sin really.
102
00:09:37,362 --> 00:09:43,888
Oh thanks be to God for that. Wait a minute.
I didn't know you were Catholic.
103
00:09:45,556 --> 00:09:49,678
Well, I don't know do I?
I don't know that.
104
00:09:50,028 --> 00:09:52,858
I was only a kid, but me mum was a Catholic.
105
00:09:53,247 --> 00:09:55,376
Have you ever been to this church before?
106
00:09:56,098 --> 00:09:59,324
Of course I have, when
me mum and dad got married.
107
00:10:00,903 --> 00:10:03,183
You were just a little baby then!
108
00:10:03,529 --> 00:10:05,804
I mean have you ever been
to this church since then?
109
00:10:06,468 --> 00:10:12,299
- Er, no.
- Del, my boy, you disappoint me.
110
00:10:12,825 --> 00:10:14,972
I watched The Ten Commandments on the telly.
111
00:10:17,302 --> 00:10:21,744
Look Father, I don't wanna get up there on Judgement Day
and find out that I'm on the hit list.
112
00:10:23,181 --> 00:10:26,155
I mean, God sees
everything doesn't he?
113
00:10:26,649 --> 00:10:30,906
Look Derek, this is not the God'll Fix it Show.
114
00:10:31,614 --> 00:10:34,908
Forgiveness is only for those
who feel shame and remorse.
115
00:10:35,082 --> 00:10:40,516
I do feel shame and remorse.
Father, does it matter what religion I am?
116
00:10:40,934 --> 00:10:44,971
Well, I don't know that
you're not a Catholic, do I?
117
00:10:45,833 --> 00:10:49,493
That's the spirit, you know
it makes sense.
118
00:10:50,394 --> 00:10:57,263
Alright, fire away Del. But the truth mind you,
I don't want you lying in my confessional.
119
00:10:57,496 --> 00:10:58,672
Would I lie to you?
120
00:11:02,405 --> 00:11:08,916
Well, about a week ago I bought
some gear off a couple of gentlemen.
121
00:11:09,181 --> 00:11:11,053
I bought it in good faith, honest I did.
122
00:11:12,907 --> 00:11:16,534
Appears that last night I found out there
was more to it than meets the eye.
123
00:11:16,858 --> 00:11:18,216
I didn't know,
honest I didn't.
124
00:11:18,570 --> 00:11:23,689
I mean, I was led like an
artificial lamb to the slaughter.
125
00:11:24,414 --> 00:11:29,752
If I'd of known the full SP I would never have taken it on,
honest I wouldn't. But you don't ask do you?
126
00:11:29,933 --> 00:11:31,207
Well, you don't Del.
127
00:11:31,380 --> 00:11:35,347
I didn't think I needed to ask, Father,
I trusted these two gentlemen.
128
00:11:35,675 --> 00:11:39,818
I believed that they were both honest
and upstanding citizens of our community.
129
00:11:40,148 --> 00:11:43,024
- Who were these men?
- Sunglasses Ron and Paddy the Greek.
130
00:11:44,909 --> 00:11:51,979
Well, you can't get them more honest and upstanding
than them two. I'll give you a choice of penance.
131
00:11:53,042 --> 00:11:57,103
You can either say five Hail Maries
and ten Our Fathers
132
00:11:58,454 --> 00:12:02,957
- �or make a little donation to the hospice fund?
- Will a score be alright?
133
00:12:08,743 --> 00:12:13,233
- Is that it? All squared?
- Your sins have been absolved Del.
134
00:12:13,736 --> 00:12:20,205
- No, no Father, I wanted to be forgiven.
- You have been forgiven.
135
00:12:22,497 --> 00:12:30,687
Oh, cushty. So what's the
fund for then Father?
136
00:12:30,932 --> 00:12:33,000
Are they building a new
extension to the hospice or what?
137
00:12:33,226 --> 00:12:39,017
I wish they were Del.
No, unfortunately they're demolishing it.
138
00:12:40,505 --> 00:12:43,243
But why? That's been
there for years and years.
139
00:12:43,616 --> 00:12:48,304
Ah, that's the problem.
Over the years it's become dilapidated.
140
00:12:48,547 --> 00:12:51,145
They've estimated it'll cost a
quarter of a million to repair it,
141
00:12:51,654 --> 00:12:52,911
that's what the
fund's for.
142
00:12:54,156 --> 00:12:57,130
But, I'm grieved to say, we've got
little or no chance of reaching our target.
143
00:12:57,416 --> 00:13:01,104
Wait a minute, maybe we could organise
a charity darts match for you at the Nag's Head.
144
00:13:01,288 --> 00:13:02,536
How much more
money d'you need?
145
00:13:02,820 --> 00:13:08,781
- 185,000.
- Say I threw a raffle in an' all, eh?
146
00:13:09,971 --> 00:13:13,132
It's very, very kind of you
Del, and I do appreciate it.
147
00:13:13,845 --> 00:13:16,246
But I really think this
is one battle that we've lost.
148
00:13:17,317 --> 00:13:18,871
They can't knock it down.
149
00:13:19,325 --> 00:13:21,680
What's gonna happen to all the old
and the sick people living there?
150
00:13:21,974 --> 00:13:31,389
- Well, they'll move them out first.
- I know, I know that. But I mean, to where?
151
00:13:32,130 --> 00:13:37,251
Who knows? They'll probably be disbursed
to the four quarters of the metropolis,
152
00:13:37,481 --> 00:13:42,978
far away from their friends and relatives.
I mean, they're all local people in St Mary's.
153
00:13:43,144 --> 00:13:46,803
I know, they looked after my old Mum
you know, when she was ill.
154
00:13:46,988 --> 00:13:48,860
- So they did.
- Treated her well an' all.
155
00:13:49,017 --> 00:14:00,582
And my old Grandad - bless him, he used to moan
at 'em a lot. No, they can't knock it down! Can they?
156
00:14:01,044 --> 00:14:05,823
Well, it's out of our hands,
look I'll be honest with you Del.
157
00:14:07,411 --> 00:14:10,522
For the past six or seven months, since I first
heard of the plans for the hospice,
158
00:14:11,047 --> 00:14:16,880
my faith has been severely tested. All my efforts and
prayers have failed.
159
00:14:18,622 --> 00:14:22,018
You know, I feel as if I've let
the people down.
160
00:14:22,615 --> 00:14:25,296
Now come on, come on, don't
talk like that Father.
161
00:14:25,709 --> 00:14:30,000
Come on, something'll turn up.
Remember the old saying?
162
00:14:30,354 --> 00:14:31,983
He who dares wins.
163
00:14:32,428 --> 00:14:41,185
Well, I'll bear it in mind.
Say a prayer for me Del.
164
00:14:41,451 --> 00:14:42,612
Yeah, I will.
165
00:14:57,151 --> 00:15:00,891
Sweet Jesus! Derek!
166
00:15:01,914 --> 00:15:05,862
- I'm putting it in, I'm putting it in!
- Come down here, quickly!
167
00:15:06,121 --> 00:15:09,233
- What's happening?
- Come and see this, hurry!
168
00:15:12,150 --> 00:15:14,575
- What is it?
- Look!
169
00:15:40,795 --> 00:15:42,523
It's a miracle.
170
00:15:45,812 --> 00:15:47,722
Don't get many of them
round Peckham.
171
00:15:48,671 --> 00:15:50,239
It's a sign Del.
172
00:15:53,167 --> 00:15:55,206
A sign that we
can make a fortune!
173
00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:56,443
What?
174
00:15:56,796 --> 00:16:02,590
Can't you see what we've got ourselves? An authentic,
delux miracle. They go for a bomb these days.
175
00:16:02,858 --> 00:16:05,993
How do you talk about money
at a time like this?
176
00:16:06,152 --> 00:16:08,145
Well, what d'you wanna talk
about, yer holidays?
177
00:16:08,774 --> 00:16:10,928
Don't you see the opportunity
you're being presented with here?
178
00:16:11,316 --> 00:16:14,636
People will pay hard cash just
to see this sort of thing.
179
00:16:15,034 --> 00:16:20,405
Look, I have no intention of turning
my church into some fairground peep show.
180
00:16:21,051 --> 00:16:26,346
And how could I charge my
own flock to see their miracle?
181
00:16:26,688 --> 00:16:30,060
I'm not talking about your flock. I'm talking about
the newspapers, the magazines, the television!
182
00:16:30,333 --> 00:16:33,873
The media people will pay through their noses just
to get this sort of thing on their front pages!
183
00:16:34,252 --> 00:16:35,700
I don't know if it's right Derek.
184
00:16:36,025 --> 00:16:38,950
See those old people down at St Mary's hospice,
they'd think it right wouldn't they?
185
00:16:39,187 --> 00:16:41,299
Listen to me, with the money you
could earn out of this,
186
00:16:41,472 --> 00:16:45,956
you could have that place repaired, redecorated and
get Samantha Fox to reopen it for yer!
187
00:16:47,648 --> 00:16:48,730
D'you really think we could?
188
00:16:48,978 --> 00:16:52,398
Yeah of course. I mean she don't come cheap,
but I'll see what I can do.
189
00:16:52,728 --> 00:16:58,226
No, I mean save the hospice?
190
00:16:58,397 --> 00:17:00,205
Of course, of course we can. It'll be a doddle.
Where's your phone?
191
00:17:01,092 --> 00:17:04,320
It's alright, I'll find it, you stay here.
192
00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:11,551
- I don't think I could exploit...
- No, you couldn't Father, but I'm shit hot at it!
193
00:17:19,015 --> 00:17:23,653
- Look at it! Just look at it will you!
- Get that thing away from me.
194
00:17:24,393 --> 00:17:28,013
What am I supposed to tell Biffo?
I let Yuri Geller have a go on it!
195
00:17:28,870 --> 00:17:30,885
Tell him what you want son,
ain't my problem.
196
00:17:31,290 --> 00:17:34,341
And you chucked all that rubbish down the chute
knowing that I was at the bottom!
197
00:17:34,506 --> 00:17:35,998
I've had to have a
shower and everything.
198
00:17:36,213 --> 00:17:39,051
I didn't chuck the rubbish down the chute.
It must have been one of the neighbours.
199
00:17:39,286 --> 00:17:42,833
- I found your kipper.
- It could have been anyone's kipper.
200
00:17:43,022 --> 00:17:50,461
- Oh yeah, and how many kippers wear Brut?
- Is that what that horrible taste was?
201
00:17:50,704 --> 00:17:53,177
- Yeah.
- You sprinkled it with after-shave?
202
00:17:53,351 --> 00:17:54,914
Yes I did to get even with you.
203
00:17:55,071 --> 00:17:57,104
I wish I hadn't told you
where your trumpet was now.
204
00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:58,703
So do I actually.
205
00:17:59,804 --> 00:18:01,033
Hold that.
206
00:18:05,406 --> 00:18:12,145
Hello. Del, you wanna see what Rumplestiltskin's
done to this trumpet, he's only gone and chucked...
207
00:18:13,154 --> 00:18:22,452
Oh, sorry! What'd you mean, phone Reuters?
You've seen a what?
208
00:18:24,477 --> 00:18:31,185
What happened, did Boycie buy a round?
Alright, alright, keep your hair on!
209
00:18:32,490 --> 00:18:40,156
Yeah, bloody hell, hold on...
210
00:18:44,016 --> 00:18:50,709
Yeah, right, ok - Reuters,
Tass, Peckham Echo...
211
00:18:53,420 --> 00:19:01,685
Oh right, BBC...ITV...
Right, what about channel Four? Oh no, right ok.
212
00:19:02,444 --> 00:19:09,237
Yeah, I've got it all, it's all here mate.
Yeah, take care, I'll see you later on, see ya. Bye.
213
00:19:11,194 --> 00:19:16,146
- He's flipped. He's completely bloody loopy!
- Why, what's happened?
214
00:19:17,003 --> 00:19:19,462
- He's seen a miracle.
- A miracle?
215
00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:26,131
Well, that's what the man said. Hang on a minute.
Last night he was talking about God.
216
00:19:26,583 --> 00:19:33,141
This morning he went to church, this afternoon he's
seen a miracle. It can only mean one thing.
217
00:19:33,455 --> 00:19:34,775
He's caught religion.
218
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:39,293
No, he's pulling a stroke ain't he?
Oh, come on, think about it.
219
00:19:39,460 --> 00:19:42,481
There are Cardinals and Archbishops -
they've been in the business all their lives
220
00:19:42,654 --> 00:19:44,069
and never got a sniff of a miracle.
221
00:19:44,670 --> 00:19:48,486
Then along comes Del, he's in the game
five minutes and already he's a prophet.
222
00:19:50,601 --> 00:19:55,581
Profit being the operative word!
How's he gonna make money out of the church?
223
00:20:08,181 --> 00:20:09,399
Nothing's happening Del.
224
00:20:10,179 --> 00:20:12,764
They've been waiting
three days, and nothing's happened.
225
00:20:14,770 --> 00:20:16,259
Here Father,
look at these contracts.
226
00:20:16,658 --> 00:20:17,896
I worked them out in such a way that
227
00:20:17,931 --> 00:20:21,690
if they want to sell any of the photographs or the film of
the miracle anywhere else in the world,
228
00:20:21,725 --> 00:20:24,580
- �they've got to pay you again, look see.
- You've made them sign contracts?
229
00:20:24,615 --> 00:20:28,261
Of course I have, it's business innit?
No poppy, no picture, that's my motto.
230
00:20:28,691 --> 00:20:30,620
But what happens if the
miracle doesn't occur again?
231
00:20:31,642 --> 00:20:33,172
Well, we give 'em their
money back, I suppose.
232
00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:37,662
But don't worry, don't worry. I
always get this feeling when the miracle's due
233
00:20:38,869 --> 00:20:40,477
and I've got a feeling it could
be pretty son too.
234
00:20:41,081 --> 00:20:43,750
- Well, I hope you're right.
- Trust me, trust me.
235
00:20:46,599 --> 00:20:50,817
- No luck?
- You know, sort of. Here take a butchers at that will ya.
236
00:20:54,417 --> 00:20:55,621
They're paying you all that money?
237
00:20:57,779 --> 00:21:00,519
Well, it's not every day that they get a chance
to see a miracle is it, eh?
238
00:21:00,834 --> 00:21:04,165
And that's just the British media, you wait
till the rest of the world's press gets here.
239
00:21:04,524 --> 00:21:06,203
- Look at all these noughts Rodney.
- Yeah.
240
00:21:06,382 --> 00:21:08,667
- You can see his game now can't yer?
- What are you talking about?
241
00:21:09,098 --> 00:21:10,582
You're gonna cream some off ain't yer?
242
00:21:11,589 --> 00:21:12,864
Now you listen to me Albert,
243
00:21:13,042 --> 00:21:15,491
I am not the kind of bloke
who cheats on the sick and the elderly.
244
00:21:15,935 --> 00:21:21,257
You put your peepers down there, you'll see that
all cheques are made payable to St Mary's hospice fund!
245
00:21:21,547 --> 00:21:22,482
Sorry son.
246
00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:26,908
That's alright. I simply want to keep that place
open, and you'd better pray I succeed!
247
00:21:27,191 --> 00:21:27,902
Why?
248
00:21:27,937 --> 00:21:30,823
'Cos one more crack out of you
and you're gonna be their next client!
249
00:21:31,814 --> 00:21:34,098
David, take a look at this will you!
250
00:21:50,355 --> 00:21:51,738
Take a look at that one Rodney.
251
00:22:00,761 --> 00:22:04,169
- Good day, Australian Broadcasting.
- Good day to you. Sign that pal.
252
00:22:05,008 --> 00:22:05,811
Well what is it?
253
00:22:06,327 --> 00:22:10,641
That tells you how much you've gotta pay to take
pictures of the finest little miracle this side of Heaven.
254
00:22:12,082 --> 00:22:17,846
Struth! Stone the crows!
255
00:22:18,232 --> 00:22:20,194
I tell you what we're gonna
do, while we're waiting, save us getting bored,
256
00:22:20,347 --> 00:22:21,843
we're gonna have another little collection.
257
00:22:22,107 --> 00:22:25,202
Alright, there we go, come on, that's it
thank you very much.
258
00:22:25,386 --> 00:22:28,761
Come on everybody, now let's dig
deeply, it's for the poor and needy.
259
00:22:30,158 --> 00:22:32,466
No coins please, because
it scratches the pewter.
260
00:22:34,249 --> 00:22:37,807
Thank you, and you, danke schon,
merci bo-coo. Very nice. Thank you.
261
00:22:38,501 --> 00:22:42,069
- Hello, now they're off and running!
- Get that camera over here.
262
00:22:42,276 --> 00:22:43,524
Just a minute, just a minute.
263
00:22:43,700 --> 00:22:47,181
Have you signed that contract
please? Thank you.
264
00:22:47,978 --> 00:22:49,417
Oi mind the camera there will yer?
265
00:22:50,418 --> 00:22:54,878
Thank you very much. There
you are Rodney, it's done, my son.
266
00:22:58,071 --> 00:22:59,752
This is the happiest day in my life.
267
00:23:00,347 --> 00:23:05,115
Yeah, I know what you mean Father. It's rien ne va plus
as the French would say...
268
00:23:09,216 --> 00:23:10,347
Where's the brolly?
269
00:23:10,756 --> 00:23:11,887
Sign that will you.
270
00:23:12,088 --> 00:23:14,896
Oh yeah, sure, who's it for
then, the wife or the kids?
271
00:23:15,547 --> 00:23:17,730
That's a receipt for all
the collections.
272
00:23:18,063 --> 00:23:21,416
- Hey, oh right.
- Oi Bruce!
273
00:23:22,609 --> 00:23:23,823
Why are they all called Bruce?
274
00:23:24,005 --> 00:23:24,979
- Mr Trotter?
- Yes?
275
00:23:25,146 --> 00:23:30,593
Sandra Cox, NBC, New York. Father O'Keith told me
that you actually prophesied the miracles.
276
00:23:31,086 --> 00:23:32,979
Um, yes, that's true, that's me.
277
00:23:33,427 --> 00:23:37,241
I wonder if we might have a short interview
for our viewers over in the States?
278
00:23:38,386 --> 00:23:39,549
Yes, of course.
279
00:23:41,429 --> 00:23:43,173
Make-up? Is there some make-up there?
280
00:23:47,637 --> 00:23:49,041
Everyone gone?
281
00:23:49,858 --> 00:23:55,467
Oh, yes, yes they have all they need.
And so do we. All thanks to your nephew.
282
00:23:55,790 --> 00:23:57,940
Yeah, he brought you nothing
but luck, didn't he?
283
00:23:58,197 --> 00:24:00,679
Unfortunately he also brings
the weather with him.
284
00:24:01,172 --> 00:24:05,093
Every time he's prophesied the
miracle it's been pouring with rain.
285
00:24:20,989 --> 00:24:23,901
And what form do these
'divine' messages take?
286
00:24:27,192 --> 00:24:32,324
What happens is that I get this strange sort of
feeling from the centre of my body.
287
00:24:33,032 --> 00:24:35,095
At first, I thought
it was a dodgy mutton tikka.
288
00:24:35,767 --> 00:24:41,617
Then I realised I was in fact a prophet. Many are
called, but I'm afraid, few are chosen.
289
00:24:45,127 --> 00:24:50,096
I do not want any reward for the work I
have done for the elderly and sick in the community.
290
00:24:50,670 --> 00:24:53,987
No medals, no OBEs, no Nobel Prizes.
291
00:24:54,184 --> 00:24:58,958
I would like to think, however, if there is
enough money left after repairing the hospice
292
00:24:59,332 --> 00:25:04,188
that they might build a new wing
and perhaps name it after me. This would...
293
00:25:04,359 --> 00:25:06,498
- Thank you.
- Come with me!
294
00:25:09,779 --> 00:25:14,222
Sorry viewers, the Lord's
work calls. Rodney Trotter signing off.
295
00:25:15,625 --> 00:25:16,656
Oh, cut.
.
296
00:25:19,584 --> 00:25:22,815
Bit dirty up here, innit?
Don't shove, don't shove.
297
00:25:27,836 --> 00:25:29,269
Look at my roof!
298
00:25:32,107 --> 00:25:35,907
Bloody hell! Sorry.
299
00:25:37,521 --> 00:25:50,324
And look! The water seeping through the floor across
the joist onto the lamp and right onto the statue.
300
00:25:50,855 --> 00:25:54,452
This isn't a miracle, it's a flaming leak!
301
00:25:56,409 --> 00:26:01,875
- Oh, that's a turn-up, innit?
- Somebody's stolen the lead.
302
00:26:02,791 --> 00:26:04,851
You can't trust anyone
these days can you, eh?
303
00:26:06,441 --> 00:26:10,757
No, wait, you're in luck, because
we've got a load of lead in our ga...
304
00:26:16,196 --> 00:26:17,762
I don't believe you!
305
00:26:18,049 --> 00:26:22,679
So this is what you bought off Sunglasses
Ron and Paddy the Greek isn't it?
306
00:26:23,847 --> 00:26:29,451
I didn't know at the time, otherwise I wouldn't have
touched it. That's what I come to tell you.
307
00:26:29,666 --> 00:26:33,578
- But you didn't tell me.
- No, I'm not a grass, am I?
308
00:26:34,602 --> 00:26:36,743
You knew all along it was no miracle,
309
00:26:37,297 --> 00:26:42,196
you weren't receiving divine messages,
you were listening to the weather forecast!
310
00:26:43,962 --> 00:26:46,962
Yeah, we saved St Mary's
though, didn't we.
311
00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:51,581
Derek, look me in the eyes!
312
00:26:55,846 --> 00:27:00,597
Are you telling me that for the sake
of some small, decrepit old building,
313
00:27:01,107 --> 00:27:05,031
you created this whole tissue
of lies and deceit?
314
00:27:05,671 --> 00:27:08,787
You deliberately and willingly
set out to defraud
315
00:27:09,003 --> 00:27:13,693
all those newspapers and television companies
out of thousands and thousands of pounds?
316
00:27:14,150 --> 00:27:15,552
Is that what
you're telling me?
317
00:27:24,724 --> 00:27:27,321
God bless you my son!
318
00:27:33,617 --> 00:27:39,943
I was gonna do some lecture tours, organise prayer
meetings at Wembley you know, that sort of thing.
319
00:27:41,010 --> 00:27:43,336
This time next year we was
gonna be millionaires!
320
00:27:43,753 --> 00:27:47,610
This time next year you'd have been
a prison inmate unless you watch your step!
321
00:27:47,932 --> 00:27:50,799
If I was you Derek, I would
keep a very low profile.
322
00:27:51,409 --> 00:27:52,983
Thank you very much.
Thank you for your cooperation.
323
00:28:06,718 --> 00:28:12,015
- Where's my trumpet?
- Oh hello, Biffo, how are you?
324
00:28:12,435 --> 00:28:14,253
Where's my trumpet?
325
00:28:14,706 --> 00:28:20,534
Your trumpet. Yeah, there's been a bit
of a hitch on the old trumpet front, mate.
326
00:28:20,723 --> 00:28:22,096
See that old man over there?
327
00:28:23,473 --> 00:28:25,202
Oi! Where's my trumpet?
328
00:28:25,468 --> 00:28:26,833
Ain't you gonna do something?
329
00:28:27,174 --> 00:28:28,667
Yeah, course I am!
330
00:28:29,027 --> 00:28:32,518
Oi, do you want to film some
authentic inner city violence?
331
00:28:32,954 --> 00:28:35,046
Come on, bring yer
cameras, bring your wallets.
332
00:28:35,629 --> 00:28:37,120
Rodney, not so fast!
333
00:28:40,270 --> 00:28:44,371
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