All language subtitles for One Foot in the Grave s06e06 Things Arent Simple Anymore.eng

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed

# But I have not yet quite gone to seed

# I may be over the hill now that I have retired

# Fading away but I've not yet expired

# Clapped out, run down, too old to save

# One foot in the grave #

(SIGHING LOUDLY)

Oh, hello

Yes, speaking

No, no

I've enjoyed listening to the complete works of
Rachmaninov through a plimsoll

It's brightened my day, no end

Never mind

Well, it's about this private prosecution
you're proposing to take out on my husband

for an unprovoked physical assault
on the 1 4th of June, this year

To wit, the forcible insertion
of a hypodermic syringe into our client's bottom,

occasioning him actual bodily harm

Firstly,

I have to say, I'm amazed how long it's taken you
to scrape some kind of case together on this one

Secondly,

since your client's bottom was being
thrust out of a car window

at the time the attack took place,
I'd hardly call it unprovoked

And thirdly,

as my husband's now been dead for five months,
I'd say your chances of getting a conviction

are not especially high

Oh, yes, I most certainly am

Entirely serious

And if you want to go raking up evidence

why don't you try finding the piece of scum
who sent him flying into the gutter that night

without so much as stopping to see

If you would please, yes

In the meantime,

I can just file this away, can I,
with all my other legal correspondence

Thank you

Now, then

What's next?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, yes

Mr Gundry, do please come in

Mrs Meldrew, how is it?
You sounded rather agitated on the phone

Yes, and it's hardly surprising, is it?

The money this is costing me

for what I hoped would be a precious

and lasting memorial to my marriage

We did agree on the composition,
with you, very slightly foreground

I'm not talking about the composition

I'm talking about this

How many photograph albums
did I give you to work from?

-I'm sorry, I don't quite
-It's Alastair Sim, isn't it?

Alastair Sim? No, no, no, no, no

Do you think?

I don't know why you didn't just put him in drag
as the headmistress of St Trinians

and have done with it

No, no I'm afraid I'll have to take issue
with you on that, Mrs Meldrew

I mean, Alastair Sim had a much more
rascally quality, which was quite different

The sort of parts
that would now be played by a Bob Hoskins

or a Freddie Jones, if one thinks of him,

for example, as Professor Potter
in the School for Scoundrels.

Look, I don't want a bloody debate
about his film career

All I'm saying is, this is not the man
I shared 38 years of my life with

And it's not going on my wall looking like that

So, you can just have another go, Mr Gundry,

before I go totally witless

Oh, Glynis, you're early

Or am I late? Oh, heck!

It's okay Don't panic

I booked a table for 1 :30
but they're very easy at that place

Have I missed all the fun and games?

Oh, don't

You talk about taking over the baton

Listen, I've just about had a week of it myself

What with Michael's old chum sending me that
hideous specimen yesterday morning

Oh, dear, what's this?

Best left till we're on our coffees, I think

I don't know The problems just don't seem
to go away these days, do they?

Oh

But then, they never did

VICTOR: Unbelievable!

I sometimes think the entire human race
has gone completely daffy

Do you know what they were doing up there
at the supermarket

when I called in for your cauliflower?

Only filming a bloody Christmas commercial
for television

In the middle of June

Ruddy Santa's elves dancing about
and God knows what-not

They had the whole car park
covered in shredded paper

blowing it about here, there and everywhere
to look as if it's snowing

Look at that

I hate to think where else it's got to

Right up my exhaust, I bet a pound to a penny

Where did that come from?

Oh, it's one Mum did ages ago

Apart from a couple of little rips,
it's still in pretty good nick

I thought I might put an advert in the local

Let's see if there's someone out there
who wants to give it a good ho Oh!

You haven't been to that car boot again?

What is the point of my having a good clear out

when you bring back all this junk?

You know what I managed to get hold of?
Do you remember old Dr Spicer,

dropped dead last year
at the Texaco filling station?

Oh, and someone tried to give him
the kiss of life with the free air pump

Oh, you're joking

Twenty quid was all his daughter wanted
for the full bag of tricks

Even got one of those things
for testing your blood pressure

You test my blood pressure

I suppose this is going to be
the new obsession now, is it?

-Sorry?
-Ever since you picked up that leaflet

in the post office about heart disease

Nothing

What does that mean?

I'm either dead or deaf

I haven't got much longer for this world,
I can tell you that much

Excuse me Which one of us actually suffered
a coronary last year? I seem to have forgotten

Isn't that district nurse of yours
coming round this afternoon?

Ah, she'll give me a quick check

Just to make sure I'm still ticking over at any rate

We'll see

How far up's a rectal thermometer meant to go?

What?

1 06, this one says That should be enough

I feel as if I'm burning up to high heaven

Then we're fine again, then, Mrs Meldrew

I shan't need to see you again now until

(MOBILE PHONE RINGING)

-Should we say, the 1 0th of August?
-Yes, that's fine

Excuse us, that'll probably be my nanny

Hello

Hi, Rachel, what's the prob

Oh, really, when did he ring?

Excuse me, it's a query from my accountant
about something Would you mind if I just?

No, no I've got to get this stuff out
to the dustman, anyway

Oh, yes Well, it's probably on
the January bank statement

which is either in that letter rack

or on the desk in my bedroom

Could you?

Mr Meldrew, are you well?

Ah, well, I'm hoping so

I don't know if my wife
has said anything to you about my

Oh, yes You were a bit concerned
about your fitness level

Okay, how long would it take you
to just race upstairs, do you think?

Yes, I think I can manage that

That's about right Now, if you could
very quickly run down it for me then, please

Sorry, can you repeat that?

Yeah, keep going

Keep going

Okay, then Just try skipping to the bottom

(THUMPING ON STAIRS)

Ah, stop there That's what we want, er

Now, you've gone a bit faint

Yes, just a little

No, no, I just wanted to check the balance

Yep, yep, that's fine

If you could very quickly get that off for me,
that would be lovely

Oh, how's the little fellow, by the way?
Not playing up at all?

Is that something else I've got to worry about?

No, just stick a first class stamp on it,
that'll be fine

-What?
-Bye

Oh, Mr Meldrew

We were saying Have you thought about
taking up jogging at all?

My legs are all seizing up now

I knew that would happen if I went for that run
in the park this evening

Bloody woman

Should've never listened to her in the first place

MARGARET: You're just not used to the exercise

I mean, that did my confidence
a lot of good, didn't it?

Being lapped by an over-80s fitness class

Artificial hips clacking away as they went past

Bought a drink to cool off and some tramp
chucked 50p in my cup

I mean, what's the point?

I suppose we've all got to go sometime

MARGARET: Where, exactly?

What do you mean?

Apparently, old Mrs Gantwood down on the corner

has asked the hospital now if they can just
let her husband die with dignity

But he only went in for a cataract operation,
didn't he?

I know, I think she's pushing her luck
a bit there, to be honest

Oh, Victor

Put that ruddy thing away
You know you haven't got a clue how it works

(HISSING)

Oh, it's got a ruddy puncture now

How did that happen?

Can I smell onions frying?

Oh, there's a man there on the corner,
setting up a hot dog stand

Two women next to him, lighting candles

What on earth do you suppose that's about?

Oi, oi, oi! Where do you think you're going?

A lot of people here before you, you know,
with worse things to worry about

-Pay you to have a little consideration
-Worse things to worry about?

Who are these people?

This is my house, for goodness sake

(BLITHERING)

Excuse me!

MAN: In you go Easy

(GREGORIAN CHANT PLAYING)

Victor

If you would, Father
Yes, I'd appreciate it Thank you

Well, speak to me Wake me up Anything!

It's this bloody advert

I wish I'd never put it in

It's not my fault that people twist things round
and see what they want to see

Advert?
''Remarkable embroidery of the Virgin Mary

''Beautifully hand stitched

''Has two small tears under her eyes''

What do you want to put that for?

Two small tears, is what it says

Just after you left

those two women turned up,
said they'd been outside all night

praying for a friend of theirs who's in hospital

First thing this morning,
they heard his results were clear

Could they come in
and give thanks for the miracle?

Well, before I could even gather my thoughts

all this lot started to arrive,

like something out of Franco Zeffirelli

I've phoned Father Blakey at Sacred Heart
He's going to try and get round here right away

And let them down gently Don't ask me how

Some more holy water Would you mind?

No

Faith is a powerful motivator, Mrs Meldrew

It brings out the pilgrim in us all

However you look at it,
this is a most extraordinary occurrence

Not so extraordinary in this house, I'm afraid

Rather more par for the course

Oh, dear Sounds as if you might welcome
a little spiritual comfort yourself, sometime

Sometime, very possibly

GLYNIS: Margaret.

Oh, sorry, Glynis

-It's just
-I know

Steals up on you,

like a knife in the ribs

Ah, and it's so much worse for you

I mean, with Michael,

well, you're just trying to fight nature

But what happened to Victor

I don't know, Margaret,
how you ever deal with that

Oh, I have a way

So, what were you saying earlier

about a hideous specimen?

This from his friends at the zoo?

Seventeen years, I think I told you,
he worked there as a keeper

Fifteen, in the reptile house

Snakes, lizards, anything with scales,
he could cope with

It was people always set his teeth on edge

I think I know the type

Last week, one of his favourite animals died

They had it made into a coffee table
and delivered to our house

Somehow, I don't think,
it would have made his day

I know

I was just starting to wonder with Victor,

how much torment one man can take in his life

It's like the morning, we thought we'd go
for a nice little drive to the market in Lanchester

Didn't quite work out?

Well, at least that bag of medical instruments
came in handy in the end

I mean, what sort of brain disorder is it anyway,

that makes someone want
to stick their bare backside out of a car window

at you in the first place

I don't know

But I don't suppose he'll be doing it again
in a hurry

After you lobbed that hypodermic syringe
into it like Eric Bristow

He's lucky I didn't have a snooker cue

Anyway, it brought a bit of colour to his cheeks

Bad enough falling asleep in that park
with that sun cream lotion on

and getting a face full of grass cuttings

Walking about like David Bellamy with greenfly

That couple took one look at me
and fell out of their boat

Heaven knows what they thought,
that I had some form of hideous skin disease

Oh, here we go again

Look, everywhere under the sun Look at that

I wonder who this is from Postmark Swansea

Now, then What time is that film on,
that I want to record?

8:1 5

That just gives me over an hour
to open this packet of videos

Oh, and why we ever thought
it was a good idea to go and visit cousin Ivor

I might've known he would just want to show off
that new car of his

Made me feel that mine was just a heap of rust

Got me to look out of his electronic sun-roof
and what happened?

Ruddy panel jammed against my neck
and I get stuck there

I had to go all the way to the fire station with my
head poking out the top like a ruddy tank turret

I know I was there, if you recall

Oh, look This is interesting

Do you remember Tom Jones
who was on the milk with you?

Thirty odd years ago,
when you both worked for Lea Valley Dairies

What's he died of?

Very much alive
He says it's the most amazing thing

Next week they're holding a reunion in London
for all the old gang

And they've been desperately trying
to get hold of you

''As luck would have it, my daughter
still sends the local paper every week

''and that's where I saw the report
of your miracle picture

''which was a miracle in itself
because I got straight on to the editor

''who gave me your address''

What sort of reunion?

Oh, you've got to go, Victor

You'll be able to swap stories
Catch up with everyone

They're all meeting up at a pub called
The Strangers Rest

next Friday at 8:00

Derek Baker, Bob Loft,

Limpy Briddock, Herbie Stranks

There's a whole list of names here

Limpy Briddock My God

He used to work up the dog track

Until he got his shoelace
caught in that electric hare

Wonder what he's been up to over all these years

Well, go along on Friday, you'll find out

It'll be just what you need You'll see

To take you out of yourself

FATHER BLAKEY: Let me get that one.

Oh, Morning

-Are you well?
-I'm fine, Mrs Meldrew

More importantly, how are you coping?

How long is it now? It's four weeks?

And three days

Can I say, this is a very positive thing
you've organised here

Cleaning up other people's filth?

Oh, yes Gives me no end of pleasure

Victor used to say,
it must be a certain kind of person

that regards a lavatory in a toilet
as an optional extra

Yes, well, I've got another recruit for you
this morning

Lady rang me up last night Her name is Glynis

She lost her husband about a week after yourself

He'd been very ill, I gather, for some time

Morning

Are you Margaret? Glynis Holloway

I just wondered if you could do
with another pair of hands

Oh, definitely, the more the merrier

How about if I start with the vacuum cleaner

Sorry?

Oh, right

-You sure you can manage?
-Absolutely fine

Mrs Meldrew, I know it must be very hard
for you right now

to find any kind of purpose in the world

I think I see how it works, Father

We're all just characters, really, aren't we?

In a giant soap opera

One by one, God gets bored with us
and decides to kill us off

Victor Meldrew mown down by a hit and run driver
on his way home from a party

Sounds depressingly plausible

A party his wife practically begged him to go to

Well, you

You can't go on torturing yourself
for something that wasn't your fault

Oh, I'm afraid I can do a lot of things, Father,
if I want to

Torturing myself is the least of them

You ask me how I'm coping
Shall I tell you exactly how I'm coping?

By clinging to the hope that one day they find
the bastard who was at the wheel of that car

because if they ever do,
I swear to God, I'm going to kill him

With my bare hands, if necessary

Then they can do what they like with me

Trouble with the world nowadays,

nobody does anything about anything

Victor tried, God knows

And look where it got him

It's all speed and greed

And he's probably better out of it

The pain is still raw, Mrs Meldrew I can see that

And how can I say I wouldn't feel the same
in your shoes,

but the measure of our strength as human beings

is the goodness in our hearts

One day, as impossible as it seems right now,
I pray that you'll find that strength

Strength to forgive

(BOARD CREAKING)

(LOUD MUSIC AND CHATTERING)

(INAUDIBLE)

I'd watch that chair, sir It's a bit unreliable

Are you here for the Lea Valley Dairies reunion?

Yes I'm afraid I'm a bit on the late side,
to be honest

What with all the trains being up the creek
and everything But

Right, well, I've got a couple of messages
for you here

A Mr Tom Jones rang,

to say unfortunately, there's been some
heavy flooding up on the Welsh coast tonight

Apparently, a male voice choir
was swept out to sea

-And the roads are all impassable, so
-Oh, what a shame

Herbert Stranks is stuck in traffic on the M6

and doesn't think he'll be able to get here
this side of Christmas

Alex Bendricks is really sorry,
but he's had to fly to Hamburg

on business at the last minute

And Bob Loft has decided it's too far to drive
with his kidneys

Right, I won't be seeing any of them this even

Albert Triplejoy has had to stay at home
because his roof has collapsed

Walter Gook called to say his pacemaker's
been recalled by the manufacturer

due to a lethal design fault

Mr Briddock Limpy Briddock?

Has had to work overtime, so he's not sure
what time he'll be able to make it

And this one Cheryl took down
I'm not sure I can read her writing

Derek Baker, is it?

Has got to go and visit his daughter
who's recovering from either a Caesarean section

or a Caesar salad

A bald transvestite

Isn't that everybody
who was supposed to be coming?

Hang on, sir I'll just check for you

Yes, it is

Dinner is served at 9:00,
if you'd like to cast your eye over our menu there

-Or it could be blood transfusion
-Right

So, I suppose

Limpy Briddock might still show up
if he can get away in time

and I haven't seen him for 35 years

Oh, yes, I'm sure he'll be here well in time
for the cabaret, sir

I expect

Cabaret?

Okay, so just to get you in the mood

and hopefully to stir a few of those
lovely memories of times you've shared together,

here are some sounds of the '60s

♪ Purple haze was in my brain

♪ Lately things don't seem the same

♪ Acting funny, but I don't know why

♪ Excuse me while I kiss the sky

♪ Well, God said to Abraham, ''Kill me a son''

♪ Abe said, ''Man, you must be putting me on''

♪ God said, ''No''

♪ Abe said, ''What?''

♪ God said, ''You can do what you want, Abe, but

♪ ''The next time you see me coming,
you better run''

♪ Well, Abe said,
''Where do you want this killing done?''

♪ God say, ''Out on Highway 61 '' ♪

-Thank you
-Thank you Goodbye

VICTOR: Yes
A complete and utter disaster as usual

Look, I don't want to miss the train
It's supposed to get in at 1 2:35, so

Alright Yes, I'll see you then

No, no, no, of course it wasn't your fault

Anyway, it's over now, so

Okay, bye

Things can only get better

''Dear Mrs Holloway,

''last Monday morning,
the oldest of our giant tortoises, Erasmus,

''died, aged 1 1 9

''Knowing how fond of him Michael was,
we have put together this small keepsake

''for you in the workshop

''The inside being fully scraped out
and sealed with resin

''So, you can use it to store napkins

''or maybe just grow some form of trailing plant''

Do you know,
I have never met anyone else in my life

who goes through all this

How on earth did it happen, Glynis?

In the middle of hell,
how did we manage to find each other?

If we're talking about miracles

What? What is it? Is it another migraine?

Oh, it'll pass if I just rest my eyes for a bit

Yes, or more likely get worse

Let me get you some Paracetamol or something

I could murder some more of that fruit juice

Oh, that's lovely

Thanks

Oh, dear God

Oh, Margaret

Margaret

What can I say?

What can I possibly say?

I was driving too fast

Of course I was

The hospital had rung up that night

to say that Michael might not

And I was just

I mean, I should never have been on the road

I pulled up.

I swear.

I would've gone back,
if I hadn't seen your car coming.

What could I do?

I mean, by that time

What could I have done?

And to have to live with all that
on top of losing Michael

''Tomorrow, I'll tell her''

Every night, I have prayed to God
for the strength, but

I had to find you

You might have needed help, money,

shoulder to cry on

Maybe,

just a friend

I am so sorry

# Well it's all right

# Riding around in the breeze

# Well it's all right

# If you live the life you please

# Well it's all right

# Doing the best you can

# Well it's all right

#As long as you lend a hand

# You can sit around
and wait for the phone to ring

# Waiting for someone to tell you everything

# Sit around and wonder what tomorrow will bring

# Maybe a diamond ring

# Well it's all right

# Even if they say you're wrong

# Well it's all right

# Sometimes you gotta be strong

# Well it's all right

#As long as you got somewhere to lay

# Well it's all right

# Everyday is Judgement Day

# Maybe somewhere down the road aways

# You'll think of me
and wonder where I am these days

# Maybe somewhere
down the road when somebody plays

# Purple haze

# Well it's all right

# Even when push comes to shove

# Well it's all right

# If you got someone to love

# Well it's all right

# Everything'll work out fine

# Well it's all right

# We're going to the end of the line

# Don't have to be ashamed of the car I drive

# I'm just glad to be here, happy to be alive

# It don't matter if you're by my side

# I'm satisfied

# Well it's all right

# Even if you're old and grey

# Well it's all right

# You still got something to say

# Well it's all right

# Remember to live and let live

# Well it's all right

# The best you can do is forgive

# Well it's all right

# Riding around in the breeze

# Well it's all right

# If you live the life you please

# Well it's all right

# Even if the sun don't shine

# Well it's all right

# We're going to the end of the line #

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