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1
00:00:04,046 --> 00:00:06,289
Speaking Italian...
2
00:00:07,671 --> 00:00:09,585
Speaking Italian...
3
00:00:20,224 --> 00:00:22,063
We're taking
a four-week bicycle trip
4
00:00:22,141 --> 00:00:23,610
through the vineyards
of Italy!
5
00:00:23,688 --> 00:00:25,735
We figure that this summer,
our whole lives
6
00:00:25,813 --> 00:00:27,131
are gonna be
turned upside-down
7
00:00:27,213 --> 00:00:30,634
when Haley, Dylan, and
their twins move in with us,
8
00:00:30,716 --> 00:00:33,822
so why not splurge
on a grandbaby-moon?
9
00:00:33,904 --> 00:00:35,539
So we've been hitting
the language tapes,
10
00:00:35,621 --> 00:00:37,459
the, uh...
The stationary bikes,
11
00:00:37,541 --> 00:00:40,016
and a couple of times a day,
I wolfishly whistle at Claire
12
00:00:40,094 --> 00:00:42,868
to prepare her for
that timeless Roman charm.
13
00:00:43,847 --> 00:00:46,532
I can't believe after all
those nights at Fratelli's
14
00:00:46,610 --> 00:00:47,805
talking about
going to Italy,
15
00:00:47,883 --> 00:00:49,253
it's actually
happening.
16
00:00:49,335 --> 00:00:51,589
Ohh, American lady!
17
00:00:51,671 --> 00:00:53,442
Why do you
do this to me?
18
00:00:53,524 --> 00:00:55,877
Don't make me practice
my slap on you again. Mm.
19
00:00:55,959 --> 00:00:56,999
What's that?
20
00:00:57,076 --> 00:00:58,729
Oh, I'm on hold.
I'm booking us
21
00:00:58,811 --> 00:01:01,117
into a converted castle
in Tuscany
22
00:01:01,199 --> 00:01:03,000
for our anniversary.
Does it have a moat?
23
00:01:03,082 --> 00:01:05,621
I've been working on all
of our receipts for taxes.
24
00:01:05,703 --> 00:01:06,909
Looks like we're getting
a refund,
25
00:01:06,986 --> 00:01:08,657
which means that
we can afford to...
26
00:01:08,739 --> 00:01:10,346
To pay the dwarf who will
lower the drawbridge
27
00:01:10,423 --> 00:01:12,009
if we answer
his riddles three?
28
00:01:12,091 --> 00:01:14,363
I'm gonna nip this
in the bud. No moat.
29
00:01:14,445 --> 00:01:16,280
This trip was
such a great idea.
30
00:01:16,362 --> 00:01:18,300
Oh, I know.
Ah. Mwah!
31
00:01:18,382 --> 00:01:20,275
Things are gonna be so hectic
here this summer. Mm-hmm.
32
00:01:20,352 --> 00:01:21,885
It's weird to think
people will be calling us.
33
00:01:21,930 --> 00:01:23,548
Grandpa and...
No, please don't say it.
34
00:01:23,626 --> 00:01:25,874
Don't say that word.
It makes me feel so old.
35
00:01:25,956 --> 00:01:28,040
But I have thought about
what I want them to call me.
36
00:01:28,626 --> 00:01:30,477
- Gammy.
- Gammy.
37
00:01:30,641 --> 00:01:31,993
Well, let's take her
for a spin.
38
00:01:32,071 --> 00:01:33,824
"Hey, everyone,
Gammy's here!"
39
00:01:33,965 --> 00:01:36,575
"Sorry, guys, not today,
Gammy's in a mood."
40
00:01:36,653 --> 00:01:38,639
Yeah, it does.
It works. Mm. Yeah.
41
00:01:38,784 --> 00:01:40,876
- Hey, roomies.
- Hey... "Roomies"?
42
00:01:40,954 --> 00:01:42,974
What is with all the boxes
and the bags?
43
00:01:43,052 --> 00:01:45,430
Well, I know we said we'd
move in when the babies come,
44
00:01:45,508 --> 00:01:47,744
but then we thought about
all the money we'd save.
45
00:01:47,830 --> 00:01:49,735
- Mucho dinero.
- Mm.
46
00:01:50,114 --> 00:01:51,227
- Yes.
- You look mad.
47
00:01:51,305 --> 00:01:52,925
I should've told you.
I was afraid to tell you.
48
00:01:53,002 --> 00:01:54,890
I didn't think that I could
handle the disappointment
49
00:01:54,967 --> 00:01:56,291
if you weren't happy about it.
50
00:01:56,368 --> 00:01:57,938
But you're not unhappy
about it, right?
51
00:01:58,016 --> 00:01:59,621
Right?!
Oh, honey. Oh, honey.
52
00:01:59,699 --> 00:02:02,286
Oh, my gosh, you're the best.
I love you so much.
53
00:02:03,795 --> 00:02:06,141
Wow! What a journey.
54
00:02:06,423 --> 00:02:08,845
What is my life gonna be like
when I'm in the hormonal stage?
55
00:02:08,924 --> 00:02:10,096
Oh, wait, there was
one more thing, um...
56
00:02:10,173 --> 00:02:11,938
Hey, where should I
put these boxes?
57
00:02:12,016 --> 00:02:13,604
My mom surprised us.
We were hoping
58
00:02:13,686 --> 00:02:14,923
she could stay
a couple days.
59
00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:17,672
Hello, hello!
60
00:02:17,789 --> 00:02:20,035
Well, it's about time
we officially met,
61
00:02:20,149 --> 00:02:22,901
considering our DNA is
already swirling around
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00:02:22,979 --> 00:02:25,712
in Haley's womb.
63
00:02:25,831 --> 00:02:26,868
Phil.
64
00:02:26,950 --> 00:02:28,537
- Oh, hey.
- Mwah.
65
00:02:28,615 --> 00:02:29,633
- Claire.
- Oh, hi.
66
00:02:30,708 --> 00:02:32,346
I'm Farrah.
Hi, Farrah.
67
00:02:32,452 --> 00:02:35,096
- You look so familiar.
- Well, I meet a lot of people
68
00:02:35,174 --> 00:02:37,023
with my work in
the protest movement.
69
00:02:37,262 --> 00:02:40,016
Oh, did you participate in
the Ivory is Murder Fun Run?
70
00:02:40,168 --> 00:02:42,870
- Not that I recall.
- Sweetheart, why don't you show Farrah
71
00:02:42,948 --> 00:02:44,724
- where she will be sleeping.
- Oh, no,
72
00:02:44,802 --> 00:02:46,537
I just need
two weight-bearing hooks
73
00:02:46,619 --> 00:02:48,054
spaced seven feet apart.
74
00:02:48,132 --> 00:02:49,966
This kimono converts
to a hammock.
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00:02:50,059 --> 00:02:51,059
Ah.
76
00:02:51,141 --> 00:02:53,129
- Pronto!
- Italy!
77
00:02:53,211 --> 00:02:54,367
- They answered! Where's the phone?
- Oh! Oh, no, no, no.
78
00:02:54,445 --> 00:02:55,625
- Where's the phone?
- I got it, right here.
79
00:02:55,703 --> 00:02:57,492
- You got it? Get it.
- Yeah. Oh!
80
00:02:57,570 --> 00:02:59,422
Oh! Oh, buddy,
I'm so sorry.
81
00:02:59,500 --> 00:03:00,618
- Let me get you some ice.
- Damn it!
82
00:03:00,695 --> 00:03:02,882
No, no, don't worry.
I brought magnets.
83
00:03:04,303 --> 00:03:06,071
Is that the way she treats
all head injuries?
84
00:03:06,156 --> 00:03:07,424
Because I've got
a theory.
85
00:03:08,085 --> 00:03:10,190
Captions by VITAC...
86
00:03:10,479 --> 00:03:12,691
Captioning Provided by 20th Century
Fox Television and ABC, Inc.
87
00:03:12,768 --> 00:03:14,741
And brought to you by Ford.
Going further, so you can.
88
00:03:14,819 --> 00:03:16,491
Sync corrections by srjanapala
89
00:03:16,593 --> 00:03:17,836
*MODERN FAMILY*
Season 10 Episode 12
90
00:03:17,914 --> 00:03:19,454
Episode Title :
"Blast From The Past".
91
00:03:20,537 --> 00:03:22,089
Sync corrections by srjanapala
92
00:03:22,167 --> 00:03:24,878
I want to give these old toys
to Haley's babies.
93
00:03:25,012 --> 00:03:27,583
Oh, Joe,
that's so sweet!
94
00:03:27,665 --> 00:03:30,754
Now I have room in the closet
for my lizard.
95
00:03:30,836 --> 00:03:32,902
Lizard? I thought
that you were just
96
00:03:32,980 --> 00:03:34,628
going to the pet shop
to look.
97
00:03:34,706 --> 00:03:36,394
I can't say no
to that face.
98
00:03:36,472 --> 00:03:38,628
You're gonna have to be
bad cop 'til puberty,
99
00:03:38,706 --> 00:03:40,135
you know, when
the Pritchett Adam's apple
100
00:03:40,213 --> 00:03:41,730
and fuzz-stache
show up.
101
00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:45,177
Manny, you should also
give something for the twins.
102
00:03:45,259 --> 00:03:47,097
You both
are gonna be uncles.
103
00:03:47,179 --> 00:03:49,967
That's a very proud tradition
in our family.
104
00:03:50,049 --> 00:03:52,902
That's right, Joe.
Our great-great Uncle Alvaro
105
00:03:52,984 --> 00:03:54,949
was a famous South American
freedom fighter.
106
00:03:55,027 --> 00:03:56,955
You're kidding?
My Great Uncle Erasmus
107
00:03:57,037 --> 00:03:58,341
was a hero
at the Alamo.
108
00:03:58,423 --> 00:04:00,331
We're four sentences away
from realizing
109
00:04:00,409 --> 00:04:01,800
they killed
each other, right?
110
00:04:01,995 --> 00:04:03,846
Joe, next week,
you have to go
111
00:04:03,924 --> 00:04:05,181
to school dressed
as a hero.
112
00:04:05,279 --> 00:04:07,332
Why don't you dress
as Uncle Alvaro?
113
00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:08,948
Or Uncle Erasmus.
114
00:04:09,107 --> 00:04:10,721
Ay, Jay, that's cute,
115
00:04:10,879 --> 00:04:13,800
but Alvaro was not
only a war hero.
116
00:04:13,878 --> 00:04:16,252
He was
a celebrated matador,
117
00:04:16,378 --> 00:04:18,865
Frida Kahlo's
tango instructor,
118
00:04:19,010 --> 00:04:21,380
two-time winner
of the Bogota Herald
119
00:04:21,462 --> 00:04:24,182
cartoon caption contest.
120
00:04:24,260 --> 00:04:26,471
No disrespect, but I don't
think he was fit to shine.
121
00:04:26,549 --> 00:04:28,420
Erasmus J. Pritchett's
boots,
122
00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:32,491
which, incidentally, were made
by a 9-foot Texas diamondback
123
00:04:32,573 --> 00:04:36,127
he stomped to death while
arm-wrestling Davy Crockett.
124
00:04:36,205 --> 00:04:37,943
Did he kill
all his clothes?
125
00:04:38,063 --> 00:04:40,112
He sure did. Come upstairs.
I'll show you.
126
00:04:40,206 --> 00:04:42,424
I got a ring of his
with a tooth in it
127
00:04:42,502 --> 00:04:44,346
he punched
out of a puma.
128
00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:46,628
Jay does this
all the time.
129
00:04:46,706 --> 00:04:49,045
He disrespects our heritage
and inflates his own.
130
00:04:49,123 --> 00:04:51,592
I mean, I'm not buying
this Uncle Erasmus guy at all.
131
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:53,112
I say we do
a little digging.
132
00:04:53,194 --> 00:04:56,966
Yes! We can be like
Inspector Tortuga,
133
00:04:57,048 --> 00:04:59,184
the turtle detective
in Uncle Alvaro's
134
00:04:59,266 --> 00:05:01,205
popular
children's book.
135
00:05:01,283 --> 00:05:05,824
He was always very slowly
solving crimes.
136
00:05:06,054 --> 00:05:09,608
Turns out Jay's Uncle Erasmus
did live in Texas in the 1830s,
137
00:05:09,686 --> 00:05:11,027
but not much
was written about him.
138
00:05:17,625 --> 00:05:19,117
Gretchen.
Manuel.
139
00:05:19,195 --> 00:05:20,633
Again,
I'm so sorry abou...
140
00:05:20,711 --> 00:05:22,439
You'll have to return these
within two weeks.
141
00:05:22,516 --> 00:05:24,414
Unlike my phone calls!
142
00:05:25,247 --> 00:05:26,617
Señor.
143
00:05:26,832 --> 00:05:29,502
We had to dig deeper,
and since history
144
00:05:29,580 --> 00:05:31,742
is written
by the victors...
145
00:05:33,752 --> 00:05:35,219
Muchas gracias.
146
00:05:35,297 --> 00:05:36,914
I brought my own.
147
00:05:37,197 --> 00:05:39,395
Mexican sources
had a bit more to say
148
00:05:39,473 --> 00:05:42,555
about his actual involvement
in the Alamo.
149
00:05:45,922 --> 00:05:48,000
Okay.
Oh, really?
150
00:05:48,078 --> 00:05:50,516
You want to give away
the very first Gucci hoodie
151
00:05:50,594 --> 00:05:52,908
- I ever bought our daughter?
- Okay, "first Gucci"
152
00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:55,407
is why our retirement planner
fired us as clients.
153
00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:57,694
Also, Haley and Dylan
are having twins, okay?
154
00:05:57,776 --> 00:05:59,115
They really need this stuff.
I know.
155
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:01,281
I-I-I still can't believe
she's pregnant.
156
00:06:01,359 --> 00:06:03,586
Although... I know you're
about to say something catty.
157
00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:04,539
You're practically
purring.
158
00:06:04,617 --> 00:06:07,474
Wasn't Claire a bit "fun"
in her 20s?
159
00:06:07,552 --> 00:06:09,032
You know, we have
a saying back home...
160
00:06:09,109 --> 00:06:11,713
"The crawdad don't skitter
far from its crick."
161
00:06:11,828 --> 00:06:13,490
Okay, you're clutching
a Dolce & Gabbana onesie...
162
00:06:13,567 --> 00:06:14,645
Decide who you are.
163
00:06:14,723 --> 00:06:16,518
And, by the way,
it's not like your family
164
00:06:16,596 --> 00:06:18,465
doesn't have a wayward
streak, okay?
165
00:06:18,543 --> 00:06:20,387
Pam's not exactly
responsible.
166
00:06:20,465 --> 00:06:22,583
Oh, I'm sorry.
Could an irresponsible woman
167
00:06:22,661 --> 00:06:24,763
win her prison's "Most Improved
Wrestler" award?
168
00:06:24,841 --> 00:06:25,934
Okay, let's just admit
169
00:06:26,034 --> 00:06:28,237
we have wild women on both
sides of the family.
170
00:06:28,315 --> 00:06:30,457
Oh, God.
Maybe it's good
171
00:06:30,535 --> 00:06:32,286
Lily wasn't saddled
with those genes.
172
00:06:32,364 --> 00:06:33,645
She sure wasn't.
If anything,
173
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:36,215
I'm worried she acts a little
young for her age.
174
00:06:36,293 --> 00:06:38,470
I mean, isn't 11
a little too old
175
00:06:38,548 --> 00:06:40,801
for these unicorns and
teddy bears and...
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00:06:40,879 --> 00:06:43,161
My...
Playgirl?
177
00:06:43,325 --> 00:06:45,312
Oh! Oh, God.
178
00:06:45,390 --> 00:06:46,451
Where...
Where did she get that?
179
00:06:46,528 --> 00:06:48,832
I didn't even know
they still made these.
180
00:06:48,993 --> 00:06:51,348
Although it's heartening print
media isn't completely dead.
181
00:06:51,430 --> 00:06:52,364
Okay, you're
getting off track.
182
00:06:52,442 --> 00:06:54,809
Our daughter is looking
at naked men.
183
00:06:54,887 --> 00:06:56,807
I know. We're gonna have
to talk to her about it.
184
00:06:56,887 --> 00:06:58,293
You know, my parents
never talked to me
185
00:06:58,370 --> 00:06:59,638
about anything sexual.
186
00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,340
They just sent me
to the stables
187
00:07:01,422 --> 00:07:02,684
when the horses
were breeding,
188
00:07:02,762 --> 00:07:05,631
and wow, did that create some
unreasonable expectations.
189
00:07:10,181 --> 00:07:12,387
No way!
Who told her that?
190
00:07:12,465 --> 00:07:14,536
She... Uh-oh.
191
00:07:14,614 --> 00:07:17,262
The dads have their faces on.
See you at the sleepover.
192
00:07:17,340 --> 00:07:18,786
- Hey!
- Hey!
193
00:07:18,864 --> 00:07:20,958
So, listen, we need to talk
to you about something.
194
00:07:21,036 --> 00:07:22,059
We, uh...
We found a...
195
00:07:22,137 --> 00:07:23,622
- A magazine in your room.
- Whoa!
196
00:07:23,700 --> 00:07:25,988
There's nothing
to be embarrassed about.
197
00:07:26,066 --> 00:07:28,093
Oh, God, no, not at all.
You're... You're going through
198
00:07:28,170 --> 00:07:30,160
a very exciting period
of... of change
199
00:07:30,340 --> 00:07:33,011
- and... and hormones. And And...
- And, um, urges.
200
00:07:33,166 --> 00:07:34,186
Got it.
Solid parenting.
201
00:07:34,268 --> 00:07:35,307
- See you tomorrow.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
202
00:07:35,384 --> 00:07:36,475
No, no, no.
Sweetheart. Come on.
203
00:07:36,552 --> 00:07:38,129
I-I-I know this is
uncomfortable, but...
204
00:07:38,207 --> 00:07:40,301
You shouldn't be ashamed
about wondering
205
00:07:40,379 --> 00:07:41,713
or being curious
about sex.
206
00:07:41,817 --> 00:07:43,789
You know,
the mingling of bodies
207
00:07:43,887 --> 00:07:46,238
can be a beautiful
expression of love.
208
00:07:46,316 --> 00:07:48,613
Stop! They have classes about
this in school,
209
00:07:48,691 --> 00:07:50,427
and if you don't want me looking
at magazines like that,
210
00:07:50,504 --> 00:07:52,082
don't leave them
on the sofa!
211
00:07:52,856 --> 00:07:54,394
The sofa? How did...
212
00:07:54,472 --> 00:07:55,807
- How did it get on the sofa?
- I don't know.
213
00:07:55,884 --> 00:07:57,622
I don't...
Ah, the babysitter.
214
00:07:57,705 --> 00:07:59,993
Or, you know, Haley,
or... or Pam, or Claire.
215
00:08:00,083 --> 00:08:02,385
We were just talking about
how perverted they are.
216
00:08:02,463 --> 00:08:05,668
Wait a minute.
This is from 1997.
217
00:08:06,133 --> 00:08:08,707
And David Duchovny's
on the cover.
218
00:08:08,874 --> 00:08:11,835
Didn't you have a thing
for David Duchovny?
219
00:08:11,913 --> 00:08:14,559
Why... Wha... I don't even
know who that is.
220
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:17,457
He was on the... you know,
the cheesy sci-fi show,
221
00:08:17,535 --> 00:08:20,410
the, uh... What was it?
"The X-Files" or something?
222
00:08:20,488 --> 00:08:22,936
You know, kind of
a dumbed-down "Men in Black"?
223
00:08:23,073 --> 00:08:24,454
They had that saying,
you know?
224
00:08:24,532 --> 00:08:26,613
Saying was, "The truth is...
up there"?
225
00:08:26,691 --> 00:08:28,560
You know damn well it's
"The truth is out there"!
226
00:08:28,637 --> 00:08:30,020
Don't...
Don't you crinkle it.
227
00:08:30,098 --> 00:08:32,402
Why do you have
a 20-year-old nudie mag?
228
00:08:32,495 --> 00:08:34,190
Agent Mulder meant
a lot to me, okay?
229
00:08:34,268 --> 00:08:36,073
He was brooding
and handsome
230
00:08:36,151 --> 00:08:38,651
and obsessed with an uptight
yet sexy redhead.
231
00:08:38,729 --> 00:08:40,504
Yeah, well, guess what.
You wouldn't have had a chance
232
00:08:40,581 --> 00:08:41,879
with David Duchovny
because, look.
233
00:08:41,956 --> 00:08:43,276
One of his turn-offs
234
00:08:43,354 --> 00:08:45,189
is "dishonest people."
235
00:08:45,395 --> 00:08:47,721
And why is it just lying
around the house?
236
00:08:47,799 --> 00:08:49,212
I was bringing
the trash bins
237
00:08:49,290 --> 00:08:50,581
into the garage
the other day,
238
00:08:50,659 --> 00:08:52,706
and I noticed an old box
of my stuff.
239
00:08:52,791 --> 00:08:55,119
I got nostalgic, and I decided
to flip through it.
240
00:08:55,203 --> 00:08:57,442
Wait, garbage day? L-Last Wednesday?
Yeah.
241
00:08:57,520 --> 00:08:59,550
The day we opened
the bottle of Merlot,
242
00:08:59,628 --> 00:09:00,565
took it back to the bedroom,
243
00:09:00,643 --> 00:09:02,496
and had a rather spectacular...
session?
244
00:09:02,574 --> 00:09:04,579
- Uh, was it that night?
- Oh, please,
245
00:09:04,657 --> 00:09:06,639
it was the first time in years
I'd seen your eyes
246
00:09:06,717 --> 00:09:08,035
roll back in your head
without irony.
247
00:09:08,112 --> 00:09:09,952
Well, excuse me if I am
attracted to you.
248
00:09:10,030 --> 00:09:12,065
Except it wasn't
just me, was it?
249
00:09:12,162 --> 00:09:13,597
There were three of us
in that bed.
250
00:09:13,675 --> 00:09:15,740
I sent you a dozen roses
the next day.
251
00:09:15,818 --> 00:09:18,440
Apparently, I should've sent six
to David Duchovny.
252
00:09:18,518 --> 00:09:19,956
Oh, come on!
253
00:09:20,034 --> 00:09:21,847
So what?
I got a little extra worked up
254
00:09:21,925 --> 00:09:23,300
after looking
at a sexy picture.
255
00:09:23,378 --> 00:09:24,648
People do it
all the time.
256
00:09:24,726 --> 00:09:27,385
Pepper said it's the only reason
he buys Brawny paper towels.
257
00:09:27,463 --> 00:09:29,943
So, I guess I'm weird for
wanting to purely connect
258
00:09:30,021 --> 00:09:32,315
with you on
an emotional level.
259
00:09:32,588 --> 00:09:34,268
Know what?
I'm going to the gym.
260
00:09:34,371 --> 00:09:36,076
And good news,
David Duchovny.
261
00:09:36,174 --> 00:09:38,307
You're not gonna be alone
on the sofa tonight.
262
00:09:42,384 --> 00:09:44,150
Can you please
hand me my iPod?
263
00:09:44,228 --> 00:09:45,566
You've robbed me
of my dignity.
264
00:09:45,644 --> 00:09:48,158
You will not also rob me
of my glorious exit.
265
00:09:48,293 --> 00:09:49,408
Thank you!
266
00:09:51,251 --> 00:09:52,485
There you go, buddy.
267
00:09:52,563 --> 00:09:54,468
Now you look
like a real hero.
268
00:09:54,546 --> 00:09:57,149
I don't think I'm allowed
to bring a knife to school.
269
00:09:57,227 --> 00:09:58,446
It's not
sharp at all.
270
00:09:58,524 --> 00:10:00,495
And neither,
apparently, are you.
271
00:10:00,573 --> 00:10:01,946
I told you if we waited
a few minutes
272
00:10:02,023 --> 00:10:03,343
he'd give us
a delicious segue.
273
00:10:03,421 --> 00:10:05,541
Your uncle
Erasmus Pritchett
274
00:10:05,619 --> 00:10:07,657
was a hero
at the Alamo...
275
00:10:07,888 --> 00:10:09,143
but for
the other side.
276
00:10:09,221 --> 00:10:11,119
Yeah, he hid in a closet
during the fighting,
277
00:10:11,197 --> 00:10:12,718
then stole a dress
and escaped
278
00:10:12,796 --> 00:10:14,111
by pretending to be
a prostitute.
279
00:10:14,189 --> 00:10:15,682
What?!
I don't believe you.
280
00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:17,861
These are official
church documents.
281
00:10:17,939 --> 00:10:21,549
In this part, it says that
he traded military secrets
282
00:10:21,627 --> 00:10:23,298
for rum
and a new corset.
283
00:10:23,435 --> 00:10:25,997
"To this day, in Nuevo Laredo,
'to Erasmus'
284
00:10:26,075 --> 00:10:28,236
means 'to cry facedown
on the ground.'"
285
00:10:28,352 --> 00:10:30,986
There's a picture
of him cringing.
286
00:10:32,122 --> 00:10:35,033
I can't believe I named
my lizard Erasmus.
287
00:10:35,161 --> 00:10:36,830
It was wartime, Joe!
288
00:10:36,908 --> 00:10:39,964
We can't judge a man who has
lived through that kind of hell.
289
00:10:40,042 --> 00:10:41,330
He spent
his post-war years
290
00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:43,471
spreading the gospel
of vegetarianism.
291
00:10:43,549 --> 00:10:45,103
I have no uncle.
292
00:10:47,861 --> 00:10:50,205
Oh.
This homeopathic remedy
293
00:10:50,283 --> 00:10:52,588
is really gonna help Haley
with morning sickness.
294
00:10:52,666 --> 00:10:54,424
Uh-huh. I got the
recipe from a doula
295
00:10:54,502 --> 00:10:55,838
I met in an Uber pool.
296
00:10:55,916 --> 00:10:57,144
Well, you were right
about one thing.
297
00:10:57,221 --> 00:10:58,674
It does...
It does smell like
298
00:10:58,752 --> 00:11:00,674
a buffalo that was
struck by lightning.
299
00:11:00,820 --> 00:11:02,908
When... When are you heading
back up to Oregon?
300
00:11:02,986 --> 00:11:04,580
Oh, I'm done
with that place.
301
00:11:04,721 --> 00:11:06,127
Oldest story in the world.
302
00:11:06,205 --> 00:11:08,627
You know, I thought I found
a nice guy, then one morning,
303
00:11:08,705 --> 00:11:10,439
he up and tells me
he's found six new women.
304
00:11:10,517 --> 00:11:12,830
- Mm.
- I'm done with Bhagwans.
305
00:11:13,146 --> 00:11:15,221
Coming back
as Dylan's mother?
306
00:11:15,310 --> 00:11:16,775
Not funny, Mom.
307
00:11:16,964 --> 00:11:18,649
Not funny at all!
308
00:11:19,416 --> 00:11:21,713
Buddy, are you sure
you're okay?
309
00:11:21,791 --> 00:11:23,010
Trust me,
I'm a nurse.
310
00:11:23,088 --> 00:11:25,768
By now there'd be clear signs
if I had a concursion.
311
00:11:29,784 --> 00:11:31,404
Gosh, your mom
looks familiar.
312
00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:33,136
She used to do
a little modeling.
313
00:11:33,214 --> 00:11:34,715
Recently, she had
her likeness stolen
314
00:11:34,793 --> 00:11:37,302
for one of those
"Freeze-the-Fat" billboards.
315
00:11:41,043 --> 00:11:43,794
Dylan's Mom was the hot chick
316
00:11:43,872 --> 00:11:46,145
in the "Sex Kitty" music video.
317
00:11:46,223 --> 00:11:48,725
♪ Sex kitty ♪
318
00:11:48,810 --> 00:11:51,449
♪ Sexy kitty ♪
319
00:11:51,538 --> 00:11:53,525
♪ Sex kitty ♪
320
00:11:53,603 --> 00:11:54,935
♪ Se... ♪
321
00:11:55,197 --> 00:11:56,565
The songwriting isn't perfect,
322
00:11:56,643 --> 00:11:59,919
but this video
changed everything.
323
00:12:00,396 --> 00:12:02,052
♪ Ow! ♪
324
00:12:02,130 --> 00:12:04,268
♪ Sex kitty, se... ♪
325
00:12:04,871 --> 00:12:07,099
Those bikes don't
live there, do they?
326
00:12:07,177 --> 00:12:09,479
'Cause that is an ideal
north-facing spot
327
00:12:09,557 --> 00:12:10,825
for a birthing tub.
328
00:12:10,903 --> 00:12:12,474
I wasn't aware
that Haley
329
00:12:12,552 --> 00:12:14,099
was considering
a home birth.
330
00:12:14,177 --> 00:12:16,630
Oh, I wasn't, but then Farrah
really opened up my eyes
331
00:12:16,708 --> 00:12:18,653
to the birth-industrial
complex.
332
00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:20,641
You know, this room
is kind of vibrating
333
00:12:20,719 --> 00:12:22,306
with ancient wounds.
334
00:12:22,384 --> 00:12:24,455
- Let's sage the area.
- Okay.
335
00:12:24,533 --> 00:12:26,796
Dylan, honey, do you think
you could grab that fan
336
00:12:26,874 --> 00:12:28,761
and maybe de-funk
the kitchen a little?
337
00:12:28,865 --> 00:12:30,411
Oh, my God.
338
00:12:30,687 --> 00:12:34,044
Is, uh... Is Dylan's mom
at all familiar to you?
339
00:12:34,122 --> 00:12:36,833
Yes! Thank God
you noticed it, too.
340
00:12:36,978 --> 00:12:39,520
I can't believe that is gonna be
in our life on a regular basis.
341
00:12:39,598 --> 00:12:41,755
I know. She's been driving me
kind of crazy
342
00:12:41,833 --> 00:12:42,919
since I was a kid.
343
00:12:42,997 --> 00:12:44,661
Do you know how many nights
I went to bed
344
00:12:44,739 --> 00:12:46,978
screaming her name
into a pillow?
345
00:12:47,154 --> 00:12:48,355
Go on.
346
00:12:49,497 --> 00:12:51,927
- She broke it!
- No, you broke it!
347
00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:54,426
Girls, it's fine!
Also, who are you?
348
00:12:54,526 --> 00:12:56,434
Oh, I get my stepdaughters
once a month
349
00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:58,942
when my ex-wife's on rotation
with the National Guard.
350
00:12:59,020 --> 00:13:01,505
Mm. Girls, be careful with
the chinchilla, okay?
351
00:13:01,583 --> 00:13:02,903
You know he has
a nervous bowel.
352
00:13:02,981 --> 00:13:05,372
- Hi, girls!
- Gammy!
353
00:13:05,615 --> 00:13:06,833
Gammy?
354
00:13:06,924 --> 00:13:08,031
The girls
call you Gammy?
355
00:13:08,116 --> 00:13:09,397
That's funny,
because I was hoping
356
00:13:09,474 --> 00:13:11,227
when Haley's twins
came along,
357
00:13:11,305 --> 00:13:12,612
they might
call me that.
358
00:13:12,690 --> 00:13:14,745
Oh, well,
that might be confusing.
359
00:13:14,823 --> 00:13:16,698
- But maybe you could be something else.
- Hm.
360
00:13:16,776 --> 00:13:18,737
How about "Gaga"?
Maybe we don't have to lock
361
00:13:18,815 --> 00:13:19,947
anything down right now.
362
00:13:20,025 --> 00:13:22,260
Oh, my God.
I love it!
363
00:13:22,338 --> 00:13:24,213
Hey, Gaga!
364
00:13:24,291 --> 00:13:26,698
- Squeaker's loose! Get him!
- Aah!
365
00:13:28,681 --> 00:13:29,882
I'll get him!
366
00:13:34,173 --> 00:13:35,625
Do you see it, Phil? What?!
367
00:13:35,754 --> 00:13:37,190
No, I didn't
see anything, so...
368
00:13:37,268 --> 00:13:38,329
- Aah!
- Oh!
369
00:13:38,407 --> 00:13:40,837
- Ooh!
- I'm so sorry, D!
370
00:13:40,995 --> 00:13:42,079
If you weren't
my hero,
371
00:13:42,157 --> 00:13:43,891
I'd wonder if you're
doing this on purpose!
372
00:13:43,969 --> 00:13:45,240
Oh, my God, Dad!
373
00:13:45,318 --> 00:13:46,919
What's wrong
with him, Mom?
374
00:13:47,173 --> 00:13:48,915
- Mom?
- Claire?
375
00:13:49,196 --> 00:13:50,477
Gaga?
376
00:13:56,037 --> 00:13:58,219
Hey, handsome,
this seat taken?
377
00:13:58,297 --> 00:13:59,431
Hey, what are you
doing here?
378
00:13:59,509 --> 00:14:01,114
Well, I brought you
a smoothie, although,
379
00:14:01,248 --> 00:14:02,550
you don't need it
because you're already
380
00:14:02,627 --> 00:14:05,618
100% fruity
deliciousness.
381
00:14:05,696 --> 00:14:06,782
Maybe I just
get right to it.
382
00:14:06,859 --> 00:14:08,571
Look, Mitchell, I appreciate.
383
00:14:08,649 --> 00:14:10,226
- No, no, listen.
- What you're doing...
384
00:14:10,303 --> 00:14:11,602
Lily's at
a sleepover tonight,
385
00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:13,501
so I got us a suite
386
00:14:13,584 --> 00:14:15,423
at Whispers Resort
and Spa.
387
00:14:15,839 --> 00:14:17,696
Isn't that the place, uh,
Jen Aniston goes to
388
00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:19,061
- after her divorces?
- Yes.
389
00:14:19,139 --> 00:14:21,889
And I'm sorry about
the silly Playgirl thing.
390
00:14:22,088 --> 00:14:24,357
I-I want you to feel
what I feel every day.
391
00:14:24,526 --> 00:14:26,491
That you only
have eyes for me.
392
00:14:28,115 --> 00:14:30,960
Call me old-fashioned.
I just don't see other men.
393
00:14:32,874 --> 00:14:34,258
Sweetie, your... your heart
rate's setting off an alarm.
394
00:14:34,335 --> 00:14:35,288
Why... Why don't you
get off that bike?
395
00:14:35,366 --> 00:14:36,914
Yeah, that's a good idea.
You know what?
396
00:14:36,991 --> 00:14:38,476
Why don't we go to the spa, see
if we can get an early treatment?
397
00:14:38,553 --> 00:14:39,593
I love that.
398
00:14:39,671 --> 00:14:41,382
Oh, smoothie.
399
00:14:41,971 --> 00:14:43,264
Okay.
400
00:14:43,499 --> 00:14:45,554
Hey, you're...
You're really sweating.
401
00:14:45,761 --> 00:14:47,155
You should get a towel.
402
00:14:49,729 --> 00:14:51,223
Okay, you're
acting weird.
403
00:14:51,301 --> 00:14:53,934
- What's going on?
- Okay, look, I just...
404
00:14:54,012 --> 00:14:56,723
Um, I'm excited
about that hotel.
405
00:14:56,801 --> 00:14:58,670
I mean, there's a lot of
Hollywood history there.
406
00:14:58,747 --> 00:15:00,950
You know, they say
the Little Rascals
407
00:15:01,028 --> 00:15:02,325
used to have
orgies there.
408
00:15:02,403 --> 00:15:03,855
Ah.
409
00:15:03,977 --> 00:15:05,129
Hey, Cam!
410
00:15:05,207 --> 00:15:08,194
I almost forgot the homemade
protein bars you brought for us!
411
00:15:08,272 --> 00:15:09,283
Well, I'll see you
next time!
412
00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:10,989
Yeah!
Who is that?
413
00:15:11,067 --> 00:15:13,676
Wow, that's
an interesting view.
414
00:15:14,290 --> 00:15:15,387
What?
It's a parking lot.
415
00:15:15,465 --> 00:15:16,904
- There's a Dumpster.
- Oh, please. Come on.
416
00:15:16,981 --> 00:15:18,724
You picked this bike so you
could have a front-row seat
417
00:15:18,801 --> 00:15:20,325
to this little
peep sho...
418
00:15:20,426 --> 00:15:22,122
Oh!
Oh, my God.
419
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,092
That night of
our "spectacular session,"
420
00:15:24,170 --> 00:15:25,567
you had just
come from the gym.
421
00:15:25,710 --> 00:15:28,544
Well, I-I wonder what got
your engine so revved up, huh?
422
00:15:28,622 --> 00:15:30,591
The truth is out there!
423
00:15:30,669 --> 00:15:31,836
Okay, you know what?
424
00:15:31,914 --> 00:15:33,724
- I'm weak, okay?
- I can't believe
425
00:15:33,802 --> 00:15:34,974
you shamed me
426
00:15:35,052 --> 00:15:36,044
for looking
at a magazine
427
00:15:36,122 --> 00:15:38,029
when you've been
baking protein bars
428
00:15:38,107 --> 00:15:40,410
for Thunder from Down Under!
Maybe that's why.
429
00:15:40,488 --> 00:15:42,441
It's because I-I felt
guilty about this.
430
00:15:42,519 --> 00:15:43,880
Well, don't, okay?
431
00:15:43,992 --> 00:15:46,021
We are allowed
to look at other men
432
00:15:46,099 --> 00:15:48,220
without feeling
guilty about it.
433
00:15:50,964 --> 00:15:53,816
And... And if it inspires you,
then go for it,
434
00:15:53,894 --> 00:15:55,185
because at
the end of the day,
435
00:15:55,263 --> 00:15:57,763
I'm the one who gets
to reap the rewards.
436
00:15:58,779 --> 00:16:00,006
That's true. Okay.
437
00:16:00,084 --> 00:16:01,873
Look, I'm sorry.
Let's just get out of here.
438
00:16:01,966 --> 00:16:03,435
Oh, now? Okay.
439
00:16:04,582 --> 00:16:05,443
Oh.
440
00:16:05,634 --> 00:16:06,802
Maybe I should
join this gym.
441
00:16:06,895 --> 00:16:08,182
No, stick to
your vintage nudie mags.
442
00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:09,529
This is mine.
443
00:16:09,913 --> 00:16:11,123
- What's his name?
- Chuck.
444
00:16:11,201 --> 00:16:12,417
Oh, Chuck.
445
00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:15,162
Oh, Joe,
so adorable,
446
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:17,627
you look like
a little Uncle Alvaro!
447
00:16:17,705 --> 00:16:19,773
One last touch...
The pocket watch,
448
00:16:19,929 --> 00:16:21,367
permanently
broken at 3:30
449
00:16:21,445 --> 00:16:23,647
after it stopped a bullet shot
by a very drunk
450
00:16:23,725 --> 00:16:25,378
and jealous
Florence Nightingale.
451
00:16:25,456 --> 00:16:27,158
Maybe it was sour grapes,
452
00:16:27,236 --> 00:16:30,121
but this guy was starting
to sound like baloney.
453
00:16:30,476 --> 00:16:33,199
I was sure that if I left
no stone unturned,
454
00:16:33,277 --> 00:16:35,148
eventually, one day,
455
00:16:35,346 --> 00:16:38,363
I'd find some dirt
on Great Uncle Alvaro.
456
00:16:38,441 --> 00:16:39,792
I knew it!
457
00:16:39,939 --> 00:16:44,495
Simón Francisco Alvaro
would go from town to town,
458
00:16:44,573 --> 00:16:46,277
seducing wealthy widows
459
00:16:46,355 --> 00:16:49,527
with made-up stories
of his bravery in battle.
460
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:53,371
After frittering away their
fortunes on drink and dice,
461
00:16:53,449 --> 00:16:56,863
he would move on, leaving
his victims with nothing
462
00:16:56,941 --> 00:16:59,191
but a single red rose...
463
00:16:59,269 --> 00:17:00,558
And syphilis.
464
00:17:00,636 --> 00:17:02,894
Who's up for
a little history lesson?
465
00:17:03,029 --> 00:17:04,894
- It seems...
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
466
00:17:05,014 --> 00:17:06,457
Do it again.
467
00:17:06,565 --> 00:17:09,332
The yoke
of Spanish oppression
468
00:17:09,433 --> 00:17:12,921
will chafe Colombian
shoulders no longer!
469
00:17:13,050 --> 00:17:16,121
My saber thirsts
for European blood!
470
00:17:16,305 --> 00:17:18,363
So cute!
Bravo!
471
00:17:18,597 --> 00:17:21,824
He looked it up
and memorized it himself.
472
00:17:21,902 --> 00:17:23,790
Hey, Dad.
You know how kids tease me
473
00:17:23,868 --> 00:17:25,761
'cause I'm the shortest kid
in the class?
474
00:17:25,839 --> 00:17:27,256
Oh, don't listen
to what they say!
475
00:17:27,334 --> 00:17:31,144
Right! Uncle Alvaro was
only five feet tall
476
00:17:31,222 --> 00:17:32,972
and he led
a whole army!
477
00:17:33,068 --> 00:17:35,480
I'm gonna be brave
like him.
478
00:17:36,755 --> 00:17:39,816
Viva Uncle Alvaro.
479
00:17:40,095 --> 00:17:43,269
I enjoyed a lot of years
taking pride in my great uncle.
480
00:17:43,347 --> 00:17:45,316
I didn't want
to rob Joe of that.
481
00:17:45,548 --> 00:17:47,450
It wasn't easy
biting my tongue,
482
00:17:47,712 --> 00:17:50,566
but I took a page from
another heroic relative...
483
00:17:50,758 --> 00:17:52,402
Lulach McPritchett...
484
00:17:52,604 --> 00:17:55,910
Proud Scottish warrior,
captured by the English,
485
00:17:55,988 --> 00:17:59,511
tortured for months
using every method imaginable,
486
00:17:59,597 --> 00:18:02,566
and never once giving up
a single secret.
487
00:18:03,090 --> 00:18:04,675
Don't look him up.
488
00:18:11,682 --> 00:18:15,104
Signora, why so sad?
489
00:18:15,182 --> 00:18:18,169
Let me see that
big macaroni smile, ah?
490
00:18:18,247 --> 00:18:19,635
How did you
find me?
491
00:18:19,713 --> 00:18:21,699
Antonio called and said
492
00:18:21,777 --> 00:18:23,614
you'd ordered a flaming Sambuca...
493
00:18:23,691 --> 00:18:25,377
And just
watched it burn.
494
00:18:25,455 --> 00:18:26,838
Mm-hmm.
495
00:18:27,438 --> 00:18:29,713
It's all just
going too fast.
496
00:18:29,951 --> 00:18:31,072
Five months ago,
497
00:18:31,150 --> 00:18:32,495
Haley got back
together with Dylan.
498
00:18:32,572 --> 00:18:35,119
Then my mom dies.
Then Haley's pregnant.
499
00:18:35,250 --> 00:18:36,487
Then it's twins.
500
00:18:36,565 --> 00:18:39,442
Then, "Come move in with us
this summer" turns into.
501
00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:42,174
"Ding-dong, we're here with
an early preview of twins"
502
00:18:42,252 --> 00:18:43,689
and an incontinent
chinchilla,
503
00:18:43,767 --> 00:18:46,447
and, in the most terrifying
return since Freddy Krueger
504
00:18:46,525 --> 00:18:48,579
sashayed his way back
onto Elm Street,
505
00:18:48,657 --> 00:18:52,767
"my mother reincarnated
into the body of Farrah."
506
00:18:52,908 --> 00:18:55,088
Oh...
507
00:18:55,248 --> 00:18:57,533
How... How are you
handling this all so well?
508
00:18:57,611 --> 00:18:58,978
Who says I am?
509
00:18:59,213 --> 00:19:00,470
I had to get
out of there,
510
00:19:00,548 --> 00:19:02,400
or I was gonna make
Haley a single mom.
511
00:19:02,826 --> 00:19:04,681
I hit Dylan again,
Claire.
512
00:19:04,778 --> 00:19:07,127
- But not on purpose.
- Are we sure?
513
00:19:07,205 --> 00:19:10,056
You mean, like, you might
have some buried anger
514
00:19:10,134 --> 00:19:12,635
towards him stealing away
your baby girl?
515
00:19:12,713 --> 00:19:15,158
Oh, I so want it
to be on purpose.
516
00:19:15,313 --> 00:19:17,924
Gets lonely out here
on crazy island.
517
00:19:19,954 --> 00:19:21,260
Oh, well,
518
00:19:21,530 --> 00:19:23,095
we still have Italy.
519
00:19:24,004 --> 00:19:25,208
Do we?
520
00:19:25,305 --> 00:19:27,619
Listen, I've been doing
some research on twins,
521
00:19:27,697 --> 00:19:30,064
and it seems that, like
our daughter, they...
522
00:19:30,353 --> 00:19:31,681
They tend
to come early.
523
00:19:31,759 --> 00:19:33,931
Even if it's
a 1-in-10 chance,
524
00:19:34,009 --> 00:19:37,900
I can't risk having the only
maternal figure present
525
00:19:37,978 --> 00:19:40,314
be that
tub-birthing Wiccan.
526
00:19:40,532 --> 00:19:42,430
I got to be there
for Haley.
527
00:19:42,650 --> 00:19:44,625
It's overwhelming
for sure,
528
00:19:44,786 --> 00:19:47,961
but haven't a ton of
our best memories
529
00:19:48,039 --> 00:19:50,563
come from the anarchy
of our house?
530
00:19:50,870 --> 00:19:53,958
Like when Luke got his head
stuck in the banister?
531
00:19:54,036 --> 00:19:55,321
Which time?
532
00:19:55,547 --> 00:19:58,235
Or when... when Alex's
science fair project
533
00:19:58,313 --> 00:19:59,836
blacked out
the whole neighborhood
534
00:19:59,932 --> 00:20:01,906
during the Super Bowl?
535
00:20:02,041 --> 00:20:03,180
Or when, uh,
536
00:20:03,258 --> 00:20:04,644
Haley snuck in
Luke's window
537
00:20:04,741 --> 00:20:06,288
the same week we bought
him a slingshot?
538
00:20:06,365 --> 00:20:08,404
- Oh, God. Mm.
- That was...
539
00:20:08,482 --> 00:20:10,561
So, it's
a-a madhouse,
540
00:20:10,639 --> 00:20:13,045
but on the other hand,
541
00:20:13,123 --> 00:20:14,718
we're gonna have a couple
babies in the house,
542
00:20:14,795 --> 00:20:16,949
and... they'll be Haley
and Dylan's.
543
00:20:17,730 --> 00:20:20,317
- Mm-hmm.
- So they'll be doing funny stuff.
544
00:20:23,084 --> 00:20:24,498
So...
545
00:20:24,987 --> 00:20:27,029
looks like we are
going on a trip?
546
00:20:46,607 --> 00:20:48,318
- Gretchen.
- Manuel.
547
00:20:48,483 --> 00:20:51,162
Look, I really am sorry
about the way things ended...
548
00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:52,287
That chapter is closed.
549
00:20:52,365 --> 00:20:54,467
We have a strictly
business relationship now.
550
00:20:55,568 --> 00:20:57,975
Did you enjoy this book,
or did you find your eyes
551
00:20:58,053 --> 00:21:00,443
drifting toward
a shorter Jewish one?
552
00:21:00,576 --> 00:21:02,493
Okay, Shoshana and I
are over.
553
00:21:02,579 --> 00:21:04,365
It was beyond hurtful
that you found a woman
554
00:21:04,451 --> 00:21:06,597
whose name has
two "shhh" sounds in it.
555
00:21:06,928 --> 00:21:08,326
Clearly,
you're still upset
556
00:21:08,404 --> 00:21:10,928
and there's no hope
for reconciliation, so...
557
00:21:11,168 --> 00:21:12,670
I'll just say goodbye
and hope you'll allow me
558
00:21:12,747 --> 00:21:15,131
to play myself off
with our song.
559
00:21:15,292 --> 00:21:16,927
"Sex Kitty" plays...
560
00:21:17,127 --> 00:21:19,983
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
561
00:21:20,161 --> 00:21:22,366
♪ Ow! ♪
562
00:21:22,495 --> 00:21:24,348
♪ Sex kitty ♪
563
00:21:24,430 --> 00:21:26,292
♪ Sexy kitty ♪
42313
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