All language subtitles for Mike and Molly s06e11 Option.eng

Previously on Mike & Molly...

This is Frannie.

Former student of mine.

- She's homeless.
- And pregnant.

And she's telling us
how she robs cars.

(car alarm chirps
in the distance)

You're gonna come home with me

and you can stay there
until we figure this out.

God, no, no,
you don't have to do that.

I certainly am not gonna
put you out on the street

to raise a baby.

Oh, I'm-I'm not
keeping the baby.

I'm giving it up.

Oh.

I want it to have a safe home

and a chance at a good life.

I'll take it.

I'll take that baby.

I made a promise to you two.

If you want this baby

half as much as I do, you are...

never gonna forgive yourself
if you keep this promise.

We're still going to adopt.

There's a baby out there

- with our name on it.
- Yeah.

Before you know it, we'll be up
all hours of the night...

(chuckles)

...knee-deep in dirty diapers.

The good thing about adoption

is we can all be part
of the picking process.

No we can't. Who said that?

Hey, you always ask my opinion
when we go shoe shopping.

How is this different?

It's a human being.

Exactly.

Non-refundable.

I say we get a Sagittarius baby.

Anything but a Libra.

They're very unreliable.

Wait a minute, you're a Libra.

I guess this is my way of saying

I can't drive you
to the dentist tomorrow.

Hey. None of you
have a say in this, all right?

Molly and I want
another guy in the house.

Preferably a left-handed pitcher

who's got a little movement
on his splitter.

I don't remember
having that conversation.

You said "healthy baby"...
that's where my head went.

This is the color
I was talking about.

- Color for what?
- The baby.

I was thinking we could go
with a nice caramel coffee.

Aw, and he matches the drapes.

Great, so I'll just tell
the people at the adoption agency

that we're looking
for a left-handed,

Sagittarius, baby boy that doesn't
clash with the curtains.

Hey, wait a minute.

A lot of great pitching's been
coming out of Latin America.

That's him right there.

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/

I feel like an idiot.

I'm the only guy here
with a tie.

No, you look handsome

and that tie may be just
the thing that gives us

the baby edge over
all these other couples.

Well, the tie ain't
gonna help if it's between us

and Tom Brady and Gazelle
over there.

Ah, look at him, huh?
Got the hands of a quarterback,

and the teeth
of a game show host.

I'm more worried about
these two suck ups over here,

- Damn it, should we pray, too?
- It's...

It's too late, they're
already working that shtick.

Well, I think we should talk
game plan before we go in there.

- I say we play it calm.
- (sighs)

If we seem too eager,

they're gonna try
to unload a lemon on us.

Okay, you know we're trying to
get a baby, not a used Chevy.

Yeah, I'm just saying.

I mean, if they try
to give us a hard sell,

we got to be prepared to walk.

I bet we can
get a good one online.

Okay, Mike, we need to forget
this and just be ourselves.

And show these people
that we are good and honest

and we're not into playing silly
games, we just want a baby.

Molly Flynn and Mike Biggs?

Oh, God... who...
art in heaven.

Hallowed be thy name.

Just give us a second,

we're speaking
with our Lord. (chuckles)

Did I mention I was
Teacher of the Year?

You did.

Brought home
the Golden Apple twice.

I don't know if it matters,
but it's never been done before...

or since.

And, uh,
I am a decorated police officer.

Most traffic tickets given
in the month of June.

Sorry if you got caught up
in that, just doing my job.

(both laughing nervously)

Well, thank you both
for coming in.

Wait, the interview's over?

It is.

Oh, did-did I happen
to mention that

I memorized Good Night Moon?

"In the great, green room
there was a...

there was a balloon, and, um..."

There's a... I know
there's-there's bears

and, there's, like, a bowl
of por... there's mush!

I know there's mush.

You don't need to do that.

Listen, I may have been
playing this too cool.

We really want to
make this happen.

- Yeah.
- Get your manager.

We're ready to leave here...

with a baby today.

Today.

Don't worry.
You guys did very well.

I think you're perfect
candidates for adoption.

- Oh, that's great.
- (sighs)

Thank you so much.

So, the next thing for us to do
is schedule a home visit.

Whose home?

Your home.

Y-you mean where we live?

Yes, we just need to meet
all of your family members

and make sure it's a healthy
environment for a child.

Is there a day that works
better than the others?

Nope.

I'm telling you, something
ain't right back there.

Are we looking at the pimple
or the spider bite?

'Cause either way, we need
to call the dermatologist

or the Orkin man.

I'm looking at this raised mole.

Looks like you
slept on a Milk Dud.

Whatever it is, it's throbbing.

Press them one at a time...
when I scream, you'll know.

Hey.

VICTORIA: There they are.

Where's my grand-baby?

We were just cleaning up
my saddle for piggyback rides.

Okay, well, we're not
quite there yet.

However, she did say that

Mike and I were excellent
candidates for an adoption.

- Oh, that's wonderful! - Come on.
- Yay! I knew it! I knew it!

Yeah, but, you know, we still
have a pretty big hurdle

to get over, actually.

Three of 'em.
(chuckle)

(Molly clears her throat)

Yeah, what Mol is saying is

that there are some other
aspects of the house

that we have to
make more presentable.

Are you talking about
the dust bunnies under my bed?

More like the weed bunny
that sleeps on top of it.

Um...

Look, we...
we love you so much

and we would never want
to change anything about you,

except, on Saturday,

when we need to change
everything about you.

Not everything.

Just the, uh...

the drugs and the drinking
and the filthy language.

That is everything.

Well, then that's...

what we're asking you to do.

- Sure. - All right.
- Okay.

Wait, really?

It's a little insulting,
but it makes a lot of sense.

We should start by
getting rid of all the booze.

- To the baby. - To the baby!
- To the baby!

I'm telling you,

Molly's family has been taking
this like champs.

They even let us do
a full sweep of their bedrooms.

You find anything?

We found everything.

Pot, illegal prescription
pills, fireworks.

It's like searching a car
coming back from Tijuana.

Hey, uh, by the way,

it'd be great if you could come
by the house on Saturday, too.

Might help the adoption lady to
see how diverse my friends are.

Diverse?

Come on, you know what I mean?

I certainly do.

It's the "Oh, some of my best
friends are black" line.

Yeah, but in my case,
that's actually true, see?

So, if that somehow puts me
in a better light,

that's on society, not me.

And you want to exploit that.

Yes, I do.

For a baby.

Man, how can I say no to that?

You can't because
you're my best friend.

And we're right back
where we started.

Ah.

Uh, what time did you say you
wanted me there on Saturday?

Seriously?

It's not what you think.

I invited Samuel
because he's foreign.

Gives me a little
international flavor.

4:00.

Isn't it a little premature
to be setting up the crib?

Like lighting a bong
before you load the bowl.

Okay. Now,

I love your colorful analogies,

but when
the adoption lady comes,

let's keep those all in here,

so they never come out here.

Relax.

I'll have her take a Xanax
before they get here.

No, no pills, no booze, no weed.

It's like a mother-daughter
detox. It'll be fun.

Fine, but if I'm not drinking,

I can't be held responsible
for my actions.

Hey, trust me.

The second that adoption lady
is out the door,

I'll be elbow-deep in mojitos,
but until then,

we've got to prove
that this house is safe,

and secure, and baby ready.

What are you talking about?

This is the same house
you two grew up in

and you both survived.

Yeah, "survived,"

which implies a chance of death.

I admit, you girls
had some close calls.

Remember the fort you
made out of that old fridge?

Was that the day I blacked
out and met the fireman?

One of 'em.

Okay, no childhood stories.

Actually, you know what?
Let's make it easy.

No stories at all.

It's starting to sound like you
don't want us to say anything.

See?

Victoria gets it.

Now, come on, these adoption
people are trained

to-to see hazards
that we're not even aware of.

I mean, uncovered outlets
and sharp table corners,

and, look.

Look at these seashells.

What do you see?

A crappy Christmas gift
from Mom.

Yes, but, to a baby?

This is a fun thing
to put in your mouth.

(choking)

Mol!

(coughs)

(gasps)

(raspy):
I think I made my point.

Okay, Victoria, blouse.

Carl, gum.

- (spits)
- Okay.

Now, the adoption
lady's name is Karen.

She is very nice.

There are gonna be times where

your instinct will be
to talk to her.

Ignore those instincts.

I think my neck size has changed

since I bought this shirt
15 years ago.

- Can you breathe?
- Yeah.

You're fine.

I told you to go
with the open shirt and scarf,

like Jon Voight.

Quit trying to
make me Jon Voight.

I'll never be Jon Voight!

Okay, here we go.

Ooh. Don't mind if I do.

I do, so don't.

But I just wanted
a jicama stick.

No don't,
they're stacked perfectly.

- Relax, I'm good at Jenga.
- Hey!

Hands off the jicama.

MOLLY: Thank you.

Okay, now before we get started,

I-I just want you all
to know that I love you

- Hmm.
- Very much,

and if any one of you

screws me out of getting
my hands on a baby...

(quietly):
there we will be blood.

(doorbell rings)

(gasps) Okay.

Smiles everyone.
Let's have fun.

Hello.

(all groaning)

You're late.

For some reason,
you asked the only person

coming on bicycle to bring ice.

You only brought one bag?

Just get in here and take a seat
with the rest of the ding-dongs.

- (door slams)
- (doorbell rings)

Hello!

Look who it is.
What a pleasant surprise.

Okay, Joyce.

I noticed your home
has a nice-sized backyard.

Thank you.

I think what my mother is trying
to say is that it will be

a wonderful place
for our child to play.

Thank you.

Jicama stick?

Oh, no thank you.

You sure? Maybe just one
so, you know,

- we can all get started.
- (Molly laughs nervously)

Carl, you know that no one
here needs permission

to enjoy the hors d'oeuvres.

(all murmuring in excitement)

Uh, Karen, I don't know
if you noticed,

but the backyard
is safely fenced in.

It was built with the help
of my two main men here:

Carl and Samuel.

Mm-hmm. Mike and I have
been partners for years.

And we live together.

- But not as a couple.
- Yeah.

We're not gay, we're just here
'cause we're black.

Oh, God.

And I'm here
'cause I'm the sister.

Which makes me the aunt.

That's all I'm allowed to say.

(chuckles nervously) Okay,

well, now that you've met
the whole gang,

why don't I take you upstairs

and show you where
the baby's gonna sleep.

Sounds good.

Excuse me.

I think you dropped a $100 bill.

No, I-I didn't.

You sure? People lose track
of stuff all the time.

$100 bills...
Third World babies.

It's mine.

Thank you for your honesty.

Okay, uh, here is the crib
where the baby will sleep.

It got five stars for safety

and, I'll tell you what,
if there's a tornado,

forget the basement,

I'm riding out the storm
in this son of a gun.

(both chuckle)

Well, I can see you've done
a lot of work and research.

Oh, believe me, we are prepared.

We're serious buyers.
We're not just looky-loos.

KAREN: Good to know.

Now, can I see the room
the baby will stay in

when it outgrows the crib?

Oh.

Oh, we really hadn't
thought about that yet.

Um, is-is that an issue?

Well, I only ask because...

(mouthing)

It seems like you already have
a pretty full house here.

Five people living
in a three bedroom home.

May I say something?

No.

I myself was raised in a two
bedroom, with three brothers,

two sisters, my Grammy, Mom,
Dad, and Uncle Sal,

who I later learned
was my real father.

A small house actually
brought us closer together.

Especially Mom and Uncle Sal.

Isn't the plight of
the Italian immigrant fascinating?

- Isn't it?
- What he's saying is

kids don't need that much space.

Molly slept in a drawer for two
years before we moved in here.

One room. When my husband
and I wanted to have sex,

we just closed the drawer.

Aw, closed the drawer.

I'm sorry.

We just want to
make sure we're finding

the best homes for our babies.

Oh. (chuckles)

Well, look no further,

'cause this house is filled
with nothing but love.

It's true and he should know,

he used to be my lover.

Oh, those were good times.

The pleasure was worth the pain.

I'd do it all over again.

- Not here. Not now!
- Okay, okay, okay.

Look, Karen, I...

I realize that this
isn't the biggest house

and maybe space will be
an issue down the road,

but don't you think
it's more important that

you have two people here

that-that really,
truly love each other?

Yeah, we are totally
committed to creating

a healthy and safe environment
for this child.

I promise you, we will
take good care of it.

Wow.

What horrible timing.

Okay, well, she didn't say no.

She didn't say anything,
she just ran out.

Maybe she was in
a hurry to approve us.

We guillotined a baby doll.

The worst part is I can't even
blame my family for all this.

I can.

All right, maybe
they didn't exactly help,

but we did this to ourselves.

I mean, why couldn't I just
let Carl have some jicama?

(laughs)

You were nervous,
and it just shows

how important this
whole thing is to you.

And you.

It'll happen when it happens.

Until that time comes,

we'll... we'll just enjoy
our time together.

To us.

- To us.
- (bottles clink)

I want a baby so damn bad.

(quietly): Me, too.

(sighs)
God, look at all the jicama.

I'm a monster.

Jicama.
That's a weird word, jicama.

Jicama!

Are you drunk?

Yes.

I'm drunk-ama.

VICTORIA: Molly, is that you?

Yeah.

VICTORIA: Come up to my room.

You got to see what we did.

Maybe they finally got
that thing off of Vince's back.

I hope so, looks like
he's sleeping on a Milk Dud.

(giggles)

(knocks)

Ta-da!

Oh, my God, what did you do?

Welcome to the nursery.

Don't worry, I fixed the crib.

It was missing a screw and you
put the rail in upside down,

which created
an instrument of death.

But other than that,
you did a great job.

And I'm moving to the basement.

I'm thinking circular couch,
lots of pillows.

I want that whole
I Dream of Jeannie bottle vibe.

This is the sweetest,
most amazing thing

anybody has ever done for us.

I mean... Oh!

Mike, look, tiny socks.

You know how I'm always saying

I want to move the hell
out of this house?

(chuckling):
I don't want to go anywhere.

I love you weirdos.

Are you drunk?

Yeah, it's really hitting me.

I got to say, I appreciate
you being so thorough and open.

Most couples hoping to adopt
aren't as forthcoming.

Well, we're new to this agency

and we just want you
to know who we are,

warts and all.

Yeah, that's right.
I mean, all we can do

is be honest with our answers
and hope for the best.

WOMAN: Well, you're doing great.

So, about your living
situation...

- We live alone.
- Just the two of us.

Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/

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