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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,070 --> 00:00:01,414 - It's a talk show... - Right. 2 00:00:01,449 --> 00:00:02,593 But it's on one of these streaming networks. 3 00:00:02,628 --> 00:00:05,196 - On Busca. You ever heard of Busca? - No. 4 00:00:05,230 --> 00:00:06,497 It's a new thing. It's the future, buddy. 5 00:00:06,531 --> 00:00:08,434 It doesn't matter 'cause it's all garbage. 6 00:00:08,469 --> 00:00:09,648 - Wow. A-All of it? - Yeah. 7 00:00:09,683 --> 00:00:10,902 Even your show? 8 00:00:10,937 --> 00:00:12,704 You've been on it. You know what it's like. 9 00:00:12,736 --> 00:00:14,339 Yes, I have been on your show. 10 00:00:14,371 --> 00:00:16,441 - And you've been doing it for years. - Yeah. 11 00:00:16,474 --> 00:00:18,377 But now that you're a veteran, give me some advice. 12 00:00:18,410 --> 00:00:22,181 - Well, the first thing is control. - Mm-hmm. 13 00:00:22,214 --> 00:00:24,183 They're gonna give it to you at the beginning. 14 00:00:24,215 --> 00:00:26,017 They'll say they're giving it to you. You gotta maintain it. 15 00:00:26,050 --> 00:00:27,686 - Mm-hmm. - You're gonna go in there, 16 00:00:27,718 --> 00:00:29,554 they're gonna say, "Oh, we love you. We want you to be you." 17 00:00:29,587 --> 00:00:31,170 - Yeah. - And then pretty soon, 18 00:00:31,205 --> 00:00:32,527 they'll just chip away at it. 19 00:00:32,562 --> 00:00:33,592 - Yeah. - You'll be lucky to be able to pick 20 00:00:33,625 --> 00:00:35,259 the chair you get to sit in. 21 00:00:35,293 --> 00:00:38,229 Oh, my God. [groans] Sorry, man. 22 00:00:38,262 --> 00:00:39,039 You okay? 23 00:00:39,074 --> 00:00:40,598 Yeah. No, I just... I hurt my back on a... 24 00:00:40,631 --> 00:00:42,567 I was lifting a kettlebell. 25 00:00:42,601 --> 00:00:44,403 You should... You leave those on the floor, I think. 26 00:00:44,436 --> 00:00:46,371 - You know, gravity has a purpose... - Mm-hmm. That's right. 27 00:00:46,403 --> 00:00:49,373 - and when I defied it... - Paid the price. 28 00:00:49,406 --> 00:00:50,741 - All right, so that's one... control. - Mm-hmm. 29 00:00:50,775 --> 00:00:52,210 Any other advice? 30 00:00:52,244 --> 00:00:53,612 Uh... yeah. The chair. 31 00:00:53,644 --> 00:00:56,380 The chair that you sit in is very important. 32 00:00:56,414 --> 00:00:58,550 - Mm-hmm. - You are the captain of the ship. 33 00:00:58,582 --> 00:01:02,220 It is your vessel. It is sometimes your only friend. 34 00:01:02,253 --> 00:01:05,056 You have to feel present in it. 35 00:01:05,089 --> 00:01:06,657 - Good chair. That makes sense to me. - Yeah. 36 00:01:06,690 --> 00:01:09,061 Yeah, Conan's always had a wonderful chair. 37 00:01:09,094 --> 00:01:11,597 I mean, I... I sit on the couch. 38 00:01:11,630 --> 00:01:13,464 And so, you know, I don't have a desk to hide behind, 39 00:01:13,497 --> 00:01:16,802 so it's all... belly and balls for me. 40 00:01:16,835 --> 00:01:18,403 Is that your nickname on the show? 41 00:01:18,436 --> 00:01:19,738 Depending on my mood. 42 00:01:19,770 --> 00:01:21,272 One day I'm Belly, and one day I'm Balls. 43 00:01:21,306 --> 00:01:23,175 - Ohh. - You wouldn't like Balls. 44 00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:24,409 [laughs] 45 00:01:24,442 --> 00:01:27,145 ["The Poisoned Well" plays] 46 00:01:29,146 --> 00:01:31,416 Won't fall for it 47 00:01:31,449 --> 00:01:33,652 You can't see 48 00:01:33,684 --> 00:01:36,320 And you can't tell 49 00:01:36,353 --> 00:01:39,090 I just can't drink 50 00:01:39,124 --> 00:01:41,293 From the poisoned well 51 00:01:41,328 --> 00:01:43,193 Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com 52 00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:45,097 Come on! Just come on! 53 00:01:45,130 --> 00:01:46,765 Damn, you're really fiending. 54 00:01:46,797 --> 00:01:47,970 I almost feel bad about 55 00:01:48,005 --> 00:01:49,231 - leaving this job now. - [sighs] 56 00:01:49,266 --> 00:01:50,602 I'm not fiending, you moron. 57 00:01:50,634 --> 00:01:54,306 I'm in what they call pain, and those pills kill the pain, 58 00:01:54,338 --> 00:01:56,607 which is why they're called painkillers. 59 00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:58,177 So give me one. 60 00:01:58,210 --> 00:02:00,812 - Was that Shay? - Shay? 61 00:02:00,844 --> 00:02:02,446 Yeah. You know, the lesbian 62 00:02:02,479 --> 00:02:03,814 you were trying to have a baby with for a while. 63 00:02:03,847 --> 00:02:06,217 Yeah, I-I know who she is. Shay is gone, man. 64 00:02:06,250 --> 00:02:07,853 You're just trying to distract me from my pain, 65 00:02:07,885 --> 00:02:11,122 which I appreciate, but I'd like a pill now, please. 66 00:02:11,156 --> 00:02:13,192 Oh. Did you want a pill? 67 00:02:13,224 --> 00:02:14,392 Are you kidding me? 68 00:02:14,426 --> 00:02:15,861 Yeah, I was. Good bit? 69 00:02:15,893 --> 00:02:17,563 Honestly, you were right to give these to me to hold, 70 00:02:17,595 --> 00:02:19,198 because you're a mess. 71 00:02:19,230 --> 00:02:22,567 Oh, my God. Thanks. You're a real pal. 72 00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:24,635 Hey, I am not the bad guy here. 73 00:02:24,669 --> 00:02:26,538 I'm helping you keep your sobriety. 74 00:02:26,570 --> 00:02:28,240 - Although, honestly... - [cell phone vibrating] 75 00:02:28,272 --> 00:02:29,674 maybe you'd be less of a dick if you were high. 76 00:02:29,707 --> 00:02:32,243 Do you have a pussy? Like a-a little boy pussy? 77 00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:33,678 Is that what you're hiding? 78 00:02:33,712 --> 00:02:35,480 Yeah, I do. We should rub them together at some point. 79 00:02:35,512 --> 00:02:37,216 Oh. Yeah, hey, Emily. 80 00:02:37,248 --> 00:02:39,650 No, no, I was talking to my soon-to-be-ex-assistant. 81 00:02:39,683 --> 00:02:41,252 What? 82 00:02:41,285 --> 00:02:43,622 Will Ferrell's in. 83 00:02:44,889 --> 00:02:48,360 No, I am. This is how I sound when I'm excited. 84 00:02:48,392 --> 00:02:51,762 All right. All right, yeah, I'll see you in a half-hour. 85 00:02:51,795 --> 00:02:54,565 Will Ferrell? God, I love Will Ferrell! 86 00:02:54,599 --> 00:02:57,336 Yeah, it's too bad you're never gonna meet him... traitor. 87 00:02:57,368 --> 00:03:01,172 You know, the first step is admitting you're a dick. 88 00:03:01,206 --> 00:03:02,674 Marc! 89 00:03:02,706 --> 00:03:04,876 Gregg Schup from Busca. 90 00:03:06,444 --> 00:03:07,679 - Django! - Django! 91 00:03:07,712 --> 00:03:09,448 - [laughs] - Yeah. What's up, man? 92 00:03:09,480 --> 00:03:11,515 Hey, I'm here just to lend a little corporate support. 93 00:03:11,549 --> 00:03:12,918 In fact, uh, 94 00:03:12,950 --> 00:03:14,518 I'm gonna be personally shepherding the project. 95 00:03:14,551 --> 00:03:17,342 - Ooh! - What happened to Terrence? 96 00:03:18,255 --> 00:03:22,193 He's... no longer with us. 97 00:03:22,226 --> 00:03:23,895 He's... he's dead? 98 00:03:23,927 --> 00:03:26,564 Listen, you don't need to worry about that, okay? 99 00:03:26,598 --> 00:03:29,434 Today's about you! [chuckles] 100 00:03:29,467 --> 00:03:31,403 - So... - [whispers] He's dead. 101 00:03:31,436 --> 00:03:32,704 - Really? - Really. 102 00:03:32,736 --> 00:03:34,205 - I didn't really know that guy. - Really? 103 00:03:34,238 --> 00:03:35,407 I didn't like him. 104 00:03:35,439 --> 00:03:36,775 Marc, let me introduce you 105 00:03:36,807 --> 00:03:38,543 to your stand-in, Hideo. 106 00:03:38,575 --> 00:03:39,944 Ah. 107 00:03:39,978 --> 00:03:42,247 - This is weird. - What? You're... Really? 108 00:03:42,279 --> 00:03:44,248 A-A Japanese stand-in is fantastic. 109 00:03:44,282 --> 00:03:45,916 Tr?s International. 110 00:03:45,950 --> 00:03:47,386 Yeah, I guess. 111 00:03:47,419 --> 00:03:48,920 Okay, thank you. 112 00:03:48,952 --> 00:03:51,223 Now, Marc, we thought you might want a joke writer. 113 00:03:51,255 --> 00:03:52,890 - No, I don't work that way, man. - Oh. 114 00:03:52,924 --> 00:03:55,726 Okay. Well, let's put a pin in that for the time being. 115 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:57,396 All right, so this is the chair? 116 00:03:57,428 --> 00:03:58,963 - Ah. - Very lush, right? 117 00:03:58,997 --> 00:04:00,565 [singsongy] I don't know. 118 00:04:00,598 --> 00:04:02,734 [singsongy] Have a feel. 119 00:04:02,766 --> 00:04:04,436 Yeah? 120 00:04:04,468 --> 00:04:06,504 - I don't feel like a captain. - Hmm. 121 00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:07,906 You want a captain's chair? 122 00:04:07,938 --> 00:04:09,340 No. 123 00:04:09,373 --> 00:04:11,509 I-I want a captain-feeling chair. 124 00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:14,246 Well, we got a-a whole stockroom of chairs. 125 00:04:14,278 --> 00:04:15,479 You can pick any one. 126 00:04:15,512 --> 00:04:16,914 Also, don't worry about the writer. 127 00:04:16,948 --> 00:04:19,584 Uh... Oh! We got a teleprompter for ya. 128 00:04:19,616 --> 00:04:20,986 Are you serious? 129 00:04:21,019 --> 00:04:22,821 What's... It's just for your consideration. 130 00:04:22,854 --> 00:04:24,488 Are you okay? 131 00:04:24,522 --> 00:04:27,526 I'm fine. I'm just... 132 00:04:27,558 --> 00:04:29,428 I'm just really, really tired. 133 00:04:29,460 --> 00:04:30,662 - Ohh. - How about a coffee? 134 00:04:30,695 --> 00:04:32,831 No, I don't want a coffee. I... 135 00:04:32,863 --> 00:04:34,332 Maybe a cot. 136 00:04:34,366 --> 00:04:35,933 We got a couch in the green room. 137 00:04:35,967 --> 00:04:38,437 Come on! I'll show ya! 138 00:04:38,469 --> 00:04:41,272 It's a green room. Come on. This is exciting. 139 00:04:41,306 --> 00:04:42,606 Stop it. I'm not 5. 140 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:44,642 Eh, come on. Ooh. 141 00:04:44,676 --> 00:04:45,943 - Holy shit. - [gasps] 142 00:04:45,976 --> 00:04:47,479 - Kale chips? - Mm-hmm. 143 00:04:47,512 --> 00:04:49,448 Bet you those bananas and apples are organic. 144 00:04:49,481 --> 00:04:51,516 - Probably. - Three kinds of green tea. 145 00:04:51,549 --> 00:04:52,950 This is better than what I eat at home. 146 00:04:52,984 --> 00:04:54,452 You deserve it. 147 00:04:54,486 --> 00:04:56,021 We're all just so excited to work for ya. 148 00:04:56,053 --> 00:04:58,823 Believe me, it is great to have a job. 149 00:04:58,856 --> 00:04:59,783 Right? 150 00:04:59,818 --> 00:05:01,693 - I have no idea what you do. - Mnh-mnh. 151 00:05:01,726 --> 00:05:03,995 - Oh. Well, I... - No. 152 00:05:04,027 --> 00:05:07,732 There's just... too many people. 153 00:05:07,765 --> 00:05:09,967 - Oh. - There's too many people. 154 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,537 [sighs deeply] 155 00:05:12,570 --> 00:05:14,306 MARC: Is this is the way out?! 156 00:05:14,339 --> 00:05:17,943 157 00:05:28,686 --> 00:05:30,654 You love me, huh? 158 00:05:30,688 --> 00:05:32,707 It's Marc with a "C," asshole. 159 00:05:32,742 --> 00:05:34,659 [plastic crinkles] 160 00:05:34,691 --> 00:05:37,495 Where the hell have you been, man? 161 00:05:37,529 --> 00:05:39,531 It hasn't been four hours yet. Calm down. 162 00:05:39,563 --> 00:05:40,831 Don't tell me to calm down. 163 00:05:40,864 --> 00:05:42,700 You're not the one with a pancaked disc. 164 00:05:42,734 --> 00:05:45,143 Whatever, dude. You still got two minutes till your next one. 165 00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:47,601 Oh, come on. You're not gonna be that guy, are ya? 166 00:05:48,472 --> 00:05:51,171 - [cell phone vibrates] - All right. Start the countdown now. 167 00:05:51,206 --> 00:05:52,377 [vibrates] 168 00:05:52,409 --> 00:05:54,512 Emily, hey. What's up? 169 00:05:54,546 --> 00:05:55,847 No, I'm fine. 170 00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:57,716 We gotta do something about that chair. 171 00:05:57,748 --> 00:05:59,618 [lowered voice] You are overreacting, Mark. 172 00:05:59,650 --> 00:06:01,352 Stop treating me like a child! 173 00:06:01,385 --> 00:06:03,387 Then stop acting like one! 174 00:06:03,421 --> 00:06:05,724 I'm not! I'm bringing my own chair! 175 00:06:05,757 --> 00:06:07,359 Whatever. Right. 176 00:06:07,392 --> 00:06:09,728 We actually have slightly bigger problems. 177 00:06:09,760 --> 00:06:11,095 Well, if it's not the chair, 178 00:06:11,128 --> 00:06:12,630 then I don't wanna hear about it! 179 00:06:12,664 --> 00:06:14,433 Will Ferrell is out. 180 00:06:14,465 --> 00:06:15,866 Ohh! Really?! 181 00:06:15,900 --> 00:06:18,402 - Goddamn it! - [basket thuds] 182 00:06:18,436 --> 00:06:20,906 I'm worried you're not handling this very well. 183 00:06:20,938 --> 00:06:22,440 I'm fine. 184 00:06:22,474 --> 00:06:24,041 I gotta go. 185 00:06:24,075 --> 00:06:26,945 And tell that smarm-bag it's Marc with a "C." A "C." 186 00:06:26,977 --> 00:06:29,113 - A "C"! - Oh, a "C." 187 00:06:29,147 --> 00:06:31,483 Okay. Bye-bye. 188 00:06:31,515 --> 00:06:33,117 Good talk? 189 00:06:33,150 --> 00:06:35,753 Don't snark me, man. Gimme a pill. 190 00:06:35,787 --> 00:06:37,722 15 seconds. 191 00:06:37,755 --> 00:06:40,725 All right, just give me 'em. Come on. 192 00:06:40,758 --> 00:06:42,460 [pills rattle] 193 00:06:42,493 --> 00:06:44,029 [sighs] 194 00:06:45,762 --> 00:06:47,799 Oh, man. 195 00:06:47,832 --> 00:06:49,401 - Two? - [pill bottle clatters] 196 00:06:49,433 --> 00:06:50,734 Hey, hey, what are you doing? 197 00:06:50,767 --> 00:06:53,404 I'm doing what I have to do. 198 00:06:53,438 --> 00:06:56,775 I have a lot of people depending on me. 199 00:06:56,808 --> 00:06:59,010 Oh, boy. 200 00:06:59,359 --> 00:07:02,023 [cell phone vibrates] 201 00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:05,025 - [vibrates] - God. 202 00:07:05,059 --> 00:07:08,130 [vibrates] 203 00:07:08,162 --> 00:07:11,232 [sighs] Hello? Hello? 204 00:07:11,266 --> 00:07:13,802 What do you mean they wanna tinker with it? 205 00:07:13,835 --> 00:07:17,037 It's my show! 206 00:07:17,071 --> 00:07:18,405 No, I... 207 00:07:18,439 --> 00:07:20,107 No, I-I didn't forget about the meeting. 208 00:07:20,141 --> 00:07:21,977 I mean, I'm driving right now. 209 00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:25,146 All right? The traffic's shitty. 210 00:07:25,179 --> 00:07:26,947 - [whispers] Shoot. - [cell phone thuds] 211 00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:28,215 Shit! 212 00:07:28,249 --> 00:07:29,885 So as Emily probably mentioned, 213 00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:32,119 we're thinking about doing an opening monologue. 214 00:07:32,153 --> 00:07:35,157 What?! No, she didn't mention that. 215 00:07:35,189 --> 00:07:36,391 Well, we... we've been very b... 216 00:07:36,424 --> 00:07:38,260 I think it slipped through the cracks. 217 00:07:38,292 --> 00:07:40,060 Fell through the cracks? That's the one you're going with? 218 00:07:40,093 --> 00:07:42,296 That one? Really? 219 00:07:42,329 --> 00:07:44,732 Dude, I'm Barry. We've met before. 220 00:07:44,766 --> 00:07:47,102 - We did? - You're kidding, right? [laughs] 221 00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,903 Look, bro, I just wanted to tell you, 222 00:07:48,937 --> 00:07:51,907 that Louis interview? Majorly life-changing. 223 00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:53,908 Oh, really? Well, thanks, bro. 224 00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:55,242 'Preciate it. 225 00:07:55,275 --> 00:07:58,246 I'll talk to you guys later... 226 00:07:58,278 --> 00:07:59,747 bro. 227 00:07:59,780 --> 00:08:01,283 228 00:08:01,316 --> 00:08:04,085 MARC: Oh, God. Is this the way out?! 229 00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:06,086 [Dub Thompson's "Dograces" playing] 230 00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:08,189 Get your feet up 231 00:08:08,223 --> 00:08:11,158 [pills rattle] 232 00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:13,528 It's only breakfast 233 00:08:15,997 --> 00:08:18,066 Did you see us 234 00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:23,471 On this merry Christmas? 235 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:28,343 To the dog races 236 00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:33,214 With your sick faces 237 00:08:35,516 --> 00:08:37,986 Snap like a dog 238 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,891 Did you get that alive? 239 00:08:42,924 --> 00:08:45,492 One, two, three, four 240 00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:49,330 241 00:09:01,275 --> 00:09:04,311 Marc? 242 00:09:04,344 --> 00:09:06,981 243 00:09:07,015 --> 00:09:09,417 Marc? 244 00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:10,886 245 00:09:10,919 --> 00:09:13,088 [knocks] Marc? 246 00:09:13,121 --> 00:09:17,058 Oh, shit. Oh, God! Oh! Okay, seat's down. All right. 247 00:09:17,091 --> 00:09:19,194 Marc, was I supposed to pick you up? Are you... 248 00:09:19,227 --> 00:09:21,362 [groggy] No. Is it tomorrow? Is it tomorrow? 249 00:09:21,396 --> 00:09:23,497 Damn it. You're totally trashed. 250 00:09:23,530 --> 00:09:25,065 Did you eat that whole basket? 251 00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:26,867 What are you doing? I am... I'm meditating, man. 252 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:27,552 - [groans] - This is what they do 253 00:09:27,587 --> 00:09:28,403 in the junkie movies! 254 00:09:28,435 --> 00:09:29,870 - Oh, no! - Okay. 255 00:09:29,904 --> 00:09:31,338 It's either this or that thing 256 00:09:31,372 --> 00:09:32,841 where I have to put ice cubes down your pants, 257 00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:34,175 and I don't think either of us want that. 258 00:09:34,208 --> 00:09:35,843 [groans] I hate you. 259 00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:37,045 Here comes the cold. [turns on shower] 260 00:09:37,078 --> 00:09:39,014 Ohh! 261 00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:40,881 You little monster! 262 00:09:40,915 --> 00:09:42,183 [turns off shower] That may be true. Come on. 263 00:09:42,216 --> 00:09:43,551 All right. Here. 264 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:46,021 - [strained voice] Oh, yes. - What happens now? 265 00:09:46,054 --> 00:09:48,290 Uh, I guess you change out of those wet clothes. 266 00:09:48,323 --> 00:09:49,284 - Can you do that? - [exhales deeply] 267 00:09:49,319 --> 00:09:50,557 'Cause I really don't wanna go there. 268 00:09:50,558 --> 00:09:52,427 Looks like I'm going there. 269 00:09:52,459 --> 00:09:53,560 - [strained voice] I'm gonna change you - Oh. 270 00:09:53,595 --> 00:09:54,560 like a baby. 271 00:09:54,561 --> 00:09:57,298 - Did I pee? - I really hope not. Come on. 272 00:09:57,332 --> 00:09:58,967 - I want my chair! - What? 273 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,035 I want my chair in the car! 274 00:10:01,069 --> 00:10:02,536 Okay. Yeah. We'll get that chair. 275 00:10:02,569 --> 00:10:04,039 Maybe first we'll worry about pants. 276 00:10:04,072 --> 00:10:05,574 What do you think, big guy? 277 00:10:10,011 --> 00:10:12,881 Oh! The captain is here! 278 00:10:12,914 --> 00:10:14,215 And the captain brought a chair! 279 00:10:14,247 --> 00:10:15,449 - Yes, sir. - Wonderful. 280 00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:16,984 - [Emily and Greg chuckle] - Right here. 281 00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:18,319 Hey, have you given any more thought... 282 00:10:18,352 --> 00:10:19,887 [pats leg] to the opening monologue? 283 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,388 Yes, I have. And this is not "The Daily Show," 284 00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:23,891 nor do we have a "Jaywalking" segment, 285 00:10:23,925 --> 00:10:25,894 nor do we have a top ten list. 286 00:10:25,926 --> 00:10:27,161 - Okay. - Yeah. 287 00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:28,929 Um, you know, just keep an open mind. 288 00:10:28,963 --> 00:10:30,899 Nothing's set in stone, but I-I did bring in a writer. 289 00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:33,100 - Uh, Barry? [chuckles] - Hey. 290 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,401 Barry the writer. 291 00:10:34,434 --> 00:10:35,936 I can tell you're a writer 292 00:10:35,969 --> 00:10:37,905 'cause you have a douchey writer's haircut. 293 00:10:37,939 --> 00:10:41,009 Do you trim your balls in the same fashion, Barry? 294 00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:42,410 I was thinking you guys could just spitball. 295 00:10:42,443 --> 00:10:44,946 You know, Barry worked on the "Lampoon" at Harvard. 296 00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:48,150 Ooh. Yeah? So you really paid your dues, huh, Barr? 297 00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:50,951 [laughs] 298 00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,420 Ooh. I think I'm gonna have a nanner. 299 00:10:53,453 --> 00:10:56,256 Oh! What... Whoa! 300 00:10:56,290 --> 00:10:57,992 Come on! 301 00:10:58,025 --> 00:10:59,593 [groans] 302 00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:02,429 What? They don't have back pain at Yale? 303 00:11:02,463 --> 00:11:04,265 I went to Harvard. 304 00:11:04,298 --> 00:11:06,001 I get it. 305 00:11:06,034 --> 00:11:08,602 Is there a conversation you can't wedge that into, Barry? 306 00:11:08,636 --> 00:11:10,939 Ugh. Ow. Ow. Ow! 307 00:11:10,972 --> 00:11:12,607 - I'll just wait here. - Ow! 308 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:14,976 Is this the way out?! 309 00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,544 [car horn honks] 310 00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:23,218 [horns honking and blaring] 311 00:11:25,486 --> 00:11:28,490 [lawn mower whirring] 312 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,664 [exhales deeply] 313 00:11:36,699 --> 00:11:40,954 314 00:11:40,986 --> 00:11:42,355 [turns down amp] 315 00:11:43,490 --> 00:11:45,459 What's happening, man? 316 00:11:45,491 --> 00:11:46,959 - [plastic crinkles] - Aw! 317 00:11:46,993 --> 00:11:48,528 Dude, did you rat me out? 318 00:11:48,561 --> 00:11:50,297 It wasn't me, I swear. 319 00:11:50,330 --> 00:11:52,365 He didn't have to rat you out, junkie boy. 320 00:11:52,399 --> 00:11:54,533 Shut up. I'm fine. 321 00:11:54,567 --> 00:11:58,004 All right? I just had the chair thing and... 322 00:11:58,038 --> 00:11:59,639 you know, my back. 323 00:11:59,672 --> 00:12:01,375 And, uh, the pilot. 324 00:12:01,408 --> 00:12:02,942 I have a lot going on. 325 00:12:02,975 --> 00:12:05,479 There's no way you guys could understand that. 326 00:12:05,511 --> 00:12:08,047 - You know what? As your friend... - Mm. 327 00:12:08,081 --> 00:12:09,548 you should give me the pills. 328 00:12:09,581 --> 00:12:11,051 - No, man! Come on! - [pills rattle] 329 00:12:12,418 --> 00:12:15,054 - All right, fine. I'm done with it. - [opens bottle] 330 00:12:15,087 --> 00:12:17,990 Yeah. You'll thank me later. 331 00:12:18,024 --> 00:12:20,626 Just doing 'em through the pilot. That's it. 332 00:12:20,659 --> 00:12:22,294 All addicts say that. 333 00:12:22,327 --> 00:12:24,363 I heard it on "Intervention." 334 00:12:24,397 --> 00:12:26,033 All right, both of you, get out. 335 00:12:26,066 --> 00:12:27,466 - Come on, Marc. - Seriously. 336 00:12:27,500 --> 00:12:29,302 - We're just here to help you to... - What, Andy? 337 00:12:29,335 --> 00:12:31,304 - All right. - You know what? 338 00:12:31,336 --> 00:12:32,639 Easy does it. 339 00:12:32,672 --> 00:12:34,541 Ah, that's clever. Recovery chatter. 340 00:12:34,573 --> 00:12:36,543 - MARC: Come on, man. - That's it? 341 00:12:36,576 --> 00:12:39,513 - DAVE: You got this. - One... one... one day at a time. 342 00:12:39,546 --> 00:12:41,982 Okay, I'll take it from here. 343 00:12:42,014 --> 00:12:43,216 Thanks. 344 00:12:43,249 --> 00:12:45,252 That was a horrible intervention. 345 00:12:45,284 --> 00:12:46,986 Yeah. Where was my parents? 346 00:12:47,019 --> 00:12:48,321 You know what? He, um... 347 00:12:48,354 --> 00:12:50,557 he just took a Canadian laxative. 348 00:12:50,590 --> 00:12:52,024 [laughs] 349 00:12:52,057 --> 00:12:53,393 What? 350 00:12:53,426 --> 00:12:54,995 Yeah. 351 00:12:55,028 --> 00:12:57,697 - [groans] - Oh, come on, Marc! 352 00:12:57,730 --> 00:12:59,600 - [filing] - Okay, this is officially 353 00:12:59,635 --> 00:13:01,269 getting weird, Marc. 354 00:13:01,301 --> 00:13:03,170 What? These are time-release. 355 00:13:03,202 --> 00:13:05,572 [singsongy] And I don't have the time. 356 00:13:05,605 --> 00:13:07,173 Oh, my God. 357 00:13:07,206 --> 00:13:09,009 Ooh! 358 00:13:09,042 --> 00:13:10,509 [grunts] 359 00:13:10,543 --> 00:13:13,712 [inhales deeply] 360 00:13:13,745 --> 00:13:16,348 Damn! 361 00:13:16,381 --> 00:13:19,251 Whoa. 362 00:13:19,284 --> 00:13:21,520 Okay, can I say something, please? 363 00:13:21,553 --> 00:13:25,625 I don't know who this is that I'm talking to right now, 364 00:13:25,658 --> 00:13:27,193 but you need to deal with this. 365 00:13:27,226 --> 00:13:29,728 - [sniffs, exhales sharply] - Just not today. 366 00:13:29,761 --> 00:13:33,032 Today, you need to drink a shit-ton of coffee 367 00:13:33,066 --> 00:13:34,468 and get to the studio. 368 00:13:34,500 --> 00:13:36,435 And, of course, I'm gonna be stuck helping you, 369 00:13:36,469 --> 00:13:39,039 because even though you've been a total dick to me, 370 00:13:39,072 --> 00:13:43,743 I don't wanna stand there and watch you crash and burn. 371 00:13:43,775 --> 00:13:46,045 You have a very nice voice. 372 00:13:46,078 --> 00:13:47,780 You should sing in a choir. 373 00:13:47,813 --> 00:13:50,483 Come on, let's get in the car. 374 00:13:50,517 --> 00:13:53,120 Come on. There we go. 375 00:13:53,153 --> 00:13:54,387 All right. 376 00:13:54,419 --> 00:13:55,721 Oh, look at that. 377 00:13:55,754 --> 00:13:58,792 Oh, look! She is back! Pull over! 378 00:13:58,825 --> 00:14:00,560 What? Easy! I got... Jeez! 379 00:14:00,592 --> 00:14:02,540 - [tires screech] - Shay is back! 380 00:14:04,797 --> 00:14:06,929 ZOE: Do you know how much gluten is in the bananas? 381 00:14:06,964 --> 00:14:08,802 - [sighs] - They're gluten... 382 00:14:08,835 --> 00:14:10,470 Marc? 383 00:14:10,503 --> 00:14:12,405 - [chuckles] - Hi. 384 00:14:12,437 --> 00:14:14,740 You didn't have to bring the groceries in. 385 00:14:14,774 --> 00:14:17,076 It's good to see you guys. 386 00:14:17,110 --> 00:14:19,111 Are you... are you doing all right? 387 00:14:19,144 --> 00:14:21,480 I love you, guys, so much. 388 00:14:21,514 --> 00:14:23,149 - What? - So much. 389 00:14:23,182 --> 00:14:25,184 Okay. [laughs] 390 00:14:25,217 --> 00:14:27,253 Ooh. We're pregnant. 391 00:14:27,287 --> 00:14:28,622 - Well, we're pregnant. - ZOE: Uh... 392 00:14:28,654 --> 00:14:30,089 - W... - So, actually, um, 393 00:14:30,123 --> 00:14:31,358 we have a legal agreement. 394 00:14:31,390 --> 00:14:32,759 - Doesn't matter. I... - Yeah, you... 395 00:14:32,792 --> 00:14:35,095 - I made that. I made that. - You... you need to leave. 396 00:14:35,128 --> 00:14:36,329 - Hi. Daddy's here. - You need to leave. 397 00:14:36,361 --> 00:14:37,630 Hey, little Marky. 398 00:14:37,663 --> 00:14:40,199 - I... I am the Daddy. - Yeah. 399 00:14:40,232 --> 00:14:41,600 - Wow. - The... the other Mom. 400 00:14:41,634 --> 00:14:44,504 Oh. Hey, I gotta go to the bathroom. 401 00:14:44,537 --> 00:14:47,274 - Oh, yeah? - What are you doin'? 402 00:14:47,307 --> 00:14:49,509 - Well, just make it quick. - Protecting my child. 403 00:14:49,542 --> 00:14:51,144 [sighs] 404 00:14:53,645 --> 00:14:57,183 ZOE: You should not leave the door open. 405 00:14:57,216 --> 00:14:59,785 SHAY: I didn't leave the door open. 406 00:14:59,818 --> 00:15:02,154 [Zoe speaks indistinctly] 407 00:15:02,187 --> 00:15:02,979 Okay. 408 00:15:03,014 --> 00:15:04,290 I'm using the wrong words because I'm upset. 409 00:15:04,323 --> 00:15:05,149 [laughs] 410 00:15:05,184 --> 00:15:07,626 Well, think about how... what... how you... I feel. 411 00:15:07,659 --> 00:15:09,629 - "I feel upset..." - [pills rattle] 412 00:15:09,662 --> 00:15:12,732 - [speaks indistinctly] - I feel upset because Marc is here now. 413 00:15:12,764 --> 00:15:15,367 - [bottle thuds, pills rattle] - And he touched your stomach, 414 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:18,404 - which I... - [speaks indistinctly] Right? 415 00:15:18,437 --> 00:15:19,706 But you shouldn't feel that way. 416 00:15:19,739 --> 00:15:21,307 [speaks indistinctly] 417 00:15:21,341 --> 00:15:22,875 [glass shatters] 418 00:15:22,908 --> 00:15:25,477 - ZOE: Marc, what are you ruining now?! - [laughing] 419 00:15:25,510 --> 00:15:27,846 Get out. 420 00:15:27,879 --> 00:15:29,582 Go. 421 00:15:33,852 --> 00:15:35,621 What? 422 00:15:37,923 --> 00:15:39,491 - [speaks indistinctly] - Hi there. 423 00:15:39,524 --> 00:15:40,726 - Oh! Oh! - Hey! 424 00:15:40,759 --> 00:15:42,162 - Hey, people! - [laughs] Here we go! 425 00:15:42,195 --> 00:15:43,663 Thank God you're here! 426 00:15:43,696 --> 00:15:45,599 Of course I'm here! You guys feelin' this? 427 00:15:45,631 --> 00:15:47,833 I got my chair. We're gonna kill this thing. 428 00:15:47,866 --> 00:15:49,602 I'm loving this positivity. 429 00:15:49,635 --> 00:15:50,903 - Yeah! - It is fantastic. [laughs] 430 00:15:50,937 --> 00:15:52,504 [clenched teeth] You're so late. 431 00:15:52,538 --> 00:15:54,573 Look, before we start, 432 00:15:54,606 --> 00:15:57,376 I just wanna thank you, guys. 433 00:15:57,409 --> 00:16:00,813 You know? From my heart. 434 00:16:02,248 --> 00:16:04,584 Okay, well, we're on in 20. 435 00:16:04,616 --> 00:16:06,852 Ohh. Okay. 436 00:16:06,885 --> 00:16:09,521 Yeah, I need a little "me" time. Is that cool? 437 00:16:09,554 --> 00:16:11,257 Greg? Everyone? You all right? 438 00:16:11,291 --> 00:16:14,107 Yeah. More than all right, Marc. I'm psyched! 439 00:16:14,142 --> 00:16:15,195 - [chuckles] - [laughs] 440 00:16:15,227 --> 00:16:16,395 Hey. 441 00:16:16,428 --> 00:16:17,930 - Yeah! Yeah! - Thank you. 442 00:16:17,964 --> 00:16:20,734 Firm handshake fella, that guy is. 443 00:16:20,767 --> 00:16:22,535 What? Come on. 444 00:16:22,567 --> 00:16:25,237 - Oh, I got a thing I do now. - Mm-hmm. Okay. 445 00:16:25,270 --> 00:16:26,939 - Yeah. It's private. - Yep. Mm-hmm. Oh. 446 00:16:26,972 --> 00:16:28,707 Not... it's not... it's... All right. 447 00:16:28,740 --> 00:16:30,610 That's... that's all right. I'm not gonna... [chuckles] 448 00:16:30,643 --> 00:16:32,646 449 00:16:32,678 --> 00:16:33,913 [pills rattle] 450 00:16:37,817 --> 00:16:40,953 [exhales slowly] We don't need more. We feel great. 451 00:16:40,986 --> 00:16:43,656 Yeah, but about in 10 minutes? What about 3 minutes, huh? 452 00:16:43,690 --> 00:16:45,225 This is the biggest gig of my life. 453 00:16:45,258 --> 00:16:47,293 Exactly! You trying to destroy me? 454 00:16:47,326 --> 00:16:49,395 No! Why would I do that? 455 00:16:49,428 --> 00:16:51,298 You're being paranoid. 456 00:16:51,331 --> 00:16:52,798 Yeah. 457 00:16:55,934 --> 00:16:57,436 [groans] 458 00:16:57,470 --> 00:16:59,306 [chuckles] 459 00:17:01,273 --> 00:17:02,508 [grunts] 460 00:17:04,645 --> 00:17:07,848 Oh, my God. Did I forget to put makeup on? 461 00:17:07,882 --> 00:17:10,885 My pores are the size of little vaginas. 462 00:17:10,919 --> 00:17:12,720 Hey. [chuckling] 463 00:17:12,754 --> 00:17:14,890 - [chuckles] - Hi. 464 00:17:14,922 --> 00:17:16,156 - Come on, then. - All right. 465 00:17:16,190 --> 00:17:17,859 - Are you all right? - Yeah. You all right? 466 00:17:17,892 --> 00:17:19,995 Of course I'm all right. Why you askin'? 467 00:17:20,027 --> 00:17:21,496 - I'm... good. - What? 468 00:17:21,528 --> 00:17:23,565 - Okay. - Yeah! 469 00:17:23,597 --> 00:17:24,899 Yeah, all right. Let's bring in the guest. 470 00:17:24,932 --> 00:17:27,635 [Marc speaks indistinctly] 471 00:17:27,669 --> 00:17:29,671 [music playing] 472 00:17:29,703 --> 00:17:31,672 [mutters] 473 00:17:31,706 --> 00:17:34,009 Eyes open. 474 00:17:34,042 --> 00:17:35,577 - Ohh. - [music stops] 475 00:17:35,610 --> 00:17:37,913 Welcome... to "The Marc Maron Show." 476 00:17:37,946 --> 00:17:39,848 I just named it that 477 00:17:39,881 --> 00:17:42,816 just now on the fly. 478 00:17:42,850 --> 00:17:45,820 "Marc Maron Show." 479 00:17:45,853 --> 00:17:47,889 I... 480 00:17:47,921 --> 00:17:50,558 am known by few. 481 00:17:50,592 --> 00:17:51,927 No, some of you know me. 482 00:17:51,959 --> 00:17:53,495 I have... I have a podcast 483 00:17:53,527 --> 00:17:55,195 I've been doing in my garage for years. 484 00:17:55,228 --> 00:17:58,065 But you can't see it. Now you can see it. 485 00:17:58,098 --> 00:18:00,200 You can see me now. 486 00:18:00,234 --> 00:18:02,037 You can... you can put a face to it. 487 00:18:02,069 --> 00:18:04,672 You can put my face 488 00:18:04,706 --> 00:18:07,943 right in... in your... You're looking at my face. 489 00:18:09,876 --> 00:18:11,712 I hope it's not disappointing. 490 00:18:11,746 --> 00:18:14,950 This show is not going great. 491 00:18:14,982 --> 00:18:18,085 It's not going well. I'm not happy with it. 492 00:18:18,119 --> 00:18:20,121 But, um... 493 00:18:20,153 --> 00:18:23,257 I have confidence in my chair. 494 00:18:23,290 --> 00:18:26,226 I brought my chair from home. 495 00:18:26,259 --> 00:18:27,796 [inhales deeply] 496 00:18:27,828 --> 00:18:29,797 This is a captain's chair, 497 00:18:29,831 --> 00:18:32,567 and I am a captain. 498 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:34,969 But we got a guest. We got, uh... 499 00:18:36,970 --> 00:18:38,539 [blows air] 500 00:18:38,573 --> 00:18:39,873 Ken. 501 00:18:39,907 --> 00:18:41,643 Ken Marino. 502 00:18:41,676 --> 00:18:43,044 I'm gonna give him a real intro. 503 00:18:43,076 --> 00:18:44,613 Come on back. 504 00:18:44,645 --> 00:18:47,248 Come on back, line camera. 505 00:18:49,150 --> 00:18:50,719 Ken Marino. 506 00:18:50,751 --> 00:18:53,721 Uh... love him. 507 00:18:53,755 --> 00:18:55,556 I love him. 508 00:18:55,590 --> 00:18:57,592 - Hey, man. - Hey. 509 00:18:57,624 --> 00:18:58,892 Hey. Hi, Marc. 510 00:18:58,926 --> 00:19:00,629 - What's up? - What's happening? 511 00:19:00,661 --> 00:19:02,096 It's, uh, great it be, uh, your first guest on your show. 512 00:19:02,130 --> 00:19:03,732 Oh. No one else could do it. 513 00:19:03,765 --> 00:19:06,234 - No, I'm very excited about it. - No one. 514 00:19:06,267 --> 00:19:08,169 - No one. - Oh, you mean, no one else can do it. 515 00:19:08,201 --> 00:19:10,904 No, I mean, if you're here, that means, like, uh, 516 00:19:10,938 --> 00:19:12,712 like, Dax Shepard couldn't do it. 517 00:19:12,747 --> 00:19:14,481 Well. I'm lower on the list than Dax Shepard. 518 00:19:14,516 --> 00:19:15,142 [laughs] 519 00:19:15,176 --> 00:19:17,112 - [chuckles] - No, buddy, it's not... No, not... 520 00:19:17,144 --> 00:19:18,680 No, I'm excited. I'm... I'm happy to be on the list. 521 00:19:18,712 --> 00:19:20,748 Yeah. So... 522 00:19:20,782 --> 00:19:24,919 what have I seen you in... like, lately? 523 00:19:24,951 --> 00:19:26,286 - Uh... - Like, I remember you did that thing 524 00:19:26,319 --> 00:19:28,922 when I was, like, young. There was a lot... 525 00:19:28,956 --> 00:19:30,859 - Oh, "The State." - A lot of you guys. 526 00:19:30,892 --> 00:19:32,794 - Yeah, "The State." - I didn't like most of you, 527 00:19:32,826 --> 00:19:35,930 but I didn't really... I-I didn't register you at all. 528 00:19:35,962 --> 00:19:37,598 I did see you do some stand-up back then. 529 00:19:37,632 --> 00:19:39,267 Right. 530 00:19:39,299 --> 00:19:41,769 So... what are you doin' now? 531 00:19:41,803 --> 00:19:43,103 I'm doing a show called "Marry Me." 532 00:19:43,136 --> 00:19:44,838 It's a sitcom on NBC. 533 00:19:44,872 --> 00:19:47,342 - Mnh-mnh. - No, I am. 534 00:19:47,374 --> 00:19:48,977 So what, you just wake up in the morning and say, like, 535 00:19:49,009 --> 00:19:51,145 "I wanna be pathetic"? 536 00:19:51,179 --> 00:19:53,180 - "I wanna be pathetic." - [whispers] Oh. 537 00:19:53,213 --> 00:19:55,316 "I gotta do my sitcom." 538 00:19:56,683 --> 00:19:58,118 Dude... 539 00:19:58,151 --> 00:20:00,788 Yes? 540 00:20:00,822 --> 00:20:02,724 Do you have a cigarette? 541 00:20:02,757 --> 00:20:04,124 What? 542 00:20:04,158 --> 00:20:05,627 You have a cigarette? Do you have a cigarette? 543 00:20:05,660 --> 00:20:07,128 Do I have a... No, I don't... No. No, no. 544 00:20:07,161 --> 00:20:08,962 I don't smoke. 545 00:20:08,996 --> 00:20:10,297 Does anyone have a cigarette? 546 00:20:10,331 --> 00:20:13,001 Any of you gaffers? I want a Union cigarette. 547 00:20:13,034 --> 00:20:14,369 - [chuckles] - Look at that. 548 00:20:14,401 --> 00:20:15,969 Reds, dude. Reds. That's what I started with. 549 00:20:16,003 --> 00:20:19,374 There you go. There you go. 550 00:20:20,842 --> 00:20:22,310 You're doing a great job. 551 00:20:22,343 --> 00:20:24,813 Thanks. No, and this is your first show, right? 552 00:20:24,845 --> 00:20:27,082 - Mm-hmm. - Yeah. 553 00:20:27,114 --> 00:20:28,982 It's, uh... 554 00:20:29,016 --> 00:20:31,018 Just 'cause you're... Can't understand something 555 00:20:31,052 --> 00:20:34,155 doesn't mean that you have to label me some idiot. 556 00:20:34,188 --> 00:20:37,092 [laughs] 557 00:20:37,124 --> 00:20:38,392 It's a pleasure. Right. 558 00:20:38,426 --> 00:20:42,330 I am right. It's guys like you that ruined it. 559 00:20:42,363 --> 00:20:44,164 - What did I ruin? - [thud] 560 00:20:44,198 --> 00:20:45,667 Oh, jeez. 561 00:20:45,700 --> 00:20:47,235 Oh, my God. 562 00:20:47,267 --> 00:20:49,170 Tom Snyder smoked. 563 00:20:49,202 --> 00:20:52,406 Tom Snyder smoked. Tom Snyder smoked. Tom Snyder smoked. 564 00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:54,676 - It's riveting television. - [Marc speaks indistinctly] 565 00:20:54,709 --> 00:20:56,276 KEN: I'm just trying to be a good guest. 566 00:20:56,309 --> 00:20:59,489 Tom Snyder smoked. Tom Snyder smoked, smoked, smoked, smoked. 567 00:20:59,524 --> 00:21:03,118 568 00:21:03,152 --> 00:21:11,287 Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com 569 00:21:11,337 --> 00:21:15,887 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 39912

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