All language subtitles for Maron s03e02 The Request.eng

Hi, there.

Hi.

My friends and I were
watching you from over there.

Oh, really?
Uh, well, I'm Marc.

Yeah, um, Marc...
[chuckles]

are you here
with anyone?

Oh, no, I'm not.
I'm actually single.

I'm just, uh, you know,
watching the kids.

Yeah, well, my friends and I
think you need to leave.

What?

- [children shouting indistinctly]
- _

Is that a thing?
Is that... that's a real sign?

I'm sorry.
You know, child molesters...

No, I don't know child molesters,
and that's insulting.

God! What is... what is
happening to this world?!

We don't want to call
the police.

The police?

I just come
to this stupid park

to watch these goddamn kids
"in a nice way," and now...

Oh, really?
O-Okay. Fine.

Fine. Jesus Christ.
I'm leaving.

It's a great park. You know,
there's a highway right there.

Your kids
are getting black lung.

You're a great mother.

Hope you feel good
about yourself.

Look, I'm leaving.
Ridiculous.

["The Poisoned Well" plays]

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com

All my friends
are getting married now.

Well, that's gonna happen, man.
I've lost a lot of people to marriage.

I mean, I'm cool with
going out of town for a wedding...

Yeah.

...but if you say you're having
a destination wedding...

Right.

...don't make it sound like
you're getting married in Cabo,

then I find out I have to fly
to Tallahassee.

It's still technically
a destination.

Well, if you're lucky enough
not to live there, sure.

Right. That's a little harsh
on Tallahassee.

[chuckles]

But I understand. I mean, who
are all these people, though?

You still friends with people
you went to high school with?

- Yeah.
- Really?

Mm-hmm. They all have
their day jobs to go to now.

Oh, yeah.
Well, that's the life...

that's the life they live,
not the life we live.

- We live the comic's life, right?
- [chuckles]

The life of
perpetual adolescence.

- Hell, yeah.
- [chuckles]

The best life. I mean, my friends,
they get real jealous.

Well, why wouldn't they?
Here's their schedule.

They wake up at 6:30,
and that's in the morning.

- Yeah.
- Then they spend 12 hours in an office,

go home to their wife, and
then repeat every day, right?

- Right, yeah.
- You know, here's my schedule.

- Okay.
- I wake up whenever the hell I want.

- Right.
- Usually alone.

Uh, and then I,
you know,

dick around on the guitar
all afternoon.

- Sure, sure.
- Maybe go see a movie.

- Why not?
- And then I'll go, uh,

hook up with a chick
I'll meet online.

Right.

Sprinkle in the occasional
checkup with the dick doctor,

and I'm good to go.

Well, I'm... I'm glad
you're dating quality people.

- Hey, nothing but the best.
- Yeah, that's... Look, who am I to judge?

I live the same life.

Going on, like, what,
30 to 35 years now.

Dude,
that's kind of sad.

What do you mean?

[chuckling]
How old are you?

Like 60?

What do you...
I'm 51 years old.

- All alone?
- What?

You're Will Smith
in "I Am Legend."

Well,
that's cold-blooded, man.

Maybe I like to see myself

more as Charlton Heston
in "Omega Man."

I didn't understand a word
in that last sentence.

Hey.

Hey, man.

How's it going
with those merch orders?

Pretty good.

I'll take this batch to the post office
as soon as I'm done.

All right, cool.

So, uh, you want to go
to the movies later?

Oh, man, Marc,
I would love to,

especially since you never really
ask me to do friend things...

but I'm kind of hanging out
with my girlfriend.

Girlfriend?

Yeah. Yeah, I mean,
I can cancel,

like, if you need
some bro time, but...

No, I don't ever
need bro time.

I mean, I just thought...
Uh, never mind.

Okay.
Well, h-hey, though.

Don't you have that, um,
brunch tomorrow?

With the...
the lesbians?

Why you got to say it
so weird?

Y-You know, they're...
they're just a couple,

and they're married.

And they're women.

Yeah.
I like lesbians.

[sighs]

Oh, hey,
speaking of love,

what are you doing
Wednesday night?

There's this
group art show thing

that should be
pretty cool,

because my lady is opening up
a new gallery.

I'd love it
if you could meet her.

She's an artist?

Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Big time.

Wow.
Is it... is it serious?

[exhales deeply]

Well,
not to kiss and tell,

but things have really been
heating up in the boudoir.

All right, you know what?
Don't.

Man, Marc,
I got to tell you...

we are expanding
the erotic boundaries

of what two people
can do in the confines...

All right.

...of a twin,
extra-long bed.

All right, all right.
Just stop.

I mean, sometimes I don't know where
my body begins, where her body ends.

- All right, no. No.
- We're just...

You know,
I never really understood

that phrase
"all up in dat,"

but I have been
"all up in dat."

All right, how about we stop
talking about this?

What... what kind of artist
is she?

Is she a performance artist,
a visual artist?

Visual... painter.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Does she do figurative
or abstract work?

I don't know.

Well, when you look at
a painting,

do you say, "Oh,
there's a bowl of fruit."

or do you say, "I don't know
what that is. I feel weird."?

- That.
- Abstract.

- Ohh.
- Mm.

That reminds me of the time
I got home from a business trip

just to find Shay neck-deep
in a crafting binge.

- [laughter]
- Come on!

You suggested that I get a hobby
when I moved here.

Marc, you know what I'm talking about
with this weird craft art, right?

Oh, yeah.
I definitely do.

Well,
we've got to take off.

We're gonna go eat
some Baked Bears

and see "2001" projected in
70 millimeter at the Cinerama Dome.

Yes. That sounds great.

- What are Baked Bears?
- They're weed gummy bears.

Oh, my God. Did I quit doing weed
before the party started?

They make it now
for, like, five-year-olds?

Yeah, you want to see?

Oh, they're just like...
Yeah. Yeah.

- Cool. Well, we will walk you guys out.
- Okay.

All right.
See you guys later.

[clears throat]

I'm gonna need that back.
It's a long movie.

- Sorry, buddy.
- That's all right.

- Okay, man. Have fun.
- Thank you.

Hey, when was the last time
you guys seasoned

this cast iron pan?

I'll tell you what...
I'm gonna clean it,

then we're gonna season
the iron,

and it's gonna be
like new.

I've still got the cast iron
that I had in college.

What's happening?

We have a request.

Yeah,
it's more of a favor.

[sighs]

Will you father
our child?

What?

[chuckles]

We're trying to conceive,

and we want you to be
the sperm donor.

Why me?

You know me.
I have problems.

No, you have the qualities
that we would like

in a biological father.

You're artistic
and smart.

You have a great head of hair
for a guy your age.

Which would be great
if we had a boy.

Oh, my God. A boy.

And it would really piss off
my racist mother

if her grandchild
was part Jewish.

Mm.

[exhales sharply]

[chuckling] Okay, so they
want you to father their child?

No, it's... it's not "fathering."
I don't have to father.

I just have to donate.
I'm a donor.

Marc, that is crazy.

Well, what can I tell you?
Crazy seems to find me.

Yeah, and crazy wants you
to give it your sperm now.

But... b-but wait,
is it that crazy?

Yes.
Do they know you at all?

I mean, have they met
your parents?

I think your genetic line
should probably stop here.

Why? I mean,
I have good qualities.

Come on, Whitney.

I mean, I'm artistic.
I'm smart.

I have a... a nice hairline
for a guy my age.

Yeah,
but there's something

that doesn't, like,
smell right about it.

You know?
I mean, there's...

there's got to be something
more complicated going on.

Like, you don't know why
they're having kids.

They... you know, they live
down the street from you.

That's weird.

Wait a minute.
Are you projecting?

Do you want to have
my baby?

Look,
I would call this all off

if you would just agree
to have my baby.

I think there are
enough monsters

in the world already,
Marc.

No, Whitney, there's never
enough monsters in the world.

[chuckles]

[water running]

[sizzling]

[blues music playing]

Okay. Well, I've thought
about this long and hard,

and I-I think that,
um, you know,

I don't want to live my life

without giving something
to the next generation.

I think you two
will be great parents.

You'll raise the kid right.
You'll give it a good home.

So...

- Thank you.
- Oh, man, that's so sweet, really.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Mm.

So, all right.
Let's... let's do this.

Great. Um, so, just sign
these papers.

- Yeah.
- Mm.

- Right...?
- Yeah, right there.

And we'll just get that
notarized, and...

Oh! There it is.

[sighing] Okay.

Hey. Come on in.

Okay.

I, uh...
I didn't know what protocol was.

Uh, should I have brought
flowers

or a bottle of wine
or something?

I've never done this
before.

- No, you didn't have to bring anything.
- Okay.

How are you feeling
about this?

I feel great.

I've, uh... I've held back
for, like, two days.

I haven't gone that long without
an orgasm in like two decades.

- Yeah.
- Wait.

H-How are we doing this?

We're doing
a home-insemination kit.

- Oh. Oh.
- Yeah. It's right over here.

Will that work?

I hope so.
[chuckles]

We decided fertility doctors
are too expensive.

Yeah, and, um...

th-this kit has, uh,
4 1/2 stars on Amazon.

That's a good rating.

I have a... I have a blender
with that rating,

and it's great.
I-I'm very happy with it.

Great.
Oh, and you got the Fun Pack.

I haven't seen one of those
in a long time.

When I was 11,
uh, me and my friends

stole one of those
from a Circle K.

It was a... it was a big day.
We learned a lot.

- I don't know what you're into...
- Mm.

...but there should be something
in there that'll work.

- Mm... yeah.
- Yeah?

Or, uh, you could borrow
a laptop.

Ooh. Maybe if I borrowed
your laptop.

Do you have stuff bookmarked,
'cause that might be fun for me.

- You know?
- Uh, we... we like guy-on-guy.

Oh. Uh, well,
who would have thought that?

I... No, I'm good without that.
Um, n-no.

Okay, well, then, uh,
just wank off into that,

and we'll take it
from there.

- Okay.
- And you can, uh...

You know what?
I-I think I'm good, actually.

I think I'm just
gonna go with, uh,

what I got in my head...
old school.

- Gonna use my fantasies.
- Okay.

- Got a lot up there.
- Oh, yeah, you do.

I still got my mom's friends
from high school

in... in there...
All right. I'm gonna... Okay.

[spits]

[faint indistinct conversation]

ZOE: I can't believe
you're bringing this up again.

- We have a plan.
- SHAY: You're so selfish.

Do you want this to work,
or not?

Of course
I want it to work!

And do you want to
draw it out forever,

or do you want to
just get it over with?

Okay! Fine!

[footsteps]

[knock on door]

Hello?

Uh, you didn't finish,
did you?

No.
Just getting warmed up.

Okay. Uh, great.

We just want to talk to you
for a second,

if you wouldn't mind
coming out.

Please wash your hands.

What's up?

Uh, so, we discussed it,
and we have a new strategy.

Yeah?

We want to...
conceive naturally.

What do you mean?

Um, the old-fashioned way.

Oh, so you want me
to have sex with...?

With her.

The odds are just
so much better that way.

Unless you don't
want to have sex.

No, no.
I-I'll have sex.

When do you want
to do this?

- [breathing heavily]
- [mattress creaking]

So, uh, do you want
a boy or girl?

Um, I don't know. Why?

Well, I could...
I could angle it.

- Oh.
- It's a joke. It's a joke.

[sighs]

Um, s-sorry. How long
do you think this is gonna take?

It takes longer
when it's weird.

- Yeah, I understand.
- Yeah.

[clears throat]

Hey, could I... could I
maybe take my shirt off

so it's
a little more casual?

No. I-I'm not comfortable
with that.

All right.
Okay.

Have you guys seen,
uh, "Handmaid's Tale"?

- SHAY: Uh, no. No.
- I don't think so.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. It's gonna be okay.
Y-You're gonna be okay.

Yeah, I just didn't expect it
to feel like this.

Okay, okay. Stop talking,
so I can focus, please.

All right. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Oh, God!

Oh, no!

Oh, why isn't this
any fun?

This is usually
always fun.

Um...?

Um...?

[weakly] It's done.

You can get off her.

- Okay.
- Just, uh...

You got it in, though,
yeah?

- Oh, yeah.
- Okay.

[indistinct conversation]

Oh, Marc.

What's up, man?

What's up?
So glad you could make it!

- Sure, buddy.
- Come meet my lady love.

Hi.

- Louise.
- Oh.

- Marc. Marc, Louise.
- Hi.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.
- Okay.

Some of the guys from my sketch group
are here. I'll be right back.

- Okay.
- Huh.

Uh...

So, uh,
it's a pretty cool show.

Thanks.
Yeah, me and my friends

worked hard
to get it open in time.

Yeah. Well, I mean,
I can tell this guy

kind of wants to be
Mark Grotjahn, right?

Oh. Um, I don't see it.

Really? I bet if you asked
the guy that painted that,

he would tell you
as much.

Um, I'm... I'm actually
the guy who painted it.

No. Oh, my God. I'm sorry.
I'm embarrassed.

No, don't be embarrassed.
You know what?

'Cause, if I...
if I squint,

then I can kind of see what you mean.
You know?

Okay, well, that is
the sign of any good piece of art.

- It is, right?
- Yeah, absolutely.

A lot of people don't know that,

- but, yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah?

- [chuckling] Okay.
- [chuckles]

You and Kyle?

Yes. Me and Kyle.

Well... Kyle?

Yeah. Kyle.

Yeah. I don't see it.

Uh, maybe if I squint.

- I don't know.
- [cell phone chimes]

Oh.

Oh. I got to, uh...
I got to go.

- Okay.
- It was nice meeting you.

- Nice meeting you.
- Okay.

- KYLE: Louise, watch.
- Okay.

I'm, like,
super-close here.

[grunts]

[sighs]
I feel like Woody Harrelson.

- Oh. Right.
- "Hunger Games."

That's good.

What do you think that is?
Like 14 feet?

There's an emergency?

I am at the optimal
body temperature for ovulation.

- What does that mean?
- It means we need to have sex again.

- Let's get in the bedroom.
- Wait! Where's Zoe?

- She's out with her co-workers.
- And she's okay with this?

If I'm okay, she's okay.

- Are you sure?
- She's fine with it.

Oh, you can take your shirt off
this time.

Oh.

Oh. Okay. All right.
Don't you have your own house?

- Sorry.
- Hi, Marc.

Hi.

Um, I just came by

so that you could autograph
those coop show posters

for the charity auction,
and then...

I mean,
can you blame me?

Okay. All right. Well, get them.
I'll sign them.

Oh. Um, I got to find them,
and then...

A little more.

- Okay.
- [both chuckle]

I just got something...

[laughs]

Hey, I, uh...
I'm sorry about last night.

I think I said
your work was derivative.

Oh. You compared my work
to Mark Grotjahn.

That's a compliment.

At least
you didn't accuse me

of trying to rip off
Leroy Neiman.

- [chuckles] That's true.
- Yeah.

But could you do a portrait of me that
would be suitable for a Burger King cup?

Oh, I mean, I could try.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Marc, if you will just
go ahead and s...

- It's empty.
- It's empty.

Aw, Kyle.
[chuckles]

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

- Bye, Lou Lou.
- Bye.

- [chuckles]
- All right.

What's the deal
with you two?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean,
w-what do you see in him?

What's really
going on here?

When you date a younger woman,
do you have ulterior motives?

Probably. Sometimes.

But, I mean, it's Kyle.
It's just... it's weird.

He's cute.
He makes me laugh.

It hasn't been so easy for me
the last few years.

Um... I just
want to have fun.

It's lonely out there.

- Yeah. Yeah, I get that.
- Yeah.

[banging on door]

If you're going to have sex
with my wife,

I'd appreciate it
if I was there when it happened.

[door slams]

Wow. And you think
my situation is weird?

Hey! It's Marc Maron.

- [indistinct arguing]
- I'm coming in.

- ZOE: Money?!
- Do you think that I actually enjoyed...

- Marc! Oh, my... you shouldn't be here.
- Look, let's talk about this.

No, you and I did talk!
That's all that needed to be said!

I didn't do anything wrong.

Look, I said it wasn't his fault.
I told him you were fine with it.

All right, let me...
let me talk, all right?

We should have just set
some guidelines

for how and when
I could have sex with your wife.

- Right.
- Yeah, because that was really messed up!

- Look! I just want to get pregnant!
- No!

Like, do you think I enjoyed it?
It was tedious.

- She did not enjoy it a-at all.
- He took his shirt off!

- Yeah, well...
- Do you even want to get pregnant?

Uh, yeah. Probably.

It could be...
good for us.

That is not a good reason
to have a baby.

- Shut up!
- Shut up!

What do you mean
"probably"?

I'm having sex with this,
and you're ambivalent?

Y-You know what? "This" has a name.
My name is Marc.

- Shut up!
- Shut up!

I drove across the country
to be with you!

And I'm the only one in this relationship
that's doing any work!

Well, I think you just want
to have this baby

so that I'll stick around.

And if I didn't,
would you?

I don't know.

You don't know?

All right, okay.
Look, look, look, look, look.

Listen, listen. You guys came
to me because you needed help.

This stuff
has nothing to do with me.

A-A-And you have issues
you got to work out, all right?

You guys are the worst
potential parents I have seen

since, I don't know,
my parents.

Get out of our house.

I'm leaving, lady.

Faster!

- Out of this house.
- Oh.

Let's face it, folks.
Nobody wants to be alone, right?

And I think most of us would do
some pretty drastic stuff

to keep our relationships
together,

even if all signs point
to that being a bad idea.

Just... It's our nature.
We're people.

Even my parents...
my parents had me

to try to salvage their
disintegrating relationship.

Look, I-I don't know where
I'm going with this, folks,

but, uh, I will say this.

Don't ask your neighbor
for his sperm

if you're trying to have
a baby

to keep your relationship
together.

All right?
That's all I'm saying.

That is some of the weirdest,
most specific advice

I've given on this show.

[children shouting indistinctly]

So it's over?

She moved out.

That sucks, man.
I haven't been alone in forever.

You'll get used to it.

I just don't know
how to start again.

Well, you got a cat,
right?

That's a... that's
a pretty good starting place.

Oh, God.

I hope we don't have
a kid out there.

Who's "we"?

[sighs]

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