All language subtitles for Maron s03e01 Stroke of Luck.eng

[cell phone vibrates]

Hey, babe?

You have coffee on?

[sighs]

Hey, Linds. You might want to
come in here and see this

before it goes away.

You might want to, you know,
do something with it.

Never mind.

What? So, I just can't count
on you for anything.

Take it easy. I thought
it was a normal Monday.

I didn't know he was off
for teacher conferences.

So, you don't write anything
down on calendars?

I mean, come on, Joaquin.

When I make a mistake,
it's because I'm an idiot.

But when you make
a mistake,

it's because,
"I'm so overwhelmed."

Yeah, I am overwhelmed

because you're an idiot,
all right?

It's bad enough that
you load him up on sugar.

Oh.

- Should I...?
- [sighs]

Marc, this is my son,
Jackson.

This is Joaquin.

You all know
about each other.

Hey, everybody.
[chuckles]

I bought that robe.

It's very soft.

[chuckles]

I don't wear it a lot.

["The Poisoned Well" plays]

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com

Ugh.
I am sorry about that.

He wasn't supposed to
bring my son today,

but it's all fine now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's fine.

It's a little weird.

Yeah. I mean, it's not the way
I wanted you to meet Jackson.

Like, it's soon,
right?

Well, it's not that soon.

I mean, we've been together
for two months.

Yeah, but I heard
that you're... it's...

you're supposed to wait...
wait, like, six months.

I read that.

Oh, okay. All right.

- Well, it happened.
- Okay.

And now you're gonna
have to deal with it.

- Okay.
- Okay?

- Yeah.
- All right. Come here.

- Ooh. What...
- Give me that bony ass.

Yeah, is it bony?
It's not fat?

No, not at all.
It's totally bony.

- [laughs]
- All right. I got to go.

What? No, I thought you
were staying today.

No, I have meetings
with agents.

I'm looking for one with enough
juice to get me a talk show.

So, are they still here?

Uh, Joaquin left
a while ago.

Is Jackson out there?

He's riding his bike.

Okay.

Marc?

Sometimes shit gets real.

Right. Real.

Got it.

Okay,
so what's the deal?

You... you want to go
with this guy?

[scoffs] We're gonna see
loads of people today,

then we'll talk about it
and see who you like best.

What if I don't like
any of them?

Oh, you think
that's a given?

Oh, my God.
What?

I can't stand
this song and dance, man.

Why can't you just get me
a talk show?

Well, because that is
what an agent does.

I'm a manager.

Oh, what do you do?

I... Thank you.

That is extremely offensive,
and I'm not answering it.

No, I... Whatever it is,
it's quite a racket.

Oh! N...

How are you
and Lindsey?

Uh, just...
moving too fast.

Oh, my God.
So you're gonna screw it up.

No, she just wants me to have
a relationship with her kid.

Oh, shh... right. I have seen
you and Lindsey together.

You are perfect
together.

Screw it up,
you'll die alone.

It's a little dramatic. You're
like an annoying Helen Mirren.

Oh, God. Any woman willing
to put up with you is a saint...

a saint, I say.

You know what?
I want a male agent.

- Get in. Stop speaking.
- No, why don't you go?

- You're a lady.
- Fine.

Look, no bullshit...
you're having a moment.

Uh, a lot of people are gonna
make a lot of promises,

but this agency is uniquely
positioned to make you pop.

Really? In what way?

Our infrastructure.

Not only would you be covered
by our TV department,

but also new media, reality,
film, and lit.

You want your name
on a book?

We'll find someone
to write it for you.

MARC: Actually,
I'm just, uh, interested

in pursuing a talk show.

Which is exactly
our wheelhouse.

We represent two women on
"The View," one on "The Talk."

One on "The View,"
three on "The Talk."

Three on "The View."

How many on "The Talk"?

"The Talk"
is a piece of shit.

Yeah.

So, which
did you like best?

'Cause there's
so much choice.

Really? I thought they all
seemed the same to me.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- So, wait...

is "The Talk"
really a piece of shit?

Yeah, God.

Okay, so then why do you keep
trying to get me on it?

Uh... well... [laughs]

I couldn't get you
on "The View."

Hi.

When you got the attention,
were you ready?

Did you feel like... like,
"I can handle it."?

No. Suddenly, I'm on the cover
of Time magazine,

and, of course, I was, uh,
married to my first wife

who was iconic, and we met
and started out

a-at the same time...
Barbra.

- Streisand?
- So...

- That's her name.
- Uh-huh, yeah.

- Barbra Joan Streisand.
- Yeah.

When you first became,
like, the... a guy, you're like,

"I'm now... I'm Elliott Gould,
and I have a little juice.

I'd like to do what?"

I said, "I want to meet
Elvis Presley."

- [laughs] Naturally.
- Yeah.

Yeah, so, uh, I-I-I...

we arranged it for me
to go to Las Vegas.

- Mm-hmm.
- See his show

and then go backstage, uh,
to meet him, which I did.

So, I go backstage,
and there's Colonel Tom Parker.

Right.

And Elvis' father
and their whole entourage.

- Red and Sonny.
- Yeah.

A-And Elvis
is standing there

with a gold .45
in his waistband.

- Makes sense.
- And so, I wanted to see

if I could just talk
with him privately.

I said, "Uh, Elvis,
why don't you come out

and hang out with us?"

And did he?

Well, no, uh, he just...
he didn't do it.

He said to me,
"Hey, man, you're crazy."

I said,
"I ain't crazy, Elvis.

I'm scared just like you."

And he said,
"Well, how could you...

Why did you
and Barbra split up?

You're two
of my favorite people."

And I said,
"Shut up, Elvis."

- You said, "Shut up, Elvis"?
- Yeah.

And that was
the end of it?

- Don't be cruel.
- [laughs]

I really want to say
thanks again, Elliott.

That was a real honor
for me.

I mean, you're... you're
kind of an idol of mine.

When I was a kid,
you were, like,

the epitome of Jewish cool,
you know.

No, I don't know
about that.

But you're a very good
interviewer.

Did you ever think about doing
a real TV talk show

instead of this... this thing
you do in your tool shed?

Well, it's a garage,

but, yeah, of course,
I think about it.

That's the plan.
I just need an agent.

So, you're looking
for an agent?

- Yes.
- I may know the guy.

David Rosen.
He's a kingmaker.

Okay, all right.

Well, that's very...
very, uh, gracious of you.

I mean, it...
it's not putting you out.

- No, no. It's a pleasure.
- You sure?

- Absolutely.
- Okay.

You don't get too many shots
in this business.

You need someone who knows
where the bodies are buried.

- Mm.
- And he's put quite a few in the ground.

Yeah, that's...
that's amazing.

I do need a guy
with power.

Great. Great.
Thank you.

David Rosen.

David Rosen.

And Richard Pryor,
for most of his career.

Carlin
for five minutes.

And, of course, Dangerfield.
He was my guy.

I was the one who told him
to sell aluminum siding.

And I was the one who pulled
his ass out of there.

That's amazing.
So, like, when... when he says,

"no respect," he's probably...
he's probably talking about you.

Oh, I respected him.
He just wasn't ready yet.

Now, you...
you, you're ready.

I heard your interviews
on the computer.

Could you hand me
that, dear?

You need to be on TV
behind a desk.

MARC:
Well, actually, I-I...

He doesn't, uh,
work behind a desk.

It's more
like a workbench.

Huh.

[laughs] What,
we're fighting over a desk?

[laughs]
We're making millions here.

I don't give a shit.
Do it on a ping-pong table.

[laughter]

So... so, do we have
a match here?

Hey, oh... oh...
oh, w-well, obviously,

uh, Mr. Rosen's a legend.

But... but I've really got
to pass it by my manager first,

so I can...

Of course,
it's a yes for you.

I was talking
to Mr. Rosen.

Elliott, I was sold on him
before he walked through the door.

I believe in you, Marc.

You got something special.

Well, thanks.

You know, I didn't want to
get out of bed today.

I didn't think
I had it in me.

But I am so grateful
I did.

His wife died.
It's been very hard for him.

You're just
what he needed.

What?

To new relationships.

- Marco.
- Okay.

We're gonna shop you
to all three networks.

[laughs]

Yes, yes.
This is the right man.

[laughs] Okay.

I don't even know what happened in there.
I mean I... I don't think I said yes.

I was just beat up
by these two old guys.

They... they should be
in "The Expendables."

- "The Dependables."
- Shut up.

Look, you took a meeting
without your manager present.

This is your fault.

Oh, okay,
so now it's about you.

Now it's about
your insecurities.

Now it's about
your bad puns.

Ooh. Uh, you do know
that David Rosen

doesn't even rep Elliott Gould
anymore, right?

- What?
- He dumped him like 20 years ago.

He's now represented
by Brandon Depaolo.

No, I know that guy.
So, what happened in there then?

What... what... what...
what happened with me?

Was I just gifted?

Was I... was I
given as a gift

from one old guy
to a really old guy?

Was it like when my cat La Fonda
brings a... a bird in

in her mouth
and gives it to me?

What... I mean,
what happened in...

You got to get me
out of it.

No. [laughs] You get yourself
out of your own mess.

Oh, come on.

[cell phone vibrates]

Now what?

Okay.

Hey, baby.

Hey, skinny. [laughs]

Look, I'm sorry that
yesterday was so weird.

No, no, no. I-I think I could
have handled it better.

Well, I'm gonna give you
a chance to handle me better.

Do you want to come over
for dinner?

- Don't you have Jackson tonight?
- Yeah.

But, you know,
now that the ice is broken,

I thought maybe you could
spend some time together.

- Eh, eh.
- Lovely.

So, you can come over
and screw me,

but you can't spend
five minutes with my son?

Oh, yeah.
Five minutes I could do.

I'm sorry,
I have a life, Marc.

All right, I'm not
some real doll

that you can just wash out
afterwards.

Well, that's nasty.

I know... I know
you're not a real doll.

I... Well, okay, I'll come over.
I'm coming over.

No, you know what?
Forget it, all right?

I don't want you
to come over.

No, I'm coming,
and I'm bringing a kite.

- Does the kid like kites?
- Goodbye!

All right,
I'm bringing dessert.

Hello?

You're so good at, like,
killing relationships.

Call David Rosen.

You're a monster.

It's weird.
When I date women my own age,

almost always,
I feel like I'm auditioning

for the role of
The Last Good Man on Earth.

And generally,
I get a few callbacks,

but I don't get the job.

And I think it's because
I don't take notes well.

[knocks on door]

Hey.

Hi. Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm, uh,
Lindsey's... uh, boyfriend.

- Oh. Marc, yeah.
- Right.

I'm Jackson's babysitter.

Hey, I have an exam tomorrow.
I really have to take off.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Would you mind?

No, wait a minute.
Where's Lindsey?

Out.
Hey, can you pay me?

I really need it.

What? How much?

- $45.
- Seriously?

$45?

I have...
I have three $20's.

Perfect. Thank you.

Wait, what just happened?

The woman robbed me.

[door closes]

[sighs]

Hey, buddy.
Remember me?

Marc... I was wearing
your mother's robe

- the other day.
- I remember.

Yeah, that was soft.

You want to eat
some cake?

All right, let me put it
another way.

I'm gonna eat some cake,
but I'll... I'll feel guilty

if I eat it alone,
so I'm gonna...

I'm gonna need you
to eat some cake with me.

Okay.

All right, great.

You're gonna be
my littler enabler.

It's gonna be amazing.

[door opens]

Hey.

What are you
doing here?

What are you not
doing here?

Well, when I told you
not to come over,

I assumed you
weren't coming over.

I brought a cake, and now
I'm all ashamed of myself,

and your kid is
this horrible enabler.

How much of that
did he eat?

I'd like to think we split it,
but I'm pretty sure I ate more.

[sighs] You let him eat
all of that sugar.

Jesus, Marc.
He's gonna be up all night.

Yeah, it really looks like
he's gonna be up all night.

I didn't know what to do
with the situation.

I just had some cake.

Look, it's fine,
all right?

I will just deal with it

when he gets up
in the middle of the night

and can't go back
to sleep.

[sighs] Okay.

Well, did you guys
have fun?

I mean, did he show you
his hexbugs? [chuckles]

- Did you set this up?
- What?

I mean, I come over here
for dinner,

and strangely,
you're not here.

I didn't know
you were coming over.

Then the babysitter just splits
like it was planned.

What are you accusing me of
exactly?

You wanted me to bond
with your kid,

so it would, like,
suck me into being a stepdaddy

for the rest of my life.

You are so paranoid.

Your parents really did
a number on you.

Well, congratulations.
You got me all figured out.

Wha...

[laughs]

[laughs] What?
Is that funny?

- [laughs]
- Why is that funny?

I don't know.
It just felt... what?

Oh, come here.

- Oh, now I'm like...
- Come on.

All right, okay.

- Aww.
- Okay.

Oh, it's okay.

I'm okay. Am I okay?

All right.
I got to... I have to go.

Bye.

Hey, Elliott,
it's Marc Maron.

Hey, Marc, I'm so glad that
you and David hit it off.

Yeah, man.
You know, David...

yeah, I love David,
but... but...

Great. Because he thinks
the world of you, too.

Well, I... Well,
that's very nice.

Well, you know,
he's a very special guy.

He was a P.O.W. in Korea,

and they kept him there for
a couple of years after the war,

and he never once
gave up hope.

That's the kind of guy
who is working for you.

Wow.
He's a P.O.W., huh?

They don't make them
any tougher than that.

Exactly.
So, don't worry.

I don't even see this
as a setback,

and it won't slow him
down one bit.

Setback?
What kind of setback?

Oh, David.

- He'll be okay.
- [sighs]

He's tough.
Fought in Korea.

Yeah.

He was a P.O.W.,
you know?

Yeah, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.
I know all about it.

I know.
I know.

I'm sorry. You guys...
you go back, do you?

Oh, Garden Street,
the Bronx.

He always had my back,
and I always had his.

Are you a friend?

No, no, I'm a new client.

- Oh, that's terrific.
- [grunts]

You know, he's had a rough
couple of decades.

[groaning]

- Hi, David.
- Hi.

How you feeling?

[grunting indistinctly]

- Wait.
- [grunting continues]

What does he want?

He wants to write
something.

Write it.
Give him the pen.

"I can stop..."

"I can... st... s...

"I-I-I can still...
I can still..."

Still what?

[grunting continues]

"Do the job."

"I can still do the job."

But I don't think we need to
worry about that right now.

We need to do
what's best for you.

[mumbles]

- Give him the pad.
- [coughs]

Okay, okay. Okay.

[coughs]

"If I don't work,
I'll die."

[cries]

Stop crying.
You're gonna make me cry.

All right, all right,
look, it was nice meeting you.

- Okay. Thank you.
- Okay?

I'm going out to get pads
and pens for our meetings.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- [speaks indistinctly]
- Yeah, you're gonna get through it.

Oh, okay.

[sobs]

I can't believe they make
parents do this shit.

Well, of course.
Who else would do it?

I don't know. Isn't there some
Forrest Gump-like character

the town could put
on the payroll?

You know, like a lovable
village idiot

with a solid work ethic?

- [chuckles]
- You know what?

It sounds like you want
the job, okay?

- No, no.
- No, come here. Stand behind it.

Push really hard and try
and keep a straight line.

Oh, look at that.
This is fun.

- Right?
- I'm contributing.

So, I don't... I don't know what
to do about this David thing.

What do you think
I should do?

I am not weighing in
on it.

- Why not?
- Because I know what you want.

You want me to tell you
that it's okay to fire him.

Well, it's... The situation
is a train wreck.

My career's gonna be
as dead as his left side.

[laughs]

What? What?

Is that who you are?

You just... when things get
difficult, you just cut and run?

- You just leave?
- No.

That's not who I am.

Usually,
it takes me years

to realize I made
the wrong choice.

- Oh. Good to know.
- Uh-huh.

Okay, no, no, no.
You're doing it all wrong.

- I'm not.
- Yes, you are screwing up the field.

Oh, my God.
All right.

Okay.

[cell phone chimes]

It's a woman's job,
clearly.

What the...?

Really?

Hey, you might be able to get
that job, if you want it.

Hey, you got to forgive me
for saying this,

but I've never heard
of Busca.

Oh, no. [chuckles]
No one in America has... yet.

Busca's the world's
third-largest search engine.

"Busca" is Spanish
for "search."

We're a Chinese company.

Okay, so it's gonna be
one of these meetings.

Yeah, I know
it sounds odd,

but that's
what's so exciting

about the new media
landscape today.

We're basically owned
by the Chinese Rupert Murdoch.

Now, as a new player,

he's willing to pay way
over market for top talent.

We just signed a series deal
with Quentin Tarantino.

Wow, that's big.
I love his movies.

I didn't love
"Inglourious Basterds,"

but I like most of them.

- "Django"?
- Yeah, love "Django."

- "Django."
- Yeah, no B.J. Novak in "Django."

[both laugh]

Listen, Quentin's doing
our first drama.

We want you to do
our first talk show.

So, what are we talking,
like a pilot?

Yeah.

And if that goes well,
guaranteed hundred episodes.

That's a hell
of a commitment.

That's amazing.
And you're gonna overpay me?

We want to send a message
to the community.

People think
it's irresponsible

how much money
we're laying down,

but it's like,
we'll get it all back

just by charging more
for modified broad-term keyword phrases.

Right? So it's fair
for everyone.

- Yeah.
- [laughs]

Hey, so how did
you pick me?

Do you...
Are you a fan of mine?

- I'm a huge fan.
- Oh.

Now.

Up until yesterday,
I had not heard of you.

I think you met
my grandfather, though.

He's a friend
of David Rosen's.

Oh, wow, the guy
at the hospital.

You're kidding.

Like they say, it's all
who you know, right?

That's crazy.

Oh, hey, look.

Before we get too far
down this road,

uh, I have certain
personal ethical standards

I'd like to try to,
you know, keep up.

- Sure.
- This, uh...

this Chinese Rupert Murdoch
fellow, is he a good guy?

The best.

I like him.

I like him a lot.

I'm a very loyal person,
sometimes to a fault,

to where I don't know
if I'm doing the right thing

by sticking with something.

Like, I don't know
if I'm being loyal

or I'm just trying not to hurt
someone's feelings.

And sometimes I don't know
until something happens

that makes it very clear
what I should do.

All right, come on,
come on, come on.

Hustle, hustle.

No, I don't want to!

Oh, that's good.
That's good.

Eye on the ball.
Eye on the ball.

Hey.

Oh, hey, babe.

Oh, thank you so much
for doing that.

Yeah, I knew you
had your hands full,

so I thought
I'd pitch in.

The supermarket
was horrible.

You got the wrong kind
of juice.

Well, they didn't have
the exact brand,

but that's fine, isn't it?

No, it's not fine.
Okay, this is loaded with sugar.

You can't just give kids
all this sugar.

Okay, all right.
I didn't know. I'm sorry.

It's fine. Just next time,
I'll do it myself.

[scoffs]

I'm done.

What?
Where are you going?

No, we are not done
talking about this.

Yep, just walk away.

Amazing!

[sighs]
You know what?

I am so disappointed
in you.

[Reigning Sound's
"North Cackalacky Girl" plays]

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull
www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0