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1
00:00:00,867 --> 00:00:03,252
LOOK, MARK,
I DON'T ENJOY YOU.
2
00:00:03,286 --> 00:00:04,920
YOU SHIT ON ME
CONSTANTLY.
3
00:00:04,954 --> 00:00:07,122
I DIDN'T WANT YOU ON THE SHOW.
I DON'T ENJOY YOU.
4
00:00:07,173 --> 00:00:09,141
YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT
ON A NON-STOP BASIS.
5
00:00:09,175 --> 00:00:10,843
I'M DOING THIS
AS A FAVOR TO EMILY,
6
00:00:10,877 --> 00:00:12,144
AND I DON'T
HAVE TO LIKE IT.
7
00:00:12,178 --> 00:00:13,578
IT'S GOOD
TO SEE YOU, MAN!
8
00:00:13,596 --> 00:00:15,297
YEAH, YOU, TOO, YOU, TOO.
YOU ARE SO HILARIOUS.
9
00:00:15,348 --> 00:00:17,299
YOU WANT TO HAVE DINNER
AFTER THE SHOW? I WOULD LOVE TO.
10
00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:20,302
OKAY, GREAT.
WE'LL GO TO OUR PLACE. UH-HUH. ALL RIGHT.
11
00:00:20,353 --> 00:00:22,805
YOU GOT TO GET TIRED OF PEOPLE
SAYING THAT SHIT TO YOU.
12
00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:24,256
[ SCOFFS ]
13
00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:27,476
I THOUGHT YOU SAID
CHRIS WANTED ME HERE.
14
00:00:27,527 --> 00:00:30,262
YOU'LL MAKE IT WORK.
HORRENDOUS.
15
00:00:30,296 --> 00:00:31,596
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
16
00:00:31,614 --> 00:00:33,432
OH, THANK YOU!
THANK YOU! SO EXCITED!
17
00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:35,484
I AM SO EXCITED.
ARE YOU GUYS FREAKING OUT?
18
00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:37,119
I AM SERIOUSLY
FREAKING OUT
19
00:00:37,153 --> 00:00:39,455
BECAUSE THERE'S SO MUCH
THAT HAPPENED ON THIS EPISODE.
20
00:00:39,489 --> 00:00:41,824
WE'RE GONNA HELP YOU SORT
THROUGH THE EMOTIONAL RUBBLE.
21
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:43,942
TO TALK ABOUT
THIS EPISODE WITH ME,
22
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:45,711
MEGA-FAN
MICHAEL IAN BLACK --
23
00:00:45,745 --> 00:00:49,331
COMEDIAN, AUTHOR,
TWITTER ICON.
24
00:00:49,382 --> 00:00:51,717
HE WAS IN
"THE STATES."
25
00:00:51,751 --> 00:00:54,787
AND MARC MARON,
WHO HOSTS A PODCAST.
26
00:00:54,821 --> 00:00:56,388
[ LIGHT APPLAUSE ]
27
00:00:59,225 --> 00:01:01,810
[ "THE POISONED WELL" PLAYS ]
28
00:01:03,930 --> 00:01:06,482
WON'T FALL FOR IT
29
00:01:06,516 --> 00:01:08,734
YOU CAN'T SEE
30
00:01:08,768 --> 00:01:11,520
AND YOU CAN'T TELL
31
00:01:11,571 --> 00:01:15,491
I JUST CAN'T DRINK
FROM THE POISONED WELL
32
00:01:16,943 --> 00:01:19,644
Marc:
I GOT TO SAY THINGS ARE GOING REALLY WELL FOR ME RIGHT NOW,
33
00:01:19,662 --> 00:01:22,314
AND SURPRISINGLY,
I'M OKAY WITH IT.
34
00:01:22,332 --> 00:01:23,982
I MEAN, THE --
THE PODCAST IS KILLING.
35
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:25,650
I'M PLAYING BIGGER ROOMS.
36
00:01:25,668 --> 00:01:27,486
I MEAN, THESE LAST FEW MONTHS
WITH JEN
37
00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:29,338
HAVE BEEN, LIKE --
I DON'T KNOW.
38
00:01:29,372 --> 00:01:31,823
I-I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER LOVED
ANYONE AS MUCH AS I LOVE HER.
39
00:01:31,841 --> 00:01:34,493
I MEAN, LOOK, WE HAVE OUR
ISSUES, BUT, YOU KNOW, THAT'S --
40
00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:35,761
THAT'S WHAT LOVE IS.
41
00:01:35,795 --> 00:01:37,546
AND LOVE CONQUERS ALL, RIGHT?
42
00:01:37,597 --> 00:01:39,965
YOU KNOW,
THAT AND MIND-BLOWING SEX.
43
00:01:41,885 --> 00:01:44,103
I'M SORRY.
SHOULD I NOT SAY THAT?
44
00:01:44,137 --> 00:01:46,605
ANYWAYS, I THINK JEN
IS THE REAL DEAL,
45
00:01:46,639 --> 00:01:49,725
AND DID I MENTION
I'M MEETING HER FATHER TONIGHT?
46
00:01:49,776 --> 00:01:51,226
YEAH, THAT'S HAPPENING.
47
00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:52,528
SO SHIT IS GETTING REAL.
48
00:01:52,562 --> 00:01:54,513
EXCUSE ME, AGAIN,
FOR SAYING THAT.
49
00:01:54,531 --> 00:01:55,614
AND I NEED GUIDANCE.
50
00:01:55,648 --> 00:01:57,032
Man: MM-HMM.
51
00:01:57,066 --> 00:01:58,617
I MEAN,
SHE'S 19 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME.
52
00:01:58,651 --> 00:02:00,402
SHE'S NOT JEWISH.
53
00:02:00,453 --> 00:02:02,854
IS THAT A PROBLEM
THAT SHE'S NOT JEWISH?
54
00:02:02,872 --> 00:02:04,573
NOT FOR ME.
55
00:02:04,624 --> 00:02:06,875
SO, FOR THE RING,
56
00:02:06,910 --> 00:02:10,529
WERE YOU THINKING
MAYBE A PRINCESS CUT?
57
00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:12,214
RING? WHOA, MAN.
58
00:02:12,248 --> 00:02:13,865
BACK UP.
I'M NOT THERE YET.
59
00:02:13,883 --> 00:02:16,084
I WAS THINKING MORE ALONG
THE LINES OF A BRACELET,
60
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:17,920
AN ANKLET,
PERHAPS A NICE TOE RING.
61
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:19,421
DO YOU HAVE
A NICE TOE RING?
62
00:02:19,472 --> 00:02:21,256
OF COURSE.
63
00:02:21,307 --> 00:02:24,726
DEVORAH,
YOU HAVE A CUSTOMER!
64
00:02:24,761 --> 00:02:26,311
SO THERE'S INTEREST
IN ME, HUH?
65
00:02:26,346 --> 00:02:27,479
WELL, THAT'S GOOD. RIGHT?
66
00:02:27,514 --> 00:02:29,982
THE PODCAST
IS CATCHING ON.
67
00:02:30,016 --> 00:02:31,817
YOU'VE GOT FANS
IN HIGH PLACES.
68
00:02:31,851 --> 00:02:34,886
PEOPLE AT FOX STUDIOS, SONY,
"AMERICA'S FUNNIEST VIDEOS."
69
00:02:34,904 --> 00:02:36,572
You're on fire.
There's a bit of buzz.
70
00:02:36,606 --> 00:02:38,073
We're gonna get you
a chat show.
71
00:02:38,107 --> 00:02:39,758
PLEASE CALL IT
A TALK SHOW.
72
00:02:39,792 --> 00:02:41,276
Whatever.
It's thrilling.
73
00:02:41,327 --> 00:02:43,445
There's just one problem.
WHAT'S THAT?
74
00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:46,731
A LOT OF PEOPLE...
75
00:02:46,749 --> 00:02:49,501
THINK YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.
Oh, come on.
76
00:02:49,536 --> 00:02:52,070
DON'T THEY LISTEN TO MY PODCAST?
I'M NOT AN ASSHOLE ANYMORE.
77
00:02:52,088 --> 00:02:53,755
WHO SAYS THAT?
THOSE PIECES OF SHIT.
78
00:02:53,790 --> 00:02:55,674
Right,
completely unfounded.
79
00:02:55,708 --> 00:02:58,177
But right now, we need
to prove that you can play nicely with others.
80
00:02:58,211 --> 00:02:59,761
YEAH, HOW --
HOW WE GONNA DO THAT?
81
00:02:59,796 --> 00:03:01,413
You've heard of
"The Walking Dead"?
82
00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:04,016
WELL, THERE'S A "CHAT SHOW"
THAT RUNS AFTER IT
83
00:03:04,050 --> 00:03:06,134
CALLED "TALKING DEAD,"
WHERE THEY -- Yeah, no, I know.
84
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:09,137
IT'S HOSTED BY THAT COMEDIAN
CHRIS HARDWICK.
85
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,290
Is there a problem between
you two?
86
00:03:11,324 --> 00:03:14,426
UH, UH, HE MIGHT BE ONE
OF THOSE PEOPLE THAT THINKS I'M AN ASSHOLE.
87
00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:17,813
MARC,
YOU'RE EXHAUSTING ME. All right,
88
00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:19,698
THAT THING WITH HARDWICK'S
LIKE 20 YEARS AGO.
89
00:03:19,732 --> 00:03:21,700
I MEAN, MOST OF THIS STUFF'S
IN MY HEAD ANYWAYS.
90
00:03:21,734 --> 00:03:24,536
I'M SURE IT'S FINE.
SO, UH...
91
00:03:24,571 --> 00:03:27,206
I-I-I DON'T REALLY KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT "WALKING DEAD."
92
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:29,608
IS THAT -- IS THAT A PROBLEM?
I don't think they care.
93
00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:32,110
I BELIEVE YOU JUST NEED
TO GO IN THERE AND TELL SOME SMART JOKES
94
00:03:32,128 --> 00:03:35,130
ABOUT VAMPIRES AND
ZOMBIES, AND -- AND JUST HAVE FUN WITH IT.
95
00:03:35,164 --> 00:03:36,615
THAT'S NOT FUN TO ME.
96
00:03:36,633 --> 00:03:38,717
What is?
I'm hanging up now.
97
00:03:38,751 --> 00:03:40,385
[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]
98
00:03:45,391 --> 00:03:47,142
HEY, BABY,
DID YOUR DAD LAND YET?
99
00:03:47,176 --> 00:03:48,727
I HATE YOU!
OHH!
100
00:03:48,761 --> 00:03:50,646
YOU'RE SUCH A DICK.
101
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,981
WHAT, ARE WE REHEARSING
FOR WHEN YOU FATHER COMES? WHAT'S HAPPENING?
102
00:03:53,016 --> 00:03:56,134
YOU WENT ON THAT RADIO
STATION IN PORTLAND AND YOU TALKED ABOUT OUR SEX LIFE.
103
00:03:56,152 --> 00:03:58,637
YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T
GONNA DO THAT ANYMORE. WHAT DID I SAY?
104
00:03:58,655 --> 00:04:00,906
YOU SAID THAT WHEN I GO DOWN
ON YOU, I USE TOO MUCH TEETH.
105
00:04:00,940 --> 00:04:02,140
I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
106
00:04:02,158 --> 00:04:03,642
I HEARD THE CLIP.
107
00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:05,327
ALL RIGHT, OKAY,
YEAH, YEAH, I REMEMBER.
108
00:04:05,361 --> 00:04:06,645
I REMEMBER WHAT I SAID.
109
00:04:06,663 --> 00:04:08,247
I THINK YOU'RE MISSING
THE FUNNY PART.
110
00:04:08,281 --> 00:04:10,582
WHAT I SAID WAS YOU HAVE
A TECHNIQUE THAT BRINGS ME
111
00:04:10,617 --> 00:04:12,918
IMMENSE PLEASURE AND
PROFOUND FEAR SIMULTANEOUSLY.
112
00:04:12,952 --> 00:04:15,087
IT'S A VERY UNIQUE SKILL.
113
00:04:15,121 --> 00:04:17,822
IT'S NOT FUNNY.
I WAS RIFFING. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
114
00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:19,541
NO, I THINK YOU KNOW
EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
115
00:04:19,592 --> 00:04:21,593
YOU WERE JUST HOPING
TO GET AWAY WITH IT.
116
00:04:21,628 --> 00:04:24,363
COME ON. IT'S -- IT'S MY JOB.
I TALK ABOUT MY LIFE.
117
00:04:24,397 --> 00:04:27,516
PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET SAY
HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT ME. LOOK.
118
00:04:27,550 --> 00:04:29,000
I DON'T WANT THEM ASKING
119
00:04:29,018 --> 00:04:30,686
WHETHER MY VAGINA
IS AS SLOPPY AS MY BEDROOM.
120
00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:32,020
I MEAN,
THEY'RE JUST MEAN.
121
00:04:32,055 --> 00:04:33,338
ALL THESE PEOPLE
ARE NOBODIES.
122
00:04:33,356 --> 00:04:34,890
WE BOTH KNOW
YOUR VAGINA'S IMMACULATE.
123
00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:37,859
I LIKE SPENDING AS MUCH TIME
AS POSSIBLE IN THERE.
124
00:04:37,894 --> 00:04:40,612
PROMISE YOU'RE NOT GONNA TALK
ABOUT ME IN YOUR ACT ANYMORE.
125
00:04:40,647 --> 00:04:42,781
OH, GOD. THIS...
126
00:04:42,815 --> 00:04:44,066
PROMISE ME.
127
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:47,352
O-OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
128
00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:50,072
MAYBE IF YOU SAT DOWN
AND YOU WROTE SOME ACTUAL JOKES,
129
00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:51,790
YOU KNOW, LIKE --
LIKE CONAN.
130
00:04:51,824 --> 00:04:54,626
WHAT IS -- WHAT -- CONAN?
I DON'T DO WHAT CONAN DOES.
131
00:04:54,661 --> 00:04:56,411
WELL, MAYBE IF YOU DID, YOUR
FANS WOULDN'T ALL BE DIPSHITS.
132
00:04:56,462 --> 00:04:58,463
THEY'RE NOT FANS.
THEY'RE HATERS.
133
00:04:58,498 --> 00:05:00,582
YOU'RE A FAN.
I'M BECOMING A HATER.
134
00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:03,919
OH, THAT'S TOO BAD, BECAUSE
I WAS GONNA GIVE YOU THIS TODAY.
135
00:05:14,897 --> 00:05:16,281
AHH.
136
00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,816
IT'S SO PRETTY.
137
00:05:17,850 --> 00:05:19,401
I LOVE YOU, BABY.
138
00:05:19,435 --> 00:05:22,070
YOU'RE SO GOOD.
139
00:05:22,105 --> 00:05:23,438
NO MORE JOKES.
140
00:05:23,489 --> 00:05:25,490
OKAY, I'LL TRY.
I'LL TRY. NO.
141
00:05:25,525 --> 00:05:27,726
NO MORE JOKES.
142
00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:32,247
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
143
00:05:32,281 --> 00:05:35,334
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
144
00:05:35,368 --> 00:05:38,120
NOW, W-WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU ACTUALLY TOOK SOMEONE HOME
145
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:39,338
TO, LIKE,
MEET YOUR PARENTS?
146
00:05:39,372 --> 00:05:40,622
'CAUSE I HAVE
TO DO THAT TODAY.
147
00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:42,174
I HAVE TO MEET
MY GIRLFRIEND'S FATHER.
148
00:05:42,208 --> 00:05:44,926
OH, MY GOD.
HE MUST BE, LIKE, YOUR AGE.
149
00:05:44,961 --> 00:05:47,179
NO, THAT'S -- THAT'S FUNNY,
BUT IT'S NOT TRUE.
150
00:05:47,213 --> 00:05:48,463
HE'S OLDER BY F-FOUR MONTHS.
151
00:05:48,514 --> 00:05:49,931
HE'S -- I KNOW.
I KNOW.
152
00:05:49,966 --> 00:05:51,767
IS THAT REALLY TRUE?
IT IS TRUE.
153
00:05:51,801 --> 00:05:53,135
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
154
00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:54,519
BUT, LIKE, OKAY,
HAS YOUR FATHER
155
00:05:54,554 --> 00:05:58,256
EVER DISAPPROVED OF SOMEONE
YOU WERE WITH?
156
00:05:58,274 --> 00:06:00,642
WELL, ALL OF THEM,
BECAUSE NONE OF THEM WERE HIM,
157
00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:01,960
AND HE WANTS TO MARRY ME.
158
00:06:01,994 --> 00:06:04,129
IT'S TRUE, RIGHT?
[ CHUCKLES ]
159
00:06:04,163 --> 00:06:05,647
THAT -- SEE, NOW,
THAT IS AN AWKWARD THING
160
00:06:05,698 --> 00:06:07,032
TO SAY ABOUT OUR PARENTS,
BUT WE SAY IT ALL THE TIME.
161
00:06:07,066 --> 00:06:08,650
WE SAY AWFUL THINGS
ABOUT OUR PARENTS
162
00:06:08,701 --> 00:06:10,619
AND THE PEOPLE WE LOVE
'CAUSE WE'RE COMEDIANS.
163
00:06:10,653 --> 00:06:12,437
AND DOES THAT CAUSE YOU
ANY FLACK?
164
00:06:12,455 --> 00:06:14,456
I MEAN, WHAT'S YOUR POLICY
ON IT?
165
00:06:14,490 --> 00:06:16,158
I TRY TO RESPECT THAT...
YEAH.
166
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:18,493
...BUT I MEAN, THEN SOMETIMES
I NEED A TAG FOR A JOKE,
167
00:06:18,544 --> 00:06:22,781
AND THEN I THINK, "YOUR DICK
IS VERY THIN IN A COMIC WAY,
168
00:06:22,799 --> 00:06:25,116
AND I'M GOING TO USE THAT."
169
00:06:25,134 --> 00:06:27,352
EXACTLY! I'M -- I'M HAVING,
LIKE, THE SAME PROBLEM
170
00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,787
WITH MY GIRLFRIEND
RIGHT NOW.
171
00:06:28,805 --> 00:06:30,338
SHE HAS A THIN DICK?
172
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:31,506
I CAN'T TALK ABOUT
HER DICK AT ALL.
173
00:06:31,557 --> 00:06:33,225
THERE'S A MORATORIUM
ON JOKES,
174
00:06:33,259 --> 00:06:35,293
AND IT SEEMS
LIKE YOU'VE FIGURED OUT A WAY
175
00:06:35,311 --> 00:06:36,461
TO -- TO BALANCE IT OUT.
176
00:06:36,479 --> 00:06:38,463
IT'S NOT BALANCED AT ALL.
YEAH.
177
00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,015
IT'S TOTALLY UNBALANCED.
UH-HUH.
178
00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:42,734
THE JOKE IS MORE IMPORTANT
THAN THE RELATIONSHIP,
179
00:06:42,769 --> 00:06:45,637
AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE ALL
GONNA DIE SAD AND ALONE.
180
00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:48,356
OHH. OKAY.
181
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,342
I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT.
182
00:06:50,376 --> 00:06:52,144
YOU HAVE YOUR CATS.
183
00:06:52,178 --> 00:06:53,862
THEY DON'T CARE
IF I LIVE OR DIE, REALLY.
184
00:06:53,913 --> 00:06:56,031
I MEAN, WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO
WHEN I DIE? SERIOUSLY.
185
00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:57,349
THEY GET
TO EAT YOUR EYES.
186
00:06:57,383 --> 00:06:58,717
OH, NO.
187
00:06:58,751 --> 00:07:00,085
AND DIGEST THEM.
OH.
188
00:07:00,119 --> 00:07:02,254
AND THEN POOP THEM OUT
AND FEED THE EARTH.
189
00:07:02,288 --> 00:07:03,839
[ LAUGHS ]
190
00:07:03,873 --> 00:07:05,457
YEAH.
191
00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:09,144
ALL MY LOVING
ALL MY LOVE
192
00:07:09,195 --> 00:07:10,779
IN THIS WHOLE WORLD
193
00:07:10,813 --> 00:07:12,430
THIS WHOLE WORLD
194
00:07:12,448 --> 00:07:14,199
ALL MY LOVING
ALL MY LOVE
195
00:07:14,233 --> 00:07:16,100
IN THIS WHOLE WORLD
196
00:07:16,119 --> 00:07:18,320
THIS WHOLE WORLD
ALL MY LOVING
197
00:07:18,371 --> 00:07:19,871
ALL MY LOVE
198
00:07:19,906 --> 00:07:20,989
IN THIS WHOLE
199
00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:23,041
ALL MY LOVING
200
00:07:23,075 --> 00:07:24,626
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT IS THIS?
201
00:07:24,660 --> 00:07:26,828
HOW COME THERE'S SO MUCH GUNK
ON HERE?
202
00:07:26,879 --> 00:07:29,548
OH, I BURNT SOME VEGGIE CHILI
ON THERE A FEW DAYS AGO.
203
00:07:29,582 --> 00:07:31,950
IT BOILED OVER,
SO I HAD TO THROW OUT THE POT.
204
00:07:31,968 --> 00:07:33,301
GREAT.
THANKS FOR LEAVING IT.
205
00:07:33,336 --> 00:07:35,137
YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO CRAZY
CLEANING.
206
00:07:35,171 --> 00:07:36,555
MY DAD KNOWS I'M MESSY.
207
00:07:36,589 --> 00:07:37,889
YEAH, HE KNOWS YOU,
BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW ME.
208
00:07:37,924 --> 00:07:39,174
I'M JUST
THE DIRTY OLD MAN
209
00:07:39,225 --> 00:07:40,692
THAT'S BANGING
HIS MESSY DAUGHTER.
210
00:07:40,726 --> 00:07:42,961
OHH, DON'T FREAK OUT.
WE DON'T GET ALONG.
211
00:07:42,979 --> 00:07:46,398
HE'S JUST COMING OVER
'CAUSE HE'S IN TOWN AND HE FEELS OBLIGATED.
212
00:07:46,432 --> 00:07:48,350
WOW, THIS SOUNDS LIKE
IT'S GONNA BE A GOOD DINNER.
213
00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:51,019
[ CELLPHONE RINGING ]
214
00:07:51,070 --> 00:07:54,138
HEY, EMILY, WHAT'S UP?
Hi, Marc!
215
00:07:54,157 --> 00:07:56,324
LISTEN, EXACTLY
HOW FAMILIAR ARE YOU
216
00:07:56,359 --> 00:07:58,309
WITH "THE WALKING DEAD"?
217
00:07:58,327 --> 00:08:00,078
I KNOW ENOUGH TO KNOW
THAT I DON'T WATCH IT.
218
00:08:00,112 --> 00:08:02,581
I JUST FOUND OUT
THE PRODUCERS OF THE SHOW
219
00:08:02,615 --> 00:08:05,367
TAKE IT VERY SERIOUSLY,
AND CHRIS TAKES OFFENSE
220
00:08:05,418 --> 00:08:07,836
WHEN THE GUESTS
AREN'T UP ON THE PROGRAM.
221
00:08:07,870 --> 00:08:09,004
Of course he does.
222
00:08:09,038 --> 00:08:10,822
SO WHAT ARE YOU
TELLING ME?
223
00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:13,157
NOW I GOT TO STUDY
FOR THIS THING? That's a great idea!
224
00:08:13,176 --> 00:08:15,544
OH, MY GOD, THIS IS TURNING
INTO MY OWN HORROR SHOW.
225
00:08:15,595 --> 00:08:17,929
YOU'LL MAKE IT WORK.
I'M HANGING UP NOW.
226
00:08:17,964 --> 00:08:19,764
[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]
227
00:08:19,799 --> 00:08:21,600
OH, MY GOD. BRITS.
228
00:08:21,634 --> 00:08:24,936
I LOVE IT WHEN THEY SING,
BUT OTHERWISE, VERY ANNOYING.
229
00:08:24,971 --> 00:08:26,354
WHAT HAPPENED?
230
00:08:26,389 --> 00:08:28,223
I HAVE TO DO THIS SHOW,
"THE TALKING DEAD,"
231
00:08:28,274 --> 00:08:29,608
AND APPARENTLY OVERNIGHT,
232
00:08:29,642 --> 00:08:31,676
I HAVE TO BECOME
A CERTIFIED ZOMBIE EXPERT.
233
00:08:31,694 --> 00:08:33,862
[ GASPS ]
I LOVE "THE WALKING DEAD."
234
00:08:33,896 --> 00:08:35,614
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET
YOU TO WATCH IT FOR WEEKS. I CAN HELP YOU CRAM.
235
00:08:35,648 --> 00:08:37,699
OH, REALLY,
YOU'D DO THAT FOR ME?
236
00:08:37,733 --> 00:08:40,068
YOU'D WATCH EPISODES OF YOUR
FAVORITE SHOW ON THE COUCH YOU RARELY GET OFF OF?
237
00:08:40,119 --> 00:08:42,070
SHUT UP.
238
00:08:42,121 --> 00:08:44,573
ALL RIGHT, SO -- SO, WHO'S
THIS REDNECK WITH THE CROSSBOW?
239
00:08:44,624 --> 00:08:45,790
THAT'S DARYL.
240
00:08:45,825 --> 00:08:47,209
HE HAS, LIKE,
A ROSS-AND-RACHEL THING
241
00:08:47,243 --> 00:08:49,027
WITH THE WOMAN
WITH THE SHAVED HEAD. HMM.
242
00:08:49,045 --> 00:08:51,463
AND WHAT -- WHAT -- WHEN ARE
THEY GONNA GET OFF THIS FARM?
243
00:08:51,497 --> 00:08:54,466
AND WHY DO THESE ZOMBIES
ALL WALK LIKE FRANKENSTEIN? THEY CAN'T RUN?
244
00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:57,302
I MEAN, DOESN'T ANYONE
WANT THIS SHOW TO BE EXCITING?
245
00:08:57,336 --> 00:08:59,387
THEIR ROTTING MUSCLES
ARE ATROPHYING.
246
00:08:59,422 --> 00:09:02,641
BUT YET THEIR JAWS
ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO BITE OFF A HUMAN HAND?
247
00:09:02,675 --> 00:09:04,392
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
248
00:09:04,427 --> 00:09:06,711
EVEN AT MY MOST ANGRY, I COULD
NOT BITE OFF A HUMAN HAND.
249
00:09:06,729 --> 00:09:08,096
EVEN IF I WAS ON METH,
250
00:09:08,147 --> 00:09:10,381
I DON'T THINK
I COULD BITE OFF A HUMAN HAND.
251
00:09:10,399 --> 00:09:12,150
YOU NEED TO CHANGE
YOUR ATTITUDE, MISTER.
252
00:09:12,184 --> 00:09:14,385
I AM HERE
TRYING TO HELP YOU.
253
00:09:14,403 --> 00:09:15,887
[ GROANS ] WEIRD.
254
00:09:15,922 --> 00:09:17,656
YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW
IF I CAN EXPLAIN THIS,
255
00:09:17,690 --> 00:09:20,492
BUT ALL THESE ZOMBIES EATING
PEOPLE HAS GIVEN ME AN IDEA.
256
00:09:20,526 --> 00:09:21,559
OH, YEAH?
257
00:09:21,577 --> 00:09:23,445
YEAH. YEAH.
[ LAUGHS ]
258
00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:25,580
THIS IDEA. THIS ONE.
AAH!
259
00:09:31,787 --> 00:09:34,456
ALL RIGHT, SO, WHY DON'T
THEY JUST DIG A MOAT AROUND THE PRISON,
260
00:09:34,507 --> 00:09:36,258
FILL IT WITH GASOLINE,
AND SET IT ON FIRE?
261
00:09:36,292 --> 00:09:38,743
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
THEY HAVE TO GET OUT AND GET SUPPLIES.
262
00:09:38,761 --> 00:09:40,462
DO ZOMBIES GET ERECTIONS?
263
00:09:40,513 --> 00:09:42,847
NO.
UH, HOW COME THERE'S NOT MORE FAT ZOMBIES?
264
00:09:42,882 --> 00:09:44,799
BECAUSE THEY'VE BEEN DEAD
FOR A LONG TIME.
265
00:09:44,850 --> 00:09:47,752
WHERE DO ZOMBIES
GO TO THE BATHROOM? THEY DON'T.
266
00:09:47,770 --> 00:09:50,522
HOW COME THERE'S NOT MORE
BLACK ZOMBIES? GOOD QUESTION.
267
00:09:50,556 --> 00:09:52,440
OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE SAVING MY ASS.
268
00:09:52,475 --> 00:09:53,858
I AM SO APPRECIATIVE.
269
00:09:53,893 --> 00:09:55,927
I THINK I'M GONNA
THANK YOU ON THE SHOW.
270
00:09:55,945 --> 00:10:00,315
NO! YOU ARE NOT EVEN GOING
TO MENTION ME ON THE SHOW.
271
00:10:00,366 --> 00:10:01,616
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
272
00:10:01,651 --> 00:10:03,318
WOW, YOU REALLY
WANT OFF THE GRID.
273
00:10:03,369 --> 00:10:04,953
YES, I DO.
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
274
00:10:04,987 --> 00:10:06,771
WHAT?
275
00:10:06,789 --> 00:10:08,573
OH, MAN, IT'S YOUR DAD.
HE'S HERE EARLY.
276
00:10:10,042 --> 00:10:12,544
[ GRUMBLES ]
WHERE ARE MY UNDERWEAR?
277
00:10:12,578 --> 00:10:14,462
HE'S NOT GONNA NOTICE.
HE SHOULDN'T NOTICE.
278
00:10:14,497 --> 00:10:16,881
GO, GO, GO.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
279
00:10:16,916 --> 00:10:19,217
[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
COMING.
280
00:10:23,923 --> 00:10:25,140
HI. MR. RYAN.
281
00:10:25,174 --> 00:10:27,058
GARY. GARY RYAN.
282
00:10:28,177 --> 00:10:30,345
I'M GONNA --
I'M GONNA CALL YOU GARY.
283
00:10:30,396 --> 00:10:31,763
COME ON IN.
284
00:10:38,437 --> 00:10:40,538
HI, DAD.
HEY, JEN.
285
00:10:45,077 --> 00:10:46,161
HMM.
286
00:10:46,195 --> 00:10:47,862
YOU LOOK GREAT.
287
00:10:47,913 --> 00:10:50,248
I BROUGHT YOU THIS.
OH, GREAT. THANKS A LOT.
288
00:10:50,282 --> 00:10:53,818
HE CAN'T DRINK THAT.
HE'S AN ALCOHOLIC. HUH.
289
00:10:53,836 --> 00:10:56,821
I-I'M 14 YEARS SOBER.
IT'S NOT A PROBLEM.
290
00:10:56,839 --> 00:10:59,490
SO, HE'S BEEN SOBER
SINCE YOU WERE 14.
291
00:10:59,508 --> 00:11:02,177
[ CHUCKLES ]
292
00:11:02,211 --> 00:11:04,362
OKAY. OKAY.
293
00:11:06,432 --> 00:11:07,682
[ SIGHS ]
294
00:11:23,482 --> 00:11:26,735
SO, YOU STILL THINKING
OF GOING TO GRAD SCHOOL?
295
00:11:28,421 --> 00:11:30,905
YEAH, DIDN'T YOU, UH,
MENTION THAT, UH,
296
00:11:30,956 --> 00:11:33,224
MASTER'S PROGRAM
UP IN NORTHRIDGE?
297
00:11:33,259 --> 00:11:36,361
OH, SHE'S...MENTIONED
A LOT OF SCHOOLS OVER THE YEARS,
298
00:11:36,395 --> 00:11:39,431
BUT ACTUALLY FILLING OUT
AN APPLICATION -- THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.
299
00:11:39,465 --> 00:11:43,134
DO WE HAVE TO DO THIS NOW?
I GET IT. I'M A DISAPPOINTMENT.
300
00:11:43,169 --> 00:11:45,253
NO, WELL, YOU KNOW,
IN HER DEFENSE,
301
00:11:45,304 --> 00:11:47,922
IT TOOK ME YEARS
NOT TO GO TO GRADUATE SCHOOL.
302
00:11:47,973 --> 00:11:49,407
NOW YOU'RE ON HIS SIDE?
303
00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:51,109
WHAT? NO.
I WAS MAKING A JOKE.
304
00:11:51,143 --> 00:11:53,595
OH. ANOTHER JOKE
AT MY EXPENSE.
305
00:11:53,646 --> 00:11:54,929
COME ON, JEN,
WE'RE JUST TALKING.
306
00:11:54,980 --> 00:11:56,815
NO, HE'S MAKING ME
FEEL LIKE A LOSER,
307
00:11:56,849 --> 00:11:58,382
AND YOU'RE
NOT DEFENDING ME.
308
00:11:58,401 --> 00:11:59,934
I'M GONNA GO
HAVE A CIGARETTE.
309
00:11:59,985 --> 00:12:01,986
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING?
310
00:12:02,021 --> 00:12:04,572
BECAUSE I JUST HAD SEX
WITH MARC, DAD!
311
00:12:10,112 --> 00:12:12,831
[ CHUCKLES ]
312
00:12:12,865 --> 00:12:13,948
[ SCOFFS ]
313
00:12:13,999 --> 00:12:15,733
YOU KNOW,
I CAME DOWN HERE
314
00:12:15,751 --> 00:12:18,603
BECAUSE WE DIDN'T KNOW WHERE SHE
WAS FOR THE LAST SIX MONTHS.
315
00:12:18,637 --> 00:12:21,089
WHAT? REALLY?
YOU DIDN'T TALK TO HER AT ALL?
316
00:12:21,123 --> 00:12:22,590
NO. WE HAD A FIGHT.
317
00:12:22,625 --> 00:12:24,626
YOU KNOW, SHE'S NOT BIG
ON LETTING STUFF GO.
318
00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:27,078
YEAH, I'M STARTING
TO GET THAT.
319
00:12:27,096 --> 00:12:29,413
HEY, BUT, LOOK,
I'M NO PRIZE.
320
00:12:29,432 --> 00:12:31,749
YEAH, WHO IS?
321
00:12:31,767 --> 00:12:34,719
I'M JUST SAYING
YOU GOT YOUR HANDS FULL.
322
00:12:39,892 --> 00:12:41,592
[ CHUCKLES ]
323
00:12:41,610 --> 00:12:42,977
YOU KNOW,
YOU ENTER A SITUATION
324
00:12:43,028 --> 00:12:44,762
WHERE YOU WANT TO MAKE
A GOOD IMPRESSION.
325
00:12:44,780 --> 00:12:47,282
YOU KNOW YOU'RE GONNA
BE JUDGED A CERTAIN WAY,
326
00:12:47,316 --> 00:12:50,318
AND YOU TRY AND CONTROL HOW
YOU'RE GOING TO BE PERCEIVED.
327
00:12:50,369 --> 00:12:52,370
AND THEN IN THE MIDDLE
OF ALL THAT WORRYING,
328
00:12:52,404 --> 00:12:54,772
YOU REALIZE IT'S --
IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU AT ALL.
329
00:12:54,790 --> 00:12:57,375
YOU'RE JUST PLAYING A PART
IN SOMEBODY ELSE'S SCRIPT
330
00:12:57,409 --> 00:12:59,160
THAT WAS WRITTEN
A LONG TIME AGO,
331
00:12:59,211 --> 00:13:01,162
AND YOU JUST HAVE TO DECIDE
WHETHER OR NOT
332
00:13:01,213 --> 00:13:02,714
YOU'RE RIGHT FOR THAT ROLE.
333
00:13:02,748 --> 00:13:05,800
I THINK THAT IN RELATIONSHIPS,
ON SOME LEVEL,
334
00:13:05,835 --> 00:13:09,170
YOU'RE JUST LOOKING TO BE
RE-PARENTED OR PARENTED BETTER
335
00:13:09,221 --> 00:13:10,722
THAN YOU WERE ORIGINALLY.
336
00:13:10,756 --> 00:13:13,475
AND THEN AT SOME POINT
IN THAT RELATIONSHIP,
337
00:13:13,509 --> 00:13:16,511
YOU REALIZE
THAT'S NOT SOMEBODY ELSE'S JOB.
338
00:13:16,562 --> 00:13:18,897
AND IF YOU ARE
THAT SOMEBODY ELSE, GOOD LUCK,
339
00:13:18,931 --> 00:13:20,515
BECAUSE, LET'S BE HONEST,
340
00:13:20,566 --> 00:13:23,351
IF THE ORIGINAL CAST
DIDN'T DO A GOOD JOB,
341
00:13:23,402 --> 00:13:25,854
THE REMAKE'S
NOT GONNA BE ANY BETTER.
342
00:13:27,823 --> 00:13:29,908
[ SIGHS ]
343
00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:36,814
Marc: OKAY, ALL RIGHT, SO -- SO,
T-BEAR IS THE BIG BLACK GUY
344
00:13:36,832 --> 00:13:37,982
THAT DOESN'T TALK.
345
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:39,483
UH, MAGGIE'S THE HOT ONE.
346
00:13:39,502 --> 00:13:41,152
AXEL IS --
WAIT, THERE'S AN AXEL?
347
00:13:41,170 --> 00:13:43,171
DO I HAVE TO KNOW
WHO AXEL IS?
348
00:13:43,205 --> 00:13:45,757
WELL, I'M JUST HAPPY
THERE'S A GUY WITH A MUSTACHE ON THIS SHOW,
349
00:13:45,791 --> 00:13:47,876
BUT I DON'T WANT TO GET
TOO ATTACHED TO HIM.
350
00:13:47,927 --> 00:13:49,827
WHAT THE HELL DID YOU
GET ME INTO?
351
00:13:49,845 --> 00:13:52,680
A POSSIBLE HOLDING DEAL
WITH FX IF YOU CAN PULL THIS APPEARANCE OFF.
352
00:13:52,715 --> 00:13:54,966
NOW, REMEMBER, LOVABLE.
353
00:13:56,602 --> 00:13:58,102
OKAY, LIKEABLE.
354
00:13:59,305 --> 00:14:01,439
DID YOU TALK TO CHRIS?
IS HE COOL WITH ME?
355
00:14:01,473 --> 00:14:02,941
I DIDN'T TALK TO CHRIS.
356
00:14:02,975 --> 00:14:04,559
I TALKED TO SOMEONE
WHO TALKED TO CHRIS.
357
00:14:04,610 --> 00:14:06,611
HE'S VERY EXCITED
THAT YOU'RE ON THE SHOW.
358
00:14:06,645 --> 00:14:09,447
IT IS SO NICE TO BE LIED TO
IN A BRITISH ACCENT.
359
00:14:09,481 --> 00:14:11,399
IT'S SO CLASSY.
360
00:14:11,450 --> 00:14:14,619
OH, HEY.
WOW, HEY, MICHAEL.
361
00:14:14,653 --> 00:14:17,288
LOOK WHAT THE 20 FERAL CATS
THAT YOU LIVE WITH DRAGGED IN. THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
362
00:14:17,323 --> 00:14:19,240
HOW YOU DOING?
I'M OKAY, MAN. YOU?
363
00:14:19,291 --> 00:14:21,125
I'M GOOD. I'M GOOD. IT'S COOL
THEY BOOKED YOU ON THIS.
364
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,628
I'M GLAD TO SEE THEY'RE
NOT JUST TRYING TO APPEAL TO YOUNG PEOPLE.
365
00:14:23,662 --> 00:14:26,047
HEY, WHAT'S MORE FULFILLING --
HOSTING A GAME SHOW OR BEING ON AN EXPEDIA COMMERCIAL?
366
00:14:26,081 --> 00:14:27,531
ARE THEY ABOUT THE SAME,
OR --
367
00:14:27,550 --> 00:14:29,217
WHY, ARE YOU LOOKING
TO BREAK IN TO SHOW BUSINESS?
368
00:14:29,251 --> 00:14:31,135
WOW, THAT WAS FUNNY.
DID TOM LENNON WRITE THAT?
369
00:14:31,170 --> 00:14:33,721
NOT AS FUNNY AS THE GROUCHO MASK
THAT YOU'RE WEARING. OUCH. OKAY.
370
00:14:33,756 --> 00:14:35,539
DID YOUR NOSE ACTUALLY
GET BIGGER SINCE THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU?
371
00:14:35,558 --> 00:14:36,874
'CAUSE I DIDN'T THINK
THAT WAS POSSIBLE.
372
00:14:36,892 --> 00:14:38,643
THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
373
00:14:38,677 --> 00:14:40,562
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME MICHAEL
IAN BLACK WAS GONNA BE HERE?
374
00:14:40,596 --> 00:14:42,263
I DIDN'T KNOW, BUT YOU TWO
HAVE A NATURAL CHEMISTRY.
375
00:14:42,314 --> 00:14:44,048
OH, IS THAT
WHAT YOU CALL IT? YOU'LL MAKE IT WORK.
376
00:14:44,066 --> 00:14:45,433
Chris: HEY, GUYS.
377
00:14:45,484 --> 00:14:48,219
HEY, IS EVERYBODY
PSYCHED TO BE ON THE SHOW?
378
00:14:48,237 --> 00:14:50,554
YEAH, I AM. MARC,
ARE YOU CAPABLE OF FEELING EXCITEMENT,
379
00:14:50,573 --> 00:14:52,774
OR IS IT ALL
JUST SEETHING ANGER? OH, OKAY, SHUT UP, MICHAEL.
380
00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:54,325
IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU,
MICHAEL. YOU, TOO, BUDDY.
381
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:55,660
HOW ARE YOU?
HEY, EMILY.
382
00:14:55,694 --> 00:14:56,945
HEY, MARC.
383
00:14:56,996 --> 00:14:58,780
HEY, CHRIS.
GREAT TO SEE YOU, MAN.
384
00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:00,448
SURE.
I'M SURE IT IS, YEAH. UH-HUH.
385
00:15:00,499 --> 00:15:02,617
SO, YOU'RE A FAN, APPARENTLY.
THAT'S GREAT. YEAH.
386
00:15:02,668 --> 00:15:04,669
WHAT, UH -- WHAT'S
YOUR FAVORITE PART OF THE SHOW?
387
00:15:04,703 --> 00:15:07,088
UH, WHICH SHOW? "TALKING DEAD"
OR "WALKING DEAD"? OH, PICK ONE.
388
00:15:07,122 --> 00:15:09,791
UH, WELL, "THE TALKING DEAD"'S
GOOD 'CAUSE YOU DO THE --
389
00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:12,594
YOU KNOW, YOU TALK TO...
YEAH, WE TALK. RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
390
00:15:12,628 --> 00:15:13,845
THAT'S ABOUT
WHAT I THOUGHT.
391
00:15:13,879 --> 00:15:16,097
LOOK, MARC,
I DON'T ENJOY YOU.
392
00:15:16,131 --> 00:15:18,132
YOU SHIT ON ME
CONSTANTLY.
393
00:15:18,183 --> 00:15:20,351
I DIDN'T WANT YOU ON THE SHOW.
I DON'T ENJOY YOU.
394
00:15:20,386 --> 00:15:22,937
YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT
ON A NON-STOP BASIS.
395
00:15:22,972 --> 00:15:24,639
I'M DOING THIS
AS A FAVOR TO EMILY,
396
00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:25,940
AND I DON'T
HAVE TO LIKE IT.
397
00:15:25,975 --> 00:15:27,358
IT'S GOOD
TO SEE YOU, MAN!
398
00:15:27,393 --> 00:15:29,110
YEAH, YOU, TOO, YOU, TOO.
YOU ARE SO HILARIOUS.
399
00:15:29,144 --> 00:15:30,945
YOU WANT TO HAVE DINNER
AFTER THE SHOW? I WOULD LOVE TO.
400
00:15:30,980 --> 00:15:32,780
OKAY, GREAT.
WE'LL GO TO OUR PLACE. UH-HUH.
401
00:15:32,815 --> 00:15:34,265
[ SCOFFS ]
402
00:15:34,283 --> 00:15:36,117
I THOUGHT YOU SAID
CHRIS WANTED ME HERE.
403
00:15:36,151 --> 00:15:39,770
YOU'LL MAKE IT WORK.
HORRENDOUS.
404
00:15:41,056 --> 00:15:43,691
WHILE RICK'S GANG IS IN SERIOUS
TROUBLE, TYREESE MAY BE IN LOVE,
405
00:15:43,726 --> 00:15:45,259
AND ONE OF THE GROUP
IS INFECTED.
406
00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:46,978
WE'RE GONNA TALK ABOUT ALL THAT
AND SO MUCH MORE.
407
00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:49,781
I AM CHRIS HARDWICK,
AND THIS IS "TALKING DEAD."
408
00:15:49,815 --> 00:15:51,199
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
409
00:16:00,309 --> 00:16:01,709
THANK YOU, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU.
410
00:16:01,744 --> 00:16:03,177
I'M SO EXCITED!
I'M SO EXCITED!
411
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:04,445
ARE YOU GUYS
FREAKING OUT?
412
00:16:04,463 --> 00:16:06,047
I'M SERIOUSLY
FREAKING OUT
413
00:16:06,081 --> 00:16:07,948
BECAUSE THERE'S SO MUCH
THAT HAPPENED ON THIS EPISODE.
414
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:10,218
WE'RE GONNA HELP YOU SORT
THROUGH THE EMOTIONAL RUBBLE.
415
00:16:10,252 --> 00:16:12,337
TO TALK ABOUT THIS EPISODE
WITH ME,
416
00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:14,172
MEGA-FAN
MICHAEL IAN BLACK --
417
00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:18,226
COMEDIAN, AUTHOR,
TWITTER ICON.
418
00:16:18,260 --> 00:16:20,178
HE WAS IN
"THE STATES."
419
00:16:20,229 --> 00:16:23,014
AND MARC MARON,
WHO HOSTS A PODCAST.
420
00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:25,350
[ LIGHT APPLAUSE ]
421
00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:27,635
YEAH, AND MICHAEL WAS ALSO GREAT
ON "I LOVE THE '80s."
422
00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:29,020
REMEMBER THAT?
OH, THANKS, MARC.
423
00:16:29,071 --> 00:16:30,838
I'M SORRY YOU DIDN'T
GET CALLED FOR THAT.
424
00:16:30,873 --> 00:16:33,307
I--
CHRIS, I AM THRILLED TO BE HERE.
425
00:16:33,325 --> 00:16:34,993
VERY NERVOUS.
426
00:16:35,027 --> 00:16:37,528
I FEEL LIKE I'M IN THE
GOVERNOR'S ZOMBIE-COMBAT RING.
427
00:16:37,579 --> 00:16:40,865
OH, EXCEPT -- BUT YOUR ONLY
WEAPON IS A TRIDENT AND TWO OF THE PRONGS ARE MISSING.
428
00:16:40,916 --> 00:16:42,817
[ BOTH LAUGH ]
429
00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:44,369
I ACTUALLY HEARD
THAT, UH,
430
00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:46,537
FOUR OUT OF FIVE ZOMBIE KILLERS
PREFER TRIDENT.
431
00:16:46,588 --> 00:16:48,155
[ SCATTERED LAUGHTER ]
432
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:50,525
I-I DON'T KNOW
WHY THEY WOULD.
433
00:16:50,559 --> 00:16:53,428
THAT WOULDN'T WORK, MARC,
BECAUSE YOU WANT TO AVOID A CLOSE KILL AT ALL COSTS.
434
00:16:53,462 --> 00:16:55,329
OKAY, THANK YOU,
MICHAEL.
435
00:16:55,347 --> 00:16:57,432
'CAUSE IT'S
VERY DANGEROUS. I WATCH THE SHOW,
436
00:16:57,466 --> 00:16:59,367
MARC, THAT'S INTERESTING.
LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW YOU WATCH THE SHOW.
437
00:16:59,401 --> 00:17:01,836
RICK -- THE STORY LINE
HAPPENING WITH HIM. YEAH. YEAH.
438
00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:03,554
W-W-W-WHAT --
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
439
00:17:03,605 --> 00:17:05,840
VERY COMPELLING. I-I DON'T KNOW
WHERE HE FOUND THE GUN,
440
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:08,226
BUT, MAN,
AM I GLAD HE HAD IT.
441
00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:10,111
Y-YOU MEAN THE GUN
HE FOUND IN THE PILOT?
442
00:17:10,145 --> 00:17:13,231
YEAH, WE'RE -- WE'RE ALL GLAD
HE FOUND THAT FOUR SEASONS AGO.
443
00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:15,033
[ LAUGHTER ]
444
00:17:15,067 --> 00:17:17,452
BUT DO YOU THINK
THAT THAT SCENE
445
00:17:17,486 --> 00:17:21,289
MIGHT HAVE BEEN A SLY NOD
TO ANDREA'S DEATH IN SEASON 3?
446
00:17:21,323 --> 00:17:22,874
YEAH! DEFINITELY.
447
00:17:22,908 --> 00:17:24,358
I DEFINITELY -- I DEFINITELY
NOTICED THAT, YEAH.
448
00:17:24,376 --> 00:17:26,411
HOW -- HOW DID YOU
NOTICE THAT? WHAT?
449
00:17:26,462 --> 00:17:29,080
I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOU
ELABORATE, MR. SUPER-FAN.
450
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:32,199
WELL, UH, ANDREA
DIDN'T WANT TO DIE, RIGHT?
451
00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:34,135
WELL, S-SHE
COMMITTED SUICIDE, MARC.
452
00:17:34,169 --> 00:17:35,803
YEAH, THAT'S INTENT.
453
00:17:35,838 --> 00:17:37,555
WELL, OKAY.
454
00:17:37,589 --> 00:17:38,973
WELL, ATTEMPTING SUICIDE --
THAT'S A CRY FOR HELP, USUALLY,
455
00:17:39,007 --> 00:17:40,925
AND MAYBE SHE WAS DEPRESSED,
INTIMACY ISSUES.
456
00:17:40,976 --> 00:17:42,760
I DON'T KNOW.
THEY'RE ON THE FARM.
457
00:17:42,811 --> 00:17:45,430
SHE DEFINITELY HAD
INTIMACY ISSUES. SHE GOT TOO CLOSE TO A ZOMBIE.
458
00:17:45,481 --> 00:17:47,715
YEAH, AND THEY WEREN'T ON THE
FARM. THEY WERE IN WOODBURY. BUT THAT WAS A NICE TRY.
459
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:49,567
UM, WE'RE GONNA
BE RIGHT BACK,
460
00:17:49,601 --> 00:17:52,219
AND WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT
HOW MICHONNE LEARNED TO WIELD THAT KATANA.
461
00:17:52,237 --> 00:17:53,604
MORE ON "TALKING DEAD"
IN A MINUTE.
462
00:17:53,655 --> 00:17:56,157
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
463
00:18:02,114 --> 00:18:04,115
WHAT?
464
00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:07,234
I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOUR NEGATIVITY
WOULD DESTROY YOU,
465
00:18:07,252 --> 00:18:10,288
BUT HERE YOU ARE, UH, TRYING
TO BLUFF YOUR WAY THROUGH A SHOW
466
00:18:10,339 --> 00:18:13,341
THAT YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING
ON BECAUSE YOU DO NOT WATCH
467
00:18:13,375 --> 00:18:14,909
"THE WALKING DEAD"
AT ALL.
468
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:17,011
BUT I GOT TO SAY --
I GOT TO SAY IT'S --
469
00:18:17,045 --> 00:18:18,763
YOU MADE AN EFFORT,
470
00:18:18,797 --> 00:18:20,798
AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE ALWAYS
GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE GUYS
471
00:18:20,849 --> 00:18:23,017
WHO JUST FLOUNDERED
IN YOUR OWN BITTERNESS
472
00:18:23,051 --> 00:18:24,352
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
473
00:18:24,386 --> 00:18:25,586
ALL RIGHT,
OKAY, CHRIS.
474
00:18:25,604 --> 00:18:26,921
LOOK, I --
YEAH, I STILL FLOUNDER.
475
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:28,589
YEAH, I'M NOT AS BITTER
AS I USED TO BE,
476
00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:30,591
AND I KNOW WE HAVE THIS --
THIS THING.
477
00:18:30,626 --> 00:18:33,260
NO, YOU HAVE A THING WITH ME.
I DON'T KNOW WHY. OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
478
00:18:33,278 --> 00:18:36,364
I-I-I-I APOLOGIZE FOR BEING
A DICK BACK IN THE DAY.
479
00:18:36,398 --> 00:18:38,032
BACK IN THE DAY?!
YEAH.
480
00:18:38,066 --> 00:18:40,100
YOU WERE A DICK TO ME
LIKE A WEEK AGO ON TWITTER!
481
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,102
WHAT DO I GOT TO DO?
WHAT, DO I GOT TO GROVEL? I'M SORRY FOR BEING A DICK.
482
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:44,104
DUDE, MAN NEEDS TO FIND A HEART.
I DON'T KNOW.
483
00:18:44,123 --> 00:18:45,823
ALL I KNOW IS YOU CALLED ME
"HOST BOY"?
484
00:18:45,874 --> 00:18:48,659
I'M SORRY, AND, UH, I --
YOU'RE HOSTING A SHOW.
485
00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:51,445
IT'S VERY POPULAR, AND I'M --
I'M PUMPED TO BE HERE.
486
00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:52,997
PUMPED?
YEAH, WELL --
487
00:18:53,048 --> 00:18:54,465
WANT SOME AXE BODY SPRAY
TO GO WITH THAT TERMINOLOGY?
488
00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:55,950
I DON'T KNOW.
DO YOU PUSH THAT ON THIS SHOW?
489
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,418
STILL A DICK, MARC.
490
00:18:58,570 --> 00:19:01,973
WELCOME BACK.
UH...
491
00:19:02,007 --> 00:19:03,257
WELCOME BACK
TO THE SHOW.
492
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:04,775
I AM HERE
WITH MY GOOD FRIEND,
493
00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:06,544
HILARIOUS COMEDIAN
MICHAEL IAN BLACK.
494
00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:08,896
AND ALSO, MARC MARON
IS SITTING ON THE COUCH.
495
00:19:08,931 --> 00:19:10,765
MARC, DON'T TAKE THIS
THE WRONG WAY,
496
00:19:10,816 --> 00:19:13,751
BUT I-I FEEL LIKE MAYBE YOU
DON'T WATCH THE SHOW VERY OFTEN.
497
00:19:13,785 --> 00:19:16,437
WELL, LOOK, I DID WATCH
THE SHOW IN PREPARATION FOR THIS SHOW, ALL RIGHT?
498
00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:19,490
WELL, THANK YOU.
YEAH, WELL, NORMALLY, I DON'T KNOW IF I WOULD WATCH IT
499
00:19:19,525 --> 00:19:22,560
'CAUSE I THINK IT'S FOR
15-YEAR-OLDS OR PEOPLE WHO ARE EMOTIONALLY 15.
500
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:24,245
WHAT?!
YEAH.
501
00:19:24,279 --> 00:19:25,613
[ AUDIENCE MURMURS ]
WHAT?! MY GIRLFRIEND ENJOYS IT.
502
00:19:25,664 --> 00:19:27,415
SHE HELPED ME
DO THE RESEARCH,
503
00:19:27,449 --> 00:19:28,666
AND THAT'S HOW
THIS IS HAPPENING. WAIT, SO I'M CONFUSED.
504
00:19:28,700 --> 00:19:29,784
IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND
EMOTIONALLY 15
505
00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:32,336
OR IS SHE ACTUALLY 15?
506
00:19:32,371 --> 00:19:36,007
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?
EITHER WAY, I'M LEARNING HOW TO PARENT A MIDDLE-SCHOOLER.
507
00:19:36,041 --> 00:19:38,075
I THINK IT'S GREAT
THAT YOU'RE DATING SOMEBODY
508
00:19:38,093 --> 00:19:40,678
WHO'S TOO YOUNG TO
REMEMBER THE FIRST 30 YEARS OF YOUR CAREER.
509
00:19:40,712 --> 00:19:42,913
OH.
[ CHRIS LAUGHS ]
510
00:19:42,931 --> 00:19:44,298
YEAH?
OH, YEAH, YOU LIKE THAT ONE?
511
00:19:44,349 --> 00:19:46,100
WELL, I'M SURE YOUR WIFE
IS EXCITED TO BE MARRIED
512
00:19:46,134 --> 00:19:48,135
TO A MAN WHOSE COMEDY CAREER
PEAKED WHEN HE WAS IN COLLEGE.
513
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,270
UH, MICHAEL'S WAS BETTER.
514
00:19:49,304 --> 00:19:50,938
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
515
00:19:50,973 --> 00:19:52,640
LOOK, I HAVE NO PROBLEM
DATING A YOUNGER, HOTTER WOMAN.
516
00:19:52,691 --> 00:19:54,525
IT'S JUST A --
IT'S A LITTLE BIT TRYING
517
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:56,811
WHEN I ASK HER TO CLEAN HER ROOM
AND SHE DOESN'T.
518
00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:59,363
I THINK IT'S GREAT THAT YOU
GIVE HER HER OWN ROOM, MARC.
519
00:19:59,398 --> 00:20:01,983
[ CELLPHONE VIBRATES ]
[ SIGHS ]
520
00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:03,818
HEY, MARC, BUDDY,
THIS IS A LIVE TV SHOW.
521
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:06,454
IS IT COOL TO NOT CHECK YOUR
TWITTER FEED EVERY TWO MINUTES?
522
00:20:06,488 --> 00:20:08,322
SORRY, MAN. I'M SORRY.
523
00:20:08,373 --> 00:20:10,208
LET ME ASK YOU
A SERIOUS QUESTION. OKAY.
524
00:20:10,242 --> 00:20:11,826
DO YOU EVEN KNOW
WHO THE GOVERNOR IS?
525
00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:13,661
YEAH, IT'S THE, UH --
IT'S THE ASIAN GUY, RIGHT?
526
00:20:13,712 --> 00:20:16,464
NO, IT IS NOT THE ASIAN GUY!
THAT'S GLEN!
527
00:20:16,498 --> 00:20:19,800
HE THOUGHT GLEN
WAS THE GOVERNOR! [ LAUGHTER ]
528
00:20:19,835 --> 00:20:22,003
ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT,
CHRIS, COULD WE JUST STOP
529
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:24,288
WITH THE SANCTIMONIOUS BULLSHIT?
IT'S A ZOMBIE SHOW.
530
00:20:24,306 --> 00:20:27,308
IT'S ABOUT AS FAR REMOVED
FROM REALITY AS YOU CALLING YOURSELF A NERD.
531
00:20:27,342 --> 00:20:29,510
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
I'M SORRY, MARC.
532
00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:31,512
I'M PRETTY SURE YOU DON'T
REALLY KNOW ME THAT WELL.
533
00:20:31,563 --> 00:20:34,298
I KNOW THAT YOU'RE
TOO GOOD-LOOKING TO BE CONSIDERED A NERD.
534
00:20:34,316 --> 00:20:35,816
I HAVE A BUG COLLECTION.
535
00:20:35,851 --> 00:20:38,486
I'VE SEEN OVER 500 EPISODES
OF "DOCTOR WHO."
536
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:40,804
I HAVE CHESS TROPHIES
IN MY HOUSE!
537
00:20:40,822 --> 00:20:42,240
OKAY,
I STAND CORRECTED.
538
00:20:42,274 --> 00:20:44,408
IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU HAVE
A SAD, FULL LIFE.
539
00:20:44,443 --> 00:20:46,810
AND IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE
STILL BITTER AND TRYING TO SHIT ON EVERYTHING IN YOURS.
540
00:20:46,828 --> 00:20:49,196
HEY, "STILL BITTER" --
THAT'S THE NAME OF YOUR NEW COMEDY SPECIAL, ISN'T IT?
541
00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,749
I THINK "STILL BITTER"
IS THE NAME OF ALL OF THE COMEDY SPECIALS.
542
00:20:51,783 --> 00:20:53,584
OKAY, ALL RIGHT. FUNNY, GUYS.
THAT'S GREAT. THAT'S GREAT.
543
00:20:53,619 --> 00:20:55,086
OH, WAIT A SECOND. I THINK
WE'RE ACTUALLY GETTING A CALL.
544
00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:56,170
OH, THIS IS GOOD.
545
00:20:56,204 --> 00:20:58,339
HI, UH,
YOU'RE CALLING IN TO
546
00:20:58,373 --> 00:21:01,542
"MARC MARON TAKES OVER AND
SHITS ON A TALK SHOW ON LIVE TELEVISION FOR NO REASON."
547
00:21:01,593 --> 00:21:03,828
WHAT'S YOUR NAME,
AND WHERE ARE YOU CALLING FROM?
548
00:21:03,862 --> 00:21:05,996
JEN: Hi, I'm Mark's
child girlfriend.
549
00:21:06,014 --> 00:21:08,832
OH, SHIT.
OHH! THIS IS GREAT!
550
00:21:08,850 --> 00:21:11,001
HI. HI, UH --
HI, BABY.
551
00:21:11,019 --> 00:21:12,336
You are such an asshole.
552
00:21:12,354 --> 00:21:14,105
I hope that that couch
is comfortable
553
00:21:14,139 --> 00:21:15,556
because you
are not sleeping here tonight.
554
00:21:15,607 --> 00:21:17,058
HEY, LOOK, COME ON.
WE'RE JUST TALKING HERE.
555
00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:19,610
I'M SORRY. I'LL MAKE IT UP
TO YOU. I PROMISE.
556
00:21:19,645 --> 00:21:22,446
No, I asked you for one thing,
and you couldn't do it.
557
00:21:22,481 --> 00:21:26,183
JUST RELAX, JEN, ALL RIGHT?
[ TELEPHONE BEEPS ]
558
00:21:26,201 --> 00:21:28,402
HELLO? HELLO?
559
00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:31,522
DOES JEN'S MOMMY KNOW
SHE'S USING THE PHONE, MARC?
560
00:21:31,540 --> 00:21:33,958
BABY, I'M SORRY, OKAY?
WE WERE JUST JOKING.
561
00:21:33,992 --> 00:21:36,026
I'LL BE HOME SOON.
I LOVE YOU.
562
00:21:36,044 --> 00:21:38,195
WELL, LET'S TALK ABOUT
THE EMOTIONAL IMPACT OF MARC'S GIRLFRIEND
563
00:21:38,213 --> 00:21:40,131
BREAKING UP WITH HIM
ON LIVE TELEVISION -- WHAT DO YOU THINK, MICHAEL?
564
00:21:40,165 --> 00:21:41,382
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, BUDDY.
565
00:21:41,416 --> 00:21:43,050
YOU CAN SHACK UP
WITH ME TONIGHT.
566
00:21:43,085 --> 00:21:44,635
WE'LL CUDDLE.
GET OFF ME. GET OFF. GET OFF.
567
00:21:44,670 --> 00:21:45,703
[ GRUNTS ]
GET OFF!
568
00:21:45,721 --> 00:21:46,721
I JUST DID.
569
00:21:46,755 --> 00:21:49,090
RACK ME!
[ LAUGHTER ]
570
00:21:49,141 --> 00:21:52,259
AND IT LOOKS LIKE TONIGHT'S
KILL OF THE WEEK GOES TO MARC'S NOW-EX-GIRLFRIEND,
571
00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:53,928
WHO RIPPED HIS STILL-BEATING HEART OUT OF HIS CHEST
572
00:21:53,979 --> 00:21:55,563
ON A LIVE TELEVISION SHOW.
573
00:21:55,597 --> 00:21:57,064
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
574
00:21:57,099 --> 00:22:00,851
ALL IN ALL,
NOT A BAD APPEARANCE.
575
00:22:00,901 --> 00:22:05,451
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