All language subtitles for Maron s01e01 Internet Troll.eng

Things are going pretty well for me right now,

but that's a problem, because when things are going well,

that means there's a voice in my head saying you're going to screw it up.

You're going to screw it up Marc,

just over and over again.

And I just wish that voice were louder

than the voice screaming: Let's screw it up!

A few years ago, I was planning on killing myself in my garage.

And now I'm doing the best thing I've ever done in my life,

in that same garage.

It's a Podcast. You know what a Podcast is?

I've been on Conan O'Brien like forty-seven times, and he don't
know who I am, right?

Is it important that people know who you are?

Did I tell you about that, uh, dream that I had with us?

It was me and you, we're in the jungle.
We're surrounded by animals.

And it's like some sort of a class of some kind,

and the animals are studying us having sex.

Okay, that's just, okay.

Well the goods news is, that Boomer has just a little stomach virus so, um,

I'm gonna give you some medicine that you give to him every few hours, okay?

Yeah, okay, thanks.

So I should bring him back in a few days?

- No, I don't think that's necessary. - Really?

Not even for, you know, just the check-in?

If in a couple of weeks, he still has some symptoms,
you can make an appointment.

Oh, great. So I'll see you in a couple of weeks.

If he has a symptom.

Well, you know actually I think I'm gonna bring my other cat in.

Why? What's the problem?

I don't know. She seems unhappy.

Okay, well, um,

you can bring her in for a check-up, I guess.

Great, that would be nice.

You can make an appointment with Lisa, upfront.

Right. Okay.

- And bring Boomer too. - I'll do that.

- Okay - Okay

- Bye Marc. - Bye.

So, uh, does the Doctor have any pets?

Yes, she has a cat and two dogs.

- She have a husband?

Yes, she has a husband.

Yeah? How's that working out?

Is there anything that I can help you with today, Mr. Maron?

Oh, look at that. Dragon Master says I'm not funny.

I don't understand.

Twitter. Who are these people? Don't they have lives?

Me not funny? Come on.

There's one thing I know, it's that I'm funny.

I'm not engaging with them.

Subtitle by Syntech. Corrected by Duke57

I'm over it.

You know. If you're saying that, you're probably not over it.

Heartbreak. Who the hell knows, how long that takes to process.

I am obsessed,

with the idea of running into my ex-wife.

I've not seen her in years.

And we live in the same town. But I haven't run into her

which means one:
I'm not over it if I'm obsessing about it.

And two

when I think about it,
it doesn't ever go well.

It's never a good thing.
I don't know what's gonna happen.

She can be with her new husband.

Am I gonna cry? Am I gonna yell?
Am I gonna do both?

Am I gonna be holding a yoga mat?
Am I gonna be wearing my gym shorts?

Am I gonna be in the middle of eating something?

And feeling ashamed for eating it? I have no idea.

But I know obviously, I'm still sad and I, I imagine that will

will pass.

But I know one thing about me. If I'm sad

and it's in public,

it's not gonna come out sadness.

It's just gonna come out anger.

Jesus, Boomie. You couldn't wait till we got home.

Oh, my God. Unbelievable.

Hey buddy, can I use a restroom? I've got a problem here.

Bathrooms are for customers only.

Oh my God. What is that smell?

- Is that you? - Yeah, it's me.

Can I use the restroom now?

Yeah, it's over there.

Marc.

Oh, hey.

- It's you. - Yeah.

- Yeah, and the guy who stole you from me. - Come on, grow up.

- It's been like four years. - Yeah.

Wow. Pregnant.

Yeah.

So that's your move?

I get it. I know who you are.

You're having a baby at me. That's a spite baby.

Yeah Marc, it's all about you.

Everything's all about you.

Well, congratulations. I have to go to the bathroom,

cuz Boomer shit in his cage.

You remember Boomer, don't you? You left him too.

Right buddy?

I'm Jerry by the way. We haven't actually met but, um,

heard lot about you.

Yeah, I bet you have.

Well, you know what? I've read a lot about you.

I Google who's my ex-wife banging.

I get it. Harvard, money, better husband.

It was like Googling cancer, when you think you have it.

Okay. Glad to see, you haven't changed much.

Yeah. Well looks you're all set for eighteen years.

How far along are you with that, Intra-uterine insurance policy.

- Hey, that's a little out of line. - Oh, yeah?

Is it out of line? Guy who stole my wife?

Who's out of line?

I don't know, a guy who lost his wife,

maybe the better man won here.

- Jerry, let it go.

Yeah, let it go Jerry, but before you do,

I just wanted you to know that I had her, when she was perfect.

Hey! What the hell?

What kind of guy does that, dude?
I've got sick cat here, man.

Okay, sir. You have to leave now.

Why do I gotta leave? Make them leave. She's good at that.

Uh, not my problem?

Please leave.

Nice seeing you both.

Hope you get a nice crib with my money.

Yeah, maybe I didn't handle that very well.

But I think I was speaking for both of us.

I would say don't quit your day job, but you don't have one,
and it's too late to get one.

Who the hell is Dragon Master?

Dave?

What are you doing here?

Well, I was napping.

Ugh! That looks messy.

My cat's got a stomach problem.

Ugh! I think I might as well, at the moment.

Where were you last week?

- Can you be more specific?
- You were supposed to be here last week.

Oh, sorry. I thought today was last week.

Well alright, I better get going.

Wait, wait. You shouldn't drive.

Just hang out for a while. Maybe we can do the interview.

Alright, fine.

It's stinky out here though. Let's go inside.

Ugh. Inside is good too, good, good, good, you know?

I need to lay down. I'm not feeling so good.

Okay, okay.

You sure you don't want a chair?

Noooo, this is nice.

It's cool on my face.

Hey, look. I'm sorry for Madgie.

Just run into my ex-wife and she was pregnant. It was horrible.

Yeah, but don't you have like a hot second wife now?

That was the hot second wife.

Awww.

Well, mine's gone too.

You know, it was my mommy, and my house...

The kids, whatever you...

Hey, come on. Get up.

Come on. It will be okay, buddy.

Let's go over to the couch.

Okay. Couches are nice.

Marc Maron wasn't funny when he was funny, and that was 20 years ago.

Hah.

Marc Maron is sad and draining, with his soul sucking jokes.

Some guy on Twitter has been railing on me all day.
Calls himself the Dragon Master.

Well, that sounds like a very important job.

They're all cowards. I'm just sick of it.

Why should I have to put up with this?

Yeah, you just ignore them.

Shut up, Marc Maron. It's not our fault your parents didn't love you.

That one is actually pretty helpful.

If whining was jokes, Marc Maron would be a genius.

Marc Maron,

do us all a favor and kill yourself, because that would be hilarious.

- Hash tag. Big-closer. - Ha-ha, that's a good one.

You know, why're you taken this so personally?

I mean, he's just some

on the money, Idiot.

I'm gonna figure out who this is.

Yes! Got you!

Dave, wake up. I found him.

- Huh? Who? - Dragon Master

His name is Darryl. He's 27.

And he's from Colorado. He worked for the city but hates the job.

He blogs. He blogs about anime, British comedy, The Nerdist,

and he and his friends are playing D&D, at a comic bookstore,
in Irvine this afternoon.

Huh? That is a lot of research. How long have I been asleep? A week?

I went to his Twitter page.

I found his name.

I did search on Facebook.

It came up with three names.

He has a Miyazaki Twitter avatar.

That was one of the options on Facebook.

Favorite director.

That linked me to his blog.

So now, I'm back on his Twitter, and he's on his way to play.

Wow. You are really good at wasting time.

Can I go home now?

No? We're going Orange County.

We're gonna confront this guy face to face.

I'm tired of these cowards attacking me from the dark,

hiding behind screen names.

We're going!

I don't want to. I want to go eat something that's bad for me.

I'll get you an In-N-Out Burger.

I want a burrito.

Deal.

Screw this guy.

I'm taking a stand against Internet Bullies.

These maladjusted assholes,

who anonymously spew lies and hate.

It's not just about me, though man.

I'm doing this for all those sexually confused college kids,

who are jumping off bridges, because they were bullied.

This is a crusade for decency.

Are you gay?

No! What's that got to do with anything?

I just thought maybe that's what you were talking about. I...

- No! - Alright

You know, it's okay to be gay.

I'm not gay!

Alright, but it's okay if you're gay.

I don't... you know, we're going to get me something to eat, right?

Yes, I promise. Just... let's just deal with this thing first.

Alright.

Why is that cat in the car?

He's sick. I might have to give him his medicine.

You okay, Boomie? I know you don't feel good, Buddy.

'Cause see, that's a little gay.

What are you doing?

Well, seems pretty clear.

There's a bathroom inside.

Yeah, but it's just not the same as being out here under big sky.

You're peeing behind a dumpster in Glendale.

Ohhh! Don't be such a buzz-kill.

How many cats you got?

I've got three cats of my own, and then there's a couple that hang around.

Christ. That's a lot of cats, Marc.

I don't like them.

Well, I'm not sure I like you.

Well, I'm just saying.

I mean you never know what cats are thinking, you know?

Dog: Dog's upfront with who they are. They say "Hello I'm a dog".

This is all there is.

Yeah, I get it, I get it. I grew up with dogs.

- Yeah. - Too needy.

I don't want anything needier than me, in my house.

I mean, if there's gonna be something crying,

and panting in my house, it's gonna be me.

You are, needy.

I don't know. I just like, that you have to fight for a cats affection.

I think I'm attracted to women like that too, I mean,

my ex-wife,

I don't think she even really liked me.

And then she just wandered off.

And... now she's having kittens.

Nah, should have got a dog.

- You ready? - Uh, you know, uh,

I was thinking, that I would uh, just hang out in the car with Bammer.

- It's Boomer! - Uh huh.

- Hi - Hi

Can I help you find something?

Yeah, I'm looking for Darryl.

You a copper?

No. Why would you ask me that?

Movies.

He's supposed to be here, playing Dungeons & Dragons.

Maybe he is.

Who are you?

A friend.

Huh, I don't think so.

I know all of Darryl's friends.

There are only 5 of us.

- Look. Is he here or not? - Maybe.

Well, alright. Tell him Marc Maron is here.

Okay.

It's highly unusual to interrupt a session,

but I'll see.

Thanks.

Don't steal anything.

I've got cameras everywhere, I mean everywhere.

There's one there, one there, one in here, and there's one up there.

Alright. I get it.

I'll try not to steal anything.

Dragon Master says, he doesn't want to see you.

Screw that.

- I'm going back there. - No, I wouldn't do that if I were you.

There'll be a price to pay for that trespass.

I get it gate keeper, relax.

Oh, look who's here.

Hello fellas.

Uh, wow! This... this is embarrassing.

Yeah, well, you should be embarrassed.

I... I was thinking it was embarrassing for you.

I mean, why are you here?

And how did you even find me?

Well I figured it out.

Geez, this is pretty pathetic, don't you think?

What's your problem, man?

Ahh, you're the one who tracked me down online.

I think we need to talk about, what your problem is.

Why don't you just shut up, and leave me alone.

- I don't bother you. - Oh, until now.

I just want to know why you keep attacking me.

'Cause you're not funny?

Yeah! You suck.

Nothing?

He's under a spell.

You guys are bunch of cowards.

Why can't you just say something, to somebody's face?

We all just did, say something to your face.

What is this? A troll cave?

What am I inside the Internet right now?

That wasn't funny either. That... that didn't even make sense.

Now if you don't mind, we'd like to get back to our campaign.

Really? You don't understand metaphors.

You guys are wearing costumes, and I'm the idiot?

That guy's got elf ears on. The wrong color elf ears.

Racist?!

- Wait a minute. - You don't get it, do you?

People don't like you.

Like, do you need to be liked by everyone?

No.

I don't know. Maybe.

I just don't understand, why you have to attack me in a public forum.

Uh... because it's fun?

Yea. You get all worked up an upset, and then you start to cry.

Like a little bitch!

I don't cry.

And that's a little sexist.

Uh, Marc, uh,

Bammer, uh, he crapped in his cage.

Again?

Dave Foley?! No way. This is amazing.

Well, this certainly is a pleasure to meet you, Dave.

Prepare to get hated on.

No, no, Marc. He's actually my sarcastic guy character, from the,
Kids In The Hall.

That was good. That was pretty good, it really was.

Dave's, I know, I know, These are the Dave's I know.

Oh, Dave. Will you be Jocelyn?

You were the best lady.

- That says a lot. - Hey!

Let the funny man talk.

No, guys look, I don't think I can do that.
I don't even know if I still remember that character.

- Oh come on! - Come on!

- Come on. - Don't do it man.

Don't be their monkey.

Oh, come on, I could do a few minutes.

These are nice kids. Come on.

I'm going to my car.

Yeah, go. Your cat's shitting his cage.

You should write one man show about that.

I'll just be a second. It'll be one second.

They're nice kids.

Hey, anyone here know this guy, Thompson Park?

Oh, wow. Okay, alright.

We'll do this as a round, I guess.

Uh, alright, alright, uh.

Did you have fun in there?

Yeah. I did

Yeah! They were so excited. It was cute, man.

It's fun to have fans.

How'd it go for you in there?

Shut up.

Yeah, they didn't like you at all.

Yeah, that seems to be going around today.

Well, I still got it.

What was I thinking.

I'm an idiot.

Why'd I even go over there?

Well, as I recall you were gonna teach them a lesson.

Strike a blow for depressed gay kids everywhere.

I wonder if they let up.

Thanks, Marc Maron, for driving Dave Foley to our game.

Do you work for him now?

That's good.

The only thing funny about Marc Maron, are his friends.

Look, Marc.

You're just not for everybody, alright?

You just gotta accept that.

I mean I've spent the whole day with you, and it... it's been trying.

You know, those kids weren't bad.

So, Dave Foley. We had uh, quite an adventure today.

Uh, well, you know I just really wanted to get something to eat gross.

And you did. Yeah, the burrito.

Yes. Yes.

Yeah, and a, yeah, today, you know.

Was a...

Alright.

I don't feel so great.

Yeah.

Why don't we book another day that you can miss,

and then you can show up unannounced again.

- That sounds like a good plan. - Okay.

Alright, and uh, thanks for the burrito.

And uh, I hope your cat's okay.

Thank you.

- Alright. See you, Marc. - Okay, man.

That's the best food, right?

Yeah, I think so.

These others are filled with ash, and filler.

One of my cats, once got crystals in his bladder.

Clogged his thing up.

Poor guy almost exploded from the inside, 'cause of bad food.

Barely saved him.

Sorry. Sounds horrible.

Can you imagine?

Having your pee tube clogged up?

Oh, God.

- Urethra. - What?

Pee tube. It's a urethra.

Ohhh! Still not comfortable with it.

I had a prostate thing so, I... I know.

Oh, I'm sorry man.

- You okay now? - Yeah, I'm good.

Your voice sounds familiar.

Are you Marc Maron?

I am.

Oh my God!

I love you!

- Okay. - I'm Sid.

- It was nice to meet you Sid. - Your show is the greatest!

Uh, my wife left, it's just me, and the cats.

You just keep us company. Okay. I love it.

The cats love it.

Thank you so much.

- Thank you so much. - Well, I'm glad to help out.

You got three cats?

Monkey, Boomer, and LaFonda.

You got it.

You got it.

How many you have?

I've got a few. It's like I'm running... a shelter at my house.

'Cause I am.

Hey, you should come by.

You'd love it.

Oh, I'd love to.

Uh, I've a lot going on today though.

Sometimes things don't work out.

Most things.

The people that you want to love you, may stop loving you,

The job you wanted, might not pan out.

Or you don't love it.

Friendships fade, or go away.

It happens.

It's sad, but you can count on it.

Now, if you think you're causing these things to happen,

because of unreasonable expectations.

Or just by being a dick.

You're gonna have to answer to that.

You're gonna have to answer to yourself.

You're gonna have to sit yourself down, and say: "You're a dick".

And if you don't cool it,

you're gonna be alone, and no one is gonna like you.

And if you're me. You'll say to you.

Shut up.

I'm doing it the way I want to do it, and people are just gonna have
to accept that.

I am, who I am.

Yeah, you're a dick.

Hey, don't interrupt me while I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Oh, I'm sorry man. I love you.

No, you don't.

I'll work on it.

That cat doesn't like anyone.

That's amazing.

You've got a real gift.

Yeah.

Well, I'm not for everybody. And the things that...

I do attract, are usually the same as me.

How are you my little angry, difficult, misunderstood friend?

He's fixed.

Oh, I'm not bringing him home.

Any of them. No! Sorry.

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