Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:21,992
I was just thinking about you falling
into the Christmas tree last year.
2
00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:23,359
I didn't fall into anything.
3
00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:26,437
- What are you doing in that?
- We'll take the BMW. Come on.
4
00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:28,755
- It's not yours.
- It will be, though.
5
00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:31,394
Not necessarily.
He may not have left it to you.
6
00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:33,749
Of course he will have. You can't drive.
7
00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:42,710
Come here. Uh!
8
00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:46,150
Ooh, I do wish you'd shave off
that moustache.
9
00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:48,430
Pot, kettle. Come on.
10
00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:50,675
Let's go and get it over with.
11
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:08,000
Ripped By mstoll
12
00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:22,798
Well, this is bloody ridiculous.
13
00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:25,479
Yes, well, I'm sorry,
but your father left very...
14
00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:26,919
specific instructions.
15
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:30,032
Yes, clearly. Can we just...
16
00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:37,156
Oh, God.
17
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,634
It was your dad's favourite.
18
00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:41,989
Oh, I see. I'm in hell.
19
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:44,353
Continue.
20
00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:47,551
"I, Richard Davies, being of sound mind,
21
00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:49,989
"do make this my will and final testament.
22
00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:53,715
"My darling wife, Polly,
you are a wonderful woman
23
00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:57,833
"and to you I leave my share of the house
and all of my savings.
24
00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:00,440
"In addition, I ask this.
25
00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:03,153
"Please move on. Find a man.
26
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:06,590
"Someone who will give you
what you so desperately need.
27
00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:08,358
"A man with real girth.
28
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:10,356
"You know what I'm talking about,
you naughty pussycat.
29
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:14,712
"You need lots of cream,
like all... pussycats do."
30
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,796
- Christ.
- I do like cream.
31
00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:18,831
- Can we...
- Of course.
32
00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:22,475
"Remember our first holiday in Spain,
when I was as horny as a bullock."
33
00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:23,999
Fucking hell.
34
00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:27,589
"I took you in that field behind
Salvador's Bar and you started howling...
35
00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:29,794
"...over my back,
36
00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:34,277
"and even though it hurt like hell
the next day and the smell was unbearable,
37
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,117
"we both agreed it was worth it."
38
00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:37,434
Hmm.
39
00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:39,516
"Daniel, my son,
40
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:40,834
"you can't have my car.
41
00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:45,431
"I love you but you are the weakest Daniel
of all the Daniels,
42
00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:48,153
"Daniel Craig and Danny Glover,
to name but two.
43
00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:53,158
"Even Daniel Radcliffe
could overpower you easily,
44
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:55,760
"even if he was tired
from a long day of filming.
45
00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,439
"So Daddy will, as ever, have to step in.
46
00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:00,675
"I leave you the flat."
47
00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:02,950
Bloody hell!
48
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:05,513
My own home.
49
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:10,270
"However, you're obviously not ready
for the pressures of a property portfolio,
50
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:12,072
"and your mum is too soft,
51
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:15,192
"and so I have made some arrangements."
52
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:19,353
We haven't seen Auntie Nesta
since I was about four.
53
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,551
- Why the hell would he put her in charge?
- No idea.
54
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:23,999
They were never close,
55
00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:27,191
and the one time she did visit,
she clearly hated you.
56
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:29,151
What? Why?
57
00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:32,237
Well, you were so long
and strange-looking, Daniel.
58
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:35,238
I could barely get you in the pram.
You unsettled everyone.
59
00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:38,795
Your dad used to tell people
your hormones were all wrong.
60
00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:39,955
I'll bet he did.
61
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:41,479
He was very proud of you.
62
00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:42,919
Bollocks.
63
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,599
I was a toy to him, and now...
well, it sounds melodramatic,
64
00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:47,949
but he's trying to destroy me
from beyond the grave.
65
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:51,117
He's not trying to destroy you
from beyond the grave, Daniel.
66
00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:55,073
He is. But it won't work. I'll go
and get the bloody thing signed today.
67
00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:56,553
On Christmas Eve?
68
00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:59,114
Yes. Give me the waiver,
Emperor Palpatine.
69
00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:01,469
Head of the household.
70
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:06,277
Well, head of the household,
how are you going to get there?
71
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:07,309
What?
72
00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:11,750
Oh, happy fucking Christmas.
73
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:16,996
Is it like this?
74
00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:18,871
Well, no, not really.
75
00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:20,638
Ahh. More like this one?
76
00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:25,516
It burns when I go to the toilet.
It's not remotely like Christmas lights.
77
00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:28,120
You say that. What about this one?
78
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:30,674
Thought so.
79
00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:32,312
Ouch.
80
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:35,397
Don't worry. We'll sort you out
with some ho-ho-h'antibiotics.
81
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,150
Merry Christmas!
82
00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:47,029
Can I have a word, please, Jo?
83
00:04:54,280 --> 00:04:57,317
- Oh! Emma, hi!
- Oh, hello!
84
00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:59,430
- Bit of last-minute shopping?
- Oh, yeah.
85
00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:01,948
With a shocking hangover, unfortunately.
86
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,389
- Oh, were you out last night?
- Yeah, just a few from work.
87
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:05,919
Oh... who was there?
88
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:08,269
Oh, um... the usual. Jenny, Martin...
89
00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,629
- Alistair from maths?
- Yeah, Al was there, yeah.
90
00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:13,274
Ohh, was he wearing Joop?
91
00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:16,039
Did you not get the round robin?
92
00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:18,958
I don't know. Let's have a look,
shall we? Oh, no.
93
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:23,198
I blocked last night out to be with Mum,
cos it was the will reading today, so...
94
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:25,071
How was it? Is your mum OK?
95
00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:27,634
She's fine. She had me, so, you know...
96
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,911
A real scaffolding of strength.
97
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,155
God. I forgot, actually.
98
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,909
I've got an appointment on January 2nd
with, um... Tony Shingler.
99
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:39,349
- Who?
- Shingler's Carpet Barn.
100
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:42,710
Thought I might get me some new carpets.
101
00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:46,719
Seems like a false economy
in a rented place, doesn't it, but...
102
00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:48,671
Does Alistair from maths rent?
103
00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:50,153
Are you OK, Dan?
104
00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:52,031
All right, sir?
105
00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:54,833
Finally ask Miss out, did ya?
106
00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:56,233
What is that on your top lip?
107
00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:57,793
This is my time!
108
00:05:57,840 --> 00:05:59,956
You total loser.
109
00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:02,799
What about a wet room?
110
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:05,877
I'm gonna go now, Dan.
111
00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:07,592
Happy Christmas.
112
00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:10,349
See you soon.
113
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:13,914
Said the spider to the fly.
114
00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:21,680
- You. Come on. We've got something to do.
- How did you know I'd be in here?
115
00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:22,948
You've been sacked again, right?
116
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,597
Looking forward to Christmas, Shakira?
117
00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:31,437
Go shit off a rope swing.
118
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:33,232
- Yep.
- I robbed 'em blind.
119
00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:35,157
Serves them right for sacking me.
How ungrateful!
120
00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:36,997
If anyone needs Christmas,
it's them, I tell you that much...
121
00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:38,598
Just get out.
122
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,198
You can't keep using it.
123
00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:10,708
It says here in black and white,
124
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:12,990
"If there's anything I can do,
you only need ask."
125
00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:15,349
You shouldn't have said it
if you didn't mean it, Brian.
126
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:18,915
It was six months ago.
I think I've been pretty supportive.
127
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:22,191
And where the hell are we? I presumed you
would know where your own aunt lives.
128
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:28,310
"Unqualified, blah blah, inappropriate
grotto." Nothing about why I was sacked.
129
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,430
- Total mystery, crazy Rudolph.
- Yes.
130
00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:32,994
And can you take those off?
They're going to scuff the roof lining.
131
00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:35,793
As if I haven't superglued them!
132
00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:37,796
She fully commits to Christmas.
You know that, Brian.
133
00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:39,159
- Old school.
- Yes.
134
00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:54,478
- What's offensive about that?
- Yeah, shut up now. We're here.
135
00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:55,873
Christ.
136
00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,559
There's effluent everywhere.
The Scénic will be covered.
137
00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:01,672
Oh, take your Caps Lock off.
Bit of mud on your tyres.
138
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:05,076
There'll be body flick-up.
It's basic physics.
139
00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:07,076
Hurry up and get the bloody thing signed.
140
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,109
Oh, right.
141
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:10,435
Just bowl in there
and slam a waiver down, shall I?
142
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:11,959
Honestly, Brian.
143
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:13,911
I do things differently now.
144
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:17,589
She's just lost her brother. I need to
empathise with her and then I'll cajole.
145
00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:19,517
That's what they say about me these days,
146
00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:24,873
"He empathises and then,
and only then, does he cajole."
147
00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:27,195
They don't say anything about you.
148
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,151
Did you get her a Crimbo pressie, mate?
149
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,270
Oh, shit!
150
00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:34,437
- What's this?
- It's a painting for Julia.
151
00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,550
Just... get out.
152
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,558
My God, you're a selfish man.
153
00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:45,471
A-And you're not getting back in this car
with muddy feet!
154
00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:51,078
Look at that bloody suit.
155
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:53,759
Yeah, he's really got his act together
since his dad died.
156
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:56,229
Yes.
157
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:02,629
Oh...
158
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:05,558
Yes, he has.
159
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:08,672
Heel!
160
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,393
- Oh! Fucking hell.
- All right, Piss! Heel! Come on!
161
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:14,593
What do you think of this bastard?
162
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:17,996
He seems like... a nice trout.
163
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:24,354
Now, you have got the time for me to walk
round this corner to tell me who you are
164
00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:28,075
and then all hell will break loose!
165
00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:29,917
Oh. Oh, no, that's fine.
166
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,269
I mean, you probably recognise me.
If you imagine me without the moustache...
167
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:36,472
Come on, speak, you great fat giraffe,
or I'm going to get my gun.
168
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:39,239
- No, no, you don't...
- Piss! Piiiiisss!
169
00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:41,953
Come on! It's gun time!
170
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:44,195
- It's not gun...
- Come on, Piss!
171
00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:45,832
She's got a fucking gun!
172
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:48,838
This does not bode well.
173
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:53,271
Barry, if you do not furnish me
with venison by this evening,
174
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:56,357
you know what the consequences will be.
175
00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:58,550
Bonne bloody chance!
176
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:03,637
Why didn't you tell me
you were Richard's boy?!
177
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:05,352
Well, I sort of thought
you might be able to...
178
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:07,118
Yeah, same rubbered face!
179
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:11,199
No question
whose tangerines you flew out of.
180
00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:13,754
So... what are you?
181
00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:16,473
Hello. I'm Jo.
182
00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:19,193
I like what you did with your face.
You've made it red. Very Christmassy.
183
00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:26,228
- Does she have a helper?
- Well...
184
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:28,840
They do have helpers nowadays,
don't they?
185
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:33,392
- Present, present.
- Oh, Nesta.
186
00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:34,793
Happy Christmas.
187
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:43,078
- What the hell is this?!
- Just, er...
188
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:46,590
That... That's... a painting I did. Er...
189
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:49,714
It's a knight.
190
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,159
That's Brian.
191
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:54,875
I don't have time for this! I have enough
on my hands with this hairy cretin!
192
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:56,717
I am not looking at you, Piss!
193
00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:58,876
And I shan't!
194
00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:01,115
OK, Nesta, I...
195
00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:02,908
The thing is, I...
196
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:04,473
Sorry, Nesta, I...
197
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:07,080
Yeah, Auntie... Auntie Nesta!
198
00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:11,557
Sorr... Sorry to raise my voice, but I'm
afraid I've come here with some bad news.
199
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:13,591
You see, it's... it's Dad. He's...
200
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:14,755
Dead?
201
00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:17,876
Feared as much.
202
00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:19,797
Did you?
203
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:22,149
This is the first year he hasn't rung me
up, pretending to be someone else,
204
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:23,553
telling me he's dead.
205
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,751
Ohh, I suspected he'd go first.
206
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:30,679
Had no purpose, you see.
207
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:39,317
Well, there you go, people die. Hmm.
208
00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:41,759
Good luck, Dickie.
209
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,473
What, is... is that it?
210
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:46,829
Well, do you want me to suckle you, boy?
211
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:48,313
No!
212
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:49,759
OK, look.
213
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,677
Dad left me the flat in his will,
214
00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:55,793
but for some reason he stipulated that
I can't have it until you say so,
215
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:58,115
so I've got this waiver. If you could...
216
00:11:58,160 --> 00:11:59,639
Aha.
217
00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:01,477
Look at my list.
218
00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:05,752
Barry will be back any second,
empty-handed.
219
00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:09,918
I shall have to punish him
and go out and bag a deer myself.
220
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:11,632
So...
221
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:15,514
if you want me to sign that waiver,
222
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,915
you are going to have to earn it.
223
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:22,988
Nobody gets something for nothing
at Rose Bush Farm!
224
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:35,390
Loads to be done.
225
00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:36,839
Come on, hound!
226
00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:39,269
Barry has failed us!
227
00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:40,833
Right.
228
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:43,474
- Is this all part of your plan?
- I'm adapting my plan.
229
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:47,195
Cool. OK. OK, well, I'll...
I'll start bringing Christmas.
230
00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:52,268
I'm thinking, "Defrost her freezer.
Use the sludge to make a snowman."
231
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:56,233
You've lost three jobs in three weeks.
You touch nothing.
232
00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:58,315
Right.
233
00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:01,318
Think I can handle bringing a turkey in
from a shed and popping it in the oven,
234
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:02,349
eh, Dad?
235
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:06,589
By the way...
236
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:08,995
... what the fuck is this?
237
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,237
"I think that will
really put Jersey on the map, "
238
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:14,475
said Bergerac.
He put on his tweed jacket...
239
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:16,192
Shoo, shoo!
240
00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:18,549
Bzzz! Buzz off!
241
00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:31,555
Please. Not like this. I have children.
242
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:33,716
Give it a kiss.
243
00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:35,671
What?
244
00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:39,156
Give my gun... a little kiss.
245
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,151
Good.
246
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:48,318
Don't throw things at my cow again.
247
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:51,636
The poor old soul has quite enough
on her plate as it is.
248
00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:54,759
Ah, there you are, Barry.
249
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,473
Walk behind me.
250
00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:01,672
I am incredibly angry with you.
Do you understand?
251
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:04,075
I think I'm going to hit you.
252
00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:14,432
Oh, no.
253
00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:23,317
Well, mate.
254
00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:26,750
I didn't expect you to be alive,
but... here we are.
255
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:31,316
It looks like new Dan has got
a few more tests to pass yet.
256
00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:35,194
I can hear Dad laughing now. "You
can't do it, Daniel. You're too weak."
257
00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:37,595
But... but he was wrong.
258
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:39,756
He was always wrong.
259
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:42,439
Life for a life, old friend.
260
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:46,235
A life for a life.
261
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:49,955
Hmm.
262
00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:56,395
Ow! Ow, ow!
263
00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:57,839
Ow!
264
00:14:57,880 --> 00:14:59,632
Ow! Argh!
265
00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:01,830
Oh, my God! Ow!
266
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:03,108
Oh, my God.
267
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,469
Oh! Oh!
268
00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:07,909
- Dan?
- Fuck!
269
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:10,076
Ow! It won't die!
270
00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:12,714
It won't fucking die!
271
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:15,593
Ow! Argh!
272
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,835
Kill it! Help me!
273
00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:21,077
Argh! Argh!
274
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:24,078
Kill it!
275
00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:26,680
Kill it!
276
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:29,553
- Aah!
- Aah!
277
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,394
Aah!
278
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:37,715
You bloody fool. You let it escape.
279
00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:40,638
What the hell are you doing?! You're
supposed to be getting a waiver signed!
280
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:43,672
I was helping my aunt
prepare for Christmas.
281
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:46,154
But now we're up here,
I'm on a hunt for an escaped turkey!
282
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:49,510
What's the matter?
Worried about getting your dress dirty?
283
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:52,518
You don't think maybe
she meant that turkey?
284
00:15:57,560 --> 00:16:00,313
Right, I just need to get this
in the oven, Brian.
285
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,396
Oh, we're cooking now, are we?
286
00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:04,351
Dan, I only told the vicar I was
popping out for a packet of Tunes.
287
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,391
It's all under control.
288
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:08,635
No, it isn't. It never is.
289
00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:10,318
Oh, I see.
290
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:13,238
Can't bear it, can you, when someone else
starts getting their life together?
291
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:15,953
You really need to take a look
at the man in the mirror.
292
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,230
Don't you quote Michael Jackson at me.
293
00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:21,795
And I am aware of the lip, Brian.
The pain is sickening.
294
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:25,549
I'm not talking about the turkey bite.
I... I'm talking about... all of it!
295
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:28,160
These are minor setbacks,
Mr Throw The Towel In.
296
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,430
Don't you dare call me
"Mr Throw The Towel In".
297
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:32,755
Why? Because you know your name?
298
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:34,552
Maybe I should use
some of your other names.
299
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,990
Mr Know It All. Mr Tedious. Prefer them?
300
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:41,396
Or Mr Buy A Packet of Sweets
And Make it Last For A Month.
301
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:44,557
Mr Washes His Car
Rather Than Talks To His Wife!
302
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:48,070
- Are these hitting home?
- OK, you've clearly lost it.
303
00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:52,033
Lost what, Mr Watch Reruns
Of The Space Shuttle Launch?
304
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:56,312
One more and I leave.
The ice is that thin, Daniel!
305
00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:57,634
Ohh!
306
00:16:57,680 --> 00:16:59,830
Mr Thin Ice!
307
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:01,757
- Mr Goodbye!
- You're not going anywhere!
308
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:04,598
Don't get turkey juice on my surplice!
309
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:07,919
Oi!
310
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,394
What's going on here? Stop fighting.
311
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:13,398
It's Christmas!
312
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:16,432
Oh, no.
313
00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:18,198
I hadn't quite finished.
314
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,631
Finished what?
315
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:27,310
Tampax and condoms? Oh, my God.
316
00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:29,715
Wicked, right?
317
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:33,878
What have you done?
318
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,150
She said we had to help
with her Christmas list.
319
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:37,349
Oh, no.
320
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:40,836
And where on the Christmas list
did it say stick some nodders on a tree?
321
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:45,396
I had to improvise from the clinic,
obviously. I think she'll like it.
322
00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:48,750
She won't like it.
No-one would like it!
323
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:52,270
- Tell her, Brian.
- Who cares? Nesta's insane.
324
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:55,551
She made me kiss a gun because
I threw a travel sweet at a cow.
325
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:58,558
A Christmas tree with condoms on it
isn't going to trouble her.
326
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:01,556
That's my painting, you bastard.
327
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:05,115
- After I drove you here!
- Yes.
328
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:07,993
And maybe if I hadn't given
my auntie a weird painting
329
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:11,316
of a droopy-moustached
financial Sir Galahad,
330
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:12,873
we wouldn't be in this mess!
331
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,831
I mean, what the fuck?!
332
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:18,111
God, that gobbling bastard's
in the house!
333
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:20,913
We've got to stop it
before Nesta gets back.
334
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:23,872
Brian? Brian.
335
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:26,229
Listen. Listen,
I've revised my plan. It's OK.
336
00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:28,999
Brian, you get in the bucket
of that digger over there
337
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:30,712
and I'll get you up
through the open window...
338
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,751
- Oh!
...and you can stop the turkey.
339
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:36,588
He wants me again now.
Typical! Well, no, not this time.
340
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:39,359
You can't walk away from this, Brian.
341
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:40,799
You promised.
342
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,840
Oh, well done, Brian.
The waiver was in there.
343
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:52,758
It's OK. I think if we get in the house
I can probably Sellotape this.
344
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:56,349
Why the hell do you need it signed today
anyway? Why today, Dan?
345
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,516
He was going to ask Emma
to move in with him.
346
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:00,357
Oh, Dan.
347
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,356
You've only had
one drink with the girl.
348
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:06,995
I just thought if I owned a place
that I could move things on a bit.
349
00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:09,235
It's this guy at work, Alistair.
350
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:12,590
He's just... better.
351
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:18,191
That's it, keep going!
352
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,435
Keep going!
353
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:23,278
Keep going! Keep going!
354
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:26,034
Keep going!
355
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:27,559
- How has this happened?
- Keep going!
356
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:32,674
Hmm.
357
00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:44,076
What are you doing?
358
00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:51,351
I can't work out how to swivel it around.
359
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:53,311
Gaahh!
360
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:55,590
The turkey's going mental.
361
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:58,313
I can hear you, you corn-fed twat!
362
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:00,430
Can't you just jump the gap, Brian?
363
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,914
I think you might be confusing me with ET.
364
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:05,315
I might have known you wouldn't know
how to drive a digger.
365
00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:08,113
I can drive a digger.
I just can't drive this digger.
366
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:10,037
I'm sorry I can't drive
enough diggers for you!
367
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:13,834
Guys, I honestly think
she'll like the tree.
368
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,075
Shut the fuck up.
369
00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:21,595
Nesta, that's not a deer! It's Jo!
370
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:25,519
Dan, look out! She's got a gun!
Nesta, wait! Don't shoot!
371
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,391
Aaah!
372
00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:38,314
Oh, she shot the cow.
373
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:41,679
This is not bringing Christmas.
374
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:43,756
Shut up. The cow hasn't been shot.
375
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,712
She's in breech.
376
00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:50,116
Won't live, poor old girl.
377
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:53,072
No! There must be something you can do.
378
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:58,240
I'm too old for pulling the buggers out
any longer and I haven't got the strength.
379
00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:01,709
I'll do it.
380
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:02,988
What?
381
00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:04,075
I think...
382
00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:06,509
...no?
383
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:08,869
Seriously.
384
00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:10,353
I'll do it.
385
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:14,350
I mean, this is awful.
386
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:18,075
- How long is this supposed to take?
- Stop moaning, boy. Just... Just grab it.
387
00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:20,475
Grab? What am I supposed
to be grabbing, Nesta?
388
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,670
I'm like Peter Duncan with that log
in Flash Gordon here.
389
00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:25,632
- Come on. What can you feel?
- I can feel the inside of a cow.
390
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:27,193
- It's disgusting.
- Oh, don't be so stupid.
391
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:30,755
- Get its hoof, boy! Get its hoof!
- I've got it. I think I've got its hoof!
392
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:33,189
Well, pull it, then!
Pull it! Come on! Pull!
393
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:34,798
You great daddy fat-lips!
394
00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:38,116
Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, Christ!
395
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:40,469
Oh! Oh!
396
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:42,112
Ohhh!
397
00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:43,354
Oh! Oh!
398
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:49,032
- I did it.
- It's like... It's like the baby Jesus.
399
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:50,069
It isn't.
400
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:57,390
Odd, isn't it? Life.
401
00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:00,756
So precious.
402
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:02,791
- One forgets.
- Nesta.
403
00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:05,115
Dad would have never
have done this, would he?
404
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:08,232
What? No, no, he never liked
getting his hands dirty.
405
00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:11,636
He was too busy swanning off
to university, in a scarf.
406
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:16,839
Huh! He was a funny bugger, though. Hmm.
407
00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:20,316
Come on, crazy girl.
Show me what you've done to my tree.
408
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:23,438
You're very lucky, you know.
409
00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:25,994
In my day, you would have been
wandering round a village
410
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:27,598
with a bell around your neck.
411
00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:29,870
Oh, thank you.
412
00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:32,036
Yeah, hear that, old man?
413
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:34,992
Maybe I'm a stronger Daniel
than you thought!
414
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:36,758
- Dan...
- Brian, this is great.
415
00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:39,473
I really think I've drawn a line
under something here.
416
00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:42,318
You know why your dad
tried to wind you up, don't you?
417
00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:44,157
What?
418
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,191
He thought you were mates.
419
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:49,788
He thought you were his best mate.
420
00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:59,192
I'm sorry you're missing your choir.
421
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,390
Come on.
422
00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:02,953
I'll take you home.
423
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:04,991
Dan!
424
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:14,031
No!
425
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:22,080
Well, I'd better get the Land Rover.
426
00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:30,273
- Happy Christmas.
- Thank you.
427
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:32,436
Absent friends.
428
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:36,393
Polly! I need you!
429
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:40,194
Your puny little oven
won't take the ham I bought.
430
00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:43,596
What the hell we're going to eat
on Boxing Day, God alone knows!
431
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:47,553
How you two have survived alone
is a complete mystery!
432
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:51,233
How long is she staying?
433
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:52,793
I don't know.
434
00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:55,638
It's lovely that she's here,
though, isn't it?
435
00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:04,193
Oh! Oh!
436
00:24:52,500 --> 00:25:00,500
Ripped By mstoll
32595
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof