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1
00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:21,992
I was just thinking about you falling
into the Christmas tree last year.
2
00:00:22,040 --> 00:00:23,359
I didn't fall into anything.
3
00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:26,437
- What are you doing in that?
- We'll take the BMW. Come on.
4
00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:28,755
- It's not yours.
- It will be, though.
5
00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:31,394
Not necessarily.
He may not have left it to you.
6
00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:33,749
Of course he will have. You can't drive.
7
00:00:40,480 --> 00:00:42,710
Come here. Uh!
8
00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:46,150
Ooh, I do wish you'd shave off
that moustache.
9
00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:48,430
Pot, kettle. Come on.
10
00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:50,675
Let's go and get it over with.
11
00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:08,000
Ripped By mstoll
12
00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:22,798
Well, this is bloody ridiculous.
13
00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:25,479
Yes, well, I'm sorry,
but your father left very...
14
00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:26,919
specific instructions.
15
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:30,032
Yes, clearly. Can we just...
16
00:01:35,120 --> 00:01:37,156
Oh, God.
17
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,634
It was your dad's favourite.
18
00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:41,989
Oh, I see. I'm in hell.
19
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:44,353
Continue.
20
00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:47,551
"I, Richard Davies, being of sound mind,
21
00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:49,989
"do make this my will and final testament.
22
00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:53,715
"My darling wife, Polly,
you are a wonderful woman
23
00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:57,833
"and to you I leave my share of the house
and all of my savings.
24
00:01:57,880 --> 00:02:00,440
"In addition, I ask this.
25
00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:03,153
"Please move on. Find a man.
26
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:06,590
"Someone who will give you
what you so desperately need.
27
00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:08,358
"A man with real girth.
28
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:10,356
"You know what I'm talking about,
you naughty pussycat.
29
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:14,712
"You need lots of cream,
like all... pussycats do."
30
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,796
- Christ.
- I do like cream.
31
00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:18,831
- Can we...
- Of course.
32
00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:22,475
"Remember our first holiday in Spain,
when I was as horny as a bullock."
33
00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:23,999
Fucking hell.
34
00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:27,589
"I took you in that field behind
Salvador's Bar and you started howling...
35
00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:29,794
"...over my back,
36
00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:34,277
"and even though it hurt like hell
the next day and the smell was unbearable,
37
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,117
"we both agreed it was worth it."
38
00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:37,434
Hmm.
39
00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:39,516
"Daniel, my son,
40
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:40,834
"you can't have my car.
41
00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:45,431
"I love you but you are the weakest Daniel
of all the Daniels,
42
00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:48,153
"Daniel Craig and Danny Glover,
to name but two.
43
00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:53,158
"Even Daniel Radcliffe
could overpower you easily,
44
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:55,760
"even if he was tired
from a long day of filming.
45
00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,439
"So Daddy will, as ever, have to step in.
46
00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:00,675
"I leave you the flat."
47
00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:02,950
Bloody hell!
48
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:05,513
My own home.
49
00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:10,270
"However, you're obviously not ready
for the pressures of a property portfolio,
50
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:12,072
"and your mum is too soft,
51
00:03:12,120 --> 00:03:15,192
"and so I have made some arrangements."
52
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:19,353
We haven't seen Auntie Nesta
since I was about four.
53
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:22,551
- Why the hell would he put her in charge?
- No idea.
54
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:23,999
They were never close,
55
00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:27,191
and the one time she did visit,
she clearly hated you.
56
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:29,151
What? Why?
57
00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:32,237
Well, you were so long
and strange-looking, Daniel.
58
00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:35,238
I could barely get you in the pram.
You unsettled everyone.
59
00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:38,795
Your dad used to tell people
your hormones were all wrong.
60
00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:39,955
I'll bet he did.
61
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:41,479
He was very proud of you.
62
00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:42,919
Bollocks.
63
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,599
I was a toy to him, and now...
well, it sounds melodramatic,
64
00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:47,949
but he's trying to destroy me
from beyond the grave.
65
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:51,117
He's not trying to destroy you
from beyond the grave, Daniel.
66
00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:55,073
He is. But it won't work. I'll go
and get the bloody thing signed today.
67
00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:56,553
On Christmas Eve?
68
00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:59,114
Yes. Give me the waiver,
Emperor Palpatine.
69
00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:01,469
Head of the household.
70
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:06,277
Well, head of the household,
how are you going to get there?
71
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:07,309
What?
72
00:04:08,280 --> 00:04:11,750
Oh, happy fucking Christmas.
73
00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:16,996
Is it like this?
74
00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:18,871
Well, no, not really.
75
00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:20,638
Ahh. More like this one?
76
00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:25,516
It burns when I go to the toilet.
It's not remotely like Christmas lights.
77
00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:28,120
You say that. What about this one?
78
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:30,674
Thought so.
79
00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:32,312
Ouch.
80
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:35,397
Don't worry. We'll sort you out
with some ho-ho-h'antibiotics.
81
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,150
Merry Christmas!
82
00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:47,029
Can I have a word, please, Jo?
83
00:04:54,280 --> 00:04:57,317
- Oh! Emma, hi!
- Oh, hello!
84
00:04:57,360 --> 00:04:59,430
- Bit of last-minute shopping?
- Oh, yeah.
85
00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:01,948
With a shocking hangover, unfortunately.
86
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,389
- Oh, were you out last night?
- Yeah, just a few from work.
87
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:05,919
Oh... who was there?
88
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:08,269
Oh, um... the usual. Jenny, Martin...
89
00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,629
- Alistair from maths?
- Yeah, Al was there, yeah.
90
00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:13,274
Ohh, was he wearing Joop?
91
00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:16,039
Did you not get the round robin?
92
00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:18,958
I don't know. Let's have a look,
shall we? Oh, no.
93
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:23,198
I blocked last night out to be with Mum,
cos it was the will reading today, so...
94
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:25,071
How was it? Is your mum OK?
95
00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:27,634
She's fine. She had me, so, you know...
96
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,911
A real scaffolding of strength.
97
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:33,155
God. I forgot, actually.
98
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,909
I've got an appointment on January 2nd
with, um... Tony Shingler.
99
00:05:36,960 --> 00:05:39,349
- Who?
- Shingler's Carpet Barn.
100
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:42,710
Thought I might get me some new carpets.
101
00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:46,719
Seems like a false economy
in a rented place, doesn't it, but...
102
00:05:46,760 --> 00:05:48,671
Does Alistair from maths rent?
103
00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:50,153
Are you OK, Dan?
104
00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:52,031
All right, sir?
105
00:05:52,080 --> 00:05:54,833
Finally ask Miss out, did ya?
106
00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:56,233
What is that on your top lip?
107
00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:57,793
This is my time!
108
00:05:57,840 --> 00:05:59,956
You total loser.
109
00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:02,799
What about a wet room?
110
00:06:02,840 --> 00:06:05,877
I'm gonna go now, Dan.
111
00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:07,592
Happy Christmas.
112
00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:10,349
See you soon.
113
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:13,914
Said the spider to the fly.
114
00:06:19,120 --> 00:06:21,680
- You. Come on. We've got something to do.
- How did you know I'd be in here?
115
00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:22,948
You've been sacked again, right?
116
00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,597
Looking forward to Christmas, Shakira?
117
00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:31,437
Go shit off a rope swing.
118
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:33,232
- Yep.
- I robbed 'em blind.
119
00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:35,157
Serves them right for sacking me.
How ungrateful!
120
00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:36,997
If anyone needs Christmas,
it's them, I tell you that much...
121
00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:38,598
Just get out.
122
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:08,198
You can't keep using it.
123
00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:10,708
It says here in black and white,
124
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:12,990
"If there's anything I can do,
you only need ask."
125
00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:15,349
You shouldn't have said it
if you didn't mean it, Brian.
126
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:18,915
It was six months ago.
I think I've been pretty supportive.
127
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:22,191
And where the hell are we? I presumed you
would know where your own aunt lives.
128
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:28,310
"Unqualified, blah blah, inappropriate
grotto." Nothing about why I was sacked.
129
00:07:28,360 --> 00:07:30,430
- Total mystery, crazy Rudolph.
- Yes.
130
00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:32,994
And can you take those off?
They're going to scuff the roof lining.
131
00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:35,793
As if I haven't superglued them!
132
00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:37,796
She fully commits to Christmas.
You know that, Brian.
133
00:07:37,840 --> 00:07:39,159
- Old school.
- Yes.
134
00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:54,478
- What's offensive about that?
- Yeah, shut up now. We're here.
135
00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:55,873
Christ.
136
00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:58,559
There's effluent everywhere.
The Scénic will be covered.
137
00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:01,672
Oh, take your Caps Lock off.
Bit of mud on your tyres.
138
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:05,076
There'll be body flick-up.
It's basic physics.
139
00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:07,076
Hurry up and get the bloody thing signed.
140
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:08,109
Oh, right.
141
00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:10,435
Just bowl in there
and slam a waiver down, shall I?
142
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:11,959
Honestly, Brian.
143
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:13,911
I do things differently now.
144
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:17,589
She's just lost her brother. I need to
empathise with her and
then I'll cajole.
145
00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:19,517
That's what they say about me these days,
146
00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:24,873
"He empathises and then,
and
only then, does he cajole."
147
00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:27,195
They don't say anything about you.
148
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,151
Did you get her a Crimbo pressie, mate?
149
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,270
Oh, shit!
150
00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:34,437
- What's this?
- It's a painting for Julia.
151
00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,550
Just... get out.
152
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:39,558
My God, you're a selfish man.
153
00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:45,471
A-And you're not getting back in this car
with muddy feet!
154
00:08:49,520 --> 00:08:51,078
Look at that bloody suit.
155
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:53,759
Yeah, he's really got his act together
since his dad died.
156
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:56,229
Yes.
157
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:02,629
Oh...
158
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:05,558
Yes, he has.
159
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:08,672
Heel!
160
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,393
- Oh! Fucking hell.
- All right, Piss! Heel! Come on!
161
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:14,593
What do you think of this bastard?
162
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:17,996
He seems like... a nice trout.
163
00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:24,354
Now, you have got the time for me to walk
round this corner to tell me who you are
164
00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:28,075
and then all hell will break loose!
165
00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:29,917
Oh. Oh, no, that's fine.
166
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,269
I mean, you probably recognise me.
If you imagine me without the moustache...
167
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:36,472
Come on, speak, you great fat giraffe,
or I'm going to get my gun.
168
00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:39,239
- No, no, you don't...
- Piss! Piiiiisss!
169
00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:41,953
Come on! It's gun time!
170
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:44,195
- It's not gun...
- Come on, Piss!
171
00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:45,832
She's got a fucking gun!
172
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:48,838
This does not bode well.
173
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:53,271
Barry, if you do not furnish me
with venison by this evening,
174
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:56,357
you know what the consequences will be.
175
00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:58,550
Bonne bloody chance!
176
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:03,637
Why didn't you tell me
you were Richard's boy?!
177
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:05,352
Well, I sort of thought
you might be able to...
178
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:07,118
Yeah, same rubbered face!
179
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:11,199
No question
whose tangerines you flew out of.
180
00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:13,754
So... what are you?
181
00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:16,473
Hello. I'm Jo.
182
00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:19,193
I like what you did with your face.
You've made it red. Very Christmassy.
183
00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:26,228
- Does she have a helper?
- Well...
184
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:28,840
They do
have helpers nowadays,
don't they?
185
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:33,392
- Present, present.
- Oh, Nesta.
186
00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:34,793
Happy Christmas.
187
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:43,078
- What the hell is this?!
- Just, er...
188
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:46,590
That... That's... a painting I did. Er...
189
00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:49,714
It's a knight.
190
00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,159
That's Brian.
191
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:54,875
I don't have time for this! I have enough
on my hands with this hairy cretin!
192
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:56,717
I am not looking at you, Piss!
193
00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:58,876
And I shan't!
194
00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:01,115
OK, Nesta, I...
195
00:11:01,680 --> 00:11:02,908
The thing is, I...
196
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:04,473
Sorry, Nesta, I...
197
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:07,080
Yeah, Auntie... Auntie Nesta!
198
00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:11,557
Sorr... Sorry to raise my voice, but I'm
afraid I've come here with some bad news.
199
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:13,591
You see, it's... it's Dad. He's...
200
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:14,755
Dead?
201
00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:17,876
Feared as much.
202
00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:19,797
Did you?
203
00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:22,149
This is the first year he hasn't rung me
up, pretending to be someone else,
204
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:23,553
telling me he's dead.
205
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,751
Ohh, I suspected he'd go first.
206
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:30,679
Had no purpose, you see.
207
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:39,317
Well, there you go, people die. Hmm.
208
00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:41,759
Good luck, Dickie.
209
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,473
What, is... is that it?
210
00:11:44,520 --> 00:11:46,829
Well, do you want me to suckle you, boy?
211
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:48,313
No!
212
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:49,759
OK, look.
213
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,677
Dad left me the flat in his will,
214
00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:55,793
but for some reason he stipulated that
I can't have it until you say so,
215
00:11:55,840 --> 00:11:58,115
so I've got this waiver. If you could...
216
00:11:58,160 --> 00:11:59,639
Aha.
217
00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:01,477
Look at my list.
218
00:12:02,760 --> 00:12:05,752
Barry will be back any second,
empty-handed.
219
00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:09,918
I shall have to punish him
and go out and bag a deer myself.
220
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:11,632
So...
221
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:15,514
if you want me to sign that waiver,
222
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,915
you are going to have to earn it.
223
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:22,988
Nobody gets something for nothing
at Rose Bush Farm!
224
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:35,390
Loads to be done.
225
00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:36,839
Come on, hound!
226
00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:39,269
Barry has failed us!
227
00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:40,833
Right.
228
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:43,474
- Is this all part of your plan?
- I'm adapting my plan.
229
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:47,195
Cool. OK. OK, well, I'll...
I'll start bringing Christmas.
230
00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:52,268
I'm thinking, "Defrost her freezer.
Use the sludge to make a snowman."
231
00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:56,233
You've lost three jobs in three weeks.
You touch nothing.
232
00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:58,315
Right.
233
00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:01,318
Think I can handle bringing a turkey in
from a shed and popping it in the oven,
234
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:02,349
eh, Dad?
235
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:06,589
By the way...
236
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:08,995
... what the fuck is this?
237
00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:12,237
"I think that will
really put Jersey on the map, "
238
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:14,475
said Bergerac.
He put on his tweed jacket...
239
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:16,192
Shoo, shoo!
240
00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:18,549
Bzzz! Buzz off!
241
00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:31,555
Please. Not like this. I have children.
242
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:33,716
Give it a kiss.
243
00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:35,671
What?
244
00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:39,156
Give my gun... a little kiss.
245
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,151
Good.
246
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:48,318
Don't throw things at my cow again.
247
00:13:48,360 --> 00:13:51,636
The poor old soul has quite enough
on her plate as it is.
248
00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:54,759
Ah, there you are, Barry.
249
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,473
Walk behind me.
250
00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:01,672
I am incredibly angry with you.
Do you understand?
251
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:04,075
I think I'm going to hit you.
252
00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:14,432
Oh, no.
253
00:14:21,520 --> 00:14:23,317
Well, mate.
254
00:14:23,360 --> 00:14:26,750
I didn't expect you to be alive,
but... here we are.
255
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:31,316
It looks like new Dan has got
a few more tests to pass yet.
256
00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:35,194
I can hear Dad laughing now. "You
can't do it, Daniel. You're too weak."
257
00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:37,595
But... but he was wrong.
258
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:39,756
He was always wrong.
259
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:42,439
Life for a life, old friend.
260
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:46,235
A life for a life.
261
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:49,955
Hmm.
262
00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:56,395
Ow! Ow, ow!
263
00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:57,839
Ow!
264
00:14:57,880 --> 00:14:59,632
Ow! Argh!
265
00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:01,830
Oh, my God! Ow!
266
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:03,108
Oh, my God.
267
00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,469
Oh! Oh!
268
00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:07,909
- Dan?
- Fuck!
269
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:10,076
Ow! It won't die!
270
00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:12,714
It won't fucking die!
271
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:15,593
Ow! Argh!
272
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:17,835
Kill it! Help me!
273
00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:21,077
Argh! Argh!
274
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:24,078
Kill it!
275
00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:26,680
Kill it!
276
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:29,553
- Aah!
- Aah!
277
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:33,394
Aah!
278
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:37,715
You bloody fool. You let it escape.
279
00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:40,638
What the hell are you doing?! You're
supposed to be getting a waiver signed!
280
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:43,672
I
was helping my aunt
prepare for Christmas.
281
00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:46,154
But now we're up here,
I'm on a hunt for an escaped turkey!
282
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:49,510
What's the matter?
Worried about getting your dress dirty?
283
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:52,518
You don't think maybe
she meant
that turkey?
284
00:15:57,560 --> 00:16:00,313
Right, I just need to get this
in the oven, Brian.
285
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,396
Oh, we're cooking now, are we?
286
00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:04,351
Dan, I only told the vicar I was
popping out for a packet of Tunes.
287
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,391
It's all under control.
288
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:08,635
No, it isn't. It never is.
289
00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:10,318
Oh, I see.
290
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:13,238
Can't bear it, can you, when someone else
starts getting their life together?
291
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:15,953
You really need to take a look
at the man in the mirror.
292
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,230
Don't you quote Michael Jackson at me.
293
00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:21,795
And I am aware of the lip, Brian.
The pain is sickening.
294
00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:25,549
I'm not talking about the turkey bite.
I... I'm talking about... all of it!
295
00:16:25,600 --> 00:16:28,160
These are minor setbacks,
Mr Throw The Towel In.
296
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,430
Don't you dare call me
"Mr Throw The Towel In".
297
00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:32,755
Why? Because you know your name?
298
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:34,552
Maybe I should use
some of your other names.
299
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:37,990
Mr Know It All. Mr Tedious. Prefer them?
300
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:41,396
Or Mr Buy A Packet of Sweets
And Make it Last For A Month.
301
00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:44,557
Mr Washes His Car
Rather Than Talks To His Wife!
302
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:48,070
- Are these hitting home?
- OK, you've clearly lost it.
303
00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:52,033
Lost what, Mr Watch Reruns
Of The Space Shuttle Launch?
304
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:56,312
One more and I leave.
The ice is that thin, Daniel!
305
00:16:56,360 --> 00:16:57,634
Ohh!
306
00:16:57,680 --> 00:16:59,830
Mr Thin Ice!
307
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:01,757
- Mr Goodbye!
- You're not going anywhere!
308
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:04,598
Don't get turkey juice on my surplice!
309
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:07,919
Oi!
310
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,394
What's going on here? Stop fighting.
311
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:13,398
It's Christmas!
312
00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:16,432
Oh, no.
313
00:17:16,480 --> 00:17:18,198
I hadn't quite finished.
314
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,631
Finished what?
315
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:27,310
Tampax and condoms? Oh, my God.
316
00:17:27,360 --> 00:17:29,715
Wicked, right?
317
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:33,878
What have you done?
318
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,150
She said we had to help
with her Christmas list.
319
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:37,349
Oh, no.
320
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:40,836
And where on the Christmas list
did it say stick some nodders on a tree?
321
00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:45,396
I had to improvise from the clinic,
obviously. I think she'll like it.
322
00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:48,750
She won't like it.
No-one would like it!
323
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:52,270
- Tell her, Brian.
- Who cares? Nesta's insane.
324
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:55,551
She made me kiss a gun because
I threw a travel sweet at a cow.
325
00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:58,558
A Christmas tree with condoms on it
isn't going to trouble her.
326
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:01,556
That's my painting, you bastard.
327
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:05,115
- After I drove you here!
- Yes.
328
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:07,993
And maybe if I hadn't given
my auntie a weird painting
329
00:18:08,040 --> 00:18:11,316
of a droopy-moustached
financial Sir Galahad,
330
00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:12,873
we wouldn't be in this mess!
331
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,831
I mean, what the fuck?!
332
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:18,111
God, that gobbling bastard's
in the house!
333
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:20,913
We've got to stop it
before Nesta gets back.
334
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:23,872
Brian? Brian.
335
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:26,229
Listen. Listen,
I've revised my plan. It's OK.
336
00:18:26,280 --> 00:18:28,999
Brian, you get in the bucket
of that digger over there
337
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:30,712
and I'll get you up
through the open window...
338
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,751
- Oh!
...and you can stop the turkey.
339
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:36,588
He wants me again now.
Typical! Well, no, not this time.
340
00:18:36,640 --> 00:18:39,359
You can't walk away from this, Brian.
341
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:40,799
You promised.
342
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,840
Oh, well done, Brian.
The waiver was in there.
343
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:52,758
It's OK. I think if we get in the house
I can probably Sellotape this.
344
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:56,349
Why the hell do you need it signed today
anyway? Why today, Dan?
345
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,516
He was going to ask Emma
to move in with him.
346
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:00,357
Oh, Dan.
347
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,356
You've only had
one drink with the girl.
348
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:06,995
I just thought if I owned a place
that I could move things on a bit.
349
00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:09,235
It's this guy at work, Alistair.
350
00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:12,590
He's just... better.
351
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:18,191
That's it, keep going!
352
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,435
Keep going!
353
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:23,278
Keep going! Keep going!
354
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:26,034
Keep going!
355
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:27,559
- How has this happened?
- Keep going!
356
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:32,674
Hmm.
357
00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:44,076
What are you doing?
358
00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:51,351
I can't work out how to swivel it around.
359
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:53,311
Gaahh!
360
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:55,590
The turkey's going mental.
361
00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:58,313
I can hear you, you corn-fed twat!
362
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:00,430
Can't you just jump the gap, Brian?
363
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,914
I think you might be confusing me with ET.
364
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:05,315
I might have known you wouldn't know
how to drive a digger.
365
00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:08,113
I can drive a digger.
I just can't drive this digger.
366
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:10,037
I'm sorry I can't drive
enough diggers for you!
367
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:13,834
Guys, I honestly think
she'll like the tree.
368
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,075
Shut the fuck up.
369
00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:21,595
Nesta, that's not a deer! It's Jo!
370
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:25,519
Dan, look out! She's got a gun!
Nesta, wait! Don't shoot!
371
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,391
Aaah!
372
00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:38,314
Oh, she shot the cow.
373
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:41,679
This is not bringing Christmas.
374
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:43,756
Shut up. The cow hasn't been shot.
375
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,712
She's in breech.
376
00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:50,116
Won't live, poor old girl.
377
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:53,072
No! There must be something you can do.
378
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:58,240
I'm too old for pulling the buggers out
any longer and I haven't got the strength.
379
00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:01,709
I'll do it.
380
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:02,988
What?
381
00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:04,075
I think...
382
00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:06,509
...no?
383
00:21:06,560 --> 00:21:08,869
Seriously.
384
00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:10,353
I'll do it.
385
00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:14,350
I mean, this is awful.
386
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:18,075
- How long is this supposed to take?
- Stop moaning, boy. Just... Just grab it.
387
00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:20,475
Grab? What am I supposed
to be grabbing, Nesta?
388
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:22,670
I'm like Peter Duncan with that log
in
Flash Gordon here.
389
00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:25,632
- Come on. What can you feel?
- I can feel the inside of a cow.
390
00:21:25,680 --> 00:21:27,193
- It's disgusting.
- Oh, don't be so stupid.
391
00:21:27,240 --> 00:21:30,755
- Get its hoof, boy! Get its hoof!
- I've got it. I think I've got its hoof!
392
00:21:30,800 --> 00:21:33,189
Well, pull it, then!
Pull it! Come on! Pull!
393
00:21:33,240 --> 00:21:34,798
You great daddy fat-lips!
394
00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:38,116
Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, Christ!
395
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:40,469
Oh! Oh!
396
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:42,112
Ohhh!
397
00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:43,354
Oh! Oh!
398
00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:49,032
- I did it.
- It's like... It's like the baby Jesus.
399
00:21:49,080 --> 00:21:50,069
It isn't.
400
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:57,390
Odd, isn't it? Life.
401
00:21:58,640 --> 00:22:00,756
So precious.
402
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:02,791
- One forgets.
- Nesta.
403
00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:05,115
Dad would have never
have done this, would he?
404
00:22:05,160 --> 00:22:08,232
What? No, no, he never liked
getting his hands dirty.
405
00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:11,636
He was too busy swanning off
to university, in a scarf.
406
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:16,839
Huh! He was a funny bugger, though. Hmm.
407
00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:20,316
Come on, crazy girl.
Show me what you've done to my tree.
408
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:23,438
You're very lucky, you know.
409
00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:25,994
In my day, you would have been
wandering round a village
410
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:27,598
with a bell around your neck.
411
00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:29,870
Oh, thank you.
412
00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:32,036
Yeah, hear that, old man?
413
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:34,992
Maybe I'm a stronger Daniel
than you thought!
414
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:36,758
- Dan...
- Brian, this is great.
415
00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:39,473
I really think I've drawn a line
under something here.
416
00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:42,318
You know why your dad
tried to wind you up, don't you?
417
00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:44,157
What?
418
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,191
He thought you were mates.
419
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:49,788
He thought you were his best mate.
420
00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:59,192
I'm sorry you're missing your choir.
421
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:01,390
Come on.
422
00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:02,953
I'll take you home.
423
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:04,991
Dan!
424
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:14,031
No!
425
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:22,080
Well, I'd better get the Land Rover.
426
00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:30,273
- Happy Christmas.
- Thank you.
427
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:32,436
Absent friends.
428
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:36,393
Polly! I need you!
429
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:40,194
Your puny little oven
won't take the ham I bought.
430
00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:43,596
What the hell we're going to eat
on Boxing Day, God alone knows!
431
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:47,553
How you two have survived alone
is a complete mystery!
432
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:51,233
How long is she staying?
433
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:52,793
I don't know.
434
00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:55,638
It's lovely that she's here,
though, isn't it?
435
00:24:02,760 --> 00:24:04,193
Oh! Oh!
436
00:24:52,500 --> 00:25:00,500
Ripped By mstoll
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