All language subtitles for Lovejoy s05e04.eng

(♪ Organ)

(Organ music drowns speech)

Thank you so much.

Oh, who is she?

The widow. Mrs. Windsor.

- I didn't know he was married.
- Blink twice, you'd have missed it.

Like some of your relationships, Charlie.

Charlotte, would you tell me
exactly why you're here?

My father and Ben Windsor...
very close.

Lads, if you'd care to come back
to the office,

there's sherry and sarnies,
plus a few of my wife's mince pies.

(Tinker) Sherry?

Oh, very generous of you, George,
but I must be off.

I'm afraid I've got a meeting to go to.

It might be in your interest.
It's about the will.

- Miss Cavendish.
- Thank you.

After you, Charlotte.

You know, that's a nice bit of schmata.

Yes, I used to wear it at weddings.
Now, alas, funerals.

(Glass breaking)

George, if this were any drier,
you'd have to chew it.

- What is it?
- Manzanilla.

- What the hell's that?
- It's a fino.

(Lovejoy) From Sanlucar de Barrameda.

Where the hell's that?

Beside the seaside, Charlie,

hence the clean, slightly bitter taste.

It doesn't travel very well, that's all, George.

I didn't know you were a wine buff.

It's the area of Spain I lived in
when I was trying to paint.

The house I lived in was a bodega.

Gentleman, sorry to interrupt.
Can we do two minutes' shop?

(Charlie) Now you're playing
my kind of music.

Always ready to do shop.

Relax, Charlie.

In his will,
Ben left you all something.

For the main part, small items.

Things you'd admired or commented on
when you were in his shop.

Uncommonly civil of him!

Tinker, for you,
there's a Staffordshire teapot.

You may remember it.

I do, indeed. There's many a teabag
we've dunked into that pot together.

Most acceptable.

My secretary has it in her office.

Lovejoy, Lalique, yes?

Oh, yes, definitely. Yes.

The small Lalique box.

Ooh, he shouldn't!

Oh, he didn't. Sorry.

My mistake.
The Lalique is for Sam Cavendish.

Charlotte.

Thank you very much. How kind!

My father will be delighted.

And we'll be delighted
that Sam will be delighted.

Charlie, for you,
a pair of Victorian grape scissors.

Silver.

Silver plate but who's counting?

Before you go on, George,
can I ask a question?

I'm sure it's one
we all want the answer to.

What's happened to them?

(George) To what are we referring?

The French paperweights, of course.

The finest in East Anglia.

- What happens to them?
- (George) Are you really that curious?

- Tell us!
- (Man) Put us out of our misery!

I'd have thought you'd have guessed.

Jerry Boyle.

What?!

- So he didn't change the will!
- (George) Exactly.

You mean
he didn't get round to it or...

That's for you to decide.

- Of course, it was old Jerry who...
- We all know what he did, Tinker.

What did this Jerry Boyle do?

I'll tell you later.
George, this may sound a bit mercenary but...

- You are mercenary.
- Thank you, Charlie.

What did he leave me in the will?

A trench art cigarette lighter,
circa 1915,

made from a cartridge case.

I don't even smoke.

Unlike most of the boys in here.

(Shudders)

Lovejoy.

Jerry.

- How's things?
- Be a sight better in 20 months.

Ta.

You know Ben died.
Funeral was Monday.

- Did you sink a few?
- Mm.

That's how he would have wanted it.

Everything I have,
everything I had, I owe it to him.

Everything I know, he taught me.

Diabolical. Bloody diabolical.

Was his heart, was it?

Painless. Like a stone.
Dead before he hit the ground.

Peaceful. No pain at all.

What I done to him,
you wouldn't do to your dog.

Jerry, about the French paperweights...

He left them you.

True.

Why?

I don't believe it!
So I didn't need to nick them?

What a berk!

Do you think Ben forgot
to change the will or?

Maybe he thought prison was enough.

Hang about.

I'm doing time
for nicking the paperweights, right?

But I own the paperweights!

So I'm doing bird
for nicking from myself,

stealing what was mine. That can't be right!

It's original, Jerry.

Oh, come on, Lovejoy.
Surely they should squash my sentence.

Give me a bit of time off.
A bit of remission or something.

Lovejoy, will you help me?
There's a drink in it.

(Horn)

- Morning, Charlie.
- What do you think of that?

Not bad for a lad who didn't see
an indoor toilet until he was 12.

Paid top dollar for it.

Always the Philistine, Lovejoy!

You, er... found your old war wound
playing up again, have you, Charlie, hey?

I had a hectic weekend.
Did a lot of riding.

Oh, yeah? Anyone I know?

Sorry, Charlie.
I didn't know you could ride.

There's a lot you don't know.
Shot a few birds, as well.

No fishin'?

Oh, yes. Came out of a clump of trees.

Great big fat cock pheasant
strutting 'cross the grass.

Brought me gun up.
Peter nearly choked!

"You don't shoot, sir!
Not when they're walking!"

"Of course not, you fool," I said.
"I'm waiting for it to stop."

- (Laughs)
- Treating me like an idiot.

- Oh, by the way, Lovejoy...
- What?

I might see
the parish church roof fund.

- Excuse me?
- In charge.

Charlie, I've got to go!

Lovejoy!

I told you about
using that front entrance!

Can't hear you, Charlie!

Get round the back!

(Tinker) Heaving fixtures and fittings at my age!

I'll wind up in a truss house
in Hernia Bay!

That usually gets a laugh.

Well, it might do
if it wasn't so close to the truth.

I had an uncle sneeze. Gave himself
a hernia the size of a ping-pong ball.

- Whoa!
- Argh!

Is it damaged? It's 200 years old.

- I think I've broken my arm!
- Thank God it's all right!

Can you hear me?

A varnish and buff it up
with a little polish and it'll be fine.

Look, are you deaf?!

You really should be careful, Eric.
You could do yourself an injury.

I think I've broken my arm.

Move it about a bit. Pretend you've
got a pint of lager in your fist.

(Groans)

There you are! It's not broken!

- It's flipping painful, though!
- Precautionary X-ray.

- Do you think?
- I had an uncle...

The same uncle
with a ping-pong ball, no doubt!

As a matter of fact it was. He fell on the ice
and it wasn't till the following summer

he realized he'd broken his wrist.
Or was it his elbow?

Oh, let's get this thing on the van.

- Did you do that?
- Yeah.

- (♪ Classical music plays)
- Lovejoy!

I'll, erm... I'll just see if he's in.

Lovejoy, stay!

(Chuckles) I've had it from experts.
There's a car outside for you.

A car for me? No, no.
Must be some mistake.

No mistake.
Mr. Litvak doesn't make mistakes.

Mr. Litvak? Never heard of him.

Well, he's heard of you. Now...

...there's two ways we can play this.
- Erm...

Let's play it... the easy way, hey?

(Music stops)

- Oh.
- Relax. Enjoy the ride.

Wine's cold
and there's racing on the TV.

Sir, this Mr. Litvak.

- Does he have a first name?
- Alexander.

But his friends call him Sandy.

Sandy Litvak?

I've never heard of him.

Sandy Litvak?

Lovejoy, sir.

Thank you, Rathbone.

Good to meet you, Lovejoy.

- We haven't met before, have we?
- Not to the best of my knowledge.

That's a relief.

Get us some tea, please, Rathbone.

How do you like my eyrie?

Sumptuous. Love that cellaret.
George III, huh?

So did you bring me all the way from Suffolk
to give you an estimate on your stuff?

No.

Take some incredibly
intelligent advice, Lovejoy.

Don't fool with me.

You owe me
a considerable sum of money.

Didn't you just say we'd never met?

Two years ago, you could have had
an overdraft from your local high-street bank.

Today, you might owe that same money
to a Chinaman in Hong Kong.

- You're taking about takeovers.
- Likewise, I inherited your debt.

- Which one?
- Leo Silverman.

Oh, Leo!

Died recently.
Heart attack in Monte Carlo.

- Really?
- Very sudden.

I didn't know.

He bought some Hogarth etchings
for a Japanese collector.

Mr. Mitamura. Leo made me a loan,
a rather hefty one.

Yeah, I'd call that hefty.

Yeah, then the Japanese
stock market went belly-up

and Mr. Mitamura did a runner,

leaving... owing me a balance
on the etchings.

Most unfortunate.

He doesn't answer
any telephone calls or faxes so...

So you're left
with the bill, Lovejoy.

About six-and-a-half grand, I think.

- Fourteen exactly.
- Excuse me?

Fourteen thousand. It's all here.
Black and white.

No, no, no, there been some mistake.

No. No mistake.
I work the six-for-five principle.

I lend you five... pounds, buttons, cherries,
you pay me back six.

Over what period?

- A week.
- A week?!

That's extortion.

Of course it is! How else do you think
I can afford to live like this?

That's a Picasso on the wall,
not a Playboy calendar.

I didn't ask you to borrow my money.
I didn't twist your arm.

When can you pay me? Now?

Wouldn't take a check, would you?

(Chuckles) No, I wouldn't.

Remember, six for five.
At least the rate remains the same.

Maybe it's costly but it's constant.

Isn't always chopping and changing,
confusing people.

Things could be worse, Lovejoy,
a lot worse.

Look at it this way.
You're in the hands of the listening bank.

You make your excuses and I listen.

(Laughs)

Think positively.
You still have five days.

Go beyond that, of course,
and it'll be £16,800.

Go beyond that... it's broken limbs

and intensive care.

And Shylock
only wanted one pound of flesh.

Ah, a man of education. I thought so.

Two choices of overcoat, Lovejoy.

Cashmere or cement.

Which is it to be?

(Running footsteps)

- You're late!
- Sorry, Mr. Gimbert.

Never mind. Where's my mount?

Over there, sir.

Trot on.

Take him over to the walled garden!

(Dog barking)

Thank you.

Five days, two hours and nine minutes.

And £14,000. Don't tell me.

Oh, don't, don't, don't tell me.

Horatio Nelson.

Oh, very funny! I spent
all afternoon in the hospital.

Four hours for a pigging X-ray.
I bruised me humerus.

That's very funny, Eric, as long
as you haven't bruised that chest.

Nah, it's as good as new.

I hope not, Eric.
It's over 200 years old.

- Who's that?
- That's Beth.

Oh, who's Beth?

That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

- Oh, no, Eric!
- You don't know what I'm gonna say!

No! The answer is no, Eric.

- Look, she might look little...
- She is little.

We don't need her, Lovejoy.

But she's been to art school
and she's strong as a horse.

- So?
- Well, she wants to learn about antiques.

- So?
- Well, I thought I might...

- What?
- It's another mouth to feed.

Take her under my wing, so to speak.

- You've taken a few under there in your time.
- So to speak.

Yes, but this is different, isn't it?
This is business.

- Who pays?
- Good question.

That's the beauty of it. She's on E.T.

Who pays?

All we have to do is persuade
her careers advisor...

Persuade him what?

That she's receiving bona fide
training from a bona fide employer.

(Lovejoy) Who pays?
(Eric) And then the country pays.

- Really?
- Yes.

All we have to do
is top up her basic £35.

- £35?
- Yeah.

- She gets £35?
- Yeah, a week.

- A week?
- Yeah, every week.

Every week?

Beth...

That's it. Steady now. Hold still.

Good boy!

Now, wait. Oh, I can't get over.

Oh, God, I... Whoa!

Oh! Oh!

Ouch!

- (Groans)
- (Horse neighs)

Oh... buckle!

At the time of the theft,
they weren't yours.

The sentence stands.

Miserable git!

Oh, well, thanks for trying.

Since I saw you, I've had a tickle.

- Really?
- Had an offer for the paperweights.

You don't have
a match on you, do you?

Charlie Gimbert?

How do you know?

Well, I'm a divvy.
I know these things.

He came in to see me yesterday.

Oh. That's... That's nice.

You... make a deal?

- All but.
- That's charming, Jerry.

I'm out there doing you favors,
trying to get your sentence cut

and you're in here cooking up a deal
with Charlie Gimbert.

- I haven't said yes.
- You haven't?

Well, not a final yes.

Not a final, final yes.

Jerry, give me a break.

I need the commission.
Whatever Gimbert's offered you,

I'll match it and more.

You owe me, Jerry.

OK. You handle it
and you tell Gimbert.

That'd be a pleasure.

Now, something else
I wanted to tell you.

Ben Windsor, he was married once.

- Yeah, his widow was at the funeral.
- Oh, I'm surprised.

Fleeting appearance.

It went all sour in the honeymoon.

It was over before it was started.
I don't know the details.

Anyway, Ben bought this house,
Byfield Manor.

- Where's that?
- Back end of nowhere.

He was doing it up.
Palace for his queen.

Then, the queen quit
and he lost interest.

Put a couple of caretakers in
and walked away.

Now to the best of my knowledge,
he never went back there,

not after she left.

Anyway, it's coming up for auction.

Nobody's buying manor houses
these days, Jerry.

No, no, no.
That's not why I'm telling you.

Knowing Ben, pound to a penny,
there'll be one or two gems in there.

He'd started to furnish it.
Do yourself a favor.

- Give it the once-over lightly.
- Yeah, thanks.

I will.

A loan to pay off Litvak?

(Laughs) Sorry, Lovejoy.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Sandy Litvak,
not a man to tangle with.

I didn't tangle with him, Charlie.

He picked up my I.O.U. To Leo Silverman.

(Laughs) Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!

Will you stop saying that, Charlie?

Sorry, Lovejoy.
Couldn't happen to a nicer fella.

You made a will?

- What about the paperweights?
- Four grand. My last offer.

Oh, no way, Charlie!

Sneaking in there behind my back
like some cut-price Judas!

Who snuck behind whose back
in the first place?

- Four grand.
- They're worth six grand at least!

With Litvak breathing down your neck?
That's a very fair offer.

- How long have you got?
- Friday afternoon, three o'clock.

Friday afternoon at three?

And is there honey still for tea?

- (Lovejoy) Byfield Manor, Tink.
- Byfield Manor? Never heard of it.

- You must have done!
- I've lived here an awful lot of years.

Well, I'll drive.
You read the map, OK?

Beth, you deliver the chest with Eric.

Well, what would that teach me
about antiques?

- Humility.
- And remember...

(Revs engine)

...cash.
- You told me.

Yeah, and I'll keep on telling you.

- Cash is king.
- (Lovejoy) And again.

Cash is king.

Oh, and speaking of cash,
when do you get that 35 quid?

- Lovejoy!
- Just kidding.

- Where is Eric, anyway, Tinker?
- He's having his physio.

There's no answer to that, is there?

Morning.

Morning.

Three's company.
Four is a crowd, Lovejoy.

Go on.

No, but Beth,
she's just not a bloke.

Well, that makes a nice change.

Do you know she whips up
a mean bolognese?

Does she, by jingo?!

(Eric) "Attributed to" means fake.

"Some damage" means
the handle's missing and it leaks.

"Some restoration"...

The handle's back on
but it still leaks.

Yeah, summat like that.

Right, got it? (Grunts)

Somebody in the pub
will know the way, Tink.

Well, I can feel
a glass of lunch coming on.

Two days, three hours to make 14 grand.
You haven't forgotten, have you?

Just the one, Lovejoy! Just the one.

(Beth) You all right there?
(Eric) Yeah.

- You sure?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

- If you've got any problems, just tell me, Eric.
- Right, OK.

Well, come round.

- Where are you going?
- Round here.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, no problem.

Found your footing? Upsy-daisy!

Stay on the B-road as far as Clayton.

Then, about, what, 200 yards
beyond the war memorial,

take a sharp left.

This one. Water Lane.
You can't miss it.

Famous last words.

You see, although it's Byfield Manor,
it's actually in Clayton.

Yes, most helpful.

The place hasn't been lived in
for near on 20 year.

It's up for sale.
You thinking of buying it?

I could just about afford the doorstep.

- (Woman) Arthur?
- Excuse me, gents.

Bottoms up. Time to hit the road.

What is it?

Oh, I've seen that look before.

I felt it the minute I walked in.
Ticking away like a Geiger counter.

Which one?

(Lovejoy) Solid silver. 18th century.

William Priest or John Fossey.

- Do you think he knows?
- Hmm? Well, do you?

- Are you gonna go for it?
- Does Tuesday follow Monday?

How are you gonna play it?

I'm a bit peckish.

Chicken in a basket
and a large gin twice.

Erm...

Well... it's a table.

Go on.

Gate-leg.

Well, what about the wood?

Not oak, not walnut.

It's mahogany. And how about the age?

- Old.
- (Chuckles) It's Victorian.

Tinker and I bought one just like it
for Lady Jane Felsham.

What's he asking?

G-O-O.

700 quid?! That's ridiculous!

- So what will you do?
- Negotiate.

Yeah, but what are we using
for money?

The stuff we got for the oak chest.

No, but that's Lovejoy's money
and he said he wants cash.

He'll be over the moon, believe me.

Now, remember, never look
at what you really want.

Good afternoon.

Beautiful, Lovejoy. Beautiful.
Like tickling trout.

John Fossey, London, 1735.

Bless you, John Fossey.

- Two grand!
- Two down 12 to go!

(Laughter)

200 quid off?

I told you.

Do you always say "trade" like that?

Always.

A, you get the trade discount

and, B, they know
you're not some mug punter.

Ah, not that they think that in your case.

Well, no, of course not.

And when they say "extremely rare",
they mean "extremely expensive".

(Starts engine)

- When they say, "eminently collectable..."
- That means they've got a shed full.

I've written in one or two items
to sweeten the pot,

but otherwise it's half a dozen
show stoppers and a lot of tat.

Don't get them mixed up otherwise
there'll be hell to pay for the probate.

I'll watch it!

The survey report's in.
Apparently, it's structurally sound.

(Car door shuts)

Lovejoy.

(Charlotte) What is he doing here?

Charlotte.

Oh, she's doing here.

I'll say one thing, Lovejoy.
You're quick off the mark.

I was standing
in Byfield high street.

I could sniff sale.

Standing too close to yourself,
were you?

- (Laughs) When is the sale, by the way?
- Tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Shall we have
the privilege of seeing you perform?

No, I have to be in Cambridge,
buying for the Fitzwilliam.

Mr. Alwin here is on the hammer.

Ah, like the old days.

Before my time, Lovejoy.

Even if he only buys
a chipped tooth mug...

- Make sure he pays for Dresden!
- Exactly.

(Lovejoy)
I'm trying hard to love her, Tink, but...

Abandon hope all ye who enter here.

Jerry Boyle always had a good eye.
Only 12 grand to get, Tink.

Upwards and onwards.

Right. Eyes down. Looking.

(Squeaking)

- Tink!
- Wally!

Nice sale over at Felixstowe next week.

18th-century longcase
and a couple of handsome Laurencie shorts.

Well, what we need, Wally, is a miracle.

A Rubens with perfect provenance
and change out of five quid.

A Rubens. We might have one.

(Laughs) But if we have, I ain't seen it!

- (Laughs)
- See you.

Now what is it?

I hardly dare say.

Well, whatever it is,
it needs a wash.

You get on your knees and thank God
it hasn't been washed.

Porcelain is your province, Tink.
Is it Oriental?

Chinese?

Japanese.

It's a Kakiemon.

Oh, you little beauty!

(Tinker) Sakaida Kakiemon, 17th century.

Copying Ming, exported into Europe from
the village of Arita where he lived.

This is our eureka, Tink!

It may well be.

What lot number is it?

15. It comes with all that garden junk.

- How much do you reckon?
- Oh, at least 12,000.

Oh... I love you!

Thank you very much.
Thank you very much indeed.

Is that Snip?

Edwardian furniture, late Georgian
domestic silver, Oriental porcelain.

- Don't remind me.
- He's with Godfrey Evans the antique trader.

- Nothing gets past him.
- I know something that's going to.

Hey, wait a moment!
You have my bag! Hold on.

Right, all we need now is to get this inside
and give it a good polish.

- Which polish?
- We use beeswax.

- Oh, do you think he'll be pleased?
- Like a dog with two tails!

Oh, you know, but we've used his money
and he did say...

Look, he'll be chuffed to death,
believe me.

Oh, are you sure?

(Horn)

Just a minute.

It's lot 15, Lovejoy.
That's 80 lots an hour.

It'll be the first ten or 15 minutes.

There's very few people
looking around, very few.

It only takes one like a Snip.

You'll get in there early.
You're in with a very good chance.

You know, Tink, I was always told
it was rude to point.

(Engine revs)

Alec Forbes.

He has till Tuesday.

- What are the chances?
- Slim.

He's undercapitalized
and he's got cash-flow problems.

His wife, Audrey, has a frock shop
in South Molton Street.

- Yeah, I know it.
- Have a wreath delivered. Lilies.

Any message?

"Alec, peace at last."
I'll leave it to you, dear boy.

Mac the Fish?

Lowestoft. Needs to sell
a couple of trawlers. No chance.

- Break his leg.
- It won't help.

- It concentrates the mind.
- Hmm.

- Lovejoy?
- Hmm.

- Drop in.
- Well, he has till Friday.

Well, give him my regards.
He might be a job for Andretti.

He's on a plane from Chicago.
I'm due to pick him up at Heathrow.

How did he go? Do you know?

- Choked to death.
- Not another fish bone!

(Sighs) Well, that's made all the difference.

- If a job's worth doing...
- (Horn)

Oh, are you gonna tell him
about the money?

Beth, relax. He'll be over the moon.

Give it a good soak.

Oh, bit of aluminium foil
in a bowl full of warm water

with some washing soda.

- It'll come up like new.
- It'll come up terrific.

Lovejoy, come and look.
I've done something very clever.

Lead on, Eric.
He's done something very clever.

Charlie, Eric's done something very clever.
Come and have a look.

Well... there's always a first time
for everything.

One very beautiful mahogany,

Victorian, early-Victorian,
Sutherland table.

Why Sutherland, Beth?

Erm...

Cos Queen Victoria's
mistress of robes

was Harriet,
the Duchess of Sutherland.

That's excellent. Well done.

You see, I bought one before
with Lady Jane Felsham.

Not just a pretty face, Eric.

(Beth) Tell him what you paid.

Oh, yeah, and that's the leaf
on the pastry, Lovejoy,

cos they were asking
nearly 800 quid to start with.

- It was seven.
- Was it?

It doesn't matter. Seven, eight.

But you beat them down?

I did. I thrashed him!

- What to?
- Well, I didn't pay seven.

I didn't pay 650.

I didn't pay six. I didn't pay 550.

No, I paid five!

The lad has flair!

(Lovejoy) What do you think, Charlie?

Er, well, he's right.
Lady Felsham owned one.

Yeah, and I got this one
from Nick Adams' shop in Coggeshall.

We sold it to Nick Adams.

Yeah... What?!

It's still got
the Hill & Harvey sticker on it.

What?!

Oh, God!

- Two weeks ago, Eric.
- £300, Eric.

Boy Wonder's bought back
the same table.

And dropped 200 quid
into the bargain.

Eric... that'll come out
of your wages.

(Laughter)

What wages?!

(Lovejoy) Oh, dear, dear, dear.

(Horn)

For me?

Vitamin C, Lovejoy.
Litvak wants you healthy.

You came all this way
just to bring me some fruit.

Just to show we care.

How sweet.
I've still got one more day.

- That's all.
- That's all I need.

Mr. Litvak's motto for today is,
"All men are cremated equal."

I'll remember that, Mr. Rathbone.

Ciao.

What's all that?

From a satisfied client, Eric.
Have a grape, kid.

Got those numbers, Tink?

You've never been
to an auction, have you, Beth?

- No.
- You're going to one today.

Byfield Manor, two o'clock.

Tinker and I recced it yesterday.
Today, we hijack it.

And how do you hijack a manor house?

I was gonna tell you
how to do that, Eric.

(Engine revs)

(Car horn)

(Beth) There's one!

(Tires screeching)

- (Bicycle bells)
- (Men) Hey! Hey!

(Dog barking)

(Tires screeching)

You know, according to the E.T.,

I have to learn real skills
in the real world.

You can't get more real than this, Beth.

(Phones ringing)

Byfield Manor. Cavendish the Auctioneers.

Hello?

- (Phone rings)
- Hello?

Byfield Manor. Cavendish the Auctioneers.

Hello? Hello? I

(Horn blares)

Fool!

No, I'm sorry about that, sir.
The auction's been canceled for today.

There's a bit of sickness
in the company. Chicken pox.

But they will be making an announcement
in the local press. Thank you.

Byfield Manor. Cavendish the Auctioneers.

Hello? Hello?

Hello? I Hello?

- Snip Saunders.
- Yeah?

Don't let him through at any price.

- Where is everyone?
- Like a turkey farm on Boxing Day.

(Phone rings)

I'll handle it.

(Sighs)

Thank you very much.

Eric!

- Hello, Snip.
- Oh, hello there.

- Haven't started, have they?
- No, not for ages yet.

The taxi driver got lost.
Can you believe it?

I'll believe anything these days.

- Don't know where the loo is, do you?
- I was just going there myself, Snip.

Oh, well, I'll tag along.

(Chatting)

Oh, right.
Age before beauty, Lovejoy!

(Auctioneer) Lot 15, ladies and gentleman.
Assorted gardenware.

Will anyone start me off at 20?

£20.

Come on, ladies and gentleman,
they're not that bad.

If not 20, then ten.

Do I hear ten?

Ten to Mr. Dill.

Any advance on ten?

(Whispers) Steady, the Buffs.

No? Have we done?

(Bangs gavel) Sold to Mr. Dill.

- Did you get it?
- Tinker's paying for it now. £10.

- Good. How do you like antiques?
- Most fun I ever had.

(Horn)

- You got it!
- Yeah, no thanks to you, Eric!

He was in the taxi, he wouldn't stop.
He nearly ran me over!

- What is that noise?
- (Muffled wailing)

I don't know. I heard it before
a few minutes ago.

Where's it coming from?

It sounds like the stables.

Pop over, Wally. See what it is.

Oh, you better take this.
If it moves, thump it.

(Snip) Help!

Somebody help me, please!

Help!

(Door rattling)

Help!

F-f-from two o'clock until after eight.
I'm thinking of...

...suing.

There was this Regency-style bureau.

Mr. Saunders,
I'm sure it's still available.

Precious little was sold

and if it was Regency,
there'd have been a reserve on it.

Small consolation.

I took a whole afternoon off.

I could have been at Philip's sale
over in Bury.

Mr. Saunders, I can only apologize.

From our point of view,
it was a dead loss.

We've totally failed
the Windsor estate.

We're going to reschedule.

People were even turned away
at the gate.

Someone removed all the signs
so the driver got lost.

I was late and... (Sneezes)

...as soon as I got there,
Lovejoy locked me in the toilets.

Lovejoy?

5,600. 5,700. 5,800.

5,900. Six grand.

Nice doing business
with you, Charlie.

Yeah.

- I thank you on behalf of Mr. Boyle...
- (Car doors shutting)

- Lovejoy!
...and myself. What?

- Litvak.
- Oh.

I'll stick around.
I love blood sport.

(Lovejoy sighs)

Rathbone, Litvak.

Felsham Hall.

I was curious.

Charles Gimbert.
Present owner of the same.

So what have you got for me, Lovejoy?

English silver tankard made in 1735.

John Fossey.

Think of all the lips
that have supped ale.

Lovely thought.

- Two and a half thousand.
- Exactly.

Next.

This is the... Kakiemon tiger.

- It is.
- (Pheasant calls)

The name, Kakiemon,
comes from a red fruit.

- What we call...
- Persimmon.

And the Japs call kaki.

Goosebumps.

What they call chicken skin.

What Christie's call
twelve-and-a-half grand.

- Next.
- Next?

- Lovejoy, you were late.
- Late?

Three hours late.
It took you into another week.

- But, Litvak...
- (Rathbone) No buts.

- Give us a break, fellas!
- What would you like broken?

Wait a second.

You've got two-and-a-half grand
for the tankard.

Twelve-and-a-half grand for the tiger.

That's well over 14.

It's not 14, though, anymore.
It's sixteen... eight.

Sixteen eight?

These... are beautiful.

Er... French.

As you say.

Erm... Litvak.

Two and a half, 15...

With the paperweights
that's over 20 grand.

We'll issue a credit note.

- I...
- Unless of course...

(Lovejoy) Charlie?

L-I think there's been a slight, erm...

It's a pleasure
to do business with you.

I love East Anglia.

Lovejoy, you owe me £6,000. My 6,000!

Charlie, you had your chance!

What do you mean?

Charlie, don't get brave with me.
Go and be brave with Litvak!

I'll give you the credit note
when it comes in.

- If it comes!
- Charlie, it's not my six grand, anyway!

It's Jerry Boyle's.

- Oh, Lovejoy...
- What?

- Charlotte!
- Don't you Charlotte me!

- Did you do it deliberately?
- Do what?

There are auctions up and down
the country every day of the week.

Salerooms, conference centers,
galleries, corn exchanges,

stately homes,
less than stately homes.

Why pick on me?

The penny will drop in a minute
but it hasn't yet.

Byfield Manor!

Oh, Byfield Manor!

Charlotte, you're never gonna
believe this, but...

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